I'm writing in response to events that have recently come to light involving a sexual assault at a tech conference. Background information can be found here, here, and here as well as on twitter and google.
I've been watching this from the sidelines, and I've been wrestling with several questions that I can't seem to shake and that I really don't have answers to.
I wear many hats, both in the tech community and others. I'm a coder, a speaker, a user group organizer, a conference organizer, and even a boss. Each of those roles colors how I see this, but there's one role that is overpowering in my reaction.
See, I'm a Dad. A dad of two beautiful and innocent girls who are 3 and 2. They have their whole lives in front of them and so the questions I'm struggling with are:
#1 How do I ensure this never happens to them?
#2 What would I tell a 25 year old version of my daughter to do if she told me this happened to her? (And what would I do?)
I realize that #1 is a pretty standard parent worry, especially for dads of girls. I cannot stop life from happening to my girls. From the great prophet Dorie in Finding Nemo:
"That's a funny thing thing to promise...you can't never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun for little Harpo. [Nemo]"
Still, the world that awaits them is not good enough. Not for my girls. Not by a long shot.
This is true of the professional world where I've seen and heard too many women marginalized at best and taken advantage of at worst by men drunk on power, self-importance, or alcohol.
This is also true in my favorite subset of that world, technology. While I actually do see major strides being made here, often more swiftly than the corporate world in general, it's clear that there is still a lot of work to be done.
But I am not powerless here. I have some influence in these worlds. So what do I do with it?
#2 What would I tell a 25 year old version of my daughter to do if she told me this happened to her?
First off, for one of my daughters to feel like they could tell me this is no small thing. To be trusted at this level is a hard thing and not the science I would like it to be. A strong foundation is at least a place to start.
There are a set of statements I rotate through telling my girls, usually around bedtime, but sometimes just because:
- "I love you."
- "You're beatiful on the inside and outside."
- "You're a great thinker."
- "I'm proud of you."
"There's nothing you could ever tell me that would make me love you less" is going in that rotation. I've already tried it a few times. It's amazing how quickly our oldest responded: "What if I told you something really bad?" "Yes I would still love you just as much." "Oh wow!"
I know it's the longest one on the list, but I think it's probably worth trying.
And that makes me feel better but it it doesn't answer my question of what I would tell them to do. When do you involve HR? the police? the public? These are really hard questions.
I was floored by this tweet and the replies to it. I had no idea reporting sexual assalt to HR was a job killer. Wow.
What I do know is that, having recently walked alongside a close friend making decisions at the intersection of employment, morality, legality, and community, people faced with these choices do not take them lightly. The paths they have to choose from have no absolutes, no binary. They alone bear the full reaction of those paths. Because of this, I believe they are to be supported in whatever paths and choices they make. (Given the choice is not physically harmful.)
And so, if my daughter were to ever tell me something like this happened to her I hope to be thorough in an exploration of the avenues available to her and then support her in the path she chooses. If that's HR, I'll help ensure she's well equiped for the initial process and the months after. If it's a legal process, I'll help ensure she's prepared for that as well. If that's a blog post, I'll make sure it's got the best SEO.
After wrestling with those all week, I think I've come to a single question to work on going forward:
"How can I create a professional world that I'm excited for my daughters to enter?"
This sound ridiculously big, but all things worth pursuing are.
In part due it's audacity, my answers are slow to form. My actions are carefully weighed and taken with care. I will make missteps and hope to either recognize them on my own or be shown them by my peers. But it's worth it. It has to be.
So please do not mistake my quiet approach to this as indifference or acceptance. Because this wasn't just some incident at some conference. This is a potential future for my girls, and it deserves so much more than a 140 character rant or upvote on Hacker News. It deserves my time and attention, the dedication of my resources and care.
As a small sign of that, I've associated this post with the most powerful professional resource I have, my GitHub account.
- Mark McSpadden