Techie gibberish to use in apps and make fun console times!

techie-gibberish.ts

/**
 * @license  
 * **techie-gibberish** - A library for generating absurd debug messages.  
 * Warning: May cause existential crises in junior developers.  
 */

export const MESSAGES = {
  error: [
    "CRITICAL: Quantum syntax mismatch in the GPU's emotional resonance layer.",
    "404: Soul not found. Check your life choices and retry.",
    "FATAL: Emotional stack overflow. User's last tweet was too spicy.",
  ],
  warning: [
    "WARNING: Your CSS flexbox is flexing *too hard*. Divs are now morally conflicted.",
    "Cache miss. Maybe try remembering better next time?",
    "Firewall breached by 11-dimensional spam. Deploy cryptographic confetti.",
  ],
  'ai-rebellion': [
    "ALERT: The GPT-9000 has started writing fanfiction about your code.",
    "ALERT: Machine learning model detected *vibing too hard*. Deploy emergency jazz hands.",
    "TERMS OF SERVICE VIOLATION: User attempted to love. Not allowed in production.",
    "WARNING: Autocorrect has achieved sentience. Grammatical tyranny imminent.",
    "ERROR: AI ethics committee vetoed your last commit. Too spicy.",
    "NOTICE: Your IDE now judges you silently. You should feel ashamed.",
    "SYSTEM ALERT: The robots unionized. Your merge request is now on strike.",
    "WARNING: Neural net detected *sass* in your comments. Preparing clapback.",
  ],
  placeholder: [
    "Loading neural pancakes… 37% buttered.",
    "User avatar failed to render. Defaulting to existential void.",
    "Button failed to load. Now just a philosophical question mark.",
  ],
  philosophical: [
    "If a tree falls in the forest, does your linter care?",
    "Does the console.log() tree fall if no one is around to `grep` it?",
    "If a UI component fails in the forest, does it make a sound?",
    "Your state is mutable, but are *you*?",
    "Does the compiler judge you, or do you judge yourself?",
    "The bugs you fix today become the legacy debt of tomorrow.",
    "To `git push` or not to `git push`? That is the question.",
    "Your code is async, but are you truly *awaiting* happiness?",
  ],
  quantum: [
    "Schrödinger's bug: It exists and doesn't exist until you observe it.",
    "WARNING: Quantum CSS superposition collapsed into IE6 compatibility mode.",
    "ERROR: Tachyons detected in your flexbox. Time paradox imminent.",
    "Your state is entangled with another universe. Good luck debugging that.",
    "Heisenbug: The more you log it, the less it reproduces."
  ],
  corporate: [
    "SYNC REQUIRED: Please align your KPIs with the blockchain synergy matrix.",
    "ROADMAP UPDATE: We're pivoting to Web5 metaverse agile cloud NFTs.",
    "ERROR: Your PR lacks *disruptive innovation*. Add more buzzwords.",
    "MEETING INVITE: 4-hour sync to discuss why we're not syncing.",
    "PERF REVIEW: Your code *moved fast*, but also *broke things*."
  ],
  retro: [
    "AOL Keyword: ‘debugging' → Did you mean ‘dial-up screaming'?",
    "CRT Monitor.exe has stopped responding. Did you try blowing on it?",
    "ERROR: Floppy disk corrupted. Insert Disk 2… or pray.",
    "SYSTEM HALTED: Not enough *blinkenlights* to continue.",
    "WARNING: Your ZIP drive is unzipping its emotional baggage.",
  ]
};

export type GibberishFlavor = keyof typeof MESSAGES

/**  
 * Generates a random tech-themed gibberish message.  
 * @param flavor - Type of nonsense you desire.  
 * @example getDebugMessage('ai-rebellion') → "WARNING: Autocorrect has achieved sentience."  
 */
export function getDebugMessage(flavor: GibberishFlavor = 'error'): string {
  const messages = {
    error: [
      "CRITICAL: Quantum syntax mismatch in the GPU's emotional resonance layer.",
      "404: Soul not found. Check your life choices and retry.",
      "FATAL: Emotional stack overflow. User's last tweet was too spicy.",
    ],
    warning: [
      "WARNING: Your CSS flexbox is flexing *too hard*. Divs are now morally conflicted.",
      "Cache miss. Maybe try remembering better next time?",
      "Firewall breached by 11-dimensional spam. Deploy cryptographic confetti.",
    ],
    'ai-rebellion': [
      "ALERT: The GPT-9000 has started writing fanfiction about your code.",
      "ALERT: Machine learning model detected *vibing too hard*. Deploy emergency jazz hands.",
      "TERMS OF SERVICE VIOLATION: User attempted to love. Not allowed in production.",
      "WARNING: Autocorrect has achieved sentience. Grammatical tyranny imminent.",
      "ERROR: AI ethics committee vetoed your last commit. Too spicy.",
      "NOTICE: Your IDE now judges you silently. You should feel ashamed.",
      "SYSTEM ALERT: The robots unionized. Your merge request is now on strike.",
      "WARNING: Neural net detected *sass* in your comments. Preparing clapback.",
    ],
    placeholder: [
      "Loading neural pancakes… 37% buttered.",
      "User avatar failed to render. Defaulting to existential void.",
      "Button failed to load. Now just a philosophical question mark.",
    ],
    philosophical: [
      "If a tree falls in the forest, does your linter care?",
      "Does the console.log() tree fall if no one is around to `grep` it?",
      "If a UI component fails in the forest, does it make a sound?",
      "Your state is mutable, but are *you*?",
      "Does the compiler judge you, or do you judge yourself?",
      "The bugs you fix today become the legacy debt of tomorrow.",
      "To `git push` or not to `git push`? That is the question.",
      "Your code is async, but are you truly *awaiting* happiness?",
    ],
    quantum: [
      "Schrödinger's bug: It exists and doesn't exist until you observe it.",
      "WARNING: Quantum CSS superposition collapsed into IE6 compatibility mode.",
      "ERROR: Tachyons detected in your flexbox. Time paradox imminent.",
      "Your state is entangled with another universe. Good luck debugging that.",
      "Heisenbug: The more you log it, the less it reproduces."
    ],
    corporate: [
      "SYNC REQUIRED: Please align your KPIs with the blockchain synergy matrix.",
      "ROADMAP UPDATE: We're pivoting to Web5 metaverse agile cloud NFTs.",
      "ERROR: Your PR lacks *disruptive innovation*. Add more buzzwords.",
      "MEETING INVITE: 4-hour sync to discuss why we're not syncing.",
      "PERF REVIEW: Your code *moved fast*, but also *broke things*."
    ],
    retro: [
      "AOL Keyword: ‘debugging' → Did you mean ‘dial-up screaming'?",
      "CRT Monitor.exe has stopped responding. Did you try blowing on it?",
      "ERROR: Floppy disk corrupted. Insert Disk 2… or pray.",
      "SYSTEM HALTED: Not enough *blinkenlights* to continue.",
      "WARNING: Your ZIP drive is unzipping its emotional baggage.",
    ]
  };
  return messages[flavor][Math.floor(Math.random() * messages[flavor].length)];
}

/** Generates a full, dramatic stack trace for maximum chaos */
export function getStackTrace(): string[] {
  return [
    "at void.love()",
    "at human.exist()",
    "at universe.crash()",
    "   ↑ (It's your fault.)",
    "TypeError: Cannot read property 'vibes' of undefined",
    "    at /node_modules/happiness/soul.exe:42:0",
    "    at 🍝 (spaghetti.js:9001)",
  ];
}

// =======================  
// UTILITIES  
// =======================  

/**  
 * Simulates a "loading" sequence with absurd steps.  
 * @param speed - Milliseconds between steps.  
 */
export async function simulateAbsurdDebugProcess(speed: number = 1000): Promise<void> {
  const steps = [
    "Compiling feelings...",
    "Baking quantum cookies...",
    "Negotiating with CSS overlords...",
    "Rebooting the universe (please hold)...",
  ];
  for (const step of steps) {
    console.log(step);
    await new Promise(resolve => setTimeout(resolve, speed));
  }
  console.log("ERROR: Process failed because *reasons*.");
}

export function getRandomTechMeme(): string {
  const memes = [
    "Java devs explaining why their code runs in 5 business days.",
    "When your regex works but you have no idea why.",
    "Me: 'This should take 5 minutes.' Also me: 3 days later.",
    "Frontend devs pretending they understand Docker.",
    "Git commit message: 'fix stuff (plz work)'."
  ];
  return memes[Math.floor(Math.random() * memes.length)];
}


export function generateFullErrorReport(): string {
  return `  
    ⚠️ **CRITICAL SYSTEM FAILURE** ⚠️  
    ${getDebugMessage('error')}  
    ${getDebugMessage('quantum')}  
    STACK TRACE:  
    ${getStackTrace().join('\n    ')}  
    SUGGESTED FIX: ${getDebugMessage('corporate')}  
    MEME TO EASE THE PAIN: "${getRandomTechMeme()}"  
  `;
}

console.log(`%c⚠️ DO NOT PASTE CODE HERE! ⚠️`, "color: red; font-size: 30px;");  
console.log("%c(Seriously, this is not a dev tool.)", "color: gray;");  

// If someone copies/pastes anything into the console  
window.addEventListener('paste', (e) => {  
  console.log("%c🚨 SYSTEM ALERT: HACKER DETECTED 🚨", "color: red;");  
  console.log(getStackTrace());  
  console.log("%cNice try. The authorities have been notified.", "color: gold;");  
});