I'm writing this fresh after waking up from a nightmare that captures my insecurities related to transitioning later in life. I'll begin by sharing the dream followed by my interpretation.
Normally dreams can be tricky to interpret but in this case my dream left a pretty clear signpost to guide the interpretation: the nightmare begins right after explaining to someone that I'm trans.
In my nightmare I'm in middle school and I have to head back home, but I'm unable to take my normal bus home because I got back late from a field trip. On top of that I'm having to carry home more baggage than usual: In addition to my backpack I'm also carrying my cello and also someone else's duffel bag that they left behind at school.
For whatever reason there's a second bus available that departs a bit further away from school, runs a bit later and takes longer to get home so I run to try to catch that. As I approach the bus it already begins to pull away but the driver pauses and opens the door to explain to me that they're not supposed to let me on because I'm too late.
I try to explain to the driver that it's not my fault because my field trip ran late. The bus driver sympathizes with my situation and tries to see if they can make room for me on the bus but it's already getting pretty full, especially considering that there's not enough room for all of the baggage I'm carrying with me.
However, I don't impose upon the driver to make room for me on the bus because I remember that there's a third option: I can still get home if I take an even longer and more circuitous route by train. Before I go the driver sends me away with a parting gift of two masks for protecting myself against coronavirus.
The latter bus stop is at the corner of massive 6-way intersection with 4 lanes each way. I need to cross this intersection to reach the train station, and I'm in a hurry so I begin to take risks while crossing (like not waiting for the crossing signal) to try to reach my train in time.
Because of those risks I place myself and the drivers around me in danger. Vehicles are swerving to avoid me and getting into minor accidents and in order to avoid getting hit I keep straying further into the middle of the intersection where I find myself in even greater danger.
That terror wakes me up from the nightmare.
I'm guessing most readers have already surmised most of the dream interpretation, but I'll spell it out anyway.
"Home" in my dream represents my true gender and the nightmare represents my struggle to return to my true gender. The transportation methods to go back home represent opportunities to transition. The backdrop for the dream is middle school, symbolizing puberty.
The two buses that I miss represent reasons I'm late to transition. The first bus represents reasons outside my control ("my field trip was late") and the second bus represents reasons within my control (e.g. failing to impose upon others). The train represents my current transition.
I fail to get on the second bus partly because I'm carrying around other people's emotional baggage. In particular, the cello I'm carrying represents the expectations my parents placed upon me, which is one source of emotional baggage.
The bus driver hands me a parting gift of masks before I catch the train, symbolizing that the pandemic gave me an unexpected new opportunity to transition. Also, the fact that the final transportation method is now a train instead of a school bus indicates that I missed my opportunity to transition before puberty.
The intersection I attempt to cross in my dream symbolizes how my current transition happens at a metaphorical crossroads in my life. In order to cross the intersection to reach my train I feel like I'm placing myself and others close to me at risk because I transitioned later in life. That in turn makes me feel guilt, shame, and fear for even attempting to cross, even though I know that I still need to go home and I'm in a hurry to make up for lost time.