wordpress to SSL for librarian.net

gistfile1.txt

My domain librarian.net needs to switch to HTTPS. I am having trouble getting it to work properly. I know just enough to tinker, but not enough to fix this.

1. My cert is good according to ibiblio for both the www and the non-www URLs
2. I should be able to just change the URL on this page to HTTPS and be good
   http://librarian.net/wp-admin/options-general.php
3. BUT, these options are greyed out in WordPress b/c I hardcoded the HTTP URL into my wp-config.php file. If I remove these lines (they are optional) I get an error stating "The page isn’t redirecting properly. An error occurred during a connection to www.librarian.net. This problem can sometimes be caused by disabling or refusing to accept cookies."
4. If I hardcode these URLs in wp-config.php to be an HTTPS URL, I receive the same error.
5. In both cases, if I am forcing HTTPS within the interface, my site loads without stylesheets and other things (because they are being served with HTTP URLs and can no longer be found) and I can't load the admin interface at all

MY THEORY: there is somewhere else where the HTTP URL is hard-coded, causing a redirect cycle

I HAVE TRIED:
- looking at the tables using PHPMyAdmin for hard coded URLS. The one in wp-options was already HTTPS
- deleting all cookies and trying other browsers besides my main one, no change
- forcing SSL by adding define('FORCE_SSL_ADMIN', true); to my wp-config file (same redirect issue)
- checking my .htaccess file at the root level of my website which is also the WP root level, no HTTP URLs in there
- adding update_option( 'siteurl', 'http://example.com' ); update_option( 'home', 'http://example.com' ); to functions.pho to my stylesheeet just in case it was somehow a stylesheet issue
- installing Really Simple SSL plugin in case it could do something I couldn't wordpress.org/plugins/really-simple-ssl/
- prayer (predictable results)

WHAT HAVE I NOT TRIED?