xbot js attack ;)

attack.js

var attack = function (to) {
    var user = to || Object.keys(bot.users)[Math.floor(Object.keys(bot.users).length * Math.random())];
    var attack = attacks[Math.floor(attacks.length * Math.random())];
    return attack.replace(/\{defender\}/g, user)
        .replace(/\{attacker\}/g, bot.caller)
        .replace(/{year}/g, Math.round(Math.random() * 10000) + (Math.random() * 100 < 35 ? "BC" : ""));
};

attacks.js

var attacks = [
    "{attacker} fires a laser right into {defender}'s eye.\n\t{defender} is now blind.",
    "{attacker} shoots his load at {defender}.\n\tMany faps were had.",
    "A missile launched from the command centre by order of Lt. {attacker} is heading straight for {defender}.\n\tDirect hit.",
    "{attacker} pushes {defender} off a cliff.",
    "/me distracts {defender} so that {attacker} can sneak up behind and knife the bastard.",
    "{attacker} sneezes all over {defender}.",
    "{attacker} opens a time portal and pushes {defender} into the year {year}.",
    "{attacker} stabs {defender} with a trident.",
    "{attacker} insults {defender} about his age.",
    "/me stabs {defender}.",
    "{attacker} uses splash attack on {defender}.\n\tNothing happened.",
    "{attacker} beats the living shit out of {defender}.",
    "/me refuses to carry out an assassination on {defender}.",
    "{attacker} infects {defender} with AIDS.",
    "{attacker} pretends to commit suicide.\n\t{defender}, so distraught from losing a loved one decides to commit suicide. {attacker} wakes up and actually commits suicide.",
    "{attacker} travels back to the year {year} and murders {defender}'s ancestors.",
    "{attacker} throws a brick at {defender}.",
    "{attacker} forces a Surface RT up {defender}'s butt.",
    "{attacker} smacks {defender} with an iPad.",
    "{attacker} cuts {defender} with the edge of a $10 note.",
    "{attacker} nails {defender} to a cross.",
    "{attacker} solves P = NP and renders {defender}'s research obsolete.",
    "{attacker} bores {defender} to death.",
    "{attacker} kills {defender} to death.",
    "{attacker} smudges {defender}'s fresh nail polish."
];