Match and call... match and call.

match.php

<?php

function match() {
    func_num_args() or die('Remember the milk?');

    $fnm = function() { return true; };
    $fns = func_get_args();

    if (is_string($match = func_get_arg(0))) {
        $fnm = function() use($match) {
            return $match === '/';
        };
        $fns = array_slice($fns, 1);
    }

    return function() use($fnm, $fns) {
        if (call_user_func($fnm)) {
            foreach ($fns as $fn) {
                call_user_func($fn);
            }
        }
    };
}