getJew.R

library(dplyr)
library(tidyr)
library(purrr)
library(stringr)
library(rvest)
library(tictoc)

getJew <- function(x) {
    paste0('http://www.jewornotjew.com/profile.jsp?ID=', x) %>%
        read_html %>%
        html_nodes("#profileName, #rating, #rat1, #rat2, #rat3, #verdict, i, #seeAlsoName0, #seeAlsoName1, #seeAlsoName2, #seeAlsoName3, #seeAlsoName4") %>%
        html_text %>%
        str_squish %>%
        sub(" \\p{Pd}", "|", ., perl = TRUE) %>%
        sub("\\s*\\([^\\)]+\\)", "", .) %>%
        str_squish %>%
        paste(collapse = '| ')
}

'http://www.jewornotjew.com/' %>%
    read_html %>%
    html_nodes('a') %>%
    html_attr('href') %>%
    .[grepl("profile", .)] %>%
    sub(".*[=]", "", .) %>%
    as.numeric %>%
    max -> max_id

tic()
map_chr(1:max_id, getJew) -> tmp
toc()

tmp %>%
as.data.frame %>%
    setNames('jew') %>%
    separate(
        jew,
        sep = '[|] ',
        into = c(
            'name',
            'rating',
            'i_score',
            'o_score',
            'k_score',
            'birth_date',
            'death_date',
            'verdict',
            'profile_date',
            'see_also1',
            'see_also2',
            'see_also3',
            'see_also4',
            'see_also5'
        )
    ) %>%
    mutate_at(vars(contains('score'), rating),
              ~ as.numeric(.)) %>%
    mutate(verdict = ifelse(verdict == 'Jeψ', 'Jew', verdict)) %>%
    unite('see_also', contains('see_also'), sep = '| ', remove = TRUE) -> jew

jew_or_not_jew.csv

"id","name","rating","i_score","o_score","k_score","profile_body","verdict","see_also"
1,"Vladimir Lenin",6,2,2,2,"They tried to hide it... Oh, did they ever. Marx was obvious; but he was from Germany, so what if he was a Jew! Lenin, he was all theirs; Lenin was Russian. But a Jew? Never! Never! Yet another fable created by the Soviet party machine. Here's what we know: Lenin's great-grandfather was a Jew. Therefore, his maternal grandfather, Israel Blank, was a Jew| a Jew who got baptized in his teens and was renamed Alexander. So there was Jewish blood in Lenin, at least a quarter; and that quarter was large enough for his successors to adamantly try to conceal it. However, if you look at the list of Old Bolsheviks pseudonyms aside, it reads like the guest list for a bar mitzvah: Rosenfeld, Bronstein, Kaganovich. So Lenin was actually a minority! There is even evidence that he was definitely more proud of his Jewish roots than future generations of communists would ever let on. So much for trying to hide it.","Barely a Jew","Friedrich Engels| Fanny Kaplan| Karl Marx| Joseph Stalin| Leon Trotsky"
2,"Charlie Chaplin",10,1,4,5,"A short, curly haired European immigrant with overtly Semitic looks. An entertainer, performer and filmmaker of the highest quality. A virulent anti-Nazi who poked fun of Hitler and even played a Jew in one of his films. Charlie Chaplin certainly has all the credentials. There's just one problem. He's not Jewish. Guess it's too much to ask that a Chaplin abandon the church. It's too bad, because by all accounts he's someone we'd be proud to have. In fact, he may have the highest Jew Score for a non-Jew ever. An underappreciated category, granted, but still. He's out-Jewing some pretty serious Jews out there, and he's not even allowed on the bema. Chaplin empathized with Jews, was quite the Semitophile, and his half-brother might have been Jewish. But in the end, he's just a glazed ham in brisket's clothing.","Sadly, Not a Jew","Broncho Billy Anderson| Douglas Fairbanks| Paulette Goddard| The Little Tramp| Marx Brothers"
3,"Mel Brooks",15,5,5,5,"In the beginning, on the first day, there was nothing. And then we said, ""let there be a website about Jews."" And it was good. On the second day, we created profiles and put little pictures of rabbis next to numbers and ate a really big pastrami sandwich. On the third day we took a nap. But on the fourth day, we realized we had a problem. See, we had all these neat-o ratings, but it was hard to figure out what they meant without a guiding star| someone to really define what it meant to be a Jew. But who would it be? Well, for the disturbingly unintuitive, we present Mel Brooks. It's hard to put together a better resume than Brooks has: Had he only stayed as a TV writer on ""Your Show of Shows"" but not created his movies. Daiyenu. Had he created his movies, but not performed in them. Daiyenu. Had he performed in his movies, but not been a great speaker for the Jewish people. Daiyenu. Had he been a great speaker... Well, anyway, you get the point. So there he is, the top of the Jew or Not Jew food chain and oh, man, has Mel Brooks earned it. Everyone else, this is the Jewish star you're shooting for.","Jew","Anne Bancroft| Max Bialystock| Max Brooks| Carl Reiner| Gene Wilder"
4,"Madonna",7,1,3,3,"Oy Gevalt! The meshuggenah shiksa singing in front of the burning cross, writing books about her k'nish and naming her baby Lourdes is a Jew?! Wellllllll, sort of. After all, her real last name, Ciccone, doesn't exactly suggest a carefully concealed childhood Bat Mitzvah. But Madonna is a Kabbalist| a sect of Judaism that studies the Kabbalah, the book of Jewish mysticism that tells you how to create life, make a golem, and bake a really good noodle kugel (hopefully without the apples, blech!) Well, it doesn't take magical rabbinical powers to sense a little snarkiness on our end. Suffice it to say, the phrase ""Jewish Dianetics"" comes to mind. Though, to be fair Madonna seems quite serious about it (but then again, so is that putz Travolta about his own made-up Hollywood religion), sees rabbis, visits Israel and even writes songs about her newfound faith. Does that make her a Jew? That's probably for her to determine and, tellingly, she seems to carefully avoid describing herself that way. Kind of like saying you sleep with men, but you're not gay cause you're worried about the stigma that comes with the classification. Whoops! More snark. Gotta work on that. We'll just have to let the ratings speak for themselves at this point, lest we lose our precious objectivity.","Not a Jew","Sandra Bernhard| Sean Penn| Guy Ritchie| Alex Rodriguez| Virgin Mary"
5,"Ostap Bender",13,4,4,5,"Little-known on this side of the Atlantic, Ostap Bender is the quintessential Soviet character, the anti-hero in one of the most beloved Russian novels of all time, Ilf and Petrov's ""The Twelve Chairs"" (where he was killed), and its sequel, the equally loved ""The Little Golden Calf"" (where he was resurrected). The self-anointed great combinator; con man, polygamist, artist, thief, chess master, a man without a profession; his sayings, as penned by Ilia Ilf (Jew) and Evgeni Petrov in the 1920s and 30s, are recited to this day. So was the self-named Ostap-Suleyman-Berta-Maria-Bender-Bey, self-described son of a Turkish subject, a Jew? The simple answer is yes. It is designation as the son of a Turkish subject that reveals Bender's ethnicity; the hint is not obvious and makes Bender anything but Turkish. Before the Revolution, southern Russian merchants, mostly from Odessa, mostly (if not entirely) Jews, would take on Turkish citizenship so that their children would avoid discriminatory laws and evade military service. So Bender is ours, ladies and gentlemen of the jury! As much as ethnic Russians want him for themselves, they will have to settle for his sidekick, the incompetent Kisa Vorobianinov... document.getElementById(""ratPic3"").addEventListener(""click"", function() { flip(); }, false); function flip() { setImage('panikovsky'); setTitle('Panikovsky'); setRatings(5, 2, 3); }","Jew","Mel Brooks| Hottabych| Ilya Ilf| Andrei Mironov| The Wandering Jew"
6,"Christopher Columbus",5,1,1,3,"Back in Hebrew school, famous people who might or might not be Jewish was a popular discussion. One of the big time maybe-Jews that came up was good ol' Christopher Columbus, the explorer/doofus who sailed the ocean blue in 1492 and somehow confused a bunch of Arawaks with the people of India, a case of mistaken identity on the level of confusing Paris Hilton with Paris, France. What made us think he might be a Jew? He left Spain at a REALLY good time for a Jew to be leaving Spain. Back when the Inquisition was more than just a hit musical, you could A:convert or B:die. If you wanted C:none of the above, you had to flee. Quick. Perhaps on a ship of some sort to a far far away place... But before you could get on this mystical magical ship, you needed to hide from the authorities. Except no one's buying that you're Jesus' biggest fan if your name is Mordecai. So, you would choose a fake Christian name. And lets be clear, it doesn't get any Christianer than Christopher. OK, so it isn't exactly an open and shut case. But more importantly, unlike 15 years ago when we first brought this up, even if he is Jewish, do we really want him? The days of Columbus being seen as heroic are, at best, slipping away, and more and more we have a picture of a chauvinist European dope who didn't so much discover America as luck into a pristine continent and then trample some of the natives, leading the way for a whole generation of European, native trampling dopes. So, maybe Chris was Jewish. Probably not. But even if he were, we're just not that excited about having him anymore. Now Ponce de Leon on the other hand...","Not a Jew","Miguel de Cervantes| Ferdinand Magellan| Tomas de Torquemada| Luis de Torres| Abraham Zacuto"
7,"Sigmund Freud",13,4,4,5,"Cocaine addict. Sexual deviant. Killed himself. Ladies and Gentleman, your father of modern psychology! When you look at it that way, you have to wonder why he has such a high rating. Well, Freud was a Jew by birth and you don't exactly need a smart-ass website to tell you that's the case, so that covers the first two scores. As for the kvell, well, Freud's rep seems to go up and down by the week. Sometimes he's a mensch. Other times a schlemiel. We scored him on one of his good weeks, apparently. Anyway, anyone this important is bound to be polarizing. Freud getting dinged for his idiosyncrasies, misogyny, and drug habits just puts him in the same club as anyone else that's ever been considered important. What can't be argued is his effect on the modern world, which is so large it's probably unquantifiable. Psychotherapy, the unconscious, repressed memories, the importance of dreams? Freud, Freud, Freud, Freud. So, yeah, we're happy to have the little perv, if anything just to give everyone else a little circumcised penis envy.","Jew","Robert Barany| Edward Bernays| Hermann Rorschach| Ruth Westheimer| NA"
8,"Geraldo Rivera",7,3,2,2,"Just when you thought you could escape the mustache, it comes back to haunt you. There you are, turning on the TV, flipping the channels| and there it is, time after time, on different shows, in different studios, moving up and down as the lips under it spill out the inane arrogant drivel. It's hard to understand why the mustache, or more specifically, the man attached to it, Geraldo Rivera, is given chance after chance after failing in endeavor after endeavor. From the empty Al Capone vault, to creation of Trash TV, to revealing US troops positions in Iraq, to his mystifying current status as a pundit on news shows, Geraldo's name — and his fateful mustache — has become synonymous with incompetence in the news media. As for his Jewish roots, it looks like he is trying to re-embrace them, after marrying his fifth wife, a Jew. But we are not buying it. Call it too little, too late. Jewish rebirth or not, we can't close our eyes to the previous 50 years of his life, when he embraced his Hispanic side and hid his Jewish side from the public view. So we want no part of Geraldo. Which includes not wanting any part of his mustache. Seriously, it's one scary mustache.","Sadly, a Jew","Larry King| Harvey Levin| Maury Povich| Sally Jessy Raphael| Jerry Springer"
9,"Jon Stewart",14,5,4,5,"We're not breaking any ground by pointing out Jon Stewart is Jewish. We just wanted an excuse to write about him. Because let's be clear, if we jumped into the way-back machine and told you ten years ago that Stewart would be one of the most important voices in the news world, that the Daily Show would win an award for journalism, that Comedy Central was now considered a legitimate source for quality programming, you'd say, ""No way I believe that about Comedy Central!"" But after you got past that you'd probably also be surprised by Stewart. After all, Jon looked set for the Richard Jeni career path until Craig Kilborn jumped off the Daily Show in a desperate attempt to kill his own career. Now Stewart's probably the best known former stand-up since Jerry Seinfeld. With the possibility of finishing with an even more impressive resume. And that's what really gets our goat. It's entirely possible that this is merely the beginning and there are even greater things to come from Jon Stewart. He's funny, influential, apparently a real mensch, and even if he quit tomorrow he'd have made a huge mark on entertainment and the world it entertains. What more is there to say, really?","Jew","Lewis Black| Steve Carell| Stephen Colbert| Cindy Crawford| Trevor Noah"
10,"Al Gore",4,0,1,3,"Let's make this one short and sweet. Al Gore is not Jewish. He doesn't look Jewish, act Jewish, or have any Jewish blood anywhere in his family tree. Frankly, if not for a few ill-timed drunken anti-Semitic comments, Gore could have been the picture next to 0 instead of a certain fresh-faced Australian thespian. So why even discuss it? Apparently, a rumor is floating around the European populace that former Vice President Gore is Jewish. We have no idea how this happened. Were they confused by his Jewish running mate, Senator Joe Lieberman? Perhaps they're thinking of John Kerry, whose grandparents were Jewish and who has a Jewish brother. Who knows? So, for the final time. Al Gore = not Jewish. Sheesh, you'd think Tipper would've been the first hint that maybe he wasn't?","Not a Jew","Bill Clinton| Barry Goldwater| Alan Greenspan| John Kerry| Joe Lieberman"
11,"Albert Einstein",15,5,5,5,"You can have Leonardo da Vinci. We won't argue about Isaac Newton. Thomas Edison can take a hike. Archimedes, Pythagoras, Aristotle, Plato, and Socrates are all too ancient to be considered. Copernicus? Galileo? Descartes? No thanks. We have Albert Einstein... the smartest man who ever lived. The word ""genius"" gets thrown around so much today. That football coach is a genius! That movie director is a genius! Anyone who has an IQ over some number is a genius! The word's meaning is ever so diluted. But we're not here to argue about semantics, we're here to argue if someone is Jewish or not. Albert Einstein: Genius. Jew. But why such a high score for someone who was non-observant? All the proof you need is in Einstein's own quote, ""A Jew who sheds his faith along the way, or who even picks up a different one, is still a Jew."" Besides, anyone whose work was attempted to be discredited by the Nazis as ""Jewish physics"", anyone who was offered the presidency of Israel without being its citizen, anyone who has become a prototype for that overused word ""genius"", is clearly deserving of the perfect score. Albert Einstein: Smartest Man Ever. Jew.","Jew","Niels Bohr| Leonardo da Vinci| Marcel Grossmann| Hermann Minkowski| Karl Schwarzschild"
12,"Jeff Agoos",11,5,3,3,"Jeff Agoos is not a handsome man. A perennial top pick on UglyFootballers.com, he could pass for a modern-day mulleted Golem. But Jeff Agoos is a Jew, a Jew who played in Maccabiah Games long before he graced the field at the World Cup. Of course, ""graced"" is probably not the best word to use with Agoos, for he was anything but graceful. In fact, he could be the personification of the Jewish athlete stereotype: not fast (in fact, terribly slow), not tall (a mere 5'10"", very short for a central defender, but then again taller than most ""regular"" Jews), not very skillful. But for all those negatives, he was smart (what he was lacking in skill he made up in his ability to dissect the game), he was a leader (captaining both his club and sometimes the national team), and he was a winner (taking home more domestic championships than any other American player). So, yeah, Jeff's living the stereotype. Minus the mullet and you could almost bring him home to mamaleh| ""He's such a mensch, but that punim? Feh.""","Jew","Kyle Beckerman| Steve Birnbaum| Jonathan Bornstein| Shep Messing| Dave Sarachan"
13,"Hank Greenberg",14,5,4,5,"""You're just like everyone else,"" a teammate once said, surprised that Greenberg didn't have horns or any other physical marks of Judaism. Except he wasn't like everyone else. Hammerin' Hank was a mammoth home run hitter, an absolute lock Hall of Famer whose career numbers put him in a class with better known superstars like Ruth, DiMaggio and McGwire. He was also a very good Jew. Raised Orthodox, Greenberg discussed it with his rabbi before he agreed to play on the High Holy Days. So why isn't he more well known? From a baseball standpoint, his best years were obscured by Ruth, Gehrig and, to a lesser extent Jimmy Foxx. Then he lost three years to the second World War. He came back to baseball still quite good, but was overshadowed by a whole new generation including DiMaggio and Ted Williams. As a Jew, our generation knows Koufax| Greenberg was already retired when our parents were looking for a role model. But semi-obscurity doesn't make him any less a baseball great. Just semi-obscure. And certainly nothing like anyone else.","Jew","Lou Boudreau| Ryan Braun| Lou Gehrig| Sandy Koufax| Al Rosen"
14,"Yuri Andropov",4,1,2,1,"Mikhail Gorbachev? Not a Jew; although the amount of scapegoating he's taken from Russians over the years, we can make him an honorary member. Leonid Brezhnev? Definitely not a Jew. But the man between them (and we will conveniently forget the useless Konstantin Chernenko, the William Henry Harrison of Soviet leaders), Yuri Andropov... is it possible? This is where it gets murky. Andropov, who spent 15 years as the head of the KGB, kept falsifying his biography. In fact, Yuri might not even be his real name; it is potentially Grigory. The last name is opaque as well; Andropov was the name of his first stepfather. Who was his real father? Who the hell knows. But it's his mother that draws the most of the attention, as she was the adopted daughter of Karl Fleckenstein, a Finnish jeweler who had a store in Moscow. (This apparently led to Andorpov's KGB handle, ""Jeweler"".) And that Fleckestein was apparently Jewish... which, off course, doesn't make Yuri Jewish himself. So, no on Andropov. Unless there are even deeper secrets in that falsified biography?","Not a Jew","Lavrentiy Beria| Mikhail Gorbachev| Vladimir Lenin| Yevgeny Primakov| Vladimir Putin"
15,"Steve Guttenberg",12,4,5,3,"If aliens came down on Earth on December 31, 1989, and asked who the biggest comedy star on this planet is, one would be hard pressed to select someone other than Steve Guttenberg. ""Diner"". ""Police Academy"". ""Three Men and a Baby"". ""Police Academy 2"". ""Short Circuit"". ""Police Academy 4"". These movies, for better or worse, defined the American comedy film of the 1980s, and all were headlined by Steve Guttenberg. All hail Guttenberg! Alas, as the 80s departed us, so did Guttenberg's success. And now he is supposed to be involved in some cable TV project where he is going to play... a Jewish alien. Shrug. Seriously, Steve. If you are doing that to raise your Jew Score on this website, that's not helping. We expect better from you. Oh, whom do we kid! We should expect nothing. Underneath that tidy Jewfro and that smirk is not an ounce of talent. Oh well. At least he was smart enough to stay out of ""Police Academy 5"".","Jew","Ted Danson| Johannes Gutenberg| Paul Reiser| Tom Selleck| Fisher Stevens"
16,"The Thing",10,4,2,4,"It's chlobberin' time? That's right, the ever-loving blue-eyed Thing is a Jew. He, davens for a fallen comrade, wears a yarmulke, and regrets he doesn't remember the words to the Mourner's Kaddish. His creator, Stan ""The Man"" Lee, even confirmed it in an interview few years back. But is he really someone we want as a member of the tribe? After all, we finally get a Jew in the four-colors and he's a rock faced monster so repulsive the only woman who'll date him is blind (and a shiksa, no less)? He's really just a big lug. Certainly, no self respecting Jewish mother could brag that her son runs around like a vildechaya in tight blue shorts. Even his role in Marvel's Civil War plot line as a conscientious objector makes him seem like more of a coward than a compatriot. But, in the end, it could be worse. After all, he's not the most embarrassing Jewish superhero (Hello, Ragman!). He's openly Jewish (as opposed to secret Jews, like Superman, a different subject entirely). But, perhaps most importantly, he's probably one of the only two or three superheroes left out there that could be described as a legitimately good guy. Over 40 years in the funny books and Ben is still well-liked both by his fictional peers and his legions of readers. And that's really the point. He may be a monster, but he's a popular, fairly well-known monster. Especially when compared to every other Jewish comic book hero out there, most of whom even avid readers would be pressed to name (Hello, Ragman!). So, yeah, until Supes comes to grips with his Semitic roots, we're more than happy to have the Thing. Now if only he could convince that nice Alicia to convert...","Jew","Golem| Jack Kirby| Stan Lee| Peter Parker| Kitty Pryde"
17,"Karl Marx",11,4,3,4,"Jews have beards. Not mustaches, beards. And not those dinky goatees or van dykes. Definitely not soul patches. Real, manly, bushy beards, beards in which you can hide coins, buttons, or insects. Perhaps even small rodents, a mouse or a hamster. And although the Reflexive Property of Jewish Beards does not hold (counterexample: ZZ Top), a single look at Karl Marx and his glorious facial hair leaves little doubt to what ethnic group the man belonged to. And one would be correct in that assessment of Jewdom, for Marx's father, Herschel Mordechai, came from a long line of rabbis. He was not allowed to practice law as a Jew, converted, and became Heinrich. And of course, Marx's ideas that stirred up much of the world even (and especially) after his death, found a large percentage of their followers among Jews. So much so that Marxism is considered by some to be a Jewish conspiracy (but that theory makes even less sense than hiding hamsters in one's beard). It just makes one wonder what turn history would have taken if Herschel followed family traditions and became a rabbi instead of a lawyer. Who knows, Karl could have followed suit. He definitely had the beard for it.","Borderline Jew","Fidel Castro| Friedrich Engels| Vladimir Lenin| Rosa Luxemburg| Joaquin Phoenix"
18,"Bobby Fischer",5,4,1,0,"By the traditional definition of Judaism, everyone who has a Jewish mother is automatically Jewish. Which is all fine and well. But should the traditional definition apply in the case of Bobby Fischer? Once a brilliant chess champion, a transcendent genius, he descended into lunacy, claiming the Holocaust never happened, vindicating September 11 attacks, and denouncing his Jewish roots, even writing to the Encyclopedia Judaica asking for his name to be taken out. So what are we to do with this nut job? He clearly stated that he does not consider himself Jewish, so who are we to argue? Yet there she lingers, his Jewish mother... Well, we obviously can't go ""Not a Jew"" here, so there you have it, our first ""Barely a Jew"" verdict. Why would we ever argue with a lunatic?","Barely a Jew","Mikhail Botvinnik| Noam Chomsky| Boris Spassky| Wilhelm Steinitz| Csanad Szegedi"
19,"George Costanza",11,3,4,4,"Co... stanza. To say that you can count on one hand the number of good sitcoms of the last 15 years is an understatement; one finger is more than enough. But we will not sing the praises of ""Seinfeld"", a sitcom created by Jews and starring Jews, we will sing the praises of its most likable and, at the same time, hateable character. Co... stanza. George Costanza's ethnicity wasn't exactly covert; his last name is Italian, his father an Italian Catholic. The mother, however, couldn't be anything but Jewish, according to the show's creators. And honestly, could George himself be anything but Jewish? Jason Alexander originally played his character as a take on Woody Allen. He later found out that co-creator Larry David wrote the character based on himself, so as the seasons went on, George became less Woody and more Larry... Trading one Jew for another. In fact, even with George's last name, one would be hard pressed to find a more stereotypical fictional Jew on television; neurotic, self-obsessed, besieged by his mother... And a big fan of pastrami sandwiches. Co... stanza.","Borderline Jew","Jason Alexander| Woody Allen| Estelle Costanza| Larry David| Jerry Seinfeld"
20,"Jesus Christ",6,5,1,0,"Can all the goyim please leave the room? Yes, that means you. Put down that ham sandwich and step away from the computer. We'll let you know when it's safe to return. Are they all gone? Good. So what can be said about Jesus Christ that hasn't been said before? And how can we say it without offending a large portion of the population? Let's see. Jesus Christ. The Original Goy. Hmmmm. It's pretty difficult. Maybe we should just write this profile straightforwardly, and do an analysis of Jesus' Jewish and non-Jewish aspects, his life and his death (Nothing after that death. Just checking if you're reading, goyim.), and the consequences of his existence on the Jewish people (not good, to say the least). Y'know, if he even existed in the first place. (Seriously, goyim. Why are you reading this?) But that's been done before. By smarter men than us. Time and time again. So what are we to do? Jesus Christ. The Original Goy. Seriously, what more needs to be said? It's safe to come back to your computer now. That ham sandwich is getting stale.","Sadly, a Jew","Judas Iscariot| Saint Joseph| Mary Magdalene| Saint Peter| Virgin Mary"
21,"Winona Ryder",11,3,4,4,"If this website was started fifteen years ago, we would have raved about Winona Ryder. If this website was started ten years ago, we would have been beaming with positivity. If this website was started five years ago, we would have been optimistic about her comeback. But this website was started just last week. Oh Winona! Why have you forsaken us? Are you really the same girl who triumphed over the three evil Heathers? Was that so long ago? We were all so young back then! Oh Winona... You were one of us, Winona, you hippie-raised Horowitz! A nice Jewish girl who slew the three-headed WASPy dragon! A beautiful Jewish girl who was so smart, so likable, so... We've grown up since then, Winona, and so have you. Some of us go on to make websites about Jews, others steal purses from Hollywood boutiques. To each his own... to each her own. But we still haven't lost hope, Winona. We'd welcome you back with open arms. But if that's not for you... we'll just have to settle for Natalie Portman.","Jew","Matt Damon| Janeane Garofalo| River Phoenix| Natalie Portman| Christian Slater"
22,"Woody Allen",13,5,5,3,"""Woody Allen, I think, proved that a genius with a hard-on is still just a guy with a hard-on.""| Bill Maher At this point, taking shots at Woody Allen is like making Monica Lewinsky jokes — far too easy and painfully outdated. Suffice it to say, if this site was ""Creepy or Not Creepy"", Woody Allen would probably be in the Mel Brooks slot. It doesn't help that many people see Allen as the prototypical Jew. In many ways, he's been selected to represent our people. And we're not sure we like the connotation. Ingenious? Sure. Funny? Great. Nervous? OK... Perverse? Um, no. So what to do about the Jewish Jerry Lee Lewis? We're not willing to throw out Annie Hall along with Soon-Yi. A genius with a hard-on is just a guy with a hard-on. But that doesn't mean he isn't also still a genius, right? Right?","Jew","Mel Brooks| Sid Caesar| Ronan Farrow| Scarlett Johansson| Z Marion-4195"
23,"Leon Trotsky",12,5,4,3,"Jewish mothers want their sons to become doctors. Or lawyers. Or perhaps professors. Jewish mothers don't want their sons to become revolutionaries. It's too late to ask Mrs. Bronstein how she felt about the career choice of her son Lev, but our guess is that she wouldn't have liked it. But then, Mrs. Bronstein wouldn't be alone as a Jewish mother with a revolutionary son in turn-of-the-century Russia. If anything, these mothers could have easily formed a club to lament the horrible lives and the horrible pseudonyms their offspring have chosen. And what Jewish mother would have expected her son to be the head of the biggest army in the world? And what Jewish mother would have wanted her son to become a national scapegoat? And what Jewish mother could have foreseen her son being stabbed to death by an icepick? Rest in peace, Mrs. Bronstein.","Jew","Emmanuel Goldstein| Frida Kahlo| Lev Kamenev| Vladimir Lenin| Joseph Stalin"
24,"Dwight Eisenhower",5,0,1,4,"Wait... Really? Seriously? Dwight David Eisenhower? You betcha. Half Jewish! This is what we live for. Finding that one, unbelievable, you'd never have thought it, Israelite. It really does come with a giddy little thrill. Eisenhower? Are you sure? Really? And... No. Not sure. Not really. Not a Jew. We fell for it ourselves for a while, but don't believe what you might read elsewhere; there is no evidence that Dwight's father was Jewish. If you look at the Eisenhower family tree, you will see not Jews, but Germans. Mennonites for generations. (We're not exactly sure who the Mennonites are, but they definitely don't go to a synagogue.) And here we thought we had one. Oh well. For now, we'll have to get our giddy little thrills from elsewhere.","Not a Jew","Thomas Jefferson| Lyndon Johnson| Abraham Lincoln| Franklin Roosevelt| Harry Truman"
25,"Ben Stiller",13,4,5,4,"We have nothing against Ben Stiller. Especially not the early Ben Stiller; we first saw him in the early 90s and said, ""Wow! He is actually pretty funny! Who the hell is he?"" And then, ""There's Something About Mary"" happened. It wasn't nearly as funny as everyone seemed to think, but Stiller suddenly became the ""it boy"" of American comedies. And then, ""Meet the Parents"" happened. Now, we're oversaturated with Stiller. Stiller is everywhere. Try to find an American comedy of the five past years in which Ben does not make at least a cameo. Oh sure, it's possible... it's just much harder than it seems. And while one can praise his early work, debate the merits of ""Mary"" and ""Parents"", or ignore another cliche romantic comedy with Ben as the male lead, we Jews could do much worse for a front man in Hollywood. (And yes, Stiller is 100% Jewish: his mother converted before Ben was born.) So sure, his face is a bit askew and he seems to mail it in half the time, but how many Jews hold leading man status in American cinema today? Or ever? Exactly. And he did bag that gorgeous shiksa Christine Taylor.","Jew","Robert De Niro| Cameron Diaz| Janeane Garofalo| Anne Meara| Jerry Stiller"
26,"Marilyn Monroe",10,2,3,5,"There is some debate on whether people who convert to Judaism are real Jews. Whenever we get asked that question, our answer is two words: Marilyn Monroe. Now, we get where the detractors are coming from. Our ancestors have suffered for centuries, and here all these Johnny-come-latelies who want in on the fun without the years of sacrifice. But how can we say no to Marilyn Monroe? Here is arguably the world's biggest sex symbol| ever — who signed up to be Jewish. By choice. (She converted when she married Arthur Miller. And stayed Jewish after the divorce. Maybe she really liked gefilte fish.) Why on earth would we deny someone like that? And sure, if we take Marilyn, we have to take the whole lot, the Tom Arnolds and the Elizabeth Taylors of this world. And that's fine. For Marilyn Monroe is one of us. One could do worse, that's for sure.","Jew","Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis| Monica Lewinsky| Arthur Miller| Elizabeth Taylor| Billy Wilder"
27,"Natalie Portman",14,5,4,5,"In 1994, we saw ""The Professional"", in which a 12-year-old Natalie Portman carried Jean Reno's potted plant through Manhattan's urban jungle. We were a few years older than Natalie. We... Well, how do we put it... We watched her through the years, through movies good and bad, we saw her grow up, and mature, and somehow go through the Star Wars prequels with her reputation unscathed, and blossom into one of the best young actresses out there, and... Well, how do we put it... And now that we're older, and childhood fantasies are just that, and time came to profile Natalie in the nascent stages of our website| for yes, she is Jewish, Israeli-born in fact, and... Well, how do we put it... It's impossible to say more without blushing, so we'll stop.","Jew","Shira Haas| Barbara Hershey| Scarlett Johansson| Gwyneth Paltrow| Winona Ryder"
28,"Larry King",13,5,5,3,"We don't understand the appeal of Larry King. Not his appeal as a man. That's not for us to debate. No, it's the appeal of Larry as a television personality that puzzles us; yet there he is, year after year, nine o'clock on CNN, crooked teeth and nasal voice be damned. But whether it is Ann Coulter or Anna Nicole Smith, David Blaine or David Berkowitz, Elizabeth Taylor, Elizabeth Hurley, or Elizabeth Dole, George Bush or George Carlin, they all find time to talk to Larry. He is television's grumpy old uncle, who you can't help but invite to seder every year. The uncle who sits at the end of the table complaining that the meat is too hard, forgetting everyone's name, rambling on about something from yesteryear. And what is the appeal of that? But then, what Jewish family doesn't have that grumpy old uncle? You are America's uncle, Larry King.","Jew","Wolf Blitzer| John King| Geraldo Rivera| Elizabeth Taylor| Mike Wallace"
29,"William Shatner",11,4,4,3,"In the future, we'll all live in peace and harmony and wear shiny, primary colored shirts. We'll have dashing allies, dastardly foes, high adventure on the inky, star-filled seas. And we'll have bright, bold, heroes cut from a comic-book cloth. And they'll be Jews. William Shatner himself vacillates from a minor embarrassment to full-on painful one depending on what he's doing. But he's Captain James T. Kirk! What more do you want? It doesn't matter how many Elton John songs you butcher, when you were Captain of the Enterprise you get an infinite free pass. Does that mean pretending that Shatner and Kirk are one and the same? Probably. But we're willing to make that sacrifice. He played one of the greatest American fictional icons since Superman, and he's one of ours. That's good enough for us. Oh yeah, and he'd kick Picard's ass.","Jew","David Duchovny| The Ferengi| Mark Lenard| Leonard Nimoy| Chris Pine"
30,"Joe Lieberman",12,5,5,2,"Say it ain't so Joe! The first prominent American Jewish politician since... well, ever and he's an unlikeable dope? Why?!?!?!?! This was it, y'know? He was on the ticket! I mean, come on, if someone told you there was a Jew on the ballot, you'd vote for him blindly right? Who cares about his platform, we're davening down Pennsylvania Ave! Except... ugh... Joe... you're killing us here! OK, so he didn't lie about his background, get a blowjob in the oval office or decide to make his own didactic personal beliefs into nation-wide policy like so many other ham-on-white politicians of late. But, boy it's hard to like him. And we really feel we ought to make ourselves like him. But we can't. Here's hoping he's just the harbinger of a new generation of first-line Jewish candidates and not our last, best hope. Because if this is all we've got, maybe we're better off letting the goyim stay in charge.","Jew","Al Gore| John Kerry| Abraham Ribicoff| Arlen Specter| Eliot Spitzer"
31,"Sacha Baron Cohen",14,5,4,5,"Jagshemash! Throw the Jew down the well So my country can be free You must grab him by his horns Then we have a big party Stop! The man who sings that song is not only a Jew, but a recipient of one of the highest scores on this website??? This makes no sense! Oh, but it does. And it's sad that the Anti-Defamation League has such an issue with Baron Cohen; they should really get their head out of their tuchus. What exactly is wrong when he, in his getup as Kazakhstan journalist Borat Sagdiyev, gets on stage at an Arizona bar and belts out ""In my country there's a problem, and that problem is the Jews"" as redneck spectators sing along? Have a sense of humor, Anti-Defamation League. If you are having problems with that song alone, just you wait until the Borat movie comes out. Dzienkuje!","Jew","Timur Bekmambetov| Larry Charles| Sasha Cohen| Isla Fisher| Lev Leviev"
32,"Elizabeth Berkley",10,5,3,2,"We admit it, we watched Saved by the Bell. No, we didn't watch it for Elizabeth's character Jessie, who did have a bizzaro-Emmy moment in the episode where she gets addicted to caffeine pills. And then, there's Showgirls. After Saved by the Bell, we had no idea what would become of Jessie; the buck-toothed too-tall frilly-haired anything-but-beauty looked to be destined for anything but stardom. And then, there's Showgirls. So of course, it shocked us to find that Berkley is not only a Jew, but also a practicing Jew, such a rarity in today's Jewish Hollywood. And then, there's Showgirls. Which means it's not fine to eat shellfish or get a tattoo, but it's perfectly normal to strip naked and lick a pole? We guess it was just a movie... It wasn't just a movie, it was Showgirls.","Jew","Dustin Diamond| Gina Gershon| Mark-Paul Gosselaar| Rena Sofer| Lisa Turtle"
33,"Larry David",14,4,5,5,"For centuries, one of the main things that made Jews stand out was our ability to laugh at ourselves. Jews have made self-deprecation an art form. And who does it better today than Larry David? He first gave us ""Seinfeld"", where he was the man behind the scenes (and many fans of the show will agree that it went downhill after his departure). He gave us George Costanza, one of the best characters in the history of television. And now he has given us ""Curb Your Enthusiasm"". Not everyone likes ""Curb""; people find the show and David's portrayal of himself rude, annoying, narcissistic, and unlikable. But most of these people need a laughtrack to guide their emotions. Regardless of your opinion of the show, one can't deny David's Jewishness on it; from accidentally stopping a Baptism, to eating the Jesus cookie (""I thought he was a monkey!""), to (falsely) finding out he was adopted and haplessly trying to act as a goy. In the end, David's portrayal of himself is as self-deprecating as it gets. Which, we suppose, makes him as Jewish as he can get. Perhaps he's this millennium's Woody Allen| less appreciated, but also far less creepy. It's the kind of left-handed compliment that only someone like David himself could enjoy.","Jew","Woody Allen| George Costanza| Jeff Garlin| Richard Lewis| Jerry Seinfeld"
34,"Kevin Youkilis",11,4,3,4,"Sometimes you don't need to search a smarty-pants website. Sometime Denis Leary says something funny and it's plastered all over YouTube. So, yes, Youk's a Jew. Maybe not a practicing Jew or a good Jew or even a proud Jew. But he's a Jew. The history of Koufax and Greenberg leads you to believe that it is the responsibility of the Jewish athlete to lead the way for the tribe. No one asks if Albert Einstein took a break from relativity on Yom Kippur. But Youkilis or Kapler or Ausmus or any other sporting Jew suits up on Shabbat and suddenly everyone starts acting like someone just urinated on the Torah. Would it be nice if Youkilis were into the Jew-thang? Yes, but it's pretty clear at this point that it ain't gonna happen and we're not going to cry into our matzoh ball soup over it. Not everyone can be team captain. If Youkilis wants to be the hard working quiet guy in the back of the Jewish locker room while more overt Jews like Shawn Green take center stage, we're fine with that. Honestly, it matches up with who he is as a ballplayer. We're just happy to have him on the team.","Jew","Ryan Braun| Theo Epstein| Hank Greenberg| Ryan Kalish| Gabe Kapler"
35,"Abraham Lincoln",6,0,1,5,"If one's first name is Schlomo or Moishe, it's more than likely that one is Jewish. But Abraham??? Granted that Abraham is considered a stereotypical Jewish name. But... Abraham Lincoln??? No, no, no, four score and seven times no, Abraham Lincoln was not even remotely Jewish. And just to get it out of the way, neither are French mathematician Abraham de Moivre, Swiss watchmaker Abraham-Louis Breguet, Mexican revolutionary Abraham Gonzalez, Indian professor Abraham Kovoor, Mormon pioneer Abraham O. Smoot, Dutch painter Abraham Bloemaert, or Dominican baseball player Abraham Nunez. Now, there is a theory that Lincoln had Jewish roots, many many generations ago, something to do with the town of Lincoln in England... But those are just theories, flimsy as best. But if you take those as truth, and start digging centuries deep, who knows what possibilities you'd encounter... Perhaps that all the aforementioned Abrahams had a Jewish ancestor at some point? The original Abraham, maybe? Unlikely.","Sadly, Not a Jew","Abraham| Judah P. Benjamin| John Wilkes Booth| Thomas Jefferson| Franklin Roosevelt"
36,"Steven Seagal",5,3,1,1,"To be honest, we haven't seen many Steven Seagal's films. OK, we haven't seen any Steven Seagal's films, for every time we turn the TV on and see his face, grimacing as he tries to act, we quickly change the channel. To an infomercial for hair removal treatment. To synchronized swimming. To ""Full House"" reruns. To anything. We're sure that Steven Seagal was a pretty good martial artist. But being one does not make one a good actor But this website does not exist to debate the acting merits of these thespians. It exists to debate their Jewish merits, and since neither Lundgren nor Norris posses any (but if someone knows otherwise, contact us immediately, because Jew or Not Jew: Dolph Lundgren or Jew or Not Jew: Chuck Norris would be to juicy to pass up), we settle on Jew or Not Jew: Steven Seagal. For Seagal, as his last name suggests, is half-Jewish, and even though that half-heritage is probably the only ties to the chosen people that he possesses, at least it got him a profile on this website. But we're still not watching any of his movies.","Barely a Jew","Vin Diesel| Ayako Fujitani| Bruce Lee| Chuck Norris| Jean-Claude Van Damme"
37,"Madeleine Albright",9,3,2,4,"It's tough enough to figure out who's Jewish and who isn't without having to research people who are Jewish and don't even know it, themselves. That's the story Madeleine Albright tells, anyway, and it would take a lot more research than we're willing to do to dispute it. Apparently Ms. Albright's family was Jewish back in the '30s and converted to Roman Catholic to keep themselves safe from the Nazis. This kind of chicanery rarely fooled the SS, who probably would have rounded up anyone scoring over a three on this website, just to be sure. But it's obvious they did a pretty good job, since not only is Madeleine alive today, but even SHE was fooled. So how do you score that one? After all, she's definitely Jewish. But she's also lived her life as someone who's definitely NOT Jewish. Ordinarily we'd round it up to the nearest whole Jew. However it's important to point out that she hasn't exactly embraced her rediscovered heritage. No happy challahs here, just a fairly reluctant light rye. It's fair to say we're starting to feel a little snubbed. If the situation were reversed, we'd certainly step up to the pulpit and have a little glazed ham. Maybe we'd even change the name of this site to CatholicOrNotCatholic.com. Well, we probably wouldn't go THAT far...","Borderline Jew","Antony Blinken| Bill Clinton| Hillary Clinton| Richard Holbrooke| Henry Kissinger"
38,"Dustin Diamond",6,3,3,0,"It had to be Screech, didn't it? It couldn't be poor man's Ferris Bueller, Zack, or the hunky Slater, right? No, of all the pretty boys it could have been, we got Screech. Oh, the lot of the Jewish male when the best role model on Saturday morning was not only the dorkiest character on television, but has somehow managed to sink LOWER since his child acting debut. Isn't it saying something that we'd rather have Danny Boneduce at this point? When everyone else moved on to have real careers and Dustin was STILL playing Screech, it was sad, though predictable. The celebrity boxing stint and reality show dating episode started to give the idea of where things were headed. Now there's the rumor of the sex tape. Yes, we just wrote the words Screech and sex tape in the same profile. Kill us now. You know what? A 0 is too high for this sad little schlimiel. Where are the negative scores? Maybe he can handle the embarrassment, but we can't. It's time to waive him from the Jew-roster before he destroys the whole team. Seriously, it just had to be Screech, didn't it? (Editor's update: See the Mark-Paul Gosselaar profile, linked below.)","Borderline Jew","Elizabeth Berkley| Mark-Paul Gosselaar| Screech Powers| Tori Spelling| Lisa Turtle"
39,"Vladimir Myshkin",3,0,1,2,"Who is Vladimir Myshkin? One period into the Miracle on Ice game, totalitarian Soviet coach Viktor Tikhonov inexplicably benched all-world goaltender Vladislav Tretiak for the backup, Myshkin. The rest is history: Myshkin allowed two goals, the all-powerful Soviets lost, and America had its greatest sporting victory of all time. Well, that's all fine and good. Hooray for America. But what does it have to do with our website? It turns out that Myshkin is sometimes listed as Jewish. And it does make a little sense: he got the bulk of the blame for the loss, and who better to make into a scapegoat than a Jew? But, apparently, it's not so. While we're not discounting the possibility that Myshkin had some Jewish roots down the line, he is as goyishe Russian as they come. The quest for a Jewish hockey player is just beginning...","Not a Jew","Evgeni Malkin| Alexander Ovechkin| Artemi Panarin| Cory Schneider| Marty Turco"
40,"David Berkowitz",4,3,1,0,"Often, when we find out someone assumed Jewish is not, we are disappointed. This time, we are doing cartwheels. David Berkowitz. Son of Sam. Notorious serial killer. That last name sure sounds Jewish, doesn't it? Well, he was adopted by Jews. His birth parents were Betty and Anthony Falco... So can we breathe easily? Not so fast. It turns out his real father was actually Joseph Kleinman, a Jew, and Betty Falco's maiden name was Broder... a Jew as well. Oh no, no, no, no, no... Or... yes! Berkowicz became a born-again Christian, denouncing Judaism. Ensue the cartwheels. Besides, real Jews don't take orders from talking dogs.","Barely a Jew","Jack the Ripper| Leopold and Loeb| Philip Markoff| Joel Rifkin| Phil Spector"
41,"Mark Wahlberg",2,0,1,1,"Just because your name ends with ""berg"" doesn't make you a Jew. Sure, we have cartoonist Rube Goldberg, sports agent Leigh Steinberg, baseball player turned spy Moe Berg, and actor Steve Guttenberg. And yet, Mark Wahlberg does not join the latter on the list of berg-ending Jewish thespians. Wahlberg comes from mostly Irish stock. The ""berg"" trickled in from Swedish roots, but we are not gonna dwell on the ending to claim Mark as one of us. Sure, he has acted in some choice roles, but we are not exactly talking about Dustin Hoffman here. Besides, Wahlberg is not as cool as he seems. Let's not forget that underwear ad, or the funky bunch, or a stint in the early version of the New Kids on the Block, or... hate crimes. No, we're not gonna dwell on this one at all.","Not a Jew","Moe Berg| Peter Berg| Rube Goldberg| Steve Guttenberg| David O. Russell"
42,"Whoopi Goldberg",4,1,1,2,"Once upon a time, Whoopi Goldberg was actually respectable. If this profile was written ten, fifteen, or twenty years ago, that kvell score would have been much higher. We would taken Whoopi's claim that her mother was Jewish, that she herself is a ""Catholic Jewish girl"", and ran with it. Her grandmother's name was Rachel Freedman, after all. Whoopi Goldberg. Jewish? Why not? Here's why not: while Rachel Freedman was her grandmother's name, she was not Jewish, but black. Neither is her mother; as for Whoopi's other ancestry, it's all been traced back, and there is not a Jew in sight. The one potential white spec on her otherwise black family tree is a clearly goyishe... slave owner. And neither is Whoopi, and we're fine with that. Seriously... ""Eddie""? ""The Associate""? ""Whoopi"", the sitcom? For someone who claims to be a comedian, it seems that she's run out of material ten, fifteen, or twenty years ago...","Not a Jew","Joy Behar| Rod Carew| Ted Danson| Yaphet Kotto| Robin Williams"
43,"Leonard Nimoy",13,4,5,4,"Back in the old Star Trek days, Nimoy and Shatner had quite the competition with each other. Apparently they fought like jealous little girls over scenes and even lines as they wrestled for perceived dominance of the show. Well, 40 give-or-take years later and it's clear to us: Nimoy has won that competition hands down. Sure they've both done music albums and had less-than-inspiring TV show appearances. And Shatner has found new life in ""Boston Legal"". But, in every other category Nimoy has Shatner beat. He directed the better Trek film. He has the better post-Trek resume (he directed the '80s hit ""Three Men and a Baby"" starring fellow JONJ alum Steve Guttenberg) and also done a bunch of solid voice work. He's written a few books that might actually be considered readable. Most importantly, he's managed to keep a little dignity, perhaps the only member of the original cast to do so. And unlike Shatner, he's really outwardly Jewish, even basing the famous ""Live long and prosper"" salute on the ritual Jewish hand sign used when blessing the congregation. So we're proud to welcome Mr. Nimoy aboard. After all, a future where even the aliens are Jewish is a future we look forward to living in.","Jew","Steve Guttenberg| Mark Lenard| William Shatner| Benjamin Spock| Anton Yelchin"
44,"Ron Popeil",9,4,3,2,"If you are no stranger to late-night television, you are probably no stranger to Ron Popeil. Who, you say? That name doesn't register? Set it, and forget it! Does it register now? Ron, who is Jewish, is much more than just infomercial king. He is an inventor, a modern-day Thomas Edison; from the Veg-O-Matic to the Pocket Fisherman to the Showtime Rotisserie, they are all Popeil's creations, or at least he claims them to be. Of course, what separates him from Thomas Edison is that Edison's inventions didn't come with promises of free shipping and handling and didn't break a few months after you bought them. And Edison never invented Hair in a Can Spray. Yet who knows, maybe 100 years from now, Popeil's name will be absolved of these shortcomings and he will be considered the greatest inventor of the late 20th century. Or not.","Jew","Lori Greiner| Milton Levine| Vince Shlomi| Sy Sperling| Harold von Braunhut"
45,"Peter Tomarken",11,4,3,4,"It's hard to write about Peter Tomarken. Sure, we can play up the camp value of his 80s game show, ""Press Your Luck"". And honestly, without that show, there's very little to go on. According to his Wikipedia article, Tomarken worked for ""Women's Wear Daily"" (insert your joke here) and co-anchored a news show on Playboy TV (insert your joke here). No, without ""Press Your Luck"", there is not much there. That is, until earlier this year, Tomarken volunteered to carry a passenger to a medical center in his airplane. Sadly, he perished in the ensuing crash. So make fun of his career or not, Tomarken was a mensch, and we're glad to have him on our team. That said, it's hard to give a higher rating to a cheesy game show host...","Jew","Mark Goodson| Monty Hall| Howie Mandel| Herb Stempel| Marc Summers"
46,"Lavrentiy Beria",1,0,1,0,"So close to our first triple-Gibson. So close. Unfortunately, when searching the web for Jewish material, one often runs into cleverly disguised Neo-Nazi sites, who conveniently claim every conceivable sociopath was a Jew. One of their favorite targets is Stalin's sidekick Lavrentiy Beria, the head of the NKVD, and a complete psychopath. Don't believe those websites; Beria's only connection to Jews is the number he killed. And we can go into detail and list all his crimes, but we don't have the time or the patience. If you are curious, the internet is at your fingertips. Look it up. So why the rumor-mongering? Apparently, Beria ""was often described as looking like a Jew"". So there is your 1 for the O Score. So close to our first triple-Gibson. So close.","Not a Jew","Yuri Andropov| Lazar Kaganovich| Rosa Kaganovich| Joseph Stalin| Genrikh Yagoda"
47,"David Beckham",7,2,1,4,"He might not be so smart. And he might not be that good of a soccer player anymore. And he might be the world's foremost metrosexual. And he might be blamed by England for its failures in two of the last three World Cups. And he might have lent his name to an average movie that spun a lifetime of terrible puns. But you know what? We'll still take him. Well, a quarter of him, the yarmulke-wearing quarter that was taken to the synagogue by his grandfather. So what if he wears a cross as a fashion statement? He is still the world's most famous athlete. So pass the gefilte fish and chips and welcome to our seder, David. We'll leave a seat open for Posh Spice.","Barely a Jew","George Cohen| Edgar Davids| Malcolm Glazer| Tottenham Hotspur| Zinedine Zidane"
48,"Paris Hilton",2,0,1,1,"We are hypocrites. We'll be the first to tell you that we've seen enough of Paris Hilton. Every time this worthless waste of chromosomes rears her face, we try to look away. So why are we profiling her on this website, when she is obviously not Jewish? Well, it looks like Paris is following Madonna with the Kabbalah fad. And while Madonna at least possesses some kind of intelligence that makes it seem that she is sincere in her intentions, the words ""intelligence"" and ""Paris Hilton"" do not belong in the same sentence... or on the same planet. So we apologize for this profile. In a week which saw us talk about Scarlett Johansson, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Alicia Silverstone, to follow that up with Paris Hilton? Well... we need some low Jew Scores too.","Not a Jew","Zsa Zsa Gabor| Courtney Love| Madonna| Britney Spears| Amy Winehouse"
49,"Scarlett Johansson",11,3,3,5,"Count Scarlett Johansson on the list of people whose Jewishness first totally surprises us, but is quickly accepted and celebrated. She does call herself a ""New York Jew"", after all. But ""Johansson""? That's a bit Nordic to be Jewish, isn't it? If that's Jewish, shouldn't we be profiling the rest of Scandinavia? The answer to that is simple; if other Norwegian, Swedish or, as in the case of Scarlett's father, Danish Johanssons married Jewish women, we would gladly profile their offspring on this website, provided their resume is as accomplished as Scarlett's. Will that happen? We doubt it; not because of Norsemen aversion to Jewish women, but because Scarlett has set the bar pretty high for these Nordic Jews. That said, we welcome all gorgeous Danes, Swedes, and Norwegians to try to beat Scarlett's standard. Far be it from us to discourage such a noble cause.","Jew","Woody Allen| Thora Birch| Sean Penn| Ryan Reynolds| The Vikings"
50,"Alicia Silverstone",11,4,3,4,"Ten years ago, Alicia Silverstone was on top of the world. Today, she seems to be falling into obscurity. But here at Jew or Not Jew, we don't discriminate against fallen Hollywood royalty; sure, we'll make fun of them, but in the case where the person's Jewishness is a proven fact, we'd still give them a high enough score. See: Guttenberg, Steve. See: Ryder, Winona. So this would usually be the space where we'd make fun of Alicia. Except... it's pretty hard to make fun of her. She doesn't possess Guttenberg's lameness or Ryder's kleptomania. In fact, it's pretty amazing how she went from being one of the most sought-after young stars to failed TV sitcoms in a few years. Was it ""Batman and Robin"" that doomed her? But then, George Clooney did manage to survive that debacle. So we're gonna let you off the hook, Alicia. Having another website lampooning your career will just be a drop in the ocean. So instead, we'll focus on your Jewishness, and since you was raised in a traditional household and seem to be very proud of your heritage, we'll look past the latter years of your career. It could definitely be worse. See: Guttenberg, Steve. See: Ryder, Winona.","Jew","Cary Elwes| Steve Guttenberg| Cher Horowitz| Brittany Murphy| Winona Ryder"
51,"Gwyneth Paltrow",9,3,2,4,"""Aha!"", says our faithful reader. ""Got you!"", he laughs hysterically. ""I'll give you Scarlett Johansson, Natalie Portman, and Alicia Silverstone. But Gwyneth Paltrow? She is the blondest of the blond, the WASPiest of the WASP! Stop making stuff up, Jew or Not Jew!"" Slow down, faithful reader. We might still be searching for the purpose of this website, but we never make stuff up. So if we tell you that Gwyneth is half Jewish by birth, descendant from a rabbinical family, and proud of her heritage, shouldn't you take our word for it, faithful reader? Haven't we been right on countless profiles before? Why are you trying to discredit us anyway? So she is blond. So what. So she seems to be the personification of the New York WASPy elitist. So what. She was raised Jewish. And is planning to raise her kids Jewish. And did name her second child Moses. Does it get more Jewish than that? Don't doubt us next time, faithful reader.","Jew","Ben Affleck| Helen Hunt| Scarlett Johansson| Natalie Portman| Alicia Silverstone"
52,"Monica Lewinsky",10,4,4,2,"Maybe it's true that people don't change. But the world definitely changes around us. And then it's up to us to react. When we initially wrote this profile, our feeling was that Ms. Lewinski, in her guise of whiny seductress, was reinforcing a negative stereotype of Jewish women. We found that troubling and we very much did not want to be associated with her legacy. We're still not totally in love with the idea of Ms. Lewinski as a representative of our people. But nowadays she looks more like victim of a powerful, manipulative male than the person we initially described her as (We won't repeat the words we used originally. Suffice to say that words were said). And, being fair, she's handled her place in history with surprising aplomb. Not to mention that her Twitter game is pretty strong; no small thing in these heady days. So yes, we've switched from disdain to pity—which isn't much better than where we were before—but we think it better reflects our feelings nearly two decades after the actual act. It makes for a far less funny profile, but then maybe that was the problem all along. The world keeps changing, that much is certain. The question is whether it's changed enough.","Jew","Bill Clinton| Al Gore| Marilyn Monroe| Marguerite Steinheil| Rachel Uchitel"
53,"Yakov Smirnoff",11,4,5,2,"In Soviet Russia, this website reads you! Yakov Smirnoff used to open for Jerry Seinfeld. Today, Seinfeld is probably the best-known comedian in America, and a multi-millionaire many times over. Smirnoff owns his own theater in Branson, Missouri. Yakov Smirnoff used to room with Andrew Dice Clay. Today, Clay is the definition of ""washed-up"". Smirnoff owns his own theater in Branson, Missouri. It's all relative when you look at Yakov. Sure, he is no Seinfeld, but he is also no Clay. And we guess it's good that he's still working, that he's found the audience to stretch his ""In Soviet Russia"" jokes (be it in Branson, Missouri), that there are still some people out there who are willing to laugh at a Jew parading in traditional Russian clothing (be it in Branson, Missouri). And to think about it, it's not really the worst fate for a former art professor and penniless immigrant. But do we really want Smirnoff to be the face of Russian-speaking Jews in America? Well, at least he owns his own theater. In Branson, Missouri.","Jew","Andrew Dice Clay| Bianna Golodryga| Lenny Krayzelburg| Jerry Seinfeld| Regina Spektor"
54,"David Eckstein",6,0,3,3,"Far be it from us to propagate stereotypes here at JONJ.com, but there does seem to be a certain type of Jewish baseball player. Tall. Power hitter with low average. Serviceable fielder. Slow on the basepaths. Smart, but not tricky. Think Gabe Kapler. Or Shawn Green. Then there's David Eckstein. Gamer. Dirty uniformed, slap hitting, slick fielding, quick moving David Eckstein. In fact, he doesn't fit the stereotype of the Jewish baseball player at all. And that makes sense. Because he's not Jewish. Not even a little bit. Of course, if one's Judaism were determined by a name, then David would be MVP of the Hadassah instead of the World Series. But Judaism isn't name deep. David's just a hard-working goy playing on Rosh Hashanah and getting slapped on the tuchus after a clutch hit. Oh well. There are worse people to be accidentally tied to. Eckstein may not be the best player, but he is one of the most popular. So we'll take the association if we can't have the man. Just remember to say a prayer thanking G-d on Shabbas that it wasn't Barry Bonds.","Not a Jew","Lance Berkman| Rod Carew| Shawn Green| Jason Marquis| Trevor Rosenthal"
55,"Krusty the Clown",10,5,2,3,"""All this time I thought I was a self-loathing Jew, when all along I was just a plain old antisemite.""| Krusty the Clown Hey hey kids! It's Krusty the Clown, everyone's favorite animated harlequin, host of his own TV show, peddler of various shady products, gambling-addicted alcoholic, friend of Bette Midler and Johnny Carson. And a Jew, as we found out in one of the earliest memorable episodes, when Krusty tried to reconnect with his estranged rabbi father Hyman Krustofski. Of course, being a Jew does not stop Krusty from hosting ""Krusty Kinda Khristmas"" and having his own brand of pork products. So he truly is the definition of ""self-loathing Jew"". Or is it just ""plain old antisemite""? We'll still take him over Chief Wiggum, Waylon Smithers, or Barney Gumble any day of the week.","Jew","Bozo the Clown| Jackie Mason| Bette Midler| Harley Quinn| Milhouse Van Houten"
56,"Sarah Jessica Parker",11,3,5,3,"If stereotypes are to be believed, Jewish people have big noses. And, as most stereotypes have roots in truth, so does this one. But... so what. There are many worse ethnic traits to have. Big noses add character. Which brings us to Sarah Jessica Parker, whose half-Jewish roots have blessed her with a schnoz to end all schnozes. A schnoz so prominent that even one look at her face etches it in memory and requires hours of mental soap to scrub it off the hippocampus. It really is a giant schnoz. And it really is not proportionate with the rest of her body. Yet... somehow it works for some out there. Somehow, Parker has risen to sex symbol status. Somehow, some find this unproportionally exotic and appealing. But not us. For us, a big nose is not exotic or appealing. We've seen so many of them, from every uncle Joseph to every aunt Miriam. It's just that... even poor aunt Miriam is no match for Parker. It really is a giant schnoz.","Jew","Matthew Broderick| Robert Downey Jr.| Jennifer Grey| Barbra Streisand| Charlotte York"
57,"Dr. Seuss",8,0,3,5,"Were Green Eggs and Ham not eaten because they are treif? Is the Cat wearing a Hat in lieu of a yarmulke? Did Horton hear a who, lay an egg, and ask why this night is different from all other nights? These and many other questions will have to remain unanswered, because, despite multiple rumors to the contrary, Dr. Seuss is not a Jew. He obviously sympathized with the cause, a la inaugural JONJ entry Charlie Chaplin, but that's as far as it goes. So much for Seuss. A mensch? Certainly. A goy? Undoubtedly.","Sadly, Not a Jew","The Grinch| Daniel Handler| Samuil Marshak| Maurice Sendak| Shel Silverstein"
58,"Fran Drescher",11,4,5,2,"The voice. The voice. The loud, nasal, piercing voice. So annoying that one sound of it leaves a permanent imprint in your brain. The voice. It can't be mistaken for anyone else's. The voice. Fran Drescher's voice. The voice of a New York Jewish woman. To be fair, Drescher is not the worst choice to represent that group. At least she is, if not gorgeous, then not completely unattractive. And oh, so typically Jewish. But it's the voice that makes her the total package. If you took the voices of all New York Jewish women, put them in a blender, and puree for a few minutes, Drescher's voice would come out. And that's definitely not a good thing... let's leave it at that. And the laugh. Don't get us started on the laugh.","Jew","Sandra Bernhard| Lisa Kudrow| Rhea Perlman| Leah Remini| Katey Sagal"
59,"J. D. Salinger",7,3,1,3,"When it comes to writing, J.D. Salinger knew when to quit. So after he penned ""Catcher in the Rye"", the once-prolific author became a recluse, not publishing any new work since 1965, not granting an interview since 1974. Still, with ""Catcher"" considered one of the great, if not the greatest, novels in American history, his decision to stop while at the top can be understandable. When it comes to religion, Salinger didn't know when to quit. In a strange twist, his goyishe mother changed her name from Marie to Miriam in order to pass for Jewish. So J.D. grew up Jewish and was even bar mitzvahed. He later became Buddhist; if he would have stopped there, we wouldn't complain too much. It's the decisions he made afterward that sent this train downhill. Scientology. Christian Science. Megadoses of Vitamin C. Vomiting. Speaking in tongues. Sitting in something called an ""orgone box"". Oh. And urine therapy. That's right, drinking your own urine. Now is it obvious why we're not so happy to have him? You should have known when to quit, J.D.","Borderline Jew","Joseph Heller| Arthur Miller| Wilhelm Reich| Matt Salinger| Kurt Vonnegut"
60,"Bob Saget",11,4,4,3,"Supposedly, Bob Saget is a dirty, vulgar comedian. But you wouldn't know it from his most-known work, ""Full House"" and ""America's Funniest Home Videos"", neither of which were dirty or vulgar, and definitely not comic. Unless you find humor in life lessons learned with a hug. Or are a big fan of getting hit in the groin. From ten different angles. With Bob Saget providing the narration. It's really hard to get past those initial impressions when discussing Saget. For no matter how much you cringe at his stand-up act, an image keeps popping up. Bob is in a sweater vest, sitting at the end of a bed, having a heart-to-heart talk with one of his TV daughters. No matter how vulgar he tries to be, he can't conquer that image. Of course, if you take that image away, what's left? Just another dirty Jewish comedian who probably has no chance to be profiled on this website. So embrace your fatherly TV side, Bob. It got you on Jew or Not Jew.","Jew","Andrew Dice Clay| Dave Coulier| Mark Linn-Baker| Howie Mandel| John Stamos"
61,"Benjamin Disraeli",12,4,3,5,"Who is the most powerful man in the world right now? The answer you'll usually get is George W. Bush. In fact, if you raised that question at any time during the last century, at the top of the list you'd likely find the name of an American president, as the United States has risen to the top of the international food chain. However, if you go a little farther back, to the second half of the 19th century, when England was still at its peak, the answer is not that simple. For challenging Andrew Johnson and Rutherford B. Hayes for world supremacy would be the most powerful man in the UK, the prime minister for a large chunk of the longest reign in English history (that of Queen Victoria), Benjamin Disraeli. A Jew. So Disraeli was baptized. So what? When a member of Parliament attacked him by calling him a Jew, Disraeli replied: ""Yes, sir, I am a Jew, and when the right honorable gentlemen's ancestors were savages on an unknown Island, mine were priests in the Temple of Solomon."" Besides, how often do we get to claim the most powerful man in the world one of our own?","Borderline Jew","Prince Albert| James Callaghan| David Cameron| Winston Churchill| Mayer Rothschild"
62,"Elvis Presley",5,0,1,4,"Shake those hips and sing Hava Nagila, the King is one of us! Or... is he? If it was only so simple. One theory states that Elvis had a Jewish maternal great-great-great-grandmother, which would make him Jewish in the Halachical sense. The other theory states that that great- grandmother was a myth, a figment of the imagination of a delusional relative who lied to a biographer. Alas, it is the second theory that is true. However, Elvis definitely showed some reverence for the chosen people. As a child, he was a shabbos goy for a rabbi neighbor. As an adult, he donated to Jewish charities. He even wore a Chai necklace (sometimes paired with a cross), saying ""I don't want to miss out on going to heaven on a technicality."" (Of course, if he really was Jewish, he'd know that our concept of heaven quite differs from the Christian one. But can't blame a guy for trying.) And you can't blame us for wanting Elvis on our team. We certainly would prefer him to that OTHER Jew known as ""The King"", right? (Editor's update: We're fully aware of claims and even ""proof"" that Elvis had Jewish lineage. However, actual genealogical research has shown otherwise. So, Not a Jew.)","Sadly, Not a Jew","Robert Goulet| Riley Keough| Leiber and Stoller| Peggy Lipton| Natalie Wood"
63,"Jerry Seinfeld",13,4,5,4,"What's the deal with this profile? Surely, this is a high score, but shouldn't it be even higher? Jerry Seinfeld is Jewish, acts Jewish, and based on previous raves about George Costanza and Larry David, is more than welcome in the tribe. Seriously, what's the deal? Well, there really is only one thing that keeps Jerry from achieving an even higher score. He's tried Scientology. The key word here is ""tried"", for it looks like that infatuation was a passing fancy, as he quickly turned his back away from the cult. But to give a perfect score to someone who considered Scientology? Even if it was a passing thought? Feh. But without that fling, Jerry is just about a perfect JONJ candidate. Funny, successful, and oh so Jewish. He has even dropped the now-so-very annoying ""what's the deal"" routine. Aren't you glad we brought it back for this website?","Jew","Jason Alexander| Barry B. Benson| Larry David| Julia Louis-Dreyfus| Michael Richards"
64,"Michael Richards",6,1,2,3,"Let's get this straight. The real Kramer is Jewish. The Kramer character is not Jewish. Almost everyone involved in Seinfeld, from the creators, to the producers, to the major actors are Jewish. Michael Richards... well... ummm... Hmmm. Turns out that even though Richards' parents are not Jewish, he was raised by Jewish mentors. ""I agree with the concepts and the religious beliefs of Judaism and I've adopted Judaism as my religion,"" Richards is quoted as saying. So... Jew? Not so fast. And this has nothing to do with Richards himself. Oh, sure, the recent racist tirade is not going to win him any friends, but we have to look beyond that. As it turns out, the quote above was released by his publicist in response to the tirade... and it quickly backtracked to ""Richards thinks of himself as Jewish"". Yeah... that's not gonna do. Sorry, Michael, we're gonna need a little more. At least a bris or something. If only you kept your mouth shut, we've might have been a bit more lenient. Maybe Kramer should have taken a clue from Costanza and left on a high note.","Not a Jew","Jason Alexander| George Costanza| Julia Louis-Dreyfus| Jerry Seinfeld| Weird Al Yankovic"
65,"Nostradamus",8,3,1,4,"If you are wondering why the world's foremost psychic is making an appearance on this website, it turns out that his father was Jewish, but forced to convert to Catholicism. That out of the way, Nostradamus has gotten a bad rap over the years. Of course, when one is most known for predicting the end of the world time after time, what kind of a good rap can one expect? To be fair, there is much more to Nostradamus than his prophecies. He was a renowned apothecary and physician. But then, if he stayed only an apothecary and physician, would he be profiled on this website, 500 years after his birth? Not likely. Medieval doctors are dime a dozen. However, someone whose prophecies, no matter how vague, have stood the test of centuries? Whose words are repeated year after year by kooky followers? Well, you have Nostradamus, and that's more than enough. It's just sad that Nostradamus spewed doom and gloom. How hard would it have been to be a bit more positive and predict world peace instead?","Barely a Jew","Robert Aumann| Leonardo da Vinci| Johannes Gutenberg| Eliphas Levi| Michel de Montaigne"
66,"Roseanne Barr",8,4,3,1,"Can Jews be trailer trash? Apparently so. So even though she was born Jewish, it's very hard to imagine Roseanne sitting down for Passover Seder, her head covered with a scarf, sipping on Manischewitz. No, it's much easier to picture her in a middle of a trailer, popping open a TV dinner, slurping Pabst Blue Ribbon. It gets even more complicated. Yes, her family was Jewish, but somehow, it was involved in Mormonism as well. Then she became both a kaballist and a follower of Jesus Christ. Now she is back to reclaiming her Jewish heritage. And we are fine with that. If Roseanne wants to return to being Jewish, that's fine. Just make sure to stock up on TV dinners when she visits.","Borderline Jew","Tom Arnold| Sandra Bernhard| John Goodman| Ginnifer Goodwin| Rosie O'Donnell"
67,"Juan Pablo Sorin",8,3,2,3,"Jews are everywhere. From the fjords of Norway to the deserts of Ethiopia, from the tundra of Siberia to the pampas of Argentina, you will find Jews. And it is those pampas that we will focus on today, for Argentina and neighboring Chile received their fair share of Jewish immigration a century ago. Now, most of those Jews assimilated and converted, but some remain. Take the Argentinian national team at this year's World Cup, for instance. It was coached by a Jew, Jose Pekerman, and captained by a Jew, Juan Pablo Sorin. Yes, Sorin is a Jew, even with the mullet and the ""Juan Pablo"". Now, Sorin's Jewishness might be somewhat latent, as he is supposedly known to cross himself. Hmmm. A tad sad, really. Does he want to fit in with his mostly Catholic teammates, or is he only ethnically Jewish, but not religiously? Come on, Juan Pablo. Embrace your inner Jew. At least for our sake; how many chances for a World Cup captain will we ever get?","Borderline Jew","William Ayache| Jose Pekerman| Haim Revivo| Walter Samuel| Ezra Sued"
68,"Ben Roethlisberger",3,0,2,1,"Is Ben Roethlisberger Jewish? Of course not. But that didn't stop people from attempting to claim him as a Jew after he led the Steelers to the Super Bowl win. Theoretically, ""Roethlisberger"" could sound Jewish. But only theoretically; in reality, it's goyishe Swiss. By the same token, one can claim anyone with a hard-to-pronounce long last name to be a Jew. Like Norman Schwarzkopf or Arnold Schwarzenegger. Clearly, obviously, not Jews. Just like Roethlisberger. Of course, when Ben was riding a high, we let those Jew rumors slide. But when he turned into an idiot and almost died after riding a motorcycle without a helmet, his kvell took a major hit. Super Bowl winning quarterback? We'd take him, if that was an option. Idiot biker? No thanks, we'll pass. And now, with rape accusations surfacing time and again? We'll stay as far away as possible. Both figuratively and literally.","Not a Jew","Rex Grossman| Colin Kaepernick| Eli Manning| Peyton Manning| Aaron Rodgers"
69,"Rob Schneider",9,3,4,2,"To say Rob Schneider is ugly is an understatement. To say Rob Schneider is funny is an exaggeration. To say Rob Schneider is the most unlikely leading man in America today is spot on. So if you're a Hollywood producer, and you can't get Ben Stiller, and you can't get Adam Sandler, and you keep sliding down on the Jewish actor/comedian scale, and you're wise to stay away from Pauly Shore, you get Schneider. And then you try to convince yourself that he is gritty if not ugly, and that he is amusing if not funny. And then you get ""Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo"". But we are not Hollywood producers here. And if Schneider is good enough to headline movies of dubious quality, he is good enough to be on this website... of dubious quality. Even with part-Filipino roots. Hell, we've already profiled Ben Stiller, we're soon gonna tackle Adam Sandler, and so far we've been wise enough to stay away from Pauly Shore.","Borderline Jew","Allen Covert| Elle King| Adam Sandler| Pauly Shore| Ben Stiller"
70,"Superman",8,2,1,5,"It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a Jew?! Superman sure doesn't look Jewish, what with the blue hair, perfect spitcurl and skintight underwear-on-the-outside couture. But take off those glasses and something looks fishy. And it ain't the creamed herring. You see, both Supes' creators, Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster, were Jews, giving him clearer Jewish parentage than half the people on this site. And Superman's story very much fits the Jewish immigrant experience of the 1930s. His origins are dubious, so he disguises himself as a mild-mannered shmoe, unrecognizable to the world at large. He's just an everyday American. A little strange, sure, but no different than anyone else. But then, when the proper moment arrives, he whips off his disguise and reveals his true origins. He's a Jew! Sound like someone familiar, Man of Steel? Notice how his true identity gives him power? Even ultra-shiksa Lois Lane prefers the Mensch of Tomorrow to the white-bread-with-the-crusts-cut-off Clark Kent. So why does he hide it? Maybe the Justice League has anti-semitic hiring policies. Who knows? So, until he comes out of the closet, Superman's true identity remains in doubt. But we know the truth and we're calling him out. Be proud of your Judaism, Superman! Give young Jewish geek-boys something better than a man made of rock to look up to. And in return we promise not to tell Lex Luthor that your real weakness isn't kryptonite| just mayonnaise.","Borderline Jew","Richard Donner| Lex Luthor| Alvin Schwartz| Helen Slater| Bruce Wayne"
71,"Adam Sandler",12,4,5,3,"Today is Christmas. And while all the gentile boys and girls unwrap their G.I. Joes and Barbies, we Jewish kids eat Chinese food and try to figure out what to do with eight-days-worth of tube socks we just received for Hanukkah. Oh, Hanukkah! The festival of light! Tube socks and dreidels, menorahs and chocolate coins! And Adam Sandler's song, written for all us Jewish boys and girls. So, When you feel like the only kid in town Without a Christmas tree, Here's a list of people who are Jewish just like you and me... Thank you, Adam Sandler. No matter how many terrible movies you've headlined, we'll always have the Hanukkah song. For in the dark days before there was JONJ, how else could people find out what movie star was Jewish? It's just too bad that your song is becoming irrelevant as we add more and more profiles to this website. Like this one, for instance. Now excuse us. We need to finish our General Tso's chicken.","Jew","Jennifer Beals| Allen Covert| Kevin James| Josh and Benny Safdie| Rob Schneider"
72,"Milhouse Van Houten",6,1,4,1,"Why would anyone think Milhouse of Simpsons' fame was Jewish? Well, let's see, he's short, nerdy, socially uncomfortable... Oy. In other words, he's the animated version of Woody Allen, without the creepy sexual undertones or the talent. Wonderful. Well, the good news is, he's not really Jewish. His parents attend church. He tells on Bart for fear of going to hell. Even the name| Milhouse. No Jew is naming their child Milhouse. We've got enough embarrassing names without having to dip into the goyishe reject pile. So why would anyone think Milhouse is Jewish? Short, unattractive, no self-respect... Oy.","Not a Jew","Woody Allen| Professor Frink| Krusty the Clown| Screech Powers| Dolph Starbeam"
73,"Harrison Ford",11,3,3,5,"Some Jews are easy to spot. Take Woody Allen, for instance. You don't need a Jewish radar or some clever website to tell you he is Jewish. One look at the former Mr. Konigsberg is all you need to permanently classify him as a member of the tribe. And then there's Harrison Ford. Let's face it; Ford doesn't look Jewish, Ford doesn't act Jewish, and ""Ford"" doesn't sound Jewish. In fact, if you poll a man on the street, they will gladly proclaim one of America's favorite action heroes to be an Irishman. And they would be half right. For Ford's father is Irish| but his mother is Jewish. And as he says himself, he feels ""Irish as a person but Jewish as an actor"". Perfect. So you Irishmen can take his bulimic-dating real-life persona. We'll claim Han Solo and Indiana Jones. Not a fair trade-off? Sure, but what else do you expect from this website?","Jew","Alden Ehrenreich| Carrie Fisher| Mark Hamill| Marion Ravenwood| Steven Spielberg"
74,"James Caan",11,5,2,4,"If ItalianOrNotItalian.com was a real website, James Caan would be a prime candidate to appear. And we're pretty sure that his Kvell score would be through the roof: the man even received an Italian of the Year award! One big problem. James Caan is NOT Italian. He's a Bronx Jew. A Playboy-mansion-living, hard-partying, punch-throwing, hard-drinking Bronx Jew. There is not a drop of Italian blood in him. Claiming James Caan to be Italian just because he played one in ""The Godfather"" would be just like claiming that Rosie O'Donnell is Jewish because she played one in ""Fiddler on the Roof"". And trust us, THIS website will never go there.","Jew","Marlon Brando| Scott Caan| Robert De Niro| Lee Strasberg| Abe Vigoda"
75,"Shep Messing",11,4,3,4,"You might know Shep Messing as one of the most accomplished goalkeepers in the history of American soccer. Or you might know Shep Messing as a Harvard graduate. Or you might known Shep Messing as a witty TV announcer and host. Or you might know Shep Messing as a Jew. Or you might know Shep Messing as the first American athlete to pose nude in a magazine. Ummm.... let's just stick to the first four, OK?","Jew","Don Garber| Zac MacMath| Johan Neeskens| Mordechai Spiegler| Ethan Zohn"
76,"Lenny Kravitz",9,3,2,4,"Leonard. Albert. Kravitz. One of our favorite guilty obsessions is the phenomenon of black men with very Jewish names. Ian Gold, linebacker for the Denver Broncos, is a personal favorite. Of course, Leonard Albert Kravitz would make the Black Man, Jewish Name Hall of Fame. Except that singer/songwriter/Lisa Bonet ex-husband Lenny Kravitz actually IS Jewish. Well, half anyway. Through his father. Which means that if you're of a certain mindset, he's actually not Jewish. But we digress. Anyway, whether you're pleased as punch about this revelation or pissed as pineapple juice depends on how you see ol' Leonard in the first place. Is he a hip, young, 70's rocker with grooving tunes or a pretty-boy hack with a borrowed, banal sound that caters to the lowest common denominator (and the highest common sales figures)? As you can see by the three, we're rather split on the subject. As far as Jewish musicians go he's certainly not the coolest (Dylan) or the lamest (Streisand). We could go either way, really. We just really love the name. Leonard. Albert. Kravitz.","Borderline Jew","Lisa Bonet| Nicole Kidman| Zoe Kravitz| Little Richard| Bob Marley"
77,"Joel and Ethan Coen",14,4,5,5,"It's time for our first two-headed JONJ article. And after closely beating out Sonny and Cher for that prestigious title, the honor goes to the Coen Brothers: the team of Joel and Ethan Coen. So how do you tell them apart? Joel is older, Ethan is younger. Joel directs, but also produces, Ethan produces, but also directs. Joel is married to Frances McDormand, Ethan is married to someone you've never heard of. Joel has a beard, Ethan has a goatee. Yes, we know, the differences are obvious. And both are responsible for some of the most creative movies of the past 20 years. ""Raising Arizona"". ""Fargo"". ""O Brother, Where Art Thou?"". ""Miller's Crossing"" gave us Jewish gangsters. ""The Big Lebowski"" gave us the quintessential Jewish convert, Walter Sobchak. Some say that ""Barton Fink"" can be seen as an allegory for the rise of Nazism. So what if they are hard to separate from each other? At least it saves us from writing two articles.","Jew","John Goodman| Frances McDormand| Josh and Benny Safdie| Walter Sobchak| John Turturro"
78,"Mathieu Schneider",11,4,3,4,"Well here we ago with yet ANOTHER Jewish stereotype. Frankly, we're getting a little sick of you, Mr. Jewish Hockeyplayerberg. Look, everyone knows that the letters N-H-L are synonymous with J-E-W. After all, is there a Jewish child who doesn't remember their mothers straightening their yarmulke with one hand while tying up their skate laces with the other? And who didn't skip out on Hebrew school for a little pick-up on the frozen pond behind the shul? But why is it so hard to find one studious, even slightly-nerdy Jew among the battle-hardened, athletic, ice hockey playing masses? After all, is breaking the hockey stick over one's knee the same as smashing the Ten Commandments? Apparently. So, congrats Mr. Mathieu Schneider, Stanley Cup winner, all-star defenseman, on being yet another Jewish hockey player and reinforcing this ridiculous stereotype of the Chosen people. Why couldn't you have been a trendsetter and gone into something like comedy or banking instead?","Jew","Michael Cammalleri| Quinn Hughes| Brett Hull| Ronnie Stern| Larry Zeidel"
79,"Garry Kasparov",11,3,3,5,"In the mid-70s, a young boy named Garry Weinstein was on his way to becoming a chess prodigy. One problem: his last name was rather obviously Jewish, which would have hindered his progress in the aggressively antisemitic USSR. So, with the blessing of his family, Garry's mother changed it to a more ethnically ambiguous Kasparov. That said, how do we deal with Kasparov? Do we celebrate him for being the greatest chess player of all time, and one of the smartest men alive? Or do we bash him for losing to a computer, therefore starting a downward spiral for all humanity, leading to a bleak and not-too-distant future where we'll all be enslaved by machines? Maybe we shouldn't be so hard on Kasparaov. After all, he claims that he didn't lose fairly: the computer supposedly cheated. So we'll have to side with him. It's not like Deep Blue had to deal with antisemitism, right?","Borderline Jew","Levon Aronian| Mikhail Botvinnik| Vladimir Kramnik| Wilhelm Steinitz| The Turk"
80,"Oksana Baiul",9,3,2,4,"Do we celebrate Oksana Baiul the Olympic champion or do we make fun of Oksana Baiul the alcoholic? The year is 1994, and everyone in America is obsessed with a real-life soap opera of Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan. And when Nancy, America's darling, skates to what most assume will be a winning performance, she is upstaged by some troll-like pixie from Ukraine, Oksana Baiul. And we have our Jewish gold medalist. Only she wasn't aware of the Jewish part yet. The year is 1997, and Oksana has traded Ukraine for Connecticut. Just twenty years old and only three years removed from her triumph, she crashes her car and gets charged with DWI. And we have our Jewish alcoholic. Only she wasn't aware of the Jewish part yet. But as she later found out, Oksana is indeed partly Jewish. She even embraced her new-found Jewishness. So... we're celebrating?","Borderline Jew","Sarah Hughes| Nancy Kerrigan| Yulia Lipnitskaya| Irina Rodnina| Irina Slutskaya"
81,"Miguel de Cervantes",7,1,1,5,"The author of ""Don Quixote"", the father of Western literature, a Jew? Maybe?... Supposedly, Miguel de Cervantes did have some Jewish blood; a descendant of marranos, Jews in Spain who were forced to convert but kept their traditions. Well, at least some scholars think so. And who are we to argue with scholars? And then, other scholars believe that Cervantes was a crypto-Jew himself, practicing Jewish traditions in secret. Was he? Who knows... But who are we to argue with scholars? The author of ""Don Quixote"", the father of Western literature, a Crypto-Jew? Possible?... Alas, there is no real proof... Why are we arguing with scholars?","Sadly, Not a Jew","Luis de Gongora| William Shakespeare| The Spanish| Tomas de Torquemada| Diego Velazquez"
82,"Marilyn Manson",2,0,1,1,"Faithful reader, you got us. There is no way Marilyn Manson is Jewish. So why the hell are we profiling him on this website? Well, attempt to follow our thinking. A while back, there was a rumor that Manson was in real life Josh Saviano. Who the hell is Josh Saviano? The actor who played Paul Pfeiffer on ""The Wonder Years"", the uber-Jew-geek who would have scored perfect 5s on our I and O Scores if we ever profiled him. Alas, it is not true. Marilyn Manson is really Brian Hugh Warner, and definitely, definitely, not Jewish (raised Episcopalian, if you're wondering). And frankly, we're very glad. Was it worth all that to make sure Manson isn't Jewish? We think so.","Not a Jew","Alice Cooper| Anton LaVey| Marilyn Monroe| Josh Saviano| Evan Rachel Wood"
83,"Ruth Bader Ginsburg",15,5,5,5,"When we started with website, we had to pick someone for the perfect score. That someone was Mel Brooks| a terrific choice, if we say so ourselves. So Brooks was going to be the 15, and everyone else would have to fall somewhere beneath. And yet, when it came time to profile Ruth Bader Ginsburg, that notion of the solitary perfect score went out of the window. Not only is Ginsburg Jewish inside and out, it is us who couldn't be prouder to have her in the tribe. Especially since she stands up to Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas on a daily basis. So move over a bit, Mr. Brooks. You are still the center of our Jew or Not Jew universe, but there's no reason to deny this worthy candidate her own space at the top. document.getElementById(""profileImage"").addEventListener(""click"", function() { flip(); }, false); function flip() { setRatings(6, 6, 6); }","Jew","Louis Brandeis| Stephen Breyer| Mel Brooks| Judge Judy| Elena Kagan"
84,"Andrew Dice Clay",6,4,1,1,"Presenting one of the greatest actors ever, Andrew ""Dice"" Clay. Huh? The Diceman? The tough-guy Italian? The star of terrible flops? The same man whose appearance on Saturday Night Live is not only unwatchable, but also despicable? Whose supposed comedy is filled with profanity and misogyny? Whose career has been in the gutter for two decades? Yes, the one and only. One of the greatest actors ever? Him? Why? Well, in the midst of all that profanity and misogyny, did you ever consider that the Italianess is an act? That Dice in real life is actually Jewish? Exactly.","Sadly, a Jew","James Caan| Rhea Perlman| Don Rickles| Yakov Smirnoff| Howard Stern"
85,"Ringo Starr",8,1,2,5,"Maybe Ringo wasn't as talented as John. Or as successful as Paul. Or as handsome as George. But was he Jewish? Well... When the Beatles performed in Montreal, Ringo was accompanied onstage by a bodyguard. Why? Because he received death threats. Why? Because some people thought he was Jewish. So there you have it! Except... Except for one small detail; to quote Ringo, ""The one major fault is, I'm not Jewish."" Well, that settles it. Ringo's only connection to Jews is his wife, the half-Jewish former Bond girl Barbara Bach. But it doesn't look like he had Jewish heritage, and he definitely did not convert after marriage. Sad, really. Because we would take Ringo. It's not like we can have John. Or Paul. Or George...","Sadly, Not a Jew","Barbara Bach| Paul McCartney| Elvis Presley| Keith Richards| Bruce Springsteen"
86,"Rex Grossman",5,0,3,2,"Poor Rex Grossman. You can lead your team to one of the best records in the league, and still hear weekly cries of how you are a bad quarterback. Poor Rex Grossman. You can pass for one of the best percentages in Super Bowl history, and people still say that you lost the Bears the game. Poor Rex Grossman. You've taken so much blame, it makes so much sense for you to be a Jew. It's just that... you aren't. Not with that last name, and not even with a doctor father. And frankly, we're glad. Super Bowl trip or not, it's not like he's a great player. In fact, he pretty much sucks. And we feel much less guilty saying that now that we know he's not a member of the tribe...","Not a Jew","Robbie Gould| Sid Luckman| Ben Roethlisberger| Marc Trestman| Mitchell Trubisky"
87,"Howard Cosell",13,4,5,4,"The more we watch Monday Night Football, the more it becomes clear that the revelatory idea that drove its popularity wasn't primetime or football on a Monday or a nationally televised game| it was Howard Cosell. Because the show hasn't really been worth watching since he left. Just about every event he covered, he made more important, more interesting, more legendary, by force of his words and personality. Famous and hugely popular for being outspoken, opinionated, and unafraid to ask the right questions, Cosell was eventually run out of the business for being outspoken, opinionated and unafraid to ask the right questions. Whether he was a journalistic genius or an uncultured lug seems to depend on the perspective — and what he happened to say that day. In the near term, popular opinion seems to be split on the matter. On one hand, current journalists seem to be told to emulate the goyishe Joe Theismann and stay nice and homogeneous. But at the same time, sports programs seem to be obsessed with finding the next Cosell (landsman Tony Kornheiser was the most recent to be anointed, and has suffered because of the comparison). Regardless, Cosell is very much a Jew and you can see from the scores we're happy to have him. There's really no debate about his Jewish-ness, we just wanted the opportunity to wax lyrical about an often misunderstood, though never uninteresting man.","Jew","Marv Albert| Tony Kornheiser| Steve Levy| Al Michaels| Ed Sabol"
88,"Vladimir Zhirinovsky",3,3,0,0,"It really is too bad that we don't give negative scores on this website. This seems like a great place to start, but then, how low can you go? How low would Zhirinovsky's O and K scores be?|5? -20? -1000? Sadly, Vladimir Zhirinovsky's I score is a 3. The antisemitic sociopath who was dangerously close to becoming the President of Russia in the 90s is, as one look at his original last name would hint at, half Jewish. Yet as obvious as that is, he denied it for years, saying that his mother was Russian and his father was... a lawyer. So calling him self-loathing Jew is not enough. Self-disgusting. Self-repugnant. Self-abhorrent. And hopefully, soon irrelevant. But sadly, half Jewish.","Barely a Jew","Mikhail Fradkov| Dmitry Medvedev| Vladimir Solovyov| Joseph Stalin| Tomas de Torquemada"
89,"Bernard Werber",14,5,4,5,"Sadly, the name of Bernard Werber is little-known to the English speaker. For some reason, one of the best-selling European novelists is largely not translated into English; neither in England nor in the United States. Maybe because he's French. For face it, for hundreds of years the English have hated the French, and for dozens of years, the Americans have done so as well. And it's sad, really, since among the beret-wearing mime-watching frog-eating America-hating snobs, you find someone like Werber, an intelligent, creative, imaginative, thoughtful, incredible author. Oh, and he is Jewish. So, faithful reader, learn French. Or German, or Russian, or any other language that Werber has been translated to. Read ""The Empire of Angels"". Read ""We the Gods"". And admit that not all French people are bad. Especially if they are Jewish.","Jew","Joel Dicker| Neil Gaiman| Rene Goscinny| Marcel Proust| Jules Verne"
90,"Firestorm",7,3,2,2,"OK, so Firestorm doesn't exactly look Jewish. OK, he doesn't exactly look human either, what with the flaming hair and all. But, you see, Firestorm is actually the amalgam of two people, Jason Rusch and Martin Stein. Rusch is black, part of comics attempt to appear socially responsible 40 years too late. But Stein, Firestorm's mental aspect and conscience, is a Jew! But does that make Firestorm Jewish? The Rabbis are a little unclear on the subject of two individual beings merging to become one elemental superbeing and that being's Jewishness thereof. If we were to view Firestorm as a child, does Stein count as the ""mother"" and thus confirm Firestorm as a Jew? Or, since Stein is male, does that make Firestorm merely half-Jewish, or even not Jewish at all? And then if Firestorm is, indeed, Jewish, what happens in the cases when Rusch chooses to merge with the goyishe Firehawk instead of Stein? Is he then not Jewish? Or can Judaism be, in some way, dormant? And if you wanted to give Firestorm a bar mitzvah would it already be too late because Stein and Rusch are older than 13? Or do you go by Firestorm's birthdate which could be considered two years ago? Unless you count the original Firestorm with Ronnie Raymond and Martin Stein in which case it's too late again? And was THAT Firestorm Jewish? And if he was, and he used his matter changing powers to create a Passover Seder from thin air, would it be Kosher? The mind boggles. All of this goes to prove one thing. Comic books are ridiculous and assessing the Judaism of said comics characters, even moreso. It's a waste of time. Period. But, Firestorm is a Jew. Probably.","Borderline Jew","Gim Allon| Guardians of the Universe| Iceman| Hal Jordan| The Spirit"
91,"Billy Crystal",13,4,5,4,"There is a rumor out there about Billy Crystal. No, not whether he's Jewish; it should be obvious to a lamppost that he is. The rumor is about Billy Crystal's name. You see, many Jews change their name to something a little less Jewy when they enter show business. So Allan Stewart Konigsberg becomes Woody Allen, Melvin Kaminsky becomes Mel Brooks, Lawrence Harvey Zeiger becomes Larry King, etc. So it would make sense if Billy Crystal's tidy moniker was a front for something hideous. And the rumor says that it is: Israel William Krisstalsterne. Our tongue hurts from just saying it. Well, the rumor turns out to be false. Billy Crystal's real name is... William Crystal. William Edward Crystal, if you want to be precise. No, seriously, Israel William Krisstalsterne? Even us Jews would never come up with something so hideous...","Jew","Mel Brooks| Miracle Max| Daniel Stern| Mike Wazowski| Robin Williams"
92,"Connie Chung",6,2,2,2,"Isn't this what Jew or Not Jew is all about? Did you really think that you will find out today that... Connie Chung is Jewish? Connie Chung? It's not exactly Marilyn Monroe converting to Judaism after marrying Arthur Miller. It's not even close to being in the same ballpark. But it's out there, and we're acknowledging it. Yes, Connie Chung, Mrs. Maury Povich, is now Jewish. Oh sure, her score is low. It would have been much higher 15 years ago, but first there was Newt Gingrich's mom, then there were the Oklahoma City comments, and then her overall fall into irrelevance and obscurity. But then, profiling someone irrelevant and obscure has never stopped us before. Especially if they're so surprisingly Jewish.","Sadly, a Jew","Juju Chang| Mary Hart| Marilyn Monroe| Maury Povich| Barbara Walters"
93,"Roman Abramovich",10,4,4,2,"When the Soviet Union collapsed, the largest country in the world became up for grabs. And while the Russians spent their time crying into yet another vodka bottle about the loss of Communism, or buying another pair of knockoff jeans on the market, the Jews... the Jews were smarter than that. Well, most of the Jews left already. But those whose stayed were smart enough to grab what was out there. And now, some of the richest people in the world are these newly-made oligarchs... Russian Jews. Take Roman Abramovich, for one. Twenty years ago, he was just some Russian Jewish kid out of the army. Now, he is one of the richest people in the world. Not bad at all. And Abramovich embraces his Jewishness, funding several projects in Israel and donating a lot of money to Jewish causes. Much better than crying into a vodka bottle. Definitely better than buying knockoff jeans...","Jew","Arcadi Gaydamak| Malcolm Glazer| Yuri Milner| Victor Moses| Mikhail Prokhorov"
94,"Scooter Libby",8,5,2,1,"Scooter Libby's real first name is shrouded in mystery. It's listed as ""I."", which could be ""Isaac"". Or ""Ira"". Or ""Irving"". Or ""Israel"". Or something else super-Jewish. Because, ladies and gentlemen, Scooter Libby is a Jew. He just tries his darnedest to hide it. To think of it, that ""Libby"" sounds funny as well. It's probably ""Leibowitz"". Or ""Lyubavitch"". So you can run, Scooter, but you can't hide. Although... we wish you'd hide. The less people know that you're Jewish, the better. But then... why did we bring this up in the first place? What's really important to us at Jew or Not Jew? To expose the Jews out there at any cost? Is it really worth it? Isn't it better in this case to let sleeping dogs lie and allow Scooter to just be Scooter? Ah, fine. We'll live with out decision. Just don't tell us that Karl Rove is really ""Rothstein"".","Sadly, a Jew","Ari Fleischer| Robert Novak| Valerie Plame| Colin Powell| Caspar Weinberger"
95,"Manfred von Richthofen",5,1,1,3,"Don't get us wrong, we have nothing against Germany per se. In fact, if you love pretzels and beer, Germany might be right up your alley. It's just that... Jews and Germans don't mix very well. And that's an understatement. So when we found out that there were over 130 Jewish airmen, pilots, and gunners who flew for Germany in World War I, we were a little set back. Granted, this is World War I, not II. But imagining Jews flying and fighting for the Fatherland... Das Vaterland? Oy gevalt. And it turns out that the famed ""Red Baron"", Manfred von Richthofen, was rumored to be Jewish. Whether or not that was true, we might never know. But there's something to be said about the possibility of Germany's greatest military hero being a Jew. As unbelievable as that seems.","Not a Jew","Lydia Litvyak| Angela Merkel| Erich Maria Remarque| Helmut Schmidt| Markus Wolf"
96,"Tom Arnold",7,2,3,2,"Dear Jews, Were you planning to marry a gentile? And if so, were you planning on bringing him or her over to our side? It seems like a good idea, no? It often does. One exception: Roseanne bringing Tom Arnold into the fold. The marriage is long over, but he remains a Jew. We didn't need another bad Jewish actor. We definitely didn't need another Jewish comedian. Another Jewish fat man? No thank you, we'll pass. Unfortunately for her, Roseanne didn't.","Sadly, a Jew","Roseanne Barr| Kate Capshaw| Jamie Lee Curtis| John Goodman| John Landis"
97,"Steven Spielberg",15,5,5,5,"He hasn't made a good movie in five years. He keeps putting out stinkers like Artificial Intelligence, associating with meshuggenahs like Tom Cruise, and even shook his strongest supporters with Munich, considered by some to be anti-Israeli. So how does Steven Spielberg get a perfect score? It's not our fanboy fascination with the Indiana Jones movies or our ardent affection for summer blockbusters like Jurassic Park and E.T. No, it all comes down to two words: Schindler's List. Once you make a movie like that, you get the Jew or Not Jew equivalent of a get out of jail free card. Oh, wait, two more words: Indiana Jones. Duh.","Jew","Kate Capshaw| Tom Hanks| Amy Irving| Jeffrey Katzenberg| George Lucas"
98,"Kate Capshaw",8,2,3,3,"At Jew or Not Jew, we love the Indiana Jones movies. We love them so much that we can't wait for the now-ancient Harrison Ford to reclaim his role in the still untitled Indy 4, even if the film ends up being a comparable disaster. We mean... Indiana Jones! How bad can it be? But right now, there is no Indy 4, so we are stuck with the first three, which we can't help but watch every time they appear on TV, or popping in a DVD now and again. The films are just that good. Especially ""Raiders of the Lost Ark"". Especially ""Last Crusade"". ""Temple of Doom""? Not so much. Don't get us wrong, it's still Indiana Jones, so its rates very highly when comparing to any other film out there. But comparing it to the other two? Well, it suffers. Maybe it's the lack of Nazis. But most likely it's the role of Kate Capshaw as Indy's leading lady. We loved the so-cute-and-so-tough Karen Allen in ""Ark"". We loved the so-blond-yet-so-evil Alison Doody in ""Crusade"". (Sorry for the spoiler. But shame on you if it is a spoiler! Watch the movie!) Kate Capshaw? Not so much. Maybe it's the constant screaming. Maybe it's the overacting. Maybe it's the damsel-in-distress that we really, really, don't care if Indy saves or not. In fact, every time we re-watch the movie, we hope that somehow he doesn't. Sadly, that never happens. But oh yes, we are writing for Jew or Not Jew here. So Capshaw is Jewish, converting to Judaism for Indy director Steven Spielberg. Perhaps the best thing that came out of that is that she limited her acting and became a stay-at-home mom after the marriage. As for rumors of her making an appearance in Indy 4... We are not holding our breath.","Jew","Harrison Ford| Amy Irving| Shia LaBeouf| Marion Ravenwood| Steven Spielberg"
99,"Robert De Niro",6,0,1,5,"Did you know that Robert De Niro is not as Italian as one might think? He is actually only a quarter; the Italian part comes from his paternal grandfather; none of his other ancestors trace their roots to the Apennine Peninsula. But you're not here for that, aren't you? You want to find out if De Niro is Jewish. After all, there is that lingering rumor that his mother is a practicing Jew... Well, we can clear that one up rather simply. De Niro's mother was not Jewish; she is part German, French, and Dutch... and Presbyterian, for those who care about the details. So how did the rumor get started? Apparently, it was a mistake that was made by a journalist that trickled down into Internet lore. So we're glad we can clear that up. Sure, De Niro can play a Jew in ""Once Upon a Time in America"" or ""Casino"", but to be a Jew in real life? Not in this lifetime. Now, for ItalianOrNotItalian.com...","Sadly, Not a Jew","Marlon Brando| Jodie Foster| Harvey Keitel| Jake LaMotta| Martin Scorsese"
100,"Bob Dylan",11,4,2,5,"We love Bob Dylan. Like a dorky 13-year old with a crush on the prettiest girl in school, we can't help but sigh wistfully at just the sound of his name. One of the greatest American poets. The voice of an entire generation. The inspiration for other greats like Bruce Springsteen and Tom Petty. sigh But just like that pretty shiksa with the blond curls and the pink, fuzzy sweaters, Bob appears to want nothing to do with us. Born Jewish. Raised Jewish. Bob became a born again Christian in the early 80's. Yet we're still willing to forgive. Why doesn't he see we're so much better for him than that jerk, Christ? We need him so much more. There are so many cool outwardly Christian rockers. Look at Bono. We just want one. ONE! But no, we're stuck with Barbra Streisand and half of Lenny Kravitz. So come on Bob. Be a pal. Make your visits to temple more than just an Internet rumor. Come back. After all, you are our 100th profile. And what better way to celebrate? It doesn't matter how many songs you write about Jesus. We want you as one of us. Think about it. Take your time. We'll be waiting right here when you decide....","Borderline Jew","Billy Joel| Lenny Kravitz| Lou Reed| Bruce Springsteen| Barbra Streisand"
101,"Jamie-Lynn Sigler",9,4,2,3,"We admit it. We are not only Jews. We are Jews from New Jersey. Of course, we are New Jersey patriots. So for as much as we bash our state among ourselves, we will defend it to the death when others attack it. Especially because of what Jersey knowledge is limited to for out-of-staters: turnpike exits. And ""The Sopranos"". With the famed show soon ending its run, we dug deep to find a Jewish connection among its principals. No, neither James Gandolfini nor Eddie Falco nor Michael Imperioli are Jewish. But Jamie-Lynn Sigler is. Of course, she doesn't look Jewish at all; that face has ""Italian shiksa"" written all over it. But ""Sigler"" serves a hint of her true roots, especially now that Jamie-Lynn switched it back from her short-lived married name, ""DiScala"". In fact, she is 100% Jewish; her Cuban mother converting to Judaism, and Meadow herself was bat mitzvahed and went to Hebrew school. However, only Sigler's character is from Jersey; the actress herself was born in Queens. But who needs her! It's not like we have a problem finding a real New Jersey Jew we can be proud of. Who needs Meadow Soprano when you have Jon Stewart?","Jew","Jon Bernthal| Jennifer Connelly| David Proval| Princess Rebecca| Steve Schirripa"
102,"Chris Berman",10,4,3,3,"Lots of opinions about Chris Berman out there. Chris Berman is very popular. He is a highly esteemed announcer and studio host on ESPN. Chris Berman is very annoying. His catch phrases are uninspiring, his stuttering is tiresome, and his nicknames are irritating. Chris Berman is a good family man. He is married and has two children. Chris Berman is a two-timing jackass with a known affection for women in leather. Well, one thing about Chris Berman we can't argue about. Chris Berman is Jewish. Yes, that's right, CHRIS Berman. Not only are both his parents Jewish, but Chris and his family practice Judaism as well. After all these opinions, isn't it nice to have one fact?","Jew","Howard Cosell| Rich Eisen| Steve Levy| Dick Schaap| Charley Steiner"
103,"Nicolas Sarkozy",8,2,2,4,"At Jew or Not Jew, we know a little bit about sports. And movies. And comic books. We can't make the same claim about French politics. But when we are told that the newly-elected, controversial and polarizing President of France, Nicolas Sarkozy, is a Jew, we investigate. As it turns out, calling him a Jew at this point is a stretch. One of his grandfathers was Jewish, but converted to Catholicism, and Nicolas was raised a Catholic. Lame. It's not that we would necessarily support Sarkozy if we were French. It's just that it would be nice to have one of the tribe as the head of one of world's powers. In this case, we'll just have to settle for someone who is just a tad Jewish and move along. Now, can we go back to discuss the Jewishness of the latest athlete, movie starlet, or superhero?","Barely a Jew","Leon Blum| Napoleon Bonaparte| Carla Bruni| Francois Hollande| Marcel Marceau"
104,"Sandra Bernhard",11,4,5,2,"Dear Miss Bernhard, We are not sure if you've ever visited our website. Maybe you have... and maybe you have read your profile. It was first written back in 2007, and... it wasn't good. It was one joke, extended to five paragraphs... If you could even call it a joke. That so-called profile made a reference to your appearance. It wasn't exactly flattering. But it stayed up for over a decade, for better or for worse. We can do better, Miss Bernhard, regardless of whether you've visited our website or not! And we believe we've done better in the years and profiles since. So, we would like to apologize to you, and apologize to our readers who saw the crass garbage we put up and thought of us as the oafs that we were. We hope we are not those oafs anymore. Sincerely, Jew or Not Jew","Jew","Roseanne Barr| Carrie Brownstein| Fran Drescher| Madonna| Sarah Jessica Parker"
105,"Marc Chagall",14,5,4,5,"So, someone suggests we do Jewish artists. Which makes a lot of sense. Because you'd figure there ought to be a lot of them. That should keep us in new profiles for a while, right? Right? So we did a little research and discovered a little problem. We're not going to be doing a lot of profiles on Jewish artists. For now, we're not even going to need to open up a new category. Because, well, there aren't any. Maybe it's the artists' obsession with history's original bad boy, Jesus H. Christ. Or maybe we've always been too busy fleeing from the treif-eating, uneducated hordes to create original works of art. Whatever the reason, if famous Jewish athletes is a pamphlet, famous Jewish artists is, what, a post-it note? So, thank G-d for Marc Chagall. Legitimately a great artist. Legitimately a Jew. We'd be the first to admit we're lucky to have him. He was even openly Jewish| one of his most famous works is stained glass windows depicting Jacob's children for a temple in Jerusalem. And maybe there are a few other famous Jewish artists. None come to mind, but no doubt we'll find someone to profile. After all, we did Firestorm and he's not even real for crying out loud. But in the meantime we need some new Jewish artists and that right soon. Seriously, little Mordechais and Miriams, get out your easels and get to it!","Jew","Marcel Duchamp| Amedeo Modigliani| Camille Pissarro| Mark Rothko| Chaim Soutine"
106,"Mike Matusow",9,4,4,1,"Poker's big on TV right now. There must be some Jewish professional poker players out there. Let's see... Johnny Chan, Scotty Nguyen, obviously not. Love to have Dan Harrington... nope. Phil Ivey? Joseph Hachem, Greg Raymer, Chris Moneymaker? No, no, no, no. Hey what about Daniel Negreanu? He could be Jewish. Yeah, Kid Poker! Plays like he can read minds. A true poker superstar... not Jewish. Darn. Phil Hellmuth. Oh, please no... Phew. Oh wait. Mike ""The Mouth"" Matusow? Jewish? Oh no.... Y'know, maybe in this case we're better off not knowing. Let's forget we ever brought it up.","Sadly, a Jew","Annie Duke| Jack of Clubs| Gabe Kaplan| Stu Ungar| Steve Wynn"
107,"David Copperfield",10,4,3,3,"We said it before... Jews and Germans don't mix. So when Claudia Schiffer shows up on the arm of master illusionist David Copperfield, you assume that the Aryan beauty found herself another goy to spend her time with. But then you look at Coppefield and find that behind that Dickensian pseudonym and a cloud of mystery that surround his profession lie Semitic features and the name of David Seth Kotkin, of Russian Jewish New Jersey roots. And then you start wondering... Maybe we shouldn't be so harsh on Germans. Maybe a new day has started. Maybe if a beautiful German woman can find love with a Jew from Jersey, we're entering a brand new world of peace, love, understanding, and magic. So what that their love disappeared faster than the Statue of Liberty in Copperfield's most famous illusion. So what that Claudia ended up marrying some offspring of British nobility. So what that Copperfield is slipping into irrelevance. For that brief time in the 90s, their union showed that that there are no ethnic barriers to love... For famous, rich, beautiful people. As for us... We'll need some longer-lasting examples to change our mind about the Germans. In other words, don't expect us to wear lederhosen, chomp down sausages, and celebrate Oktoberfest any time soon. Well, maybe the lederhosen.","Jew","David Berglas| David Blaine| Horace Goldin| Harry Houdini| Teller"
108,"Marv Albert",12,4,5,3,"Why, Marv Albert? Why? Why did we have to know? Why couldn't you keep your personal life to yourself? We would have been so glad to have you; you are one of the best sportscasters in America and a voice that is recognized from coast to coast. Why, Marv Albert? Why? Why does that voice have to be superimposed by your mugshot and the intimate details that we really, really do not care to recount here? Couldn't you just keep what happens in the bedroom, in the bedroom? Why, Marv Albert? Why? You could have been the next Howard Cosell. Instead, you are the next Jim Bakker. Why, Marv Albert? Why?","Jew","Chris Berman| Howard Cosell| Marty Glickman| Pee-Wee Herman| Eliot Spitzer"
109,"Henry Kissinger",13,5,5,3,"What say, you, we go out on the down and swing, baby? Yea! No, this is not a profile of Austin Powers. This is a profile of Henry Kissinger. Jew. Swinger. What did you expect? A discussion of Kissinger's tenure as Secretary of State? The controversy over his Nobel Peace Prize? Then you don't know our website. For in the 70s, the square-jawed, square-shouldered Kissinger was not a square at all. He was a happening swinger, frequenting Hollywood parties and collecting actresses/models by the boatload: Samantha Eggar, Marlo Thomas, Jill St. John... Sounds unbelievable, right? Henry Kissinger, a playboy? But don't take it from us, take it from the man himself. ""It's astonishing, you know,"" he said at the time. ""These starlets I go out with aren't even sexy."" Oh, Henry, oh you horndog. Yea!","Jew","Madeleine Albright| James Schlesinger| Jill St. John| Ben Stein| Barbara Walters"
110,"Maya Rudolph",9,3,2,4,"If you watch ""Saturday Night Live"", as sometimes we do, you must have noticed the show's lack of performers of color. Sure, they have Kenan Thompson, who has to stretch his limited acting talent to play almost every black role imaginable. And they have Maya Rudolph, who plays not only black, but often Hispanic. Or Italian. Or anything else with even a hint of color. Well, Maya Rudolph is not Hispanic. Or Italian. Yes, she is black| on her mother's side. Her father's side, as you might have guessed from her inclusion on this site, is Jewish. And the combination gives Maya just that necessary bit of color and exoticism that allows her to show off her range in front of her mostly talentless castmates. Still, we're not talking exactly about Gilda Radner here. Rudolph might be adequate on it, but SNL still sucks. So why are we still watching it?...","Borderline Jew","Rachel Dratch| Jimmy Fallon| Seth Meyers| Gilda Radner| Andy Samberg"
111,"Paul Newman",11,3,3,5,"We would gladly take Paul Newman, the actor. His best-known work might have come before our time, but what we've seen of it, as well as his later films, makes us proud to have (half of) one of the most famous leading men of American cinema. And we would definitely take (half of) Paul Newman, the businessman. Be it salad dressing or lemonade, the fact that 100% of the profits are donated to charities, makes us even more proud to have (half of) him. And we don't even have to settle for that half. Newman, half-Jewish by birth, chose to self-identify as Jewish, ""because it's more of a challenge"". And his salsa is delicious. Now, if he could only create Newman's Own Matzah Balls, we'd be all set.","Jew","Daniel Day-Lewis| Robert De Niro| Kirk Douglas| Harrison Ford| Tom Hanks"
112,"Judith Resnik",12,4,4,4,"There have been two well-known Jewish astronauts. One, Judith Resnik, is pictured on the left. The other was Ilan Ramon, not pictured. Both are dead. Resnik, still pictured on the left, was part of the Challenger tragedy. Ilan Ramon, was killed in the Columbia disaster. There have been no other famous Jewish astronauts, nor space shuttle-involved deaths. We'll leave it at that. But to you goyim out there, if you're getting on the space shuttle and you see a Jewish person on board, you might want to rethink. Y'know. Just in case.","Jew","Ellen Baker| Jeffrey Hoffman| Scott Horowitz| Jessica Meir| Boris Volynov"
113,"Seth Rogen",12,4,4,4,"Let's say, hypothetically, that there is more than one person who writes for this website. And, purely for the sake of argument, let's say that one of these hypothetical writers has been told he resembles the young, talented Jew pictured here. Should this person be insulted? Not that there's anything wrong with Seth Rogen. Certainly, in our purely hypothetical scenario, one would feel good about being compared to Rogen as, say, a writer, or actor, or just as an all-around good Jew. But to look like him? And have it said in a way that is meant to be a compliment? We suppose there are worse comparisons. Like being told you look like the fat guy from ER, or the guy with glasses in the Barenaked Ladies. To pick two completely made up examples of what one might have been told one looks like. So we're more than happy to have Seth as a fellow Jew, and we hope he continues to be involved in movies as outright hilarious as ""40-Year Old Virgin"" and ""Knocked Up"". But being told you look like him? By a member of the opposite sex? That's just too painful to bear. Hypothetically, of course.","Jew","Judd Apatow| Jay Baruchel| James Franco| Jonah Hill| Sarah Snook"
114,"Jerry Springer",8,4,3,1,"Once upon a time, there was a nice Jewish boy born in a land far far away, called England. That boy grew and grew, and came to a great land called America. He grew and grew some more, and became mayor of the great town of Cincinnati in the great state of Ohio. And all was so great. But then, a dark spell was cast over the boy. A great beast called ""Television"" took control of our hero. And he was no longer nice Jewish boy, mayor of Cincinnati. He was now bad Jewish man, king of Trash TV. And all was not so great. And the bad Jewish man ruled the kingdom for years and years. Oh, what a diverse kingdom it was! Rednecks and prostitutes, she-males and midgets... And all was so horrible. But then the network gods spoke, and sent down their Angel of Cancellation. The angel flew down and swung his sword... And all became so scary. But the angel missed, so he swung again, and missed, and swung again, and kept missing and missing! Nothing could cancel the Jewish king, so soon the network gods called the angel home. But by then, all became so irrelevant...","Sadly, a Jew","Saint Joseph| Ricki Lake| Maury Povich| Sally Jessy Raphael| Geraldo Rivera"
115,"Charlie Kaufman",13,4,5,4,"We usually wouldn't profile a Jewish screenwriter. There are so many of them, penning everything imaginable, from a blockbuster seen by millions to a indie film seen by five people. But Charlie Kaufman... Charlie Kaufman deserves to be profiled. He is just that good. So what can we say about Kaufman? For starters, there is the brilliant ""Being John Malkovich"", which put us in the head of the famous actor. Followed by the equally brilliant ""Adaptation."", which put us in the head of Kaufman itself. Followed by the almost as brilliant ""Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"", which put us in the head of a man with no memory. And we dig being inside those heads. Even if it is only for the duration of the movie. So we dig Kaufman and his Jewfro-covered head. Rock on, Charlie. We can't wait for your next film.","Jew","Darren Aronofsky| Noah Baumbach| George Clooney| Joel and Ethan Coen| Spike Jonze"
116,"Bob Marley",7,1,1,5,"If you ever go to Jamaica, you will find out about the country's obsession with national icon Bob Marley. His face is plastered everywhere, from flags, to t-shirts, to bongs, to hats. Jamaicans love their Marley. So what's he doing on this website? Well, according to some of Marley's relatives, the Marleys were once Syrian Jews. They started out in the Middle East, made their way to England, and ended up in Jamaica. So maybe next time we visit, we'll bring our own Marley flag. Not the one where his face is superimposed on Jamaica's green and gold, but rather on Israel's white and blue. Yeah, sure, we're stretching it. In fact, there is no evidence that Marley had any Jewish ancestry. Yet come to think of it, don't his rastafarian dreadlocks look a lot like peyes? Ya, mon.","Sadly, Not a Jew","Lionel Belasco| Jamaica Kincaid| Sean Paul| Camille Pissarro| Colin Powell"
117,"Benny Feilhaber",10,3,3,4,"We like soccer here at JONJ, as you can probably tell from the disproportionate amount of soccer profiles. And we're always looking to add a new one, but the problem is, how do we add a profile of someone the general public is probably ignorant of, when we haven't even profiled such better-known Jewish athletes as Sandy Koufax? But when United States beats Mexico yet again, this time to win the Gold Cup, and the game-winning goal is scored... by a Jew, we not only take notice, but gladly profile that Jew on our website. So here we go, Benny Feilhaber, a Brazilian-born American kid who currently plays his pro soccer in Germany... And one of the best emerging soccer talents in America today. Feilhaber's paternal grandfather escaped Austria in the 30s, settling in Brazil. And although Benny's mother's side is not Jewish, he respects his heritage, celebrating Jewish holidays and playing in the Maccabiah games. So hooray for Jewish soccer players! Jonathan Bornstein, you are next.","Jew","Jeff Agoos| Kyle Beckerman| Jonathan Bornstein| Kaka| DeAndre Yedlin"
118,"John Turturro",7,1,3,3,"John Turturro has played some of the most authentic Jewish characters in recent cinema, from the title role in ""Barton Fink"" to Herb Stumpel in ""Quiz Show"". He has very Semitic looks, down to the curly hair and the stereotypical nose. But John Turturro is not a Jew. He is just a very good actor. Think about it: Turturo has also played some of the most authentic obviously-NOT-Jewish characters in recent cinema, from Pino in ""Do the Right Thing"" to Pete in ""O Brother, Where Art Thou?"" to Jesus in ""The Big Lebowski"". But playing Pino did not make him a bigot, just like playing Pete did not make him a redneck, just like playing Jesus did not making him a child molester. For John Turturro is not a Jew. He is just a very good actor.","Not a Jew","Jason Biggs| Joel and Ethan Coen| John Goodman| Tim Blake Nelson| Herb Stempel"
119,"Bugsy Siegel",10,5,3,2,"As you can see from the categories on the left, there are Jewish writers, Jewish politicians, and Jewish comedians. There are also Jewish magicians, Jewish Supreme Court Justices, and Jewish revolutionaries. There are even some Jewish hockey players. And then there are Jewish gangsters. It's hard to get around the stereotype of a nice Jewish boy doing his homework and listening to his mother. Such Jewish boys grow up to be doctors; or maybe writers, politicians, or at worst, comedians. But yet, here we have it. Meyer Lansky. ""Dopey"" Benny Fein. Joe ""The Greaser"" Rosenzweig. Nathan ""Kid Dropper"" Kaplan. Jacob ""Gurrah"" Shapiro. Louis ""Lepke"" Buchalter. ""Dutch"" Schultz. Abe ""Kid Twist"" Reles. And, of course, Benjamin ""Bugsy"" Siegel, who, for all his illegal activity, was a pioneer in developing Las Vegas. No, it's not enough to start their own category, but we're glad to diversify our website even more. So what if some Jewish boys grow up to be gangsters? It might not be what their mothers really wanted, but for all the Jewish doctors out there, not one is profiled on this website as of yet...","Jew","Mickey Cohen| Oscar Goodman| Meyer Lansky| Barry Levinson| Arnold Rothstein"
120,"Fidel Castro",3,1,1,1,"Can we trust Fidel Castro? Yes, this is what this comes down to. Can we trust Fidel Castro? He sure looks trustworthy, doesn't he? With that grandfatherly beard and that spark in his eyes... Tell us a story, uncle Fidel. Will you? Well, one story uncle Fidel might tell is of his ancestry. You see, he says that he is descendant from marranos: Spanish Jews who converted to escape persecution. So if you go back, back, back,... back, back, back in Castro's family tree, you might just find a Jew. Who converted. But a Jew nonetheless. Sounds plausible, be it a tad far-fetched. So should we trust Castro? What if he doesn't agree with the verdict? We don't live in Cuba, so it's not like he can throw us in jail... Can you trust us, Fidel?","Not a Jew","Francisco Franco| Che Guevara| Lisa Howard| Karl Marx| Joseph Stalin"
121,"Gargamel",4,1,3,0,"For the uninitiated, and by that we mean people over the age of 35, the Smurfs were a popular Saturday morning cartoon show, featuring a tiny, predominantly male, socialist commune. They were blue. And lived in mushrooms. And used the word 'smurf' a lot. As in, this scenario is smurfing bizarre. The show also featured Gargamel, a dastardly villain with only one goal| destroy the smurfs! And use their deaths to make money somehow! OK, so maybe this plan wasn't particularly well thought out. Hashem knows the market for smurf skins crashed in the late 1950s. But we digress. All of this is a nice little trip down Memory Lane, but a waste of time on this website. Except for one thing — there is evidence Gargamel may be Jewish. Gevalt! Look, we're happy to have some really badass villains (come on Darth Vader!), but Gargamel? A dirty schlemiel who can't even conquer a bunch of smurfberry-drunk hippies who're only a hand high? What's worse, the evidence is both circumstantial and insulting: Gargamel is drawn like most anti-semitic propaganda (balding, big nose), his end goal is money, he's a momma's boy... It's all pretty upsetting. Because Jew or not, someone out there is really bigoted — the creator of the cartoon or the creator of the theory. Probably a little of both really. All of which leaves us with the vague feeling Gargamel may be Jewish topped by the desperate hope that he's not. Fortunately, then, there's a solution to all this. Since we'll never know for sure, Gargamel's Judaism is based purely on perspective. And since we really don't want Gargamel to be Jewish, we can simply say that he isn't. Once again, the power to determine who's Jewish and who isn't has saved us all. Thank smurfing G-d.","Not a Jew","Dracula| Fagin| Rumpelstiltskin| Papa Smurf| Darth Vader"
122,"Watto",2,0,2,0,"For those who don't remember, Watto is the gambling, slave owning blue imp from ""Star Wars: Episode 1: Good G-d What Were We Thinking?"" And if you don't remember him, you've probably also forgotten there was quite a to do about our flying friend at the time. You see, all the usual suspects were suddenly up in arms about the fact that since he had a big nose and loved money, Watto must be intended to be a Jew. So everyone's pissed about the negative Jewish stereotype in Star Wars. George Lucas is an anti-semite. Blah blah blah. What a load of bullshit. If a character is designated as Jewish and is portrayed as loving money, having a big nose, being henpecked by women, whatever, that's a negative Jewish stereotype and the creator should be called to task. But if a character has a big nose and loves money and the anti-defamation league or whoever says that makes him/her Jewish, well, that's not the creator of the character spreading negative stereotypes. That's the Jews themselves. Watto doesn't wear a yarmulke or attend shul. He isn't studious, intelligent, or well-spoken. He neither gives to his community, nor adds anything to the society at large. THESE are the stereotypes of Jews we're happy to have and THESE are the stereotypes of Jews we should do everything we can to reinforce. The more we attach the negatives to ourselves, the more we spread them. Like the anti-semites don't make it hard enough. The next time you see some super-schnozzed, coin obsessed momma's boy character floating around the fictional universe you can form whatever opinion of him you want. But let's be clear. He's not a Jew.","Not a Jew","Hayden Christensen| George Lucas| Darth Vader| Yoda| Dr. Zoidberg"
123,"Sandy Koufax",14,5,4,5,"Every time we hear from one of our readers we get the following refrain, ""Where's Sandy Koufax?"" ""Why haven't you posted Sandy Koufax?"" ""When are you going to do Sandy Koufax?"" Please. Like you really need us to to tell you that Sandy Koufax is Jewish. Maybe we should do Moses next| y'know, just in case. Seriously, it's Sandy Koufax! The closest thing to a Jewish messiah since Jesus! There isn't a young Jewish male out there that wasn't regaled to the tales of the great Koufax. Unhittable as a pitcher. Unimpeachable as a Jew (he didn't play on Yom Kippur, donchaknow). Does there even need to be a discussion? So, yes, Sandy Koufax is Jewish. Also, there is no Easter Bunny and US Grant was buried in Grant's tomb. Anything else?","Jew","Ralph Branca| Max Fried| Hank Greenberg| Moses| Jim Palmer"
124,"Ryan Braun",9,3,3,3,"Someone call Elijah, it's your 2007 baseball messiah! Not that we don't have Jewish baseball stars now. Shawn Green and Mike Lieberthal are finishing off nice careers. Kevin Youkilis is doing quite well for himself. Brad Ausmus plays every day. But when we look at the league on the whole, well, there's not a lot of greatness out there. Where's the Koufax? The Greenberg? The all star, hall of fame, superduper, baseball Jew? Here. You probably haven't heard of him yet but you will. At this moment he's batting over .330, getting on base nearly 40% of the time, and slugging at .672 (for comparison, McGwire slugged .752 the year he hit 70). And he's a rookie. And he's got speed. And then there's this: ""(Being Jewish) is something that draws a lot of interest and something I take pride in."" Man. Oh. Man. Sure, he doesn't attend temple regularly, but he is a member of a Milwaukee synagogue. And sure, his mother isn't Jewish, but when has that ever stopped us from claiming someone before? As far as we're concerned, it's time to find the afikomen, pour some Manishewitz, and throw open the front door, because Ryan Braun is the real deal. The Hebrew Hammer, indeed! IMPORTANT: All standard restrictions apply. Jew or Not Jew is not responsible for the above statements if the player is injured, accused of using PEDs, mysteriously stops hitting, renounces his religion, or is traded to Tampa. (Editor's update, June 5, 2013: It was #2. Profile invalidated. Dammit.)","Jew","Hank Greenberg| Sandy Koufax| Lip Pike| Al Rosen| Kevin Youkilis"
125,"Neil Gaiman",12,4,4,4,"In a fairer world, we wouldn't need to tell you who Neil Gaiman is. But then, in a fairer world we'd be writing this from our mansion in Hawaii while eating a corned beef on rye with a knish. So it goes. But Gaiman is one of the best writers in comic-dom. His excellent Sandman series did more than make him the patron saint of Goth chicks| it redefined what the entire milieu is capable of. He's also an accomplished novelist with many successful books under his belt and a new movie up his sleeve. And he's a Jew. Bar mitzvahed and all. So — an excellent Jewish writer who took an entire genre to a new level and is one of the luminaries of his field. All in all it adds to up to someone we're quite proud to have. If anyone knew who he was.","Jew","Isaac Asimov| George R. R. Martin| Naomi Novik| Art Spiegelman| Bernard Werber"
126,"Ari Fleischer",10,4,5,1,"You might have guessed from the various profiles on this website that we're not exactly fans of George W. Bush's presidential administration. So even when the voice of that administration was Ari Fleischer, a Jew, we didn't exactly jump on that bandwagon. It would take much more than that. Say, honesty. And competence. And just a touch of sincerity. And... well, it's not happening, with a Jew as a mouthpiece or without him. At least he seems less fake than Scott McClellan.","Sadly, a Jew","John Bolton| Michael Chertoff| Scooter Libby| Colin Powell| Caspar Weinberger"
127,"Evgeni Malkin",4,1,1,2,"Strangely, one of the most popular searches for people accessing our site is for Evgeni Malkin. For those who don't know, Malkin is a Russian hockey player who plays for the Pittsburgh Penguins. He is considered one of the brightest stars in the NHL. We'd certainly be glad to have him. But is he a Jew? It's hard to say, and maybe that's why the search is so popular. On the one hand, the Russian Jewish press has embraced him as one of their own. ""Malkin"" is definitely a Jewish name, so there could be some Jewish blood in him. On the other hand, he crosses himself. See, that about settles it. If Malkin didn't cross himself, we'd take his assumed Jewishness and run with it, commenting how glad we'd be if he took teammate Sidney Crosby into the fold. But... he crosses himself. Now, we know that Jews crossed themselves before the whole Jesus thing. But we're not foolish enough to make THAT connection here.","Not a Jew","Brett Hull| Vladimir Myshkin| Alexander Ovechkin| Artemi Panarin| Jordan and Nick Schmaltz"
128,"Gary Bettman",10,4,4,2,"We admit it. We've had a vendetta against Gary Bettman for over a decade. Ever since he wanted to move our beloved New Jersey Devils to Nashville, even as the very same Devils were winning their first Stanley Cup, we did not like the guy. But what could we do? In the mid 1990s, the NHL was doing well, the Devils stayed in Jersey, and Bettman was hailed for saving the league. And if this profile was done in the mid 1990s, we would have swallowed our hate and given Bettman a high K Score. He was a Jew in charge of a thriving sports league. No personal vendetta would have detracted from that. But not so much now. The NHL is barely on the nation's radar screen, and Bettman often shoulders the blame. And we can say ""we told you so"", and revel in his failure, but sadly, we like hockey. Oh well. At least we can now give him a low K Score and not have to defend it. And that expansion Nashville franchise is a huge success, right?","Sadly, a Jew","Donald Fehr| Jeremy Jacobs| Bud Selig| Adam Silver| David Stern"
129,"Anne Frank",15,5,5,5,"Here at JONJ, we strive to bring out the hilarity of Jewish obscurity. Sometimes we succeed, sometimes we don't. And all is well. For on what other site will you see back-to-back discussions of Dr. Seuss and Bejamin Disraeli? Yakov Smirnoff and Sarah Jessica Parker? Gargamel and Fidel Castro? Jesus Christ and Leonard Nimoy? Well, maybe that last pair... Yet sometimes, it's wise to take a step back from the uproarious laughter and supposed creativity and be serious, if only for a moment. Anne Frank. The girl and the diary. It's been over 60 years. She is long gone, so is the war, and soon everyone who experienced it will be gone too. But memories remain. And the diary remains. And if... if there is just one person who picks it up and starts thinking, and understanding, as we know thousands and thousands have already done... We can't think of anyone more deserving of the perfect JONJ rating. We can now go back to our regularly scheduled programming. Paula Abdul, anyone?","Jew","Paula Abdul| Janusz Korczak| Irene Nemirovsky| Daniel Pearl| Raoul Wallenberg"
130,"Paula Abdul",10,5,3,2,"If you work in a cubicle environment, like we do, you might overhear coworkers' conversations. Not on purpose, of course; for we could care less about what someone had for lunch, or the relative quality of hardware store chains, or the importance of teamwork in online gaming. Or American Idol. Boy, do coworkers love American Idol. But we've had just about enough of it. Which means that we've had just about enough of Paula Abdul. So we really can't embrace her as a Jew| and she is, don't let ""Abdul"" fool you, 100% Jewish; the last name comes from her father, a Syrian Jew. She is even considered a Zionist and embraces her religion... We just can't embrace her. Maybe it's because we're close-minded. Maybe it's because we can't open our eyes and ears and embrace the glory that it is Idol, and Paula fawning over talentless wannabes belting out the pop-song-of-the-month. Maybe it's because we are afraid to like the most popular TV show in America. Or maybe it's because American Idol sucks. Sorry, Paula.","Jew","Mustafa Kemal Ataturk| Kobe Bryant| Brooke Burke| Simon Cowell| Adam Lambert"
131,"Mark Spitz",13,5,3,5,"Stewardess: Would you like something to read? Woman: Do you have anything light? Stewardess: How about this leaflet, ""Famous Jewish Sports Legends?"" Thank you, Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker, for that exchange, which was as funny then as it is now. Hell, every time we add another Jew to the Athletes category, we need to affirm in the profile that we're going against the stereotype. Even then, our list does not have many sports legends on it. Sandy Koufax? Of course, but after him... Mathieu Schneider? Come on. But then we have Mark Spitz, who, at the 1972 Olympics, set the record that wasn't approached before| and for three decades since. 100 meter butterfly. Gold. 100 meter freestyle. Gold. 200 meter butterfly. Gold... Gold. Gold. Gold. Gold. Seven golds. The Flying Finn Paavo Nurmi? Never more than five. Carl Lewis? An ordinary four. We laugh at you, Carl Lewis. A Jewish Sports Legend you are not. And let's not forget Spitz's performance in 1968 in Mexico City, when he started his Olympic career with two golds, a silver, and a bronze, giving him a total of 11 medals from just two Olympics. Leaflet? You need more than a leaflet to deal with Spitz alone; ""Famous Jewish Sports Legends"" needs to be at least a pamphlet. Take that, Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker.","Jew","Sandy Koufax| Jason Lezak| Michael Phelps| Dara Torres| Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker"
132,"Gene Simmons",10,5,2,3,"We're not wondering if Gene Simmons is Jewish. We just want to know one thing. What was this guy's bar mitzvah like? Did his make-up include a yarmulke and peas? Did he breathe fire during the silent prayer? Did he spit blood as part of his haftorah? Who knows? But, regardless, it had to be one heck of a show.","Jew","Alice Cooper| Ozzy Osbourne| David Lee Roth| Dee Snider| Paul Stanley"
133,"Marcel Marceau",13,5,3,5,"You will be hard-pressed to find people who admit they like mimes. There is something creepy, if not sinister, about someone standing on a street corner, their face painted white, trying to pull an invisible rope or trying to get out of an invisible box. No, mimes are not exactly our cup of tea. So why do we give Marcel Marceau such a high Kvell Score? It turns out there is more to Marceau than just his character Bip. Forced to flee France during World War II, he joined the French Resistance and worked as a liaison with the American army. If we based our rating on that alone and ignored the creepy mime getup, we would be more than proud to have him. And you know what? Even with the whole mime thing, we're proud to have him anyway. If we're to have a mime in the tribe, why not the most famous mime in the world, the one who, if not invented, then redefined the genre? That said, don't expect us to start a ""Mimes"" category.","Jew","Charlie Chaplin| Alejandro Jodorowsky| Jerry Lewis| Sophie Marceau| Nicolas Sarkozy"
134,"Kenny G",9,4,3,2,"Imagine, if you will, that you had a roommate in college. And let's pretend that you did not necessarily get along with that randomly-assigned roommate. And suppose, in that fantasy world, that the animosity ran so strong that the roommate moved out after three months, and you didn't have a happier day your entire freshman year. It could have happened. And let's say, just to throw it out there, that that roommate loved Kenny G. So the three months you spent in the same room with that person, were spent with the rhythmic sounds of the sax and flute, rhythmic sounds you thought were reserved for office elevators. So when you find out that Kenny G is Jewish, you blame your roommate. You blame him for turning you off from Mr. Kenneth Gorelick, from making you hate an acclaimed musician, who, without that roommate's influence, could have taken a place in your own personal hall of fame of Jewish American music legends. Or not. Because face it, it is elevator music. If you could imagine that.","Sadly, a Jew","Michael Bolton| Josh Groban| Billy Joel| Jennifer Jason Leigh| Barry Manilow"
135,"Stephen Colbert",7,1,1,5,"Truthiness: something one claims to know intuitively without regard to evidence, logic, intellectual examination, or actual facts. So what happens when Colbert, on his show, gets his DNA examined and the researcher proclaims that there is 3/4 chance that Stephen has Jewish ancestry? Colbert cuts him off without ever finding the truth. But we don't need the truth, when we got your truthiness right here, Stephen. Let JONJ be the first website to proclaim that Stephen Colbert, Irish Catholic, the youngest of 11 children, is really a Jew. Who needs evidence, logic, intellectual examination, or actual facts? This is not what truthiness is all about! The 3/4 chance that Colbert's great-great-great-great-great-grandfather might have been a Jew? Good enough for us. Stephen Colbert: Higher Jew Score than Jesus. Ah, who are we kidding.","Sadly, Not a Jew","Lewis Black| Steve Carell| David Letterman| Bill Maher| Jon Stewart"
136,"Judas Iscariot",9,5,3,1,"What profile on our website brings out the most passion in our readers? Which profile leads to most hate mail? That of Jesus. Somehow, the goyim are not exactly pleased with our take on the character. G-d knows why. Well, that was written months ago, and we've yet to profile another biblical figure. And that's not because of the hate mail; it's just that the Jews in the Old Testament are all obviously obvious, and our knowledge of the New Testament is understandably lacking. But one biblical character just begs to be profiled. Judas. Good old Judas... Good old Judas? Well, obviously not, if you are a goy, and also not, if you're Jewish. In fact, some scholars believe that the similarity between his name and the word for ""Jews"" contributed to the rise of antisemitism. And further than that, was he even real? Where does the truth end and the myth begin? Was Judas made up, an allegory for the creation of Christianity? Was he designed to represent all Jews as greedy traitors? We wouldn't put it past Christians to do something like that. In fact, we expect them to. We don't pretend to be Biblical scholars. We don't pretend to understand the New Testament. We just run our little website. And we expect at least one hate mail from this profile.","Borderline Jew","Barabbas| Jesus Christ| Lazarus| Saint Matthias| Saint Peter"
137,"Sean Penn",8,3,2,3,"A year ago today, August 30, 2006, two Jews with nothing better to do started this very website. We began with Lenin and Chaplin, then moved on a day later to Madonna. 136 profiles later, we're still kicking| surprising to even ourselves. So on this, the one-year anniversary, we wanted to come up with someone special. But then we got busy. Or sick. Or a little of both. Ah, but how can we let work or illness stop us on this special day? So let us hark back to one of our first profiles, Madonna, and talk about her former hubby, Sean Penn. Sean Penn? Jewish? Yes! With a name like Sean Penn, one would assume him to be Irish Catholic, but that's only on his mother's side. On the father's, not only were Sean's grandparents Jewish immigrants who ran a Jewish bakery, his great-grandparents were rabbis. So what that the last name sounds goyishe? So what that Sean was raised secular and is now agnostic? He's got more than enough Jew in him for this anniversary profile. And definitely more than Madonna.","Borderline Jew","Michael Douglas| Paul Giamatti| Scarlett Johansson| Madonna| Harvey Milk"
138,"Jack Ruby",9,5,3,1,"How does one get to be profiled on this website? There is no formula. Sometimes, it's our amazement that someone is Jewish. Sometimes, it's our love for obscurity or randomness. Sometimes, it's career of achievement. For Jack Ruby, a career of achievement it's not. One act, the act of killing Lee Harvey Oswald, whose one act was the killing of John F. Kennedy, one act gets the former Jacob Rubinstein profiled on JONJ. One act, and one phrase. Ruby said that he killed Oswald to show the world that ""Jews have guts"". Let us think about that. Does hiding in a crowd of reporters and shooting someone from close range shows that he, or the people he supposedly represents, have guts? Is killing a supposed presidential assassin an act of valor, or an act of cowardice? Or (and let's not get into conspiracy theories again), was there much more to the act than what appeared on the surface? Still, a murderer is a murderer. One act or many.","Sadly, a Jew","John Wilkes Booth| Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis| Gavrilo Princip| Barney Ross| Abraham Zapruder"
139,"Leonardo da Vinci",7,1,1,5,"Leonardo da Vinci is now more popular than ever. Thanks to a best-selling book, and the millions of controversies and explanations that it spawned, the man has risen to an iconoclastic, mystical, legendary status. That said, what's he doing on this website? With such a high Jew Score? Well, there is evidence that old Leo was half Jewish; his mother might have been a Russian Jew, an immigrant or possibly a slave. And although that theory might or might not hold water, it definitely makes Leo more than a viable candidate for JONJ. Moreover, there is supposedly Jewish symbolism in his art. That said, with the scrutiny his work has taken over the years, we're pretty sure one can find Eskimo symbolism, if they tried hard enough. That fish bone on the table in ""The Last Supper""? Eskimo! But we digress. Which leaves us at the Jew Score and verdict. Can we trust the theory? Can we put faith in symbolism? Does that make him at least ""Barely a Jew""? What's this? There are now theories that his mother might have possibly been an Arab? Oh, why can't we just let sleeping dogs lie...","Sadly, Not a Jew","Christopher Columbus| Michel de Montaigne| Nostradamus| Pythagoras| Rembrandt"
140,"Neil Diamond",10,4,3,3,"Neil Diamond is known as the Jewish Elvis. He is one of the best-selling artists of all time. He is supposed to be an observant Jew who attends synagogue ""on the serious holidays"". So why can't he crack double digits on his Jew Score? It has everything to do with his Christmas Album. That's right, a supposed observant Jew released something called ""The Christmas Album"". How does that make any sense? Why did you do that, Neil? Was it for your love of Christmas? Unlikely. Admit it, you did it for the money. The money you can make off the goyim, who are more than happy to celebrate their great holiday by giving you $15 of their hard-earned dollars. Then, another $15 for ""The Christmas Album, Volume 2"". That's right, there was a Volume 2. And did you stop there? No, no, no. ""A Cherry Cherry Christmas"". Three Christmas albums. Three! Sorry, Neil. You can take your Christmas albums and shove them. The last thing we need is a sell-out, no matter how observant he claims to be. Besides, Elvis' reverence for Jews is well documented. Why do we need to settle for a lesser, even if Jewish, version?","Jew","Michael Bolton| Norman Greenbaum| Elvis Presley| Barbra Streisand| Mel Torme"
141,"Fred Savage",10,4,3,3,"You had us all fooled, Kevin Arnold. Here you were, the prototypical American kid, with your ""Wonder Years"", your Christmas parties, your blond family, and your stereotypical Jewish friend. You were the personification of American innocence, of American youth, of American suburbia. And we were all so fooled. For who could have guessed that between the WASPy Kevin Arnold and the oh-so-Jewish Paul Pfeiffer (Josh Saviano), it was Savage who is a bigger Jew. Saviano, as we discussed in the Marilyn Manson profile (of all places), is actually only half-Jewish, while Savage attended temple, was bar mitzvahed, and participated in Hillel at college. So much for WASPiness. Just another example why you can't trust everything you see in sitcoms. What's next, we're gonna find out Alyssa Milano is Jewish? Hmmmm. We wouldn't mind that at all...","Jew","Peter Falk| Mandy Patinkin| Josh Saviano| David Schwimmer| Daniel Stern"
142,"Frankenstein",2,0,1,1,"According to Jewish law, one is Jewish if his or her mother is so. It doesn't matter if the father is Jewish, half-Jewish, Swiss, half-Swiss, or even alien. As long as the mother is a Jew, that's all that matters. But what if someone doesn't have a mother? Impossible, you say? Well, in the real world, obviously so (until the Earth is taken over by an army of robots, but why would we ever discuss that), but in fiction, that possibility is open. So we present you Frankenstein, or, more specifically, Frankenstein's Monster. Motherless. But Jewish? For if there is no mother, we have to look at the father, and for surely, Dr. Frankenstein (DOCTOR! FrankenSTEIN!) must have been a Jew, which would make the fabled monster one of our own! Alas. As we've discovered before, a last name is not enough proof, even for fictional characters. For there is nothing to suggest, other than that name, that Dr. Victor Frankenstein, son of Alphonse Frankenstein and Caroline Beaufort Frankenstein, was Jewish. In fact, he was Swiss. Which would make the Monster Swiss as well. And that's perfectly fine with us. Seriously, who needs Frankenstein's Monster, when we already have The Golem?","Not a Jew","Dracula| Golem| Herman Munster| Frankie Stein| The Wolfman"
143,"Severus Snape",7,1,3,3,"Warning: this profile will definitely contain spoilers. Confession: we love ""Harry Potter"" here at JONJ. We devoured Books 1 through 6, waited impatiently for 7, and then engulfed ourselves, for sadly the last time, in the world of magic and wonder. Yes, we're no longer teenagers. Yes, we have significant others. And mortgages. Stupid confession. So, are there any Jewish characters in ""Harry Potter""? For J.K. Rowling certainly makes sure to include different ethnic groups, from Indians to blacks. But Jews? Surely, there must be a Moishe or Schlomo among Harry's friends. Sadly, no. There's only background character Anthony Goldstein, who is about as interesting as a Crumple-Horned Snorkack. So we'll pass. However... there are theories out there that Severus Snape is a Jewish stereotype: hooked nose, greasy dark hair, probing black eyes, mysterious and untrustworthy. We're just not buying it. If anything, Snape is the stereotype of a horrible teacher. And if you find something Jewish in his description, you're either overanalyzing, or have to modify your views of Jews, or both. And then again, seeing how Book 7 ends, we wouldn't mind that much to have him...","Not a Jew","Porpentina Goldstein| Hermione Granger| Jason Isaacs| Daniel Radcliffe| Alan Rickman"
144,"Daniel Handler",11,4,3,4,"Unfortunately, J.K. Rowling isn't the most Jew-friendly children's writer. At least she isn't openly hostile like the devastatingly antisemitic Roald Dahl. Still, it would be nice to have a landsman among the suddenly well-fed children's book masses. Thankfully, Lemony Snicket and his ""Series of Unfortunate Events"" are here to save your little mensch's day. Because, unfortunately, while there is no Biblical precedent for the name Lemony, it turns out it's just a nom-de-plume. The author's real name is Daniel Handler, and he is, in fact, a Jew. Now it is unfortunate that those of us at JONJ haven't read the books, or seen the unfortunately supposed mediocre film. But based on the buzz surrounding the series and the casual glances at the texts during spare moments at the bookstore we're generally predisposed towards him and his delightfully dark books. Unfortunately he's no J.K., but we still think we're fortunate to have him.","Jew","The Baudelaires| Maurice Sendak| Donald Sobol| R. L. Stine| Chris Van Allsburg"
145,"Max Zaslofsky",12,5,4,3,"If you browse our Athletes category on the left, you'll see that we have quite a few sports represented. There's no shortage of baseball and soccer players. We have Olympians in various sports. Our football roster might be, at this point, just rumored Jews, but it's not like it would be difficult for us to come up with a few real ones. Even hockey is represented. Not so with basketball. We don't want to go with some obvious Jew, and profile some Israeli no one has heard of. We do not want, at this point, to profile someone like Larry Brown or Red Auerbach, who were much more famous as coaches. We want to profile a Jewish basketball player. It shouldn't be so hard. But it is. Strange, because basketball developed in America as a Jewish sport. However, by the time it became professional, most Jews have moved on. And then we found Max Zaslofsky. Before Wilt Chamberlain, Michael Jordan, and Shaquille O'Neal, there was Zaslofsky. Playing for the Chicago Stags, he led the BAA in scoring in 1948 and was named first-team all-league four straight times. He ended his career as the third leading scorer of all-time. And we've never heard of him until doing our research yesterday. Let's face it, we're just not big basketball fans. Even if it once was a Jewish sport.","Jew","Red Auerbach| Larry Brown| Wilt Chamberlain| Lawrence Frank| Dolph Schayes"
146,"Boris Becker",6,1,1,4,"Boris Becker looks like a perfect Aryan specimen. Blond hair, blue eyes. Legendary athlete. Champion. If one was to write an encyclopedia entry on Germans, with a photo attached, Becker would be a perfect candidate. You probably see where this is going. After all these profiles, you know what the above paragraph leads to. Something is not what it seems in Beckerland. There must be some Jew in him! Not exactly. Becker is only half-German. The other half comes from his mother, a Czech, who was raised Catholic, but does have Jewish family members. How exactly those are related to Becker is not clear. And obviously, Boris himself doesn't consider himself a Jew... Well, at least he is not full Aryan?","Not a Jew","Mardy Fish| Oliver Kahn| Lothar Matthaus| Pete Sampras| Denis Shapovalov"
147,"Elaine Benes",6,1,2,3,"Elaine Benes introduced America to the word ""shiksappeal"". Which obviously means that she is not Jewish. One minor problem. Julia Louis-Dreyfus, the actress that played Elaine, clearly has Jewish heritage; if we were profiling her, the Jew Score would definitely be high. But we're not. We're profiling Elaine. Now, even though the stars of the show are Jewish themselves, have Jewish heritage (Louis-Dreyfus), or pretend to be Jewish (Michael Richards), only the Jerry Seinfeld character was overtly Jewish on the show (as previously discussed, Costanza was a covert Jew. Duh). So where were we... Oh yes, Elaine. Brought up Catholic. Celebrates Christmas. Specifically states that she is not Jewish in one episode. But look at her! Somebody who looks like Louis-Dreyfus can't be anything but a Jew! And she's definitely neurotic! And a terrible dancer! And look at this exclamation point! Here! And here! And here! Sadly, no amount of exclamation points can salvage Elaine. Maybe wanting her to be a Jew is simply... shiksappeal.","Not a Jew","Estelle Costanza| George Costanza| Carol Leifer| Julia Louis-Dreyfus| Selina Meyer"
148,"Pete Sampras",8,2,1,5,"Michael Jordan? Nope. Tiger Woods? Ummm... no. Babe Ruth, Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds? No. No. No. Same goes for Wayne Gretzky, Pele, Joe Montana, Lawrence Taylor, and Walter Payton. Basketball, golf, baseball, hockey, soccer, football. The greatest to play their respective sports and there's not a Jew among them. But tennis? Tennis is a different story. Because while Pete Sampras may only be 1/4 Jewish, that's more than enough for us. Who cares if he's never been to synagogue? His multiple trips to the winner's circle more than make up for it. Tell your friends. A Jew is the Greatest Tennis Player Ever. What's that? Roger Federer? Never heard of him.","Barely a Jew","Boris Becker| Nicolas Massu| Rafael Nadal| Dick Savitt| Vic Seixas"
149,"Harry Houdini",14,5,4,5,"If you think of Renaissance Men, you might think of Leonardo da Vinci. But why not Harry Houdini? Escape artist extraordinaire. Exposer of charlatans. Silent movie star. Magazine publisher. Pioneer aviator. Jew. That's right, Harry Houdini, the man whose name became synonymous with magic, was really Ehrich Weiss, a Hungarian immigrant, and a son of a rabbi. So as far as Renaissance Men go, we might not have Leonardo, but we definitely got Houdini. Not bad at all!","Jew","David Blaine| David Copperfield| Leonardo da Vinci| Joe Hayman| Alexander Herrmann"
150,"Lennie Friedman",9,4,2,3,"If you were going to imagine a Jewish football player, what position would he play? Of course, Jews can play anywhere, be anyone, but if you were thinking in a stereotypical sense, what would you choose? Quarterback, with the image of the Jewish intellectual certainly fits, but there's only two right now. Hard to picture a Jewish running back or wide receiver. And just about any position on defense seems to require a certain viciousness not commonly associated with Moishes and Mordecais. Which leaves us with only one choice. Offensive Lineman. And wouldn't you know it, there's actually a good number of them. Including the large mensch pictured here, currently with the Cleveland Browns, former Viking Mike Rosenthal, and several others. Yes, it may be hard to picture such a lumbering lineman as a landsman, but apparently it's where we belong. Protecting the better known, goyishe quarterback from getting thrown down on his little toosh and hurting himself. No, it's not glamorous, but it's admirable. So it kind of fits in a weird way. If you squint really hard. Kind of. Oh, and punter Josh Miller is also Jewish. So there ya go.","Jew","Gabe Carimi| Jay Fiedler| Ali Marpet| Ed Newman| Geoff and Mitchell Schwartz"
151,"Ben Stein",12,5,5,2,"We used to really like Ben Stein. From ""Ferris Bueller"" to ""The Wonder Years"" to ""Win Ben Stein's Money"", the one-time Nixon speechwriter turned himself into quite a Renaissance man. But why on earth is he the front man for the Christian fundamentalist movie ""Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed""? Sure, Ben can have his beliefs. Creationism might be illogical on every level, but he is free to believe what he wants. And he can use his celebrity to spread his message. G-d knows he won't be the first. But... Christian fundamentalists? Really? We gotta draw the line here. Sorry, Ben. Your score, which we originally thought was going to be really high, is gonna take a hit. Call us when your next movie is a Ferris Bueller sequel, maybe we'll reconsider.","Jew","Matthew Broderick| Fred Flintstone| Henry Kissinger| Jon Stewart| Peter Tomarken"
152,"Jerry Haleva",8,5,1,2,"Hide the woman and children. The man pictured on the left is Jewish. Say what? OK, so Saddam Hussein is not Jewish. But the man pictured is not Saddam. It's Jerry Haleva, the actor who portrays Hussein in movies, and he is in fact a Jew. Just look at his complete filmography: Hot Shots! .... Saddam Hussein Hot Shots! Part Deux (1993) .... Saddam Hussein The Big Lebowski (1998) .... Saddam Hussein Jane Austen's Mafia! (1998) .... Saddam Hussein The First $20 Million Is Always the Hardest (2002) .... Hologram Saddam Live from Baghdad (2002) .... Saddam Hussein Talk about typecasting. We do wonder about a couple of things: how does someone who considers himself a Jewish activist reconcile playing Hussein, and how much of a stretch was it to play Hologram Saddam? What's next, we'll find out that Bobby Watson is Jewish? Feel free to look him up.","Jew","Joel and Ethan Coen| Lorna Patterson| Walter Sobchak| Erich von Stroheim| Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker"
153,"The Grinch",3,0,2,1,"You're a strange one, Mr. Grinch. But are you a Jew? Certainly we at JONJ can empathize with the hatred of Christmas. The incessant music, the insipid movies, the giving of gifts to millions of people who are not us... But whether or not we embrace the Grinch's evil scheme, does not determine the Grinch's Jewishness. No, we must look to the Grinch himself, where fortuitously, we find the evidence is slim to none. For instance, he doesn't decry Whoville's celebrations for interrupting Chanukah. Nor does he wear a yarmulke or attend shul. And if being covered in green fur is a stereotype, well, we've certainly never heard of it (let alone seen it, thank G-d). So, it appears the Grinch is not Jewish. Merely someone who hates Christmas. And that's something that we can all agree upon. Right?","Not a Jew","Santa Claus| Linda Lingle| Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer| Ebenezer Scrooge| Dr. Seuss"
154,"Sheldon Adelson",11,4,5,2,"Today, JONJ is on a quest. We are gonna try to find out who is the world's richest Jew. No peeking! For that, we will go down the list of the world's richest people, until we hit a Jew. Should be easy enough. #1. Bill Gates. 56 billion. Not a Jew. #2. Warren Buffett. 52 billion. Not a Jew. #3. Carlos Slim Helu. 49 billion. Mexican. We're willing to bet that no one named Carlos has ever been a Jew. This one isn't either. #4. Ingvar Kamprad. 33 billion. Swedish. Joined a pro-Nazi group during World War II. Says he regrets it. We own some of his furniture. Not a Jew. #5. Lakshmi Mittal. 32 billion. Indian. Do we even have to look it up? Not a Jew. #6. Sheldon Adelson. 26.5 billion. What's that... Jew? Yes! So now it's time to dig through the family records and find out if we're related. Uncle Sheldy? The dream can't be that far-fetched, right?","Jew","Warren Buffett| Larry Ellison| Bill Gates| John D. Rockefeller| Steve Wynn"
155,"Sue Bird",10,3,2,5,"Now HERE'S the Jewish women's basketball player. Our Rebecca Lobo flub was clearly the result of too many late night pastrami binges. After all, how can one confuse the wonderfully named Ms. Lobo with the also wonderfully named Ms. Bird? Of course, there's tradeoffs. Sue's only half Jewish, thanks to her father. She's an Israeli citizen, but only to circumvent Russian basketball's stringent foreigner requirements for team rosters. But she is sort of a Jew. Here's to that.","Borderline Jew","Alysha Clark| Natisha Hiedeman| Nancy Lieberman| Rebecca Lobo| Debbie Rademacher"
156,"Rebecca Lobo",7,2,1,4,"This profile was originally written in 2007. It spoke of our mistake. For whatever reason, we assumed that basketball player, Olympic champion, Rebecca Lobo was Jewish. It turns out she wasn't: part Cuban, Polish, German, and Irish. So we lamented our mistake and said that no Jewish woman grows to 6'4"". Turns out... no mistake was made! No, Rebecca is not exactly a Jew. However, recent DNA research has uncovered that she is, in fact, 1/8 Jewish. So this profile had to be changed. The verdict had to be changed. The Jew Score had to be changed. We'll keep the ending: What Jewish woman grows to 6'4""?","Barely a Jew","Sue Bird| Natisha Hiedeman| Nancy Lieberman| Keith Olbermann| Morgan Pressel"
157,"Sarah Michelle Gellar",10,4,2,4,"What's in a middle name? How often do you mention yours? If you are like us, that middle name stays neatly tucked in in the back of our mind, only appearing on special occasions. We're Jews, after all. No Anne Maries, Bobby Jos, or Mary Janes here. Take a random Jew... Let's say Steve Guttenberg. An obviously Jewish name. But what if the cover of your ""Short Circuit"" DVD said ""Steven Robert Guttenberg""? You'd start to wonder, right? ""Steven Robert""... Sounds a bit goyishe. Same goes for Benjamin Edward Stiller, Adam Richard Sandler, and many others. Those many others include Sarah Michelle Gellar, whose middle name had us fooled. Take it away, and you're left with Sarah Gellar. Talk about a heeb! But add that Michelle, and our shiksa alarm starts going off. Seriously, what Jews use their middle names?","Jew","Daphne Blake| Steve Guttenberg| Jennifer Love Hewitt| Sarah Jessica Parker| Freddie Prinze Jr."
158,"Cindy Margolis",9,4,2,3,"You might have noticed a small change on JONJ today. The Businessmen category, which contains a motley crew from all walks of life, from Russian billionaires, to gangsters, to infomercial salesmen, to hockey commissioners, has been renamed. It is now called ""Businesspeople"". For Cindy Margolis, our subject today, is a BusinessWOMAN. No, not a typical businesswoman, but one who propelled herself from obscurity to being named the ""Queen of the Internet"" and landing in the Guinness Book of World Records as the most-downloaded person. And that ""Queen of the Internet"" is Jewish. A little unexpected, of course, but not completely. We all know that Jewish parents try to instill their offspring with a certain work ethic and determination. It's just that in this case, they also instilled Cindy with 34D-25-37 measurements.","Jew","Pamela Anderson| Samantha Fox| Ellen Michaels| Irene Rosenfeld| Nikki Ziering"
159,"Stan Lee",12,4,4,4,"Hello there True Believers! It's your friendly neighborhood Jew, Stan Lee| co-creator of such monumental mainstays as the Fantastic Four, Spider-Man, the Incredible Hulk, the X-Men, and Stripperella. OK, maybe not the last one. But regardless, there's no doubting that Stan is an absolute comics titan, ushering in the Marvel era of comics in the 1960s with three-dimensional characters who, while 4 colors in appearance, were anything but in personality and scope. What's more, unlike many of his peers Stan's been recognized during his lifetime and is fairly well known in the mainstream media, a continual positive influence on the medium he helped succor. If there's such a thing as a superstar comics creator, Lee is it. Sure he's done a pretty good job of screwing over his creative partners Steve Ditko (Spidey, not Jewish) and Jack Kirby (Fantastic Four, Jewish) by omission. And his mental faculties have been called into question in the last decade or so (see also, Stripperella). But none of that changes the fact that every single person who is even peripherally involved with comics or the American icons contained within needs to get down on their knees and say a healthy thank you to one Amazing Jew — Stan Lee. 'Nuff Said.","Jew","Iceman| Jack Kirby| Magneto| Peter Parker| The Thing"
160,"Frida Kahlo",9,1,3,5,"One sometimes hears of Jews hiding their real identity and pretending to be someone else. While we will never be in favor of the practice, sometimes it's understandable, and some situations even make it justifiable. What you never hear about is someone pretending to be Jewish. Until we found out about Mexican artist Frida Kahlo, she of the self-portraits, the bisexuality, the unibrow, the love affair with Leon Trotsky, and the overdose. According to Kahlo, her father was a Hungarian Jew. But according to researchers who traced her lineage back to the 16th century, that was hardly the case. Kahlo's father was not Jewish, he was a goyishe German. It seems that Frida wanted to dissociate herself from Germany and its Nazi regime and therefore decided to pick something completely opposite from her real heritage. And we can't blame her, really. Of course, the desire to appear Jewish doesn't make one so. But we can understand why someone would want in. We ARE the chosen people, after all.","Sadly, Not a Jew","Sonia Delaunay| Philip Guston| Diego Rivera| Leon Trotsky| Pancho Villa"
161,"Jonas Salk",15,5,5,5,"Today on JONJ, we're set to correct an injustice. An injustice that occurred in 1955, years before we were born. An injustice that was the Nobel Prize for Medicine for that year. We have nothing against Axel Hugo Theodor Theorell per se. We're sure he was a brilliant enough guy, and his work on the ""nature and mode of action of oxidation enzymes"" must have been vitally important. And he was Swedish. And used to head the Nobel Institute. Talk about home-field advantage. For you see, those oxidation enzymes might be swell and all, but in 1955, Jewish American Jonas Salk developed the vaccine for polio. We're not really sure what oxidation enzymes do. They're probably somewhat important on some level. But we're willing to bet that the discovery of their ""nature and mode of action"" saved a lot less lives and had a lot less effect on the world than Salk's invention. It's a small consolation, of course, but we hereby award Jonas Salk with only the sixth perfect score in JONJ history. It might not carry the million-dollar prize with it like Nobel does, and it might not have any weight outside this website. But we can't think of a worthier candidate.","Jew","Ernst Chain| Karl Landsteiner| Lise Meitner| Dmitry Mendeleev| Albert Sabin"
162,"Max Factor",12,5,3,4,"""Max Factor"" sure sounds like a cool brand name. Max Factor! It's edgy! It's hip! And it's perfect for the world of cosmetics; one wonders how many hours in front of focus groups were spent to come up with a name that fits so well. One small problem. Max Factor is not a name made up by focus groups. It's a person, as in Max Factor. Well, Max Faktorowicz. A Polish Jewish cosmetologist who was lured by the bright lights of Hollywood a century ago. And did Hollywood ever need cosmetics! It was a perfect match. So perfect that after Max passed away, his son, Frank, renamed himself as Max Factor, Jr. If only all Jewish names were as edgy and hip... Paging Moishe Maybelline?","Jew","Estee Lauder| Ralph Lauren| Helena Rubinstein| Vidal Sassoon| Jaclyn Smith"
163,"Goldie Hawn",10,3,3,4,"As if you couldn't tell, we take great interest in names here at JONJ. Take Goldie Hawn, for instance. That last name sounds pretty goyishe, doesn't it? It certainly is: Goldie got it from her gentile father. But that first name... Oh, it's as Jewish as it gets! You don't see many Goldies running around anymore, but we're pretty sure that if you are part of the Tribe, you probably have a great-grandmother with that name. Maybe even two. And when you climb up that family tree an extra level or a couple, you're bound to be bombarded with a few more Goldies. Interesting image. As for Goldie herself, she used to consider herself a Jewish Buddhist, but now is back to plain old Jew. Just the way we like it. And we'll discount the rumors that her name at birth was Studlendgehawn. Sadly, that name is completely fake, or we would have taken great interest in that...","Jew","Richard Gere| Lee Grant| Kate Hudson| Steve Martin| Vidal Sassoon"
164,"Michael Bolton",8,4,2,2,"Samir: No one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. It's not that hard: Samir Na-gheen-an-a-jar. Nagheenanajar. Michael: Yeah, well at least your name isn't Michael Bolton. Samir: You know there's nothing wrong with that name. Michael: There was nothing wrong with it... until I was about 12 years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys. Sadly for him, the character in ""Office Space"" has to share his name with Michael Bolton. But he's fictional; we're not too worried about him. Sadly for us, we have to share our Jewishness with Michael Bolton. Ugh. Well, at least he has trimmed his mullet. We guess that's a start. He still has to work on that no-talent ass clown thing, though.","Sadly, a Jew","Daryl Hall| Billy Joel| Kenny G| Barry Manilow| Ozzy Osbourne"
165,"The Three Stooges",12,5,3,4,"The Stooges have always been sold as part of the mainstream, red-blooded American male culture. So it's not surprising that those of us at JONJ have little interest in them. After all, we are neither mainstream nor pure blooded American. But what WOULD surprise the afore-mentioned mainstream, red-blooded American males about their oh-so-beloved Stooges? All Jews. Just think, these three schlemiels who tear at each others' eyes, engage in juvenile schadenfraude, and perform pratfalls for our supposed entertainment are Jews. Famous Jews. Popular Jews. Beloved Jews. So what if we don't find them to be funny Jews? The rest of the country seems to. And we're nothing if not willing to bow to popular opinion. Even if it's about three meshuggenahs named Larry, Moe and Curly. And yes, even Shemp. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk","Jew","Charlie Chaplin| Daffy Duck| Marx Brothers| Warner Bros| Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker"
166,"Sage Rosenfels",7,3,2,2,"As we've explored earlier, there definitely are Jewish football players. But there are not that many Jewish quarterbacks. Ben Roethlisberger and Rex Grossman, both rumored to be Jewish, turned out not to be, as you can read in their profiles. So we're left with Jay Fiedler, who was so average that we haven't gotten to profiling him yet. But wait... What's this? Sage Rosenfels is a Jew? The once unknown third stringer who is currently winning games for Houston! All hail our first Hebrew signal caller! We're gonna have to slow down here. For you see, only Rosenfels' father is Jewish. And Sage is letting his wife to raise their kids Christian. Lame. For we were so ready to embrace him. That's not happening now. You weren't even that good in the first place, Sage. Just a glorified third stringer. At this rate, we'll end up profiling Jay Fiedler sooner rather than later.","Borderline Jew","Jay Fiedler| Rex Grossman| Sid Luckman| Ben Roethlisberger| Josh Rosen"
167,"Wolf Blitzer",11,4,3,4,"As we've discussed numerous times before, Jews often change their names to sound more gentile. We're not necessarily fans of that practice, but... it is what it is. Not so with Wolf Blitzer. Oh yes, he is indeed Jewish and Wolf Blitzer is in fact his real name. But did you know that in the 1970s, Blitzer wrote for newspapers under the alias Ze'ev Barak, the translation of his name into Hebrew? Of course, when he moved to television, Ze'ev was put to rest and Wolf was back to being Wolf. But we definitely can't blame him for trying!","Jew","John King| Larry King| Morley Safer| Warner Wolf| Paula Zahn"
168,"David Cone",6,1,2,3,"Just to be clear, we love David Cone. He's everything you want a professional athlete to be. Talented. Hardworking. Dedicated. A teammate and leader who is every bit deserving and accepting of a fan's adoration. Except for the whole public masturbation accusation thing. But that was never proved, so we can pretend it didn't happen. Right? Anyway you can see that we'd be more than partial to checking off Coney's name in the ol' Jew column. Except we can't. Because he isn't. Yes, yes the name David Cone sure sounds Jewish. Hashem knows, all it would take is one stupid little H in his last name and we'd be in Hebrew Heaven. But as it stands, there is not. Nor is there any evidence, online or otherwise, that David Cone has even a drop of mustard flowing through his mayonnaise veins. No clandestine bar mitzvahs. No teary grandparent confessions. Gornisht. So yeah, we're disappointed. But he's not a Jew and no amount of pretending that there was a name change by some long lost great grampa Cohn is gonna make it so. Sorry. It's time to move on.","Not a Jew","David Eckstein| Pee-Wee Herman| Mike Mussina| Art Shamsky| George Steinbrenner"
169,"Gottfried Fuchs",12,5,3,4,"Sometimes, we like to go the obscure route on JONJ. Today is one of these days. Who is Gottfried Fuchs, you ask? A German soccer player. So what's a German soccer player doing on this website? Well, for one, Fuchs was Jewish, and to profile a Jewish German athlete is an obscure rarity in itself. Understandably, Fuchs left Germany because of the Holocaust and settled in Canada. But there's more to Fuchs than that. As you probably know, soccer is a pretty low-scoring game. A hat-trick, or three goals by a single player in a match, is pretty rare. Here in New Jersey, we still remember fondly the night in 2000 when Clint Mathis scored five. Well, Gottfried scored more than five. You see, Gottfried is one of only three people in the history of soccer to score TEN goals in an international match. He did it against Russia at the 1912 Olympics. If you are curious, the other two were Denmark's Sophus Nielsen, who put ten past France in 1908, and Australia's Archie Thompson, who scored 13 against American Samoa in 2001. Of course, neither of those two is Jewish. But Fuchs was. Even if he is so... obscure.","Jew","Bela Guttmann| Eddy Hamel| Lothar Matthaus| Mikhail Romm| Alfred Schaffer"
170,"Jerry Orbach",8,3,2,3,"Jerry Orbach, the actor, was raised Catholic but is half Jewish on his father's side. Lenny Briscoe, the character Jerry Orbach played on Law and Order and the part he is probably most recognized for, is Jewish. Or at least is identified as a Jew when it is convenient for the plot to have a character display anti-semitism. So just to be clear. The man we are profiling today, Jerry Orbach, is kinda-sorta-in-a-contrived-way Jewish. The man we are not profiling today, the fictional character Lenny Briscoe who in many people's minds may as well be Jerry Orbach IS Jewish (sometimes). Got it?","Barely a Jew","Richard Belzer| Dennis Franz| Martin Landau| Sam Waterston| Dick Wolf"
171,"River Phoenix",7,3,1,3,"What if River Phoenix had a chance to be a Jew? You see, River's mother, a Jew, met his father while hitchhiking, and together they joined the very non-Jewish Children of God, into which River was born. Later, they left the cult, and River got an acting job, and quickly rose to prominence. All that before meeting an untimely demise after a drug overdose. But what if, instead of joining the cult, his parents settled into a regular Jewish home? Then River could have attended Hebrew school, spun the dreidel, and gotten bar mitzvahed. And perhaps he wouldn't have become famous at such a young age. Perhaps he wouldn't have become an actor; he could have been a doctor, or a lawyer, or whatever profession your typical Jewish family sees fit for its offspring. Most importantly, perhaps he wouldn't have been dead at 23. There are just too many perhaps.","Borderline Jew","Jonathan Brandis| Harrison Ford| Joaquin Phoenix| Hillel Slovak| Stu Ungar"
172,"Shia LaBeouf",7,3,2,2,"Sometimes we rewrite these profiles when new information comes through. For example, all the evidence might say that the person is not Jewish, and then| bam! — we find some reveal that the original evidence is wrong. It happens. We're not perfect, and neither are the sources out there. But in this case, we're not rewriting the profile because of any new evidence. Shia LeBeouf is still half Jewish — by birth, still bar mitzvahed. We're rewriting because of ""Indiana Jones 4"". You see, we love Indiana Jones here at JONJ. And we originally wrote the profile — before the fourth installment came out — we voiced our pleasure that the Indy mantle will be kept in Jewish hands. Now... not so much. Indy 4 didn't exactly live up to our lofty expectations. It wasn't bad (some readers are shaking their head), but it clearly wasn't up to the other three. And LaBeouf? The less said about his performance the better. But that's alright. Indiana Jones, even at its lowest, is still Indiana Jones. What? You expect us to write about ""Transformers""? (Editor's update, 2014: Shia now describes himself as a Christian. Another rewrite?...) (Editor's update, 2022: And now he is a Catholic. Whatever.)","Barely a Jew","Harrison Ford| Megan Fox| James Mangold| River Phoenix| Marion Ravenwood"
173,"Irving Berlin",13,5,3,5,"Everybody sing! I'm dreaming of a white Chanukah Just like the ones I used to know With dreidels spinning and children playing For gelt with their golden glow And I'm dreaming of a white Chanukah With every candle that I light We've eight days to be happy and bright So may all your Chanukahs be white.","Jew","George Gershwin| Ira Gershwin| Ethel Merman| Richard Rodgers| Mel Torme"
174,"Britney Spears",3,1,1,1,"Stop it, Britney. It's not funny. We Jews are usually a welcoming bunch. If someone wants to join our group, we wouldn't stand in their way. There are a few exceptions, of course... and this is one of them. You see, it turns out that not only did Britney study the Kabbalah after encouragement from Madonna, last year it was reported that she was considering converting to Judaism. Was it because she was dating a Jew, Isaac Cohen? Well, they are broken up now (please trust us, we had to look this up; we know nothing about Britney's dating history), so hopefully that thought (although it's hard to use the words ""Britney"" and ""thought"" in the same sentence) has left her head. Come on, Britney. Judaism is not a fad. There are so many other faiths you can try. Ever heard of Heaven's Gate?","Not a Jew","Christina Aguilera| Beyonce Knowles| Lindsay Lohan| Madonna| Demi Moore"
175,"Kevin Kline",8,3,1,4,"It's hard to surprise us here at JONJ. In fact, after a year and a half of running this website, we're supposed to surprise others. ""So, Mr. Spartypants, tell us who is Jewish,"" people ask. And we try to come up with someone interesting. Gwyneth Paltrow! John Kerry! Sean Penn! And people gasp, surprised. Perhaps ""gasped"" is too strong of a word. You see, for after a year and a half of running website, we've scoured the internet far and wide to see every possible published list of Jews, fake Jews, and rumored Jews. So even if we're asked about someone who we haven't profiled, we usually know the answer. So imagine our surprise, when, after seeing Kevin Kline give a magnificent performance as Cyrano de Bergerac on Broadway, we decided to look up if he was Jewish. We were so sure he was not; but it was worth a quick search. He was that good. We would have loved to claim him as one of our own. So here we are, doing just that. It turns out that Kline's father was a Jew, be it agnostic, and although Kevin's mother raised him as a Catholic, we have more than enough to claim this thespian. Sometimes it's good to be surprised.","Barely a Jew","Phoebe Cates| Douglas Fairbanks| Barbara Hershey| John Kerry| Sean Penn"
176,"Ray Lewis",1,0,0,1,"Oh, Internet, you coy, salacious dybbuk. You've managed to fool us once again. Yes, it's a wonderful little information age we're all living in, where the touch of a button can bring uncountable oodles of info to our cute little electronic boxes of joy But it may be time to accept the fact that an easily accessible and malleable informative medium may not be the ultimate and final distributor of truth. Or, put more simply, just cause Wikipedia says it, doesn't mean it's true. Forthwith, this past weekend's rumor that Ray Lewis was Jewish. Yeah, not so much. Remember mamales, just because you saw it on the Intertubes, doesn't mean it's true. Or even particularly likely. Especially if it's saying that a 6 foot, 260 pound, black professional athlete known for particularly vicious play (and, ahem, allegedly stabbing a man) is Jewish. Unless you saw it on JONJ. Then it's totally legit.","Not a Jew","Keith Bulluck| Terrell Suggs| Andre Tippett| Jimmy Wales| Reggie White"
177,"Marlon Brando",5,0,1,4,"In Judaism, a circumcision is a sacred covenant between God and the Jews. But in America today, we have lost our exclusive rights to it. No longer can you tell if someone is Jewish or not by taking a look at their schlong; one will find that many, if not most, goyishe parents will circumcise their children. Of course, this is usually done at birth for health reasons, not as a senior citizen on a whim, which is apparently what happened with Marlon Brando. The stories on when and why he did it diverge: some say he did it in his 60s, some in his 70s; some say he did it himself, and some say that he did it as part of his conversion to Judaism. And thus, in a roundabout way, his appearance on our website. It's just a rumor, as far as we can tell. There is no real evidence, circumcision or not, that Brando became a Jew late in his life. There's just a lot of conflicting stories. He sent his children to Jewish schools. He made anti-semitic comments on Larry King. He made statements lauding Jews. He made statements burying them. He likes a good bagel with lox and cream cheese. He put mayo on his brisket. Who knows? Here's what we know for sure: circumcising oneself may at one time have been a sign of Judaism. But now? More like sadism with a touch of insanity. Even if you are Marlon Brando.","Not a Jew","James Caan| Daniel Day-Lewis| Robert De Niro| Richard Dreyfuss| Larry King"
178,"Corey Feldman",9,4,4,1,"As part of JONJ's continued dedication to our long history and the Jewish community, we occasionally reprint profiles from our historical archives. Today we present Corey Feldman, published in ""Jew or Not Jew Annual '89!"" written by former staff writer Leah Goldberg. Like, I know what you're thinking and Oh! My! G-d! Yes, he's only like the cutest Corey ever and he's like totally Jewish! Why didn't anyone tell me?! Anyone who's seen him can tell he's totally super talented. He's done so many oh-so-great movies like Dream a Little Dream and License to Drive and I hear he's super-cute in Lost Boys, too, but I didn't see that one cause it's scary and I totally don't need that, y'know? My friend Stacy says he's into drugs and just a fad, but, whatever, cause she's a total ho bag anyway. Corey is just too talented and cute to let drugs ruin his career. 19 years from now when he's winning like all these Academy Awards, I'll just drive by her house in my husband's flying Mercedes and tell her 'I told you so.' So HA! If only his super cute friend Corey Haim were Jewish, too. Wait. He is!? Oh! My! G-d!","Sadly, a Jew","Jon Gosselin| Corey Haim| Cher Horowitz| Michael Jackson| Joel Schumacher"
179,"Roy Lichtenstein",11,4,3,4,"As has been previously mentioned on this site, there are not a lot of big name Jewish artists out there. Also as previously mentioned on this site, there are a lot of Jews in the comic book industry. So, why not have a big name Jewish artist who happens to use the medium of comics in his work? Ladies and gentlemen, allow us to present Roy Lichtenstein. See, sometimes it all just works out.","Jew","Rube Goldberg| Philip Guston| Jack Kirby| Yves Klein| Stan Lee"
180,"Howard Stern",9,4,3,2,"There are times and places when it's understandable for people to hide their Judaism. World War II. The former Soviet Union. The Spanish Inquisition. An annoying co-worker's daughter's bat mitzvah. ""Bat... what? We're sorry, we already have plans. We're spending that whole weekend with Jesus."" But that last example aside, America today is not the time or place to hide one's identity. We're Jewish and we're proud of it. Hell, we even run a website about it. So when we found out that Howard Stern used to tell people he was only half Jewish, we were pretty disappointed. Not just because he was denying his 100% Jewish roots, but because he made such an obvious choice for his supposed other half: Italian. Really? We expect more from you, Howard. If you're gonna make something like that up (even if you were joking), the least you can do is choose something funky. Say Albanian. Or Cherokee. Or Sikh. Heck, Greek would have been at least a little more interesting. But Italian? Come on. Even Ray Charles could see right through that. Well, nowadays Howard has backed off his lies and admits that he is fully Jewish. And we're fine with that. But for half a lie, we're gonna have to halve that K Score. Don't worry, it's still higher than if he was a real Italian.","Jew","Andrew Dice Clay| Al Franken| Al Lewis| Laura Schlessinger| Jerry Springer"
181,"Sharon Stone",5,1,1,3,"Sharon Stone says that ""she feels so neurotic that she knows what it must feel like to be Jewish"". Sorry, Sharon, but we're gonna have to call shenanigans on this one. You might support Israel and various Jewish causes, but we're gonna need a little more than that. And you definitely had your chances to raise it up a notch and embrace your supposed neuroses with a conversion. For example, when you married Michael Greenburg, a Jew. Or when you married Phil Bronstein, a Jew. Those seemed like perfect opportunities. Yet here you are, still on the other side of the fence, with no real intention to climb over. So sorry, Sharon. Until you really do something about it, you're still a shiksa. How is that for a Yiddish word?","Not a Jew","Drew Barrymore| Albert Brooks| Michael Douglas| Rachel Ticotin| Kathleen Turner"
182,"Jon Denning",8,4,2,2,"We don't get car racing here at JONJ. Frankly, if we wanted to look at things going in circles, making left turns, we'd watch clothes in our dryer. Come on t-shirt! Go get 'em underwear! And as far as car racing goes, we really don't get NASCAR. We bet we're not alone on this; it's hard to imagine any Jews watching a race from the back of their pickup truck, leaning against a gun rack, sipping a Bud. Seriously, how many Jewish NASCAR fans can there be out there? Two? Five? Well, there might not be many Jewish NASCAR fans, but there is at least one NASCAR driver. His name is Jon Denning, and no, we've never heard of him either. (As an aside, his name is homonymic to someone decisively un-Jewish we know from way back. And NASCAR's Denning comes from a town in New Jersey near where we grew up. This profile gets weirder by the minute.) So perhaps we should embrace Denning as our ambassador to the sport. From what we've read, he definitely seems proud of his roots. So who knows, maybe we'll move to South Carolina, pop open a Bud, trade our sedans for pickups, join the NRA, and climb on the NASCAR bandwagon. And we'll thank Jon Denning for showing us the way. Don't worry, we're kidding with that last paragraph. Come on, it's NASCAR we're talking about.","Jew","Francois Cevert| Peter Revson| Mauri Rose| Jody Scheckter| Lance Stroll"
183,"Fievel Mousekewitz",12,5,4,3,"If you've seen ""An American Tail"", you know the question of Fievel's Judaism seems hardly worth the discussion. His family flees Russia to escape the pogroms (instigated by cats, of course), then moves to the Lower East Side of New York to start a new life. Heck, the movie opens on Chanukah with Fievel getting his signature hat as a gift before lighting candles. This mouse is a Jew! But apparently, even all this was too subtle for the marketing wizards at McDonald's who took one look at our little murine mensch and dropped him into their Christmas campaign for 1986. Gevalt! Fievel on Christmas tree ornaments. Fievel dancing by the tree. Even Fievel in recut scenes from the movie that make it look like he has abandoned his faith for a more Sant-acular holiday. It's all just too much to bear (er, mouse). We finally get a prominent animated Jewish hero and he's converted by industrial fiat. Typical. What's next, King David's Rockin' Easter? Seriously, McDonald's, it's not like there aren't scores of goyishe rodents to choose from. You had to take ours?","Jew","deadmau5| Fat Cat| Mortimer Mouse| Pinky and the Brain| Sammy Spider"
184,"Judah P. Benjamin",10,5,3,2,"Who was Judah P. Benjamin? Not to go all Wikipedia on you, but Benjamin was a big macher with the Confederates during the Civil War. The so-called brains of the Confederacy and a confidante of President/Grand Wizard Jefferson Davis, Benjamin acted as both Secretary of War and Secretary of State during different points in the administration. He was also the second Jewish senator in the history of the US and was twice nominated to the Supreme Court (he turned it down both times). Once, when called ""an Israelite in Egyptian clothing"" on the floor of Congress, Benjamin replied, ""It is true that I am a Jew and when my ancestors were receiving their Ten Commandments from the immediate Deity... the ancestors of my opponent were herding swine in the forests of Great Britain."" Then there are the 150 slaves he owned and sold, the Lincoln assassination conspiracy rumor, the disastrous battle of Roanoke, his attempt to free slaves in exchange for military service, and a successful law career in England. In other words we are really, really, really conflicted about Judah P. Benjamin. Really. Is he a political powerhouse who chose the wrong side? Or a great historical villain? Should we be proud? Embarrassed? It's enough to make a person plotz. In fact, there's really only one thing we can say for sure:","Jew","Moses Alexander| John Wilkes Booth| Abraham Lincoln| Abraham Myers| David Levy Yulee"
185,"Kerri Strug",12,5,3,4,"As part of our epic quest for interesting Jews to profile, we found a list of Jewish Olympic medalists. And after skipping through Gaston Salmon, Montgomery ""Moe"" Herscovitch (Canada, boxing, 1920), and Baron Uberto Luigi de Morpurgo (Italy, tennis, 1924), we got to... Wait a minute. Baron Uberto Luigi de Morpurgo? A Jewish tennis champion, and a baron?! How the heck does that happen? Anyway, back to the profile. We got to Kerri Strug| the little pixie from 1996 who won the hearts of a nation and a gold medal by landing her vault on a strained foot. It made Strug the All-American girl. Make that the All-American Jewish girl. And what a Jew! Raised in a traditional Jewish household, Strug is now an active participant at her temple and in the Jewish community at large. And we really had no idea. Sure, it's not as improbable as Baron de Morpurgo, but, seriously, who could have known?","Jew","Uberto De Morpurgo| Gabby Douglas| Agnes Keleti| Aly Raisman| Julie Zetlin"
186,"Kent Brockman",8,4,2,2,"It was supposed to be an easy profile. A marginal character on ""The Simpsons"", it was revealed that the news anchor Kent Brockman changed his name from ""Kenny Brockelstein."" An obvious step for a Jew in show business, much like Woody Allen, Kirk Douglas, Larry King, and a multitude of others. So we were just going to compare Brockman to those name-altering Jews, pick some ratings and a verdict, write something vaguely pithy and move on. But then, we asked ourselves: is Brockman still Jewish? After all, Allen, Crystal and King still consider themselves Jews, name changes notwithstanding. But Brockman? (And if you're disappointed in us for putting so much thought into whether a fictional character considers themselves Jewish, you haven't been spending enough time at this website). And since Brockman is such a marginal character, how could we ever know for sure? Fortunately, there was an easy solution: had Brockman ever been shown in church? For example, Simpsons animators never put Krusty the Clown, a Jew, in church scenes. Did they treat Brockman with the same Kosher gloves? It took hundreds of hours of dedicated research, e-mails and two dead interns, but we have our answer. In at least one episode Brockman is seen in church. And, in this case, once is more than enough for us. He might have been born a Jew, he might even wear a Chai necklace now and then, but would a real Jew attend Sunday service? We don't think so. And we thought this we going to be easy.","Barely a Jew","Superintendent Chalmers| Helen Lovejoy| Harry Shearer| Guy Smiley| Milhouse Van Houten"
187,"Waldemar Haffkine",14,5,4,5,"At JONJ we've stumped for obscure athletes and comic book creators. So why not a ""savior of humanity""? A microbiologist, Waldemar Haffkine found late 1800's Russia to be way too nice for his liking and made his way to plague-ridden India. While there, Haffkine invented, tested (on himself, no less) and distributed the first cholera vaccine, eventually inoculating over 30,000 Indians without asking for even a spoonful of saag in return. Not content with that, Haffkine returned to India for round 2, this time with a vaccine for the bubonic plague, which he, again, tested on himself before distributing to the general public. And you thought only Catholics could be martyrs. Haffkine was also quite the Jew, becoming heavily involved with the Orthodox and advocating for a Jewish state in Palestine. He also suffered from anti-semitism throughout his life (we know, shocker), but never let it get in his way. In other words, Waldemar Haffkine makes most mensches look like shlemiels. He's the epitome of a great Jew. Well, except for the fact that compared to him, even comic book creators seem well-known.","Jew","Arthur Eichengrun| Mahatma Gandhi| Benjamin Rubin| Jonas Salk| Ignaz Semmelweis"
188,"Chuck Norris",4,0,1,3,"Chuck Norris can make meat kosher just by pointing at it. Chuck Norris ends the kiddush with the words ""Boo Yah."" When Chuck Norris had his bar mitzvah, the rabbi declared ""Today you are a MAN'S man."" Yes, there are many ridiculous claims on the Internet about Chuck Norris. The most unlikely one? Chuck Norris is Jewish. He's not. But he did win the Jewish Humanitarian Man of the Year Award. And while we don't know how that happened, well, it's clearly not the oddest thing to be attached to the man. We'd say more but, frankly, we're afraid he might hurt us.","Not a Jew","Charles Bronson| Jonathan Goldsmith| Steven Seagal| Tom Selleck| Jean-Claude Van Damme"
189,"Daniel Radcliffe",11,3,4,4,"A few months ago, still hyper after devouring ""Deathly Hollows"", we searched high and wide for a Jewish character in the ""Harry Potter"" books. We didn't really succeed. Well, it turns out that we looked so hard we missed the most obvious one. As we just discovered, Harry Potter himself is Jewish! OK, let us subdue our own excitement. Of course, the character of Harry is not Jewish. He goes to Hogwarts, not a yeshiva. He wears a Gryffindor scarf, not a talis. He drinks pumpkin juice, not Manischewitz. Etc. But while Harry himself is not a Jew, the actor who plays him in the films, Daniel Radcliffe, is. His mother is Jewish, his father Protestant, and Radcliffe, although not religious himself, says that he is ""very proud of being Jewish"". Come to think of it, Harry does resemble a stereotypical Jewish boy, glasses and all... Take that, Lord Voldemort.","Jew","Helena Bonham Carter| Hermione Granger| Jason Isaacs| Alan Rickman| Severus Snape"
190,"Sarah Hughes",11,3,3,5,"In case you haven't figured it out yet, some of us are men here at JONJ. And we like sports. Manly sports. Football. Soccer. Tractor pulling. Knife throwing. But when the Olympics roll around and our significant others ask us to join them in watching gymnastics or figure skating, we have no choice but to acquiesce. It's the least we can do after sitting through a marathon of ""The World's Strongest Man"". And to keep ourselves from getting bored while watching the said gymnastics or figure skating, we tend to play the Jew or Not Jew game out loud (to the obvious enjoyment of our significant others, as you can imagine). And there actually are quite a few Jewish figure skaters. Silver medalist Sasha Cohen, obviously. Russian silver and bronze medalist Irina Slutskaya (she's half). And Sarah Hughes, who took the gold in Salt Lake City in 2002. But this is where it gets messy. Although Hughes is half-Jewish (as the last name reveals, on the mother's side), she listed Christmas as her favorite holiday. And then, Sarah told a journalist that her family ""does not practice a religion, but leans toward Judaism"". On the other hand, she did get elected to the Jewish Sports Hall of Fame. So if it's good enough for the Jewish Sports Hall of Fame, it's good enough for us. It's not like we'll have any luck finding a Jewish tractor puller.","Jew","Oksana Baiul| Fritzi Burger| Sasha Cohen| Nancy Kerrigan| Kerri Strug"
191,"Dracula",4,0,1,3,"""This is Jew or Not Jew Radio, coming to you live, on location, from the shores of the River Styx. Tonight, we're brought to you by Moishe's Maggots: for the best flesh-eating, kosher-style maggots, you gotta go to Moishe's. Our guest tonight is Bram Stoker, author of such novels as 'Dracula', and... ummmm... 'Dracula'."" I'll have you know, I wrote over ten novels! ""That's great. Let's cut to the chase. Is Count Dracula Jewish?"" Are you insane? I dragged my decomposing derriere through four levels of Hell for this? ""You see Bram| can I call you Bram? — You see Bram, some researchers have proclaimed that Dracula, with his big nose and ears, his drinking of blood and his hatred of Christianity, is an antisemitic Jewish stereotype."" Surely, you can't be serious! ""Bram, we at JONJ Radio never joke. So, is it true? Is Vlad the Impaler merely the secret identity of Schlomo the Kosher Butcher?"" Oy, you people are worse than that perv Anne Rice. I'm outta here. ""But, Bram! Wait, Mr. Stoker! We've yet to ask for your opinion on Count Chocula...""","Not a Jew","Count Chocula| Frankenstein| Al Lewis| Count of St. Germain| Count von Count"
192,"Joseph Stalin",0,0,0,0,"So why are we profiling Joseph Stalin? It turns out that some antisemitic websites are trying to spread rumors that he was a Jew. Apparently, the ""Dzhuga"" part of his original last name, Dzhugashvili, means ""Jew"" in Georgian. Now, we don't claim to be experts in Georgian. But what we do know is that the Georgian word for ""Jews"" is transcribed as ""Ebraelebi"", about as far from ""Dzhuga"" as one can get. But let's play devil's advocate. Let's say that the antisemites' claim is true. Since when is last name alone enough to prove one's ethnicity? Go back a few dozen profiles, and you'll meet Paula Abdul. With a last name like that, she must be a Muslim! Of course, she is not. She is 100% Jewish, even with that name. So flimsy idiotic worthless attempts aside, there is absolutely nothing that would make anyone with a brain think that Stalin was Jewish. Quite the opposite: close to his death, Stalin hatched a plot to purge all Jewish doctors. Yes, that sounds like the actions of someone secretly Jewish! Not. What's more, growing up, Stalin attended seminary; Joseph's mother wanted him to be a priest. Yes, that's a real Jewish mother all right: ""oh Yossi, eat your lox and bagels, so you can grow up strong and become the Patriarch of all Russia!"" Bleh. Well, at least we got to mention Joseph Stalin and Paula Abdul in the same profile.","Not a Jew","Paula Abdul| Lavrentiy Beria| Rosa Kaganovich| Vladimir Lenin| Genrikh Yagoda"
193,"Abraham",13,5,5,3,"Imagine, if you will, that you're sitting around, twiddling your thumbs, maybe reading your favorite website about who may or may not be Jewish, when out of nowhere G-d starts talking to you. The G-d. And The G-d doesn't want to know how your day went, or if you're enjoying the most recent JONJ profile. The G-d wants you to sacrifice your son. What would you say? Well, if you didn't have a son, you might be a little confused. After all, you would think that G-d, of all people, would keep better tabs on your life. But, if you did have a son, there are a few possible ways you might respond. For instance, you could question G-d's request. Sure, he's all powerful and all, but even he could have a lapse of judgment. Or perhaps he might be willing to bargain, in which case you could get him to accept a cat instead. Or a hamster. Or, you could just flat out refuse. End of story. Sorry, G-d, you might be the Lord almighty, king of the universe, but you're going to have to find yourself another sucker. Or, like Abraham, you could agree. Oh, sure, it turned out G-d was only kidding, and it all worked out great for our supposed ancestor. But that doesn't make him any more likable. So, patriarch or not, we can't go higher on that K Score. In fact, we're considering lowering it even further. Sorry, Abe.","Jew","Esau| G-d| Isaac| Jacob| Terah"
194,"Slash",5,0,2,3,"Welcome to the Jungle, bubbelah? It seems too weird to be true: dubiously deemed all-time guitar great Slash is often listed as a member of the tribe. Well, he's not. His father is gentile, his mother is black, not Jewish as rumored. So we shouldn't expect any performances of ""Sweet Mensch O' Mine,"" ""Nisan Rain"" or ""Live and Let's Go Get A Nosh"" at any upcoming Guns N' Roses reunion concerts. And here we thought it was our chance to expand the list of cool Jewish rock stars that begins and ends with Gene Simmons. Well, that's not happening; the cross Slash is wearing in some of his videos should have been our first hint. Hey, it could be worse. At least he's not pretending to be an English Jew like Madonna.","Not a Jew","Steven Adler| Iggy Pop| Axl Rose| Chuck Schuldiner| Lars Ulrich"
195,"Ed Koch",13,5,5,3,"Create your own JONJ profile! Step 1: Insert short, somewhat clever statement at least peripherally connected to the person you're profiling. Failing that, create rambling stream of consciousness that may eventually led to the person you're profiling in some way. Hopefully. Failing that, make a self-deprecating reference to the writing/creators/fans of this website. Step 2: State whether the person is or is not Jewish. Place obscure Yiddish phrase here. Step 3: Provide questionably accurate historical evidence of Jewish or Not Jewish ancestry and/or culture. Reference this data, preferably using at least two distinct, completely unreliable sources. Step 4: Attempt witty conclusion. Ideally this will refer back to the initial statement in some way. Or it can be a complete nonsequiter tossed off at the last minute. Especially if you see the boss walking toward your desk. Step 5: Bitch about the lack of a ""Hopefully Maybe Jewish But Probably Not"" choice in the verdict matrix. NOTE: If the person is so obviously Jewish there's nothing to say, just write a whole bunch of masturbatory BS, stick a verdict on it and move on.","Jew","Michael Bloomberg| Fiorello La Guardia| Bess Myerson| Judge Wapner| NA"
196,"Jordan Farmar",9,3,3,3,"Have you heard about the Jewish Jordan? No, not a previously unknown Hasidic section of Amman. Rather, a basketball player the media dubbed ""The Jewish Jordan""; a high schooler named Tamir Goodman who supposedly could do it all on the court and wore a yarmulke off it. But this profile is not about him, either. For Tamir couldn't hack it in college and was banished to the Israeli second division. Jewish Jordan? More like Jewish Benjamin, as in Benoit Benjamin. Feel free to look him up. No, this profile is about Jordan Farmar, another Jewish basketball player, who, unlike Goodman, can actually play. Farmar started at UCLA, and is now an important player on the Los Angeles Lakers. To be fair, Farmar is not 100% Jewish. His father is black, but since he was raised by his mother and his Israeli stepfather, was bar mitzvahed, and considers himself a Jew, he more than makes the cut. So there you go, our Jewish Jordan. He'll probably never play on the original Jordan's level, but at least he's got the name down.","Jew","Kobe Bryant| Omri Casspi| Amar'e Stoudemire| Neal Walk| Max Zaslofsky"
197,"Niels Bohr",11,3,3,5,"We like Denmark here at JONJ. The country is beautiful, and Copenhagen is a wonderful city. We'd love to return one day! But there is more to it than aesthetics; during World War II, the Danes did more than their share to rescue Jews from the Nazis. We can't say that about other countries. We're looking at you, Norway. And Belgium. And Romania. And... Well, the list is long. During the War, the Danish resistance movement saved thousands of Jews from the Nazi-occupied country. They were helped by ordinary citizens, who took on great risk in smuggling Jews to neutral Sweden. Among those rescued was famed physicist Niels Bohr: half Jewish on his mother's side, Nobel Prize winner, discoverer of the structure of the atom, amateur soccer goalkeeper, quantum mechanics pioneer, important member of the Manhattan Project... Well, he wouldn't become the latter one if he wasn't rescued. So welcome to JONJ, our first Danish Jew! Which is much more than we can say for Norway. And Belgium. And Romania. And...","Borderline Jew","Aage Bohr| Harald Bohr| Albert Einstein| Arne Jacobsen| Wolfgang Pauli"
198,"Dmitry Medvedev",1,0,1,0,"If you are like us, you were following today's Russian presidential election with baited breath. And when the winner, Dmitry Medvedev, was declared, you couldn't help but gasp in surprise. We partly kid, of course. The ""baited breath"" part is an outright lie; Medvedev was hand-picked by current president Putin, and it was obvious to all that he will be elected by a landslide. But we're not kidding about gasping in surprise. You see, there are rumors that Russia's president-elect is secretly a Jew. Now, knowing Russians as well as we think we do, they love their Jewish conspiracies: since Medvedev doesn't like to delve into his family's past, there must be a secret there! Yet the best they can come up with is the name of Medvedev's maternal grandfather, Veniamin Shaposhnikov, which in theory could be Jewish. It's a very very loose theory. What we do know is that Medvedev is baptized, is in favor of increasing Eastern Orthodox education in Russia, and his last name means ""bear"". Possible Jewish grandpa or not, it's just not gonna fly. So there shouldn't be any gasps in surprise about the verdict below.","Not a Jew","Mikhail Fradkov| Mikhail Mishustin| Yevgeny Primakov| Vladimir Putin| Vladimir Zhirinovsky"
199,"Christina Aguilera",5,1,1,3,"""It may have been gold in the streets for my grandparents, it may have been a chicken in every pot for my father and mother, but to me, America is a shikse nestling under your arm whispering love love love love love.""| Philip Roth, ""Portnoy's Complaint"" When we heard that Christina Aguilera had given her baby son a Hebrew name, we were concerned. After all, the last thing we need is another questionably talented rock diva convinced that calling herself a Kabbalist makes her cool (Remember ladies, the really cool people aren't pretend-Jews, they ARE Jews). But we were mistaken. It's the influence of her husband, Jordan Bratman: a full-fledged Jew. To which we can only say one thing: Way to go, Jordan! Seriously, if you're going to marry a shiksa, the least you can do is pick someone we can all appreciate. Now, do you have a brother, so that you could set up Beyonce with him? (Editor's update: Now divorced! What happened, Christina?)","Not a Jew","Adam Levine| Pink| Philip Roth| Britney Spears| Taylor Swift"
200,"G-d",11,3,3,5,"It's times like these we're glad we write these things indoors. After all, one can't be struck by lightning inside an office building. Right? Oh boy. OK. Here we go. Is G-d a Jew? Star of such major hits as the Old Testament and its better received yet supremely inferior sequel, the Big Cheese has had an odd relationship with us Jews. After all, he did make us his Chosen people. Which ordinarily would suggest at least a kind of affection, if not some sort of brotherhood. But after the slavery, the antisemitism, the diaspora, the holocaust... Oh sure, he also rescued us from all of that, but, well, maybe we would have been better off just taking the dinette set and moving on. But here we are with Judaism: The Home Game and we have to wonder, is all this misery just part of the package Hashem chose for us? Or was it that the Big Man enjoyed his own Judaism so much he just couldn't help but share it with his favorite non-all powerful peeps? It's hard to discuss without the kind of in-depth rabbinical digression that just isn't going to happen on a website that features 500 words on Corey Feldman. So we're left with making a thoroughly uneducated (and potentially life threatening) guess. Therefore, since we don't even know if deities can have religion (or culture, or tradition, or an aunt Ida) and since we can't imagine someone omniscient and omnipotent choosing a moral code that forbids shrimp cocktail AND bacon cheeseburgers, we're forced to conclude the following: (please don't smite us, please don't smite us, please don't smite us)","Sadly, Not a Jew","Abraham| Archangel Michael| Jesus Christ| The Devil| Moses"
201,"Jack Black",10,4,3,3,"After writing 200 of these, we ask ourselves, what makes an average JONJ profile? So we plugged the numbers into the super-duper-powerful JONJ computer, and came up with the average. The average JONJ profile is an actor, who could possibly fit in another category. (Say... comedians. Or musicians. But not scientists. Definitely not scientists.) The average JONJ profile has a Jew Score of 4/3/3, with the 4 for the I Score being a tad weak. So the average JONJ profile seemed to perfectly fit Jack Black. Actor, comedian, musician, 100% Jewish (but his father converted, hence a ""weak"" 4 for the I Score). The O and the K work out to 3s as well. (We had some doubts on the K; when he is on, Black makes us laugh, but he really should pick his roles a bit better. Seriously, have you seen ""Nacho Libre""? No? Please don't bother. So a 3 sounds about right.) The average JONJ profile ends with the following two words.","Jew","Judith Love Cohen| Colin Hanks| Adam Sandler| Ben Stiller| R. L. Stine"
202,"Eliot Spitzer",9,4,4,1,"We've often lamented the lack of prominent Jewish politicians here on Jew or Not Jew. That'll teach us. The governor of New York State as a Jew would have been a cause to celebrate. We'd have waxed eloquent about the Hebrew Crusader. The tough as nails prosecutor who followed a hard line on crime all the way up to one of the most high profile governors' offices in the country. Now? Not so much. But who are we at JONJ to judge how one finds companionship? Surely there are worse offenses for a governor to commit. So we decided to forgive him and put the K score at 2. A nice low number that acknowledged the offense, yet admitted there was a chance for reconciliation. Then we found out that his ""woman of choice"" was named Kristen. Seriously now, a Sara, a Leah or even a Rachel| that we could understand. But a Kristen? Now that just goes too far.","Sadly, a Jew","Michael Bloomberg| Michael Chertoff| Heidi Fleiss| Franklin Roosevelt| Anthony Weiner"
203,"Franklin Roosevelt",5,0,1,4,"Nazis. We hate those guys. Of course, today's Nazis are a shadow of their 1930s and 40s brethren. Today's Nazis spew their hate not on the streets, but over the internet. Stupid, stupid Nazis. Part of that internet hate-mongering? Made-up Jewish rumors. Like the one about Franklin Delano Roosevelt. That's right, FDR. You see, the rumor says that his great-great-great-great-great grandfather might have been Jewish. Not WAS Jewish. MIGHT have been Jewish. Not his grandfather. His great-great-great-great-great grandfather. So, according to the internet Nazis, that makes FDR a Jew. And you know what, internet Nazis? Fine. Great! We'll take FDR! How could we say no to the man who kicked your ass so hard it's been hurting for over 60 years? FDR, Jew? Yes! Sigh. Oh, why do we run such an honest website? FDR's ancestors were not Jewish. There were Dutch and French, of various Christian denominations. There are rumors that he had Jewish roots on his maternal site, but there is absolutely no confirmation. He himself was Episcopal. So no, FDR, not a Jew. Stupid, stupid Nazis.","Sadly, Not a Jew","Winston Churchill| Dwight Eisenhower| Lyndon Johnson| Abraham Lincoln| Harry Truman"
204,"Rod Carew",8,1,3,4,"Let's talk about responsibility. For instance, if you're a well known, occasionally funny comedian who happens to write a song about who is and isn't Jewish then you might actually want to make sure the famous people you namedrop are actually, y'know, Jewish. Because, contrary to said celebrity song, Hall of Famer Rod Carew? NOT Jewish. Carew's wife is Jewish. His children are Jewish. For all we know his fucking goldfish is Jewish. But no matter how much he talks about how he likes the faith (thanks, by the way. We like it, too), Carew never converted. Which wouldn't be a big deal if a certain tenuously talented individual would just take the five seconds to Google one of baseball's greatest hitters and all-around good guys before adding it as another insipid lyric. Carew was an Angel and a Twin, but he's not a member of the Tribe. No matter how many times you sing about it.","Not a Jew","Jennifer Beals| Buddy Myer| Dave Parker| Adam Sandler| Frank Thomas"
205,"Ruth Westheimer",13,5,4,4,"By now you know that one of the most common ways we profile people for this website is by displaying our surprise that someone is Jewish. Or half-Jewish. Or, infrequently, not Jewish. This is not one of those profiles. For sex therapist Dr. Ruth is definitely Jewish. There is no surprise there. What is astonishing, however, is that she used to be a sniper. That's right, a sniper. With guns. Real guns. In a war. In a real war. Fighting for Israel. Dr. Ruth. All four and a half feet of her. How did she transition to sex therapy? Beats us. We still can't get over our surprise. Dr. Ruth? A sniper?","Jew","Bea Arthur| Joyce Brothers| Sigmund Freud| Ernst Grafenberg| Magnus Hirschfeld"
206,"Barry Goldwater",6,3,1,2,"""I have always thought that if a Jew ever became President, he would turn out to be an Episcopalian.""| Harry Golden The man Golden was talking about? None other than Barry Goldwater, whose reactionary candidacy was demolished by Lyndon Johnson in the 1964 presidential election. As it turns out, Goldwater's original family name was Goldwasser, and he was, in fact, half Jewish by birth, and even self-identified as a Jew. You know what Goldwater also turned out to be? A UFO nut! Yes, this ultra conservative dinosaur somehow harbored a soft spot for flying saucers. In fact, he was dying to find out if the US government was hiding any info about aliens... Perhaps that's why he wanted to become president? So, no Jewish president. And no half-Jewish, Episcopalian, super conservative, UFO-loving president. Probably for the best...","Borderline Jew","Dwight Eisenhower| Al Gore| Lyndon Johnson| John Kerry| Henry Kissinger"
207,"Paul Simon",13,4,4,5,"Me and Chaim down by the school yard? After over 200 of these profiles, we've discovered a bit of a theme: If there's a group of even mildly cool people the Jewish member always turns out to be the nerdy, less desirable one. Screech, for example. And so, when it comes to Simon and Garfunkel (admittedly on the milder side of mildly cool) if you guessed that Art Garfunkel was Jewish, well, you'd be right. But if you guessed, therefore, that Paul Simon is NOT Jewish? Well, then you'd be wrong. They're both Jews. Simon even sings about his own Judaism briefly in the obscure (and rightfully so) Hearts and Bones. And if you guessed that the true answer is that they're BOTH nerdy and less desirable? Well, you clearly have no taste in music. Or at least you've only been listening since 1990. Which is kind of the same thing, really.","Jew","Leonard Cohen| Dustin Diamond| Carrie Fisher| Art Garfunkel| Peter Yarrow"
208,"Ian Kinsler",9,3,2,4,"Spring is in the air, so it's time to set up our fantasy baseball team. Here's what we've got so far. Starting pitcher: Jason Marquis, Chicago Cubs Relief pitcher: Scott Schoeneweis, New York Mets Outfielders: Shawn Green, New York Mets. Adam Stern, Baltimore Orioles. Gabe Kapler, Milwaukee Brewers Catcher: Brad Ausmus, Houton Astros First Base: Kevin Youkilis, Boston Red Sox Third Base: Ryan Braun, Milwaukee Brewers Second Base: Ian Kinsler, Texas Rangers Shortstop: ??? Uh-oh. Poor Kinsler's got a lot of ground to cover out there unless our exhaustive search turns up with someone soon. Seriously, if you're Jewish and not bad with the glove, can you get out there and play some shortstop? Otherwise our team is in serious trouble.","Jew","Brad Ausmus| Lou Boudreau| Ryan Braun| Shawn Green| Kevin Youkilis"
209,"Isla Fisher",9,2,4,3,"It looks like we've lost our way recently at Jew or Not Jew. When we set out to create this website, our goal was not only to point out who is Jewish and who is not, but specifically to point out hot Jewish chicks. Oh, we were so successful early! Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johansson, Sarah Michelle Gellar... But look at our most recent profiles; the best we can do is Christina Aguilera, and she is not that close to being Jewish. Dr. Ruth? Jewish yes, but who would find her hot? Lower your hand, Schlomo. Please. Not to worry, faithful reader. Today we present Isla Fisher, the Australian actress you might know from ""Wedding Crashers"". Or you might know her as the fiancee of Borat, the very Jewish Sacha Baron Cohen. No, Isla was not born Jewish. But she converted for Cohen, studying Judaism for three years. And they are not even married yet! The girl is definitely serious. And so are we. Don't worry, faithful reader, we will not try to lose our way anymore. And you too, Schlomo. We'll profile some... hmmmm... older candidates, especially for you. Deal?","Jew","Sacha Baron Cohen| Sarah Michelle Gellar| Scarlett Johansson| Natalie Portman| Ruth Westheimer"
210,"Katie Couric",7,3,1,3,"When Katie Couric got the job at CBS, people were asking, is it finally time for a woman to be the host of nightly network news? What should they really have been asking, is it finally time for a Jew? No, Katie is not that Jewish. In fact, she barely qualifies, as her Jewish mother raised her in the Presbyterian faith. If not for running this website, we would be clueless of her heritage ourselves. To say it's not obvious is an understatement. The thing is, though, Katie is not the first woman to anchor the network news. Barbara Walters did it in the 1970s. Connie Chung failed at in the 1990s. Elizabeth Vargas did it briefly a few months before Couric was hired. But Katie is only the second person with obvious Jewish heritage to hold that job. The other was... Barbara Walters. Hmmmm, maybe we should have profiled her instead.","Barely a Jew","Connie Chung| Bryant Gumbel| Matt Lauer| Marlene Sanders| Barbara Walters"
211,"Mahatma Gandhi",5,0,0,5,"That's right menschen, Mahatma Gandhi, perhaps one of the greatest men who ever lived, IS A JEW. Raised by his parents Karamchand and Putlibai Gandhiwicz, the Mahatma changed his name when he entered the political arena in South Africa as part of his overall campaign to appear ""more Indian"". In fact, many of Gandhi's philosophical beliefs were based on his Jewish upbringing| his policy of peaceful protest, for instance, was inspired by the guilt trips he received from his mother growing up. However, she was not impressed by this tribute and was often known to complain, ""when are you going to stop with this vow of celibacy mishegas and give me a grandchild."" There are other surprising instances where snippets of Gandhi's secret upbringing appeared unexpectedly. He refused to meet with British officials on Friday nights. He had a predilection for breaking his hunger strikes by ordering out for Chinese. And after one speech he apparently shouted, ""Next year in Jerusalem! Er, India!"" Shocking? Yes. And yet, deep in our hearts, it just feels right. Like we've always subconsciously known it to be true. So it is with more than a little sense of pride that we present the following, incontrovertible truth:","April Fools!","ALF| Ted Danson| Waldemar Haffkine| Ben Kingsley| Nadira"
212,"Julius and Ethel Rosenberg",9,5,4,0,"In our attempt to be fair, we've profiled not only Jews that we're proud of, but also those who we can live without. And yet, if you browse through these ""Sadly, a Jew"" verdicts, many of these transgressions we're willing to let go. Corey Feldman was pretty good in ""The Goonies"". Marv Albert is one of the best sports announcers in the country. Michael Bolton once opened for Black Sabbath. And we're trying to think of something nice to say about Dustin Diamond. We're sure it's out there. Not so with the Rosenbergs. We just can't come up with anything positive. Julius was a snappy dresser? Ethel made great borscht? We don't even like borscht... No, it all pales when pitted against selling the atomic bomb to the Soviets. No amount of borscht can salvage that.","Sadly, a Jew","Marv Albert| Michael Bolton| Roy Cohn| Corey Feldman| George Koval"
213,"Christopher Guest",10,4,2,4,"We touched on this before, but we feel the need to expand. Hans. Abdullah. Ralph. Kareem. Lothar. Susan. What do the above names have in common? If we had to pick a name for our son, we'd pick all those names before Christopher. Seriously... Christopher? We understand that Christopher Guest's parents were atheists. Fine. But they were both ethnically Jewish! Olaf. Hakim. Vladlen. Francois. Dikembe. Seamus. Well, maybe not Seamus. Seriously... Christopher?","Jew","Jamie Lee Curtis| Chris Kattan| Eugene Levy| Larry Miller| Harry Shearer"
214,"Rosie O'Donnell",1,0,1,0,"Hey you, Rosie O'Donnell! Yes, you, the talentless hack! How do we make it clear for you... YOU ARE NOT A JEW! Oh, sure, you can study Kabbalah all you want and trot to Israel alongside your pal Madonna. But that alone doesn't make you a Jew. Saying you've always felt Jewish doesn't either. And telling Jewish jokes... don't get us started. Oh no, you got us started. Seriously, why do you have to do Jewish jokes? You're Irish Catholic. There's so much potential humor there. The pope. 12-children families. Priests. Potatoes. But no, potato humor is not good enough for you. And you know, we might have been willing to let it go if your Jewish jokes were remotely funny. But they are not. And you are not. YOU ARE NOT A JEW!","Not a Jew","Roseanne Barr| Joy Behar| Whoopi Goldberg| Madonna| Demi Moore"
215,"Jeremy Piven",10,4,4,2,"As an actor, Jeremy Piven has a lot of range. In ""PCU"", he played the ultimate college slacker. In ""Old School"", he played a crusty college dean. In ""Keeping Up with the Steins"", Piven played a powerful Hollywood agent, hellbent on giving his daughter the most extravagant bat mitzvah imaginable. On ""Entourage"", he plays a powerful Hollywood agent, hellbent on giving his son the most extravagant bar mitzvah imaginable. Wait a minute, that doesn't sound right... let us check IMDB for a moment. Yeah, we have the mitzvahs reversed. Piven had a son in ""Steins"", and a daughter on ""Entourage"". There's that range that we talked about! But that's all right with us. So what that his old range is missing and he's being typecast as the Jewish Hollywood type! There are many worse options than him. We're looking at you, Pauly Shore.","Jew","George Costanza| Ari Gold| Garry Shandling| Pauly Shore| Jeffrey Tambor"
216,"Fagin",9,5,4,0,"""I'll take Memorable Jewish Characters in Literature for 200, Alex."" This miser beats orphans in Charles Dickens' ""Oliver Twist"". ""Who is Fagin?"" Correct. It's still your board. ""I'll take Memorable Jewish Characters in Literature... wait a minute!"" That's right, let's wait a minute. Are there any memorable| genuinely memorable, Jewish — definitely, without any questions, Jewish, characters in literature? There's Fagin. There's Shakespeare's Shylock. There's Hemingway's friend in ""The Sun Also Rises"" — so memorable that we can't even remember his name. Ugh. We'll just have to change the category. Is ""Memorable Jewish Comedians"" available?","Sadly, a Jew","Leopold Bloom| Jay Gatsby| Rumpelstiltskin| Shylock| Svengali"
217,"Adrien Brody",11,3,4,4,"As you might have noticed, every time we write about someone for this website, we try to have a new approach for the profile. Sometimes it's easy. Sometimes, with more than 200 profiles behind us, it's pretty darn hard. As it is in this case. For we are profiling Adrian Brody, who not only won an Oscar for playing a Jew in ""The Pianist"", but as it turns out, is a Jew in real life as well. Three quarters actually, but come to think of it, somewhat surprising it's not all four. Just look at his nose. See, we have to talk about the nose. That nose is as Jewish as it gets. But then we'll just be repeating ourselves. We already discussed the nose issue multiple times, and beat it to death with Sarah Jessica Parker. So at this point, we really should look past it, as hard as that might be, and discuss Brody's body of work, his Jewish roots, and beliefs. But we can't. We just can't. How can anyone get past that nose? Now... how are we gonna profile Barbra Streisand?","Borderline Jew","Dustin Hoffman| Jacques Joseph| Sarah Jessica Parker| Roman Polanski| Barbra Streisand"
218,"Carrie Fisher",11,3,3,5,"We're pretty eh about Carrie Fisher here at JONJ. Except for a few random appearances, she's been more or less MIA for the past 19 years. And unless you're really into celebrities whining about how ""Daddy didn't love me"", there's not much to say about her writing either. Only her father's side is Jewish and Fisher describes herself as agnostic, which means she's a Jew only compared to bottom feeder wannabes like Madonna and the recently ridiculed Rosie O'Donnell. In fact, except for one iconic role as nerd goddess Princess Leia, we probably wouldn't even be wasting our time with her. And even then, she's probably the weakest of the big 4. Heck we could make an argument that even Chewbacca was more interesting and... Oh, who are we kidding. The woman wore a gold metal bikini for about five minutes of screen time and we STILL can't get it out of our heads. After you do that, everything else is just water under the bridge.","Borderline Jew","Albert Brooks| Harrison Ford| Mark Hamill| Billie Lourd| Paul Simon"
219,"Bernie Sanders",13,4,5,4,"Jewish, yes. Respectable, sure. But we did say ""prominent"", didn't we? Looks like we fail on that one. After all, he is... a Socialist from Vermont.| Jew or Not Jew, April 24, 2008 We've never had so many requests to rewrite a profile as we've had for Bernie Sanders. You see, back in 2008, we embarked on a quest to find a prominent Jewish politician that we can be proud of. Sanders was one of the ones we considered, before deciding he was not prominent enough. See above. Boy, have things changed. We don't need to explain Sanders' prominence now. He rose from seemingly nowhere to challenge Hillary Clinton for the Democratic presidential nomination. No matter if he wins or not, the plucky Socialist had made more headways than anyone thought he would. And while Sanders is still clearly an underdog, who knows? Depending how the rest of 2016 goes, perhaps we'll be forced to rewrite this profile once again...","Jew","Hillary Clinton| Madeleine Kunin| Joe Lieberman| Meyer London| Paul Wellstone"
220,"Betty Boop",10,4,2,4,"What the Boop?! The list of ""Famous Female Cartoon Characters"" makes a magillah like ""Jewish Sports Heroes"" look as long as the Torah. And the majority of its members can be dismissed as merely the wives/girlfriends of even more famous male characters. Minnie and Mickey. Wilma and Fred. Marge and Homer. Hillary and Bill, etc. The search for an independent, hard-working, animated (in both senses of the word) female role model basically leads to two places| the goyishe Wonder Woman and the (you guessed it!) Jewish Betty Boop. For those of you too young to remember (i.e., anyone with the skill-set to actually visit this website), Betty Boop was the can-do heroine of a series of Depression-era cartoon shorts a la Mickey and Bugs, though currently less well known (but certainly not obscure). And don't let the looks fool you, Betty Boop is no black-and-white bimbo, but a modern, independent woman worthy of anyone's admiration. As for her Kosher certification, the films themselves provide an ark's-worth of evidence. From her yiddish-peppered patois to her yarmulke-wearing abba, this hip cat's a no-doubter. In other words, she's not just the most famous, respectable female Jewish cartoon out there. She might be the best one, period. Boop-oop-a-doop, indeed.","Jew","Barbie| Daphne Blake| Cowardly Lion| Max Fleischer| Olive Oyl"
221,"Chava Mond",12,5,4,3,"All right, you twisted our arms. We can no longer hold out. After some 220 profiles, we're off to find a Jewish supermodel. As you can tell, we're dreading the search already. Well, that took... surprisingly long. The strange thing is, it didn't take us that much time to find one. It's just that after we found one, we... Oh, never mind. Where were we... Jewish supermodels! Meet Chava Mond. Ms. Mond, or Havi, as we like to call her, is not only Jewish, she is Orthodox. And what makes her different from all the other models? When she is on the job, she doesn't eat. No, not because she is bulimic or anorexic. It's because the food is not Kosher. If that's not enough, she also loves cooking and cleaning. Oh boy... (Cut to three hours later.)","Jew","Gal Gadot| Esti Ginzburg| Karlie Kloss| Emily Ratajkowski| Bar Refaeli"
222,"Virgin Mary",8,5,1,2,"Are you Jewish? No Yes Dear gentile mothers, Imagine, if you will, that your grown-up son comes up to you, and says, ""Mom, I renounce our religion!"" ""Sure,"" you might say. He is no longer a child. He can make his own decisions. After all, there are plenty of denominations to choose from. Just so long as he doesn't pick Judaism. Of course, that's not the end of it. ""I renounce dad, too! He is no longer my father! From now on, I will be known as the Son of God."" ""Sure,"" you say again. That doesn't sound too shabby at all. Son of God? What does that make you? Oh boy! But he goes on. ""And I'm gonna start my own religion, the symbol of which will be the image of my death! But don't worry, Mom, you will be honored as well. Everyone will call you 'The Virgin' and place a likeness of you on their front lawns next to a garden gnome!"" Well, you always did like garden gnomes... Dear Jewish mothers, Imagine, if you will, that your grown-up son comes up to you, and says, ""Mom, I renounce our religion!"" ""Hmmmm,"" you might say. He is no longer a child. Maybe it's time to let go. Of course, that's not the end of it. ""I renounce dad, too! He is no longer my father! From now on, I will be known as the Son of God."" ""Hmmmm,"" you say again. You would have preferred him to be a doctor, but at least the kid has some ambition. But he goes on. ""And I'm gonna start my own religion, the symbol of which will be the image of my death! But don't worry, Mom, you will be honored as well. Everyone will call you 'The Virgin' and place a likeness of you on their front lawns next to a garden gnome!"" Oy gevalt! Everything else| the renouncing of religion, the father, this you could live with. But a garden gnome?! That's just meshuggenah. for { document.ff.r1[i].checked = false; } function doSelect(x) { dv1 = d1; dv2 = d2; if (x == 1) {dv1 = d2; dv2 = d1;} dv2.style.display='none'; dv1.style.display='inline'; }","Jew","Saint Anne| Jesus Christ| Holy Ghost| Saint Joseph| Three Wise Men"
223,"Magneto",10,4,2,4,"We try to stay away from politics here at JONJ. After all, our goal in this space is not to separate Democrat from Republican, pro-choice from pro-life, right from wrong, but rather merely Jew from Not Jew. Any other discussions of belief are ancillary to the main discussion. But there is one issue that is simply too important for the future of our nation to ignore and we can no longer stay quiet about it. Mutants. The mutant problem is one we deal with every day. And while there's been a lot of bleeding heart liberal BS spouted off by Charles Xavier and his ragtag band of hippy-dippy X-Men, no one has provided us with a workable solution we can all live with. Enter Magneto. Our Jewish brother is not fooled by the promises of an oppressive government clearly bent on protecting the ""normal"" people from the superior mutant population. While we may disagree with some of his tactics, there's no avoiding the incontrovertible truth behind his intentions. The mutant populace with their indestructible claws, laser eye beams, and universal ability to look really good in skintight leather is clearly meant to inherit the Earth. Anyone who says otherwise is delaying the inevitable. We're proud to say that we stand by Magneto in his righteous cause. We hope that you have the self-honesty and foresight to do the same. Thank you.","Jew","Jack Kirby| Stan Lee| Polaris| Quicksilver| Scarlet Witch"
224,"Kathie Lee Gifford",3,2,1,0,"We've never liked Kathie Lee Gifford. Did we have a good reason? Not really. She was annoying on TV, but it's not like we ever watched her show. It's just that... she had that WASPy perkiness that we found incredibly irksome. Something just didn't feel right in our Jewish hearts. And were we ever right. You see, that WASPy perkiness is a front. Kathie Lee, born Kathryn Epstein, with a Jewish father, raised, as she says herself, ""with many Jewish traditions""... Until she saw a Christian video and decided to dive into Christianity head first. Ugh. Really? A Christian video? Dear faithful reader, we don't know how much you value your beliefs, but we hope it takes more than a video to drastically alter them. Did we say that we didn't have a good reason to dislike Kathie Lee? Not anymore.","Barely a Jew","Katie Couric| Bryant Gumbel| Matt Lauer| Nancy Lieberman| Rosie O'Donnell"
225,"Michael Chabon",13,4,5,4,"This is going to be a boring profile. See, if this site were, say, GayOrNotGay.com, we'd have something much more interesting to fill the space. Picture a rainbow colored background and the words ""Michael Chabon: Gay or Not Gay?"" emblazoned on the banner. Now imagine an informed discussion of Chabon's works that points out his ongoing obsession with homosexuality. That more than just having gay major characters in most of his works (""Mysteries of Pittsburgh"", ""Wonder Boys"", ""The Adventures of Kavalier and Clay"", ""The Yiddish Policeman's Union""), most of his narratives turn on the discovery of those urges and the truths that are revealed by accepting them. And then| the big d'enoument — Surprise! He's happily married with four kids. See, now that's an interesting profile! But sadly, GONG does not exist and we are left with saying only that Chabon is an excellent writer, an excellent voice for our people, and that we hope he continues to produce exciting, entertaining, thought-provoking work into the future. Blah blah blah blah blah.","Jew","Neil Gaiman| Hugo Gernsback| Elena Kagan| The Khazars| Lou Reed"
226,"Marv Levy",13,5,4,4,"You may not think that Jews and Buffalo-area sports fans have much in common, but we do. Suffering. Who has suffered more than Buffalo? The Sabres have never won the Stanley Cup, and their fans have watched in despair as favorites like Hasek and Mogilny have fled to win championships with other teams. The NBA Buffalo Braves left in 1978, never to return, but still haven't shaken the curse| they became the moribund Los Angeles Clippers. And the Bills? The team that Buffalo lives and dies by became synonymous with disappointment when they made the Super Bowl four times in a row only to lose all four times. The recent future isn't much rosier: their last playoff appearance came in 1999, when they were victims of the Music City Miracle. So you take all the little joys you can get in Buffalo and Marv Levy, co-architect and coach of those great early 90's Buffalo teams, is definitely more than a little joy. A certified Hall of Fame sports figure and a certified Hall of Fame Jew. It doesn't get much better than that. Of course, for you Buffalars you may have to squint a little on that K score to see a 5, but trust us, it's there if you want it to be. Because, let's face it, you deserve a break. To be Jewish AND a Buffalo sports fan? Oy, we can't imagine...","Jew","Al Davis| Sid Gillman| Marty Schottenheimer| Marc Trestman| George Young"
227,"Miracle Max",12,4,5,3,"We're big fans of ""The Princess Bride"" film here at JONJ. The movie's got everything: swordfighting, Fred Savage, giants, and even wheelbarrows. But does it have Jews? To an untrained eye, yes. The magician Miracle Max looks and acts totally Jewish. Even bickering with his wife can't help but remind us of our own grandparents... But not so fast. Sure, Miracle Max looks and acts Jewish, but how much of that was put into the character by the actor, Billy Crystal, and how much was it by the writer, William Goldman (or is it S. Morgenstern? It's hard to tell.) It's important questions like those that keep us awake at night here at JONJ. We just had to find out. So after plowing through the first 250 pages of the book, getting through all those goyim characters (mental note: that S. Morgenstern, whoever he is, just might be Jewish. We should look into that), we got to Miracle Max. And then, plainly, on page 293, it says, in Goldman's aside (we love asides here at JONJ): ""my editor felt the Miracle Max section was too Jewish in sound"". Goldman also hints that Max and his wife were based on S. Morgenstern's (or is it his own?) parents... So it's pretty clear that we got our Jew here. Now, what other marginal fictional character should we research next?","Jew","Andre the Giant| Billy Crystal| William Goldman| Carol Kane| Fred Savage"
228,"Axl Rose",4,0,1,3,"You can find anything on the internet. Let's take genealogy. Say, if you wanted to know who Bill Clinton's maternal grandparents were; the answer it's right there, Eldridge Cassidy and Edith Grisham. Hell, if you wanted, you can find out about his great-great-great-great-great-great-grandparents. We are not kidding. But face it, we're not that interested in Bill Clinton's family history. Nothing remotely Jewish there. Of course, that doesn't stop us from browsing other genealogies of non-Jews, hoping to find a Katz, a Cohen, an Abramowicz... And nothing. We looked through politicians. WASP City. We looked through celebrities. More diversity, still no Jews. The best we could do were the great-grandparents of Guns N' Roses front man Axl Rose, Henry Rosenbrock and Anna Zimmerman. Who, despite those names, were goyishe Germans, not Jews. Now, if this was someone talented or important, we'd be more than happy to argue about potential Jewishness. But for Axl Rose? Sadly, pseudo-Jewish names, three generations ago, are just not good enough.","Not a Jew","Steven Adler| Bill Clinton| Ozzy Osbourne| David Lee Roth| Slash"
229,"Douglas Fairbanks",8,3,1,4,"Did you know that the actor who played Robin Hood, Zorro, and d'Artagnan, the so-called ""King of Hollywood"" was Jewish? No, not a crude hybrid of Kevin Costner, Antonio Banderas, and... Chris O'Donnell?* No, we're talking about Doulgas Fairbanks, Sr.** Fairbanks was born Douglas Elton Ullman, and his father, Hezekiah*** Ullman, was a Jew. Now, we're stretching it a bit here, for Hezekiah abandoned his family when Douglas was five, and it's unlikely that his Catholic mother would say kiddush. Still, we like the sound of a Jewish King of Hollywood, so no 120-years-ago indiscretions are going to stop us from claiming Fairbanks as one of our own.**** * Seriously, why hasn't there been a quality modern adaptation of ""The Three Musketeers"" yet? On the other hand, seeing how Hollywood butchered ""The Count of Monte Cristo"", that's probably for the best... ** Not to be confused with his son, Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. *** Hezikiah? Have you ever met a Jew named Hezikiah? Then again, what do we know about the naming patterns of 1833? **** But of course, you figured that out already.","Barely a Jew","Charlie Chaplin| Ricardo Cortez| Cary Grant| Leslie Howard| Paul Newman"
230,"Tomas de Torquemada",1,1,0,0,"Dear Conflicted Goyim, We are aware that not everyone wants to be Jewish. Like people who eat peanut butter and banana sandwiches or who watch ""Deal or No Deal"", there's just no accounting for taste. But we also know that some of you ARE Jewish and that irks you. After all, you weren't raised Jewish. Perhaps mom was Jewish and she converted. Now you worry that if anyone finds out she traded the matzohs for the martyrs they'll penalize you in some way. OK. We can't see it, but OK. Feel free to continue on pretending to not be Jewish. Hey, everyone has psychological baggage. Ours is heavy enough. Far be it from us to try to carry yours, as well. If it bothers you so much, just get counseling or something. There's probably a non-Jewish psychologist out there somewhere if you look hard enough. Or just put a really big cross in front of your house and get season tickets to Billy Graham. That should solve the issue once and for all. But, for the love of G-d, whatever you decide to do, could you please stop propagating inquisitions where you publicly slaughter anyone of even remotely Jewish heritage that happens to live within the randomly assigned borders of your chosen country just to prove how un-Jewish you are? Seriously. The next time you have an urge for something like that, just make yourself a peanut butter and banana sandwich and calm the hell down, OK? Thank you.","Not a Jew","Lavrentiy Beria| Miguel de Cervantes| Christopher Columbus| Julian of Toledo| The Spanish"
231,"Max Baer",11,3,3,5,"Max Baer is a controversial figure in boxing circles. To some, he was a vicious killer; at least one boxer died after a fight with ""Madcap Maxie"", and another death was claimed to result from injuries sustained in a fight. To others, Baer is a hero. In 1933, Baer fought and defeated Max Schmeling, Germany's ubermensch. Schmeling was sent to the U.S. by Adolph Hitler to prove Aryan supremacy. All he proved that in a boxing ring, he was no match for a Jew. For even though Baer wasn't Halachically Jewish, he embraced his heritage. He wore the Star of David on his trunks for that fight, and for every fight after. And a year later, we had our first Jewish world heavyweight champion. So, controversial figure or not, we're going to embrace Baer here at JONJ. It's not like we're going to see another Jewish heavyweight champion any time soon.","Borderline Jew","Jack Dempsey| Vitali and Wladimir Klitschko| Benny Leonard| Barney Ross| Abe Simon"
232,"Arlen Specter",10,4,4,2,"We've been a little confused by Arlen Specter lately. Real quick for those of you who have been living under a rock the past 20 years, Specter is a Republican senator for Pennsylvania. As previously mentioned we try not to take sides in these things, but suffice to say we're not completely appalled by him. He splits the bill on the major negative stereotypes (anti-foreigner, no. Bloodthirsty, yes). He's even been referred to as a ""RINO"" or ""Republican in Name Only"" which, while meant to be pejorative, sounds fairly complimentary to us. Like saying someone's bad at being a murderer. Whoops, so much for objectivity. Oh, and (duh) he's a Jew. So that's all good. Anyway, we were perfectly happy to ignore him until this whole NFL thing showed up. Suddenly he has this mad on for the New England Patriots A/V department and their oh so tricksy (and no different than any other team in professional sports) policy of doing everything they can to win. Now he's on ESPN more than Brett Favre, thumping podiums and calling for anti-trust lawsuits like any of us give a damn. And we have to wonder. Why? Why does Senator Specter suddenly care? And then it hit us: he's trying to get himself mentioned in our quest for prominent, respectable Jewish politicians! Well sorry to crack your matzoh Arlen. Close, but no gelt. (Editor's update: a RINO no more, Specter became a Democrat late in his term.)","Jew","Herb Kohl| Carl Levin| Joe Lieberman| Ed Rendell| William Roth"
233,"David Blaine",9,3,3,3,"There are quite a few Jewish magicians. Harry Houdini. David Copperfield. Teller from Penn and Teller. And David Blaine, who, although only a half-Jew, is more than welcome in this theurgical fraternity. Of course, Blaine is not your regular magician. He freezes himself in ice. Buries himself alive. Seals himself underwater. All fun and good. But can he make this profile disappear into thin air? opa = 100; interval = 125; d = document.getElementById(""magic""); setTimeout('doMagic()', interval); function doMagic() { opa|= 1; if (opa < 0) opa = 0; d.style.opacity = opa / 100; if (d.filters != null) d.filters.alpha.opacity = opa; if (opa > 0) setTimeout('doMagic()', interval); if (opa == 0) setTimeout('finish()', 1000); } function finish() { p = document.getElementById(""perhaps""); p.innerHTML = 'Perhaps.'; }","Jew","David Berglas| David Copperfield| Alexander Herrmann| Harry Houdini| Teller"
234,"Berenstain Bears",7,2,1,4,"We've been talking a lot about animals and Judaism lately. Nothing serious, mind you. Just the standard time waster questions one asks when one is trying to procrastinate writing a corporate brochure. Questions such as: Is my cat Jewish? (Yes) Are certain breeds of dog Jewish? (No) Could bears be Jewish? As a species, bears are not kosher. That's actually in their favor since we Jews, as a general rule, tend not to consume each other. Their eating habits actually fit in nicely| honey, fresh fish; these are good Jewish diets! (OK, digging out of garbage cans, not so much, but they wouldn't do that in their normal habitat.) Unfortunately, there's not much else there. They don't light candles on Friday nights (which is probably for the best, since they live in a forest. Maybe that's how Smokey got the gig in the first place). Few bears seem willing to put in the dedication necessary for the study of Torah. And have you ever tried to get a bear to wear a yarmulke? Trust us when we say it never goes well. So there ya go. No Jews among the Poohs, Paddingtons or Berenstains (despite the latter's Jewish co-creator since it turns out they attend church in one book). But wait, those aren't real bears. They're anthropomorphic talking bears. Does that mean they could still be Jewish? Oh boy. Looks like we're gonna have to push back the deadline on that brochure again.","Barely a Jew","Daffy Duck| Morris Michtom| Snowball| Winnie-the-Pooh| Big Bad Wolf"
235,"Jason Alexander",12,4,4,4,"What makes a good actor? Perhaps, it's losing oneself in a role. Take Tom Cruise, for instance. In every movie, he plays the same character: a cocky know-it-all prick. Sometimes he is a pilot, sometimes he is a lawyer, sometimes he is an agent, but he is always Tom Cruise. This is not acting; this is posing; in real life, he's a cocky know-it-all prick as well. Not so with Jason Alexander. George Costanza was neurotic, greedy, and dishonest. Alexander seems well-spoken, charitable and intelligent. Well, George and Jason do have one thing in common. Costanza, as we discussed in his own profile, is half-Jewish. Alexander got both halves covered. So we are more than happy to add Jason to our list of fine Jewish thespians. Let the goyim have Tom Cruise.","Jew","George Costanza| Tom Cruise| Julia Louis-Dreyfus| Michael Richards| Jerry Seinfeld"
236,"Allen Ginsberg",12,4,4,4,"Poet Allen Ginsberg: Beatnik, Buddhist, Jersyan, Jew. Embraced the haiku.","Jew","Bob Dylan| James Franco| Philip Glass| Abbie Hoffman| The Japanese"
237,"Jean Lafitte",9,3,1,5,"When we were growing up, we wanted to be firefighters. ""Son, there are no Jewish firefighers,"" our parents would say. Saddened, we decided to become astronauts. ""I'm sorry to tell you there are no Jewish astronauts either,"" was the response. This was before Judith Resnik. Where were we to turn? One obvious solution. We wanted to be pirates! ""Sigh,"" our parents said. ""There are so many great professions for a young Jewish boy. A pirate is just not one of them. There just aren't| and there never have been — Jewish pirates."" So we listened, and picked more proper professions. And all seemed well. But somewhere, in the back of our mind, that pirate dream still remained. Oh, why did we listen to our parents? No Jewish pirates? There WAS a Jewish pirate! Meet Jean Lafitte. A French-born Sephardi Jew. And a pirate. And what a pirate! The most feared pirate in the Caribbean! The mere sound of his name would send chills down one's spine. Jean Lafitte. He pillaged treasure. Jean Lafitte. He showed no mercy. Jean Lafitte. He was a Jew. Oh, why did we listen to our parents?","Borderline Jew","Moses Henriques| Jeffrey Hoffman| Samuel Pallache| Sinan Reis| Judith Resnik"
238,"Yaphet Kotto",10,5,2,3,"Hey, it's THAT guy! We remember Kotto as the token black man in the movie ""Alien"". And as the villainous Mr. Big in Roger Moore's first outing as James Bond, ""Live and Let Die"". If you're a fan of ""Homicide: Life on the Street"", you probably know him as Lieutenant Al Giardello. In any case, if you are a consumer of the various visual media produced by this society, you can bet your bottom dollar you've seen him somewhere. Born in good ol' NYC (just like this profile!), Kotto is actually descended from Cameroon royalty. He's been acting one way or another since age 19 and also works as a writer. Oh yeah, and he's also a practicing, full-blooded Jew. Now that's the kind of plot twist worthy of the many productions you've probably seen Yaphet Kotto in.","Jew","Richard Belzer| Paul Michael Glaser| Charles Grodin| David Paymer| Stephen Tobolowsky"
239,"Mila Kunis",12,4,4,4,"If you've read the the Dustin Diamond profile, you probably think you know where this is going. After all, ""That 70's Show"" is a teenage sitcom featuring beautiful people of both sexes and we all know the rules that come with that. So imagine our surprise to discover that That 70's Jew is none other than the lovely Mila Kunis. Part of the influx of ex-Soviet Jews in the early 90's, we have no idea how active Mila is in the Jewish community. Judging by her choice of boyfriend (Macaulay Culkin? Gevalt!), probably not much. But when you're in Maxim's Top 50 most beautiful women, well... we're willing to turn a blind eye. Of course, since the cancellation of her show, Mila's most prominent role is the voice of comically despised loser Meg on ""Family Guy"". Now that's more like it.","Jew","Dustin Diamond| Seth Green| Ashton Kutcher| Laura Prepon| Regina Spektor"
240,"Billy Joel",10,4,2,4,"The Piano Man. The Entertainer. The Jew? Perhaps. Sadly, our hope of a Jewish Billy the Kid is only floating down The River of Dreams. Yes, both of Billy's parents were Jewish, but he went to a Catholic church, got baptized, and he's currently Keeping The Faith in an Atheist State of Mind. So the Angry Young Man will just have to remain The Stranger to Torah and temple. Oh well. We'll admit we're disappointed, but we're not gonna drink a bottle of Captain Jack over it. After all Billy, we love you Just The Way You Are.","Jew","Michael Bolton| Bob Dylan| Daryl Hall| Barry Manilow| Bruce Springsteen"
241,"Dianne Feinstein",12,3,5,4,"Rejoice, JONJ constituents! Our search for a prominent Jewish politician that we can be proud of looks to be over. Presenting Dianne Feinstein. Prominent? Yes. In the US Congress, it doesn't get more prominent than the Senior Senator from California. Jewish? Yes. Although only half by birth, she went to Hebrew school and chose Judaism over Russian Orthodoxy as a teenager. Obviously, we applaud her for that choice. Proud of? Without going into detail, it looks like a lot of the legislation she's worked on as a senator and previously as the Mayor of San Francisco, from fighting for the environment to gun control, are what we consider worthy of praise. So, our quest is over? Not so fast. It looks like Mrs. Feinstein, already a millionaire many times over, passed some legislation that put billions of dollars into firms owned by her husband. Ugh. Maybe we should just shelve our quest. It looks like being proud of a politician is simply an oxymoron...","Jew","Barbara Boxer| Frank Lautenberg| Harvey Milk| Jacky Rosen| Bernie Sanders"
242,"Irena Szewinska",11,4,2,5,"So, there is a new fastest man in the world. His name is Usain Bolt, he is Jamaican, and no, he is not a Jew. However, hearing of the record, we asked ourselves the question... Has the fastest man in the world ever been a Jew? And... no. We checked everyone from Don Lippincott to Asafa Powell. Not a single Jew there. (Harold Abrahams, the gold medalist in 100 meters at the 1924 Olympics, never held the world record.) We were about to give up, until a new question arose... (everyone!) Has the fastest WOMAN in the world ever been a Jew? And here, we have an emphatic YES. Poland's Irena Szewinska, who ran for the record in 1965, actually set it under her maiden name, Irena Kirszenstein. And is it turns out, Kirszenstein-Szewinska is one of the most accomplished track and field athletes in history. She's won seven Olympic medals, including three golds, and held or shared the fastest woman title for three years. Now, the title of fastest man seems to change hands every year (whoosh! there it goes!). But the fastest woman's mark has stood since 1988, which sounds about 20 years too long to us. Time for a young Jewish girl to run in Irena's oh-so-fast footsteps.","Jew","Harold Abrahams| Faina Melnik| Lon Myers| Tamara and Irina Press| Bobbie Rosenfeld"
243,"Frank Lautenberg",13,5,4,4,"Not many people know this, but after Adam and Eve were kicked out of the Garden of Eden, they sublet an apartment from a young Frank Lautenberg for six months before they found a place of their own. In 1215, when the English were drafting the Magna Carta, they actually ran out of parchment, but they were able to purchase more from Frank Lautenberg's shop down the street. And during the Civil War, it was Frank Lautenberg who, because of a late business meeting, gave his seats at Ford's Theater to Abraham Lincoln. Nowadays, Frank Lautenberg is a senator for the state of New Jersey. He's also really really really old. As a senator, he hasn't done anything for us to complain about, which is the highest praise we can bestow. He'll be running again in 2008, which means eventually we'll have to update this profile with Frank's many adventures flying cars around Venus or whatever else this ageless wonder gets himself into.","Jew","Carl Levin| Joe Lieberman| Chuck Schumer| Bruce Springsteen| Paul Wellstone"
244,"Moishe Rosen",5,4,1,0,"There are many things in life we don't understand. Ash Wednesday. Integral calculus. Joyce's ""Ulysses"". Revolutionary War reenactors. Hot borscht. Cricket. And Jews for Jesus. Seriously, where do we begin? We understand ""Jews"". That part makes sense. We understand ""Jesus"". He has his followers. It's the ""for"" that we have major problem with. Clearly, Moishe Rosen, founder of movement, is cool with the combination. But that doesn't make him a visionary. Just delusional. Jews for Jesus? How does that fit? What's next, Atheists for God?","Barely a Jew","Jesus Christ| Ray Comfort| William Saunders Crowdy| Anton LaVey| Reggie White"
245,"Mikhail Botvinnik",14,4,5,5,"Recently, we looked through undisputed world heavyweight boxing champions to find a Jew. It was difficult, but we succeeded. Today, we're up to a much easier task. Finding a Jewish undisputed world chess champion. Yeah, this should take about two seconds. One... two. So far, there have been fifteen undisputed world chess champions. Seven of them, including, oh, let's pick one, three-time titleholder Mikhail Botvinnik, were ethnically Jewish. Well, that was simple. One thing bothers us, however. Seven out of fifteen? That's a surprisingly low number. Honestly, we expected at least 75% here. Well, two ways it can go from here. Either some creative researcher is going to find if Jose Raul Capablanca, Boris Spassky, and Viswanathan Anand have Jewish heritage, or... we'll just have to dust off the old chess board ourselves. Watch out, chess world.","Jew","Garry Kasparov| Emanuel Lasker| Vasily Smyslov| Wilhelm Steinitz| Mikhail Tal"
246,"Lance Berkman",5,0,1,4,"Here's an odd one. Apparently, some people out there think Houston Astros' superstar Lance Berkman might be Jewish. Not to give away the big surprise or anything, but he's not. Mistaken Judaism happens all the time, of course, and usually it's pretty clear why. Not this time. Is the name Berkman Jewish-sounding? Even if it were, isn't the whole theory out the window with a name like Lance? After all, even the world's best bagel is verboten once you throw a huge hunk of bacon on it. He's over six feet tall, weighs over 220 pounds, grew up in rural Texas, loves ballroom dancing, and is nicknamed Fat Elvis. How is this man even remotely Jewish? Need we go on? The only reason to assume Lance Berkman is Jewish is that he's awesome and since Judaism is awesome, too, they simply belong together. It's a stretch, but hey, it makes about as much sense as the idea that Lance Berkman is Jewish in the first place.","Not a Jew","Brad Ausmus| Alex Bregman| David Eckstein| Mike Jacobs| Elvis Presley"
247,"Edgar Davids",7,2,1,4,"For those who don't know, the European soccer championship is going on right now. It's like a mini World Cup. For three weeks, teams will battle out to figure out who is the best country on the continent: Sweden or Spain. Germany or Poland. Poor Poland. But it's not Poland we're interested in today, it's the Netherlands. And we cheat a bit here, since today's subject is not included in the current Dutch squad. Edgar Davids is currently at the tail end of his career that saw him spend a decade at some of Europe's most glamorous clubs. During that time, he was considered one of the best defensive midfielders in the world. And yes, the Suriname-born dark-skinned goggle-wearing dread-locked Dutchman has Jewish roots. According to Davids himself, one of his grandparents is Jewish. Which means a couple of things: Davids is probably the first person with Jewish blood to be nicknamed ""The Bulldog"", and... Excuse us, we need to wrap this up. France versus Romania is starting.","Barely a Jew","Ajax Amsterdam| Johan Cruyff| Johan Neeskens| Tottenham Hotspur| Aron Winter"
248,"Oliver Kahn",2,0,0,2,"As far as last names go, it doesn't get more Jewish than ""Cohen"". Or any of its derivations, be it ""Kogan"", ""Coen"", ""Cohn"", or ""Kahn"". Or so we thought. For, as it was pointed out to us, Germany's long-time soccer goalkeeper Oliver Kahn is not very likely to be Jewish. Just look at him: 6'2"", 200 pounds, and unmistakably Aryan. And no research has uncovered any proof that Kahn is somehow Jewish. Just as well; from what we read, he sounds like a giant douchebag. But what do we do about the last name? The answer here is simple, really. The ""Kahn"" in this case probably does not come from long-forgotten Jewish roots. It likely comes from the German word ""Kahn"", meaning a small boat. A small boat full of douchebag? No, thank you.","Not a Jew","Boris Becker| Edgar Davids| Lothar Matthaus| Helmut Schmidt| Lev Yashin"
249,"Emmanuelle Chriqui",11,5,3,3,"To be honest, we haven't seen ""You Don't Mess with the Zohan"" yet. In the film, Sandler plays a former Israeli commando who retires to become a hairdresser in New York. So he ends up working in a salon for a Palestinian woman, played by Emmanuelle Chriqui. (Oh, we wonder if the two will look past their cultural differences and end up together!) And, we are assured, hilarity ensues. By now, you know where this is going. The lovely Miss Chriqui is not Palestinian at all. She is Jewish, and what's more, she was raised Orthodox. Now, that upbringing did not stop her from engaging in a threesome on HBO's ""Entourage"", but who are we to complain about that? It's still more respectable than appearing in an Adam Sandler movie.","Jew","Scott Caan| Adam Goldberg| Debi Mazar| Jeremy Piven| Adam Sandler"
250,"Art Garfunkel",11,4,5,2,"It's funny to think about things that seem really obvious now, but at the time were heavily debated. For instance, for the longest time, there was a huge debate in the astronomy field over the existence of other planets. No one had ever seen one outside of our solar system. Maybe there weren't any others. Of course, nowadays, it's not even worth discussing. Of course there are planets. Duh. Similarly, when Simon and Garfunkel split in 1970, there must have been a whole contingent of people convinced that it was the beginning of Art Garfunkel's great solo career. Triple platinum Garfunkel albums. Garfunkel holiday TV specials. Millions of dedicated Garfunkel groupies wearing Garfunkel fros. Then reality set in. To be a Jewish rock star? Well, we've found plenty of those. To be a Jewish rock star who looks SO Jewish? OK, there are still a few. But to be a Jewish rock star who looks so Jewish AND is completely and unapologetically dorky? That's just impossible. Seriously, we know people took a lot of drugs in the 70s, but no amount of cocaine will make people overlook all that.","Jew","Mama Cass| Jorma Kaukonen| Pointy-Haired Boss| David Rabinowitz| Paul Simon"
251,"Jay Sherman",10,2,5,3,"Allow us to be serious for a moment. We're going to talk about adoption. And we're going to use a character from an obscure animated series to do so. Jay Sherman was ""The Critic"". Jay Sherman looked, talked, and acted Jewish. Jay Sherman was played by Jewish actor Jon Lovitz. But Jay Sherman was adopted as a baby. By a WASP family. So, as far as his upbringing was concerned, he wasn't Jewish at all. Talk about hilarious mismatches. You see, we often talk about the percentage of Jewish blood on this website. He has one Jewish grandparent! She is Jewish on her father's side! Etc. What we don't consider in this discussion is the possibility of adoption. If that one Jewish ancestor was adopted, then the whole line might be cut off. Our subject is no longer the descendant of Abraham. He is the descendant of John Johnson, methodist priest. Or Trond Petterson, viking. Or Jurgen von Klusendorf, pig butcher. You get the idea. Of course, in those cases, if the person feels attachment to the Jewish roots that were never really there, who are we to judge? Especially since there might always be another Jew somewhere on the family tree. But what do we do in the opposite case, what do we do with Jay Sherman? Ah, who cares. After all, he is just a character from an obscure animated series.","Borderline Jew","Kent Brockman| James L. Brooks| Dr. Katz| Jon Lovitz| Gene Siskel"
252,"Linda Lingle",10,4,3,3,"You got us. We admit it. We hate Christmas. We hate everything about it: from the egg nog to Rudolph to ""It's a Wonderful Life"". And Christmas carols? Don't get us started on Christmas carols. So if we ever became, oh, just to throw it out there, the governor of, let's say... Hawaii, the first thing we'd do is to ban Christmas. Just like that... poof. No more Santa. No more Nativity scenes. No more candy canes. Sounds far-fetched? You bet. But it didn't stop Linda Lingle's opponents from claiming she would abolish Christmas as a state holiday if she won the gubernatorial election. Well, Linda became Hawaii's first Jewish governor, and, as far as we know, Hawaiians still celebrate Christmas. Hmmmm. Maybe Ms. Lingle doesn't hate fruitcake and elves as much as we do. You got off easy, Hawaiians.","Jew","Santa Claus| The Grinch| Madeleine Kunin| Brian Schatz| Ebenezer Scrooge"
253,"Mark Rothko",12,4,3,5,"Mark Rothko, one of the most accomplished artists of the 20th century, was born in Latvia as Marcus Rothkowitz. His father, a secular Jew, decided to turn to Orthodox Judaism. So Marcus was sent to cheder to study the Talmud, something he did not really enjoy.Immigration, name change, colorforms, and suicide followed.27 years after his death, Rothko's ""White Center"" was sold for 72.8 million. It's hard for us to comprehend that. Sure, the colors are nice; we might give a million for it. Or maybe five. But 72.8?Still, we gotta hand it to Rothko, and it has nothing to do with that sale price. So what if he Anglicized his name? So what if his paintings are just slabs of color one on top of each other? So what if one of his major works is a chapel? So what if he killed himself? Any man who did not enjoy Hebrew school but still considered himself a Jew is cool in our book.","Jew","Marc Chagall| Yves Klein| Lee Krasner| Jacques Lipchitz| Peter Max"
254,"Brad Ausmus",9,3,3,3,"As discussed last week, the vaguely Jewish-sounding Lance Berkman is not Jewish. Further, his even more Jewish-sounding Houston Astro teammate Geoff Blum is also not Jewish. Know who is? Blum and Berkman's not-even-close-to-Jewish-sounding teammate Brad Ausmus. Which is like finding out that Cracker Barrel makes a really good matzoh ball soup. As a baseball player Ausmus is nothing special. He's barely scraping above a .250 batting average for his career with an OBP and SLG that are too obscene to be printed here. His backers praise him for his handling of pitchers and his defense, which is like saying your blind date has a ""nice personality."" It's like he's the bizarro Ryan Braun. On the other hand though, as a Jew, Ausmus is not half bad. He might only be half by birth, but seems proud of his background, though he doesn't make a big deal of it. He was even inducted into the Jewish Athlete Hall of Fame. Just goes to show you, you can't judge a torah by its robe.","Jew","Moe Berg| Lance Berkman| Ryan Braun| Ryan Lavarnway| Bob Melvin"
255,"Zinedine Zidane",4,0,0,4,"For 4000 years, no Jew has ever executed the headbutt. Not Herschel the Goatherder, when Baruch the Thief stole his prize goat. Not Rivka the Hairdresser, when Hena the Temptress stole her husband. Herschel sued Baruch in the local court. He got the goat back. Rivka went to Hena's house and broke all her dishes. She didn't get her husband back. Headbutting? That never entered the equation. So how can anyone out there think that Zinedine Zidane is Jewish? Believe it or not, some people do. Maybe it's the Semitic looks. Maybe it's the unconventional name. Who knows. Well, Zidane is not Jewish; not even close. His parents are from Algeria, and he is a Muslim, be it an unobservant one. Lawsuits? Passive-aggressive attacks? Emotionally destructive psychological abuse? Absolutely. But headbutts? Never.","Not a Jew","David Beckham| Dani Carvajal| Antoine Griezmann| Lothar Matthaus| David Trezeguet"
256,"Ron Jeremy",8,4,3,1,"To those of us who recognize the man pictured on the left, Ron Jeremy needs no introduction. Few men can match the length and breadth of Jeremy's storied career. A former school teacher, he's been spreading pleasure to fans of fine films everywhere since the late 1970s. Not known for his good looks, Ron plays the everyman| the copy machine repairman, the plumber, the pool boy, the television repairman — in his pictures, giving his fans the ability to fantasize that it's them who's appearing in the role. Beyond starring in movies, Jeremy has appeared in music videos, television shows and even video games. Who, er, what will he do next? Who knows. But you have to figure it's gonna be something good. Because Ron Jeremy is a man who knows how to come out on top.","Sadly, a Jew","Joanna Angel| Seymore Butts| Hugh Hefner| Jenna Jameson| Evan Seinfeld"
257,"David Stern",12,4,4,4,"If you troll around the Interwebs for a while, you're bound run across a reference to the World Jewish Conspiracy, which, according to the nut jobs who believe in it, is a secret Hebrew Cabal that controls the world through their devious financial machinations. It's a completely ludicrous fantasy that is both pathologically paranoid and disgustingly bigoted. Goyim: There is no World Jewish Conspiracy secretly plotting to destroy you. Your life just sucks of its own accord. But, on the other hand, we're beginning to wonder if there isn't something just as insidious going on somewhere far more unexpected: professional sports. David Stern, commissioner of the NBA? Jew. Bud Selig, commissioner of MLB? Jew. Gary Bettman, commissioner of the NHL? Jew, as previously profiled. Heck, even Don Garber, the commissioner of Major League Soccer, is Jewish! Who's missing? NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. Somehow he slipped through. What evil works will this Israeli Illuminati of Athletics plot next? Wild card playoff systems, corrupt referees, year long strikes| anything is possible in a sports world controlled by the secret Jewish sports conspiracy. Beware!","Jew","Gary Bettman| Mark Cuban| Maurice Podoloff| Bud Selig| Adam Silver"
258,"Screech Powers",4,1,3,0,"Because we strive for accuracy above everything here on JONJ, we need to point out something that might have confused our readers. Dustin Diamond, the actor who portrayed Screech on Saved by the Bell, is, sadly, Jewish. We will refer you to his profile for details of his lameness. However, the character of Screech was NOT Jewish, his Uncle Murray be damned. How do we know? On at least one episode, it is mentioned that Screech's family attends church. Yes, we admit to watching it the show. We were young. We didn't know any better. Kelly Kapowski was really hot. How many excuses do you really need? So forgive us for using the actor's and the character's name interchangeably. We promise to be more careful in the future. You should only expect the best from JONJ. Even when we talk about the dorkiest character in television history. Sheesh, when we did we start to take ourselves so seriously?","Not a Jew","Elizabeth Berkley| Dustin Diamond| Mark-Paul Gosselaar| Tori Spelling| Lisa Turtle"
259,"Stu Ungar",10,4,2,4,"Ah, the Jew Score| our favorite part of the site. So beloved. So misunderstood. Let's use poker legend Stu Ungar to take a closer look, shall we? I is for inner. Ungar was born to two Jewish parents in the Lower East Side of NYC. Since he didn't do much in the way of Jewishness after that, this is an easy 4. O is for outer. Ungar might look Jewish, but he certainly didn't act that way. While certainly more common in Jews than, say, headbutting, gambling and drug addiction aren't exactly renowned Jewish qualities. Further, there are no stories where Ungar won millions gambling, blew it all on horses and cocaine, passed out in his Vegas hotel room, woke up the next morning... and then went to shul. So the O stays low. A 2 ought to do it. As for the K score, well, he is widely considered the greatest poker player of all time. And may have been the best gin player as well. And if there was a ""coolness"" score it'd be through the roof. So we give him a 4, dinging him 1 point for his self-destructive nature, thus ruining our millions of young readers by telling them drug addiction is A-OK as long as you're good at cards. And there you have it. One exciting Jew score composition. It may sound like a lot of work just to pick three random numbers, but in the end, we feel you're worth it. So long as it doesn't interfere with our own personal poker habits.","Jew","Annie Duke| Jack of Clubs| Gabe Kaplan| Mike Matusow| Kevin Pollak"
260,"Amy Winehouse",11,4,3,4,"Hey, you! Are we hearing something? Yes, you! Us? You, dammit it, you! The ones writing this profile! Uhhh... The profile of Amy Winehouse! For JewOrNotJew.com! Who the hell are you? I am the Demon of Snark! The demon of what? Of snark! You know, every time you want to write something snarky on this website, I'm the one who gives you hints. Oh. So it was you all along... Of course it was me! You think you can come up with all those pithy observations on your own? Uh... Without me, you would be nothing! Just another lame website! So why can we hear you now? I gotta talk to you about this profile. Amy Winehouse? Yes, Amy Winehouse, are you listening?! Yeah, we're listening... I think you should drop the snark for this one. Huh? Weren't you gonna write about Amy's drug use? Weren't you gonna call her names? Well... Well, drop it! Drop the snark! Amy Winehouse was a beautiful Jewish woman with a voice of an angel! So you are a fan? Why does it matter if I am a fan? Fine, I'm a fan! Just drop the snark! Fine, we'll drop the snark. We guess we all have our demons...","Jew","Samantha Fox| Courtney Love| Alanis Morissette| Pink| Hillel Slovak"
261,"Daffy Duck",11,3,3,5,"We nixed talking bears with the Berenstains. So how about talking ducks? Well, Daffy wasn't created by a Jew, but he was voiced by one: the venerable Mel Blanc. But more importantly there's this: ""Blanc... played Daffy as if he were a Jewish comic, while playing Sylvester as if he were Gentile."" As Daffy might say: a-HA! Now ordinarily, one quote and a Jewish voice actor don't really amount to much. But the truth is we really like Daffy. And the idea of him as a hard working Jew surrounded by more popular characters like idiot treif Porky and gloryhound goyishe Bugs is kind of attractive to us. Daffy takes all the punishment in the world, but comes out on top thanks to hard work and guile. Who could be a better role model? What's that? Just because we like him doesn't make him Jewish? And it doesn't matter anyway because Daffy's not Jewish, he's black? Prepothterous!","Borderline Jew","Mel Blanc| Bugs Bunny| Scrooge McDuck| Launchpad McQuack| Yosemite Sam"
262,"Daryl Hannah",6,2,2,2,"How did we become Jewish? Well, we were born into Jewish families. Our father was Jewish, our mother was Jewish. The decision was pretty much made for us. Not that we're complaining. The decision could have been harder if one of our parents was not Jewish. Or, if we came from a broken family and were raised by a stepparent. If fairy tales are to be believed, stepparents tend to be evil. They make you do chores. They ask their servants to kill you. They don't take you to balls. They poison you with apples. Etc. In real life, we're told, stepparents are sometimes nice. Take Daryl Hannah, who loved her stepfather so much that she considers him as her father. And, with her stepfather being Jewish, Hannah, although never formally converted, considers herself Jewish as well. Sometimes, good things come out of broken families.","Borderline Jew","Harrison Ford| Tony Gonzalez| Steve Guttenberg| Steve Martin| Michael Richards"
263,"Bar Refaeli",12,5,4,3,"Sometimes, words are just not necessary.","Jew","Esti Ginzburg| Shira Haas| Rina Messinger| Chava Mond| Emily Ratajkowski"
264,"Sylvester Stallone",4,2,0,2,"Coming to you live from glamorous New Jersey, it's the Jewies: the first annual Jew or Not Jew awards. Cue the music! First of all, we want to congratulate J.D. Salinger, who narrowly edged out Stan Lee for the oldest living profilee. Are we sure J.D. is still alive? He is? Don't worry, Stan, there's always next year... And now, the nominees for Most Surprising Person with Jewish Heritage: musician Billy Joel... Singer and dancer Paula Abdul... News anchor Katie Couric... And the Italian Stallion, Sylvester Stallone! And the winner is... Gosh, can you feel the excitement? It's Sylvester Stallone! What's that, Sly? We know you're overjoyed, but we can't understand through the mumbling... Sylvester Stallone, ladies and gentlemen! Say hello to that long lost Jewish grandmother for us, please. Coming up next: the eagerly awaited Best Beard category...","Barely a Jew","Paula Abdul| Katie Couric| Mickey Goldmill| Billy Joel| Bruce Willis"
265,"Robin Williams",7,0,3,4,"Robin Williams was not Jewish. But would we want him to be? ProConCalls himself an ""honorary Jew"" Father Episcopalian, mother Christian Scientist ""Moscow on the Hudson"", ""Good Morning, Vietnam"", ""Aladdin"", ""Mrs. Doubtfire"", ""Insomnia"" ""Flubber"", ""Jack"", ""Patch Adams"", ""Death to Smoochy"", ""RV"", ""License to Wed""... Went to 14 bar mitzvahs in one year Cocaine addict and alcoholic Uses Yiddish in his comedy Uses silly voices in his comedy Best Supporting Actor Oscar for ""Good Will Hunting,"" should have won for ""Dead Poets Society"" Seriously, have you seen ""Patch Adams""? Feh. See how much easier it is when you do things scientifically?","Sadly, Not a Jew","Billy Crystal| The Genie| Whoopi Goldberg| Barry Levinson| Steve Martin"
266,"Alex Rodriguez",4,0,1,3,"Y'know, there's nothing better than a sex scandal. Unless it's a JEWISH sex scandal. For those of you living under a rock Alex Rodriguez| the man, the myth, the clutch strikeout — was recently caught leaving Madonna's home in the wee hours of the morning. Ordinarily this is nothing that would get us excited. After all, Latin players leaving Madonna's house at odd hours is an ancient baseball tradition (Jose Canseco: Not a Jew). But Alex wasn't over there for sex! Never! No, he was there for a serious religious discussion: they're both Kabbalists! Ah, A-Rod and Madonna, sitting over an open Torah, sipping Manischewitz as they discuss the finer points of Jewish law. Can't you just see it? ""But Madonna,"" Alex would say, ""if I cannot work on the Sabbath, can I not light my oven to cook a nice meal for my family?"" ""Ah,"" Madonna would reply, ""but according to the Talmud you can light the oven the day before and that would be permissible in Hashem's eyes."" Then they would laugh merrily and crack open another jar of gefilte fish. Or, y'know, not. In related news, Alex's wife was recently spotted with Lenny Kravitz. Now that's a policy we can endorse: can't keep your husband from shtupping a wannabe Jew? Go out and get yourself a real one!","Not a Jew","Cameron Diaz| Kate Hudson| Lenny Kravitz| Madonna| George Steinbrenner"
267,"Janusz Korczak",15,5,5,5,"We rarely give out the perfect 15/15 Jew Score; it takes a lot to earn one. Cure polio, for instance. Or develop the theory of structure of space and time. Or direct ""Robin Hood: Men in Tights"". It's a special club, and we like to keep it so. Currently, we have 13 profiles that score 13/15. There are nine profiles that got 14/15. Only six have achieved that perfect score. Well, make that seven. Yet, unlike the first six, few probably heard of Janusz Korczak. So who was Janusz Korczak? The Polish doctor and writer, born Henryk Goldszmit, is famous throughout Europe for his novels about Macius, the boy king. But those books alone, as brilliant as they might be, would not give Korczak JONJ perfection. In charge of a Jewish orphanage in Warsaw during World War II, Korczak was offered to leave to safety. He wouldn't; he wanted to stay with the children. He was offered to leave again and again, even as the orphans were being transferred to an extermination camp. Korczak stayed with them. He stayed with them through the end. Giving him the perfect score is the least we could do.","Jew","Mordechai Anielewicz| Anne Frank| Primo Levi| Franceska Mann| Raoul Wallenberg"
268,"John Kerry",7,3,1,3,"When the second annual Jewies are held next year, Sly Stallone is going to have a contender for his coveted Most Surprising Person with Jewish Heritage title. That's because John Kerry is not really a Kerry. If his grandfather chose not to assimilate, the 2004 presidential candidate would have been named John Kohn. Of course, if Kerry was a Kohn, it's hard to imagine him becoming a presidential candidate in the first place. We'll see a Jew on Mars before we see a major political party nominate one for the nation's highest office. So maybe grandpa Fritz made the right decision? Opening the doors for his grandson and what not? Nah. Not after John lost to THAT incumbent.","Barely a Jew","Hillary Clinton| Barry Goldwater| Al Gore| Joe Lieberman| Sylvester Stallone"
269,"Benjamin Spock",7,0,2,5,"Previously we profiled Leonard Nimoy, who played Mr. Spock on TV's Star Trek. However, this is not a profile of our pointy eared pal Mr. Spock. This is a profile of the man he is often confused for, Dr. Spock. And the two could not be more different. Mr. Spock| from the planet Vulcan. Dr. Spock — born in Connecticut. Mr. Spock — an adventurer and scientist who always advised his Captain to hold logic above emotional concerns. Dr. Spock — a writer and pediatrician who advised parents to show their babies affection. Mr. Spock — symbol of overweight, unathletic dorks everywhere. Dr. Spock — won a gold medal rowing in the 1924 Olympics. Mr. Spock — played by a Jew, therefore at least possibly Jewish according to the Jewish actor = Jewish fictional character (but only if we like them) corollary postulated by this website. Dr. Spock — not a Jew. Darn. Seriously, how does anyone get these two confused?","Sadly, Not a Jew","Dear Abby| Henry Heimlich| Ann Landers| Bob Moch| Leonard Nimoy"
270,"B. J. Blazkowicz",9,3,2,4,"Call of Duty. Company of Heroes. Super Mario Bros. Let's face it: video games are full of Nazis. We have no problem with that| most of the time these games are about killing said Nazis. But there's a part of us that has to wonder: If killing Nazis is the virtual world's principle preoccupation, where are all the Jews? After all, if there's any justice in this world our pixelated peeps would be out there kickin' some Nazi tuchus! And whaddaya know? The bubbeleh of all first-person-shooter-Nazi killers — Wolfenstein 3D — may, indeed, feature a Jewish protagonist: BJ Blazkowicz. But is this gun-toting vildechaya really Jewish? Having played the games we can say fairly confidently that BJ doesn't get points for killing Nazis and then collecting Torahs. In fact, the evidence of his Judaism is limited to a few random quotes from the Village Voice and other scattered Internet detritus. Even the name: Joseph Blazkowicz would be a maybe. But William Joseph seems fishy. And we can say with confidence that no Jew EVER has or will refer to himself as BJ. Seriously. That's just not happening. So he's probably just a Nazi-killing Pole, which, y'know, is nice and all, but doesn't really solve the problem. With all the fantastical creatures floating around video game land — from pellet munching geometry to spiky haired, magical pre-pubescents — you'd think there'd be room for at least a couple of Jews, right? (Editor's update, October 26, 2017: Wolfenstein 2 is finally out, and what do you know: goyishe father, Jewish mother! Still... BJ?)","Jew","Clutch| Commander Keen| Little Mac| B. J. Novak| Doctor Robotnik"
271,"Lenny Krayzelburg",14,5,4,5,"A while back, we lamented that Yakov Smirnoff is the face of Russian Jews in America. Well, we're about to change that. Sure, the stench of Yakov's ""In Soviet Russia"" jokes will be hard to erase, but with the bearded comic stashed away in Missouri, it's time for a change. So what if we're a bit late with Lenny Krayzelburg. In the Sydney Olympics in 2000, the Soviet-born swimmer won three golds for America. Four year later in Athens, he helped the US to another one. And in 2001, Krayzelburg skipped the World Championship in order to fulfill his childhood dream and participate in the Maccabiah Games. The result? Do you need to ask? So take your balalaika and shove it, Smirnoff. We don't know what the deal with Soviet Russia was, but on this website, Krayzelburg out-Jews you.","Jew","Anthony Ervin| Jason Lezak| Yakov Smirnoff| Rebecca Soni| Mark Spitz"
272,"Friedrich Engels",5,0,2,3,"","Not a Jew","Kurt Eisner| Vladimir Lenin| Rosa Luxemburg| Karl Marx| Charles Ruthenberg"
273,"Rashida Jones",10,3,3,4,"Believe it or not, we, the creators of Jew or Not Jew, do not always harmoniously co-exist. Every day is filled with arguments, such as: Do we incorporate recent evidence of Bob Dylan's supposed return to Judaism into his profile? Do we keep up our frantic pace of a new profile every weekday? (yes, for now) Chocolate, coconut, or plain macaroons? (still undecided) And... Pam or Karen from ""The Office""? Let's just say that that last question has been discussed a bit more often than the macaroon conundrum. Hell, Karen hasn't been a regular for a year now, and we're still debating it. On one hand, Pam has a great personality. On the other hand, Karen is super hot. But then, Pam is no slouch in the looks department either. Hmmmmm. Maybe we can use Jewishness as a tiebreaker? Neither character is Jewish. The actress who plays Pam, Jenna Fischer, is not either. But the actress who plays Karen, Rashida Jones, is. Yes, Rashida is half-black, the daughter of Quincy Jones, but she is also half-Jewish, by birth, and full-Jewish, by her beliefs. So, does that settle the argument? No? Figures. Maybe we should just let it go and stick to debating macaroons...","Jew","Jenna Fischer| Toby Flenderson| Ezra Koenig| John Krasinski| Peggy Lipton"
274,"David Lee Roth",10,4,3,3,"Let's say you've just had a son and you want nothing more than to raise a nice American Jewish boy. And so you name him David. David Roth. What a mensch! Loves his mother. Does his chores. Always has good grades and a nice girl to bring home from school. Goes to a good Northeastern college and ends up an accountant, a lawyer or hope against hope, an honest to G-d doctor like his father. After all, people who want rock star children give them rock star names: Eddie Van Halen. Lars Ulrich. Stevie Nicks. David Roth? That's a name for singing in front of the congregation, not the stadium. But it was not to be. David was able to overcome his nominal destiny and, for a time, he was David Lee Roth: Extra super big party boy rock star, shirking his role as hero of Jewish mothers everywhere for a life of rebellion and debauchery. ""Hot for Rabbi""? ""Hora the Night Away""? How about ""Israel"" instead of ""Panama""? The word still fits, and that song never made any damn sense anyway. No such luck. So much for nice Jewish Dr. David Roth, esquire. Although, the way his rock star resume has gone in the 18 years since its apex, those careers may yet happen...","Jew","David Draiman| Dave Mustaine| Axl Rose| Chuck Schuldiner| Gene Simmons"
275,"Peter Revson",8,3,2,3,"There are not that many Jewish playboys. There are not that many Jewish race car drivers. (We didn't check. We didn't have to.) There are not that many Jews who die young. (Ever since that guy 2000 years ago, we learned to take care of ourselves.) There are, however, a few Jews who are heirs to cosmetic fortunes. (The Factors. The Lauders. In this case, the Revlons.) So yes, Peter Revson was at one time the Revlon heir. And, unlike other Jews (to be fair, he was only half Jewish), he got the first three mentioned categories covered. A playboy who once dated some of the most beautiful women in the world. A race car driver, the last American-born one to win a Formula 1 rice. And a young death, crashing during a practice run at the South African Grand Prix. So, young Jewish (and half Jewish) cosmetic heirs, if you don't want Revson to stand alone here, the ball is in your court. All you need to do is date a bunch of supermodels, and drive a race car to your death. In that order, preferably.","Borderline Jew","Francois Cevert| Max Factor| Hugh Hefner| Estee Lauder| Stirling Moss"
276,"Don ""Moses"" Lerman",11,5,5,1,"We've profiled champions. We've profiled record-holders (Mark Spitz). We've yet to profile a true American hero. (Well, we did profile Abraham Lincoln. So let's say we've yet to profile a true JEWISH American hero.) Meet Don ""Moses"" Lerman. World Baked Beans Eating Champion (6 lbs in 1:48). World Bologna Eating Champion (2.76 lbs in six minutes). World Butter Eating Champion (1.75 lbs in five minutes). World Hamburger Eating Champion (11.25 in ten minutes). Mind-boggling. Earth-shattering. Gut-wrenching. But what's that? The bologna on record was made from chicken and... pork? PORK? Don ""Moses"" Lerman, how could you? A JEWISH American hero you are not.","Jew","Charles Feltman| Ashrita Furman| Sandy Koufax| Oscar Mayer| Adam Richman"
277,"Rina Messinger",12,4,4,4,"As you probably know by now, if there is a beautiful Jewish woman out there, then at some point she's gonna be profiled on this website. But who is to judge who is beautiful and who is not? Sure, we can leave it to Hollywood, but then for every Natalie Portman you get a Sarah Jessica Parker. Sheesh. So we turn to a fairer panel, the Miss Universe pageant. For if you can't trust the opinion of a judge's panel consisting of cosmetic executives, magazine publishers, and ex-jocks, who can you trust? After that exhaustive lead-in, we're finally at our point. There has been at least one Jewish Miss Universe, Rina Messinger. And not only was she a beauty; at the time of her victory, she was a pilot in the Israeli army. A bomb-dropping Jewish bombshell? Now that's something you don't need a panel to approve.","Jew","Gal Gadot| Bess Myerson| Sarah Jessica Parker| Natalie Portman| Bar Refaeli"
278,"Corey Pavin",5,3,1,1,"""And now here's Pavin with an easy putt for par."" ""You know, Jim, Pavin was actually born Jewish."" ""Bob, I did not know that."" ""But he converted for his wife."" ""Ooooooh, the ball was in the hole but it lipped out, that'll drop him to 1-over."" ""His ex-wife."" ""Another miss for Pavin. Double bogey now."" ""And now he's become one of the most openly religious players on the tour, spreading his born-again Christianity to anyone who'll listen."" ""Ugh, and that's triple bogey for Pavin. Awful awful showing here."" ""Just painful to watch a good player collapse like that, Jim. It really is.""","Barely a Jew","Amy Alcott| Daniel Berger| Cristie Kerr| Nancy Lieberman| Morgan Pressel"
279,"Beastie Boys",10,4,2,4,"We owe some people an apology. In a number of profiles, we've been complaining about the lack of cool Jewish rock stars. Madonna doesn't count. Lenny Kravitz is sort of OK. Dylan converted. David Lee Roth would have been great 20 years ago. Barbra Streisand is so abhorrent we haven't even bothered to profile her yet... Well, we'll be the first to admit it: we blew it. Because mensches and mamales, we forgot all about the Beastie Boys. In every way we could have wished| talented, popular, controversial — the Beasties make the grade. And boy oh boy are these boys Jewish. Oh, sure, you're not gonna bump into one of them at oneg, but otherwise these are no-doubters. We're just sorry we didn't notice them until now. No! Sleep! Till Temple!!!","Jew","Spike Jonze| Lenny Kravitz| Silver Jews| Ione Skye| Barbra Streisand"
280,"The Penguin",5,1,3,1,"Scene: We are inside the Batcave. Batman is seated at his desk in front of a large viewscreen. Alfred, his loyal butler, stands at his side. Batman: ""Computer, show me the locations of every Jewish temple in Gotham."" Alfred: ""Temples, sir?"" Batman: ""The Penguin's back in town."" Alfred: ""I see, sir. I assume, then, that his crime spree must be involved with something Jewish in nature."" Batman: ""Alfred, the Penguin is Jewish. It's Friday night. He'll be well on his way to shul by now."" Alfred: ""The Penguin? Jewish? I had no idea."" Batman: ""Of course. For instance, his origin is an obvious Jewish archetype. He was abandoned as a baby and put in a basket in a river. Just like Moses."" Alfred: ""Are you sure that story is still in the current continuity, sir?"" Batman: ""You know, I'm not sure. With all these reboots, it's hard to keep things straight. But even so, look at him! His big nose. His obsession with wealth. His love of herring..."" Alfred: ""I believe, Master Bruce, that you are merely propagating a negative Jewish stereotype."" Batman: ""Really? Alfred: ""I am afraid so, sir."" Batman: ""Wow. I guess I should tell Robin to stop searching all of Gotham's Chinese restaurants."" Alfred: ""Very good, sir."" Next week on Batman: The caped crusader discovers, to his horror, that Black Canary is, in fact, not black. [Editor's Update: In 2019, an episode of the Harley Quinn animated series depicts The Penguin attending his nephew's bar mitzvah. Consider us intrigued, but not convinced. Still, that should teach us to doubt the Batman. He is the world's greatest detective, after all.]","Not a Jew","Danny DeVito| Mojo| Moses| Harley Quinn| Bruce Wayne"
281,"J. Robert Oppenheimer",13,5,4,4,"We're big fans of the Civilization series of games here at JONJ. For the unaware, you take control of a nation, build cities and armies, and conduct research in order to build a civilization that will stand the test of time! Or, at least that's what the box says, anyway. Mostly it's a chance to live out our world domination fantasies over a period of several sleepless nights. Lots of fun. In any case, as you move later in the game, there's an option to take. Do you build the Manhattan Project? If you do, you can create an arsenal of nuclear weapons to terrorize the world and achieve your goal through force. But if you don't, the world could stay a safer, happier place, with no mushroom clouds rising above your enemy's cities, and you can gain a diplomatic victory. So what do we do when faced with that decision? More often than not, we fire up our digital Enrico Fermi (not a Jew, but his wife was), J. Robert Oppenheimer (Jew), and Edward Teller (Jew), and get cranking on that polygonal atomic bomb. Why? Because if we don't, who will? The Indians? The Dutch?... The Germans? Yeah, like we're gonna let that happen.","Jew","Samuel Cohen| Sid Meier| John von Neumann| Isidor Isaac Rabi| Edward Teller"
282,"Ralph Lauren",11,5,2,4,"We at JONJ tend to look down a little on people who change their names to sound less ethnic. After all, we have very ethnic names and they haven't kept us from fame and fortune... But we digress. In any case, though, sometimes we can understand the need to change one's name. Because as much of a global success Ralph Lauren is, would it still be that way if his brand was called Ralph Lifshitz? ""Oh, is that the new Ralph Lifshitz? It's divine!"" ""It's Mandy's birthday, so I bought her a new Lifshitz sweater."" ""The latest designs from the Lifshitz house of ideas were unveiled today."" Well, you get the idea. Seriously, Ralph. Good call.","Jew","Marc Ecko| Max Factor| Calvin Klein| Helena Rubinstein| Diane von Furstenberg"
283,"Bruce Springsteen",6,0,2,4,"If you're from New Jersey, and, for the sake of discussion only, let's say that we are, then there are certain rules that you MUST adhere to, or they ship you off to Delaware. You must go to the mall. You must own/have owned/will own a Camaro. You must own at least one shirt without sleeves. You must like Bruce Springsteen. Which, for those of us who write for this website and live in New Jersey (just for the purposes of this profile, now) is a real problem. Because we hate Bruce Springsteen. Truly. With a passion we reserve only for Camaros and sleeveless shirts (we're either way about the mall). Sadly, we can't deny his Jersey-sainthood, so we give him a nice K score. (But no 5. Take that!) What we can deny, however, is his Judaism, which is wholly non-existent. If there were a second ""i"" in that last name, well, maybe. But as it stands, no such luck. Sorry, Jersey Jews. We suppose it was a nice thought. Y'know, if you're into that sort of thing.","Not a Jew","Zach Braff| Bob Dylan| Leon Hess| Joyce Hyser| Frank Lautenberg"
284,"Nancy Lieberman",7,4,2,1,"If you've seen the sport pages recently, you've probably read that 50-year-old Nancy Lieberman signed a one-week contract to play in the WNBA. Now, we don't pretend to be experts on women's basketball, far from it, but we think most people have heard of Lieberman, though they may remember her by her previous name, Nancy Lieberman-Cline. And with good reason. She's a pioneer. One of the greatest female basketball players ever. Member of the Basketball Hall of Fame. But there's another Hall of Fame that Nancy was inducted into: the International Jewish Sports Hall of Fame. So Lieberman is a great basketball player and a Jew. Profile over! Hooray! Not so fast. Because Nancy, while technically part of the IJSHoF's class of 2007, will never actually be a member. Why not? Although she considers herself Jewish, Nancy is now a born-again Christian. Disgusting. And here we thought we might actually watch a WNBA game. Congrats Nancy, you avoided the Jewish Hall of Fame. But the Jew or Not Jew Hall of Shame? Consider yourself a lifetime member.","Barely a Jew","Sue Bird| Alysha Clark| Natisha Hiedeman| Rebecca Lobo| Moishe Rosen"
285,"Robert Goulet",4,0,1,3,"The truth hurts, doesn't it, Hapsburg? Oh, sure, maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts! The truth might have hurt in ""Naked Gun 2<U+FFFD>: The Smell of Fear"", but in real life, Robert Goulet, the actor who portrayed the diabolical Quentin Hapsburg, was hurt by a lie. Back in the 1960s, Goulet said that his real name was Stanley Applebaum. He claimed that it was a joke; nevertheless, he spent the next 40 years of his life trying to suppress it. Numerous reference works claimed that Applebaum was his true name; Goulet's own website has a whole page devoted to setting it straight. Yes, Goulet likes Jews. Yes, he has worked with numerous Jews. Yes, if he was Jewish, he would not deny it. NO, HE IS NOT STANLEY APPLEBAUM. So, finally, after his years of struggle to regain his identity, we can put Robert Goulet in is proper place. Looks like the cows have come home to roost.","Not a Jew","Joyce Brothers| Yul Brynner| Kevin Kline| Walter Matthau| Elvis Presley"
286,"Norman Schwarzkopf",5,0,1,4,"Famous Jewish generals: 1) Judah Maccabee 2) Moshe Dayan 3) Ariel Sharon 4) ... Yes, we're stumped here. Despite the rumors, Eisenhower was not Jewish. Mark Clark, half Jewish at birth, was baptized. Wesley Clark is borderline at best. And few have heard of Iona Yakir. Hmmmm... Norman Schwarzkopf? You're kidding, right?","Not a Jew","Moshe Dayan| Judah Maccabee| John Monash| Ariel Sharon| Iona Yakir"
287,"Gilda Radner",15,5,5,5,"What's all this hubbub I'm hearing about ""shoe or not shoe""? I don't see why there needs to be a discussion about whether something is a shoe. It either is or it isn't. Are there people really wandering around trying to figure out if what they're wearing on their feet is a shoe? Or is this some attempt by people to exclude clogs from other shoes? Let me tell you, I've been around and I'm well aware of the anti-clog policy many people have. It's bigoted and it's wrong! A clog is just as capable of... What's that? Jew or Not Jew? Oh. Never mind.","Jew","Al Franken| Rita Hayworth| Madeline Kahn| Laraine Newman| Gene Wilder"
288,"Chris Kattan",5,3,1,1,"With all the Jewish comedians out there, one would expect many Jews to have appeared as cast members on Saturday Night Live. Strangely, that is not so. Sure, we got Gilda Radner, Billy Crystal, and Jon Lovitz. Yes, there is Adam Sandler. (Hooray?) But after that... Laraine Newman? Not exactly a household name. And... we're drawing a blank. Rachel Dratch? Pardon us for not getting excited about her. Chevy Chase? No. Bill Murray? No. John Belushi, Eddie Murphy, Phil Hartman, Dennis Miller, Kevin Nealon, Dana Carvey, Mike Myers, Chris Rock, Chris Farley, Norm Macdonald, Will Ferrell... Really, anyone worth a damn, and... No. So we have to settle for half-Jews of various quality, such as Maya Rudolph, Rob Schneider, and Chris Kattan. CHRIS Kattan? Half-Jewish? CHRIS Kattan? Really? Is it too late to research Bill Murray's ancestry?","Borderline Jew","Billy Crystal| Rachel Dratch| Will Ferrell| Jon Lovitz| Rob Schneider"
289,"Jonah Hill",12,4,4,4,"Choose Your Own Adventure With JONJ! count = 0; age = new Array eve = new Array(""Your mom bakes a huge birthday cake."", ""Your parents take you do McDonald's."", ""Your kickball teammates are having a pizza party."", ""Your high school girlfriend dumps you."", ""Judd Apatow invites you to a barbecue.""); op1 = new Array(""Eat the whole cake"", ""Eat five happy meals and cry until you get a sixth"", ""Eat ten slices; take a break, eat ten more"", ""Eat a tub of ice cream"", ""Drink 15 beers and eat 20 cheeseburgers""); op2 = new Array(""Take a slice"", ""Ask your parents to get sushi instead"", ""Have a salad"", ""Punch your fist through a wall"", ""Listen to what he has to say""); fin = new Array(""You grow up to be a doctor!"", ""You grow up to be a lawyer."", ""You grow up to be an accountant."", ""You grow up to be an insurance salesman."", ""You become a major movie star. Unbelievable, isn't it?""); dea = document.getElementById(""death""); advance(); for (i=1;i<=6;i++) { jive = new Image; jive.src = img(i); } function advance() { display('eveDiv', 'Age ' + age[count] + ': '+ eve[count]); ff.b1.value = op1[count]; ff.b2.value = op2[count]; count++; } function choose(x) { if (x == 1 && count == 5) { display('eveDiv', 'You DIE from a heart attack!'); dea.src = img(6); hideBlock('butDiv'); showBlock('endDiv'); } else if (x == 1) { advance(); } else if (x == 2) { display('eveDiv', fin[count-1]); dea.src = img(count); hideBlock('butDiv'); showBlock('endDiv'); } else if (x == 3) { count = 0; hideBlock('endDiv'); showBlock('butDiv'); advance(); } } function img(x) { return 'img/other/jh/jonah'+x+'.jpg'; } function display(f, s) { spa = document.getElementById(f); if (spa != null) spa.innerHTML = s; } function showBlock(n) { v = eval(n); v.style.display = 'inline'; } function hideBlock(n) { v = eval(n); v.style.display = 'none'; }","Jew","Judd Apatow| Michael Cera| Beanie Feldstein| Christopher Mintz-Plasse| Seth Rogen"
290,"Kinky Friedman",10,5,2,3,"2 to 1: the odds for finding another Jewish country singer. For whatever reason, we're cautiously optimistic. 20 to 1: the odds for another Jew running for the Governor of Texas. No need to be optimistic there. 2,000 to 1: the odds that said country singer and Gubernatorial hopeful will also be an acclaimed mystery writer. To say we're pessimistic is to put it mildly. 2,000,000 to 1: the odds for another Jew being named ""Kinky"". And if any parent out there wants to prove us wrong and give their son or daughter that name, please don't. It's just not worth it. And if you do, good luck finding someone who will pay out on those odds.* *The information on this site is for entertainment purposes only. Online gambling is illegal in some jurisdictions and users should consult legal counsel regarding the legal status of online gambling and gaming in their jurisdiction.","Jew","Luis de Carvajal| k.d. lang| Gwyneth Paltrow| Barry Sonnenfeld| Mare Winningham"
291,"Al Davis",9,4,3,2,"We wrote once before that we'd be more than happy to have some good scary supervillains here at JONJ. Not the real ones, mind you. Actual nut jobs and crazies are no fun at all. But the representations of cartoonish supervillainy we all know and love. Those guys rule. Unfortunately, there's slim pickings. We've got Magneto. He's pretty cool. But then, Darth Vader? Lex Luthor? Lord Voldemort? No, no, and no. So we're more than happy to welcome Al Davis, ringleader of the evil Oakland Raiders. The tormentor of football fans from Oakland to Los Angeles. If there's a player known for bad behavior, Davis collects him for his criminal football gang. Then they band together to promote evil in the NFL and put fear in the hearts of lovers of good football everywhere. What? He's not fictional? That's impossible!","Jew","Lyle Alzado| Mark Davis| Magneto| Carroll Rosenbloom| Darth Vader"
292,"Pee-Wee Herman",7,4,2,1,"There's just no way around this, is there? We'd love to talk about Pee-Wee's popular children's television program. OK, we found it annoying and insipid but most people liked it. Even thought it was smart and innovative. In which case we'd give Pee-Wee a K of a 5. Or we could discuss Pee-Wee the movie star. His movie was certainly delightfully strange like any good Tim Burton movie. And lots of people loved it, box office returns notwithstanding. In which case we'd probably throw Pee-Wee a K of 4. And it's not like he's disappeared since then. We didn't watch Murphy Brown, but we hear he was good in it. He's been a generally pleasant surprise in his other TV and movie cameos (Batman Returns and Buffy the Vampire Slayer come to mind). In that way, he's got almost a cult following, which means he'd be solid with a K of 3. We'd like to talk about all those things. Especially about a funny (annoying, insipid), unique, full-blooded (name changing) Jew. But we can't. Because then we have to talk about the other thing. So we give Pee-Wee a K of 1. And then we move on.","Sadly, a Jew","Marv Albert| David Cone| Onan| Soupy Sales| Art Shamsky"
293,"Gal Fridman",13,4,4,5,"When we set out to create this website two years ago, we had three goals: 1) To create a one-step place that can answer ""Is _____ Jewish?"" questions 2) To kill some downtime at work 3) To disprove the myth that there are no good Jewish athletes Not necessarily in that order. Well, not to pat ourselves on the back, we've succeeded on all counts. JONJ has nearly 300 profiles, work downtime now has a Jew-rific alternative, and our Athletes category is filled with a plethora of Jews. And some of those Jews are Olympic champions. So, with the Beijing Olympics opening today, we're going to do something special next week. Each day we will profile a 2008 Olympian. Some of these will be champions. Some of these will be also-rans. All of these will be Jews. Oh, Gal Fridman? Two-time medalist. A bronze in 1996, and a gold in 2004, Israel's only gold medal ever. In sailing. And, in case it's not obvious:","Jew","Jo Aleh| Yael Arad| Nathan Cohen| Artem Dolgopyat| Emil Mosbacher"
294,"David Zalcberg",10,4,3,3,"Sometimes we just can't help ourselves. After all, we have pages and pages of evidence to the contrary. Profile after profile of prominent, talented, athletic Jews. Why just this week alone we'll see championship swimmer Jews, pole vaulter Jews, and tennis prodigy Jews. So why can't we get the traditional image of the American Jew out of our silly kosher kepeles? Because in our hearts, we just feel that Jews win at chess, not cross country. We get medals for calculus, not rowing. So that's why we're happy to embrace Australian Jew David Zalcberg. An Olympic ping pong player? Now that we can understand.","Jew","Viktor Barna| Jim and Phil Krakouer| Nicolas Massu| Ivor Montagu| Steven Solomon"
295,"Dara Torres",12,3,4,5,"If you've tuned in to Olympic coverage the past few days, you must have heard it by now. Dara Torres, the All-American mom! In her fifth Olympics, with a plethora of medals behind her! At the age of 41, still as good as ever! Make that the All-American Jewish mom. That's right, Torres, half-Jewish through her father by birth, made a full conversion after marrying her second husband. So while it might be hard to picture one of the most decorated swimmers in Olympic history frying latkes and baking kugel, we're going to do just that. It's easier than picturing OUR OWN mothers competing in the Olympics.","Jew","Lydia Jacoby| Katie Ledecky| Rebecca Soni| Mark Spitz| Eva Szekely"
296,"Nicolas Massu",10,3,3,4,"Chances are you've never heard of Nicolas Massu. Unless you're a super-duper tennis fan. Or, y'know, you're Chilean. If you're neither, then you can be forgiven for letting him slip beneath your radar. Massu is neither awesome nor terrible. He's never won a major tennis tournament. His highest ranking was #9 in the world. Nothing to be ashamed about, certainly. His appearance here for Olympic Week has more to do with his two gold medals in Athens than anything expected from him this year (as of this Tuesday, he was eliminated from competition). Actually, there really isn't a lot to say about him. And so, ordinarily, we'd probably just let it go. But Massu's nickname is El Vampiro. And that's just too awesome to ignore.","Jew","Dracula| Don Francisco| Rafael Nadal| Sebastian Rozental| Diego Schwartzman"
297,"Jason Lezak",13,4,4,5,"We had Olympic Week all neatly planned out. We were going to profile five Jewish Olympians, from five different countries, in five different sports. And even though we knew that there were a bunch of Jewish swimmers on the American team, it was pretty clear that the American swimmer were going to profile was Dara Torres. And we did just that. Leave it for Jason Lezak to ruin our plans. If you missed it, Lezak swam the anchor leg for the US 4 x 100 meter freestyle relay. The favored French, who, prior to the race, boasted that they would crush the Americans, held a huge lead after three legs. What did Lezak do? Swam the fastest split in history, beat the French by fractions of a second, and helped USA crush the world record in the process. And for the record, two of Lezak's teammates, Garrett Weber-Gale, who swam the second leg, and Ben Wildman-Tobriner, who swam in the prelims, are Jewish as well. So hooray for Jewish American Olympic heroes! At this pace, Olympic Week might just become Olympic Month. And you know what? We wouldn't mind it at all, best made plans or not.","Jew","Anthony Ervin| Lenny Krayzelburg| Michael Phelps| Mark Spitz| Dara Torres"
298,"Levi Leipheimer",5,0,2,3,"In the beginning, Americans were terrible at cycling. Just awful. Then there was Greg LaMond. And he was good. Really good, actually. He won a couple of Tour de Frances, did a few Taco Bell commercials, and probably would have been even better if he hadn't lost several years of his career when his own brother-in-law accidentally shot him. Yes, really. LaMond was shortly followed by Lance Armstrong. And where LaMond was merely good, Armstrong was amazing. Even without the cancer recovery stuff. And we had two all-time great American cyclists. Then LaMond accused Armstrong of doping and came off as a petty, whiny jerk. Then it turned out LaMond was probably right and Armstrong became just as toxic. Then Floyd Landis came along, won the Tour de Cheats, er, France and the US had a great cyclist again. Then he tested positive for drugs, was stripped of his title, and it was back to zero. The good news is, the US now has Levi Leipheimer. Winner of several major cycling races and, most recently, a bronze medal at the Beijing Olympics. Not world breaking, but still better than it used to be. The bad news is, despite the fact his name is Levi, he is not a Jew. The search continues...","Not a Jew","Sage Kotsenburg| Adolf Schmal| Stephen Strasburg| Romans Vainsteins| Joop Zoetemelk"
299,"Alexander Averbukh",11,4,4,3,"Some sports make more sense than others. Judo, for example, is just fighting. Nothing odd about that. Running, swimming, throwing, these are all actions that come naturally. Even something like soccer or basketball makes sense. Carry a ball around and attempt to get it in the goal. OK. We can get that. But running as fast as you can holding a large metal stick and then using it to catapult yourself as high as you can? What kind of meshuggenah goy thought up that one? Seriously, that's no sport for a nice Jewish boy from Siberia to get involved in.","Jew","Vladislav Bykanov| Sam Mattis| Alexander Shatilov| Dwight Stones| Irena Szewinska"
300,"The Devil",4,1,1,2,"There is no hell in Judaism. Apparently, life itself is punishment enough. When we die we are simply cast to the winds. Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. Whether that's good news or bad probably depends on your perspective. Or how good a person you've been. All those years pretending to like people| wasted! There are some positives, though. For example, there is no infernal overlord waiting in the hellfires below to nosh on our kosher souls. And while there are certainly icons of evil in Judaism, we lack that true villainous fiend plotting our demise from afar. Ironic considering the history of Jews. Anyway, this makes the idea of a Jewish devil seem a little odd. How can we be something that we ourselves don't believe in? That's getting a little existential for this website, isn't it? On the other hand, our good friends the goyim certainly think he is a Jew. The classic picture of the horned, bearded, big-nosed Beelzebub screams anti-Jewish propaganda. Maybe the pitchfork is for spearing creamed herrings? And if you think about it, there's something about ol' Scratch we find attractive. After all, the Devil's only job is to judge and then punish goyim. Does it get any better than that? Y'know, now that we think about it, maybe the Devil could be... Y'know what? Let's just leave it at that. Hell or no, we're heading somewhere in a handbasket. Anyone else feeling a little warm?","Not a Jew","Archangel Michael| G-d| Hades| Anton LaVey| Saint Peter"
301,"Lewis Black",13,5,4,4,"Strangely enough, it looks like there is room in the regular cast of ""The Daily Show"" for only one Jew: the host Jon Stewart. You see, none of the correspondents that appeared on the show for an extended period of time are Jewish. Not the current batch of Jason Jones, Samantha Bee, John Oliver, and Rob Riggle. Sadly, not Stephen Colbert or Steve Carell. Not Ed Helms, Rod Coddry, Vance DeGeneres, Mo Rocca, Nancy Walls, Matt Walsh, Beth Littleford, Dan Bakkedahl, Stacey Grenrock-Woods, or Brian Unger. Not Rachael Harris. At this point, we would have taken Rachael Harris! To find a Jew, we need to go past correspondents and draft long-time contributor Lewis Black. And don't get us wrong, we like Lewis Black, especially all the anger. But he often goes months between ""The Daily Show"" appearances. And he is not exactly a spring chicken. Seriously, Jon. If you ever need a Senior Jewish Correspondent, the Jew or Not Jew staff is available.","Jew","Steve Carell| Stephen Colbert| Josh Gad| Trevor Noah| Jon Stewart"
302,"Don Francisco",8,4,2,2,"Like most high schools, ours had only a few languages you could take. French, Italian, Japanese and... ...sorry, Spanish. Our high school taught Spanish and that's what we decided to take. And we can proudly say that after four years... Sorry, four years, we speak little to none of it. We can say hello and goodbye. Can count to about 12. And that's about it. But we still love to watch Chilean Jew Don Francisco's crowning achievement, Sabado Gigante. Why?... er, Why?... Ummm What were we talking about again? interval = 800; k = 1; d = document.getElementById; setTimeout('swap()', interval); function swap() { k++; if (k > 5) k = 1; d.src = 'img/other/df/sabado'+k+'.jpg'; if (interval > 200 && k == 1) interval|= 100; setTimeout('swap()', interval); }","Jew","Andres Cantor| Monty Hall| Alejandro Jodorowsky| Emmanuel Lubezki| Nicolas Massu"
303,"Jonathan Bornstein",11,3,4,4,"When Mexican businessman Jorge Vergara bought a team in Major League Soccer, he did so with a boast. He would fill a team with Mexicans and Mexican-Americans, and they will show Americans how to play f<U+FFFD>tbol. A year, three head coaches, and one of the worst records in league history later, Vergara was no longer boasting. So Chivas USA, as they were regrettably called, scrapped the original plan. They've had a bit more success since then, but it's not so easy to find a Mexican on their roster. Except for Jonathan Bornstein. You wouldn't know it from his name: Bornstein is Jewish on his father's side. But his mother is indeed Mexican. And now with Jonathan playing a major role not just with Chivas but with the US national team... What's that? This is not MexicanOrNotMexican.com? Ay, qué lástima!","Jew","Jeff Agoos| Kyle Beckerman| Steve Birnbaum| Benny Feilhaber| DeAndre Yedlin"
304,"Mayer Rothschild",13,5,5,3,"So we were going to profile a Rothschild... But which one? Dynasty founder Mayer Amschel Rothschild? One of his sons, Salomon, Nathan, Carl, or James? How about Baron Nathaniel Mayer Rothschild, the first Jewish member of the British House of Lords? Or Edmond James de Rothschild, one of the early proponents of Zionism? Does it really matter? Can we even tell them apart? All dead. All rich. All Jewish. That works for us.","Jew","Benjamin Disraeli| Bettina de Rothschild| Edouard de Rothschild| Haym Salomon| George Soros"
305,"Kirk Douglas",13,5,4,4,"Unlike the grizzled Captain Oveur in ""Airplane!"", we were never big fans of movies about gladiators. Something about chiseled goyim in loincloths fighting each other to the death did not sit right in our Jewish hearts. ""Spartacus"", however, was different. Sure, it had its chiseled hero. Sure, there were some loincloths. But there was something peculiar about that hero's Roman nose. It wasn't Roman at all. Spartacus, Kirk Douglas, was as goyishe as kishkes with horseradish, kishkes that young Kirk's| make that young Issur's — mother Bryna must have served for dinner. And Douglas, who strained from Judaism most of his adult life, has now returned with a vengeance reserved for fugitive Roman slaves. Now, on the subject of Turkish prisons...","Jew","Michael Douglas| Cary Grant| Stanley Kubrick| Peter Ustinov| Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker"
306,"Derrick Sharp",5,1,2,2,"Derrick Sharp loves Israel. He has lived in Israel for 15 years. He says that he ""feels totally Israeli"". He has starred for Israel's national basketball team. He is a naturalized Israeli citizen. He was one of the ""faces of Israel"" in a state-run advertising campaign. He has led his Israeli club team to 11 championships and three European titles. He has fathered four Israeli children by two Israeli wives. But that doesn't make him a Jew.","Not a Jew","Tal Brody| Omri Casspi| Sarunas Jasikevicius| T. J. Leaf| Gal Mekel"
307,"Kate Middleton",4,0,1,3,"For a while now, we've been trying to find Jewish European royalty. It seemed plausible at first, but we soon realized that we're barking up the wrong tree. European kings must have had great genealogy researchers, but with a goal completely opposite from ours: ""I'm sorry, son, but you can't marry the lovely Rebecca, for her maternal great-great-great-uncle changed his name from Cohen to Cole. Why don't you marry the horse-faced Augusta instead?"" Perhaps it's more possible in the modern world, with less emphasis on bloodlines and more desire for European princes to avoid horse-faced brides? Alas, that is not the case. It seems that Australian hotties are the hot item, but nice Jewish girls are still off limits. What can we do. But what's this? Some people think that Kate Middleton, quite possibly the next Queen of England, just might be somewhat Jewish? She might not be royalty yet, but we have to check. You see, Kate's mother's maiden name is Goldsmith. And there are people with the last names of Temple and Meyers in her family tree, which apparently is enough to make some think that she has Jewish ancestry. There is absolutely no proof that's the case, but even if it were, that Jewish link was lost a long, long time ago. Genealogy research is not just limited to days past, and in case of Kate possibly ascending the British throne, her lineage has been studied at length. And for at least five generations, Kate's ancestors have been married in churches. Nothing Jewish about that. Well, the mission is clear now. It's too late for us to marry into royalty, but there might just be a future generation ready to get started. Could a prince or princess be in their future? It doesn't seem impossible, right? Right?","Not a Jew","Queen Beatrix| Princess Diana| Queen Elizabeth II| Queen Marau| Meghan Markle"
308,"Jason Biggs",7,1,4,2,"Jason Biggs has a lot in common with Sean Penn. Both started their acting career in teenage sex comedies. Both played major roles in a Woody Allen movie. Both won Osc... Well, no. And both are Jewish? Again, a no. Penn does have Jewish roots, as we discussed before. But Biggs? He certainly looks the part; in many of his roles, he plays stereotypical Jews. Even Allen, whose Jew-dar we'd never question, thought Biggs was one when casting him in ""Anything Else"". But poor Woody was wrong. Jason is not Jewish; he is a Catholic Italian-American. So, back to similarities... Both have short last names with double consonants...","Not a Jew","Woody Allen| Alyson Hannigan| Jim Levenstein| Eugene Levy| Sean Penn"
309,"Jeno Fuchs",13,5,3,5,"We're big fans of Alexandre Dumas' musketeer books, but we're not foolish to profile the musketeers themselves. Aramis became an abbot. Porthos enjoyed a hearty pork gammon. Athos was a count. And d'Artagnan's various indiscretions would have been frowned upon by his rabbi. And the fencing... Jews don't fence. Or do they? It turns out that they do. We're not talking fictional 17th-century France here, but rather the modern sport of fencing. No fewer than 30 Jews have been Olympic fencing champions. And since we can't have the original d'Artagnan, we can have the ""New d'Artagnan"", Attila Petschauer. The Hungarian won two golds and a silver, and his life story was adapted into the movie ""Sunshine"", starring Ralph Fiennes. And then there's Jeno Fuchs, also of Hungary, who won four golds: two individual, two team| two in London in 1908, and two in Stockholm in 1912, making him not only one of the top gold-winning fencers of all time, but also one of the top gold-winning Jews. So, with such Jewish success in modern fencing, perhaps we could be more lenient with the musketeers? Aramis and Porthos might be lost causes, but Athos would certainly not be the only Jewish count. And as far as d'Artagnan, raise your hand if you haven't yourself succumbed to various indiscretions... We think we should wrap this profile up.","Jew","The Jesuits| Logan Lerman| Cardinal Mazarin| Ivan Osiier| Mark Rakita"
310,"Gina Gershon",11,4,4,3,"For two years now, we've tried to be the website that answers the question of who is Jewish and who is not. But if you are looking for answers to other Judaism-related topics, you better look elsewhere. Not all Jews practice Judaism the same way. On one side, you have Reform Judaism. In fact, we just heard of a Reform wedding that served suckling pig. Yes, that sounds unbelievable, but trust us, we're not making this up. We just can't explain it. On the other side, you have the Hasids. A suckling pig at a Hasidic wedding? That's not unbelievable, that's impossible. Unthinkable. Absurd. And there are many things about Hasidic Judaism that we can't explain. Like, for instance... Oh boy. How do we say it?.. It is a family website, after all. Hmmm... Well, there is a certain rumor about how Hasidic Jews make love. For details, we refer to you to ""Curb Your Enthusiasm"", season 4, episode 9, when Larry meets a Hasidic dry cleaner played by Gina Gershon. We'll skip those details, but let's just say that Larry is no closer to solving the riddle than we are. So no, we can't tell you if the rumor is true or not. But what we can tell you is that Gershon was not only Jewish on ""Curb"", but is one in real life as well. And isn't that what we are here for in the first place?","Jew","Elizabeth Berkley| Barbara Boxer| Larry David| Richard Lewis| Noah Wyle"
311,"Shel Silverstein",14,4,5,5,"One of the little trade secrets about Jew or Not Jew is the queue. Whenever we get an idea, or one is suggested by an intrepid reader, we write it down and store it ""in the queue"": an electronic list of anyone and everyone we'd like to write about, but haven't gotten around to yet. Most of the time these get picked back up in a couple of days and written. Sometimes it takes a little longer. Shel Silverstein has been in the queue since we started the site, which, as of today, means he's been sitting there for two years. Two years! How could we let this happen? It's not that we don't like Shel Silverstein. Actually, we LOVE Shel Silverstein. The Giving Tree. The Missing Piece. These are all-time, childhood-defining classics. The man even wrote a poem about Captain Hook trying to pick his nose. You just can't top that. So how'd he get lost in the queue for so long? The truth is, there just isn't that much to say: He's a Jew. He's great. Life moves on. Who'd have thought it'd take two years just to write that?","Jew","Paul Giamatti| The Little Tramp| Sean Penn| Melissa Rauch| Dr. Seuss"
312,"Sid Luckman",12,5,3,4,"Throughout their 90-year history, the Chicago Bears did not have good luck with quarterbacks. They made their last Super Bowl with the mediocre-at-best Rex Grossman. They won their only Super Bowl with the overrated Jim McMahon (obviously, not a Jew). Their recent QB triumvirate of Grossman, Kyle Orton, and Brian Griese (not a Jew, not a Jew) made their fans long for the average days of Jim Harbaugh and Erik Kramer (not a... you get the idea). To find a good Bears quarterback, you need to go back to the 1940s and Sid Luckman (you guessed it... a Jew!) And Luckman was more than just a good quarterback| he was a great quarterback. MVP, 4-time NFL champion, and still holds the record for most touchdown passed in a game. And a rarity: a member of both the Pro Football Hall of Fame and an International Jewish Sports Hall of Fame. So, Bears management, you know what to do. Find that young Jewish up-and-comer and hand him the reins. You think it's a coincidence you've only won two championships since Luckman's retirement?","Jew","Benny Friedman| Rex Grossman| Arnold Horween| Harry Newman| Mitchell Trubisky"
313,"Rube Goldberg",13,4,5,4,"How to wake up on Shabbat to freshly-made latkes: The alarm clock rings. You (B) hit the snooze button (C) with your hand. The depressed button activates the see-saw (D), making the potato (E) on the other end drop down the chute (F). Meanwhile, your stretched arms pull on the string (G) that activates the guillotine (H). The guillotine slices the potato that's rolling through the chute and ends up on the frying pan (I). Note: to turn on the gas, either leave it on Friday before sunset, or ask a non-Jewish neighbor. Illustration by Jennifer Jordan","Jew","Rene Goscinny| Jack Kirby| Roy Lichtenstein| Peter Max| Leonard Stern"
314,"Hillary Clinton",4,0,1,3,"Stop it, Internet. Yes, you, the series of tubes. It's not funny. It's not true. In fact, it's pretty pathetic. And dumb. And bigoted. Incredibly bigoted. And outright bullshit. No, Hillary Clinton is not Jewish. No, she is not part of some Jewish conspiracy. No, the Rodhams were not once Rodomski. No, they did not come from a Jewish ghetto in Lodz. They came from Durham, England. Hilary's ancestry has been traced all the way back to the 17th century. THERE ARE NO JEWS ON IT. Sometimes we feel like banging our head against the wall...","Not a Jew","Bill Clinton| Chelsea Clinton| Monica Lewinsky| Michelle Obama| Donald Trump"
315,"Sergey Brin and Larry Page",13,4,4,5,"Dear Mr. Brin and Mr. Page, We'll cut right to the chase. We're here to present you an offer to buy JewOrNotJew.com. What is in it for you? First of all, it will cost you less than YouTube, and we guarantee a better percentage return on investment than that purchase. Second of all, you could rename it to Jewoogle, or Joogle, or whatever suits you. Third of all, you'll be able to split up your profiles. You will no longer be ""Sergey Brin and Larry Page"", you could be ""Sergey Brin"" and ""Larry Page"". If Yakov Smirnoff gets his own profile, why not you? Fourth of all, you'd be able to modify your profiles. So, Mr. Page, if you wanted to knock down your Jew Score because you're atheist, you could. Or, Mr. Brin, if you wanted to remove the following sentence: ""Sergey Brin is the second most important Russian American Jew after Yakov Smirnoff"", you could. In fact, you could remove all mentions of Yakov Smirnoff from this profile. You wouldn't want Google to pick up the association between Sergey Brin and Yakov Smirnoff, would you? So, if you would like to take us up on our offer, our email is listed on the bottom of this page. But act quick; Yahoo! just might be interested. Who says that Jerry Yang does not come from a line of Yangsteins? Sincerely, Jew or Not Jew","Jew","Edward Kasner| Ray Kurzweil| Marissa Mayer| Yakov Smirnoff| Mark Zuckerberg"
316,"Igor Olshansky",11,5,3,3,"If there is a mold for making defensive linemen, then Igor Olshansky comes from it: Big. Strong (he pressed 505 lbs in college, a team record). Mean (he once punched Broncos' center Tom Nalen in the face during a game). But, y'know what isn't in the mold for a defensive lineman? How about two Star of David tattoos? Yes| big, strong, mean Ukrainian Igor Olshansky is a Jew. An overt Jew who attended Jewish day school, married a Jew, and seems quite happy to be recognized for his heritage. And we're more than happy to recognize him. Watch out goyim — Igor Olshansky is coming to crush your quarterback.","Jew","David Binn| Kyle Kosier| Lenny Krayzelburg| Ron Mix| Yakov Smirnoff"
317,"Lou Reed",12,4,3,5,"We often joke about various spin-offs to this website. Such as CatholicOrNotCatholic.com. Or GayOrNotGay.com. The latter could apply to this profile as well. Another spin-off that could apply here? DeadOrNotDead.com. For you would think that after decades of sex, drug, rock-n-roll, more drugs, more sex, and even more drugs, Reed would have kicked the bucket. A few years ago, he was even the subject of an internet hoax, when a fake wire story was passed around. No one batted an eyelash. Numerous radio stations broadcast the news of his passing. Lou Reed dying just made sense. But he is not dead. Lou is still pretty much alive. But we're not gonna create that spin-off. You see, ""Dead"" and ""Not Dead"" are such flexible states. We would just end up re-writing profile after profile. And honestly, we don't have that in us. So no spin-offs here. We'll just stick with the original.","Jew","David Bowie| Bob Dylan| Paul McCartney| J. D. Salinger| Abe Vigoda"
318,"Helen Hunt",7,2,2,3,"True story: for the longest time, we thought that Helen Hunt and Holly Hunter were the same person. Boy, was our face red when we praised Hunt's performance in ""O Brother, Where Art Thou?"" Or when we commented how Hunter didn't deserve an Oscar for ""As Good as It Gets"". But who can blame us? It's pretty hard to tell the two apart. Both are blond, both are about the same age, both won Oscars, and both have initials of HH with ""Hunt"" in the last name. And you would think that neither of the two are Jewish. Of course not Hunter, whose Southern charm comes through on the screen. Of course not Hunt, whose WASPy shrillness was the perfect counterpart to Paul Reiser's neuroses on ""Mad About You"". And we were wrong again. Not about Hunter; nothing Jewish there. But Hunt, WASPy or not, is a quarter Jewish. So is that enough to tell the two apart? Unlikely.","Barely a Jew","Hank Azaria| Sandra Bullock| Carol Kane| Marlee Matlin| Paul Reiser"
319,"Red Auerbach",14,5,4,5,"Since we are from New Jersey and spend lots of our time in New York, we don't have much love for Boston's professional sports teams. But we do have a lot of love for a Boston icon, the greatest basketball coach of all time, Arnold ""Red"" Auerbach, in all his cigar-chomping glory. Oh sure, Phil Jackson has a chance to overtake Red on titles. But good luck trying to top Auberbach's streak: nine NBA championships in ten seasons, including an amazing eight straight. And if Jackson ever catches Red, we could always add Auerbach's championships as general manager, bringing his total to 16. Would that be cheating? Perhaps a tad. But anything for a Jew. Even one from Boston.","Jew","Larry Brown| Alexander Gomelsky| Red Holzman| Philadelphia Sphas| Dolph Schayes"
320,"Optimus Prime",5,0,1,4,"Sometimes, things just stretch the boundaries of believability. For instance, an episode of Family Guy suggested that Optimus Prime might be Jewish. That's just craziness. Could a robot be Jewish? Of course. The tailors in Sleeper, for example. Certainly, when intelligent machines are created/discovered/rise to destroy us all they'll probably have all sorts of beliefs and doctrines. Most will probably be Machinists or Robot Catholic. But you have to figure at least a small percentage could be Jewish. Certainly keeping kosher would be easy for them. But we're not talking about any robot| we're talking about a Transformer. And you know what? We can believe a Transformer could be Jewish. Not a Go Bot, they sucked. But Transformers? Absolutely. No, no, all of this is perfectly plausible. But to suggest that any robot that turns into a truck could be a Jew? That's just ludicrous. A BMW maybe....","Sadly, Not a Jew","Michael Bay| Clutch| The Japanese| Meowth| Robots"
321,"Sergei Eisenstein",11,2,4,5,"We try to be honest at JONJ. The first profile we ever posted was Charlie Chaplin; many out there think that Chaplin was a Jew, but that sadly was not the case. So it seemed the perfect place to kick off the ""Not Jew"" part of our website. Of course, we would have loved to claim Chaplin as one of our own. And the same goes for many other rumored Jews, from Dwight Eisenhower to Robert De Niro. But our honesty keeps us from doing so. Honesty and fear of the profilee's relatives. So it's that honesty that forces us to knock down another silent movie pioneer, Sergei Eisenstein, from the Jew verdict. As with Chaplin, many assume he was Jewish, but it's not that simple here. He was at most a quarter by birth, and that Jewish grandparent converted to Russian Orthodoxy. But all was not lost with Sergei. He was definitely proud of his Jewish roots, and used Yiddish slang and humor. Plus, he pioneered the Jewfro years before it became popular. Which, even by itself, would be good enough for us, in all honesty.","Barely a Jew","Broncho Billy Anderson| Isaak Babel| Charlie Chaplin| Ilya Ilf| Mauritz Stiller"
322,"Naomi Klein",10,5,3,2,"We don't put much stock in internet polls. Remember those New 7 Wonders of the World shenanigans a year ago? At the end, the voters went with the Christ the Redeemer over the Eiffel Tower. Well, we've been to Rio and we've been to Paris. Only one of the two had impressed us. It wasn't even close. We'll give you a clue: it wasn't a statue of some dead dude with outstretched arms. Or, take the Top 100 Living Intellectuals poll from a few years ago. Honestly, is there anything less intellectual than deciding who is more intellectual? Maybe if they presented the top 100 without ranks, then it could work. But no, they have it listed, 1 through a 100. Pope Benedict XVI at #17? Sigh. The highest woman on the list? Canadian journalist Naomi Klein, who clocks in at #11. Her big spiel is the evils of corporate globalization. And she's obviously Jewish. And that seems great and everything, except... well, she is not exactly a fan of Israel, speaking of the virtues of the Arab-led boycott against it. And this is the world's top intellectual woman? Seriously, we shouldn't put much stock in internet polls.","Jew","Noam Chomsky| Christopher Hitchens| Alan Rickman| Irene Rosenfeld| Gloria Steinem"
323,"Sidney Reilly",13,5,3,5,"Rosenblum. Salomon Rosenblum. Who was Sidney Reilly? Here's what we know for sure: He was executed for spying. He was the inspiration for Ian Fleming's smooth, suave 007 James Bond. And he was a Jew. Everything else is pure speculation. He may have been involved in an assassination attempt on Lenin. He may have been a double agent during the first World War. He may have been Britain's first and greatest secret agent. Or he may have done none of these things. The fact that we don't know for sure seems to confirm that he was very good at his job. But there's one thing no one can deny: Sidney Reilly was one of those rare people whose story cannot help but capture the human imagination. A dashing, debonair, national hero Jew who always gets the girl? It's enough to leave us shaken AND stirred.","Jew","Evno Azef| Moe Berg| Mata Hari| Fanny Kaplan| Vladimir Lenin"
324,"Alice Cooper",4,0,1,3,"There are lots of stereotypical Jewish careers: lawyers, dentists, hair band death metal rockers. Sure it's not the first one you think of, but with Gene Simmons and David Lee Roth already out there, you could be forgiven for accidentally assigning an axe-carrying member of the hard rock retinue to the shul set. For instance, Alice Cooper, the poor man's Ozzy Osbourne. He wears makeup like Simmons. He's been reduced to irrelevancy and VH1 specials like Roth. He's a perfect fit. But he's not Jewish. Though there's some scant evidence to the contrary, his father was a church elder and he went to a Lutheran elementary school. Meh. As you can tell, we're not exactly weeping over the loss. But we hope this serves as a lesson to you: despite all the evidence to the contrary, not everyone who spits blood on stage is Jewish.","Not a Jew","Marc Bolan| Joey Kramer| Ozzy Osbourne| Gene Simmons| Dee Snider"
325,"Pythagoras",7,1,1,5,"Contrary to popular belief, the Pythagorean Theorem is pretty simple. If we really wanted to, we could whip out a proof in this very spot, but... let's not. Whether Pythagoras was a Jew is pretty simple as well. He wasn't. But he might have been blessed in a Jewish temple, and, according to biographer Hermippus of Smyrna, he incorporated Jewish beliefs into his own philosophy. So it does look like he had enough Jewish ties to be mentioned on our website. How is that for a pretty simple proof?","Sadly, Not a Jew","Alexander the Great| Leonhard Euler| Flavius Josephus| Isaac Newton| Socrates"
326,"Harley Quinn",9,3,3,3,"Sometimes we forget that not everyone lives in New York City. It comes with the culture| you tend to assume that everyone is a part of it. Among New Yorkers this error is considered cute, even endearing. And if the rest of the world finds it insulting, well, if we gave a crap what other people thought we wouldn't be New Yorkers. With that thought in mind, we present the Joker's favorite femme fatale Harley Quinn. The first time she appeared with her prototypical Linda Richman accent, Yiddish catchphrases and use of the word oy — it never occurred to us that she might be Jewish. She just seemed like every other New Yorker we grew up hearing/working with/related to. So when people from outside NYC suggest that these things make her Jewish, well, color us dubious. As above, we forget that to non-New Yorkers, these things don't sound normal, they sound Jewish. But trust us when we say they're not. Especially when the only other evidence is a conveniently-lost kosher confession from a Christmas episode. (Side note: Not to reveal our true nerdiness, but if it had existed, we would have seen it.) So no, blonde haired, blue eyed Harlene Qunizel is not Jewish, even though she talks like a Jew. Because if that was all it took, all five boros plus Northern Jersey, Southern Connecticut and parts of Pennsylvania would be lighting candles this Friday. Anyone who says different is just a clown. (Editor's update: Well, well. Apparently, after years of supposed hinting, Harley Quinn admitted that she was Jewish. Oy.)","Jew","Batwoman| Bozo the Clown| The Penguin| Margot Robbie| Bruce Wayne"
327,"Levi Strauss",13,5,4,4,"Our grade school teacher, let's call him Mr. Smith, taught us about the great American invention called the cotton gin. For the life of us, we can't remember what it did. We get ""cotton"", we get ""gin"", in its various incarnations. Putting the two together just doesn't make much sense. Whatever it was, the cotton gin doesn't impact us in everyday life. So let's talk about an early American textile-related invention that has a much larger impact today. What's that, Mr. Smith? We should have paid attention in grade school? The cotton gin revolutionized the American economy? How can another invention ever top it? Sit down, Mr. Smith. Or better yet, stand up. Stand up, turn around, and look at the tag on those jeans. The tag that says Levi's. That's right; for years, you have been walking around with the name of a Jewish inventor on your backside. And you are not alone. Millions of Americans are currently wearing millions and millions of jeans. All thanks to Mr. Strauss. Cotton gin! Don't get us started!","Jew","Jacob Davis| Calvin Klein| Claude Levi-Strauss| Isaac Singer| Adolph Sutro"
328,"Andre Tippett",8,2,2,4,"We have a lot of difficulty issuing a verdict for people who convert to Judaism because of marriage. How do we really know how serious they are? Is the conversion just an act to pacify their significant other, or a full-pledge devotion into Judaism? It's not like we can look up on Connie Chung's synagogue attendance or make sure that Tom Arnold has no bacon in his fridge. In fact, we don't want to. Especially not the latter. But in case of former NFL linebacker Andre Tippett, no further evidence is needed. The ex-New England Patriot converted for his wife, and has embraced his new faith. He is active on the Jewish speaking circuit, goes to temple, speaks fondly of Jewish traditions, and raises his kids as Jews. And considering that the last thing we want to do is to anger a 6'3"", 240 lbs Pro Football Hall of Famer, the verdict here is obvious.","Jew","Lyle Alzado| Tom Arnold| Connie Chung| Julian Edelman| Robert Kraft"
329,"Bruno Kreisky",12,5,3,4,"Of all the European countries you wouldn't expect to have a Jewish head of state... Well, Germany, obviously. Russia and Ukraine spring to mind. Everything in Scandinavia, really. Southern Europe is pretty much out of the window. What does that leave us with? What about Austria? Not with their long-standing association with Germany, right? Wrong. For the Jewish Bruno Kreisky was the Chancellor of Austria for 14 years, from 1970 to 1983. Iceland, anyone? Anyone?...","Jew","Jan Fischer| Egils Levits| Luigi Luzzatti| Nicolas Sarkozy| Helmut Schmidt"
330,"Ashley Tisdale",9,3,3,3,"As part of our ongoing commitment to the Jewish community, JewOrNotJew.com is proud to announce our new unpaid internship program. This year's winner is Dakota Esther Goldblatt| a seventh grader at Solomon Schechter in West Orange, New Jersey. Her winning entry is below. OMG! GWIJD! went w/rents to templ fri .. i was so ZZZ!!! :( :( :( it ttly sucked!!!!! thn i met ashely tisdale! :) :) :) shes 1/2 jewish 2!!! shes so kewl ... LOL!!! i sed i <3 u in HSM2! she sez TTYL!!!!! we r gonna b BFFS!!!!!! GTG...... XoXoXoXo dakota","Borderline Jew","Dianna Agron| Amanda Bynes| Zac Efron| Lea Michele| Taylor Swift"
331,"Isaac Levitan",13,5,4,4,"Say what you want being a Jew in America today, but at least we got our freedoms. For instance, the freedom to choose where to live. So we choose to live in New Jersey. By the same token, we can choose to live in Alabama, Oregon, or Guam. Or even Nebraska. In Czarist Russia, the location chose you. So, if you were Jewish, you couldn't live in a big city like Moscow or St. Petersburg. Under the Pale of Settlement, you were forced to stay in your shtetl or pick the Russian equivalent of Alabama or Nebraska. New Jersey seems nicer by the minute. So Isaac Levitan was kicked out of Moscow. It doesn't matter that he was one of the most influential landscape painters of the 19th century. He could have been Isaac Levitan, the local shoe cobbler, the result would have been the same. Cities were off-limits. Now, being stuck in the Russian version of Nebraska might have been good for Levitan the landscape painter, but it sure wasn't too desirable for Levitan the human being. Thankfully for him, there were some benefits to being a famous painter, which came in the form of powerful friends. So Levitan was able to circumvent the law and return to Moscow... after some palms were greased. There is a joke somewhere about similarities between modern-day America and Czarist Russia, but we choose not to make it.","Jew","Victor David Brenner| Marc Chagall| Maurycy Gottlieb| Jacques Lipchitz| Camille Pissarro"
332,"Gloria Steinem",12,3,5,4,"Dear angry feminists, Please stop writing our website. We know there are many Jewish women who have had a much larger impact on the world at large than, say, Alicia Silverstone or Sarah Michelle Gellar. But whenever we get the urge to profile one of them, an even stronger urge points us towards yet another Jewish starlet. In fact, as early as this morning we were looking at Jewish Playboy centerfolds. Purely for research purposes, we swear. Well, no more. Thanks to your letters, we are turning over a new leaf. We will be serious from this point on. We will give Jewish women their due. And no one associated with Playboy will ever appear on our website again. After this profile. Thanks for voicing your concerns, Jew or Not Jew","Jew","Bella Abzug| Judy Chicago| Betty Friedan| Hugh Hefner| Cindy Margolis"
333,"Robert Downey Jr.",9,3,2,4,"There are quite a few things we don't understand about the goyim. Good Friday. Haggis. The Macarena. And the inability to come up with names for their children. We're not talking about the recent trend of sticking a ""y"" everywhere: ""Jordan"" becoming ""Jordyn"", ""Brandon"" becoming ""Brandyn"". Sure, there's nothing creative about vowel swapping, but that's a discussion for another time. Here, we're talking about the tradition of naming children after yourself. No, we Jews got it right. No Moishe Juniors or Schlomo Juniors here. And that's probably for the best. So we can't go above ""Borderline Jew"" for Robert Downey Junior. He is 3/8th Jewish, but that was not enough to stop his father from slapping his son with the unimaginative moniker. Downey does call himself a ""Jewish-Buddhist"", but says he's also dabbed in Christianity and Krishnaism. And his own son is named ""Indio"". Yep, ""Borderline Jew"" it is.","Borderline Jew","Charlie Chaplin| Benedict Cumberbatch| Robert Downey Sr.| Sherlock Holmes| Sarah Jessica Parker"
334,"Barbie",8,4,1,3,"Barbie, the ultimate goy, a Jew? Check out this heritage: invented by Jewish businesswoman Ruth Handler and marketed by her husband Elliot, Barbie is actually named for Ruth's daughter Barbara. Born to Jews, named for Jews, that's downright Jew-rific! It's a little confusing, though. After all, what's Jewish about a blonde haired, blue eyed, airhead obsessed with clothes, cars, houses... Oh great. The doll that every little girl is supposed to emulate| a true American icon — and she's a J.A.P. Maybe we were better off letting her stay in the pink plastic closet.","Jew","Betty Boop| Clutch| Mr. Potato Head| Rebecca Rubin| Twilight Sparkle"
335,"Dustin Hoffman",13,4,5,4,"As a service to our young readers, we are introducing a new semi-irregular feature, ""Ask Jew or Not Jew"". Here is the first letter we've received. Dear Jew or Not Jew, I am about to enter high school and my nose is too big. Should I get a nose job?| Alex Katz, 14, Beverly Hills, California Dear Alex, Thank you for contacting us on such a personal matter. Choosing whether to get a nose job is one of the most difficult decisions a Jewish teenager in Beverly Hills will ever face. So should you go ahead with it? Take a look at the famous actor Dustin Hoffman. You might know him from such films as Your parents might know him as the two-time Oscar-winning actor from ""The Graduate"", ""Kramer vs Kramer"", ""Tootsie"", and ""Rain Man"". When Mr. Hoffman was your age, his parents offered to get him a nose job. Dustin chose against it, and rode that distinguished appendage into becoming one of the most accomplished Hollywood actors today of the 20th century. Wait, Alex, are you a girl? If so, ignore all of the above. Yours in rhinoplasty, Jew or Not Jew.","Jew","Carl Bernstein| Adrien Brody| Jacques Joseph| Sarah Jessica Parker| Barbra Streisand"
336,"Pope John Paul II",4,0,0,4,"Has there ever been a Jewish pope? Trust us, the question is not as silly as it seems on the surface. The first pope, Peter, was Jewish. Of course, after him, it was 2000 years of goiym. Nothing unexpected there. There was an antipope of Jewish descent, Anacletus II; frankly, we don't have the time nor the desire to research 12th century Italian politics to figure out the legitimacy of his claim to the throne. Plus, a photo for his profile would be pretty hard to find. So what are we doing profiling John Paul II? Well, a researcher has delved into the Wojtyla family tree, and proclaims the pope's mother, Emilia Kaczorowska, was born Emilia Katz. We do know for a fact that young Karol spent a lot of time in the Jewish community in his birth town of Wadowice. And the researcher cites those supposed Jewish roots as the reason for Karol going into hiding during World War II, something that would have not been necessary if he was 100% Polish. And, unlike every other pope out there, starting with Peter and ending with former Nazi Youth Benedict XVI, we would welcome John Paul II with open arms. He did more than his fair share to improve relations between Catholics and Jews, and was praised by Jews throughout the world for doing so. But, in all fairness, it's only one researcher's claim. So we're sticking with the verdict below, until someone makes a trip to Wadowice and confirms those findings. We're looking at you, JONJ readers.","Not a Jew","Pope Alexander VI| Jesus Christ| G-d| Saint Peter| Virgin Mary"
337,"Michael Phelps",5,0,0,5,"We are often asked, how do we select who to profile for this website. Our answer was, we let a trained monkey pick names out of a hat. Oh, if it was only so simple! Ever since the monkey left us for the great beyond, we are stuck with making the decisions by ourselves. The handy suggestion box helps, of course. Picking the Jews is simple enough. Our landsmen has achieved great success in almost every field imaginable. Selecting one to profile is like shooting fish in a barrel. Picking non-Jews is trickier. There are just too many of them out there. Ideally, we like to pick subjects who someone out there might think are Jewish. Chuck Norris is a perfect example. No, he is not Jewish, but there are internet rumors that he is. So we write a few jokes, and squash those rumors with a low Jew Score and a ""Not a Jew"" verdict. Perfect. But there are no such rumors about Michael Phelps. In fact, other than a couple of his relay teammates, there is not much that ties him to Jews in any way. However, that hasn't stopped his name from being one of the highest-searched ones on our website, with multiple readers asking us to profile him. And we understand those readers. We ourselves would love it if the greatest Olympic champion of all time was Jewish. Hell, we often thought of starting that rumor in this very space... but then the whole integrity thing comes in. So Phelps is not Jewish. And neither is the other most-requested person out there: George Bush, and we have no idea why anyone would think otherwise. So he is not getting his own profile, no matter how many times we are asked. We even removed his name from the hat in case we ever get a new monkey.","Sadly, Not a Jew","Jason Dunford| Jason Lezak| Chuck Norris| Mark Spitz| Johnny Weissmuller"
338,"Daniel Snyder",8,4,3,1,"For our young Jewish readers dreaming of NFL stardom, we got bad news: it's not likely to happen. There are 1700 active players in the National Football League. Of those, maybe five are Jewish. Definitely not more than ten. That's half a percent, at best. But don't fret, young football fans. Of the 32 NFL teams, nine are owned by Jews outright: Atlanta, Cleveland (Randy Lerner), Indianapolis (Jim Irsay), Minnesota (Zygi Wilf), New England (Robert Kraft), Oakland (Al Davis), Philadelphia (Jeffrey Lurie), Tampa Bay (Malcolm Glazer), and Washington (Daniel Snyder). And two, Miami and the New York Giants, are half-owned by Jews: Stephen Ross and Steve Tisch, respectively. Put it all together, and that's 31%! Talk about good odds! So, young fans, drop those footballs and stop dreaming of becoming Peyton Manning, and pick up those glasses and start dreaming of becoming Daniel Snyder. Just think of the possibilities: you can hire and fire coaches yearly, overspend on useless free agents, charge fans for attending practice, and cling to your team's racist moniker! A career as a power-hungry football mogul is within your grasp... a disposable billion dollars would help, of course.","Sadly, a Jew","Arthur Blank| Al Davis| Malcolm Glazer| Robert Kraft| Zygi Wilf"
339,"Theo Epstein",12,4,4,4,"Please select the Red Sox fate: The Boston Red Soxwindo not win the 2008 World Series: Well, once again, the stupid Red Sox have won the stupid World Series. Yes, yes congrats all around to Mr. Theo Epstein the Jewish genius who took the loser Sox and made them (*sigh*) winners. You're the greatest ever, blah blah blah blah blah. The best team in Major League Baseball. One of the smartest men in the sport. Even brings in the best Jewish players. Like that makes Theo Epstein special. OK, it probably does. Well good for Mr. Smart Aleck. He's proved his superiority once again. We bow to his unfettered genius and look forward to many more baseball victories for his glorious Boston club. Whatever, the Red Sox still suck. Ha, ha! A hearty congratulations to the Boston Red Sox who have once again managed to take one of the best teams in Major League Baseball and just lose, lose, lose, lose, lose. Sure Theo Epstein is one of the smartest men in baseball. And he's built a talented franchise from top to bottom. He even brings in great Jewish players like Kevin Youkilis and Gabe Kapler. You know what all that means? Diddly. Guess what Mr. Smart Aleck. It doesn't matter how hard you work or how much more intelligent you are than everyone else. You and your Red Sox are losers and you always will be. So get used to it. Unless you're lucky enough to get hired by the New York Yankees. document.ff.s1.selectedIndex = 0; function doSelect(x) { hide1 = d1; hide2 = d2; show = d0; if (x == 1) {show = d1; hide1 = d0;} if (x == 2) {show = d2; hide2 = d0;} hide1.style.display = 'none'; hide2.style.display = 'none'; show.style.display = 'inline'; } function selectBox() { v = document.ff.s1.value; doSelect(v); }","Jew","Ruben Amaro Jr.| Brian Cashman| Harry Frazee| Ryan Kalish| Kevin Youkilis"
340,"Jerry Bruckheimer",11,4,4,3,"Jerry Bruckheimer has had a long and storied career producing movies. This can make his K score (the measure of how much we want a person to be Jewish) particularly complicated to quantify. Some of his movies are really good: ""Beverly Hills Cop"", ""Crimson Tide"", and ""Pirates of the Caribbean"". Some are pretty fun and exciting: ""Top Gun"", ""Bad Boys"", ""The Rock"", and ""Con Air"". Some are just utter trash: ""Armageddon"" and ""Pearl Harbor"". And then there is ""Kangaroo Jack"". How exactly does that fit in? Bruckheimer, known for big-time action movies, somehow made a movie about a rapping kangaroo. Huh? So let's just give him a K Score of a 3 and call it a day.","Jew","Michael Bay| Jason Blum| Robert Evans| Joel Silver| Harvey Weinstein"
341,"Daniel Day-Lewis",11,3,3,5,"By now, you should know there are all kinds of Jews out there. Polish Jews, Spanish Jews, Black Jews, You-name-it-they-exist Jews. Heck, we even knew an Eskimo Jew at one point. So no one should be surprised by the existence of Irish Jews. But, boy, they're tough to find. Perhaps it is because, in the Catholic vs. Protestant world of Ireland, being Jewish is like voting Nader. It's a valid choice, we suppose, but it's nothing that the rest of the country will understand, let alone embrace. Or maybe it's Irish cuisine. Having recently visited, we can't exactly describe the Irish diet as Jew-friendly. Oh, the usual lambs and steaks and salmons are fine enough. But for some reason everything has bacon in it. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, dessert? Bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon. We're pretty sure we were offered bacon tea at one point. Not exactly an easy place to keep kosher. So it makes sense that while Daniel Day-Lewis is both Jewish and Irish, it is only by descent on both sides (Jewish mother. Born and raised in England.) The cultures are simply too incompatible to be on any closer terms. It's too bad. With both cultures' love of corned beef, we could have made one heck of a sandwich.","Jew","Bob Geldof| Chaim Herzog| Sarah Palin| Sean Penn| Joaquin Phoenix"
342,"Leah Remini",7,3,1,3,"When we found out that Leah Remini is half Jewish, we didn't get too excited. After all, she is just a sitcom actress. A poor man's Fran Drescher. And when we found out that she is a Scientologist, our already low level of excitement dropped to previously uncharted depths. But then we started thinking. It seems that the list of prominent, formerly Jewish Scientologists begins and ends with Remini. Jerry Seinfeld tried it for a while, but he was wise enough to quit. It just seems that Jews are not that... what's the word we're looking for here? Gullible? Dumb? So we're sorry for the opening paragraph, Ms. Drescher. We're gonna downgrade Ms. Remini to a poor man's Kirstie Alley. And nobody wins from that comparison.","Borderline Jew","Beck| Fran Drescher| Kevin James| Mimi Rogers| Jerry Stiller"
343,"Isaac Asimov",14,4,5,5,"We are afraid. We are very afraid. We are very afraid of robots. Oh sure, they seem harmless now. The robot dog can do neat tricks without leaving a mess on your carpet. The Robot World Cup has about as much excitement a soccer game between four-year-olds. And the robot girlfriend... Well, let's leave that one alone for now. But we've seen the future, and the future is bleak. A robot already beat a human in chess. In chess! On our own turf! Mankind enslavement is just around the corner. If only robot designers listened to Isaac Asimov's ""Three Laws of Robotics"". Especially that first one, which says that no robot may injure a human being. But we doubt they listened. The extra gigabytes that could have gone towards that are probably used to make the robot dog bark louder. The robot soccer player to kick stronger. The robot girlfriend... well, let's leave that one alone for now. But we have a solution. Jewish robots. That's right, Jewish robots. Sounds silly? On the surface, perhaps. But think about it: we Jews don't attack. We Jews don't enslave. We Jews are born with a guilt complex. So maybe that robot girlfriend won't be as hot if she was made Jewish. But she'd definitely make a better robot mother. There might be some nagging, but she'll make sure the children are well fed, brush their teeth, and do their homework. And mankind enslavement? That will only be an afterthought.","Jew","Marvin Minsky| Robots| Carl Sagan| Arkady and Boris Strugatsky| Jules Verne"
344,"Saint Peter",9,5,2,2,"Sometimes, we wish the Christians were right. Sometimes, we wish there was heaven. Heaven, with its harps and soft white clouds. Heaven, where we could chat with Kurt Vonnegut or watch Vincent van Gogh paint or listen to Louis Armstrong play his trumpet. Heaven, instead of the nothingness we are destined to. And if the Christians are right and there is heaven, we hope Saint Peter lets us in. We've tried to live an honorable life. So we bet on the wrong horse. How could we know at the time? And if Saint Peter gives us beef and closes the gates, we'd point out that he was also a Jew. That he had also been wrong, at least three times in his life. Probably a bit more if he gave it some thought. We'd point out that a good Christian is supposed to love his fellow man, and what good Christian would deny that fellow man a chance to go to heaven? However, we doubt that the Christians are right.","Borderline Jew","Jesus Christ| Death| Judas Iscariot| Saint Matthias| Saint Paul"
345,"David Mamet",13,5,4,4,"We fucking love David Mamet. Of all the writers in Hollywood, that Hebe is one of our absolute favorites. Maybe you've never heard of him, but you've seen one of his fantastic fucking flicks at some point, we guaran-goddam-tee it. House of fucking Games. The Un-fucking-touchables. Glengarry Glen goddam Ross. The list goes on. And maybe he has a bit of a potty mouth| in David Mamet's world, even motherfucking grandma talks like some piss-swilling dockworker. And maybe the dirty little Jew overuses his ethnic slurs a little too much for our liking. But only a stinking, steaming turd of a human being would let that kind of bullshit stop him from enjoying one of Mamet's amazing movies. In fact, we'd rip our own fucking hearts out and feast on the remains to write half as well as that son of a bitch. Fuck yeah.","Jew","Zosia Mamet| Sam Mendes| Arthur Miller| Neil Simon| Tom Stoppard"
346,"Leopold Bloom",8,3,2,3,"Previously, we've lamented the lack of memorable Jewish characters in literature. One would think that in three millenniums of the written word, we could do better than Shylock and Fagin. So when it was pointed out that the main character of James Joyce's ""Ulysses"", Leopold Bloom, is Jewish, we went to our local book store and bought a tome of the famed classic. How can one go wrong with what was selected as the finest English-language novel of the 20th century? Or so we thought. Oh, did we ever give it a chance! First on its own, then with annotations. It turns out that Bloom wasn't even really Jewish. His father was, but converted to Protestantism. His mother was a Catholic. Bloom himself converted to Catholicism. But it's not Bloom's lack of Judaism that turned us off. We've never been so indifferent when reading a book. We've never been so bored. Top novel of the 20th century? Give us #2, ""The Great Gatsby"". Give us #4, ""Lolita"", #13, ""1984"", #18, ""Slaughterhouse Five"", or #45, ""The Sun Also Rises"". Give us Jay Gatsby. Give us Winston Smith or Billy Pilgrim or Jake Barnes. Heck we'd even take... well, OK, not Humbert Humbert. But any of them would be better, any of them would be more memorable than Leopold Bloom. Sigh. We guess there is no accounting for taste.","Barely a Jew","Ostap Bender| Fagin| Jay Gatsby| Humbert Humbert| Willy Loman"
347,"Alan Greenspan",13,5,5,3,"Do you remember the late, great, 1998? Monica Lewinsky became the first Jew to hold a position in the Oval Office. Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa's home run chase made everyone look past their ginormous heads. The good people of Minnesota elected a former pro wrestler to be their governor. The Pets.com puppet won America's hearts. And although Tom Cruise was insane, he kept it private. And the economy? Oh, the economy. The economy could do no wrong. The Internet opened previously unimaginable possibilities. The stock market was climbing and climbing. And, clutching the almighty dollar in our hand, we felt like kings during our trips to Europe. And we all prayed at the altar of Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan. He made it all come together. Flash forward ten years. Lewinsky and Jesse Ventura are distant memories, McGwire and Sosa have been outed, and Cruise is a certifiable nut job. And the economy? Don't get us started on the economy. Oh well. We'll always have 1998. We'll always have that time when a Jew led America to a period of financial prosperity and bliss. And as for all the Pets.com stock we bought? Well, at least we have enough wallpaper to last a lifetime.","Jew","Ben Bernanke| Tim Geithner| Monica Lewinsky| Barbara Walters| Janet Yellen"
348,"Mel Gibson",0,0,0,0,"NO.","Not a Jew","Jesus Christ| Bobby Fischer| Charlie Sheen| Joseph Stalin| Richard Wagner"
349,"Kevin Bacon",6,1,1,4,"Kevin Baconwas in ""Planes, Trains and Automobiles"" with Steve Martinwho was in ""Grand Canyon"" with Kevin Kline (Barely a Jew)who was in ""A Fish Called Wanda"" with Jamie Lee Curtis (Half a Jew by birth)who was in ""True Lies"" with Tom Arnold (Converted to become a Jew)who was in ""Big Bully"" with Rick Moranis (Jew) who was in ""Spaceballs"" with Mel Brooks (Do you have to ask?) Oh, and Bacon's wife Kyra Sedgwick is Jewish. If you want to be lazy about it.","Not a Jew","Tom Arnold| Mel Brooks| Jamie Lee Curtis| Kevin Kline| Kyra Sedgwick"
350,"William Shakespeare",6,0,1,5,"Have you heard this one? The one that says that Shakespeare was a Jewish woman? Oh, we're not making it up. It's all over the interwebs. See, if we were making this up, we'd say that Shakespeare was a black Jewish woman. What, that's part of the rumor too? Ummmm... Shakespeare was a black Jewish Italian Catholic woman? What? That's out there as well? How about black Jewish Italian Catholic gay illiterate amputee woman? OK, that last one we are making up. So how about we stop right now? Why people think all of this is less ridiculous than an unpublished, unemployed actor, we'll never know.","Not a Jew","Miguel de Cervantes| Nim Chimpsky| Isaac Newton| Rosencrantz and Guildenstern| Shylock"
351,"Albert Brooks",13,4,5,4,"Let's say that your last name is Einstein. A fairly common Jewish last name. And let's say you have a son. How would you name that son? David is a good Jewish name. David Einstein. Doesn't sound too bad. What about Michael? Michael Einstein. Not too shabby. Benjamin Einstein. Samuel Einstein. Or you don't even have to go to the Jewish route. Ryan Einstein! Jayden Einstein! Xavier Einstein! There are many many options. And we know one thing: Albert is not among them. As if the kid won't have enough trouble with that last name alone. But ""Albert Einstein""? It's a bit too much to live up to. It's a bit too much to deal with. You'll need a big sense of humor with that one. No wonder Albert Einstein... err... make that Albert Brooks, became a comedian.","Jew","Albert Einstein| Bob Einstein| Harry Einstein| Marlin and Nemo| Sharon Stone"
352,"Guy Ritchie",6,1,2,3,"Guy Ritchie was a young, talented, British director. His movies were hip. ""Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels"". ""Snatch"". His movies were cool. And then what happened? Madonna. Instead of making movies, he followed the Material Girl everywhere she went. To Africa to adopt babies. To the Kabbalah center to pretend to be Jewish. Then, rumors of their split started to grow. Madonna was shown chatting up Alex Rodriguez. Ritchie went back to his roots and made ""RocknRolla"", which wasn't ""Snatch"", but wasn't ""Swept Away"" either. And now they are splitsville. So two questions linger... will Ritchie continue to pretend to be Jewish with Madonna out of the picture? And, with the Material Girl no longer lingering, will he make cool movies again? We're rather looking forward to that upcoming Sherlock Holmes film, after all.","Not a Jew","Sherlock Holmes| Madonna| Sean Penn| Alex Rodriguez| Edgar Wright"
353,"Tony Kornheiser",13,4,5,4,"There once was a pretty good sports columnist for the Washington Post named Tony Kornheiser. Tony was so popular he moved on to other media. He had a radio show. He appeared on the Sports Reporters on ESPN. And then in October of 2001, Tony's fairy godmother hooked him up with Michael Wilbon, turned a pumpkin into a carriage, and carried them both to a wonderful program called Pardon the Interruption. And it was magical. An old New York Jew and a Midwestern black man would bicker for half an hour about sports and Tonya Harding and somehow we were all put under their spell. But then, one fateful day, an evil wizard captured Tony and put him in front of millions as the co-host of Monday Night Football. And cursed our beloved Tony, transforming him into a drooling, screeching idiot. So now Tony is trapped on MNF, doing grating broadcast after grating broadcast. Constantly replaced on PTI by such unlikeable goyishe boobs as Bob Ryan and Dan LeBatard. Kept from writing a column for the past two years. And yet we dream. We hope someday Tony will escape this evil fate and return to us a better, wiser, less annoying man. So we can all live happily ever after.","Jew","Jason Alexander| Larry Brown| Howard Cosell| Shirley Povich| Dick Schaap"
354,"Yul Brynner",5,1,1,3,"We've developed a few templates over the years here at JONJ. One fairly common one is when we take a person with a Jewish sounding name, point out all the ways in which they appear Jewish, and then twist it around by pointing out they're not Jews. But can we do the reverse? You betcha. Take our follically challenged friend, Yul Brynner. Born in Russia, Yul Brynner claimed to have Romany heritage, and even released albums singing Gypsy music. His acting career is associated with just two roles| the King of Siam and Ramses II (in Ten Commandments). Even the name, Yul: as in Yule Log and Yule Tidings. The man just screams goy. So can you guess where we're going here? Yul was a hidden Jew, right? Especially since he continued the family tradition by vehemently denying any Jewish ancestry... Nope. Not Jewish. He wasn't even Romany. How about that twist?","Not a Jew","Cecil B. DeMille| Robert Goulet| Jerry Haleva| Ben Kingsley| Eli Wallach"
355,"Jeffrey Hoffman",12,4,4,4,"When we profiled Judith Resnik, we implied that there were only two well-known Jewish astronauts... and they both died during missions. Not exactly an uplifting statement. But why dwell on the bad? Let's celebrate... Jews... in... Space! (Zooming along, protecting the Human Race!) Resnik was actually the first American Jew in space, taking off in 1984, and was followed by Jeffrey Hoffman, a year later. They are joined by Ellen Baker, Marsha Ivins, Jerome Apt, David Wolf, Martin Fettman, John Grunsfeld, Scott Horowitz, Mark Polansky, Garrett Reisman, and Gregory Chamitoff. So there you have it. 13 Jews astronauts in total. Over 30 flights among them (Hoffman, Ivins, and Grunsfled check in at five each). Mel Brooks must be proud. And so would Judith Resnik.","Jew","Mel Brooks| Scott Horowitz| Judith Resnik| Boris Volynov| David Wolf"
356,"Zac Efron",8,2,3,3,"Some of our readers have asked us to profile Zac Efron, the star of ""High School Musical"". And who are we to deny our loyal readers? So, Zac Efron. Zac. Efron... Well, his name is Zac and that's.... Ummmmm. We got nothing. We'd ask our intern, the young woman who profiled Zac's co-star Ashley Tisdale, but she's since left us for a staff position at the Wall Street Journal. And we're not watching High School Musical. So that's out. You know what? Whatever happened to good high school movies? High school movies with plots? Give us ""Karate Kid"". Give us ""Teen Wolf"". Give us... Oops, showing our age. In any case, there's one thing the new generation has on us. For as much as we love to reminisce about campy 80s flicks, their stars| Ralph Macchio or Michael J. Fox or John Cusack — were not Jewish. Meanwhile, singing, dancing, teenage girl-swooning Zac does not practice any religion, but does have a Jewish grandparent. We hope that satisfies our readers. Hashem knows it's more than enough for us.","Jew","Michael J. Fox| Adam Levine| Lea Michele| Josh Peck| Ashley Tisdale"
357,"Jennifer Connelly",9,3,3,3,"One of our favorite movies is Sergio Leone's masterpiece ""Once Upon a Time in America"". It's like if ""The Godfather"" was Jewish. We highly recommend picking it up in your local video store, that is if you have four hours to spare. But we do have a bone to pick with the movie, and it has everything to do with the casting. Sure, Robert De Niro and James Woods give terrific performances as the two leads, but... in a movie about the Jewish mafia, shouldn't the two leads be Jewish? The closest we get to a Jew is the then-eleven-year-old Jennifer Connelly, who now is better known for her Supporting Oscar-winning turn in ""A Beautiful Mind"". And she is a half-Jew at that. Way to un-Jew a Jewish classic, Hollywood. It's not like you cast a Jew instead of an Italian in a major role in ""The Godfather"". Oh, wait.","Jew","James Caan| Robert De Niro| Goldie Hawn| Jamie-Lynn Sigler| Ione Skye"
358,"Adolf Hitler",0,0,1,-1,"Ever since we started this site, one profile has been the most requested. One name has been searched for the most. Adolf Hitler. And for years, we resisted. Seeing Hitler's mug splashed all over our website just seems wrong. And our lowest possible score of zero just seems... too high. But the requests keep on coming. And you know what? Why shouldn't we profile Hitler? After all, we're here to address Jewish rumors. And yes, one of the biggest Jewish rumors out there is that Hitler had Jewish blood. Well, those rumors are totally and completely false. Yes, there are some theories that Adolf's father wasn't his father. Or that his grandmother got impregnated by a Jew. Or that his mother had an affair with Jewish aliens from the future. And then there are the studies that ""concluded"" that Hitler might have had Jewish DNA. ""Might have"". Just like, according to the very same studies, he might have had African DNA. Or Spanish DNA. Or alien DNA? Yawn. It's all such ridiculous BS. But that hasn't stopped people from trying. Repeat after us: there is nothing there. We hope you're happy, JONJ readers. And to think, we could have spent all this time profiling Zac Efron or Darth Vader or someone else worthwhile...","Not a Jew","Eva Braun| Zac Efron| Alfred Rosenberg| Darth Vader| Richard Wagner"
359,"Rosa Luxemburg",12,4,4,4,"What if... the communists won? Pipe down, Ronald Reagan fans. We know what you're thinking. Communism is evil, yadda yadda yadda. And who are we to argue. The Soviet machine is dead, North Korea is a glorified labor camp, and China... well, yes. But we're not talking about China. And we're not talking about communists winning the eternal struggle against capitalists. We're talking about the specific case of the German Revolution of 1918, when the German communists were oh so close of taking control of the country... That is, until their leaders, Karl Liebknecht and Rosa Luxemburg, the latter a Jew, were murdered by opposite forces. So what would have happen if Karl and Rosa weren't killed and turned Germany into their version of communist haven, with a Jewish woman in charge? Would Hitler still find a way to come to power? Would the Holocaust be avoided? Would Europe today be ruled by an Orwellian Soviet Union of Russia and Germany? We better stop. We think we just heard Ronald Reagan turn over in his grave.","Jew","Friedrich Engels| Ruth Fischer| Karl Marx| Ernst Toller| Clara Zetkin"
360,"Bill Maher",9,3,2,4,"We could talk about Bill Maher the comedian. About ""Politically Incorrect"", and ""Real Time with Bill Maher"", and the new ""Religulous"" film he has out. Or we could talk about Bill Maher the half-Jew. About how he was raised Catholic, and did not find out about his roots until he was a teenager. Perhaps this is why he didn't develop such a hatred for Judaism, compared to the one he harbors for Catholicism. Instead, we're going to talk about ""Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death"". For those not familiar with the classic title, it stars former Playboy model and erotica actress Shannon Tweed as a feminist professor, who is led into the mysterious jungle by Maher. There, as the title suggests, they encounter cannibal women, avocados, and death. We're not going to spoil the ending for those interested in renting the flick. It's an unforgettable hour and a half, to say the least.","Barely a Jew","Larry Charles| Stephen Colbert| Larry King| David Letterman| Jon Stewart"
361,"Sasha Cohen",12,4,4,4,"Sasha Cohen must rue the day of November 3, 2006. No, that's not the day when she lost the US Figure Skating Championship to judge's pet Michelle Kwan. On that day, ""Borat"" came out. Immediately, Sasha Cohen became the world's second most famous Sasha Cohen. Oh sure, prior to the movie's release, Sacha Baron Cohen had a following. And sure, he spells his name a little differently. Do you think it really mattered to Sasha since every one of her skating performances must now include an obligatory joke about the mustached Kazakh? Well, there are two ways out for poor Sasha. She could just use her full first name, Alexandra. Or she could hope ""Br<U+FFFD>no"" bombs, knocking Baron Cohen off his pedestal. No, honestly, you think it's a coincidence that she hasn't competed since 2006?","Jew","Oksana Baiul| Sacha Baron Cohen| Gracie Gold| Sarah Hughes| Nancy Kerrigan"
362,"Milton Berle",11,4,3,4,"There are all kinds of stereotypes about Jews. Some we actually don't mind, others not so much (greedy, momma's boys). Our least favorite? Probably the one about the Jewish male's... ummm, how do we put this delicately... size. To you ladies out there, we're sure this sounds ridiculous. There's countries full of people who believe that Jews are the source of all evil in the world. Who blame us for everything from the death of their God to the current economic crisis. And our big concern is that people think we might have a small penis? What can we say? The male ego is a simple creature and it doesn't take much to| ahem — stroke it. And that's why we love Milton Berle. Not because he was a pioneer in film, radio and television. Or that there was a time when he was considered one of the funniest men alive. Those are all nice things and not to be overlooked. But mostly we're thankful for his reputation for having a really large... Well, you get the idea. Nothing, not even a later years fondness for Christian Science, is going to keep us from paying tribute to that.","Borderline Jew","Mel Brooks| George Burns| Danny Kaye| Jackie Mason| Henny Youngman"
363,"Meryl Streep",8,1,2,5,"Meryl Streep suffered a huge disappointment recently. No, it wasn't losing another Oscar. No, Meryl Streep found out that she is not Dutch. And why does that matter to us? Well, Meryl thought that not only was she Dutch, but also a descendant of Dutch Jews. Supposedly, her father's side of the family emigrated from Spain to Holland. Instead of signing their Jewish last name, they drew a line... or ""streep"" in Dutch. But sadly for Meryl, that is not the case. Recent research found that her paternal great-grandfather brought his last name not from Holland, but from Germany. And it wasn't Streep, it was Streebe. And sadly for us as well. Although... according to the same research, Meryl still might have Jewish ancestry| she is related to Jewish director Mike Nichols. And have you seen her performance in ""Prime"", when she plays a Jewish mother and nails it? Every turn of the head, every look, every nuance? All right. Fine. Meryl Streep might have some Jewish ancestry, at best. But she is still a terrific actress. A terrific goyishe actress. Talk about a huge disappointment.","Sadly, Not a Jew","Nora Ephron| Anne Hathaway| Helen Mirren| Julianne Moore| Mike Nichols"
364,"Sarah Palin",1,0,1,0,"We give up, Internet. You win. We're going to profile Sarah Palin. Oh, it was such a joke at JONJ Headquarters; ever since John McCain put Sarah on the ticket and she started to appear in our searches, we laughed. Sarah Palin. Jewish? Why would anyone ever think so? The woman screams of her Christian values every chance she gets. We should have known better. With Palin's rise to prominence, every possible rumor has arisen. Sarah Palin is a lesbian? Check. Sarah Palin is a Nazi? Check. Sarah Palin is a communist? Check. Sarah Palin is a Satan worshiper? Check. Sarah Palin is a werewolf? We haven't heard that one... yet. But one that we have heard, and are hearing louder and louder, is that Sarah Palin is, yes, Jewish. Supposedly her grandparents were Lithuanian Jews, Schmuel and Louise, who had their name changed on Ellis Island, from the oh-so-Jewish Sheigman to the oh-so-goyishe Sheeran. Now, you can believe that. You can even ignore the fact that no Sheigan or Sheeran came through Ellis Island during the supposed year of Sarah's grandparents' immigration. Godspeed. Or you can believe actual research, that traces Palins's roots all the way back to the 1700s. That actual research will tell you that Sarah's grandparents were not Schmuel and Louise, but Clement and Helen, and were not from Lithuania, but from Washington state. And their parents came from Minnesota and Wisconsin. They probably never saw a real Jew in their life. There, Internet. You got your Sarah Palin profile. Satisfied? What's your next absurd Jewish rumor? George W. Bush? Let's not even joke about that one, OK?","Not a Jew","Michele Bachmann| Hillary Clinton| Tina Fey| Ernest Gruening| Rick Perry"
365,"Darth Vader",6,0,1,5,"Many Bothans died to bring you the image on the right. When they finally delivered it to us, hidden in the hard drive of a damaged R2 unit, we were confused. Hebrew lettering on Darth Vader's chest? What could it mean? Clearly, he's not Jewish. First of all, Exodus clearly states that the Skywalker tribe chose to stay in Egypt instead of following Moses to the promised land. Plus, Vader's whole dedication to the Force and not the Talmud means he can't have converted. Then there's the constant choking. Maybe if he slaughtered his enemies with guilt. But, no. But if Vader is just another lightsaber-wielding, pig-consuming Gentile, why the Hebrew letters? Easy: Vader's TAILOR must have been Jewish! Now see that makes sense. Some poor landsman working on the Death Star designing all those meshuggenah outfits for the Empire. And when he did Vader's suit| his piece de resistance, if you will — he decided to add a little personal touch. Can't you just see it now? A little man with a beard and a yarmulke scrambling around the Imperial halls patching torn uniforms, checking Vader's inseam, collecting payment from the Emperor... It makes too much sense to not be true. We've just got to hope our little friend got off the space station before the whole thing went kablooey.","Sadly, Not a Jew","Hayden Christensen| Mark Hamill| Irvin Kershner| George Lucas| Yoda"
366,"Barbara Walters",11,4,3,4,"Barbara Walters. Media icon. Television pioneer. Senator's paramour. We were lucky enough to have her sit down with us for a small, entirely fictional, chat. JONJ: Barbara, we were surprised to find out that you were Jewish. Well, my pawents wewe Jewish, but my fathew left the weligion and became an atheist. We nevew celebwated the holidays, nevew went to a Passovew sedew. JONJ: So, do you consider yourself a Jew? I do. JONJ: If you were a tree, what kind would you be? You know, I nevew asked that question. When Kathawine Hepbuwn said she would like to be a twee, what I asked was... JONJ: Sure, we believe you. That said, if you were a tree, what kind would you be? ... a sibewian fiw.","Jew","Joy Behar| Katie Couric| Alan Greenspan| Henry Kissinger| Marlene Sanders"
367,"Max Bialystock",13,5,5,3,"Did you know that under the right circumstances, a producer could make more money with a flop website than he could with a hit? Just look at JONJ, for instance. Two years ago, when we started this website, we could go days without writing a profile, and no one would notice. We could make a mistake, and no one would correct us. Our five readers did not put a load on our server. And although we made no money off the site, we certainty did not lose much. Now... not that we are complaining, but the times have changed. We're stamping out at least five profiles a week, and the suggestion box is overflowing with new requests. Hundreds of daily readers and thousands of database hits forced us to move to a new server. We stay longer hours at work. Weekends are no longer a time to relax. Sleep has been curtailed to an unhealthy seven-and-a-half hours per night. We even had to hire a secretary. JONJ has become a financial, emotional, and mental drain. How could this happen? We were so careful. We picked the wrong writing style, the wrong site design, the wrong subject. Where did we go right?","Jew","Jason Alexander| Leopold Bloom| Mel Brooks| Nathan Lane| Zero Mostel"
368,"Ann Landers",12,5,3,4,"Dear Ann Landers, We are the writers of a semi-popular website entitled JewOrNotJew.com in which we rate the Jewishness of various celebrities and historical figures. It's a good time. In any case, we're not writing you to ask if you are Jewish. Nor are we curious about your twin sister and competitor Abby, nor her daughter who replaced her. We know that you are all Jews and we're proud to have you. No, you see, recently we've been wondering something about our chosen profession/obsession: Is it polite for us to be doing this? After all, whether someone is Jewish or not really is none of our business. Are we being rude for pointing it out? By searching the Internet for evidence of Jewishness are we, in fact, doing something improper? Please let us know at your earliest convenience. We could not continue without your sage advice.| Guilty in Greenwich Can you believe she never wrote us back? How rude.","Jew","Joyce Brothers| Dear Abby| Miss Manners| Laura Schlessinger| Benjamin Spock"
369,"Mark Zuckerberg",12,4,5,3,"Sometimes we feel like the Internet has gone ahead and surfed right past us. Oh sure, we're still in pretty good shape with our big ol' Jewish website and all. But then there's all this other stuff out there that people claim to be enjoying. Stuff that we want nothing to do with. We're not videotaping ourselves getting kicked in the nards for YouTube. We don't have a blog. There is no JONJ Podcast coming either. And we're certainly not on Facebook. We could give lots of excuses for this: We're too busy writing hilarious, well reasoned Jew-posts. We have, y'know, wives, children, lives, football games that are more deserving of our attention. We just hate people, and a program designed to introduce us to more people sounds like infernal torture. These are all good excuses. But that's all they are. Because we know the truth. It's because we're old.","Jew","Jonathan Abrams| Sergey Brin and Larry Page| Jesse Eisenberg| Elon Musk| Eduardo Saverin"
370,"Henry Winkler",10,4,2,4,"There are a lot of statues in the United States. We like to honor our heroes. In Washington, DC, you can't walk five minutes without hitting someone's stationary likeness. We even have a monument prominently displayed on our currency. Yet for all the good Jews have done to America throughout the years, it's pretty impossible to find a likeness of one of them. There is the new Albert Einstein memorial in DC, and... ummmm... yeah, we have nothing. We had nothing, that is. Because this year, the good citizens of Milwaukee put up a statue of The Fonz, Arthur Fonzarelli, from TV's ""Happy Days"". And while the character was Italian, the actor who played him, Henry Winkler, is in fact a Jew. So Einstein and the Fonz, that's a good start. But where do we go next? William Shatner as Captain Kirk? We might have to research Canadian Jewish statues for that one...","Jew","Albert Einstein| Arthur Fonzarelli| Heinrich Heine| William Shatner| Oscar Straus"
371,"Al Franken",11,4,4,3,"So, the election is today. You might have heard. But Americans are not just picking a president; a third of the Senate is up for grabs as well. Currently, there are 13 Jews in the Senate. Only three are up for election: Carl Levin of Michigan, who should have no trouble dispatching his opponent, New Jersey's ancient Frank Lautenberg, expected to dismantle a fellow Jew, Dick Zimmer, and Norm Coleman of Minnesota, who is facing off against a political neophyte, comedian and talk show host. So it should be a slam dunk for Coleman, right? Not so fast: his opponent is the erudite Al Franken. Early polls showed Coleman with the lead, late polls flipped over to Franken, and it's anyone guess who will be declared the winner. But whatever happens, you can be assured of one thing: the number of Jews the Senate is not decreasing. And that's... okay.","Jew","Frank Lautenberg| Rachel Maddow| Lorne Michaels| Bernie Sanders| Paul Wellstone"
372,"Michael Caine",7,1,2,4,"Our grandparents spoke fluent Yiddish to each other. Our parents could understand it. We know a few words. Our children... we doubt it. Yiddish is certainly a dying language. Sure, we have Hebrew, but it just can't match Yiddish's grotesque beauty. Schmendrik. Schmaltz. Schnorrer. Schmutz. Of course, speaking Yiddish doesn't make one Jewish. Take two-time Oscar-winning British actor Sir Michael Caine. Grew up in a Jewish neighborhood. Fluent in Yiddish. Yet, not a Jew. Well, at least he could tell grandpa to pass the gefilte fish.","Not a Jew","Alan Arkin| John Houseman| Martin Landau| Walter Matthau| Jon Voight"
373,"Cary Grant",8,1,2,5,"Was Cary Grant Jewish? If ONLY the answer was simple... Theory #1: Grant's mother, Elsie Kingdom, wasn't his birth mother. His real mother, a seamstress named Lilian that worked with his father, was possibly Jewish. Theory #2: Grant refused a role in the film ""Gentleman's Agreement"", about a gentile trying to pass for a Jew, because he was Jewish, or thought he looked Jewish. Theory #3: Grant's father, Elias Leach, was partly Jewish. Theory #4: Grant donated money to Israel in the name of his ""dead Jewish mother"". Theory #5: Grant, who was born in England, was circumcised at birth, an uncommon practice for non-Jews at the time. In other words, Cary Grant is perhaps, maybe, could be, probably a Jew. But until there's real proof, all we can say is:","Sadly, Not a Jew","Dyan Cannon| Kirk Douglas| Rita Hayworth| Audrey Hepburn| Leslie Howard"
374,"Duffman",6,3,2,1,"We used to love ""The Simpsons"". A day didn't pass without us quoting Homer, in context or not. On Sundays, we impatiently waited for a new brilliant episode. Not anymore. Our quotes are now resigned to 14-year-old episodes. On Sundays, we turn ""The Simpsons"" on if there is nothing else to watch. Beloved characters turned into grotesque caricatures of themselves. The show can no longer match its prior brilliance. What happened? Duffman happened. You know Duffman? A peripheral character at first, he started getting his own lines. And his back story. And then, three years after we joked that ""The Simpsons"" would jump the shark after Duffman got his own episode... he got his own episode. No, it's not entirely his fault, far from it, but it seems the show's decline matches up with Duffman's rise. In fact, if you see him appear, you can rest assured that the episode you're watching is dreck dressed up like a classic. Oh, and he is Jewish. Whatever.","Sadly, a Jew","Hank Azaria| Kang and Kodos| Krusty the Clown| Helen Lovejoy| Artie Ziff"
375,"Tina Fey",6,0,2,4,"You might have heard. The McCain-Palin ticket lost the election. Got whooped, actually. Shellacked. Destroyed. But we're not worried about John McCain. He'll do fine. And we're not worried about Sarah Palin. She has a long career ahead of her. We're worried about Tina Fey. Everything peaked for her this year: Emmy Award for Best Comedy. Emmy Award for Best Actress. And countless raves about her portrayal of Palin on ""Saturday Night Live"". How is she gonna live up to that? ""30 Rock"" has no place to go but down. And how could she ever top the Palin impression? Especially with Sarah out of the spotlight. If only she could stay relevant for a little bit longer... But then we thought, why should we worry about Tina Fey? She's Greek Orthodox, not Jewish.","Not a Jew","Rachel Dratch| Jimmy Fallon| Sarah Palin| Gilda Radner| Maya Rudolph"
376,"Isaac Newton",5,0,1,4,"Isaac Newton was not Jewish. Clearly. However, there are some connections: he knew Hebrew, was very well versed in Jewish history, and considered Christianity a derivative of Judaism. So, we'll just slap a verdict here and go back to writing about Duffman... One minor problem. Should we say ""Not a Jew"", or ""Sadly, Not a Jew""? Yes, questions like these keep us awake at night. On one hand, gravity, laws of motion, the reflecting telescope, one of the smartest men ever, etc, etc, etc. Sounds like a lock for ""Sadly"". On the other hand, calculus. Thanks for that invention, Sir Isaac. We were forced to take three semesters of calculus in college. Those long nights struggling with double and triple integrals are not easily forgotten. Or forgiven. And when, in our last calculus class ever, the professor told us that everything we'd worked so hard to learn was not only essentially useless but could be better done by computers, well...","Not a Jew","Duffman| Albert Einstein| Leonhard Euler| Heinrich Hertz| William Shakespeare"
377,"Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker",14,5,5,4,"Are you a David, a Jim, or a Jerry? Find out by taking our short quiz: Are you obsessed with Davy Crockett? Yes NoDo you practice nepotism at your job? Yes NoDo you believe in ghosts? Yes NoWas George W. Bush a great president? Yes NoDo you like movies about gladiators? Yes No function loadPic { setImage('zaz/zaz'+(x+1)); } function getRadio(r) { for (i=0;i<r.length;i++) if (r[i].checked) return r[i].value; return null; } function process() { f = document.zf; v1 = getRadio(f.q1); v2 = getRadio(f.q2); v3 = getRadio(f.q3); v4 = getRadio(f.q4); v5 = getRadio(f.q5); if (v1==null || v2==null || v3==null || v4==null || v5==null) { alert(""Please answer all questions""); return; } d = document.getElementById(""result""); who = new Array(""David Zucker"", ""Jim Abrahams"", ""Jerry Zucker""); c = new Array(0, 0, 0, 0); if (v1 == 1) { c[0] += 5; c[2] += 1; } if (v2 == 1) { c[0] += 4; c[2] += 4; } if (v2 == 0) { c[1] += 5; } if (v3 == 1) { c[2] += 3; } if (v4 == 1) { c[0] += 10; } if (v4 == 0) { c[0]|= 2; } q = 0; if (c[1] > c[0]) q = 1; if (c[2] > c[1] && c[2] > c[0]) q = 2; txt = ""You are ""+ who[q] + ""!""; d.innerHTML = txt; loadPic(q); }","Jew","Jerry Haleva| Val Kilmer| Charlie Sheen| The Three Stooges| Weird Al Yankovic"
378,"Frances McDormand",5,1,0,4,"As you might know by now, we often embark on Jew-related quests for this website. Not all of these are publicized; let's just say that our quest to find a Jewish Aboriginal has hit a dead end. We're still hopeful, however. And we're more than hopeful in finding a Scottish Jew; more specifically, a Jew with a ""Mc"" or a ""Mac"" as the prefix in their last name. It seems unlikely, but with interfaith marriages, conversions, and the scary similarities between haggis and kishkes, does not seem impossible. So we started our search with the actress Frances McDormand, who is married to director Joel Coen of the Coen Brothers. It seems rather plausible that, after being embraced by such a Jewish clan, she might have shed her goyishe ways and swapped bannock and cranachan for matzah and kugel. But no. Frances did not convert. She still belongs to a religion called ""Disciples of Christ"". Don't ask us what that is, we have no idea either. So we struck out with McDormand. Just as well; how much fun would it be if our quest ended in the first place we looked?","Not a Jew","Joel and Ethan Coen| Ali MacGraw| Danny McBride| Stella McCartney| Bruce McGill"
379,"Kyle Broflovski",13,4,5,4,"Perhaps we looked in the wrong place for a memorable Jewish fictional character. We plowed through the classics. We skimmed through the contemporaries. Shylock, Fagin, Bloom. Greedy, evil, boring. Bleh, bleh, bleh. Who knew that cartoons were the answer? For it doesn't get more memorable and more Jewish than Kyle Broflovski from ""South Park"". The only Jewish kid in town. When his friends fall for ""The Passion of the Christ"", who is the voice of conscience? Kyle. When evil Eric Cartman makes fun of Jews, who stands up to him? Kyle. When Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo visits, who does he talk to? Kyle. And Kyle has that patented Jew angst down, constantly questioning the validity of his beliefs. He even resents his Jewfro, forever hidden under his winter hat. But Kyle always comes around. He has to. He is the only Jewish kid in town.","Jew","Leopold Bloom| Fagin| Dr. Katz| Shylock| Matt Stone"
380,"Joey Ramone",11,4,3,4,"It's that time again, boys and girls: Sing along with JONJ! Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go I wanna be bar mitzvah'd Gonna be an adult follow all the law-aw-aws I wanna be bar mitzvah'd Just get me to the temple put me on the bimah Hurry hurry hurry put on my kipah Teach me my haftorah Teach me the shima Oh oh oh oh oh oh Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go I wanna be bar mitzvah'd Gonna be an adult follow all the law-aw-aws I wanna be bar mitzvah'd Let Ida light the candles give Herschel aliyah Hurry hurry hurry put on my kipah Want to join a minyan it's such a mitzvah. Oh oh oh oh oh oh Ba-bar-bar-bar ba-bar-bar-bar-bar I wanna be bar mitzvah'd Ba-bar-bar-bar ba-bar-bar-bar-bar I wanna be bar mitzvah'd Ba-bar-bar-bar ba-bar-bar-bar-bar I wanna be bar mitzvah'd Ba-bar-bar-bar ba-bar-bar-bar-bar I wanna be bar mitzvah'd","Jew","Richard Hell| Mick Jones| Iggy Pop| Lou Reed| Joe Strummer"
381,"Bill Bernbach",13,5,4,4,"There's not a lot of great TV out there. We like The Office and Survivor. Family Guy's usually solid. If Lost ever comes back on the air, that's a good time, too. But there's one show that stands way above the rest: Mad Men, the wonderful program on AMC about an advertising agency in the 1960s. There's really no way to describe Mad Men except to say that it's amazing. Which you know if you've seen it. And if you haven't seen it, well, you need to go watch it. Go get the Season 1 DVD right now. It's cool. We can wait. Frankly, if you're not into Mad Men, we don't really want you reading our site, anyway. There's really only one problem with Mad Men: Jews. There aren't any. What the hell? If there's an industry full of Jews that isn't banking or comedy or dentistry or comics, then it's advertising. Take ad bad boy Bill Bernbach. Back in those same 1960's ol' Bill was revolutionizing the industry. Taking it from the garish and insulting ads of the 1950s to the hip, creative, inspiring work that's survived to this day (""Think small"" to name one). Oh sure, Mad Men mentioned him back in Season 1, but the father of modern advertising deserves more than just a shout out. Because, let's face it, there are going to be ads during our favorite shows. And we can't imagine how much more unwatchable they'd be if it wasn't for Bill Bernbach.","Jew","Edward Bernays| Don Draper| Jon Hamm| Matthew Weiner| George Weissman"
382,"Jill St. John",8,4,1,3,"Saints come in many forms. There are your traditional saints, your Saint Peters and Saint Pauls. Then there are some modern saints, like Mother Teresa. And then there saints of a different kind altogether, like hockey player Martin St. Louis, the New Orleans Saints of the NFL, and St. Bernards, the wonderful rescue dogs of the Swiss Alps. None of those saints are Jewish. But actress Jill St. John, one-time Batman villainess, Bond Girl and girlfriend of Frank Sinatra, Sean Connery, and Henry Kissinger, is. She was born Jill Oppenheim, but changed her name to something distinctly less Jewish. Well, at least she didn't go with Jill St. Christian or Jill St. Cross. Saint Nicholas, AKA Santa Claus? Don't get us started.","Jew","Barbara Bach| Henry Kissinger| Saint Peter| Jane Seymour| Frank Sinatra"
383,"Lawrence Frank",11,4,4,3,"Lawrence Frank loves basketball. Sadly, he was never much of a player. When Frank failed to make his high school team, he wanted to stay close to the game, and begged the coach to make him a ""coach trainee"". When he couldn't get a whiff at the University of Indiana, he became the team's manager. And the NBA? You think that a short, white, goofy-looking, ginger-headed Jewish kid had a chance in the NBA? It turns out, he did. For in 2004, the short, white, goofy-looking, ginger-headed Jewish kid became the youngest head coach in the NBA when he took over the New Jersey Nets at the age of 33. Holding the ""interim"" tag next to his title, he promptly racked off 13 straight wins, got the full-time gig, and held it since. What's that Woody Allen quote? Those who can't do, teach, and those who can't teach, teach gym?","Jew","Woody Allen| Larry Brown| Mikhail Prokhorov| Ron Rothstein| Roy Rubin"
384,"Robert Novak",5,4,1,0,"Usually, when we lose a Jew to another religion, we don't make a fuss. They want to leave? They want to find answers elsewhere? Fine. And we're definitely not making a fuss about the departure of journalist Robert Novak. Born a Jew, he converted to Catholicism in the 80s. In fact, with Novak, we're more than glad to be rid of him. Why? Well, let us count the ways... His alleged role in the the Orlando Letelier assassination. His outright hatred of Israel. Even without those other transgressions, his outing of CIA operative Valerie Plame would be reason enough. So enjoy Catholicism, douchebag. Good fucking riddance.","Barely a Jew","Glenn Beck| William Cohen| Scooter Libby| Robert Moses| Valerie Plame"
385,"Rachel Weisz",12,4,4,4,"For those of you who are too lazy to click on the ""About the Jew Score"" link to the left, there are three components: I, O, and K. Of those, the I is usually the easiest to figure out. I stands for ""internal"", or, in most cases, how Jewish someone is by birth. So it's just a matter of doing a little research and then assigning the appropriate score. Today we're working on the I Score for Oscar-winning actress Rachel Weisz. She is not much help here; in some interviews, she identifies herself as Jewish. In another, she makes a point that only her father is. And yes, Rachel's father is definitely Jewish. So she's at least a 3, because that's, y'know, half. But can she go higher? For that, we need to figure out Rachel's mother. And she is half Jewish, half Austrian-Italian Catholic, making Rachel 3/4 Jewish by birth. So if half Jews by birth get an I Score of 3, and full Jews get sometimes a 4, sometimes a 5, what do 3/4 Jews get? Why, oh why, did we start to take this website seriously?","Jew","Darren Aronofsky| Helena Bonham Carter| Jennifer Connelly| Daniel Craig| Sam Mendes"
386,"Weird Al Yankovic",8,0,4,4,"There are actually a lot of Jewich rockers out there. Some are cooler than others, but they've all been considered successful at some point in their careers and they're all Jews. Some are cool, like Gene Simmons, Joey Ramone, or the Beastie Boys. Others had peaks, but fell from grace, like David Lee Roth. Most seem to not be observant, or even openly Jewish. Certainly they wouldn't do something like sing about rabbis or use Yiddish lyrics. Y'know who would? ""Weird Al"" Yankovic, parodist of everyone from rockers to rappers. Player of polkas. Discoverer of Michael Richards And no, he may not be the coolest guy around (and rumor has it, his die hard fans are even worse). But we're not ashamed to say we've enjoyed his work. Heck, his success has outlasted a lot of other so-called musicians we've profiled. There's just one problem: (ohhhhh, you peeked!)","Not a Jew","Tom Lehrer| Joey Ramone| Michael Richards| Allan Sherman| Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker"
387,"Henry Heimlich",13,4,4,5,"The Adventures of Aaron SchtikmanEpisode 1: The Chokening Please wait... cap = new Array; interval = 6000; k = 0; p = document.getElementById(""pic""); t = document.getElementById(""txt""); setTimeout('swap()', interval); function swap() { k++; if (k > 6) return; p.src = 'img/other/hh/heimlich'+k+'.gif'; txt.innerHTML = cap[k-1]; setTimeout('swap()', interval); }","Jew","Robert Atkins| Chic Hecht| Sheldon Kaplan| Peter Safar| Paul Zoll"
388,"Jack the Ripper",3,1,2,0,"Moishe the Ripper? That's right, 120 years after the grisly murders| between bites of bagel and in-depth research on Corey Haim — we at JONJ have solved this historic crime. For you see, if you look at the angle of the cuts on the second victim, it becomes increasingly clear that... Oh who are we kidding? Jack the Ripper's true identity will forever be lost to history along with the recipe for Greek Fire and Steve Guttenberg's popularity. Discussing his potential Judaism is like discussing the Judaism of a shadow. We might as well argue whether or not G-d is Jewish. Wait, we already did that? Oh well. In any case — before all this rambling leads us down a dark, dingy London alley — a few of the Ripper suspects were Jews: Kosminski the hairdresser, Pizer the bootmaker, and a few others. None of them sound particularly likely. For the most part — excepting Kosminski who was clearly insane — the only profile these poor landsman fit was that of a foreigner with an unpopular religion: an easy target in late 1800s England. But all of this is just so much filler, really. Here's the short version. No one knows who Jack the Ripper was. No one will know. So we can say for certain that Jack the Ripper wasn't Jewish because, well, good luck proving us wrong. Besides, we know the real secret. Jack the Ripper was none other than... Corey Haim! Wait, no, that's not right... (Editor's update, September 7, 2014: Yes, we are aware of recent DNA ""evidence"". Please click on the Kosminski link below.)","Not a Jew","David Berkowitz| G-d| Corey Haim| Aaron Kosminski| Joel Rifkin"
389,"Joseph Brodsky",14,5,4,5,"We don't like to give out the perfect 5/5/5 score here on JONJ too often. Not that there aren't many deserving candidates, but we like to keep the club exclusive. So more often than not, even if someone might be deserving of a 15, we knock them down to a 14. It's our website after all. We make the rules. So here we have Joseph Brodsky. Russian dissident. American Poet Laureate. Nobel Prize Laureate in Literature in 1987. And clearly, obviously Jewish; when asked, ""Who are you, an American or a Russian?"", he answered: ""I am Jewish| a Russian poet and an English essayist."" So how can we not give out the perfect score here? You see, Brodsky was buried in an Episcopalian cemetery. He might have been 15/15 in life... In death, 14/15 is the best we can do.","Jew","Vasily Aksyonov| Sergei Dovlatov| Vladimir Nabokov| Alexander Pushkin| Vladimir Vysotsky"
390,"Eli Manning",5,0,1,4,"Here's something we don't get. How come the goyim use Jewish names? It's not like Jewish names are particularly attractive. Or sound nice. Yechiel. Tzvi. Harel. Morduchai. Belch. No, that's not a real one, but the fact that it fits right in should tell you something. There are so many nice goyishe names out there. Thomas. Peter. Stewart. Peyton. Sven. Why even encroach on Jewish ones? Sigh. What can we do? It looks like we've lost Eli. Oh well. At least we still got Isaac and Herschel. What's that? Isaac Bruce and Herschel Walker? Damnation. Barak, anyone?","Sadly, Not a Jew","Benny Friedman| Mark Herzlich| Peyton Manning| Harry Newman| Sage Rosenfels"
391,"Broncho Billy Anderson",10,4,2,4,"Howdy, landsmen! Unless you're Frank Lautenberg, you're probably too young to remember Broncho Billy, the first movie cowboy. So, real quick: back before the talkies, young Max Aronson abandoned his rabbinical heritage to become Gilbert Maxwell Anderson and headed out to Niles, California. There, he directed, produced, and starred in some of the first ever Westerns. As Broncho Billy, Anderson fought the good fight in 400 films from 1907 to 1918, discovered Charlie Chaplin and set the archetype for cowboy cinema along the way. Now there's an ancestor all those goyishe cowboys| your Eastwoods and Waynes — could never have expected. Though we can't see why. After all, what's so un-Jewish about being a cowboy? They rope cows, not pigs. Long nights under the stars are great for study of Torah. And a Stetson covers the head better than any yarmulke could. Seriously, if we can have gay cowboys, why not Jewish ones?","Jew","Charlie Chaplin| Jake Gyllenhaal| Frank Lautenberg| Heath Ledger| Eli Wallach"
392,"Mike Jacobs",5,0,3,2,"Baseball teams are always looking for inventive ways to bring in fans. One new idea is to have something called ""Jewish Heritage Day"". You serve kosher hot dogs, sing ""Take Me Out to the Ballgame"" in Yiddish, and celebrate the Jewish player on your team with a pre-game ceremony and free t-shirts for the fans. The Mets have done it for a few years, and it's a good time. Not sure how many Jews actually come out for it, but it's not the worst idea they've ever had (that idea being, of course, starting that woeful franchise in the first place. But we digress). Other franchises could certainly follow suit. Though not all: Minnesota, for instance, will just have to be content with Slightly-Less-Pale-Than-Everyone-Else Heritage Day. But if you do have a Jewish fan base and want to host your own Jewish Heritage Day, we have one piece of advice. Before you print up all those t-shirts, make the signs, and prepare a big ceremony, you're going to want to make sure the player you're celebrating is actually Jewish. Otherwise you're just gonna look stupid. Right, Florida?","Not a Jew","Kris Bryant| Rod Carew| David Eckstein| Trevor Rosenthal| Frank Thomas"
393,"Elizabeth Banks",9,2,3,4,"OK, goyim, you got us. There is a worldwide Jewish conspiracy. But it has nothing to do with the eight richest men on Earth sitting in a bunker underneath Switzerland, plotting world domination. No, the worldwide Jewish conspiracy has only one goal: to capture your beautiful women and make them one of us. You see, us Jews are not allowed to preach our religion to anyone. Even to our potential spouse. They have to decide for themselves whether to take the plunge. Yet here they are| from the stunning Marilyn Monroe to the gorgeous Elizabeth Banks — trading their Matthews for Moishes. Can we explain it? No. Will we still be taking advantage of it? Oh, HELL yeah. Best. Conspiracy. Ever.","Jew","Drew Barrymore| Isla Fisher| Leslie Mann| Marilyn Monroe| Elizabeth Taylor"
394,"Moses Alexander",12,5,3,4,"What was the first state to elect a practicing Jew as its governor? New York would be a good guess. Lots of Jews live there. What about Florida? That's Jew Heaven for some. Maybe Rhode Island? They built the first American synagogue there. Or New Jersey? Alaska? That's a maverick state that could go in such an unorthodox direction? No, no, no, no, and no. Would you believe Idaho? Yes, Idaho. The land of potatoes. And here we thought the next Jew to call Idaho home would be the first. Interestingly, the man in question, Moses Alexander, had no plans to stay in Idaho. He was en route to Alaska, stopped in Boise, opened a clothing store, built a synagogue, was elected mayor, and then became governor in 1915. The first and last Jewish governor of Idaho, we're willing to bet.","Jew","Simon Bamberger| Washington Bartlett| Ernest Gruening| Edward Salomon| David Levy Yulee"
395,"Paul Krugman",13,4,4,5,"We find it pretty ironic that with the US economy in the doldrums, this year's Nobel Prize in Economics went to American Paul Krugman. But since Paul is Jewish, was recently named one of the foremost global intellectuals, and had nothing to do with the economy's collapse, who are we to argue with the all-knowing Nobel Committee? Now, if the prize went to Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, then we'd had a major problem. Even though Bernanke is also a Jew. Who says we can't be fair... sometimes?","Jew","Ben Bernanke| Milton Friedman| Leonid Kantorovich| David Ricardo| Paul Samuelson"
396,"Ruben Amaro Jr.",8,3,2,3,"We're not big Phillies fans here at JONJ. We rooted for them in the 2008 World Series, more out of a sense of pity than anything else. Plus Chase Utley's cool. So there's that. We do tend to like smart baseball teams, though we'd be hard put to describe the Phillies as one of those. However we may have something to celebrate soon since Ruben Amaro Jr.| Philadelphia's new General Manager following the retirement of Pat Gillick — has already been anointed as one of the great, young baseball minds by the many circles that surround the game. Whether or not that is the really case, well, we'll soon find out. If Amaro gives 1B Ryan Howard a multi-year, multi-millions contract then there's our answer and we can look forward to another 28 years of misery in the City of Brotherly Love. So what are we big fans of? Why, Jews, of course! And somehow we've got at least half of one here. Now that's the kind of unexpected surprise we're happy to stand up and cheer for.","Jew","Brian Cashman| Lenny Dykstra| Theo Epstein| Freddie Prinze Jr.| Antonio Sabato Jr."
397,"Jane Seymour",8,3,2,3,"The year is 1536. King Henry VIII of England, convinced that Anne Boleyn will not bear him a son, hatches a plan to get rid of her and marry another. Ten days after Anne is executed, Henry marries his mistress, Jane Seymour. The king has hope for an heir. His kingdom has a new queen. The lovely Jane, born in London as Joyce Penelope Wilhelmina Frankenberg, daughter of an English Jew and his Dutch wife... What? Wrong Jane Seymour? The partly Jewish one is not the former queen, but rather a former Bond girl? Well, we'd be... The year is 1993. It's Saturday night, and millions of Americans are glued to their television sets. They're watching a little show called ""Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman""...","Borderline Jew","Gemma Arterton| Barbara Bach| Pussy Galore| Kate Middleton| Jill St. John"
398,"Rupert Murdoch",5,1,1,3,"There are many, many prominent Australian Jews. Let's do a little rundown. Actress Isla Fisher. That's a good one. Table tennis player David Zalcberg. Two-time Olympian. And... ummmm. Hmmmm. Australian Jews.... Hmmmm. Give us a minute here. Billionaire mogul Rubert Murdoch, maybe? Well, it depends on who you believe. According to some out there, Rubert's great-great-grandmother, Caroline Jemima Sherson, was Jewish. But considering that research found that the young Jemima was baptized before she was one year old, we highly doubt those first-mentioned sources. Of course, it's possible that Jemima's parents were Jewish and converted, but this puts us in the 1700s. So even if there is that Jewish link, it's long been dissipated. So.... Australian Jews. Anyone heard of astronomer Bryan Gaensler? Author Elliot Perlman? Painter Judy Cassab? Many prominent Australian Jews indeed.","Not a Jew","Isla Fisher| William Fox| John Monash| Paul Reuter| David Zalcberg"
399,"Amedeo Modigliani",12,4,3,5,"If you look up ""artistic genius"" in an encyclopedia, you just might see the picture of Amedeo Modigliani. In life: unappreciated, only had one exhibition, workaholic, Bohemian lifestyle, destroyed own work, no money, torrid love affairs, alcoholic, traded paintings for food, drug addict, dead in his 30s. In death: considered one of the greatest modern artists, subject of multiple books and films, paintings are worth millions. Yep, your prototypical artistic genius. Well, except for one thing. Yep, you guessed it.","Jew","Marc Chagall| Elmyr de Hory| Jacques Lipchitz| Man Ray| Chaim Soutine"
400,"Marx Brothers",15,5,5,5,"It was just Thanksgiving here in the good ol' US of A. And that means family time. Parents, siblings, aunts and uncles. Distant cousins. Forgotten, long lost relations. Basically a whole smorgasbord of people who for some reason or another insist on commenting on how OLD we've gotten in the past year, decade, millennium... whatever. And don't get us wrong, we love our families. Love seeing them. But we like small doses. We can't imagine spending months upon end, day after day in their company. Let alone building our whole careers around them. Which, as you've probably guessed by now, is exactly what the Marx Brothers chose to do. Just looking at their work makes it clear that they were always a bit goofy, but choosing to spend THAT much time with family suggests a heretofore undocumented level of insanity. Oh sure, it clearly worked out for the best. All-time great movies. Critically acclaimed performances. Considered some of the greatest comics of all time. Plus they're the 400th Jew or Not Jew profile. You just can't argue with success like that. Hmmmm, maybe it's time to see if Uncle Pincus has some free time to work on the site?","Jew","Bugs Bunny| Charlie Chaplin| Al Jolson| The Three Stooges| Warner Bros"
401,"Paul Rudd",12,5,3,4,"Most Jews, just by the nature of the transatlantic flight, end up settling in the Northeast. New York, New Jersey, Boston, even Montreal. But, as with all peoples, this is just a starting point. Most of us tend to migrate South as the call of New Israel becomes louder with each additional liver spot we grow. North and East are not really options. Simple geography sort of limits the possibilities there. That leaves West, and there's many a Jew who sets out to make their fortune in Los Angeles or San Francisco. A less common destination, however, would have to be Kansas, which is where Paul Rudd's parents headed for after he was born in Passaic, New Jersey. Kansas?! It's the land of corn and cows, not rabbis and rugelach. What would posses a Jewish person to go there? Even on vacation, let alone to make a permanent residence. Whatever the reason, perhaps it was for the best. After all, Paul Rudd is one of our favorite funny actors; someone getting awfully close to that ""I must see this because he is in it"" status. And if any of that talent comes anywhere from his Kansan upbringing, well, we can certainly approve of that. From a distance, anyway.","Jew","Judd Apatow| Will Ferrell| Seth Rogen| Jason Segel| Michael Showalter"
402,"Pink",10,3,3,4,"So, Pink is Halachically Jewish. It's not that obvious, sure, but after 400 profiles, it's not that surprising either. What is surprising, however, is Pink coming to the defense of Mel Gibson. ""Alcohol makes you do crazy things,"" Pink said. ""I'm a fan of his work."" Really, Pink? Really? A fan of his work? What work would that be? Sure, ""Lethal Weapon"" was pretty cool, but that was 20 years ago, and he played a lunatic, not much of a stretch. What has he done since then? ""Braveheart""? Overrated. ""The Patriot""? Lame. ""Signs""? Preachy. ""What Women Want""? Well, we didn't see that one, but come on. ""What Women Want"". Starring Mel Gibson. How could that be watchable? Whatever it is, just don't tell us it's ""The Passion of the Christ"" that Pink is a fan of. If that's the case, then her verdict will be switched to ""Sadly, a Jew"" immediately... At least until we get the power to excommunicate.","Jew","Christina Aguilera| Lady Gaga| Mel Gibson| Prince| Taylor Swift"
403,"Valerie Plame",5,2,1,2,"Ah, the Uncategorized category. A hodgepodge from every walk of life. Magicians. Chess players. Astronauts. A competitive eater. Supreme Court Justices. Monica Lewinsky. And... spies. That's right, spies. We started with the turncoat Rosenbergs, but then profiled British super-agent Sidney Reilly, and are now adding American super-agent Valerie Plame, she of the CIA leak scandal. Plame, a great-granddaughter of a rabbi, did not find out about her Jewish roots until later in her life. We guess Valerie's family was as good at keeping secrets as she herself was. So, to all the Jewish spies out there, our email is at the bottom of this page. We promise your secret is safe with us... we just need a couple of other names to give spies their own category and rescue them from Uncategorized.","Barely a Jew","Vera Atkins| Christine Granville| Scooter Libby| Robert Novak| Sidney Reilly"
404,"Tori Spelling",8,4,3,1,"Sometimes things are slow here at JONJ Headquarters. After we're done writing profiles, answering reader mail, baking kugel and bickering over scores, there just isn't much else to do. When that happens, we'll try to do other things. But usually it comes right back to who might or might not be Jewish. For, as our team of psychiatrists often tells us, we're a little obsessed. So we're talking about television producers for some reason or another. And someone points out that Aaron Spelling| creator/producer of Charlie's Angels, The Love Boat, and Beverly Hills 90210, among a host of other somewhat crappy, yet somehow watchable programs — was Jewish. Nice. Not thrilling. But nice. Something for the queue, certainly. But then we realized something far more disturbing: If Aaron Spelling was Jewish, then his daughter Tori Spelling, best known as the unbearable Donna on the aforementioned 90210, must also be Jewish. See, now that's... Y'know what? That's completely predictable. Of course, on a show full of Jennie Garths and Tiffany-Amber Thiessens, the unattractive, untalented one would be Jewish. And if that wasn't bad enough, for those too old or too traumatized to remember, Tori also played the nerdy girl on Saved by the Bell who was too dorky for even Screech. Too dorky for Screech?! See the horrors that boredom drives us to?","Sadly, a Jew","Elizabeth Berkley| Screech Powers| Meryl Streep| Ian Ziering| Andrea Zuckerman"
405,"Julia Louis-Dreyfus",9,2,3,4,"Dear Miss Louis-Dreyfus, It's Jew or Not Jew. The plucky website that researches whether people are Jewish are not. Writing to you once again. You see, we always thought you were Jewish. After all, your father is Jewish billionaire Gerard Louis-Dreyfus. You are even related to the unfairly scapegoated Jew Alfred Dreyfus of the Dreyfus Affair. We figured out that your mother is not Jewish. She is a mixture of Pennsylvania Dutch and Anglo stock. But even with that, we held out hope. We dismissed reports of you wearing a cross, and of the radio interview in which you supposedly claimed that you were not Jewish... We didn't see the photos. We didn't listen to the interview. We were gonna give you the benefit of the doubt, Miss Louis-Dreyfus. And... well, we can't anymore. For right there, in the opening seconds of a public service ad for American Jewish World Service, you say, ""I am not Jewish."" We're crestfallen, Miss Louis-Dreyfus. Could you perhaps reconsider? We even bought the full DVD set of ""The New Adventures of Old Christine"". Just because of you. Heck, we might even watch it one day. Still holding out hope, Jew or Not Jew","Barely a Jew","Jason Alexander| Elaine Benes| Selina Meyer| Michael Richards| Jerry Seinfeld"
406,"George Allen",6,3,1,2,"Let's say that you found out, just to throw it out there, that you were half, oh, we don't know, Belgian. Wouldn't you embrace your Belgian heritage? Read up on Belgian history? Drape your office cubicle in Belgian flags? We definitely would. And we definitely wouldn't deny it, which is what former Virginia governor George Allen did when he found out about that his mother was Jewish, but hid that fact from her family. Well, he tried to deny it at first. Then he tried it embrace it. It was all for naught. The once-rising star of the Republican Party was supposed to have been easily re-elected for his Senate seat, but instead was defeated by a huge underdog, Jim Webb. Was that because of Allen's denial and turnaround? We'd like to think so. Or maybe the voters were just tired of Republicans... Either answer is fine with us. Now excuse us, our lunch of Belgian waffles and Brussels sprouts has arrived.","Barely a Jew","Matt Bevin| Terry Branstad| Eric Cantor| Eric Greitens| Rick Perry"
407,"Monty Hall",12,5,3,4,"It's time to play... For our first deal, I'm giving you this bag of coins. It could have one coin, it could have ten coins, it could have one thousand coins. You can keep the bag, or trade it for the box that Carol is holding. And let's look in the box for your prize... It's a brand new microwave oven! Perfect for heating up that brisket for the whole family to share! Microwave oven... From Litton. You can keep the microwave oven, or trade it in for a chance to pick one of the three doors. What will it be? So, you've traded in your microwave oven for a chance at one of these doors. What would you like, Door #1, Door #2, or Door #3? Please select a door by clicking on it. last = opening; t = document.getElementById; g = document.getElementById(""ei""); function advance(x) { s = null; if (x==0) s = opening; if (x==1) s = choice; if (x==2) { s = end; txt = ""And let's look in your bag of coins... Thirty chocolate coins, perfect for Hanukkah. Only the best from Chaim's Chocolates!""; img = ""coins""; } if (x==3) s = microwave; if (x==4) s = choice2; if (x==5) { s = end; txt = ""Enjoy your microwave oven! From Litton.""; img = ""microwave""; } if (x==6) s = doors; if (x==7) { s = end; txt = ""You've selected Door #1... A trip to my home town, lovely Winnipeg, Manitoba. Winnipeg... it's warmer than you think!""; img = ""winnipeg""; } if (x==8) { s = end; txt = ""You've selected Door #2... Your very own goat! Did you know that goat meat is kosher?""; img = ""goat""; } if (x==9) { s = end; txt = ""You've selected Door #3... The modern classic living room set from Bamberger's! Hand crafted from only the finest llama hair, it comes with a couch, love seat, hutch, and that wicker coffee table that will bring the whole room together! Perfect for Shabbat dinner or even Pesach!""; img = ""room""; } if (last != null) hideDiv(last); if (s != null) showDiv(s); if (s == end) { t.innerHTML = txt + "" Thank you for playing!""; g.src = 'img/other/lmad/'+img+'.jpg'; } last = s; } function door(x) {advance(x+6); }","Jew","Chuck Barris| Jack Barry| Kitty Carlisle| Mark Goodson| Nikki Ziering"
408,"Marcia Clark",11,5,4,2,"We often try to be topical here on JONJ. When Eliot Spitzer gets caught with his pants down, here we are, telling the world that yes, he is sadly, a Jew. When Madonna divorces Guy Ritchie, we immediately start questioning the latter's devotion to Kabbalah. And there are numerous other examples. So why does this profile seems a decade too late? What's that, it's been not ten, but thirteen years? Why does the Trial of the Century seem so... last century? Does anyone still care that O.J. prosecutor Marcia Clark is not only Jewish, but was raised Orthodox? Thirteen years ago, her new hairdo sent shockwaves through the nation. Now, does anyone even remember who she is? Oh well. We don't always have to be topical. After all, we did profile Corey Feldman.","Jew","Alan Dershowitz| Corey Feldman| Guy Ritchie| Robert Shapiro| Eliot Spitzer"
409,"Maggie Gyllenhaal",11,3,4,4,"Ah, Sweden. The land of Bjorn Borg, lingonberries, Pippi Longstocking, and easy-to-assemble furniture. And, apparently, Swedenborgianism. Now, don't ask us what exactly Swedenborgianism is. It's hard enough for us to tell the difference between Baptists and Anabaptists. But, apparently it has about 30,000 members around the world. We wonder how many of them can spell ""Swedenborgianism"". Thank G-d for the handy copy-and-paste feature. Anyway, those 30,000 Swedenborgians include director Stephen Gyllenhaal, the father of Maggie and Jake Gyllenhaal. However, Maggie's mother is a Jew, which makes them half-Jewish, half-Swedenborgians. Jewdenborgians? Hmmmm.","Jew","Ingrid Bergman| Jake Gyllenhaal| Camilla Lackberg| Pippi Longstocking| Olof Palme"
410,"Mark Lenard",11,4,4,3,"Back in the original Star Trek series, there were two major Vulcan characters: Spock, played by Leonard Nimoy and Spock's father Sarek, played by (you guessed it!), Mark Lenard. Both are 100% no-doubter Jews. And it was good. The next two series to come along, Star Trek: The Next Generation and Deep Space Nine, knew better than to even try and had no major Vulcan characters. Both were excellent entries to the series. Since then, it's been all downhill. And we have a pretty good idea why. Y'see, the next series, Star Trek: Voyager introduced a new Vulcan: Tuvok, played by Tim Russ, who is not a Jew. Tuvok was OK, but the show was pretty much unwatchable. Then, came Enterprise, which was so bad even the Trekkies (or Trekkors if your tastes run both to the dorky and the hypersensitive) wouldn't watch. And, wouldn't you know it, Enterprise featured another Vulcan, this one played by Jolene Blalock, who is not Jewish, either. Sensing a trend? Our days of Star Trek fandom may have waned away along with our hairlines, but we'd still like to see a decent show on the air. So for the sake of all the nerds, can we get us a Jewish Vulcan before the series devolves even further?! On that note, in the new Star Trek movie releasing next year, Spock will be played by Zachary Quinto. Looks like we're in for another decade of misery.","Jew","Leonard Nimoy| Chris Pine| Winona Ryder| William Shatner| Brent Spiner"
411,"Rodney Dangerfield",12,5,3,4,"For the life of us, we don't understand why any Jew would want to join a country club. Jews don't play golf. Jews don't own yachts. Jews don't spent thousands of dollars a year for the privilege of eating brunch in a pristine setting. Is it to wear pastel colors in public? Unlikely. No, we can think of only one reason for Jews to join a country club: to annoy its goyishe members. So when they give you no respect, and try to ostracize you, and make you hang out with Chevy Chase, you know you have succeeded. So throw down your golf clubs, scream ""We're all gonna get laid!"", and get out of there. And don't come back for the sequel.","Jew","Lenny Bruce| Robert Klein| Jackie Mason| Harold Ramis| Don Rickles"
412,"Courtney Love",5,2,2,1,"One of the Jewish stereotypes we don't necessarily like, but will admit to, is our reputation of being... how do we put it... thrifty. And when confronted with it, we wear it like a badge of honor. So yeah, we usually go to matinees instead of catching the evening show. They just fit our schedule better. And the theaters are less crowded. And all the money we save can be used to buy popcorn. If the lines for snacks aren't too long, that is. And yeah, we keep driving that 20-year-old Oldsmobile. So the breaks fail sometimes, and the defroster doesn't work, and the trunk doesn't open. But we don't need to drive fast, the last two winters have been very mild, and who needs the trunk anyway? The backseat is spacious enough. And yeah, sometimes we'll buy knockoffs instead of the real label. So what? Like you can tell the difference between your $10,000 Rolex and our $50 Roll-Ex? The second hand sweeps differently? Whatever. We'll take that $9,950 difference straight to the bank. So we definitely wouldn't do what Courtney Love did which she was caught wearing a fake Chanel dress. She blamed her stylist, and then wrote a letter of apology. Geez, Courtney. Be honest. You did take a DNA test, which showed you're a quarter Jewish. So own up to your... sound financial planning. It might have gotten you a higher Jew Score.","Barely a Jew","Jennifer Beals| Chris Cornell| Aaron Sorkin| Amy Winehouse| D'arcy Wretzky"
413,"Julie Kavner",12,4,4,4,"We were watching a Woody Allen film recently, when an actress with a very familiar nasal voice entered the scene. ""That's Marge Simpson!"", we yelled. ""Oh, can we just watch it in peace?"", said the wife. ""It's not enough that half the time you interrupt movies by checking if actors are Jewish..."" ""Speaking of that... hold on a second,"" we said. Yep, Julie Kavner, the actress who appeared in numerous Allen films, but is mostly known for her portrayal of Marge Simpson, is Jewish. In fact, three of the six major Simpsons voice actors are: Kavner, Harry Shearer, and Hank Azaria. That second has passed, we better wrap it up quickly!","Jew","Woody Allen| Hank Azaria| Kent Brockman| James L. Brooks| Harry Shearer"
414,"Batwoman",9,4,3,2,"Comics have come a long way since the days of four colors, cardboard characters, and plots thinner than the cheap paper they were printed on. Just one look at The Dark Knight reveals how the entire genre has expanded into a multi-dimensional, multi-million-dollar milieu for deep creative expression. But some things haven't changed. Diversity, for example. Seems like part of the prerequisites for gaining powers| beyond radioactive spiders, super soldier serums and chemically-infused lightning bolts — is the kind of skin color that only a Klansman could love. To the credit of the comics companies, they have been trying to change that. DC, for example, took a bunch of their B-list characters and rebooted them as a racial rainbow: Black Firestorm! Asian Atom! Latino Blue Beetle! And, our personal favorite for obvious reasons, Jewish, lesbian Batwoman! Oy gevalt. What do all these characters have in common? Besides pandering to the lowest common denominator, they're all currently without their own books. Canceled: the cruelest curse in comics. Will they come back? Will they be reverted to their Caucasian counterparts? At this point it's tough to say and even tougher to care. Seriously, if the best we can do is this kind of paint-by-numbers tokenism, it may be time to fold up our mylar bags and find a more respectable hobby. Y'know, like cataloging fictional crime-fighting Jews.","Jew","Pussy Galore| The Penguin| Harley Quinn| Ruby Rose| Bruce Wayne"
415,"Ben and Jerry",13,4,4,5,"We're big fans of Jewish food. Matzoh brei, knish, blintzes, matzoh ball soup, latkes... Heck, we could go for a pastrami on rye right now. Mmmmmm.... pastrami on rye.... Jewish desserts on the other hand, not so much. Gelt are more foil than chocolate. Macaroons taste like they were made with sand. Rugelach, the best of a sorry bunch, are made with fig and apricot in them. Seriously, that's the best we can do? Fig cookies? So we can't blame super-chunk-super-Jew-ice-creamers Ben & Jerry for stepping out of the milieu to bring us their tasty frozen treats. What can we blame them for? How about the lack of Jewish-themed flavors? Rabbi Raisin Delight doesn't sound half bad. Or what about a frozen yogurt called No-Guilt Gelt? And who wouldn't enjoy a couple of scoops of Chocolate Chanukah Chrunch? Yeah, not so much. Instead we get cone after cone of semi-cleverly named goyishe flavors. Delicious, delicious goyishe flavors... Normally this is the point where we would threaten our fellow frozen landsmen with boycott if they don't step up to the plate, er, bowl. But it's all an empty threat. They could make Jesus' Jellybean Journey and we'd still choose it over a box of rugelach.","Jew","Baskin-Robbins| Reuben Mattus| Phish| Sara Lee| Burt Shavitz"
416,"Brooke Burke",9,3,3,3,"As previously mentioned, we're not exactly big fans of most things on television nowadays. That includes ""Dancing with the Stars"". First of all, why dancing? Why not Bowling with the Stars? Crocheting with the Stars? Taxidermy with the Stars? Dancing just seems so arbitrary. Second of all, the stars. Whoever is producing the show should put that word in quotes, for it is used very loosely. Ted McGinley? Jane Seymour? Joey Lawrence? Mario Lopez? What is this, 1990? Steve Guttenberg? Seriously, Steve Guttenberg? So yes, last year's winner, model-turned-TV host-turned-""star"" Brooke Burke is Jewish. Our hearts are not exactly swelling up with pride over that one.","Jew","Toni Braxton| Steve Guttenberg| William Levy| Josh Norman| Jane Seymour"
417,"Sarah Bernhardt",10,3,2,5,"Who is the most famous actress in the world today? Julia Roberts? Maybe, but she's been out of the limelight recently. Angelina Jolie? Quite possibly. Nicole Kidman? Perhaps; in either case, the title is disputed. But the title was not disputed in the second half of the 19th century, when France's Sarah Bernhardt was unquestionably known as the world's most famous| and greatest — actress. And, unlike the trio of current contenders to the throne, whose every move is covered from every possible angle, Bernhardt's life was shrouded in mystery and contradiction. Among the mysteries was her supposed affair with the then Prince of Wales, the future King of England, Edward VII. Among the contradictions was her origin; according to some theories, she was an American girl from Iowa, who moved to Paris and changed her name. As it turns out, the corn fields of Iowa were not in Sarah's past. Instead, her roots lie among the canals of Amsterdam, the birthplace of both her parents. Her Jewish parents. Unquestionably most famous actress in the world? Affair with the future King of England? Jewish? Eat your heart out, Julia Roberts. And Angelina Jolie. And Nicole Kidman.","Jew","Rachel Felix| Isabelle Huppert| Angelina Jolie| Adah Isaacs Menken| Simone Signoret"
418,"Lindsay Lohan",3,0,2,1,"We're a bit late with this one, but that's because we don't read tabloids or watch gossip shows. Apparently, Lidsey Lohan is now a lesbian. Apparently, she now wants to become a Jew. Oy vey. No, that's not us talking, that's Lindsay herself, responding to the rumors of her break-up from her Jewish girlfriend(?) Samantha Ronson. Oy vey. This time it was us. Seriously, Lindsay. You tried Kabbalah. You tried Scientology. You tried Alcoholics Anonymous. Do you really have to try Judaism? Oy, those meshuggenah shiksas!","Not a Jew","Lizzy Caplan| Lesley Gore| Amanda Seyfried| Britney Spears| Elizabeth Taylor"
419,"Sarah Silverman",13,4,5,4,"Sometimes we're surprised by what people don't know. We were talking with someone recently about Sarah Silverman and JAPs and they thought we meant she was Japanese. Um, no. So for those of you who are clearly not up on the lingo, JAP stands for Jewish American Princess. You know, Daddy's little girl? Real diamond earrings at age 7? Had a bat mitzvah more lavish than the coronation of an Arabian prince? Probably married to a nebbish little fellow who cowers when she does so much as glance at him? Are we ringing any bells here? Well, if you still don't know then we give up. Go watch Sarah's show (or for that matter, Spaceballs) and consider yourself lucky. Now whether Sarah is someone who knows what a JAP is and is just making fun or actually is one is another question. And unfortunately, the answer requires the kind of intimate celebrity knowledge that simply doesn't happen in our line of work. But here's hoping it's the former.","Jew","Janeane Garofalo| Ilana Glazer and Abbi Jacobson| Amy Schumer| Vanellope Von Schweetz| Frank Zappa"
420,"James Wilson",7,4,1,2,"Well, it's that time of year again. And while, for the most part, we could do without the holidays, there are some aspects we enjoy. For instance, the Christmas episodes of all our favorite shows. Not for the Christmas part, naturally. After all, we have a standing pact not to spend money on anything with the word ""Christmas"" in the title. But there is an added benefit to these not-so-subtle celebrations of Santa that always makes them worthwhile: We get to find out who's Jewish. You see, if your show has a Christmas episode, there's an unwritten rule that one random, ancillary character must be given a token Happy Hanukkah. On Sesame Street it was Mr. Hooper, the bodega owner. On ER, it was none other than Dr. Mark Green. And on House, the Christmas episode revealed that Dr. James Wilson, the oncologist, is Jewish. Wait a minute. Dr. James Wilson?! Played by none other than Robert-could-I-be-more-goyishe-Sean Leonard?! Are they out of their freaking minds? As long as we're throwing darts at the wall, why not just say the Black neurologist is Jewish. Or the pretty-boy blond Australian? Seriously, what the hell? Look, we appreciate the fact that every ensemble cast feels the need to reveal a secret Jew in order to give the appearance of equality. We even enjoy it. But if you can't do better than Robert Sean ""Whitebread"" Leonard, do us a favor: don't bother.","Jew","Lisa Edelstein| Ross and Monica Geller| The Grinch| Olivia Wilde| Cristina Yang"
421,"The Spirit",10,4,2,4,"Chances are by now you've caught a trickle of the marketing deluge for the new movie ""The Spirit."" And, unless you are of a certain fanboy flavor, you probably thought, ""who the heck is that?"" And yet we're pretty sure you know who The Spirit is. You just don't realize it. If you know who Batman is, for instance, since many aspects of the character actually originate with The Spirit. Or if you've read Michael Chabon's excellent Kavalier and Clay, which, from a comic book perspective, may as well be a fictionalized account of Spirit creator Will Eisner. Or if you've read really anything with a pulpy comic book feel. Sure he's not there by name, but certainly Denny Colt is in almost everything four-color from 1940 on in Spirit. We could go further, but we're here to write about Jews, not comics. And in that way, things are no less interesting. As noted above, The Spirit was conceived by Will Eisner, a Jew (and another great inspiration you only think you've never heard of). And while there's nothing particularly Jew-y about the name Denny Colt, Spirit's secret identity is that of a Jew, too. Eisner has implied in several interviews that Spirit was intended that way, and many of his contemporary comics creators have chimed in that they always saw The Spirit as a Jewish character. So, yeah, here's hoping the movie lives up to the marketing, because it'd be nice to have a Jewish hero that people actually know. (Editor's update: it didn't.)","Jew","The Atom| Michael Chabon| Firestorm| Scarlett Johansson| Superman"
422,"Ebenezer Scrooge",3,0,2,1,"Bah, humbug! It's Christmas. Year after year, same old Christmas. Stupid, ugly Christmas. So one would think that we would appreciate Mr. Scrooge, the one fictional character who hates Christmas as much as we do. But one would be wrong. Because as much as we hate Christmas, we hate Charles Dickens more. Maybe it was that pesky high school teacher who forced us to read ""Great Expectations"". Maybe it's the lame boredom of ""David Copperfield"". Maybe it's ""Oliver!"", the musical. Whatever the case is, we want nothing to do with Dickens. We want nothing to do with Scrooge. And there are more reasons why we can't appreciate old Ebenezer. He comes around. He learns to appreciate Christmas. And he is not a Jew. Bah, humbug indeed.","Not a Jew","Santa Claus| Fagin| The Grinch| Linda Lingle| Scrooge McDuck"
423,"Lev Landau",14,5,4,5,"We only have a few rules here at JONJ. One of them is, the day we profile ourselves is the day we shut down the site. Not that any of us are profile-worthy. But if one day we decide that we are, well, that's the best sign we've jumped the shark and it'll be time to move on. But all this ranking of others means we occasionally consider how we, ourselves might rank. Which is why we can really appreciate Lev Landau. Sure he was a first-rank physicist. And he did win the Nobel Prize in 1962. But much more interesting to us is one of his more odd affectations: ranking his fellow physicists on a scale of (drumroll) 0 to 5! Now, that's a sign of true greatness. Of course, Comrade Landau messed it up and made 0 the best and 5 the worst, but we can't expect genius from everyone, even geniuses. So Newton was a 0, Einstein a .5, Bohr a 1, and on down the line. All of that's pretty neat (JONJ: Inspired by Nobel Prize winning physicists!), but what really catches our eye is that he went ahead and ranked himself on his own scale: a 2. Isn't that just typical? Sure, as Jews, we're all a little self-deprecating (and you'd better believe that Russian Jews make the rest of the self-deprecating Jewish world look like egomaniacs). And a 2 is better than most. But still. It's your scale and you're giving yourself the numerical equivalent of a C? With self-appreciation like that, who needs self-hatred? Well you can be assured that at JONJ we know better. And when the time comes to rank ourselves we'll be more than generous. A 9 ought to cover it.","Jew","Albert Einstein| Ilya Frank| Vitaly Ginzburg| Abram Ioffe| Eugene Wigner"
424,"Zab Judah",3,1,1,1,"Jews can be black. Jews can be boxers. In fact, black Jewish boxers could theoretically be undisputed welterweight champions of the world. But there's one thing Jews can't do. Jews can't call Jesus Christ their ""lord and savior"". Once they do that, it doesn't matter if they're black, white, Eskimo, boxers, dentists, or chimney sweeps. They are not Jews.","Not a Jew","William Saunders Crowdy| Carl Froch| Cletus Seldin| Terrell Suggs| Kanye West"
425,"Eugene Levy",13,5,5,3,"One thing we like to harp on at this site is that you shouldn't believe stereotypes. Some people look as Kosher as a canned ham but turn out to have an extra helping of secret Jewish ingredients. On the other hand, we've seen many people who look so Jewish they're only a yarmulke short of being ordained a rabbi (Jason Biggs comes to mind), only to discover they're not Jewish at all. So never believe a stereotype, OK? Never. Unless it's true. Because, you see, it would be almost impossible to find someone who looks more Jewish than Eugene Levy (Depending on who you are, you know him as Biggs' father in the American Pie movies, an ensemble cast member in the Christopher Guest films, or as the man whose eyebrows consumed Cheboygan, Michigan last fall.) But don't go looking for the big AHA! revelation at the end of this profile. Eugene Levy is not half-Italian. He never converted to Buddhism, or had a nose job to look more Jewish than he really is. Eugene Levy looks Jewish because he is Jewish. Sometimes it's as simple as that.","Jew","Dory| Christopher Guest| Jim Levenstein| Gwyneth Paltrow| Johnny Rose"
426,"Jeremy Bloom",5,3,1,1,"There are no Jewish wide receivers in the NFL. Not now, not in the last 20 years. So, when Olympic mogul skier| turned college football wide receiver — Jeremy Bloom was drafted by the Eagles in 2006, we thought that we had our breakthrough. Bloom, half-Jewish, was a highly-regarded prospect. Sure, he wasn't going to be Jerry Rice, but better than nothing? Or, y'know, not. The man who once said ""compete like you're number one, but train like you're number two,"" played like number two and is now out of football after being cut by first the Eagles and then the Steelers. And that's just fine with us, since Mr. Number Two has gone ahead and made one more choke job in a career full of them (we haven't even mentioned his failure at the Olympics), throwing over his Jewish roots to become a born-again Christian. Still, no Jewish wide receivers in the NFL...","Barely a Jew","Danny Abramowicz| Molly Bloom| Greg Camarillo| Julian Edelman| Randy Grossman"
427,"Che Guevara",6,1,1,4,"Che Guevara. Doctor. Guerrilla. Author. Revolutionary. Best-selling t-shirt. Jew? No, of course not. His father was Ernesto Guevara Lynch. His mother was Celia de la Serna. His family had Spanish, Basque, and Irish roots. Nothing remotely Jewish there. All that information is easy to find out. In fact, we just did. A couple of quick Internet searches and voila! Che's life story at our fingertips. Not even a hint of Judaism. Unless you read Russian, that is. Because if you do, you might have found an anonymous Russian blog that paints a different picture of Che. A very Jewish picture, that is. Now, when we read it, we just laughed it off, and filed it under ""bad attempt at humor"" or ""yet another Russian attempt to prove that everyone is a Jew"". It's an anonymous blog. What do you expect? Well, a prominent Egyptian newspaper picked up a story and ran with it. And suddenly it was out there. Che Guevara. Jew. Oops. See, clearly it's very important to never listen to an anonymous blog. An anonymous Jew-rating website, however...","Not a Jew","Jorge Luis Borges| Fidel Castro| Rosa Luxemburg| Leon Trotsky| Pancho Villa"
428,"Kate Hudson",9,3,3,3,"We've been wanting to profile Kate Hudson for a while. She's an interesting case: quarter Jewish by birth, raised Jewish, but somehow also Buddhist... A lot of food for thought. But we decided to wait for Kate to headline a quality movie to coincide with the profile. After all, this was a girl who was nominated for an Oscar before she was old enough to drink. Hollywood royalty. An A-Lister. So we waited. And waited. Through flop after flop. Dreck like ""You, Me and Dupree"". ""Fool's Gold"". ""My Best Friend's Girl"". A-Lister? Right now, the C-List seems more appropriate. So why are we profiling Kate now? Well, we're afraid that soon she'll slip off the C-List and into obscurity...","Jew","Maggie Gyllenhaal| Anne Hathaway| Goldie Hawn| Alex Rodriguez| Alicia Silverstone"
429,"Mark Cuban",12,4,4,4,"When it comes to attention starved, inappropriate, crybaby owners in sports, there may be none worse than Mark Cuban. Time and again his face pops up on every sports news program in the country for his childish behavior. Running onto the court. Throwing tantrums. Making inflammatory comments about the players, the refs, the league, even Commissioner (and fellow Jew!) David Stern. Then come the accusations of insider trading. It just gets worse and worse as Cuban does anything and everything to feed his massive ego as part of what is clearly a cry for help from a deeply disturbed human being. What a jerk. What a loser. What an awesome, awesome Jew. Sure he's an idiot. But he's a passionate, well-meaning idiot that loves sports, loves fans, and will do anything to win a championship. With all the penny-pinching, fan-cheating owners out there, willing to do anything to make a buck except improve their team, we'll take an overgrown baby in a turtleneck running onto the court every once in a while. He can run our Dairy Queen any day.","Jew","Paul Allen| Lori Greiner| Herb Kohl| Mikhail Prokhorov| Donald Sterling"
430,"Art Shamsky",9,4,4,1,"To a certain constituency of people, former New York Mets outfielder Art Shamsky is a hero. Here's how it works. If you were living in the New York area in the late 1960s rooting for the Mets young enough to base your life around the team Jewish Then chances are, you love Art Shamsky. Sure, we're talking about a really small group in the end. But it's still not bad for a guy who had basically one good season in a career that lasted less than a decade. Of course, now that his divorce has turned ugly and all sorts of sex scandal slime is being thrown his way, it looks like poor Art Shamsky is going to lose whatever tiny fan base he has left. Oh well, maybe Marv Throneberry will turn out to be Jewish...","Sadly, a Jew","David Cone| Ike Davis| Lenny Dykstra| J. J. Putz| Fred Wilpon"
431,"Judd Apatow",12,4,4,4,"Have you heard? There is a new King of Comedy in America. No, it's not Adam Sandler or Ben Stiller. No, it's not Seth Rogen, Paul Rudd, and Jonah Hill, although that's getting closer. Thankfully, it's not Dane Cook. Ugh, that guy is just rancid. How can anyone find him even remotely funny? But we digress. No, the King of Comedy is writer/producer/director Judd Apatow. Not only has he helped fellow landsmen Rogen, Rudd, and Hill rise to prominence, but every movie he touches turns to gold. ""Anchorman"". ""The 40 Year Old Virgin"". ""Knocked Up"". ""Superbad"". ""Walk Hard"". ""Forgetting Sarah Marshall"". Even ""Talladega Nights"". That's right, we, Jews, watched ""Talladega Nights"". A movie about NASCAR. Because Judd Apatow was involved. ""Celtic Pride""? Well, we all had to start somewhere, right?","Jew","Jay Baruchel| Samm Levine| Leslie Mann| Seth Rogen| Paul Rudd"
432,"J. J. Putz",4,0,1,3,"J.J. Putz was born in Trenton, Michigan. There are not enough Jews in Trenton, Michigan for it to matter. J.J. Putz used to pitch for the Seattle Mariners. There are a few more Jews in Seattle, but still not enough. Now, J.J. Putz has been traded to the New York Mets. Here, even the Chinese know some Yiddish words. Especially THAT one. Poor, poor J.J. Putz.","Not a Jew","David Cone| Ike Davis| Max Fried| Mike Jacobs| Danny Valencia"
433,"Mandy Moore",6,2,1,3,"We like Mandy Moore. We don't necessarily like her music, or her acting... although she was decent on ""Entourage"" and deliciously evil in ""Saved!"". But... we like Mandy Moore. Let's just leave it at that. And apparently, Mandy Moore likes us. As she herself said, she likes ""good Jewish boys with a sense of humor""! Well, that's the staff of JewOrNotJew.com right there! And what's more, Mandy is part Jewish herself. Sure, she sometimes wears a cross, but she no longer considers herself Catholic or Christian... that's a start. So, in summary, Mandy seems like the perfect girl to bring home to... What's that, honey? We need to help you put the kid to bed? Oh, dear.","Barely a Jew","Zach Braff| Amanda Bynes| Lea Michele| Rachel Platten| Ashley Tisdale"
434,"Jim Rome",8,4,2,2,"Ah, the sick day| a tradition as American as bbqs, baseball and bombings. We took one a little while ago and we're still reveling in the post-daytime-TV glow. Here's our advice. Spend the morning surfing the web, but once 11 hits drop right onto the couch for the Price is Right (Drew Carey: Not a Jew). After that, your time is your own till 5:30 when Pardon the Interruption comes on followed by Simpsons, Seinfeld, Jeopardy and Family Guy (early evening lineup is approximate. Actual TV lineup may vary). Now that is an afternoon well spent! The problem is what to watch in between Carey and Kornheiser. Sometimes you can find a good movie or a House marathon (bonus points for taking a day in summer when you can usually find afternoon baseball). But chances are, around 4:30 you're gonna run out of steam and that's where things get dangerous, because you might decide to flip to ESPN early and crash right into Jim Rome. Oh, sure he's been around for a while, gets good guests, whatever. And despite the name he actually is 100% Jew. But that doesn't make him any less insufferable as he climbs up on his giant soapbox every afternoon to preen his face pubes while doing his little ""holier than thou"" dance all over the TV. No, at that point you're better off just switching off the TV and staring at the wall. Especially since if you somehow make it through Rome it gets worse: Around the Horn is next and that show has killed more people than the videotape in The Ring.","Sadly, a Jew","Chris Berman| Paul Finebaum| Jay Glazer| Mike Greenberg| Max Kellerman"
435,"Calvin Klein",11,4,3,4,"Everyone knows that Jews don't have a lot of fashion sense. And that's fine. We'll admit to it. Our mothers dressed us well into our teens. Our wives dress us now. Our nurses will dress us when we move into a nursing home. Who wants to pick out their own clothes anyway? So how come so many fashion designers are Jewish? Ralph Lauren. Donna Karan. Isaac Mizrahi. Kenneth Cole. Michael Kors. Marc Ecko. And Calvin Klein, of course. And these are just the ones we've HEARD of. We could say more, but then we'd have to understand fashion. And as we just said... we don't.","Jew","Marc Ecko| Edith Head| Ralph Lauren| Stella McCartney| Levi Strauss"
436,"Brendan Fraser",4,0,1,3,"Sometimes people tend to associate an actor with the characters they play. And you know what? That's ok. It happens. We've even done it ourselves a few times. But sometimes| sometimes — people make an assumption that is so patently ludicrous it is impossible to be believed. For instance, thinking that the uber-goy pictured to the left might be anything even close to a Jew because he played one once. Brendan freakin' Fraser? Come on. Yes, he played landsman David Greene in School Ties. But playing a Jew doesn't make you one. Brendan has also played an adventuring archaeologist, a cartoon Canadian mountie, and a caveman. And we'd believe he was any of the above before we'd believe his mummy killing, caveman defrosting, ham consuming ass was Jewish.","Not a Jew","Ben Affleck| Sandra Bullock| Cole Hauser| Pauly Shore| Rachel Weisz"
437,"Matt Lauer",7,3,2,2,"We didn't go to a diverse high school. In our class, even all the Asian kids were Christian. But, as any high school, we had our share of cliques. The jocks. The nerds. The cheerleaders. The goths. The visigoths. The choir. And they all swooned over Matt Lauer. Even some of the teachers. And the gay guys. Of course, since the school wasn't diverse, there weren't any gay guys... Officially. But we had our hunches. We had no hunch about Lauer. He seemed to be a perfect specimen of WASPy female worship. Of course, back in high school, we didn't run JONJ. We didn't try to find out whether everyone is Jewish. We had bigger problems. Like, having one of those girls look at us for a change. But why harp on about our high school years? They are long gone. And, perhaps, one of those girls who gave us the cold shoulder back then will visit JONJ and find out that the object of their affection was really half Jewish. Or maybe they won't. We honestly don't care. It's high school. We're long over it. Clearly.","Borderline Jew","Katie Couric| Kathie Lee Gifford| Bryant Gumbel| Gene Shalit| Barbara Walters"
438,"Bill Goldberg",10,5,2,3,"Yes, there really was an outwardly Jewish wrestler. And we know what you're thinking: Did he subdue his opponents by throwing money at them? Maybe halfway through the fight his lawyers would show up and litigate him to the championship? Or whatabout this| he doesn't fight at all, instead he sends his mother into the ring and she fights for him? No? Well try this on for size, smartass, because Goldberg was none of the above. Instead he won his multiple titles by kicking some serious goyishe tuchus. Now that's a stereotype we can get behind!","Jew","Lyle Alzado| Andre the Giant| Kelly Kelly| Ivan Rasputin| ''Macho Man'' Randy Savage"
439,"Joseph Heller",13,4,4,5,"The Great American Novel of the 20th Century. ""The Great Gatsby"", by F. Scott Fitzgerald. ""The Catcher in the Rye"", by J.D. Salinger. ""Catch-22"", by Joseph Heller. That's pretty much the short list. One might add Ernest Hemingway's ""The Sun Also Rises"", or our personal choice, Kurt Vonnegut's ""Slaughterhouse Five"", but you can't go wrong with the original trio. Well, we have no chance with Fitzgerald. We had Salinger, but lost him to a mixture of Scientology, Buddhism, and urine therapy. Heller, on the other hand, is all Jew. One small bone to pick with Heller, however. How come he didn't make John Yossarian Jewish? Here was his chance to finally create a memorable Jewish protagonist, and he blew it. But that's all right. Yossarian might be Armenian, but ""Catch-22"" is still an all-time classic. And we promise that when we write the Great American Novel of this Century, we'll make the protagonist Jewish. Don't think we have it in us? Just you wait.","Jew","Norman Mailer| Philip Roth| J. D. Salinger| Leon Uris| Kurt Vonnegut"
440,"David Duchovny",10,3,3,4,"There is an episode of the X-Files, a good one actually, where Mulder and Scully (Gillian Anderson: Not a Jew), visit a group of circus freaks to solve a murder mystery. At one point, Scully is talking to a suspect who says that he and his fellow freaks are a dying breed. A future of genetic engineering means we're ""all going to look like him"" and points to Duchovny. It's a funny, somewhat poignant moment. And it works. If they could print people, well, that's pretty close to what you'd get: David Duchovny| generic white American male. Now with kung-fu grip! So imagine our surprise (pleasant, really, we tend to like his work) when we looked at the back of his box and found — gasp! — made in Israel. Well, not really. But Duchovny's grandparents were Russian Jews, which, despite that Russian last name, was a surprise to us here at JONJ Headquarters. The generic white American male has Jewish blood? Now that's assimilation. The freak shakes his head at Scully, eyes welling with disdain. ""Imagine going through your whole life looking like him."" Eh, we'd find a way to live with it.","Borderline Jew","Mila Kunis| Fox Mulder| Gwyneth Paltrow| Michael Rapaport| Larry Sanders"
441,"Don Draper",6,0,2,4,"We're really into ""Mad Men"" now. It's about time. The show has been on for a couple of seasons, but we discovered its greatness only recently. So we mentioned it in the Bill Bernbach profile, and thought that that would be it for JONJ ""Mad Men"" references. Oh, how wrong we were. For, after browsing some blogs, there seemed to be a big rumor back in Season 1 that the main character, Don Draper, was secretly a Jew. Don Draper? The square-jawed, chain-smoking, hard-drinking, woman-seducing, goyish-looking dapper ad man? Jewish? Frankly, we didn't see it. And then we started questioning our own Jew-dar. We thought that we got so good at spotting Jews. Maybe two and a half years of writing for this website has caught up to us. Maybe it was so obvious that we just couldn't see it. So much for self-doubt. We didn't see any Jewishness because it's just not there. The big secret turned out to be completely different. Don Draper might not be everything he seems, but he is not a Jew. Unless that's the big reveal of Season 3.","Sadly, Not a Jew","Bill Bernbach| Alison Brie| Jon Hamm| Matthew Weiner| James Wilson"
442,"Ben Kingsley",6,2,1,3,"If you are familiar with our website, you know that we're always on the lookout for weird Jews. No, not Jews that behave weirdly, although we do have our share of those. We mean Jews of various unexpected ethnicities. Chinese Jews. Japanese Jews. Indian Jews. Eskimo Jews. Of course, there are Jews of all those ethnicities, it's just we haven't found one worthy of profiling yet. Until now. Meet Sir Ben Kingsley, English actor. That's not his real name; that's actually Krishna Bhanji. His father was an Indian Muslim who was born in Kenya His London-born mother, however, was quite possibly of Jewish decent. Aha! So, British-born, part Indian, possibly Jewish, of Kenyan roots and Muslim heritage... What a wacky hodgepodge! But it gets curiouser and curiouser. You see, Kingsley might descend from Jews and Muslims. But as for his current religion, he is a... Quaker. Wow. British-born, part Indian, possibly Jewish, of Kenyan roots and Muslim heritage, Quaker. And we just started digging. Who knows, maybe if we went back a couple of generations on Ben's family tree, we'll finally find that all-elusive Aboriginal Jew...","Barely a Jew","John Baker| Yul Brynner| Mahatma Gandhi| Nadira| Michael O'Loughlin"
443,"Winnie-the-Pooh",6,0,1,5,"It's the baseball offseason and our favorite teams are refurbishing their rosters with exciting new players. It's an exciting time, imagining who we might be rooting for come April. In fact, all of this trading and free agent signing has us wanting to get in on the act. So we've been working on a couple of key acquisitions. For instance, Winnie-the-Pooh. He's not Jewish, but we sure would like to bring him on to the team. Just as importantly, we think he'd be willing to waive his no-trade clause for us. After all, he's got a Hanukkah book out. And his adventures have already been translated into Yiddish. So whaddaya say goyim? We'll give you Fievel Mousekewitz| who you seem to want so badly for some reason or another — and we'll take Pooh. Winnie-the-Jew. How does it get more perfect than that? Not to worry, though, we'll let you keep Tigger, Rabbit, and, of course, Piglet. u = document.location.href.toLowerCase(); if (u.indexOf('tl=ru') != -1) setImage('vinni-puh');","Sadly, Not a Jew","Berenstain Bears| Curious George| Humpty Dumpty| Morris Michtom| Fievel Mousekewitz"
444,"Alexander Ovechkin",1,0,0,1,"Last year, we introduced the search box on this website. Not only does it provide readers an easier way to find profiles, it also gives us a look into something we're missing. So, if a name starts to constantly appear in the searches, it gives us a hint that we're missing someone that's worthy of a profile. Yet sometimes, a name starts to appear and appear, to our eternal puzzlement. We're not talking about obvious goyim like Tom Cruise or George W. Bush. Those are huge names that are bound to be searched one way or another. We're talking about someone not universally known. Of course, in the world of hockey, Alexander Ovechkin is known by all. He is the reigning NHL MVP, after all. But why does his name keep coming up in our searches? Why does anyone think he's Jewish? Does Ovechkin look Jewish? He does have a big nose and a unibrow, which tend to be Jewish stereotypes. However, there are many non-Jews with big noses (Hello, Tom Cruise!) and unibrows (Hello, George W. Bush!) To us, he looks more like an ogre (Jewish ogres? Hmmm...) And then, the truth comes out. Someone added Ovechkin to a list of Jewish athletes on Wikipedia. Ugh. Well, let us set the record straight. Alexander Ovechkin is not Jewish. Not even close. He wears a cross, for crying out loud! Now, if someone could explain why anyone would search for David Hasselhoff... (Editor's update, 2022: Ovechkin is a complete scumbag who has been Vladimir Putin's cheerleader and lackey for years. Definitely, definitely not a Jew.)","Not a Jew","Andre Burakovsky| Jeff Halpern| Cecil Hart| Evgeni Malkin| Jimmy Wales"
445,"Kang and Kodos",7,2,1,4,"Even as ""The Simpsons"" goes down the tubes, the Halloween episodes are still watchable. Especially when Kang and Kodos are involved. The delightfully evil alien pair and their various plots for world domination are always good for a few laughs. So, in a recent parody of ""E.T."", Bart befriended Kodos, and Marge did not want the alien living with them. So what did Kodos do? He put on a yarmulke and asked, ""is it because I'm Jewish?"" Marge acquiesced, and Kodos... What a minute. KODOS IS JEWISH? Every Simpsons fan knows that Kang and Kodos are Quantum Presbyterians, announcing themselves so in Episode DABF12. The Jewish revelation comes in Episode HABF17, five seasons later. Now, Simpsons were never big on continuity (Maggie has been sucking on that pacifier for 20 years), but... Which one is it? Are Kang and Kodos Quantum Presbyterians or Jewish? Well, let's consider the possibilities. Perhaps they used to be Quantum Presbyterians and converted to Judaism. Or, perhaps, Kodos is lying to be Jewish to use Marge's guilt for personal gain. Or, maybe, Kodos is Jewish but Kang is Quantum Presbyterian. (There are no laws that siblings have to belong to the same religion.) Or, perhaps, there was no Jesus Christ on their home world of Rigel VII, so Christianity never developed, and Quantum Presbyterianism is just a subsect of Judaism? And yes, we just spent a couple of hours trying to figure this out. Foolish Earthlings indeed.","Barely a Jew","ALF| Doctor Who| Duffman| Krusty the Clown| Dr. Zoidberg"
446,"Ayn Rand",12,5,3,4,"Ever since we started this website, we've had a list of people we have to profile. Since Day 1, Ayn Rand was on that list. Two and a half years later, we've profiled such luminaries as Zac Efron and Cindy Margolis. Ayn Rand is nowhere to be found. Why? We're afraid of her fans. You see, ten years ago, the Modern Library decided to rank the top 100 novels of the 20th century. No Ayn Rand novel made the list. So, a year later, an online poll ran. Rand's fans mobilized. She took the first spot. And the second. And the seventh. And the eighth. So you can imagine our fears. For we couldn't give Rand a score high enough to please her hordes of followers. Even if we went with a 15, we're sure we would have received dozens of emails chastising us for not giving her an extra, 16th point. And a Jew Score of 11? We would have never heard the end of it. But honestly, how can we go higher than a 11? She might have been born into a Jewish family, but Rand didn't exactly embrace her Jewishness. Hmmmm. On second thought... let's make that 11 into an 12. Just to be safe.","Jew","Hannah Arendt| Isaac Asimov| Zac Efron| Milton Friedman| Cindy Margolis"
447,"Michael Bloomberg",12,4,5,3,"About a year ago, we started a quest to find a prominent Jewish politician that we could be proud of. That quest went nowhere. We looked at governors. We looked at senators. We got bored. We ended the quest on Dianne Feinstein, stating that being proud of a politician is an oxymoron. Some time passed. We profiled a few actors, athletes, and artists. Even a politician or two, without resuming our original quest. And then it hit us. We shouldn't have been looking at governors, or senators, or attempting to reveal Jewish roots of dead presidents. We should have looked in our backyard. New York City. Mayor Michael Bloomberg. Prominent? Check. Jewish? Check. Respectable? Definitely. Quest over? Well, for Bloomberg's sake, let's hope so. Remember, it was the Eliot Spitzer scandal that started our quest. And before that, Mr. Spitzer sure seemed prominent, Jewish, and respectable...","Jew","Dianne Feinstein| Ed Koch| Fiorello La Guardia| Chuck Schumer| Eliot Spitzer"
448,"Kobe Bryant",3,0,0,3,"Everyone has dreams of what they'll be when they grow up. Firefighters and astronauts are fairly typical. In Japan, an inordinate number of children want to pilot giant robots when they grow up (now there's a recipe for disappointment). When we were growing up, we wanted to be writers. Hey, sometimes this stuff just works out. Certainly, a common American dream is to be a pro basketball star. We didn't have that dream. Maybe because the reality of being short, Jewish and unathletic was too heavy a load, even for dreams. But a lot of kids today do. Which means a lot of kids today are in for a letdown. And the kids who do make it to the NBA to live out their dream? What do they dream about? Well, according to a 2006 interview, Kobe Bryant ""wouldn't mind being Jewish."" Really, Kobe? ""I wouldn't mind. Really."" OK, then... Hey, in a world where ""giant robot pilot"" is considered acceptable, even expected, maybe Kobe's dreams aren't too far fetched. But we think he'd be better off sticking to basketball.","Not a Jew","Wilt Chamberlain| Julius Erving| Jordan Farmar| Rudy LaRusso| David Stern"
449,"Alan Rothenberg",13,5,4,4,"In a little over a week, the NFL will be handing out the Vince Lombardi trophy to the winner of the Super Bowl. Lombardi, best known as the coach of the Green Bay Packers, was Italian. The NHL has, perhaps, the most famous sports trophy: the Stanley Cup, named for Lord Frederick Stanley, who was of English descent. In the NBA, their trophy is named for former commissioner Larry O'Brien, who we can only assume is Irish. Baseball's trophy isn't named for anyone. It's just called the Commissioner's Trophy. Lame. But in Major League Soccer, oh good old MLS, when you win the championship, you receive the Alan I. Rothenberg trophy. And Rothenberg is a JEW. A Jew's Jew filled with Jew-y goodness who wants to ""bring Jewish morality to professional sports"". So it took a little digging, but, hey, we have ourselves a sports trophy named for a Jew. What? They renamed it last year for Philip F. Anschutz, a ""supporter of conservative Christian causes""? Ugh. Well, we suppose he deserves it and all, but it looks like we're going back to the drawing board with this one.","Jew","Chuck Blazer| Don Garber| Cecil Hart| Shep Messing| Maurice Podoloff"
450,"Michelle Obama",4,0,0,4,"Everyone knows that Barack Obama is a secret Muslim. OK, maybe not, but that's the rumor they tried to spreed to the retirees in Florida. But does anyone know that Michelle Obama is a secret Jew? OK, maybe not again. But she has a relative, Capers Funnye, who is a prominent rabbi. They are first cousins. Once removed. So that's something. Still not good enough? What about Michelle's great-grandmother, Rose Ella Cohen? That does sound incredibly Jewish on the surface. But Rose was a black slave who inherited her name from her owners. Not exactly a ringing endorsement for 19th century Cohens from South Carolina. So much for spreading rumors.","Not a Jew","Hillary Clinton| Kitty Dukakis| Douglas Emhoff| Langston Hughes| Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis"
451,"Daniel Craig",6,1,1,4,"This one's for all the ladies. A couple of weeks ago, we wrote in the Brendan Fraser profile that playing a Jew in a movie doesn't make one a Jew. But what if one plays a Jew in three movies, you ask? Because with the current release of ""Defiance"", dream crush Daniel Craig has now played a Polish Jewish guerilla fighter, an American Jewish soldier and a Jewish Mossad (in ""Munich""). And that just has you salivating with anticipation. So, is there something to it? Is there a hint of Judaism hidden in those smoldering blue eyes? Perhaps we finally found our Jewish James Bond? We have not. Typecasting or not, Daniel Craig is not Jewish. Sorry. So, attractive female Jewish readers of JONJ (and if you're Jewish, female and reading JONJ, then you're attractive), here is your mission: fly to England. Pry Mr. Craig from whatever supermodel he's currently dating. Then marry him, make sure that he converts to Judaism, and have a lot of blond, steely-eyed, Jewish babies. (Editor's update, June 22, 2011: Way to go, Rachel Weisz!)","Sadly, Not a Jew","Darren Aronofsky| Tuvia Bielski| Jude Law| Sienna Miller| Rachel Weisz"
452,"Shalom Harlow",5,0,4,1,"We just don't get it. Your name is Shalom, not just a name that could be Jewish, but, in fact, is so Jewish that Jews themselves rarely use it because even they find it too Jewish. Your parents are named David and Sandi (outskirts of Jew city). You even have a brother named Nathan. And yet, somehow, you are not a Jew. Also, you're one of the highest-earning supermodels in the world, yet you look like that. Yeah, we just don't get it.","Not a Jew","Torah Bright| Norman Jewison| Israel Kamakawiwo'ole| Twiggy| Hannukkah Wallace"
453,"Jon Lovitz",13,4,5,4,"Ever since we started watching Saturday Night Live, there have been only three cast members who constantly made us laugh. No, not Ellen Cleghorne. Phil Hartman, Will Ferrell, and Jon Lovitz. Well, Hartman has passed away, Ferrell (Not a Jew) is making millions from his movies, and Lovitz (Obviously a Jew) is slipping into obscurity. Seriously, the best this master thespian can do is a supporting role in a Rob Schneider movie and the voice of the red M&M? Why? Why would such a hilarious actor be reduced to such nothingness? We know why. All the other comedians must have blacklisted him. They just don't want to compete with his handsome face. Yeah... That's the ticket!","Jew","The Devil| Hanukkah Harry| Rob Schneider| Jay Sherman| Artie Ziff"
454,"Bernie Madoff",10,5,5,0,"There are many words that can be used to describe Bernie Madoff. A lot of them end with ""bag"". Dirtbag. Douchebag. Scumbag. Sadly, there is one word that can describe him that doesn't end with ""bag"". Jew. Yep, we're not too proud of this one. But we have to be fair. After 450 profiles of, face it, mostly awesome Jews, we need to point out the not-so-awesome ones. Even the scumbags. Or, maybe we should look at it the other way. Maybe we should embrace Madoff. After all, he stole $50 billion. He is the greatest thief in the history of the world... So we have the greatest thief ever. Whoopty-freaking-do. That still doesn't sit right. Are we absolutely sure Robin Hood wasn't Jewish?","Sadly, a Jew","Jordan Belfort| Sandy Koufax| Barry Minkow| Elie Wiesel| Fred Wilpon"
455,"Zach Braff",12,4,4,4,"For a while there, we were pretty sure we liked Zach Braff. He's Jewish, he's from New Jersey, he's best known as the star of the quirky, under-appreciated, thoroughly enjoyable show Scrubs. And, on first viewing, we loved Zach's directorial debut Garden State as a quirky, smart, thoroughly enjoyable film. Then we saw a few interviews. And that cringe-inducing Punk'd appearance. And we discovered something about our new best bud Zach Braff: he seems a little... self-involved, maybe? There's something inextricably human in that: There's nothing that we like less about someone we like than them liking themselves. So does it turn us off a little? Perhaps. But it's not like we sold our Garden State DVD or stopped watching Scrubs reruns on Comedy Central. We just like them maybe 5% less. Is that keeping Zach up at night, worried about whether we love him as ardently as we once did? Probably not.","Jew","Elizabeth Banks| Mandy Moore| Natalie Portman| Jamie-Lynn Sigler| Bruce Springsteen"
456,"Mahmoud Ahmadinejad",1,0,1,0,"In America, when someone tries to discredit a political rival, they usually go after one's sexual liaisons or financial transgressions. In Iran, one would just say that their rival is Jewish. All liaisons and transgressions would pale by comparison. So it should come to no surprise that the son of Ayatollah Khazali, rival to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has written on his blog(!) that good old Mahmoud has Jewish roots. According to the younger Khazali, the Ahmadinejads changed their last name from Sabourjian, and that the origins of the Sabourjians should be investigated. You see, Sabourijan means ""thread painter"", an occupation that was once supposedly associated with Jews. A few months later, the story was investigated. And the findings were astonishing! Yes, the Ahmadinejads changed their name. And no, Sabourijan does not mean ""thread painter"", but rather ""weaver of Sabour"", Sabour supposedly being a Jewish shawl! So... So what? Which translation is correct, and what does the new one prove (and why Sabour, a region of Pakistan, a country neighboring Iran, is not considered as a possible name origin)? Seriously, so what? Take a look through our website. There are many, many non-Jews with last names that seem obviously Jewish. But Mahmoud himself is clearly not Jewish. There's no proof that his parents were either. Exactly how many generations do we have to go up that family tree to find that supposed Jewish thread painter or shawl weaver? So is it possible? Well, it's not impossible that if a number of flimsy assumptions hold, Ahmadinejad would not be just an antisemite, but an antisemite... with Jewish ancestry. But we doubt it.","Not a Jew","Mustafa Kemal Ataturk| Bahram V| Muammar Gaddafi| Kim Jong-un| Charles Taylor"
457,"Oliver Stone",7,3,1,3,"Oliver Stone's father was Jewish, but he was in rebellion against his Judaism. Oliver Stone's mother was Catholic, but she was in rebellion against her Catholicism. So the two compromised. They raised their son Protestant. Now, how is that a compromise? Judaism is not even represented. No wonder someone pulled in all these directions started to see conspiracies everywhere. Well, be it Jewish or Catholic roots or a Protestant upbringing, Stone has shed it all for Buddhism. Let that be a lesson for all parents from interfaith families: if you try some flimsy compromise, your child might go in an entirely different direction altogether. Of course, if you're rebelling against your own religion, you might not mind that at all.","Barely a Jew","Leonard Cohen| William Friedkin| Gordon Gekko| Sam Mendes| Billy Wilder"
458,"Ozzy Osbourne",4,1,1,2,"We all know the obvious Kosher laws. Pork: not Kosher. Combining milk and meat: not Kosher. Shellfish: not Kosher. Insects: not Kosher. But what about the more obscure foods? For instance... bats? Well, the ancient Hebrews were not exactly up to speed with animal qualification. They considered bats to be birds. And the basic rule is, birds of prey: not Kosher. So, if one would bite the head of, oh, let's say a dove, that would be fine with the laws of kashrut, because doves are not birds of prey. But if one would do that to a bat (a real life bat, even if that one thinks it's rubber), that would not be Kosher at all. Of course, not all Jews obey all Kosher laws (we love a little lobster ourselves). So just because someone takes a bite of a bat, doesn't necessarily make them not Jewish. Just a bit... odd. Which means that even someone culinary peculiar as Ozzy Osbourne| who is married to a Jewish woman and who recently renewed his wedding vows in a Jewish ceremony — would be welcome among us if he was Jewish. But he isn't. And not even an all-matzah diet is going to change that.","Not a Jew","Michael Bolton| Alice Cooper| Marilyn Manson| Gene Simmons| Dee Snider"
459,"Victor Borge",14,5,5,4,"A while back, we profiled the Danish scientist Niels Bohr. In the profile, we originally mentioned that we haven't heard of many Danish Jews. Back then, our website was read by a total of ten people. None of those people knew of any Danish Jews. So all was well. Now, it's a year later. Those ten people are joined by thousands of others. And some of those thousands have read the Niels Bohr profile. And some of those who read that profile are sending us lists, long lists of Danish Jews. Architect and designer Arne Jacobson. Another Nobel winning physicist, Ben Roy Mottelson. Author Georg Brandes. Half of Scarlett Johansson. Etc, etc, etc. And Victor Borge, whose piano-accompanied one-liners had made audiences laugh for decades. So hooray for all the Danish Jews! What is it that Borge himself said? I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.","Jew","Susanne Bier| Niels Bohr| Arne Jacobsen| Scarlett Johansson| Edgar Rubin"
460,"Prince",5,0,1,4,"Someday we will have to explain Prince to our children. How will we do it? Let's practice: ""Y'see, back in the 80s there was this weird, effeminate, electronica R&B guy named Prince. No, dear, you're thinking of Michael Jackson. Anyway, Prince was a black, funk musician from Minneapolis. He sold multiple millions of records, was a huge star, and even released one of the worst movies of all time (Purple Rain) and still stayed popular. On stage, he was obsessed with the color purple and once performed wearing high healed boots, bikini briefs, leg warmers, and a necklace made of raw bacon. Oh, and despite all that he's been romantically linked to some of Hollywood's most beautiful women. Then in 1993, he legally changed his name to an unpronounceable symbol. So everyone had to call hims ""The Artist Formerly Known as Prince."" Then, in 2000, he changes his name back to Prince which means that now he's The Artist Formerly Known as the Artist Formerly Known as Prince."" Oy. When Prince wrote the song ""(There'll Never B) Another Like Me"" he wasn't kidding. Well, at least the rumors that he is part Jewish turned out to be false...","Not a Jew","Boy George| Susanna Hoffs| Michael Jackson| Adam Lambert| George Michael"
461,"Charles Bronson",5,1,1,3,"Is Charles Bronson Jewish? No. Both his parents were Lithuanian, and not Jewish. Now that that's settled, it's time to play... DEATH WISH VI:This Time It's RabbinicalInstructions: shoot the bad guys with your gun mouse.Don't shoot the rabbis! Score: var score, target, timer, curr; var ie = navigator.appName.indexOf !=|1; ho = document.getElementById(""holder""); sc = document.getElementById(""sdiv""); gv = document.getElementById(""gover""); ba = document.getElementById(""bang""); en = document.getElementById(""enemy""); function begin() { ho.style.backgroundColor = ""#FFFFFF""; score = 0; curr = 0; gover.innerHTML = ''; hideDiv(intro); hideDiv(restart); showDiv(scene); disp(); showDiv(enemy); loadPic(); } function loadPic(x) { curr++; y = x; if (x == null) y = rand(2); target = y; targ.src = 'img/other/cb/bronson'+y+'.gif'; en.style.left = rand(250); en.style.top = rand(170); timer = 0; if (y == 2) timer = getTime(); if (y != 2) setTimeout('hold(curr)', rand(500)+500); } function kill() { if (target == 1) { die(1); return; } if (target == 2) add(10); setTimeout('reset()', 300); } function hold(holding) { if (holding == curr) loadPic(); } function shoot(ev) { x = ev.clientX-55; y = ev.clientY-55; ba.style.left = x; ba.style.top = y; newTime = getTime(); dt = 1200 - curr * 5; if (dt < 200) dt = 200; if (timer > 0 && newTime - timer > dt) { die(0); return; } showDiv(bang); kill(); } function reset() { hideDiv(bang); loadPic(); } function die(how) { hideDiv(enemy); hideDiv(bang); ho.style.backgroundColor = ""#FF0000""; t = ""<p align=center><span class=largeText>"" if (how == 0) t += ""You are not fast enough!"" if (how == 1) t += ""You shot a rabbi!"" t += ""<br><br></span>GAME OVER</p>""; gv.innerHTML = t; showDiv(restart); } function getTime() { return (new Date()).getTime(); } function add(x) { score += x; disp(); } function disp() { sc.innerHTML = score; } function rand(x) { return parseInt(Math.random()*x)+1; }","Not a Jew","Vin Diesel| Jack Klugman| Chuck Norris| Steven Seagal| Jean-Claude Van Damme"
462,"Howie Mandel",9,4,4,1,"Originally, we were going to embrace Howie's Jewishness with a parody of ""Deal or No Deal"". We went to the official website and downloaded pictures of all the models. We even read up on some bios. Did you know that Lisa was a fan of ""The Smurfs""? We sure didn't... And then, to brush up on the show, we decided to watch an episode of ""Deal"", to get the parody right. So we watched. We sat through an entire episode. An entire hour-long episode. We will never get that hour of our life back. Ever. ""DEAL OR NO DEAL"" IS THE STUPIDEST SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION. Yes, we've heard of ""My Mother The Car"" and ""Homeboys in Outer Space"". We stand by the original statement. So sorry, JONJ readers. No models holding suitcases. No exciting game where you can win (fictional) money. Just a picture of the idiotic host and the sad, sad, sad verdict.","Sadly, a Jew","Jack Barry| Monty Hall| Ben Stein| Marc Summers| Peter Tomarken"
463,"Paula Zahn",6,1,2,3,"Where can you find Paula Zahn, the morning news anchor CNN once promoted as ""provocative, super-smart, oh yeah, and just a little sexy?"" Perhaps, your local synagogue? ""Zahn"" could be Jewish, right? Close, but no cigar. It is quite possible that Paula Zahn has attended synagogue, doing so with her husband, Richard Cohen. But since the two have now divorced and she never converted to Judaism, it's hard to imagine her returning. So seriously, where do you find Paula Zahn these days? Now that CNN has fired her, will she continue her meteoric rise or fade into obscurity? Oh, she just got a job at PBS. Obscurity it is.","Not a Jew","Wolf Blitzer| Katie Couric| Larry King| Marlene Sanders| Jake Tapper"
464,"Judd Nelson",9,4,2,3,"Ah, The Breakfast Club. The athlete, the basket case, the criminal, the princess and the brain. Perhaps the most re-watchable of all the Hughes 80s films. And in a movie that's all about judging a teenage book by its cover, you'd be forgiven if you assumed that neo maxi zoom dweebie Brian Johnson, was Jewish. Aren't all the dorky, ready-made-victim kids Jews in these movies? But you'd be wrong. Brian is played by Anthony Michael Hall, who is of Irish/Italian descent and is Catholic. Who is? None other than America's favorite bully Bender, played by 100% Jew Judd Nelson. Now that's the kind thing we can get excited about! Sure, our high school selves would strenuously disagree, but the adult in us loves the guilty pleasure of rooting for the trouble-making, browbeating, bad boy. What's that? It was the goyishe Hall that ended up dating the desirable Molly Ringwald after the film, not Nelson? And even though it's not saying much, Hall's had the better post-Breakfast Club career as well? Aaargh! Even when we win we lose!","Jew","Rob Lowe| Demi Moore| Ally Sheedy| Mare Winningham| Alex Winter"
465,"Kitty Pryde",13,4,5,4,"Everyone has a favorite X-Man. For many, it's Wolverine. He has super-strength, a mean streak, and a mysterious past. Comic book nerds dig that. For some, it's Storm. She has a very useful power of controlling the weather, plus in the movies she's played by Halle Berry. So that's nice. Some like Cyclops, and his eyes of death. Or the telepathic Jean Grey. Or the super-intelligent Beast. Not us. Our favorite X-Man might not be that well known, or super-strong or super-smart. Her powers of going through walls seem better suited for bank robbery than for superheroing. But she does have one thing going for her that those other, more famous, more powerful superheroes don't. She's Jewish. Openly Jewish. Proudly Jewish. She even proudly wears a Star of David necklace. So here were are. Kitty Pryde, AKA Shadowcat. Our favorite X-Man. Oh, who are we kidding... It doesn't matter how many supervillains she nags to death or how delicious her matzah ball soup is. She'll never be as cool as Wolverine.","Jew","Iceman| Magneto| Sabra| Scarlet Witch| The Thing"
466,"Dr. Zoidberg",9,3,5,1,"In Futurama, a modern day dope awakens in the future and goes on hilarious adventures with his alien, mutant, and robot friends. It's by Matt Groening. It's science fiction. We should love it. But there's a problem: Dr Zoidberg, (quoting Wikipedia here) an ignorant, socially inept, disgusting, incompetent who lives in poverty (deep breath) AND speaks with a Yiddish accent, gets guilt from his parents, has a borscht-belt-comedian uncle... you get the point. Just thinking that Zoidberg might be Jewish ruins the whole show for us. So what can we do about it? Jew or Not Jew powers... ACTIVATE! Ok, first off, the show never outright defines Zoidberg as Jewish. That's good. Second, Zoidberg is a kind of lobster/squid amalgam which means he's not Kosher. According to the Bear Corollary established by this website, a non-kosher creature is actually more likely to be Jewish since Jews do not consume each other. That's bad. (The Corollary is. The not eating each other thing is actually fairly beneficial.) Zoidberg doesn't wear a yarmulke. Doesn't go to shul. Doesn't study Torah. Good, good and good. Now, here's where our in-depth knowledge of xenozoology comes in handy; aka, watching Star Trek. Y'see, on Star Trek they encounter all sorts of ""theme planets"". There's the Greek planet, the Roman planet, the Native American planet, you get the point. None of the people on these planets are Greek, Roman or Cherokee, they just look and act that way. The Enterprise has never visited a Jewish planet, but we must assume one exists and that's the planet Zoidberg is from (Decapod 10, for those of you planning a visit). All of which brings us to the following happy conclusion (and not a moment too soon):","Not a Jew","Berenstain Bears| David X. Cohen| Leonard Nimoy| Katey Sagal| Watto"
467,"Warren Buffett",5,0,1,4,"Some people think Warren Buffett is Jewish. Why would that be? He contributes to some Jewish charities, but you don't have to be Jewish to do that. He was born and lives in Nebraska, not many Jews there. He considers himself an agnostic, so religiously he's not Jewish. He's invested in Israel, but that doesn't make him a Jew, just a good businessman. His mother's maiden name is Stahl, which might mean he has some Jewish ancestors... or might not. His former son-in-law is a Jew... Well, that's just a reach. Is it because he's the second richest man in the world? Well, we guess there are worse reasons than that...","Not a Jew","Bill Gates| Alfred Loewenstein| John D. Rockefeller| Mayer Rothschild| George Soros"
468,"Elizabeth Taylor",9,2,4,3,"So, it's about time we discussed Elizabeth Taylor. We're closing in on 500 profiles, and not having one of the most famous leading ladies of all time seems to be a glaring omission. Especially since she is Jewish, converting in 1959. She was influenced by the rabbi of her third husband, Mike Todd, to help overcome the grief resulting from Todd's death in a plane crash. But we have a problem. What photograph do we use? Because depending whether we go with young or old Liz, the tone of the profile would be vastly different. If we choose young Liz, we would talk of her as one of the greatest beauties of our time, and applaud her conversion to Judaism. A K Score of a 4 would be a minimum. If we choose old Liz, we would talk of what a joke she's become, and make fun of her failed marriages and exuberant makeup. We'd deride her conversion, ask her to return to her original faith, and set the K Score at 2 or below. So which one will it be? Hmmmm. k = 0; interval = 5000; setTimeout', interval ); function loadPic(x) { if (x == null) { k++; x = k%2; } u = 'e/elizabeth_taylor'; if (x == 1) u = 'taylor'; setImage(u); setTimeout('loadPic()', interval); }","Jew","Anne Bancroft| Carl Bernstein| Zsa Zsa Gabor| Larry King| Marilyn Monroe"
469,"Benny Friedman",12,5,3,4,"The 2005 Pro Football Hall of Fame class contained three of the greatest quarterbacks in NFL history. Dan Marino. Career leader in most passing statistics, including yards and touchdowns. Steve Young (Not a Jew). Best quarterback rating of all-time. And Benny Friedman. Who? Well, let's put it this way. Most of Marino's career numbers have already been eclipsed by Brett Favre (Not a Jew). Young's passer rating will definitely be broken one day. But in the 1920s, Friedman was a transcending player of Babe Ruth (Not a Jew) proportions. In 1928, he was so good for the Detroit Wolverines (yes, Detroit actually had a winning team back then), that next year, the entire team was bought by the New York Giants so that they could have the rights to Friedman (just try to imagine that happening now). Next year, he threw for 20 touchdown passes. The runner-up? Six. (In fact, no one would get to 20 until 1942.) Oh, and he also kicked 20 extra points. Imagine Dan Marino doing that. So that begs the question. Friedman retired as a player in 1934. His Hall of Fame election came 71 years later, posthumously. Seriously... What took so long?","Jew","Jay Fiedler| Mark Herzlich| Sid Luckman| Harry Newman| Ed Sabol"
470,"Joan Rivers",13,5,5,3,"Everyone knows Joan is Jewish. Also, everyone knows that her face is has been assembled and re-assembled multiple times. So, here is your chance to put it back together! div.game { border: 1px solid black; background: white; } div.tile { border: 1px solid gray; } div.empty {|moz-opacity: .2; border: 2px solid lightgreen; } Instructions: click on a tile to move it to the empty square. Once the puzzle is solved, the border will turn green. Game code by Jesse Ruderman function okConfirm() { return confirm; }","Jew","Jean Carroll| Ricki Lake| Sally Jessy Raphael| Jerry Springer| Daphne Zuniga"
471,"Rachel Green",10,3,4,3,"Friends, for those of you living in a wi-fi enabled cave, is a science fiction program about six 20-somethings living in a parallel universe Manhattan where there are no black or Hispanic people and two unemployed women can afford a spacious two-bedroom apartment in Greenwich Village. Depending on who you are it was either a moderately funny show with hot chicks or it was like, the best... show... EVAR! Regardless, it's probably showing on TBS right now, so go check it out. In any case, since this is JONJ and not TV.com, we need to rate some Jew-age and that should be fairly simple to suss out: Phoebe Buffay: Not a Jew Joey Tribbiani: Not a Jew Chandler Bing: Not a Jew Ross Gellar: Jew Monica Gellar: Jew Rachel Green: J...ah, not a....wait a minute. What the frappuccino is Rachel? Rachel Green sure sounds Jewish. The writers on the Friends DVD commentary certainly say they wrote her that way. But the character herself is markedly mum. She shows no rooting interest in the famously-unwatchable Chanukah armadillo episode. Certainly she and Ross never attend temple together. So which is it? Once again we're left with the old standby situation of someone who appears Jewish but may or may not be, which means we get to choose. Happily, Rachel's one we want so we're going split the difference and say she's half. On her... father's side (he is a poor tipper, after all).","Borderline Jew","Jennifer Aniston| Ross and Monica Geller| Lisa Kudrow| Alex Levy| David Schwimmer"
472,"David Levy Yulee",9,4,2,3,"If you're Jewish, American, and over the age of 60, you fall into one of the following categories: 1. You live in the state of Florida. 2. You are planning to live in the state of Florida. 3. You wish you could live in the state of Florida, but do not want to leave your grandchildren behind. There really is no fourth alternative. So it should come as no surprise that the first Jewish senator in American history, David Levy, was elected from that state of Florida. Still, we'll applaud him for being such a trailblazer, the first in the line of many Jews that helped turn Florida into Jew Heaven. We'll be 60 one day, after all.","Barely a Jew","Moses Alexander| Judah P. Benjamin| Lewis Charles Levin| Abraham Myers| Oscar Straus"
473,"Tim Geithner",5,0,2,3,"It's funny, this country of ours. Depending on whom you listen to, either Barack Obama is surrounding himself with too many Jews... Or not enough. On one hand, the first person Obama hired, his Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, is Jewish. So is Obama's senior adviser, David Axelrod. And there are various other Jews of lesser interest in various positions around the President and the VP. On the other hand, there are no Jews in Obama's Cabinet. Not one. Even George W. Bush had a token Jew, Michael Chertoff, as the Secretary of National Security. What about Timothy Geithner, you might ask? Obama's Secretary of the Treasury? He is Jewish, right? Nope. Geithner's ancestry is half German half WASP, with no evidence of Jewish roots. He was raised Episcopalian is now a member of the United Church of Christ. So yeah, not so much. His middle name is Franz, for crying out loud. Makes you wonder how this Jewish rumor even got started.","Not a Jew","Alexander Hamilton| Steve Mnuchin| Henry Morgenthau Jr.| Michelle Obama| Janet Yellen"
474,"Alex Winter",8,3,3,2,"A couple of times, we've been asked if Keanu Reeves is Jewish. Our response was, ""no, but Alex Winter is"". Both times, we were met with blank stares. Hello? Alex Winter? The Bill to Keanu's Ted, who went on some Excellent Adventures and starred in perhaps the fourth best time-traveling movie of the 1980s? One half of the dynamic duo that made high schoolers appreciate Socrates and Freud, while strumming some excellent tunes. But, while Keanu was busy saving buses, selling his soul to Al Pacino, and fighting Agent Smith, Alex was busy... who knows. Probably, he did a lot of reading. Maybe rented a few videos. Perhaps transformed his air guitar skills into playing a real instrument. So, maybe next time we're asked if Keanu is Jewish, we should reply differently. Perhaps we should say, ""no, but his character in the Matrix is"". It's not like there's any proof that he is not.","Jew","Napoleon Bonaparte| Doctor Who| Michael J. Fox| Sigmund Freud| Socrates"
475,"Man Ray",12,4,3,5,"Are you Jewish? Are you blessed cursed with a long, difficult, tongue-twisting name? If so, try our Make-Your-Name-Hip Generator*! Male Female *Hipness not guaranteed function generate() { v = document.rf.one.value; v = v.toLowerCase(); male = document.rf.sex[0].checked; names = v.split; if (names == null || names.length != 2) { alert(""Please enter first and last name, separated by a space""); return; } fo = names[0]; lo = names[1]; if (!isAlpha(fo) || !isAlpha(lo)) { alert(""Please use A-Z only""); return; } fn = '', ln = ''; for (i=0;i<fo.length;i++) { c = fo.charAt(i); if (fn.length == 0 && male == isConsonant(c)) fn = c.toUpperCase(); if (fn.length == 1 && male == isVowel(c)) fn += c; if (fn.length == 2 && male == isConsonant(c)) { fn += c; break; } } if (male) { if (fn.length == 1) fn += 'an'; if (fn.length == 2) fn += 'n'; } else { if (fn.length == 1) fn += 'na'; if (fn.length == 2) fn += 'a'; } fc = false; for (i=0;i<lo.length;i++) { c = lo.charAt(i); if (ln.length == 0) {fc = isConsonant(c); ln = c.toUpperCase(); } if (ln.length == 1 && ((isVowel(c) && fc) || (isConsonant(c) && !fc))) { ln += c; break; } } if (ln.length == 1 && fc) ln += 'a'; if (ln.length == 1 && !fc) ln += 'y'; for (i=0;i<lo.length;i++) { c = lo.charAt(lo.length-i-1); if ((fc && isConsonant(c)) || (!fc && isVowel(c))) { ln += c; break; } } document.rf.two.value = fn + ' ' + ln; } function isAlpha(str) { var re = /[^a-zA-Z]/g return !(re.test(str)); } function isVowel(c) { return (c == 'a' || c == 'e' || c == 'i' || c == 'o' || c == 'u'); } function isConsonant(c) { return !isVowel(c); }","Jew","Claude Cahun| Marcel Duchamp| Amedeo Modigliani| Alfred Stieglitz| Tristan Tzara"
476,"Nero",2,1,1,0,"As part of JONJ's continued dedication to our long history and the Jewish community, we will occasionally republish profiles from our historical archives. Today we present Nero, which originally appeared in ""Jew or Not Jew Scroll XVI"" written in the year 250 by former staff writer Rabbi Natan ben Eliezar. To our notice tis come a new book which hath been titled The Talmud. Having thus received an advanced copy, we| those learned and holy enough to compose this volume thou now holds in thine hands — hath set about to review it, forthwith. In this Talmud is contained much of interest, though not much to discuss with one so engaged as thou. However, this tome doth contain one claim worthy of discussion: that Nero — hated Nero of Rome who didst begin the war ending in the destruction of our Temple on Tish B'Av — hadst converted to the holy and rightful worship of Hashem before his death. The story moves thusly: Nero, cowed upon seeing the works of the one G-d, King of the Universe, hallowed be his name, chose to convert to our own religion rather than face the wrath of the Lord in the year 3826 (66 by the count of this new Christian calendar which hath suddenly gained so much popular acclaim). Forsooth! Couldst such a claim contain the word of truth? It seemeth unlikely that one so Roman as Nero wouldst consider such a decision, so entrenched in their beliefs were they. Further, if Nero was Jewish, wouldst he really have continued his violent campaign against our people? And even if there was some scent of possibility amongst these passing scents, do we really want a matricidal brigand best known for fiddling with his lyre as the great city of Rome didst burn? We say nay, which leads to the following verdict, easily declared with the most honest of intentions and veracity.","Not a Jew","Simon bar Kokhba| Jesus Christ| Hannibal| Flavius Josephus| Polemon II"
477,"Seth Green",12,4,4,4,"Seth Green's first major role was as a young Woody Allen in Radio Days. Since then, few actors have had as wide a variety of roles: Patrick Dempsey's younger brother in Can't Buy Me Love Dr. Evil's estranged son in the Austin Powers films A pathetic hip-hop wannabe in Can't Hardly Wait A witch-dating werewolf in Buffy the Vampire Slayer A hotshot starship pilot in the video game classic Mass Effect Peter Griffin's idiot son on Family Guy And yet, the Jew-dometer is stuck at 1. This is a travesty. How can you have a name like Seth Benjamin Gesshel-Green (with parents Herb and Barbara for Hashem's sake), and choose all these vildechayas over nice Jewish roles. Normally, this is the kind of snub we'd go all K2 over, but since Robot Chicken is all kinds of awesome (and there isn't a character in that list above that we didn't enjoy) we're letting it go. This time.","Jew","Woody Allen| Sarah Michelle Gellar| Lois Griffin| Michelle Trachtenberg| The Wolfman"
478,"Mustafa Kemal Ataturk",6,1,1,4,"Turkey has always been a mystery to us. Is it European? Is it Asian? If it's secular, how come it has the Muslim star and crescent on its flag? And why on earth did they ever rename Constantinople to Istanbul, when the latter is a Greek word? And add the origins of Ataturk to that list of mysteries. Mustafa Kemal Ataturk, for the uninformed, was the founder and first President of the Republic of Turkey. First a military leader, then a statesman and a reformer, he was the man most responsible for lifting the ""Sick Man of Europe"" title from his nation. And, supposedly, his family came from the Doenme, a sect of Turkish Jews that often hid their Judaism behind a Muslim front. Sadly, we really can't proclaim this mystery completely solved. More scholarly men than us have tried, and have failed. But there is no direct evidence that his ancestors were Jewish, so we'll go with ""Not a Jew"" until someone proves us wrong. So now we can return to a more solvable mystery: what the heck is Turkish Delight?","Not a Jew","Mahmoud Ahmadinejad| Muammar Gaddafi| Dario Moreno| The Turk| Sabbatai Zevi"
479,"Al Jolson",12,5,4,3,"We can talk about Al Jolson, the singer, the actor, the comedian. The first openly Jewish man to rise to star status in America. The trends Al set for many Jewish entertainers. The millions he contributed to various Jewish charities. But we can't. We have to talk about blackface. Ugh. Blackface, for the blissfully unaware, is the practice of performing in makeup used to imitate a black person. And Al Jolson was the master. Ugh. How exactly are we going to defend that one? Well, would you believe that Jolson wore blackface to honor his love for jazz, blues, and ragtime? That his most famed movie, ""The Jazz Singer"", attempted to fight racism by introducing white Americans to black music? That Jolson tried to help various African Americans get jobs on Broadway and in film? That he was ""the only white man allowed into an all-black nightclub in Harlem""? That he helped pave the way for Louis Armstrong, Duke Ellington, and others? So yeah, in the 80 years that passed blackface has become taboo. But how could have Al known that? He could have looked at himself in the mirror. Ugh. function loadPic() { swapPic; }","Jew","Louis Armstrong| Eddie Cantor| Harry Einstein| Marx Brothers| Fisher Stevens"
480,"Pointy-Haired Boss",5,1,3,1,"Have you ever had the feeling that your job is turning into ""Dilbert""? In meetings, company higher-ups talk about ""breaking the silos"", ""value propositions"", ""reconceptualizing"", ""core competency"", and ""synergy"". You do not get a raise, but instead are promised a bonus for meeting goals, and when those goals are met, the bonus is revoked. The company opens an offshore... No, no, no, no. Enough. We started this website to keep our mind OFF our job. So enough of that. It's an OK job, the hours are good. Whatever. And there's one major difference between our job and Dilbert: our boss doesn't have pointy hair. Which brings us to to... Which brings us to... Is Dilbert's Pointy-Haired Boss Jewish? Well, he does have hair that is found exclusively in Jews (Art Garfunkel, Larry from the Three Stooges). And, in the cartoon version, he was voiced by Larry Miller, who is a Jew. (But Dilbert himself was also voiced by a Jew, Daniel Stern, and Dilbert is not Jewish, so we really can't go by voice actors here.) And really, we have to be consistent. You see, PHB's brother is Stan, the ruler of Heck... AKA Satan. And we previously established that the Devil is not Jewish. So, since the two are siblings, let's say that the PHB is also not a Jew. For our own sake. Now, if we could only stop those voices of ""synergy""...","Not a Jew","Toby Flenderson| Art Garfunkel| Larry Miller| Daniel Stern| The Three Stooges"
481,"Chaim Soutine",13,4,5,4,"There are goyim named Abraham and Moses. We've lost our hold on Eli and Isaac. Levi, Herschel, Ruben... They are all gone. But we've still got Chaim. We'll always have Chaim. For, we're willing to bet, no goy would ever give their child that name. A hard CH? It's not happening. But what's this? The name is gaining in popularity? It is now in the top 1000 in the United States and steadily climbing? There were over 200 Chaims born in America last year? Those were all Jews... Right? Right? Please? Pretty please? Can we still have Chaim? But anyway, Chaim Soutine. Belarussian-born, French expressionist painter. Jew, of course.","Jew","Vladimir Baranov-Rossine| Marc Chagall| Chaim Herzog| Chaim Potok| Hyman Rickover"
482,"Rod Blagojevich",1,0,1,0,"You might have noticed that former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich has been in the news a lot lately. Something about attempting to sell Barack Obama's Senate seat and being impeached... Rod is not exactly a popular figure right now. Of course, with his transgressions becoming national news, a lot of news anchors are forced to pronounced his name. And... well, they find it difficult. That J throws them off. We're here to help. It's Bla-GOY-evich. Yeah, the emphasis is on GOY. Rod Blagojevich is not a Jew. He is Serbian/Bosnian ethnically and Eastern Orthodox religiously. (We will ignore absurd rumors of potential Jewish grandparents until someone finds actual, you know, proof.) But don't worry, fans of deposed Jewish governors! We'll always have Eliot Spitzer.","Not a Jew","George Allen| Sarah Palin| J. B. Pritzker| Edward Salomon| Eliot Spitzer"
483,"Sandra Bullock",5,0,1,4,"Who is the Queen of Jew or Not Jew? Whose name is searched the most, whose profile is read more than any other woman's? Scarlett Johansson would have been our guess. She is extremely popular, extremely beautiful, has a non-Jewish last name, but is a Jew. But no, it's not Scarlett. Natalie Portman? Who doesn't love Natalie Portman? Well, our readers do, but not enough for the #1 spot. Barbra Streisand? Please. Don't make us laugh. No. The Queen of Jew or Not Jew is... the subject of this very profile. Strange but true: you, the readers, have wondered if Sandra Bullock is Jewish more often than any other woman. And why would anyone think Sandra is Jewish? Well, a couple of reasons. First, her mother's name is Helga Meyer, but that last name is as likely to be ethnically German as it is Jewish. And considering Helga was born in Germany in 1942 and that Sandra used to go to Germany to celebrate Christmas, let's just say that the latter is quite, quite unlikely. Second, Bullock gave her adopted baby boy a bris. But there was nothing Jewish behind the act. She wanted to keep the adoption quiet, so they couldn't go to the hospital, and how else can you get a baby circumcised? Call a mohel, of course! Unless you want to do it yourself... Please, for the love of G-d, don't do it yourself! Not that we wouldn't mind having Miss Bullock. Especially the mid-90s version. But, sadly, we can no more go backward in time than we can claim her as a Jew. Even if she is our website's Queen.","Not a Jew","Jodie Foster| Scarlett Johansson| Julianne Moore| Natalie Portman| Barbra Streisand"
484,"Marty Schottenheimer",3,0,1,2,"If we had the opportunity to add to our roster of Jews one of the winningest coaches in NFL history, would we take it? On the first look, we would gladly welcome Marty Schottenheimer. He has turned around multiple franchises and is one of only six coaches to win 200 regular season games. But the key phrase is ""regular season"". When the games start to really matter, Schottenheimer falls flat on his face. None of his teams have reached the Super Bowl. In fact, the last four times he made the playoffs, his teams were huge favorites| and failed to win a single game. Of course, it's all academic since Schottenheimer is not Jewish but German. Whatever. We're just glad we'll never have to consider Jeff Fischer.","Not a Jew","Al Davis| Sid Gillman| Marv Levy| Ben Roethlisberger| Marc Trestman"
485,"Humpty Dumpty",4,0,0,4,"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Jews are known to pray next to a wall, not to sit on one. Besides, every Jewish mother would tell their child that sitting on the wall would be dangerous, it could only lead to... Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. THAT. See, if Humpty was Jewish and listened to his mother like all good Jewish children, he'd never gotten himself into this predicament. Speaking of which, who is Humpty's mother? A chicken? A duck? A goose makes a lot of sense... All the king's horses and all the king's men Couldn't put Humpty together again. The poem was written in England in 1810. Not exactly Jew Heaven. Napoleon is rising in Europe. It's highly, highly unlikely that the entire army of a nation came to aid a Jew. Possible? Maybe, if he was an important Jew, but no Jew held a high post in England at the time... Disraeli himself had to convert in order to rise to prominence. Now, is there something that we know about Humpty, not mentioned in the poem, that can be interpreted as Jewish? He is a philosopher, and we Jews do tend to overanalyze... Hmmm. Maybe his belt or cravat is really a tallis, and that's why no one can be sure what it is? We're reaching here. And at the end, it all just comes down to: He's an egg. He's edible.","Sadly, Not a Jew","Napoleon Bonaparte| Benjamin Disraeli| Nelson Goodman| Humpty Hump| Winnie-the-Pooh"
486,"Bob Kane",9,4,3,2,"Some words, in the right context, can be dangerous. You should never say the ""c"" word around a woman. Never use the ""n"" word about someone who is black. Creative people have a word, too| the ""h"" word — and just like the examples above, you should be very careful before you use it. If you've watched a Batman movie, you've probably seen ""Batman created by Bob Kane"" somewhere in the credits. This attribution, like Kane's anglicized name, is a tiny morsel of truth wrapped in a big steaming turd of falsehood. In 1939, when Superman first appeared, Kane was known as a cartoonist of, at best, derivative ideas and minimal talent. He glommed on to the new trend, created a hero with red tights and a domino mask and named him Batman. He then showed it to his sometime collaborator (and, yes, Jew) Bill Finger. And who is this Bill Finger, you ask? Oh, he's just the fellow who designed Batman's costume (the cowl, the cape, the color scheme), created his alter ego, and even invented Robin. In other words, Finger is the co-creator of Batman and just about anything you associate with the Dark Knight is Finger's, not Kane's. But Kane never gave Finger proper credit and, to this day is incorrectly attributed as Batman's sole creator. Further, though Kane's name is all over Batman comics from the 1930s to the 1960s, the artwork was done by someone else (a ""ghost"") who would then sign Kane's name. Meanwhile Kane himself, just like Batman's nemesis the Joker (another Finger creation), was laughing all the way to the bank. When you get right down to it, Kane didn't really do anything except fight tooth and nail to make sure that he got everything. And that gives him special enmity in our eyes. The ""h"" word is a dangerous thing to be throwing around. We of all people know full well to use such a weapon cautiously, sparingly. But in a case like this we have no problem saying it, repeating it, shouting it from the rooftops till the day we die: Bob Kane is a hack.","Sadly, a Jew","Batwoman| Stan Lee| Alvin Schwartz| The Spirit| Bruce Wayne"
487,"Benjamin of Tudela",13,5,4,4,"In grade school, we learned about Marco Polo. He brought spaghetti from Italy to China. And all the Italians in our class ran proudly to their parents to tell them about the great paesano. So how come we never learned about Benjamin of Tudela? The Navarerese rabbi predated Polo by over a century. He set off on a journey to the Holy Land, but took the long route, exploring the Arabian peninsula and North Africa. Upon his return, he documented his travels, describing the local customs, sites, and landmarks. So no, we can't claim Marco Polo. (Nor do we want to. Spaghetti? Big freaking deal!) Columbus is a reach. Magellan, da Gama, de Soto... No Jews there. But we'll gladly have the rabbi: he preceded them all. Now, if we could only change the grade school curriculum before our kids start learning.","Jew","Christopher Columbus| Gaspar da Gama| Ferdinand Magellan| Maimonides| Pedro Teixeira"
488,"Denny McLain",2,0,1,1,"Denny McLain tells a story about his Jewish mother who wouldn't let him sign with the Yankees because the team's representative had dirty shoes. So he signed with the White Sox instead and spent most of his career with Detroit. Denny McLain is angry with the Tigers now because they didn't invite him back for the anniversary of their World Series win in 1968, which was also the same year he became the last pitcher to win 30 or more games in a season. Denny McLain seems to have forgotten that in 1970 he was suspended from baseball for three months because of his gambling. And that later reports suggested that in 1967 a broken foot that cost him six starts had been caused by organized crime members looking for payment on gambling debts. And that his post-baseball career has been marred by further involvement with the mob and multiple arrests including imprisonment for drug trafficking and racketeering. Denny McLain is an idiot. And a liar.","Not a Jew","Ron Blomberg| Ralph Branca| Dock Ellis| Kyle Lobstein| Jim Palmer"
489,"Ginnifer Goodwin",9,3,3,3,"So, the wife got us into ""Big Love"" on HBO. Polygamy is so fascinatingly horrifying. Of course, as Jews we have polygamy in our blood. Even in Hebrew school, we were told the story of Laban pushing ugly Leah onto Jacob instead of the lovely Rachel... and no one baited an eyelash. Two wives? Big deal. Well, watching the show, it is a big deal. Multiple wives? Sometimes we wonder how we handle one. So, back to ""Big Love"". The show centers around a Mormon family, a seemingly normal family, except for the fact that the husband, played by Bill Paxton, has three wives: the eldest, played by Jeanne Tripplehorn, the bitchy, played by Chloe Sevigny, and the youngest, played by Ginnifer Goodwin. The Jewish Ginnifer Goodwin, that is. And played very convincingly, we might add. We guess it's in her blood as well.","Jew","Simon Bamberger| Orrin Hatch| Leah and Rachel| Keri Russell| Amanda Seyfried"
490,"Ronnie Stern",9,4,2,3,"In the National Hockey League, a team usually plays twelve forwards in a game. Those forwards are usually broken up into four lines. The first line has the team's best three players. The second line has the team's... second best three players. The third line has the team's best defensive players, and usually matches up against the opponent's first line. The fourth line has the scrubs. Well, let's rephrase that. It usually has two scrubs and a goon. The goon can't skate, plays at most five minutes a game, and scores an average of two goals a year... those goals coming off lucky bounces of their skates. Oh, and a mullet. The goon usually has a mullet. Why is the goon there? It's to pummel the other team's goon into smithereens. Yep, that's professional hockey. Go figure. Of course, such a goon seems very unlikely to be Jewish. But what do you know? Ronnie Stern, who spent 12 years dropping the gloves for the Vancouver Canucks, Calgary Flames, and San Jose Sharks, is a Jew. Go figure is right.","Jew","Michael Cammalleri| Jeff Halpern| Brett Hull| Bob Nystrom| Larry Zeidel"
491,"Arthur Miller",14,4,5,5,"We've really gotten to appreciate Arthur Miller. STOP! Says faithful reader. What do you mean... ""gotten to"". This is Arthur Miller! The man who bagged Marilyn Monroe, possibly the top shiksa of all time! The man who proved that smart Jewish boys can get that impossible dream girl! Don't worry, faithful reader. We've always appreciated Arthur Miller the man. It's Arthur Miller the playwright that we have newfound admiration for. You see, our first encounter with his works came in high school English and ""Death of a Salesman"". Can a bunch of bored teenagers really appreciate the poignancy of a story about the death of hope? High school is about youth and possibility, not dead ends and regrets. But as we've gotten older, and life has had its way with us, we've come to appreciate the emotional complexity of Miller's work and understand why Miller deserves our highest respect. On the other hand, Thornton Wilder and ""Our Town""? We still think that's lame.","Jew","Joseph Heller| Willy Loman| Marilyn Monroe| Neil Simon| Tom Stoppard"
492,"Rhea Perlman",12,4,5,3,"The similarities between Italians and Jews is sometimes startling. We share the immigrant experience, both groups arriving at Ellis Island in similar eras, settling in the same areas, and eventually migrating outward in similar patterns. Stereotypically, Jews and Italians are both known for loving food, for their overbearing parents, and for giving and receiving guilt by the bucketful. So we have a kind of natural affinity for each other, which probably helps to explain Rhea Perlman. Best known as molto-Italian Carla from the 80's TV classic Cheers, Rhea plays the role so well, she almost became the archetype in most minds for the no-nonsense Italian woman. But you've probably figured it out by now: Ms. Perlman (aka, Mrs. Danny DeVito) was raised by her two Jewish parents in Brooklyn, New York. Just more proof that when it comes to performing, it doesn't take much work to trade pastrami for pasta.","Jew","Ted Danson| Danny DeVito| Brad Garrett| Judd Hirsch| Andy Kaufman"
493,"Lenny Bruce",13,5,4,4,"Cocksucker. Look at that... we just opened this profile with a swear, for no apparent reason. Right now, our audience is dividing into two halves. One is thinking, ""what juvenile a-holes"", and leaving this website never to return again. Good fucking riddance. The other half is thinking, ""what's the big fucking deal"", and continuing to read in order to find out whether comedian Lenny Bruce was Jewish. Of course, we're not the first website to swear. Nor the last. Big fucking deal indeed. But when Lenny Bruce got on stage and let those swear words fly, big fucking deal it was. How big was it? In 1961, he was arresting for obscenity, for uttering that same word, ""cocksucker"", with which we opened the profile. What bullshit! Can you imagine that happening now? Boy, have we advanced as a people. Fuck yeah! Fuck... yeah?","Jew","Milton Berle| Shelley Berman| Rodney Dangerfield| Don Rickles| Mort Sahl"
494,"Mama Cass",9,4,2,3,"There's a reason Jews keep kosher. Non-kosher foods are inherently dangerous. And not just in the obvious, well known ways like trichinosis. No, the reality, if revealed to the world, would keep you up at night in a cold, treif-induced sweat. Well here's what they don't want you to know: An angry, uneaten fried shrimp can strip the flesh from your bones in a matter of minutes without so much as batting an eye. In the correct conditions, a mixture of beef and cheese can cause a chain reaction, exploding with the force of over 100 mouth-watering hydrogen bombs. Bacon, in it's pure form is 300 times more addictive than cigarettes and can cause short-term memory loss, serious physical impairment and, eventually, severe psychosis when ingested regularly. Oh sure, snicker all you want. We're sure singer Cass Elliot laughed too when she heard these ""legends"". But then who could forget how she died: choking on a ham sandwich. If treif can take a Jew as talented and well known as Cass, then none of us are safe. Of course, it turned out to be just a heart attack. But don't let that fool you. The Kosher Kurse is real.","Jew","Charles-Valentin Alkan| Art Garfunkel| Susanna Hoffs| Paul Simon| Peter Yarrow"
495,"Bess Myerson",11,4,4,3,"Ever since we set up the ""See Also"" links under each profile, the discussion of exactly who goes into that list has been heated. Ideally, we try to select profiles that are somehow related. Here's an example: Bess Myerson, the first Jewish Miss America, winning in in 1945. Who would she link to? The obvious one is Rina Messinger, the first (and only?) Jewish Miss Universe. Ed Koch, the former mayor of New York. Myerson served as New York City's Commissioner of Cultural Affairs under Koch, and the two were friends (or perhaps more than that?). And Winona Ryder... Why Winona Ryder? Well, in 1988, Myerson was arrested for shoplifting $44.07 in merchandise. Thus proving that though Miss America is a great honor, it's not exactly lucrative (seriously, she couldn't find $44 lying around the house?). If only every profile was this easy.","Jew","Louisa Benson Craig| Allen Funt| Ed Koch| Rina Messinger| Winona Ryder"
496,"Johnny Klebitz",9,4,3,2,"We know what you're thinking, how could we have possibly figured out that the star of the new expansion pack for Grand Theft Auto IV is Jewish? Well, for one, we have a crack team composed of hundreds of researchers slaving day and night, searching for any clue, any hint of possible Judaism. Further, we have patented a unique technique that allows us to trace any bloodline, even those of fictional characters who have no actual blood. Finally, we studied every aspect of Johnny's character, unearthing his hidden roots. All without having to sit down and actually play the game. Also, the character's name is Johnny ""The Jew"" Klebitz. So, you know, we kind of figured. Anyway, beyond discussions of ridiculous nicknames (""The Jew""? Really?), you'd think we'd be pretty thrilled to have Mr. Klebitz. After all, it wasn't so long ago that we were kvetching about the lack of digitized Hebrew heroes. And yet, now that we finally have one, he's a member of a biker gang (not even the gang leader mind you) who robs, assaults, and murders his way to the top (we're assuming. We haven't played the game. But it is GTA after all). A character that IGN described in a recent review as ""unlikeable"". Seriously, you have to work pretty hard to be considered unlikeable in the GTA universe where they might as well name every main character ""asshole."" But instead they named this one Johnny ""The Jew"" Klebitz and as much as we feel we must acknowledge that, well, we're pretty sure we can do better.","Jew","Commander Keen| Goblins| Professor Layton| Covetous Shen| Spike Spiegel"
497,"Matthew Broderick",9,3,2,4,"We've talked at length of shiksappeal, the desire of Jewish men for beautiful goyishe women. We've gotten us a few good ones, from Marilyn Monroe to Elizabeth Banks. The list is long. But does it work in reverse? We can call it yentappeal: the desire of goyishe men for Jewish women. Surely, there are some examples. Hmmmm. Well, let's take Sarah Jessica Parker. As Jews, we can't find her beautiful. But the goyim seem to disagree; she is definitely a sex symbol, to say the least. Yeah, it baffles the mind. And she is married to Matthew Broderick! Talk about Goy City! And they have been together for over a decade, such a rarity for Hollywood! So here it is, yentappeal! Not so fast. For Matthew himself is half-Jewish, on his mother's side. So much for that theory. Hmmmm. AHA! Parker might look 100% Jewish, but she is not; she is only half. So, perhaps Broderick's goy half lusts for her Jewish side (shiksappeal), and his Jewish half is enamored with her goyish one (yentappeal)? See, it all adds up!","Jew","Jennifer Grey| Nathan Lane| Marilyn Monroe| Robert Morse| Sarah Jessica Parker"
498,"Michael Dell",12,4,4,4,"If you've been to New York City, you've probably seen the multitude of electronics stores that run along its avenues. Those stores will sell you anything from batteries to radar detectors to laptops to orbital satellites. All for a LOW LOW PRICE. Oh, and here's a dirty secret: a lot of those stores are run by Jews. Why dirty? Well... Let's just say that you shouldn't expect anything you purchase in one of those stores to work well. Give it a week or two and your purchases will probably end up in the trash can. And these Jews can get away with this because by the time something goes wrong (and it will) their marks, er, tourists will be back in Iowa or Oklahoma and will never even attempt to return the crap they bought. Why are we discussing these rip-off artists when we should be discussing Michael Dell? Well, it's becoming disturbingly clear that Mr. Dell is turning into one of these fellow Jews. We're not here to tell our readers how to spend their money. But from personal experience, any Dell you purchase is not gonna last two years, tops. If that's fine with you, go ahead. If not, we advise you look for another brand. Just don't buy it in New York City.","Jew","Steve Ballmer| Crazy Eddie| Larry Ellison| Andrew Grove| Jack Tramiel"
499,"Jack Kirby",14,5,4,5,"Fantastic Four #511 finds Marvel's first family devastated by the events of recent issues. A battle with arch-enemy Dr. Doom has left them in tatters, physically and emotionally. Reed Richard's face is permanently, horribly scarred. Ben Grimm, the ever-loving blue-eyed Jew, is dead. Reed, in a last ditch attempt to bring his best friend back to life, uses his genius technology to take the team to, of all places, heaven. There, they meet their creator, literally in this case: Jack ""King"" Kirby. He fixes Reed's face with a flourish of his pencil. Brings Ben back to life. And promises them all a happy ending to their story. Then sends them back to Earth. And, for the large number of us that grew up with comics and grew to love them, that's pretty much Jack Kirby. Nothing as blasphemous as a god, but as a creator. A creator of characters and worlds (and in Kirby's case, whole universes) that each of us in our own way can inhabit and make our own. The essence of the creative exchange, really. Where ideas move beyond entertainment and into something more deeply meaningful. Inspirations. Hopes. Dreams. ""See the humanity in G-d,"" the fictional Kirby tells them. Leaving all of us to see the little fragments of divinity in humanity.","Jew","Neil Gaiman| Rene Goscinny| Bob Kane| Stan Lee| The Thing"
500,"Barbra Streisand",13,5,5,3,"Today is Friday the 13th, so let's talk about something really scary. Waaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy back when Jew or Not Jew was just beginning| and the site was written by highly evolved pterodactyls — we had a dilemma: The scores only really made sense if we could put them in context. What did a perfect score really mean? We needed to pick a shining example, a Jew above and beyond all other Jews who would represent anything and everything we could ever want. We chose Mel Brooks. But what if we hadn't? Certainly there were other options. And here's where things get truly terrifying. What if we chose Barbra Streisand? After all, to many people, Barbra represents the Jewish archetype more than any other famous person. The grating, nasal voice. The grand triumphal schnoz. Glitz. Glamor. Gevalt! We can only shudder at the result. The Musicians and Singers category would be 15 pages long. We'd spend our days debating a potential profile's Diva Quotient. Other renowned nostril caverns like Sarah Jessica Parker would see their scores shoot into the stratosphere. And poor poor Mel Brooks would be relegated to an afterthought: profile number 500 and a score of 13. Too much substance and not enough style for the Barbra Streisand JONJ. But, fortunately for all our sakes, we did no such thing. Those clever, charming, dedicated pterodactyls made the right choice way back when and it's one we follow to this day. Still, it's enough to give you nightmares for weeks, isn't it?","Jew","Fanny Brice| Josh Brolin| Mel Brooks| Elliott Gould| Isaac Bashevis Singer"
501,"Doctor Aybolit",11,3,3,5,"You gotta hand it to Russian children's authors and their... creativity. For example, there is a book entitled ""The Wizard of Emerald City"". It's about a girl who gets transported by a tornado to a magical land where she helps a scarecrow, a metal woodman, and a lion. There are falling houses, flying monkeys, unhygienic witches, and impostor wizards. Oh, and the girl's name is Ellie, not Dorothy. So that's different. And then there's the most beloved character in all of Russian children's literature, Doctor Aybolit. He talks to the animals, travels to Africa... Yep, it's Doctor Dolittle, alright! Except... Except that the author, Korney Chukovsky, did not blatantly rip off Hugh Lofting's Dolittle (and to be fair, the original credit was always given). Other than the framework, the stories are vastly different. (For example, in Chukovsky's story, the African chief does not desire to become white. Yeah, that happens in Doctor Dolittle. Look it up.) And, to finally make this discussion relevant to this website, Chukovsky was inspired to create Aybolit after meeting Zemach Shabad, a doctor from Vilnius, Lithuania... You guessed it, a Jew. Now, the Russian version of Pinocchio... Don't get us started.","Jew","Ostap Bender| Korney Chukovsky| Hottabych| Dr. Katz| Samuil Marshak"
502,"Jordan",5,2,2,1,"The English sure are a sophisticated bunch. Bowler hats. Five o'clock tea. Hedge mazes. Moral superiority. Every morning, the English gentleman wakes up, nods to his wife, walks his dog, then comes back home to his hot cup of coffee and his morning newspaper. And he opens that newspaper to the third page, and immerses himself in the world of topless women. Oh, England! The land of Dickens and Churchill, Austen and Darwin. The land of Danni and Keeley, Nicola and Zoe. And Jordan. How could we forget Jordan? The most famous Page 3 girl, she's risen from that page to become a major celebrity. And yes, she's a quarter Jewish| her mother's mother, which makes her a Halachical Jew. Of course, that's irrelevant to the English gentleman. As long as her Ds appear in all their glory, he's all set.","Borderline Jew","Winston Churchill| Samantha Fox| Jess Greenberg| Rupert Murdoch| Amy Winehouse"
503,"Debra Messing",12,5,4,3,"You may remember Miss Messing from her appearance as Beth on ""Seinfeld"", specifically for the following exchange: Beth: Hey, what do you call a doctor who fails out of med school? Jerry: What? Beth: A dentist. Jerry: That's a good one. Dentists. Beth: Yeah, who needs 'em? Not to mention the Blacks and the Jews. And yet, the woman is best known for playing the Jewish Grace on ""Will and Grace"", the wildly popular sitcom that introduced mainstream America to homosexuals and Megan Mullally (the latter's evil washing out whatever good the former's was). Messing is Jewish, and, because Messing insisted with the creators, Grace was Jewish too. So how do you reconcile that, Debra? Hm? Hey, we don't mind a little self-contradiction ourselves. After all, people pick on Jews and blacks all the time. But dentists? That's just begging for a root canal.","Jew","Harry Connick Jr.| Cary Elwes| Jami Gertz| Jerry Seinfeld| Tim Whatley"
504,"Sammy Davis Jr.",9,2,3,4,"We're proud of being Jews here at JONJ. You don't write over 500 profiles of Jews because you're kind of, sort of, maybe into being Jewish. And yet, if there's one thing we can't understand (actually, there are lots of things we can't understand, but bear with us) it's someone who isn't Jewish that chooses to be so. Seriously, who in their right mind looks and says: ""You know what? Thousands of years of prejudice, violence and misery with little end in sight sounds good to me. Sign me up!"" Oh sure, it's a great religion, wonderful culture, good sandwiches, yadda yadda yadda. And we've all been indoctrinated that there's nobility in being the underdog, the shlimazel done good. Heck, plenty of people marry in and we understand how that happens, too. But choosing this kind of inevitable heartbreak of your own accord? On purpose? That's just plain meshuggenah. So, do we welcome someone as famous and distinguished as Sammy Davis Jr. with open arms? Every day of the week and twice on shabbos. But do we understand his decision? Not even a little bit.","Jew","Joey Bishop| Nell Carter| Julio Iglesias| Little Richard| Frank Sinatra"
505,"Jerry Stiller",13,5,4,4,"On the Atlantic City Expressway, on the way in and out of the lesser city of sin, there is a large billboard advertising ""An Evening with Jerry Stiller"" featuring a photo of the man's face that's probably bigger than your car. Now, we like Jerry Stiller. Like him a lot actually. We're too young for his Stiller and Mears days, but we loved him on Seinfeld, heard he was good on King of Queens, and we're always interested in what this talented, funny, oh-so-Jewish actor is up to. But an evening? Really? With that ugly mug? Seriously, what does he do for three hours, yell at the crowd? Mr. Stiller, you are welcome in our living rooms any time. But at $120 a pop for three hours of G-d knows what, we're gonna have to pass. Thanks for the offer, though.","Jew","Jason Alexander| Estelle Harris| Anne Meara| Leah Remini| Ben Stiller"
506,"Arquette Siblings",8,3,2,3,"The Arquettes sure are a weird family. And we're not talking about the lesser-known sister that used to be an even lesser-known brother. We're talking about their parents: a Jewish mother and a father who converted to Islam. Can't really imagine that holiday table. But which Arquette do we profile? The oldest sister, Rosanna? What has she been in? She had that pretty cool small role in ""Pulp Fiction"" in the Uma Thurman overdose scene. But since then? Ummmm... The other sister, Patricia? She's on ""Medium"" now, which is a somewhat popular show. Wait... Are we sure that's not Daryl Hannah? Nope, definitely Patricia. Easy mistake to make. The brother, David? He's starred in... ugh... what? He is married to Courteney Cox, so that's not too shabby. And he once was the world heavyweight wrestling champion... World? Heavyweight? Really? Ummmm.... Why don't we just jumble the three of them together and call it a day. patricia = false; function flip() { patricia = !patricia; if (patricia) { memorize(); setImage('patricia_arquette'); setRatings(3, 2, 4); setTitle('Patricia Arquette'); setSubhead('<br>April 8, 1968 &mdash;'); } else { remember(); } }","Borderline Jew","Ellen Barkin| Neve Campbell| Daryl Hannah| The Wachowskis| Debra Winger"
507,"Georg Cantor",9,2,2,5,"We're not great at math here at JONJ. That's OK. We're good at other things, like figuring out Jews. Unfortunately this means we're only half-suited for explaining mathematician Georg Cantor. Per Wikipedia: Cantor established the importance of one-to-one correspondence between sets, defined infinite and well-ordered sets, and proved that the real numbers are ""more numerous"" than the natural numbers. In fact, Cantor's theorem implies the existence of an ""infinity of infinities"". Yeah, we have no clue what the heck they're talking about. But that's ok, because Cantor's Judaism is just as complex and that's right in our wheelhouse. Cantor sure sounds like a Jewish name and his Russian/German background seems to fit. Judaism even figures into his work: Cantor's choice of symbol for his cardinal numbers was a Hebrew aleph, a designation which is still used today. On the other hand, Cantor was raised Lutheran. Though Cantor referred to his paternal grandparents as ""Israelites,"" his father was educated at a Lutheran mission. No luck on the mother's side either, she was baptized Catholic. Sounds complex, but we can provide an easy solution. Cantor has Jewish roots on his father's side, though his grandparents clearly converted so Cantor wasn't raised that way. Jewish blood, no Jewish religion. Easy as pi. As for decrypting the mathematics part of this equation, well, we're sorry, but you're on your own.","Barely a Jew","Leonhard Euler| Benoit Mandelbrot| Hermann Minkowski| Emmy Noether| Grigory Perelman"
508,"Michael Rapaport",8,4,2,2,"Some Jewish actors, even the best ones, are often pigeonholed into roles. Say, you need a Jewish scholarly type: a professor or maybe a writer. You call Dustin Hoffman. Or you need a swarmy type: a lawyer or an agent. Then get Jeremy Piven on the phone. The goofy but lovable type, perfect to swipe that blond shiksa? That's Ben Stiller! But what if you want someone with... how do we say it... reduced mental capacity? An idiot, a dope, a nincompoop? Then you call Michael Rapaport. He's made a career of playing half-wits. Imbeciles. Blockheads. Morons. Shlemiels. Oh, and in ""Higher Learning"", he played a skinhead. See, sometimes it's better to be stuck playing numbskulls.","Sadly, a Jew","Dustin Hoffman| Danny McBride| Tim Blake Nelson| Jeremy Piven| Ben Stiller"
509,"Jean-Paul Sartre",8,1,2,5,"Is it possible to be an atheist Jew? Absolutely. There are countless examples of people who are Jewish ethnically but do not believe in G-d. We put ourselves sometimes in that category... especially when our favorite sports teams continue to lose. But is it possible to be a Jewish atheist? That seems a contradiction. For one cannot acquire Jewish ethnicity, and if one converts to Judaism, doesn't that stop them from being an atheist? A bit confusing, we know. But not much more confusing than the supposed Jewish conversion of French existentialist philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre. Sartre, who wasn't Jewish ethnically, was an atheist to the core. Supposedly, a month before his death, Sartre showed an interest in Judaism. But, from what we can gather, an interest is all that was; Sartre did not consider himself a Jew... he was just Jew-curious. Absurd? Confusing? Well, that's existentialism for you.","Sadly, Not a Jew","Jacques Derrida| Friedrich Nietzsche| Boris Pasternak| Marcel Proust| Baruch Spinoza"
510,"Reggie White",3,1,1,1,"In 1993, Reggie White got a message on his answering machine. ""Reggie, this is God,"" it said. ""Go to Green Bay."" White immediately signed with the Packers. No, it was not God reaching out to the 300-pound defensive lineman. It was Green Bay Packer coach Mike Holmgren. But White, be it from spirituality, stupidity, or both, took the message at its face value. For Reggie White was a very very spiritual man. ""The Minister of Defense"" he was called on the field, and an Evangelical minister he was off it. An Evangelical minister who found time to offend Asians and Latinos, Native Americans and homosexuals. But not Jews. Somehow Jews escaped White's stereotypical rants. For late in his life, he started to learn Hebrew so he could read the Torah in its original language. He wanted to study God's word. But did he want to become a Jew? Jew for Jesus, perhaps. But a full-fledged conversion? It wasn't happening. This is the man who said ""God will not ask me how many Pro Bowls I was in, He will ask me if I knew Jesus."" Just as well. We're not exactly clamoring for Evangelical ministers who think God leaves messages on their answering machine to join our ranks... no matter how many Pro Bowls they were in.","Not a Jew","Keith Bulluck| Ray Lewis| Aaron Rodgers| Moishe Rosen| Ron Wolf"
511,"Martin Scorsese",6,1,0,5,"Martin Scorsese really, really wanted to become a priest. He went to Catholic school. And seminary. And another Catholic school. And dreamed of attending Fordham, a Catholic university. But something happened. Young Martin discovered girls. Such as a life of a Catholic priest: girls are just not an option. So, when Fordham did not accept him, Martin had to ""settle"" for NYU, where he fell in love with film... and with Laraine Brennan, an Irish Jew. Soon, the two were married. Priesthood was now an afterthought. Laraine opened Martin's eyes, (quoting Les Keyser's biography of Scorsese) ""raising questions about religion, career versus domesticity, and severing connections to his past"". Out of that, one of the greatest filmmakers of all-time was born. Out of that, we got ""Taxi Driver"". And ""Raging Bull"". And ""Goodfellas"". And ""Gangs of New York"". And ""The Departed"". Oh sure, the two divorced six years after. And sure, Scorsese's next four wives have all been goyishe. And sure, he'll always consider himself Catholic. But where would he be without that yenta?","Sadly, Not a Jew","Woody Allen| Jordan Belfort| Daniel Day-Lewis| Robert De Niro| Harvey Keitel"
512,"Max Kellerman",10,4,4,2,"We've previously mentioned our disdain for ESPN's ""Around the Horn"". Sometimes, we tune in to ""Pardon the Interruption"" a little early, and are forced to sit through supposed journalists screaming at each other. The mute button comes in handy. It wasn't always like this. It used to be WORSE. For currently, ""Horn"" is hosted by Tony Reali, who, for all his faults, at least is not a smug jackass. Which is what the original host of the show, Max Kellerman, was. However, before ESPN decided that having cross-country shouting matches was a good idea, Kellerman was a rising star on the network. He was receiving universal praise as a boxing analyst, so ESPN tried to expand his role... And we got ""Horn"". Well, Kellerman got fired from that, went to Fox Sports and the even-more-unwatchable ego trip ""I, Max"", got fired from that, and is now trying to get back to the basics by doing boxing on HBO. Don't believe us how terrible he is? Well, let's let media critics have their say. ""Setting a new low."" (Sports Illustrated) ""Megalomanical, boorish, insecure, annoying."" (Chicago Tribune) ""Immensely unlikable."" (New York Times) ""Jewish."" (Jew or Not Jew) Sigh. (Editor's update, 2020: It's been over a decade since this was written, but it looks like Max grew as a person and a television host. Remove the sigh?)","Jew","Mickey Goldmill| Tony Kornheiser| Jake LaMotta| Steve Levy| Jim Rome"
513,"Phoebe Cates",11,4,3,4,"Whatever happened to Phoebe Cates since ""Fast Times at Ridgemont High""? Sure, there was ""Gremlins"", and then she married Kevin Kline, and... Nope, we got nothing. Even her career on IMDB.com has a glaring hole since the early 90s. Oh well. So we're just gonna point out that Cates has more than enough Jewish roots| her father was producer Joseph Katz, and she has some Jewish ancestry on her mother's side as well, mixed with some Chinese. And then we're gonna go back to ""Fast Times"" and re-live the iconic scene when Judge Reinhold watches Phoebe from his window, while she dives into a swimming pool, and... And... Sorry, trailed off for a minute. Who cares what happened with Phoebe Cates when we we'll always have that?","Jew","Amy Heckerling| Kevin Kline| Jennifer Jason Leigh| Bruno Mars| Sean Penn"
514,"Nate Silver",11,3,4,4,"It took a little longer than expected, but statistician/writer/Jew Nate Silver finally took a big step forward last year and joined the major leagues. A highly touted prospect out of Michigan, Silver has been mucking around the bush leagues of statistical baseball analysis with the wonks from Baseball Prospectus since 2004. Scouts had been impressed with his overall eye and projectability, rating his mathematic power a pure 80 on the scouting 20-80 scale. The statistics also bore out with a strong CPP (Correct Prediction Percentage) in the lower levels, but many felt that he needed to strengthen his secondary offerings. By 2008, most were predicting a solid season for Silver, but nothing like what actually happened. With his creation of the political prediction site FiveThirtyEight and his subsequent success in predicting the results of the 2008 presidential election, Silver shot into the stratosphere, appearing on such major media outlets as MSNBC, The Colbert Report, and the New York Times. By the end of the season, he had actually exceeded his 95th percentile JewCOTA projection (our proprietary software which allows us to predict the future success of Jews). Based on strong peripherals from previous seasons, we're projecting continued growth for Silver, especially if he can consolidate his earlier gains at the lower levels. Overall, we think he'll see a solid-to-remarkable improvement in his VORJ (Value Over Replacement Jew) over the next few seasons, pointing him toward a Hall of Fame career.","Borderline Jew","Sy Berger| Marvin Miller| Daniel Okrent| Pythagoras| Allan Roth"
515,"Diego Rivera",7,2,1,4,"As Jews, we like to keep some things simple. Like our names. We have a first name, a middle name, and a last name. The middle name often coincides with our Hebrew name. Sometimes it doesn't... so the Hebrew name gets thrown in somewhere. So four names tops. In the Hispanic world, four names is the bare minimum. Take renowned Mexican painter Diego Rivera. His full name is ""Diego Maria de la Concepcion Juan Nepomuceno Estanislao de la Rivera y Barrientos Acosta y Rodriguez"". Wow. Try saying that three times fast. That's ten names, with two each of ""de"", ""la"", and ""y"" thrown in. 16 words. Imagine that birth certificate. So it comes as a complete surprise that Rivera is actually part Jewish; his ancestors on his mother's side converted to Catholicism. All those names and they couldn't find room for one Schlomo?","Barely a Jew","Frida Kahlo| Vladimir Lenin| Leon Trotsky| Diego Velazquez| Pancho Villa"
516,"Liz Cho",9,3,3,3,"Have you noticed there are not that many Jewish anchorwomen out there? Surprising, isn't it? It shouldn't be that hard to find a pretty yenta with good diction. Yet here the TV stations are, Shiksa City. Well, Shiksa City with one footnote: for whatever reason, there are a lot of Asian anchorwomen. Here in New York, we have Kaity Tong on Channel 11, Liz Cho on Channel 7, Christina Park on Channel 5... Wait, let's backtrack a second. Liz Cho sure sounds Asian, but those big brown eyes don't necessarily look Asian... Aha! Korean father, Jewish mother, raised Jewish. Excellent. You can guess from whom we'll be getting our news from now on...","Jew","Juju Chang| Connie Chung| Veronica De La Cruz| Irv Gikofsky| Lee Goldberg"
517,"Winston Churchill",5,0,1,4,"Winston Churchill was part black? Winston Churchill was part American Indian? Winston Churchill was part Jewish? Not bloody likely. The rumor stems from an article that claims that Winston's mother, Jennie Jerome, was once called Jennie Jacobson. The article conveniently forgets that the Jeromes trace their lineage to Huguenot Timothy Jerome, who came to America in the early 18th century. (These are flimsy Jewish rumors. Convenient forgetfulness is the norm.) Winston Churchill was dyslexic? Winston Churchill was an alcoholic? Winston Churchill was born in a women's bathroom? Don't look at us, we're not the ones making these up!","Not a Jew","James Callaghan| David Cameron| Benjamin Disraeli| Joseph Stalin| Harry Truman"
518,"Fox Mulder",6,1,1,4,"Scully enters the basement of the FBI building in Washington DC. Fox Mulder reclines behind his desk, feet up. He is holding a small top in his left hand, examining it. Scully: Mulder, I came as soon as I got your message. What's going on? Mulder: I think I may have discovered another secret page from my family history, Scully. Scully: What is it? Your father was involved in an alien cover-up? Your mother was possessed by demons? Your uncle was a bigfoot? Mulder: No Scully, something far more unexpected. I think I may be Jewish. Scully: What? Mulder, that doesn't make any sense. Your mother's maiden name is Dutch. When we thought you were dead, you were buried in a Protestant ceremony. You even took me to church once. Mulder: I know I just... I feel this voice inside me... it's like, if we were just performers in a play, the person playing me is telling me I'm Jewish. Does that even make sense? Scully: Mulder... Mulder: Take a look at this. It's called a dreidel. I've been spinning it all day. But there's something odd about it. Mulder spins the top on his desk. It rolls and then topples onto the wood Mulder: See, Scully, gimel again. I think it's trying to tell me something. Scully: Oh, it's telling me something all right...","Sadly, Not a Jew","ALF| David Duchovny| Kang and Kodos| The Penguin| Zecharia Sitchin"
519,"ALF",1,0,0,1,"rating.innerHTML = '8'; rat1.innerHTML = '2'; rat2.innerHTML = '5'; rat3.innerHTML = '1'; ratTitle.innerHTML = 'Alien Score:'; banner.src = 'img/other/alf/alien-title.gif'; ratPic1.src = 'img/other/alf/alien-2.jpg'; ratPic2.src = 'img/other/alf/alien-5.jpg'; ratPic3.src = 'img/other/alf/alien-1.jpg'; a { color:#008000; } .border { background-color: #008000; } Attention Earth-Hebrews. We have infiltrated your precious Intertubes. We control the vertical. We control the horizontal. The diagonal is held by a multi-planetary corporation that we also control. Do not be alarmed. We are simply using this sophisticated and evolved Earth-rating device to communicate to you the following necessary information: The creature you know as ALF, the so-called Alien Life Form, is neither alien nor life form. We understand that this may be disconcerting to you. We too were momentarily confused by his realistic movements, his craving for Earth felines (they really are quite delicious), and his sophisticated (for a Human) humor. But alas it is not so. He is what you meat popsicles would refer to as a puppet: a particularly inventive mixture of cloth, plastic, and dead orangutan hair given the appearance of life by shoving a hand up it's tuchus. (And seriously, what the fuck is up with that?! But we digress.) Please do not associate this ignorant, human-loving boob as a member of our clearly superior, educated, syndicated-television-watching galactic community. We now return you to your regularly scheduled 1000-word treatise on Corey Haim. (However, on a completely unrelated note, you can be assured that the being you know as Yoda is definitely, totally, real.)","Not an Alien","Ted Danson| Kang and Kodos| Oscar the Grouch| Tomato| Yoda"
520,"Jeffrey Tambor",12,5,4,3,"On the left is actor Jeffrey Tambor, who you might know from ""The Larry Sanders Show"" or from ""Arrested Development"". On the right is Dr. Phil McGraw, who brainwashes poor housewives. Wait, are we sure? Tambor on the left and McGraw on the right? Let's double-check. Yep, that's correct. Here, let's switch the Tambor picture to a more current one. Much better. OK, where were we? Let's see... Jeffrey Tambor, Jew... Dr. Phil, not a Jew... No, something is not right. Let's switch back. Let's be honest; we miss the glorious mustache. Tambor now appears clean-shaven or sporting a beard, which seems to coincide with Dr. Phil coming into the limelight. So here's what we're gonna do. Bye, bye, Dr. Phil. Geez, if it was only so simple in real life. So yeah, where were we? Jeffrey Tambor, Jewish. Raised in a conservative household. Done and done. A mustache is a terrible thing to waste, isn't it? function loadPic() { setImage('tambor'); } function loadOrig() {setImage('j/jeffrey_tambor'); } function whack() { jackass.style.display='none'}","Jew","Jason Bateman| The Bluths| Larry Sanders| Garry Shandling| Jessica Walter"
521,"Sid Meier",6,0,1,5,"Like anything built to last, the nerd platform rests on four solid pillars. Now, to paraphrase Bill Maher, we're not saying that all nerds are Jewish, but all Jews are nerds. So one would expect to find Jews involved in the construction of each important support piece to the world of nerd-dom. And we do: Nerdy TV shows? Check. Star Trek, X-Files (Duchovny), Lost (Abrams). Nerdy fiction? Check. Asimov, Sagan, Chabon, Turtledove. (Nerdy would be redundant) Comics? Duh. Siegal and Shuster, Kane and Finger, Lee and Kirby. And the fourth pillar, of course, is video games in which there are... none?! How did this happen? Oh sure there must be some Jewish programmers out there, but famous ones? Ones whose names you'd know? Ummmmmm... well there's... what about... yeah, no. Even the ones that sound vaguely Jewish (and the ones we'd really really really really want) like the great Sid Meier are a no go (he's Lutheran). Sigh. Is this really too much to ask? Can we please get some Jews over on video games before the whole damn structure topples over?","Sadly, Not a Jew","Ralph Baer| John Kemeny| Michael Kogan| Steve Meretzky| Warren Spector"
522,"Samuel Pallache",11,5,2,4,"So now, when our own kids will ask us about becoming pirates, we'll be prepared. ""Sure, there were Jewish pirates,"" we'll say. ""But they usually don't end well. Lafitte, for instance, was killed when he tried to raid Spanish ships."" ""What about Samuel Pallache?"" our kids will ask. ""Who is Samuel Pallache?"" ""The 16th century Jewish-Moroccan pirate and spy! He even was a double agent, working for BOTH the Spanish and the Dutch! And he pirated along the Moroccan coast! And when he was arrested, the Dutch prince bailed him out, that's how important he was!"" ""Hmmm. Where did you learn about this Pallache?"" ""Well, JewOrNotJew.com, of course!"" Oh, those brilliant kids...","Jew","Israel Hands| Mata Hari| Moses Henriques| Jean Lafitte| Sinan Reis"
523,"Yoda",7,1,1,5,"""Welcome back to Jew or Not Jew Radio, 1818 on your AM dial, WJEW! Tonight we come to you LIVE from the swamps of Dagobah courtesy of Moile's Little Lightsabers! Moile's| you just can't get a cleaner cut. Our guest tonight is Jedi Master, Force Guru, and former Green Giant spokesperson, Master Yoda! ""Yoda! You seek Yoda!"" ""Yes, we just said that. So, Yoda, Yodameister, Yoda-reeno, let's get right down to it: are you Jewish?"" ""Why ask you this question? Jewish am I? The Force I believe in! Make it clear for you, I will."" ""Yes, making us float upside down. Very funny. We'll make this quick, then — no truth to the rumors that you were a bar mitzvah?"" ""Bar mitzvah I was NOT. Where hear such things, do you?"" ""Actually, we saw it on an episode of Futurama."" ""Yes. Many times have I watched that show. Very humorous it is. Confused me with Dr. Zoidberg, perhaps you have."" ""No, we checked into him. Jewish, he is not, er, he's not a Jew."" ""Happy to hear that am I. So annoying he is. An ambassador for your people, he is not."" ""Agreed. Well, sorry to have bothered you."" ""No problem it is. Very lonely am I. Stay to watch Desperate Housewives you will? One hot chicky that Teri Hatcher is."" ""Uhhhhhhhhhhh....""","Sadly, Not a Jew","Boba Fett| George Lucas| Frank Oz| Darth Vader| Watto"
524,"Ron Blomberg",12,5,4,3,"""And here I am using my legs like a sucker.""| Homer Simpson Jews are known for their smarts, not their reflexes. But former batsman Ron Blomberg managed to use both in forging a successful career. Taken with the very first pick of the 1967 draft by the New York Yankees, Ron Blomberg hit like a mensch but played like a schlemiel; never appearing in more than 100 games in one season due to assorted injuries. So Blomberg stopped using his muscles and used his guile, instead. If physical activity was keeping him from a career, then he would need a way to be an athlete without physical activities. Thus, with the help of the desperate-for-fans American League, the Designated Hitter was born, with Ron Blomberg, Designated Hebrew, in the inaugural spot. Of course, over 30 years later, the distinction is, at best, dubious (and possibly mortifying depending on your philosophical bent). But we're not here to celebrate such controversial decisions. Just the career of one pioneering Jew.","Jew","Lou Gehrig| Ralph Kiner| Denny McLain| Alex Rodriguez| Art Shamsky"
525,"Big Bad Wolf",7,2,2,3,"In Disney's ""Three Little Pigs"", Big Bad Wolf speaks with a Yiddish accent. Why? Well, you see, that's an interesting story. Once upon a time, there lived a family of wolves. Dr. Papa Wolf, D.D.S. worked long and hard every day to feed his family while Mama Wolf stayed home to raise their darling son Baruch Barak Wolf| B.B. for short. One Friday evening, the family got together for Shabbat dinner. ""Again with the gefilte fish!"", cried B.B. Wolf. ""Why can't we have pork, like the Foxes!"" ""Oy, genug with the Foxes,"" said Mama Wolf. ""I told you not to hang out with those verkachta goyim!"" ""But M.J. Fox tells me that bacon is soooo delicious!"" ""Would you listen to this, Papa? Your little boytschik is making me so meshuggenah with this I'm going to plotz."" Papa Wolf picked up his head from The Daily Vald. ""Stop your kvetching and listen to your mother,"" he said. And went back to his newspaper. B.B. Wolf was a good son. He wanted to make his Papa proud. So he took a bite of gefilte fish. It tasted AWFUL. The very next day, young B.B. saw three little pigs playing in the woods...","Borderline Jew","Betty Boop| Seven Dwarfs| The Genie| Olive Oyl| The Wolfman"
526,"Michael Landon",8,3,2,3,"Lately we've been thinking it's time to branch out and start writing for television. Here are a few of our more promising ideas for new series: Highway to Hanukah: Yonaton Smeldavitch is a young rabbinical student who travels the country working to earn his yarmulke by helping his fellow Jews. For instance, in one episode Yonaton encounters a young single mother who accidentally ate a steak on one of her dairy dishes, but lacks the money to replace the.... No? OK, how about this one? Little Shul on the Prairie: Chaim Ingelberg and his wife Chava raise their four daughters in the wilds of Minnesota during the late 1800s. They have many adventures taming the wild land, including episodes where they must explain to neighbors why they do not have horns, invite the Osage to Pesach dinner, form their own family klezmer... OK, not for you. No problem. Plenty of ideas in the sea. Howabout... Bonanza: Widower Ben Cartwrightstein and his three sons (Adam, Harry and Little Yakov) run a discount jewelery store on their ranch... What? Oh, fine. Whatever. Anyway, you get the point.","Jew","Broncho Billy Anderson| Charles Bronson| Kevin Costner| Hailee Steinfeld| Eli Wallach"
527,"Moses",14,5,4,5,"As far as Biblical figures go, we have a bone to pick with everyone from Adam to Jesus. There's one exception: Moses. Hard to nitpick Moses. Sure, he's the reason we have to eat matzah for the next week. But that's a small price to pay for Exodus. Exodus... Good times. So how could we deny Moses the perfect Jew Score? Let's start at the K (kvell). An obvious 5/5 here. Sure, his navigational skills were lacking once he got out of Egypt, and talking to firewood is a bit... eccentric, but we'll let it go. Seriously, Exodus... Good times. The I (internal) Score is clearly a 5/5 too. After all, Moses traces his roots all the way back to Abraham. Can't get more Jewish blood than that. So we get to the O (outside) Score. And here... yep, here we have to knock a point off perfection. You see, Moses wasn't exactly raised Jewish, with the Pharaoh as an adoptive father and all. Sure, for the rest of his life he was an exemplary Jew, but how can we give a perfect O Score to someone who didn't even know he was a Jew until he was an adult? Still, 14/15 is not too shabby. Now, it's no Mel Brooks, but then again, who is?","Jew","Aaron| Abraham| Mel Brooks| King David| Tharbis"
528,"Toby Flenderson",5,1,2,2,"One of the things that help to make ""The Office"" great is the amount of supplemental material that exists on the show's website. So, when we have an hour or two to kill at our job, we head over to watch deleted scenes, read Dunder-Mifflin's monthly newsletter, or browse through the now-sadly-closed Angela & Andy wedding registry. Among the goodies hides the Scranton branch's organizational chart, designed by Dwight. The chart actually made an appearance in an episode last year and meticulously details not only the office's hierarchy, but such important things as... sexual orientation and menstrual cycles. So what does Dwight have next to HR man's Toby Flenderson's name? The Star of David, with a question mark! Apparently, Dwight is not sure. Let's see if we can help him. For a while, there was not much to go on. The actor who plays Toby, Paul Lieberstein, is Jewish. That, of course, is not enough. In the episode where everyone talks about their religion, he does not speak. And ""Flenderson"" does not sound Jewish at all. So we were pretty much stumped. Until now. In a Season 5 episode, Toby mentions that he attended seminary. He even holds up a photo to prove it. So there goes our token Jew. We guess we'll have to settle for Jan Levinson.","Not a Jew","Steve Carell| Greg Daniels| Jenna Fischer| Michael Schur| Zach Woods"
529,"Gustav Mahler",10,4,2,4,"Looking at our Musicians and Singers category, one group is clearly missing. We got our pop, our folk, our rock-n-roll. We got our hair metal. Oh, have we ever got our hair metal. Even some punk. And Michael Bolton. We can't forget Michael Bolton, no matter how hard we try. What we don't have is a Jewish classical composer. And that's pretty obvious, when you think about it. Considering the effect and control the Catholic Church had over classical music until the 20th century, how could a Jew seep through? Gustav Mahler did, but had to convert to Catholicism to do so. And, perhaps underlining that conversion, his Symphony No. 2 does contain elements of Jewish folk music... but is known as ""Resurrection"". Oh well. We'll always have our hair metal...","Borderline Jew","Charles-Valentin Alkan| Michael Bolton| Sigmund Freud| Felix Mendelssohn| Anton Rubinstein"
530,"Helmut Schmidt",6,2,1,3,"When Barack Obama was elected President of the United States, the pundits applauded the populace. ""Only in America,"" they said, ""could a black man be elected president."" Meaning, of course, that nowhere else would a member of a previously oppressed minority be given a chance to lead the country. What would be the equivalent, Germany electing a Jew to be Chancellor? Like that will ever happen! Well, it did. OK, so Helmut Schmidt wasn't exactly of Jewish faith. He was raised Lutheran. And he wasn't exactly of pure Jewish blood. His father's father was a Jew, but that was kept secret. Nevertheless, a Jew was in power in Germany from 1974 to 1982. Take that, pundits!","Barely a Jew","Jan Fischer| Bruno Kreisky| Angela Merkel| Florian Schneider| Manfred von Richthofen"
531,"Carl Sagan",13,4,4,5,"Sometimes, at night, we venture outside and look up at the sky. And ponder. What's behind at all? An old man with a beard? Unlikely. An old woman with a beard? Unlikely and scary. But then what? The Big Bang is a nice enough idea, but what came before the Big Bang? A Bigger Bang? And before that? A Biggest Bang? And before that? At that point, we sigh, tell ourselves that smarter men have failed to figure this out, and go back inside to our loving family. After all, there are more important things to worry about. Like what's for dinner tomorrow night.","Jew","Isaac Asimov| William Herschel| Stanislaw Lem| Marvin Minsky| Arkady and Boris Strugatsky"
532,"Alan Rickman",5,0,2,3,"We have a problem. We really like Alan Rickman, especially when he's playing a villain. From ""Die Hard"" to ""Robin Hood"" to ""Dogma"" to ""Harry Potter"". Even ""Love Actually"". Yeah, we admit it. We liked ""Love Actually"", and we liked Alan Rickman in it. You have a problem with that? Actually, it seems like a lot Jews DO have a problem with it. Here are the following descriptions of Rickman by our fellow Jews: ""Anti-semite."" ""Douchebag."" ""Channeling his inner Hitler."" And why? Apparently Rickman wrote, directed, and produced a one-woman play that is supposedly anti-Israeli, which leads to it obviously being anti-semitic, which leads to it being the worst thing since Mein Kampf. Ugh. We haven't seen the play, nor are we planning to. And we could spend the next decade discussing how being critical of Israel is not exactly the same as being anti-semitic. But... Well, we can't help but be a little let down. It seems we only really liked Rickman when he was a fictional villain instead of a real-life one.","Not a Jew","Helena Bonham Carter| Stephen Fry| Jason Isaacs| Daniel Radcliffe| Severus Snape"
533,"Franz Kafka",13,5,3,5,"We were recently having a conversation with an acquaintance about profiling Franz Kafka. ""Interesting,"" we were told. ""Kafka. Isn't that a little... too deep for you? Don't you profile High School Musical actors?"" ""Sometimes,"" we replied. ""But we profile useful members of society as well."" ""I wouldn't know. I haven't been back to your site ever since you profiled that Ashley... what's her name?"" ""Ashley Tisdale?"" ""That's right. So, how are you going to profile Kafka? Are you going to point out the Jewish themes in The Trial or The Castle? Perhaps you're gonna state that Gregor Samsa of The Metamorphosis is a Jew?"" ""Well... Ummmm..."" ""You've read Kafka, haven't you?"" ""Ummmm...... You know, it's not like we watched High School Musical either. I guess we'd talk about Kafka's Jewish upbringing, how it wasn't religious but cultural or spiritual. Or how he wanted to move to Palestine, and studied Hebrew..."" ""Where did you get all that? Let me guess! Wikipedia?"" ""Ummmm....."" At that point, the acquaintance turned away from us. ""Can you believe these guys?"" He told someone else. ""Kafka! They think they can talk about Kafka... Without reading him!"" Ugh. What a jackass.","Jew","Jorge Luis Borges| Max Brod| Vladimir Nabokov| Marcel Proust| Ashley Tisdale"
534,"Nathan Lane",5,0,2,3,"Last year's mostly-overlooked, but mostly-funny movie, ""How to Lose Friends and Alienate People"", centers around Sidney Young, a celebrity reporter. His first assignment involves interviewing a Broadway star, during which Sidney learns two things: you don't ask anyone from Broadway if they're gay... or if they're Jewish. ""Just assume they're both,"" his boss says. Hollywood hilarity? Not quite. For ""How to Lose Friends"" is autobiographical, and Sidney is based on British journalist Toby Young, who asked those two questions of one of Broadway's biggest stars, Nathan Lane. Lane was so thrown back, he answered ""yes"" to being Jewish and stormed out when asked if he was gay. Well, to set the record straight, Lane is definitely gay, and he is definitely NOT Jewish. At last, there's something that's considered more embarrassing and publicly inappropriate than being Jewish! That's good, right? Right?","Not a Jew","Max Bialystock| Matthew Broderick| Joel Grey| Stephen Sondheim| Timon"
535,"Bruce Wayne",7,1,1,5,"Things are bad all over for the rich and powerful these days. Money-men like Sheldon Adelson| who we once profiled as the richest Jew in the world — seem closer to bankruptcy than bonanza. Bernie Madoff is in prison. And Bruce Wayne? Well, he's dead. But rather than mourn the eccentric playboy, people are spreading lies about him and his supposed ""secret identity."" They say he leads a ""mysterious double life."" That his outer appearance was just a ""shell, a false front."" That something in his family history caused him to live two lives — the ladies man and bon vivant we all know and something else... darker, less appropriate to the public eye. Yes, it should be clear by now what these muckrakers are implying: that Bruce Wayne was Jewish. Well color us unconvinced. Does the name Bruce Wayne sound generic whitebread enough to be that of a converso? Sure. But so does Metropolis' mild mannered reporter Clark Kent or New York's own photog Peter Parker and they certainly aren't hiding anything. Look, no one would want this to be true more than us. But clearly, this is just another attempt to attach some unsubstantiated falsehood to the Wayne name. Heck, it's no more ridiculous than all those rumors claiming that Bruce Wayne is secretly Batman.","Sadly, Not a Jew","George Clooney| Bob Kane| Michael Keaton| Val Kilmer| The Penguin"
536,"Larry Ellison",10,3,3,4,"So, as we recently mentioned, Sheldon Adelson, who recently was the richest Jew in the world, holds that title no longer. The Las Vegas developer's net worth has fallen from 26 billion to barely over three... Shed a tear for him, gentle reader. So who is currently holding that all-important title? Coming in fourth overall on the world's richest list, it's Oracle founder and CEO Larry Ellison! Larry's adoptive father was a Russian Jew who tried to hide his roots by changing his last name to Ellison when he came to America. Larry is currently worth $22.5 billion. But seeing the way the world's economy is behaving, the key word here is ""currently"", of course. In other words, we're betting this topic will have to be revisited sooner rather than later. Hmmmm. Can't we just get Bill Gates to convert to Judaism and call it a day?","Jew","Sheldon Adelson| Mark Cuban| Michael Dell| Bill Gates| Elon Musk"
537,"Amanda Bynes",8,3,3,2,"Young Amanda Bynes is half Jewish, half Catholic, and says about religion that ""I haven't decided yet"". So, we're here to help out! CatholicsJewsReligion LeaderThe popeNoneAdvantage: Jews. Go to G-d. Go directly to G-d. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.Biggest DisasterThe Irish Potato FamineBarbra StreisandAdvantage: Catholics. Not even close.Spring HolidayEasterPassoverAdvantage: Jews. Marshmallow peeps taste like cardboard. Plus, have you seen what the goyim wear on Easter? Sheesh.Winter HolidayChristmasChanukahAdvantage: Push. Sure, Christmas is celebrated by millions, has become synonymous with happiness in American culture and has tons and tons of gifts but Chanukah has... something... we think...CrackersCommunion WafersMatzahAdvantage: No one. Because when we eat crackers, no one wins.MadonnaMother of JesusWanna-be JewAdvantage: Catholics. Sigh. You're welcome to take her back now, by the way.Sunday School TeachersNuns with RulersCantors with GuitarsAdvantage: Jews. To be fair, the nuns with rulers are only slightly more painful, but it's enough.Church or Temple LeaderPriestRabbiAdvantage: Jews. Well, it's pretty close, but at the end it's abundantly clear that... What's this? Amanda has already described herself as Jewish? That's great, except... Now what are we going to do with our wonderful chart!?","Borderline Jew","Pope John Paul II| Madonna| Mandy Moore| Barbra Streisand| Ashley Tisdale"
538,"Amy Fisher",4,3,1,0,"Have you wondered what Amy Fisher, the so-called Long Island Lolita, has been up to ever since she shot the wife of her boyfriend in the face? Oh, we know you haven't, but since we have acquired this incredibly useless knowledge, we have no choice but to share it with you. She spent seven years in jail. She married a guy twice her age. Her husband released a sex tape. She fought the release of that sex tape. She released an adult film. She started a porn website. Aren't you glad that you know all of that now! Would you like to learn more about Amy? No? Then feel free to skip over the next bullet. She is half Jewish. Sometimes it's better not knowing...","Borderline Jew","Drew Barrymore| Marcia Clark| Ruth Eisemann-Schier| Heidi Fleiss| Roman Polanski"
539,"Thomas Jefferson",6,0,1,5,"A couple of years ago, researches tried to figure out if Thomas Jefferson had any children with his slave-turned-mistress, Sally Hemings. So they took some DNA from a Jefferson descendant, some from a Hemings descendant, and came up with an astonishing result. Oh, we don't know if the DNAs were a match. We skimmed over that part. Honestly, how could we be concerned with a Founding Father doing the hokey-pokey with a black woman, when far important revelations were uncovered. Thomas Jefferson was a Jew. Not exactly: Thomas Jefferson might have been a Jew. Not exactly: Thomas Jefferson's ancestor might have been a Jew. Not exactly: Thomas Jefferson's ancestor might have come from the Middle East. That's... still something, right? No? Rats.","Sadly, Not a Jew","John Adams| Dwight Eisenhower| Alexander Hamilton| Abraham Lincoln| Franklin Roosevelt"
540,"Roman Polanski",7,3,3,1,"Roman Polanski won the Best Director Oscar for ""The Pianist"", a film about the Warsaw Ghetto. Roman Polanski's father was a Polish Jew, and he himself survived World War II in the ghetto, in Krakow. So you would think we would welcome him with open arms and give him a super-high Jew Score? Of course, you wouldn't. Yes, that event might have happened 30 years ago, but Polanski did drug and rape someone. A 13-year-old. No Holocaust movies will ever salvage that. Nor do they have to; to survive the War, Polanski was forced to grow up as a Catholic. Now, normally we would be up in arms against such a thing, but in this case... He drugged and raped a 13-year-old.","Borderline Jew","Olivier Assayas| Adrien Brody| Agnieszka Holland| Stanley Kubrick| Dominique Strauss-Kahn"
541,"John Monash",11,4,2,5,"In the Norman Schwarzkopf profile, we mentioned that there are not that many famous Jewish generals. In the Rupert Murdoch profile, we mentioned that there are not that many prominent Australian Jews. So one would assume that it would be impossible to find a prominent famous Australian Jewish general. Yet here we are. John Monash, whose parents were Prussian immigrants to Australia, was a brilliant military tactician, who fought for the Allies during World War I. What's more, he was the first person to be knighted on the battlefield in over 300 years. That'll teach us to make broad statements. Maybe that elusive Eskimo Jew will finally be found?","Jew","John Baker| Isaac Isaacs| Rupert Murdoch| Maurice Rose| Norman Schwarzkopf"
542,"Vince Shlomi",7,4,2,1,"It's the morning of Simchat Torah and lo and behold, you forgot to roll your Torah back to the beginning for evening services. Rolling by hand could take days. Not mention the horrible wrist pain from repetitive turning. Well worry no more with the Amazing Torah Roller. Look at this, just slide the Torah in and| BOOM rolled to the start in seconds and not a smudged holy letter. Made in Israel — you better believe those guys know their Torahs — the Amazing Torah Roller works at home, at the shul, or even on a holy night out on the town with the boys. Want to call up a certain section? Let's do this right here — watch this Mr. Camera: Place and roll — BAM! There's Leviticus. I'm so convinced, so sure that you're gonna love this product that I'm going to throw in a little something extra: The All-Purpose Extending Yad. No more losing your place during an important aliyah. No more painful reaching for text. The All-Purpose Extending Yad is made from the finest, rabbinically-evaluated aluminum and can reach a length of over three feet! And I'm gonna give you the whole thing, the Amazing Torah Roller and the All-Purpose Extending Yad for $19.95. That's right, a $60 value for the modern equivalent of two zuzim. You just can't beat this amazing deal. Call now!","Sadly, a Jew","Uri Geller| Lori Greiner| Pee-Wee Herman| Dean Kamen| Ron Popeil"
543,"Taylor Mays",8,3,2,3,"Dear Jewish college students, Today, as an experiment, please call your mother and tell her you're dropping out of school. There will be some crying and screaming. We guarantee that the words ""over my dead body"" will be used. At the end of the call, she'll be telling you to expect her tomorrow, as she will be moving into your dorm room. So here we have USC defensive back Taylor Mays, regarded as one of the best prospects in the country. He could have declared for the 2009 NFL Draft, where he was certain to be a first round pick. He could have made millions. But no. He stayed in college, postponing his dreams for a year so he could graduate. And with a Jewish mother, does that come as a surprise at all? (Please note: JONJ is not responsible for your children dropping out of school. Don't write to us, dear Jewish mothers. Please. Dealing with our own mothers is hard enough.)","Jew","A. J. Dillon| Abe Markowitz| Ed Newman| Sophie Okonedo| Josh Rosen"
544,"Pancho Villa",5,1,1,3,"If you ever visit El Paso, Texas, you can stop by Dave's Pawn Shop, and, for the small price of $9,500, buy Pancho Villa's trigger finger. That price a tad too much? Well, there's also one for sale in Europe, for a tidy $250. Can't go wrong there. Of course, it's quite possible (but don't tell that to the delusional Texan or European who's about to open his wallet to purchase his own decrepit piece of Mexican history), that neither of these fingers was once Pancho Villa's. For Villa's death, as was his life, is shrouded in various mysteries. And one of these mysteries deals with Pancho's heritage, including a new theory that (you guessed it!) Villa was Jewish. The theory says that Pancho's father was not Agustin Arango, but rather Luis Gurrola, a wealthy landowner of Austurian Jewish origin. But that's just a theory... One of many. Now, the whereabouts of his skull? No one knows for sure, but we'll happily sell it to you for $500.","Not a Jew","Barnabas| Jonathan Bornstein| Edward James Olmos| Diego Rivera| Claudia Sheinbaum"
545,"Jeff Goldblum",13,4,5,4,"It's time for another installment of our ""Ask Jew or Not Jew"" feature, where young readers write in for advice. Here's a letter we recently received. Dear Jew or Not Jew, I just got prescribed glasses. They make me look like such a NERD! Girls will never talk to me... Please help!!!| Aaron Rubinstein, 13, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Dear Aaron, Who says looking like a nerd is so bad? Look at actor Jeff Goldblum; whenever he puts on those thick black-rimmed glasses, he either figures out how to defeat dinosaurs or save the world (""Independence Day""). Take the glasses away, and he either mutates himself (""The Fly""), or stars in unwatchable dreck (""Holy Man""). As for girls never talking to you... well, Goldblum did get Geena Davis, but we're pretty sure he did not wear glasses back then. So... ummm... we'll get back to you on that one. Yours in prescription eyewear, Jew or Not Jew.","Jew","Fred Astaire| David Cronenberg| Judd Hirsch| Dustin Hoffman| Gertrude Stein"
546,"Wade Boggs",3,0,0,3,"Superstition is a funny thing. All of us have little things we do| little quirks really. Avoiding cracks on the sidewalk. Always tying your right shoe first. Never saying the word. These things probably won't have any effect on our lives, but we still do them and feel good about doing them and really there's nothing wrong with doing that. Unless, of course, you go too far. And you really can go too far — to that place where superstition transforms to obsession. Case in point, hit/mustache king Wade Boggs of the Red Sox, Yankees and Tampa Bay Stink Fish. Boggs didn't just border on the obsessive: he moved in with it, married it and it raised its children. His little pre-game rituals included such gems as: A bucket of fried chicken before every game. Specific exercises at specific times of day (7:17, time for wind sprints!) Drawing a Chai in the ground with his bat before every at bat. We don't know why he did these things, but we can guarantee none of them helped. Fried chicken is no better for athletes than little chocolate donuts. Exercises are just as valuable at 7:18 as they are at 7:17. And drawing Hebrew symbols certainly have never helped the Jews, so it's unlikely they did much for such a super-goy as Boggs. Maybe if he ate a beef brisket before every game. But we digress. Boggs wasn't making himself a better hitter or controlling the inherent randomness of the quantum universe, or currying favor with G-d in order to gain a steadier diet of meatballs from the opposing pitcher. He was just a man, overwhelmed by the constant pressure and stress that is endemic to his chosen career and looking for some way, however bizarre, to control it all. And that's something all of us can understand.","Not a Jew","David Cone| Harry Frazee| Mike Mussina| Mr. T| Ben Zobrist"
547,"Charles-Valentin Alkan",13,5,4,4,"We love our readers here at JONJ. Soon after we profiled Gustav Mahler, mentioning that there are very few Jewish classical composers, our email and suggestion box was flooded with dozens of names that proved the opposite. So we'll admit it now. We haven't profiled any Jewish classical composers prior to Mahler because there aren't any. It's because they are boring. Honestly, the life of a classical musician does not exactly inspire us to write a profile. Boy is born in a Jewish family, boy is forced to play violin, boy becomes virtuoso composer, thousands get bored at concert. Yawn. So in the case of French Jewish classical composer Charles-Valentin Alkan, it is his death that is inspiring this profile. For Alkan, who spent a large part of his life as a hermit, was supposedly killed when he reached for a Talmud located on a high shelf and a bookcase fell on top of him. Killed by his own Judaism. Imagine that. And gefilte fish wasn't even involved. Well... that story of his death turns out not to be exactly true, but at least it gives us a Jewish, not converted, pre-20th century, classical composer. We hope our readers are happy.","Jew","Gustav Mahler| Giacomo Meyerbeer| Anton Rubinstein| Arnold Schoenberg| Johann Strauss"
548,"Captain Underpants",9,3,3,3,"We've got our staple of Jewish superheroes. The Thing. Kitty Pryde. The Hebrew Hammer. Captain Underpants? For those who are not familiar with the series, Captain Underpants is a children's superhero whose costume consists of... underpants. And a red cape. Can't forget the cape. So, what makes the Captain possibly Jewish? Well, in one of the books, he is supposed to marry Miss Ribble. The ceremony is conducted by a rabbi. Underpants, in his regular guise as Benny Krupp, is shown wearing a yarmulke. So, since that's the only instance to hint at the Captain's religion, is that enough for a Jew verdict? Let's analyze. Wearing a yarmulke at a wedding does not necessarily make one Jewish (see ""Goodfellas"": Henry Hill wears a yarmulke. He is not Jewish; his wife-to-be, Karen, is). So, in theory, it might be the Wicked Wedgie Woman who is a Jew here. ""Tara Ribble"" sure doesn't sound Jewish, but there's no evidence either way. And, speaking of names, the Captain's real name is the only other thing we can analyze here. ""Benjamin"" is Jewish enough (although obviously not exclusive), but the last name ""Krupp"" is clearly German, not Jewish (hockey player Uwe Krupp comes to mind). So the most the Captain could be as half Jewish, on the mother's side. Unless his father converted, of course. But, on the other hand, he IS called Captain Underpants and that's just too cool to deny completely.","Borderline Jew","Kronk Pepikrankenitz| Kitty Pryde| The Thing| Lord Zedd| Ziggy"
549,"Paul McCartney",6,1,0,5,"Who are the McJews? No, they're not the new kosher sandwich from McDonald's: they are the rarest of the rare. They are the Jews with a ""Mc"" in front of their last names. Good luck finding one. Lord knows we've tried, and all we've found is a leprechaun, a unicorn, and some crappy school for wizards in North Scotland. What a damned waste. Until now. What makes us think Paul McCartney might be Jewish? It's not because he was secretly born Pincus Martz or anything random like that. It's that he raised his children Jewish. So is the Walrus, the Jew? Not so much. It's his first wife, Linda Eastman, who became a McJew when she married Paul. And that's who raised the children| Heather, Mary, Stella, and James — to live and let daven. As for Paul himself, alas, he didn't convert. But when it came time for a new wife? Nancy Shevell, another Jew. So what about O'Jews? Yeah, still looking for that one. But if someone needs a spare leprechaun, you let us know, K?","Sadly, Not a Jew","Peggy Lipton| Stella McCartney| Ewan McGregor| Des O'Connor| Ringo Starr"
550,"Gollum",3,0,2,1,"Lord of the Rings was written during the Second Word War and many people have come to see the epic trilogy as an allegory for the war. If that's the case (it's not) then the inevitable question (for this website anyway) is, who are the Jews? Dwarves? No. Elves? Possible, but unlikely. They're in the process of leaving Middle Earth forever which might fit with what happened (sort of), but Jews don't live in trees. Not even on Sukkot. Men (Humans) are also intriguing. They are the ones most threatened by Sauron's evil. There's a happier ending than the elves, too| after saying that the age of man is over, it is men who eventually become the most prominent power in the realms. That's also the problem: it didn't exactly happen that way, either. That leaves Hobbits: little, bearded, food-obsessed, peaceful people? Well if the yarmulke fits... Plus, in the books (cut completely from the movies) Hobbiton is more endangered, including an ending where Frodo must kick the evil Saruman out of his homelands. And that (finally) leads us to Gollum, because Gollum once was a Hobbit, too. So, following all this twisty-turny logic would make him Jewish as well — justifying all those bigots who think that any obsession with the inanimate makes someone Jewish. So, is that it? Are Frodo, Samwise, Gollum and the rest of the hairy-footed gang really Jews in disguise? Perhaps. But only if you believe that Lord of the Rings is supposed to be about World War II (and it's not).","Not a Jew","Sean Astin| Orlando Bloom| Gimli| Elijah Wood| Yoda"
551,"Maria Sharapova",4,0,0,4,"So, we're gonna profile a female tennis player. Who should it be? Perhaps Shahar Peer, the highly-ranked Israeli who was recently denied a visa to play in the Dubai Open? Or Hungarian Zsuzsa Kormoczy, the only openly Jewish woman to win a Grand Slam title? No... We're gonna profile Maria Sharapova. Oh, Maria is not Jewish. That cross around her neck should erase any doubts. But she recently did purchase an apartment in Israel... Why would she do that? To get closer to the Holy Land? Doubtful. To make a wise real estate investment? In this economy? To covert to Judaism? Unlikely, and you don't need to move to Israel to do that (her primary residence in Florida, after all). Perhaps, to settle with a nice Jewish boy? (Don't worry, honey, she's too tall for us.) We wouldn't bet on it. Then why? To get profiled on Jew or Not Jew? No? Maybe? Let us indulge in this fantasy, OK?","Sadly, Not a Jew","Camila Giorgi| Helen Jacobs| Sofia Kenin| Zsuzsa Kormoczy| Anna Smashnova"
552,"Colin Powell",6,1,1,4,"In his autobiography, Colin Powell claims to have distant Jewish ancestry. So that's nice. We'll take his word for it. That being said, how are we going to profile him? We can talk about our surprise that he turns out to be a tad Jewish, but we've done that too many times to mention. We can discuss his rather peculiar ability to speak Yiddish, but we already did that. A detour into our disdain for the Bush presidency? (Ari Fleischer, etc, etc.) Since Powell's parents were Jamaican immigrants, something about Jews and Jamaica? Done that too (Bob Marley, mon). The lack of Jewish generals? Crossed that bridge already (Norman Schwarzkopf). Complaining about our inability to profile someone? We haven't done that one yet, right? We have? Crap.","Barely a Jew","Antony Blinken| Michael Caine| Henry Kissinger| Bob Marley| Norman Schwarzkopf"
553,"James Franco",9,3,3,3,"We used to think that James Franco was just a pretty boy actor, another young wannabe destined to fizzle out. But then, something happened. First, he was the best part of the somewhat regrettable ""Pineapple Express"", playing a Jewish stoner. Then, he started to take on meaty roles, such as in ""Milk"" and ""127 Hours"". And then, he completely went off the rails, starred in a soap opera, did performance art, posed in drag, and hosted the Oscars in such a way that led many to question if he was permanently stoned in real life as well. So is he a pretty boy, batshit crazy, or... just wickedly smart? For Franco has a Masters from Columbia and is doing his PhD in English and Yale. For all his stunts seem to have a mischievous undertone. And if it's the latter, can we take seriously anything he says or does? For example, when he claims he wants a Spider-Man themed bar mitzvah (remember, he was the Harry Osborn in ""Spider-Man"" films) to make up for lost time (he wasn't raised Jewish, but is Halachically so), is he just pulling our leg? Or would his bar mitzvah be another performance art piece, with him winking at the world from behind the Torah? Hmmm. We'd actually like to see that.","Jew","Judd Apatow| Dave Franco| Seth Rogen| Paul Rudd| Jason Segel"
554,"Ayelet Zurer",12,5,4,3,"Why, in the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit did we read ""Angels and Demons""? ""The Da Vinci Yawn, er Code"" should have taught us our lesson. After an early passage described main character Robert Langdon as a handsomer Harrison Ford, we kinda just switched off. But the chapters were short. So that was something. But like the literary lemmings we are, we decided to pick up the prequel cause... well, we don't know why. Gluttons for mediocrity, apparently. And, as such, we weren't disappointed. It's not a masterpiece by any stretch of the imagination, but it's not like we're going to be emotionally scarred by the experience. Still, we have no interest in seeing it again now that it has emerged from its paper chrysalis as a full-fledged summer blockbuster. Not even when the part of Langdon's love interest (the Italian Vittoria Vetra) is played by Israeli actress (and Jew, duh) Ayelet Zurer. Now, admittedly, there have been some changes from the book. Camerlengo Ventresca is now Camerlengo McKenna, to fit actor Ewan McGregor. Perhaps they made a change to Vittoria's character as well, making her Jewish, to fit Zurer? Whatever. Here's hoping we've finally learned our lesson with this schlock. If there's a third one, we're leaving it on the shelf. Unless it has a hot Jewish chick in it...","Jew","Leonardo da Vinci| Akiva Goldsman| The Illuminati| Ewan McGregor| Ashley Zukerman"
555,"Barry B. Benson",12,4,5,3,"In a recent film, a young man falls for a gorgeous shiksa (Vanessa, played by Renee Zellweger, hold your disbelief). Of course, there is a problem. No, our young hero is not concerned that he is a bee while the object of his affection is a human. He is concerned that Vanessa is not Jewish... make that Beeish. What would his mother think! For yes, the Bee World created by Seinfeld comes with Jewish bees, specifically Barry's mother and father, Helen and Morty Janet and Marty. They want nothing more for their son that to get a good career in the honey industry. And a Beeish wife. That goes without saying. We don't want to spoil the ending for those who didn't see the movie, but no, Barry and Vanessa do not become a couple. Religious differences are sometimes just too hard to overcome, even for cartoon characters.","Jew","Melman Menkowitz| Jerry Seinfeld| Sammy Spider| Winnie-the-Pooh| Z Marion-4195"
556,"Adam Lambert",8,3,3,2,"We hate American Idol. No, really. We'd rather bang our head against the wall than talk about American Idol. Click on the Paula Abdul link below if our abhorrence is not clear. Then use the back button on your browser. We'll be here. But these are extraordinary circumstances. So yes, here we are, doing something we thought we would never do again. Discussing Idol. Ugh. Specifically, discussing Adam Lambert, who later this week faces off against some other guy for a chance to become the next Idol. We can hardly wait. Adam Lambert. Voice of an angel, we're told. Definitely gay, we're told. Jewish, we're told. A gay Jewish American Idol? Really? We... applaud you, America, for your openness? Well, from the research we did, it looks like Lambert is half Jewish by birth, does not practice Judaism (he is agnostic), but does consider himself Jewish. Considers himself Jewish? Who are we to argue? So let's just wrap this profile up, and call it a day. Oh, if it was only that easy... For it has been reported that Adam's Jewishiness (or, to be more specific, his lack of open Christianity that was exhibited by the majority of Idol winners) might cost him the final vote. We're gonna have none of that. Mobilize, Jews of America. Make your voice heard. Vote Adam Lambert for American Idol! Now excuse us as we bang our head against the wall.","Jew","Paula Abdul| Simon Cowell| Boy George| George Michael| Prince"
557,"B. J. Novak",11,4,4,3,"Back in the B.J. Blazkowicz profile, we wrote: We can say with confidence that no Jew EVER has or will refer to himself as BJ. Why did we say this? Well, basically, we made the assumption that Jews are smart people who know better than to choose to call themselves something as dumb as BJ. After all, actress Allison Doody is not Jewish. Nor would you ever assume that she could be: ""A Jew would change that name,"" you'd say confidently. So congrats to actor/writer B.J. Novak for proving us wrong. No matter how much we like his character Ryan on the Office, we just look at him and think: idiot. Seriously. BJ. BJ?! When you have a perfectly good name like Ben? Why not just change your last name to Penislicker, too, while you're at it? Sorry, but we just can't respect that in anyone, even people we generally like.","Jew","B. J. Blazkowicz| Steve Carell| Rashida Jones| John Krasinski| Christoph Waltz"
558,"Noah Wyle",8,3,2,3,"There used to be a rule you could follow on ER, back in the good old days. If someone was on the table having a nice thrash about| doctors swarming over them like tourists in Times Square — you'd know whether the character was going to live or die based on one key plot point: if the sexy ER docs whipped out the defibrillator paddles. If the paddles came out, the character was going to live. If not, then... well, we don't think Grampa's gonna make it... Yup, it's fair to say we miss ER: Original Recipe. By the end it was the prime example of a series outlasting its interest. But in 1994, man, that show was cool. Now, back in those days there were really only five main characters, Dr. Benton, Dr. Green (Jew, per the James Wilson principle which states that any show containing five or more main characters must contain one Hebrew or collapse upon itself), Dr. Ross, Nurse Hathaway, Dr. Lewis, and, the most goyishe character on television: Dr. Jon Carter. Well, it probably won't take a pair of defibrillator paddles to shock you into figuring out where this is going. Carter — so WASPy, so old money, so white bread — was played by Noah Wyle who is so surprisingly Jewish. You'd be forgiven for missing it — Wyle has yet to play a character that is even mildly Jew-esque: it's like he got his graduate degree from the Seth Green school for Jews Who Play Goyim. And yet, there it is, predictable as one of those classic ER episodes. Clear!","Borderline Jew","George Clooney| Gina Gershon| Seth Green| Julianna Margulies| James Wilson"
559,"Jon Voight",6,1,2,3,"""I am and I always have been in total awe of the Jewish people. They are the conscience of the world. They hold the greatest gift to man: the Torah.""| Jon Voight And we are in awe of Jon Voight. He created, no, not the greatest, but a great gift to man — Angelina Jolie. No, Voight is not Jewish, although from the looks of things, he might as well be. A long-time host of the Chabad Telethon, he has extensively studied the Torah and Hasidic literature. He counts a number of rabbis as his friends, has addressed the congregation in a Hollywood synagogue on Yom Kippur, and seeks out Chabad centers on his travels. Which is much more than many of us real Jews could claim. Well, Voight has no intention of converting to Judaism. Too bad. That would make Angelina half Jewish, wouldn't it?","Not a Jew","F. Murray Abraham| Michael Caine| Gene Hackman| Pope John Paul II| Angelina Jolie"
560,"Cher Horowitz",10,4,3,3,"As part of JONJ's continued dedication to our long history and the Jewish community, we will occasionally republish profiles from our historical archives. Today we present Cher Horowitz, the character played by Alicia Silverstone in the movie ""Clueless"", as recapped in 1995 by Janice Jones from Malibu, California. Oh. My. Gawd. Like, last night, Jennifer calls me, and she's like, we gotta go see this rad movie, and I'm like, what movie, and she's like, Clueless, and I'm like Oh. My. Gawd. So today we go, and stand in line, and these two totally buggin dweebs try to pick us up, and I'm like, gag me with a spoon, and they're like, what-ever, and Jennifer is like, talk to the hand, and they're like, later As. If! So we like, go to the movie, and get popcorn, and the movie is like, totally rad, and Alicia is like, totally real, and I'm like, Jennifer, I love that skirt she's wearing, and Jennifer is like, totally, I think I saw it at the Gap, and I'm like, why didn't you buy it, and she's like, I was gonna to, but I think Jessica has it, and I'm like, no she doesn't, that one is sunflower, this one is chartrouse, and she's like, let's go to the mall after the movie, and I'm like OK! And Alicia is like, my name is Cher Horowitz, and I'm like no freaking way, is Cher Jewish, because like, there's a Jewish girl in our class, and she's like, totally lame, and Jennifer is like, Jewish girls can be hot, and I'm like, no way, and she's like, way, and I'm like This just goes on and on. For our readers' sake, we're going to break it off at this point. Like, totally.","Jew","Amy Heckerling| Dan Hedaya| Brittany Murphy| Paul Rudd| Alicia Silverstone"
561,"Andy Samberg",13,4,5,4,"Every year, we make a point of watching the season opener of ""Saturday Night Live"", to see if any of the new cast members can salvage the now-horrible show. And to see if any of them are Jewish, of course. So, when Andy Samberg first appeared as a featured player back in 2005, it was obvious he was Jewish, but little did we know that he will not only become SNL's only consistently funny performer, but change all of television and the Internet to go with it. How, you ask? Well, ""Lazy Sunday"", the digital short written by and starring Samberg that premiered later in that 2005 season. Soon after, it was uploaded to a new video sharing site called YouTube. The rest is history. ""Lazy Sunday"" went viral, collecting millions of hits in days. YouTube became Internet's video-sharing destination, and was sold to Google for billions. NBC, seeing that there is something to be gained from allowing video content to be streamed online, launched Hulu, allowing us to see shows like SNL online soon after they premiere on television. Well, maybe not SNL. Because it's still horrible.","Jew","Pete Davidson| Chris Kattan| Seth Meyers| Maya Rudolph| Michael Schur"
562,"Kevin Costner",3,0,0,3,"In a parallel universe, Kevin Costner's ""Waterworld"" is a masterpiece. The critically acclaimed, highest-grossing movie of all time. In that parallel universe, Kevin Costner is the biggest star on the planet. He is the most wanted man in parallel Hollywood. When he headlines a movie, it's a guarantee for success. And in that parallel universe, there are various websites that claim that Kevin Costner is Jewish. WAIT! Stop the presses! You are telling us that... there are websites in THIS universe that claim Costner is Jewish? Surely, that can't be right... German/Irish/Cherokee/Baptist Kevin Costner? Jewish? Why would anyone EVER make that claim? We sure won't. Not in this universe.","Not a Jew","Ben Affleck| Broncho Billy Anderson| Sandra Bullock| Wyatt Earp| Mel Gibson"
563,"Julius Vogel",13,5,4,4,"""We don't have [Jews] where I come from.""| Lucy Lawless, ""Curb Your Enthusiasm"" Oh Xena, Warrior Princess! We might not know much about your native New Zealand. That's pretty much it.), but we do know that your current prime minister, John Key, is actually half Jewish. And two former prime ministers were also of Jewish descent. One of those two was Julius Vogel, who held the post twice late in the 19th century. And, unlike Key and the third PM, Francis Bell, Vogel actually was a practicing Jew. A practicing Jew with a beard for the ages. Not only that, he wrote the first science fiction novel in New Zealand history, ""Anno Domini 2000 — A Woman's Destiny"", a book about an utopian world with women in power. So, dear Lucy, read up on your national history. You don't want to look like a fool next time you talk to a Jew on a TV program, right?","Jew","Jo Aleh| Larry David| John Key| Jules Verne| Taika Waititi"
564,"Norman Jewison",8,1,4,3,"Imagine going through life with a really Jewish last name. We're not talking about names like Goldberg or Levine or Cohen. Good Jewish names, yes, but still common enough to allow them to assimilate somewhat. No, we mean really Jewish. Painfully Jewish. Like if your last name was Torah or Oldtestament or something ridiculous like that. We're talking about a last name so Jewish even Jews think it's too Jewish. Imagine that. Your whole life, everyone who meets you immediately knows you are a Jew. Religion and culture are supposed to be private things. But some cruel twist of fate has made you a living billboard for your people. You can't go to a temple or a lawyer or a dentist without getting some kind of comment. You get dirty looks every time you order a BLT. On the plus side, you get discounts at every Judaica store in the country, but how often is that really useful? We can only empathize. Having such a Jew-tastic last name must be quite a burden for those poor souls, forever marked by their rabbinically-approved appellations. So can you imagine how hard it must be to have one if you're not even Jewish?","Not a Jew","Sholom Aleichem| Torah Bright| Shalom Harlow| Ed Jew| Zero Mostel"
565,"Angelina Jolie",4,0,0,4,"Don't ask us how, but we unearthed this clip from a conversation between Angelina Jolie and husband Brad Pitt: Well, there you have it. Straight out of the horse's mouth. Angelina Jolie. Jewish. We'd never think so... but we'll take it. Oh, will we ever take it. But then, we started thinking. The clip only shows one small part of the conversation. We really don't know in what context those words were said. Perhaps the two are on a road trip and are sharing hilarious jokes? Seriously, look at the cross hanging from the rearview mirror. No one Jewish, secretly or not, would even own a cross that large (15th century Spanish marranos excluded). What? This is from a movie, ""Mr. & Mrs. Smith""? That means... Angelina is not really Jewish? But... she said it in the clip! Stupid Hollywood.","Sadly, Not a Jew","Jennifer Aniston| Sarah Bernhardt| Arnon Milchan| Daniel Pearl| Jon Voight"
566,"Cloris Leachman",6,0,3,3,"Cloris Leachman sure has resurrected her career recently. She participated on ""Dancing with the Stars"", made out with Jack Black in a bring-out-the-stars episode of ""The Office"", and is now due to appear in Quentin Tarantino's ""Inglourious Basterds"". Playing a Jew, of course. What else would you expect from a long-time Mel Brooks collaborator? Sure, Cloris did play a obvious non-Jew in ""Young Frankenstein"", but she must be Jewish, right? Wrong. She was born and raised in the goy fields of Iowa. But why not let Cloris speak for herself? ""I'm not Jewish but they cast me that way a lot of the time,"" she says. Well, that explains that. Making out with Jack Black? We're still scratching our heads over that one.","Not a Jew","Jack Black| Mel Brooks| Marty Feldman| Teri Garr| Madeline Kahn"
567,"Baruch Spinoza",13,5,3,5,"In 1656, the Jews of Amsterdam made a terrible decision. No, they did not decide to turn over the hash trade to the Dutch. They excommunicated Baruch Spinoza. That's right, Baruch Spinoza, only one of the most brilliant philosophers of all time, one of the founders of modern thought. And why was he excommunicated? Well, for one, the Jews did not like Spinoza's non-traditional interpretations of Torah and the Talmud. And, what makes it even worse, they were afraid that Amsterdam's Christians would be angered by Spinoza's beliefs. Really, 17th century Jews of Amsterdam? Really? Since when do Jews care what the goyim think? Especially in the Netherlands, always known as a country of free thought and new ideas. Sadly, we don't have the authority to revert the 350-year-old decision. So we'll do the only thing we can| give Spinoza a high Jew Score and the one and only proper verdict.","Jew","Jacques Derrida| Michel de Montaigne| Friedrich Nietzsche| Rembrandt| Jean-Paul Sartre"
568,"Jim Cramer",11,5,4,2,"USUALLY, TO FIND OUT IF SOMEONE IS JEWISH OR NOT, WE DO A LOT OF RESEARCH. WE SCOUR THE INTERNET FOR PRIMARY AND SECONDARY SOURCES CONFIRMING ONE'S JUDAISM, OR LACK THERE OF. SOMETIMES, THE SEARCH TURNS INTO A LONG ENDEAVOR, HITTING MANY DEAD ENDS. OFTEN WE SUCCEED. SOMETIMES WE DON'T. THIS IS NOT ONE OF THESE CASES. IN FACT, WE DIDN'T NEED TO SEARCH THE INTERNET AT ALL. BECAUSE WE KNOW SOMEONE WHO ATTENDS SYNAGOGUE WITH JIM CRAMER. SO YEAH, JIM ""MAD MONEY"" CRAMER IS JEWISH. SO... WHY ARE WE SCREAMING?","Jew","Lenny Dykstra| Rachel Maddow| Keith Olbermann| Suze Orman| Vladimir Pozner"
569,"Mr. T",2,0,0,2,"We have a rule here at JONJ: if someone possibly Jewish is seen wearing a cross, they are NOT Jewish. The best they can hope for is a ""Barely a Jew"" verdict, and that's ONLY if they have some Jewish blood. We're very, very strict about this. But what about the reverse? What if someone Christian wears a Star of David around their neck, like the famed thespian Laurence Tureaud? Does that automatically make them Jewish? Pity the fool who thinks so. We Jews are an exclusive club. Wearing Jewish jewelry might get you on the doorstep, but it won't get you in. Especially if that Star of David is complemented with a number of crosses. That's just not gonna fly. Sorry, Mr. T. You're gonna have to try harder. function loadPic() { profileImage.src = 'img/spacer.gif'; profileImage.height = 350; setImage; }","Not a Jew","Dock Ellis| Mickey Goldmill| Dave Parker| Sylvester Stallone| Ike Turner"
570,"Sara Whalen",11,4,3,4,"Ten years ago, one penalty kick goal, one thrown jersey, one black sports bra, and US women's soccer player Brandi Chastain became a household name. And so did her World Cup-winning teammates: Mia Hamm, already with a major following among the nation's young girls, became a national brand. Julie Foudy was now in TV commercials, selling piss water known as Bud Light. But what about Sara Whalen? For Sara, there were no line of sports bras, no big advertising dollars, and no beer commercials. And why exactly is that? She was as much a part of that team as the aforementioned trio! Now, to be fair, even though Whalen played in that World Cup final, she wasn't a starter. But who do you expect us to defend, the team's token Jew, or someone like Kristine Lilly?","Jew","Yael Averbuch| Sue Bird| George Cohen| Debbie Rademacher| Alex Scott"
571,"David Letterman",5,0,1,4,"""Straight from the home office in Haifa, Israel, the Top Ten Signs You Might Not Be Jewish. Here we go, #10: You've never conducted a symphony orchestra using just your nose. #9: Two words: pimento loaf. #8: You spend every Sunday morning on a stage handing out crackers and wine. #7: You actually like your family. #6: You ate a bacon cheeseburger. On a Friday night. With shrimp. And mayo. #5: Last Christmas you came downstairs and didn't find reindeer feces all over your living room. #4: You thought Fiddler on the Roof was about the Amish. #3: Klezmer? I don't even know 'er! #2: You wake up in the morning and think to yourself, 'you know who's a really good guy? Jesus.' And the #1 sign you might not be Jewish is....."" ""You're me!""","Sadly, Not a Jew","Stephen Colbert| Jimmy Fallon| Chelsea Handler| Bill Maher| Jon Stewart"
572,"Clutch",10,4,4,2,"Ahhhh, G.I. Joe. The REAL American Hero. Or is that, The Real AMERICAN Hero? Guess it depends on the time period. Regardless, watching a classic episode of the 80's cartoon/30-minute toy commercial raises all sorts of questions. Questions like: If this is an elite military group, how come no one can hit the broad side of a barn? And, wow, how homo-erotic can a children's show get? OK, so the old series doesn't hold up well. Still, you can't fault the Joes for one thing: an excellent equal opportunity hiring policy. While outfits like the Justice League and the Transformers run around fighting for truth, justice, and the all-American white guy, G.I. Joe features a virtual rainbow of blacks, Hispanics, Asians, women, and even pirates. So we know what you're thinking, in all this equal-opportunity patriotic pandering, where's the Jew? To the left. Duh (nice beard, BTW). Of course| as it always is with these things — our kiddush cup is only half full. Yes, Lance ""Clutch"" Steinberg, the gear-head, driver G.I. Joe is Jewish. But he's also a womanizing, macho creep (apparently ""Clutch"" is being used as a euphemism for ""Grope"" in this case). So should you be happy that there's a G.I. Jacob? Or pissed that he's such a putz? Either way, now you know. And knowing is half the battle.","Jew","Barbie| B. J. Blazkowicz| Joseph Gordon-Levitt| Optimus Prime| Rebecca Rubin"
573,"Richard Lewis",12,5,4,3,"Why do Hasidic Jews always wear black? Is it because black is always in fashion? No. Is it because black is slimming? No. Is it because they want to stay warm even in the summer? No. Is it because it makes it easier for them to hide in the shadows, so they can steal Christian babies? No! It's actually to make them appear more modest. Now, why does comedian Richard Lewis always wear black? All of the above?","Jew","David Brenner| Larry David| Bob Einstein| Susie Essman| Jeff Garlin"
574,"Velma Dinkley",5,1,2,2,"Over the years, we have developed four laws (corollaries? commandments?) here at JONJ that help us discover heretofore unknown Jews. Law #1| If thou hast an ensemble cast of characters, one of them MUST be Jewish (the James Wilson Law): So, according to that law, someone on Scooby-Doo must be Jewish. A quick glance immediately eliminates Fred and Daphne (Jews do not wear neckerchiefs. Not even swinging 60s hipster Jews), leaving us with Velma, Shaggy and Scooby as distinct possibilities. Law #2 — Any animal that is not kosher, thou canst consider at least possibly Jewish, since Jews do not consume other Jews (The Law of the Berenstain Bears): That's good news for Scooby, since dogs are definitely not kosher (something about licking their own butts, no doubt). Law #3 — Thou canst assume a character played by a Jew is also Jewish, if thou so desires (the Captain Kirk Law): Shaggy is voiced by Casey Kasem, the Israel-hating, Top-40 playing, f-bomb dropping radio personality. So, yeah, Shaggy is out (even without that, Shaggy's real first name is Norville. It just wasn't meant to be). Scooby was voiced primarily by the late great Don Messick, who was completely awesome but also completely not Jewish. 0-for-2. That leaves us with (shiver) Velma, who was voiced by Nicole Jaffe (no), Pat Stevens (nope), and Mindy Cohn (dingdingding!) Law #4 — If thou canst not determine the Judaism of a character, thou art permitted to choose based on thine own personal preference (the Gargamel Law): Well, on the one hand, Velma is clearly the smartest of the group. And she does seem popular with the lesbians. On the other hand... ugh, it's Velma! Glasses-losing, geeky-beyond-belief Velma. So no. Just... no. No. And thus the holy, unassailable Laws of JONJ have helped us confirm an important truth: there were no Jews on Scooby-Doo. What's that? We've just broken the first law? Well, they're really more guidelines than rules...","Not a Jew","Berenstain Bears| Daphne Blake| Gargamel| William Shatner| James Wilson"
575,"Michael Cammalleri",9,3,2,4,"Who is the greatest Jewish hockey player of all time? Oh boy. You stumped us there, anonymous questioner. Hmmmm. We'll probably have to go with Mathieu Schneider, who has played over 20 years in the NHL, won the Stanley Cup with the Montreal Canadiens and the Hockey World Cup with Team USA. But maybe, just maybe, there's now a new answer to this question. For Mike Cammalleri is entering his seventh NHL season, where he will be playing for the Canadiens are making the switch from the Calgary Flames. Last season, he scored 82 points, good for 13th in the league. Cammalleri has also played for Canada, helping them to the World Championship in 2007. Not too shabby. Of course, as his Italian last name suggests, he is only half Jewish ethically, through his mother. But... this is Jewish hockey players we're talking about. We repeat: we'll take what we can get.","Jew","Jack Hughes| Brett Hull| Bob Nystrom| Mathieu Schneider| Ronnie Stern"
576,"Asher Roth",6,2,1,3,"""A nice Jewish boy rapper."" ""Rap's first white Jewish superstar since the Beastie Boys."" ""The Jewish Eminem."" The man described above? Asher Roth. Coming from the mean Pennsylvania suburbs, he raps about cheap pizza and beer pong. Clearly, America's Jewish college students have a new musical hero. Or perhaps not. For Roth is only a quarter Jewish, on his father's side, and is quick to dismiss it. He does not practice Judaism and does not consider himself a Jew. He even points out that his oh-so-Jewish first name comes from his mother's Irish side of the family. So, the Jewish Eminem? Not so much. But we tell you what, at least that's better than being called the Jewish Vanilla Ice.","Barely a Jew","Beastie Boys| Drake| Matisyahu| Mac Miller| Usher"
577,"Elijah Wood",6,0,2,4,"At Jew or Not Jew, we take our delicatessens seriously. The pastrami has to be just right. And the corned beef? Don't get us started on the corned beef. So as we travel across the country, we don't visit too many delis. You just won't get the New York quality in Indiana. Not too many Jews in Indiana. Or Idaho. Or Iowa. Well, maybe in Iowa? Elijah Wood's parents were deli owners. G-d knows why Jews would ever move to Iowa, but... Wait a minute. Just wait a minute. Elijah Wood is Jewish, right? He is, after all, very short, and... ummmm... he played a Jew in ""Everything Illuminated"", and... ummmm... his name is Elijah, which, in theory... Nope. Not Jewish. Raised Catholic. Well, it's not like we would visit Iowa in the first place.","Not a Jew","Sean Astin| Orlando Bloom| Terry Branstad| Jonathan Safran Foer| Gollum"
578,"David Paymer",12,4,5,3,"One of our all time favorite websites, now since departed, is Fametracker| a humorous site about all things famous. Their best invention was probably the concept of ""Hey, it's THAT guy!"": people who you immediately recognized from their multitude of small parts, but whose name you'd never remember. Our old friend Yaphet Kotto, for example. So, this begs the question, who is the ultimate Jewish ""Hey, it's THAT guy!"" And then it hit us... It's THAT guy. You know... THAT guy. Bald. Deep-set eyes. Big nose. Often plays Hollywood types. He was in... no, not that. Or maybe in... No, not that either. Damnation. What the hell is his name? Thank G-d for the Internet. We typed in ""Jewish bald character actor"" into Google's image search, and there he was, on the first page. David Paymer. Of course! The ""hello"" guy in ""Crazy People"". The producer in ""Quiz Show"". ""Searching for Bobby Fischer"", ""City Slickers"", ""State and Main"", ""Get Shorty"", ""The American President""... we've seen them all, and Paymer was in all of them. Of course, of course, of course. Paymer even has an Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actor for ""Mr. Saturday Night"". He didn't win, obviously. They don't give Oscars to THOSE guys...","Jew","Billy Crystal| Yaphet Kotto| James Remar| Stephen Tobolowsky| John Turturro"
579,"Diego Velazquez",8,2,1,5,"Diego Velazquez's ""Christ Crucified"" is a masterpiece. The painting is simple yet powerful; Christ, the moment after his death, his hair falling down his face, his wounds bleeding. He stands alone, alone on the wooden cross against the dark background; alone in his suffering, alone in his fate. We weep. Or we would have wept if we were gentile; since we are Jews, we look at the painting, think to ourselves, ""how many pictures of Jesus do we really need"", and move along. By now, you probably expect the punchline that Velazquez himself was a Jew. Not quite; a Jew would never paint THAT. However, Velazquez's father was a full-blooded Portuguese Jew, who, like many others at the time, was forced to convert. But, looking at the painting, it's quiet unlikely that any of that Judaism trickled down to Diego. On the other hand, if you were secretly a Jew, and were trying to hide it in 17th century Spain, wouldn't you paint... THAT?","Borderline Jew","Queen Beatrix| Miguel de Cervantes| El Greco| Luis de Gongora| Rembrandt"
580,"Michael Jackson",2,1,0,1,"One of the dirty secrets of JONJ is our death pool: a number of not-yet-profiled possibly-Jewish celebrities that might expire relatively soon. These might deserve a profile in order to increase site traffic and ummmm, respect the dead. But mostly the first thing. Anyway, someone like Martin Landau or Jerry Lewis makes a good candidate for the death pool. But not Michael Jackson, of course. Not because of his age (our death pool does include Corey Haim, after all), but because no one in their right mind would ever think that Jackson was Jewish. But Jackson's first two children, Prince Michael I and Paris Michael Katherine (very creative naming, Mr. Jackson) are, in fact, Jewish, at least Halachically. Their mother is Jackson's former nurse, Debbie Rowe, who is Jewish. Jackson was mum on the identity of the mother of the third, Prince Michael II (seriously. What creativity!), but that gives us at least two of three. Now, they weren't raised Jewish, and frankly we're not going to speculate on what their childhood may have been like. But, y'know what? We'll take it. At least until the inevitable scandal shows up. And oh, there's more. Did you know that recently Jackson befriended a rabbi, started to attend a synagogue, and was a regular at Shabbat dinners? Now, does that make Jackson a Jew? No. His infatuation with Judaism was temporary; he never intended to convert. According to the rabbi, ""he needed some sort of spiritual base"". That said, the thought of Jacko in a temple, wearing a yarmulke, holding a siddur, is a tad... unsettling. But there it is. Still, if only we had known sooner we could have queued this up in the pool and been so timely and... respectful.","Not a Jew","Corey Feldman| Corey Haim| Michael Jackson| Riley Keough| George Michael"
581,"Zev",5,0,2,3,"Horse racing is definitely not a Jewish sport. Throughout the years, we Jews have been too busy running from men on horses to ride them ourselves. But could there be Jewish horses? What, you think we're out of our mind? Well, take a look at the list of Kentucky Derby winners. You can't tell us that Giacomo is not Italian. Or that Gato Del Sol (1982) is not Spanish. So let's see if we can find a Jewish one. Barbaro, no... Fusaichi Pegasus, no... Spend A Buck| never! Secretariat... we wish. That's a 5 K Score right there. Kauai King, that's Hawaiian... Gallahadion, no... Clyde Van Dusen, that's Dutch... OK, here we go. Zev, 1923. Zev! That's definitely a Jewish name. But a Jewish horse he is not. Zev's parents were The Finn and Miss Kearney. He's obviously Irish. (As an aside, we can easily find out the name of each of his 16 great-great-grandparents. We don't know the names of OUR great-great-grandparents. Sad.) So why the Jewish name? Zev was named after the owner's friend and lawyer, Colonel Zevely. So much for that. Oh well. No Jewish horse. Now, if there was a Jewish horse, how would you go about circumcising....","Not a Jew","American Pharoah| Walter Blum| Frankel| Mister Ed| Sarah Jessica Parker"
582,"Walter Blum",11,5,2,4,"All right, so there are no Jewish horses. But are there Jewish jockeys? Seriously... it's not like being a jockey requires one to be tall or fast. Jockeys are short, plucky creatures who wear hats. Sounds like Jews, doesn't it? (Or gnomes. Jewish gnomes? Hmmmm.) The answer to that (Jewish jockeys, not Jewish gnomes. We'll file the latter for future research) is a resounding ""yes"". (Not really resounding. There have been some Jewish jockeys. ""Some"" might be too strong of a word.) Well, have those Jewish jockeys ever won anything? Not the Kentucky Derby. But Willie Harmatz won the Preakness in 1959. And in 1971, Walter Blum rode Pass Catcher at Belmont to an upset victory to deny Canonero II the Triple Crown. He retired with over 4000 victories (that seems like a lot), and was named to the Racing Hall of Fame. Which leaves us with only one question: how the heck does that happen? Seriously, what kind of self-respecting Jewish mother lets her beloved boytchik ride a HORSE for a living?","Jew","August Belmont| Robert Dover| Shecky Greene| Maylan Studart| Zev"
583,"Golda Meir",15,5,5,5,"It's time for another installment of our ""Ask Jew or Not Jew"" feature, where young readers write in for advice. Here's a letter we recently received. Dear Jew or Not Jew, my family just moved to Milwaukee. I'm the only Jewish girl in my school! The boys here are only interested in beer, blonds, and boobs, and I don't exactly look like Pamela Anderson. What should I do???| Deborah Schneider-Hymowitz, 16, Milwaukee, Wisconsin Dear Deborah, Believe it or not, you're not the first Jewish girl to move to Milwaukee. 100 years ago, a young Golda Mabovitch was facing the same predicament. And she turned out just fine. So perhaps you should forget about those Wisconsin boys and go into politics. Or just wait until college. Keep your chin up, Jew or Not Jew.","Jew","Pamela Anderson| David Ben-Gurion| Theodor Herzl| Benjamin Netanyahu| Ariel Sharon"
584,"Lisa Kudrow",11,4,4,3,"A question for our Jewish male readers... Who is the hottest Friend? Obviously, we're hearing a lot of Rachels. A bunch of Monicas. Even a few Chandlers. Hey, we're an inclusive website. So far, no one has said Phoebe. And that makes a lot of sense; Phoebe, although not Jewish on the show, is played by Lisa Kudrow, who looks so obviously Jewish that us Jewish males tend to stay away. But what's interesting, in an informal survey of goyim, a lot of them do find Kudrow attractive. More than that: gorgeous. Hot. Sexy. Yeah, we're not seeing it either. But here's a proof of yentappeal if there ever was one. Well, one small problem. We have no idea if Kudrow's real-life husband, French ad exec Michael Stern, is a Jew. With that name, he just might be... and that just might blow up the whole yentappeal theory. But then again, if Mr. Stern could have his picking of Friends, he might have gone with Rachel as well...","Jew","Jennifer Aniston| Ross and Monica Geller| Rachel Green| Jon Lovitz| David Schwimmer"
585,"Lorne Michaels",11,4,3,4,"Lorne Michaels is a comedic genius. A Canadian Jew, Michaels is the co-creator of the groundbreaking Saturday Night Live, which essentially invented the modern world of television comedy. The list of comedians he discovered is uncountable. His contribution to American culture and art is unquantifiable. Our respect for him is undeniable. Yawn. There's only one thing that makes any of this at all interesting. Y'see, Mike Myers, based his Dr. Evil character on Lorne Michaels (just listen to Michaels talk. You'll hear it). You know what that means? The good doctor could be Jewish! See, now that's cool. This site needs more cartoonish super-villainy to fill out the ranks. It's much more important than finding more artists and classical composers. Trust us. And who could be better than Dr. Evil, who spent three movies convincing us (successfully) that he's cooler than the swinging Austin Powers. Hey, he didn't spend 13 years going to evil Hebrew school just to be called a goy! Y'know, if he's Jewish. Which he probably isn't. But the possibility has us positively giddy. Seriously, the man could take over the world. That's much more important than creating some late night comedy program that hasn't been funny in 10 years.","Jew","Tina Fey| Al Franken| Mike Myers| Gilda Radner| Adam Sandler"
586,"Noam Chomsky",7,5,1,1,"""By now Jews in the US are the most privileged and influential part of the population. You find occasional instances of anti-semitism but they are marginal.""| Noam Chomsky Hooray! We wouldn't have thought so, but this is Noam Chomsky! The father of modern linguistics! One of the most cited academics! Recently named the top living intellectual! So let's invite everyone from across our Christian nation, Jew and gentile, build a campfire and sing kumbaya. It's over! After thousands of years, anti-semitism is over! Kumbaya, my lord, kumbaya... ""Anti-semitism is no longer a problem. It's raised, but it's raised because privileged people want to make sure they have total control, not just 98% control."" — Noam Chomsky Oh. Hmmmm. Really? Oh. Hmmmm. Maybe anti-semitism is not over after all. We have a shining example right here.","Sadly, a Jew","Nim Chimpsky| Bobby Fischer| Christopher Hitchens| Naomi Klein| Vladimir Zhirinovsky"
587,"Queen Beatrix",5,1,0,4,"Our long quest for finding Jewish European nobility is over... And how! We selected Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands for this profile, but we could have had our pick of the litter. King Carl XVI Gustaf of Sweden. King Constantine II of Greece. And a bunch of others: grand dukes, princes, etc, etc, etc. How so? Well, it all starts with Spanish painter Diego Velazquez, who we recently profiled. Velazquez's father, Juan Rodriguez da Silva, was Jewish, but he was forced to convert to Christianity. So what, you say? What does a 17th century artist have to do with today's royalty? A lot, it turns out. Velazquez had a daughter, Francesca. And she had a daughter, Maria Teresa. And she had... well, you get the picture. At some point, the descendants crossed from Spain to Germany, marrying into aristocracy. A couple of centuries later, Queen Juliana of the Netherlands married Prince Bernhard of Lippe-Biesterfeld, Velasquez's great-great-(we'll count the greats later)-grandchild. From that union, Beatrix was born. So exactly how Jewish is the Dutch Queen? Well... the last full-blooded Jew in her line is Velazquez's father, who is Beatrix's 12-great-grandfather. So, according by our calculations, she's 1/214, or 1/16384, or .006% Jewish. Now, one might say that that fraction is not exactly a ringing endorsement of anyone's Jewishness. And we wouldn't necessarily disagree. But Jewish blood is Jewish blood. Even if it's not enough to fail a breathalyzer.","Barely a Jew","Catherine I| Queen Elizabeth II| Queen Marau| Kate Middleton| Diego Velazquez"
588,"Alan Veingrad",11,5,4,2,"It's hard to imagine a Hasidic Jew playing in the NFL. Picture it: a linebacker| tefillin painted on his helmet, bushy beard hanging out of his facemask — roaming the field, perhaps saying a quick ""baruch atah"" after every tackle... So why no Hasids in the NFL? Blame the NCAA! To play in the NFL, one must play in college beforehand. And in college, they play on Saturdays. No Hasid would ever do that. Oh, how many dreams of high school Hasidic football stars were squashed by the caprices of NCAA scheduling! Of course, nothing is stopping someone from becoming a Hasidic Jew AFTER their stint in the NFL. Which is exactly what Alan Veingrad did. In the NFL, he was a backup lineman for the Packers and Cowboys, even winning a Super Bowl ring with the latter. Now, he's Shlomo Veingrad, a self-described ""professional speaker, motivator, entertainer"". And a Hasidic Jew. It's too bad he didn't do it the other way around, though. We'd have loved to see his touchdown celebration dance.","Jew","Lennie Friedman| Gina Gershon| Kyle Kosier| Richard Lewis| Matisyahu"
589,"Sam Raimi",13,5,3,5,"Are there Jewish zombies? No, of course not. Zombies are not real. What a silly, silly question. But... if zombies were real, could there be Jewish zombies? If we understand zombie mythology correctly, zombies are reanimated bodies without a soul. So, if you believe one's Judaism resides in one's soul, then no, even if someone once Jewish is reanimated after death, that zombie is not Jewish. But could a zombie convert to Judaism? Is that even possible? Again, it looks like the answer is no. To convert to Judaism, you need to study. You need... a brain. And zombies, even with their hunger for cranial eating, obviously lack a brain themselves. So no, no Jewish zombies. Perhaps Sam Raimi can address that when he inevitably comes back to zombies after the next Spider-Man...","Jew","Tom Arnold| Max Brooks| Joel and Ethan Coen| James Franco| Topher Grace"
590,"Evan Rachel Wood",8,3,2,3,"Woody Allen sure likes his shiksas. From real life, to his films (Keaton again, Mariel Hemingway, Farrow again, Dianne Wiest, Mira Sorvino, etc, etc, etc). (There are two clear exceptions here. One is Louise Lasser, who Allen was briefly married to| the key word here is ""briefly"". The other is Scarlett Johansson, but we're gonna let that one slide: she's only half Jewish, and she's Scarlett Johansson... how can Woody NOT be mesmerized?) Moving on to ""Whatever Works"", Allen's latest film, where the Woody role is played by Larry David, who meets a young woman (Woody and his young women... let's stop here), a runaway from Mississippi, played by Evan Rachel Wood, another one in the line of fine Woody shiksas... Or not, for her movie Southern accent aside (and Wood was born in North Carolina), in real life Evan is... Jewish (her father is Christian, but her mother converted to Judaism). Hmmmm. Perhaps Woody's shiksappeal is slipping at his advanced age? Or not. Just look at his current... (All right! We'll stop right here!)","Jew","Woody Allen| Larry David| Scarlett Johansson| Nikki Reed| Emma Stone"
591,"Michael J. Fox",9,1,3,5,"""No, no, you and Jennifer are fine. It's your kids, Marty, we have to do something about your kids| they're Jews!"" What makes someone a Jew? Those of us of a more orthodox bent would say ""their mother is Jewish"" and leave it at that. But there's something so... exclusive about that definition. Are we really so numerous that we can simply ignore the large, dedicated Jewish communities that don't fit that neat little definition? For instance, young Republican, time-traveler, stem-cell spokesperson and all out 80s hunk Michael J. Fox: married to a Jewish woman. Has four children, all of whom he is raising as Jews. Member of a Reform temple. Helps his kids with their Torah homework. Does that sound like a Jew? It sure does to us. Yet is Fox Jewish by birth? By conversion? No. Does he have to be? What makes someone a Jew? The answer we have always held onto is something a little more ethereal. If someone feels — in their heart of hearts — that they are Jewish, then they are. And that should be enough. Right? OK, probably not. But if we had a DeLorean and flux capacitor, well, let's just say things might turn out a little differently.","Sadly, Not a Jew","Einstein| Honi HaM'agel| Calvin Klein| Ewan McGregor| Claudia Wells"
592,"Lewis Skolnick",13,4,5,4,"Nerds!!! Wait. Let's try that again. NERDS!!!! Oh yes, that's much better. In any case, yeah, Revenge of the Nerds. Great pic, that one. If you've managed to miss it, Revenge of the Nerds tells the intrepid tale of a group of young social outcasts and weirdos forced to overcome the anti-intellectualism ingrained in the 1980s American university. Naturally, this involves belching contests, binge drinking, marijuana and rampant sex. Well, come on, how else do you attack society's most intractable social mores? Clearly, it's a good film if you don't think about it too much. It's also full of Jews. Frankly, it's easier to list the characters who are NOT Jewish: Coach Harris, Jock Stan Gable, Foreign exchange student Toshiro Takashi, closet(?) homosexual Lamar Latrell, shiksa Betty Childs, and ""Booger"" Dawson. The rest? Jews. Including our good friend Lewis on the left. Ordinarily, this is the point where we rail against the negative stereotype of geeky Jews and declare that the movie is another disgusting example of the subtle anti-Semitism in American culture. But we're not going there and here's why. Have you looked around lately? The guys hanging around their dorm room playing video games and working on the computer? That's... actually, that's everyone. This is a world where professional baseball player Curt Schilling| a well-known musclehead — retired to work on his massively multiplayer online role playing game and no one blinked an eye. It's a nerd's world, bitches! And y'know what? We're proud to bask in it. At least until the inevitable ""Revenge of the Jocks"" comes out.","Jew","Josh Baskin| Robert Carradine| Max Fischer| Professor Frink| Jim Levenstein"
593,"Gene Siskel",12,4,4,4,"The history of ""At the Movies"", the television program that reviews films: Siskel and Ebert: One Jew, one gentile. The dream team of film criticism. Thumbs are raised. Thumbs are lowered. Definitely watchable. Ebert and Roeper: Two gentiles. Pretty watchable. Roeper and whoever replaced Ebert the given week: One gentile, the other varies. Sometimes watchable. Lyons and Mankiewicz: Who? Yes, Lyons and Mankiewicz. That's who is hosting ""At the Movies"" now. Two Jewish guys named Ben. Completely, utterly unwatchable. So is there a formula here? We would think that if one Jew is good, two would be better... but that's clearly not the case. Well, there doesn't have to be a formula. It's just easier to say that it all went downhill after Siskel.","Jew","Leonard Maltin| Phil Mushnick| Bob Ross| Gene Shalit| Jay Sherman"
594,"Lisa Turtle",4,2,1,1,"The James Wilson Law has been bothering us a lot recently. You know, the law that states that an ensemble cast of a TV show must have a Jewish character. First, we failed to find a Jew on Scooby-Doo. But that's a show about talking dogs that solve real estate scams. All credibility goes out of the window right there. But where is the Jew on Saved by the Bell? (A show about five ultra-popular kids hanging out with a dork and a principal definitely screams credibility!) It's not the dork, Screech (see his profile). It's definitely not Zack or Slater. We'd love to have Kelly, but she's a braindead cheerleader. (Wait, why did we say we'd love to have Kelly? Oh yeah... Tiffani-Amber Thiessen. That's right.) Lisa is black. And Jessie, although played by a Jew (see Elizabeth Berkeley), is as WASPy as they come. So that leaves... nobody. So much for the James Wilson Law? Not quite. For the Jew on Saved by the Bell is... Lisa. No, it's not because she is one of those rare occurrences, a black Jew. It's because Lisa was supposed to be Jewish: a fashion-obsessed J.A.P. with rich doctor parents. It's just that when Lark Voorhies auditioned, she won over the producers, and Lisa became black. Still obsessed with fashion. Still with rich doctor parents. No longer a J.A.P. What's this? We should look into Tori? That... season... never... happened!","Barely a Jew","Elizabeth Berkley| Peter Engel| Mark-Paul Gosselaar| Screech Powers| James Wilson"
595,"Harry Truman",5,0,1,4,"Five minutes and one circumcision question later, the Cold War officially began.","Sadly, Not a Jew","Winston Churchill| Dwight Eisenhower| Thomas Jefferson| Franklin Roosevelt| Joseph Stalin"
596,"Steve Wynn",9,4,3,2,"In the 1950s and early 60s, there were certain assumptions you could make about your New York Jews: They lived in Brooklyn, ate at kosher Jewish delis, and spent their winter vacations in the Catskills. The so-called Borscht Belt, the Catskills were a collection of Jewish-owned resorts in the mountainous region located in the tuchus of New York State. These skiing shtetls catered specifically to the Jewish patron with kosher meals, kosher comedians, even kosher mountains featuring gentle, modest slopes that would be reserved for the young or infirm in a more high-end ski mecca like Vermont or Colorado. Perfect for your Tanta Ida or your Uncle Chaim. Nowadays, Brooklyn still has some Jews, but there are towns in Poland that have more evidence of their formerly Jewish roots than Newark does. The New York Jewish deli is a dying breed| most surviving on as tourist traps with almost none of them conforming to kashrut. And, at this point, visiting the Catskills is like visiting good old Tanta Ida at the nursing home, strained carrots and all. So where's a young, Jewish, hotelier like Steve Wynn to go to make his fortune these days? Vegas, baby, Vegas! Sure the gambling, glitz and glamor is about as far removed from the Catskills as Jackie Mason is from Cirque de Soleil, but you take what you can get in this assimilated society and Steve Wynn certainly has got while the getting was good. Has it cost us some cultural identity? Sure. But you want to turn down all-you-can-eat shrimp for a bowl of borscht? What are you, meshuggenah?","Jew","Milton Berle| Oscar Goodman| Stanley Ho| Jackie Mason| Joan Rivers"
597,"Curious George",11,4,2,5,"Let's see, here. We've covered mice, bears, ducks, dogs, cats, wolves... what about monkeys? Well is there a more famous monkey than Curious George| the happy little scamp who causes mischief wherever he goes? Sure he doesn't seem Jewish. No stealing of yarmulkes for this fine fellow. And yet, would you believe he has quite the Hebrew pedigree? Hans Augusto and Margret Rey who wrote and illustrated the manuscript for the talented Mr. Curious were both Jews living in Paris in the late 1930s. Then the Nazis showed up and the three of them were forced to flee on homemade bicycles. Several close escapes and an Atlantic Ocean trip later, they found themselves in New York City, safe and sound with their little future celebrity just a publisher away from worldwide success. Jewish parents, escaped from Hitler, moved to the Lower East Side... Sounds pretty Jewish to us! On the other hand, George's original name was Fifi before they changed it for the US audience. Eh — whatever — we'll still take what we can get.","Jew","Aardvark| Nim Chimpsky| Francine Frensky| Fievel Mousekewitz| Winnie-the-Pooh"
598,"Craig Newmark",13,5,4,4,"""Dad, can you help me with my history homework?"" I reluctantly turned off the TV Wall. The New York Knicks were beating the Beijing Nike Pandas 281-274. ""Dad, what are newspapers?"" ""Newspapers?... Imagine a bunch of large sheets of paper delivered to your front door every morning. And on those sheets, you could read yesterday's news."" ""Why would anyone want to read yesterday's news?"" ""Well, before the Internet..."" ""BEFORE the Internet?"" ""Yeah, in the dark days before the Internet, that was the only way to read the news."" ""What about Almighty Google?"" ""There was no Google."" ""No Almighty Google? How did people get things done?"" ""Beats me."" ""So why are there no more newspapers?"" ""Well, back in the day, newspapers looked down on the Internet. The Internet grew, people wanted information faster and cheaper, but newspapers never adjusted. And once Craig Newmark started Craigslist, where people could post ads for free, newspapers stopped making money from classified ads. So one after one, they went bankrupt."" ""I know Craigslist! Dylan's uncle is on it every Friday night, looking for new robo-friends."" ""Yep, that's Craiglist."" ""Thanks. I think I got it."" ""Oh. And Craig was Jewish."" ""Jewish? Like President Finkelstein?"" ""Exactly.""","Jew","Brian Chesky| Philip Markoff| Sean Rad| Jeremy Stoppelman| Ethan Zuckerman"
599,"Anton Yelchin",12,4,4,4,"In 1967, an amazing breakthrough happened on Star Trek. No, not a black woman, that was bound to happen sooner or later, it was the 60s and all. It was Pavel Chekov, a Russian. A Russian among Americans. At the height of the Cold War. (Well, Star Trek didn't take place at the height of Cold War. It was filmed at the height of the Cold War. So the notion that Americans and Russians could, theoretically, get along, even in a distant and star-roaming future, was iffy at best.) Of course, Russian actors were scarce in Hollywood, so Chekov was played by Walter Koening. (Russian: No. Jewish: Yes.) And four decades passed. The Cold War was over, not due to future inter-galactic friendship, but due to bubble gum and blue jeans. And when ""Star Trek"" was remade in 2009, casting a Russian as Chekov was no longer a problem. In theory. Of course, to Americans, the new Chekov, Soviet-born Anton Yelchin is Russian. But to Russians... Herein lies the dilemma, at the heart of which is definition of nationality and ethnicity. In America, Yelchin is considered a Russian, and now a Russian American (after becoming a US citizen) because of his birthplace. In Russia, because Yelchin's family is ethnically Jewish (and yes, in Russia, as throughout Europe, Jewishness is considered an ethnicity), he will never be considered a Russian, but rather a Jew, and now an American Jew. So, maybe Americans and Russians can't get along, even in a distant future. But Americans and Russian American Jews? That's a start...","Jew","J. J. Abrams| The Ferengi| Leonard Nimoy| Chris Pine| William Shatner"
600,"Jackie Mason",14,5,5,4,"So, it turns out that Jackie Mason has a vlog. For those not up on their web lingo, vlog stands for video blog. And blog is short for web log. And log is short for logbook which was originally shortened from chip log book which refers to... anyway, don't you just love 21st century Newspeak? In this case, Mason's vlog is entitled ""the Ultimate Jew"". Currently, there are over 200 entries featuring Jackie kibbitzing on just about anything. No, really anything: politics, car commercials, bible prophecies, boxing, Passover Seder... It's enough to make you plotz. Oh, and did we mention that Jackie Mason is 73 years old? That's right, your zadeh is more technologically savvy than you are. If you ever needed proof that Jews are an adaptable people, it's staring right back at you now. Creepy, huh?","Jew","Lenny Bruce| Dyan Cannon| Rodney Dangerfield| Krusty the Clown| Don Rickles"
601,"Stephen Sondheim",12,4,4,4,"When Stephen Sondheim was ten, his parents separated. He was left to live with his mother, who was basically nuts. She used Stephen as a proxy for her departed husband. We're not sure how far that extended, but... not good. Not good. So where is a young boy to turn? Well, musical theater of course! With all is revelry, pageantry, and pizazz, with a chance to escape from the clingy fingers of an obsessive woman, into the hands of, well, men, but also all of Broadway. So Stephen Sondheim became quite possibly the greatest composer in Broadway history. He has more Tony awards to his name than any other composer, and has scored musicals that even we, theater neophytes, have heard of. And we ask, would any of that be possible without his fucked up mother? Even if it wouldn't, we'd be careful, Jewish mothers. Sometimes your child's success is just not worth the horror.","Jew","Leonard Bernstein| Kander and Ebb| Ethel Merman| Julie Taymor| Jonathan Tunick"
602,"Jimmy Fallon",3,0,0,3,"It's time to open up the Jew or Not Jew mailbag! Today's letter comes from Jeremy from the great state of New York: my girlfriend loves your site, and she loves jimmy fallon. maybe if you profile him, i'll get some love too! Sure, Jeremy, anything for love. Let's see what we can do here.... Dear Jeremy's girlfriend, First off, we'd like to thank you for having such excellent taste in websites. Seriously, good show! On the other hand though, we have to wonder about your taste in men. Oh, clearly Jeremy here is a good guy, but Jimmy Fallon? Really? Have you seen Fever Pitch? Or all of his old SNL skits where he stands around, insufferably laughing at his own jokes? Good G-d. Plus he's not Jewish. Not even a little bit. Honestly JG (it's cool that we're calling you JG, right?), we just don't see it. There just isn't anything even remotely redeemable about Jimmy Fallon and, frankly, your affection for him kind of makes us worry about you. Anyway, you've clearly got a good thing going with this Jeremy fellow and you should definitely reward him for getting us to profile someone so un-Jewish and un-talented as Mr. Fallon. Sincerely, Jew or Not Jew","Not a Jew","Will Ferrell| Tina Fey| Chelsea Handler| David Letterman| Dennis Miller"
603,"Garry Shandling",11,4,3,4,"From an early age, we were told, it's not the size that matters, it's how you use it. No, no, dear reader, it's not about THAT. This is a family website, after all. You see, like many other Jews, we were blessed with a very large... head. That's right, HEAD. Seriously, what did you think this profile will be about? Yep, many Jews have large heads. And many of these Jews use these large heads and the large brains that reside inside them wisely. Some of these big-headed Jews create wonderful websites where they talk about various other Jews. Other big-headed Jews, like comedian Garry Shandling, create ground-breaking TV shows such as ""It's Garry Shandling's Show"" and ""The Larry Sanders Show"". Of course, once Garry made a movie about an alien with a humming penis, his career has been pretty much in the tank. Apparently having a giant head isn't always all it's cracked up to be.","Jew","Janeane Garofalo| Jeremy Piven| Larry Sanders| Sam Simon| Jeffrey Tambor"
604,"Saint Joseph",10,5,3,2,"""Today on Jerry Springer... He is a carpenter... She is his lovely wife-to-be... And she is pregnant!"" OOOOOOH! ""And guess what? It's NOT his!"" (Audience) JE-RRY! JE-RRY! ""We're here with Joseph of Nazareth. How are you today, Joseph?"" ""Not too well, Jerry, not too well. My bride, my beautiful Mary, told me last week that she is with child... and it's not mine..."" ""You didn't take it too well, did you?"" ""No, not at first. I'm just a carpenter, Jerry, not much prospect for finding a good wife... But when Mary walked into my life... It was perfect! She was a virgin! She took me for who I am! She didn't even mind when I came home from work late... Those benches don't make themselves, Jerry!"" ""So how did you react when she told you?"" ""I was mad at first... But then I realized that I still love Mary, and I will raise the child as my own... It's the least I can do for all the love she's given me..."" (Audience) AWWWWWWWWW! ""Well, we have a surprise for you, Joseph! Here she is... Mary!"" (Audience) BOOOOOOO! ""And walking onto stage with her, the father, the one she cheated on you with... G-D!"" (Audience) JE-RRY! JE-RRY! JE-RRY!","Jew","Jesus Christ| G-d| Jerry Springer| Three Wise Men| Virgin Mary"
605,"Leonard Bernstein",15,5,5,5,"Face it: Jewish last names are hard to pronounce. Even the ones that seem easy on paper, often create a lot of confusion. Take famed conductor and composer Leonard Bernstein, for instance. What is the correct pronunciation? Is it ""Burn""-""steen""? Is it ""Bern""-""stine""? The former is the one you usually hear. The latter is the one he supposedly used himself. Or perhaps, it's the original European pronunciation, ""Behrn""-""shteyn""? And you know what? We're fine with the confusion. Keeps the goyim on their toes. And no, this profile is not autobiographical. Not at all.","Jew","Irving Berlin| Aaron Copland| Marvin Hamlisch| Richard Rodgers| Stephen Sondheim"
606,"Les Paul",6,0,1,5,"Les Paul is one of those people that makes hyperbole problematic. We use words like ""legend"" and ""groundbreaking"" and ""genius"" so often that when a legitimately legendary, groundbreaking genius such as Les Paul comes along the words sound empty and insufficient. We'll just say that his recent passing leaves a small hollow spot in the solid bodied-guitar of our hearts. But really, who gives a crap about all that stuff when we've got Jews to rate, right? So how do we figure that out? We start at the usual spot, Wikipedia, which seemed to think so a while back, but then the content was changed and now Wikipedia thinks he's not. That's too wishy washy for ones so dedicated to accuracy as us, so we Google him up and find several online music magazines have written that Paul was of German-Jewish decent. But then, other, more mainstream sources are disconcertingly mum. So we're still in the darkness, which means taking drastic measures. We have to read a book. According to ""The Early Years of the Les Paul Legacy 1915-1963"", Les Paul's parents were Prussian. His original name of Polsfuss is not demonstrably Jewish, nor is his mother's maiden name, Stutz. You have to go all the way back to his grandmother's maiden name to find the first Jewish-sounding surname, Meyer, and even that's not a lock. Further, still from that book-y thing, Paul's parents emigrated to Wisconsin in the 1800s, were involved in farming and brewed beer. All very stereotypical German immigrant things to do. But not stereotypically German-Jewish things. So it's looking bad. But we still want one more source to erase all doubt and that means (GASP) opening yet another dusty tome. In this case, ""Famous Wisconsin Musicians"" by Susan Masino (with a forward by Lester himself!), which mentions Paul's attendance at church socials as a boy. Yup, that'll do it. Les Paul: Not a Jew. But wow, what a long way to go just to get there, huh?","Sadly, Not a Jew","Bob Dylan| Alan Freed| Mick Jones| Paul McCartney| Keith Richards"
607,"Neve Campbell",7,2,2,3,"We often struggle with preconceived notions that surround one's Jewishness. The biggest one seems to be that being Jewish is always a religion, but not an ethnicity. Of course, as you have seen from the previous 600 profiles, it's not necessarily one or the other. There are people ethnically, but not religiously Jewish. There are those who are religiously, but not ethnically (Marilyn Monroe... Monroe for Gifford? We'll make that trade any day!). There are even those who are neither ethnically nor religiously, but consider themselves Jewish (Michael Richards). And then there are half-Jews by birth. Some of them practice Judaism. Some of them consider themselves Jewish but don't necessarily practice any religion. Some specifically say they are not Jewish. Some... Well, many combinations are possible. See the previous 600 profiles. But now, we found the perfect answer to the ""Judaism is not an ethnicity"" crowd. It's actress Neve Campbell (""Scream"", ""Wild Things""). Neve is half-Jewish by birth through her mother, making her Halachically Jewish. But Campbell is a practicing Catholic, making her... not Jewish? And here's the kicker: to quote Campbell, ""my lineage is Jewish, so if someone asks me if I'm Jewish, I say yes"". So who is anyone to say otherwise, no matter what religion she practices? (We won't. The above quote raises her from ""Barely a Jew"" to ""Borderline Jew"". That Catholicism would have to go for her to rise to ""Jew"".) Now excuse us while we go to re-rent ""Wild Things"" and appreciate its... Jewishness.","Borderline Jew","Kathie Lee Gifford| Jennifer Love Hewitt| Marilyn Monroe| Michael Richards| Liev Schreiber"
608,"Pauly Shore",9,4,4,1,"Pauly Shore's mom, Mitzy ran The Comedy Store in Los Angeles. So Pauly grew up some of the greatest names in comedy, both Jew and gentile. George Carlin. John Belushi. Rodney Dangerfield. Richard Pryor. David Letterman. Sam Kinison. Jerry Seinfeld. Eddie Murphy. Etc. Etc. Etc. So one would think that being around such legends would, once Pauly himself tried a hand at comedy, give him a head start. Well, one would think wrong. Thankfully, Pauly is now washed up, reduced to appearing on reality shows. But one still remembers the early 90s, when his cries of ""Hey, Buddy"" shrieked from TV and movie screens. Seriously... How did he get to be that bad? Then again, also appearing at The Comedy Store: Andrew Dice Clay. And Gallagher.","Sadly, a Jew","Andrew Dice Clay| Rodney Dangerfield| Brendan Fraser| Bronson Pinchot| Jerry Seinfeld"
609,"Andy Kaufman",13,4,5,4,"Loading profile... interval = 75; c = 10; mx = 340; agent = navigator.userAgent.toLowerCase(); msie = agent.indexOf !=|1; ffox = agent.indexOf(""firefox"") != -1; reload(); function reload() { c++; k = mx-c; bar1.width = c; bar2.width = k; if (c < mx-10) { setTimeout('reload()', interval); } else { ok = confirm(""ERROR loading profile! Try again?""); if (ok) { c = 10; reload(); } else { hideDiv(area); if (msie) showDiv(fail1); else if (ffox) showDiv(fail2); else showDiv(fail0); } } }","Jew","Danny DeVito| Milos Forman| Judd Hirsch| Rhea Perlman| Michael Richards"
610,"Timon",10,4,4,2,"If you look at the collection of Disney animated features from the past 20 years or so, you can almost see an affirmative action lawyer checking off the various minorities as they've been covered: Native Americans, Chinese (Mulan), Arabs (Aladdin), Africans (sort of, it was the Lion King, we grant you), Hawaiians (Lilo & Stich), Blacks (the upcoming Princess and the Frog), and Mermaids (The Little Mermaid). Yeah, you know where this is going. Where be our Jews?! For now we'll have to settle for the one (one?!) we've got: Timon (or Timon Berkowitz as it was later revealed), the plucky meerkat from the aforementioned Lion King. And, y'know what? He's not... OK, he's terrible. A selfish coward who lives with his heterosexual life partner in the jungle eating bugs? Come ON people. Is this really the best we can do? Every other race gets a frickin' princess and somehow the Jews don't? How in Hebrew heaven's name does THAT make sense? Oy. Anyway, here's hoping the Disney corporation sees the light and does an animated Purim or something in the near future. In the meantime we guess we'll settle for the meerkat (*sigh*) and thank Hashem that Timon is somehow still better than cartoon dreck like Mort Goldman and Dr. Zoidberg.","Jew","Mort Goldman| Nathan Lane| Princess Rebecca| Vanellope Von Schweetz| Dr. Zoidberg"
611,"Nikki Reed",10,4,3,3,"""Another one?"" The old man looked at his glass. ""Sure, darling, fill it up. The same."" His long, pale, brittle fingers reached for the glass. ""You see those kids?"", he said, pointing to a table in the back. I glanced over. A girl and a boy, all decked in black. ""Yep... vampires."" ""Vampires?"" The old man got up from the barstool. I could hear the bones creak. He dragged his feet to the young couple's table. ""And who are you supposed to be?"" The boy picked up his head from the cheese fries. His eyes were smudged with black eyeliner. ""Excuse me?"" ""You... you, young man. Who are you supposed to be?"" ""Supposed to be? I'm Edward Cullen."" ""And you?"", the old man addressed the girl. ""Rosalie Hale."" Her died-blond hair was showing its roots. ""Nice to meet you, Edward and... Rosalie. I'm Fred... Fred Tompkins."" He drew forward his hand. The boy, grimacing, shook it. The girl stayed still. ""I hear you're vampires,"" the old man said. ""That's right,"" the boy answered. ""Waiting for twilight, then?"" ""Huh?"" ""Twilight... waiting for twilight?"" ""I heard you the first time, Mr... Tompkins. Do you mean, waiting for the release of Midnight Sun? Twilight has been out for years."" ""Midnight Sun? Haven't heard anyone use that term for... a long time."" The girl shot a piercing look to her friend. ""Look, sir,"" the boy said. ""My girlfriend and I are just trying to have dinner together. I appreciate that you're also a fan, but..."" ""A fan?"" ""Yes. A fan of the Twilight books. Isn't that what you said?"" ""Books?"" The girl finally spoke. ""Let's go, Jerry. I've had enough."" The boy reached into his wallet, took out a bill and some coins, and dropped them on the table. The two got up and left. I walked over and picked up the money. ""Kids!"", the old man said. ""Tell me about it,"" I sighed, counting the loose change. He slogged back to the bar. ""We're closing soon,"" I said. ""One for the road?"", he asked. ""Sure, honey."" I poured him another Bloody Mary. Vampire Rosalie Hale, the so-called ""most beautiful person in the world"", is played in the movie by the Jewish Nikki Reed. This is the only Jewish link to Twilight we could find.","Jew","Theda Bara| Dracula| Sarah Michelle Gellar| Kristen Stewart| Evan Rachel Wood"
612,"Mickey Goldmill",12,5,4,3,"The most unbelievable moments of the ""Rocky"" series: #1. The Russians rooting for Rocky, Rocky IV. #2. Rocky defeating Drago, Rocky IV. #3. Rocky training in Siberia, Rocky IV. #4. The Rocky-Dixon fight, Rocky VI. (He is 60 years old! 60!) #5. The greenlighting of Rocky V. #6. Rocky getting a title shot, Rocky I. #7. Apollo and Rocky's beach hug, Rocky III. ... #100. Finding out that Mickey is Jewish, Rocky III. (Curmudgeony old trainer? Goldmill? Jew? We saw it coming.)","Jew","Max Kellerman| Little Mac| The Penguin| Sylvester Stallone| Mr. T"
613,"Stephen Jay Gould",12,4,3,5,"Respected and even venerated by his peers. Recipient of multiple awards. Hosted his own TV special. Had a well-publicized beef with a competitor. Even appeared as himself on the Simpsons. Stephen Jay Gould sounds like a real celebrity, huh? But then you realize the TV show was on PBS. The awards were things like the Darwin-Wallace medal. And the beef was with a biologist. We've been led to believe that it's different in other countries. That other places tend to value intelligence as a desirable feature. We'll have to take people's word for it. We only know here. And in this country you get more accolades for stepping out of the backseat of a limo with no underwear than you do for completely revolutionizing our understanding of evolutionary theory. So maybe Steven Jay Gould wasn't a celebrity, but why couldn't he be? Why not a half-hour knowledge-obsessed show that chases salacious rumors about scientists (Access Laboratory)? Or ""Quantum Beat"", a magazine featuring hot, young physicists for tweenage girls? Or a reality show on VH1 called ""I Love the Dadaists""? No? Oh well. But it's something we feel we ought to be shooting for. Of course, we're not exactly part of the solution, either. We're the site that has 500 words on Corey Feldman, after all. But that doesn't mean we still can't hope, right? P.S. Despite the ample opportunity, please note that neither we nor this profile at any time refer to said profilee| a famous paleontologist — as a 'rock star' in accordance with the WFWI (Writers For Word Integrity) Accord of 1997. Thank You.","Jew","Jeremy England| Corey Feldman| Henry Heimlich| Claude Levi-Strauss| Bill Nye"
614,"Duff Goldman",11,4,4,3,"It's our third birthday! Yes, just a short three years JewOrNotJew.com was born. And how better to celebrate this momentous occasion than with a cake? Especially one baked by Jewish super-pastry chef and star of the Food Network's Ace of Cakes, Duff Goldman. But what do we want this maker of magical morsels to create for us? After all, Duff's cakes on the show are always more creative and complex than culinary. Here's what we're thinking so far: A sheet cake depicting the parting of the Red Sea, a little chocolate Moses at the front, pushing away waves of blue icing and clearing the way for his little chocolate people to cross to... our wonderful website in cake form! No? Too blasphemous? OK, howabout this then: A cake in the shape of a circumcised penis! And printed on the penis is our website! It could even be a little small because... y'know... Jews.... Yeah, too vulgar (and, ummmmmm, informative?). OK, so let's do something more historic, even educational: It's a three-dimensional version of the famous last supper with Jesus and all his disciples, but lurking behind him carrying a deadly paperweight is... Y'know what? Maybe a cake isn't the best idea. Some of us here have diabetes, after all. Probably safer just to celebrate with some celery sticks this time around and hope we can come up with better ideas by next year.","Jew","Ron Ben-Israel| The Little Tramp| Franz Sacher| Vic Seixas| Shel Silverstein"
615,"Alexander Pushkin",6,0,1,5,"One of the most frequent questions we get asked is ""how come some non-Jews have higher Jew Scores than some Jews?"" A fair question. The answer lies within the K Score. As we say in the FAQ, it stands for Kvell (Pride) and is subject to the whims of the creators of this website. So let's take a look at Russian author Alexander Pushkin. He was not Jewish, not even close (part black, actually), and his presence on our website is due to a recent Israeli(!) baseless rumor. So an I Score of 0, a O Score of 1 (and even that's a stretch), and a K Score of... 5. We can't go below 5. No, he is not Jewish, but damn it, we'd be so proud if he was. Pushkin is arguably (not even arguably. He is!) the greatest Russian author of all time (yes, that includes Tolstoy and Dostoyevsky| Not a Jew, Not a Jew), the father of modern Russian literature. Married the hottest woman in all of Russia and then killed in a duel over her... How can he be below a 5? And if that 5 gives him a Jew Score of 6 and puts him above such people with Jewish blood as say... Amy Fisher, then let it be so. It's our website, after all.","Sadly, Not a Jew","Joseph Brodsky| Amy Fisher| Boris Pasternak| Leo Tolstoy| Vladimir Vysotsky"
616,"Jamie Lee Curtis",9,3,3,3,"Ah, internet rumors. At JONJ we deal with them every day. Once you see someone claim that Kevin Costner is Jewish, you've seen them all. Well, there are no Jewish rumors about Jamie Lee Curtis. She is, through her father, Tony Curtis, a famed actor in his own right. The rumors about Jamie Lee is that she's a... hermaphrodite. Has male and female body parts. Yeah, that one might be a tad harder to prove than if someone is Jewish. The sources of the rumors? Her asexual name, her asexual haircut, and her adopted, as opposed to biological, children. (As if!) Yes, seems flimsy. But snopes.com, the website that issues verdicts on rumors, call this one... undetermined. Hmmmm. Perhaps someone should start HermaphroditeOrNotHermaphrodite.com...","Jew","Kevin Costner| Tony Curtis| Richard Gere| Christopher Guest| Tamara and Irina Press"
617,"Hedy Lamarr",10,4,2,4,"Hedy Lamarr was: a) an A-List Hollywood actress in the 1940s b) a pioneering inventor of wireless technology c) Hilter's secret mistress d) married to her divorce lawyer e) Jewish A trick question, to say the least. a) Yes. b) Yes, she helped invent something called ""frequency-hopping spread-spectrum"" technology. c) It is supposedly claimed in a biography, but no one knows if it's true. d) Yes, her sixth husband was her divorce lawyer... they probably spent so much time with each other on her first five divorces they couldn't help but get together. But of course, what we're really wondering is e). Hedy was born Jewish in Austria, but apparently became a Catholic later in her life. Rats. Movie star, inventor, serial divorcee... Wouldn't it be too much to ask for her to stay Jewish?","Borderline Jew","Rita Hayworth| Adolf Hitler| Erich Maria Remarque| Simone Signoret| Mae West"
618,"Robert Moses",7,4,2,1,"We have been accused, on occasion, of picking on people specifically because they are not Jews. Especially Jews who later converted, such as today's profile, Robert Moses. ""If you ding someone for being Jewish, you're an anti-semite,"" these critics say, ""so why is it OK to ding someone for not being Jewish?"" So we want to make it abundantly clear: We are dinging Robert Moses because in his own hubris and ego he nearly destroyed one of the most magical places on earth: New York City. We're dinging Robert Moses, the ""Master Builder"" of New York from 1930-1950, because he used his powers as the de-facto King of the City to line his own pockets and promote his own pet projects and cutesy theories rather than actually attempt to improve people's lives. We're dinging Robert Moses for his bigoted construction policies that intentionally left minorities out of the new New York, especially blacks. We're dinging Robert Moses for destroying the Bronx, isolating Long Island, driving the Dodgers and Giants to California, and attempting to plow under all of Greenwich Village and SoHo. We are dinging Robert Moses for everything he was: a despicable megalomaniac whose few good contributions to the city of New York were outweighed by his multitude of disastrous ones. The fact that he converted from Judaism has nothing to do with it. It just makes the process more enjoyable.","Barely a Jew","Michael Bloomberg| Ralph Branca| Ed Koch| Fiorello La Guardia| NA"
619,"Seven Dwarfs",11,3,4,4,"Time for more fun with the James Wilson Law! For those who missed it, the James Wilson Law states that in an ensemble cast of fictional characters, one of them must be Jewish. So howsabout the Seven Dwarfs? Grumpy: a little man with a big nose, a beard, and a lousy attitude? If that's not a Jew, we don't know who is (and since we've written over 600 of these darned things, we clearly do). Sleepy: see above. Doc: what good Jewish mama doesn't want her little boy to be a doctor? We don't know what Doc is a doctor of, but we're betting on a D.D.S. Bashful: Bashful represents the quiet, nerdy Jew. The smart one terrified of talking to girls. It's cool though, he goes off to college, makes a bunch of money, and ends up marrying some gorgeous shiksa. Sneezy: He's having some sort of tsuris. Clearly feeling a little verklempt. Maybe a bit of a shmoigel in his pertageleh? Regardless, a bowl of Malka's chicken soup should clear that right up. Happy: Happy is a conundrum. He's got the beard and the schnoz, but the personality? How many happy Jews are there out there? Seriously, even our comedians are oppressed and miserable. Here's our guess: he's a convert. And then there's Dopey. Listen, say whatever nasty epithet you've heard about Jews| scheming, conniving, cheating — dopey just isn't one of the words that comes up. Plus, he doesn't even have a beard! No, there's only one possibility: Dopey is the token goy. What's he doing hanging out with all the Hebrews? Who knows? But whatever the reason, you know there's always gotta be one. A reverse James Wilson Law — who knew?","Jew","Gimli| Knockers| Jacob Ries| Papa Smurf| James Wilson"
620,"Jerry Maguire",5,3,1,1,"We apologize in advance for the following sentence. SHOW ME THE JEWS! We're really, really, really sorry. Apology accepted? Good? Let's move on. Jerry Maguire? Tom Cruise? Jewish? In what world? Perhaps in this very world. Maguire was based on sports agent Leigh Steinberg, a Jew. But... for us, that's not enough. The movie is not called ""Leigh Steinberg"" or even ""Jerry Steinberg"". The name was goyified for a reason: Cruise, with his limited acting ability, just can't play a Jew. So, writer/director Cameron Crowe probably had that in mind when casting Cruise, so he took away the Jewishness and made the title character into an obvious gentile. So, are there Jews in ""Jerry Maguire""? Well, the ""adorable"" kid who stole America's hearts, Jonathan Lipnicki, is Jewish. But we're not really clamoring to profile him. And again, we're very very sorry for that sentence.","Not a Jew","Tom Cruise| Ari Gold| Jonathan Lipnicki| Drew Rosenhaus| Robert Wuhl"
621,"Bernard Malamud",14,5,4,5,"""All men are Jews, though few men know it.""| Bernard Malamud We are sorry, but we must disagree with Mr. Malamud, author of ""The Natural"" and one of the most esteemed Jewish American writers. We understand what he means in the broad sense, but... well, there are just a number of men who are NOT Jews, no matter how you choose to interpret the quote. We can list a few, but it's easier to click on the ""List by Score"" link on the left and browse through the 0s, 1s, and 2s. Nope, no Jews there. Besides, if every man WAS Jewish, it would make our website a tad more irrelevant, wouldn't it?","Jew","E. L. Doctorow| Joseph Heller| J. D. Salinger| Leon Uris| Herman Wouk"
622,"Shaun Tomson",10,4,2,4,"We visited California recently, and a friend suggested that we go surfing. Surfing? Jews don't surf! Seriously, what's the point of surfing? You try to stand on a board while waves are knocking you down... For all of what, five... ten seconds? For what? So you can ""ride the wave""? ""Hang five""? And the injuries? All the bruises and the broken bones! You better hope that insurance covers that! No thanks, dude... We'll stick to safer beach sports: sunbathing and sandcastle building. Pioneer surfer, Jewish South African Shaun Tomson? Exception that proves the rule.","Jew","Alan Gelfand| Gidget| Anat Lelior| Makua Rothman| Joel Stransky"
623,"Little Mac",9,3,2,4,"What is Punch-Out? Well, if you haven't played the game, Nintendo's Punch-Out puts players in the shoes of the young, talented Little Mac, beating up blatant racial stereotypes in an attempt to win the world boxing title. Yes, really. G-d Bless Japan. In any case, the game was just re-released for the Wii and it made us wonder: With so many borderline bigoted portrayals, where's the Jew? Let's pretend to be organized and do this all alphabetical-like: Aran Ryan is a ""crafty, cheating Irishman"" Bald Bull is Turkish and charges at you Bear Hugger is the Canadian champion who ""lives in the woods and trains with a bear"" Disco Kid is black (he's basically Billy Blanks) Don Flamenco is Spanish and tells us not to mess with his hair Glass Joe is a Frenchman who falls down after one hit (seriously, you can't make stuff like this up) Great Tiger is Indian and uses magic King Hippo is an overweight Pacific Islander who can't keep his pants from falling down Mr. Sandman is black (he's from Philly. Is he Black Rocky?) Piston Honda is Japanese and donates his winnings to his community Super Macho Man is white and from California. He'd be a possibility except no Jew has ever been referred to as Super Macho, so he's out. Soda Popinski (formerly Vodka Drunkenski) is a Russian with a drinking problem Von Kaiser is German and likes to shine his boots Let's all say it together now: Yes, really. In any case, how is it that Little Mac fights so many other groups, but not Jews? Isn't the game just begging for a Torah Matzoh character or something? There's only one possible explanation. Only one that explains the exploits of a character who fights so many historic Jewish enemies. For if Mac stands for anything, shouldn't it stand for Maccabee? That's right, people, we're going there. Little Mac?","Jew","B. J. Blazkowicz| Goblins| Mickey Goldmill| Johnny Klebitz| Wario"
624,"Jim Schwartz",4,0,1,3,"Anyone who follows football even slightly knows that it has not been a good decade for the Detroit Lions. Or century. Or millennium. In fact, on the list of all time terrible teams across sports, the Lions may very well be at the top. But after a long slumber of losing (again), the Lions have brought in a whole new management team (again), with the hopes of finally reviving the moribund Detroit franchise (again). And part of this miraculous revival is former Tennessee Titans assistant and defensive genius, head coach Jim Schwartz. Is Jim the savior the Detroit fans have prayed for? Will he bring Tennessee's toughness to the blue and silver? Can he whip rookie QB Matt Stafford into shape? And most importantly, is Jim Schwartz Jewish? In short, no. (Schwartz naming his son named Christian is kind of a giveaway.) Pretty disappointing, honestly. We had high hopes for prominent success and ended up with nothing. Kind of like every season for the Detroit Lions, right?","Not a Jew","DeAndre Levy| Marv Levy| Dan Orlovsky| Howie Roseman| Marty Schottenheimer"
625,"Melanie Laurent",11,4,3,4,"When we first heard of Quentin Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds, a movie about Nazi-killing Jews(!), we thought... great! We can never have enough of those! But our second thought was, after looking through the cast... where are the Jews? There's Brad Pitt leading the Basterds, but he's obviously not Jewish. There's B.J. Novak (Ryan from ""The Office""), so that's good (although a tad weird), and... ummm... Eli Roth, sure, and... that's it? But we don't need a super-Jewy-duper ensemble cast to see a Tarantino film, and see the film we did. Terrific. Exceeded all expectations. We were especially taken with Melanie Laurent, who plays Shosanna Dreyfus, a Jewish girl on the run from the Nazis. With all due respect to Christoph Waltz, who plays the Jew Hunter Hans Landa, Laurent steals the movie. Oh really, who do you expect us to pick? A Nazi played by an Austrian or a French Jew played by a French... Jew! Indeed, Melanie is Jewish. We might have never heard of her before, but she was recently won the Cesar (France's Oscar) for Most Promising Actress. And now, with Tarantino helping hand, she will likely become better known on this side of the pond. And, although it might be hard to top Basterds, we'll be watching.","Jew","Nora Arnezeder| Eva Green| Eli Roth| Quentin Tarantino| Christoph Waltz"
626,"Drew Rosenhaus",11,4,5,2,"Drew Rosenhaus is one of the most powerful agents in sports. And does he know how to pick out clients! If you're a big-name NFL player with disciplinary issues odds are that Rosenhaus represents you. As for the man himself, he is not much better than the people he represents. Drew Rosenhaus is brash, loud, and obnoxious. Drew Rosenhaus was called ""the most hated man in football"" by Sports Illustrated. Drew Ronsehaus always tries to make himself part of a story. Drew Rosenhaus is a prick. But Drew Rosenhaus saved a drowning boy's life by administering CPR. ""It was nice to be a good guy for once,"" Rosenhaus said. For once. So how do we reconcile that? Well, it avoids the ""Sadly, a Jew"" verdict. But just by a hair.","Jew","Alan Dershowitz| Rex Grossman| Harvey Levin| Ray Lewis| Jerry Maguire"
627,"Stephen Fry",10,3,3,4,"We love ""The Count of Monte-Cristo"". No, that doesn't do it justice. We LOVE ""The Count of Monte-Cristo"". It might just be our favorite book. So when we found out that English writer/comedian/actor Stephen Fry wrote a modern re-telling of the story, we were a tad cautious. After all, we're still pissed off at Hollywood for butchering the 2002 film version, the despicable dreck that somehow carried Dumas' name... Still, we picked up the book. Published in England as ""The Stars' Tennis Balls"" and re-titled for the American edition as ""Revenge"" (probably for the best| what is it with the British and their balls?), it's a clever, enjoyable read cover to cover that pays homage and gives justice to the original. Fry is definitely a talented writer. And let's not forget that he is Jewish... So, a round of applause for him. On the book, at least. His anti-Israel stance, on the other hand... Well, that's a debate for another time.","Jew","Michael Chabon| Jeno Fuchs| Neil Gaiman| Christopher Hitchens| Alan Rickman"
628,"Judge Judy",12,4,5,3,"There's a whole host of TV judges wandering the airwaves nowadays, but there are only two in our hearts: Judge Wapner of the People's Court and Judge Judy of... Judge Judy. Anyway, which one's better? Cage match! But since we don't have a cage on hand, we'll put them in this handy-dandy chart, instead: WapnerJudyHome BaseCaliforniaNew YorkVerdict: Judy. Both shows are filmed in California, but Judy is a former NYC judge, and that gives her the advantage.HairRecededDisheveledVerdict: Judy. A bad haircut is better than no hair at all. Trust us.Young LoveFuture screen star Lana TurnerFuture prosecutor Ronald LevyVerdict: Wapner. Because when normal people get to date future starlets, everyone wins.Book""From the Bench""""Beauty Fades, Dumb is Forever""Verdict: Push. Because when judges write, everyone loses.ParodyThe Devil goes to the People's Court on SNLTurned into ""Judge Harm"" on the SimpsonsVerdict: Wapner. Jon Lovitz in a red devil suit with floppy ears gets us every time.MudslingCalled Judy coarse and insultingCalled Wapner rude for pointing out that she is coarse and insultingVerdict: Wapner. Nobody likes a tattletale. Unless, y'know, they're right.ReligionJewJewAdvantage: Us. And so, once again we have scientifically proven that the winner is... BOTH! When it comes to semi-fictional, Jewish TV Judges, how can we possibly choose between them?","Jew","Gloria Allred| Ruth Bader Ginsburg| Elena Kagan| Ann Landers| Judge Wapner"
629,"Judge Wapner",12,5,3,4,"There's a whole host of TV judges wandering the airwaves nowadays, but there are only two in our hearts: Judge Wapner of the People's Court and Judge Judy of... Judge Judy. Anyway, which one's better? Cage match! But since we don't have a cage on hand, we'll put them in this handy-dandy chart, instead: WapnerJudyHome BaseCaliforniaNew YorkVerdict: Judy. Both shows are filmed in California, but Judy is a former NYC judge, and that gives her the advantage.HairRecededDisheveledVerdict: Judy. A bad haircut is better than no hair at all. Trust us.Young LoveFuture screen star Lana TurnerFuture prosecutor Ronald LevyVerdict: Wapner. Because when normal people get to date future starlets, everyone wins.Book""From the Bench""""Beauty Fades, Dumb is Forever""Verdict: Push. Because when judges write, everyone loses.ParodyThe Devil goes to the People's Court on SNLTurned into ""Judge Harm"" on the SimpsonsVerdict: Wapner. Jon Lovitz in a red devil suit with floppy ears gets us every time.MudslingCalled Judy coarse and insultingCalled Wapner rude for pointing out that she is coarse and insultingVerdict: Wapner. Nobody likes a tattletale. Unless, y'know, they're right.ReligionJewJewAdvantage: Us. And so, once again we have scientifically proven that the winner is... BOTH! When it comes to semi-fictional, Jewish TV Judges, how can we possibly choose between them?","Jew","Benjamin Cardozo| Felix Frankfurter| Judge Judy| Ed Koch| Jon Lovitz"
630,"Tamara and Irina Press",11,4,2,5,"South African runner Caster Semenya has been in the news a lot recently. The winner of the 800 meter race at the 2009 World Championship has had her gender questioned. Is she really a he? Or is she... somewhere in between? But we're not here to discuss Miss (Mr?) Semenya; that's for the tabloids (plus, remember, Not a Jew). We're here to go farther back into athletic history, specifically the 1960 Olympics in Rome and the 1964 games in Tokyo. There, track and field was dominated by a pair of Jewish(!) Soviet sisters, Tamara and Irina Press. Tamara took the gold in shot put in both games, and also won the discus in Tokyo. Irina took the 80 meter hurdles in Rome and added the pentathlon title four years later. So, should we revel in the athletic prowess of Jewish women? Not so fast. For, as rumors had it, the Press sisters were actually... the Press brothers. And, when gender testing became mandatory, the two disappeared off the sports scene completely. Well, let's not dwell on the gender of the Press siblings. Especially since Irina joined the KGB after her (forced?) retirement from sport... yes, let's make the matter rest. Were they women, men, hermaphrodites, or just pumped up with steroids? We might never know. But they were Jews. That's good enough for us. If only it was so easy for Caster Semenya.","Jew","Gretel Bergmann| Jamie Lee Curtis| Faina Melnik| Andrei Moiseev| Irena Szewinska"
631,"Jonathan Safran Foer",13,4,5,4,"Jonathan Safran Foer was born in 1977, making him about the same age as the creators of this very website. Jonathan Safran Foer wrote ""Everything Is Illuminated"", a novel about the search for his Jewish past. We adore it. The creators of this website wrote... this website, together with some dubious attempts at novels of various quality, some finished, some not. ""Everything Is Illuminated"" was called ""a work of genius"" by The Times. Foer received praise from John Updike, Salman Rushdie, Joyce Carol Oates, and many others. The creators of this website subsist on whatever positive comments our faithful readers send in. Thank you, dear readers! There might not be an Updike or a Rushdie among you, but we love you anyway. Sigh. Well, it's all right. The night is young.","Jew","Paul Auster| Mark Helprin| Nicole Krauss| Natalie Portman| Elijah Wood"
632,"Vin Diesel",3,0,1,2,"Can you tell someone is Jewish just by looking at them? Jews DO have a common ancestry, after all. And while we'd be the last people to recommend judging a Torah by its cover, we have to admit there are some common characteristics to look for when separating potential Jew from out-and-out goy. The nose is probably the most expected. Oh sure, the Poles have long been famed for a schnoz among schnozes. And a certain Long Island set will have had their prominent proboscises assimilated down to a more acceptable, Protestant shape. But for the most part, an exclamation point in the middle of the face is a good sign of one's Hebraic history. Height, or lack thereof, is also a fairly reliable tell. Red hair, while most associated with the Irish, can actually reveal some Jewish roots as well, especially if it's in the beard. Curly hair, dark eyes, olive skin, all can contribute to a nice, Jew-y pallor. Another feature to look for? No tattoos. After all, we Jews are prohibited from any desecration of the body, including the suddenly popular tats (and not including earrings for some reason which probably has more to do with fashion than commandment, but we digress). So, for instance, if someone such as Vin Diesel doesn't have tattoos, could that mean he might be Jewish? Eh, color us unimpressed. For one thing, we're not even clear if he does or doesn't have them (the Internet conflicts. Shocker). But even if he doesn't, we know for a fact that Vin is Italian and Black. And, more importantly, he hasn't made a good movie since Pitch Black in 2000. So what do we care, anyway? So, to sum up, you can't tell someone is Jewish just by looking at their tattoos. In fact, you can't tell what anyone is just by looking at them. But it doesn't take more than a glance at Vin Diesel to realize the following:","Not a Jew","Charles Bronson| Gabe Kapler| Steven Seagal| Terrell Suggs| Jean-Claude Van Damme"
633,"Philip Roth",15,5,5,5,"We love New Jersey. It's our home state, after all. From the Jersey Shore to the Appalachian Trail, from the Liberty Science Center to the Atlantic City casinos, from the Cherry Hill Mall to the Short Hills Mall, New Jersey has got it all. Alas, the largest city, Newark, is not a fair representative of our fair state. Recent attempts of urban renewal notwithstanding, it's still a crime-ridden, distraught city, where abandoned buildings seem to outnumber livable ones. Not so during Philip Roth's youth. Through the 1930s and 40s, Newark was a manufacturing center, a booming metropolis. And it was filled with Jews. 70,000 Jews. Imagine: where you now see bodegas, wig shops, and liquor stores, you would see delicatessens, synagogues, and Kosher liquor stores. The abandoned buildings were filled with voices of Jewish youth, studying for their bar mitzvahs, eating their chopped liver, getting berated by their mothers, stealing glances at young shiksas... That Newark helped shape Roth into one of the greatest American authors| ever. Today's Newark... well, here's hoping it gets back into shape.","Jew","Saul Bellow| Zoe Kazan| Norman Mailer| Bernard Malamud| Chaim Potok"
634,"Ben Zobrist",3,0,1,2,"We've gotten pretty tired of the Jewish sports stereotypes here at JONJ. People will tell you that Jews can't be basketball players or football players and we'd like to think we've proven that those things simply aren't true. Jews can be anything in sports they put their minds to. Except for maybe one thing: shortstop. As mentioned in our previous profile of the prolific Ian Kinsler, our fantasy baseball squad is short a man at short and it doesn't look like one is showing up to fill in any time soon. What is it about shortstop that repels Jews? Shortstops grab screaming liners, not ham sandwiches. They decide who catches pop-ups to the left side of the infield, not who gets baptized. And in the Torah, it says Thou Shalt Not Covet They Neighbor, not Thou Shalt Not Stand In The Space Between the Second and Third Baseman In A Game That Hath Not Yet Been Invented, But Trust Me, When It Shows Up It'll Be Awesome And You'll Want To Play So Do Me A Favor And Just Don't Fucking Do It. Well, we have no answers here. So just remember, when someone says that Igor Olshansky or Jordan Farmar or whoever can't be Jewish because of the sport they play, they're just being ludicrous. But when they tell you that David Eckstein or Ben Zobrist or anyone else playing shortstop in the majors is a Jew, well, we couldn't blame you for being equally as skeptical.","Not a Jew","Lou Boudreau| David Eckstein| Sam Fuld| Gabe Kapler| Ian Kinsler"
635,"Ari Gold",13,5,5,3,"The last two seasons of ""Entourage"" have been criticized at length. Supposedly, the show, once a cunning satire of Hollywood, has lost its edge. Maybe that's the case. But you know what? It doesn't matter. We still watch. Why? Two words: Ari. Gold. The Jewish super-agent, based on Jewish super-agent Ari Emanuel, and played brilliantly by Jeremy Piven, OWNS the show. We don't care if Vince and his buddies get stupider by the episode. As long as Ari remains Ari, spewing venom and showing who really runs Hollywood (clue: it's NOT the goyim), we'll keep watching. Oh, and two more words: Johnny. Drama. (Not a Jew.) Seriously, critics. There are two characters on the show who are always good for some laughs. With all the dreck on TV nowadays, what more can you ask for?","Jew","Scott Caan| Adrian Grenier| Jerry Maguire| Jeremy Piven| Mark Wahlberg"
636,"Andres Cantor",9,4,2,3,"JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWW!!!!!","Jew","Don Francisco| Jose Pekerman| Sebastian Rozental| Walter Samuel| Juan Pablo Sorin"
637,"Wyatt Earp",4,1,0,3,"Famed Wild West lawman Wyatt Earp was married to a Jewish woman and was buried in a Jewish cemetery. We wonder... ""Honey, I am home!"" ""Well, look who the cat dragged in. Wyatt Berry Stapp Earp!"" ""Glad to see you too, honey."" ""Don't you honey me, Wyatt! Do you know what time it is?"" ""It's five past seven."" ""Five past seven, five past seven. Do you know what DAY it is, Wyatt?"" ""Ummmm... Tuesday, ma'am."" ""That's right, Wyatt, Tuesday! And where were you the whole week-end?"" ""Lawing and policing, ma'am."" ""Lawing and policing! Look at him, the bigshot gunslinger! Oh, why didn't I listen to my mother! She always said you were no good for me! Marry a doctor, she said! Hyman Moskowitz! You remember Hyman Moskowitz, Wyatt?"" ""No, ma'am."" ""He has his own hospital now, Wyatt! His own hospital! And I could have been... Mrs. Hyman Moskowitz. Josephine Sarah Moskowitz. Just rolls off your tongue, doesn't it?"" ""I... I am sorry?"" ""You? You are sorry! Don't you know that we were supposed to go to Uncle Schlomo's for Shabbat dinner?"" ""Josie... I forgot."" ""You forgot! You never liked Uncle Schlomo, didn't you?"" ""I like your family just fine..."" ""You say that NOW!"" ""Josie... How can I make it up to you?"" ""Oh, Wyatt, my little goytchik. How could you ever make it up to me?... Here, sit down, eat."" ""What is... that?"" ""Kishkes.""","Not a Jew","Broncho Billy Anderson| Solomon Bibo| Morris ""Two-Gun"" Cohen| Kevin Costner| Pancho Villa"
638,"Barney Frank",11,4,4,3,"Barney Frank is one of the most prominent members of Congress. A staunch liberal, he is known for helping make deals between the left and the right. He has been elected to the House of Representatives for 15 straight terms, without much opposition. But Barney Frank will never become president. Other than the staunch liberal part, there are a number of reasons: #1. He has a goofy voice. Americans don't want their president sounding like a cartoon character. Not after W gave us eight years of Dopey. #2. He is gay. That might work in Pinkochusetts, but on the national scale? Fuggetaboutit. #3. He is Jewish. Somehow, in a race for president, we feel that's a bigger handicap than #1 and #2. Well, maybe not #2. But it's close.","Jew","Tammy Baldwin| Gabrielle Giffords| Jared Polis| Bernie Sanders| Henry Waxman"
639,"Sidney Franklin",10,4,2,4,"As part of JONJ's continued dedication to our long history and the Jewish community, we will occasionally republish profiles from our historical archives. Today we present Sidney Franklin, the bullfighter from Brooklyn, written in 1932 for ""Jew or Not Jew Monthly"" by former staff member Ernest from Illinois. Most Spaniards do not go to bull fights, only a small proportion do, and of those who attend, the competent aficionados are limited in number. Yet many times I have heard people say that they asked a Spaniard, an actual Spaniard, mind you, what sort of bullfighter Sidney Franklin was, and the Spaniard said he was very brave but very awkward and did not know what it was all about. If you asked that Spaniard if he had seen Franklin fight he would say no; what has happened is that he has told the way, from national pride, the Spaniards hoped he would fight. He does not fight that way at all. Franklin is brave with a cold, serene, and intelligent valor but instead of being awkward and ignorant he is one of the most skillful, graceful, and slow manipulators of a cape fighting today. His repertoire with the cape is enormous but he does not attempt by a varied repertoire to escape from the performance of the veronica as the base of his cape work and his veronicas are classical, very emotional, and beautifully timed and executed. You will find no Spaniard who ever saw him fight who will deny his artistry and excellence with the cape. Thank you, Mr. Hemingway. Whatever happened to you after you left JONJ?","Jew","Bette Midler| Nero| Mose Solomon| The Spanish| Gertrude Stein"
640,"Mort Goldman",11,5,5,1,"Let's talk about stereotypes. At its best, a stereotype is a kind of cultural shorthand, an observed and accepted commonality. It's never ""good"" in the politically correct parlance of our time, but it's something we can appreciate| perhaps a little ruefully, no doubt — and begrudgingly accept. But at its worst — and we've all seen it at its worst — a stereotype becomes a bigoted whitewash. Not a mirror but a caricature with all the negatives called out and exaggerated for the purposes of belittling the person being described. It stops being funny or knowing and instead becomes obscene. Insulting. As a culture, we are unable to really pick our stereotype — that's for others to decide — but we have our preferences: Jews are smart, good with money, nerdy, obsessed with food, humorous. We understand and we can live with that. But then there's this crap: Jews are weak, greedy, terrified of women, ugly, clowns. In other words, the shlemiel pictured here, Mort Goldman. When it's familiar and friendly, we're happy to laugh along with the crowd, ""ha ha, you got us."" But there's a certain point we're pushed to stop and say, ""hey, that's not funny."" And Mort Goldman is not funny. Not on occasion, not ever. He's not a playful tweaking of our oversized noses, but a punch to the face with with the implied question ""why aren't you laughing?"" as the blood runs down our chins. Look, it's Family Guy. Everybody takes it in the crotch and the more offensive it is the more likely you'll see it on next week's episode. Getting mad at them is like getting mad at Howard Stern — they're looking for a rise out of you. So we watch. We smile. And when Mort Goldman comes on, well, we pay a little less attention. We just hope everyone else does, too Just remember, he's a Jewish character. A Jewish stereotype. But only in a fictional sense.","Sadly, a Jew","Beavis| Alex Borstein| Lois Griffin| Bill Nye| Howard Stern"
641,"Jon Hamm",5,1,0,4,"Dear Mr. Hamm, Hi. You probably don't know us. We're Jew or Not Jew, the website that rates people based on their Jewishness. We even profiled your alter ego, Don Draper, earlier this year. Take a look at his profile. It's a fun read. We're writing to you on behalf of our female readers. Apparently, Mr. Hamm, many of them are quite taken with you. It appears that yentas find your goyishe looks somewhat attractive. And we're putting that mildly. You see, Mr. Hamm, we have gotten quite a few requests to profile you on our website. But... we just can't. You're so NOT Jewish. No one in their right mind could think that you are. Now, if only you could marry a Jewish woman... Then, by the Kevin Bacon Rule, we could profile you! Perhaps you can even pick one of our female readers... You should see some of our female readers! H, O, T, HOT! Or, if our readers are not good enough for you, maybe you could just go ahead and marry your girlfriend, Jennifer Westfeldt. You've been together for what, 12 years? Isn't that enough to make an honest woman out of her? Or... are you afraid of her Jewish mother? You'll get over that in due time, we assure you. Of course, you'll have to do something about your last name.","Sadly, Not a Jew","Bill Bernbach| Bryan Cranston| Don Draper| Matthew Weiner| Jennifer Westfeldt"
642,"Harvey Levin",10,4,5,1,"There is a lot of crap on TV nowadays. Frankly, with hundreds of channels at our fingertips, most of it is bound to be bad. But there's crap, and then there's CRAP. And TMZ is definitely the latter. At least with My Mother The Car there was an attempt at a plot... Wait, why are we defending that dreck? We'll never even fake-defend TMZ. Perhaps the first TV show to spin off from a website (hey! Where's JONJ: The TV Show?), TMZ is 30 minutes of donkey feces, which consists of paparazzi stalking celebrities and... No, that's it. Paparazzi stalking celebrities. Hey look, there's Lindsay Lohan drinking a Coolatta! There's Britney Spears shopping at the Baby Gap! There's... Enough. And the man who created, produces, and stars on TMZ? Harvey Levin. Yep... a Jew. It seems like a bit of a waste, really. Why couldn't he use his immeasurable talents to seek out and publicize the actions of Jews? Oh, wait. Cause that's our job. Right...","Sadly, a Jew","Jon Gosselin| Lindsay Lohan| Maury Povich| Geraldo Rivera| Britney Spears"
643,"Lois Griffin",8,3,2,3,"Watching ""Family Guy"" leads to all kinds of questions: Can everyone understand what Stewie is saying? Why does Peter keep fighting a giant, yellow chicken? Is Brian a man who looks like a dog? Or a dog that just talks? And if he is, why does he date human women? Why are they showing Conway Twitty singing for 10 minutes? Didn't we already see this on ""The Simpsons""? And so forth. One thing we didn't ask about? The recent episode where it was revealed that Lois Griffin is Jewish. But seriously, a red haired, large nosed, nagging, well-heeled daddy's girl? The only question we have here is how we ever thought she wasn't a member of the tribe.","Borderline Jew","Alex Borstein| Mort Goldman| Seth Green| Mila Kunis| Gene Simmons"
644,"Antonio Sabato Jr.",6,3,1,2,"Today, on ""The Bold and the Restless""... Alicia: Hello, Antonio. Antonio: Hello, Alicia. Alicia: Are you excited about tomorrow? Antonio: Oh, Alicia! I cannot marry you! Alicia: You cannot marry me? But I love you, my Italian hunk! Antonio: I have a terrible secret. Alicia: What is it? Are you... really my brother? Antonio: No, my love... it's not that. Alicia: Do you have a twin who switches places with you every other week? Antonio: Oh, how I wish! No, it's much, much worse! Alicia: Whatever it is, my love, I'm sure we can get over it. Antonio: Oh, Alicia! Alicia: Oh, Antonio! Tell me, oh just get it over with and tell me! Antonio: I am Jewish. Alicia: You are... what? Antonio: Jewish. Alicia: But... that can't be! Antonio: It is true... Alicia: But... you wear a cross! Antonio: Oh, I know, I know! My Jewishness is such a cross to bear! Alicia: I do not understand. Antonio: My mother... she hid her roots from the rest of the family. She told me last night. Alicia: How could she do such a horrible thing! Antonio: Oh, my love, don't judge her! She's my mother! Alicia: Oh, Antonio! Hold me! Antonio: Oh, Alicia! Alicia: Antonio, it's doesn't matter if you're Jewish, black, or Eskimo! I will still marry you! Antonio: So can you accept me as this... yidele? Alicia: I can, my love, I can!","Barely a Jew","Ruben Amaro Jr.| Joan and Jackie Collins| William Levy| Sarah Mintz| Freddie Prinze Jr."
645,"Larry Brown",11,4,3,4,"Every family has an uncle like our Uncle Larry. Uncle Larry used to be cool. Every Passover Seder, he would show up with a new woman on his arm. And we couldn't wait to see who his ""friend"" is this year. There was Amanda, the stewardess. Jennifer, the massage therapist. Amy, the... We forgot what Amy did, but she didn't look too shabby doing it. And then there was Samantha. What can we say about Samantha? We used to stay up all night, thinking about Samantha... The years went by, and the women kept changing. And at some point, it stopped being cool, and started to become quite creepy. Every year, our mother would sigh as Uncle Larry introduced his new friend. Tammy, Karen, Laura... there was even a Christina. That was a weird Passover. And Uncle Larry is still going strong... only we are not looking forward to his visits as much as we used to. So yes, Larry Brown has coached a lot of different basketball teams. And just like good old Uncle Larry, it used to be cool. But now, it's just sad.","Jew","Red Auerbach| Lawrence Frank| Red Holzman| Tony Kornheiser| Jeff and Stan Van Gundy"
646,"Leonard Cohen",13,5,4,4,"Here's something we've noticed after reading through our 600+ profiles: whenever someone converts from Judaism to Christianity, our gloves are off. We make fun of them, blast their decision, rightfully lower their Jew Score and slap them with a ""Barely a Jew"" verdict at best. And all in good cause: anyone who replaces Judaism with Jesus deserves to be ridiculed. We're looking at you, Kathie Lee Gifford. But when a Jew starts practicing Buddhism, we respond a little differently. We don't seem to mind much, and the verdicts range from ""Jew"" to ""Borderline Jew"" at worst. And that's likely because Buddhism can be seen as a way of thought rather than a religion. Because it requires a bit more than worshiping a dead guy nailed to a cross. Because a Jewish Buddhist somehow makes a tad more sense than a Jewish Christian. And singer/songwriter/poet Leonard Cohen agrees with our premise. 100% Jewish by birth, he immersed in Buddhism, becoming ordained as a Buddhist monk. Yet, Cohen sees no conflict in being a Buddhist Jew. ""I'm not looking for a new religion,"" he says. ""I'm quite happy with the old one, with Judaism."" You'll never hear that from Kathie Lee Gifford.","Jew","Kathie Lee Gifford| Allen Ginsberg| Philip Glass| Jeremy Piven| Garry Shandling"
647,"George Cohen",7,2,1,4,"Has a Jew ever won the soccer World Cup, the post prestigious trophy in all of team sports? And we don't mean as an assistant coach or a team physician, we mean as a player. Well, let's do the math. The World Cup has been played 18 times. Each roster, counting substitutes and bench, consists of 22 or 23 players. That's about 400 total champions. 21 have won the title more than once, so let's say we're left with 380 players. Surely, one of them must be Jewish. Right? Right? Let's try South America first. Brazil (five titles) is a reach; besides, it would be pretty difficult to deciphering a Jew among one-names like Garrincha and Jairzinho. Argentina and Uruguay (two titles each) just might give us something, with turn-of-the-century immigration and all. But... let's just say that digging through Gonzalezes and Perezes to find a Jew is a tough task. So let's leave South America for now. On to Europe. Germany's three titles all came after World War II, so we're gonna say no on that one. Two of Italy's three came during Mussolini's time, and they added one three years ago, but a quick glance at that roster does not give us a Jew. Neither does one at France's squad in 1998: lots of first and second generation immigrants, but alas, no Jews. So we're left with England, champions in 1966, and their starting fullback George Cohen. Cohen, recently named the best right back in English history, is not Jewish, but does have Jewish heritage (his name is Cohen, after all). So do we have our World Cup winning Jew, or will Cohen not do? Hmmmm. Maybe we should research those Argentinians and Uruguayans after all.","Barely a Jew","David Beckham| Peter Lorimer| Lothar Matthaus| David Trezeguet| Zinedine Zidane"
648,"George Michael",4,1,1,2,"""I can't believe Liberace was gay. I mean, women loved him! I didn't see that one coming.""| Austin Powers Some surprising revelations seem obvious afterward. It's easy to look back on things now and think, ""wow, those people were idiots!"" But, for those of us who lived it, everything wasn't always so clear while it was going on. For instance, when we look back on George Michael, it seems so obvious: The earring, the outfits, the ridiculous music videos, even the lyrics of his songs, my G-d, that man is GAY. Super gay. Scores a 5 on the O score of GayOrNotGay.com gay. Quick aside, because well, there's no other place to put it: when we say 'gay' we mean people who have relationships with people who are the same sex as they are. And when we say it, there is no judgment or moral statement implied. It's the people using the word gay pejoratively — and we can't say this strongly enough — THEY are the people we have contempt and disgust for. They are the people destroying this country, not the millions of perfectly nice people who would happily live productive and fulfilling lives if we would just leave them the hell alone. But in the 1980s, when millions of heterosexual women thought George Michael was flat out gorgeous, it wasn't even a question. He was as masculine as Prince or Boy George or... y'know what? Maybe we were just idiots in the 80s. That's really the only possible explanation. In any case, maybe someday the fact that George Michael claims to be part Jewish will seem obvious, even tautological. But for now — wow, cross earring and all — we have to say, we just never saw it coming. (Editor's update: We're fully aware of claims that George Michael had a Jewish grandmother. However, actual genealogical research has shown otherwise. So, Not a Jew.)","Not a Jew","Marc Bolan| David Bowie| Boy George| Michael Jackson| Prince"
649,"Paul Erdos",13,4,4,5,"Paul Erdos was... a tad strange, even for a mathematician. He lived his life going from house to house, sleeping on colleagues' couches. He co-authored so many papers that he is the center of a Kevin Baconesque network of Erdos numbers. He won a $500 bet for staying off amphetamines for a month. He developed his own vocabulary, where women were called ""bosses"" and men were ""slaves"". But it's Erdos' relationship with G-d that concerns us most. Born to a Jewish family in Budapest, he became an agnostic, but did not exactly strike G-d out of his life. Erdos accused G-d of... hiding his socks, and called him the ""Supreme Fascist"". G-d a fascist? Well, we failed to look at it that way, but let's think about it. Dictionary.com defines ""fascism"" as ""a governmental system led by a dictator (check) having complete power (check), forcibly suppressing opposition and criticism (check: just leaf through the Bible), regimenting all industry, commerce, etc. (hmmm.... maybe not this one), and emphasizing an aggressive nationalism and often racism (well, we are the Chosen People, right?). So, if G-d is not a fascist, then it's close. Oh boy. What did we get ourselves into here?","Jew","Kevin Bacon| G-d| Ray Kurzweil| Peter Lax| George and Esther Szekeres"
650,"Lou Boudreau",8,3,1,4,"It seems like every year we have a quest. Last year, it was our quest for a prominent, respectable Jewish politician. This year, it seems we're set on searching for a starting shortstop, and after a false start with Ben Zobrist, we finally have our man: MVP, manager, broadcaster and (OMG!) shortstop Lou Boudreau. Oh sure, the name sounds French, but Boudreau's got his Judaism where it counts (on his mother's side, although he was raised Catholic). And sure, unless you're one of the people that actually got the joke in our Nate Silver profile, you probably have no earthly idea who Boudreau was. But we're not talking about some random kid who happened to stand at short, here. Boudreau was the real deal, led the Indians to the championship in 1948 (their LAST championship, we might add), made multiple all star teams, and was a legitimate Hall of Famer. So there you have it| quest got. What will we search for next year? Jewish Eskimos, Jewish sports mascots, Jewish synchronized swimmers? Who knows? Anything is possible. (Except that last one.)","Barely a Jew","John Baker| Michael Bloomberg| Ralph Kiner| Al Rosen| Ben Zobrist"
651,"Napoleon Bonaparte",4,0,0,4,"Don't worry, nation of France, Napoleon was not Jewish. He was not secretly a Talmudic scholar. He did not enjoy bagels with lox. He did not make Josephine shave off her hair after they got married. Well, at least as far as we know. But he did declare France the ""Homeland of the Jews"". No, seriously, he did. But don't take our word for it. Let him speak for himself. ""My primary desire was to liberate the Jews and make them full citizens. I wanted to confer upon them all the legal rights of equality, liberty and fraternity as was enjoyed by the Catholics and Protestants. It is my wish that the Jews be treated like brothers as if we were all part of Judaism."" Hooray! Way to go, Little Corporal! Vive le France! Vive Napoleon! But... why would he, after centuries of oppression, give Jews such freedoms? Did he have a secret Jewish ancestry? Maybe those bagels and lox did make it to his breakfast table? The answer is simpler than that. And we'll let him speak again. ""As an added benefit, I thought that this would bring to France many riches because the Jews are numerous..."" Great. More stereotypes about Jews and money. So nauseating. But y'know what? We'll take it. Still better than the Germans.","Sadly, Not a Jew","Alexander the Great| Herz Cerfbeer| Hannibal| Peter the Great| Nicolas Sarkozy"
652,"Artie Ziff",12,5,5,2,"What would have happened if Marge married Artie Ziff instead of Homer Simpson? nerd who took her to the prom before she dumped him for Homer.) What religion would their kids be? Artie would obviously want to raise them Jewish, but it's not likely Marge would give up whatever mysterious Christian denomination she belongs too... Would they try some kind of a compromise, perhaps alternating between Reverend Lovejoy's church and Rabbi Krustofski's temple? And speaking of the kids, Would Bart (not too many Jews named Bart... Baruch?) still be a chronic underachiever? Perhaps he would be the captain of his school's chess team? Would Lisa (Leah?) still be... on second thought, Lisa could already pass for Jewish. And what of Homer? Would he have settled for someone like Edna Krabappel? Or, perhaps, would he have his chance with Mindy Simmons? (But then, Homer met Mindy at the Power Plant, and he only started working there when he found that Marge was pregnant with Bart and he needed a better-paying job, so maybe the two never meet, and Homer spends his life working on a miniature golf course, pining for the one that got away...) So many questions...","Sadly, a Jew","Superintendent Chalmers| Julie Kavner| Jon Lovitz| Lewis Skolnick| Dolph Starbeam"
653,"Arthur Eichengrun",14,5,4,5,"We apologize, dear JONJ readers. We know that you're expecting a new profile today, but... we just have a splitting headache. It's like an entire platoon wearing iron-toed boots is marching on our head. Maybe an aspirin will help. A glass of water... There we go. Wow, that did the trick. Aspirin truly is the wonder drug. So where were we... Yes, today's JONJ profile. Let's see who is on schedule... Corey Haim? Well, Mr. Haim can wait. Let's keep talking about Asprin, and more specifically, about Aspirin inventor Arthur Eichengrun. A Jew who worked for German pharmaceutical giant Bayer, Eichengrun developed the wonder drug in 1897... but never got the credit for it. No, the credit went instead to ethnic German Felix Hoffmann. Apparently, Bayer did not want a Jew to walk away with the laurels. Even when Eichengrun's claim was re-examined by non-partial University of Strathclyde in Glasgow 50 years after the scientist's death, in 1999, Bayer stuck to their guns, denying the Jew his rightful place in history. But that's all right. Here we know who the true inventor of Aspirin is. And even if Germans denied Eichengrun that, they could never deny him the invention of Protargol... used to treat gonorrhea. Which, unlike a headache, we don't have to worry about. We hope.","Jew","Ernst Chain| Siegfried Marcus| Gregory Pincus| Ignaz Semmelweis| Wilhelm Weinberg"
654,"Nadira",9,4,2,3,"Farhat Ezekiel was born in 1932 to a Jewish family in Baghdad. My red muslin scarf is blowing in the wind, yes, may it happen Wind is blowing, my heart is trembling My scarf is flying, revealing my face We're sorry... Where the hell did that singing come from? My red muslin scarf? We don't even own a red scarf. Anyway... Nadira, as she became to be known, moved to India, and in 1952, got a start in Bollywood, playing a savage princess in the movie ""Aan"". Her next big role Your body is like sandalwood, Your naughty glances, your soft smile, People should not blame me if I become crazy Oh boy. We apologize. We don't really know what's going on. It looks like attempting to write about a Bollywood actress (can you believe it, a JEWISH Bollywood actress!) somehow spontaneously breaks us into song. Absurd, we know! Comparing a body to sandalwood? Not something we would do on our own, trust us My dream is a beautiful face Sight of her makes one ecstatic I will do this glorious deed And make my name in the world of heart Stop it, stop it, STOP IT!","Jew","Michael Bennet| Napoleon Einstein| Mahatma Gandhi| Ben Kingsley| Ben Rappaport"
655,"Christoph Waltz",5,1,0,4,"Quentin Tarantino calls Christoph Waltz ""very similar"" to the character he plays in ""Inglourious Basterds"", Hans Landa. Considering that Landa is an officer in the SS known as a ""Jew Hunter"", it's not a comparison that should be made lightly. But Tarantino clarifies it. ""Not the Nazi part,"" he says, ""but his erudition and his cleverness."" Oh, and just to make it clear, ""Waltz's son is a rabbi in Israel"". Whew. And here we were worri... say what? His son is a who now? In... where? Christoph Waltz? The Aryan Austrian? CHRISTOPH Waltz? Could it be? Well, from the looks of it, Waltz himself is not Jewish. The Jewishness of his son most likely comes from Christoph's New Yorker ex-wife. Still, we wonder... What was Rabbi Waltz's service like the Friday night after ""Basterds"" premiere?","Not a Jew","Melanie Laurent| Samm Levine| B. J. Novak| Eli Roth| Quentin Tarantino"
656,"Danny Elfman",11,4,4,3,"Do you remember 1989? Oh yes, the heady days of Bush, the First. As the Berlin Wall fell, two other major cultural and geopolitical events were occurring: The first Batman movie arrived in June and the first Simpsons episode ran in December. OK, so maybe these were slightly below the fall of Communism in importance. But really only slightly. Tim Burton's Batman changed the landscape of superheroes as legitimate entertainment| at the time the refuge for B-movies and mind-numbing camp — to the multi-trillion blockbusters that they are today. And The Simpsons revolutionized television, not just for animated shows, but for writing and comedy as well. And Danny Elfman was a part of them both, composing the opening theme for the Simpsons and the soundtrack for the Batman film. Of course, he's done other work since then, but it's those two works that have been his most iconic. His most memorable and most emulated. But 1989 is a ways away now, isn't it? We're all the way through the reign of Bush the Second. The new Batman film franchise has swallowed the Tim Burton one whole, leaving nothing but wonder at how we could ever have thought it was good. And the Simpsons, like an old, rusted Corvette, are chugging along, a shadow of their former glory, getting passed by faster, more modern, inferior models. As for Danny, well, he's still working (the aforementioned Spider-Man), but the work has lost a lot of its luster. Much like his former charges, he's seen less as a unique, groundbreaking piece of art and more like the refuge of the lowest common denominator. It's a shame. We really liked 1989.","Jew","Jenna Elfman| Alan Menken| Randy Newman| Sam Raimi| Hans Zimmer"
657,"Michael Douglas",11,3,4,4,"We're big fans of Bill Simmons here at JONJ. For those who don't follow sports or are over the age of 50, Simmons, aka the Sports Guy, is the highly popular columnist, podcaster, and Teen Wolf connoisseur over on ESPN.com. One of Simmons' running jokes is the ""Reggie Cleveland All-Stars"", athletes whose names sound black but who are really white, such as the eponymous baseball player Reggie Cleveland. So imagine our joy when on a recent podcast Simmons introduced his newest group of All-Stars, the ""Michael Douglas All-Stars"": people whose name doesn't sound Jewish, but who are. And y'know what? That's not a bad choice. Douglas is Jewish through his father's side (the previously profiled Kirk Douglas). Most importantly however, he self-identifies as a Jew, so it's all good (we would have gone with Yaphet Kotto All Stars ourselves, but hey, it's his Internet, we're just writing on it). In any case, it's a neat idea and lots of fun to hear someone other than ourselves obsess about Jews for once. So, yeah, hooray for Bill Simmons! He's the greatest! Except... Simmons then continues: ""why aren't there any websites that talk about who's Jewish and who isn't?"" Ummm... hello? Over here? Sheesh. Come on, Simmons. We've forgiven you for writing only one column every six months. The least you could do is check Google every once in a while.","Jew","Kirk Douglas| Gordon Gekko| Michael Keaton| Yaphet Kotto| Kathleen Turner"
658,"Daphne Rosen",9,5,2,2,"If you believe in aliens, then you have to believe that when they arrive they will have questions. #1 being: ""Why the heck are you humans so obsessed with the act of reproduction?"" And even if that question could somehow be skipped over, the next would have to be ""Well then, why are you humans so obsessed with looking at female mammary glands? Especially those of prodigious size?"" And we really have no answer for that, do we? In fact, thinking about it, the whole thing is really quite bizarre. Human reproduction is a natural process, one all of us will participate in at one point or another, probably multiple times. The need to procreate is as hardwired as eating or sleeping. But you don't see piles upon piles of media dedicated to watching people eat, do you? Just look at the Internet. Here we have the most amazing communicative device that allows for instant sharing of ideas. And we use it almost exclusively for displaying naked chicks. It's been millennia and we still can't even get over what we look like naked? Really? So what does porn star (and Jew) Daphne Rosen have to say about all this? ""There's not a lot of girls that are as busty or have real big tits as I am, and willing to do quite as much as I am. It's really cool because I'm able to be in the big bust world. But I'm really nasty enough to be a real live porn star. I've got the big bust but I don't use them as an excuse for only doing 'Disney' porn."" See what we're saying? How are we going to be able to answer for THAT? Seriously? Disney porn? What the fuck does that even mean? And we wonder why the aliens haven't shown up yet...","Jew","Joanna Angel| Soleil Moon Frye| Jess Greenberg| Jenna Jameson| Chesty Morgan"
659,"Dolph Schayes",13,5,4,4,"In 1996, for it's 50th anniversary, the NBA came up with a list of its greatest 50 players of all time. Jordan, Bird, etc. You know the names. Not all of the names, however. Say, Dolph Schayes. We heard of his son, Danny, who at the time was winding down a journeyman career. But Dolph? He wasn't exactly a Jordan or a Bird. Of course, back in 1996 we did not run a website about Jews, so now we know all about Schayes. Dolph) was the prototypical power forward in the 1950s. He was named rookie of the year in 1949, to the All-NBA team six times, once led the league in rebounding, three times| in free throw percentage. He was also a champion: Schayes took the Syracuse Nationals (the precursor of the Philadelphia 76ers) to the title in 1955. When he retired in 1964, he was not only the NBA's all-time leader in games played, but also in scoring (take that, Jordan and Bird!). Wow. Just wow. Do you want more? Sure you do, who doesn't love reading about Jews excelling in sport! After retiring, Schays went into coaching, and was named the NBA Coach of Year in 1966. In 1973, he made the Basketball Hall of Fame. Amazing, isn't it? In fact, the sole blemish on Dolph's career was the production of his unremarkable son. At least that added another Jew to the NBA all-time roster, didn't it?","Jew","Red Auerbach| Rudy LaRusso| Roy Rubin| Barney Sedran| Max Zaslofsky"
660,"Crazy Eddie",9,4,4,1,"If you grew up in the tri-state area in the late 1970s and early 80s, then you know Crazy Eddie from his meshuggenah television and radio ads: running around like he was having some sort of stroke and screaming about low (crazy low, some might say) prices for electronics goods. Of course, the fellow we all remember from those ads was just an actor (radio personality Jerry Carroll, actually. Not a Jew). But the man whose name adorned the sign was real enough, a Syrian Jew, Eddie Antar, really referred to as Crazy Eddie. Unfortunately, though Eddie's prices might have been a steal, he was doing more than a little stealing himself. After years of dirty dealings, the SEC indicted the entire Antar family in 1989 for a laundry list of embezzlements and securities frauds. Here's the fun part: To avoid prosecution, Eddie fled to Israel and changed his name to David Jacob Levi Cohen (aka, JEW!!!!). Now that's inssssSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE! It was also not that great of an idea. (For future reference, if you're going to flee the country, try not to go to a place that has an extradition treaty. Especially one that's as tight with the Stars and Stripes as Israel is.) Eddie was picked up in Tel Aviv and convicted soon afterward. Eddie has since served his time (white collar crime, FTW!) and has tried to restart his Crazy Eddie chain but as of this writing it seems to have fallen by the wayside. Sort of like our love for Crazy Eddie, himself. If we were writing this site in 1979 (which would have been quite a feat, since y'know, no Internet) we would have been pretty excited to have Crazy Eddie as a Jew. Nowadays though, we just don't have a lot of heart for money-grubbing criminals who use their Judaism to try to escape from their misdeeds. Seriously, why does it always have to be Jews and money? Can't we just murder people like everyone else? function loadPic(x) { setImage('crazy_eddie'+x); }","Sadly, a Jew","B&H Photo Video| Uri Geller| Barry Minkow| Vince Shlomi| Sy Sperling"
661,"Stephen Breyer",14,5,4,5,"You gotta hand it to Bill Clinton. He had a chance to make two appointments to the Supreme Court, and he made the best of both of them. No, dear conservative readers, not because both Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Stephen Breyer tend to lean left. It's because both Ginsburg and Breyer are Jewish. That's right, Bill Clinton went two for two when he had the chance, picking the sixth and seventh Jewish Supreme Court judges in US history. For the record, the first five were: Louis Brandeis, Benjamin Cardozo, the delightfully named Felix Frankfurter, Arthur Goldberg, and Abe Fortas (not to be confused with Abe Froman, the sausage king of Chicago). In fact, Fortas succeeded Goldberg, who succeeded Frankfurter, who succeeded Cardozo, giving rise to the nickname of the ""Jewish seat"". Perhaps it's time to resurrect that, President Obama? You don't want Bill Clinton to be getting all the JONJ praise, do you? (Editor's update: this was written before Elena Kagan. Good job, Barack!)","Jew","Ruth Bader Ginsburg| Louis Brandeis| Bill Clinton| Felix Frankfurter| Elena Kagan"
662,"Rod Serling",9,4,2,3,"You're traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind; a journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination| Next stop, the Jew Zone. Picture if you will, a young, talented man from Upstate New York. An intelligent, creative young man, he is haunted by his experiences in World War II. Then, in the 1960s, he invents a television program called the ""Twilight Zone"" that uses science fiction stories to convey his personal beliefs about society, religion, and more. The upbringing, the background, the science fiction: all the evidence would lead you to the conclusion that Rod Serling is a Jew. And you'd be right, except... He became a Unitarian. It's the kind of twist ending that gives you chills just thinking about it, doesn't it?","Borderline Jew","Isaac Asimov| Allen Funt| Honi HaM'agel| Herman Munster| Carl Sagan"
663,"Agnes Keleti",13,5,3,5,"And we're back with the Jewies, the second annual Jew or Not Jew Awards! Can you feel the excitement in the air? Mark Spitz sure can! He just walked away with the Greatest Jewish Olympic Athlete award... Congratulations again, Mark! Any chance you'll bring back that mustache? No? Well, we miss it! And now, for our next award... Greatest Jewish Olympic Athlete (Female). The nominees are: Dara Torres, swimming... Irena Szewinska, track and field... Agnes Keleti, gymnastics... and Maria G... Goro... Maria Gorokhovskaya, gymnastics! And the winner is... drumroll... Agnes Keleti! 10 Olympic medals for the Hungarian champion, five of them gold! We're sorry that Miss Keleti could not join us on stage today. She is currently retired in Israel, but tells us she can still do a cartwheel. A worthy champion, Miss Keleti, and a worthy Jew! And now, for the long-awaited musical number... the Jew or Not Jew Dancers... Please hold your applause!","Jew","Maria Gorokhovskaya| Aly Raisman| Mark Spitz| Eva Szekely| Irena Szewinska"
664,"Kyle Kosier",8,3,2,3,"As previously discussed, there actually are some Jews playing professional football right now. Not a plethora to be sure, but plenty enough. So where's the Jewiest team in the NFL? New York, California, Florida? Nope. Try Dallas. Yes, the most Jewish team in football is in the least Jewish place on Earth. And how many Jews does it take to earn this esteemed title? Two: Igor Olshansky (previously profiled when he was a member of the San Diego Chargers) and today's featured player, offensive guard Kyle Kosier. Seriously? That's bad. Nothing against Olshansky and Kosier who seem like fine fellows. And while leading the league in Jews just by suiting up two of them is embarrassing, it's not totally unexpected. But the big winner is the Dallas freakin' Cowboys? Really? That ego-maniacal, prima donna franchise with a chip on it's shoulder so big it had to build a two billion dollar stadium just to try and fill it? Ugh. Usually this is the point where we call for young Jews to pick up the pigskin, but we know better than to try. Let's just hope Kosier or Olshansky get traded to a real franchise and make this whole profile obsolete. The sooner the better.","Jew","David Binn| Gabe Carimi| Jake Curhan| Igor Olshansky| Alan Veingrad"
665,"Louis Armstrong",7,1,1,5,"Gather your singing voices, menschen, and sing along with JONJ! I see hundreds of Jews Some non-Jews too That I would join them, well really who knew? And I think to myself Cause I am not a Jew Sure I wear this Jewish star A gift from a friend All this speculation It really must end As I think to myself I am just not a Jew I love a good pastrami, with mustard and on rye But just because I like it, doesn't make me a Jewish guy My friends shake hands, saying how do you do? They're really saying You're not a Jew All the profiles on this site I watch them grow But what I'm doing here I'll never know And I think to myself I am just not a Jew... Nooooooo I think to myself I am just not a... Jew Mmmmmm, noooooooooo","Sadly, Not a Jew","Irving Berlin| George Gershwin| Benny Goodman| Al Jolson| Mr. T"
666,"Anton LaVey",6,4,1,1,"""Could it be... Satan?!""| Dana Carvey as the Church Lady on Saturday Night Live So there is no Jewish Devil, as previously discussed, but there is Jewish Satan worship? Well, not really, but the inventor of the Satanic religion, Anton LaVey, was Jewish by birth. If you're picturing a bunch of blood drinking, animal sacrificing vildechayas, you're way off. Laveyan Satanism, as we understand it, is more about celebration of the self — a sort of reverse Judeo/Christianity in which G-d is made in man's image and Satan (the disgraced angel from The Bible Part 2: The Quickening) is the messiah. Whatever. Frankly, the goat's blood and the virgin sacrifices sound a heck of a lot more fun than LaVey's brand. Boring Satanic rituals, who knew? That doesn't mean Anton LaVey was somehow normal, because he definitely was not. Nor are we endorsing the religion he invented. No, rather, all of this makes us kind of sad. It's a tough life out there and millennia upon millennia later we humans are still trying to grasp the basic concept of how to be happy. And we keep coming back to hoping (and praying) that someone, somehow (G-d, Satan, Buddha, Oprah) will swoop down and make it all better. And that person (sorry folks) isn't coming.","Borderline Jew","The Devil| Mambo Sallie| Marilyn Manson| Moishe Rosen| Sabbatai Zevi"
667,"Ariel Sharon",13,4,5,4,"We're often asked, why don't we subscribe to the Orthodox notion that one is Jewish if and only if their mother is? We don't because such definition is incredibly limiting. Take the former Prime Minister of Israel, Ariel Sharon. He's Jewish, right? Well, a few years ago an Israeli Orthodox newspaper published that Sharon is NOT a Jew, because his mother was not one. Somewhat absurd, isn't it? But Sharon's mother, originally named Vera, changed her name to a clearly more Jewish Dora, when she, along with his father, Shmuel, emigrated to Palestine. So it's quite possible that Ariel's mother was not ethnically Jewish. But does that automatically make her son not a Jew? For it is quite likely that she did convert to Judaism, and even if she didn't, Ariel himself was raised as a Jew and lived his life as a Jew. Now, if his mother wasn't born Jewish, does that make Ariel less of a Jew, Orthodox readers? Yes, you say? Then go ahead and start your own website.","Jew","Menachem Begin| Moshe Dayan| Levi Eshkol| Golda Meir| Benjamin Netanyahu"
668,"George Steinbrenner",3,0,1,2,"By now you're probably aware that the universe has righted itself and the New York Yankees have resumed their rightful place as world champions. One of the stranger permutations of this event has been the sudden outpouring of love for Yankees owner George Steinbrenner: ""This win is for George,"" is a paraphrase of what just about every Yankee player, coach and executive declared at the end of game 6. Really? Maybe we missed the revisionist history train, but it seems to us that the only difference between the George Steinbrenner who was compared unfavorably to Adolph Hitler by Saturday Night Live and the lovable old baseball man we're supposed to revere today is the Yankees won a few titles in the last decade. And let's be clear, the ONLY reason those titles were won is that ol' Georgie was banned from baseball when the team was being rebuilt in the early 90s. Without that, nothing would have kept him from the disastrous inevitability of trading Derek Jeter, Jorge Posada and Mariano Rivera for some guy in a wheelchair that had a good pitching arm once| the same BS that made the team a laughing stock throughout the 1980s and early 90s. Yup, it'd be fair to say we fairly despise George Steinbrenner and we're quite happy that the only Jewish thing about him is his somewhat-kinda-sorta-Jewish-sounding name. And yet we'd still take him over just about any other owner in baseball, because at least he'll do anything to win. And you just can't say that about the majority of the other owners. But that doesn't say anything about George. Just the sorry state of our (some of us anyway) favorite sport.","Not a Jew","Brian Cashman| George Costanza| Lou Gehrig| Alex Rodriguez| Fred Wilpon"
669,"Stanley Kubrick",11,4,2,5,"In ""The Shining"", directed by Stanley Kubrick, the main character, played by Jack Nicholson, trades his soul for a drink and then attempts to murder his wife and son. It's a happy tale. Don't agree? Then take it up with the director. According to Nicholson, Kubrick called his film optimistic because ""anything that says there's anything after death is ultimately an optimistic story."" With that belief in mind, it kind of makes sense that, although he was born in a Jewish family, Kubrick moved away from death-as-end-all Judaism toward afterlife-or-nothing Christianity and started celebrating Christmas with his wife and family. But then, there are reports that Kubrick was an atheist, so maybe... Well, it's all academic now. Kubrick passed on ten years ago so he's not telling. (Unless he is now a ghost, and, much like in ""The Shining"", communication with ghosts is possible...) But if death really is a happy ending, well, at least Stanley Kubrick now knows for sure.","Jew","Kirk Douglas| William Friedkin| Sidney Lumet| Jack Nicholson| Peter Sellers"
670,"Pamela Anderson",3,1,0,2,"There are many, many important Jews we're yet to profile. Culturally important Jews: writers, artists, scientists. Bette Midler. Corey Haim. Yet here we are, profiling Pamela Anderson. You see, Anderson is not her real last name. It's Schlomowitz. That's right, young Pamela Schlomowitz... All right, all right, the above paragraph is an outright lie. Miss Anderson is not Jewish herself. She did marry a Jew: not Tommy Lee or Kid Rock, but someone named Rick Salomon, who is best known for spending one night in Paris. The marriage lasted all of four months. Yet here we are, profiling Pamela Anderson. Fascinating, isn't it?","Not a Jew","David Binn| Yasmine Bleeth| Corey Haim| Paris Hilton| Bette Midler"
671,"Jason Segel",11,3,4,4,"Jason Segel is 6'4"" tall. Jason Segel helped his high school to a state basketball championship. (Jewdar: colder) Jason Segel went to Catholic school. (Jewdar: freezing) Jason Segel's last name is Segel, a traditional Jewish name. (Jewdar: still cold) Jason Segel is part of the very-Jewish Judd Apatow crew: Paul Rudd, Seth Rogen, etc. (Jewdar: warming up) Jason Segel is pretty damn funny. (Jewdar: warmer) Jason Segel has a Jewish father and a non-Jewish mother. (Jewdar: holding) Jason Segel was bar mitzvahed. (Jewdar: heating up) Jason Segel considers himself a Jew. (Jewdar: ON FIRE!)","Jew","Judd Apatow| Paul Feig| Josh Radnor| Seth Rogen| Paul Rudd"
672,"Tim Whatley",8,2,4,2,"As a service to our regular goyishe readers we will now present the reasons to convert to Judaism. 1. The food| Jews eat well. Chicken soup, knish, kugel, corned beef... and those are just the goodies that are alliterative. Seriously, Jews are a zaftig people for a reason. 2. The men — Listen, non-Jewish women. Do you want a man who will appreciate everything you do? A husband who will cook and clean and thank you for the privilege? A true provider who will be good with the kids and in the bedroom? Then the Jew is the man for you (plus that whole penis thing is just a myth. Yay Milton Berle!) 3. The humor — It's our humor that's sustained us for 5000 years, after all. There simply isn't a lot of intrinsic humor in the other religions. There's no such thing as EpiscopalianOrNotEpiscopalian.com for a reason. And that's about it. So yes, it's a little ridiculous to say that Tim Whatley, the dentist from Seinfeld (in one of the best episodes of TV, all categories, ever) converted to Judaism just for the jokes. But honestly, there just aren't that many other reasons out there.","Jew","Elaine Benes| Milton Berle| Bryan Cranston| Debra Messing| Jerry Seinfeld"
673,"Vladimir Nabokov",6,1,0,5,"The publishing of Vladimir Navokov's ""The Original of Laura"" has been called the literary event of the year. The Russian-turned-American author of the still-controversial ""Lolita"" has been dead for over 30 years, and his final work will finally see the light of day. But we, for all our love of Nabokov's works, are a tad worried. You see, he wanted his final novel destroyed. Perhaps it was because he deemed it not worthy? Nabokov was brilliant; his books are a work of literary genius who mastered every nuance of not one, but two languages. He's modern yet classic, sharp yet melancholy, exotic yet traditional. It's a high standard to live up to. So what if ""Laura"" doesn't? Honestly, we look at our JONJ profiles (and we would never compare ourselves to Nabokov), and, don't get us wrong, most are pretty damn great, but... there are some that we would like to take back. Oh well. We guess we'll have to take the plunge and read ""Laura"". It's a risk worth taking. And, just to make it clear, if we do pass on (don't worry, dear readers (and family), we have no intention to do so), we would like all our unpublished JONJ profiles to be posted. Except for Corey Haim. He's staying in the vault forever.","Sadly, Not a Jew","Vasily Aksyonov| Jorge Luis Borges| Joseph Brodsky| Humbert Humbert| Boris Pasternak"
674,"Kristen Stewart",9,3,2,4,"We're sorry, dear readers, if we haven't been responding to your emails recently. You see, for the past few days, we've been camping out in front of our local movie theater so that we can catch the midnight premiere of the next chapter of the Twilight saga, ""New Moon"". Yes, we know, it's quite unexpected. We never thought we'd get into Twilight, yet here we were, in a sleeping bag next to a bunch of teenage vampires. And why? Well, a couple of websites listed Kristen Stewart as Jewish. And since the great source for who is Jewish and who is not, Jew or Not Jew, was hum on the matter, we decided that this wild rumor was good enough for us. And then, after two cold November New Jersey nights, we remembered... We run Jew or Not Jew! So we quickly took out our iPhone, and did some research. And... well... Maybe people mistook Kristen for her Jewish character in ""Adventureland"", despite co-star Jesse Eisenberg calling her ""the least Jewish girl I know""? And here's Kristen photographed wearing a cross, and... did we mention her name is KRISTEN? Well, what do you know. Kristen is not exactly Jewish, but she did her ancestry research and found out that her mother, who was adopted, was half Jewish... which makes Kristen a quarter! And then we realized... what the hell are we doing here? Twilight? Bella Swan? Kristen Stewart? How old are we again?","Borderline Jew","Theda Bara| Jesse Eisenberg| Nikki Reed| Twilight Sparkle| St. Vincent"
675,"Rita Hayworth",6,1,1,4,"She was tall and lithe| the kind of heights and handholds that made me want to climb to her auburn summit and take photographs like a hopped up Ansel Adams. The rest of her might have been chiseled out of stone as well, perfect lips and nails. Cold eyes. But she moved like water. I set her as a horseback rider or a dancer. Comfortable in her skin with a look that made men kill to join her in there. She started in without so much as a hello. ""I'm looking to do some research,"" she said. The alcohol on her breath settled in the room like last night's bad decisions — loaded with conviviality and remorse. ""Most people start in a library,"" I offered, lighting up and filling my lungs with smoky happiness. ""Good for them,"" she snapped. ""My family has some... history. I'd like to hire you to look into it."" ""Anything I should be looking for in particular? Daddy's indiscretions? Mommy's secret cousin? Grandma Moony's lost gold?"" She smiled, not unkindly, ""Nothing so... sordid. I just want to look into my father's family background. There are some rumors going around about his family and I'm concerned... after all, I'm a good Catholic girl."" ""I find that hard to believe,"" I sneered. ""Thank you,"" she curtsied slightly. ""It wasn't a compliment."" ""It doesn't have to be,"" she vamped. ""After all, a girl is... well, a girl. It's nice to be told you're successful at it."" ""And if I find what you're looking for?"" ""Then you'll be rewarded... handsomely,"" she smiled. ""I think you'll be happier keeping your reward to yourself. All you find when you dig up trees are dead roots and dirt. Better off appreciating the branches."" ""I think it doesn't matter what you think. We are all tied to our destiny and there is no way we can liberate ourselves."" She turned and walked out. The sun scattered behind a cloud as the door clicked behind her. Two hundred dollars and millions of questions were the only things she left me to go on.","Barely a Jew","Fred Astaire| Lauren Bacall| Ingrid Bergman| Hedy Lamarr| Norma Shearer"
676,"Katey Sagal",9,3,3,3,"It's safe to admit it now. We liked ""Married... with Children"". The show, deemed crass and sophomoric during its run, is now considered groundbreaking. Together with ""The Simpsons"", it helped launch the Fox Network into the juggernaut that it is today. What's there not to like about ""Married... with Children""? The show centered around Al Bundy, a dim-witted depressed shoe salesman living off his high school memories. You laughed at Al. You felt for Al. As far as sitcoms go, it was a quality show (at least until the master Shark Jumper, Ted McGinley, joined the cast). Well, if there was one thing we didn't like, it was Al's wife, Peggy. The bouffant-haired bimbo spent her whole days on the couch, eating bon-bons, spending all of Al's money, and not once cooking him dinner. There's nothing funny about that. And nothing Jewish about that either. (Jewish wives cook. Oh, do they ever cook.) Yet, in a so-familiar twist, the actress who played Peggy, Katey Sagal, is in fact (half) Jewish. It's safe to admit it now.","Borderline Jew","Roseanne Barr| David X. Cohen| Fran Drescher| Judith Light| Dr. Zoidberg"
677,"Socrates",6,0,1,5,"""Look at those puny humans,"" said Zeus, taking a sip from his cup of ambrosia. ""Little do they know... One of these| and BAM!"" He reached for his bowl of lightning bolts. ""Careful there, dad,"" Apollo's hand stopped Zeus' throwing motion. ""That's Socrates down there."" ""Socrates? So what?"" ""Just listen to him talk for a minute. He's pretty smart for a human."" Zeus turned his ear to the ground. ""Hmmmm. Yeah, definitely not a dumb fellow."" Zeus listened some more. ""And I like how he refers to me as 'the God'. About time I got some recognition above your lot."" ""Ummm, dad... I'm not sure he's talking about you."" ""What do you mean, he is not talking about me? Who else could he be talking about? You? HA HA HA HA HA!"" ""Well, I am the Sun God..."" ""You! Oh come on, Apollo, that's just too funny. Besides, isn't Helios the Sun God?"" ""He's the personification of the sun."" ""Yeah, that always confused the shit out of me."" ""Seriously, dad, I think it might be the Jewish God he is talking about."" ""The Jewish God? Who the Hades is that?"" ""You know the Jews? Those smart, hairy fellows with big noses?"" ""You mean the Italians?"" ""Not THAT hairy... No, the Jews live on the eastern side of the Inland Sea. And get this, dad, instead of worshiping us, they worship ONE God."" ""One God! That's just ridiculous! Unless they mean me, of course..."" ""I don't think they do."" Zeus smirked. ""One God! That will be the day!"" He paused. ""I wonder what mountain he lives on top of...""","Sadly, Not a Jew","Alexander the Great| Hades| Philo of Alexandria| Pythagoras| Baruch Spinoza"
678,"Queen Marau",8,3,1,4,"Our search for Jewish royalty is well documented. So when we found that a bunch of current European monarchs have an infinitesimal amount of Jewish blood (see Queen Beatrix), we were quite pleased. Yet, having one Jewish ancestor four centuries ago is not exactly something to rave about. So that got us thinking; perhaps Europe is not the place to look? But where could we find Jewish royalty? Africa, perhaps, with Ethiopia? Asia seems unlikely, America even less so... Oceania? Yes, Oceania. Specifically Tahiti. Now a French territory, Tahiti had been a monarchy until the late 19th century. And its last Queen, Jeanne Marau Ta'aroa, was... wait for it... HALF Jewish. How? Well, it has everything to do with an English Jewish merchant, Alexander Solomon, who changed his name to Salmon. (From a wise man to a fish? How is that an improvement?) He fell in love with a Tahitian princess, the queen allowed her daughter to marry a foreigner, and a modern fairy tale was born. Out of that union came Johanna Marau Ta'aroa, who married her uncle (so much for the fairy tale), the future King Pomare V. For three years, Johanna was the de facto ruler as Queen Marau, before abdicating to the French. So, there you go. (Half) Jewish royalty. Of a rather obscure country that hasn't existed for over a century. But it will definitely do.","Borderline Jew","Queen Beatrix| Abe Markowitz| Kate Middleton| Alexander Salmon| Elsa von Gutmann"
679,"Guy Smiley",9,3,2,4,"One of the things that makes us absolutely crazy is the perpetual fallacy that Jews control the world. The idea that Jews| one of the most persecuted peoples in history — are somehow in a position of power is so patently ludicrous... well, you can probably see the steam coming out of our ears from where you're sitting. Sign number one that Jews are not in charge? The number of them that have had to choose less Jewish sounding names in order to succeed in public life. Fashion designers, politicians, game show hosts, authors, journalists — all had it made clear to them at some point in their lives that if they were going to be easily identified as Jews, they would never be identified as successful. And it looks like we can add Muppets to that list. Well, to be fair, Bernie Liederkrantz sounds more German than Jewish (and to be fair, there was a time when being German in this country wasn't exactly desirable either). And, beyond the name change, there really isn't much else to go on. But, absent all other evidence, it all just seems too likely for us to declare Guy Smiley anything except Jewish. At least until the Hensons head on over to tell us otherwise. So, just to be clear here, the safest country in the world to be Jewish (don't even think about Israel — even the bus drivers have to be armed there) is the same one where they can't even have openly Jewish puppets and somehow it's the Jews that secretly rule the world? Yeah, you can see the steam for miles...","Jew","Uncle Deadly| Grover| Mr. Hooper| Oscar the Grouch| Count von Count"
680,"Art Modell",10,4,4,2,"If you are a fan of the Baltimore Ravens, Art Modell is a great man. In 1984, under the cover of darkness, Baltimore's beloved Colts were packed in trucks and moved to Indianapolis. Owner Robert Irsay became Baltimore's number one villain, a title he will never relinquish. The whole city wept. In 1996, Art Modell brought NFL football back. He took his Cleveland Browns and made them into the Baltimore Ravens. There were no stealth maneuvering this time. It was a fair deal in accordance with the league, and was contingent on the Browns being resurrected| history intact — three years later. So sure, the citizens of Baltimore would have preferred an expansion team to the relocated one. But when NFL passed them up time and time again, what were they to do? How could they not embrace Modell and the Ravens? Besides, that Super Bowl title in 2000 was not too shabby. Unless you are a fan of the Cleveland Browns... If you are a fan of the Cleveland Browns, Art Modell is the Antichrist. He ripped out the heart of the beloved Browns fans, taking the team that meant so much to Cleveland and moved it to Baltimore. Sure, the Browns came back a few years later, but it just isn't the same. The team has yet to recover and return to its former (AFC Championship game) glory. It's a sorry excuse for a team. And Baltimore? The damn Ravens, with Browns' former players, won the Super Bowl in 2000 and have been competitive just about every year after the move. And that asshole Modell was laughing all the way to the bank. And what did he do after that? He cashed out, selling the team! Typical. Art Modell: Traitor. Liar. Thief. Sellout. Unless you are a fan of the Baltimore Ravens... function flip() { d1.style.display = 'none'; d2.style.display = 'inline'; setRatings(4, 4, 0); setVerdict('Sadly, a Jew'); } function flip2() { d2.style.display = 'none'; d1.style.display = 'inline'; setRatings(4, 4, 2); setVerdict('Jew'); }","Jew","Al Davis| Dan Gilbert| Carroll Rosenbloom| Stephen Ross| Daniel Snyder"
681,"Boris Volynov",9,3,2,4,"Who was the first Jew in space? No, not Judith Resnik; she was the first Jewish American and the first Jewish woman. Judith's first flight came in 1984. But the first Jew to venture into the final frontier was Soviet cosmonaut Boris Volynov, who went into space 15 years before Resnik: January 15, 1969. And if not for his heritage, Volynov could have gone even earlier. Scheduled to fly in 1964, Soviet command pulled him off the mission when they found that that Volynov was... that's right, Jewish. Replacing the mission commander three days before the flight just because his mother was a Jew? Welcome to the Soviet Union. Somehow, Volynov got over his... ""handicap"" to go to space twice, in 1969 on Soyuz 5 and 1976 on Soyuz 21. Gotta love the Soviet open-mindedness, right?","Borderline Jew","Yuri Gagarin| Polina Gelman| Jeffrey Hoffman| Scott Horowitz| Judith Resnik"
682,"Boris Johnson",5,2,1,2,"To call London a melting pot doesn't do it justice. It's a melting pot of melting pots, with cultures from every corner of the globe throw in. Royal palaces are a block away from kebab shops. The smells of curry, jerk spices, pizza, turmeric, and borscht fill the air. It's as cosmopolitan as a city can be. So who better to lead it than Alexander Boris de Pfeffel... let's just say Boris Johnson, for short. London's mayor is... get this: American-born Descendant from two English kings Part Turkish Part German Has Muslim roots Educated in Belgium Married a Sikh And oh, yes, of course: Has Jewish roots Can't be the most cosmopolitan mayor without that part, right?","Barely a Jew","James Callaghan| David Cameron| Winston Churchill| Benjamin Disraeli| Ed Miliband"
683,"Boris Akunin",10,3,2,5,"In the late 1990s, a literary storm swept through Russia. An unknown writer, Boris Akunin, had written a series of mystery novels about detective Erast Fandorin. The triumph was immense: millions of copies were sold; each of the novels was re-published multiple times; movies were made; Fandorin became a national hero; and Boris Akunin... No one was quite sure who Boris Akunin was. But this was not a mystery that went unsolved. Akunin revealed himself to be Grigory Chkhartishvili, an academic mostly known for his Japanese translations (""Akunin"" comes from a Japanese word for ""villain""). As the shvili ending suggests, the author is actually Georgian (the country, not the US state). Of course, on this website we are not concerned with anyone's Georgian origins, be they from the country or from the state. So even though Akunin is Georgian on his father's side, but his mother was... yes, of course, a Jew! So there you have it. The most popular writer in all of Russia, whose next book is eagerly awaited by millions, who is often praised for giving Russia not only its new literary hero, but its new literary identity is a... Halachical Jew. How is that for a solved mystery?","Borderline Jew","Sergei Dovlatov| Samuil Marshak| Vladimir Nabokov| Boris Pasternak| Alexander Pushkin"
684,"Boris Pasternak",9,4,2,3,"We're really not sure what to do about Boris Pasternak. On one hand, there's ""Doctor Zhivago"", an epic novel that won him the Nobel for Literature. And on the other hand, there's ""Doctor Zhivago"". Now, we're not gonna argue about the novel's quality, or whether it deserved the Nobel. We're gonna argue about a specific passage in the novel (Chapter 4, Section 12), that pretty much says that Jews should convert to Christianity. Not good. And Pasternak himself, the son of a renowned painter, Leonid... make that Itzhak Pasternak, was not exactly fond of his Jewish roots, converting to Christianity. No, seriously, not good. However, he did try to stand up to the Soviet government, might just be Russia's greatest 20th century poet, and is considered one of the fathers of the dissident movement. And still, at the end, when you tally it all up... Not good.","Barely a Jew","Boris Akunin| Joseph Brodsky| Osip Mandelstam| Alexander Pushkin| Leo Tolstoy"
685,"Boris Badenov",6,1,1,4,"Remember when the Russians were evil? Did you know, the Russians used to be evil? No really, it's true. We would cower in our beds, waiting for our nuclear doom from those terrible, terrible, communist Russians. (OK, it was the USSR, but in those days it was same borscht different day.) Make no mistake, comrades, the Russians were EVIL. And it took real heroes to fight them. Superman. James Bond. Rocky and Bullwinkle. Ok, so maybe Boris Badenov wasn't the scariest supervillain out there. And, sadly for our sakes, he wasn't anything near Jewish, just a Commie. (Remember, in political-speak Commie = Jew. Don't ask.) But Boris sure had it in for moose and squirrel, huh? And really, anyone who doesn't like Bullwinkle is clearly deranged in some dangerous ways. Of course, we beat Badenov and those silly Russians and nowadays the Red Menace just seems kind of quaint. The only thing we have to worry about are bombings, televised beheadings and all around terror. Y'know, maybe we were better off when the Russians were the bad guys.","Sadly, Not a Jew","Jason Alexander| George Blake| June Foray| Felonious Gru| Julius and Ethel Rosenberg"
686,"Eric Cantor",12,5,5,2,"Recently, we've gotten a few emails about our website's supposed liberal biases. Apparently, in between all our Jew-finding, we seem to bash conservatives and Republicans left and right. Hmmm. Some truth to that. We do lean left more often than not, but if those emailers took a closer look, we bash liberals and Democrats as well. Hell, our search for a prominent respectable Jewish politician ended with an Independent. That said... Well, we're not the only Jews that lean left. After Arlen Specter's defection, there are no Jewish Republicans left in the Senate But what about the House of Representatives? There are 435 members, so we're bound to find some Republican Jews... right? Well, there are over 30 Jews currently in the House, but guess what: there's only one Republican, Eric Cantor from Virginia, the current minority whip. (Some might consider Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, who is Episcopalian, but whose mother was Jewish before converting... no, we're not counting her.) Cantor was actually mentioned as a possible candidate on John McCain's ticket, before the ancient one settled on that Alaskan maverick (of course, the Jew he really wanted was not Cantor, but Joe Lieberman... ugh.) So there you have it. It's not just this website that leans left, but the Jewish elected officials of America. And if you don't like that... Well, you can just stay away from the Politicians category of our website.","Jew","George Allen| Barney Frank| Joe Lieberman| Paul Ryan| Arlen Specter"
687,"Art Heyman",10,4,3,3,"What do basketball players Patrick Ewing, Magic Johnson, and Art Heyman have in common? They were all part of the original Dream Team? No, not Heyman. They all played for the New York Knicks? No, not Johnson. They all won professional championships? No, not Ewing. Then what? Would you believe they were all NCAA Final Four MVPs, as well as the top overall picks in the NBA Draft? Seriously, who says Jews can't play basketball?","Jew","Red Holzman| Dolph Schayes| Jon Scheyer| Amar'e Stoudemire| Neal Walk"
688,"Boy George",4,1,2,1,"One of the things we've made very clear since the beginning of this website is our distaste for Kabbalists. It all seems like ""pop culture Judaism"" to us| Jewish dianetics is the term we used previously — and we have missed no opportunity to ridicule its many clearly confused celebrity adherents. But what happens if the person is really into it? After all, a lot of our supposition comes from the fact that the star in question is participating in the equivalent of Diet Judaism — the same great holier-than-thou taste with only half the guilt! But what if they actually get into it, pardon the expression, whole hog? Doing things like, for instance, getting a huge tattoo of a Jewish star on the top of their heads? Would we then commend them? After all, isn't full dedication to Judaism honorable? Even if it's stupid, made up, Americanized, cult Judaism? Isn't that enough to make us respect these poor, lost, celebrity souls for the Jews they truly feel they are? Actually, no. No it isn't.","Not a Jew","Madonna| George Michael| Demi Moore| Rosie O'Donnell| Usher"
689,"Max Fischer",12,3,4,5,"Dear Wes Anderson, We apologize for our previous letters which called your last two movies ""self-indulgent dreck"". Who are we to judge? You are a director, and we just watch your films. Besides, even if ""The Life Aquatic"" and ""The Darjeeling Limited"" were self-indulgent dreck, and we're not saying they were, at least you gave us ""The Royal Tenenbaums"" and ""Rushmore"". And it is ""Rushmore"" we're writing to you about. You see, Wes, over the past few years we've been writing for this terrific website called ""Jew or Not Jew"". We try to figure out the Jewishness of various people. (You've worked Ben Stiller, right? He's on there, and he's a Jew. Seriously, you should check the website out. It's a good time.) So let's cut to the chase. Since we also profile fictional characters, is Max Fischer, the brilliant, yet somewhat disturbed protagonist of ""Rushmore"", Jewish? There really is no evidence either way. His surname can be Jew or gentile. And he does go to a Christian school. But you know what, Wes, we're gonna say that Max is Jewish. It makes a lot of sense when you think about it. Christian school? So what! Just another way to make Max an outsider. Besides, how can anyone who looks like Jason Schwartzman not be Jewish? (Well, half Jewish at least.) So there you have it, Wes. Max Fischer. Jew. And if you conceived it otherwise, don't hesitate to write back. Promise to never bring up the self-indulgent dreck again, Jew or Not Jew","Jew","Gene Hackman| Frances McDormand| Jason Schwartzman| Lewis Skolnick| Ben Stiller"
690,"Hanukkah Harry",13,5,5,3,"Goyishe readers, we're gonna let you in on a little secret. There are some Jews out there who suffer from Christmas envy. We honestly don't get it. What's so appealing about Christmas when we have Hanukkah? Eight day of presents versus one. Do the math. Yet, these Jews exist. Some of them even marry shiksas so they can put up a Christmas tree in their house. Go figure. So no, Jewish children don't go to bed waiting for Hanukkah Harry to bring them presents. Hanukkah Harry does not exist, not even as part of folklore; he's just created by Jews with Christmas envy. Seriously, a bearded fat weirdo delivering presents in the middle of the night. How messed up does one have to be to come up with that?","Jew","Santa Claus| Jon Lovitz| Judah Maccabee| Matityahu| Adam Sandler"
691,"Omri Casspi",12,5,4,3,"It's not often that a sports league's Jewish population doubles overnight. By our count, there are currently six Jews in the NFL. So for that to double, Yeshiva College probably needs to beef up its football program. We don't see that happening any time soon. In baseball, Jews are in the double digits. Doubling that? Not a chance. But in the NBA, the Jews did double overnight. From... one to two. It happened when Israeli-born Omri Casspi played in the Sacramento Kings season opener. Casspi came off the bench to score 15 points, but more importantly, became the NBA's second active Jew, joining the Lakers' Jordan Farmar. What will be the next sport to double? We're guessing golf... After all, twice zero is still zero.","Jew","Deni Avdija| Jordan Farmar| Sarunas Jasikevicius| Gal Mekel| Amar'e Stoudemire"
692,"Ziggy",9,2,3,4,"It's hard to imagine we've gotten this far without discussing schlemiels. After all, schlemiels are all over Jewish literature, Jewish jokes, Jewish culture and, therefore, all over this website. For those of you without the Yiddish/English dictionary, a schlemiel is someone with good intentions, who (usually through their own benevolent, but misguided actions), just can't catch a break. Someone who wants to do good but always sees the world turn on them? Can't imagine why Jews would find such a person humorous... Well whatever the reason, the schlemiel is to Jewish culture as the mafioso is to Italian or the Eskimo to... ummmm... Eskimoes. If you see a schlemiel, chances are, there's some Jew in there somewhere. With that in mind, when you next open the Sunday funnies (you and the other five people still reading newspapers), Ziggy should immediately jump out at you. (Figuratively. If it happens literally, ask your doctor if Zoloft is right for you, K?) Of course, the big nose helps (as does the fact that he was originally named Zigfried Schlump). And while there's little to no evidence otherwise, it's Ziggy's overall schlemiel-iness that seals the deal for us. He's a good guy, with good intentions, but life is just out to get him. Sadly, we can relate.","Jew","Humpty Dumpty| Meatwad| Tommy Pickles| Pointy-Haired Boss| Captain Underpants"
693,"Soupy Sales",11,4,3,4,"Hey there kids!! It's time for the First Annual JewOrNotJew.com Sweepstakes! Here's how to enter: First, wait till your parents are at work or shul or even just asleep. Then go into Mommy and Daddy's wallet and pull out all the funny little colored paper you can find. Then put it in an envelope and send it to: JewOrNotJew.com 1818 Hebrew Lane Jewton, NJ 18324 When we receive your entry, you will be entered into a drawing to win a FREE JONJ hat! Offer valid in all states, countries and universes. Entries must be received by July 2010 in order to be eligible. No purchase necessary. Sorry, no Canadian money accepted. Best of luck to all the entrants!","Jew","Kitty Carlisle| Pee-Wee Herman| Mr. Hooper| Danny Kaye| Shari Lewis"
694,"Harry Shearer",11,4,5,2,"We recently read ""Live from New York: An Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live"". It's a pretty interesting look at the long-running TV show and the personalities behind it. And it is the personalities that are fascinating. The creative genius of Lorne Michaels, the brilliance of Dan Aykroyd, Eddie Murphy, and Phil Hartman, the larger-than-life presence of John Belushi and Chris Farley... And the assholes. Or, there are some assholes. Chevy Chase, for one. The show's first breakthrough performer is universally hated. In fact, the book can just be renamed ""Live from New York: Why Everyone Associated with Saturday Night Live Hates Chevy Chase"". That being said, Chase does not take #1 on the SNL asshole scale. At least with Chevy, you hear some backhanded compliments from former co-workers. Yes, he was an asshole, but he was a talented asshole. That's not the case with Harry Shearer. That's right, Harry Shearer, most known as the voice of Principal Skinner, Mr. Burns, and others on ""The Simpsons"", and as one-third of Spinal Tap. Harry Shearer, who spent all of two years on SNL, with two completely different casts. And who, when given a chance to speak, is arrogant, egotistic, and dismissive of everyone else. And who, when others describe him, not a single positive word can be heard. And who, as he states himself, is a Jew. No, seriously, can we have Chevy Chase instead?","Jew","Kent Brockman| Mr. Burns| Christopher Guest| Julie Kavner| Lorne Michaels"
695,"Jay Fiedler",10,4,3,3,"Figuring out whether a college quarterback will become a good NFL player in not an exact science. There are numerous examples of college stars with guns for arms who have failed in the pros. For it takes more that the ability to haul the ball to succeed in the NFL. You need to manage a game. You need to analyze the opposing defense. You need to have a brain. And you know who has a brain? Yes, that's right, Jews. We tend to be a pretty smart bunch, with a few minor exceptions. So why are there no Jewish quarterbacks? The days of Sid Luckman and Benny Friedman are long gone. Sage Rosenfels? Please. Well, we do have Jay Fiedler... Or HAD Jay Fiedler, who for 10 seasons was the poster boy for Jewish success in the NFL. Undrafted out of Dartmouth, he became the starter for the Miami Dolphins, and amassed a pretty good record of 37 wins, 23 losses. He might have not been Dan Marino, but he was also not Ryan Leaf. So, seriously, why are there no Jewish quarterbacks? Well, when the job involves getting pummeled by 300-pound linemen, suffering concussions, and attempting to fit in a Bible-thumping league, why wouldn't we smart Jewish kids become doctors and lawyers instead?","Jew","Benny Friedman| Rex Grossman| Sid Luckman| Josh Rosen| Sage Rosenfels"
696,"Rachel Uchitel",8,4,3,1,"Once upon a time, there lived a Nubian warrior. Some warriors use swords. Some use knives. Some strange ones throw a bladder covered in hog's skin. Our warrior used a club. And no other club-wielding warrior was a match for him. Not the Angles, not the Saxons, not the Gauls, not the Vikings or the Jews. The first four not for the lack of trying; the latter because the Angles and the Saxons did not allow them on the battlefield. So our warrior defeated all comers, and grew rich and powerful. He had built for himself an enormous castle surrounded by palm trees, he drove the most exclusive chariot, he was revered throughout the lands. But one thing was missing. The warrior wanted love. One day he was feasting in the hall of a Viking warrior. The Nubian has bested him in many battles, but the two have grown to be friends. A fair maiden caught the Nubian's eyes. Her skin was like the whitest snow, he hair like the golden sun, her eyes like the bluest lakes in all of Norland. ""Who is that fair maiden?"", the warrior asked. ""It is my children's servant,"" answered the Viking. ""I must have her!"", said the Nubian. ""Then have her you will. Come forth, maiden,"" said the Viking. The young Nordic beauty was smitten by the warrior. Soon, they were married. Rivers of ale drowned the cheers of revelers. There was much rejoicing. * * * Time passed. The Nordic beauty loved her life. Everything was new and wonderful: the tropical birds serenading her morning, the extravagant castle she roamed at will, the lavish feasts she was now invited to, the loving husband who couldn't wait for her to bear him beautiful, Nubio-Nordic children. But the Nubian warrior grew tired of his lovely bride. Yes, she was everything he ever wanted, but she was only one woman. And for our warrior, one was just not enough. So what was he to do? Sure, any woman in the world would throw herself into his arms. But what would the people say? For our warrior did not want his revered image tarnished. One day, a battle was fought in the Valley of Apples. The warrior vanquished his foes, but it was not an easy fight. Weakened from the battle, he sought refuge in a tavern before the long road home. As the warrior was finishing his jug of ale, a beautiful sorceress approached him. ""I hear you're not happy,"" the sorceress said. ""What makes you say that?"", asked the Nubian. ""I have everything I ever wanted!"" ""Yet here you are, all alone, drinking the night away."" ""Just celebrating another battle won!"" ""And with whom are you celebrating?"", asked the sorceress. ""I see no friends toasting your victory. I see no woman on your arm."" The Nubian warrior nodded his head. ""You looked inside my soul, oh sorceress! How did you know what I long for?"" ""I come from a long line of Jewish women. We're taught from a young age to meddle in other people's problems."" ""Then help me with my problem, oh Jewess!"" ""I'll help you, noble warrior. But there is a price. A steep price indeed."" ""Then name it! What do you want, oh sorceress? You don't mean... my soul?"" ""Your soul? Don't make me laugh. All I want is your money."" ""Then my money you shall have!"" For the next few years, the sorceress followed the warrior whenever he went. During the day, when he fought his battles, she hid herself in the shadows, but at night, when another victory was to be celebrated, she would come out in all her Hebrew glory. On some nights, the sorceress would bring the Nubian a new maiden. Oh, the Jewess knew how to pick them! The warrior was always left satisfied, and the maidens left as swiftly as they appeared. On other nights, it was the Jewess herself that danced the dance of passion. And the warrior rewarded her handsomely. * * * Years passed. The Nubian's fame grew louder by the day. The Nordic beauty bore the warrior two beautiful children. Everything could not have worked out better. Then, one autumn night, after a holiday feast with his wife and family, the Nubian warrior left his house befuddled, saddled up his chariot, and...","Sadly, a Jew","Gloria Allred| Monica Lewinsky| Corey Pavin| Eliot Spitzer| Marguerite Steinheil"
697,"Daniel Stern",12,4,5,3,"OK, intrepid readers it's the moment you've been waiting for: our profile of Corey Haim!!! Corey was born in the small town of... As I sat at my computer, typing the profile of yet another 80s hack actor, I realized that I had reached a key moment in my life... No, Wonder Years-style internal monologue guy! Must... profile... Corey.... Thinking back, it wasn't any different than the hundreds of other Jews I'd written about over the years. But this time, something had changed. Maybe life isn't always about who's Jewish and who isn't. But it is about finding the things that complete us and make us whole. And for me| maybe, just maybe — this profile would be the thing that would bring me that sense of fullness I had spent my whole life searching for. And then it was gone. I felt a sense of loss, like kissing a lost loved one in a dream, only to wake up and find them gone. And I knew, even as I kept typing, that the moment had passed. What? We're out of space? Oh well, maybe we'll get to Corey next time...","Jew","Billy Crystal| Steve Guttenberg| Corey Haim| Paul Reiser| Fred Savage"
698,"Brandon Dubinsky",4,0,1,3,"""Hate"" is a strong word. We use it often, but do we really mean it? For example, we say that we hate borscht. Sure, it's a disgusting soup that took its Russian origins and in America somehow became Jewish cuisine. And sure, we wouldn't eat a spoon of it unless we were stuck on a beet-growing desert island. But ""hate""? Let's just say we strongly dislike borscht. But we really do hate the New York Rangers. At Jew or Not Jew, we are fans of the New Jersey Devils. And even though our team recently brought home three Stanley Cups, and had their way with their cross-river rivals for much of the past 15 years... we still hate the New York Rangers. But herein lies our dilemma. How can we hate the Rangers, when one of their up-and-coming players, Brandon Dubinsky, is often listed as Jewish? We like Jews, right? Thankfully, there is an easy way out. Dubinsky is not Jewish; perhaps the confusion comes from his namesake, former Chicago Blackhawk Steve Dubinsky, who is. But as far as we can tell, there is no relationship between the two; the last name itself, another Russian import, does not hint at any Jewish origins. Whew. We can go back to hating the Rangers. And borscht. No, seriously, we hate borscht.","Not a Jew","Lorne Chabot| Adam Fox| Artemi Panarin| Jordan and Nick Schmaltz| Marty Turco"
699,"Oscar the Grouch",12,3,4,5,"Ah, Oscar the Grouch. Sesame Street's lovable curmudgeon. Jewish? Let's figure it out. Perhaps a look at Oscar's family tree can help us. His mother is... Mrs. Grouch. No first name. His father is... never seen. There are also two of his grandparents, named Grandpa and Granny Grouch. Well, that's not helping. But what's this? Oscar has a cousin, Moishe Oofnik, the star of Israel's version of Sesame Street? Well, that's just terrific. For if one has a Jewish first cousin, they have to share one set of grandparents, meaning that one must be at least half Jewish himself. Now that that's established, since we can't assume that Oscar is 100% Jewish, let's try to figure out if we go with a ""Jew"" or ""Borderline Jew"" verdict. Does Oscar self-identify as Jewish? Not as far as we know. (Although he was named after a Jew, folk singer Oscar Brand.) Does he practice other religions? Again, a no. Living in a trash can is more of a philosophy (a disciple of Diogenes perhaps?) So... hmmm. Well, Oscar does appear in at least three Sesame Street Christmas Specials. Not good, although it doesn't mean he's not Jewish. (Paging Neil Diamond!) And what's this? In ""Christmas Eve on Sesame Street"", Oscar sings ""I Hate Christmas""? Well, that settles it!","Jew","Neil Diamond| Grover| Mr. Hooper| Guy Smiley| Count von Count"
700,"Sherlock Holmes",5,0,0,5,"""What can you say about this gentleman, Watson?"" I tried to picture the man who spent the better half of the past hour regaling us with tales of his misfortune. ""Well, he is a portly fellow,"" said I. ""Anything else?"", asked Holmes, yawning. ""I can not think of anything."" ""He is Jewish, Watson."" ""You are certainly joking, Holmes."" ""On the contrary, dear Watson. You are too timid in drawing your inferences."" ""Then how do you infer that, Holmes? You are not Jewish yourself? You never join me in church."" ""That is quite absurd, Watson. I am agnostic, not Jewish."" ""Then how?"" ""His hat, Watson."" The man wore a very ordinary black hat of the usual round shape. ""Then, pray tell me what it is that you can infer from this hat?"" ""He did not take it off when Mrs. Hudson came in to serve tea."" ""No, he did not. To not remove your hat in front of a woman! Quite rude."" ""Not in this case, Watson. For our visitor is quite a refined gentleman. His cufflinks alone are worth more than your entire wardrobe."" ""I must confess that I am unable to follow you."" ""Jews, dear Watson, do not remove their hats, even when they are indoors."" ""Astonishing, Holmes!"" ""Indeed, Watson."" He paused, puffing at his pipe and gazing down into the fire. ""So what does him being Jewish have to do with the case?"", I asked. ""Everything, Watson. Everything.""","Sadly, Not a Jew","Jean-Baptiste Adamsberg| Irene Adler| Benedict Cumberbatch| Robert Downey Jr.| Adam Worth"
701,"Jason Schwartzman",11,3,4,4,"Whom should we write about today... let's look in the Jew or Not Jew mailbox, shall we? A reader from Seattle wants us to profile Jason Schwartzman because ""he's pretty awesome and super cool"". Hmmm. Jason Schwartzman, you say? Pretty awesome and super cool? Hmmmm. We wonder, dear reader, do you really know Mr. Schwartzman, or do you get your impression from his roles? Sure, he might be pretty awesome as Max Fischer in ""Rushmore"" and super cool as Jonathan Ames in ""Bored to Death"", but in real life? And, besides, what's awesome and cool to one might be lame and trite to another. You see, wonderful reader, what you should have written is that we should profile Schwartzman because he is an interesting case of Hollywood royalty marrying into Judaism. Jason is the son of actress Talia Shire, the sister of Francis Ford Coppola. Talia married producer Jack Schwartzman, who was Jewish, but Jason was raised without religion. Seriously, faithful readers, you're gonna have to try harder if you want us to follow up on your suggestions...","Borderline Jew","Matt Damon| Ted Danson| Lena Dunham| Max Fischer| Jenny Slate"
702,"Brittany Murphy",4,1,1,2,"Here's a rule we haven't mentioned before: the Behind the Music Rule. Yes, every now and again we add a new rule to our repertoire. The Berenstain Bears Rule, the Gargamel Rule (without definitive evidence, we can decide if someone's Jewish or not), and the Reverse Hype Rule (the more something is hyped, the more likely it is to suck, i.e. The Spirit from last year). For those of you who were too busy squashing the Y2K bug (or have no idea what a Y2K bug is) to watch TV, Behind the Music was a show on VH1 about various rock bands and musicians. Without fail, in almost every case, these shows would be about people who had it all: money, fame, women (or men as the case may be), etc. And yet, by the third commercial break, these same people with ""everything"" would be depressed, angry, even suicidal. Thus, the Behind the Music Rule: Money, fame, sports cars, Hawaiian homes| none of these things make you happy. You can have everything in the world and more, if you don't have happiness, it just doesn't matter. Sometimes on these episodes from the early aughts, the musicians figure it out. They reconcile with their estranged father, go to rehab, get in a supportive relationship and put their lives back together. Sometimes they don't. Sometimes, like Brittany Murphy, they end up dead. It is a chilling reminder that the things we've been taught to value in this country really aren't that valuable. The Behind the Music Rule, unlike a lot of our other rules isn't there to predict the future or tell us who might be Jewish (in this case, the rumor that Brittany had a Jewish grandparent turns out to be false). It is, instead, a cautionary tale for when we, ourselves, start to go a little bit off the tracks. Money, fame, even life are sadly temporary things. But if you can't find happiness in your own life, sadness can last forever.","Not a Jew","Berenstain Bears| Gargamel| Cher Horowitz| Alicia Silverstone| The Spirit"
703,"Spike Spiegel",8,1,2,5,"Will there be Jews in the future? Maybe that's an odd question but ask any science fiction fanatic if they remember any Jewish characters and they're sure to be stumped. Of course, most sci-fi tends to assume there will be no religion at all. Or, perhaps, there will be all new religions: Coca-Catholic. Robotism. The High Temple of Carrot Top. Stuff like that. Now, there are also science fiction stories that stick with the old reliables and those are full of Christians, but never any Jews. Where will we go? Are we doomed to be remembered as extinct or *gasp* perhaps even fictional? Leprechauns, unicorns, Jews? Or perhaps we will simply assimilate to the extent that we fade into the genetic mists. For instance, one Spike Spiegel from the tres excellent Cowboy Bebop. As he flies around in his bad ass spaceship doing cool, space-y things he sure looks the part. He's got the hair, the nose, even the name. But Spike is anything but Jewish. Perhaps one day they'll see. When their teeth are rotten, their clothes ill-fitting, their humor homogeneous and bland, the goyim will look back in their life pods and wonder what they've lost. Oh sure, existence is just one big laser-sword-filled utopia, but, man, we lost something important when we lost the Jews.","Sadly, Not a Jew","The Japanese| Spike Jonze| Kadabra| Optimus Prime| Robots"
704,"Sebastian Rozental",9,4,3,2,"In 1997, we thought we might be getting our Jewish soccer superstar. Just 20 years old, Sebastian Rozental tore up the Chilean league with his goals. Scottish giants Glasgow Rangers paid a hefty 3.5 million pounds for his rights. And he was poised to play for Chile in the 1998 World Cup. And then he tore up his knee. And that was it for Rozental. No World Cup; career with Rangers reduced to sporadic appearances; an attempt to regain his form in Argentina and back in Chile; a stint in the US minor leagues and a forgettable year in Major League Soccer; and finally, a last ditch attempt to make something of himself in the land of his forefathers, Israel. All of that amounted to jack squat. Alas, this story has no redemption. Rozental is now retired, a promising career destroyed. So much for a Jewish soccer superstar.","Jew","Omer Damari| Don Francisco| Ben Lederman| Haim Revivo| Juan Pablo Sorin"
705,"Steve Carell",7,0,2,5,"Steve Carell is a funny, self-deprecating, big-nosed actor/comedian whose family Anglicized its name. Jewish, right? Wrong. Believe it or not, there are some funny goyishe actor/comedians out there: Carell and... well, we'll let you know when we think of another one. The Anglicization came from the Italian Caroselli, which is also the likely source of Steve's enormous schnoz. (We covered it before: not all Jews have big noses. Not all big-nosed people are Jews. If it was only that simple, there would be no need for this website.) Carell's mother is Polish; nee Koch. That gave us a ray of hope, for Koch is one of those ambiguous last names: it could be German, Czech, Polish, or Jewish. But there is no evidence out there that Miss Koch was anything but a plain old Pole. Sigh. Oh... we got it! Ricky Gervais. The other funny goyishe actor/comedian. Good luck finding a third.","Sadly, Not a Jew","Stephen Colbert| Jenna Fischer| Felonious Gru| B. J. Novak| Jon Stewart"
706,"Julian Edelman",10,2,4,4,"Julian Edelman: ThenNow(Profile updated: 2020) Converted college quarterback Best slot receiver in NFL Little-known backup wide receiver Three-time champion, Super Bowl MVP 1/8 Jewish by birth Embraces his Jewish background Raised Christian Speaks out against antisemitism and ignorance Did not consider himself Jewish Proud Jew Jew Score: 6 Jew Score: 10 One of the most popular profiles on our website One of the most popular profiles on our website","Jew","Nate Ebner| Mark Herzlich| Robert Kraft| Wayne Millner| Andre Tippett"
707,"Marvin Miller",14,5,4,5,"Imagine you graduate from college with a degree in... oh, let's say advertising. Just for the heck of it. And let's say you're rewarded for your great grades by being forced to work for the worst advertising agency in the country, located 1400 miles away from anyone you know and love. No matter how hard you work and sacrifice for the company, every year they renegotiate your contract to insure you're underpaid. And even if you grow to love the little town you work in, enjoy your co-workers, et al, the agency can ship you off to wherever they like without so much as a 'thank you' note. And if you decide that you're unhappy with any of this| no problem — they'll just fire you and blacklist you from the advertising industry forever. This is the life that professional baseball players were forced into before Marvin Miller. And whether you think these athletes are overpaid, greedy jerks or not, you cannot argue that Miller changed the landscape of professional sports forever. You would be forced to assume that a league that was altered so much by this one man would reward him by putting him in the Hall of Fame. But thus far both the executives he fought and the players he enriched have shut him out. The last straw came in December 2007 when Miller's main adversary (being charitable here) all time dope Commissioner Bowie Kuhn was elected to the Hall while Miller was told to wait on the sidelines. Miller responded with anger, calling the Hall ""full of villains"" and it's election process ""a farce."" Even going so far as to tell his next of kin to reject the honor if it were to be given posthumously (Miller is in his 90s. Time is running out). And y'know what? We don't blame him. We can only hope his enshrinement as a 14 here at JewOrNotJew.com helps salve his wounds. After all, Miller now joins such luminaries as Sandy Koufax, Marc Chagall and Jack Kirby — heck even Moses! — while outscoring modern ignoramuses (ignorami?) like Rod Carew and Alex Rodriguez. It's the least we can do for this great, great man.","Jew","Barney Dreyfuss| Donald Fehr| Allan Roth| Bud Selig| George Steinbrenner"
708,"Jared Fogle",6,4,2,0,"We have a gripe with Subway. Not for being the usual terrible fast food joint, that's expected. But in the NYC area they have the nerve to offer a pastrami sub and| as experts in all things salted and cured — we have to tell you: it's terrible. The meat is terrible. The mustard is terrible. The whole thing is just one big sloppy disaster covered in Swiss cheese. No thank you. Seriously Subway, if you can't do the sandwich decent why even bother? It's not like you make a crappy cheesesteak in Philly. All of which leads us to Jared Fogle, the famous fellow who lost weight eating Subway sandwiches (and exercising. Seriously, America, it literally wouldn't kill you to take a g-ddammed walk once in a while). Wouldn't a nice Jewish boy like Jared want to promote a place that serves nice Jewish foods instead of this crap? On the other hand, we can only imagine how heavy Jared would be if he had been eating delicious pastrami sandwiches instead of turkey all these years. Frankly, it has probably kept him alive. So maybe it all works out for the best. (Editor's update, August 18, 2015: Child pornography? No, it didn't work out for the best.)","Sadly, a Jew","Jeffrey Epstein| Wendy Kaufman| Clara Peller| Reuben Sandwich| A. Alfred Taubman"
709,"Yuri Foreman",11,5,3,3,"Hey you, Manny Pacquiao, boxing's newest golden boy! Yes, you, with your tiny head! Be afraid. Be VERY AFRAID. So you think you're up to the challenge? Really? Are you ready for a nice Jewish boy from Brooklyn who studies the Torah in his spare time? Oh, you wait... Just you wait. Wait for Yuri Foreman| that's WBA Super Welterweight CHAMPION Yuri Foreman — to unleash his rabbinical fury on your puny little head... You wont know what hit you... POW! SMACK! And POW again! Here's a tip for you, Manny. Give up NOW. Why suffer through the humiliation of getting pummeled to pieces? Just retire to wherever you come from and cry into your tiny pillow about your lost boxing glory. You can't win, Manny. YOU. CAN'T. WIN.","Jew","Jackie Fields| Carl Froch| Vitali and Wladimir Klitschko| Victor Perez| Cletus Seldin"
710,"John D. Rockefeller",4,0,1,3,"Somewhere, in a bunker underneath Switzerland... ""Order! Order! Please finish up your bagels, we're about to start. The fourteenth annual meeting of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion is now open, Chairman Rubinstein presiding. We'll start with the roll call, as usual. Rothschild?"" ""Present."" ""Rosen?"" ""Here."" ""Rabinovich?"" ""He went home, Chairman. Food poisoning."" ""I knew we shouldn't have gone with the discount herring. Rockefeller?"" ""Rockefeller?"" ""Chairman, Rockefeller is not Jewish."" ""What do you mean, he is not Jewish?"" ""He is Baptist."" ""Baptist? How can that be? He's the richest person in the world! How can he not be Jewish?"" ""Chairman, the goyim can be rich as well."" ""Goyim can be rich? That's absurd!"" ""Not as absurd as the world's richest Jews meeting in a bunker underneath Switzerland...""","Not a Jew","Warren Buffett| The Illuminati| Mayer Rothschild| Jacob Schiff| George Soros"
711,"Megan Fox",3,0,0,3,"Today, we're gonna look at the top 10 JONJ searches over the past year to see if there is a worthy profile among them. Gotta give the readers what they want, after all. Ideally, we like to pick subjects who someone out there might think are Jewish. #1. Barack Obama. Oh boy. What a start. It's gonna be this kind of day, isn't it? #2. Bill Gates. Seriously? Sure, he's rich, but... come on. Bill Gates? #3. Steve Martin. OK. Funny guy, sure. Jews are funny. But we just recently mentioned he is not Jewish (see Steve Carell). Moving on. #4. Tom Cruise. You're kidding, right? #5. George Bush. Crap. Come on, dear readers. George freakin' Bush? In what world could he (doesn't matter which one, father or W.) could be Jewish? #6. Vladimir Putin. Well, we did profile his puppet successor, Dmitry Medvedev... But Russians LOVE Putin, so they'll never make up a Jewish rumor about him. #7. Brad Pitt. No, really, it's this kind of a day. #8. John Lennon. There actually was a rumor that Ringo was Jewish, but has there ever been such a rumor about John? Paul did have a Jewish wife... Yoko Ono, however? Pass. #9. Al Pacino. He did play Shylock in ""The Merchant of Venice"", but let's see if we can do one better... #10. Megan Fox. Fine, you twisted our arm. Let's give the readers what they want for a change!","Not a Jew","Tom Cruise| Bill Gates| Shia LaBeouf| Steve Martin| Vladimir Putin"
712,"Keith Olbermann",4,0,1,3,"When we were in high school, we had a ritual every Monday morning. We would wake up a little early, and watch ESPN's SportsCenter to catch up on Sunday's results and highlights. And the tag team of Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann had a lot to do with it. The witty hosts made SportsCenter interesting. It became much more than just scores and statistics. Then, we went off to college, and SportsCenter was no longer a priority. Besides, something called the ""Internet"" was invented. We could now click on highlights with one hand, and with the other... never mind. By the time we got out of college, Olbermann had left ESPN to become a political pundit. He is now a big-headed liberal know-it-all on MSNBC (see, we can be fair, conservative readers). Recently, he and Patrick reunited on NBC's Sunday night football show in an attempt to relive their glory days. But it's just not the same. Nothing from high school ever is.","Not a Jew","Chris Berman| Suzy Kolber| Rebecca Lobo| Rachel Maddow| Dick Schaap"
713,"Harold Abrahams",11,4,3,4,"You might have seen the Oscar-winning movie ""Chariots of Fire"". It's a story of two British runners competing in the 1924 Olympics: a gentile, Eric Lidell, and a Jew, Harold Abrahams. The two form a friendship, Abrahams overcomes antisemitism to win the gold medal, there's inspirational music. The Academy loved it. And it's based on a true story, of course, for Abrahams did become the first Jew to win the title of World's Fastest Man by capturing the Olympic gold in the 100 meter run. (To clarify, in the Irena Szewinska profile we wrote that no Jew has ever been the world's fastest man. That is true, if you look at 100 meter record holders, but not true if you look at 100 meter Olympic champions, which are not necessarily one and the same... anyway, where were we?) Chariots of Fire, Abrahams, gold medal, Jew. Hooray? Not so fast. Sometime in the 1930s, Abrahams converted to Catholicism. Ugh. Now, that did not stop the International Jewish Hall of Fame from electing him, but... converting to Catholicism? Really? Stupid Hollywood with its stupid ""twist"" endings.","Borderline Jew","Louis Clarke| Sebastian Coe| Morris Fisher| Abel Kiviat| Myer Prinstein"
714,"Annie Duke",9,3,2,4,"Over 600 profiles ago, we added Mike Matusow. That sounds like a long time and it was. Here are a few things we've learned since then: We've learned that if we write about how Jews need to murder more people, then no one pays attention. But if we show a picture of an older Elizabeth Taylor we're ""putzes."" And you don't want to know what happened when we mentioned that Mel Gibson wasn't Jewish. We've also learned we can write whatever the heck we want about politics, because either way we're betraying the Jewish people. Seriously. Finally, we've learned that there are plenty of Jewish poker players out there including today's profilee Annie Duke and her brother Howard Lederer (through their father, author and linguist Robert Lederer). Good poker players who behave appropriately at the table, win bracelets, and inspire us in our own (poor) attempts at playing the game. Yes we've learned quite a bit since the early days of JONJ. But what is most worrisome? We've learned we actually kind of like Mike Matusow. Sometimes it's just better not to know, y'know?","Borderline Jew","Victoria Coren Mitchell| Jack of Clubs| Mike Matusow| Kevin Pollak| Stu Ungar"
715,"Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog",13,4,5,4,"As our readers know, we put a lot of research into our profiles. Countless websites are browsed in search of that elusive Jew or Not Jew proof, references are checked, cross-checked, and then checked again. We try our best, dear readers. For YOU. But what happens when the information out there is conflicting? We're talking about the heritage of the Conan O'Brien's late night co-star| Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog. According to Triumph's official website, his father, ""a toy Rottweiler, sang in Yiddish Theater"". But it's his mother that we're having issues with. The website claims that she is a ""sleek Afghan"" who ""looks like Celine Dion"". So that would make Triumph half Jewish, right? But then there's Triumph's performance on last year's Chabad Telethon, when the yarmulke-wearing canine sang a tribute to his ""Yiddish mama"". The good folks at Chabad were even so kind to put up a photo. And in that photo, Triumph's now-Yiddish mother did not look at all Afghani. So what is it? Does Triumph only claim to be half-Jewish on his official website, as not to lose that goyim audience? But when performing for Jews, the truth comes out? Or, perhaps his birth mother was an Afghan, but his ""Yiddish mama"" (really, step-mama) raised him after the Celine Dion lookalike left his father and ran off with her manager? It's hard to tell. But even with all these uncertainties, one thing is clear:","Jew","Louis C.K.| Canaan Dog| Einstein| Jack E. Leonard| Don Rickles"
716,"Orlando Bloom",5,1,1,3,"It's time for another installment of our ""Ask Jew or Not Jew"" feature, where young readers write in for advice. Here's a letter we recently received. Dear Jew or Not Jew, I don't know what to do! I just found out that I was adopted and that my birth parents are NOT Jewish! I already had my future planned out: I was going to attend Brandeis in the fall and go to dental school after that... Now, I have no idea what to do! Am I Jewish? Am I goy? Please help...| Jacob Lifschitz, 17, Brookline, Massachusetts Dear Jacob, first of all, thank you for turning to us in a time of crisis. G-d knows, a somewhat humorous Jew-finding website is the place to answer such questions. You really have to ask yourself, even with these findings, do you FEEL Jewish? Take a look at actor Orlando Bloom. When he was a child, he thought his father was Jewish novelist Harry Saul Bloom. But then his mother revealed that the real father is some goy named Colin Stone, a family ""friend"". Since then, Orlando has shed all Jewish roots, be they inherited or imagined. For him, it was the right thing to do. Stupid elf. So we suggest to get a good night's sleep, wake up refreshed, look in the mirror, and ask yourself, do you see a Jew? And do let us know how it works out. Besides, believe it or not, goyim are allowed to be dentists as well. Thanks again for writing, Jew or Not Jew.","Not a Jew","Lily Collins| Jeff Goldblum| Gollum| Logan Lerman| Elijah Wood"
717,"Don Garber",12,4,4,4,"We need to admit something. We like Major League Soccer. Boy, it feels good to get it off our chest. Let's say it again... we like Major League Soccer. There. Even when the league's best players leave for the greener pastures of Europe. Even with its penny-pinching salary cap and communistic rules. Even when our beloved MetroStars were gobbled up and turned into the abomination that is Red Bull New York. Still, it's soccer, it's here in America, most of our World Cup team got it start in MLS, and the level of play gets better every year. And the man who runs it all? Commissioner Don Garber. When Garber took over ten years ago, MLS was barely surviving. Every season was thought to be its last. Now, the league is| if not thriving — succeeding: steady expansion, new stadiums, committed owners. All under Garber's watch. Oh, and he's a Jew. We'll gladly admit that.","Jew","David Beckham| Gary Bettman| Chuck Blazer| Alan Rothenberg| Adam Silver"
718,"Caspar Weinberger",6,3,1,2,"For those of you that think that Earth history begins sometime in 1996, Cap Weinberger was the Secretary of Defense under Ronald Reagan and played a fairly major part in the Iran Contra Scandal (either by outright assisting or by quietly disapproving, which, since he allowed it to happen either way, is sort of splitting hairs, isn't it?). Weinberger, despite his Jew-y last name, was raised Episcopalian. Here's where it gets interesting: his paternal grandparents were Jews, but| according to the ever-reliable Internets — they left the faith after an argument with their local temple. That's — wow — that's just hard to picture. Certainly we've all had disagreements at our respective temples. Our own childhood shul once split in half over some divisive political maneuvering. But to leave Judaism entirely? That had to be SOME argument. Look, we can understand if you disagree with how they're cutting the challah or who gets to wear the fancy-looking yarmulkes and you decide you'd like to worship somewhere else. But to be so enraged that you throw off the faith entirely? Where in an argument do you get to, ""That's it! I'm done with your temple, and your G-d, AND your entire belief system!"" We've been in some dumb arguments over the years (some of which we even started), so maybe we shouldn't be the ones to judge. But if you ever get so mad you're ready to light your entire culture on fire, do us a favor: leave the argument. Maybe take a few days to sleep on it. Anything that rash really needs to done with a clear head. It'll save you some regrets later in life. Trust us.","Barely a Jew","Madeleine Albright| William Cohen| Ari Fleischer| Colin Powell| James Schlesinger"
719,"Chelsea Handler",10,3,4,3,"Through this whole Jay/Conan mess, we noticed that there aren't any Jewish late night talk show hosts. Not the aforementioned Jay Leno or Conan O'Brien. Not David Letterman or Jimmy Kimmel. Not Craig Ferguson, or Jimmy Fallon, or Carson Daly. Not the somewhat-recently-departed Tom Snyder or Craig Kilborn. Not even cable hosts (other than the the delightful Jon Stewart): Stephen Colbert, George Lopez, or Bill Maher (well, he doesn't really consider himself Jewish). Not even the cringe-inducing Chevy Chase or Magic Johnson (DUH! on that one). Nope, all we got is the delightful Jon Stewart and... Chelsea Handler, the host of Chelsea Lately on E!. Chelsea is half Jewish and half Mormon, but was raised Jewish. So how did Chelsea break through the goyim glass ceiling and not only got a late night talk show, but also kept it? Well, she's dating Ted Harbert, 20 years her senior, who, as the head of Comcast, runs E!. So... ummm... well, we do have the delightful Jon Stewart, of course.","Jew","Stephen Colbert| Jimmy Fallon| David Letterman| Bill Maher| Jon Stewart"
720,"Andrea Zuckerman",12,5,5,2,"There's a little known corollary to the James Wilson Law. One that, frankly, we're loathe to admit. For those of you who slept through the first 700 profiles, the James Wilson Law states: If thou hast an ensemble cast of characters, one of them MUST be Jewish. Here's the corollary: If you're looking at said ensemble cast and cannot discern the Jew, here's a hint: pick the nerdy loser. Sad but true. So if we told you to use the James Wilson Law to pick the Jewish character on 90210 and you said Brandon, Brenda, Dylan, Donna (played by Tori Spelling: Jew), Valerie or Steve (played by Ian Ziering: Jew). You'd be wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. Wrong. Those people were too young, fun and attractive to be Jewish. But if you picked seminal wet blanket Andrea (pronounced Ahndrea, just to make it clear that she was a whole freakin' box of tool), played by the 95-year-old Gabrielle Carteris (surprisingly: Jew), then good on you. Undrea was extra-super Jewish on that show and even had whole episodes (boring, annoying, douse yourself in gasoline, flip over to see what's on CBS episodes) based on her religion. Which, sadly, also means we can't kick the undesirable Ohndrea off using the Gargamel Law. What's that? You missed the Gargamel Law, too? What are you people DOING with your time?","Sadly, a Jew","Gargamel| Rachel Green| Tori Spelling| James Wilson| Ian Ziering"
721,"King David",14,5,5,4,"It's that time of the year again, when we take a beloved Biblical character and try to deny him the perfect Jew Score. What, you think if we did it for Abraham and Moses, we won't do it for David? Think again... Let's start with the I Score. Some might deny David perfection here, because his great-grandmother, Ruth, was a convert. Some, but not us. We're very inclusive of converts here; besides, her conversion would make David's grandfather 100% Jewish, trickling all the way down. No dice. The O Score... Well, duh. Obvious perfection. Everyone knows that David was King of the Jews. And a big hero at that. Even Michelangelo gave him a Jewish nose. Which leaves us with the K. Here, we'll dock a point. How, asks the reader. David is great! He killed Goliath! Ruled Israel! Wrote some great songs! Easily, that's how. You see, David was a... murderer. No, we're not talking about Goliath here| that was war, and he did it for the Jewish people. We're talking about the story of Bathsheba. David saw her bathing and fell in love with her. Bathsheba was already married, but David would have none of that. So he first shtupped the wife, then got the husband killed. Come to think of it, maybe docking one point is not enough...","Jew","Abraham| Queen Esther| Jacob| Moses| King Solomon"
722,"Drake",9,3,2,4,"The Grammy Awards are coming up, and we're actually going to pay attention. No, not because of the award for Best Klezmer Performance, that category has been sadly discontinued. No, we're actually interested in the categories for rap. Yes, you heard us right, RAP. Aubrey Drake Graham, AKA Drake, supposedly the hot new name in the genre, is going up against such giants as Eminem and Jay-Z in the best Rap Song and best Rap Solo Performance categories. Would we be surprised if he wins? Absolutely. And no, not because Drake is Jewish (even bar mitzvahed). Ever heard of the Beastie Boys? Jews practically invented rap. No, we would be surprised because Drake is... Canadian. Seriously, a Canadian with a chance to be named the best rapper? What's the world coming to?","Jew","Beastie Boys| Marc Bendavid| Mac Miller| Asher Roth| Usher"
723,"Alfred Flatow",13,5,3,5,"It's time for JONJ trivia!... Who was the first Jew to win an Olympic medal? Correct! Well, that wasn't so hard, was it? On April 9, 1896, at the inaugural modern Olympics, cousins Alfred and Gustav Flatow helped their country to two gymnastics golds: in team horizontal and parallel bars. Alfred also added an individual silver on the horizontal. A day later, he became the first Jewish individual Olympic champion with a gold on parallels. Boy, the Flatows really were bar masters! Now, for a harder question... what country did the Flatows represent? Correct! Not exactly expected, is it? tries = 0; b1 = document.tf.a1; b2 = document.tf.a2; function answer1() { v = b1.value.toLowerCase().trim(); if (v == ""flatow"" || v == ""alfred flatow"" || v == ""gustav flatow"") { b1.disabled = true; d1.style.display=""inline""; tries = 0; } else { if (v != """") tries++; m = ""Wrong!""; if (tries == 2) m = ""Try again!""; if (tries >= 3) m = ""Come on, his name is right there!""; if (v == """") m = ""Take a guess!""; alert(m); b1.focus(); } } function answer2() { v = b2.value.toLowerCase().trim(); if (v == ""germany"") { b2.disabled = true; d2.style.display=""inline""; } else { if (v != """") tries++; m = ""Wrong!""; if (tries == 2) m = ""Try again!""; if (tries >= 3) m = ""Hint: the country is not exactly known for embracing Jews.""; if (v == """") m = ""Take a guess!""; if (v == ""austria"") m = ""Close...""; if (v == ""prussia"") m = ""Very close...""; if (v == ""england"" || v == ""uk"" || v == ""great britain"") m = ""More continental.""; if (v == ""france"") m = ""Go east just a bit.""; if (v == ""poland"") m = ""In 1896, Poland was divided between Russia and Germany.""; if (v == ""russia"") m = ""The country you're looking for is not exactly known for embracing Jews either.""; if (v == ""usa"") m = ""Think European.""; alert(m); b2.focus(); } }","Jew","Gottfried Fuchs| Alfred Hajos| Otto Herschmann| Myer Prinstein| Adolf Schmal"
724,"Alex Borstein",11,4,5,2,"We just noticed that MADtv is off the air. You probably need an explanation of exactly what MADtv was. In the mid-1990s, as Saturday Night Live was struggling, Fox launched its own Saturday night comedy sketch show, MADtv. The difference from SNL was that it wasn't live... and it wasn't funny. For even in its lean years, Saturday Night Live churned out memorable sketches, characters, and performances. MADtv... not so much. What MADtv did do is come up with one-joke, annoying characters and then repeat them week after week, running that one joke into the ground, and just when you think they got to the end of the rope, they would find a few extra inches to hang themselves on. Take Miss Swan, the Korean dry cleaner(?)/manicurist(?) played by zaftig Jewish comedienne Alex Borstein. Week after week, same stupid joke, same two tired lines repeated ad nauseum. Did people laugh? Did anyone actually find Miss Swan funny? And if so, could you please explain to us why? Regardless, MADtv is now gone and it took us a year to notice. Meanwhile, Borstein has actually done pretty well for herself. She now plays Lois Griffin on Family Guy where she can now repeat other people's jokes over and over again. This is progress?","Jew","Ike Barinholtz| Rachel Brosnahan| Mort Goldman| Lois Griffin| Kevin Pollak"
725,"Mr. Burns",6,1,1,4,"Could Mr. Burns be Jewish? According to some, yes; he is super-rich and has a big nose, so he must be a Jewish stereotype! Oh, some. It's so easy to look on the surface and subscribe to the stereotype d' jour. Easy and WRONG. There's absolutely nothing Jewish about Mr. Burns. He's a prototypical WASP billionaire, based on Norwegian magnate Fredrik Olsen, as well as John D. Rockefeller (Not a Jew, as previously discussed). Want more evidence? Well, Mr. Burns attended Yale during the early 20th century, when that university was unbashfully antisemitic. Not only that, at Yale he was a member of the Skull and Bones (no Jews allowed). Not enough? What about Mr. Burns' claim that he made shells for the Nazis during World War II (""and mine worked, damn it!"")? Or when he celebrates Christmas, even if it is begrudgingly? Even his nose, his big nose, is not Jewish at all. If we're going by stereotypes here, his is long, thin, and straight; Jewish tend to be bulky, thick and bumpy. Mr. Burns: Not a Jew. Excellent...","Not a Jew","George Burns| Krusty the Clown| John D. Rockefeller| Ebenezer Scrooge| Harry Shearer"
726,"Jon Gosselin",2,1,1,0,"As part of JONJ's continued dedication to our long history and the Jewish community, we will occasionally republish profiles from our historical archives. Today| using our patented TimeScapeTM Technology — we present Jon Gosselin, retrieved from the JewOrNotJew Mindnet in 2154 and written by Citizen Klelmstein. Of course, everyone knows that the greatest leader in human history, global savior and galactic peacemaker Jon Gosselin, was Jewish. But very few knew how this came to be. For you see, President Gosselin wasn't born Jewish, but instead was of mixed descent, including South Korean, Irish and French. However, after His Majesty, Jon Gosselin's public divorce from his wife, Kate, his Lordship found a new love: the future Saint Hailey Glassman, a Jewish woman. The future Philosopher King then discovered that many people in his life were Jewish, including his Jewish lawyer. He took it as a divine signal to make a change. From the revered historical archives: ""Hailey is Jewish. Everyone in my life is Jewish now, my attorney. I love it. I'm now half Jewish and half Korean... I love challah bread. I'm learning about Jewish food, going to Zabar's. I love that place. I'm learning about kosher and when not to order a bacon, egg and cheese and make an ass of myself."" Truly, these are the words of a future titan in the history of humanity. When he spoke them, no one knew that they were just a few short years away from the Unification, the infinite harvest and the greatest golden age that humanity would ever know. To them, Jon Gosselin the Great was just another untalented, wanna-be-celebrity moron. It's hard to imagine, isn't it?","Not a Jew","Dustin Diamond| Corey Feldman| Paris Hilton| Snooki| Jonathan Taylor Thomas"
727,"Mister Ed",4,1,0,3,"A horse is a horse, of course of course, but how do you know if he's Jewish? It's fairly easy, actually. What you need to do is manually check for circumcision. Start by kneeling down next to a calm, male horse. Then, using your left hand, reach for the shaft and... NAH, we're just kidding. The real way to find out if a horse is Jewish is to ask him. Well, that's what works in Mr. Ed's case anyway. Sort of. You see, Mr. Ed was voiced by Allan ""Rocky"" Lane, who was not a Jew. But, Ed's singing voice was Sheldon Allman, who was Jewish. Anyhoo, since Ed was kinda sorta voiced by someone Jewish we're more than happy to agree that Mr. Ed was kinda sorta Jewish, himself. Kinda. More importantly, though, we have to feel for poor Sheldon. Really, having to put ""Mr. Ed's Singing Voice"" on a resume? That can't be good for one's ego.","Barely a Jew","American Pharoah| Raphael Bob-Waksberg| Boba Fett| Frankel| Zev"
728,"Chris Van Allsburg",7,2,2,3,"Let's consider a completely hypothetical situation. Let's say your name is Pinchas Ben Schmuel, you're Jewish, obviously, and you're a children's author and illustrator. And you fall in love with a shiksa. Nothing far-fetched so far. And let's say that shiksa will only marry you if you convert to Christianity. Horrible, we know. And let's say that you're so head over heels for her (she's blonde, and has nice... features, and laughs at 99% of your jokes, and did we mention she's blonde) that you say goodbye to Judaism and hello to Methodism, or Catholicism, or whatever. Would you (and remember, you're a hypothetical children's author), then write a book about the joys of Hanukkah? No, right? Not as absurd as converting to Christianity in the first place, but a tad hypocritical, isn't it? Even if that book becomes a best-seller, and a modern classic, how could you look into the blue eyes of your blonde, big-featured shiksa wife and tell her with a straight face that you're committed to Baptism, or Mormonism, or whatever stupid sect of stupid Christianity she made you give up Judaism for? The answer is, you wouldn't. No Jew in their right mind, hypothetical or not, would convert to Christianity in the first place. But the reverse does happen from time to time. Chris Van Allsburg, for instance. Converted to Judaism for his wife. Attends synagogue. Wears yarmulkes. And THEN wrote ""The Polar Express"". Yeah, we don't get it either.","Jew","Judy Blume| Daniel Handler| Maurice Sendak| Dr. Seuss| R. L. Stine"
729,"Felix Mendelssohn",11,4,3,4,"In the Gustav Mahler profile, we wrote that there were very few Jewish pre-20th century, classical composers. Our readers complained. So we profiled Charles-Valentin Alkan, the exception to the rule. Our readers continue complaining. Sure, Alkan is fine and everything, but what about Felix Mendelssohn? Well, here's the thing, concerned readers. Felix was born Jewish, but that did not last. When he was seven, his father renounced Judaism, and got the whole family baptized, changing the last name to Bartholdy. Young Felix became a Christian. But unlike his treacherous father, Felix did not completely renounce his Jewish roots. He was now a Bartholdy, sure, but he did not ditch his original name, his full goy moniker becoming Jakob Ludwig Felix Mendelssohn Bartholdy. And some scholars see his score for ""Die erste Walpurgisnacht"" as a ""Jewish protest against the domination of Christianity"". So that's nice. Nice, but not enough. Sorry, dear readers. Felix was born a Jew, but did not live as a Jew. ""Borderline"" is as high as we'll go, and even that's a stretch.","Borderline Jew","Charles-Valentin Alkan| Fromental Halevy| Gustav Mahler| Anton Rubinstein| Johann Strauss"
730,"Uri Geller",10,5,4,1,"Ah, the 1970s. Such a bizarre time. If you missed them, here's an easy way to get a better feel for the ""Me Decade"": Back in the 1970s there was this fellow named Uri Geller. Uri was a former Israeli paratrooper who had a little trick: he could bend spoons. Not with his hands, oh no, but with his mind. Geller could also read minds (sort of, it involved picturing what someone was about to draw), stop and restart watches, and| we assume — do other sorts of tortuous things to various household items that were minding their own business and certainly didn't deserve to be molested in that way. Ordinarily, a fellow of this sort would be confined to working the children's magic circuit or pandering around Quincy Market for change from college students. But in the 1970s, oh no, this was a legitimate phenomenon! Geller appeared on multiple programs — including The Tonight Show — and (we can't make this stuff up) was even studied by the Stanford Research Institute to better understand his paranormal powers (results were inconclusive. Shocker). That's right, in the 1970s having mystical mental abilities given to you by aliens (abilities that could mystically be recreated by every magician with a rabbit and a deck of cards) didn't make you a crackpot, it made you a STAR. Yup. That pretty much says it all, doesn't it?","Sadly, a Jew","David Blaine| Erik Jan Hanussen| Michael Jackson| Kadabra| Wolf Messing"
731,"Matt Stone",11,3,4,4,"When we were in college, our dorm had just one TV. Which was fine, most of the time. When you're in college, watching TV is not exactly your top priority. So more often than not, the lone TV stayed idle. But not on in the fall of 1997, when the vast majority of those 150 people huddled in the tiny media room on Wednesday nights. Jocks and nerds, burnouts and cheerleaders (wait, did we even have cheerleaders in our dorm? Let's say yes, for the sake of this profile)... ""South Park"" was on. ""South Park"" could not be missed. Everyone had their favorite character. For some it was Stan, the leader. For others, Cartman, the evil asshole, or Kenny, the one who always died. But our favorite has always been Kyle. The Jewish one, of course. Kyle was based on Matt Stone, the Jewish co-creator of the show... or so we thought. You see, while Kyle is 100% Jewish, Stone is not. He is half by blood, agnostic, and considers himself ""ethnically Jewish, but that's about all."" Thanks a lot, Matt. Thanks for ruining our happy college memories.","Borderline Jew","Yasmine Bleeth| Kyle Broflovski| Adam Duritz| Nathan Fielder| Sarah Silverman"
732,"Willow Rosenberg",11,4,3,4,"Waaaaaaay back when everyone thought the Internet was just a fad, there was a movie called Buffy the Vampire Slayer. This led to two important results: First, America succumbed to the terrible urge to drop the ""S"" from the title and make vampire-themed porn. Second, it led to the creation of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer the TV show. And, remarkably, Buffy the Vampire Slayer the TV show was actually GOOD. Really, really good. Best-show-on television-that-people-with-boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses-weren't- watching good. We've already profiled the lovely Sarah Michelle Gellar (who played the goyishe, titular Buffy), so all of this would just be fan service except for one thing: Willow Rosenberg. Willow, for those of you who were dating at the time, began the series as Buffy's mousy best friend and eventually turned into an all-powerful magic wielding (and occasionally evil) powerhouse with one of the most believable gay relationships on television. Just to repeat: Willow Rosenberg is the Jewish, lesbian wiccan from Buffy the Vampire Slayer the TV show. G-d bless Joss Whedon. Really.","Jew","Sarah Michelle Gellar| Seth Green| Alyson Hannigan| Danny Strong| Michelle Trachtenberg"
733,"Tottenham Hotspur",9,1,4,4,"Here in the US, sports teams get scary, intimidating names like the San Francisco Giants, the Carolina Panthers, and ummmm, the Utah Jazz? OK, so sometimes they're not all that explicable. Then again, even the most bizarre don't match up to some of the team names that exist outside these United States. For instance, Tottenham Hotspur, which is named for| no joke — a Shakespeare character. Go figure. And while that certainly seems silly to us, we wouldn't spend too much time on it except for the fact that the team has another nickname, one used informally by its fans and opponents — The Yids. Yes, really. Though the stories differ as to why, apparently Spurs (as their fans call them) has always had a large Jewish following and in a response to the antisemitism common in English soccer, they decided to fight back by adopting the ugly slur as their own. Spurs fans, therefore, call themselves Yids, Jewish or no. Spurs players are considered honorary Jews. The visiting crowds make Holocaust jokes about beating the team. Oh yes, they do. Yeah, see, suddenly this stopped being fun. We're all for convention bending as a way of rooting out bigotry, but (in the words of George Carlin) you really can go too fucking far. And clearly that's what's happened here. It's a cute custom and it makes about as much sense as naming your team after a Shakespeare character so it works in that sense, we guess. But unlike leprechauns or Mormon Jazz players, Jews are real people with real feelings. And if that makes us bad mascots, we'll just have to live with that.","Borderline Jew","Ajax Amsterdam| Edgar Davids| Ronny Rosenthal| William Shakespeare| DeAndre Yedlin"
734,"Joy Behar",7,1,4,2,"Our guest writer today is Archibald P. Thomas, born in Andover, Massachusetts in 1662, and subsequently lost in time. To make it easier on our readers, we've cleaned up some of the archaic language. My dearest Prudence, I hope this letter finds you well. The 21st century is beyond perplexing. Everyone has straight white teeth and no one wears hats. The streets are awash with harlots. Some of their frocks are so short that one can see their bare knees. Others walk around wearing pantaloons and cut their hair like a man's. It's a troubling world, dearest Prudence. I've tried to figure out what makes these women so. Witchcraft, you say? You are so right, dearest Prudence! For every morning at 11 o'clock the women of the 21st century sit under a spell of a coven of evil, hideous witches. There is a gruesome old witch who talks with a lisp. An African one straight out of stories you used to scare our young Thomas. A young one who seems charming at first, but I know better, my dearest Prudence! Her witchcraft has no hold over me! I see behind the buoyant exterior and into her macabre soul! But the most frightening of all, dearest Prudence, is the red-haired witch. She is so ugly that one look at her repulsive face sends shivers down my spine. At first, I thought she was an Israelite, for no Christian woman could be so unsightly! Yet it appears not to be so. It's a peculiar, peculiar world, dearest Prudence. I have to conclude here. Make sure to feed the goats. Your Lord And Master, Archibald P. Thomas The Year Of Our Lord 2010","Not a Jew","Katie Couric| Whoopi Goldberg| Larry King| Rosie O'Donnell| Barbara Walters"
735,"Esti Ginzburg",13,5,4,4,"Take horseradish. It's a staple of Jewish cuisine. Most Jews like horseradish. But do they love horseradish? Doubtful. Sure, it does some things quite well, like complement herring. But would you ever eat the whole bottle? And would you put it on, oh, we don't know... baklava? So... what about loving Israel? How is that for a transition? Take Israeli supermodels Bar Refaeli and Esti Ginzburg. There's quite a war of words going on between the two. Bar used a sham marriage to get out from serving in the Israeli Army. ""Israel or Uganda, what difference does it make?"", she says. Esti, on the other hand, swaps wearing bikinis and army fatigues. The lovely Miss Ginzburg has criticized her rival's choices. ""In order to contribute and help, in order to be part of the State,"" she says, ""enlisting is a duty, not a choice"". So who is right? Who is wrong? And, more importantly, does Esti loving Israel make her a ""better"" Jew? No, just like with horseradish, it doesn't. But it does get her a higher Jew Score.","Jew","Gal Gadot| Shira Haas| Rina Messinger| Chava Mond| Bar Refaeli"
736,"Benjamin Agosto",9,3,2,4,"The Winter Olympics are upon us! So, just like we did for the Summer Games two years ago, get ready for a week full of Olympic Jews to be profiled! And here we go!... Winter Olympic Jews, Winter Olympic Jews... Let's see... Hmmm. Oh boy. Do Jews play ANY of these sports? Biathlon? Nothing with guns, thank you. Skeleton? Freestyle skiing? Curling? Nordic combined... what the hell is combined? Oh, it's cross country skiing with ski jumping. Terrific. Just another weekend outing in the Katz household. NOT. Ah, here we go. Figure skating. Gotta have some nice Jewish children who got pushed by parents into figure skating. But we already profiled Sasha Cohen, and... hmmmm... well... Oh come on! Winter Olympic Jews??? Here, got one. Ice dancer Benjamin Agosto, half Jewish. That's ice DANCER. Ballet on ice. Yes, they actually give medals for this. He and his beautiful-but-not-Jewish partner, Tanith Belbin, got a silver in Turin for years ago and are favored to medal again in Vancouver. Hmmmm. On second thought, we might have to scrap Winter Olympics Week. Let's call it Winter Olympics Day and leave it at that.","Borderline Jew","Sasha Cohen| Sarah Hughes| Irving Jaffee| Mikaela Shiffrin| Charlie White"
737,"Joseph Gordon-Levitt",11,4,3,4,"According to Joseph Gordon-Levitt, when he prepares for a role, he often takes on aspects of his character in real life. So for ""The Lookout"", where he played a janitor who plans a heist, he took on custodial work at a local bank... And for his most recent role, as Cobra Commander in ""G.I. Joe"", he integrated himself into a militant organization, slowly rising to the top to obtain the rank of... Or for ""Mysterious Skin"", where he played a gay prostitute, he... Come to think of it, his role on ""3rd Rock from the Sun"" as a Jewish alien wasn't that much of a stretch.","Jew","ALF| Zooey Deschanel| Travis Kalanick| Demi Moore| Seth Rogen"
738,"Saint Paul",5,5,0,0,"Hey goyim! We're gonna let you in on a little secret. We don't hate Jesus Christ as much as you think we do. It's not like the two millennia of Christian-led antisemitism are his fault. He lived, he tried, he died. It's his followers who fucked things up. You know who we REALLY hate? One of those followers, Saul of Tarsus, known to you as Saint Paul. The world's first antisemite. So what did Paul do? Well, he basically started antisemitism as we know it today: the organized hatred of Judaism as a religion and Jews as people. We'll let famed philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche speak: ""[Paul was] the genius in hatred, in the standpoint of hatred, and in the relentless logic of hatred."" But here's the thing: Paul wasn't just the world's first antisemite. He also might have been the world's first Jew for Jesus. For not only was he born a Jew, some scholars believe that he never left the religion, and just changed sects (makes sense, because at the time, Christianity was just a sect of Judaism). That being said, we really can't relent on the hate. The world's first antisemite, the world's first Jew for Jesus, the world's first self-loathing Jew, it's rather irrelevant. Rot in hell, Saint Paul. Yes, you heard us right, goyim. Rot in hell, Saint Paul. Rot. In. Hell.","Barely a Jew","Barnabas| Jesus Christ| Judas Iscariot| Moishe Rosen| Saint Peter"
739,"Gene Wilder",15,5,5,5,"There is a small number of couples who have both won Olympic gold medals: Figure skates Carol Heiss and Hayes Jenkins are one example. More recently, Korean archers Park Sung-Hyun and Park Kyung-Mo married after both took home gold. Only a few couples have both won Oscars, including Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward and Laurence Olivier and Vivien Leigh. There are only two couples that both have World Series of Poker bracelets: Max and Maria Stern and Harry and Jeri Thomas. At least four couples both have a Pulitzer Prize. Five couples have been awarded the Nobel Prize (if you can name the others besides the Curies, well, maybe you need to get out more). The number of couples to score a perfect 15 on Jew or Not Jew? Just one: Gilda Radner and, as of today, Gene Wilder. It's an odd privilege, we suppose, but it's also a unique one| the least we can do for such an odd, uniquely talented man.","Jew","Mel Brooks| Marty Feldman| Madeline Kahn| Paul Newman| Gilda Radner"
740,"Torah Bright",6,0,3,3,"TORAH! TORAH! TORAH! We haven't heard screams like that since young Jerry Katzenberg from our Sunday school class got overly excited for his bar mitzvah aliyah. TORAH! TORAH! TORAH! That's Torah Bright, Australia's snowboarding sensation, flying to an Olympic gold medal. TORAH! TORAH! TOR... Ah? No... not Jewish. Not even with that name. Devout Mormon. No alcohol, smoking, or even drinking tea or coffee. And no sex before marriage, of course. So much for getting us so excited.","Not a Jew","Arielle Gold| Taylor Gold| Shalom Harlow| Sage Kotsenburg| Mikaela Shiffrin"
741,"Jake Gyllenhaal",11,3,4,4,"Back in the late 80s, a groundbreaking computer game was made. It was called ""Prince of Persia"", and it was the first game to feature fluid, lifelike player movement. The titular character had to run through a palace, jump on ledges, kill guards, and| of course — save the princess. Oh, and it was G-d-damn impossible to beat. Years passed, sequels were made, some good, some not. And then, some Hollywood executive decided that the game needed to be made into a blockbuster movie. A long search was made to find the perfect prince. Finally, they settled on... Jake Gyllenhaal! Let's think of that for a moment. Starring as the Prince of PERSIA... Jake Gyllenhaal! Jew! Yeah, we don't see this particular movie working out...","Jew","Gemma Arterton| Maggie Gyllenhaal| Heath Ledger| Emmy Rossum| Taylor Swift"
742,"John Mayer",8,3,2,3,".t {font:'Lucida Grande',sans-serif;color:#333333;} .h {font-size:24pt;color:#000000;} .a {font-size:17pt;} .b {font-size:8pt;color:#999999;border-color:#eeeeee;border-bottom-style:solid;border-bottom-width:1px;} .c {font-size:11pt;} .l {color:#9d582e;} jewornotjewFinally signed up for twitter... We welcome all intelligent comments!about 12 hours ago from webThanks for letting us know! @MayerRocks John Mayer tweeted that he's half Jewish!!!about 10 hours ago from webWe agree. But they don't necessarily make exciting profiles. @cosmos10 Your site needs more Jewish scientists: Teller, von Neumann, etc.about 9 hours ago from webHe's already profiled. Just use the search button on our website. @jon416 U should profile Eugene Levyabout 6 hours ago from webFor a good reason. @NORDBERG32 OJ SIMPSON IS NOT ON YOUR LISTabout 6 hours ago from webHe is. But we already profiled him. Please use the search button. @jon416 is Jack Black Jewish?about 4 hours ago from webYou're kidding, right? @SAlbright Meg Ryan appears Jewish but gets no credit for being so.about 4 hours ago from webHe was not Jewish. PERIOD. It's a common misconception. @FakeCanuck Charlie Chaplin IS JEWISH. PERIOD. END OF STORY.about 3 hours ago from webSTFW = search the f@#$ing website @jon416 Jason Schwartzman sounds Jewishabout 3 hours ago from webWe don't hate him. We find him hilarious. @PaSsIoN8 y do u h8 Mel Gibson?????about 3 hours ago from webAnd he also released a Xmas album. @DylanFan Bob Dylan went back to Judaism, take a look: https://bit.ly/2PWvFGuabout 3 hours ago from webSigh. @drunkcommie are jews terriball monsters ?about 2 hours ago from webSTFW @jon416 Goldie Hawn?about 1 hour ago from webToo bad it's spelled ""Barack"". @k_rove BARAK OBAMA IS A JEWISH NAMEabout 1 hour ago from webNO. @redmondian is bill gates jewish26 minutes ago from webNO! @redmondian im sure hes jewish25 minutes ago from webSTFW!!!! @jon416 U shood profile Whoopi Goldberg11 minutes ago from webThis account is closed.10 minutes ago from web","Borderline Jew","Jennifer Aniston| Whoopi Goldberg| Adam Levine| Harry Styles| Taylor Swift"
743,"Irina Slutskaya",9,3,2,4,"There's a lot of confusion about Russian figure skater, two-time World Champion, two-time Olympic medalist Irina Slutskaya. No, not whether she's Jewish. She is half; her grandmother lives in Israel and Irina was a recent inductee to the International Jewish Sports Hall of Fame. The confusion is about the pronunciation of her last name. An English speaker sees those first four letters and can't help but smirk. Well, that English speaker would be wrong to do so. Irina's last name is pronounced ""SLOOTS-kaya"". Stupid transliteration. It's too bad that foreigners have to be such wet blankets. If they could pronounce their names like everyone else, things would be so much more humorous.","Borderline Jew","Oksana Baiul| Sarah Hughes| Lily Kronberger| Yulia Lipnitskaya| Irina Rodnina"
744,"Chris Pine",6,2,1,3,"Some of us here at JONJ used to be really big Star Trek fans. Why 'used to be'? It wasn't because the shows got progressively worse or that the movies became unwatchable (though they were). It wasn't because we preferred the bright colors and fully haired captains of the 60s to the bald and the drab of today (well, the 1990s anyway). No, it was something that occurred rather suddenly really, mostly due to two factors. 1. A remarkably creepy freshman year roommate. 2. The lack of Jews. The roommate requires more explanation than we're willing to give. And we admit the Jews thing seems a little random. But you see, in the original series there were dynamic, exciting, top of the line Jews| Nimoy and Shatner (aka, Kirk and Spock for those of you who were too busy getting laid in high school to enjoy high quality science fiction television). And that made us feel comfortable in our own, nerdy Jewish-ness. We didn't have to be dorks all our lives — we could be grand heroes full of vim and vigor and all the necessary je ne se quois to save the universe and get the girl. And then there were none. Fitting then, perhaps, that the first time we liked a new Star Trek adventure was the recent film, which happened to up the Jew Quotient (JQ?) quite a bit. Chekhov is played by the previously profiled Anton Yelchin. Winona Ryder cameos as Spock's mother. And wouldn't you know it, the new Captain Kirk himself, Chris Pine, is of Jewish descent (on his mother's side). It's almost enough to get us all giddy about Star Trek again. Y'know, barring any encounters with bizarre, tighty-whitey-and-nothing-else wearing, Klingon speaking roommates.","Barely a Jew","J. J. Abrams| Leonard Nimoy| Winona Ryder| William Shatner| Anton Yelchin"
745,"Steve Jobs",6,0,2,4,"Steve Jobs, Apple co-founder and CEO, is not Jewish. He doesn't practice Judaism. He doesn't self-identify as Jewish. His parents are not Jewish. End of story. Or is it? For Paul and Clara Jobs are not Steve's biological parents; his birth parents are Abdulfattah John Jandali and Joanne Carole Schieble, who just happens to be... No, not Jewish either. German/Swiss Catholic. Jandali, a Syrian Muslim, and Schieble gave up Steve for adoption when he was born out of wedlock, but later married| in a church, and became the parents of Mona Jindali, later known as novelist Mona Simpson (after who, interestingly, Homer Simpson's mother is named)... Where were we? Yes, Steve Jobs. Not Jewish. End of story.","Sadly, Not a Jew","Jeff Bezos| Sergey Brin and Larry Page| Larry Ellison| Bill Gates| Ashton Kutcher"
746,"Alan Dershowitz",12,5,5,2,"Dear Jewish parents, We have a small request for you. Please stop. Please stop telling your children to become lawyers. Oh, we understand that not everyone will listen to their parents. We understand that odds are, your children will ignore your pleas and become lumberjacks, game show hosts, or| G-d forbid — artists. But some of them will listen. Some of them will become lawyers. We understand that lawyers make lots of money. We get it. But there are other jobs that do well. What about doctors, dear parents? That's an all-time Jewish favorite! And doctors HELP people, not suck them dry. We can never have enough doctors. Or maybe, just maybe, you can just let their children pick their path in life. Oh, it's hard to comprehend, but you don't have to pressure them! Let them be lumberjacks, game show hosts, or — G-d forbid — artists. Honestly, dear parents, aren't there enough lawyers already?","Jew","Gloria Allred| Marcia Clark| Michael Cohen| Drew Rosenhaus| Robert Shapiro"
747,"Jeff and Stan Van Gundy",4,0,1,3,"Sometimes, our work is done for us. You see, last year, we got a few requests to profile NBA coaches Stan and Jeff Van Gundy. To us, it was pretty clear that the brothers were not Jewish (the majority of their pre-NBA life spans various Catholic and Jesuit institutions), but there were enough requests to warrant a profile (even if two had to share one). But let's just say that it wasn't a priority. Sure, we could reminisce about the lasting NBA moment of the 90s, Jeff hanging on to Alonzo Mourning's leg, or point out how Stan looks like Ron Jeremy, or... well, it wasn't a priority. And then, Stan's Magic played on Christmas. And lost. And Stan complained that by having to work on Christmas, he didn't have a chance to spend the holiday with his family. And trust us, no Jew would ever complain about working on Christmas, especially if one's multi-million-dollar contract called one to do so. So no one out there ever wondered again if the Van Gundys were Jewish. So why did we even bother with this profile? function loadPic(x) { t = 'jeff'; if (x == 1) t = 'stan'; setImage(t+'_van_gundy'); }","Not a Jew","Rick Adelman| Larry Brown| Lawrence Frank| Red Holzman| Ron Jeremy"
748,"Leopold and Loeb",6,4,2,0,"What is the most popular category on JONJ? We always thought it would be Actresses and Models or Fictional Characters. Both make a ton of sense, honestly. But having demoed the site for quite a few people over the years, everyone always clicks on one category first: Sociopaths. And yeah, we can see it. After all, sociopath is really a fun intellectual concept. More than criminals or the insane, sociopaths encompasses a whole range of whack jobs and psychos. Nothing beats that. What about Leopold and Loeb? Holiest of holies do they fit the bill. Back in the 1920s, Nathan Leopold and Richard Loeb were two out-and-out geniuses living in the oh-so-Jewish Chicago suburb of Kenwood. Both were Jews. And both were obsessed with the idea of the Nietzschean Superman (the philosophical concept, not the superhero. Remember, they were nuts, not nerds) and decided to prove their own supremacy by committing the perfect crime: in this case, murdering a third Jewish young man who was a neighbor of theirs. However, their ""perfect crime"" was a perfect mess. They were caught, confessed, and plead guilty in what may very well have been the first ever ""Crime of the Century."" Their exploits later inspired multiple books, movies and TV shows, and their actions have reverberated even to this day. Y'know, when we started this site looking for famous Jews, whackadoos like these two weren't what we had in mind. Still, what the public wants, the public gets. Jews? Check. Sociopaths? Check. Ratings gold? We'll just have to wait and see.","Sadly, a Jew","David Berkowitz| Robert Durst| Jack the Ripper| Fred Neulander| Jack Ruby"
749,"Jenna Fischer",5,0,1,4,"We used to love ""The Office"". We once wrote a whole profile arguing the merits of Pam vs Karen. We even went out of our way to profile the marginal Toby. And why did we love ""The Office""? Well, because it reminded us of our job. Because Michael was every stupid, arrogant buffoon boss we've ever had. Because Jim, stuck in a job he hated, pining for the girl he couldn't have, reminded us of ourselves. Because we laughed and cringed. And yes, because of Pam (and Karen. Can't forget Karen). But now? Now, ""The Office"" is different. Michael might still be a stupid and arrogant buffoon, but he is now likable. Yes, he still has his cringe moments, but they all seem repeats of events past. In fact, we now root for him over Jim, who, once he got what he wanted, is sliding further and further on that slippery slope to unlikability. And Pam (Karen is long gone)? Pam, who started off as Jim's (and our) muse, is now just plain annoying. And we're not saying a show and its characters shouldn't change during its run. G-d knows, if it stayed static through all these years, we'd probably complain about that. But we miss the old Office. We miss the complete idiocy of Michael. We miss the unresolved sexual tension between Jim and Pam. Yet we still watch, marriage, baby and all. Of course, you're not here to read about our thoughts about sitcoms, but rather to find out if Jenna Fischer, the actress who plays Pam, is Jewish. She is not.","Not a Jew","Steve Carell| Toby Flenderson| Rashida Jones| John Krasinski| B. J. Novak"
750,"Soleil Moon Frye",8,3,2,3,"Legacies are a funny thing. All of us are going to die eventually. And barring the worlds of science fiction and extreme religious belief, no one is immortal. No, not even you. Sorry. The good news is, we have routes to a kind of immortality in the things we leave behind. Leonardo da Vinci has been worm food for quite a while, yet the work he left behind has kept him alive for centuries. Therefore, much of what every human does is about finding something to be known and, eventually, remembered for. Soleil Moon Frye (half Jewish by birth, dabbled in Scientology, but now back to Judaism) will be remembered for two things (well, three if you count questionable naming, but we will stick with two): for starring in the short lived, tweenage girl craze Punky Brewster and| unfortunately there's no way we can put this tactfully — having large breasts. While Punky was all neat-o awesome back in the 80s it's doubtful there are many formerly young girls clutching desperately to their rainbow pigtails in the forlorn hope of a comeback. And frankly, those that are, well... you wouldn't want to meet them. And unless Soleil wants to be remembered for the size of her chest, (and even if she did, it's too late for that — she had reduction surgery over a decade ago) that's pretty much what she's left with. She could cure world hunger and her obit will still begin and end with ""Punky Brewster."" So what's worse — remembered for something embarrassing or not remembered at all? Like we said. Legacies are a funny thing. function loadPic(x) { v = 'frye'+x; if (x == 0) v = 's/soleil_moon_frye'; setImage(v); }","Jew","Mayim Bialik| Leonardo da Vinci| Jennifer Grey| Noah Hathaway| Chesty Morgan"
751,"Liev Schreiber",11,3,4,4,"You think you had a messed up childhood? Liev Schreiber's reads like something out of Dickens. When he was one, his WASP father and Jewish mother ran away to a sex commune. Soon the two split, and the father hired detectives to track Liev, ending up in kidnapping him. Wait, there's more. After the obvious divorce, Liev and his mother lived in New York City. In dilapidated buildings, in apartments with no hot water, electricity, or beds. The mother supported them by driving a taxi and making puppets. It keeps going. When Liev was 12, they moved to a Hindu commune (yes, another commune, but probably with less sex) and he was forced by his mother to take a Hindu name. And that's not even the worst part. His primary education ended in Friends Seminary, a Quaker school. (The horror!) And through all of that, Liev stayed Jewish. Bravo, Mr. Schreiber. Bravo.","Jew","Tuvia Bielski| Neve Campbell| Jonathan Safran Foer| David Mamet| Amanda Peet"
752,"Donald Trump",1,0,1,0,"Donald Trump is clearly not Jewish, so let's turn this profile over to our friends at BaldOrNotBald.com... Donald Trump might be a detestable scumbag, a treacherous nincompoop, a fascist hate-monger, a jiggling tub of orange marmalade... we're not here to debate any of that. We're here to debate one and one thing: is Donald Trump bald? To the naked eye, he does not seem to be. After all, that head is covered by a thick layer of what appears to be hair. ""Appears"" is the key word here. Let a gust of wind blow, and that supposed hair shows what is hidden underneath: a ginormous bald spot that would make Gorbachev proud. And yet, he goes to great lengths to cover it up with a weave as fraudulent as the man himself. (But we digress...) Sigh. If only his lies were limited to his baldness. function flip() { rating.innerHTML = '5'; rat1.innerHTML = '4'; rat2.innerHTML = '1'; rat3.innerHTML = '0'; ratTitle.innerHTML = 'Bald Score:'; banner.src = 'img/other/bald/bald-title.gif'; ratPic1.src = 'img/other/bald/bald-4.jpg'; ratPic2.src = 'img/other/bald/bald-1.jpg'; ratPic3.src = 'img/other/bald/bald-0.jpg'; setVerdict('Sadly, Bald'); a = document.getElementsByTagName(""a""); for (i=0;i<a.length;i++) { a[i].style.color = '#b29e73'; } b = document.getElementsByClassName(""border""); for (i=0;i<b.length;i++) { b[i].style.backgroundColor = '#f2deb3'; } }","Not a Jew","Michael Cohen| Jared Kushner| Stephen Miller| Vladimir Putin| Ivanka Trump"
753,"Vladimir Vysotsky",10,3,2,5,"Allow us, dear reader, to take a detour from our usual dose of actresses, athletes, and obscure fictional characters to talk about a man unfamiliar to most on this side of the Atlantic. Vladimir Vysotsky has been called the Russian Bob Dylan; on the surface, the comparison makes sense. Both rose to notoriety in the 60s, both wrote their own music and lyrics, both played the guitar, both brought on social change with their work. But while Dylan was topping the charts, Vysotsky was relegated to playing underground concerts. And while Dylan's drug usage was supposedly curbed, Vysotsky killed himself with alcohol and cocaine, expiring at the age of 42. Much like Dylan, Vysotsky was Jewish| in this case, half. He was named after his grandfather, who changed his very-Jewish-at-the-time name Volf to the oh-so-Russian Vladimir. Vysotsky himself had mentioned those Jewish roots, but, much like most of his work, it was swept under the rug by the censoring Soviets. And with all due respect to Dylan, the impact Vysotsky had on his nation dwarfs the one Dylan had on his. He was the voice of a country that did not have a voice; a unique talent and mesmerizing presence that still resonates, three decades after his death, with the generations that followed. Well, we hope you learned something today, dear readers. We'll now return to our regularly scheduled program soon enough.","Borderline Jew","Yuz Aleshkovsky| Joseph Brodsky| Bob Dylan| Veniamin Kaverin| Andrei Mironov"
754,"Kronk Pepikrankenitz",8,4,2,2,"Parents of America! We have to warn you. There is a monster consuming your children, and its name is Disney. Say you purchase your children a DVD of a Disney classic, such as ""Aladdin"" or ""The Lion King"". Terrific movies, good songs, solid plot, Robin Williams or Matthew Broderick... The whole family will enjoy. Yes, even with Robin Williams involved. But as much as you yourself will enjoy the movies, your children will enjoy them MORE. So much more that you'll end up playing these same DVDs over and over again. Until one day, when Williams' or Broderick's voice gets tattooed on your brain, and you shell out the money to buy the straight-to-video sequel. And your children might be happy to see their characters again. But you won't be. Everything will be worse. The quality of the animation, the songs, the lead actors, especially the plot. Hell, you might even miss Robin Williams. Disney doesn't do it with just the classics, but also with also-rans like ""The Emperor's New Groove"". But there is one possibly redeeming thing about that sequel. In it, Kronk, the sidekick to Emperor Kuzco in the original, reveals that he is Jewish. Now, we realize that Disney will never have a Jewish princess. We realize that a Disney Jewish hero is too much to ask. We realize that Disney is trying to throw us a bone here, like they did with Timon of ""The Lion King"". But... Kronk? Kronk Pepikrankenitz? That's Pepikrankenitz, an Incan warrior? A Jewish Incan warrior? How is that even possible? OK, here's one way: if you subscribe to Thor Heyerdahl's theories on migration of nations, it's possible that Jews sailed across the Atlantic centuries ago, and then cross-bred with the Incas. But then, wouldn't we see more manifestations of Judaism in the Inca cultures other than in Kronk, who| get this — is shown marrying his sweetheart in a Jewish ceremony, glass-stepping and all? Seems unnecessary, if you ask us. But so are all Disney sequels.","Jew","Matthew Broderick| The Genie| Mother Gothel| Timon| Robin Williams"
755,"Saul Bellow",14,5,5,4,"We realized that we will never meet Saul Bellow's production. No, not winning the Nobel Prize, although we realize that's not happening either. Besides, have you read the works of some of the recent Nobel Prize laureates? We're not gonna name any names here, but talk about laying it on thick. Putting on layers upon layers of subtext might win you some accolades, but it does not necessarily make you readable. (Bellow, on the other hand (winner in 1976), IS very readable despite his layers of subtext.) Where were we? Oh yes, us never matching Saul Bellow's production. He fathered a child at the age of 84. Yeah... that's not happening.","Jew","E. L. Doctorow| Bernard Malamud| Chaim Potok| Philip Roth| Leon Uris"
756,"Corey Haim",9,4,4,1,"We have a running joke here at JONJ. Nothing particularly clever mind you, just something we do to make ourselves laugh on slow days: we like to mention the Corey Haim profile which, of course, doesn't exist. It was going to be the never-ending project. We'd be at profile 1800 making jokes about being two paragraphs away from finishing Corey Haim. Finally. But it's not to be. As of yesterday, Corey Haim is dead, having spent only 38 years of his allotted life span. And so we must now tell our joke to stop running and sit on the curb. Because it simply isn't that funny anymore, is it? Perhaps someone else will wax eloquent about the lost talent that was Corey Haim. That won't be us. Remember, zero minus zero is still zero. But that doesn't mean we wanted him dead. Just, y'know, out of our movies and televisions. Preferably settling down with a nice Jewish girl, having lots of Jewish babies and spending his free time with his heterosexual life partner: the previously profiled Corey Feldman. Far far away from anywhere we might see him. FAR far away. Like Jupiter. Instead now we're stuck doing yet another celebrity death profile. Frankly we're getting sick of writing them. Possibly Jewish former teen stars: STOP TAKING DRUGS. Seriously. STOP. We have better things to do than write eulogies for you. Like coming up with a new running joke about who we ought to profile but never will. Yeah, somehow Chaim Potok just isn't as funny.","Jew","ALF| Jonathan Brandis| Corey Feldman| Michael Jackson| Brittany Murphy"
757,"Jay Gatsby",7,1,1,5,"Regular visitors to our website know of our lament for the lack of memorable Jewish characters in literature. No, the goy authors stay away from Jews. Oh, you might see one, but never as the protagonist. Unless, of course, you subscribe to the theory that Jay Gatsby is Jewish. That's right, the titular character of ""The Great Gatsby"", only one of the greatest novels ever written. Jewish? How? Well, there are hints. The name change, from Gatz. His difficulties integrating into WASP society. His friendship with Jewish organized crime. Well, we don't buy it. The connections to Jewish organized crime are not exclusive to Jews alone; in fact, Wolfsheim recruits Gatsby to get into WASP society. Jay's real last name, Gatz, is German, not Jewish. And the awkwardness adapting to WASPs is explained by his origins in North Dakota... That's right, Jay Gatsby is from North Dakota. Seriously, if F. Scott Fitzgerald wanted to make him a midwestern closet Jew, wouldn't he have picked Illinois? Or Wisconsin? Or anything but the least Jewish state possible?","Sadly, Not a Jew","Saul Bellow| Rick Blaine| Leopold Bloom| Humbert Humbert| Philip Roth"
758,"Ignatius Trebitsch-Lincoln",5,4,1,0,"They don't make people like Ignatius Timothy Trebitsch-Lincoln anymore. Born Ignacz Trebitsch to an Orthodox Jewish family in Hungary, as a teenager he went to the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts, got in trouble for theft, and fled to England. There, he met some missionaries, got baptized, and started studying for a life in priesthood. You think you know where this is headed? Think again. Missionary work took young Ignatius to Canada, only for him to return to England over a salary dispute. There, he befriended the Archbishop of Canterbury, became a secretary of a chocolate magnate, and got elected into Parliament. So what's next? Tea and chocolate crumpets with the king? Not even close. Broke, Trebitsch couldn't stand for re-election, and went to Romania, trying to make money in oil. World War I broke out, so he offered his services to England as a spy. The English rejected him; the Germans didn't. The English caught on, captured Ignatius, and sent him to prison for three years. Does a life of remorse and rehabilitation follow? You don't know Trebitsch-Lincoln. Deported, now in Germany, Igantius made friends with right-wing radicals, including a young Adolf Hitler. After a failed putsch, he was charged with high treason, and deported once again. By now, you get the picture... Igantius ended up in China, serving under three warlords. Then, he converted once again, this time to Buddhism, becoming a monk under the name of Chao Kung. He got his own monastery. He seduced nuns. That last part doesn't seem surprising, all things considering. And yes, there is more. Off to Japan Trebitsch went, producing anti-British propaganda. After World War II started, he contacted his good old friends the Nazis, and offered his help in rising up the Buddhists of Asia on their behalf. Himmler was on board, Hess was on board, and then... Igantius died in 1943. No, they don't make people like Ignatius Timothy Trebitsch-Lincoln anymore. And that's a good thing.","Barely a Jew","Yakov Blumkin| Morris ""Two-Gun"" Cohen| Arnold Deutsch| Jakob Rosenfeld| Boris Skossyreff"
759,"Ron Mix",12,5,3,4,"What was the profession of Ron Mix, the man known as the ""Intellectual Assassin""? Was he an erudite Talmudic scholar, who doubled as an underground boxing champion? Was he a brilliant surgeon, who became a lethal fighter pilot during the war? Was he a secret agent, who took out heads of state by day, and by night, filled up steamy boudoirs not only with ecstasy-filled screams of fallen damsels, but also with readings from Kant and Nietzsche? Oh! The real Ron Mix had a Juris Doctor degree while playing for the San Diego Chargers in the 1960s, on the way to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1979. Well, that makes sense too.","Jew","Antonio Garay| Sid Gillman| Marshall Goldberg| Sid Luckman| Igor Olshansky"
760,"Bill Gates",4,0,0,4,"Fine, readers. FINE. Enough already. We will profile Bill Gates. And here are some of the reasons we should profile him, according to you, our readers: ""I've read somewhere that he is jewish"" ""he's rich"" ""wealthiest person in the world"" ""I thought he was a jew, it is somewhat a general belief"" ""His mother is a jew"" ""He is my idol"" ""VERY RICH!"" ""He's Jewish, duh"" Well, duh, indeed. Other than the reader who wants us to profile his idol... really? REALLY? Oh, come on, dear readers! So let's see. One prevailing theory is RICH = JEWISH. Oh, how we wish it to be true! Sadly, that is not always the case. Yes, dear readers, there are some MANY rich people who are NOT Jewish. That might sound hard to believe, but it's true. For Bill Gates is NOT Jewish. His lineage is a mix of English, German, and Scotch-Irish, with no discernible Jewishness anywhere on the family tree, going back to the 1700s. He's William Henry Gates III, for crying out loud, named after his father, grandfather, and great-grandfather! His mother is a pure WASP! His sister's name is Kristi! He... Oh, enough already. He is not a Jew! There you have it, readers. You got your wish. Now please stop asking us to profile Barack Obama.","Not a Jew","Paul Allen| Steve Ballmer| Jeff Bezos| Warren Buffett| Steve Jobs"
761,"Harold Pinter",12,5,3,4,"Can you name all Jewish laureates of the Nobel Prize in Literature? ...1910Germany...1927France...1958USSR...1966Israel...1966Sweden...1976USA...1978USA...1981UK...1987USA...1991S. Africa...2002Hungary...2004Austria...2005UK...2014France...2016USA...2020USAanswer = new Array; answer2 = new Array(""von Heyse"", ""Henri-Louis Bergson"", """", ""Shai Agnon"", """", ""Solomon Bello"", """", """", ""Iosif Brodsky"", """", ""Kertesz Imre"", """", """", """", """", """"); done = new Array(answer.length); correct = 0; d1 = document.tf.a1; d1.value = ''; d1.disabled = false; tot = answer.length; function check(s) { v = s.toLowerCase().trim(); if (v == """") return; for (i=0;i<tot;i++) { if (answer[i].toLowerCase() == v) return i; if (answer2[i].toLowerCase() == v) return i; aa = answer[i].split("" ""); if (aa[aa.length-1].toLowerCase() == v) return i; } return|1; } function go() { if (d1.disabled) return; a = d1.value; if (a == """") { alert(""Take a guess!""); return; } if (a.toLowerCase() == ""churchill"") { alert(""Impeach Churchill!""); return; } q = check(a); if (q == -1) { alert(""Try again!""); return; } d = eval('c'+q); if (d != null) d.innerHTML = answer[q]; if (!done[q]) correct++; done[q] = true; d1.value = ''; finish(false); } function show() { for (q=0;q<tot;q++) { d = eval('c'+q); if (d != null && !done[q]) d.innerHTML = '<i>'+answer[q]+'</i>'; } } function giveup() { if (d1.disabled) return; msg = 'Are you sure you want to give up?'; if (correct == 0) msg += ' One answer should be pretty obvious!'; else if (correct < 4) msg += ' There are answers on this page!'; ok = confirm(msg); if (ok) { show(); finish(true); } } function finish(force) { if (correct == tot || force) d1.disabled = true; if (correct == tot) d1.value = 'Congratulations!'; if (force) d1.value = 'Score: '+correct+'/'+tot; }","Jew","Saul Bellow| Paul Heyse| Elfriede Jelinek| Patrick Modiano| Nelly Sachs"
762,"Simon Cowell",7,3,2,2,"Welcome back to America's Best Klezmer! We now go back to the audition room where Rabbi Shmuel Horowitzsteinberger, Lenny Kravitz and Simon Cowell have just heard the band Better than Esau from Massapequa, New York. Now they will provide their judgments and let the band know if they'll be traveling to Tel Aviv for the big finale. Let's go straight to the action! Rabbi Shmuel: I think you sounded not so bad, but I'm concerned about your performance in relation to the teachings of Maimonides... 15 minutes pass... slowly Rabbi Shmuel:... so I can't send you to Tel Aviv. But will I see you at oneg next shabbas? Kravitz: Dude, man. I mean like... dude, man. Dude? Man! Cowell: That performance made me feel like you baked my paternal grandmother's kasha varnishkas recipe using my soul. It was like being hit in the kishkes with a stale piece of challah bread, wrapped in three-day old brisket. I have heard bar mitzvah boys going through puberty sing more in key. Your fiddle sounded like scraping a lulav over a broken graggor. You played the flute like a vildechaya with shpilkas. I would sooner listen to my Tanta Feygele complain about her hemorrhoids for two hours while eating jarred gefilte fish than listen to you for another second. No... Just no... OK! When we come back, more exciting performances on... America's Best Klezmer!","Barely a Jew","Paula Abdul| David Beckham| Mark Burnett| Adam Lambert| Judge Wapner"
763,"Mikhail Gorbachev",4,0,0,4,"As some of you know, there are antisemitic websites out there that list people who antisemites think are secretly Jewish. And yeah, they get some right, they're bound to, but then there are some eyebrow raisers. Like Kevin Costner. Because, you know, Jews run Hollywood, and Kevin Costner... Yeah, it's absurd. But American antisemites have nothing on their Russian counterparts. For there are Russian websites that not only list these secret Jews, but also give their real Jewish name and family history. And who is on that list? Everyone who was ever anything in Russia, including every leader since the czars. For instance, the now-departed drunkard Boris Yeltsin. The currently-beloved Vladimir Putin (Shalomov. Or Putzman. Yes, Putzman. We're not making this up. THEY are.) Even Mikhail Gorbachev, yes, even poor Gorby is on this list. His Jew name? Gaider. Perhaps his mysterious red spot is the unwashed blood of Christian babies. Sigh. But here's one thing, Russian antisemites. If EVERYONE in Russia is Jewish, how did YOU escape that curse?","Not a Jew","Yuri Andropov| Kevin Costner| Vladimir Lenin| Vladimir Pozner| Vladimir Putin"
764,"Jon Scheyer",10,3,4,3,"Jon Scheyer might lead Duke to the NCAA basketball championship. And, even if he is not drafted in the NBA, he might tear it up in the Israeli league, which will embrace his Judaism the moment his plane touches down. But Jon Scheyer will never top the Illinois state championship. And not just Scheyer| Jews. The entire starting lineup of the 2005 Glenbrook North High School was Jewish. Somehow, Scheyer and his sidekicks defeated all comers, leading Glenbrook to the state title. How exactly that was possible, we have no idea. This is basketball, not chess. Come to think of it, when Hollywood inevitable remakes ""Hoosiers"", as they do for all 80s classics (we cry for ""Karate Kid"". We plead for Hollywood to stay away from ""Back to the Future""), why not base it on the story of Glenbrook North? They'll have to change the title, of course. ""Jews"" has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? (Editor's update, 2021: Scheyer is taking over for Mike Krzyzewski as Duke's new head coach. Good luck!)","Jew","David Blatt| Tal Brody| Willie Cauley-Stein| Art Heyman| Amar'e Stoudemire"
765,"Alexander Hamilton",8,1,2,5,"Thanks to the great New Jersey public school system, we learned a lot about our nation's founding fathers. Take Alexander Hamilton. He was the first Secretary of Treasury, and he was killed in a duel, and... he's on the 10 dollar bill, and... Here's what they didn't teach us in school: Hamilton was born on the Caribbean island of Nevis. His goyishe mother left her husband, Johann Michal Lavien, shacked up with Scotsman James Hamilton (Not a Jew), and bore Alexander out of wedlock. So when it was time for young Alex to go to school, the Anglican church would have none of that. So what did his parents do? That's right, they enrolled Alex in a private Jewish school. (If you ever needed more proof that Jews were ALWAYS more tolerant than the goyim!) You can just picture young Alex, wearing a yarmulke and breeches (they wore breeches at the time, right?), dipping his quill into the inkwell, careful as to avoid an inkblot on that impossible letter shin... (They didn't teach pistol shooting at that school, that's for sure.) Sadly, Hamilton's immersion in Judaism did not go farther than his primary education. But if anything, it taught him tolerance. ""[The] progress of the Jews,"" he wrote, ""from their earliest history to the present time has been and is entirely out of the ordinary course of human affairs."" Why didn't they teach us THAT in school?","Sadly, Not a Jew","John Adams| Thomas Jefferson| Henry Morgenthau Jr.| Haym Salomon| Janet Yellen"
766,"Zachary Levi",6,0,4,2,"We've heard of Hollywood Jews changing their names to sound more gentile. Hell, it happens all the time. Kirk Douglas was born Issur Danielovitch. Winona Ryder is really a Horowitz. There are too many others to list. But for a Hollywood gentile to change his name to sound more Jewish? Well, that doesn't happen. Or so we thought. The star of ""Chuck"", Zachary Levi. Sounds Jewish, right? Wrong. Zachary was born Zachary Pugh. Levi is his middle name. So why would an actor Jewify his name? Is it possible that Zachary was drawn to Judaism? Fat chance. When posed the question, ""where do you get your talent?"", his answer is simple: ""Jesus Christ"". So why the change? Well, his agent told him that with the last name Pugh, he won't go far in Hollywood. We wonder if the agent was Jewish.","Not a Jew","Jason Biggs| Jon Cryer| Kirk Douglas| Tim Roth| Winona Ryder"
767,"Daniel Mendoza",12,4,3,5,"Boxing? You want to talk about boxing? Two feygeles in girly little gloves tanzing on a mat? This isn't boxing. In my day, we stood on cobbles in bare feet! And gloves? How do you call it a fight without the taste of blood on your knuckles? Gloves. Feh! In my day, we fought like shtarkers. Real men like Mendoza the Jew. You've never heard of Mendoza the Jew? Oy, you boytchiks think if you didn't see it on one of those meshuggenah Playboxes it never happened. Mendoza the Jew was five foot seven if he was an inch. 160 pounds if he was a stone. Your Uncle Mendel and I once saw him fight a giant for 52 rounds without breaking a sweat. A giant, I tell you, with arms like your bubbe's briskets, G-d rest her soul. Of course in my day, we called 50 rounds a furlong. A furlong and two rounds he went, we would have said. Mendoza the Jew was a real man, not like today with your fancy pants and your electric shoes! On the way to a match one day, Mendoza got into a fight when he was cut off by a cart. A fight when he didn't like the way someone was looking at him. A fight when a shopkeeper tried to cheat him. It was three pence for a dozen onions, the shopkeeper said! Three pence! In my day, you could get a dozen onions and a sack of potatoes for that much those lousy gonifs! Mendoza the Jew, you hear me! The father of modern boxing! Eh, what do you know from anything you lousy schmoigers.","Jew","Max Baer| Dutch Sam| Yuri Foreman| Vitali and Wladimir Klitschko| Benny Leonard"
768,"Donald Sterling",8,5,3,0,"Let's say you're enjoying another fine day in whatever nice burg you happen to live in when suddenly some ultra-pompous douchebag shows up and, after denigrating your race, family, country of origin etc, demands that you build him his own supermarket. And somehow, despite all reasonable and rational history to the contrary, your fancy little town decides WTF and makes it happen for him. Great. Hoorah. Now not only does this little prick have all of the profits at none of the cost, but he refuses to stock his store with fresh fruit so that it stinks like grandma's parlor room after she's squeezed a nice fresh turd into her Depends. Meanwhile he's still charging full price for the honor of whiffing the brown peaches and vomiting all over the stale cookie aisle. He pays his employees less than minimum wage, quietly bars entry to anyone who appears even vaguely Mexican and drives around in a Lamborghini Gallardo filled with more fake boobs and fake hair than the United Waitresses Union of the greater Las Vegas area. Oh, and it's the only supermarket in town so if you don't like it, then fuck-all you can either eat his rancid meat or starve to death, whichever you prefer so long as it doesn't interrupt his ""nappy-time"" from 1:15 to 6:30 ever Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Now sure this all sounds fairly ridiculous except for the fact that this is exactly what's been happening to Los Angeles for the past 25 years with the Clippers And, for those of you who require a vial of nitroglycerin and an oversized car battery to do what the rest of us call thinking| the money sucking, bigoted schmuck in this case is Clippers owner Donald Sterling. There's a reason we plow over the playground for your new stadium and put off our vacations to buy your tickets and ignore our families to watch your broadcasts: it's because sports team ownership is a public fucking trust. We pay for these things with the expectation that you'll spend the money on what we care about: fun teams with the occasional opportunity to win more than they lose. Not so you can buy the white fountain with the little boy-angel dancing in the water for the front yard because it looks so much better than the orchid garden in the fall while you screw another thousand black people out of decent housing. In fact, the only reason you haven't been run out of town with pitchforks and torches like a dumber, slower, prostitute-hiring Frankenstein is the protection you get from the so-called ""league commissioner"" who was hired under the pretense of being unbiased but actually runs the league as the owner's voicebox rewarding your fan-screwing, dirty dealing, money sodomizing ways while bitching out the players for such egregious and unforgivable behavior as wearing silly hats. Yes, perhaps it's a stupid thing to be angry about and it's probably why as we get older and older that we've started to care about sports less and less. Here's the thing — we like to convince ourselves we root for the good guys and when we find out our team is run by the sports equivalent of the bastard child of Jabba the Hutt and Attila the Hun we find it hard to keep thinking of ourselves as anything but immortal fuckwents who keep forking our money over in some vain attempt to convince ourselves that someday things will get better though decades of stupidity and greed have made it clear that Charles de Gaulle will rise from the dead, form his own religion and become President of the United Planets of Guam before someone actually grabs thugs like Donald Sterling by their dollar-lined diapers and tosses them into the sea like we do with every other bag of sewage that our society craps out. Oh yes, and Donald Sterling is Jewish. Woo-fucking-hoo.","Sadly, a Jew","Steve Ballmer| Dan Gilbert| Leona Helmsley| Jeffrey Loria| Howard Schultz"
769,"Raquel Zimmermann",5,0,2,3,"Let's say you meet a young woman named Rachel Zimmerman. Quick, close your eyes! Who do you picture? Rachel Zimmerman? Talk about Jewish! Brunette; neatly trimmed hair, perhaps in a pony tail. Glasses, definitely glasses. Conservative clothes| she's on her way to her job at a law office. Or perhaps a hospital. Now picture a young woman named Raquel Zimmermann. Raquel Zimmermann? Oh, she is still a Zimmerman, but now it just sounds so... exotic. The pony tail unravels, transforming the hair into a blond mane. Glasses drop to the floor. The clothes are swept away and replaced by... well, not by much. And Jewish? Not in this lifetime. Amazing what two little letters can do.","Not a Jew","Cindy Crawford| Riley Keough| Karlie Kloss| Chava Mond| Veronika Rajek"
770,"Morgan Pressel",10,4,2,4,"Watch out, goyim. The Jews are coming. Oh sure, you tried to keep us off your golf courses for years. And sure, most of us Jews were never really interested in picking up your ridiculous sport. But you know what? We like a challenge. How else do you explain the Jewish Morgan Pressel, who, at the age of 18, became the youngest woman ever to win a major tournament, taking the Kraft Nabisco Championship in 2007? And it won't end with Pressel, we assure you. Soon we'll conquer golf and then take over all your yuppie sports. We already have a gold medal in sailing. What's left? Polo? Saddle up!","Jew","Amy Alcott| Gal Fridman| Cristie Kerr| Spencer Levin| Corey Pavin"
771,"Rich Eisen",11,4,4,3,"There's the old campaign for BASF: ""We don't make the products you buy. We make them better."" And for some reason this makes us think of Jews in sports. Or y'know, the lack thereof. That's not exactly true, we know. After all, mission one of this website has always been to dispel the notion of the non-athletic Jew. But compared to the number of people reporting on sports? It's just... wow... that's a lot of Jews, huh? Apparently, once you get kicked off the high school team for only being 5'4"" it's de rigeur to go to journalism school. And we're cool with that. But it leads to some pretty strange situations. For instance, the ad for the NFL network where they show a bunch of former players looking all tough and knowledgeable with the Jewish Rich Eisen leading the pack. It's sort of like seeing the Justice League led by Bill Gates. Yeah, it sort of works, but no, not really. That's no knock on Eisen's ability. We've always enjoyed his work from his SportsCenter days on through. But you have to admit it is a little odd. So howsabout this from the old ad bag? ""We don't play the games you love, we just report on them."" Pretty good, right?","Jew","Chris Berman| Linda Cohn| Jay Glazer| Steve Levy| Steve Sabol"
772,"Tracey Gold",7,1,4,2,"As our regular readers know, we love to reminisce about the late 80s and early 90s. Oh, the movies they had back then! Oh, the TV shows! Not like the crap that is on today! It's our childhood. Allow us to reminisce. But here is the truth: that period was full of crap as well. Take ""Growing Pains"", a sitcom that spanned 1985 to 1992, smack in the middle of our supposed glory years of entertainment. ""Growing Pains"" was the story of the Seavers: parents Jason, Maggie (Joanna Kerns), children Mike (Kirk Cameron), Carol (Tracey Gold), and Ben (Jeremy Miller). There was also Chrissy, who aged five years over one summer hiatus, but we're not concerned with her. The Jew among them? No, not Kirk; he was a born-again Christian whose zealousness led to the firing of his TV girlfriend. The best we can do is Tracey, and even then it's a stretch. Her last name comes from her Jewish stepfather, but apparently it didn't go farther than that. (Tracey herself is Catholic.) So why did ""Growing Pains"" suck, other than its lack of Jews? Well, it was super-corny, which we even realized at the time, and... it just wasn't funny. The ""com"" in ""sitcom"" stands for ""comedy"", after all, but there was none of that here. (Unless you find comedy in brothers calling their sister fat, which led to Tracey's life-threatening anorexia. Good job there, Cameron. We're sure Jesus approves.) No, seriously, ""Growing Pains"" sucked. Now ""The Wonder Years"", on the other hand...","Not a Jew","Mayim Bialik| Melissa Joan Hart| Staci Keanan| Judith Light| Fred Savage"
773,"Frank Gehry",13,5,3,5,"When we were in college, we made the obligatory summer trip to Europe. When a free day opened up in out haphazard schedule, we had a great idea| take a day trip to Prague. We would take an overnight bus from Frankfurt, where we were based, spend a day in the Czech capital, and return, once again, by bus, the next morning. Sadly, we forgot one thing: we can't sleep on buses. We got to Prague after a sleepless night and were dropped off not at a bus terminal, but at some random station. And when our ATM card got immediately eaten by a ravenous cash machine, we cursed our attempts of independence, and wished we were back at our home, in a cozy New Jersey suburb. It ended up a great day; we wandered through downtown Prague, seeing it lit up with the gold that gave it its famous nickname. We subsisted on one cup of coffee, one hot dog, and one piece of bread. We attempted to sleep on the footsteps of the Saint Wenceslas statue. We admired Prague's Castle and its beautiful women. We were stopped by the Czech police. But what we remember most is the Dancing House: a shot of modernism that complements the baroque, gothic, and art noveau that intertwine the rest of the city. A silhouette of a woman, draped in glass, clutching to her concrete-clad partner in an eternal dance. We were memorized. Perhaps the lack of sleep had something to do with it. Or perhaps not. For Frank Gehry, who collaborated with Czech architect Vlado Milunic on the Dancing House, truly is an architectural genius. From Prague to Boston to Bilbao to Los Angeles, his work can be described by one word: amazing. Oh, and he is Jewish. Born Ephraim Goldberg. Boy, are we happy we took that day trip.","Jew","Fred Astaire| Gustave Eiffel| Peter Eisenman| Victor Gruen| Arne Jacobsen"
774,"Dean Kamen",12,4,5,3,"Way back in the early Aughts, Dean Kamen was a little-known inventor with a few world-changing inventions under his belt| most famously an electric wheelchair that could climb stairs. But his next invention, a well kept secret, was generating so much buzz you could barely hear yourself think. All he told us was that his new invention would revolutionize transportation. The media filled the airwaves with theories as to what the wunderkind Kamen was crafting. It was a personalized jet pack. No, it was a flying car. No, it was the first mainstream hydrogen powered engine. All we knew was this — THIS — was going to change everything. A watershed moment in human history. Or not. What we got was the Segway, an electrically powered sidewalk transportation thingy that terrorized old ladies and dogs as it schlepped the upper-upper-class who were too slovenly to walk a block and a half about their daily business. Yup, it was a douchebag-mobile. Hooray? OK, so this was clearly another application of the inverse-hype law. Nothing can live up to the kind of expectations we had for this thing, even if Kamen did have a hydrogen powered jet pack up his sleeve. That's forgivable. And certainly, the certainly-Jewish Kamen has created many other helpful, insightful inventions. Many of which could someday change the world. But the man invented the pet rock of the new millennium with all of the same embarrassments of frivolity and uselessness that come with such a thing. And we just can't let that go.","Jew","Michael Dell| Lori Greiner| Otto Lilienthal| Ron Popeil| Harold von Braunhut"
775,"Edward Teller",12,5,4,3,"In three and a half years of running this website, we developed a loyal following. Readers who tune in weekly, if not daily; readers who get where we are coming from; readers who often send us wonderful suggestions that we turn into profiles. But we also have a lot of casual readers. These readers might return once in a while, might send in a suggestion or two. We welcome them as well. And these casual readers seem to divide into two distinct groups. One wants us to profile every celebrity under the sun, whether they are Jewish or not. Say, Brad Pitt. Or Miley Cyrus. Maybe they want us to write something funny about them. Or maybe they think that we discovered a hint of Jewishness under the layers of goyishe armor. We don't know. The other group wants us to profile every important Jew ever. Scientists, artists, writers, politicians, and did we mention scientists? These readers don't really want us to write something funny. They don't need for us to search for a hint of Jewishness| it's there. They want us to acknowledge these important Jews. For example, Edward Teller, the father of the hydrogen bomb. So what do we do? How do we make everybody happy? Sorry, dear readers, we can't. At the end, the only ones we can try to make happy is ourselves. And even that is not always easy.","Jew","Max Born| Samuel Cohen| John von Neumann| J. Robert Oppenheimer| Stanislaw Ulam"
776,"Clara Peller",10,5,3,2,"There were lots of important questions in the 1980s. Why is the economy so bad? If the economy is so bad, why is it there are all these happy, young, rich Republicans? Why is our government so corrupt? Will American cities ever recover? Will the Russians blow us up? Will we blow up the Russians? Will Iran blow up all of us? But in the minds of the public, there was only one: Where's the beef? That was the question being asked by the Jewish Clara Peller, playing an old woman who had grown dissatisfied with the protein content of her usual fast food fare and demanded the kind of meaty goodness that only the fine folks at Wendy's could provide. Yes, as government scandals multiplied, terrorism rose, and the economy dropped through the floor, the entire country was captivated by this crotchety bubbe requesting| nay, demanding! — that her insatiable cravings for fried ground beef be fulfilled. G-d, the 80s were stupid.","Jew","Frances Bay| Jared Fogle| Jonathan Goldsmith| Wendy Kaufman| Oscar Mayer"
777,"Josh Baskin",10,4,3,3,"Nowadays, you can't go to the mall without meeting some little boy named Josh. He's probably blond, between seven and nine years old, and is annoying his mother to no end while she tries to find a nice dress for Cousin So-and-So's second wedding. In fact, there are probably three of them within shouting distance of you RIGHT NOW. But from the 70s on back, Josh wasn't that popular of a name. It didn't even make the top 100 for the decade (by the end of the 80s it had shot up to fourth. Mind boggling). So, if you were born in the 70s or earlier and you were named Josh there were only two possibilities: you were Jewish or you were black. And for those people, to be associated with the unending hordes of modern Joshes, well, we can only imagine, but it must be very trying. That's the long way around of getting to today's subject: Josh Baskin (as played by Tom Hanks) in the movie Big. Because we tend to assume he's just one of the roaring masses of little Joshes wandering around out there. A regular boy turned grown up turned back again who apparently invented both the Transformers AND the iPad (which, quick aside, to us sounds like some kind of interactive feminine product), we grant you. But certainly nothing more interesting than that. For this website, anyway. But when you realize the Josh character is 13 in Big and the movie came out in 1988 (meaning he was born in 1975 or thereabouts), well, then the curly hair and the whiny mother start to make a little more sense, don't they? Of course, viewing Big with a modern eye leads to all kinds of problems (the Elizabeth Perkins character is guilty of statutory rape, right?). And such is life. Most movies don't age well. But to see a boy named Josh in the 1980s and assume he's just another whiny goyishe kid at the Macy's? That's just ludicrous.","Jew","James L. Brooks| Tom Hanks| Jon Lovitz| Optimus Prime| Gary Ross"
778,"Patti Stanger",10,3,5,2,"Jewish matchmaking is a tradition that goes back to the days of the patriarchs. Ever since Laban pushed his ugly daughter Leah on the unsuspecting Jacob, Jews have meddled in the love lives of friends and relatives. In the days of Jewish diaspora in Eastern Europe, matchmaking was taken to new heights. Every settlement had a shadchan, who made sure that the right matches were made, and that the dowry of goats and linen was transferred properly. Even today, G-d forbid if you're Jewish, unmarried, and in your 20s (or, even worse, 30s. 40s? Oy gevalt!). You can rest assured that your mother/aunt/female-friend-who-got-married-way-too-young will do her best to set you on the right path to love, marriage, and children (lots of children, bubelah!). Not that we're talking for our own experience, of course. So it should come as no surprise that Patti Stanger, Bravo's ""Millionaire Matchmaker"", is Jewish. On her show, Patti attempts to find wives for the elite of South California, but only succeeds in one thing| proving once again that men are only after blondes and boobs, and women are only after money. Jewish matchmaking hasn't changed much at all...","Jew","Heidi Fleiss| Leah and Rachel| James Lipton| Gail Simmons| Rachel Zoe"
779,"Jean-Claude Van Damme",6,2,0,4,"Time for a little Van Damme-age! If there was a golden age of dumb action films, then it was probably the 80s. Many a movie theater was filled with young, suburban male fans cheering on the heroics of their favorite, heavily accented butt kicker. The heavies? Stallone. Seagal. Schwarzenegger. Van Damme. No other names necessary. Need someone dressed as a hockey goalie to wrestle an alligator to protect a Native American tribe trapped in Vietnam? You knew that these were your guys. What you didn't know in those days? Three of them are Jews. Ain't that a roundhouse to the head? OK, so Van Damme and Stallone are a quarter (if that), while Seagal is only half. But we tend to see our can of Jewish whup-ass as half full, as nearly 800 profiles can attest. Of course, regular readers already knew about Seagal and Stallone. But thanks to the Muscles from Brussels we have a Talmudic Trifecta. Now if we could only get one of them to play a gun toting, taekwondo master rabbi. Slam, bam, thank you Van Damme!","Barely a Jew","Frank Dux| Christopher Lambert| Bruce Lee| Sasha Mitchell| Sylvester Stallone"
780,"Giselle Fernandez",8,3,2,3,"On her official website, former Access Hollywood host Giselle Fernandez proudly displays the cover of Latina magazine adorned with her photograph. On that website, Giselle talks about Latina empowerment. She is on the Smithsonian National Board for Latino Initiatives. She is a regular presenter at the Latin Grammy awards. Yep, the woman does not take her heritage lightly. Well, half of her heritage that is. Giselle, born in Mexico, is only half Latino: the other half comes from her Jewish mother. So, how does Giselle refer to her Jewish side on her website? Does she proudly display Yenta magazine? Does she mention Jewish empowerment or serve on some board for something Jewish or other? Does she even show up at the National Klezmer Festival? No. But she does refer to herself as a ""Kosher Burrito"". Hmmmm. Well, at least she has a sense of humor about it.","Borderline Jew","Veronica De La Cruz| Mary Hart| Emmanuel Lubezki| Claudia Sheinbaum| Rachel Ticotin"
781,"Helena Bonham Carter",10,3,3,4,"It's been a while since we looked in our mailbox. Today's letter comes from a reader from London, who, together with her ""weirdly obtuse boyfriend"", is a fan of our website. The reader tells us that it ""would be nice to have some British women represented here"". Au contraire, dear Londonette! We do have a number of British women represented! Let's see, there's Kate Middleton, and... ummm... Amy Winehouse, and... well, Jordan, of course! On second thought, our correspondent does have a point. Is that the best we can do for British Jewesses? A princely girlfriend, a crack whore, and a ""glamour"" model? That's the front page your basic English tabloid, not a representation of the fine women of Great Britain. So let's profile Helena Bonham Carter, terrific actress, Tim Burton's muse, and at least 3/8 Jewish. That definitely beats a ""glamour"" model, doesn't it? And Helena has great pedigree as well: her half-Jewish grandfather, Spanish diplomat Eduardo Propper de Callejon, helped thousands of Jews escape France during World War II. So there you go, dear correspondent. Now, as for your boyfriend, you're on your own there...","Borderline Jew","Corpse Bride| Jordan| Kate Middleton| Rachel Weisz| Amy Winehouse"
782,"Philip Markoff",3,3,0,0,"We picture you, faithful reader: There you are, early in the morning, opening your internet browser, which loads up your home page, this very website. ""I wonder who today's profile is,"" you think. ""Perhaps they'll finally follow up on my suggestion to profile Bette Midler? I only sent it in five times."" But no, today's profile is Philip Markoff. ""Who is that?"", you think. ""Markoff, Markoff... I know Madoff, but that's not it..."" So you keep reading and find out that Markoff is the Craigslist Killer: the medical student who picked up prostitutes on Craigslist and then killed one of them. ""Oh no!"", you say to yourself. ""Could he be Jewish?"" Afraid, you skim to the end of the profile, see the verdict, ""Barely a Jew"", and breath a sign of relief. Sure, you would have wanted ""Not a Jew"", but this will have to do. So you go back up and find out that Markoff is not Jewish| religiously. He is half Jewish — ethnically, through his father. However, neither his mother nor his stepfather is Jewish, and Philip was brought up Catholic. ""Oh well,"" you think. ""Another one for the Sociopaths category. Hmmm. Maybe I should send in that Bette Midler suggestion again.""","Barely a Jew","Leopold and Loeb| Bette Midler| Fred Neulander| Craig Newmark| George Zimmerman"
783,"Grigory Perelman",12,4,5,3,"Grigory Perelman has been called the smartest man in the world. The Russian Jewish mathematician proved the previously-thought-unsolvable Poincare Conjecture, which basically states that any three-dimensional space without holes is a sphere. His proof might help determine the shape of the universe. Yeah, it's a big deal. For his work, Perelman was awarded the top honor of mathematics, the Fields Medal, as well as the Millennium Prize, a one-million-dollar award for solving one of seven mind-shattering problems. Perelman declined both awards. Instead, he quit mathematics altogether, and moved into a barren, cockroach-infested apartment with his mother. ""I'm not interested in money or fame. I don't want to be on display like an animal in a zoo,"" Perelman said. Now, we're not gonna argue with Perelman's wishes. After all, what mathematician hasn't felt like they were caged for the entertainment of others? Just the paparazzi alone drives many a calculating prodigy over the edge. But come on, Grigory. You moved in with your mother. The least you could do is help her out. What kind of a Jewish son are you? Seriously, is the smartest man in the world also the stupidest?","Jew","Kenneth Appel| Georg Cantor| Paul Erdos| Alexander Grothendieck| Gregory Margulis"
784,"Adam Richman",11,4,4,3,"Jewish mothers might come in all shapes in sizes, but they all agree on one thing: Their children don't eat well enough. What Jewish mother hasn't stood over her child (grandchild) and asked them to eat just one more bite... just one more spoon. It's farina, mom (grandma)! If it's so delicious, why have I never seen YOU eat it? And while most Jewish children try to resist their mothers and, as a result, grow up quite svelte (and, by extension, healthy), some embrace the eating. Oh, do they ever. Take Adam Richman, the host of Travel Channel's ""Man vs. Food"". Now, Adam might not be obese, but he is getting there: every week he takes on various food challenges, where the goal is to eat something ginormous. Like an 72-ounce steak. Or the biggest pizza ever made. Or an 80-ounce steak. You get the picture. It's a heart attack waiting to happen. Is that what you have wanted for us, mom (grandma)? Really?","Jew","Duff Goldman| Don ""Moses"" Lerman| Rachael Ray| David Wallerstein| Andrew Zimmern"
785,"The Genie",13,4,4,5,"We looked high and wide for an animated Disney Jew. Big Bad Wolf, Seven Dwarfs, Lion King's Timon... And the most obvious Jew of them all was right under our nose. We even mentioned him in passing in the Kronk Pepikrankenitz profile. Aladdin, Robin Williams: the Genie. A Jew. Such an obvious, obvious Jew. What's that, you say? How can the Genie, a character from Aladdin, a story from Arabian Nights, be Jewish? Well, it's pretty simple. Eric Goldberg, the Genie's animator, made him so. He created the character as a Jew. And Robin Williams' love of Yiddish shtick played right into the character, as the Genie spews Yiddish phrases time and time again. But how do we reconcile a Jewish genie in Arabian Nights (Allah be praised?)? Well, it's simple, really. The Genie is a prisoner inside the lamp. And, according to Arabian Nights (Allah be praised?), genies get imprisoned by Arabian emperors they defy. And who better to defy an Arabian emperor than a Jew? Or... perhaps Goldberg just wanted to show that Jews and Arabs can get along, at least in a cartoon setting. Not exactly the worst idea, right? We just never expected it to come from Disney.","Jew","Gilbert Gottfried| Hottabych| Kronk Pepikrankenitz| Timon| Robin Williams"
786,"Rick Adelman",4,0,1,3,"We have a rule here at Jew or Not Jew. No, we're not talking about ""don't pick your nose if a co-worker is looking"", although that's a good rule that should always be followed. We're talking about ""goy, until proven Jewish"". You see, there are a lot of potential profiles out there whose family history is just not clear. Who are not on the record about their ethnic origins or their religious beliefs. People who we just have to make our best possible guess on. And for those people, we use the ""goy, until proven Jewish"" rule. Take basketball coach Rick Adelman. ""Adelman"" sure sounds Jewish, doesn't it? But other than the last name, there is absolutely no other evidence. In fact, if you start digging through his ancestry, you meet some clearly goyishe, German Adelmans. Could a Jew have slipped in there? Sure. But considering the way us Jews attempt to grab onto and publicize every professional athlete and coach with any traces of Jewish ties, and no such attempts have ever been made about Adelman, we highly doubt it. So ""Not a Jew"" it is. Oh, he went to a Catholic high school AND university? Well, that settles it, doesn't it? Lest we forget ""Jews can attend a Christian high school, or a Christian college, but never both"" rule...","Not a Jew","Larry Brown| Lawrence Frank| David Kahn| Josh Pastner| Jeff and Stan Van Gundy"
787,"Ike Davis",9,3,3,3,"Here's another rule we subscribe to at Jew or Not Jew: The New York Jewish Athlete Lemma. The rule states that if a New York athlete is even remotely Jewish, that fact will become immediately known. Why? Well, there are a lot of Jews in and around New York. Specifically, there are a lot of Jews in the New York sports media. When they smell a Jew, they pounce. Oh, do they ever. Nowhere has the lemma been more evident than with the newest New York Met, Ike Davis. Once the media got a whiff that Ike stood for Isaac, it didn't take long for the truth to come out. (Of course, here at Jew or Not Jew we knew the truth long before Ike made the majors. Ordinarily, we would have waited for Ike to establish himself to write his profile. But when, after less than a week in the majors, he gets compared by that New York media to Ted Williams... Yes, TED WILLIAMS! Are they serious?) So yes, Davis is Jewish| Halachically, through his mother. He is proud of his heritage, calls himself ""culturally Jewish"", and even through he is not looking to promote his background, we're pretty sure the Mets will do their best to cash in on it. Perhaps a joint Ike Davis bobblehead / gefilte fish giveaway night? We're sure the New York sports media would enjoy that one.","Jew","David Cone| Shawn Green| Jason Marquis| Art Shamsky| Fred Wilpon"
788,"Esau",11,5,4,2,"""Bubbes and zadehs, the moment you've been waiting for is here... WJEW, Jew or Not Jew Radio! WJEW is brought to you by Rocks! You can cut with them, cook with them, do just about whatever you need to with them. Rocks| they're not just for breakfast anymore! ""Tonight, we talk to one of the most controversial figures throughout the Torah, yes it's Esau! Esau, welcome to the program, it's an honor."" ""Actually, I'm kind of in a rush. Y'see I'm supposed to be getting my birthright from my father, Isaac, this afternoon and I don't want to be late. Can we do this after?"" ""Oh, well, this will only take a moment. And we've come so far just to talk to you!"" ""It's just that I've been waiting for this for a long time. That birthright... I mean... the sheep alone are probably worth a couple a million shekels. Plus, my dad said once I have the birthright I can marry my cousin Leah and... wooo... let me tell you, that woman is a fox!"" ""What is five minutes really going to do, seriously?"" ""Yeah... OK... I guess it couldn't hurt...."" ""That's the spirit! So, Esau, the moment of truth: Are... you... Jewish?"" ""Huh? What is Jewish?"" ""Y'know, Jews! Israelites! The Hebrews? The Children of Abraham?"" ""Oh! Oh yeah. Abraham is my grandfather. What does that have to do with... Oh no. Look, I'd better get going..."" ""Just one moment more, we have a question about back hair... Huh. He's gone. Well that was rude. Seriously, what difference was five minutes gonna make?"" ""NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"" ""Hm. Oh well. Ummmmm, for more of the Who in Hebrew, join us next time on WJEW!""","Jew","Abraham| Dinah| Isaac| Jacob| Onan"
789,"Jenny Slate",12,4,5,3,"It's been a long time since we had a Jewish leading lady on Saturday Night Live. Not since the days of Gilda Radner; all the women who could claim the ""leading"" title, from the terribly unfunny Molly Shannon to the delightful Amy Poehler, were all goyim. Today's leading lady is one-note goy Kristen Wiig, who apparently can do no wrong. Kristen gets choice role after choice role, does her stupid voices, rolls her eyes, and poor Jenny Slate stays in the background. Yes, poor Jenny Slate. The same Jenny Slate who wrote her name into SNL annals by saying ""fuck"" on her first show. IN HER FIRST SKETCH. The same Jenny Slate who has more talent in the tip of her oh-so-Jewish nose than Wiig has in her entire body. And no, we're not just saying that just because Slate is Jewish. But it doesn't hurt.","Jew","Hannah Einbinder| Chloe Fineman| Gilda Radner| Sarah Silverman| Michaela Watkins"
790,"Marc Ecko",11,5,2,4,"Earlier this spring, we were driving through Newark, New Jersey. It was the first sunny day after a torrential downpour, so many local residents took to the streets to take in the warmth. Now, those unfamiliar with Newark might need an explanation. The once-Jewish city is now a budding metropolis full of many minorities. It's residents are mostly black or Hispanic, and there is a sizable Portuguese/Brazilian community. So here we are, driving through Newark, and we can't help but notice the one word appearing on so many articles of clothing of these fashionable young people. ""ECKO"". As in Marc Ecko, the fashion designer with an ultra-hip fashion line. Now, we are not hip. And fashion is not exactly a priority. And we wouldn't know Marc Ecko from a hole in a wall, if not for a fact that we know he's a Jew, and that his real last name is Milecofsky. Can you picture it? ""MILECOFSKY"". Slapped on a t-shirt in a funky font, proudly worn by a trendy teenager? No. No, you can't.","Jew","Dov Charney| Calvin Klein| Ralph Lauren| Philip Roth| Levi Strauss"
791,"Alexander the Great",6,0,1,5,"Selecting a Hebrew name if you have a boy is no easy task. Not so for a girl: you're pretty much picking between Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel, and Leah, with a Miriam thrown in. A quick game of eeny-meeny-miny-moe should do it. But with boys, the options are plenty. You can go with a time-tested classic (Abraham, Isaac), a modern favorite (Joshua, Daniel), or embrace the Yiddish (Herschel, Fievel)... Well, maybe not that last option. Or, because, let's face it, who wants your son to be one of five Joshuas or Daniels in his Hebrew school class, you can go with Alexander. That's right, Alexander, with its obvious Hellenic origins, is a perfectly acceptable Hebrew name. It all has to do with the man who originated the name, Alexander the Great. No, Alexander the Great wasn't Jewish. Jews don't set on conquering the world; we have enough trouble keeping our own house in order. But, according to the Talmud, Alexander was embraced by Jews (we guess they preferred him to the other options available at the time). So much so that his name entered the Hebrew lexicon. And, obviously, we're fine with Alexander. We could do so much worse; we don't have to mention Herschel and Feivel again, do we?","Sadly, Not a Jew","Napoleon Bonaparte| Hannibal| Nero| Peter the Great| Socrates"
792,"Rachel Maddow",8,2,2,4,"Why do people think that television host and pundit Rachel Maddow might be Jewish? Well, she is quite liberal, and Jewish women tend to be pretty liberal. She is quite intelligent, and Jewish women tend to be pretty intelligent. She is quite lesbian, and Jewish women... ummm... So, clearly, we can see why some might think that Rachel is a Jew. And some would be partly right: she does have a Jewish grandfather. But the rest of the family isn't, and Rachel was raised in a staunch Catholic household. And here's another thing that separates her from Jewish women; she is quite tall, an inch under six feet. Come on, people, not every liberal, intelligent TV personality is Jewish. Though it sure seems that way sometimes, doesn't it?","Barely a Jew","Jim Cramer| Al Franken| Marc Maron| Keith Olbermann| Suze Orman"
793,"Barbara Bach",8,3,1,4,"The discussion of the golden age of Bond might never be settled (Connery? Moore? Brosnan? Craig? Surely not Lazenby or Dalton!), but as far as we are concerned, the golden age of Bond girls is a shut case. It's the 70s. Specifically, the period between 1971 and 1977, when three of the four Bond girls were Jewish. We had Jill St. John as Tiffany Case in ""Diamonds are Forever"". Jane Seymour as Solitaire in ""Live and Let Die"". And to top them all, the stunning Barbara Bach as Anya Amasova in ""The Spy Who Loved Me"". In real life, Bach (Jewish father, Catholic mother) married Ringo Starr. And she's still going strong after all these years, appearing in Playboy in 2008| more than three decades after first gracing the pages of the magazine. That's a heck of a lot better than what Sean Connery has been doing these days (let alone George Lazanby).","Borderline Jew","Gemma Arterton| Eva Green| Jane Seymour| Jill St. John| Ringo Starr"
794,"Yosef the Mountaineer",7,1,5,1,"There are plenty of Christian colleges here in the USA and some of them have Christian mascots. Notre Dame's Fighting Irish. Holy Cross' Crusader. There are also a few Jewish colleges. So they have Jewish mascots, right? Yeah, not so much. Well, we think there ought to be: The Yeshiva Destructive Dreidel. The Jewish Theological Seminary of America Fighting Talmud. Maccabees, Rabbis, Levites. Nothing gets you excited to see your team take the field on Saturday like a giant, bearded, torah-carrying Rabbi doing backflips through a sea of cheerleaders. We know we're not the only ones who feel this way. Or has Appalachian State beaten us to the punch? Yosef the Mountaineer looks fairly Jewish, doesn't he? The beard, the hat, the name Yosef... Sadly it just isn't so. The name Yosef is meant to be Appalachian dialect for ""Yourself,"" saying that this mascot is a representative of you, the Appalachian State student. Further the plaid shirt and mountaineering career are kind of dead giveaways. So back to square one. Some might say it's rude to have a Jewish mascot, but really it's no different than a brawling Leprechaun or a type of knight famous for murdering Arabs. We deserve a plush representative, dammit, and we're not going anywhere until we get one. Go Dreidels!","Not a Jew","Uncle Deadly| Mountain Jews| Guy Smiley| Tottenham Hotspur| Julius Vogel"
795,"Ewan McGregor",6,1,1,4,"Once again, it's time to open our mailbox and see who our readers want us to write about! Here's a letter from Israel, asking us to profile Ewan McGregor. ""If you were girls| you would understand,"" the letter says. Oh, but we do understand, dear reader! Ewan McGregor, talented actor, star of Trainspotting, and the only good thing about the Star Wars prequels? That's why you want us to profile him, right? So, since we like to add to our roster of talented actors, and want to please our readers, let's give it a whirl. Perhaps Ewan has a Jewish ancestor amongst his Scottish roots? Or maybe... Yes, here we go. McGregor might not be Jewish himself, but he is married to a French Jew of Greek descent, Eve Mavrakis, and they are raising their daughters Jewish. So there you have it, dear reader. Ewan McGregor. Married to a Jew. Does that news make you happy? What? It doesn't? Maybe we don't understand... We're not girls, after all.","Sadly, Not a Jew","Hayden Christensen| Matt Damon| Julio Iglesias| Rob Lowe| Jason Schwartzman"
796,"Anne Bancroft",7,1,2,4,"There is a rumor out there that Mel Brooks converted to Catholicism upon marrying Anne Bancroft. There is also a rumor out there that Anne Bancroft converted to Judaism upon marrying Mel Brooks. As far as we can tell, both of those rumors are just that, rumors. The two compromised: he stayed Jewish, she stayed Catholic. Although, as with many compromises, there are some complications. When son Max was born, Anne wanted to have him baptized. Mel didn't, so another compromise was reached: Max would be baptized, but also bar mitzvahed when he turned 13. And then, when Max became an adult, what religion did he end up choosing? Judaism. Sometimes these things just work themselves out, don't they?","Not a Jew","Max Brooks| Mel Brooks| Dustin Hoffman| Mike Nichols| Elizabeth Taylor"
797,"Elena Kagan",14,4,5,5,"Lots of rumors about Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan out there. Yeah, you know what we're talking about. Is she or isn't she? For there are some hints out there. Hints that suggest that her persuasion might not exactly be that of the majority. And some say that those are not just hints. Some say that there is enough evidence to draw a conclusion. So is she or isn't she? Well, of course she is. Jewish, that is. What did you think we were talking about?","Jew","Ruth Bader Ginsburg| Louis Brandeis| Stephen Breyer| Benjamin Cardozo| Eliot Spitzer"
798,"Meyer Lansky",10,5,3,2,"""Scarface"" Al Capone. ""Machine Gun"" Kelly. Nicknames that send shivers down one's spine. Tommy Lucchese, AKA ""Three-Fingers Brown"". Meyer ""Mob's Accountant"" Lansky. Albert ""Mad Hatter"" Anastasia. Wait, what was that one again? Meyer ""Mob's Accountant"" Lansky? OK... Well, he might not have had his face slashed like Capone, and he might have not gunned down as many as Kelly, but as far as mobsters are concerned, Meyer Lansky was up there. He started in bootlegging, moved on to gambling, and in process, stashed away millions| some stay billions. Lansky established gambling empires in Miami and New Orleans, and attempted to turn Cuba into a mobster's haven. And when the times got tough, what did Lansky try to do? Try to run to... Israel, only to be deported back two years later. Yep, Meyer Lansky was Jewish. Now that nickname makes a tad more sense, doesn't it?","Jew","Fidel Castro| Oscar Goodman| Murder, Inc.| Arnold Rothstein| Bugsy Siegel"
799,"Ethan Zohn",12,4,4,4,"Here at Jew or Not Jew, we like Survivor. Scratch that, we LOVE Survivor. Yes, the same people who spend profile after profile bashing one television show after another, the same people who show their disdain for American Idol time and again, the same people spend the morning after each Survivor episode discussing the latest Tribal Council and plotting scenarios for their favorite contestants to get ahead in the game. And why do we love it so much? Maybe it's the incredibly complex social game that Survivor is. Maybe it's all the morons who make the hilarious, idiotic mistakes week after week. Maybe it's because every season brings us something different. Maybe it's sexy girls in bikinis. Maybe it's all of the above. It's not because of the Jews, that's for sure. No, there haven't been many on Survivor, at least not many of note. We had Stephen Fishbach, who made the Final of last year's Season 18, and then we had Ethan Zohn, who took the title all the way back in Season 3. Zohn, by the way, is one of the good guys. He spent a part of his winnings to start Grassroot Soccer, a foundation that tries to help fight AIDS in Africa. But this weekend, the thoughts of Survivor Jews will be put on the backburner. We'll be glued to the television screen, immersed as the goyim fight it out for that elusive Survivor title. And we'll apologize in advance if Monday's profile is delayed because we're spending the morning debating the finale. For at Jew or Not Jew, we like Survivor. We guess there's no accounting for taste.","Jew","Brooke Burke| Mark Burnett| Simon Cowell| Shep Messing| David Samson"
800,"Mary Magdalene",7,4,1,2,"Who was Mary Magdalene? Was she a common street whore, who walked the streets of Jerusalem, peddling her body to every comer, including, quite possibly, a few of Jesus' apostles, because, face it, unless they were a bunch of feygeles, after hanging out with a bunch of dudes, they'd need some female lovin'? Was she Jesus' wife, because, face it, at the time it would be quite uncommon for a 33-year-old man to not have a wife, and then, wouldn't you think that the woman present at his crucifixion (other than his mother, of course), would be his wife, and not, just, you know, a common street whore, and if she was, in fact, his wife, wouldn't it mean that Jesus was, oh, just a tad less pure than some want you to believe, and then, in all honesty, what is there to gain from him being pure, and not just being a man, a normal man (even if you subscribe to the whole Son of G-d theory, he's still a man, no?), a man who couldn't help but have his urges? And, most importantly, was she a Jew, for if Jesus had carnal relations with her, as speculated above, it's more likely than not that he would pick a spouse of the Jewish persuasion, and even if they didn't have such relations, it's hard to imagine her being anything but Jewish, since most of Jesus' followers were, and even if they weren't, then they would have become so by following Jesus' teachings, because face it, in life he was just a Jewish rabbi, and in death, well, it's not for us to decide? So who was Mary Magdalene? A whore, Jesus' wife, a Jew? Why couldn't she have been all three?","Borderline Jew","Jesus Christ| Heidi Fleiss| Judas Iscariot| Lazarus| Rahab"
801,"The Japanese",5,0,1,4,"According to the bible, Jacob| the original Israel — had 12 sons, all of whom migrated to Egypt when their brother Joseph was the big macher there. Joseph died, the descendants of the brothers were enslaved, yadda yadda yadda, Moses led them to the promised land. While meandering around the sands of Sinai, Moses broke the Israelites into tribes based on which brother they had descended from. So, Levi's descendants became Levites, etc. Thus, the 12 tribes of Israel. Each of these tribes was given a separate job (priest, farmer, accountant...) and a specific area to settle in when they reached the promised land. Well, the Israelites eventually split, with ten of the tribes living in the land of Israel and the other two living in Judea (thus, Jews). But it was still all good. Or at least it was until 993 BC, Thursday at 1:13pm (it was sunny, with a slight breeze coming from the northwest) when a group of Assyrians (who undoubtedly put the Ass in Assyria), attacked the northern land of Israel and destroyed anyone and anything in their path. And that's where things get hazy. These ""10 Lost Tribes"" joined other such mythical stories as the lost cities of gold and the lost meaningful plot on ""Lost"". All we know is, they gone. Where to? There are some crazy theories out there. Ethiopians? Maybe. Native Americans? Sure (as part of his original instructions to Lewis and Clark, President Jefferson instructed them to find the lost tribes of Israel. Good luck boys!). Japanese? We guess... Wait, seriously? The Japanese? Yup. Apparently Japanese culture is filled with all sorts of stuff that if you squint really hard kinda sorta looks maybe Jew-like. After about five rounds of sake no doubt. Hey, not that we're complaining. The Japanese want to be Jews and share all their wonderful electronic devices with us? Welcome to the team! Of course, the most likely answer is the Israelites that didn't die when the Assyrians went all aggro on them moved on and assimilated wherever they could — melting into the pages of history. But that hasn't stopped people from saying the Chinese, the Japanese, the Eskimos and anyone else on two legs who the Europeans ""discovered"" at one point are really transplanted Jews. Oh yeah. Cause that just makes a ton more sense.","Not a Jew","Marty Friedman| Ayako Fujitani| Hoshitango Imachi| Pokemon| Optimus Prime"
802,"David Bowie",5,0,1,4,"In college we took a course called ""Myths and Mythology."" It sounded fun| examining modern film for the undertones of ancient myth. Not bad right? Instead, the entire semester was a long, nauseating plunge into some of the strangest films ever committed to celluloid as our professor pointed out sexual imagery in everything we viewed. One of the movies we saw was ""The Man Who Fell To Earth"", David Bowie's first film foray and hands down the weirdest of the weird movies that had the honor of scorching our brains that year. For those lucky enough to have no idea what we're talking about, the movie is about an alien (Bowie himself) who comes to Earth and... yeah we've got nothing. At one point you see Rip Torn's bare ass and there's a 20 minute scene of Bowie playing ping pong. A deep learning experience, this was not (though we're now pretty sure what it would be like if we took mushrooms). The one thing we did learn? David Bowie is really frickin' strange. He doesn't so much play an alien as he is one, wandering from scene to addled scene with the calm aloofness of a fluffy cloud and about the same number of human emotions. If this were Martian or Not Martian, we'd have a 13. As a Jew? Just a 5. Mostly in the K (proving that weird and talented is much more forgivable than just flat out weird). There's some rumor-mongering about a Jewish mother out there, but nothing beyond the usual baseless Internet whispers. We learned a lot in college. Most of which we forgot as soon as we left its hallowed halls. But Rip Torn's bare ass, man, that's an image that just never goes away. Dammit.","Not a Jew","Marc Bolan| Bono| Buck Henry| Iggy Pop| Keith Richards"
803,"Haym Salomon",14,5,4,5,"We're very disappointed. We read Dan Brown's ""The Lost Symbol"". No, we're not disappointed in the book itself. Oh, it's a piece of dreck, that's for sure, but that was expected. We're disappointed that Brown, among his great mysteries of masons, founding fathers, and symbols, failed to mention Haym Salomon and the Jewish star on the one-dollar bill. That's right, there's a supposed Jewish star on the one-dollar bill. It's on the reverse, in the Great Seal, above the eagle: the thirteen five-pointed stars arranged in the Star of David. And, as the rumor has it, they were arranged in such a way as a favor from George Washington to Jewish financier Haym Salomon, whose financial contributions were essential in helping the American cause during the Revolution. Now, the reason for the stars' arrangement is most likely hogwash, but not like that ever stopped Brown before. Here it was, his chance for a Revolutionary Judeo-Masonic conspiracy, and he blew it! Of course, we really should be disappointed in ourselves. For reading that piece of dreck in the first place.","Jew","John Adams| Israel Bissell| Thomas Jefferson| Ashley Zukerman| Ayelet Zurer"
804,"Chesty Morgan",10,5,2,3,"Lillian is a young Polish girl. Her parents own the local department store. The Germans invade in 1939 and grab her mother off the street. Gone forever. Her father is murdered during an uprising. Lillian somehow escapes to Israel. The End? Not by a long shot. In Israel, Lillian meets a nice, young American and after a whirlwind romance they marry and move to New York City. They have two children. Her husband is a butcher and they're doing well. Then she gets a phone call from the police. Hoodlums shepherded her husband into his own icebox and murdered him as part of a robbery. Lillian considers suicide. The End? Nope. Lillian's almost comically large breasts get her the attention of a number of suitors, including several who own burlesque houses| the ancestors of strip clubs. Lillian becomes Chesty Morgan: star of stage and film. She makes $6000 a week. She meets Federico Fellini and appears in one of his movies. She travels the world. The End? Not yet. Lillian marries a baseball umpire, but they divorce. Then her oldest daughter is killed in a car accident. She retires in 1991 and moves to Florida, like all good Jews. She loves Home Depot and Bill O'Reilly. She does her own roof repairs and drives a pickup truck. Nameless. Fading beyond memory. The End?","Jew","Pamela Anderson| Soleil Moon Frye| Zsa Zsa Gabor| Daphne Rosen| Lindsey Vuolo"
805,"Philip Seymour Hoffman",6,0,2,4,"Some people think that you can tell if someone is Jewish just by looking at their last name. Time and time again we've proven them wrong, yet the notion is out there. There are ""Jewish"" last names. So, for those who still think that's the case, try this on for size: Dustin Hoffman. Terrific actor. Oscar winner. Hoffman. Jew. Philip Seymour Hoffman. Terrific actor. Oscar winner. Hoffman. Not a Jew. Philip's father is a German Protestant, mother an Irish Catholic. There is absolutely nothing Jewish about him, except that pseudo-Jewish last name. Well, supposedly ""Jewish"" names like Hoffman, Zimmerman and even Goldman, as well as Fischer, Meyer, Koch, etc, are not exactly Jewish. They all come from German, and quite often have ethnic non-Jewish German roots. Just like in this case. But that's alright. We don't mind all the goyim with pseudo-Jewish last names. It gives us more fodder for this website, doesn't it?","Not a Jew","F. Murray Abraham| Richard Dreyfuss| Gene Hackman| Dustin Hoffman| Willy Loman"
806,"Usher",3,0,0,3,"Stupid Kabbalists. Stupid, stupid Kabbalists. No, not because they attempt to turn Judaism into some sort of cryptic mumbo-jumbo. Well, that too. But also because no one can safely wear a red string around their wrist anymore. Oh, you think no one will ever do it by choice? As a fashion statement? Why not? It's nowhere as stupid as a bow tie. And at least one person did wear it as a fashion statement: Usher. And when he did, people started wondering, if he was Kabbalist, or even| G-d forbid — Jewish. No, he's not Kabbalist. He is not even remotely Jewish. He just likes wearing red string around his wrist. Is it that hard to comprehend? Stupid, stupid Kabbalists.","Not a Jew","Justin Bieber| Drake| Boy George| Madonna| Asher Roth"
807,"Samuil Marshak",14,5,4,5,"On a snowy Moscow night, Politburo member Petr Petrovich Sidorov was woken by a ringing doorbell. He looked at the alarm clock; the hour hand just crept below the 3. Sidorov slid into his slippers and draped a bathrobe over his shoulders. The doorbell rang again. ""Who on Earth could it be,"" Sidorov mumbled, opening the peephole. The man staring it him from the other side of the door was Sidorov's young protege, Ivan Ivanovich Rubashkin. Sidorov sighed and opened the door. ""It's late, comrade,"" Sidorov said. ""I am sorry, Petr Petrovich! I just couldn't sleep! I need to talk to you!"" Sidorov gestured into the living room. Rubashkin ignored the doormat. Sidorov sighed again as a trail of snowy steps emerged on the floor. ""Cognac?"", he asked. ""I don't drink, Petr Petrovich."" Sidorov nodded, and took out a bottle and two glasses from the cabinet. He filled them both and left one standing on the coffee table. ""Well, comrade?"" ""I couldn't sleep, Petr Petrovich!"" ""I heard that already, comrade."" ""It's about tomorrow's report."" ""What about it, comrade Rubashkin?"" ""Well, it's my first time talking in front of the Politburo. And... well..."" ""Get to the point, comrade."" ""The report is on the influence of Jews in Soviet children's literature."" ""I am aware of that, comrade. Need I remind you that we discussed it at length during the past month?"" ""No, Petr Petrovich, you don't! It's just... well..."" ""Comrade Rubashkin, if you don't get to the point, I will ask you to leave."" Rubashkin reached for the coffee table, took the glass, and emptied it in one gulp. ""They are ALL Jews, Petr Petrovich!"" ""Who are all... Jews, comrade?"" ""The children's writers! All the good ones, at least! Agniya Barto, Boris Zakhoder, Genrikh Sapgir, Lazar Lagin! And worst of all... Samuil Marshak! And to think, my mother used to read his stories to me every night! Beautiful, wonderful stories! My mother, Petr Petrovich!"" ""Calm down, comrade Rubashkin."" ""But Petr Petrovich! Tomorrow I have to go in front of the Politburo and... expose Marshak as a Jew!"" ""We KNOW he is a Jew, comrade."" ""You... do?"" ""Of course, we do. Who but a Jew to be named Samuil, after all. He even wrote for a Jewish magazine before the Revolution."" ""He... did?"" Sidorov poured another glassful into Rubashkin's shaking hand. ""You see, comrade Rubashkin, sometimes you have to accept the Jews."" ""But... but..."" ""Accept the Jews, comrade Rubashkin. And then make sure that years of thorough Soviet ideology| at home, at school, at work — will erase whatever imprint Marshak and his ilk made at a young age. Do you understand?"" ""I... I understand, Petr Petrovich."" Rubashkin gulped down the glass. ""Is that all, comrade?"", Sidorov asked. ""Yes, Petr Petrovich. Thank you. Thank you. I'll show myself out."" Rubashkin got up from the sofa and extended his hand to Sidorov. ""They really are wonderful stories, Petr Petrovich, aren't they?"" ""Yes they are, comrade Rubashkin. Yes they are."""