After walking away from my sales career and entrepreneurial self, abandoning my office built over two years of 18 hour days as a kid in my teens still, to decent enough success considering I inverted Brian Tracy's top 5% of reps do 80% of the business. I had a personal tragedy of sorts that fundamentally changed me and my way of coping was I was emptied of any greed and it put in me some obsession to avoid anything resembling the 7 deadly sins, though I was still agnostic or atheistic. I felt profoundly guilty and wrong doing what I had built a career for myself as, and was compelled to abandon sales training, sales, owning sales shops, lead brokering, all the things I did while growing my moustache out so people would not know I was young as I was.
I had fun but it seemed wrong and I was lost. Sales and advertising, certainly slamming, all of it was just predatory by nature and manipulative. I always tried to make things more honest but that wasnt enough. Dillinger thought he was a great guy right?
By this time I had been offered to fill in to take over for a guy who owned one of the biggest rooms in vegas. It was 10k a week and though I didnt know the details, those I heard from others at similar shops some that now worked for me some things that made me ill. So maybe I judged prematurely but best to keep a clearly drawn line in the sand leave no room for grey area. Oh and the fill in was for 28 months, while he was in prison. Yeah I turned it down.
Then I saw boiler room with my dad and that solidified I had made the right decision, I turned and said thats why I can't do it anymore. I don't want to be that guy, I definitely don't need that ending.
Thought I'd go with the high scool plan, be a computer nerd in a cubicle like a normal person,as I was clearly good at that.No spiffs, draws, commissions, a check that is the same that only increases over time, and with slow blue chip investments. becuase money is not the central driving focus for healthy moral people.
And at night I can hobby at the irresponsible dream job of writing fiction or screenplays. stability and still not neglecting my inner passion one that came back to me I had since literally the 3rd grade but abandoned a few years before feeling again an inferiority complex to Mary Shelley upon reading her masterpiece written at my age-17, I was obsessed with the whole family, even worked at a bookstore for access to rarities like Percy Shelley's Necessity of Atheism. What she wrote was so awesome I thought what is the point even if I could be great, nobody is that great, so ... whats the point in writing anything. Fucking idiot I was.
So I moved up north threw everything away and went to school for a bit. While there a project got me working with a technically oriented piece of software rather a suite for mathmatical modeling, of every kind imaginable. It sold direct or by dealers licensed to service, consult, customize and maintain the clients they sold.
It was attractive, but the bulk of the work involved custom bulding or tailoring for specific use cases the range was astounding and intimidating, the fact that it was a formula style based on C syntax was of some comfort because the customers were physicists, researchers, professors, retired enthusiasts and generally had an impressive string of initials after their names in addition to their position which would be NASA, MIT, Carnegie-Mellon, JPl, Stanford, all rocket scientists.
It was the least sexy sale but was an opportunity to be a business again and even one that would indulge my then still fresh moral obsession. It was the first real opportunity to contribute to society vs leaching off it like a parasite. I desperately wanted to be doing something intellectual, I wanted purpose, I wanted my girfriends father to like me and to look at me for who I was. For so many reasons contributing something of value and not indulging greed was what I needed before I find myself so far down the road I was on by accident that by time its too late life is over. This may have been a great turning point, twofold actually because I met the owner looking to volunteer with a political cause he was involved with to take decisions out of the hands of lenient liberal judges in cases of violent crimes or rape.
I was scared shitless. I was maybe drinking age, spent 17 I was done with high school early, maladjusted socially from reform school, freedom was an adjustment. 18 I had a lot of partying, my first relationships, and some runins with the law that would resurface later, and 19-20 going from being homeless to salesman to running my own offices in a 6 month span, now I'm going to play rocket scientist by extension? I was a lot to take in.
There was a lot of talk as a kid of me going to a special school as I was at the top of my class working out of the 4th grade math book in 1st grade, and reading at a 35 year old level by 2nd or third. I was bored even acting out a lot at catholic school By 11 I was actually kicked out. But as I got older I feared that I chickened out. I only knew about money, that we didn't have it. So didn't really think about it that much but I always pressed to remain in my current school. I liked school and I lived far, and was an only child so it was my only social opportunity. But in addition to my friends, and the money troubles we already had, what if I'm not at the top of my class there, I found praise awkward to this day but I may feel moreso if it was suddenly absent. What if I would be barely cutting it instead of acing classes. Fuck what if I flunked! I'd be a liar of I wasn't at least a little competitive I can't imagine being bottom of the barrel amongst those more deserving of words like gifted.
I had a lot of stupid thoughts as a kid. Most of us do, but I kept thinking many of those stupid things well after 30 so big shocker, I didn't stick this one out. I had other involvement and was top of my class in CS I wrestled with it but this was not to be a gig for me to build a career with. I prefer to say it wasn't right at the time and in the middle of school, but I was 21 or 22 scared of the credentials and thought I'd be like that school "found out" as a fraud or something. I chickened out.
But in this short time I was inspired by many experiments and though rocket scientists quickly proved to be a undesired area to focus my attentions I did pocket a few experiments that got my brain churning and I've been waiting for a world that would give a shit. That world came in 2013-2014 everything I had ready to throw in production or in preproduction now needed to be hustled out but while hiring local teams for the various roles, I was embezzled from and kicked out of my own company after paying money to a lawyer and a disaster of a season. literally while hiring.
Well my circle is sadly ignorant and a poor judge. What they dismissed as nonsense and jibberish was already in the works as they are dismissing the concept and even the work already done and in many cases in pre-production releasable fundable crunchbase, startupable, crowd-fundable projects.
What happened since is everything I've ever built from being a teenager to what I stay up in marathon sessions scrounging for money for patent ordering parts on ebay, its all gone. And the window is closed while I figure out how to bum a smoke and get the smell of urine off the towel next to me on the floor as I type this.
Heres to the assholes figure it out your fucking selves.
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