Oneliners

oneliners.txt

And that judge wasn't gonna look at the twenty-seven eight-by-ten color glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, explainin' what each one was to be used as evidence against us. And we was fined fifty dollars and had to pick up the garbage in the snow, but that's not what I came to tell you about.
All your base are belong to us.
Support your local medievalist.
The three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
Must be user error.
Close Cover Before Striking
The light at the end of the tunnel is usually a train.
42
First pants THEN your shoes.
BSA HandBook, 2nd Ed,: "Scouts as a rule do not go into the big woods."
Make it foolproof, and the world will make a better fool.
"If anything can go wrong, it will." - Murphy
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Be careful of your code. It could outlive you.
/(bb|[^b]{2})/ (Regular expression which translates to "To be or not to be?")
"11:15 Restate my assumptions: 1. Mathematics is the language of nature. 2. Everything around us can be represented and understood through numbers. 3. If you graph these numbers, patterns emerge. Therefore: There are patterns everywhere in nature." -- Pi
In the frozen land of Nador, they were forced to eat Robin's minstrels. And there was much rejoicing. Yah!
The Sky is Blue And All the Leaves are Green. My Heart's as Full as a Baked Potato. I Think I know Precisely What I Mean When I Say it's a Schpedoinkal Day.
"When it woke up, the dinosaur was still there." - Augusto Monterroso
You never learn anything by doing it right.
A witty saying proves nothing.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
"I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong." - Lucy Van Pelt
"Reality continues to ruin my life." - Calvin and Hobbes
"Duct Tape! First law of the Universe: You can never have too much Duct Tape!" - Old Man in the Alley, DC Verse Marvel #2
"You know, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help." - Calvin and Hobbes
"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten." --Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and Over and Over"
"Tomorrow at breakfast you can pick up your ears, or you may be daydreamin for a thousand years." -What a Day for a Daydream
No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.
When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. -- George Bernard Shaw
Bank error in your favor. Collect $200
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
And now for something completely different.
You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is "Never get involved in a land war in Asia." But only slightly less well known is this: "Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line." - The Princess Bride
I know I am august, I do not trouble my spirit to vindicate itself or be understood, I see that the elementary laws never apologize,  (I reckon I behave no prouder than the level I plant my house by, after all.) - Walt Whitman
"A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men." --Willy Wonka
"Mankind will probably survive even if it doesn't take my advice." -John McCarthy
"No sir, I don't like it." -Mr. Horse, Ren and Stimpy Show
"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man." --George Benard Shaw
One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the treadle.
"He's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandkids will have no idea what a glacier is." --Stephen Colbert
We are all figments of Shakespeare's imagination.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
"Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need." --Will Rogers 
"Politics is applesauce." --Will Rogers 
You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.
Stack Overflow:  Too many pancakes...
My computer NEVER cras
"When the truth is evident, it is impossible for parties and factions to arise. Never has there been a dispute as to whether there is daylight at noon." -- Voltaire
Boy, giraffes are selfish!
"Entities should not be multiplied beyond necessity." -William of Ockham
"I got into television because I hated it so." -Fred Rogers
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying." -Woody Allen
"I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike." -Emile Henry Gauvreay
"We, on our side, are praying to Him to give us victory, because we believe we are right; but those on the other side pray to Him, too, for victory, believing they are right. What must He think of us?" -Abraham Lincoln
"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity." -Albert Einstein
"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing but burn, burn, burn like fabulous roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes 'Awww!" -Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
"I keep my ideals, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart." -Anne Frank
"All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance." -- Will Rogers, Humorist
"All I know is I'm not a Marxist." -- Karl Marx, founder of Marxism
"All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead." -- Samuel Beckett, Poet
"All I know is, he's a good kid, and he's done right all his life. And he always treats other people right." -- Joseph Jackson, Father of the music group "Jackson 5"
"All I know is, if the cards ever break even, I'm screwed." -- Rich Korbin, Professional Poker Player
"All I know is that power exists...and it becomes available only when you are in that state of mind in which you know EXACTLY what you want...and are fully determined not to quit until you get it." -- Alexander Graham Bell, Inventor of the telephone
"All I know is what I have words for." -- Ludwig Wittgenstein, Philsopher
"All I know is, as long as I led the Southeastern Conference in scoring, my grades would be fine." -- Charles Barkley, Basketball Player
"All I know is reception; I am and I have: but I do not get, and when I fancied I had gotten anything, I found I did not." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Transcendentalist
"All I know is a door into the dark." -- Seamus Heaney, Nobel Prize Winner
"All I know is that I don't know nothing" -- Operation Ivy, Music Group
"I mean you shouldn't mix fairy tales with liverwurst and buttermilk." -Betty Haynes(Rosemary Clooney), "White Christmas"
You're working under a slight handicap.  You happen to be human.
"Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to." -- Mark Twain
If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn 365 useless things.
Stay the curse.
Don't worry. I'm a prefectionist.
Someone is speaking well of you.
Condense soup, not books!
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.  Inside a dog it's too dark to read.  -- Groucho Marx
I just got out of the hospital after a speed reading accident.  I hit a bookmark.  -- Steven Wright
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter.  Some day I intend reading it.  -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
In the dimestores and bus stations /  People talk of situations / Read books repeat quotations / Draw conclusions on the wall.  -- Bob Dylan
Referring to a book: I read part of it all the way through.  -Samuel Goldwyn
The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be chewed and digested.  -- Francis Bacon
You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.  -- Folk saying
The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.  -- Christopher Morley
The world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those library books!
Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?  -- Karl Kraus
Did you know the University of Iowa closed down after someone stole the book?
Educational television should be absolutely forbidden.  It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens.  -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had a complete set.  -- Ring Lardner
History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
I am a bookaholic.  If you are a decent person, you will not sell me another book.
"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *can* you believe?!" -- Bullwinkle J. Moose
What did you bring that book I didn't want to be read to out of about Down Under up for?
The covers of this book are too far apart.  -- Book review by Ambrose Bierce.
The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, stable business.  -- John Steinbeck  [Horse racing *is* a stable business ...]
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
No two persons ever read the same book.  -- Edmund Wilson
For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they will like.
I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
I'd love to go out with you, but I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't seem to put it down.
Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
I've read SEVEN MILLION books!!
Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very very thin paper.
If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.  -- Oscar Wilde
I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on, so I woke up from sheer boredom.
Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.  -- Mark Twain
He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.  -- Ben Franklin
Appendix: A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use.
Friends, n.: People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them.
Of what you see in books, believe 75%.  Of newspapers, believe 50%.  And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes.  It's about Russia.  -- Woody Allen
The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the illiterates can read.  -- Alberto Moravia
If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.
If you can't read this, blame a teacher.
The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.  Let the reader catch his own breath.  -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
People in general do not willingly read if they have anything else to amuse them.  -- S. Johnson
If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's read by persons who move their lips when they're reading to themselves.  -- Don Marquis
The solution of this problem is trivial and is left as an exercise for the reader.
Pie are not square.  Pie are round.  Cornbread are square.
If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make something out of you.  -- Muhammad Ali
There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full.  -- Henry Kissinger
Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.  -- Arthur C. Clarke
Do not worry about which side your bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides.
We read to say that we have read.
To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.  -- Bertrand Russell
I'm QUIETLY reading the latest issue of "BOWLING WORLD" while my wife and two children stand QUIETLY BY ...
... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ...
Did you know that no-one ever reads these things?
AMAZING BUT TRUE: There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.
A classic is something that everyone wants to have read and nobody wants to read.  -- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature"
A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his wife asked "What have you got there?"  Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
We have only two things to worry about:  That things will never get back to normal, and that they already have.
Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there, I go to work.
Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read.  -- Frank Zappa
Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge.  -- Erwin Knoll
You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.
Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.  -- Mark Twain "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?  -- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, which is a little ironic since we may not have one.  -- Arthur Clarke
There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important.  -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
English literature's performing flea.  -- Sean O'Casey on P. G. Wodehouse
Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society.  -- Mark Twain
At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement, especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously -- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason.  -- John Keats
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.  -- Mark Twain
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.  -- Mark Twain
Training is everything.  The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.  -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
You will pay for your sins.  If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
You have an unusual magnetic personality.  Don't walk too close to metal objects which are not fastened down.
Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why.  -- Hunter S. Thompson
They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy".  Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.  -- Mark Twain
The Public is merely a multiplied "me." -- Mark Twain
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.  -- Mark Twain
An alien of some sort will visit you soon.
"I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'" -Jack Handey
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of "Jeopardy!"
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of. - Jane Austen
We live in a moment of history where change is so speeded up that we begin to see the present only when it is already disappearing. - R. D. Laing
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. -Jack Handey
I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them. -Jane Austen
Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way. -Jane Austen
I declare after all there is no enjoyment like reading! How much sooner one tires of anything than of a book! When I have a house of my own, I shall be miserable if I have not an excellent library. -Jane Austen
Reading, after a certain age, diverts the mind too much from its creative pursuits. Any man who reads too much and uses his own brain too little falls into lazy habits of thinking. -Albert Einstein
Books to the ceiling, / Books to the sky, / My pile of books is a mile high. / How I love them! How I need them! / I'll have a long beard by the time I read them. -Arnold Lobel
A room without books is like a body without a soul. -Cicero
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. -Dorothy Parker
Don't join the book burners. Don't think you're going to conceal faults by concealing evidence that they ever existed. Don't be afraid to go in your library and read every book... -Dwight D. Eisenhower
A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author. -G. K. Chesterton
There is a great deal of difference between an eager man who wants to read a book and the tired man who wants a book to read. -G. K. Chesterton
The only obligation to which in advance we may hold a novel, without incurring the accusation of being arbitrary, is that it be interesting. -Henry James
Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counsellors, and the most patient of teachers. -Charles W. Eliot
Never judge a book by its movie. -J. W. Eagan
Oh for a book and a shady nook... -John Wilson
The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them. -Mark Twain
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. -P. J. O'Rourke
To be a book-collector is to combine the worst characteristics of a dope fiend with those of a miser. -Robertson Davies
A book is a version of the world. If you do not like it, ignore it; or offer your own version in return. -Salman Rushdie
Knowing I lov'd my books, he furnish'd me / From mine own library with volumes that / I prize above my dukedom. -William Shakespeare
The multitude of books is making us ignorant. -Voltaire
Read not to contradict and confute, nor to find talk and discourse, but to weigh and consider. -Sir Francis Bacon
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Chocolate makes me happy, I gotta admit...
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry," so it died.
I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.
I'm sick of Soup of the Day. It's time we made a decision. I wanna know what the 'Soup From Now On' is.