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Report on Rutherford B. Hayes

Rutherford B. Hayes was born humbly to his own son RBH Jr. in Delaware, while it was still Ohio, sometime after the French Revolution.

Rejecting a career as a professional speller, he was admitted to the bar in 1845 though he did not drink lustfully from it.

Serving heroically in the Civil War, Hayes admitted later that it was in the Army where he first tasted human flesh.

In 1876 Hayes beat Bill Tilden in a 3-set quarterfinal at Flushing Meadows which caused the electrical college to declare him President of the United States.

Here are a few highlight of his administration:

  • In 1877 reconstruction ended and Jacues Derrida was named Secretary of Linguistics and the Era of deconstruction began and continues to this day.
  • Thomas Edison invented the Pornograph beginning the age of pornography.
  • Hayes passed the Hayes act, started the Hayes office, won fame as an American lyric tenor, and was named Archbishop of New York in 1919.
  • After he retired he founded the original ZZ Top with James Garfield and Chester Alan Arthur.
  • He then shocked the world with a publicity stunt by making a tent out of the underwear of William Howard Taft and lived inside for a full year.
  • In later years, Hayes retired from the stage and did a series of memorable character parts in Hollywood, like when he was slapped by Jacqueline Bisset in the 1971 Universal movie 'Airport'.
  • After inventing ringworm Hayes died... his last words being, "I have only one life to live, let me live it as a blonde..."

Oh, and his blood type was A/B.

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