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Last active December 15, 2015 08:49
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A little story about the fake future history of Beer™.

If humanity's discovery of brewing had been delayed...

Beer was a food product manufactured during the early 21st century. PepsiCo's 2013 press release stated:

Beer, made with our patented Brewing Technology, comes in four exciting flavors.

The wild commercial success of Beer led the company to expand its lineup in 2018 with the addition of a new Blueberry Blast flavor. PepsiCo also briefly experimented with Cream Cheese Salad Beer, a low-calorie variety marketed to women.

United States-Mexico border relations tensed as officials, under pressure from PepsiCo, strengthened efforts to block importing of the increasing number of knockoff beverages brewed in violation of US patent law. PepsiCo v Gonzales (2017) established that most off-brand "Beers", although not corn-based like genuine Beer, still fell within the purview of the Brewing patent.

In 2031, the Beer brand was acquired by Farm Company in a merger with Kraft Foods, Kellogg Company, Boston Market, and six other edible product manufacturers.

During the second alcohol prohibition movement of the 2030s, an FDA investigation determined that Beer's sugar content, cartoon mascot, and fruit-themed flavors constituted an overt strategy of marketing alcohol to children. Although second prohibition failed to effect legislative change, it did find partial success: Faced with the alternative of abandoning its lucrative Beer brand, Farm Company opted to replace the entire product line with alcohol-free Beer Xtra in 2038.

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