"If We Had A Test Suite" to the tune of "If I Were A Rich Man"

ruby_test_suite_song.txt

“If I Were a Rich Man”                                                “If We Had a Test Suite”
Original                                                              by Katie
(lyrics from http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/fiddlerontheroof/ifiwerearichman.htm)

[TEVYE]                                                               [TURNER]
"Dear God, you made many, many poor people.                           Dear team, we wrote lots and lots of crufty code.
I realize, of course, that it's no shame to be poor.                  I realize, of course, that everyone writes some hacks.
But it's no great honor either!                                       But it’s not great practice either!
So, what would have been so terrible if I had a small fortune?"	      So, what would have been so terrible if we’d refactored a bit?

If I were a rich man,                                                 If we had a test suite,
Yubby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dum.                        Yubby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dum.
All day long I'd biddy biddy bum.                                     All day long I'd biddy biddy bum.
If I were a wealthy man.                                              If we had a great test suite.
I wouldn't have to work hard.                                         I wouldn't have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.                   Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy rich,                                         If we had a biddy biddy test,
Idle-diddle-daidle-daidle man.                                        Idle-diddle-daidle-daidle suite.

I'd build a big tall house with rooms by the dozen,                   I’d build a brand new feature with no bugs at all
Right in the middle of the town.                                      Right in the middle of the app.
A fine tin roof with real wooden floors below.                        A slick new page with a responsive layout.
There would be one long staircase just going up,                      There would be fancy graphics and quick load time.
And one even longer coming down,                                      Dynamic content with Ajax too.
And one more leading nowhere, just for show.                          And every browser would work well with it.

I'd fill my yard with chicks and turkeys and geese and ducks          There’d be no more clicking around to test every case
For the town to see and hear.                                         And hope that nothing’s broken.
(Insert)Squawking just as noisily as they can. (End Insert)           No more guessing where the problems are from.
With each loud "cheep" "swaqwk" "honk" "quack"                        With each deploy, no one would panic
Would land like a trumpet on the ear,                                 Even if it was Friday at five.
As if to say "Here lives a wealthy man."                              Because of course, our tests show all is well.
  
If I were a rich man,                                                 If we had a test suite,                
Yubby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dum.                        Yubby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dum.
All day long I'd biddy biddy bum.                                     All day long I'd biddy biddy bum.
If I were a wealthy man.                                              If we had a great test suite.
I wouldn't have to work hard.                                         I wouldn't have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.                   Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy rich,                                         If we had a biddy biddy test,
Idle-diddle-daidle-daidle man.                                        Idle-diddle-daidle-daidle suite.

I'd see my wife, my Golde, looking like a rich man's wife             I’d do “rake test”, and see exactly what the code’s doing.
With a proper double-chin.                                            “Red, green, refactor,” they say.
Supervising meals to her heart's delight.                             Integration tests and unit tests too.
I see her putting on airs and strutting like a peacock.               We would have RSpec or MiniTest and Capybara.
Oy, what a happy mood she's in.                                       What a happy mood we’d be in.
Screaming at the servants, day and night.                             Circle CI, passing every time.

The most important men in town would come to fawn on me!              The most senior developers would follow me online!
They would ask me to advise them,                                     They would ask me to advise them,
Like a Solomon the Wise.                                              On Slack and Stack Overflow.
"If you please, Reb Tevye..."                                         “If you please, rockstar dev…”
"Pardon me, Reb Tevye..."                                             “Pardon me, oh great one…”
Posing problems that would cross a rabbi's eyes!                      Posing problems that would cross a ninja’s eyes!

And it won't make one bit of difference if I answer right or wrong.   And it won’t make one bit of difference if I write code right or wrong.
When you're rich, they think you really know!                         When you have tests, you can really know!

If I were rich, I'd have the time that I lack                         If we had tests, I'd have the time that I lack
To sit in the synagogue and pray.                                     To write code that is actually DRY.
And maybe have a seat by the Eastern wall.                            And maybe work a bit on the API.
And I'd discuss the holy books with the learned men,                  And I’d discuss the Sandi Metz books with the team,
  several hours every day.                                              several hours every day.
That would be the sweetest thing of all.                              That would be the sweetest thing of all.

If I were a rich man,                                                 If we had a test suite, 
Yubby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dum.                        Yubby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dum.
All day long I'd biddy biddy bum.                                     All day long I'd biddy biddy bum.
If I were a wealthy man.                                              If we had a great test suite.
I wouldn't have to work hard.                                         I wouldn't have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.                   Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy rich,                                         If we had a biddy biddy test,
Idle-diddle-daidle-daidle man.                                        Idle-diddle-daidle-daidle suite.

Lord who made the lion and the lamb,                                  Trello board with cards all in order,		
You decreed I should be what I am.                                    You decreed the code should be this way.
Would it spoil some vast eternal plan?                                Would it spoil some vast eternal plan?
If I were a wealthy man.                                              If we had a great test suite.

👍 🎼 🎶