Childcare: Strangers

No need to do all of these, more of a list of ideas…

Checks:

Hunger
Thirst
Sleep
Noise
Light
Temprature
Clothing (comfortable)

Being at home might be more comfortable (consider music they like, something generic to watch on TV; home can be less busy, child knows the layout well, have established safe zones; e.g. stranger only meets in living room); but home could be seen as an invasion of their safe space, in which case try somewhere else (some kids prefer somewhere quiet/focused, some prefer background noise/distractions). Also consider places they have been before vs somewhere new (children can go into a general “exploring” mode, where everything can be different/unusual, but if nervous this tends to be a short period of time, and list items above can make this harder to achieve).

Stranger:

Have a shower; no strong/unusual smells; consider using the same laundry detergent (and/or fabric softener).
If shaving, have a shave (smooth) but be careful of strong smelling aftershave.
Clothing; neutral is normally best, but some children prefer blight and colourful (ref people they see on TV), can be interesting, maybe avoid things that cover face/hands, some kids like interesting makeup (but consider how the parent will react, the child will often mirror their initial reaction).
Buy a new/interesting toy; do not play with the child’s toys initially (already theirs, don’t want defending behaviour).

Action, when not at home:

Go to place, probably before the child; stranger sits/lies on the ground (to be lower than the child), don’t directly face entrance, try to have multiple exits for the child (or a big space, maybe a field), play with the new toy (if another child can also play with new toy/stranger, that would be ideal, it shows they are having fun and can trust the stranger).
Safe person (e.g. parent) enters with child, ideally with a friend/sibling who they also trust, ideally they walk themselves, and with a toy they like to play with (not their favourite, but they can have their always on them comfort toy/blanket/etc).
Do not stop or falter, do not talk to or about the stranger, just say “hi name” to acknowledge their existence, and that you know them; they are there, but nothing to worry about, child may ask questions (that’s fine), but go to a different area and play with the child, with the stranger in their line of vision (too the side; directly in front can be too much at first, and directly behind can feel threatening).

Action, when at home:

Safe person (and often the child) welcomes stranger in to the home, stranger keeps their focus on safe person (let the child observe).
Go sit down, ideally on the floor, ideally at child’s height or lower.

Action, common:

Wait, and keep an eye on where the child is looking. If they are showing signs of being scared of the stranger (staring at, or clearly looking away) then give more time, if their fear reaction is getting worse abort and try another day (maybe a different location, sometimes having time to sleep/think is all they need).
After a while, when the child is playing, you can have a gentle (tone of voice) conversation with the stranger, not about the child, just how life is going, weather, future plans, etc. But safe person must always break the conversation and return focus to the child if they ask questions or want attention (they need to know they are being listened to).
If they are glancing at the stranger, ideally interest, gently suggest (can be body language or words) they can go and see what the stranger is doing.
If the child approaches the stranger, the stranger should keep focus on the toy they are playing with, answer any questions, can glance at the child but keep minimal eye contact, remain on the floor; invite the child to play with the toy (probably best with body language, e.g. moving to the side to give the child space).
If the child does not approach the stranger themselves, the safe person can approach instead (child may follow, or keep playing with their toy).
If neither work (and probably more on the second attempt), the stranger, while initially talking to the safe person, could come over and sit on the floor (being low), and at some point (not immediately, the stress levels in the child need to go down again) they can ask the child what they are doing. If the child answers, the stranger can move on to playing with the toy, but be careful, this is the child’s toy. The strangers toy will probably be more useful at this point. In both cases the stranger should spend most time looking at the toy (brief eye contact with the child is fine).

At the end, assuming the strangers toy was interesting to the child, it can be a gift to them.

With a bit of repetition, this careful approach shouldn’t be needed as much, typically on the 3rd attempt the child should recognise the pattern, and it should be a lot faster and easier. If things get worse, try something else - they might still need time, a completely different environment, a different stranger, a different safe person, or different support roles (e.g. having their siblings present, or their friends), none of this is personal, it’s often down to other factors.