How to be an asshole

annoying.js

/**
 * Annoying.js - How to be an asshole to your users
 *
 * DO NOT EVER, EVER USE THIS.
 *
 * Copyright (c) 2011 Kilian Valkhof (kilianvalkhof.com)
 * Visit https://gist.github.com/767982 for more information and changelogs.
 * Visit http://kilianvalkhof.com/2011/javascript/annoying-js-how-to-be-an-asshole/ for the introduction and weblog
 * Check out https://gist.github.com/942745 if you want to annoy developer instead of visitors
 *
 * Licensed under the MIT license. http://www.opensource.org/licenses/mit-license.php
 *
 */
/*jshint forin: false, immed: true, curly: true, eqeqeq: true, bitwise: true, noempty: true */
(function(a) {
  /**
   * Resize the window to fullscreen (1024x768 always)
   */
  a.fullScreen = function () {
    window.resizeTo(1024,768);
  };
  /**
   * Always keep the browser full screen
   */
  a.keepFullScreen = function () {
    window.onresize = function() {
      window.resizeTo(1024, 768);
    };
  };
  /**
   * Disable right click so users can not copy!
   */
  a.noRightClick = function () {
    document.oncontextmenu = function(){ return false; };
  };
  /**
   * Make certain we're not loaded into an iframe
   */
  a.onTop = function () {
    if (parent.frames.length > 0) { top.location.replace(document.location); }
  };
  /**
   * Disable users dragging photos or text to they can't copy them
   */
  a.noDrag = function () {
    document.ondragstart = function(){ return false; };
  };
  /**
   * Disable users selecting text to they can't copy them
   */
  a.noSelect = function () {
    //no text selection, in IE
    document.onselectstart = function () {
      if (event.srcElement.type != "text" && event.srcElement.type != "textarea" && event.srcElement.type != "password") {
        return false;
      } else {
        return true;
      }
    };
    //no text selection, in Firefox
    document.onmousedown=function(e){
      var obj=e.target;
      if (obj.tagName.toUpperCase() == "INPUT" || obj.tagName.toUpperCase() == "TEXTAREA" || obj.tagName.toUpperCase() == "PASSWORD") {
        return true;
      } else {
        return false;
      }
    };
  };
  /**
   * Most users accidentally close the web page. Remind them of this.
   * @param {string} msg optional message. If empty, "Please come back!!1" is displayed.
   */
  a.dontLeave = function (msg) {
    var message = msg || "Please come back!!1";
    window.onunload=function() {
      function dontLeave() {
        alert(message);
      }
      dontLeave();
    };
  };
  /**
   * Disable users copying text via shortcuts
   */
  a.noCopy = function () {
    window.onkeydown = function(e) {
      if ( e.ctrlKey ) {
        return false;
      }
    };
  };
  /**
   * Refresh the page every minute so it stays up to date
   */
  a.keepUpToDate = function(){
    setTimeout(
      function(){window.location = window.location;},
      1000*60
    );
  };
  /**
   * suppress all error messages so we never have any
   */
  a.neverAnyBugs = function () {
    window.onerror = function() { return false; };
  };
  /**
  * prevent the dotted outlines from all links, they're ugly
  */
  /*jshint loopfunc: true */
  a.preventOutlines = function () {
    for(var i in (a = document.getElementsByTagName('a'))) {
      a[i].onmousedown = function() {
        this.blur(); // most browsers
        this.hideFocus = true; // ie
        this.style.outline = 'none'; // mozilla
      };
      a[i].onmouseout = a[i].onmouseup = function() {
        this.blur(); // most browsers
        this.hideFocus = false; // ie
        this.style.outline = null; // mozilla
      };
    }
  };
  /*jshint loopfunc: false */
  /**
   * open all links in a new window so users stay on the site
   */
  a.stayOnSite = function () {
    for(var i in (a = document.getElementsByTagName('a')) ) {
      a[i].href = "javascript:window.open('" + a[i].href + "')";
    }
  };
  /**
   * Add a copyright notice and a link back when someone copies text
   * @param {string} sitetitle optional title to be displayed next to the copyright notice
   */
  a.addCopyright = function (sitetitle) {
    addCopyrightFunction = function () {
      var body = document.getElementsByTagName('body')[0],
          selection = window.getSelection(),
          copyright = sitetitle || "annoying.js",
          pagelink = "<br />Read more at: <a href='"+document.location.href+"'>"+document.location.href+"</a><br />Copyright &copy;" + copyright,
          newdiv = document.createElement('div');

      newdiv.style.position='absolute';
      newdiv.style.left='-99999px';
      body.appendChild(newdiv);
      newdiv.innerHTML = selection + pagelink;

      selection.selectAllChildren(newdiv);
      window.setTimeout(function() {
        body_element.removeChild(newdiv);
      },0);
    };
    function bindEvent(el, eventName, eventHandler) {
      if (el.addEventListener){
        el.addEventListener(eventName, eventHandler, false);
      } else if (el.attachEvent){
        el.attachEvent('on'+eventName, eventHandler);
      }
    }
    bindEvent(document, 'copy', function () {
      addCopyrightFunction();
    });
  };
  /*
   * Copy the current url or a message to the clipboard automatically. Only works in IE!
   */
  a.copyToClipboard = function (msg) {
    var text = location.href || msg;
    if (window.clipboardData && clipboardData.setData) {
        clipboardData.setData('text', s);
    }
  };
  /**
   * prevent the user from using the back button
   */
  a.preventBack = function () {
    try {
        history.forward();
        setTimeout('preventBack()', 500);
    } catch (e) {}
  };
  /**
   * Execute all the annoying.js functions
   */
  a.kitchensink = function () {
    this.fullScreen();
    this.keepFullScreen();
    this.noRightClick();
    this.onTop();
    this.noDrag();
    this.noSelect();
    this.dontLeave();
    this.noCopy();
    this.keepUpToDate();
    this.neverAnyBugs();
    this.preventOutlines();
    this.stayOnSite();
    this.addCopyright(); //useless with the noCopy(); function!
    this.copyToClipboard();
    this.preventBack();
  };
}(Annoying));

Won't this throw an error with Annoying being undefined?

Or did I miss part of the joke...

How about:

a.refresh = function() {
  setTimeout('location.reload(true);', 2000);
};  

I updated this with a bunch of new functions! Thanks for the replies/suggestions. This is still on my todo list:

• bookmark alert
• stuff floating around mouse
• move messages in the status bar

I made some fixes and jshinted the code! https://gist.github.com/998465

Thanks, I merged the changes back in! :)

doesn't work on chrome, here

Do you think that the 'a.stayOnSite = function ()' is still evil in the age of tabbed windows? Even sites like blogger give users the option of having links to pictures and other sites opened in a new window/tab...
-Jun

doesn't work...how annoying :D

What is in s, and why do you throw away the text value in copyToClipboard() ?

https://gist.github.com/alexmcmillan/4419e9375aec9886a919beac02bc5e9a

Opening links in a popup - it would be easier to assign target="_blank" than to create a popup ;)

A "force video autoplay" and a "recurrent pop-in" feature are missing.