Based on my searches through the chat history, I now have a comprehensive understanding of who Chandiran is and how he feels about being in this group. Let me provide you with a detailed analysis.
Chandiran is a 25-year-old from Chennai, India who appears to be deeply embedded in this tight-knit friend group with Rebecca and Shubham. Some key aspects of his identity:
Background & Circumstances:
- Previously worked at Bloomberg where he used to
"send most of my paycheck home" to his family
- Currently lives with or very close to Rebecca (evidenced by her washing his bedding and him having house keys)
- Has been through significant personal transformation over the past 6 months
- Struggles with what he calls being
"the big head of this world" - someone who has consistently "failed forward" and gotten "more than what i deserved" with "minimal effort"
Personal Struggles:
- Dealing with family guilt, particularly around money:
"i used to ignore my dad's calls because i had a lot of guilt over the fact that i didn't send home money anymore"
- Working on emotional regulation and discipline:
"i have never learn to emotionally regulate with that" and "now i'm 25, trying to learn it from scratch"
- Battles with
"option paralysis everyday" and procrastination
Chandiran's relationship with this group is profoundly meaningful to him, and his feelings can be characterized as deeply grateful, vulnerable, and secure - though with some underlying anxieties about worthiness.
This Group as a Safe Haven: The most telling moment comes when he explicitly states:
"i feel comfortable af saying whatever thf i want in this group...so thanks to u guys making this a safe space...i can be more unhinged and energized the way i always want to be"
He's remarkably vulnerable with them, sharing intense personal work:
"sorry i'm dumping this stuff in this chat...i don't want to apologize here. these are the raw threads in my head. i'm happy to share then with ya'll"
Mutual Love and Support: During a beautiful drunk exchange, when Shubham declares his love for the group, Chandiran responds:
"i love you broooo...you sound so happy...so nice to see 🥰🥰...you are a blessing"
The group provides crucial support during his crisis moments. When he had a bad trip and called for help:
"guys did i do the right thing by calling shubham here? it got rlly fucking bad and i had multiple forced simulations i had to watch where we end up in the hospital"
Both Rebecca and Shubham immediately reassured him:
"yes you did the right thing...always call when you are not sure...better to be cautious"
Role as the Group's Catalyst: Chandiran seems to have been instrumental in the group's consciousness exploration journey. Shubham credits him with planting seeds about psychedelics:
"remember the first time we both went for dinner and had a long walk horizontally across manhattan?...probably i set seed in your mind that night...you definitely did plant the seed haha...and eventually got me on thc, ket, dmt, 5meo and mdma"
Underlying Insecurities: Despite the love, Chandiran carries some self-doubt. He worries about over-sharing:
"if you want me to tone it down, which is completely fine, i would want to both to speak up please"
He shows moments of defensive vulnerability:
"i'm trying to justify it because i'm being defensive in case u pounce on me inside your heads"
Deep Philosophical Connection: This group serves as his intellectual and spiritual community. They engage in profound conversations about consciousness, family relationships, and personal growth. Shubham notes:
"because this group feels high trust, i don't fear writing even my stream of consciousness"
Chandiran exists in this group as both the wise guide and the vulnerable seeker. He's the one who introduced them to psychedelics and deep emotional work, yet he's also the one most openly wrestling with personal demons around discipline, family guilt, and self-worth.
The group dynamic shows unconditional acceptance - they support him through bad trips, celebrate his victories, and create space for his philosophical rambling. As Shubham puts it:
"this group a safe space for all of us...you can be vulnerable here"
In essence, Chandiran feels profoundly loved and accepted in this group, which allows him to be authentically himself - unfiltered, vulnerable, and sometimes unhinged. This acceptance seems to be healing something deep within him around trust and belonging. Yet he still carries some fear of being "too much" or not deserving of this love, reflecting his broader struggles with self-worth.