A small journal about... a crush. About friendship, and about life.

A New Horizons.md

08/06/2018

Hello, so this is me, some guy. A new guy, I guess. This time I just remembered I left these notes and wanted to update, I've been using it as some sort of coping mechanism, I suppose always writing on them when something particularly terrible happened to me I guess, I've learned a lot about myself.. and about people, more than I could've ever imagined, the world is absolutely different, everything feels different, and I notice like way more things that I used to. But I'm still sort of a social retard, not so much like I was once was, but I still have some kind of issues here and there. And I've been using self-inspection, and analizing in order to figure out, well, how to achieve my goals. I've actually become busy, so I can't dedicate that much writing this. AND THAT'S TOTALLY FINE! Update: HOLY SHIT READING THIS IS SO MUCH CRINGE, KILL ME. It feels super cringy reading it, mainly because I'm aware of the mistakes I've done in the past, the false assumptions I took, and it's unbelievable how blind I am to social interaction, and it's still unbelievable how incredibly selfish and self-centered I am. And I am aware of that now, I think it's amazing, the fact that I am aware of it!

13/08/2018

Heyy people, I will write notes to my blog in my github instead where I'm hosting a webpage "about me", this has been fun!

freunds.md

11/21/2016

So... Yesterday, I teared a bit, had a thought, and after that thought, I started crying. The thought was, "I don't matter". And this idea was the one that hit me the hardest. I've been having bad thoughts lately. Thoughts that I'm unwanted, an annoyance. I'm a hindrance, a nuisance, to the lives of the people that I care. Or maybe I just care way too much about them. But when I am selfish and want to be cared of or wanted, I really don't feel that way, and it has hurt me.

Iʼve thinked about how much I matter to them, how much they care how much they would notice that Iʼm gone. But they wouldnʼt. They never cared. They might notice but they would never care. They never needed me, they would never miss me. They would never look for or me, they would never fight for me. It does make me feel unwanted, unsafe. And people who I canʼt trust, because they donʼt care. But now I donʼt feel welcome, they got fed up with me, my antics, myself. So Iʼll let them.

These kind of thoughts made me really sad, heartbroken and at one point a low form of depression.

I have fantasized about them wondering what is wrong with me, and me trying to explain. But then I remember that I probably wonʼt have to bother for explanations.

One of them told me I have nothing to offer as a friend, people donʼt want to be my friend, that I am too demanding, so I guess if I ever had an opportunity to make them friends I ruined it.

I have always heard that friendships require reciprocity, give and receive, and I guess giving too much to a friendship without waiting to receive something, maybe I havenʼt given enough to the people that have given me, or maybe I have given way too much for people who are uninterested in my friendship, I remember I am always the one who starts conversations, etc. Those kind of things are the things that lead me to believe itʼs one sided. Or maybe Iʼm just being way too selfish, either way I donʼt think I matter that much to them, theyʼll move on, and Iʼll have to move on too, learn to be a better friend to obtain better friends.ʼ

I guess I am just tired, and Iʼm just not willing to put more energy into it. If they need me they can look for me, but the problem is I need them. I care about them, and thatʼs why it hurts, and thatʼs why I need to let them go.

11/24/2016

I'm not sure how to feel about what I felt, I don't feel this way anymore but not for the best reasons.

I do feel I've been a bit immature, or at least emotionally immature, kind of weird, because it's not that I can control emotions or think so logical about it.

###12/30/2016

It was quite dissapointing, I am dissapointed in my personality in my stupidness in my shyness, in my courageouslessness, I felt terrible not being able to talk with people, feeling a huge fear and anxiety of wanting to talk with people, the worst part is missing opportunities to talk with people, people that look approachable and they go out, and the opportunity is gone.

So I've read a lot, a lot, a lot about talking with people, techniques, and also flirting, breaking contact barrier, etc, very hard to pull out at the same time.

These days I've gotten more comfortable at eye-contact, I don't look away until the others do, and it does feel amazing when you don't shy out of it.

Anyway, the previous day I was wondering what to do to travel and after talking with my dad on the phone I decided to just go outside anywhere, so I did, went outside, greeted a neighbor that greeted me last time but I didn't pay too much attention last time, got on the train, got out the train without talking to no one because no one seemed "friendly" enough, I realized that it was too early and the bank was not open, so I went to a market "platz" that was near there, and was too scared to talk to people, while walking on the hall mall I saw a nice girl walking, but obviously was not brave enough to approach her, so I just saw her walking to wherever, then I went to deliver some signed papers I had to sign in a bank, went to the store, and actually looked at things because I've never been there, and saw new things where I could buy stuff, I remembered back when I came here there was a flohmarkt but I never saw it, and I wanted to ask people about that, but everyone seemed busy and I was too scared to approach people and felt really horrible there, I was holding some emoji balloons which I took a picture from and even then someone approached me to ask how much do they costed, I answered I didn't know, probably less than 1 euro and they hanged around like for 40 seconds looking at the luftballoons and left. When they did that, I thought wow, I waited so damn long that people approached me, instead of me approaching to them! I did feel kind of bad knowing that normal people can just start conversations easilier than me. However that also gave me courage because I always have doubts like "is this normal? Am I allowed to do that? Do people do this?", and if someone else casually talks to me, it means that I can casually talk to people too, so there's no problem in doing that either. I went to another shop, and saw a cute girl approached her after some hesitation, she was looking at some cakes, and I saw no obvious pricetag, so I asked her, how much did the cakes cost, I don't remember the price, but she smiled at me, and I accidentally bumped into someone, and accidentally blocked the supermarket hall, a guy made an angry face at me.

Anyway, while walking again on the small mall hall tunnel, I saw another girl walking next to me but she was walking fast enough, and again was too pussy to talk to her. I got on the train again, went to the dom, and I saw next to an old lady, and I finally asked her, where she came from and she said from berlin, and made a very short chit-chat, after all that time, I finally did something, nice, I went to the dom, and Jeowah witnesses approached me, and I talked to them, of course it's not something to feel proud of considering they approached me first, and they gave me some advertisement, and tips I asked them about, I asked some people to help me take pictures of me at the dom, I asked some girls and they started laughing a lot, and after they gave me my phone back they walked away quickly.. I asked someone else and she was from Iran or something like that and couldn't understand either German or English, but she pointed at her daughter and told her that I just wanted a photo and when she saw her daughter taking me a picture she was like "Ohhh!", after that I went home very dissapointed that nothing interesting had happened and that I've always been a pussy to talk to people everytime. When I came back my roommate said that he discovered a meetup and asked me if I wanted to go, I remembered in some social advice website, to try to never reject invitations even if you don't like the idea, specially since I had no friends, I said, well ok, why not, sure.

When we were on the train I asked two young men which were carrying bottles what were they carrying, and they told me it was lemon flavoured vodka, I actually didn't We were walking and I asked some people for something around the location (which was no problem for me, which previously it was, so I guess I should feel good about that), he noticed pretty girls walking on the street, and he said, hey look at those, tell them something, and I said "Oh yeah, sure, you want to talk to them? tell them something, tell her she has a nice ass" acting like if talking to them was a non-issue but obviously, I would actually NEVER do it, I didn't feel bad because I felt that was on another league entirely. We went to the meeting which was a boards-game meeting, I must mention that during this walk, I had always the intention of talking with people, but I never did. I read a lot about the inherent importance of touch and that it influences people a lot more, I've been very aware lately of people who touch me, and when I touch people, so it's not uncommon for people to touch you. So we sat down, I introduced myself to the group, they were already playing a game, talked to them, I sat down next to the girl, I touched her barely while talking to her, and I asked her about her life a lot, what sports she liked, and things that happened to appear in the moment, I talked to the guys too of course, about things. She smiled and so did I. I really wanted to ask her, her contact, as some advice told me, it's always wise to keep contacts of all people you meet, and I wanted to do that, however I didn't have the courage to ask her the contact, when I was about to leave, she said something like "hey, you can find me by x facebook", and I asked her to type it down in the phone, I was very glad she did that, because obviously it means she wants to keep in contact, and I've been thinking how she "interested" she is in me, it's a bit weird, it was a completely new experience.

After that I went to a nightclub where entry was free if you came early enough, I talked to some guys who spoke spanish, and told me stuff, we talked around, after 1 hour of me standing around and fooling around the party doing nothing they saw me approach some girls, the thing is that she didn't understand what I said because the music was too loud, and I didn't speak clearly enough, at the end she implied, she didn't want anything with me, and I left it like that, the guys asked me what she said, I said, she said no, and they said, that I was on a good path, it's just all a numbers game and you'll eventually find something, then he gave me advice to don't ask yes/no questions but more open-ended questions where they're obligued to think of an answer, I talked to more people after that, a guy invited me a kolsh beer, I didn't like it, I talked to more girls, a fat girl approached me and told me something inane, and I approached her back and asked her random questions, after a very short time she said she's not flirting with me, she has a boyfriend, and I said ok, (I find it a bit interesting how quick she was to mention that), but it is interesting and at the same time gave me more confidence. I've recently feel bad from when people approach me first, I mean, it takes all the weight and anxiety, and makes everyhing way more confortable and easier, however from what I've experienced and felt is that it's really nice when a woman approaches first, but you shouldn't rely on that, you will never get what you want if you first wait for the right time, you just have to take it, to make it by yourself, and so when people approach me, I get more confident on approaching others, because I see that it is acceptable and that it goes well, and if so much time has passed that a girl approaches me, then it means that I've really wasted my time being anxious around not talking to people, not approaching, and it made me feel bad. As always, fear is always greatest before you approach people.

I made the mistake or staying too long there and realizing that there will be no trains until 4:30 am, so I was obligued to be there until the party ended, however, it ended early enough for there to be trains, I had 2 hours left until a train came, I talked to a black guy that picked his bag where he was going, he said more parties, and I asked him where, and he said he was going to show me, from what he told me, he parties a lot, but he isn't very smart or successful, he said he was hungry and wanted to eat, when we were there he said he had no money and asked if I could buy him a little something, and I was, well ok, a hamburger is not overly expensive, and people have been really nice to me, so why not, I bought him a cheeseburger, noticed people talking in spanish said hello, we ate a hamburger, on the central station a guy asked me for help, he was trying to read a sign but the text was too small and he couldn't read, he was an old guy and it was very late, and I wanted to help him, but the black man hurried me up and I got carried away, I feel bad about that, we walked on the streets at very late hours in the night, and the experience was very interesting, it had a bit of this aventure I was looking for, the guy put on some brazilian sad music and it was a nice listen, from what I figured out, he also had no idea there was not going to be any trains to go to a party, and he usually finds parties by walking at late nights on the street. He went to a bar, when I first got in I saw about 30 men, and only 1 girl, and then I saw posters of men posing, and after a long while he told me what I was imagining as soon as I got there, that it was a gay bar, and I was like oh shit, I looked around at all the place to see if it said it was a gay bar but I couldn't find any proof but just that there were no women, and that there was a a bit of advertisment that pass men posing but not in a overly gay way, from what I figured out, it's a implied gay bar, and as soon I figured out, I quickly left without saying goodbye to the guy, I went to the train station, got anxiety of talking to people again, took my train, overslept on the train, got woked up by the train driver, that it was the last station, "Oh scheiße!" he asked me where I was supposed to go, I told him, and he said, oh get on again, you'll be there in 15 minutes, and when I finally got home, it was very nice.

The day after was exactly like this, except that I went to some international event, and I talked to people more casually, this time it was easier, however I met a guy who had such charm, such charisma, so great, it was really inspiring. He introduced me to girls he just met and everything, I was shocked, inspired, and admired how easy and confident he was, I made him an example to follow, after meeting such personality I was a bit inspired and I had something to follow, I left a cute girl french girl with an adorable accent which had invited me to follow her just to ask him for his contact, unfortunately he didn't respond to it. I do still admire this kind of charm. I am more motivated now to talk to people, the fear is still there, it's a great fear.

I'm getting more confident now, to go outside, to talk to people, looking back, it's incredible how much I've improved in so little time, but I feel ambitious, and I want more and I don't want to stop, I think I like this feeling, this thrill of talking to people, and besides, I need friends, so why the fuck not?

I'm half-mindblown, because as evidenced, I have completely gotten new positive results, except that I expected more, for some reason, seems I always expect too much, however I am completely convinced that different actions return different results, I've acted differently, and gotten different results, and I'm shocked, and okay with that. It was an eventfull week, and I have to accept that.

###1/15/2017 talking has been made easier, approaching is still difficult but it is considerably less hard than it was. Feeling more comfortable now for now. I've had several interesting experiences that are relatively new for me, but nothing that it is lifechanging. I must admit that they could be labeled as numerous considering how low to none contact I've had with other people in the past.

This image is really upsetting since before a while you could say I couldn't check all the boxes I've started like since 2 years to use social networking and stuff but ironically so yeah and like only until I tripped I've 'moved out', but that was only 2 months ago, that's the only achievements, I've got, which isn't that much really, but this was really disencouraging to my self-steem but it made me think on my goals and on my achievements too.

It's important to try not to feel self-pity at times like these, I guess, in many ways I'd like to think I am lucky.

4/3/2017

I don't know what think about, apparently all I want to do in a conversation is to say woe is me, and find someone to tell me that all will be fine in the end, somehow. Such childish thoughts I still have... I have to be in the conversation without taking the spotlight, such very hard to do thing, I believe.

Parorou.md

10/19/2016

I've heard it is a bit therapeutic to write about these things. Have you ever had a crush on someone? I never thought I'd have one, until it happened to me. Of course. I've not yet confessed these sort of feelings, and I don't want to either. I actually want to forget it. It's not a person that I've met in real life, shouldn't that make this crush less serious, because I've never met it. Well it certainly doesn't feel that way either. It's been about a week or two, I've not thought much about me having a crush, but then I realized that my invasive thoughts about this person was enough evidence I needed, to see if I had one. and I can't hide it anymore, I have a big crush on someone. sometimes it hurts. I have headaches or chest pain, and I don't know what to do. I do day-dream and fantasize a lot of time about scenes with this person, good scenes, bad scenes, inappropiate scenes. I can't stop thinking about it, but the truth is I want to stop. I feel I'm not mature enough for it, or smart enough to handle it, or altruistic enough. I'm trying to think about the worst qualities of crush, trying to find out reasons why it wouldn't work out, to make me feel better, I suppose. I just hope one day, this looks like one cheesy ordeal.

10/20/2016

Well, I don't know how I did it, was it really a crush then?, but ignoring such crush and avoiding the internet for a while made me, forget about it in some way. Well, I hope it doesn't get revived soon, but at the moment I'm semi-okay, way less emotional than yesterday. I've have gotten those invasive thoughts again, but this time I'm more conscious and change my train of thought towards something else. Hopefully this is all over soon.

10/22/2016

Seems I spoke too soon, it is unavoidable, unstoppable, but I like my crush even more now than before. And I seem to have lost the reasons to hate them. They're however in a far away land, and it is not in my plans to go there any time soon, maybe I'm just overthinking this.

10/28/2016

Well, this has been an emotional rollercoaster, I didn't even remember how crying felt like, but I've cried very often now, in order to cry, you have to be very sad. Even if you're not sad at the situation, you have to be very sad at something... I didn't know, I had the ability to cry so fast, it's interesting..

I've been thinking about confesing, but the truth is, I've discovered multiple good and bad reasons to not do it at any moment, if they don't expect it, I'll just be looked as a creep, or who knows. And they're perfectly valid reasons, you know. I've read so many blogposts about signs, tips, feelings. And, I believe I would have seen 'signs' they like me too, the problem is, that I am probably looking way too hard for absolutely any clue, it could mean anything, and I shouldn't make assumptions based on that. I've felt real sad, real happy, suffered a fair bit, but, I really want it to stop. It hurts.

10/29/2016

I could've said that I've been a crying addict, because it feels good, somehow. So, I've been thinking a lot about it, trying to reason stuff, trying to be level headed. I read a internet comment about people feigning interest but being "busy" all the time, that they just wanted them to get attention, they really didn't want to commit or anything. It was shocking, and I thought about it, and thought, damn, this makes too much sense. Of course that is an assumption, and could be wrong, maybe they're geniunely busy or something. But it doesn't seem right, they appear to have time, I wouldn't know what to think... However, assuming, they have pretended interest, makes me feel tricked, manipulated somehow, like, if I were a fool. And, I feel like a fool now. I find it is a shame, she seemed like a nice girl...

I think I've seen strong signals of rejection, so, that's it, I guess. It's over. After another signal of rejection, I decided it was enough, and got completely heartbroken. I really wasn't expecting that, but now that I think it, it's probably for the best. Now, I only wish time can heal the wounds. Well, I think that is it, another time will come, to love and be loved.

10/31/2016

So, it has come again to this, to write about this huh. I've come to interesting conclusions. I've read stories about people not letting go, and being in unrequited love for years, sometimes decades, that must hurt, and while we really can't choose or decide who we fall in love, we can deal with it, we can decide if we want to wallow in it and keep being reminded of such idea, or about letting the idea go away, that's is indeed at least something we can choose. I've decided that life is too short to be dependant on the happiness of just one person. That I'm not scared of rejection, of losing friendship, and I'm okay with that. I want to tell her, because, I'm not scared of rejection, because I'm ready to move on, to have a nice life, to feel loved, to be happy. Because I thought that.... I don't know. But I think, I'm not going to miss any more oportunities.

After a small moment after writing this, a thought raced my mind, what if I do it just now? Thought about it for a long while, a deep breath, thought about the consequences, thought about losing the friendship, I knew confessions ruined friendships, but I was a little spiteful, so I thought I'd throw it away, I didn't care, I thought about those guys who kept their crushes for 5 years and still haven't confessed, decided that life was too short for it, and that there wouldn't be any regrets, and did it. For a short moment, after I did it, it felt great, because I overcame the fear. It was finally over. I needed to say it, and I did it. And no matter the reply, I expected the worst, but I was okay with it. I was okay with the worst, I didn't fear it, and that made me felt really alive. You could say I was prepared to move on. I thought I did things backwards.

11/02/2016

After a short conversation, she said she was flattered. But that was it, I guess. From many sources I did read that friendship would be over, or that it was never going to be the same, well, it certainly was not going to be the same, I decided not to kill the friendship, or to cut off contact, if she wants to message me, she can, I don't believe she will, I won't creep her out anymore though. It's what it would be a second best outcome. I want to wish her a great life, and farewell.

11/03/2016

Lol, what am I thinken. I think I have ideas..

11/20/2016

I guess it's been nice, I am not as infatuated as I was before, but after telling her, things have been different. she's been nice, but that's about it. I would hate myself if I annoyed her too much, but mostly, I am mad at myself for liking her, and mad at myself for expecting she would like me too.

12/11/2016

I'm sometimes worried when I talk with you, I feel you're attracted to me, and I like that feeling a lot, because the truth is, I am attracted to you, I like you a lot. However there is the possibility that you're just flirting around with me, without really feeling something for me, and that makes me really sad. I think so much about you it is insane, you're on my head all day. Sometimes it makes me angry at you, because I think so much about you that it annoys me. Makes me angry, but the truth is, it's not your fault at all, it is my fault, so I'm angry at myself. I have so many things to say.

12/14/2016

Well, there was a development, in which she finally said, she didn't like me that way, it stung a little, I must admit I thought all day about, it, made up reasons, and was distracted the whole day, and I think I'll probably be a bit distracted for the time to come. I'm not sure what to say, I guess I kinda did saw it coming, and was preparing for it, was worried about it, and feared it a lot, but when it happened it wasn't that bad, maybe I was in shock or maybe I somehow just stopped caring, I mean, I still care, I could still easily breakdown again, very easily. All in all, I guess it was nice... I'm not sure how to feel or what to think, really.

12/15/2016

Perdón por bloquearte, soy un pendejo inmaduro de mierda. Lo hize porque la verdad no sabia que hacer, y no te queria hablar... y por culero, la verdad eres la primera persona que bloqueo, y esa mierda. Eres la primera persona en muchos aspectos la verdad... Igual no te queria molestar, creo que ya te he perturbado bastante... Nunca fue mi intención la verdad. No sé que me pasó. No sé que decirte. No sé si pueda continuar, no soy tan inteligente como pensaba, no soy tan brillante como imaginaba, no soy tan sabio como creia. La verdad es que no soy nada. Debes darte cuenta que como un pendejo egoísta que yo soy, adoro cada poquito de atención que me das, que me estas dando, y eso no es muy sano. Esto me pasa a mi por ilusionarme.

Esto me ha enseñado cosas acerca de mi y acerca de todo al menos un poquito. La sabiduria del dia a dia dice que yo deberia ignorarte al menos por un buen tiempo mientras se me pasa mi maricada. Tú me distraes mucho durante el dia, a veces me cuestiono si las personas tambien piensan de mi o si simplemente no me notan y se olvidan y ya.

Creo que lo que más me cuesta a mi es superar esto solo, porque es asi como lo debo superar.

Creo que quieres que nosotros seamos amigos, pero no entiendo por que quisieras hacer eso, yo soy un mal amigo, y soy una mala persona, creo que leo tenia razón, yo no tengo nada que ofrecer como persona, o como amigo, asi que sólo me ofreces amistad por lástima, lo peor de todo es que si, me siento necesitado, y hasta la tomaria, pero mi auto-estima se hundiria bien fondo al saber que lo unico para lo que soy bueno es para dar lástima, y que la unica razón por la que quieres ser amigos es porque te sientes culpable o algo. Yo quisiera ser útil, ser confiable, siento que no le sirvo nada a nadie, y solo estorbo, la verdad no sé que hacer..

Claramente debo estar haciendo algo mal para que las cosas me salgan asi pero nadie me dice como hacerlo bien, y nadie me dice que es lo que estoy haciendo mal, mis errores, se que los tengo pero no sé cuales son..

12/18/2016

I want to say that I've learned some things by overthinking about it in retroespective, I've thinked a lot about the reasons she didn't found me suitable, or she didn't found me that interesting, was it because I was clingy, needy, maybe she just happened to love somebody else already, or was it because of other reasons..? I may know one day, I may never know. But I still think about it a lot, if it is something I did wrong, if I ever had any chance, now I know it is kinda ruined anyway. After thinking after a long while I've noticed that she said she didn't date the other guys because "They had emotional issues and were clingy and needy", when she said that, I felt identified, and I think she indirectly sent me a message of why she didn't like me, however I don't know this for certain, but I decided it was the most likely explanation as I am afraid she wouldn't answer, answer truthfully, or just answer something meaningless... For example if she said, she's just not that into me, there would have to be a reason, right, I mean, obviously you cannot like everyone that way, but she can suggest improvements, or have certain attributes in mind that I wouldn't fulfill, well, at least for me it would work that way...

So because I'm clingy and needy sometimes, then she can see that as off-putting, so I could try changing such behaviour, but I'm not really sure I should because the truth is, is that, I think I do enjoy relying on people sometimes, as in, yeah, sure, I can learn to become independent, and be stable, be self-reliant, and maybe that would be great, but wouldn't it be also very nice if I relied on someone for some things...

No, I think I got it all wrong, I think what people want is someone that trust the other person enough to do other things not because that one person relies on the other, but because they trust the other enough for them to do it. I think that's what most people are trying to say. Hmm, I guess I can't really complain about that, other than it takes too much hard work and effort. If you become so independent, however, wouldn't you kind of hate the people who aren't as independent as you are? Maybe, but it would hurt less watching them leave... What's the point of changing myself, if I change myself, people who like me for what I am, would stop liking me because I'm not longer the self I used to be? So do I need to take action in life, or just be overly patience, because "surely, life has something for me." -- I don't think patience works that way. There are people who actually believe there really is somebody for everybody.

But, wait a moment, is that true at all, the belief that there can be people who like me for who I am, right now? However, why would you believe such foolish thing, there really is no evidence that people have some sort of soulmate, or that someone in the world is meant for you, that's such a feel-good belief, I think it is more like a market of needs, wants and desires. There are people who have attributes that are more desirable for the market and therefore are more valuable, so they can even get to decide from the offers they receive. There are people who manage to be unlucky and just get piled with other unlucky ones who know they can't get better so they just settle in, in the economy there are certain socially stablished rules where they state you can only be with 1 partner at least at a time, so you can't get to be with many partners, unless the people you are with agreed on it, but since that isn't really common it is unlikely, so even if there are people who can be "ideally matched", the agents don't have complete information about the market, in order to get information from these items on the market you need to spend some time getting to know the people around you, or just observing their likes or their tastes to see if they match, if they do you can just try offering yourself to them, however getting that information up comes with a cost, either be money, time, etc. In this century there are business, which their model consists of lowering costs of finding their ideal partner, like those dating sites. Now just add people who are just looking for hookup, and women who don't want to admit they're just looking for hookup because society will frown down on them, and you have a real mess. If you can understand that, then you can understand that there isn't a soulmate exactly made for you, because that's the most stupid bullshit you can think of. If you have a low value and don't try to match up with others on the market, you can really end up being 50+ kissless virgin, who never made any friends because, "it just didn't happen", and the worst part is that there really are real life examples about it.

So, knowing how the market works, do you really think that just "waiting for the one", will happen if you decide to be patient about it, and never take action?, well obviously it won't happen, that's not how the real world works. Stop watching cartoons you idiot.

But I've thought about why would I want to have a partner, and I discovered it was because I have emotional needs I want to satisfy, so the question is if I can satisfy those emotional needs without the market. There might be people whom value in the market is really low and won't have the opportunity as more endowed ones to find partners as easily as they come. If you believed on fairy tales, you wouldn't worry about them, but if you understand the dating market, you know they really can be lonely, so I was thinking maybe there are emotional needs who can be also satisfied by machines, machines which contain programs advanced enough so that they can manage specific emotional needs you may have, if those existed we wouldn't rely on the dating market so much as just making your ideal combination of need-satisfying algorithms just would be enough to make you happy. And you wouldn't have to focus on what other people care or think about you, you can really just be yourself, the way you are, wouldn't that just be amazing?

12/30/2016

I think of you less now, like around 5-30 minutes per day, instead of thinking of you all day. Not sure how to feel about that really, in my birthday I spent a big deal of time thinking about you. Hoping that you'd like me and everything. I think we wouldn't be that compatible if we actually tried, but I cannot say for sure, in my mind you're still irreplaceable. I still am grateful of you, of the joys you've made me feel, and of the things you've made me think, imagine and dream.

11/10/2017

Hello betacuck journal, what's up, omg I haven't written here in forever. Nothing has happened, no game, but game awareness, that's been quite mindblowing, also I wanted to quote something our beloved Parorou proclaimed:

 (edit 13/10/2017 I forgot something she said before, so I appended it)
 you're so outrageously clueless about social interaction, people, etc, trying to help you is an exercise in frustration"
 you talk about people like they're just objects, objects for your entertainment and learning goals
 you want to be loved and liked, but judging by this, you have trouble seeing them as people with the same human needs
 you're retarded
 you're like... superficial in the worst way possible
 you only care about results regardless of what's inside of you
 you will never like yourself.

You know I just really wanted to remember such thing..