Laravel faux scheduler (i.e. faux cron), if running in an environment that lacks a decent scheduler/cron option (e.g. DigitalOcean App Platform). Primarily designed to be triggered via uptime checker, e.g. can hook into health check endpoint `Event::listen(function (DiagnosingHealth $event) { FauxScheduler::dispatch(); });`

2024_05_16_152355_create_system_meta_table.php

<?php

use Illuminate\Database\Migrations\Migration;
use Illuminate\Database\Schema\Blueprint;
use Illuminate\Support\Facades\Schema;

return new class extends Migration
{
    /**
     * Run the migrations.
     */
    public function up(): void
    {
        Schema::create('system_meta', function (Blueprint $table) {
            $table->string('key')->primary();
            $table->string('value');
            $table->timestamps();
        });
    }

    /**
     * Reverse the migrations.
     */
    public function down(): void
    {
        Schema::dropIfExists('system_meta');
    }
};

FauxScheduler.php

<?php

namespace App\Jobs;

use App\Models\SystemMeta;
use Artisan;
use Illuminate\Bus\Queueable;
use Illuminate\Contracts\Queue\ShouldQueue;
use Illuminate\Foundation\Bus\Dispatchable;
use Illuminate\Queue\InteractsWithQueue;
use Illuminate\Queue\SerializesModels;
use Illuminate\Support\Carbon;
use Illuminate\Support\Facades\Log;

class FauxScheduler implements ShouldQueue
{
    use Dispatchable, InteractsWithQueue, Queueable, SerializesModels;

    const KEY_CHECK = 'FauxScheduler::LAST_CHECK';

    const KEY_RUN = 'FauxScheduler::LAST_RUN';

    public function handle(): void
    {
        $now = now();
        $prev = new Carbon(SystemMeta::get(self::KEY_RUN, now()->subDays(7)));
        SystemMeta::set(self::KEY_CHECK, $now);

        if ($prev->diffInMinutes($now) < 1) {
            return;
        }

        try {
            Artisan::call('schedule:run');
            SystemMeta::set(self::KEY_RUN, $now);
        } catch (\Exception $e) {
            Log::error('Error running FauxScheduler', ['exception' => $e]);
        }
    }
}

SystemMeta.php

<?php

namespace App\Models;

use Illuminate\Database\Eloquent\Factories\HasFactory;
use Illuminate\Database\Eloquent\Model;

class SystemMeta extends Model
{
    use HasFactory;

    protected $primaryKey = 'key';

    protected $table = 'system_meta';

    protected $fillable = ['key', 'value'];

    public static function get($key, $default = null)
    {
        $meta = self::where('key', $key)->first();

        return $meta ? $meta->value : $default;
    }

    public static function set($key, $value)
    {
        $meta = self::firstOrNew(['key' => $key]);
        $meta->value = $value;
        $meta->save();
    }
}