TheWebTech/dadjokes.csv

	setup	punchline
	When is New Year's Adam?	The night before New Year's Eve.
	I attended a seminar last week about suppositories.	It wasn’t the most exciting seminar I’d ever attended, but it was right up there.
	When I teach in-person, students often laugh at my jokes. When I teach the same students online they don't laugh at all, so I asked them why.	They replied "Because your jokes aren't remotely funny."
	New year's resolutions - 2014: didn't jog, 2015: didn't jog, 2016: didn't jog, 2017: didn't jog, 2018: didn't jog, 2019: didn't jog, 2020: still didn't jog	I guess you could say this has been a running joke.
	A man entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.	Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.
	Puns about the body are generally corny...	but puns about the eyes are even cornea.
	Lance is an uncommon name these days.	But back in medieval times, people were called Lance a lot.
	My son was eating lunch with a plastic fork and one of the tines broke off.	I said, “Well, now it’s a threek.”
	My wife left me this morning because I'm insecure.	Oh, no, wait, she's back. She just went for groceries.
	What does the Buffalo tell his son in the morning?	Bison.
	I got into a heated argument with a snowman this morning.	He lost his cool and had a total meltdown.
	What do you call a donkey with ear muffs?	Anything you want. He can't hear you.
	I changed all my passwords to Kenny.	Now I have all Kenny Loggins.
	What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?	Banana-naaa. Banana-naaa.
	What dessert has antlers?	Chocolate moose.
	Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii?	Or just a low ha?
	How did they know Dracula had COVID?	Because of his coffin.
	I went shopping for cherries and a microphone...	Bought a bing. Bought a boom.
	I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one.	So I bought a cake.
	You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.	Unless of course, you play bass.
	My girlfriend broke up with me when she found out I only have 9 toes.	She was lack toes intolerant.
	My friends get mad when I steal their kitchen utensils...	but it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
	Regular back: will hurt eventually. Boring, stupid bones.	Backstreet's back: alright
	The problem with kleptomaniacs is...	they always take things literally.
	If you don't know what cloning is...	that makes two of us.
	I'm very afraid of negative numbers.	I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
	If you ever get locked out of your house, just talk to the lock calmly.	Communication is key.
	Which cheese should you avoid?	Nacho cheese.
	I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn.	He just didn't cut it.
	A pirate said to his crew,"I am desperate, can someone tell me how to write the number two in Roman numerals?"	Another pirate answered: "I I Captain"
	Why don't monsters eat ghosts?	Because they taste like sheet.
	I lit some fragrances in order to make my room smell nice. I think I overdid it, though. My neighbors banged on my door complaining that it stunk up the whole building.	They're incensed.
	Apparently, there's a medicine you can purchase that cures skepticism.	But I'm not buying it.
	I created a diet in which I wear winter gloves to make it harder to eat.	I call it inter mitten fasting.
	I heard there is a snow storm hitting Wall Street.	What a terrible time for shorts.
	I'm so bored that I just memorized six pages of the dictionary.	I learned next to nothing.
	I'm just off the phone with the school.Tthey told me "Your son has been telling lies in class."	I said he must be great at it because I don't have any kids.
	Somebody just threw a bunch of omega 3 pills at me...	but luckily I only suffered super fish oil injuries.
	You can't plant flowers...	if you haven't botany.
	Never date a tennis player.	Love means nothing to them
	I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m.	I'm not really a mourning person.
	You know why aliens haven't visited our solar system yet?	They tooked at the reviews... only 1 star.
	To the person who stole my Microsoft Office License...	I'm gonna find you. You have my Word.
	If you spell the words "Absolutely nothing" backwards, you end up with "Gnihton Yletulosba".	Ironically, that means absolutely nothing.
	The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and says...	“Can you make me one with everything?”
	I've opened a can of worms.	They just sit there, the worms. This is hardly the chaos that was advertised.
	The swordfish has no natural predators to fear...	except of course for the penfish, which is thought to be mightier.
	Whats the fastest liquid on the planet?	Milk. Its pasteurized before you even see it
	The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him “Pasteurized?”	He said, “No, just up to your neck.”
	My wife told me I have no sense of direction.	I have no idea where that came from.
	You know what I can't stand?	Sitting down.
	I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say "vest day ever" like a million times.	Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn't as invested as they were.
	What do you call an alligator with a vest?	An investigator.
	I bought my friend an elephant for his room.	He said,"thanks". I replied "don't mention it".
	I recently published a book about poltergeists.	It’s flying off the shelves.
	Once I asked a hotel receptionist for an early morning wake-up call.	She called me at 6 am and asked: "What are you doing with your life?"
	I've been spending too much time reading this book about a haunted house.	It was seance-fiction.
	I thought about going biking this weekend...	but I didn't want to get too tired.
	Two antennas got married.	The ceremony was ok, but the reception was excellent.
	Last night I was visited by the ghost of Gloria Gaynor...	At first I was afraid; I was petrified.
	Why do you never see an elephant hiding on top of a tree?	Because they are good at it.
	Quick Star Wars reference check: Chewie is short for Chewbacca. Ben is short for Obi-Wan Kenobi	Luke Skywalker is short for a stormtrooper.
	I’m thinking of starting a business to recycle discarded chewing gum.	I just need some help getting it off the ground.
	I used to say, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”	But then someone threw a dictionary at me.
	Someone just threw mayonnaise at me.	What the Hellman?
	"Ehh, good enough"	- said Mediocrates.
	I just got a new job as a guillotine operator.	Beheading there shortly.
	This is my step ladder.	I never knew my real ladder.
	Why can't the skeleton play music in church?	Because they don't have any organs.
	You don't see many books of philosophy puns for sale.	I suppose it’s a bit of a Nietzsche market.
	Did you hear about the bakery that burned down last night?	Well, the business is toast.
	What do you call it when Batman skips church?	Christian Bale.
	Dr. Frankenstein once entered a bodybuilding competition.	It soon became clear that he misunderstood the objective.
	When I was growing up I wanted to be a monk...	but I never got the chants.
	I don't mean to brag, but…	cashiers are always checking me out.
	When I was growing up, my dad told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.	She unfortunately never told me that identify theft is a serious crime.
	Do you want to hear a joke about construction?	I'm still working on it.
	Job interviewer: "So what would you say is your biggest weakness?" Me: "Honesty" Interviewer: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."	Me: "I don't care what you think."
	What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?	The flavor.
	Why aren't marsupials considered bears?	They don't have the right koala-fications.
	I accidentally melted cheese on my laptop.	IT didn't care for my Mac and Cheese.
	I hate spelling errors.	You just mix up two letters and your entire statement is urined.
	They have boring machine races, but I don't think many people know about it.	It's pretty underground.
	Did you hear about the fabric enthusiast who taught himself CSS?	He was really into text styles.
	If you take care of chickens...	doesn't that make you a chicken tender?
	What do you call the study of pirates?	Arrrcheology.
	"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"	"No sun"
	My friend writes songs about sewing machines.	He's a Singer songwriter. Or sew it seems.
	A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00. It is $2.50 in the Bahamas.	Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
	Why is Peter Pan always flying?	He lives in Neverland. This one's a good joke because it never grows old and it's got a great Hook.
	What do you call a telescope that keeps bumping into everything?	A kaleidoscope.
	Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?	Because if they flew over the bay, we’d call them bagels.
	Have you heard about that new plant-based meat startup?	They just raised a seed round.
	Where did the toy store keep the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures?	Aisle B, back.
	A bunch of action hero movie stars decided to make a movie about classical music composers. Sylvester Stallone said, “I'll be Beethoven.” Bruce Willis said, “I'll be Mozart.”	Arnold Schwarzenegger said, “I'll be Bach.”
	How do you find Will Smith in the snow?	You look for the Fresh Prints.
	My wife asked if our kids were spoiled.	I said "No, I think most kids just smell that way."
	What do you call a factory that makes OK products?	A satisfactory.
	What’s the least satisfying yellow-brown color?	Mediochre.
	I saw a microbiologist today.	They were much bigger than I expected.
	I was raised as an only child.	It annoyed my younger brother.
	I once gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus.	That's how I lost my bus driver job.
	The adjective for metal is metallic...	but that's not so for iron, which is ironic.
	What’s the worst part about being a giraffe?	You have a lot of time to think about your mistakes as you're sinking into quicksand.
	What is the best way to potty train your toddler?	Pee-er pressure
	My neighbor said she couldn't afford her water bill.	I sent her a get well soon card.
	Aladdin has been banned from the magic carpet race.	Apparently he's been using performance enhancing rugs.
	Did you hear about the detective chasing down the person who threw a bag at someone?	It was a brief case.
	I've got a lot of jokes about retired people...	but none of them work.
	I invented a new word.	Plagiarism
	I dig. You dig. He digs. She digs. We dig. You dig. They dig.	I know it's not a poem, but it is deep.
	A burglar stole all my lamps.	I'm angry, but also delighted.
	What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?	Dam.
	How does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend?	Meet Patty.
	Me: I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework. Computer Science Professor: Your dog ate your coding assignment?	It took him a couple bytes.
	What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?	Attire.
	I used to work at a cat shelter, but I had to quit.	They reduced meowers.
	Last year I wrote a book on penguins.	In hindsight, it would have been easier on paper.
	Me: "Do you have any books on turtles?" Librarian: "Hard back?"	Me: "Yeah, with little heads."
	The self-deprecation society is taking applications for new members.	I've already put myself down
	In addition to Washington D.C. becoming a state, Puerto Rico and Guam should become states as well. That would bring the state count to 53, a prime number.	It would make the United States truly indivisible.
	Did you know that "t-shirt” is actually short for “Tyrannosaurus Shirt”?	It’s because of the short arms.
	I used to tell a lot of spine jokes...	but they just held me back.
	My friend just told me he stood for 48 hours straight.	Incredible feet if you ask me.
	What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?	Short.
	What did one plate say to the other plate?	Dinner is on me.
	I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.	Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
	How does NASA organize a party?	They planet.
	Did you hear about that new restaurant called Karma?	There's no menu. You get what you deserve.
	What type of music should you play for your fish?	One with a great hook.
	Date: What do you do for a living? Me: I make trojan horses. Date: That’s not what i’d expect.	Me: yah that’s the idea.
	The CEO of IKEA has just been elected prime minister of Sweden.	His first act will be to assemble his cabinet.
	Karl Marx is a historically famous figure but nobody ever mentions his sister, Onya.	She invented the starting pistol.
	My friend Tony asked me not to say his name backwards.	I said "y not"?
	I just invented a thought-controlled air freshener.	I know it sounds crazy, but it makes scents when you think about it.
	I just invented a thought-controlled money printer.	I know it sounds crazy, but it makes cents when you think about it.
	I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $2, volume stuck on full".	I thought "I can't turn that down".
	When you walk to the wall, but there’s no wall at all...	That’s a doorway.
	I ordered 2,000 pounds of soup today.	It was won ton.
	There's only one thing worse than leaving someone in suspense...
	My sister bet me $100 I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.	You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.
	Did you know Mortal Kombat was actually based on an old Scandinavian worship song?	It was a Finnish Hymn.
	Why aren't dogs good dancers?	They have two left feet.
	I don't buy anything with velcro.	It's a total rip off.
	Me: Is this gluten free?	Waiter: No, it costs money.
	I went to the library yesterday and asked "Do you have any books on shelving?"	The librarian said "Yes, all of them."
	I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia.	She leaned over and whispered,"They're right behind you..."
	I asked my German friend if they knew the square root of 81.	They said no.
	How do you know a dad jokes is a dad joke?	Because it's apparent.
	I arrived late to my first Fight Club last night so I missed some of the intro rules.	Still though, Fight Club was brilliant and I'd highly recommend Fight Club to everyone.