This is the result of JODA not being serializable in scala, resorting to utter bullshit, assumes year is 2016.

shitty_dt_formatter.scala

def fake_dt_formatter(month: String, day: String, time: String): Int = {
    val YEAR_2016 = 1451606400
    val days: List[Int] = List(0,31,60,91,121,152,182,213,243,274,304,335)
    val month_num = days("JanFebMarAprMayJunJulAugSepOctNovDec".indexOf(month) / 3) * 86400
    val day_num = (day.toInt-1) * 86400
    val time_vals = time.split(":")
    val time_num = time_vals(0).toInt * 3600 + time_vals(1).toInt * 60 + time_vals(2).toInt
    return YEAR_2016 + month_num + time_num + day_num
  }