Get all translations of post content from a value translated with qtranslate-x

yolo.php

<?php
$post = $GLOBALS['post'];
$wpdb = $GLOBALS['wpdb'];

// :trollface:
// qtranslate is not a very nice tool
$id = (int) $post->ID; // No injections here
$raw = $wpdb->get_var("SELECT post_content from $wpdb->posts WHERE ID = $id");

$extractor = function($lang = 'fi') use ($raw) {
  static $parsed;

  if (!$parsed) {
    $parts = explode('[:', $raw);

    foreach ($parts as $k => $part) {
      if ($k === 0) {
        continue;
      }

      $k = substr($part, 0, 2);

      if ($k === ']') {
        continue;
      }

      $text = substr($part, 3, strlen($part));
      $parsed[$k] = $text;
    }
  }

  return $parsed[$lang];
};

$fi = $extractor('fi');
$en = $extractor('en');
$sv = $extractor('sv');

var_dump([$fi, $en, $sv]);