Neo-Yow!

neoyow.sh

#!/bin/sh

yow_url=https://raw.githubusercontent.com/shlomif/fortune-mod/eeea80856c35f1e4487eed3e59829539eb12c07b/fortune-mod/datfiles/zippy

all_yows() {
  test -e './yow.dat' || curl --silent $yow_url | sed -E 's#(.)%#\1\\%#g' > yow.dat
  cat yow.dat
}

total_yow_count() {
  all_yows | grep '^%$' | wc -l
}

yow_index=$(( ( RANDOM % $(total_yow_count) ) ))

all_yows | while read -d% yow; do
  if [ $yow_index -eq 0 ]; then
    echo $yow
    break
  else
    (( yow_index-- ))
  fi
done

Demo:

➜ drench@goo:~/Code
% curl --silent https://gist.githubusercontent.com/drench/95eecafea8bb945f475692c5fa9ede66/raw/721554d86466f2ece4c17a66cb7f4fdd1ea1fa46/neoyow.sh > neoyow.sh
➜ drench@goo:~/Code
% chmod +x neoyow.sh
➜ drench@goo:~/Code
% ./neoyow.sh
There's a little picture of ED MCMAHON doing BAD THINGS to JOAN RIVERS in a $200,000 MALIBU BEACH HOUSE!!
➜ drench@goo:~/Code
% ./neoyow.sh
Bo Derek ruined my life!
➜ drench@goo:~/Code
% ./neoyow.sh
Look into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge card!
➜ drench@goo:~/Code
% ./neoyow.sh
Well, O.K. I'll compromise with my principles because of EXISTENTIAL DESPAIR!