Ok, I'm just documenting this here so that if someone has the same struggles as me, they will have a lead on what to do.
This is a pain in the butt - in fact, this is the main reason why I updated to Unstable, but I might as well toss it here. Long story short, put this in your sources.list (comment everything else out):
deb http://archive.debian.org/debian jessie main contrib non-free
Additionally, add the following in a new file /etc/apt/apt.conf.d/99unauthenticated
: