ERMAHGERD IF/ELSE! $raceWriter('Message to console or file.');

gistfile1.php

<?php
$velocities = array("turtle", "donkey", "rabbit");

$mode = isset($argv[1]) ? $argv[1] : 'console';
$file = isset($argv[2]) ? $argv[2] : '';
$fp = null;

$raceWriters = array(
    'file' => function($output)use($file, $fp){
        if(!$fp) $fp = fopen($file, 'a+');
        fwrite($fp, $output);
    },
    'console' => function($output){
        echo $output;
    },
);

$raceWriter = function($output)use($raceWriters, $mode, $file, $fp){
    $writer = $raceWriters[$mode];
    $writer($output);
};

$players = array(
  '1' => array(
    'name' => 'Foo',
    'velocity' => $velocities[rand(0,2)], 
    'actions' => array(),
    ),
  '2' => array(
    'name' => 'Bar',
    'velocity' => $velocities[rand(0,2)],
    'actions' => array(),
    ),
);

$raceWriter("(player 1) {$players['1']['name']} :: will go as fast as a {$players['1']['velocity']}\r\n");
$raceWriter("(player 2) {$players['2']['name']} :: will go as fast as a {$players['2']['velocity']}\r\n");

$actionsFunc = function(){
    return array(
        array('action' => 'stumbles', 'distance' => 0 ),
        array('action' => 'leaps', 'distance' => rand(1,3) ),
        array('action' => 'strides', 'distance' => rand(1,3) ),
        array('action' => 'sprints', 'distance' => rand(3,15) ),
        array('action' => 'falls', 'distance' => 0 ),
        array('action' => 'shuffles', 'distance' => rand(1,2) ),
        array('action' => 'walks', 'distance' => rand(1,4) ),
        array('action' => 'runs', 'distance' => rand(2,7) ),
        array('action' => 'skips', 'distance' => rand(1,2) ),
        array('action' => 'gasps', 'distance' => 0 ),
        array('action' => 'cavorts', 'distance' => rand(1,3) ),
        array('action' => 'dances', 'distance' => rand(1,3) ),
        array('action' => 'pauses', 'distance' => 0 ),
        array('action' => 'zips', 'distance' => rand(1,5) ),
        array('action' => 'zooms', 'distance' => rand(1,5) ),
        array('action' => 'collapses', 'distance' => 0 ),
        array('action' => 'faceplants', 'distance' => 0 ),
      );
};

$track_length = rand(50, 1000);

$playerDistance =
function($player){
  $distance = 0;
  foreach($player['actions'] as $action)
    $distance += $action['distance'];
  return $distance;
};


$milesPerTurn = function($player)use($playerDistance) {
    return round($playerDistance($player) / count($player['actions']),2);
};

$raceEnded =
function($players)use($playerDistance, $track_length){
  
  $p1_distance = $playerDistance($players['1']);
  $p2_distance = $playerDistance($players['2']);
  
  if( $p1_distance >= $track_length && $p2_distance >= $track_length ) return true;
  
  return false;
};

$raceWriter("AND THEY'RE OFF!!!!!!!!!!\r\n");
$raceWriter("---------------------------------------------------------\r\n");

$round = 0;
while(!$raceEnded($players)) {
    $round++;
    foreach($players as $index => &$player)
    {
        $actions = $actionsFunc();
        $randomAction = $actions[mt_rand(0, count($actions)-1)];
        $player['actions'][] = $randomAction;
        $raceWriter("ROUND $round > (player " . $index . ") " . $player['name'] . " :: who is as fast as a " . $player['velocity'] . " just " . $randomAction['action'] . " for " . $randomAction['distance'] . " mile(s)\r\n");
    }
}

$raceWriter("---------------------------------------------------------\r\n");

$distance1 = $playerDistance($players['1']);
$distance2 = $playerDistance($players['2']);
if($distance1 === $distance2)
{
    $raceWriter("It's a tie! Both players travelled " . $distance1 . " over " . $round . " rounds.\r\n");
} else {
        
    $winner = $distance1 > $distance2 ? array('index' => '1', 'player' => $players['1']) : array('index' => '2', 'player' => $players['2']);
    $raceWriter("(player " . $winner['index'] . ") " . $winner['player']['name'] . " :: who is as fast as a " . $winner['player']['velocity'] ." WON!\r\n");
    $raceWriter($playerDistance($winner['player']) . " miles travelled in " . $round . " rounds.\r\n");
    $raceWriter("SPEED: " . $milesPerTurn($winner['player']) . " MPT (miles per turn)\r\n");
}


if($fp) fclose($fp);