Hello, I'm the irate video game geek and I play it so you don't have to. Now that we have the blatant ripoffs out of the way, let's continue with some more blatant ripoffs.
Japan. Technological land of marvel. Home of anime. And sushi. And gender-reversed Sailor Moon tentacle rape hentai. Whatever it is the Japanese do you can be sure they're imaginative. They came up with Aibo, Gundam and genre-defining video games like Final Fantasy and Dance Dance Revolution.
And the latter genre, rhythm games, is the one containing the little gem I'm going to introduce to you today, Kira Kira Pop Princess. blinks With a name like that it HAS to be good!
Unlike what you might think, this is neither a Death Note game nor does it contain the security chief of Deep Space Nine. "Kira Kira" is actually Japanese for "sparkling", unlike "Kira", which is simply the Japanese way of pronouncing "killer". Yes, the Japanese have severe issues with sparkling stuff.
The game was originally released under the name "Pinky Street: Kira Kira ☆ Music Hour" by a company called Dimple Entertainment. While I personaly associate "Dimple entertainment" with something else [Image: Dimple Whisky] these guys actually are a real company with many released and upcoming titles in the Japanese market, for example "Loveroot Zero: Kiss Kiss ☆ Labyrinth"... and... "LoveDrops"...
Excuse me, but when a company called "Dimple Entertainment" with titles like "LoveDrops" releases dance games for teenaged girls that's a little bit creepy to me. I know things and especially tastes are a little bit different in Japan but I seriously hope that I won't find any "LoveDrops" in THIS game.
The first thing that catches the eye - apart from the game's deep, unrequited love of the color pink - is the slogan "Dress up, touch, /lɪv/!". Well, since this game seems to be targeted towards teenaged girls it's safe to assume that it will be about dressing up, doing things with the touch screen and living and frolicking about. What a perfectly harmless slogan!
Now let's boot up this game. starts DS
[Clip: KKPP title screen with slogan "Dress up, touch, /laɪv/!"]
stares Dress up, touch, /LAIV/?! looks at camera Well, excuse me, Dimple, but there is a slight difference between "Dress up, touch, /lɪv/!" and "Dress up, touch, /laɪv/!". One of the two has connotations entirely inappropriate for teenaged girls in the Western world. Guess which! I'll give you a hint: It's not the first one.
We're just five seconds into this game and I already fear it's going to try to talk me into molesting myself. Am I happy my DS doesn't have a built-in camera!
[Clip: Text scroller intro]
Anyway, I just started a new game and am treated to the world's smallest intro scroller. It doesn't really bode well for a 2006 game when it's [Clip: C64 text scroller] being outperformed by a Commodore 64 right at the beginning.
In short we're in $CITY, some kind of feminist utopia where apparently dancing is the most important job of all. Or something. I ersonally think they just looked for an excuse to make everything pink.
[Clip: Profile settings]
You then gat to create a profile. Everything you enter here is completely inconsequential, right down to the blood type. Fun fact: You can change all of thi in mid-game, again including the blood type. Having all of your blood replaced with someone else's amazingly does not cause you to die from blood clots in all major organs in this game.
[Clip: Intro]
After the story has finally scrolled through four lines at a time we meet our protagonist, Gaby. Gaby is your average airhead: Overly excitable, completely untaleted in anything and somewhat clumsy. She also wants to become the world's greatest dancer, despite having absolutely no talent or rhythm whatsoever. She is so focused on her... let's call it art, that she didn't bother to make any money to buy food. As a result she gets so hungry that she does a sideflip and faints.
looks at camera You know, I've been hungry before and I never felt compelled to do a sideflip. But then again I never fainted from hunger, so I don't really know if sideflips are customary in that case. Must be a Japanese thing.
[Clip: Intro]
Anyhow, she then wakes up in Angela.
loos at camera, tired You know, Dimple, you're really making this way too easy.
[Clip: Intro]
So, in Angela she is. Amazingly, Angela is not some underage girl you have to dress up and touch but rather the dance club owned by your friend and the world's best dancer, $DANCER. She's looking for someone to take over the club for her while she leaves for greener pastures. Of course the least talented dancer in the world is exactly the right coice for the job. If you ask what dancing has to do with running a club: I have no idea and neither has the game. However, running a dance club appears to be fairly easy in $CITY as pretty much everyone runs one.
looks at camera puts a bottle of booze and a shot glass into the frame Hey, kids! Let's play the Kira Kira Pop Princess drinking game! It's simple:
[Clip: KKPP gesture] Every time a character makes this gesture, drink a shot!
[Clip: Someone jumps into the frame] Every time someone who should be standing right next to you jumps into the frame, drink a shot!
[Clip: Gaby angry, then immediately happy] Every time someone is angry but immediately begins to grin like an idiot again, drink a shot!
Trust me, you'll be hammered before the intro is over. Just for reference, we currently have a backlog of $NUM shots. fills the glass and drinks Cheers.
Every time one of the above conditions occures, a "Drink!" icon flashes on the screen.
The bottle empties over time.
[Clip: KKPP intro]
The only person without a club of her own is this girly, $RIVAL. She antagonizes you through devious methods such as... [Clip: KKPP intro cat] pretending the cat is talking to you. And Gaby falls for it.
looks at camera Hey, I'M the one chugging down excessive amounts of liquor here and I'm still half a bottle away from falling for something that stupid.
TBC