gistfile1.php

<?php
class Model{
  private static $hookInstalls = array();
  public function addHook($hookName, $id, Closure $closure){
    // Code to add closure to static::$hookInstalls
  }
  public $id;
  // Updates when record is updated
  public function update(){
    if(($r = static::runHooks('beforeUpdate', $this)) !== null){
      return $r;
    }
  }
  // Run this function to execute any installed hooks pertaining to method/function
  public static function runHooks($hookName, $obj){
    if(!empty(static::$hookInstalls[$obj->id])){
      foreach(static::$hookInstalls[$obj->id] as $closure){
        //THIS IS WHERE THE NEW FUNCTION WOULD BE NICE
        // but here's what has to happen right now
        $newClosure = Closure::bind($closure, $obj, $obj);
        if(($r = call_user_func_array($newClosure/*, $args*/)) !== null){
          return $r;
        }
        // new function would look like this:
        if(($r = $closure->call($obj/*, $args*/)) !== null){
          return $r;
        }
      }
    }
    return null;
  }