history.txt

I was drawn to programming, science, technology and science fiction
ever since I was a little kid. I can't say it's because I wanted to
make the world a better place. Not really. I was simply drawn to it
because I was drawn to it. Writing programs was fun. Figuring out how
nature works was fascinating. Science fiction felt like a grand
adventure.

Then I started a software company and poured every ounce of energy
into it. It failed. That hurt, but that part is ok. I made a lot of
mistakes and learned from them. This experience made me much, much
better. I'm satisfied with that.

What's not ok is *how* things ended. Many of the investors turned out
to be bloodthirsty vultures who tore the carcass to pieces. Had we
IPO'ed, these same people would have stood there with giant smiles
telling everyone how they'd always known we were special and how
they'd supported us all along.

I lost many friends. Throughout the whole thing I was lucky to meet
many brilliant, creative, talented people. Together, we worked *so*
hard. Now we don't talk.

I spent a lot of time thinking about how I contributed to these failed
relationships. I learned a lot from that too. It wasn't my finest
hour, but I can sleep at night fine. So I eventually decided it's
mostly nobody's fault. This is just the reality of what happens to
people when extreme stress ends in failure.

Then I worked for a tech giant, and then for a high-growth unicorn. It
shocked me how dilbertesque they both were. Full of politicians, and
burnt out engineers in golden handcuffs who can't wait to get out, and
meaningless business speak, and checked out employees who pretend
they're "excited" about everything all the time. The young, wide-eyed
engineers seem hopelessly naive to me now.

So the worst case scenario is that you get eaten by vultures and lose
friends. And the best case scenario is that you're in a soulless
machine that turns everyone into an automaton. I know that's not the
whole picture. It's not even most of the picture. But that's the part
I can't unsee.

For a long time I couldn't focus on any remotely intellectual pursuit.
I even thought I permanently damaged my brain. But eventually I
started exercising, went on anti-depressants, and started therapy.
Then I got a job that has nothing to do with technology. Slowly my
happiness returned, and with it my ability to focus. I do a lot of
sports now and hang out with my non-techy friends and my wife. I cook
a lot. I got into knot theory. I find it fascinating and can do it for
hours. I'm surprisingly not bad at it. So I know I still have my
faculties.

But I still can't program, can't write, can't think of new products,
can't read science fiction. I'm mostly happy, but there is always a
hint of dissatisfaction underneath. I miss the creative, optimistic
person I once was. I want to see past the cynicism. I want to write
programs and make things. I want to work with a ragtag team again to
bring something to life that didn't exist before. I want to learn how
to see past the bullshit and be creative again. But I can't get myself
to do it. I hear the call and I know there's still a spark. But when I
take even the smallest step everything turns bleak and mundane. It's
like the magic has been bled out of me and I don't know how to summon
it back.

Has anyone been through this who managed to recover their optimism and
creative spirit? Please help me. What can I do?

There are a lot of comments here and maybe mine would be lost, but I was in a situation where I couldn't do any mathematics or music. I always excercised a lot so in my case excercise was also "taken from me", as that is how it feels.

But, I realised that before my dark period, I was an idiot too. So when I rebuilt my faculties, as you call them, I changed some things about myself. Or at least, the way I teach things to myself. But one thing that I would absolutely say is the main philosophical change is: SLOW EVERYTHING DOWN.

I promise I won't shout again, but that is my way of doing things. I am now quite comfortable to read Mac Lane's Categories for the Working Mathematician or Freyd and Scedrov's Categories, Allegories (yes, my interest is in category theory) whereas before the dark period I was basically an idiot that tried to do everything at the same time. I was an idiot that was well adapted to passing subjects, but still an idiot. I think part of this was the lack of mentors we have in society. One really should read the masters. I think universities contribute to the misunderstanding that one should do many things and do them quickly.

In any case, I now have good projects I am working on in terms of my job (mathematical modelling in agriculture and business), my music is going well (I compose music for piano and sometimes change it to electronic music). But whatever I do, I do it slowly and without presumption.

Since you mention knot theory, maybe you have also realised that you can indeed recover your faculties, but your faculties might turn out to be a bit different than you had thought yourself to be.

Edit: I liked your description about the workplace. So many idiots, so little time we have to ourselves... I do mean idiot in the global sense. We are are silly.

Hello Comrade,

stay strong. Your struggle is shared by many. The title though is misleading. You don't seem to have any problem with technology but just with the industry that produces (most of) it. Mixing the two things up is dangerous because it implies that technology can only be produced this way and for these goals (mostly investments, profit or geopolitical struggles). Luckily this is not the case and there are many worlds in which technologies are created in different ways and for more virtuous ends. The Free Software movement might be part of them, but nowadays it is tainted with too many conflicts and the world has changed a lot since its inception. There are new movements and new realities that are popping up. May you find your way and fall in love again with creating technology.

My advice is twofold:

1. Stop working on programming professionally for a while. If you have money, you should coast on that. If not, find a weaker, easier IT sector job, like sysadmin.
2. Spend your free time learning new technologies and working on code projects that you actually like, things that excite you. New languages, tools, etc. Take the time to rediscover the love, not taking into account how the soul-sucking corporate world will feel about it.

The kind of burnout that happened to you is something I am very afraid of and is always in the back of my mind. I've seen too many talented developers be destroyed by corporate burnout to the point that they hate technology. I can't let myself get to that point, I have to keep the joy alive in my work. If I can't, I must force myself to leave.

There are new movements and new realities that are popping up.

@chobeat what are some examples of new movements? (aside from perhaps crypto)

@mGBUfLn9 there's a whole world of cooperatives developing software for real communities (somebody call it coop economy, some people just "new economy"), published with licenses that prevent control from corporations. There's the federated labor union and the whole fediverse (not a fan, but they are showing very good results). These are just examples. Sometimes they even intertwine with the crypto world, but that is generally very conservative or reactionary and most times doesn't really want to rethink modes of production, just "keep the Man out of my wallet"

@chobeat Hi! What do you mean by the federated labor union?

I would also add that there are a lot of ways we can develop tech that works for our immediate community. Like helping set up community cellular ( open5gs? ) for folks that are low income or rural, helping the elderly and / or disabled get good assistive technology, or building nice services for people you care about ( or setting up self hosted stuff ). Personally I find this really satisfying.

For what it's worth, I empathize with you totally. You are definitely not alone!

@a9999999999999

I think it's the name of a specific subset of groups involved in developing federated software (I think Mastodon or Pleroma are involved too somehow). I read a zine published by them but I don't know exactly where this group begins and ends

the right-wing conspirancy theorist aesthetic of this silver shield thing makes it look like a promising waste of time if somebody is passionate about weird niche American cultish communities.

I think it would help you to make a split between programming and the software business itself.

From what you have written, your career has been about seeking wealth, not about the joy of technology. There is almost nothing good about the tech industry.

When I tell people that my father helped build what inadvertently the first version of Stephen Hawking's communication system, while working with the Carnegie foundation, and that they gave the patents away, they call him a fool for not wanting to be wealthy. Dad just wanted to make the world a better place for a little girl named Jennie with cystic fibrosis. Marc Andreesen said this to me, and I considered breaking his nose, but instead, I just pitied him and excused myself from the conversation.

If you're in it for the money, like most of the start-up people you'll find on Hacker News for example, you might as well go straight into FinTech or just become a banker. If you're in it for the love of creativity, then numb yourself and detach yourself from the American consumerism during the day, and create at night.

E-mail Woz and ask-him for advice. I did this about 15 years ago, and it helped me separate the need for money from the joy of technology, and find a mostly peaceful equilibrium.

It looks like your fetish has died. Nothing you can do to revive it. But this is not a surprise for a subject who finds himself in this totally crazy alienated world of business software. Even the most cynical has a secret fetish that keeps him/her going being a cynic without succumbing. Adding on top, who would have guess that the psychoanalysts were right all the time, we are inconsistent in our desires, we don't want the things we say we want. Don't even think about trying any of the CBT, self help, mindfulness bs methods, it will only make it worse. Enjoy the symptom and read Mark Fisher's "The capitalism realism".

If you have 8.5h to invest I encourage you to search for one vid on youtube named "Si1 v3r Shi 31d" (two words spelled normally - but I don't want to put some nasty algorithms on my back - at least not without giving them a hard time)

@veich Lol @ "nasty algorithms." Can you just spell it so I can find it? "Sit ver Shield?" Is this L33t Sp34k or something?

Hey, I just want to put this out there, may be someone will find it useful for them.

I think I've been through something similar after 16 years working in tech.

• got rejected multiple times for SWE roles
• failed a startup business
• failed a consulting business
• mid-career switch: failed to break into data science role after spending 3 years of studying Machine Learning

I come to accept that failure is part of life.

I was beating and recovering from burnout last year. Practically, what works for me (YMMV):

• Take a break
• Do nothing — deliberate procrastination is healthy
• Do something you love — I spent months disconnected from the world, leave my phone, and went on an adventure back to the simple good 'ol days of life, living in some rural area 🙂
• Retreat — I just finished my educational retreat. Code retreat (not bootcamp). Self-directed learning modeled after Recurse Center.
• Meditation — I meditate regularly, mostly solo but recently, in group. I like the group supports in Insight Timer.
• Join a community
• Sometimes taking a mental health day, a day off that's geared toward stress relief, is the best thing you can do for yourself.

If anyone is interested, I've written a bit about my experience before: https://cedricchee.com/2020/04/21/career-and-code-retreat-retro-16-years-working-in-tech/

Stay safe and take care. Cheers!

With a service spirit, you are ok here and wherever, now and at any time.

Hey, @mGBUfLn9,
Please consider to write a book. It will be a bestseller.
I really find your writing style fascinating and I can imagine the situation below in color while I am reading it...

"Then I worked for a tech giant, and then for a high-growth unicorn. It
shocked me how dilbertesque they both were. Full of politicians, and
burnt out engineers in golden handcuffs who can't wait to get out, and
meaningless business speak, and checked out employees who pretend
they're "excited" about everything all the time. The young, wide-eyed
engineers seem hopelessly naive to me now."

Best Wishes!

I understand your situation, just forget about your work for 1 month and start listing Krishna Das bhajans, it will give you the energy to restore your confidence, there are many Radhe Krishna bhajans that you can listen to, remember to stop you Everything works for 1 month, then I can guarantee that you will succeed in all areas of your life. God bless you! Love from Rohit Sharma.