Anti-capitalist liberal metropolitan elite vegetarian curry

Ingredients

Main bits and bobs

3 chopped brown onions
2 x 400g tins chickpeas, drained (ofc)
2 tins of chopped tomatoes
2 red peppers, deseeded and chopped
A decent amount of tomato puree.
A bit of fresh coriander (not needed, but it’s good to be a glutinous capitalistic pig sometimes)

For the paste

5 cloves of garlic
A fair bit of fresh ginger
1 or 2 red chillies, seeded or deseeded (depends on the heat)
1.5 tsp ground cumin
1.5 tsp ground coriander
1.5 tsp ground turmeric
2 tsp paprika
2 tsp garam masala
0.5 tsp ground cardamom power
Bit of water, or veggie oil if you’re feeling fat

If you think Mayonnaise is spicy

3 tbsp mango chutney
200ml natural yoghurt

Method

First of all, put all the shit for the paste into a blender, and whiz it up until it becomes a smooth paste. Then you need to cook them onions in a bit of oil – adding a bit of salt as you pop them in. Cook for around 20 minutes, or until they go all golden.

Add the paste, and the red peppers. Cook for around 10 minutes, and then throw in the chickpeas. After about 5 minutes (if it begins to stick, add more water) – put in the two tins of tomatoes as well as the tomato puree and around 150ml of water.

Cover with a lid, and simmer for 20 minutes – stirring occasionally.

If you’re horrendously white, put the mango chutney and natural yoghurt in now. After a couple of minutes (until that becomes warm) – chop up some coriander and throw that on top.

Serve with some rice, in the smug knowledge that no animals had to die for this delicious meal. Enjoy that feeling, and then feel embittered about the other issues in your life that, despite being conscious of, you do nothing to counteract; knowing full well that you’re slowly becoming who you previously despised.