gistfile1.txt

I was threatened with rape accusation and now I am far more likely to believe victims.

A person who I once regarded as a friend told me that if I divulged a particular piece of
information to anyone, they would tell the world I had raped them. Perhaps this text
doesn't do justice to the way it was said and how convincing it sounded at the time but
the feeling afterward was something like being 24 hours without sleep, but it lasted for
days. I want to be clear, I'm not much of a victim. People have truly horrifying things
done to them over long periods of time. I got only a taste, but I do know what it means
being afraid to say the wrong thing or upset the person or talk to anyone. Maybe I'm weak
but I still physically tense up thinking about that person or if I see their name somewhere.

I like to think I learned a few things, even though I don't want to appropriate the word
"victim", I understand why victims stay silent. There's a feeling which isn't exactly
fear or shame or guilt, its just bad. I consider myself a reasonably courageous person,
I have a tenancy to say what most people won't, but this time all of my courage vanished.
I know what its like to not be interested in vengeance or justice or even protecting
others, I still don't want to create controversy by naming the person involved and unlike
probably millions of people, I am in no actual danger at all. I understand why victims
don't prosecute or talk.

There is a lot of legalistic navel-gazing going on. People (mostly men) love to play
thought experiments about the definition of consent and the little details about when
interaction becomes harassement and what exactly constitutes verbal abuse. As far as I can
tell, there is no set of rules which can cover everything. Abuse can be mind games, guilt
trips or threats hidden under seemingly normal language. There is just no legal line we
can draw. This is not to say that every time someone feels uncomfortable, punishment is in
order. The point is that this type of behavior simply transcends our ideas of black and
white - crime and punishment, and we don't have any social structure to handle it.

I also had a re-affirmation of something I already intellectually knew: abusers never die.
If a person uses power over somebody else, they will do it again and again and again. Many
promise to change, some apologize, I have never heard of one who actually changed. I could
have spared myself from this story had I been more attentive; there were signs, hearing
conquest stories about playing with partners' emotions should have tipped me off but I
thought I was untouchable.

In the end, I've become a lot more sensitive to people who say a boundary has been crossed
and I hope my thoughts might contribute somehow to evolution of a better society.

Caleb

You are not a victim at all, cjd. Not in any way. Let's be clear about that.

Accusations of rape are completely meaningless in the modern era. Parking tickers are regarded more seriously.