gistfile1.txt

    Michael Phelps is a 7-foot man mountain who can palm a medicine ball.

    Michael Phelps swam the Atlantic Ocean…for fun.

    There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Michael Phelps’ computer. Michael Phelps is always in control.

    Michael Phelps once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

    While urinating, Michael Phelps is easily capable of welding titanium.

    Michael Phelps can explain the Xenu origin story in 7 minutes.

    For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Michael Phelps, each testicle is larger than the other one.

    Michael Phelps has Martha Stewart personally deliver the eggs for his breakfast every morning. And then he ridicules her when she doesn’t make them perfect.

    Michael Phelps can split the atom. With his bare hands.

    When Michael Phelps farts, the Red Sea parts.

    Michael Phelps CAN believe it’s not butter.

    Michael Phelps gets an epidural when he has to poo.

    Michael Phelps removed his own foreskin with the lid of a tuna can at the age of two. That foreskin now comprises the entire highway system of the town of Des Moines, Iowa.

    Michael Phelps makes me attracted to fish.

    When Michael Phelps lands in New York his plane touches down at JFK, LaGuardia AND Newark Liberty Airports… at the same time.

    Michael Phelps is going to successfully reunite all four Beatles.

    Michael Phelps brought Pangaea back together so he could enjoy one uninterrupted ocean.

    Michael Phelps is the only person I want at 3 am answering the phone. And 3 pm and 9 am and 6 pm and 5.17 and 2.10. Especially then.

    Bob Costas is still fellating him and asks you be patient.

    Michael Phelps is will be Obama’s running mate. He’ll also be McCain’s running mate.

    Michael Phelps was on hand to suggest the name “Nastia” to Mr. and Mrs. Liukin.

    Michael Phelps best friend is a humpback whale that answers to the name ” Bessie ”. They often go on 9 million mile swimming trips together, just for the heck of it.

    Michael Phelps told Russia to cut it out and they sort of left Georgia alone.

    Michael Phelps is the answer to every question that begins with “Why” and ends with “the universe.”

    Michael Phelps produces excessive greenhouse gases that he may one day swim uninterruped around the globe.

    Michael Phelps once answered the Sphinx’s riddle by staring it in the eye and pantomiming one slow butterfly stroke.

    Michael Phelps made Godot wait for him.

    Michael Phelps wasn’t even at the 2008 Olympic Games. He phoned it in from his Wii Fit.

    Michael Phelps pisses blue Gatorade.

    Michael Phelps can cure baldness. He just doesn’t want to, because “Some folks gotta lose!”

    Michael Phelps never gets the “Sorry, but the princess is in another castle” message in Super Mario Brothers.

    Michael Phelps was training in a river and smiled at a group of women washing clothes on the banks in passing. It is the creation story of Ancient Egypt.

    Michael Phelps canceled Arrested Development, just so everyone would have something to bitch about.

    When Michael Phelps appears, the lion doesn’t just lie down with the lamb, but offers to help with its organic chemistry homework.

    Michael Phelps is the operating system for the next Mac Air Water.

    And on the seventh day, Michael Phelps rested.