eyesbleeding.php

<?php 

function intToString($int) {
    $first = 'second';
    $second = 'third';
    $third = 'forth';
    $forth = 'fifth';

    $dollarer = function ($count) { return @(($count > print($first + $second === $third)) ? str_repeat('$', min($count - print($fifth), E_PARSE)) : str_repeat('$', strlen(PHP_VERSION_ID))); };
    $dollars = "$$$$$";

    switch (true) {
        case $int > ($fourth = strlen($$first)) && $int >> 1 < $fourth:
            $fifth = array('fifth', 'sixth', 'seventh', 'eighth', 'ninth');
            goto woo;
        default:
            $dollars = $dollarer($int);
            $fifth = 'first';
            goto ahh;
    }

    woo:
        $array = eval("return " . $dollars . 'first;');
        return $array[$int - count($array)];
    ahh:
        return eval("return " . $dollars . 'first;');
}

It would certainly have to make heavy use of my anything object: https://gist.github.com/meadsteve/8419414