Monty Pythons International Philosophy Football Match http://www.textfiles.com/media/SCRIPTS/german http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Philosophers%27_Football_Match

philosophy_football.txt

  [Aerial view of Muenchen Olympic stadium.]
Football Commentator (Michael)  Good afternoon, and welcome to a packed
	Olympic stadium, Muenchen [caption "INTERNATIONALE PHILOSOPHIE -
	Rueckspiel" {International Philospohy - Return match}] for the
	second leg of this exciting final.  [German philosophers jog out
	of the dressing room.]  And here come the Germans now, led by
	their skipper, "Nobby" Hegel.  They must surely start favourites
	this afternoon; they've certainly attracted the most attention
	from the press with their team problems.  And let's now see
	their line-up.
	[Caption "DEUTSCHLAND" {Germany}
		"1 LEIBNITZ
		 2 I. KANT
		 3 HEGEL
		 4 SCHOPENHAUER
		 5 SCHELLING
		 6 BECKENBAUER
		 7 JASPERS
		 8 SCHLEGEL
		 9 WITTGENSTEIN
		10 NIETZSCHE
		11 HEIDEGGER"]
	[High shot of Germans jogging onto pitch.]  The Germans playing
	4-2-4, Leibnitz in goal, back four Kant, Hegel, Schopenhauer and
	Schelling, front-runners Schlegel, Wittgenstein, Nietzsche and
	Heidegger, and the mid-field duo of Beckenbauer and Jaspers.
	Beckenbauer obviously a bit of a surprise there.

	[Greek philosophers, all in togas, jog from the dressing room.]
	And here come the Greeks, led out by their veteran centre-half,
	Heraclitus.
	[Caption "GRIECHENLAND" {Greece}
		"1 PLATO
		 2 EPIKTET
		 3 ARISTOTELES
		 4 SOPHOKLES
		 5 EMPEDOKLES VON ACRAGA
		 6 PLOTIN
		 7 EPIKUR
		 8 HERAKLIT
		 9 DEMOKRIT
		10 SOKRATES
		11 ARCHIMEDES"]
	[High shot of Greeks jogging onto pitch, kicking balls about
	etc.]  Let's look at their team.  As you'd expect, it's a much
	more defensive line-up.  Plato's in goal, Socrates a front-
	runner there, and Aristotle as sweeper, Aristotle very much the
	man in form.  One surprise is the inclusion of Archimedes.

	[An oriental referee, holding a large sandglass, walks down the
	centre line, flanked by two linesmen with haloes.]  Well here
	comes the referee, Kung Fu Tsu Confucius, and his two linesmen,
	St Augustine and St Thomas Aquinas.  [Referee spots the ball and
	the captains shake hands.]  And as the two skippers come
	together to shake hands, we're ready for the start of this very
	exciting final.  The referee Mr Confucius checks his sand and...
	[referee blows his whistle] they're off!  [The Germans
	immediately turn away from the ball, hands on chins in deep
	contemplation.]  Nietzsche and Hegel there.  Karl Jaspers number
	seven on the outside, Wittgenstein there with him.  There's
	Beckenbauer.  Schelling's in there, Heidegger covering.
	Schopenhauer.  [Pan to the other end, the Greeks also thinking
	deeply, occasionally gesticulating.]  And now it's the Greeks,
	Epicurus, Plotinus number six.  Aristotle.  Empedocles of
	Acragus and Democratus with him.  There's Archimedes.  Socrates,
	there he is, Socrates.  Socrates there, going through.  [The
	camera follows Socrates past the ball, still on the centre
	spot.]  There's the ball!  There's the ball.  And Nietzsche
	there.  Nietzsche, number ten in this German side.
	[Caption "DEUTSCHLAND - GRIECHENLAND
			    0 : 0"]
	Kant moving up on the outside.  Schlegel's on the left, the
	Germans moving very well in these opening moments.
Anchorman (John) [in the studio]  Well, there you are.  And we'll be
	returning to the match some time in the second half, but right
	now it's time for wrestling.

	[Cut to a wrestling ring containing a Master of Ceremonies.]
Emcee (Michael)  A five round heavyweight contest, three falls, two 
	submissions or a knock-out to decide the winner, between, in the
	red corner, Colin "Bomber" Harris [Bomber (Graham) climbs into
	the ring] and, in the red corner, Colin "Bomber" Harris.
	[The bell rings.  Graham begins his stunningly beautiful, but
	mainly visual, self-wrestling routine.]
Wrestling Commentator (John)  Here comes Bomber now, circling round,
	looking for an opening.  He's wrestled himself many times in the
	past, this boy, so he knows practically all his own moves by
	now.  And he's going for the double hand lock.  He's got it.
	Here's the head squeeze.  And the Albanian head lock.  He's
	going for the throw.  He's got the throw.  And now he's working
	on the left leg, this is an old weakness of his.  Oh, but he
	caught himself beautifully there, with the, er, the flying
	Welshman, and now it's the half Nelson.  And he can twist out of
	this.  And he's twisted beautifully into the Finnish leg lock.
	But he didn't like that!  He did not like that one little bit.
	But the referee's not interested, he's waving him on, and
	Bomber's angry now.  Bomber is really angry with himself now.
	And there's a forearm chop and he's gone for the double overhead
	nostril.  Now this is painful, but he caught himself
	beautifully, a really lovely move there.  Now he's going for the
	fall.  The shoulders have to be on the mat for three seconds.
	No, he's twisting out of that, no problem here.  Oh, but he's
	caught himself beautifully there, with the double overhead.
	He's got the double overhead on, I don't think he can get out of
	this.
Referee (Terry J) [echoed by commentator]  One!... Two!... Three!
Wrestling Commentator  And that's the first fall to Bomber.  Well, what
	a surprise there.  I think Bomber will have to come back at
	himself pretty fast now, before he gets on top.  And there's the
	forearm smash, and the hammer to the head and he's groggy now,
	and there's the flying Welshman again, and another flying
	Welshman.  And a half-Egyptian.  And he's a little stunned
	there, but he's got the half-crab, and he's got the half-crab,
	and this looks very nasty.  This looks very nasty indeed.  But I
	think Bomber's going to make the ropes.  Is he going to make the
	ropes?  [Bomber inches across and touches the rope.]  Yes, he
	made them.  Well, I think he was a little lucky there, he was in
	a tricky situation, and he's gone straight into the neck pin,
	he's got a neck pin there.  He's in a little trouble, he twists
	out of it.  He looks groggy, and he's caught himself with two
	beautiful forearm smashes and he's out.  I think Bomber's out!
Referee [raising the arm of the inert Bomber]  The winner!
Wrestling Commentator  Yes, he's won.  He has won.
Anchorman  Well what a match. And he'll be going on next week to meet
	himself in the final.  Well right now we're going back to the
	Olympic stadium for the closing minutes of the Philosophy Final,
	and I understand that there's still no score.

	[On the pitch, a German is remonstrating with the referee.]
Football Commentator  Well there may be no score, but there's certainly
	no lack of excitement here.  As you can see, Nietzsche has just
	been booked for arguing with the referee.  He accused Confucius
	of having no free will, and Confucius he say, "Name go in book".
	And this is Nietzsche's third booking in four games.  [We see a
	bearded figure in a track-suit is warming up on the touch-line.]
	And who's that?  It's Karl Marx, Karl Marx is warming up.  It
	looks as though there's going to be a substitution in the German
	side.  [Marx removes the track-suit, under which he is wearing a
	suit.]  Obviously the manager Martin Luther has decided on all-
	out attack, as indeed he must with only two minutes of the match
	to go.  And the big question is, who is he going to replace,
	who's going to come off.  It could be Jaspers, Hegel or
	Schopenhauer, but it's Wittgenstein!  Wittgenstein, who saw his
	aunty only last week, and here's Marx.  [Marx begins some
	energetic knees-up running about.]  Let's see it he can put some
	life into this German attack.  [The referee blows his whistle;
	Marx stops and begins contemplating like the rest.]  Evidently
	not.  What a shame.  Well now, with just over a minute left, a
	replay on Tuesday looks absolutely vital.  There's Archimedes,
	and I think he's had an idea.
Archimedes (John) Eureka!  [He runs towards the ball and kicks it.]
Football Commentator  Archimedes out to Socrates, Socrates back to
	Archimedes, Archimedes out to Heraclitus, he beats Hegel [who,
	like all the Germans, is still thinking].  Heraclitus a little
	flick, here he comes on the far post, Socrates is there,
	Socrates heads it in!  Socrates has scored!  The Greeks are
	going mad, the Greeks are going mad.  Socrates scores, got a
	beautiful cross from Archimedes.  The Germans are disputing it.
	Hegel is arguing that the reality is merely an a priori adjunct
	of non-naturalistic ethics, Kant via the categorical imperative
	is holding that ontologically it exists only in the imagination,
	and Marx is claiming it was offside.  But Confucius has answered
	them with the final whistle!  It's all over!  Germany, having
	trounced England's famous midfield trio of Bentham, Locke and
	Hobbes in the semi-final, have been beaten by the odd goal, and
	let's see it again.  [Replay viewed from behind the goal.]
	There it is, Socrates, Socrates heads in and Leibnitz doesn't
	have a chance.  And just look at those delighted Greeks.  [The
	Greeks jog delightedly, holding a cup aloft.]  There they are,
	"Chopper" Sophocles, Empedocles of Acragus, what a game he had.
	And Epicurus is there, and Socrates the captain who scored what
	was probably the most important goal of his career.
	[Aerial view of stadium; segue into Gilliam animation]