For Nick at http://www.doomtree.net

doomtree.php

<?php
/**
 * Plugin Name: Tons Of Fun for Nick
 * Plugin URI: https://yourmom.com
 * Description: A Drop In Plugin That'll speed the sh_t outta your site. No options, just ACTIVE or INCACTIVE :-) 
 * Version: 1
 * Author: Brad
 * Author URI: https://yourmom.com
 * Requires at least: 4.5
 * Tested up to: 4.5
**/

/* Nick this Kills of Admin Ajax */
/* It's gonna completely kill off any and all admin-ajax.php options */
/* Autosave & Locking Live Edits to Only ONE person will be disabled */
/* If you know you ain't ever gonna need those two options, leave 'em DISABLED & leave this plugin ACTIVE */
add_action( 'init', 'stop_the_dang_heartbeat_permanently', 1 );
function stop_the_dang_heartbeat_permanently() {
wp_deregister_script('heartbeat');
}
/* End Heartbeat */

/* Nick, if for some unknown reason, you really like those stupid emojis, simply add the forward slash and the asterisks */
/* Bye Emoji :-( */
remove_action( 'wp_head', 'print_emoji_detection_script', 7 );
remove_action( 'admin_print_scripts', 'print_emoji_detection_script' );
remove_action( 'wp_print_styles', 'print_emoji_styles' );
remove_action( 'admin_print_styles', 'print_emoji_styles' );
/* ...so sad */

/* Customize All Text */
/* Simply drop this file into your plugins folder via FTP or add the code to your child themes functions.php */
/* See the pattern below? Take the text you want to change & put in between the single quote right after the word case */
/* Now add the NEW text that you want on the next line between the single quotes */

function bkg_text_strings( $translated_text, $text, $domain ) {
	switch ( $translated_text ) {
		case 'Cart Totals' :
			$translated_text = __( 'Here are your items!', 'woocommerce' );
			break;
	}
	switch ( $translated_text ) {
		case 'Billing Details' :
			$translated_text = __( 'Lets Talk About You', 'woocommerce' );
			break;
	}
	switch ( $translated_text ) {
		case 'Your order' :
			$translated_text = __( 'Sweetness! Here Are Your Items!', 'woocommerce' );
			break;
	}
	switch ( $translated_text ) {
		case 'Shop' :
			$translated_text = __( 'Grab Whatever You Need!', 'woocommerce' );
			break;
	}
	switch ( $translated_text ) {
		case 'Add To Cart' :
			$translated_text = __( 'Heck Yeah!', 'woocommerce' );
			break;
	}
	switch ( $translated_text ) {
		case 'No products in the cart.' :
			$translated_text = __( 'Awww. Look at that lonely Cart. It seems so Empty!', 'woocommerce' );
			break;
	}
	switch ( $translated_text ) {
		case 'Your cart is currently empty.' :
			$translated_text = __( 'Your Cart Seems So Empty. Lets fill it Up!', 'woocommerce' );
			break;
	}
	switch ( $translated_text ) {
		case 'Continue to payment' :
			$translated_text = __( 'Great Job! Now Click Here To Finish!', 'woocommerce' );
			break;
	}
	return $translated_text;
}

/* Seriously Nick. Your database is gonna have enough rows. You really do NOT need to store a gazillion post revisions */
/* BEGIN stop storing post revisions */
define( 'WP_POST_REVISIONS', -1 );
/* END stop storing post revisions */


/* https://bradgriffin.me/proceed-to-checkout */
/* Move Proceed to Checkout button on cart page */
add_action( 'woocommerce_cart_actions', 'move_proceed_button' );
function move_proceed_button( $checkout ) {
	echo '<a href="' . esc_url( WC()->cart->get_checkout_url() ) . '" class="checkout-button button alt wc-forward" >' . __( 'Proceed to Checkout', 'woocommerce' ) . '</a>';
}
/* END Move Proceed to Checkout button on cart page */

/**
 * Optimize WooCommerce Scripts
 * This will stop any WooCommerce from loading and running when your NOT on a WooCommerce page or product post type.
 */
add_action( 'wp_enqueue_scripts', 'child_manage_woocommerce_styles', 99 );

function child_manage_woocommerce_styles() {
	//remove generator meta tag
	remove_action( 'wp_head', array( $GLOBALS['woocommerce'], 'generator' ) );

	//first check that woo exists to prevent fatal errors
	if ( function_exists( 'is_woocommerce' ) ) {
		//dequeue scripts and styles
		if ( ! is_woocommerce() && ! is_cart() && ! is_checkout() ) {
			wp_dequeue_style( 'woocommerce_frontend_styles' );
			wp_dequeue_style( 'woocommerce_fancybox_styles' );
			wp_dequeue_style( 'woocommerce_chosen_styles' );
			wp_dequeue_style( 'woocommerce_prettyPhoto_css' );
			wp_dequeue_style( 'woocommerce-general' );
            wp_dequeue_style( 'woocommerce-layout' );
            wp_dequeue_style( 'woocommerce-smallscreen' );
			wp_dequeue_script( 'wc_price_slider' );
			wp_dequeue_script( 'wc-single-product' );
			wp_dequeue_script( 'wc-add-to-cart' );
			wp_dequeue_script( 'wc-cart-fragments' );
			wp_dequeue_script( 'wc-checkout' );
			wp_dequeue_script( 'wc-add-to-cart-variation' );
			wp_dequeue_script( 'wc-single-product' );
			wp_dequeue_script( 'wc-cart' );
			wp_dequeue_script( 'wc-chosen' );
			wp_dequeue_script( 'woocommerce' );
			wp_dequeue_script( 'prettyPhoto' );
			wp_dequeue_script( 'prettyPhoto-init' );
			wp_dequeue_script( 'jquery-blockui' );
			wp_dequeue_script( 'jquery-placeholder' );
			wp_dequeue_script( 'fancybox' );
			wp_dequeue_script( 'jqueryui' );
		}
	}

}
/* End WooCommerce Scripts Wonderful Code */

/* Remove Superfluous info In The Head! */
 function remove_header_info() {
    remove_action( 'wp_head', 'rsd_link' );
    remove_action( 'wp_head', 'wlwmanifest_link' );
    remove_action( 'wp_head', 'wp_generator' );
    remove_action( 'wp_head', 'start_post_rel_link' );
    remove_action( 'wp_head', 'index_rel_link' );
    remove_action( 'wp_head', 'adjacent_posts_rel_link_wp_head' ); // for WordPress >= 3.0
}
add_action( 'init', 'remove_header_info' );
/* End Cleaning up the head */

/* Let's remove those pesky script version numbers!  */
 function bkg_remove_script_version( $src ) {
	if ( strpos( $src, 'ver=' ) ) {
		$src = remove_query_arg( 'ver', $src );
	}
	return $src;
}
add_filter( 'script_loader_src', 'bkg_remove_script_version', 15, 1 );
add_filter( 'style_loader_src', 'bkg_remove_script_version', 15, 1 );
/* End script version number removal */

/* Nick, this will open a lot of doors to get to ALL the settings in your dashboard ~ TREAD LIGHTLY!!! */
function all_settings_link() {
    add_options_page(__('All Settings'), __('All Settings'), 'administrator', 'options.php');
}
add_action('admin_menu', 'all_settings_link');
/* End All Setting Door */