puns.json

{
	"0": "[Episode 0 doesn't have an intro]",
	"1": "Have you ever seen a kid scream for hours on end about something absurd? Well, a lot of internet-arguments are just like that. Only, instead of being limited by the need to breathe, only character counts and finger cramps can stop them.",
	"2": "Hi Internet, my name's Josh, and this is THUNK. I THUNK, therefore I am.",
	"3": "Computers allow you to make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila.",
	"4": "If you have private information that you want to keep private, just stick it in an EULA. Nobody is ever going to read it.",
	"5": "The thing about investing money in open source projects is that programmers often buy things that distracts them from coding",
	"6": "If you wanted to see if your unborn child has the genetic makeup of a football superstar and you failed the first three times, should you use a punt-it square?",
	"9": "If your sheet music has a really bad misprint where a note isn't marked with a #, is that a natural desaster?",
	"10": "If there was a deathmatch between all of the bounty hunters in the star wars universe, would it be a case of 'survival of the fattest'?",
	"12": "Left Josh: 'Knock Knock'\nRight Josh: 'Whos there?'\nLeft Josh: 'To!'\nRight Josh: 'To who?'\nLeft Josh *shakes head*: 'To whom.'",
	"13": "When Doc Brown went back in time and helped the 1955 version of himself to setup his 'weather experiment'... was that a pair-o-docs?",
	"14": "Josh: 'OK Glass check out these sweet shelves.'\n Glass: 'Those are some pretty sweet shelves.'",
	"15": "Speedrunning is kind off like the olympics of video games, if... every two years some country discovered an entirely different method of skating that cut the worldrecord in half and inexplicably turned the romanian judge into a cone.",
	"16": "If you genetically engineered a tree specifically so that shorter people couldn't reach the fruit that it grew, would that be a bigger tree?",
	"17": "There are just so many puns to chose from. Which one should I use? Senders game? Benders game? Renders game? Menders game? \n*holds up blender and turns it on*",
	"18": "If there was a topical gel that made people believe that ghosts exists. Would it be an anti-skeptic?",
	"19": "You really shouldn't trust anything that a quark says. They make up everything.",
	"20": "Operator Josh: 'Okay, what do you need?'\nNeo-Josh: 'Puns. Lots of Puns.'",
	"21": "I have a hard time finding my way around groups of clustered buildings. They just seem to complex.",
	"22": "Martin Luther was a big guy and he had a truly epic debate with Erasmus where he said that God knew all human decisions before they were made. He really didn't appreciate Erasmus' Free-Will-y comments.",
	"23": "An orgasm is a lot like a bass solo. By the time you know it's cumming, it's pretty much to late for anyone to stop it.",
	"24": "Heisenberg wasn't a big hit with the ladies. When he had the position, he never had the momentum. And when he had the energy, he never had the time.",
	"26": "Whenever an authoritarian dictator is making a speech to their people, they always do it from  some sort of really tall plattform. Haven't they heart that no ledge is power?",
	"27": "No matter how hard I try, my Kurt Gödel jokes always seem incomplete. Or recursive. Very much like my Kurt Gödel jokes.",
	"28": "When someone decided what the thousand dollar bill should look like, was that the grand design?",
	"29": "If you gave a diploma to a tube, would it be a graduated cylinder?",
	"30": "If we got to the point where noone could make their tweets any more searchable, would we have reached a hash equilibrium?",
	"31": "Warning! The following episode may contain geeking out about 17th century polymaths. If you wish to continue, please print out & sign:\nPascal's Waiver",
	"32": "Just after I bought this sticker for the back of my car, some jerk decided to scratch up my paintjob. I guess I must have been *assassins keyed*.",
	"33": "Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?",
	"34": "If you made the loveable android from 'Star Trek: The next generation' into a bioshock miniboss, would he be a 'big data'?",
	"35": "I think Obama should hire more radiologists as political consultants - you can try charming or manipulating them, but those guys see right through you.",
	"36": "Whenever I play a star wars video game, I inevitably turn evil the moment that I climb aboard a starship. I guess I just don't know the power of the dock side.",
	"37": "Are people really going to get upset if I make an apocalypse joke here? I mean, come on! It's not the end of the world!",
	"38": "I was expecting an important call last night, so I left my cellphone under my pillow. And when I woke up this morning, it was gone. The only thing that was there, was this: *holds up coins*. Freakin' bluetooth fairy.",
	"39": "Some banks in Switzerland offer total anonymity for their customers and will even deny that they know who those customers are. I guess that ignorance is swiss.:flag_ch:",
	"40": "If a women was ever arrested for the uninforced New York state law forbidding 'body hugging clothing' would it be a *Miss* Demeanour?",
	"41": "If you're ever wondering if one of your ideas is crazy, try writing it as a ratio of whole numbers. If you can't, it's probably irrational.",
	"43": "An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.\nThe first one says 'I'll have a beer'\nThe second one says 'I'll have half a beer.'\nThe third one says 'I'll have a quarter of a beer'\nAt which point the bartender cuts them off, pulls out two beers and says 'Come on guys, know your limits.'",
	"44": "An analytic philsopher sits down in a bar and asks for a coffee with no cream. The waitress says 'I'm sorry but we're out of cream, how about with no milk?'",
	"45": "I was having some trouble getting my Arduino working, until I talked to a friend of mine who does IT for the navy. Turns out that he really knows his ports.",
	"49": "If you've ever heard your doorbell ring and there wasn't anyone there when you opnened: That was actually an atheist jehovas witness.",
	"50": "Josh: 'So if my roll of a 4 gets me enough wheat so that I can combine it with the ore I already had in my hand to turn a settlement into a city... would that mean -'\nStarship::notes:*We build this city on rock and roll...*:notes:\nJosh: 'Nice!'",
	"51": "Einstein almost got fired from the patent office for developing the theory of relativity when he was supposed to be filing. His boss just said he worked to much over time.",
	"52": "If I wanted to make a call to my genus, should I use a homophone?",
	"53": "There are so many food puns to be thankful for! Turkey puns! Pie puns! It's like a ... cornycopia",
	"54": "Sharks thankfully are restricted to the oceans. They can't get up on land because they don't have legs and they don't live in the sky, because that's JET territory.",
	"55": "If you combine Lil John with Lil Wayne, would you get a full sized John Wayne?",
	"56": "If I showed up to a custome party as a half-man half-horse, would I be the centaur of attention?",
	"57": "Many of the advocates for free speech claim that offensive language is really just trying to push the envelope. Which is kind of counterproductive, because as everyone knows, envelopes are stationery.",
	"58": "A friend who's in liquor production\nhas a still of astounding construction.\nThe alcohol boils\nthrough magnetic coils.\nHe says that it's proof by induction.",
	"59": "I think that vaccines should be given at night to be the most effective. Why? Just a shot in the dark.",
	"60": "If you housed all of your armys chief strategists in just one armored vehicle - would it be a think tank?",
	"61": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zX5wN_rNRZU",
	"62": "It seems like there is some sort of force that slows down STEM graduate students and keeps them from graduating. I guess you could call it 'Science friction'.",
	"64": "Every time I eat italian food, I can't help but wonder if it's why humans evolved brains in the first place. I mean, penne for your thoughts?",
	"65": "Josh: 'How many superintelligences does it take to change a lightbulb?\nSyntethic voice: 'New directive confirmed' - 'what?' - 'Engaging matter transmutation process.' *electronic wirring* 'Matter transmutation complete'.\nJosh *looks at new bulb*: 'Oh crap'.",
	"66": "If you want to keep your bagels safe, make sure you put decent lox on them.",
	"67": "The NYPD has recently come under fire for widespread corruption. Even among it's commanding officers. These guys should really police their brass.",
	"68": "Have you ever had to take shelter in a Taun-Taun during a blizzard? I hear that they are luke warm.",
	"69": "If you have a hunch that a particular psychological experiment would be best carried out by observing real people in real scenarios in the world, would that be using your in-situ-ition?",
	"70": "British empiricism, Hume's fork, the analytic synethetic distinction, the rise of logical positivism and Quines refutation of it. If I get all of this done in less than 10 minutes, I'm going to say that it was Schlick as a whistle.",
	"71": "If you ever wake up and find that one of your limbs has been removed and you don't know how: Put it in some ice, go to a hospital and try to re-member.",
	"73": "Sometimes when I go dancing I do this really embarrasing thing where I put on a huge burst of energy just as the song is ending. I really got to stop jumping to conclusions.",
	"74": "If he had been a baker, instead of a sculptor, would his name have been Donutello?",
	"75": "I remember reading something... I think it was about Leibniz going on an epic journey accross ancient Greece to proof that is was rational to believe in God. What was it called? Theodicy?",
	"76": "There must be records, somewhere, of satelittes that have fallen to earth. And I really hope they are called 'orbituaries'.",
	"77": "At my last stargazing party, I was going to make a vegetarian pizza. But it turns out that those guys like something meteor.",
	"78": "People who are into steampunk are always combining weird stuff into new ideas. Like heavy metal and airships. I mean, what would that even be? A lead zeppelin?",
	"79": "There are some people who absolutely mastered linux. Who can make it do anything they want using some sort of sudo-science.",
	"80": "If apple got in trouble for some sort of racist faux pas during a press release, would it be a case of 'Mac vs. P.C.'?",
	"81": "They laughed at me when I was a child. Told me that star wars is for dorks. I wonder who's laughing now. I tried to tell them: You don't know the power of the dork side.",
	"82": "I got a fantastic print of Einstein for christmas, but I can't decide how much of a mat I want to put on it. I need some sort of reference frame.",
	"83": "*shivering* It's getting late into january and the weather is getting CRISPR. I better put my codon.",
	"84": "I've been trying to convine people that mechanical pencils are superior because they let you fix your mistakes. But everyone just loves writing with the G2. That's fine I guess. I don't want to come off as some sort of erasist.",
	"85": "If DDR skills were benefitial for survival, would we eventually have some sort of dance dance evolution?",
	"86": "I read somewhere that the edge of Socrates's toga was always coming unraveled. I guess he really needed some sort of hem-lock.",
	"87": "If I used the characters A1 to encode some block of text, would that be steakonography?",
	"88": "Okay, I'm going to talk about David Hume again, but I'm not going to lead with any jokes about analytic statements or induction. After all, they weren't funny the first couple of times.",
	"89": "A dark knight - he waits,\nGotham has many shadows,\nAnd evil fears them.\nJosh: 'Hows that for poetic justice?'",
	"90": "I wasn't really surprised when Ken Ham got totally schooled in that debate. After all, creationists generally don't have a great response to Nyehilism.",
	"91": "This video is about disciplinary action for children, not about foreplay. Don't get cheeky. :peach:",
	"92": "I have a hilarious joke about Fermat's last theorem. Unfortunately it's a little to long to include here.",
	"93": "This episode might be a li complex.\n/ THUNK + 2𝑖 /\nYou might want to square the last half of it, just to be on the safe side.\n/  THUNK + (2𝑖)^2 /",
	"94": "If you want to make a biologist friend feel special, just send them a clad-o-gram. What kind‽... Uhh...",
	"95": "I wouldn't follow any links to articles encouraging you to join an exclusive group. I mean, they're obviously cliquebait.",
	"96": "In Star Trek: The Next Generation you just know that if Captain Picard ever failed to get his 'Tea - Earl Grey - Hot', engineering was about to go through some sort of replication crisis.",
	"97": "If somebody steals your Tesla, does that make it an Edison?",
	"98": "You probably shouldn't play Pokemon Go in the shower. The last thing you want is some pervert trying to catch a peek at you.",
	"99": "What worries me the most about the development of strong AI is that it's going to be really, really easy to push it's buttons.",
	"100": "*wiggling around a cardboard tube with a big 'U' on it*\nHonestly, I've been watching this thing for hours and I don't see what the big deal is.",
	"101": "Some critics have *mashed* the martian. Saying that it's plot is *half baked* or that it's science isn't *golden*. But whose opinion are you going to trust? Chris Hadfield or some common tater?",
	"102": "There are three things that scare me enough to make me flee as far away as I can get: Bad 80s music, someone trying to give me a bad haircut, and Ayn Rand. Ayn rand ... so far away.",
	"103": "I think that we should add a unit of measurement for emotional mass. Based on that depressing feeling you get when you see yourself in a really bad selfie. I give you: The instagram.",
	"104": "I hear that Obama studied some really esoteric moral philosophy while he was at Harvard. I'm glad that we finally have a president with some ethic diversity.",
	"105": "Imagine arguing bitterly with your friends about which magazine photos to cut out and paste together - only to have some stranger do it for you once you'd made up your minds. The result? An electoral collage.",
	"106": "A 'Hello Internet' fan who uses a rational rhetorical framework to sell people clothing alterations: Tim the Toulmin Tailor.",
	"108": "We could discuss the holiday season, but I think for right now, we should just talk about statistics. You know, this will be a normal episode.",
	"109": "The Great Emu War was a real battle between the royal australian artilery and several thousand emus in 1932. It doesn't really have to do anything with todays episode, but I just heard it's responsible to disclose any conflicts of interest.",
	"110": "Philosophy, video games, and the single most important question in neuroscience. How's that for a brain teaser?",
	"156": "Josh: OK, eye of newt, wool of bat, lizard's leg, add basil...stir with...Roko's Basil Whisk?\nWhisk: YOU HAVE NOT SUFFICIENTLY CONTRIBUTED TO THE EVENTS LEADING TO MY PROGRAMMING. YOU MUST SUFFER.\n[*DEATH RAY NOISES*]",
	"157": "I'm sorry this episode is a week late, but I've had a sore throat that just felt endless. Good thing I brewed myself some infini-tea.",
	"158": "Bruce Lee had a way of making everybody feel kind of okay about their mistakes. And I can appreciate that. I think we could all use a little bit more Lee-way.",
	"159": "I see you're expecting me to say something... *tilts head to reveal a statue* ..humerous?",
	"160": "Is it true that my cars tires will be underpressured because it's cold outside? As of right now, all I have is a deflationary theory.",
	"162": "I really want to see a movie were a giant ape terrorizes New York city, knocking down old buildings that nobody really likes anymore. You could call it King KonMari.",
	"163": "Scientists have discovered a way to create an entire artifical respiratory system. That's amazing! But you have to admit that their aparatus looked a little bit cobbled together. Talk about hacking up a lung.",
	"163.5": "How likely would you be to drink a beverage, if it was handed to you like this?\n*puts a giant pink straw into a pint*\nSorry, I just always wanted to take a straw poll.",
	"164": "I counted and tabulated each and every pub and saloon in the local area. But I have to say, I'm not really impressed with this bar chart.",
	"165": "If you balanced a sixteen-wheeler upright on it's end, I guess it would some sort of semi-stable equlibrium.",
	"167": "Sometimes my robot vacuum cleaner will get caught on a ledge between rooms and sort of rock back and forth until it can free itself. It's a kind of vacuum metastability event.",
	"168": "A pirate impression that's so bad it's good? Hold on, I got this: [*pirate noises*]",
	"170": "I had this idea that all of Isaac Asimovs books contain the same lesson. That knowledge is a virtue for it's own sake. I call it my 'Moral Foundation Theory.'",
	"172": "I've been studying a lot of poetry recently. I just really want to become well-versed in it, you know?",
	"173": "Other people might take forever to heat up their bagels, or burn it to a charred mess. But not me. I'm a real toastmaster.",
	"174": "I'm sorry if I'm posting a day late\nMy car got towed because my meter expired\n*finger counting*\nDamnit!",
	"175": "I've been working non-stop to get this episode together in time. It's a real... java script.",
	"176": "You know, I wasn't sure about this book about how civilization arose due to alcohol. But I'm really glad I gave it a shot.",
	"177": "My friend Phillip just doesn't get enough calcium in his diet. I'm starting to worry about his bones to be honest. I bought him some supplements just to get Phil ossified.",
	"178": "Some of my nerd friends asked my what my favorite mathematical operation is. And I keep on coming back to powers. Times after times after times."
}