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gistfile1.txt

davesecretarystillatwork posted this on July 19th, 2007 @ 11:41:59 am 

KYLE AND I HAVE A DUMB INSIDE JOKE THAT HAS BEEN WITH US FOR NEARLY FIFTEEN YEARS NOW.
WHENEVER WE WALK BY A LARGE AMOUNT OF YELLOW SNOW ONE OF US HAS TO SAY "I
DON'T KNOW, MAYBE A SQUIRREL PEED THERE".

ALRIGHT SO ONE COLD WINTERY AFTERNOON WHEN I WAS 9 OR 10 KYLE AND I DECIDE TO
ENTERTAIN OURSELF BY GETTING OUR OTHER NEIGHBOR, EVAN, TO DRINK PEE. WE HAVE A
BRILLIANT AND TOTALLY ORIGINAL PLAN WHICH LARGELY INVOLVES TELLING EVAN IT'S
"APPLE JUICE". TO MAKE THINGS SEEM EVEN MORE NATURAL, WE DECIDE TO INVITE HIM
UP INTO OUR TREE FORT FIRST, AND THEN, IN THE SPIRIT OF COMRADERIE, PRESENT
HIM WITH A GLASS OF PEE.

THE NEXT STEP OBVIOUSLY INVOLVED PEEING IN A GLASS AND I DON'T FULLY REMEMBER
HOW EXACTLY THAT WENT DOWN, BUT I REMEMBER WE HAD TO TRANSFER PEE USING A
REMARKABLE AMOUNT OF CONTAINERS. I ALSO VAGUELY RECALL A BRIEF BUT INTERESTING
CONVERSATION REGARDING THE COLOR AND QUALITY OF EACH OTHER'S URINE ONCE WE HAD
RETURNED FROM OUR PARENT'S BATHROOMS WITH OUR BOTTLES. FUN STUFF. ANYWAY
TOGETHER WE MANAGED TO FILL UP A LARGE GLASS WITH PEE AND CAREFULLY MADE OUR
WAY TO THE TREE FORT. ONCE INSIDE WE PLACED THE JAR DOWN CAREFULLY ON A SMALL
TABLE WE HAD SALVAGED FROM THE GARBAGE, AND STARTED WALKING TO EVAN'S PLACE.

HALFWAY THERE I WAS SUDDENLY REALIZED A SERIOUS FLAW IN OUR OTHERWISE
INFALLIBLE PLAN. "KYLE!" I YELL OUT, "DON'T YOU THINK IT'LL LOOK WEIRD IF WE
GET EVAN UP INTO THE TREE FORT AND TELL HIM TO DRINK HIS "APPLE JUICE" IF WE
DON'T HAVE ANY OURSELVES?"

I HAVE TO RUN THIS THROUGH KYLE A FEW TIMES BEFORE HE UNDERSTANDS WHAT I'M
GETTING AT, BUT WHEN HE DOES FINALLY REALIZE WHAT'S GOING ON HE GETS INTO GEAR
AND WE RUN BACK HOME TO POUR TWO MORE GLASSES OF REAL APPLE JUICE. ONLY
NEITHER OF OUR PARENTS HAVE REAL APPLE JUICE, SO WE COMPROMISE AND FILL UP OUR
GLASSES WITH ORANGE JUICE, AND THEN PLACE THEM BY THE GLASS OF PEE. WE'RE NOW
BOTH CONVINCED THAT ANY SUSPICIONS ON BEHALF OF EVAN WILL BE THOROUGHLY
ALLEVIATED BY THE FACT THAT WE WILL DRINK A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT COLORED
BEVERAGE ALONGSIDE HIM.

WE GO OVER TO EVAN'S HOUSE AND KNOCK ON HIS DOOR. HIS MOM, A SUSPICIOUS AND
ANGRY WOMAN, ANSWERS AND WE ASK IF EVAN CAN COME OUT AND PLAY. EVAN IS
DELIGHTED AT THE IDEA. HIS MOM CASTS A FURIOUS GLANCE AT US AND SAYS "WHAT ARE
YOU THREE GOING TO DO". IN THE MOST INNOCENT AND BEGUILING VOICE I CAN MANAGE
I TELL THE ROTTEN WOMAN WE'RE GOING TO PLAY OUTSIDE. EVEN THOUGH WE'RE IN
GRADE 4, EVAN'S MOM WAS THE KIND OF WOMAN WHO BELIEVED THAT CHILDREN, IF NOT
MONITORED CONSTANTLY, WOULD IMMEDIATELY TAKE TO HABITUAL DRUG USAGE AND OTHER
LUDE VICES. ANYWAY, SINCE MOST OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS ALWAYS WANTED TO HANG
OUT WITH US, OBTAINING EVAN'S COMPANY ISN'T TOO DIFFICULT ONCE WE PLACATE HIS
MOTHER. SO THE THREE OF US START WALKING BACK TO KYLE'S PLACE. EVAN ASKS US
WHAT WE FEEL LIKE DOING. KYLE SUGGESTS THE TREE FORT. I CHIME IN WITH A "AND I
COULD GO FOR SOME JUICE - I'M THIRSTY" IN THE MOST NON-CHALANT WAY POSSIBLE.
EVAN AGREES AND WE ALL MAKE OUR WAY TO THE TREE FORT.

SO WE'RE ALL UP THERE AND KYLE'S LIKE "LET'S ALL HAVE SOME JUICE. HERE. THIS
ONE IS FOR YOU." AND I'M SAYING ALL SORTS OF EQUALLY CLEVER AND CONVINCING
DIALOGUE AND AFTER SOME CONFUSION WE'RE ALL STANDING IN THE TREE FORT LIKE
IDIOTS HOLDING OUR RESPECTIVE GLASSES OF ORANGE JUICE AND PEE. I'M STARTING TO
ACTUALLY GET KIND OF NERVOUS.

"WELL, THEN I START, WHEN SUDDENLY EVAN'S MOM SHATTERS THE PEACEFUL WINTER DAY
"AND CRIES OUT WHAT ARE YOU THREE DOING UP THERE!!!

EVAN IMMEDIATELY RESPONDS WITH "DRINKING!!"

EVAN'S MOM SCREETCHES BACK WITH AN EAR-SPLITTING "WHAT?!?!" AND PROCEEDS TO
START CLIMBING UP THE LADDER TO THE TREE FORT.

AT THIS POINT KYLE'S STEP-MOM (ALSO AN ANGRY WOMAN) STEPS OUTSIDE AND SEEING A
CHANCE TO YELL AT CHILDREN BELLOWS "YOU'RE DOING WHAT?!"

BEFORE I CAN DIFFUSE THE SITUATION, EVAN SINGS OUT "WE'RE DRINKING APPLE
JUICE!" KYLE'S STEP-MOM THEN YELLS OUT "WHEREDYA GET THE APPLE JUICE!??! WE
DON'T HAVE ANY APPLE JUICE!@!!"

AND KYLE YELLS BACK "I FOUND SOME"

OF COURSE THIS RESULTS IN THE THREE OF US GETTING 'CALLED IN' TO DISCUSS WHERE
EXACTLY WE GOT THE APPLE JUICE AND KYLE STUBBORNLY INSISTS HE "FOUND IT",
"SOMEWHERE" AND MIRACULOUSLY HIS STEP-MOM AND EVAN'S MOM HAVEN'T ACTUALLY
ASKED THAT WE BRING THE APPLE JUICE INSIDE FOR THEIR INSPECTION.

WE SORT OF KIND OF GET IN TROUBLE BUT ARE ALLOWED TO GO BACK OUTSIDE, SO WE
RETURN TO THE TREE FORT. AT THIS POINT IT'S DARK OUTSIDE BECAUSE CANADIAN
WINTERS ARE HORRIBLE AND IT'S CUSTOMARY FOR THE SUN TO GO DOWN AT LIKE 4:00PM
OR SOMETHING EQUALLY RIDICULOUS. WE ALL TRUNDLE OVER TO THE TREE FORT TO DRINK
OUR DRINKS (EVAN IS STILL INTO THIS FOR SOME REASON) ONLY TO FIND OUT NOBODY
CAN TELL WHICH OF THE THREE DRINKS CONTAINS THE PEE. NOT WILLING TO TAKE ANY
CHANCES, WE ALL DECIDE TO GO BACK TO THE HOUSE TO FIND A FLASHLIGHT.

YOU'D THINK BY NOW EVEN A SMALL ANIMAL WOULD HAVE HAD ITS SUSPICIONS
THOROUGHLY AROUSED BY ALL THE GODDAMNED POMP & CIRCUMSTANCE SURROUNDING THE
APPLE-JUICE-DRINKING, BUT IT'S ALL RIGHT OVER EVAN'S HEAD AND THE GAME'S STILL
AFOOT.

THE THREE OF US RUMMAGE AROUND IN KYLE'S GARAGE AND SOON ENOUGH WE FIND A
FLASHLIGHT. I'M EXHAUSTED AT THIS POINT BUT KYLE'S GOT A GLINT OF
DETERMINATION IN HIS EYE TO SEE THIS THING THROUGH, SO WE ONCE AGAIN RETURN TO
THE TREE FORT.

KYLE PUSHES THE BUTTON ON THE BOTTOM OF THE FLASHLIGHT AND POINTS THE BEAM AT
THE THREE GLASSES, NOW LIGHTLY FROSTED. THEN KYLE NOTICES HIS OWN BREATH. YOU
CAN'T SEE IT IN THE DARK, BUT IN THE BEAM OF THE FLASHLIGHT THE WARM AIR
EXHALED FROM HIS LUNGS TAKES ON MAGICAL SMOKY PROPERTIES AND ROLLS AROUND LIKE
SOMETHING OUT OF DREAM. WE ALL INSTANTLY FORGET OUR PLANS AND BEGAN PASSING
THE FLASHLIGHT AROUND AND EXHALING INTO IT.

AT THIS POINT EVAN'S FUCKING MOM RETURNS AGAIN AND YELLS OUT INTO THE DARK
"NOW WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

AND THAT GODDAMNED RETARD EVAN YELLS OUT "WE'RE SMOKING!!"

AND EVAN'S MOM ONCE AGAIN SHRIEKS OUT "WHAT?!" AND BEGANS CHARGING TOWARDS THE
TREEFORT LIKE A RHINO IN THE DARKNESS, AND KYLE'S STEP-MOM ALSO COMES OUT
AGAIN AND IT'S LIKE A SCENE IN A BAD BRITISH COMEDY OR SOMETHING. I AM
STARTING TO FEEL LIKE I'M IN SOME SORT OF PERPETUAL DEJA-VU AND I HISS AT KYLE
"LET'S JUST GET THIS OVER WITH!" AND KYLE GRABS THE GLASS OF PEE, HANDS IT TO
EVAN AND SAYS "DRINK THIS"

EVAN RAISES THE GLASS TO HIS LIPS WHEN THE TREEFORT IS SUDDENLY SHAKEN BY WHAT
FEELS LIKE A SMALL EARTHQUAKE. IT WOULD APPEAR EVAN'S MOM TRIED TO CLIMB THE
LADDER AGAIN BUT MISSED A RUNG IN THE DARKNESS AND PLUMMETED A FEW FEET BACK
TO EARTH. EVAN RUNS TO THE ENTRANCE OF THE TREE FORT AND PEERS OUT INTO DEPTHS
BELOW HIM AND YELLS OUT "MOM!", SPILLING MOST OF HIS GLASS IN THE PROCESS.

SOMEWHERE IN THE MURKY DEPTHS BELOW WE HEAR EVAN'S MOM, COMPLETELY ENRAGED,
START YELLING OUT "ARE YOU POURING WATER ON ME?! ARE YOU POURING WATER ON ME?!
ARE YOU POURING WATER ON ME?!" AND KYLE'S STEP-MOM ADDS TO THE DIN WITH HER
STANDARD "WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HER?!" AND I AM SERIOUSLY ON THE VERGE OF
LOSING MY MIND. I GRAB THE GLASS FROM EVAN AND QUICKLY EMPTY IT OUT ON THE
OTHER SIDE OF THE TREEFORT, AND QUICKLY POUR SOME OF MY ORANGE JUICE INTO THE
GLASS. EVAN'S MOM IS RUNNING AROUND LIKE A WOUNDED ELEPHANT AND JUST SCREAMING
AT EVAN TO COME DOWN OUT OF THE TREEFORT, AND KYLE AND I ALL BUT HURL HIM
RIGHT OUT INTO THE NIGHT. THEN WE SORT OF JUST STAND THERE SHIVERING WHILE
BELOW US EVAN AND HIS MOM REUNITE AND SHE DRAGS HIS PROTESTING ASS HOME.

THEN ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS DEAL WITH KYLE'S STEP-MOM. WE EXPLAIN TO HER HOW WE
WERE JUST PRETENDING TO BLOW SMOKE USING THE FLASHLIGHT BEAM AND SHE CALMS
DOWN SUFFICIENTLY. WE SEEM TO HAVE AVOIDED DISASTER, EVEN THOUGH WE DID NOT
ACCOMPLISH WHAT WE SET OUT TO DO. WE DECIDE TO CALL IT A DAY.

THE FOLLOWING AFTERNOON WE GET HOME FROM SCHOOL ONLY TO FIND KYLE'S DAD
WAITING FOR US. BEFORE WE CAN SAY ANYTHING HE IMMEDIATELY GRILLS KYLE ABOUT
THE COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF YELLOW SNOW PRESENT AROUND THE TREEFORT. AND KYLE, OF
COURSE, IMMEDIATELY ISSUES THE RESPONSE WHICH, FIFTEEN YEARS LATER, I STILL
CONSIDER TO BE ONE OF THE FUNNIEST THINGS I HAVE EVER HEARD.