pirate.php

<?php

$english = arr(
	strr('Hello X'),
	strr('Goodbye X')
);

$pirate = $english
	->replace('/Hello/', 'Avast')
	->replace('/Goodbye/', 'Was good te see ye')
	->replace('/X/', 'matey!')
	->split('/\s+/')
	;

foreach($pirate as $saying)
	echo $saying."\n";

// ---

function arr()
{
	return new PirateArray(func_get_args());
}

function strr($str)
{
	return new PirateString($str);
}

class PirateArray extends ArrayObject
{
	public function __invoke($callback)
	{
		return new self(array_map($callback, $this->getArrayCopy()));
	}

	public function __call($name, $args)
	{
		return new self(array_map(
			function ($e) use ($name, $args) {
				return call_user_func_array(array($e, $name), $args);
			},
			$this->getArrayCopy()));
	}

	public function __get($name)
	{
		return new self(array_map(function($e) use ($name) { return $e->$name; }, $this->getArrayCopy()));
	}

	public function __toString()
	{
		return '['.implode(', ', $this->getArrayCopy()).']';
	}
}

class PirateString
{
	private $_string;
	public function __construct($str = '')
	{
		$this->_string = $str;
	}

	public function match($regex)
	{
		if (preg_match($regex, $this->_string, $matches))
			return new PirateArray($matches);

		return null;
	}

	public function replace($regex, $replacement)
	{
		return new self(preg_replace($regex, $replacement, $this->_string));
	}

	public function split($regex)
	{
		return new PirateArray(preg_split($regex, $this->_string));
	}

	public function __call($name, $args)
	{
		return new self(call_user_func($name, $this->_string));
	}

	public function __toString()
	{
		return (string)$this->_string;
	}
}