Finding a partner is the first and, probably, most difficult step in any conversation. Sometimes, if you're lucky, willing participants might come to you. Maybe, this is because you somehow tricked them into liking you in the past. Maybe, they are just so desperate for human contact that they settle even for your miserable self, since you're the only one available at the time. Regardless of their motive, at this point it's vitally important to avoid exhibiting strong patterns of antisocial behaviour, as that might compromise your future conversation-having chances. If your current situation is inhospitable to a productive dialogue (you are wrestling an angry bear on top of a train carriage, speeding through a snowy mountain range, while being shot at by some baddies in a helicopter), saying something akin to "Can't talk right now, about to go into a tunnel!" is not beyond the limits of social acceptance. In fact, it is likely to be infinitely preferable over "What now?", "You again?", "Why don’t you fuck off and die already!". Side-note: that last little nugget of undiluted eloquence is a pretty good way of subtly hinting that you are not only disinterested in continuing the current conversation, but also generally hold very little enthusiasm for any subsequent interaction. The same effect can also be achieved with simple silent treatment. More advanced human contact avoidance techniques will be thoroughly covered in the future. Stay tuned.
As we discussed, sitting around and waiting for people to come to you can be a successful strategy. At least once you have sufficiently invested into your social circle. However, it is decisively counter-productive if you've been a reclusive sociopath for the last decade, living in a cave and only hanging out with your pet rock that you named Gilbert (this example may or may not be based on author's personal life experience). If the proverbial mountain won't come to metaphorical Muhammad, then he must get off his lazy ass and go to it. Except Muhammad is you, the mountain is people and lazy ass is your lazy ass, in case that wasn't clear. Luckily, humans can be found in maddening abundance more or less anywhere you spit. Including, and especially, on the Internet. Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, blogs, dating sites and other thematically questionable forums are aimed at and populated by weirdos like you. Pretty much all you have to do these days to have a chat is choose the difficulty level, based on your mental capacity, attention span and laziness. If you so wish, you can engage in battle of wits with someone on YouTube who calls himself IHaveToPoop99 over whose mother is in fact the fattest. You strongly suspect that it is his, but he just won't listen to the voice of reason, nor accept your overwhelmingly superior point of view. You know, however, from his choice of nickname alone that things do not bode well for him. On the other side of difficulty spectrum, you can choose to console a friend who seems a bit depressed lately (at least judging by the gloomy pictures of unhappy statues that he keeps posting on his Instagram and his morbid choice of demoralising #hashtags). You can have an unfathomably deep and meaningful conversation about how short life is, how lonely we all really are and what the point of it all is any way. Of course, you will later find exactly what propelled him into this dark spiral of self-loathing and despair. It was the chocolate powder on his morning cappuccino, which was just slightly smaller than usual in quantity and also not at all heart-like in shape. You find it tragic, but somehow can still relate (which is even more tragic). And now you’re both depressed, congratulations.
Things get progressively more difficult when dealing with real, breathing, warm and squishy humans (compared to their disembodied avatars online). For one, most civilised societies will generally frown upon heated arguments over somebody's mother's weight. Moreover, dictionaries, Wikipedia and Google aren't nearly as readily accessible in real life. One has to frequently rely on their genuine brainpower in order to maintain the intricate illusion of their astonishing vocabulary, phenomenal sense of humour, sophistication and intelligence. Preposterous, I know! Come save us, Google Glass! Come quick!
Starting a conversation with a fellow squishy real-world human is not actually difficult, but it may take years of experience and decades of practice to recognise patterns of a good interaction opportunity and choose the right icebreaker. There is a trick, though, which can be mastered even by such dysfunctional agoraphobics as you. You’ll need to do your homework. Go read some current news and find some topics that you can get strongly behind. Steal someone else's strong views on the subject, if you must. Then try to casually bring it up at the next social encounter. “Have you heard about the flooding on the North Pole? I think our government should act, and fast! We need to save those polar bears (or whoever lives up there)!”
When in doubt, you can always ask people for their opinion on something. Anything. Their egos will be pleasantly tickled in any case. At last, their life won't feel like a complete and utter failure. Now that they've finally found that special someone who actually seems eager to consume their unimaginably boring, shallow views on Danish foreign policy. Perhaps, try using an opinion-bait, like "Have you heard they found a bunch of water on Mercury? Would you like to volunteer for a one-way mission to establish a permanent human base there?". You may then wish to follow up with "Mhm, how fascinating, yes, do share some more of your delicious and unique views on the subject!". Of course, this only works if: a) they indeed found water on Mercury (which, by the way, they totally did), b) you successfully read about it prior to your social outing (which you totally should have and actually just did), c) your counterpart is interested in water on planets in general and on Mercury in particular (and if they're not, there's something seriously wrong with them and you shouldn’t waste your valuable time on them any way).
Finally, if conversation starts to wander into undesired direction (perhaps, into subjects that you know nothing about, such as ballet or quantum thermodynamics), you can always steer it using the magic phrase "On a related note". Consider this example:
- Have you heard about this terrible calamity in such and such faraway place that nobody cares about?
- Sounds dreadful. Now, on a related note, what do you think about that water on Mercury?
And also, have I ever told you about the time I wrestled with a bear on top of a speeding train?
See? Works every single time, with no exceptions! In one elegant move you have expressed your utmost fascination in your partner's chosen topic, gently nudged them onto your desired conversation track, highlighted your passion for adventure and shown your exquisitely refined erudition, fuelled by your unquestionably massive brain and IQ of no less than 273. You're welcome.