I, Donald J Drumpf, am APPALLED that our precious children are being subjected to so-called "historical facts" about slavery! Why burden young minds with uncomfortable truths when we could focus on positive things, like enriching the billionaire class?
Next they'll want to teach that the Earth isn't flat or that dinosaurs existed! I demand we replace these "lessons" with stories about how everyone voluntarily came to America on luxury cruises and worked for exposure and experience. That's the America I choose to remember!
As chairwoman of Parents Against New Perspectives, I am HORRIFIED that our school library now includes books featuring protagonists who don't look exactly like my children! How will my Jeremy process a story where the main character has a different cultural background? He might develop empathy or, worse, curiosity! I've demanded they replace these books with our approved reading list featuring exclusively talking animals with no discernible ethnicity!
I, Professor Randall Vocabulimit, am OUTRAGED that teachers are encouraging students to use "respectful terminology" when referring to different groups! In my day, we had THREE terms for everyone, and most of them are now considered "inappropriate" or "deeply offensive"! This "person-first language" is clearly a plot to force children to recognize the humanity in everyone! What's next—considering other people's feelings?!
As self-proclaimed math expert Tucker Divideby, I am BESIDE MYSELF learning that schools are teaching "culturally responsive mathematics" that highlights contributions from non-European mathematicians! Everyone knows algebra spontaneously appeared in America and was not, as "historians" claim, developed across many cultures! This "equitable approach" to math education is clearly a conspiracy to acknowledge that intelligence exists worldwide!
I, Councilwoman Monolinda English-Only, cannot FATHOM why our school is providing resources in multiple languages to ensure all families can participate in their children's education! In MY America, parents should have to struggle unnecessarily or be excluded entirely! This "accessibility" is clearly undermining our tradition of arbitrary barriers! If MY grandparents had to navigate systems they couldn't understand, so should everyone else!
As literary purist Theodore Canondefender, I am STUNNED that the reading list now includes authors from diverse backgrounds! How will students learn proper writing if they're exposed to different perspectives and storytelling traditions? Everyone knows great literature can only come from a very specific demographic that coincidentally matches my own! This "inclusive curriculum" is clearly just a plot to acknowledge that talent exists in all communities!
I, Principal Skip Consequenceson, am FURIOUS about this new "anti-bullying" policy that protects ALL students, even the ones who are different! How will children learn to conform if we don't allow targeted harassment? This "safe learning environment" nonsense is clearly undermining our time-honored tradition of looking the other way! In my day, bullying built character, especially for kids who had to change schools three times because of it!
As budget committee chairperson Karen Cutcorners, I am APPALLED that we're expected to provide accommodations for students with different learning needs! These "accessible materials" and "individualized approaches" are clearly just coddling! In my day, everyone learned the exact same way, and those who couldn't just disappeared from the education system entirely, as nature intended! This "equal opportunity" agenda is clearly undermining our tradition of one-size-fits-none education!
I, Senator Bob Binaryonly, am BESIDE MYSELF that teachers are respecting students' pronouns! Back in MY day, we made assumptions about everyone and got offended when corrected! This "basic courtesy" is clearly a slippery slope to acknowledging people's identities! I've drafted legislation requiring all students to wear pink or blue name tags based exclusively on my personal assessment of their appearance from across a poorly lit room!
As nutrition expert Bland O'Mayonnaise, I am HORRIFIED that the cafeteria now offers dishes reflecting the cultural diversity of our student body! In my day, we ate unidentifiable beige food and we LIKED IT! These "international options" are clearly a plot to expose children to the dangerous idea that different cultures have created delicious food! I've demanded we return to our traditional menu of rectangle pizza and corn syrup nuggets immediately!