I'm about to be much more personal and vulnerable than I ever am on Facebook. If you care about me please read carefully and listen to the feelings.
I've been debating making a status like this for years... I kept saying "At this next milestone I'll do it" and then not feeling ready when I got there. In a lot of ways, this is the worst time in my life for me to do this... but my heart and my mental health just can't take living an inauthentic life anymore and for me, that means I want to live as openly as possible.
I'm bi. I've been attracted to people of like and not like genders for as long as I can remember being attracted to anyone. I spent years of my life feeling ashamed of it and feeling like something was wrong with me and that I had done something to cause it. I spent years not calling what I was feeling attraction and avoiding getting close to other masculine presenting people. When I was about 19, a sweet friend came out to me and I was surprised to hear myself say "Oh! Me too!" It was the first time I admitted it out loud, let alone to another person. It was a first glimpse at what it could feel like to be authentically me. I didn't admit it to anyone else for another three years after that and still felt some really unnecessary shame. Even once I was a little more out I never talked about it, especially not with my queer friends, or let myself indulge in the resources of the LGBTQ community because I didn't feel "gay enough". I felt like because I hadn't yet received an outright rejection for that part of my identity I hadn't really been through much. I didn't realize the damage it was doing to me to ignore that part of myself. I didn't realize I was essentially letting everyone reject me by keeping quiet.
My closest confidants have known for about 5-6 years now and I've bonded with some of them over it. Most of my friends have known for a least a little while at this point and it's just an open topic with anyone new I meet.
On Saturday night, I was at my favorite queer bar at my favorite event of the month with a large group of friends. Since I moved to Portland, it's felt like a sanctuary for me. The next morning I was reading texts from someone like me to his mom as he waited for someone to enter the room and kill him in his sanctuary. All I could think "that could have been my last words to my mom." I know a lot of family and family friends aren't going to get it. I've just accepted it at this point. I just can't stay silent anymore.