noahlt · July 31, 2017 23:11
diff --git a/oh_shit_that_sometimes_happens.txt b/oh_shit_that_sometimes_happens.txt
 OH SHIT THAT SOMETIMES HAPPENS



 SAM: yo, can you help me out

 CHUCK: hey what do you need

 SAM: I don’t know if I told you but I recently became a camp counselor

 CHUCK: that’s cool

 SAM: it was going super well but there’s some kind of crazed serial killer roaming the grounds right now

 CHUCK: oh shit that sometimes happens

 SAM: you got any advice? they’re all dead. Like, almost everyone

 CHUCK: okay first I hate to ask this but are you sure YOU are not the killer?

 SAM: I can’t be 100% sure

 CHUCK: see yeah I wondered. are you covered in blood?

 SAM: no — wait, yes.

 CHUCK: is it your blood?

 SAM: how can you tell?

 CHUCK: well, are you bleeding?

 SAM: I don’t think so, no

 CHUCK: okay, okay, let’s see, what else… oh I know — are you holding a weapon? Probably a sharp one?

 SAM: hang on let, me check — is a machete a weapon

 CHUCK: in this context, yes. BUT! It could be because you are protecting yourself so — last question — are you wearing some kind of… creepy mask?

 SAM: like subjective creepy or objective creepy

 CHUCK: generally, the creepiness will be broadly creepy like to a mass audience, so, let’s go with objectively

 SAM: okay so what kind of professions might be considered creepy

 CHUCK: like, I dunno, a clown, or a human scarecrow, or a plague doctor from a long time ago… wait you are wearing a mask aren’t you

 SAM: yeah but I don’t know if it’s creepy

 CHUCK: okay let’s take creepy out of the equation. What kind of mask are you wearing?

 SAM: a wooden mask whose empty eyes drink in the light and whose jagged grin suggest it was carved, forced upon it when it didn’t laugh

 CHUCK: oh see, yeah, yep, that’s creepy. That’s not even a job or anything that’s just — I mean, you found an evil mask and put it on.

 SAM: all right I can appreciate that but I came for advice not judgment

 CHUCK: okay, fair enough.  Hey, so, I googled all this stuff and it looks a whole lot like you are the killer, so, that’s a plus for you.

 SAM: all right cool cool… so what does one typically do in these situations

 CHUCK: well, good news is, you can probably feel free to just kill more people. But uhh, there is bad news too.

 SAM: oh boy… let’s hear it

 CHUCK: so, generally speaking, like, moooost of the time, you’re gonna get got. Probably by the last person you choose to kill.

 SAM: oh fuck, you might be right.  There’s like three or four of those guys still running around.

 CHUCK: right, yeah, so if you kill all of them, the last one you go to kill will totally turn the tables on you… but there is more good news.

 SAM: oh, sweet, I was hoping for an upside

 CHUCK: upside: you won’t just die. You’ll get to keep coming back with new chances to kill, kill, kill.  But, y’know, more bad news, too.

 SAM: jeez this is a real emotional rollercoaster. What’s the bad news?

 CHUCK: you're still probably gonna die. so, one option is, you just quit now. you just like, stop killing and go do some other shit

 SAM: so okay I agree that SOUNDS really intelligent but I'm kind of in the middle of the woods so...like...what else is there to do?

 CHUCK: you could walk away and find a video arcade or maybe a fast food place.  if you stay in the woods the kids are probably gonna nail you tho

 SAM: right, the last one will, you said. so, like, just between us?

 CHUCK: sure go on total cone of silence

 SAM: like, totally hypothetically not doing it, but you said the LAST one would kill me… so like, so long as there's two left, I'm okay, right

 CHUCK: I mean, maybe. the math sounds legit. is the mask demanding you kill them? like, real talk time

 SAM: not exactly? so, like, I don't do what this thing tells me but I am agreeing with a lot of what it says

 CHUCK: so maybe you and the mask just share a hobby. that's nice

 SAM: it's pretty good, actually. you know how when you meet someone and they're not friends YET but you can tell you're gonna be GOOD friends?

 CHUCK: oh yeah it's just like, total sympatico! where did you find the mask?

 SAM: in the woods on a nature hike. some crazy desiccated corpse was holding onto it, ringed by salt and bound with crucifixes

 CHUCK: sure, I would've picked that up to, just for shits and giggles

 SAM: like I just wanted to do it for the STORY, you know? just to say I've done it. anyway, I put it on and a LOT of people started dying

 CHUCK yep, pretty classic case. so, I figure you can kill maybe two more but if you wanna be safe go with like, one

 SAM: all right yeah, cool. but hypothetically, if I killed, like, three, how bad would that be

 CHUCK: welp. you'd PROBABLY die

 SAM so here's the crazy thing. and, like, get ready because you're going to laugh when you hear this

 CHUCK: go on

 SAM: I killed all three and thought "huh, that's weird, chuck said one of them would kill me”. but get this, just listen

 CHUCK: uh oh

 SAM: this one I THOUGHT I killed way back at the beginning came back at the very end all beat up and bruised and looking for vengeance

 CHUCK: see, that's a thing, yeah

 SAM: anyway this is kind of awkward because I'm trapped under a girder in a boathouse and all this gasoline is seeping in

 CHUCK: oh. ohhhhhh. hey, so. bad news

 SAM: oh boy. this isn't great, is it

 CHUCK: you are on the way to your inevitable and ineluctable end but! good news, maybe

 SAM: oh, sweet sweet. hey if I log off it's because this broken, flaming lantern on the edge of the table fell off

 CHUCK: okay, yeah, so, here's the good news: there's always a sequel

 SAM: sweet, sweet. so hey, thanks for talking to me about it, it really means a lot. I guess I'll see you in...two? three years?

 - FIN -

 This play originally appeared as a Twitter exchange between Sam Sykes and Chuck Wendig, two fantasy authors, on July 27.  You can find the original at: <https://twitter.com/ChuckWendig/status/890768163566170112>.
	OH SHIT THAT SOMETIMES HAPPENS



	SAM: yo, can you help me out

	CHUCK: hey what do you need

	SAM: I don’t know if I told you but I recently became a camp counselor

	CHUCK: that’s cool

	SAM: it was going super well but there’s some kind of crazed serial killer roaming the grounds right now

	CHUCK: oh shit that sometimes happens

	SAM: you got any advice? they’re all dead. Like, almost everyone

	CHUCK: okay first I hate to ask this but are you sure YOU are not the killer?

	SAM: I can’t be 100% sure

	CHUCK: see yeah I wondered. are you covered in blood?

	SAM: no — wait, yes.

	CHUCK: is it your blood?

	SAM: how can you tell?

	CHUCK: well, are you bleeding?

	SAM: I don’t think so, no

	CHUCK: okay, okay, let’s see, what else… oh I know — are you holding a weapon? Probably a sharp one?

	SAM: hang on let, me check — is a machete a weapon

	CHUCK: in this context, yes. BUT! It could be because you are protecting yourself so — last question — are you wearing some kind of… creepy mask?

	SAM: like subjective creepy or objective creepy

	CHUCK: generally, the creepiness will be broadly creepy like to a mass audience, so, let’s go with objectively

	SAM: okay so what kind of professions might be considered creepy

	CHUCK: like, I dunno, a clown, or a human scarecrow, or a plague doctor from a long time ago… wait you are wearing a mask aren’t you

	SAM: yeah but I don’t know if it’s creepy

	CHUCK: okay let’s take creepy out of the equation. What kind of mask are you wearing?

	SAM: a wooden mask whose empty eyes drink in the light and whose jagged grin suggest it was carved, forced upon it when it didn’t laugh

	CHUCK: oh see, yeah, yep, that’s creepy. That’s not even a job or anything that’s just — I mean, you found an evil mask and put it on.

	SAM: all right I can appreciate that but I came for advice not judgment

	CHUCK: okay, fair enough. Hey, so, I googled all this stuff and it looks a whole lot like you are the killer, so, that’s a plus for you.

	SAM: all right cool cool… so what does one typically do in these situations

	CHUCK: well, good news is, you can probably feel free to just kill more people. But uhh, there is bad news too.

	SAM: oh boy… let’s hear it

	CHUCK: so, generally speaking, like, moooost of the time, you’re gonna get got. Probably by the last person you choose to kill.

	SAM: oh fuck, you might be right. There’s like three or four of those guys still running around.

	CHUCK: right, yeah, so if you kill all of them, the last one you go to kill will totally turn the tables on you… but there is more good news.

	SAM: oh, sweet, I was hoping for an upside

	CHUCK: upside: you won’t just die. You’ll get to keep coming back with new chances to kill, kill, kill. But, y’know, more bad news, too.

	SAM: jeez this is a real emotional rollercoaster. What’s the bad news?

	CHUCK: you're still probably gonna die. so, one option is, you just quit now. you just like, stop killing and go do some other shit

	SAM: so okay I agree that SOUNDS really intelligent but I'm kind of in the middle of the woods so...like...what else is there to do?

	CHUCK: you could walk away and find a video arcade or maybe a fast food place. if you stay in the woods the kids are probably gonna nail you tho

	SAM: right, the last one will, you said. so, like, just between us?

	CHUCK: sure go on total cone of silence

	SAM: like, totally hypothetically not doing it, but you said the LAST one would kill me… so like, so long as there's two left, I'm okay, right

	CHUCK: I mean, maybe. the math sounds legit. is the mask demanding you kill them? like, real talk time

	SAM: not exactly? so, like, I don't do what this thing tells me but I am agreeing with a lot of what it says

	CHUCK: so maybe you and the mask just share a hobby. that's nice

	SAM: it's pretty good, actually. you know how when you meet someone and they're not friends YET but you can tell you're gonna be GOOD friends?

	CHUCK: oh yeah it's just like, total sympatico! where did you find the mask?

	SAM: in the woods on a nature hike. some crazy desiccated corpse was holding onto it, ringed by salt and bound with crucifixes

	CHUCK: sure, I would've picked that up to, just for shits and giggles

	SAM: like I just wanted to do it for the STORY, you know? just to say I've done it. anyway, I put it on and a LOT of people started dying

	CHUCK yep, pretty classic case. so, I figure you can kill maybe two more but if you wanna be safe go with like, one

	SAM: all right yeah, cool. but hypothetically, if I killed, like, three, how bad would that be

	CHUCK: welp. you'd PROBABLY die

	SAM so here's the crazy thing. and, like, get ready because you're going to laugh when you hear this

	CHUCK: go on

	SAM: I killed all three and thought "huh, that's weird, chuck said one of them would kill me”. but get this, just listen

	CHUCK: uh oh

	SAM: this one I THOUGHT I killed way back at the beginning came back at the very end all beat up and bruised and looking for vengeance

	CHUCK: see, that's a thing, yeah

	SAM: anyway this is kind of awkward because I'm trapped under a girder in a boathouse and all this gasoline is seeping in

	CHUCK: oh. ohhhhhh. hey, so. bad news

	SAM: oh boy. this isn't great, is it

	CHUCK: you are on the way to your inevitable and ineluctable end but! good news, maybe

	SAM: oh, sweet sweet. hey if I log off it's because this broken, flaming lantern on the edge of the table fell off

	CHUCK: okay, yeah, so, here's the good news: there's always a sequel

	SAM: sweet, sweet. so hey, thanks for talking to me about it, it really means a lot. I guess I'll see you in...two? three years?

	- FIN -

	This play originally appeared as a Twitter exchange between Sam Sykes and Chuck Wendig, two fantasy authors, on July 27. You can find the original at: <https://twitter.com/ChuckWendig/status/890768163566170112>.