Bullet-by-bullet response to http://www.latimes.com/home/la-hm-erskine-20151010-column.html
• I am entitled to nothing.
Every person is entitled to food and a safe home, among many, many other things.
• I will show up on time.
Shit happens sometimes?
• I will not shun comedians or college commencement speakers just because I don't agree with them.
I will eagerly shun any person who is racist, sexist, homophobic, or transphobic, among innumerable other things.
If you have a problem with that, please stay very, very far away from me.
• Just once, I will try driving without texting.
I'll let you mostly have this one, since it is a safety problem. But fuck you and your condescending attitude, and also the idea that this is only done by millenials.
• Just once, I will try eating without texting.
oi. This one is just a personal preference. Get the fuck over yourself.
• I will not consider the cilantro on my taco to be a vegetable.
What the fuck kind of fancy tacos are you having? Seriously -- they seem far more interesting than mine.
• I will learn to laugh at everything, especially myself.
I'm laughing at you. How am I doing?
• When meeting someone for the first time, I will always look him or her in the eye.
Okay, some people really have trouble looking people in the eye.
Such as myself.
Maybe don't be a fucking prick about that fact, yeah?
• I will not burn bridges.
We're talking metaphorically here, right? I will gladly burn bridges with assholes. Like, say, people who make extremely condesending lists like this.
• I will not burn overpasses.
oi. You are definitely not a good comedian.
• Each year, I will pen at least one thank-you note, using what's left of my cursive writing skills.
*extravagant jerking off motion*
• I will be resourceful, creative and authentic.
*continues extravagant jerking off motion*
• I will vote. Always.
Wait, why is this in a list specific to millenials?
• I will (mostly) swear off smut.
Why is smut bad, again?
• I will not be smut.
See above.
• I will learn all my siblings' names (even the younger ones).
... what?
Also, some people have trouble remembering things?
• I will not spend an entire weekend exploring my own mouth with a coffee straw.
I'm not sure what you're trying to get at here.
Also, that actually sounds rather enjoyable?
• I will learn to pick my battles.
Says the person who wrote the "millenial pledge."
• When I don't get my way, I will learn to roll with it.
Says the person who wrote the "millenial pledge."
• I will not go on a job interview in shorts and flip-flops, even if "this job is so beneath me."
wut
• Nothing is beneath me.
Actually, it would appear you consider damn near everything beneath you.
• I promise not to misuse the word "literally." As in "I am literally dying of hunger" or "You are literally being so rude."
You are literally a sentient bag of shit.
• If my first-born is a boy, I promise not to name him Uber.
I hope you live long, die of old age, and on your death bed are surrounded exclusively by people named "Uber" and "Lyft" and "Yellowcab".
• When I finally move out of my parents' home, I will not take all their vodka and half their towels.
Is this... is this a thing you did? Do you regret doing this to your parents?
Or is that a thing your child did, and this is a quiet admission you're not actually a millenial? (Which you're definitely not.)
• I will not use crowd-funding to pay for my first car.
And why not?
• If I can't afford car insurance, I won't spend $20 a day on coffee.
And where do you get off dictating how somebody spends their money?
Also holy shit you need to find a less ridiculous coffee shop.
• I won't give only gift cards for Christmas.
I fucking love getting gift cards. It beats someone getting you shit you don't want and have to return, exchange, or re-gift.
Also most of my friends are as bad off as I am and don't even get people cards, let alone gifts, because they can't afford to or can't justify that much effort. Why is this a problem? *shrug*
• I won't sneak texts during funerals even if it's "totally boring and the bereaved is just lying there anyway."
I'll give you this one. With exceptions for emergencies. No, you, shut the fuck up: there are things important enough to justify it.
Also, seriously, fuck your condescending bullshit attitude.
• At holiday dinners, I will leave my phone in my room.
I will most certainly not.
• All those T-shirts? I will wash them.
Okay, first off, some people have trouble washing clothes because of physical disabilities. Some have trouble with it because of mental health making it hard to do much of anything.
Now, let's set all of that aside.
Why the fuck do you care and why do you get to dictate that?
• I will not use pepper spray to season a burrito.
Wait, what?
• I will not run up my credit cards.
oi.
• I will save 10% of everything I earn.
There have been exactly three months where I could justify doing that in my entire life.
• If I hate my new job, I will not fake my own death. I will give a full two weeks' notice like grown-ups usually do.
Oddly, the only people I've heard of doing this are 30-something year old white men.
• I will force myself to finally make a phone call.
Have you ever thought that maybe some people don't like phones?
Or have trouble processing speech -- either on phones, or in general?
Or have trouble speaking clearly, and thus aren't understood well on phones?
Or other things that make this difficult?
Or all of the above? (Hi.)
• In high school or college, I will get a part-time job. Even if it's beneath me.
Some people literally cannot do that? I certainly couldn't, most of the time.
• Again, nothing is beneath me.
You seem to consider a hell of a lot of things beneath you, actually.
• Well, most things are not beneath me.
I repeat myself.
• I promise not to text anything of life-changing significance: a marriage proposal, a divorce decree, a positive result.
I asked out both of my girlfriends on Skype. Also I met them on Twitter and haven't met them in-person yet. You were saying?
• When I get my way, I will be grateful and not assume that I will always get my way.
"I will [...] not assume that I will always get my way," Says the person who wrote this list.
• I will always remember Aristotle's quote: "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."
oiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
You don't have to entertain bullshit. And I won't.
• At least once a week, I will hug my mom the way I hug my friends every single time I see them.
My mom is an abusive, manipulative, racist, transphobic asshole I was forced to live with for 21 years. My friends are none of those, and I chose them. Try again.
• I will do nice things just because.
Says the person who wrote this list.
• I will live each day.
...
• I will sleep each night.
If you add the word "try" in there, I may be able to let this one slide.
• I am entitled to nothing but that.
You seem to feel very, very entitled.