sneakers-the-rat · December 15, 2019 03:27
diff --git a/wwe.txt b/wwe.txt
 Welcome to Wrestlemania!
 Woodstock was to rock and roll, what WrestleMania is to wrestling.
 Finally, your men, in a very controversial match...
 What do you mean "controversial"? He pinned him right in the center of the ring, didn't he? Did he or did he not pin him for the count of three?
 Where's that cane of yours?
 What cane? I...didn't have no cane!
 All right, we're just moments away from the big one. When I say big, the battle of the titans. Big John Studd, Bobby Heenan, come in. Andre the Giant putting his entire career on the line.
 Oh man, this bag is heavy man! This is what it was all about. $15,000 that we used for bait. John Studd, the only giant of wrestling. 7 foot plus, nearly 400 pounds of solid muscle. And this is what we wanted to prove to the whole world that I am the giant in a few short moments, along with this $15,000. You're going to see me in the ring and you're going to see the last match of Andrea because he retires if he can't do it.
 Bobby Heenan, I'm just counting the money here.
 You know what we did, just keep your hands to yourself here. For $15,000 and a haircut, we are eliminating Andre the Giant from professional wrestling. Oh yeah, a lot of gladhandlers out here today. Keep your hands out of there pal! Only two people are going to see this money. That's Studd and myself. Oh, three, the people at the bank when we deposit the money. But not the Giant.
 Stand by! It's upcoming. [to Heenan] I know.
 He's retired, he's done, he's done and don't you touch our money.
 I've seen plenty of anticlimactic Super Bowls in my day, I've seen a lot of lousy NBA Championships in my day, but we definitely are not seeing...we're seeing the greatest spectacle in wrestling history right now.
 we reign supreme, can you dig that?!
 He's the prospect, I think of the heavyweights out there today, he the best prospect known. He's trained diligently, he's in real good shape. Heavyweight's one punch and it's all over. Tonight, he's in shape and he's going to do his job. Right Roddy?
 I'm cute. I groomed my hair long, that way during the fight tonight, you can tell the difference between me and T. I figured some of you folks out there may get a little confused. I have got the absolute best coach in the entire world to train me. I've been down with Biggs training, with Spinks training. He went and got Smokin' Joe Frazier in his corner. Are you ribbing me? He threw a medicine ball at my belly. Didn't move an inch! I'm down to 219 pounds in 30 minutes. You see, he talks cheap! So you say Roddy, you're sitting there talking? I say this to you! I say if Mr. T can knock me out in this fight right here, I would not only quit professional boxing, I would quit and retire from professional wrestling, I will quit tiddlywinks, I will quit dating girls! [To Cowboy Bob Orton] I'd stick with you. I would quit it all! I right now say if T can knock me out, I will retire and I'm going to stick my head out there round after round after round and put it out there because as pretty as it is, he's going to shoot some punches, I'm going to be moving like that just like coach taught me. He's gonna shoot some more, I'm going to be moving like that. And another thing, you know Mr. T, I know you're a smart aleck. You come out with a kilt, but let me tell you something, never will I shave my hair like an Indian and paint myself black. Too-hoo!
 All right, George, eat his leg!
 Hogan, your ribs are injured, you're facing the biggest, toughest man I believe you've ever faced in your career in King Kong Bundy inside a steel cage. Man, I can't believe you'd do something like that as Champion of the world!
 I'm gonna make a prediction that Mr. T's gonna come out on top because he's fightin' for what he believes in too; and Piper, just like a lot of other dudes out here [pointing thumb at Ventura], like you, Ventura, take a lot of shortcuts and go down awful quick!
 good guys don't always finish first.
 Ladies and gentlemen, in the fourth round, the referee stops this bout, he awards the decision as a result of a disqualification to Mr. T!
 If I wanted to come for a picnic, T, I would've packed a lunch.
 [During the Uncle Elmer v. Adorable Adrian Adonis match]
 I have never seen so much cellulite in one place at one time, I don't think.
 Between the both of them?
 No, I was just talking about Adonis.
 I never trust a man who wears pink legwarmers.
 No more Hulkamania, no more Hulk this, Hulk that. It's Bundymania from now on.
 ...
 Bundymania? It doesn't even sound good.
 Hulk is coming back with a tape of his own. Now, Alfred Hayes, what do you got to say about the champion?
 Well, that's tit-for-tat, Jesse. What's good for the goose, is good for the gander.
 I figured an Englishman like you'd come up with something like that!
 You jealous because you don't have a cartoon show, Jesse?
 Don't you get on my case either, Elvira, or you won't go out with me later!
 Someday, sometime, he's gonna have to showdown with me.
 If you win, I'll go out with you.
 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the magnificent Silverdome! And welcome to Wrestlemania III! And now here to sing America The Beautiful - the Queen of Soul - Ms Aretha Franklin!!!
 Little Beaver reminds me of a girl I went with about 25 years ago. She had the same haircut.
 Hey! You see what, hey!
 What happened there?
 Little Beaver just gave Bundy a shot in the boiler.
 It's Moolah! She's here! No wonder you guys are here all the time! The moon is full and so am I! I gotta get with Moolah! I'm leavin', see you guys later!
 Look at that, Jess. This is unfair, the outside help to get your man back on his feet.
 You're calling that help? He threw him right into the JYD.
 ...
 What's a manager for, Monsoon?
 A manager's to give advice, not to physically get involved.
 You're starting to irritate me a little.
 Heavyweight champion of the world in the locker room just one hour away from his moment of destiny.
 Well you know they said it was my last ride man! Yesterday when I finished hanging and banging. When I jumped on the Harley man. As I went thru the intersection. As I headed for the mountains, some of the nonbelievers in the gym said, "See ya later Hulkster, man! This is your last ride." It ate me alive brothers. When I felt the fury as I ripped, as I tore this shirt, as I headed for the sunset man, I looked down brothers, and as the sun beamed off the gold in my eyes, I realized that sooner or later, you gotta live and die and you gotta face the truth. And for you, Andre the Giant, it's time to face the truth brother. Because when I think about what you and I have to do man. What I have to do is nothing. All I have to do is merely beat a seven foot four 550 pound giant. But Andre, you've gotta face the truth brother. In its purest form man. The purest truth there is man. The training, saying your prayers, eating the vitamins. And to beat me man, You've got to beat every little Hulkamaniac, every little Hulkster in the world. Everyone that plays it straight. All the ones that don't take any shortcuts brother. And they usually say "If the dirty air don't get you, the politicians will." But in this case. It's going to be Hulkamania. And the reason it's going to get you man, it's the purest form of the truth there is. And I can't wait to see you go down at the feet of Hulkamania in front of 90,000 plus in the Silverdome. What you gonna do Andre The Giant when the real truth, the 24 inch pythons and Hulkamania runs wild on you?
 [Bobby Heenan comes into the broadcast booth during the Rougeau Brothers/Dream Team match]
 The weasel has just snuck into the broadcast booth. What are you doing here, Heenan?
 Welcome to Wrestlemania III.
 Thank you Jesse. First of all, I'll speak at any place. I am two for two, Monsoon! Two for two! Billy Jerk did not beat my man! As far as I'm concerned...
 Well, your man didn't win either.
 Just a minute, I'm talking 'cause I'm on a roll here! What happened was he knew he couldn't beat Hercules, so he kept him outside; as far as the Brain's concerned, that's a victory, we win that one! The King—you saw him in the chair, he left with the crown; the miserable Junkyard Dog, he bowed, he curtsied, he did everything we said he'd do! I am on a roll, I am 2-0
 Bobby, I'd just like to say—and I went on the record with this—I thought that was the biggest cheap shot I'd ever seen, when the JYD hit the King Harley Race with that chair.
 Let me clear something up here a minute, Brain. You're one-for-three in my book—you didn't win the Hernandez match, King Kong Bundy lost.
 I wasn't out there for that match.
 I don't care, he was still one of your men.
 I don't care about midgets. I don't even deal with midgets. I don't like midgets. Forget that match. Talk about my career! What I am doing. I'm making history here at Pontiac Silverdome. 2-0!
 [After the Dream Team wins due to Dino Bravo's interference.]
 I suppose you call that fair, Brain.
 A win's a win. When you're at WrestleMania, you take what you can get. It's not easy. They got a win. I got two wins and I'm going to have three wins today!
 [Bravo and Johnny Valiant pull Greg Valentine out of the ring and leave Brutus Beefcake inside]
 Look at this. Look at these three beauties, they left Bruti inside..
 The Dream Team, Brutus Beefcake and Greg "The Hammer" Valentine!
 Well, Beefcake isn't celebrating the victory is he?
 Am I on a roll or am I on a roll?
 What's the matter with that idiot Beefcake? They got the win. What's he arguing about?
 I don't know. A lot of dissension among the ranks of the Dream Team for sure.
 [Valiant, Bravo and Valentine get on the cart and leave]
 Hey, they're leaving Beefcake!
 Look at this! They're leaving Bruti behind.
 They're leaving him! I can't believe this. What's the matter with Beefcake? What's the matter with him? He gets the winner's money!
 What's the matter with Johnny V and the rest of his crew? Why are they leaving this guy behind?
 I can't believe this. I can't believe Beefcake. He wins the match.
 There they go. Special match upcoming. The adorable one, Adrian Adonis and Rowdy Roddy Piper. A lot of interesting things led up to this one.
 How am I doing, Monsoon? Huh? How am I doing?
 Horrible.
 Ladies and gentlemen, at this time I would like to introduce to you a man who allegedly tells it like it is—Jesse "The Body" Ventura!
 Hey, what are you talkin' about, "allegedly" tells it like it is. I am the man who tells it like it is!
 Can we just clear one thing up? It's very important for everybody to understand that Jimmy and I are not related. At one time, I might have wanted to claim that, but since he has Danny on his team, and Danny is not exactly...I just wanna let everybody know that as much as I'd like to be rooting for The Hart Foundation, I just can't under the circumstances.
 We're going to have to rename Dynamite, Firecracker if he doesn't shape up now.
 With me at this time, manager Bobby "The Brain" Heenan, and I'm privileged to be standing next to the most extraordinary athlete of all time. He is not elected until this date to challenge Hulk Hogan for the Heavyweight Championship, and this afternoon at WrestleMania III, Bobby Heenan, your man, André the Giant will be doing just that.
 You bet he's going to be doing just that. He's going to become the heavyweight champion of the world and I'll tell you why. First of all, the man is undefeated in over 15 years as a professional athlete. Hulk Hogan has never been in the ring or met a man bigger than him, stronger than him, taller than him, that weighs more than him, and with a burning will inside more than Andre the Giant. You see Hogan, few short hours from now that clock is ticking, and it's ticking in our direction, not yours. Hulkamania is over. Hulkamania is dead. The doors going to be shut on the history books on Hulk Hogan once and for all. There is a new Heavyweight Champion of the world. The odds on favorite in Las Vegas and all over the whole wrestling world, they're picking Andre the Giant. Nobody can defeat this man. Nobody even can come close to defeating this man. And Hogan, I know it's happening to you now because it's happening to me. The butterflies are in my stomach. The adrenaline's flowing thru my veins and I'm getting ready, 'cause I'm gonna manage the Heavyweight Champion of the world. And Hogan, hey you've had three good years. You've got nothing to look back on. But it's all over. Andre the Giant, the new heavyweight champion of the world.
 The biggest Heavyweight Title bout of all time. Andre the Giant to meet Hulk Hogan.
 Jess, I wanna go on record of saying you were one of the guys—you and the weasel-breath Bobby "The Brain" Heenan—who said that this guy would never step back in the ring.
 Well, I'll go on the record, he surprised me. You know, they said he's got a lot of heart; but I personally say he's got a lot of throat, because it wasn't the heart that got hurt.
 [Savage has sent Steamboat over the railing into the crowd]
 What's Dave Hebner doing? He should be counting Steamboat right here.
 He's reprimanding the champion.
 [As George Steele is helping Steamboat back in the ring] Yeah, but he's giving Steamboat a chance to recover and he's letting Animal Steele out there. Now look at, you talked earlier on about how managers should not be touching people and helping people–look what's going on out there.
 He's not a manager, he's a friend.
 Oh that's different then. He should've been counted out by Dave Hebner, the referee. I've already counted to 20.
 [after Savage kicks Steamboat in the head] Oh, he put his head down. I don't blame him, he's probably exhausted.
 [Savage runs at Steamboat, who backdrops him over the top rope]
 OH!!!
 Backdropped right over the top.
 That should be a disqualification. That was an intentional throw over the top by Steamboat to save himself.
 Just like the deliberate clothesline; I'd say they're even right now, Jess.
 I tell you, you got an answer for everything, Gorilla.
 Well, that's why I'm here—to keep you in line.
 [As Savage climbs to the top rope with the bell, Steele shoves him off]
 Flagrant interference from the outside.
 The Animal pushed him right off. I think the bell rang Savage in the head, Jess. But the champ still in control... [Savage attempts to bodyslam Steamboat, who grabs the leg and rolls into a small package] No, small package by the Dragon.
 [Hebner counts to three]
 No!
 He got him! I don't believe it! History is made!
 You talk about a miscarriage of justice, Monsoon! Flagrant outside interference on the part of Animal Steele!
 History made here in the Silverdome for WrestleMania III!
 Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat!
 Standing ovation by this capacity crowd, Elizabeth was in tears, Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat the new Intercontinental Heavyweight Champion.
 Well, all I've got to say, Gorilla Monsoon, is that Steamboat'd better cut that belt in half and give half of it to George "The Animal" Steele, because without "Animal" Steele's flagrant interference, "Macho Man" Randy Savage would've won; he had Steamboat pinned for 30 or 40 seconds. Deny that.
 But the referee was out of it, Jess. I'm not denying that fact.
 I don't wanna hear the Honky Tonk Man sing.
 Really? You'd rather hear Alice sing?
 Well, yeah, or anybody else, for that matter.
 I'd like to see Jimmy Hart get his hands on Alice Cooper.
 Please, are you kidding? All 101 pounds of him.
 Hey, Alice don't weigh but about 112 and a quarter.
 Yeah, but Alice's got snakes, Jess.
 Ladies and Gentleman, may I have your attention please? I have just been informed that we have a very special announcement and here to give the announcement is the World Wrestling Federation's own - Mean Gene Okerlund!
 [Mean Gene enters the ring to a huge round of applause and then grabs the microphone to make the history making announcement]
 March the twenty-ninth 1987. Thanks to our millions of fans all around the world, and a special thanks as we have established - all of us - a brand new indoor attendance record - of 93,173. Give yourself a big hand.
 [The audience cheers as the spotlights roam the arena]
 Wow!
 93,173 here in the Silverdome, Pontiac, Michigan.
 Let's hear it!
 History has indeed been made.
 Bigger than the Rolling Stones.
 You got that right.
 Broke the record that the Rolling Stones set in New Orleans. 93,173 — Gorilla, did they count you and I in that, or is it 175?
 I don't think they counted you and I, Jess.
 Well then I think we should bump it up two more.
 [Nikolai Volkoff is starting to sing the Soviet National Anthem prior to the match between The Killer Bees and himself and The Iron Sheik when Hacksaw Jim Duggan runs down the aisle and chases them outside the ring.]
 Volkoff. Volkoff understand one thing, you're not singing that Russian National Anthem. Because this is the land of the free, and the home of the brave!!!
 Andre the Giant, just moments away from your stepping through the ropes and into the ring to meet Hulk Hogan in the biggest title match of all time. I want get your thoughts.
 Gene, you see me now. And I'm going to the ring and believe me, it's not going to take me too long to come back right in front of the camera with the World Championship belt around my waist.
 Bobby?
 Oh I can feel it. Oh the adrenaline's going! This man right here is going to make me famous. He's going to become the Heavyweight Champion of the world, and I'm going to go down in the history books as the manager of the World's Heavyweight Champion. I'm ready. Hogan, you'd better be ready!
 Moments away from the biggest Heavyweight Title defense of this man ever. Hulk Hogan, you've got to be ready.
 Well you know, I hope Pontiac, Michigan, recovers man. I'm glad I snuck in early last night, brother. I didn't realize the interstates, the Pontiac Silverdome was in danger. Not the 90,000 plus on the inside. It's the 90,000 plus on the outside of the Silverdome. Those are the ones I'm worried about, because when I get my hands on that big nasty giant. When he faces the truth, when he feels the wrath of Hulkamania. The day the whole Earth is going to shake. What are those 90,000 plus Hulkamaniacs on the outside gonna think? I'm not worried about the people on the closed circuit. I'm not worried about the people all around the world. They'll see it! But the intensity of Hulkamania. The way it's turned this whole state upside down. The way the whole world's turned upside down. What are they gonna think when the giant hits the ground, he feels the wrath of Hulkamania and the whole world shakes at my feet?
 We could conceivably blow the roof off this great facility, the Silverdome.
 [said at every WrestleMania] I wanna say hi to Terry, Tyrel, and Jade in Minneapolis.
 This is the main event of the evening. It is for the World Wrestling Federation Championship. It is scheduled for one fall with a one hour time limit. First, the challenger, accompanied by his manager, Bobby "the Brain" Heenan. He hails from Grenoble in the French Alps, he weighs 520 pounds, Andre the Giant!
 An awesome figure. The 7'5" figure of Andre the Giant who has literally been brainwashed by that man right there, Bobby "the Brain" Heenan.
 No, I disagree with you a little, Gorilla. The man has never had a championship title match. Don't you feel, in a 15-year illustrious career, that he should be granted one shot at the title?
 Jess, the man never, #1, asked for a title match, and #2, never wanted a title match. To my knowledge.
 Never wanted it? Your knowledge is wrong, because right here he's got one, and he definitely asked for it—he ripped the shirt off the champion, as well as the crucifix. I figure that's a direct way of asking for it.
 Yes, it certainly is, but all that came at the provocation of that guy right there with the white waiter's jacket on, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.
 There he is—7'5", 525, neck 24, chest 71, biceps 21, hands 16, wrists 11 inches, forearms 17, thighs 36, calves 22.
 You could be looking at the next heavyweight champion of the world.
 And I just gave you the tale of the tape!
 And now his opponent. He is from Venice Beach, California. Weighing in at 294 pounds. He is the World Wrestling Federation Heavyweight champion, Hulk Hogan!
 The roof of the Silverdome about to explode here! As the Hulkster greets and these 93,000 plus greet him. You're looking at the greatest professional athlete in the world today. The world's heavyweight champion.
 Well right now Gorilla, he may not be a few minutes from now. Let me run it down. Hogan—6'8", 294, neck 21, chest 58, biceps at a phenomenal 24 inches, forearms 18, wrists 9 inches, hands 13 and a half, thighs 30 and a half, calves 20, the tale of the tape!
 Look at the stare of the champion against the challenger. The irresistible force meeting the immovable object.
 Look at the size of the Giant! I mean Hogan is 6'8"
 Andre is 7'5"! The bell has gone, this one is officially underway. Look at the look of the disdain on the face of Andre.
 What's Hogan saying to him I wonder? What could Hogan possibly be saying to him?
 Certainly like to be able to read lips at this point.
 He's almost, he's hulking up right now!
 Shove by Andre and the champion retaliates. Oh, big right hand blocked by the champion and the Hulkster unloading! Going for a slam! Oh, he almost got him up. Oh, he collapsed! One, two. [Hulk kicks out] Two count only.
 Two count? Was that two or was that three?
 Two count only.
 Ooh, that was close, Gorilla!
 Shoulder was up.
 Oh, was that close. Andre thinks he's won it just like that. Hogan is hurt! Hogan went for a bodyslam early in the bout and he may have injured his back.
 May have hurt that lower back area for sure with that extreme weight of Andre the Giant. Referee showing the timekeeper that it was a two count and the shoulder came up.
 He's hulking up, Jess! We're seeing what this guy is made of! What he is! The greatest professional in the world today--
 [Hulk Hogan scoops up Andre the Giant]
 Look at this!
 HE SLAMMED HIM!
 HE SLAMMED THE GIANT!
 I DON'T BELIEVE IT! I DON'T BELIEVE IT!
 Hulk dropping the big leg! Over for the cover! [Hulk pins Andre] IT'S OVER!
 HE GOT HIM! UNBELIEVABLE! I never thought it could be done Gorilla!
 Neither did these 93,000 plus as the world's heavyweight champion, Hulk Hogan has proven to everyone what he's made of.
 What can I say? I never thought it could be done, Gorilla Monsoon.
 He's thanking the guy upstairs Jess, as he always does. Let's get the official announcement.
 The winner of the bout, and still World Wrestling Federation Heavyweight Champion — Hulk Hogan!!
 Listen to the ovation. He is truly a Real American Jess.
 What could I say? I'm the man who tells it like it is. I'll give credit where credit is due. I never thought the man could ever defeat Andre the Giant.
 Never underestimate the ability of the World's Heavyweight Champion Hulk Hogan - he proved a lot of guys wrong Jesse.
 That he did Gorilla.
 You're looking at a tremendous individual. [Andre and Bobby Heenan prepare to leave the arena, but not before Andre threatens Hulk saying I'll be back]
 That's the first time in 15 years that Andre the Giant had ever been defeated.
 Ever been slammed for that matter Jesse.
 Wow. And that's 525 lbs and that's not dead barbell weight, that's 525 pounds of living flesh that he picked up and slammed.
 You know Uecker, if Vanna White is great taste then she's less filling then.
 Yes I'm really familiar with that.
 Hey Uecker! I'll bet you never saw anything like this when you were in baseball!
 Nah, this looks like the final day of cut down day in Spring Training!
 [during the invitational battle royal] Dr. Frank Jobe would have a picnic at this thing.
 Hey, Uecker, know something?
 Yeah, what?
 With your lifetime batting average of .200, that means with every swing, you could only hit one guy out of five.
 Well, at least the guys that went out first got their per diem money.
 Well...
 You know what I mean?
 Yes, I know.
 It's the only way to go.
 Please! I'm going to have trouble broadcasting with the Body and Uecker here.
 [After Ken Patera eliminated Nikolai Volkoff, he gets Boris Zhukoff out as well] Hey U.S.A is in! Yes sir!
 [Bad News Brown eliminates Patera from behind] Yeah there went U.S.A., Uecker.
 That's kinda like talking to the third base coach before you lay down the bunt, Uecker. Then again, in your case, Ueck, you gotta make contact with the ball.
 [reading proclamation] "Whereas the World Wrestling Federation has experienced certain extraordinary circumstances concerning the Championship, and whereas the World Wrestling Federation sought to establish a fair and just way to diligently determine who should be the undisputed WWF Champion, and whereas WrestleMania IV has selected as the specific site to determine who will be the undisputed Champion by way of an elimination championship tournament, and whereas the top 14 competitors in the World Wrestling Federation have been selected and paired and are present in readiness to compete, I now proclaim that the championship tournament should begin." With champagne wishes and caviar dreams, may the best man win. I'm Robin Leach and I do know why.
 You know what'd be unique that just came to mind to me, Gorilla? Let's say if DiBiase advances here, and let's say Andre beats Hogan, that means that DiBiase and Andre would face each other...correct?
 Not necessarily—if DiBiase's victorious here, he has to meet the winner of the Muraco/Bravo match.
 Right, but let's just say that DiBiase wins twice, it could end up Andre/DiBiase; what will happen?
 Well, money will talk, I think, Jess.
 You think Andre'd step aside, or will DiBiase step aside and let Andre go forward, feeling he's the unbeatable man?
 Well, it's possible, but he tried that before, and he knows that he can't get the belt without beating the champion.
 For what you did to that dog, the ASPCKGBY ought to be on you forever.
 I don't have to take insults from you or anybody else. You talk about people writing in letters? You had over 700,000 votes to get into the Hall of Fame. You'd have had a lot more than that, but you ran out of stamps.
 What was your biggest weight that you wrestled at?
 440. Superheavyweight.
 440. The heck did you eat when you weighed 440?
 Just about everything...
 I know, you were on a see-food diet, right? You ate everything you saw.
 I know right where Vanna's at, but I just can't say my room number over the air.
 It takes a man-and-a-half to do that.
 What, to sit out there and pose?
 [Tito Santana hits Demolition Ax with his flying formarm.]
 Chico learned that move in the Mexican Football League. The MFL.
 accompanied by himself...uh-uh—he's got the big boy with him, Andre the Giant. Here is the Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase.
 [On the Twin Towers—Akeem and the Big Bossman]
 Biggest tag team in professional wrestling today, bar none.
 Well, I won't argue with that unless you've got a double, Gorilla.
 Million dollar champion? Who did he beat?
 I know who he beat. He beat the banker.
 [During the match between Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake and Ted DiBiase]
 If you make a mistake in this league, it'll cost you the match.
 But not the Million Dollar Belt.
 No, definitely not, because the guy wouldn't put it up.
 Yeah, but you know, you think about it Gorilla, what is Brutus putting up for collateral?
 His reputation.
 Aw, that's worth about two cents.
 [on the Bushwhackers' walk to the ring] Gorilla, I noticed you the other night walking through the casino looking like that.
 Me?! Walking through it looking like that?
 Walking like that. Why is that?
 Was I? Well, sometimes it happens. You know, you get caught...
 Were you hittin' the joy juice, Gorilla?
 No, absolutely not.
 You know what that does to animals.
 Yeah, no, I never partake.
 Here's two guys that look like they're on the joy juice. Some kind of juice.
 I tell you what, in your day, Jess, they would've been tough for anybody because they're so unorthodox.
 What do you mean, in my day? When was I around, when Henry Ford built his first car?
 No, but you were around when I was still in the squared circle and I've retired.
 No, no, no!
 You don't think so. I remember it quite well.
 Look at this, they got poor Jimmy's coat, and these guys'd probably eat it. They probably didn't get enough to eat at brunch.
 You got to give Mr. Fuji credit. He ran that 5K run in a tux too.
 Boy, has he got you to be a believer! He wasn't even sweating in the end! He obviously got onto one of those pushcarts on the boardwalk and had someone push him around for 2 3/4 miles.
 I can't believe the jealousy in you Monsoon. Fuji's out there training while you're throwing dice.
 Rick Martel, what kind of an explanation do you have for actions out there?! You left Tito Santana high and dry! You walked away from your tag team partner!
 Well, as far as I'm concerned, he just got what he deserved. I'm sick and tired of him, and I'm sick and tired of carrying him around. I was doing great when...ever since I've been in WWF as a singles wrestler, but no—Mr. Tito wants to ride my coattail once more. I'm sick and tired of him; I've been carrying him around too long already!
 Wait a minute, Martel, you're out of line. Strike Force was supposed to be a team! A team!
 I don't want to be associated with that guy, he's a loser! You saw his timing was way off. You're lucky that being the gentleman that I am that I just walked off. That could have been a lot worse for you Tito Santana. I'm tired, I'm fed up with you!
 Ladies and gentleman, as a very special attraction of WrestleMania V, it is now time for Piper's Pit!
 Oh, I'm gonna like this.
 Without any further ado, let me introduce to you a man who needs no introduction. A man who hosts his very own talk show named after him. A man who thru thick and thin has never backed down from anyone. A man who pulls no punches and does things his way. A man who when you say 'Rowdy', there's only one....Ladies and gentlemen...
 [Rowdy Roddy Piper's theme hits]
 Oh there's the bagpipes.
 Well, it's been a long time since we've seen the Rowdy one Gorilla.
 I can't wait to get a look at him. {The curtain rises, but instead of Rowdy Roddy Piper, Brother Love appears. Wait a minute!
 Ha ha!
 That's not Piper.
 That's Brother Love.
 What's he doing with a kilt on? Come on.
 Boy Gorilla, did you get taken for a ride on that one?
 What is this, some kind of a joke or what?
 Fooled you. Fooled Howard Finkel. Fooled everybody.
 Take a look at those legs. Are we saying at this particular time that the Rowdy one is not gonna make an appearance?
 I don't know. But he got scared of Brother Love.
 I doubt that very much.
 Well, where would Brother Love get that kilt from?
 The same place he gets all those rings from.
 Piper may be laying in the back beaten up by Brother Love.
 Highly unlikely.
 And on top of that, with no pants.
 Aw please.
 Or I should say no skirt.
 I'm sure we'll find out very shortly what's going on obviously a change in the order of events as to who is supposed to come out first.
 Apparently, it's no longer gonna be a pit. It's gonna be the Brother Love Show.
 [Howard Finkel introduces Brother Love to the audience]
 I...love...you...
 He's talking to you Gorilla.
 Yeah, well the feeling isn't mutual.
 And welcome to the Brother Love show. And as my special guest, I have a very special guest. His name is Brother Rodney....Piper. [Brother Love sits down on one of the stools and continues] Brother Rodney, welcome to the Brother Love show. [Brother Love takes off his glasses, gets up and sits in the stool seated right next to him.]
 He's not playing with a full deck.
 Look.
 [impersonating Rowdy Roddy Piper] Oh gosh Brother Love. You know, I gotta tell ya, it's a pleasure to be on your show. I watch ya every single week. Your on TV. Ya know, I love your show. I love it when ya say I love you just as much as you say you love me. I love it. I'm in awe.
 Hey, not bad.
 You know, brother Morton, I love you. But you see, that doesn't mean that I like you.
 Let me tell you, Brother Love—any guy who wears a skirt, I don't want to love me.
 Well, tell me, Brother Morton, how does feel to be here on The Brother Love Show? You see, I'm running the show here.
 You ain't running nothing, fat boy, with a belly like that.
 You know, Brother Love, with them cute little knees like that, your hair all breezed back, that cute little flower there, and that tie, the only thing that bothers me is that your face is red, and I don't know if that's high blood pressure, or you're just scared to death of me.
 You can't scare me.
 [Piper screams once, sending Brother Love back in a fright]
 Well so far, we know he's a liar.
 Is there anything about you at all that may be from Scotland?
 I'm a little bit Scotch.
 If you're a little bit Scotch, then— Scotch, did you say?
 Yeah, Scotch.
 Scotch is what a Scotsman drinks. Now if you are any part of you a Scotsman, then...under that skirt there...
 This is a kilt.
 No, no, this here's a kilt; that's a dress, baby.
 That looks more like a dress.
 [Starts to look under Piper's kilt]
 I'll bite your face off if you do that. Tell me. If you are a real Scotsman, then you don't got nothin' under that kilt there, do you? Huh? No, I mean it! If you are a real Scotsman, there ain't a lick of thing under there. Excuse me, I should rephrase that. I don't mean he hasn't got anything under the kilt, I should say you're not wearing anything. We all know you ain't got nothin' under there!
 You know, there was, a long time ago, there was a great bass tenor, and he was your father. He was an Irish tenor. His name wasn't Downey. Why do you call yourself Morton Downey Jr.?
 That's the name your mama wanted to call me from the husband who reared me.
 [Piper steps away contemplating revenge for the burn, but comes back with a smile]
 Oh, my, my, my, my, my, my. Funny guy. Okay. Tell me something, Mr. Downey. You used to have all these nasty warts all over your face—big, nasty green ones. The only thing you could go out with was a guy who rang bells and used to walk [with hunchback] hello, nice to see ya. What happened to the warts?
 I gave them to a homeless warthog.
 I didn't know your girlfriend was homeless.
 I'm gonna ask you one more time, please don't blow the smoke in my face. I'm talking to a guy, this is the guy here that said...[Morton takes a puff and blows it out towards the audience] Thank you very much, that's mighty white of you. This is the guy here... [Morton takes another puff, and immediately turns and blows in Piper's face] You know, that's, like, the fourth time you've done that, and I'm goin' say this to you again. Don't blow no more smoke in my face. Do you understand that?
 Try it. Try it. You'll like it. [Morton slowly blows in Piper's face, who takes it in] You like it? That good? Think about that. That's good. That's good. That's good for you, that's healthy. Look, you could live as long as I have.
 You know something? You know, wait a second. I judged you wrong! That's true, that was kind of nice. Gave me that kind of aromas, early goat's flavor in my lungs, made my skin yellow. You know, would you happen to have one of those for me? I'd like to smoke one of them. Would you mind just lighting up one of them puppies, and give it on over to ol' Hot Rod here, would you? Do that for me. [As Morton's back in turned, Piper lifts and replaces a stool, revealing a fire extinguisher, which Piper picks up] Yo, Mr. Downey, give me that smoke, would ya?
 [As Morton turns around, Piper blasts the extinguisher in his face, sending him to the ground.]
 I think the fire's out, Jess.
 [Following the premiere of the trailer of Hulk Hogan's movie No Holds Barred]
 No Holds Barred. Holy mackerel! Jesse, I believe the Hulkster's invading your territory.
 [outraged] How dare him step into Hollywood, Gorilla Monsoon! Let me tell you something, Hulk Hogan. Hollywood is my domain. But I can see why you're doing it. You're doing it, Hogan, because you're going to lose to the Macho Man! And when you lose to him, you're going to have no job Hulk Hogan! So you're going to have to come out to Hollywood? Try to invade my territory? It ain't big enough for the both of us Hogan! But if you want to come out, I'll give Hogan a job in Hollywood, HE CAN DRIVE MY LIMO!!
 Completely bent out of shape, Jesse Ventura. Talking about people infringing on his territory. Merely, the Hulkster's gone out and made a movie, the name of it, No Holds Barred. Boy, we've seen plenty of action so far here in Wrestlemania V. Of course, Demolition retaining their World Wrestling Federation Tag Team Championship belts and did it in a really good fashion, putting away Mr. Fuji. [Jesse returns] You're having second thoughts? It was very unprofessional of you, Jess, to just storm out of here like that.
 I'm a professional, Monsoon. They're paying me big money to be here. I'll earn it and don't you give me no hard time. I've had enough for now!
 Hulk Hogan, the only thing I can say what a difference a year makes. A year ago at this time at Wrestlemania IV, you were at the side of The Macho Man when he became the undisputed World Wrestling Federation Champ. One year later, here in Atlantic City, you're going to be challenging this very same man for the world crown.
 Well, you know you're exactly right, Mean Gene! One year ago, brother, me and The Macho Man were as one! We were best of friends! We would do anything to win together, brother! And if you would've told me one year later right in the very same place that it started, in the Trump Plaza that we'd be locking horns, going head on head for the WWF Championship, I'd a called you a liar, Mean Gene! But you know something? I should've seen this thing coming, man. As The Mega Powers team was formed, brother, as the SummerSlams, as the Survivor Series went down, as the Mega Powers started growing together, the Mania was a little bit ahead of the Madness, man, but it really didn't matter! You were either in, or you were either out, brother! You either believe, or you didn't, man! And you were either ready, or you weren't! The Macho Man made me feel that he believed in the three demandments--of the prayers, the training, and the vitamins! He made me believe that he was in my corner, Mean Gene! And he also made me believe that he was ready to fight all odds! That's why I stuck with him, brother. That's why we stayed together so long.
 You know it's that relationship with The Mega Powers deteriorated even further...Macho Man Randy Savage went so far as to attack your Hulkamaniacs.
 Oh, yeah! He did more than just attack the Hulkamaniacs, brother! He went so far as to put our manager, the lovely Elizabeth, right between us, man! It was him that eaten alive by the jealousy! It was him that was eaten alive by the lust, brother! It was a simple fact that The Macho Man couldn't be the man that all my Hulkamanics wanted him to be, brother. He couldn't handle the load! He couldn't handle the pressure! But what really tore us apart, was the way he was so jealous of Hulkamania. The way he put Elizabeth between us. The way he manipulated her. The way he twisted this whole beautiful thing around! But I found out one thing, Macho Man. You're not a believer in the demandments, brother! Brother, you're a cheap shot artist! You take whatever you can, get as quick as you want! You were never in my corner! You were always on the outside waiting for me to make the first move! But just like Donald Trump, Macho Man, I hope you're ready, brother, because Donald Trump has questions in his own mind! He sent a whole team of seismologists out here to check the foundation of the Trump Towers! Because, when the Mega Powers explode off the launching pad, brother, as we erupt over the whole Atlantic City, he was worried about the foundation! He was worried that the thousands of people in the arenas might become unseated and swallowed by The Earth! Donald Trump, don't worry about my Hulkamaniacs. They're survivors. They're ready. But you, Macho Man, I don't care where you stand! I don't care what you believe in! All I'm want from you is your best! I want you to be ready! I want the Macho Madness to be at his peak, because when Hulkamania rules, when Hulkamania lives forever, when Hulkamania puts you down on your knees, I want the whole world to realize that I beat you at your best! And at the end of Wrestlemania V, I will be the World Wrestling Federation Champion! And whatcha gonna do, Macho Man, when the whole world full of Hulkamaniacs DESTROY YOU?
 C'mon Gorilla, quit playing such favorites out here. Announcing...
 If the shoe fits, put it on that's what I say, Jess.
 I used to like broadcasting with you. You're getting worse than McMahon.
 I am?
 [on Sensational Sherri] She's comparing herself to Miss Elizabeth? Give me a break. The two shouldn't even be mentioned in the same sentence.
 One's a woman, and one's a girl.
 I had a manager in 1981, Classy Freddie Blassie.
 Yeah, he took your career straight down the toilet.
 [During a match between Bad News Brown and Hacksaw Jim Duggan] Bad News looking for some additional help in the form of a steel chair.
 The referee has disqualified both men!
 Why does he keep badmouthing Elizabeth, Jess? Why doesn't he leave her alone?
 She deserves it. She ought to be in his corner doing what she— hey, he took her to the top, Gorilla.
 He also slapped her all around in the dressing room.
 Who the hell was Elizabeth before she got with Macho?!
 She was his manager! How do you think he ever got a title shot?!
 Not from her!
 Oh he raked his eyes! I tell you, I don't know how the pukesters can cheer for this guy. He's as dirty as they get!
 If the Macho Man successfully defends the title, finally, finally we'll have two champions that I like.
 You're referring to Ravishing Rick Rude and the Macho Man?
 Absolutely. Those are champions kids can be proud of.
 [on Hulk Hogan] Right there you've got a guy who will stoop to any level, he'll stoop to any level to get what he wants.
 the awesome force of the Colostomy Connect...
 Hey, hey, baldy, what did you call them?
 The Colossal Connection!
 No you didn't!
 What did I say?
 Never mind. But if you want to talk evacuation, fine. Because that's exactly where Demolition is headed.
 Right.
 They're headed straight to the treatment plant. And gentlemen, we know how we're going to treat them, don't we?
 We're going to eliminate them! [Andre laughs evilly]
 Come on! Let's get moving.
 All right! The Colossal Connection—they're anything but regular guys.
 [as Earthquake poses] Reminded me of you in your younger days, Jess.
 Now, wait a minute. I had a little more definition than the Earthquake.
 Sean Connery was named "Sexiest Man in the World," and he has my hairstyle.
 I know that.
 You know how I can't miss in Hollywood, Gorilla? I got Paul Newman's eyes, I got Kirk Douglas's chin, and Robert Duvall's haircut. How can I lose?
 But what do you have of your own, Jess?
 [pause] ...And here comes Brutus.
 Well, Tito can knock you out with that flying forearm if you know, Jess.
 Yeah, a burrito will do it, too.
 They said "with a combined weight of 465 lbs." You're telling me that Rhodes only weighs 200?!
 Look at this, Sapphire coming around to save— standing right in front of "The Dream."
 Nail her, Macho! Jump right off on her!
 I can't believe you just said that.
 Hey, she wants to play lumberjack, let her carry her end of the log!
 I find that you're tougher to get along with than a mother-in-law on a weekend visit to my house.
 Don't you concern yourself about getting along with me. I'm the easiest guy in the world to get along with; but when you're 540 lb., 7'4", and it takes two and a half hours for the blood to reach the brain, you don't think real right!
 Wait a minute, Bobby Heenan, where do you have the bal— the nerve to hit Andre the Giant in the face?
 I'll tell you where I got the nerve to hit Andre in the face. You take orders from me! I'm the head of the Family! You listen to me, you go to the top; you don't listen to me, you're never heard from again! You have just committed pal...........
 What are you at a loss for words now?
 No I'm not! We lost the championship! Because he stood on the apron, wouldn't get in the ring, wouldn't help Haku. Haku had to carry the load! I'm starting a new Heenan family. Ones that will listen to me...
 [At the interview area]
 Hulk Hogan, the greatest World Wrestling Federation champion of all time. Here we are at Wrestlemania VI, the waiting's over, here comes the Ultimate Challenge.
 do you want to live forever? And if your answer is yes, Ultimate Warrior, then breathe you last breath into my body. I can save ya, my Hulkamaniacs can save ya. We can turn the darkness that you live in into the light. We can save all your little warriors with the training, the prayers, and the vitamins. But I gotta prove one thing to all my Hulkamaniacs out there — it's not whether you win or whether you lose, the only thing that matters is what kind of winner you are or what kind of loser you are, and Ultimate Warrior, I sure hope you're a good loser, brother. Whatcha ya gonna do at Skydome when the largest arms in the world and Hulkamania destroys you?
 Alright, the time is now. Hulkster, thank you; standing by is Sean Mooney.
 [Cut to the locker room. There we see Sean Mooney with the Ultimate Warrior, who's pacing around the room.]
 Thank you, Mean Gene. I'm with the reigning Intercontinental Champion, the...
 do you, Hulk Hogan, want your ideas, your beliefs to live forever? For, Hulk Hogan, in this normal world, physically, none of us can live forever. But the places you have taken the Hulkamaniacs, the ideas and beliefs you have given them, can live through me, Hulk Hogan. That is why I breathe, that is why the Warriors have come. Hulk Hogan, there are ones that question where you are taking them. Do you no longer want to walk or step into that darkness? Hulk Hogan, the darkness I speak of is nothing of fear. It is about the beliefs... of accepting any and all challenges at the cost of losing everything, Hulk Hogan. You have lived, Hulk Hogan, for the last 5 WrestleManias for this one belief. Now, Hulk Hogan, I come to take what you believe in further than you ever could. I come, Hulk Hogan, not to destroy the Hulkamaniacs and Hulkamania. I come, Hulk Hogan, to bring the Warriors and Hulkamaniacs together as one as we, Hulk Hogan, accept all the challenges with all the strengths of the Warriors and the Hulkamaniacs together. Hulk Hogan, the colors of the Hulkamaniacs are coming through the pores of my skin... and Hulk Hogan... when we meet, Hulk Hogan, I will look at you and you will realize then that I have come to do no one no harm, but only, Hulk Hogan, to take what we both believe in to places it shall never have been!
 We're on our way to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
 Great, I'll call ahead and warn them you're coming.
 [on Hacksaw Jim Duggan] He just pushed the referee.
 He did? I didn't see that.
 What?
 I didn't see it, I was looking...
 What were you doing, filling your... Wait a minute...
 Gorilla I was getting something to drink!
 Jesse Did you stuff your face with a hot dog again?!
 No, I didn't have any hot dogs.
 You've only had seven!
 Bravo taking the upper hand now.
 You got mustard all over your lapels.
 I do not!
 Look at you. You're a mess, Monsoon!
 Well, well, the Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase. Here we are at WrestleMania, and it's the biggest match of your career. Why? Because everything you stand for is on the line, namely the Million Dollar Belt. Oh yeah, it can be yours once again. All you have to do to get it back is go through Damian and me. But you see, Damian and I don't forget. We remember all the times you made people grovel for your money. These were people far less fortunate than you, people who could use your money for essentials, and what did you do? You made fun of them. You humbled them and you humiliated them. Well, now it’s my turn. I’m going to make you beg, DiBiase. You are going to get down on your hands and knees. This time, you’ll be the one that’s humbled. This time, you’ll be the one that’s humiliated, and this time, you will be the one that grovels for the money. And how appropriate, that the money you grovel for is your very own—a victim of your own greed, wallowing in the muck of avarice.
 Longfellow couldn't have said it better.
 [on Superfly Jimmy Snuka] I'll tell you how ugly he is—at one time, a vampire flew into his bedroom, took one look at him, and bit the bedpost.
 I like Jimmy Snuka 'cause he's wearing my wife's underwear.
 Got him with the boot!
 Oh, he nailed him! [Hulk Hogan sets up for the Leg Drop]
 Here it is!
 He... [Hogan goes for the Leg Drop, but the Ultimate Warrior moves out of the way] Oh, he moved out of the way! [In the moment that Hogan is stunned, the Warrior bounces off the ropes and hits the splash] Look out, the big Splash! [counting along with the referee] One...
 Two...
 ["Three"] He got him!
 HE GOT HIM!
 Unbelievable!
 THE WARRIOR'S WON THE TITLE!
 We have a new World Wrestling Federation Champion!
 the Ultimate Warrior!
 [As Finkel says this, a downcast Hogan looks to the heavens and hits his knees in anguish]
 This place has gone crazy!
 UNBELIEVABLE, MONSOON! What a battle, both ways! Hogan missing the Leg Drop, the Warrior capitalizing on it, and getting the three-count just minuscule seconds before Hogan could kick out!
 [Later, Hogan brings the WWF title into the ring]
 Look at the hushed silence going over the crowd.
 They don't know what the Hulkster's going to do and neither do I. [Hogan presents the belt to the Warrior] Oh, look at this! Hulk presenting the belt and raising the hand of the Warrior! [The two men embrace in the ring] The Hulkster has just taken one giant step towards immortality!
 Well, I gotta say this! At least it wasn't a Mike Tyson-Don King type affair! The man lost it, and he's going out like a true champion, Monsoon!
 Unbelievable Hulkster and unbelievable Warrior!
 [Hogan walks to the cart to leave the ring area]
 I do believe Hulkamania will live forever!
 It absolutely will be!
 The blind leading the blind? Even a fool knows that a man only has five senses. But a snake? He has six. We always do it better in the dark.
 [During the Undertaker/Snuka match]
 Another headbutt by the phenom (Jimmy Snuka), slingshot - oh, nice, [Undertaker catches Snuka in mid-air] but look!
 Look at the strength of this man!
 What a power move by The Undertaker. Never seen Superfly - oh - manhandled like this, look out! [He turns Snuka upside down] Tombstone city! [Undertaker hits the Tombstone] NO! [Undertaker folds Snuka's arms and covers him] It's all over, Brain.
 I don't believe it. That is "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka! [the referee counts three] That's impressive. RIP!
 the Undertaker.
 What an impressive victory here in WrestleMania VII for that man, right there, the Undertaker.
 He's not even sweating.
 [This was the beginning of the greatest WrestleMania winning streak of all time by the Undertaker.]
 [referring to Rowdy Roddy Piper, who injured his leg in a motorcycle accident prior to this event] "I've fallen and I can't get up."
 Why don't you stop!
 [on Kōji Kitao] Kitao needs to make a tag to Tenryu.
 I think he should throw in the towel
 What towel?
 Kitowel.
 Kitao is the guy's name.
 Same to you.
 You'd have trouble with his name if it was Fred.
 His name's Fred Kitao? Silly name for a Japanese wrestler, Fred.
 It's amazing that Lou Ferrigno can talk with 20 pounds of crackers in his mouth.
 Will you stop?!!
 Here we are, humanoids, in sunny California — Los Angeles, to be exact. And you've probably been reading in the papers, and everyone's been seeing on TV, this is the home of the great LAPD, Los Angeles Police Department. And you've all seen what transpired out here, how some little ham-and-egger was hiding in the bushes with his little home video camera and he happened upon this incident and took the pictures of it. Well, I've got a treat for you, because you see, I'm gonna give it to you for zip. All you gotta do is get out that rented sofa with the spring sticking up, go over and push your VCR button on Play; we'll furnish the cameraman, and then you can see our brand of justice, the way Mr. Perfect is gonna dish it out to that Barney Fife, the Big Bossman.
 I have Bobby "The Brain" Heenan in my corner, I have the right body, I have the right looks, the ability. I am what I say I am, and I say I'm... [turns around. On the back of his ring jacket it says "Perfect"]
 [listening to the viewers] They're saying it, they're saying it.
 [turns back around] There's only one, you're looking at him.
 [During the Hogan/Sgt. Slaughter match]
 Uh-oh. [Slaughter is handed the flag of Iraq.]
 What's this?
 He's not going to plant that flag on the Hulk, is he? [he drapes it on Hulk Hogan and covers him] Oh no! Come on!
 Give me a break here! [The referee counts, but Hogan kicks out at two] It's not over yet!
 YES! Come on, Hulk!
 He seizes the Iraqi flag!
 [Hogan, on his knees, starts ripping up the flag] Hulkster tearing it to pieces. [Seeing Slaughter coming, he stops ripping the flag and begins to Hulk up] Slaughter comes in... oh, look at this!
 [talking over Gorilla's last sentence] Uh-oh! Here he comes.
 That man made a mistake, putting the flag on the Hulkster!
 Come on, Hulk, get up!
 [Hogan rises to his feet and parades around shaking his hair] That adrenaline flowing right now! The Hulkster seeing the crimson red! [Hogan had been cut open earlier in the match.]
 AH! [Slaughter pounds him, but it has no effect on Hogan. Instead, Hogan points a finger at Slaughter]
 Uh-oh!
 That's it.
 It could be it.
 Here comes the warning.
 [As he says this, Hogan blocks Slaughter's right hand and pounds him with three roundhouses. Then he whips Slaughter in and plants the Big Boot] "You're not going to do that to me; you're not going to do that to the United States of America, and the thousands of Hulkamaniacs." Irish whip and the Big Boot!
 No! Not here, please!
 [Hogan bounces off the ropes and hits the Leg Drop] OH!
 Hulkster off with the Leg Drop! The cover... [Hogan covers Slaughter and gets three] He got him!
 HE DID IT!
 What a comeback!
 He did it for the World Wrestling Federation, and for the United States of America!
 What a comeback!
 Did you hear me?
 I certainly have! History once again made here at WrestleMania VII - an unprecedented three-time winner of the World Wrestling Federation title.
 Hulk Hogan!
 Undoubtedly, the most memorable night in Pay-Per-View history, and you are part of it. WHOA!
 What a thrill to see this, Gorilla! Never seen anything like it. A great comeback! Fans are going crazy.
 The gold once again around the waist of that incredible individual!
 [ Reba McEntire has just sung the national anthem]
 Boy, can Tito's sister belt one out!
 Will you stop?!
 That's Arriba McIntyre!
 It is not!
 WOOOOOOO!!!!!
 [referring to Sensational Sherri] That's my pin-up girl!
 I think you should see your occulist!
 There's nothing wrong with my feet.
 [Again refering to Sherri (and Shawn Michaels)] 
 She is in love with that man.
 Yeah, but is the feeling mutual?
 Pardon?
 Is the feeling mutual?
 Oh, what do you think, she's there, isn't she? He doesn't allow any bim.... uh woman to be there...
 Bimbo? Did you say bimbo?
 I didn't say that, I coughed. I said "Buimmmh".
 [on Sherri] Who do you think does her make-up, Helen Keller?
 Highly unlikely that you're gonna pin anybody with a side headlock. In all my years I've never seen anyone pinned with a side headlock.
 I've pinned a few people with it.
 You???
 Yes.
 Where? In your dreams???
 I can beat you...I can beat any man a million different ways. I had a guy give up one time during instructions.
 Will you stop?!!
 A hard-fought victory for that man right there, Shawn Michaels.
 Someday he'll be wearing the gold representing the World Wrestling Federation. This man's the star of the '90s, Monsoon.
 I told you, Monsoon, I don't think you can hurt the Undertaker! You know, death never takes a holiday.
 Why don't you stop?
 These things just come to me. I feel like I got two brilliant minds.
 Oh boy, I'm in trouble.
 The strength coming from the urn, being held by Paul Bearer.
 What is in that urn?
 You're the guy that's supposed to find that out!
 You're supposed to know.
 You're a broadcast journalist.
 Aren't YOU a broadcast journalist?
 [After the Undertaker Tombstones Jake "The Snake" Roberts outside the ring]
 Tombstone City!
 Oh, no!
 This place has gone bananas!
 I told you somebody is going to be hurt, and it's Jake "The Snake" Roberts. He broke his neck, Monsoon, I bet he broke his neck.
 [The Undertaker rolls Jake into the ring]
 He wants him inside the ring.
 He's out, he's cold, man, he is out. [The referee counts Undertaker's pin] 1, 2, 3.
 Holy mackerel.
 I've never seen Jake the Snake defeated that severely as I seen him at the hands of the Undertaker.
 The Undertaker.
 How on earth are you gonna stop this guy?
 [The Undertaker improved to 2-0 at WrestleMania.]
 ["Rowdy" Roddy Piper and Bret "Hitman" Hart have a staredown in the ring]
 Two ugly people looking at each other. That's fun.
 [On obtaining Roddy Piper's WWF Intercontinental Title]
 What would you do if you were The Hitman?
 Well I'd have my agent buy it for me. And if that didn't work, I'd waffle him out back with a tire iron. I'd get it some way, any way I could.
 I remember when I was champion Monsoon.
 Champion of what?
 The neighborhood! I had the prettiest date the whole block that month. Oh, you should have seen her.
 The only gold you ever had was in your teeth!
 [Piper is about to use the ringbell on Hart, but has second thoughts]
 USE IT!! USE IT!! Waffle him with it! You know the old saying, what the hell use the bell! Hit him! Give it to me, I'll hit him!
 [When Roddy faced Bret for the IC title...after Piper showed some professional courtesy for Bret]
 You know that show of sportsmanship....the respect for each other, the enthusiasm they have....makes me sick!
 Virgil, of course had his nose busted by Sid "Insane" Justice.
 I thought he had plastic surgery. What an improvement.
 Why don't you stop?
 Maybe Elizabeth can go on Love Connection and get a date. Then again I think she's been on that show.
 Will you stop?!!
 I'm Indiana's favorite Bobby. I could've gotten that high school team a win last night, not the guy they had running the ship.
 You couldn't even carry Bobby Knight's towel.
 Who?
 [Referring to locations receiving WMVIII]
 30 countries?
 Yes indeed
 Spell em.
 Shawn Michaels has left the building.
 Who cares?!
 I'll do it again, if you wanna hear it.
 [Ric Flair is walking down the aisle, preparing for his title match with Macho Man Randy Savage]
 You know, if you want to be fair to Flair, you've gotta be fair and say that's a heckuva robe. Only a man as fair as Flair, would show up at Wrestlemania....
 WILL YOU STOP?!
 [Ric Flair has just lost the WWF title to the Macho Man and is backstage with Sean Mooney, Mr. Perfect, and Bobby the Brain Heenan.]
 This is one tough assignment that I'm gonna get comments from the now FORMER World Wrestling Federation Champion, Ric Flair....
 You just shut up Mooney!! This is the way it is. Macho Man Randy Savage, you call yourself a Macho Man? well what's so Macho, what an injustice. I'm not gonna stand around here say anything true Macho Man. You had a handful of trunks. The trunks were up, the stupid referee, a bad job officiating. Bobby, you saw what happened, did you see what happened??
 I just got down from the booth. He had your tights, I saw it, it's on camera, it's on tape, I got it. There's nothing to worry about.
 There is something to worry about.
 There's some tactics that Ric Flair was using that are questionable.
 What we have right now, is a MAN that'll walk around town tonight claiming to be the real World's champion. Claiming to be the second time WWF Heavyweight Champion, He'll be claiming it all!! ANd most of all, he'll be claiming the love of that jezzebel Elizabeth!! Now Savage, unlike a lot of people in the greatest sport of them all, we don't cry over spilled milk, we reassemble the team. The Money, the brains, the nucleus, and we say to our opponent..You did it once. Now let's see ya do it again. One time means NOTHING to my career. Tell 'em Mr. Perfect.
 I'll tell ya what. One time means nothing Macho Man. Like your old lady, you're gonna be damaged goods, because this man has never taken a short cut in the world of wrestling. You Macho Man have taken a short cut. You had a handful of tights. We were out there, we were wrestling. This man was the greatest World Wrestling Federation champion of all time.[Cameras then show the ending of the match] Here is comes, let everybody take a good long look at it because they're all gonna see how the handful of tights.
 Now watch you're gonna get a good look, look at that handful of tights. That's the champion. He's cheated. He don't deserve to have the title.
 He's like his old lady. A Cheater.
 Well the way it stands right now, there is a new champion in the WWF...
 Let's make it clear right now!!! We regroup together. Where I go, Perfect goes. It's all monitored by Heenan. And I got something for Savage..might not be tomorrow, it might be the day after, but I'm gonna beat you and I'm gonna beat you bad, and every time I see your old lady, I'm gonna kiss her on those moist...wet...lips. WOOOOOOOO!
 Atta baby Champ.
 As you know this is not a very safe place to be. I'm out of here. Let's go to Mean Gene Okerlund.
 [After Bobby gets back from the locker room following the WWF Championship match]
 Monsoon, I just got back from talking with Ric Flair. I'm going to make a statement. I'm going to make it now. I'm going to make it clear and to the point. You saw it, I saw it, millions and millions of people saw it; Savage had a fistful of trunks when he used it to pin Ric Flair. Now, a lesser person would quit, they would scream, they would make excuses; we are going to regroup and we're going to get the title back. It's just a matter of time. If we're going to be upset; if we're going to act emotional; well then, we're going to defeat ourselves. We're going to look at this as a positive message, and we are going to go forward and we're going to take that title and we're going to take Mr Savage out eventually. It's just a matter of time. End of conservation.
 Yeah? And how many of you will it take to do that?
 It doesn't matter Monsoon, we'll get the job done.
 Mr...Mr Perfect spent as much time in the ring as Ric Flair did!
 You discuss that with them. I'm a broadcast journalist...
 You're a liar!
 I'm a financial advisor...
 You're a liar!
 ...and I'm going to sit here and do my job like the gentlemen I am.
 You're a liar!
 And if you don't like it, you can get outta here...
 You're a liar!
 ...and take your microphone and your headset and you know what you can do with them (now getting hysterical) 'cause you're not going to get me upset!!
 You are upset.
 You understand me?! You're not going to get me upset!
 Don't jump, it's a long way down!
 Put 'em up! [Gorilla scoffs] Put 'em up!
 Boy oh boy, the Brain has really lost it folks.
 Instead of being thrown out of the ring, he should've done the pitching.
 Who should've done the pitching?
 T.t..t.Tatanka. But then again, if the Indians had more pitching, they'd be a better team.
 Why don't you stop?
 Did you ever say hello to Tatanka?
 Yes.
 Did you do it properly?
 Yes....
 You said "Heyhowareya!" Heyhowareya!"
 He doesn't do that.
 Do unto the man as he would do unto you...but do it first.
 We're gonna make Julius Caesar proud!
 I've never seen anybody thrown over the top rope like that and then waffled from behind by Afa's stick.
 You forgot to mention that one of The Headshrinkers pulled down that top rope to help the situation out a little bit.
 I didn't see it.
 I know you didn't, but I don't expect you to see it.
 Excuse me! You've got on sunglasses and a hat pulled down. How could you see it?
 I saw it too Bobby, and I'm not wearing sunglasses.
 Yeah, but you're from Oklahoma.
 What does that got to do with it?
 You don't know anything!
 He's got a built in excuse for everything.
 Here's a cover by Luger, 1, 2, and Luger's feet were on the ropes, good call.
 Yeah good call.
 [sarcastically] Good call. That's great. Really good. Good Call.
 That's Heenan's voice. I bet you can't tell that.
 The Undertaker!
 Oh come on! For what?
 [Undertaker improves to 3-0 at Wrestlemania.]
 I can't think of a better individual who can share with us his perspective regarding just who is gonna be the new World Wrestling Federation Champion. Four-time Champion himself, Hulk Ho... [seeing Hulk's black eye] You know, Ted DiBiase said something about it. What in the world happened?
 Well, you know something, Mean Gene? I just left the WWF Champion's dressing room, Bret "The Hitman" Hart, and the one thought I wanted to leave him with was that all the Hulkamaniacs and Hulk Hogan are in his corner. But you know, the last couple months, these seem to be the times when people do step over the line. First off, with my bionic brother Brutus. And then last night leaving the gym here in Vegas, I guess money can buy certain liberties around this town. They took it out on the Hulkster, brother. But all the little Hulkamaniacs pushed me towards the ring.
 You know, Bret Hart, a little warning to the wise, brother. You're a brother, you're a Hulkamaniac, and since so many people are stepping over the line, I want you to watch this Yokozuna and Mr. Fuji like a cat, brother; I want you to watch every move; and I also want you to know, brother, that me and all my Hulkamaniacs are on your side.
 But as I looked into the eyes of Bret Hart just a few minutes ago, Mean Gene, I know the power of Hulkamania, I know the greatness of Hulkamania, and as I looked into Bret Hart's eyes, I even questioned Hulkamania's own greatness. That's why right now, Bret Hart, I'm issuing a challenge to either you or the Jap, brother! Whoever wins that WWF Title, I want the first shot at it. But let me tell you something, Mean Gene. With me, all my Hulkamaniacs, and the attitude that Bret Hart has, I guarantee you, dude, the WWF Title is staying right here in the WWF, right here in the US of A. And what you gonna do?!
 Was that Little Richard singing or was his underwear too tight?
 [Mr. Fuji hits Randy Savage with the flagpole]
 Oh no! Did you see that?
 No I was looking at the president.
 Boy, this is a tough job here. Todd Pettengill with Rhonda Shear, host of Up All Night on USA. This is great.
 I'm so excited to be...
 [shoving Todd out of the picture] All right, Pettengill, out of the way. Everyone knows why Rhonda Shear's here, and that's to be with the Heartbreak Kid. Everyone knows we're an item. Now, photographer, I'm got him here.
 Yes, yes.
 On three, I want you to say cheese, all right?
 Did you miss me?
 One, two, three, ch... [The photographer is shoved down by Burt Reynolds] Hey, what's going...
 [giddy] Burt Reynolds? Burt Reynolds! Burt Reynolds! Hi, I'm Rhonda Shear.
 Hi.
 Hey, Mr. Reynolds? Hey, she's mine.
 Would you get that chest shaved? It's really ugly.
 [pulling down Burt's jacket zipper, revealing a shirt and tie] What have you got in there? [Leaves in a huff] Oh, come on.
 Go. Never come back.
 Burt, you give me the vapors, but you also keep me up all night.
 You keep me up all night; wish there was something we could do about that. You know what I'd like to do?
 What? What?
 I'd like to go to FanFest.
 Oh, will you take me, please?
 I'll take you wherever you want to go.
 I heard Mabel was baptized at Sea World.
 You have to pin Mo because Mabel is so fat, you try to cover him and your ears pop.
 Obviously, Yokozuna is still the Champion, but he was down, laying in that ring. You gotta admit that.
 Who's got the belt? Who's still the Champion? That's all you need to know, Petting Zoo! Let me tell you something right now! Lex Luger, you thought you had everything well in hand, just like a purring kitten. But you found out, in the immortal words of the great poet and philosopher Ian Anderson, "he who made kittens, put snakes in the grass."
 And I thought Mr. Perfect did a wonderful job officiating. I thought he was fair and square and right down the middle. Remember, the special referees were agreed upon by both parties, Luger.
 Now as to Bret Hart, let me explain something to you, punk! It's no longer a question of whether you're gonna come out of this match with the World Wrestling Federation Title. No, it's a question of whether you're gonna come out of this match with your health, your body, and your career intact. Because you've gotta get in that ring, Bret Hart, and you've gotta think to yourself, you've gotta have the pain, the agony, the degradation, the humiliation of being beaten by your own brother on worldwide pay-per-view, all that running through your mind. And you've gotta have the pain of that knee—don't think we didn't notice it—the pain of that knee that you injured—who knows how badly—coursing through your body, affecting your judgment, clouding your instincts.
 the most powerful, the most intimidating, the most dominant force that's ever existed in wrestling history - the Great, Mighty Yokozuna, still the World Wrestling Federation Champion.
 So Bret Hart, you talk about waking a sleeping giant? He's not only awake; but he's mad, he's enraged, he's furious, and he's hungry! He's hungry and he wants to be fed! And Bret Hart, he's going be the shark, the wrestling ring's gonna be the ocean, and you, Bret Hart, are going to be the blood poured into the water that kicks off the feeding frenzy! He's going to chew you up and spit you out, Hart! And your career may be over at the biggest WrestleMania of all-time. I can't wait to see it happen!
 BANZAI!
 [ Razor Ramon walks under a ladder as he comes to the ring for his ladder match]
 Did you see what he just did?
 That's bad luck!
 Well, you can bet he did it for a reason-
 Yeah! He's stupid!
 Would you walk under a ladder, McMahon? Would you break a mirror? Well, with your face you might break a mirror...
 [as Yokozuna prepares a Banzai Drop on Bret Hart] Yokozuna's going up. Bret Hart is not moving. [Yokozuna loses his balance and falls off the rope, Bret getting away just in time] Wait a minute, he's losing his balance! He just lost his balance on the rope!
 What?! He's hit his head!
 [Bret crawls to Yokozuna and covers him as Piper counts] 1, 2, 3!
 No! No! No way!
 [Piper puts the belt on Bret and points down]
 We have a new champion!
 No way!
 Yokozuna can't believe it.
 Bret "The Hitman" Hart!
 They have seen a new World Wrestling Federation Champion crowned!
 No!
 We are witnessing, ladies and gentlemen, a brand new era! We are witnessing the blastoff of the next decade in the World Wrestling Federation!
 Bob?
 What's the meaning of this intrusion?! That's what's wrong with America today! You people with cameras! You think you can intrude on anybody at anytime!
 Bob, I'm sorry. I was just trying to find out about Pamela Anderson. She's been missing. Sorry to bother...
 Who?
 Pamela Anderson.
 Who's Pamela Anderson?!
 [making his move] Mr. Backlund, check and mate, thank you.
 That's what's wrong with society today! All these young people taking advantage of their elders and showing no respect! Who's the 34th President of the United States?!
 Eisenhower.
 What's the capitol of Honduras?!
 Tegucigapla. [sic]
 Who's the chief justice of the United States Supreme Court?!
 William Rehnquist.
 That's what's wrong with the world!!! They think they know it all!!!
 [as he watches Undertaker enter the arena] The Undertaker, a man who has never lost at WrestleMania!
 [As Bam Bam Bigelow has Lawrence Taylor in a Boston Crab]
 A Boston Crab on a New York Giant. I love it!
 I'm the shit, man! I'm telling ya!
 Shawn Michaels won five Slammy Awards last night.
 I heard he dedicated one of those Slammys to Jose Lothario.
 That's right.
 I bet you'll probally see it in a pawn shop in Tijuana tomorrow.
 [Explaining the rules of the Ironman match]
 Gentlemen, this match is for the World Wrestling Federation Championship. This is an Iron Man match. You will be wrestling for 60 minutes.
 Wow.
 The man who wins the most decisions will be declared the winner and the World Wrestling Federation Champion.
 Hitman's cool.
 A decision can be earned by a pinfall, a submission, a countout, or a disqualification. You MUST... must break on the count of 4; I will disqualify you on the count of 5. If you leave the ring, or if you're thrown out, you have a 10-count to return, or you'll be counted out. Do you gentlemen both understand the rules?
 [Bret Hart winks at someone, then both nod their heads] Oh, the Hitman, ever confident.
 Are there any questions?
 [Both shake their heads "no"] No questions from either individual.
 Good luck to both of you.
 [After the 60 minute time limit has expired, ring announcer Howard Finkel announces that the match must continue.]
 [Bret Hart exits the ring after retrieving his championship belt]
 Ladies and gentleman, may I have your attention, please. The 60 minute time limit has expired. However, this match has been ordered to continue...
 "Why?"]
 ...under sudden death rules. There must be a winner.
 It's not over! This capacity crowd buzzing. They've never seen anything quite like this, and you would only see it in the WWF... [Shawn Michaels loads up his boot...] Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Michaels steps - [and hits Sweet Chin Music on Bret Hart] he got it! He got all of it! Michaels got ALL OF IT! [Michaels pins Hart] MICHAELS WITH A COVER! [counting along with Earl Hebner] ONE, TWO, YES!
 No!
 "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels!
 [moments later, as Shawn is awarded the WWF title] The boyhood dream has come true for Shawn Michaels.
 Here comes the Undertaker!
 [Opening narration]
 the great spectacle, the granddaddy of sports entertainment, a magical night where dreams become reality, where legends stand immortal, where incredible feats of athleticism are indelibly etched in the annals of time.
 But this year, a tempest engulfs utopia. This year, clouds of hatred and anger have eclipsed the heavens, shed darkness on the gods. We've watched as heroes stepped down from their pedestals, witnessed malicious attacks by a depraved Nation, beheld the dark, disturbing flashes from a once benevolent force.
 the cold, unforgiving streets of Chicago.
 Tonight, two giants appear willing to shed their noble armor to embrace their dark sides, to possess the coveted gold.
 And tonight, two angry young men destined to destroy each other will endure intolerable pain in a brutal submission match.
 It's WrestleMania, the Showcase of the Immortals, the greatest night in sports entertainment. It's supposed to be a night of celebration, a time to rejoice. But tonight, none of these men are smiling.
 Phineas Godwinn, the Jethro Bodine of the WWF.
 I call him the highly paid dumb guy.
 [About Bret Hart]
 Here's a man who's had a great legacy. But that legacy has taken a real turn.
 I know he took you for a turn when he shoved you on your keister.
 Yes and I didn't appreciate it one bit. I think Bret was out of line for doing that. As well as all the obscenities that he uttered on live television. There's no excuse for that no matter how many times this man so called has been screwed.
 Well you called him a son of a...
 If Bret Hart loses this match, you wonder what he's gonna come up with as an excuse, because he'll have one in my view.
 Who, Bret Hart? Sure he will! He's a whiner.
 Well, it's what it seems that... his sort of mind is of late, and that's too bad.
 Bret Hart can twist Stone Cold's leg until it looks like the Chicago White Sox' Robin Ventura. It can be turned around backwards, and Stone Cold is still not gonna give up.
 [After Steve Austin attempted to apply the Sharpshooter to Bret Hart.]
 Wouldn't that have been the greatest of all time to have to submit to the sharpshooter? (Laughs)
 It could happen, it's just that painful. Bret Hart really knows how to put it on. Stone Cold Steve Austin may put it on Bret Hart as well.
 Well, Owen taught it to both of them; he's the master of it.
 [Bret Hart has Steve Austin in the Sharpshooter]
 Who would blame Stone Cold if he gave up?
 [as Austin screams with blood pouring over his face] Say the word, Steve!
 NOOO!!
 The blood pouring from the forehead of Stone Cold Steve Austin. He continues to resist, continues to resist the pain.
 These people are standing! Can you imagine the pain rushing through Austin's body?!
 Look at the blood spurting from his temple.
 Steve, answer me!
 Austin's losing blood, Austin may be losing consciousness. [Austin starts pushing himself up] Austin trying to get one more rush of adrenaline!
 Austin trying to power out! It's not a pretty sight! Stone Cold Stone Austin!
 [Austin is almost all the way up] Impossible! He's doing the impossible!
 Nobody's ever done this! Nobody's ever broken.
 [Austin manages to topple Bret over, but Bret holds on]
 He did it! He did it! Austin did it!
 Austin broke the Sharpshooter! Or did he?!
 [as Bret sits back into it] No, Bret still has it on! I thought for sure he broke it. Austin trying to reach that rope! Reaching for the rope. Austin will not surrender, he will not submit!
 Bret Hart has beaten every Superstar in the WWF with this move. How in the hell Austin has not given up, I can't understand!
 [over this] STEVE, DO YOU GIVE UP?! Answer me if you give up, or I will stop the fight!
 [Austin has passed out. Shamrock tells Bret to release the hold.]
 That's it!
 Ken Shamrock stopping it, stopping it right now! That's it! Stone Cold Steve Austin passed out!
 Austin is unconscious! Austin never gave up! Austin never gave up! But he passed out from the pain! Austin is out!
 And Bret "The Hitman" Hart has defeated one of the gutsiest individuals ever in the World Wrestling Federation.
 Bret "Hitman" Hart!
 [cont'd] I can tell ya, I've never seen a display of intestinal fortitude like we saw in Stone Cold Steve Austin, who is still unconscious, and quite frankly, needs medical attention right now.
 Boy, that has got to be a tough act to follow, I'll tell you that.
 [At the start of the Undertaker/Sid title match. Bret Hart makes his way to the ring.]
 [doing guest commentary] Oh, Bret very resentful of not being in the main event or being the man. I find that hard to believe. Well he did his best against Steve Austin but just couldn't get it done.
 [grabbing a mic] Hey Shawn Michaels! First of all you phony little faker, why don't you go take your little pussy foot injury?
 [holding Shawn back] All right, knock it off!
 It's ok. I'm not going anywhere.
 And go back to the dressing room and find your smile. But whatever you do, stay out of this match!
 "I'm so scared!"
 [To the Undertaker] And as for you, I just want you to know. That when you slammed that door on my head, you slammed the door on our friendship. And from here on in it's a new set of rules between you and me.
 Your friendship? Oh I can't remember the last time Bret was anybody's friend.
 [To Sid] And you! You know, and I know, and every single person in this building, all know one thing. Is that the World Wrestling Federation title belt belongs to me! And you are a fraud!
 Well it looks like Bret...
 That belt will never belong to you and you know it and I know it and every single person in this building, whether you're here or outside the TV then, you all know that I am the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be!
 [Sid punches Bret]
 Oh! Sycho Sid. Wait a minute!
 And now you're getting beat up because of your big mouth.
 [Sid gives Bret a powerbomb while Shawn Michaels laughs]
 Powerbomb! Bret Hart has experienced the powerbomb one more time! And after that submission match, that's going to put him in a bad way.
 See? What did I tell ya?
 [Grabbing the mic] Now you take your whiny little ass out of here!
 Yeah! Alright!
 [Later in the same match, Bret Hart attempts to interfere again]
 Jesus!
 Are you kidding me?
 Oh, please stop that... Come on! [Sid attacks Hart, but Hart drives him into the top rope, sight unseen]
 Doesn't he ever get tired of beating up? [Sid, feeling the effects of the top rope, walks straight into the Undertaker's grasp and the Deadman turns him upside down]
 Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
 Tombstone! Tombstone! Tombstone!
 [Undertaker hits the Tombstone Piledriver on Sid] OH!
 HE DID IT! [Shawn begins clapping for the Undertaker as the Undertaker folds Sid's arms and covers him]
 [counting along with the referee] One, two... [Earl Hebner counts three, making the Undertaker 6-0 at Wrestlemania, and the crowd erupts] OH!
 The Undertaker! [Shawn continues to clap for the Undertaker]
 The new World Wrestling Federation champion, the Undertaker, and his creatures!
 The WWF title lives in the dark side!
 And we are in for a wild ride! The WWF and the WWF Championship is going places where it's never been, and frankly, I am excited, and I just want to be a part of it.
 The Dark Days of the WWF have begun!
 [Opening narration]
 The first temptation is to say that tradition has abandoned WrestleMania; that this grand spectacle, this enticing blend of celebrity and athleticism has been taken hostage by a new generation of rogues. The "Baddest Man on the Planet," the toughest SOB, the reigning champion and #1 Degenerate. These are men determined to write their own destiny. To Hell with historians who upend their tale.
 But tradition is indeed alive and well. Because after all, despite the brash bravado, it's the allure of World Wrestling Federation gold that has brought these men here tonight. The very belt that immortalized Andre, Hulk, and Sammartino; the symbol of excellence that inspired Gorilla Monsoon, "The Big Cat" Ernie Ladd, Classy Freddie Blassie; a lineage created by Vincent J. McMahon some fifty years ago. So tonight, through sacrifice and pain, through breathtaking displays of athleticism that defy mortal boundaries, these men that shun tradition are destined to become part of it.
 It's WrestleMania. The grandest of spectacles, the Showcase of the Immortals, a time to revel in the occasion. And somewhere beyond the spotlights, the father of the World Wrestling Federation will revel in it, too.
 [The ending of the WWE European Championship match involving Triple H and Owen Hart]
 Oh, LOW BLOW!!!
 Man, oh man.
 Chyna caught Owen with a low blow.
 Pedigree, whoa!
 [Triple H hits the Pedigree on Owen] Pedigree!
 WOO-HOO! Yes!
 [counting along with the referee] 1,2,3, that's it.
 Brilliant!
 Gennifer, honey, I've just got one question for you tonight at WrestleMania XIV—ain't I great?
 Honey, I've...been with greats, and you are great.
 Well, well, well, the gang's all here. Matter of fact, they're sitting right up there. You know, they call you "hardcore legends." Well, everybody knows that outlaws make legends, so when we're done beating the hell outta you, just what will that make us? Boston, if this is for the weak at heart, please turn your head, Terry Funk.
 [During the match between the New Age Outlaws and Cactus Jack & Chainsaw Charlie]
 We said earlier there'd be no finesse. Hell, there's more finesse in Muskogee on Saturday night on payday weekend.
 [Pete Rose is the guest ring announcer in Boston]
 Hey! Last time I was here, we kicked your ass!
 That's a good way to make friends there Pete.
 You can't win a World Series! My buddy Bucky Dent says hello! You know, I left tickets for Bill Buckner, but he couldn't bend over to pick them up. How 'bout it? They call it "the Curse of the Bambino" right here, the city of losers!
 Easy. King, did you prep Pete Rose?
 Well, we did have a couple of photos made before the match up (laughs).
 [on the match between Undertaker and his brother, Kane] Who will Rest In Peace?
 [Promo before the main event]
 I can still hear the echoes cheering my name.
 Time has not silenced the crowd.
 I never did a moonsault.
 Or walked the top rope.
 There were no pyrotechnics.
 No fancy flashing lights.
 We never flew through the air.
 We were men of courage.
 Men of steel.
 They are men without fear.
 I can still hear the echoes cheering my name.
 But today...
 I cheer for them.
 Austin back up somehow... [Shawn Michaels attempts Sweet Chin Music, but Stone Cold Steve Austin ducks and attempts the Stunner] Oh, Austin dumped him. Austin going for the Stunner, and Michaels counters. [Michaels attempts Sweet Chin Music again but Austin blocks...] Michaels going for another kick. Austin... [...and hits the Stunner] HE GOT IT, THE STUNNER! Mike Tyson in! [Mike Tyson enters the ring and does a fast 3-count] AUSTIN IS THE CHAMPION! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD!
 Stone Cold Steve Austin!
 [over Finkel's announcement] Wait a minute! WHAT? Tyson has double-crossed DX! It's a double-cross!
 The Austin Era has begun! Stone Cold's eight-year journey has been culminated with WWF gold!
 [after seeing Mike Tyson knock out Shawn Michaels with a right hand] OH A RIGHT HAND! TYSON! TYSON! TYSON! RIGHT HAND! DOWN GOES MICHAELS!
 (Opening narration)
 Time. No beginning, no end. An infinite procession that humbles our mortality. But there are moments in life that transcend our fate, memories crafted by gods among men that defy time to forget them. These are the moments that echo through the ages, always heard, never to grow old. Born of will, christened with blood, they are testament to the strong, the mighty, the eminent, deities who defy their own mortality to forge an indelible imprint in the annals of time. Like the mythic gods of ancient Greece, they may thrill us, inspire us, at times makes us angry, but they will never let us forget them. Tonight, is their night, their battle, their moment of ultimate sacrifice. For this is their theater, their altar, their chance for divinity. Welcome to WrestleMania, the showcase of the immortals.
 Wait a minute, wait a minute, no!!!
 What?!
 No, Pedigree, Triple H has turned his back on X-Pac, Triple H is putting on Shane.
 What?!
 Shane McMahon has retained the title. No! What the hell is going on?
 I don't know.
 The winner of this bout and still World Wrestling Federation European Champion, Shane McMahon!
 [after seeing Triple H leaving D-Generation X to join the Corpration.]
 Tombstone! The Tombstone on the Big Boss Man and the Undertaker is victorious!
 "Do you smell what The Rock is cooking?"]
 Introducing first...from Miami, Florida, weighing 275 lbs, the World Wrestling Federation Champion...THE ROCK!
 [The Rock slowly enters with the WWF Championship belt hoisted on his shoulders]
 What an athlete. The WWF Champion. A 27-year-old prodigy!
 I'm telling ya, it's good to be The King, but, it's gotta be great to be The Rock!
 The WWF Title!
 And even you got to admit, J.R., it looks so good over the shoulder of The Rock! I mean, he's the true—I mean, he's the epitome of a champion! He's the kind of man you would want representing your organization! Not some beer-swilling, finger-giving idiot like Stone Cold Steve Austin! Admit it, J.R.!
 Well, that's your opinion. No doubt The Rock is a gifted athlete.
 [The Rock climbs above the turnbuckle where he slowly raises the belt]
 An amazing, amazing specimen! First third-generation star in WWF history.
 [The Rock climbs down to enter into the ring, feigning attack on the referee]
 Uh-oh!
 Oh, what a match-up this is gonna be—
 [Glass shatters to the theme song of Stone Cold Steve Austin's "I Won't Do What You Tell Me"]
 His opponent, and challenger...from Victoria, Texas, weighing 252 lbs, STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN!
 And the Rattlesnake is ready! This crowd is jacked! And here we are at WrestleMania XV!
 [As Austin walks by The Rock begins to taunts him]
 And The Rock already talking trash! Just like he did when he played for the Miami Hurricanes down at—at...at the Orange Bowl! They talk—they talked a lot of trash! They psyched out a lot of people! But, King, I don't think Austin can be intimidated—
 [The Rock obstructs Austin's path while taunting him further. Austin looks to the referee...]
 You don't think— [Austin strikes The Rock first as they trade shots]
 OH! A RIGHT HAND!
 [The bell rings, signifying the start of No Disqualification Match]
 Here they go!
 HERE THEY GO! WWF TITLE, ON THE LINE!!
 Where's Mr. McMahon?
 [Austin Irish-whips The Rock, setting up for a backbody drop]
 [sees Mr. McMahon near their commentary's table] He's lying right in front of us.
 [The Rock counters with a kick to Austin]
 Oh, what a shot by The Rock. [Austin snaps up to receive a clothesline] And a knockdown!
 Wow!
 What a magnificent move by The Rock.
 [Austin gets up and staggers to find himself at The Rock's finishing move]
 HERE WE GO!
 Uh-oh, UH-OH! Rock Bottom. Rock Bottom! [The Rock slams Austin down]
 YES! Give it a count, Mankind! Get in there and count! [The Rock walks around towards Austin's supine body]
 It didn't work earlier, Austin kicked out!
 Oh no.
 But—!
 [The Rock kicks Austin's right arm] Wait a minute!
 The Rock—!
 Yes!
 [The Rock pulls off his elbow pad and throws it to the crowd]
 You want me to do the honors, J.R?
 It's The Rock Bottom's Special! Go ahead, King, I know you like it!
 IT IS THE MOST ELECTRIFYING MOVE IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT HISTORY!
 [The Rock proceeds to drop his patented Corporate Elbow, until...]
 YEA—! [Austin moves out as The Rock missed] OH—!
 NO! AUSTIN—!
 [Mr. McMahon stares in disbelief]
 AH—!
 [Austin's attempt to kick The Rock was caught]
 AUSTIN MOVED OUT OF THE WAY!
 [The Rock, with Austin's foot in his hands, flips him the bird]
 WHAT!?
 [The Rock spins him around to another Rock Bottom, and taunts him further]
 The Rock going for it again, Rock Bottom—!
 [But Austin elbows The Rock to free himself...]
 Get him up, Rock! Get him up—! Oh!
 [...and while The Rock staggers around, Austin flips him two birds...]
 Austin with the elbows—!
 [...and delivers his second Stone Cold Stunner!]
 AHH!!
 THE STUNNER!! THE STUNNER!! [Austin goes for the pin] AUSTIN—!!
 [Mankind, the referee, counts as the crowd chanted, "1...2...3!"]
 [Mr. McMahon reacts in shock as to what just happened]
 NO!!
 AUSTIN WINS!! AUSTIN WINS!! AUSTIN WINS!!!
 STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN!
 This is awful!
 THE RATTLESNAKE RULES!! THE RATTLESNAKE RULES AGAIN!!! AND MR.MCMAHON...MCMAHON IS DISTRAUGHT!! MCMAHON IS ABSOLUTELY...IN A DEEP-CENTER DEPRESSION!! STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN IS THE WWF CHAMPION AGAIN!! THE RATTLESNAKE CLIMBED THE MOUNTAIN!!
 We need to help Mr. McMahon!
 THE RATTLESNAKE OVERCAME ALL THE ODDS!!
 [Austin climbs up the turnbuckle to salute the crowd]
 STONE COLD IS THE MAN!!!
 J.R., show some compassion! We need some help for Mr. McMahon!
 You reap what you sow! Maybe Mr. McMahon got just what he deserve!
 [Mankind raises Austin's arm in victory and hands him the championship belt]
 Good God, what a WrestleMania and McMahon cannot believe it! It is Vince McMahon's saddest day! The Rattlesnake rules! The Rattlesnake is the WWF Champion, by God!
 This is gonna go down as the blackest day in the history of the World Wrestling Federation!
 [Austin signals the timekeeper, Mark Yeaton, for some celebratory beer]
 Plus his first order of business as new champ, he got a—he's got more beers! Oh!
 The Rattlesnake will toast to these twenty-thousand plus fans and the millions watching around the world! He did it! Austin did it!
 [Austin swigs his beer to the crowd]
 What a war that Austin waged with The Rock! Referee's injured! Referee's hospitalized! Referee's jailed! And Austin overcame it all! My God what a night! What a WrestleMania!
 Mr. McMahon, are you alright?
 [mocking Jerry] "Mr. McMahon, are you alright?"
 [Mr. McMahon struggles to get up]
 Help him, J.R., this is awful!
 [Austin leaves the ring and goes towards the entrance but stops]
 Well folks, mark it down...March the 28th...The Rattlesnake is back on top of the mountain!
 [Austin tosses the belt back into the ring as he slides back in to salute the crowd]
 There's 20,276, and by God they love it!
 [on Mr. McMahon] He's hurt! C'mon, J.R., he's hurt!
 [Austin gestures Mark again for more beer]
 Oh yeah, give him more beer! Look at this!
 Mr. McMahon barely able to stand!
 [Austin toasts his beer with referee]
 And The Rattlesnake—
 Look at this!
 —is toasting to referee Earl Hebner!
 Look at Earl—!
 He's toasting the fans! He's toasting everybody that works for a living!
 [on Earl] He can't drink on the job, you idiot!
 The job is done! Has Mr. McMahon ever had a sadder day? Has he ever had a worse day, King?
 No, he hasn't! And this is awful!
 [Austin toast to the championship belt and raises one to the viewers at home shouting, "Ya got that shit right!"]
 LONG LIVE THE RATTLESNAKE!! LONG LIVE STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN!!!
 Oh, baby!
 Let's go boys, time to show WrestleMania some T & A.
 We beat the Hardy Boyz. We beat the Dudley Boyz. We accomplished a life long goal, and that was to win these titles. But not without immense pain. And believe me when I say I’d go through it all again tomorrow if we have to, to keep these things.
 And I can guarantee that Kirk Angel and Mr Roboto are gonna walk out of this match with bumps and bruises and a t-shirt that reads ‘I visited Anaheim and all I got was this lousy t-shirt and a Y2J beating that I will never eeeeeeeever forget again’.
 Anaheim, California, welcome to the Dogg House!
 The D-O-Double-G and X-Pac in Californ-I-A
 Wishin "Happy Birthday" to my boy Dustin J
 Lookin' at the Presidential, it's about that time
 For us to get stinky like some bud that's kine
 Now then, two tears in a bucket
 And if you ain't down with that, we got two words for ya!
 SUCK IT!
 that's the RTC way.
 Personally, I would appreciate it if you'd use the word "extreme" in a much better context. I don't find them to be extremists, I find them to be hypocrites. They're censors, and even I have never liked a censor that I ever met.
 Why would anyone be proud of coming from the state of Texas?
 What do you mean by that?
 Well, if there was a back door at the Alamo, Texas would be in Mexico.
 There's always danger when it comes to the Hardy Boyz because we give it our all every night man, we put our bodies on the line all the time. And TLC matches are very dangerous and you're right, there's alot of elements of danger in these matches and all we got to say is, I mean, I'm going into this match like it's my last.
 The time is now. It's the match that both men have to win, and neither man can afford to lose.
 [After winning the WWF title from the Rock, Stone Cold shakes Vince McMahon's hand]
 They're SHAKING HANDS!
 Austin is shaking hands with Satan himself!! Somebody tell me this isn't happening!
 [After Stone Cold sided with Vince McMahon] What the hell?!? Son of a bitch! Son of a bitch, I don't believe this! Steve Austin's drinking a damn beer with Mr. McMahon! Stone Cold has sold his soul to Satan himself to win the WWF title! WHY, STEVE? WHY THIS WAY?!?
 (as Undertaker and Triple H fight) And here we go! The fight is on!
 [The Rock and Hollywood Hulk Hogan facing off one another]
 This is a WrestleMania moment.
 Look at those eyes.
 On March 17, 2002. You can circle that date on your calendar. 'Cause I can tell you, it's gonna be a day that—that I'll never gonna forget. Quite frankly, a match, I thought I would never, ever see.
 We'll never see Tyson and Ali, we'll never see Babe Ruth and Barry Bonds, but we are gonna get to witness the Rock and the Hulk. Only at WrestleMania, and only in the WWF, J.R.!
 [The bell rings, signifying the start of the match]
 Here we go!
 History in the making now!
 The Undertaker has moved up! He’s 10-0! 10-0!!
 I created Hulkamania, and by God, at Wrestlemania...I'M GONNA KILL IT!!!!!!!!!
 [Chris Jericho is setting up for a Sweet Chin Music on Shawn Michaels]
 No, wait a minute-!
 ...Oh no you don’t, you're kidding me!
 No, would I be kidding? Yeah believe your eyes, you’re seeing it!
 There's impersonation, the most sincere form of flattery!
 Well, not when you can do it better than the original! Sweet Chin Music!!
 Rock, how excited are you? It's WrestleMania, over 54,000 people...
 1...2...3. This is the Holy Grail, the one thing that the Rock has never done, the one thing I've never done. It consumes me, it eats me alive! Coach, this night, the biggest night of my life, this is everything to the Rock—everything. Oh yeah, for the past two occasions, Stone Cold Steve Austin has beaten the Rock right in the middle of the ring, right in the middle of that ring, 1 2 3, he's beaten the Rock. But if there's one thing that Hollywood has taught me, that's Act 1 and Act 2, they don't matter. The only thing that matters, everyone remembers Act 3. The end, the climax, the grand finale, this is the last chapter to the greatest rivalry this industry has ever seen. When Stone Cold Steve Austin goes one-on-one with the Jabroni-beatin', l-l-l-l-ow! pie-eatin', not afraid to sweat, not afraid to bleed, gonna beat that bald-headed bastard, guaran-damn-teed! And then, Coach, the Rock would have done it all. Finally... finally.
 [On Booker T] Maybe he's having a flashback to his time behind bars.
 Why don't you get off that horse. You have ridden it to the godda- to the ground King. To the ground!
 Easy, JR, easy!
 [After Booker T knocks down an interfering Ric Flair]
 This is very disrespectful on the part of Booker T.
 Flair has no business up here, DAMMIT! No business!
 11-0 for the Undertaker!
 You've got the franchise player on the Superbowl stage
 So get that gorilla Big Show out of his cage
 Ain't no way that I'm gonna lose to that King Kong rip-off
 That's like Gary Coleman beating Patrick Ewing in a tip-off
 Big Show's really an ape with posable thumbs
 And he stuffs his singlet, looks like he's smuggling plums
 Everybody knows that he can't see me
 I'm itching to beat him like a penis with a STD
 I'm not even wrestling the Big Show, this whole things a charade
 My match is with the hippo float from the Macy's parade
 So its time to get a championship to match these custom knucks
 Madison Square chant it loud baby, Big Show sucks.
 [Kurt Angle has Eddie Guerrero in an ankle lock on Eddie's injured left ankle]
 Eddie's been dragged to the center of the ring.
 This is it, the ankle lock is on for a fourth time in this match.
 Will the Champion tap out?
 Just tap out, Eddie!
 [Eddie pushes his left foot out of his boot with his right foot, pushing Kurt away with the boot]
 Wait a minute! The boot went flying?
 The boot came off.
 [Angle runs at Eddie, who rolls him up in a small package]
 Look at this! Small package!
 [Nick Patrick counts, not seeing Eddie hook the rope with his feet] One...two... [Patrick counts three] NO!
 EDDIE WINS! EDDIE WINS! EDDIE WINS! EDDIE WINS!
 [Eddie quickly rolls out of the ring]
 Because he cheated!
 Eddie Guerrero!
 [over Chimel's announcement] OH MY GOD!
 What the hell?! Guerrero cheated, I'm tellin' ya!
 What the hell's wrong with that?! He lies, he cheats, he steals! That's who Eddie Guerrero is!
 Kurt Angle's irate! He's hanging onto the boot! Did the boot come off?
 [Angle throws the boot at a taunting Eddie]
 Wait a minute. There's nothing wrong with Eddie's ankle! He outsmarted Kurt Angle, did Eddie! Eddie Guerrero loosened the boot, knowing Kurt Angle would go for the ankle lock again. Eddie Guerrero outsmarted Kurt Angle!
 [to Kane before The Undertaker made his entrance] My son! You're no son of mine!
 I BURIED YOU ALIVE!
 The Deadman and Paul Bearer live!
 [Chris Benoit is being hooked into position for the Pedigree] Triple H, Pedigree time... [Benoit slips out, takes Triple H down, and hooks the Crippler Crossface on him] NO! COUNTERED!
 ACK!
 COUNTERED! COUNTERED! THE CROSSFACE! [Earl Hebner drops down to Triple H's level and asks him if he wants to submit] BENOIT GOT THE CROSSFACE!
 NO! No no no no! Get to the ropes!
 TRIPLE H IS DESPERATE! THE SENSE OF URGENCY IS OVERWHELMING! THE CHAMPION REACHING FOR THE ROPES!
 Fight it! Fight it, Triple H!
 WILL TRIPLE H TAP? CAN BENOIT DO IT?
 ROPES! Get to the ropes!
 TRIPLE H...
 OH! He's fading! He's fading, JR!
 TRIPLE H IS FADING AWAY! IS BENOIT THIS CLOSE TO WINNING THE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD?
 Come on, Game! Reach your foot out, anything! It's your World Heavyweight Championship!
 [Hebner checks the arm, but it doesn't go down]
 Triple H...
 He's still alive; there's life left. REACH!
 The Game is being tortured by the Wolverine!
 Fight! Claw! Come on!
 And he's falling! [Triple H flops on his back, in an attempt to break the Crossface...]
 Oh, no!
 The Game countered... [...but it fails, leaving both he and Benoit on the opposite side of the ring] But look... BUT BENOIT DIDN'T LET GO! BENOIT HELD ON LIKE A PIT BULL! BENOIT IS TORTURING THE CHAMPION WITH THE CROSSFACE! WILL TRIPLE H TAP OUT? WILL HE TAP OUT?
 There's gotta be something that can be done!
 THE TITLE'S ON THE LINE!
 Something, anything!
 THE TITLE'S ON THE LINE! BENOIT RIPPING AND TEARING... [Triple H finally submits and the crowd erupts]
 ACK! Oh, no!
 IT'S OVER! IT'S OVER!
 NO! [Hebner grabs the title and orders Benoit to break the hold, which he does]
 Chris Benoit!
 THIS SOLD-OUT CROWD AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN HAS ERUPTED! CHRIS BENOIT'S 18-YEAR ODYSSEY HAS CULMINATED BY WINNING THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE AT WRESTLEMANIA 20!
 Well, I'll tell you what, folks, for my money, this has been the greatest WrestleMania of all time!
 [During the Money in the Bank Ladder Match, Chris Benoit at the top of the ladder reaching for the briefcase]
 Benoit's gonna win this thing, King. He deserves it after what he's gone through.
 I gotta agree with you now. Benoit does deserve this.
 [Edge nails Benoit in the arm with a chair, sending him off the ladder]
 Into the arm! Edge hit Benoit in the injured arm! And the opportunistic Edge! [Edge climbs the ladder] Don't tell me Edge is gonna win this thing! No, come on!
 Look!
 Somebody get in there!
 He's there! Edge is there! He's teetering... [Edge unhooks the briefcase] but he's got it! Oh, my God, Edge has done it!
 Edge has won the match!
 Edge!
 That chair shot, that vicious chair shot on Benoit's bad arm!
 [Edge runs back, hugging the briefcase]
 Benoit was one step away from winning this Money in the Bank ladder match! One step away, King!
 But I gotta say, if Benoit didn't do it, if anybody deserved to win this match, Edge did. Edge deserved it. Look at that look of satisfaction on his face.
 Well, I figure 20,193 here in Hollywood that might not agree with you. Edge, in any event, can wrestle the world's heavyweight champion, whomever that may be, anytime he chooses within the next twelve months.
 [speaking slowly] Do you... have any i-de-a... why I'm angry?
 You don't like midgets?
 It is the Legend vs. the Legend Killer on the grand stage of WrestleMania!
 [to Mean Gene Okerlund] So let me get this right? You get into the Hall of Fame just for holding a mic for 35 years?
 [Eugene is bouncing a basketball backstage] 95, 96, 97, 98... [DiBiase kicks the ball away from Eugene] Ahh, Eugene! So close, but you don't get the money! HAHAHAHAHA! [turns to Booker T, who with Sharmell is preparing for his handicap match with the Boogeyman] Hey Booker, do you want to make a thousand bucks?
 Hell no, I don't want to make a thousand bucks!
 Everybody's got a price for the Million Dollar Man! HAHAHAHAHA!
 Jim Ross Trish looking for Stratusfaction here.
 [ Mickie James grabs Trish's crotch, causing her to instinctively let go]
 Woah, wait a minute!
 [Mickie licks up her hand, ending between her fingers]
 What the heck?
 ...
 Mickie James trying to take Trish mentally right out of her game after physically trying to take that left leg away.
 Took me mentally right out of my game, I'll tell you that.
 The nutjob has won the title!
 Mickie James!
 The inmate's gonna be running the asylum!
 I think there's some fans here that got a hall pass from the home. They're actually cheering this psychotic woman.
 Springboard! Whoa! My God!
 Springboard, into a cover!
 [counting along with Charles Robinson] ONE, TWO, THREE!
 HE GOT HIM! HE GOT HIM! HE GOT HIM! OH MY! MYSTERIO WINS THE TITLE!
 Here is your winner, and the NEW World Heavyweight Champion, Rey Mysterio!
 Ladies and gentlemen, dreams do come true!
 It's WrestleMania, Cole. You're damn skippy dreams come true! Rey Mysterio's the new champ!
 At 15 years old, Rey Mysterio began wrestling in a small church in Mexico. 16 years later, his journey culminates, winning the Championship on the grandest stage of all, WrestleMania!
 Oh, my God! What a match we've witnessed, Cole! I'll tell you what, major big ups to Kurt Angle and Randy Orton, and congratulations to that man, right there, Rey Mysterio... And you know the late, great Eddie Guerrero, Cole, is looking down upon Rey, and he's so proud of his "amigo", man. God, I'm so happy for Rey, man!
 Rey Mysterio showing tonight, ladies and gentlemen, that if you dream hard enough, and if you work hard enough, and if you bust your ass night in and night out, dreams will indeed come true. Rey Mysterio is the World Heavyweight Champion!
 The Undertaker’s legacy continues on! 14-0 at WrestleMania!
 [as Jeff Hardy sets up a ladder in the ring and Matt Hardy lays Edge, who was dropped to the outside by Randy Orton, horizontally onto another ladder outside]
 Jeff Hardy with a golden opportunity. Can Jeff Hardy capitalize?
 A world title is at stake here.
 Whoa, wait a minute. Wait, whoa-
 What the hell's he doing?
 Matt Hardy...
 Win the damn match, Jeff! What the hell's wrong with you, kid?!
 Yeah, Matt put Edge on that ladder and Matt's telling-
 Oh, my lord!
 JBL [as Matt is signaling to Jeff to take Edge out] What's wrong with you, you lunatic?! Win the damn match!!
 Grab the briefcase!
 You've got a shot at the world championship, Jeff! Damn him to hell! No, come on!
 No way.
 Get the ladder, Jeff!
 No, no...
 Jeff Hardy said he was gonna steal WrestleMania!
 You gotta be kidding me!
 [Jeff hits a diving leg drop on Edge, snapping the horizontal ladder and taking both men out]
 Oh, God almighty!
 Oh my God!
 Good lord! The ladder broke in half!
 They're history!
 Edge may be broken in half! Jeff Hardy may have taken *himself* out of WrestleMania, in contention to win this Money in the Bank ladder match!
 One thing's for sure - we're gonna have ourselves a bald billionaire.
 [about Undertaker] HE IS EPITOME OF WRESTLEMANIA!!!
 Welcome to WrestleMania 24!
 Joining me right now, 16-time World Heavyweight Champion, the "Nature Boy" Ric Flair. Ric...
 WHOOO!
 Ric, tonight it could all come to an end. A career-threatening match on the biggest stage in sports-entertainment against the guy they call "Mr. WrestleMania", Shawn Michaels. With so much to lose, with a 35-year career perhaps on the line, what's your game plan?
 My game plan? To be the MAN... WHOOO!
 [to Ric Flair before hitting Sweet Chin Music on him, ending the match and sending Flair into retirement] I'm sorry. I love you.
 Edge, a lot of history could happen tonight at WrestleMania.
 You know, Todd, we saw a career end. We've seen history made tonight already, but more importantly, we'll see history made later on tonight. But I want to set a stage for you. I want to take you back, because I've been thinking back a lot lately, back to when I was a little kid. Back to when I was sitting in the audience at WrestleMania VI. Man, I was so excited. I was watching my hero, Hulk Hogan. I was the biggest Hulkamaniac in Canada. And that day...Hulk Hogan lost. That wasn't the only thing lost that day. See, my innocence was also lost. But it's okay because it's come full circle, it really has. No, people rely on the Undertaker to win at WrestleMania. No matter how pathetic, mundane, or lousy their lives are, they can always count on the Dead Man. But that all changes tonight, it really does. Tonight, they get slapped in the face with a cold, hard dose of reality. There's probably a little kid sitting in that crowd tonight, just like me all those years ago, that believes anything in this world can happen...even 16-0. Tonight...I crush that kid's spirit! I pluck his innocence when I defeat the Undertaker and walk out of WrestleMania the true phenom and still the World Heavyweight Champion.
 Not only is he your new World Champ, but the Streak is still, STILL, intact! The Undertaker is now 16-0 at the Grandest Stage of Them All!
 [on Punk winning Money in the Bank for the second time.] CM Punk has done it two years in a row.
 Twenty-five Divas... you know... I guess there are more important things in the world than Divas, but ... what are they?
 [as he makes his way to the ring] Thank you Texas! This is the greatest day in JBL's great life. Months ago, I had a WrestleMania vision, that just as Julius Caesar returned to Rome the conquering hero, I would return to Texas... [raises the Intercontinental Championship belt] ...champion. At a time when, quite frankly Texas, you've got no champions... Texas, you've got no men. You sit around, you drink your little lattes, you do your pilates, looking through the Houston Chronicle trying to find a job... at this point in life you need hope, and along comes your hero, JBL! Tonight, I'm going to give you the treat of someone that grew up in Sweetwater, Texas, John Layfield and became the great JBL. You yourself will probably never improve your lot in life, but at least you can look at me and be proud of the fact that I'm your hero, because today I will give you the most dominant victory in WrestleMania history! I will then hop back on my charter plane, return to the greatest city in the world to my famous wife, New York City, as still... your hero.
 [after Mysterio defeated JBL in 21 seconds] I don't understand that. JBL promised something historic here tonight.
 Well, it was something historic.
 What?
 Mysterio wins the Intercontinental Title for the very first time.
 No, that can't be it.
 And now JBL just might understand how the brave Texans felt at the Alamo. It was a bad day at the office.
 Mysterio ensured the joke was on JBL here tonight. What a WrestleMania moment.
 I'm in shock.
 So's JBL.
 [JBL grabs the microphone and gets up, not sure now of what to say]
 I've got something to say. [The crowd's boos get louder]
 I can't wait to hear this excuse. Camera flash got in his eyes, maybe?
 Open-mouth disease?
 This has got to be embarrassing.
 I...I...I... I QUIT!!! [crowd cheers]
 What?...What did he just say?
 [JBL drops the mic, still looking a bit confused]
 He said he quit!
 What? I don't believe - I don't know if JBL even believes what he just said!
 Has any...has anybody ever...just quit, at WrestleMania?
 That I know of!
 Pretty historic.
 There's still time to reconsider!
 Are we seeing JBL leave the ring, conclusively, for the last time?
 [JBL starts walking back up the ramp]
 You're gonna miss JBL! You are gonna MISS JBL!!
 I think he's not gonna - he's not gonna reconsider; if that's the case, he - he HAS made history here tonight, but certainly not the kind that we expected!
 Not that he expected, either!
 ...I promise you, you will regret this!!
 [about Undertaker slapping his leg] It wasn't for good luck, it was for circulation.
 [after Shawn Michaels kicks out of Undertaker's Tombstone] I just had an out of body experience!!! [the camera focuses on Undertaker's disbelief] The Undertaker's eyes tell a greater story than we could ever.
 [after Undertaker vs Shawn Michaels] This is what WrestleMania is all about.
 Indeed, sometimes it's hell getting to Heaven.
 I feel like we've just seen heaven. What a match.
 The problem here is Edge and Cena are down and the Big Show is angry.
 [at Randy Orton's entrance] You know somehow, evil shouldn’t look that good. I mean this guy looks like he is chiseled out of stone and ready to do some serious damage.
 The referee is reinforcing the rules. He reminded Triple H that if he is disqualified or counted out, he loses the Championship.
 Which means Randy Orton is the new WWE Champion, bottom line.
 Will it be Orton’s law or Triple H’s game for the WWE Championship?
 Is Triple H really the cure for Randy Orton’s disease?
 Triple H has said that cowardice is Randy Orton's disease.
 He is the son of WWE Hall of Famer Cowboy Bob Orton. Eighteen months ago, Randy Orton formed Legacy — second and third-generation stars which had a winning pedigree, and win they did, including WWE Title reigns for Randy Orton. But, King, it's only natural as confidence grew for DiBiase and Rhodes that they would want to fly away from the nest, as they are doing here tonight.
 Why is that only natural? Why not keep a cohesive successful unit together? I don't agree with what Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase have done.
 The WWE is about individual achievement, it's about leaving a legacy. The difference with Randy Orton is that this is his destiny and not his legacy.
 You guys see, does this remind you of anything?
 It reminds me of what Randy Orton does to his opponents.
 Yeah, these guys are using what they learned from Randy Orton against him now.
 As every good student should.
 Every good student should turn against their mentor?
 No, every good student should use what they learned.
 Over 70,000 weak-minded individuals who think, because they're so hopped up on hallucinogenic drugs, that Rey Mysterio is a superhero. Over 70,000 people that think if they pop a pill or if they take a drink, that somehow their problems will go away, just like they think their superhero, Rey Mysterio will make the monster go away. Except I am not a monster, I am a savior, and I can save Rey Mysterio! I can lead you all to a better place, and I will lead you all by example because I choose to be drug-free! I choose to be better than each and every single one of you! Tonight, Rey Mysterio does not have a choice. I will beat him, he will join my Straight Edge Society, and in doing so, 70,000 people just like you will choose me as their savior, and the Straight Edge Society will live on, one nation under Punk, indivisible, with integrity and sobriety for all.
 That's scary. That's scary.
 I take it you're rooting for Rey.
 I don't wanna be in this guy's cult.
 You see two members of the Straight Edge Society, there are countless others across the nation. Live events, wherever we go, people come to be saved by CM Punk.
 ...
 What would that do to Rey Mysterio? What would that do to Rey Mysterio's family?
 I don't know, but the names Jim Jones and Charles Manson come to mind.
 As the evening chases away the day, we say bring on the night!
 Michael [after Vince introduces his "lumberjacks"] Ladies and gentlemen, that is the Hart family. You see David Hart Smith, Natalya walking in with the rest of the Hart family behind Mr. McMahon. You gotta be kidding me! Look at this!
 This is the same Hart family we saw earlier at WrestleMania after honoring their father Stu Hart, who was inducted into the Hall of Fame. Has Vince bought the Hart family?!
 This is disgusting!
 I just can't help but think back, last we heard from Vince McMahon last week on Raw when he...his final chilling words, he said, "Bret, no matter what, at WrestleMania, you're screwed." Did he already know?
 Will Mr. McMahon stop at nothing to humiliate this man? Ladies and gentlemen, Bret Hart was one of Mr. McMahon's most important and lucrative superstars. In late 1997, Bret's contract was coming to an end, they couldn't reach an agreement, Bret headed out of the company. What does Mr. McMahon do on one of his last nights here? He screws Bret Hart out of the Championship in Montreal, one of the most controversial events of all time!
 Guys, I gotta tell you – this is genius. I love this.
 No, this is not genius.
 Yeah, there's Bruce Hart.
 It's evil genius is what it is, Matt.
 Smith Hart, Stu's firstborn son.
 In many ways, this is pathetic.
 Why?
 Because it's pathetic. Because Mr. McMahon cannot let bygones be bygones. For thirteen years this has been going on! Bret Hart came back here to bury the hatchet; he did so with Shawn Michaels, and now this.
 ...
 that's that there's nothing sweeter than a good double-cross. See, the thing here, Vince, is the Hart family – we're stronger than ever and we're united as one tonight. They told me what you were trying to do and we all agreed ahead of time. We all know about your little tricks, but tonight, this your greatest creation of them all, WrestleMania, it's gonna be forever remembered as the night that Bret screwed Vince!
 Wait a minute. Oh! The Hart family's on the take!
 [after Natalya slaps Vince] Best of luck in your future endeavors, Natalya!
 This is the chairman and CEO of a publicly traded company being treated like this.
 Yeah, but how about how he treated Bret Hart? How about that, Matt? Besides, Mr. McMahon signed up for this. Mr. McMahon agreed to this match-up.
 Not under these conditions.
 He tried to buy the Hart family off, they just turned the tables on him. Mr. McMahon would've done the same thing.
 Before that, Matt, Mr. McMahon put Bret up to being in this match when he thought Bret had a broken leg.
 If I've learned one thing from Mr. McMahon, it's that you never do bad business, and this is bad business by the Harts.
 Mr. McMahon looks like a pathetic preacher right now.
 I'm gonna tell him you said that.
 [to Kelly Kelly] EXCUSE ME!!!! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!
 [Kelly kicks her in the stomach]
 I don't think Kelly Kelly cares.
 [after Shawn Michaels mocks the Undertaker's signal for the Tombstone Piledriver, he slaps him] Well, if Shawn Michaels is going out, he's going out as defiant as ever.
 [in his anger, the Undertaker picks up Michaels and turns him upside down] That look of disbelief on the face of the Undertaker has turned into a look of rage! [Undertaker hits the Tombstone] ACK!
 TOMBSTONE! TOMBSTONE! [Undertaker folds Michaels' arms and covers him] Here's the cover! [Charles Robinson counts three] The Undertaker is 18-0! Shawn Michaels' career is over.
 The Undertaker!
 Finally, the Rock has come back to Atlanta! And finally, the Rock has come back to WrestleMania! The Rock promises that this will be the most memorable WrestleMania of all time. The electricity is in the air! It's all around us! Can you FEEL it? Can you TASTE it?! Can you SMELL it?!? [The crowd reacts to every sentence he says. When he is done, the crowd chants "Rocky".] We are making history - right now we're making history, so we're gonna do something special. Atlanta, we're gonna have some fun. [the crowd reacts] When the Rock says "Wrestle", the people will say "Mania". Wrestle...
 [responding] Mania...
 Wrestle...
 Mania...
 Wrestle...
 Mania!
 And to all the WWE Super... the Rock is getting goosebumps, Good Lord almighty! And to all the WWE Superstars, past and present, and to one WWE Superstar in particular, [referring to John Cena] who right now is in the back trying to decide which rainbow Fruity Pebble T-Shirt he's going to put on tonight... [The Rock signals for some water. Again the crowd chants "Rocky".] Oh, this is gonna get good, this is gonna get good. Before we do this next one, let the Rock take a drink of water. But this ain't any water. This is the People's Water! [The crowd reacts.] When the Rock says "Yabba", the people say "Dabba". Yabba...
 Dabba...
 Yabba...
 Dabba...
 Yabba...
 Dabba!
 And this last one, this last one needs no introduction whatsoever. It's the Rock, the People's Champ. He's never alone. He's with the millions...
 AND MILLIONS!
 He's with the millions...
 AND MILLIONS!
 ...of the Rock's fans, because this is Wrestlemania, this is the Showcase of the Immortals, and this is hosted by the jabroni beatin', lalalalao! Pie eatin', trail blazin', eyebrow raisin', heart stopping, elbow dropping, electrifying the dirty south, so know your role and shut your mouth, the Brahma Bull, ever defiant, standing as tall as Andre the Giant. This night, WrestleMania, Atlanta, the Georgia Dome, is bigger than Christmas, so no offense, Santa, because The Rock is bringing it all over At-lanta! [The crowd again chants "Rocky"] If you s... [stops] Oh no no no no no NO! No... that catchphrase is the most famous, the most electrifying catchphrase in the world! Men, women, children of all ages, races - they say it. So this is going to be special, because that catchphrase doesn't belong to the Rock, that catchphrase belongs to the people. So, Atlanta, we're gonna do something special, we're gonna electrify the world! Everybody, everybody on your feet! You're already on your feet! So everybody, right now feel the electricity! Assume the position with the Rock, 'cause we're not saying it, we're saying it loud and proud and we're saying it together. [the crowd joins in] IF YOU SMELLLLLL-LALALALAO, WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN'!
 Look at this man, CM Punk. He is a charismatic figure. The people follow him, and he has one thing to get him through, and that thing is faith.
 He's got about as many followers as you've got Cole Miners.
 Can I have your attention please? Can I have your attention please? There he is, "Good ol' JR", Jim Ross, the man with the second-biggest ego in sports-entertainment. Hey, JR, I like how you're waddling your way down to the ring. Glad you're staying in shape since I took your job. You know who the man is with the biggest ego in the entire world? None other than my opponent tonight, Jerry Lawler. You know, Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross have a lot in common — they're both overweight,...
 What?!
 [cont'd] They're both overrated,...
 What?!
 and they're both over the hill! You know, I've been thinking a lot over the past 24 hours about...about this match here tonight, and what I've been thinking about is Jerry Lawler has been in this business about as long as I've been alive, yet tonight is Jerry Lawler's first WrestleMania. And guess what, all you Cole Miners — this is Michael Cole's first WrestleMania. So, ladies and gentlemen, when tonight is over, and this main event is concluded, JR, you're gonna go back to making really bad barbecue sauce; Jerry Lawler, you're gonna be embarrassed and humiliated; and Stone Cold Steve Austin's gonna raise my hand in victory; and then all of you, all over the world, you are gonna proclaim me the new Mr. WrestleMania!
 When you're as pretty as Michelle McCool, you don't like to be dropped flat on your face.
 When you're as ugly as I am, you don't like to be dropped flat on your face.
 If anything happened to your face, it'd be an improvement.
 Exactly.
 "As Raw General Manager, I think..." IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK! [He tosses the laptop to the floor and enters the ring] The Rock is the host of WrestleMania, and the Rock says there is no way WrestleMania is over! The Rock says this match must restart right now! No disqualification, no count-out, no time limit, no doubt about it, no cryin' to your mama, no way on God's green earth under God's hot sun in this beautiful Georgia Dome will this match end like that! So you can take your double count-out, take your little computer, take your awesome, take your Fruity Pebbles, roll them all up in a ball, turn them sumbitches sideways, and stick 'em straight up your candy-ass! It is time to give the people what they want!
 Undertaker will absolutely do anything to keep that streak alive, but J.R., you and I both know...nothing lasts forever.
 And somehow, some way, the Streak lives!
 [chant during the Divas match] DANIEL BRYAN!
 We are now just moments away. As the guest referee inside Hell in a Cell, you must be filled with conflicted emotions. Shawn, your thoughts?
 This match is the end of an era. Something's coming to an end. It's either the end of the Streak, which means the end of the Undertaker, or it's the end of the Game, which means he couldn't do what I couldn't do. Facing the Undertaker ended my career. Isn't it ironic that I hold the power in the palm of my hand to end an era?
 [During the epic Hell in a Cell match]
 YOU END IT OR I WILL!
 ] Don't stop this fight...DO NOT...STOP IT!
 [Later in the match, Triple H grabs a Sledgehammer from outside the ring, but Shawn Michaels throws it away]
 You end it Shawn or I will.
 You know he ain't gonna quit.
 I don't care. You end it or I will. You wanna show compassion? I'm not.
 You know he ain't gonna stop.
 I don't care Shawn. I'm ending this one way or another. You End it or I will.
 I tell you, in four decades of sitting at ringside, I can honestly say I have never ever witnessed anything like what we have just seen.
 The Undertaker is 20-0 at WrestleMania!
 [as the Undertaker tries to get up] Look at the Undertaker's back; he's just fighting to get back up. The era has ended, we will never see it again, and what a way to go.
 [As Shawn, Triple H and Undertaker hug at the top of the ramp]
 A standing ovation from 78,363, and a moment that will live in infamy in WWE, an image that we will never replicate, an image that we'll all remember forever.
 We got people behind the scoreboard!
 [on the Shield] I've wrestled with the Fabulous Freebirds. What they brought to the house, what they brought to this business was improved by the Horsemen, was perfected, some say, by the NWO. This team right here can do something none of them have ever done at WrestleMania.
 It was pretty impressive. I'm not gonna say they're the greatest thing since sliced bread, I don't know that they're the greatest team in sports-entertainment.
 I don't know if you can name anybody better. Do you believe in the Shield now? If not, you should.
 Well, statistics are on the side of Team Hell No in this match tonight. 53% of defending champions are successful in WrestleMania. And Daniel Bryan will start things off against Dolph Ziggler with the Tag Team Championship up for grabs here tonight at WrestleMania.
 Would you bet on that, if you had a 53-47 chance.
 Not at all.
 I got this! I got this! [to AJ Lee] Lay it on me.
 [AJ plants a kiss on Dolph]
 Oh, now this is just sticking it to Daniel Bryan. Remember last year at WrestleMania, and AJ Lee good-luck kissed... [As Dolph turns around, Daniel kicks him upside the head and goes for the pin] Oh God, look out! Daniel Bryan...
 It's over! It's over!
 [Referee counts, but Dolph kicks out]
 [during the World Heavyweight Championship match] WE WANT ZIGGLER!
 [alternating] UNDERTAKER!
 CM PUNK!
 Can you say 21-0?!
 MetLife just exploded!
 The Undertaker!
 Year after year after year, opponent after opponent after opponent, the will and the perseverance for the most incredible performer in WrestleMania history!
 It's the holy grail of winning streaks, Michael! The greatest streak alive!
 Look at this, that is insulting, Daniel Bryan sticking his hand out like that, mocking Triple H. What a disrespectful move.
 JBL, how short is your memory? Have you drinking milk from forgetful cows? Milk of amnesia? Let me tell you something. You realize the last time Daniel Bryan stuck his hand out, Triple H put handcuffs on him.
 He should've, he broke the law.
 WrestleMania has just turned into YES!leMania!
 The YES! Movement has beaten the Authority!
 History has already been made at WrestleMania! I cannot believe what I have just witnessed. This garden creature just beat the Game.
 Wrestling the Shield's like being married to Larry King—you know it's gonna be painful, but it's not gonna last long.
 Kofi Kingston [by Cesaro] ...lobbed over the top rope and he's out. [The referees notice that Kofi's feet are still on the steps] Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa!
 You gotta be kidding me!
 His feet didn't hit the floor.
 Kofi's feet did not hit the floor. [Kofi scoots onto the steps and re-enters the ring] That is incredible! That is incredible!
 I love this young guy!
 Uppercut by Cesaro again. [Cesaro picks up the Big Show] LOOK AT THE POWER!
 No way!
 YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME! YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME! [Cesaro dumps the Big Show out of the ring, winning the match] CESARO WINS THE BATTLE ROYAL!
 OH MY GOD!
 The Swiss Superman!
 Cesaro!
 Cesaro has his WrestleMania Moment.
 John, would a victory tonight for Brock Lesnar be the greatest conquer of his career?
 Absolutely. 3-time WWE Champion; IWGP Champion; his third UFC fight, he won the Heavyweight Championship; in his fourth UFC fight, UFC 100, he unified the Heavyweight Championship, National Champion 2000; 2008 Sports Illustrated Newcomer of the Year; all of that pales in comparison if Brock Lesnar ends the Streak tonight.
 You know what else would be worse than awful if Brock Lesnar ends the Streak? It would probably submit that walrus Paul Heyman's legacy as possibly the greatest strategist, possibly the best manager ever.
 I disagree. Right now, he is arguably the greatest manager. I say you take off any of those caveats, he becomes the greatest manager of all time if he leads the Beast Incarnate, Brock Lesnar, to victory tonight.
 That's what I was saying. The big word is "if".
 [During the Undertaker/Brock Lesnar match]
 [to Brock Lensar] This is your destiny. You hear me?! THIS is YOUR destiny! This is what you worked for! This is what you trained for! This is your moment! Not his, yours! ALL YOURS! 21-1...and you are the one! Are you going to let him deprive you of this?! He's taking this away from you! You are Brock Lesnar! You're a conqueror! You're a beast!
 [Brock Lesnar has kicked out of the Tombstone]
 Undertaker signals it's over.
 Maybe he's not human.
 [Undertaker picks up Lensar for another Tombstone]
 Again...[Lensar falls back onto his feet and picks up Undertaker] Brock Lesnar counter. Brock Lesnar counter! Lesnar counter! He's got Undertaker over his shoulders again!
 Not again!
 Going for a triple! [Lensar hits the F-5] A third F-5 on the Undertaker! Brock Lesnar into the cover! Hooks the leg! [Chad Patton counts to three] The Streak is over.
 OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! YOU DID IT! YOU DID IT! [With the arena in shock, Heyman rushes to Lesnar] You did it! You did it! You did it! You beat him, Brock! You conquered the Streak! Brock, you did it! You did it!
 Brock Lesnar.
 [Lesnar and Heyman leave the ring]
 I'm speechless.
 So are 75,000 people here.
 The Undertaker's mortal.
 I was hoping I wouldn't see it.
 I honestly thought I'd never see it.
 I guess fairytales do end.
 Brock Lesnar just cemented his legacy as one of the greatest performers in WWE history.
 21-1!
 Guys, you still gotta admit, the man who has cemented his legacy is the Undertaker. The longest-running streak, 21 straight victories at WrestleMania. That will never, never ever be duplicated.
 The king of the jungle is now Brock Lesnar, and the greatest manager of all time is Paul Heyman.
 Heyman vowed that he and Brock Lesnar would end the Streak. They did.
 Daniel Bryan...knee to Batista! Knee to Batista! Knee to Batista! [Daniel cinches the YES! Lock on Batista] Come on, Bryan! Come on, Bryan! YES! Lock! Come on, Daniel! Come on, Daniel!
 Has he got him?
 Tap out Batista!
 He's got him!
 Tap out Batista! Tap out Batista!
 No way! No way!
 Batista's gonna tap! Batista's gonna tap! [Batista taps out]
 OH, YES!
 He taps!
 HE DID IT! HE DID IT! DANIEL BRYAN DID IT!
 You gotta be kidding me!
 THE MIRACLE KID! THE MIRACLE KID! A MIRACLE ON BOURBON STREET!
 Daniel Bryan!
 The impossible dream has become reality! Did anyone expect this?
 Absolutely not! They hoped for it!
 Did everyone want this?!
 YES! YES! YES!
 Daniel Bryan has overcome the Authority.
 There's your new face of WWE! Daniel Bryan has done it!
 Dreams come true.
 [continues to chant as pyrotechnics explode on the stage] YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!
 April 6, 2014—the night Daniel Bryan's arrived!
 [The WrestleMania 31 introduction]
 The world has become a lot smaller. We've all been connected. From the dawn of the radio, to the golden age of television. From Silicon Valley to the internet and beyond. A shared photo, a viral video, a thought for the whole world to read in the span of 140 characters, entertainment has evolved. The mediums have changed. But the one thing that has remained the same. The one constant. The one universal similarity...is us. Me. You. Us here. The human connection. The feeling you get when you're surrounding by a sea of strangers, but somehow you feel like you know them all. It's that instant you realize you have something in common. That moment, that emotion, that split second when you say, man that was awesome. Decades ago, the world saw the irrestible force meet the immovable object, and millions overcame the impossible as one. We saw a boyhood dream become reality, and together, we cried tears of joy. We saw the passing of the torch, as one generation christened the next, and that generation created a once in a lifetime event. All these things, these indoubtable moments, these benchmarks that shape our history at the core do one thing...they connect us. Tonight, these men, these women, these athletes, these larger than life superstars, will take the biggest stage in live entertainment, to once again inspire us, move us, shape us. They will..connect us. Tonight, the world will be watching. This is WrestleMania.
 [introduces Triple H before his match between Sting] WrestleMania. Judgment Day is here. It's time to play the Game.
 [After Ronda Rousey aids The Rock in laying out both Triple H and Stephanie McMahon in the ring]
 Now that right there, that is called being owned!
 [to Roman Reigns] Suplex City, bitch!
 It’s him! He’s returned!
 The Deadman cometh. Bray Wyatt can talk a big game, but John, you have been in the ring during the entrance of that man, The Undertaker.
 Bray Wyatt wanted to dance with the Devil, welcome to Hell.
 [as Lesnar holds Reigns up for a fourth F-5] Lesnar... [Lesnar hits it and rolls away] F-5! A vicious F-5! Who can capitalize?
 Heyman's screaming, "cover him, cover him!"
 Turning point of the match!
 [Seth Rollins' music blares out and the crowd reacts]
 What the hell?
 What on earth?
 [Seth Rollins sprints to the ring, his Money in the Bank briefcase (containing a contract to wrestle for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship) in hand]
 This is brilliant!
 Seth Rollins!
 This is brilliant!
 Mr. Money in the Bank! [Seth slides into the ring] What the hell? [Rollins hands the briefcase to referee Mike Chioda, and tells Chioda he is cashing in his contract immediately]
 He...
 Are you kidding me?!
 How can he do this?!
 I have no idea!
 [signalling to ring announcer Lilian Garcia] C'mere!
 COME ON! C'MON, C'MON, C'MON!
 [to Lilian, handing the briefcase over] Seth Rollins is cashing in.
 I mean, this is Money in the Bank, but... I mean, wait a minute!
 Ladies and gentlemen, Seth Rollins is cashing in his Money in the Bank.
 B-b-but, there's a match going!
 Therefore, this will now be a triple threat match!
 A triple threat match?!
 What?!
 [as Seth kicks Roman out of the ring] What the hell? [The bell rings] Rollins knocks Reigns out of the ring! Seth Rollins now turns his attention to Lesnar!
 Seth Rollins is one Curb Stomp away from being the WWE World Heavyweight Champion!
 Rollins going for the Curb Stomp...
 Here it is! [Rollins hits the Curb Stomp on Lesnar]
 WHOA!
 Curb Stomp to Lesnar!
 The future is now!
 Seth Rollins... [Rollins looks back to see Reigns is still down, then turns back to Lesnar] checking on Reigns!
 Seth is gonna finish him. Taking no chances here at all. [Rollins goes for another Curb Stomp, but Lesnar catches him to set up an F-5]
 Went for another Curb Stomp, Lesnar...Lesnar picked him out of the air. [Lesnar turns around, only to catch a Spear from Reigns] Reigns with a Spear!
 OH!
 A ripping Spear! [Seth hits the Curb Stomp on Reigns and goes for the pin] Curb Stomp on Reigns!
 Look out!
 Cover by Rollins! [Chioda counts to three] ROLLINS WON THE TITLE! ROLLINS WON THE TITLE!
 Wait a minute!
 SETH ROLLINS WINS THE TITLE!
 Are you kidding me?!
 Seth Rollins! [Rollins runs out of the ring and up the ramp]
 First time in WrestleMania history, someone's cashed in Money in the Bank and walking out WWE World Heavyweight Champion! He stole one!
 Seth Rollins... Seth Rollins... Rollins with the heist of the century!
 Brilliant! Brilliant!
 Seth Rollins is the WWE World Heavyweight Champion!
 I cannot believe my eyes! The unthinkable has happened!
 And he never pinned the champ. He never pinned the champ! Triple threat rules! [Off the replay] Spear to Lesnar, Curb Stomp, Rollins capitalizing! Ingenious! Ingenious!
 Absolutely brilliant! That is the Architect! That man built the Shield, that man tore down the Shield, and today at WrestleMania, he is the WWE World Heavyweight Champion! The future is now!
 Roman Reigns and Brock Lesnar beat the holy hell out of each other, and this opportunist comes in and literally steals the World Heavyweight Championship!
 [to Sami Zayn] Who do you think you are?! This is KOMania, go back to NXT!
 [after Dean Ambrose nails Brock Lesnar with a laptop] I hope you're backed up.
 For the 14th time in his career, The Undertaker enters (or steps) into (or inside) HIS yard. Hell in a Cell.
 [introducing Triple H] Rise at the presence of the Authority & show your respect. You are merely the blind sheep who follow. You exist to serve us. We are the providers and the protectors. We are the leaders, the chiefs, and the generals. We are the absolute power. WE OWN YOU! You are mere barrels of humanity hanging onto the empty notion of hope - hope for a savior. Hope that someone or something will take away the pain. That is your pathetic lives. Well hope will pulverize at the hands of reality and tonight will be no different because after tonight, all hope will be gone! Because there can be only one who stands in this - the coliseum of the immortals as the Undisputed champion. Only one who takes the breath of his opponents with barbaric fortitude. Only one who wears the sharpened crown. Now bow down and grovel at his feet. He is the King. The King of Kings. The Cerebral Assassin. The Game - TRIPLE H!!!!
 [Triple H signals to a downed Stephanie McMahon, who hands Triple H a sledgehammer] Oh my God, Stephanie... Stephanie's handed... handed Triple H his signature sledgehammer! Again, if Triple H is disqualified, he will retain the championship! He'll lose the match officially, but it won't matter to him!
 Referee has seen it. [The referee admonishes Triple H] If Triple H uses it, he gets disqualified, but you're right! He walks out of here WWE Champion. [Triple H shoves the referee aside]
 That could've been a disqualification - [suddenly, Reigns strikes Triple H with the Superman Punch] oh, SUPERMAN PUNCH! [Triple H, reeling, slowly gets up, only to be met by another Superman Punch] Another one by Reigns! [Reigns howls and bounces off the ropes, as Triple H reaches his feet. He attempts to hit Reigns with the butt of the sledgehammer, but Reigns ducks, avoiding the blow] Missed with the sledgehammer! [Reigns hits the Spear] SPEAR! SPEAR BY REIGNS! Cover; hooks the leg! [The referee counts three] REIGNS IS THE CHAMPION! REIGNS IS THE WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!
 Here is your winner, and the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion, Roman Reigns!
 It is the renaissance of the Roman Empire! And it's left the Authority in shambles!
 Ladies and gentlemen, as your WrestleMania hosts, we must inform you that we have just received word... [the audience reacts] ...that this ladder match has now become a Fatal Four-Way!
 Which means that there is one more team involved in this match.
 Now... I wonder who this fourth team... could possibly be.
 WHO? WHO? WHO?
 ]
 WHAT?!
 OH MY!
 You gotta be kidding me!
 [The Hardy Boyz enter the arena]
 Things are about to be broken! Team Extreme is back! Matt and Jeff! The Hardy Boyz are here!
 I got goosebumps!
 You’ve gotta be kidding me!
 [After John Cena and Nikki Bella defeat The Miz & Maryse in a Mixed Tag Team Match]
 Stephanie Nicole Garcia-Colace... [offers the ring to Bella] ...will you marry me? [Nikki Bella nods "yes"; and both she and Cena embrace in a long hug]
 [as Roman Reigns bounces off the ropes] Oh, look out. Look out here. M-momentum... momentum -
 [Reigns Spears the Undertaker] OH MAN!
 OH GOD!
 And a huge Spear [Reigns covers the Undertaker] into the heart of the Undertaker, [the referee counts three] and Roman Reigns has defeated the Undertaker at WrestleMania with a thunderous Spear!
 Roman Reigns!
 My God, what a physical matchup!
 I believe, the greatest win of Roman Reigns' career.
 It is the greatest win of Roman Reigns' career 20 years from now, 100 years from now! He just defeated the Undertaker, who... the Undertaker emptied everything in his arsenal; maybe everything in his soul.
 Through the flames of Viserion, winter is here! The Kingslayer, Seth Rollins, is ready for WrestleMania!
 [After losing to Charlotte Flair, Asuka grabs a microphone]
 Charlotte......was READY for Asuka! Congratulations! [They embrace in a hug]
 [As The Undertaker makes his way to the ring ominously, the crowd cheers in love and respect! Some even bow before him]
 UNDERTAKER! UNDERTAKER! UNDERTAKER!
 You know, John Cena...wished and asked for this. Leave it to Cena. And you know, guys, it was John Cena who brought The Undertaker back. Nobody else.
 The question though is which Undertaker did John Cena bring back. Was it last year’s Undertaker?
 And the point Corey was making earlier was that last year, we all thought it was done. We all thought it was all over and we would never see it again, but now, the Deadman is back...in a match that pits in my mind two of the greatest performers in WWE history. Perhaps of all time. The 16-time world champion John Cena...and The Undertaker!
 Tonight, you can forget about your RKO's
 Will it be glorious? Pssh! Oh, no!
 Mahal will fall on the greatest stage of them all
 'Cause the Lion of Bulgaria, the Shakespeare of Song
 We've been fightin' for this stage for far too long
 And there's gonna be a new US Champ today
 Because ladies and gentlemen, today, WrestleMania is...
 RUSEV DAY!
 [drawing it out] Rusev Da-a-a-a-a-y-y-y-y!
 [A float rides onto the stage]
 What the hell is this?
 Corey, it's a Mardi Gras float.
 What is this?
 It's Rex Manning Day, it's not Mardi Gras.
 Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! If my client is not on last, then we're not hanging around here all night to wait! We're getting our business done, and we're getting on a jet to Las Vegas, where my client is ultimately appreciated! So let's get this nonsense over with; we’re doing it right here, right now! Ladies and gentlemen, introducing, at 265 pounds, the Rollins-stomping beast slayer slayer, the reigning, defending, undisputed Universal heavyweight champion, Brock Lesnar!
 [Having just kicked Daniel Bryan numerous times in the head, Kofi Kingston heads to a corner, and amid chants of "New Day Rocks!" waits for Bryan to slowly get up]
 Bryan is barely moving!
 [After a while, Bryan finally gets to his feet, and Kingston makes his move] Kofi measuring the champion... [Kingston hits Trouble in Paradise on Bryan] TROUBLE IN PARADISE!
 COVER HIM! [Kofi covers him, the referee counts and the audience counts along with him. At 3, the crowd erupts]
 ] KOFI DID IT! KOFI DID IT! KOFI DID IT! KOFI IS CHAMPION!
 Kofi Kingston!
 11 years! 11 LONG YEARS! Every hoop, every barricade, every hurdle! And finally, Kofi Kingston has DONE IT, MAN!
 For everything this man has gone through... Kofi, it was WORTH IT!
 Ladies and gentlemen...our opening contest is a tag team bout, scheduled for one fall. Currently in the ring to my left, hailing from Montreal, Quebec, Canada, but SOON to relocate in the United States, at a total combined weight of 474 lbs...here are Jacques and Raymond, the Fabulous Rougeau Brothers.
 Get me somebody out here to wrestle, I don't care who it is.
 Ho ho ho. Don't say that, my man. There are some people in that locker room who would take this man apart.
 We're all waiting here with anticipation as for who the opponent will be. Well, maybe we haven't got an opponent.
 Well, maybe we have an opponent, or maybe he's still lacing up his boots. Who knows, man.
 [as familiar theme music plays] Wait a minute, wait a minute. Somebody's music.
 That's familiar music, brother!
 They've exploded here in the Garden! I don't see anybody yet!
 [as the Ultimate Warrior runs to the ring and goes right after the Honky Tonk Man] Here is the challenger, weighing...
 [Howard jumps out as the match begins]
 It's the Ultimate Warrior!
 One man on the attack!
 This place has gone bananas!
 Ultimate Warrior exploding here on the Honky Tonk Man. Beautiful flying tackle. The bell has gone and it's officially underway.
 Warrior doesn't know what to do, he's so excited!
 [Warrior knocks Honky Tonk Man down]
 The title definitely up for grabs here.
 Oh, we could get a new champion right now, Gorilla Monsoon! Right now, brother, we could get a new champion!
 [as Warrior hits a splash] Big splash here, hooks the leg... [Dave Hebner counts to three] It's over! History has been made here!
 I love it! I love it!
 Look at this place gone bananas!
 Pandemonium is running wild in Madison Square Garden, my man!
 History once again made here in Madison Square Garden!
 The Ultimate Warrior!
 It is a different story here in the locker room of the Ultimate Warrior, the new Intercontinental Champion, and Warrior, you are now a champion in the World Wrestling Federation.
 Honky Tonk Man, you thought it was like something out of a comic book, brother, but we're talking about real life! I was sitting in Parts Unknown waiting for the next spaceship to higher planes, and the lightning bolts came down from the sky, and the warriors spoke! They said "make it to the Garden." Well, the Ultimate Warrior showed, and Honky Tonk Man, you gave the challenge, and the Ultimate Warrior and the little Warriors with all the painted faces rose to the challenge, and they conquered! I'm taking all the little Warriors through all the darkness and the pain! And Honky Tonk Man, if you want a piece of me, or anybody thinks they can take on the Warriors, I'm not hard to find. I'll be on the next spaceship to Parts Un...KNOWN!!!
 [Mean Gene is set to conduct an interview with Ravishing Rick Rude and Bobby Heenan]
 Gentlemen, as you know the Ultimate Warrior-- (the SummerSlam sign falls off behind them.)
 Nice move.
 Fuck it!
 What I'd like to have right now is for all you fat, out-of-shape SummerSlam sweathogs...
 Ha ha ha!
 You like that?
 He's talking to you, Schiavone!
 ...keep the noise down while I take my robe off and show the ladies what a real sexy man looks like.
 [The Ultimate Warrior has press slammed Rick Rude from the ring to the floor]
 There was no call for that! The name of this sport is Wrestling. You wrestle inside the ring. This guy is a lunatic, I don't like him, he goes by his own rules, he don't listen to nothing.
 But Jesse, he's bought all this on himself. With Bobby Heenan pulling the leg, with Andre the Giant trying to choke out the Ultimate Warrior, you gotta expect a guy like the Warrior to take matters into your own hands.
 And that means out to the floor. [Ultimate Warrior grabs the IC title and hits Rick Rude in the back with it] Hitting him with the belt?! This should be a disqualfication! That's an disqualfication!! Where is the hell the referee?!
 That's outside of the ring Jesse.
 So what?!
 As much as it can just be a countout here.
 What are you going to tell me Schiavone? You can shoot somebody outside the ring? As long as it's outside the ring? You know, you're even dumber than Monsoon! I thought Monsoon what the stupidest guy alive.
 Ladies and gentlemen, at this time, I am pleased to announce that we have a very special guest. A surprise ring announcer, let's welcome Rugged Ronnie Garvin!
 What?!
 Ho ho ho! What about that Jesse?
 What is the purpose of this? The guy gets banned from refereeing, he gets banned from wrestling, now he's going to be a ring announcer?
 Well I think we better hear what he has to say. Why not?
 Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall.
 He does a good job.
 He's reading cue cards.
 Well, there's nothing wrong with that.
 Coming down the aisle, weighing 275 pounds, the Mighty Hercules!
 The fans on their feet. As Rugged Ronnie Garvin makes the announcement, the Mighty Hercules making his way to the ring and quite personally Jesse, I can't wait to hear this introduction from Rugged Ronnie Garvin.
 It ought to be interesting.
 His so called opponent,
 "So called opponent"?
 Well, that's an opinion.
 coming to the ring with that little pip squeak, poor excuse of a manager. The big mouth of the south, Jimmy Hart. Here's a man who says he's from Seattle Washington. He claims to weigh 249 pounds. To me, he looks like he's overweight by 30 pounds!
 How dare him do that as an announcer!
 This individual who can't think for himself and when he goes to his wimpy manager for advice, little Jimmy can't give him any!
 I think Ronnie Garvin's a punk!
 He's the only wrestler I've seen with two left feet! Wears a robe with cheap rhinestones! Can't tell whether he's coming or going! Made the biggest mistake of his life when he asked for me to be reinstated, Greg "The Hammer" Valentine!
 From the Meadowlands Arena to the multitudes beyond, I, The Genius, full of glory and renown
 Share my wondrous words of wisdom with the SummerSlam spectacular to validate my mortar board and gown.
 Brutus Beefcake and Hulk Hogan shall be running for their lives, the highest card they're holding is a deuce.
 They are totally unqualified to match the royal flush that shall be coming from the Macho Man and Zeus.
 "Scary Sherri" is the term that Brutus Beefcake used in slander, and he had the nerve to call her overdressed.
 That's when the Barber got a trim that wasn't on the schedule, because Sherri is a cut above the rest.
 On the other hand, Elizabeth is absolutely useless, she is less than just another pretty face.
 When you add the unknown factor of the Human Wrecking Machine, tonight the Hulk shall be in second place!
 And Jesse Ventura, there is a power stronger than Zeus and it's called Hulkamania!
 Yeah sure Schiavone. It's called foreign object, that's what it's called. Hogan had to use an illegal foreign object to win this match. And if that's what the Hulkamaniacs advocate, well they can stick it!
 (to Sensational Sherri) Well it's back to the cauldron for you young lady.
 And then, to top it all off, Hogan has to beat up a woman!
 (to Elizabeth) Well Jesse, there's a real woman for you right there.
 There's a gold digger right there.
 Now, Mr. Perfect, it was less than ten days ago that you accepted the challenge from the Texas Tornado to defend the Intercontinental Championship. Have you ever prepared for a title defense on such short notice?
 To be perfectly honest with you, I haven't. You see, being absolutely perfect does have its problems, because when you're a perfect Intercontinental Champion, challengers are few and far between. And let's face it, I'm perfect in every way — the perfect body, the perfect mind, and the perfect record.
 Mr. Perfect, is it wise to accept a challenge from someone you know so little about?
 Wait a minute, pal, I'll handle this one. You see, I know a lot about this Texas Tornado, because if you've seen one, you've seen 'em all. And you know why they call you the Texas Tornado? Because you've got your head in the clouds, and if you've got your head in the clouds, pal, you don't have your feet on the ground! You see, a Texas tornado never really does any damage, because you can spot one coming a mile away. Sure, they may look ferocious, but all they're really good for is kicking up some dust and (laughing) maybe turning over a few mobile homes in some hick trailer park on the Panhandle.
 Remember this! Nobody beats Mr. Perfect!
 Nobody.
 With me now, Sensational Queen Sherri.
 You mean victorious Sensational Queen Sherri.
 Well, yes, but you're not gonna gloat like that.
 Listen, Mean Gene. When you are so good that you intimidate your opponent to the point where they don't even show up because they know that they'll take a sensational beating, you can gloat all you want.
 Well, I suppose, but Queen Sherri, there's something peculiar going on around here as it relates to Sweet Sapphire. It's almost if she vanished into thin air. There were earlier sightings of Sapphire, but I don't know what's happened to her, I really don't.
 "Earlier sightings"? What is she, a UFO?! But you're right, a lot of people did see Sapphire earlier this afternoon, and I'm beginning to think that maybe she's not so dumb after all.
 What do you mean?
 First of all, she was smart enough not to show up and take a beating in her match with me; second, I heard a few rumors a minute ago. She may be the smartest person in the WWF.
 Rumors? What rumors?
 [laughing hysterically] Well...this is too good to be true!
 Sensational Queen Sherri, I fail to see what's so funny about a missing person.
 I said she was missing, I didn't say anything about her being a person.
 Jake, it's well-founded that Bad News Brown is afraid of snakes. The question remains, are you afraid of sewer rats?
 You know, my man, they don't call me the Snake for nothing, because Damian and I, we have a lot in common. But how about you, Bad News? You hang around with sewer rats. What does that say about you? But to answer your question, Sean, I'm not afraid of rats, no, because I don't have to be. You see, Damian here is really hungry. Yeah I know, Bad News says he hasn't fed his rats for weeks, and they must have a voracious appetite. But what I want to know, Bad News, is just how hungry are you? Because that's exactly what it's going to come down to—hunger. And hunger, that, Bad News, is what separates a man like me from a mouse like you.
 Hulk Hogan, hot on the heels of victory at SummerSlam tonight! What a powerhouse of a match between you and Earthquake, but I don't know, Hulk, if it's been settled.
 You know somethin', Mean Gene? The only thing left to do, brother, is to kickstart my Wide Glide, hang onto the Ape Hangers, and with the largest arms in the world, man, ride right up to Jack Tunney's office, brother! Let him know that the Hulkamaniacs realize they're still the stronger power in the world, brother! And Jack Tunney, I just want you to know, dude. They're building new buildings all around the country. New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago, Africa, Asia, North Pole, South Pole, and all points in between, brother! And the new buildings, Mean Gene, they're Earthquake-proof, brother!
 Earthquake-proof?
 Yes! Earthquake-proof! Because I'm gonna take this big, fat dude, and I'm gonna drag him all the way around the country, brother! I'm gonna beat him in each and every arena until Jack Tunney puts me right back where I belong—in the #1 contender's spot, brother.
 Well, Hulk Hogan, with all due respect, I think you're there already, I'll tell you what. A strong, strong outing for you against this mammoth, Earthquake.
 Well, you know something, Mean Gene? I felt the love of the Hulkamaniacs, brother. The 400,000 cards and letters in just a few short weeks prove, man, that this thing's gonna last forever. And now, Hulkamaniacs, this is the decade of the little Hulksters, brother. And now, there are four Demandments. Four Demandments—train, say your prayers, eat your vitamins, and believe in yourself, brother. If you believe in yourself like you made me believe in myself, you can get anything you want!
 And now, I'm getting a new 9-foot gun made, brother! A brand new surfboard with a 2 1/2 foot skeg, and I'm gonna go out to Venice Beach, and I'm gonna chase each and every shark I can find! And when I find the biggest wave I can find, I'm gonna catch that title wave, brother—I said title wave—and I'm gonna ride it right to the top! Whatcha gonna do, WWF, Earthquake, and Jack Tunney, and anybody else in my way?!
 Do you know what Ravishing Rick Rude and Bobby Heenan have in common with the Liberty Bell?
 No, what?
 One is cracked, and the other is a ding dong.
 What I'd like to have right now is for all you fat, out-of-shape Pennsylvania piss-ants, keep the noise down while I take my robe off and give you a good look at the next World Wrestling Federation Champion.
 If your parents were here Piper, they wouldn't let you know that you were gone.
 I'm not going to kill you for that remark, Boobs. I'll let you live with it for the next two and a half hours.
 I heard a rumor that your mom and dad ran away from home.
 Will you stop?!
 You know, Piper used to come home from school and find out that his parents had moved.
 Will you stop?! I'm not going to tell you again or you'll be out of here.
 Concerned look on the face of Stu and Helen Hart.
 You know why they're concerned? They snuck in! They scared the usher away.
 Will you be serious?!
 Stop it now Bobby!
 Don't do it Perfect! Don't touch that ref!
 Why? Disqualifcation will save his title.
 All right then nail him!
 [as Bret blocks a legdrop from Mr. Perfect] Nice block there, that move. Oh, he's got that hold half-applied on the canvas! He's turning him over!
 Beautiful counter!
 The Sharpshooter!
 [as Hebner calls for the bell] He's got it!
 HE GOT IT!
 NO! NO!
 We've got a new champion!
 We've got a new champion!
 NO!
 ALRIGHT!
 Bret "Hitman" Hart!
 [Perfect kicks Bret once. Bret tears off Perfect's singlet as Perfect falls out on the ring]
 The new Intercontinental Champion, Bret "The Hitman" Hart!
 Tear it off, Bret! Tear it off, man!
 Look at Perfect, he's hurt. He wants out of there!
 We've got us a new champeen! [sic]
 And he deserves it! This place is going bananas!
 With Butch, Luke and Andre in there...which one is Larry, Darryl, and Darryl?
 [Bobby is going to Hulk Hogan's dressing room with the NWA world title in his hands.]
 Come on dummy, I don't have all day, I'm a busy man. Right here is the dressing room. Of the WWF champion Hulk Hogan. And I'm going to embarrass him and see what kind of a man he really is. (knocks on Hogan's door) Come on Hogan, open up! Wait till you see this. (Hogan opens the door.) On behalf of the real world's champion, Ric Flair, I would like to challenge you, Hogan. At any time any place (Hogan slams the door.) Who do you think you're embarrassing?! You wouldn't do that if Ric Flair was standing here! You hear-- You hear me?! Turn that camera off. Turn that damn thing off!
 Oh I love it!
 That's not the first door he's had slammed in his face. That's why he ain't married.
 This is the way it's going to happen Mean Gene Okerlund. After I've done, beat your fat mug Boss Man, these little local hick cops are going to grab you and they're going to handcuff your hands. And they're going to take you and, I don't want you gentlemen to do it the New York style. I want gentlemen toto do it the Mountie kind of justice! If he fights back, I want you to drag him through these halls. And once we get back here, we wanna tan him in this little old paddy wagon. And once he get in here, it'll be your job to shackle his ankles, make sure he doesn't run away, shut the doors and throw the key away and bring him to that local New York caboose house. And we'll see you there Boss Man!
 We are about to find out who the real law and order is. And I believe it's the man in the red shirt. (The Mountie)
 Well I believe it's the man in the blue shirt. (The Big Boss Man)
 I'm going to get the Boss Man a pack of cigarettes.
 Are you leaving again?
 Yes, I'm going to take him some cigarettes.
 What do you mean take him some cigarettes? He doesn't even smoke!
 No but he's going to need them to bribe the screws.
 Will you stop?!
 Come on Boss Man, get up! It's six o clock in the morning. Here's your cup of coffee and your one cigarette.
 Oh you know what time they get up in the pokey do you?
 I watched Police Story in Colombo.
 I think he's speaking from personal experience.
 [the cops lead the Mountie to take pictures.]
 You guys think you're tough guys? Give me my shock stick! Aaah! No, no! You're not taking my pictures! Nooooo! You're not taking my pictures! (Hides his face with his arms.)
 So I heard the Boss Man kicked your butt, huh?
 (looks up) What the?! (Photographer snaps the picture.) No!! You're not taking my pictures!
 [the cops lead the Mountie to the fingerprinting area.]
 No! You can't do this to me! You can't-- Aaaah! No! You're not taking my fingerprints! I'm not giving it to you!
 Come on, give me your finger!
 You want the finger?! (flips off the cop) Here's the finger! (They start fingerprinting the Mountie.) Yeow! Ouch! Yeow! Don't do that! I'm the Mountie! You can't fingerprint me!
 It looks as though the Mountie is a bit outnumbered and Sgt. Slaughter, I'm sure you can attest to that going 3 against 2 into the Match Made in Hell.
 What do you mean outnumbered, pukeface? You piece of human scum! Outnumbered?! We're not the ones that are going to be outnumbered. It's the Ultimare Warrior and Hulk Hogan that are going to be outnumbered. Why they're going to be outnumbered before the match even starts. Take a look at the Ultimate Puke. He still looks a little snakebit to me. Ha ha ha ha. And the Immortal Slime Hulk Hogan got a gash in his head. Lost about six gallons of blood. Ha ha ha ha. In fact, it's going to be a lot easier than we thought. In fact, we just may have one more surprise tonight in the match made in hell!
 I hope Slaughter keeps getting back up so that Hogan can keep knocking him down.
 You must really hate the man.
 I do!
 I suppose you like a traitor. Aren't you an American?
 Yes.
 Well this guy turned his back on his country! Would you do that? Maybe you would.
 My favorite show is The Price Is Right.
 [Inside the jail cell, a gay man confronts the Mountie.]
 Hi.
 Oh my god!
 Don't you just love the way leather feels against your body?
 LET ME OUTTA HERE!! LET ME OUTTA HERE!!
 What are you doing with that ridiculous-looking crown on?
 Well, you little stupid peasant, I happen to be Sir Bobby, the King of England.
 Henry VIII would be rolling over in his grave, Bobby "the Brain" Heenan, if he could see this! Nonetheless, the only thing royal about you is you're a royal pain; and speaking of a pain, in whose corner is Mr. Perfect really going to be in — the Ultimate Warrior's, or is going to be in the corner of the Macho Man?
 WOOOOOOOOOO!!!
 I hate to say it, but the Bushwhackers are a lot prettier than some of the women I've seen here.
 Would you please stop that?
 All Typhoon has to do is sit up and tag his partner.
 You're asking a lot for Typhoon to do a situp.
 [on the foam fingers in the audience] I remember when I used to walk to the ring, McMahon, and people used to hold up one finger.
 That was a different kind of salute.
 Davey Boy Smith, you have got to be feeling enormous pressure going into this contest for the Intercontinental Championship. You’ll be stepping into the ring with your brother-in-law. Obviously, this match has torn both sides of the family apart. First of all, your thoughts on the family pressures you are facing now.
 Well, I’m facing a lot of pressures in the family, Sean. But I didn’t make this match, Jack Tunney made this match. But the British Bulldog has fought hard for two long years to be the #1 contender for the Intercontinental belt. Yes, Bret, you are the Intercontinental Champion. Yes, Bret, you are my brother-in-law. But when I step in the ring with you, Bret, I never met you. I don’t even know you. But at the end of the match, I just hope the families reunite.
 British Bulldog, that brings me to my second point, one that may even bring even more pressure on you, is the fact that you will be stepping out into that stadium in front of 80,000 of your fellow countrymen.
 Sean, that isn’t a pressure. That’s a dream for the British Bulldog. And my second dream is, at the end of the match, the British Bulldog will be the next World Wrestling Federation Intercontinental Champion.
 Well, I’ve got to agree with my broadcast colleague, Sean Mooney. Indeed, there is a great deal of pressure for this Intercontinental title bout. However, the pressure for the champion—you, Bret "The Hitman” Hart—much different than the pressure on the challenger, the British Bulldog. For him to win this coveted title, he must either make you submit or get the pinfall 1-2-3 in the center of the ring. And then, of course, there’s the question of the family pressure.
 Well, let me tell you something, Gene. As far as family pressure goes, I’ve proven that I work real well under pressure. But you know something that really bugs me, that really irks me, is the British Bulldog actually has the gall to come out here and say that when he steps into the ring with me, that he’s never met me, that he doesn’t know me. Well, let me tell you something, British Bulldog. Take a good look at my face and look me in the eye and tell me you don’t know me. Do you remember that far back, British Bulldog, when I was the one that introduced you to my sister Diana in the first place. And as far as your career in the World Wrestling Federation, I’m the one that helped you the most. You wouldn’t be where you are in the World Wrestling Federation if it wasn’t for me. Talk about gratitude.
 You know, the British Bulldog forgets he’s the one that wanted to challenge me, he’s the one responsible for all the family tension, he’s the one that wanted a shot at the gold. Well you know something, the British Bulldog...he wanted the big fight? He’s got the big fight. And as far as his big dream...you know what I think of his big dream? This big dream of his of winning the World Wrestling Federation Intercontinental Title in front of 80,000 of his compatriots? Well, you know, I think this big dream of his is gonna turn into a nightmare. And tomorrow morning when he wakes up, he’s gonna think he woke up in the dungeon of Windsor Castle.
 [During the Intercontinental Title match]
 Unbelievable intestinal fortitude on the part of both participants. [Hart rolls over Bulldog, attempting a...] Sunset flip...[Bulldog kneels over Bret's shoulders, catches both legs, and leans forward as Joey Marella counts] Wait a minute...two...that's it!
 He beat him! He beat him! Wembley Arena is going nuts! I mean Wembley Stadium! I don't know where I am!
 The British Bulldog!
 Isn't it ironic that the colors of Michigan are yellow?
 And blue.
 But mostly yellow.
 They're not yellow, they're gold, Bobby Heenan.
 How lucky am I? My very first assignment is SummerSlam. This is bigger than life! Thank you, Vince McMahon, for bringing me on board. We've just seen a title match, we're about to see another one. Shawn Michaels has the Intercontinental belt, he's gonna take on Mr. Perfect. Shawn is here along with his bodyguard Diesel. Shawn, you've won it, you've lost it, you've won it, can you hang onto this thing?
 Now all the questions are gonna be answered—who is the greatest Intercontinental Champion of all time? Is it Mr. Perfect or is it Shawn Michaels? All those answers are gonna come across tonight, and I will prove to everybody—you and all of the world—that Shawn Michaels is the greatest Intercontinental Champ.
 Now wait a minute, they say that Mr. Perfect caused you to lose it and Diesel won it back for you.
 I got news for you. Who's the one that's wearing it? It's Shawn Michaels, so I must've won it. Isn't that right, Diesel?
 That's right. The Heartbreak Kid can take care of the work in the ring. Hey, everybody knows the chicks dig this guy—I'm here just to keep 'em off the champ. Let's get outta here, Champ.
 Detroit used to be known as the Motor city. Now it's known as the tax cheat city!
 (On 1-2-3 Kid's first PPV appearance) This is a first! This is a first! This is the first time that Kid's been out past eight o'clock!
 (To Vince McMahon) Wrong, wrong, wrong, tuxedo breath!
 (1-2-3 Kid hits a single kick as his first move in the match and goes for the pin)
 Cover him! It's over! He got him! (IRS kicks out) No he didn't.
 Whaddya mean it's over?!? It's not over!
 Well, call it what you will, call it luck, call it ability, call it the fact that the 1-2-3 Kid will take high-risks like no one else ever in the WWF, whatever it is, you can call him victorious.
 You could call him stupid.
 Ouch! Hit him right on the bicusbid.
 The what?
 The bicusbid.
 What do you know about bicusbids?
 You're asking and answering your own questions, you really are the Brain, aren't you?
 Well, I have to, when I'm with...
 Yeah right, when you're with what?
 Uh, nothing.
 He hit him so hard he knocked three zits off his cheek!
 Cheating is only cheating when you get caught, and bragging isn't bragging when you can do it.
 Well, I think he shines more, uh, his ability to think for himself without relying on a partner, could be an advantage of, uh, of Mr. IRS, but I would have to say just by watching him and the way I've been watching him and the way you, in the ring right now, I'd have to say that... yeah, the Kid's in trouble.
 Could you care to repeat that please?
 Well... no.
 I see.
 (On Irwin R. Schyster) He doesn't like to be called Irwin, he doesn't like to be called Schyster, what does he like to be called?
 R.
 That's Bruce Hart right? Did he ever play a banjo in the movie Deliverance?
 (Jerry Lawler has Bret Hart up against the ringpost) We saw Doink earlier ram Bret's leg into the ringpost, now what's Lawler going to do? (Lawler crotches Bret against the post) Oh no!
 (High voice) Oh it's going to happen to Bret "The Hitman" Hart.
 Stop it Bobby Heenan!
 I'm gonna show you all why Lex Lugar is gonna try to win the World Wrestling Federation championship right here in the middle of the American Dream. Well keep on dreaming Lex Lugar, because if this is what you stand up for, if this is what you're proud of, these crumbling buildings, this filth, this pollution, and I bet the Lex Express never stopped here on it's way to SummerSlam. So Lex Lugar, look at this..this building is crumbling like America is crumbling because you American high school dropouts are signing this country away welfare check by welfare check. And you people call this the land of opportunities?! Well, I'm gonna take my opportunity to show all you so-called American wrestlers & Marty Janetty tonight at SummerSlam what Ludvig Borga is all about.
 Harvey Wippleman was instrumental in stealing that urn from the Undertaker.
 No no no, he "urned" it!
 (Referring to The Undertaker) The man in black!
 Yeah, I bet Johnny Cash has a picture of him on his wall.
 (On Harvey Wippleman) Tell him, Harvey! You tell him Harvey!
 Tell him what?
 Get on his case! Harvey'll knock you out in a minute, you know.
 Yeah, sure...
 But that urn owned by Harvey Wippleman!
 It's owned by The Undertaker, it's in the possesion of Harvey Wippleman.
 Same thing!
 (On Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzalez) Take out the silver bullets, the wooden stake, and the garlic! Take him home, Giant!
 Harvey'll knock you out in a minute! (Harvey Wippleman charges and is instantly knocked out by Paul Bearer) He slipped, he lost his footing.
 (On Undertaker) He's back to the tomb! He's back to the crypt! He's back to his box of dirt! He's looking at the urn! He's got his power back! He's got Paul Bearer back! There's gonna be trouble for everyone in the World Wrestling Federation!
 (After Yokozuna is knocked out by Lex Luger's forearm and loses to Luger by countout) I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! HE IS OUT! HE IS STILL OUT! THE CHAMPION IS OUT! WILL SOMEONE PLEASE HELP HIM? PLEASE HELP HIM! HE IS OUT! HE IS STILL OUT! MY GOD!
 [interviewing Lex Luger in his dressing room where he is joined by Rick and Scott Steiner, Tatanka, and Macho Man Randy Savage after defeating Yokozuna by countout] Lex Lugar, the public loves you and obviously your friends of the WWF love you too.
 It's a great feeling in the locker room, it's a great feeling out there in the ring, a great victory today. And you know, it's an honor and a privilege to wrestle for the World Wrestling Federation title and an honor and privilege to represent my country out there. The atmosphere was..
 (Ludvig Borga who earlier defeated Marty Janetty enters Lex's dressing room)
 Lex Luger, I'm here in your locker room to tell you that I am NOT impressed with you. And I am not impressed with your friends either and I certainly am not impressed about the country that you stand up for. Now let me tell you something, if you ever step into the ring with Ludvig Borga, I will crush you like America is crumbling piece by piece and I see you as the backbone of America and if you ever step in the ring with me, I will break it.
 [on Alundra Blayze] What a competitor. What an athlete.
 What a face. I've heard of faces that could stop a clock; this face could stop Switzerland.
 Now wait a minute, if you'll turn this...a battle between a beauty and the beast, considering Bull Nakano's look.
 I agree, she's beautiful.
 [regarding the Hart family] McMahon, why don't you ask them the hard questions? Why don't you get them to tell the truth? [Pointing to Stu and Helen Hart] You drove them to this, both of you. You know you did. You brought Owen to this. You kept him down his whole life! You, the entire family! You all did it! The only man...
 The brothers back there, wait a minute...you'd better watch your mouth!
 The entire family has drove Owen to this! I wanna say a word to this man over here though. Here's the only man I want to welcome to the United Center because this is the man who, two years ago at SummerSlam, went head-to-head, face-to-face against Bret Hart. Are you having...are you having any flashbacks? Wouldn't you love to be in there against him tonight?
 Uh, not really because I know what kind of condition Bret's in, and he's in the best condition of his life right now. The family feud started in 1992 at SummerSlam, but in 1994 tonight at the United Center, the family feud is hopefully going to end in this 15-foot-high steel cage.
 It's gonna end, all right. And I don't think any of you are gonna like the way it's ending.
 Why don't you ask some of the brothers back here. Ask Bruce, he's right there behind Davey...[noticing behind Bruce] oh wait a minute. Wait just a minute. Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart. Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, your thoughts on this steel cage. And you, you sitting here among all the other family members. How do they feel about you sitting here among them?
 Well, you know...you know, it's all in the family. But I...I think everyone's gonna really see who the really...who the best Hart is of all, who's the best. And everyone's gonna see that Owen Hart is gonna be the next World Heavyweight Champion.
 He's the King of Harts already!
 He's the King of Harts, and he's the best Hart of all! He's the best wrestler! And you know something? I think that Stu Hart did drive Owen to this greatness!
 I'm going in this match with one thing in mind. First of all, this World Wrestling Federation Championship belt isn't going anywhere. It's going right back over my shoulder back in the dressing room because I'm gonna prove that I am better than Owen, I was always better than Owen. And you know, Owen, I want you to understand something. I don't hate you. I don't hate your guts, I never, ever did. I never got into this thing thinking or believing that I hated your guts, 'cause I don't. The problem with you is you, it's in your head and it's in your heart. Jealousy is a horrible thing, it's a ugly thing [sic] that's a...
 You know, Neidhart, that might be a different story. Maybe I might just go that far and say I hate his guts, 'cause I believe right inside my heart that it was Jim Neidhart, right from the start, that started all this stuff. He's the one that planted the seeds of jealousy in Owen in the first place. Owen, I don't hate you, I just feel kinda sorry for you. And in this match, brother against brother, Cain and Abel, whatever you want to call it, it...it breaks my heart to think that it's come this far, that two brothers are gonna be in the most...this is barbaric. This has nothing to do with what we grew up with, believing in wrestling, exchanging holds and all this. This has gone way beyond that; this is out of the Dungeon now. This is a dogfight, this is something...this is liked caged animals, and it's something I'm not very proud of. But the fact is, it has to stop.
 You know, you people don't understand. I've got my mother coming up to me with tears in her eyes and begging me to see this thing end, my father wants to see it end, everybody wants to see it end. And I've tried to end it, I've tried to find someplace to stop it, and there's no place you can end it. But now, I see this is it, it's gonna be a ugly fight [sic], it's gonna be a dogfight, and there's gonna be one winner and one loser. And I'm not gonna lose this thing, Owen. I'm going in there with every single thing I got, and I'm gonna beat you, brother. And I just hope, after it's all said and done, that you can live with it.
 Bret Hart trying to finish this thing once and for all with his baby brother Owen.
 See, listen to you calling him a baby.
 Youngest brother, he was the baby of the family.
 ...
 Why do you feel like you have to refer to the WWF Champion as a baby?
 My whole family?! What the hell was all that! They're not my flesh and blood! They turned their backs on me! The only one they ever cared about was Bret! I ought to be the winner! I don't know what the hell the British Bulldog is doing! He's not my brother! He's not my family, jumping in there and interfering! Bulldog, you stay out of it! Bret, I had you beat.
 I'm standing here with what is fixin' to be the future WWF Champion. And now, come on, King Mabel. You gave me the first scoop, you've been involving me plan after plan. Come on, tell me, tell me, what's the final plan? Gotta know, gotta know, come on, come on.
 Dok, you, just like everybody else around the world, are just gonna have to wait until it unfolds. Big Daddy Cool, what's the old saying? Fool me once, shame on me; fool me twice; shame on you; but three times? What's your story, Big Daddy Fool? You think the thing with the British Bulldog was the big one?
 Yeah!
 Uh-uh. It's tonight, and you will see. Long live the king.
 Can you imagine poor Hunter Hearst-Helmsley is gonna have to be soiled by this grease monkey with those filthy, greasy fingernails of his, Bob "Spark Plug" Holly. Look at the look on Hunter's face. Oh, this has gotta be...oh, I can't even imagine it myself.
 This is degrading for Hunter Hearst-Helmsley?
 Without a doubt.
 Please.
 I mean, that's just two complete opposite worlds. You're looking at the kind of guy over there, in Bob "Spark Plug" Holly, that would spend his honeymoon at a monster truck rally or something, and then you've got a man over here who...his idea of a fast food restaurant would be someplace that could serve Kentucky-fried quail or pheasant under glass.
 "Kentucky-fried quail."
 Yeah.
 I see.
 Or squab. You ever heard of that?
 Squab?
 Yeah. That's the kind of things Hunter Hearst-Helmsley would eat.
 Sounds like a detergent. Squab?
 You sure you're not from Alabama, like Bob there?
 We're back! I'm sure everybody will agree that we were cheated once. And then guess what. We were cheated twice. But tonight, I promise you that third time's the charm for the Body Donnas. And Mr. Barry Horriblewitz will regret ever stepping up to the Body Donnas, and that's a promise. We plan on showing everyone, we plan on teaching Barry Horriblewitz, that good-for-nothing, out-of-shape, natural born loser, a lesson that he and all of you will never soon forget.
 [to Sunny after she threw in the towel] Hey, this is not boxing! This is wrestling! YOU GET OUT!!
 [on Barry Horowitz] I knew something was up when I looked at his name, and beside his name in the program, it said, "yeah, right."
 You've heard of Buns of Steel? I think Bertha Faye's got buns of cinnamon.
 [on Isaac Yankem, DDS] This man has been a great wrestler in the past under an assumed name.
 What was his assumed name?
 I'm not gonna tell you that. He doesn't want them to know. He only wants everybody to know him by his name, and it's Yankem, not Yankem.
 Come on, Shawn.
 You're rooting for Shawn to win?
 No, I don't care.
 ...
 Come on, Razor.
 You just said, "come on, Shawn," earlier.
 I know. See? I'm very objective.
 Owen Hart, to a certain extent, following in the footsteps of his older brother, Bret "The Hitman" Hart.
 Do you have to mention his name at SummerSlam around me, McMahon?
 There's no place like home, Todd, there's no place like home. For knowledge and discipline, there is no place like home. But as much as I love... [licks the side of a boiler] ...every square inch within these hallowed halls, it's time to leave, because destiny awaits on the other side.
 Was he licking that thing?
 do not come in here, because outside the walls awaits you a fate worse than death, and a possible course of events that could alter the future of all mankind! Have a nice day!
 Look at Sunny. She looks great, doesn't she?
 Oh, yeah, just ask her how good she looks, she'll tell ya.
 [on Phineas Godwinn and Zip] Here we go, criss-cross action. Where's she gonna stop? [Zip stops...] Right about there, maybe...[Phineas and Zip rush to the Smoking Gunns' corner and tag both of them] Well, how about that?!
 There you go!
 [They strut back, hug briefly, and go to their respective corners]
 Tagged both Gunns in! Look at that!
 Now wait a minute, they're not gonna wrestle each other.
 They have to, they have no choice.
 No, they got...they gotta have something.
 They gotta make contact, that's the rules, Perfect.
 That's right, Billy now must wrestle Bart.
 I want everybody to take a real good look right now at the winners and still World Wrestling Federation Tag Team Champions, and that's the way they're gonna stay! Now before we go and have our victory party, I want all you women to look at the Smoking Gunns, at what real men are supposed to look like. And boys, take a good look at the woman next to you—the fat, the cellulite, how out of shape they are right now. And as I look around here, this place is looking really sorry, so my generous gift to you—to make this building look a whole lot better. Hit it, boys!
 [A giant pinup of Sunny unravels above the ring]
 Unbelievable!
 Don't I look incredible?! Mwah!
 I don't think the fans here miss Cornette. He's about as popular here as Art Modell.
 I don't care if there's 50,000 stinking people out there, it's gonna make no difference! Shawn Michaels, we've proved a lot of things. We proved that Vader can pin you for a three-count, 'cause he did it last month. We proved that he can beat you up, 'cause he did it on Raw. And now tonight at SummerSlam, we're gonna prove that Vader's gonna beat you when it counts, and that's for the World Wrestling Federation Title. I promised last month that Camp Cornette would win, I promise it tonight that Vader is gonna beat Shawn Michaels. Shawn, when he grabs you around the neck and you try to talk, dude, your voice is gonna sound like Peter Frampton's electronic kazoo in the instrumental break of "Do You Feel Like We Do", and it's gonna be a bad ride from there! Because one way or another, we're gonna come out on top tonight. Vader's beaten Shawn Michaels once and for all!
 Mankind, better known...well, not better known as, but certainly known as Mick Foley, grew up not all that far, grew up here in the tri-state area out on Long Island.
 Well, that explains what's wrong with him.
 GET OUTTA MY WAY!!!
 ...
 Ken Shamrock. Although one cannot applaud the actions of Ken Shamrock, you certainly can't applaud what set this volcano off.
 Miguel Perez, whose father wrestled in the 50s and 60s, a great tag team competitor in the WWF. Partners with the late Antonino Rocca.
 And following in his dad's footsteps, a tremendous competitor.
 King, did you ever wrestle Antonino Rocca in the early sixties?
 Stop this.
 Who?
 Four guys with bad attitudes. You know, the show America's Most Wanted was based on DOA.
 I don't think John Walsh has ever spoke with the DOA, at least on a first-person basis.
 ...
 You trying to tell me Crush has never been in trouble with the law? Huh? Shoot, his family portrait is a courtroom sketch.
 Mr. Austin. Mr. Austin. Stone Cold. I need a quick word with you before the match.
 Yeah I got a quick word for you. Get out of here!
 Mr. Austin, are you prepared? Are you prepared to put your reputation on the line tonight? You would have to kiss Owen's backside if you lose in front of all these people 20,000 people. A million people out there on pay per view. Mr. Austin, are you ready?
 You're fixing to kiss my ass if you don't get your little ass out of my face. You got that? You and your stupid little bow tie. You don't impress me none, you little piece of trash!
 Uh, Michael perhaps a little overzealous there. He doesn't know Stone Cold all that well.
 A man of few words, but one of them is a-double-s.
 What's gonna happen in the next match-up? Shawn Michaels cares about his own career, and obviously also cares, in a negative way, as it relates to the Hitman, Bret Hart. What sort of emotion is Shawn Michaels feeling as the guest referee?
 Are you kidding me? Shawn Michaels' ego is so big that it's got its own ZIP code, McMahon. All he cares about is what his hair looks like out here tonight. And you know what? Speaking of the Undertaker, Shawn Michaels...I mean, he's so full of himself, when he goes to a funeral, he's upset because he's not the corpse. He wants to be the center of attention, and tonight, some kind of way, he will manage to be the center of attention in this match.
 And the Hitman Bret Hart said he didn't mean it literally, he meant it figuratively when he stated he would never wrestle again in the United States if he didn't win the WWF Championship. I'm sure he is regretting that comment.
 Well, it's officially in the contract, so it is a done deal. If Bret Hart doesn't leave this arena, ladies and gentlemen, tonight here at SummerSlam with the WWF Championship, Bret...this will be Bret Hart's last match ever in the United States.
 I'd like everybody to stand back and listen to the Canadian national anthem, and I just want to dedicate this match to all my fellow Canadians, to all my fans all over the world that feel the same way as I do about America and Americans. This is for you.
 Now all the other WWF referees are gonna want pyro.
 Music, pyro, yeah.
 Earl Hebner would look good in front of a Roman candle.
 [Shawn confronts Bret with the chair]
 Shawn Michaels with that chair that Bret tried to throw out of the ring. [Shawn pulls him off of the Undertaker] Maybe Michaels has had enough. Michaels was on the outside and did not see...
 [Bret spits in Shawn's face]
 Uh-oh!
 [Shawn tries to hit Bret with the chair, but Bret ducks and Shawn hits the Undertaker instead]
 Good God! Good God!
 [Bret covers Undertaker and waves Shawn over to count. Shawn counts to three and leaves.]
 I can't believe this.
 [Undertaker leaves the ring]
 This is horrible.
 And the Undertaker is going after Shawn Michaels.
 Bret "Hitman" Hart!
 The impossible has happened at this year's SummerSlam; and the Undertaker, with one last glance back at Bret Hart, as Bret Hart kisses the gold. And Bret Hart, somehow, is once again WWF Champion.
 Bret Hart now immersing himself in the Maple Leaf. There's gotta be jubilation in Canada, perhaps jubilation in the United Kingdom and Germany, but there is no joy in East Rutherford, New Jersey, tonight.
 We would like to take you back and show you how this happened.
 This is shocking.
 [off replay] Alright, here Shawn picked up the chair.
 He busted the Undertaker's brains out, but right now he's realizing if he don't count, he's gone too.
 I don't understand that.
 What's not to understand?
 And now Bret Hart being joined by all the other Hart Foundation members. Bret Hart, with the Maple Leaf draped around his neck, the flag of Canada, and the WWF Championship back around his waist for the fifth time, and it happened here in America.
 Hello ladies!
 Are there any ladies in New York City?
 Of course there are.
 Of the night.
 So the Big Valbowski has arrived to the Big Apple. Well, you know something? I came, I saw...and I came again.
 Is D'Lo from Europe?
 No, he's not, he's from Jersey.
 Jersey?
 Right hand by D'Lo Brown.
 I think it's Lisbon or Munich.
 Or Hoboken.
 The Rock's swinging that ladder just like Mark McGwire's swinging a baseball bat.
 Why don't we ever talk about Sammy Sosa? Never mind.
 No WWF Champion has ever entered Madison Square Garden with that kind of ovation! I challenge you, I challenge you to research that, King! I literally felt this building shake!
 Okay, I'll give you that. Every single soul is on their feet with anticipation! They love Stone Cold Steve Austin. But a lot of them love the Undertaker too. This is truly gonna be the collision on the highway to Hell.
 (After Triple H strikes Shawn Michaels twice with his sledgehammer after their match) I refuse to believe what I see, I refuse to believe that after the most courageous victory that many of us had ever seen, that son of a bitch used that hammer on Shawn, he's hit him twice with that sledgehammer! (Triple H performs a crotch chop to the incapacitated Michaels before leaving) My god almighty, Triple H is gonna rot.
 Hurry, hurry, get the....
 He's gonna rot in hell for what he did here tonight. (EMT's attend to Michaels as Triple H smirks) This just makes me sick.
 Are you proud of yourself now?! Look at him! Look at that stinkin' smile on his face!
 How in god's name can that human being be from this planet? How can he, does he have no conscience? Does he have no heart?! Do you have no soul?! You son of a bitch! Do you realize what you've just done?!
 (after Brock Lesnar wins the WWE Undisputed Championship) "The Next Big Thing" has arrived!
 (when the referee declares Mick Foley unable to continue in their I Quit match) This isn't a "lay down on your ass" match, it's an I Quit match!
 (shouting at Melina while grinding a barbed wired baseball bat into Mick Foley's eye) I'll kill you too, you stupid bitch!
 (after Melina throws in the towel to save Mick Foley from any more punishment from Flair) She... She does not quit for him. He quits!
 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my guest at this time, CM Punk. Punk, tonight, you have an opportunity to become the World Heavyweight Champion once again. What are your thoughts going into this Tables, Ladders & Chairs match with Jeff Hardy?
 new World Heavyweight Champion—CM Punk. [He drops the screenplay and walks away]
 NO! [After Jeff Hardy delivers a Swanton Bomb to CM Punk off a ladder] OH MY GOD I DON'T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW!
 that I am the Miz, and I’m… -no, no, no, no, no. You don’t get to do my catchphrase. If any of you have anything to say to me, you raise your hand and you wait, you wait to be called upon. Until then I want absolute silence. (crowd boos) … Because I’m the Miz and I’M AWESOME!
 [as the Miz enters] Yes, the man I believe is going to be the key to Team WWE.
 you're way, way, way too late. We realize how important this match is to WWE and we couldn't rely on somebody who was gonna make their decision the day of SummerSlam. So we all have gone out and found a seventh member of Team WWE. It's not you. As a matter of fact, it's somebody that hates the Nexus just as much as all of us. The seventh member of Team WWE is Daniel Bryan.
 What?
 Daniel Bryan?
 [as Bryan walks down the aisle] You've gotta be kidding me!
 Look at this, it's Daniel Bryan!
 This is ridiculous! This is a huge mistake! Daniel Bryan was the Miz's rookie on NXT, and now he's part of Team WWE! And here we go!
 [Team WWE charges into the ring]
 Here we go! The American Dragon has arrived at SummerSlam!
 Ladies and gentlemen, back by popular demand, the most must-see WWE Champion of ALL TIME, the Miz has returned to SummerSlam! I just wanna take this time to thank each and every one of you for your insistence that I compete tonight and for your unwavering support. So now I want you to sit back and relax and watch as I steal the show like only I can because...
 [Interrupted by R-Truth's single entry quote as he comes down the aisle]
 Now that was pretty rude.
 Yo, Miz! I don't know why you wanna thank these people here in Los Angeles. You know how I hate spiders, Miz? You see, spiders start with the letter S... [Audience yells "WHAT?!"]...just like SummerSlam starts with the letter S. [WHAT?!] Don't "what" me! [What?!] And singing at SummerSlam is Cee-Lo Green. [WHAT?!] You know what else starts with the letter C? [WHAT?!] Conspiracy. You see what I mean?! [WHAT?!] Next time y'all "what" me...
 [Interrupted by Alberto Del Rio's music, who drives in in a Ferrari California]
 This is SummerSlam, I thought we were on Sesame Street there for a minute.
 Wow, just in time.
 You're on a street paved with gold now.
 I want you to tell me directly that that kick was accidental, 'cause I will not allow you to impugn my integrity or challenge my authority as Executive Vice President of Talent Relations. So I want a public apology for what happened last Monday night right now.
 [mockingly] I'm sorry. Please forgive me and humbly accept my apology, Mr. John Laurinaitis, Senior Executive of Talent Relations...
 Executive Vice President.
 Executive Vice President of Talent Relations. I'm sorry.
 [He makes a few faces and Laurinaitis walks away. He turns around to find Stephanie McMahon]
 I just came to wish you luck tonight.
 [looking over his shoulders] You came here to wish me luck?
 I did.
 I find that hard to believe. Why don't you go run along and talk to your husband, the new COO of WWE; or you know, better yet, why don't you go wish your daddy luck? I mean, I know he doesn't run day-to-day operations around here anymore—thank God!—but I know he's still chairman of the board.
 Well, I actually did speak to both my husband and my father and, believe it or not, they both wish you luck too, as well as John Cena. But what would I know? I'm just Vince McMahon's clueless daughter, right?
 Yeah, more or less, you're pretty clueless, but I didn't say it, you did. I called you idiotic.
 [shrugging and extending her hand] Good luck.
 I would, but I know where that hand's been.
 There's no way we shoulda lost that. It's a C-O-N...what do you think about this, Jimmy Hart? What do you think?
 You know, Truth, I've been watching you. You know, you need somebody to take you to the top because...you're good, but you need somebody to take you to the top. Look what I've done—I've managed the Honky Tonk Man, I've had Money Inc., I've had the Hart Foundation. You need somebody to watch your back and, like I said again, take you to the top. You need somebody to watch over you to make sure you don't get got by the conspiracy. You need someone like me. You need me because you got think big. You gotta think big in this business.
 You make a lot of sense, Jimmy. A lot of sense. It's a big world, it's a big business. You gotta think big. Everything's big. I had it wrong all along. Think big and not little, Jimmy.
 Not little.
 Little Jimmy? You Little Jimmy?
 [scared] I'm not Little Jimmy.
 You smell like Little Jimmy!
 I don't smell...I'm not Little Jimmy!
 You talkin' 'bout Little Jimmy?!
 No, no, I wasn't. I wasn't.
 Where's Little Jimmy at?!
 [running away] I don't know where Little Jimmy is!
 Every time I turn around, Little Jimmy! Little Jimmy's conspiracies everywhere! Getting tired of this. [Turns to his right] What y'all lookin' at?!
 [He walks away as the camera turns to show Ron Artest and his daughter Diamond]
 [to Ron] And they say you need counseling?
 It's okay.
 [on Daniel Bryan] I like the beard on him, I like the new look on Daniel Bryan...
 You know how long it took him to grow that beard? About two months! Actually, I believe he hasn't even shaved yet. Like, forever.
 What is Daniel Bryan gonna have to do to make a believer out of you? Is there anything possible he can do to make you a Daniel Bryan fan? What?
 Yeah, quit.
 As most of you probably know, [to Christian] as you know, [to random fans] as you know, as you know, heck, as you know, the WWE doctors...the WWE have told me that I'll never physically be cleared to compete here ever again. [Audience boos] Trust me, I booed too, okay? It was a bitter pill to swallow. But you know what? When I left, I was actually happy. I was happy. Here's the thing. Because I felt that I was part of passing the torch to Christian. I felt like...like maybe I opened the door a crack for you and you kicked it wide open and I was so proud of you. You finally became the World Heavyweight Champion and no one deserved it more than you. Hey, hear me out. Here's the thing. I thought it was unfair that Teddy Long made you defend the Championship five days after a ladder match. We both agreed on that. You didn't think it was fair, I didn't think it was fair. And then you came and you complained about it the next week, and the week after that, and the week after that, and the week after that, the week after that, the week after that, the week after that, so on, and so on, and so on, and so on, and so on. You whined, you moaned, you asked for opportunity after opportunity, rematch after rematch, and you got it. You won back the World Heavyweight Championship—two-time World Heavyweight Champion. But you did it by disqualification? I mean, trust me, I did some horrible things in here, some really heinous things, but I always did it with style. I always did it with some panache. I wasn't boring. I didn't hide behind lawyers, I didn't hide behind suits and clipboards. Somewhere along the line, Christian, you became a disgrace to yourself. You're better than that, you know it. And I love ya. 'Til the day I die, you will be my best friend, that's never gonna change, but you need to hear this from me 'cause you're not gonna listen to it from anybody else—I didn't know my best friend would become a whining, crying, moaning little bitch.
 Talking to one vet earlier on today when he...well, he compared Triple H as the COO and as the referee of this match-up akin to a police officer making an arrest, and then that same police officer also being the judge in the same case. A little conflict of interest perhaps, that's how many people view this.
 [as CM Punk celebrates his win, becoming undisputed WWE Champion] What a SummerSlam, ladies and gentlemen, here tonight in Los Angeles. What a SummerSlam. [Punk turns around to find Kevin Nash, who clotheslines him] Wait a minute, oh my God! Who the hell?! Who the hell is that?!
 What the hell?
 Kevin Nash! That's Kevin Nash!
 [Triple H walks back to the ring shocked]
 You got to be kidding! That's my big homey!
 What is he doing here?! [Nash powerbombs Punk] Oh my God, the Jackknife Powerbomb! [Nash leaves through the audience as Triple H looks on in bewilderment. Meanwhile, Del Rio walks down with a referee and the briefcase] Oh my lo...OH MY GOD, Alberto Del Rio, Mr. Money in the Bank...
 Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, my goodness.
 ...with a referee in tow!
 Timing is everything!
 [Del Rio hands the briefcase to the referee, who orders the impromptu match to begin]
 Del Rio! Del Rio with the Money in the Bank contract! He's cashing it in!
 [the bell rings] Alberto Del Rio cashing in his Money in the Bank contract!
 CM Punk...
 I don't believe this.
 ...taken out by Nash! [Del Rio kicks Punk in the head] Del Rio, kick to the back of the head! The cover! [The ref counts to three] Oh, my lord! Del Rio's Champion! Del Rio's Champion!
 Alberto Del Rio!
 [as Del Rio celebrates, being handed the title] This is absolutely unbelievable! What a turn of events!
 Pandemomium at SummerSlam!
 What this is, guys, this is destiny tonight for Alberto Del Rio!
 But what was Kevin Nash doing here?!
 Triple H trying to figure out...trying to make sense of everything that has happened here.
 As we are. This is total chaos. I think that Alberto Del Rio is now the undisputed WWE Champion.
 He is! He is!
 Did you say "think"? Alberto Del Rio is the new WWE Champion here tonight at SummerSlam! He cashed it in!
 Triple H has no idea what's happened. Del Rio cashed in his Money in the Bank contract...
 But he did it after CM Punk was laid out by Kevin Nash, who had...what the hell was he doing here?! Well, there's our undisputed Champion, Alberto Del Rio! What just happened?!
 [on the "YES!" chants] The chants are really getting to Daniel Bryan.
 I'm gonna point out what I've been saying all along. This is extremely unfair for Daniel Bryan. The crowd's distracting him.
 You just really can't make up your mind, can you? You're indecisive. I remember when you couldn't stand Daniel Bryan; now you're at the top of his fan club.
 Well, he's won me over.
 I heard you've got a seven-year-old son you haven't named yet. Come on, make up your mind about things, Cole.
 [after Triple H had tapped out to Brock Lesnar] You have to wonder if this is the end for Triple H.
 [Triple H can't find the words and walks back]
 Wow, I think he just said goodbye.
 Throughout literary history, there have been several prolific pairings. Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson; to dumb it down for all of you halfwits, Batman and Robin. Each duo had something in common—there was a leader and an inferior sidekick or lackey. Cody Rhodes was my sidekick, and tonight I send him back from whence he came, from his family of carnival clowns. SILENCE! Team Rhodes Scholars could have been the ultimate prolific pairing. But tonight, I send Cody back to the pairing he was destined for,with his father—Dumb and Dumber. You're welcome.
 And his opponent, from San...[Alberto stops her and whispers into her ear] Ladies and gentlemen, Alberto Del Rio is insisting that I introduce him in Spanish. Desde San Luis Potosí, Mexico, pesando doscientos treinta y nueve libras. Él es el campeón de peso completo, Alberto Del Rio!
 Lilian had better be careful. We know what happened to the last ring announcer for Alberto Del Rio.
 [Daniel Bryan hits a running knee on Cena]
 Bryan for a cover, hook of the leg...[Triple H counts to three] HE DID IT! DANIEL BRYAN DID IT! DANIEL BRYAN IS WWE CHAMPION!
 Oh man!
 Daniel Bryan!
 The fairytale has come true! The dream of a lifetime! The decade of perseverance and hard work has paid off! Daniel Bryan is on top of the world!
 It's said before, but they're right—miracles can happen!
 Daniel Bryan is WWE Champion!
 The beard is here, and the Champ is here!
 This could be the year of the beard.
 I hear voices in my head...
 Oh my God. Oh my God!
 You've gotta be kidding me.
 Mr. Money in the Bank, Randy Orton, briefcase and contract in tow.
 Randy Orton's gonna cash in.
 [Randy stops before ringside]
 Is Randy Orton gonna ruin Bryan's moment? [Randy holds the briefcase up, takes a few steps toward the ring...] The Champ not backing down. [...then turns around and walks back] And Randy Orton with a little message, just a little reminder to the WWE Champion.
 Yeah. "I'm still here."
 [as Randy stops halfway up and turns around] YES!
 [chanting] YES!
 Wait a minute.
 [Triple H turns Daniel around, kicks him in the gut...]
 Oh my God! OH MY GOD!
 What are you doing?!
 What the hell?! [...and Pedigrees him. Randy enters the ring and hands the briefcase to Triple H.] Oh my God, no. Oh my God, no! Hunter, what are you doing?!
 [handing the briefcase to the announcer] Ring the bell now. Ring it.
 Hunter, what are you doing? This match is underway. Bryan's out cold. [Randy turns Daniel onto his back and covers him.] Randy Orton...[Triple H counts to three] Randy Orton has cashed in Money in the Bank. Randy Orton is a seven-time WWE Champion.
 Randy Orton!
 Oh my God! Triple H, wha...?
 What the hell just happened?
 [struggling to say it] It just isn't real.
 Talk about a damper on the party. This is the damnedest SummerSlam I've ever seen.
 You've gotta be kidding me.
 You can't help but feel bad for Daniel Bryan.
 Daniel Bryan...Daniel Bryan.
 Well, you know what, guys? Look at it this way—Mr. McMahon just got his wish. He didn't want Cena to be Champion, and he sure as hell didn't want Daniel Bryan to be Champion.
 Randy Orton didn't even have to do a thing. After that Pedigree, he just turned Daniel Bryan over, covered him, and the Game counted 1-2-3; we got a new WWE Champion. What on Earth have we just witnessed? What does this mean?! What's gonna happen?!
 In a summer dominated with talking robots, talking monkeys, and talking Ninja Turtles, tonight, you are blessed in be in a presence with a real-life, non-CGI movie star. A man who possesses something that Drax the Destroyer to Hercules to every single person in this town wishes they had—[points to his face] this, the moneymaker. See, tonight, I wanna make Dolph Ziggler go from a bright, shiny star that everybody's been talking about, to an unrecognizable failure. In other words, I'm gonna make WWE Dolph Ziggler, Superstar, the WWE version of the Lakers.
 [on Maria Menounos] She once called me her favorite host of all time at WrestleMania.
 What?
 She later admitted that she was under the influence.
 On Paige's 22nd birthday, she becomes a 2-time Divas Champion!
 Guys, we've had two matches and two title changes here tonight.
 What an incredible performance by Paige, and what a counter, guys, of AJ's Black Widow submission maneuver.
 What an incredible SummerSlam so far! Happy birthday, Paige!
 [Paige sits a barely conscious AJ up and hugs her, gives her a kiss, and shoves her back down. She skips around the ring]
 Look at...look at this.
 Paige does have affection, she does love AJ.
 Come on, this is... As you said, Michael, that's a little creepy.
 Whack-job.
 Champion.
 What a specimen. [Brock picks up Cena over his shoulders] Oh, my God, Cena on top. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar going for the F-5. [Lesnar hits the F-5 and covers Cena] For the Championship, Lesnar with the cover. [Referee counts to three] Lesnar has won the WWE World Title in convincing fashion!
 Brock Lesnar!
 That is the most dominating performance I have ever seen in a championship match in my life.
 It wasn't even close.
 My God.
 Lesnar has conquered John Cena.
 Lesnar destroyed a 15-time World Champion, he destroyed the Streak. This man, Brock Lesnar, is unstoppable.
 This was a merciless assault.
 I think Brock could've ended it earlier. He just didn't want to. I never dreamed I would see this happen to John Cena.
 What a 2014 for Brock Lesnar - the most dominant year of any athlete here in WWE! He stops the undefeated streak at WrestleMania of the Undertaker, and he slays John Cena!
 [to Brock] You are the conqueror, and you've conquered the WWE Universe!
 You know, I've spent the last 16 years talking about politics; it's nice to be back in reality.
 Brooklyn, now, we know that your city is used to feeling filthy and disgusting, so we brought you some positivity. I mean, look at how clean we are. Everybody, get your cameras out and see how good we look!
 They are clean.
 You see, today, we're gonna teach up about a little something called hip...hop, something that New York doesn't know anything about. Y'all don't know nothing about hip-hop, because hip-hop originated in the South.
 Peace up, A-Town down!
 So it goes a little something like this. [The New Day enters the ring] Hold on now, come on, come on. You know Jay-Z's tried this, but Jay-Z failed. The good news is the New Day's about to make it a whole lot better. All right, pitch pipes to C. Pitch pipes to C.
 Got it.
 [The New Day blows into their pipes]
 [to tune of "Empire State of Mind"] Let's hear it for New Day
 Negativity won't affect us
 Clap 'cause it's infectious
 Let's hear it for New Day
 All those other tag teams are booty
 Yeah, I said booty
 Let's hear it for New Day
 New Day, New Daaa...[brief stop for breath]...aaayyyyy
 ...
 Jay-Z's gonna sign those guys if he can afford 'em.
 Tricep meat all day long! Big E's got the market cornered on tricep meat! You can't even get a hamburger in WWE because Big E sells nothing but tricep meat!
 That's what happens when you have a Ph.D, Michael—you've got a lot to say like Xavier Woods.
 Paul Heyman, I'm a big fan. I call you the Apex Orator.
 Thank you. I consider that a compliment.
 It is a compliment. May I have a word with Mr. Lesnar?
 Now's not really a good time.
 Because I'm an Undertaker guy, is that what this is?
 Well...that's not the only reason, but if I may. What happened when your guy fought my Beast, what do you got to say about that?
 You're pretty happy about that, right? The victory. You know who wasn't happy about that? Wrestling fans. See, that's what I am; I'm a wrestling fan. And the Undertaker had perfection. He had a streak that hadn't been seen, 21-0. You know who people remember? Joe DiMaggio and his streak. You know who they don't remember? The guy who ended that streak. So let me ask you something. When you watched WrestleMania, were you happy to see the fans' faces, the disappointment and the sadness of those people who paid good money to come out and see perfection? But there you were as the advocate, rubbing salt, salt in the wound of every wrestling fan everywhere. They came out there to WrestleMania that day hoping to see magic, perfection. It was Christmas morning, they had that present, they opened it up, and they didn't get a puppy. You know what they got, you know what you gave them, you and the guy with the head and the shoulders and the dagger on the chest? You know what you gave them? Coal. Are you happy about that? What do you have to say about that?
 [to tune of "Battle Hymn of the Republic"] Glory, glory, Brock Lesnar
 Glory, glory, Brock Lesnar
 I guess we couldn't get David Letterman to host the show tonight.
 [As Jon Stewart runs into the Cena-Rollins match with a chair, between the two]
 What is Jon Stewart doing?
 Jon Stewart?
 He told Cena in the pre-show, "if you need any help, I'm there."
 Well, remember Stewart's had major issues with Rollins on his old Daily Show.
 Jon, don't do this. You cannot do this.
 Jon Stewart has no business being in there, none. It's a World Championship match, get him out of there!
 I can't believe this.
 Cena has no idea what's going on, he can't even see. [Jon rams Cena in the stomach with the chair] Oh, come on! What the hell did he do that for?!
 [Jon throws the chair at Seth's feet and scurries out of the ring. Seth hits the Pedigree on Cena]
 Jon Stewart, what have you done?!
 Pedigree on the chair! A Pedigree on the chair! [Rollins tosses the chair out and covers Cena] Rollins is gonna win the US Title! You gotta be kidding me!
 What did Jon Stewart do that for?!
 Not like this!
 [Chad Patton counts to three]
 Why would he do that?!
 Rollins has made history thanks to Jon Stewart!
 Seth Rollins!
 The hell did we just see?!
 The host of SummerSlam just helped Seth Rollins win!
 Seth Rollins, the first man to hold the United States Title and the WWE World Title, but what did we just see?
 Jon Stewart has gone from Daily Show host to SummerSlam criminal here tonight.
 Maybe SummerSlam hero; depends on your perspective, Michael.
 Oh, come on, that wasn't right and you know it, John.
 [Piper's Pit; Piper has Andre the Giant as his guest.]
 I'm not really that well acquainted with you. First of all Andre, here we have this week on Piper's Pit of course, Andre the Giant. Supposedly the biggest man in the world ever. It's a pleasure to have you. Where are you from Andre? (Andre doesn't respond) I'm sorry, do you speak English? Andre, where...do...you...come...from?
 None of your business!
 If the questions are too hard for you, I will try to bring them down for you so you can understand. Big body, little tiny weeny brain. I can understand that, that's very simple. Let's get down to facts. Is it true that John Studd himself took the largest man like yourself supposedly in the world and picked him up and slammed him? Is it not true that John Studd slammed you?
 Never.
 Are you telling me that John Studd never slammed you? Are you trying to tell me at 540 pounds, whatever you are, you cannot be slammed?
 Do you understand English or no? I told you that one time already.
 At 520 pounds, if I've given five minutes, I could slam you myself! I don't care, you say John Studd, at 520--
 [Andre rises from his seat, grabs Piper by the collar and tosses him around a bit.]
 You think you're tough?! Come on!! You ain't nothing! You ain't nothing! I'll tell you one thing right now! You want a fight Andre? You're going to find out one thing, you do not throw rocks at a man who's got a machine gun!
 [Piper's Pit; Rowdy Roddy Piper has Frank Williams as his guest.]
 Being the kind person that I am and I'm giving everyone a fair break, what I'm doing out of the kindness of my heart, I have a gentleman named Frank Williams. Frank Williams, first of all, I don't know where you come from.
 Columbus, Ohio.
 From Columbus, Ohio. I've wrestled in Columbus, Ohio. I've never lost a match in Columbus, Ohio. Have you ever lost a match?
 Yeah.
 You have. See, it seems odd to me when you're talking about fighting careers and a career like myself, I went on the premise of never having to lose a match. I've never lost a match in my whole career. I've had different things happen to me, but I've never actually lost a match because I figured once you were defeated one time that it would take that oomph away from you that you needed. Yourself, you are just the opposite. I have never seen you win a match in my whole career of watching you and I've seen you with tremendous fighters. I've seen what you've done, but you lack the guts, you lack the authority to go in there. You lack the guts and when you're against the ropes, you stand there instead of going after the man. You just back off of him, maybe a little cowardism. Maybe what you should do, maybe you should be making pizzas.
 (grabs mike) I'm not a coward of nobody! I'm not afraid of nobody! I'm always in that ring!
 Wait a second, wait a second! Just relax, relax. This is, this is verbal, this not physical. Pizzas or something like that.
 I said I'm not afraid of nobody. I'm always inside of ring no matter what and I don't run from nobody!
 You got no room for nobody. That's a wonderful thing. You got no room for nobody, but you're a lousy wrestler! It's as simple as that.
 I might be a lousy wrestler, but I'm still in there and I'm not afraid of nobody!
 [Piper starts beating up Williams]
 Piper hammering away! Oh no! Piper all over Frank Williams! Unbelievable!
 It's as simple as this! [beats up Williams some more and throws him to the back]
 Oh no! That's incredible!
 Just when they think they got the answers, I change the questions!
 Alright, standing by, a very unhappy Ted DiBiase. Mr. DiBiase, you're not very happy at all with the latest turn of events, are you?
 [with Stone Cold Steve Austin] No, I'm not happy at all, McMahon. To say that Savio Vega's victory last night was a fluke, is an understatement. I mean, the lights were out. Who knows how many times Savio Vega touched the turnbuckles. What I'm saying is, there's no way on his best day Savio Vega defeats Stone Cold Steve Austin...
 Well, you were counting on Savio being your chauffeur; that did not happen, and Savio Vega was victorious. Now, the rematch has been signed for tomorrow night, and again, it's going to be a Caribbean Strap match, and I would suggest that you still want Savio to...well, that provision, you still want to challenge him, do you?
 I want to sweeten the pie, McMahon.
 Sweeten the pie?
 Savio Vega, you keep that stipulation in there, 'cause you're gonna be my chauffeur. And I'll tell you what. I'm so confident that this man is gonna beat you tomorrow night that I'll put a stipulation in there. If Steve Austin, if Stone Cold Steve Austin doesn't beat you tomorrow night, Savio Vega, the "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase will forfeit his career! I will leave the World Wrestling Federation! Did you hear me, McMahon?! Did you hear me, Vega?! I will leave the World Wrestling Federation!
 In just a couple of minutes, I'm going to bring Big Daddy Cool, Diesel and Razor Ramon right out here. But before I do, I'd like to beg your indulgence for just a minute and tell you something I got on my mind. There's something I've been wanting to say for a long long time. And when I'm through telling you, many of you are going to question my loyalty to the World Wrestling Federation so let's clear that up right now. I have no loyalty to the World Wrestling Federation, I only got loyalty to good ol' J.R., and let me tell you why. In 1993, I left a great job in Atlanta, Georgia, and I left the Atlanta Falcons of the National Football League to go to the recognized leader of sports entertainment, the WWF. I came here to be the primary play-by-play man in the WWF. I don't think anybody here is going to disagree that I am the best play-by-play man in the whole damn business! So I show up for work the first day at WrestleMania IX in Las Vegas, Nevada, and they give me a sheet to wear. They said, "Oh it's going to be a toga. You'll look good in a toga, J.R." I leave the National Football League for a toga. It's crap! And then, ladies and gentlemen, I go to the first King of the Ring in Dayton, Ohio, and I guarantee you, you listen to that broadcast, I carried the broadcast from ringside. And then did you ever wonder where ol' J.R. went to? Why doesn't ol' J.R. do play-by-play anymore? Let me tell you why. Because the egotistical owner of the World Wrestling Federation—and you know who I'm talking about, I'm talking about Vince McMahon—couldn't stand the competition. So J.R. disappeared. And then on Super Bowl Sunday of 1994, I woke up with an affliction called Bell's Palsy, and my entire left side of my face looked like it had a stroke. You think I like that? You think I like that my left eye doesn't open all the way because I got sick? Well, let me tell you how warm-hearted Mr. McMahon is. Mr. McMahon called me into his office on February 11th, 1994, and he fired my ass! So I get back in my car and I drive into my home in that overpriced hellhole Connecticut, and I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to tell my wife and my two little girls that their daddy had just got fired. And so then, remember when McMahon got indicted? They needed somebody to come back and do Raw? They called up J.R. and then they let me go again. So finally they called me back, hired me back for fifty cents on the dollar to come back and work for the front office. Do you think that all these guys leaving the WWF was an accident? Hell no, it's not! You think all these guys coming here was an accident? Absolutely not, I've been very busy. And right now, I want to bring back one of your favorites. He's the Bad Guy, Razor Ramon!
 [Brian Pillman is being interviewed by Vince McMahon and Kevin Kelly at the Pillman house while Stone Cold Steve Austin is out looking for him]
 Notwithstanding the bravado, do you feel like a hostage? Do you feel like a hostage in your own home?
 16 meets [draws and slides pistol on camera to everybody's shock] Pillman nine-millimeter Glock...
 Oh my God, oh my God!
 ...I'm gonna blast his sorry ass straight to hell!!
 [Bret Hart comes into the ring at the start of the show]
 There's something I gotta say!
 What's he doing out here?
 There's something I gotta say to you! [Points at Vince] You know, when I decided to come back to the World Wrestling Federation, you promised me that I would get an opportunity to fight for the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. You put me in the ring with Stone Cold Steve Austin and said that if I could beat Stone Cold Steve Austin, that I would be the number one contender for the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. Now don't you think it's just a little bit convenient that for some stupid reason, Shawn Michaels finds himself out at ringside announcing in my World Championship match with Sycho Sid? I don't think it was any kind of a coincidence either. So Shawn Michaels jumps up and sticks his nose in my business and costs me the World Wrestling Federation Championship Belt with blatant interference. The Boy Toy costs me the championship and they go, "Oh that's okay. Don't worry about it, cause now you can go in the Royal Rumble and you only have to fight 29 other guys and then you'll get your opportunity for the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt." So I went in the ring, and it's very, very clear to me that I won the Royal Rumble and I should be getting a World Wrestling Federation Championship bout. Where is my opportunity? You know, the way I look at things right now, I've been screwed by Shawn Michaels the Boy Toy, I've been screwed by Stone Cold Steve Austin, I've been screwed by the World Wrestling Federation, and I've been screwed by you! (Vince) I don't like to make idle threats, but the way I see things, it doesn't look like I'm going to get my opportunity for a shot at the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. So I quit! (slams the microphone down.)
 You gonna get me a piece of equipment that works, son, or do I have to whip your ass? Bret Hart, you can sit there and bellyache and complain with the best of them, son. Ever since you came back, you ain't done nothing but cry! You sit there and talk about how Vince screwed you, how everybody screwed you, how I screwed you. The bottom line is, son, when the going gets tough, the Harts get going back home! Knock it off! Go on back to Canada, son, because the only person you can possibly beat is your wrinkled up old man in his little old basement. You talk about being jerked around, I've been jerked around for seven years, and then I get here. I'm supposed to face Sycho Sid tonight and some guy, a 350-pound buffoon that calls himself Gorilla Monsoon the commissioner says, "No, no. Sycho Sid is at home with a concussion." Sycho Sid may be at home with a concussion and an ice pack on his head, but he's also got a yellow stripe running right down the middle of his back. As far as Gorilla Monsoon goes, I got a big bunch of bananas and I can tell you where to stick each and every one of them. You want me to face The Undertaker, you can bring his dead ass out here, because I threw him over the top rope last night, and I'll do the exact same thing right now, so bring him out, I got something for him!
 [Vince is showing footage of the Final Four where Stone Cold Steve Austin inadvertently helped Bret Hart win the WWF Title, and later where he hit Bret with a steel chair, causing Sycho Sid to win the title the next night.]
 Your response? Do you show any remorse, whatsoever, for your actions?
 How many one-legged people can go 25 minutes with 3 of the top wrestlers in the world? NONE! Stone Cold Steve Austin went out there, and did just that! And I ain't making fun of no one-legged people, I'm sittin' here just tryin' to make a point. As far as I'm concerned, I truly am the World Wrestling Federation Champion, and can't nobody tell me different! Not you, or ANYBODY! As far as the Submission Match, it's a buncha bull! Bret Hart, he's supposed to be the big technician, the Sharpshooter. BIG DEAL! I don't know a whole lotta couple of submission moves, but it doesn't matter, because I'll beat the hell outta Bret Hart! And as far as Ken Shamrock says on TV the other day; "Oh, I don't know. Bret Hart's the better technician, but Stone Cold ain't got no quit in him." Well, you hit the nail right on the head, son, because I ain't got no quit in me at all! And you can bet your bottom dollar that Stone Cold ain't gonna look at the referee and say "I quit! I submit! I've had too much!" There ain't NOBODY... there ain't NOBODY in wrestling who can make me QUIT! And that's the bottom line, 'cuz Stone Cold SAYS SO!
 Why of all this... why are you so bitter? Why this bitterness?!
 You treat me like a dog, and you expect me to SMILE? You remind me of a jackass!
 [Bret Hart has just lost a WWF title cage match with Sycho Sid]
 We're back here ladies and gentlemen, a few more moments and Vince McMahon is going talk to a very, obviously a very consumate Bret Hart.
 Bret Hart, you've got to be terribly frustrated. Extremely frustrated over what has just happened.
 [Bret shoves Vince down and takes the mike]
 WHOA!!
 FRUSTRATED ISN'T THE GODDAMN WORD FOR IT!! THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!
 We apologize, ladies and gentlemen.
 You screwed me, everybody's screwed me and nobody does a goddamn thing about it! Nobody in the building cares, nobody in the dressing room cares, so much goddamn injustice around here, I've had it up to here!!
 We apologize ladies and gentlemen.
 Everybody knows it! I know it! Everybody knows it! I should be the World Wrestling Federation Champion!
 Get him out of the ring!
 Everybody just keeps turning a blind eye! You keep turning a blind eye to it! I got that Gorilla Monsoon, he turns a blind eye to it! Everybody in that goddamn dressing room knows that I am the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be!
 Cut him off!
 And if you don't like it, tough shit!!
 Conspiracy my ass Bret! All you want to do anytime you go in the ring is cry like a baby! I tried to go out there and help you and you threw it all away because you're a loser! It could have been you and me for the championship at WrestleMania, but you blew the whole damn thing because you're a loser! At WrestleMania, you will quit and one of these days when it's you and me for the title, you're looking at the next champ. AND THERE AIN'T NOTHIN' YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!
 (As Austin begins saying "At WrestleMania,...") You know why they call you Stone Cold? Because your stones are so cold, you won't come out here and step in the ring with me myself! You always got to jump me from behind! You haven't got the guts to come out here! Come on!! Everybody knows whether it's Sycho Sid, [Sid comes out] If you think for one second that that belt belongs to you, you are wrong! It is my belt. You know it, I know it and everybody in this building knows it!
 I don't know shit, crybaby!
 [as Bret Hart brawls with Steve Austin and Undertaker brawls with Sid]
 Bret Hart has snapped! Bret Hart thought for sure he would be the WWF champion and there's no conspiracy! Bret Hart, ladies and gentlemen is talking about a conspiracy. There is no conspiracy at all, only in his head and it's sad that a man as great as Bret Hart has resorted to this! This is not what we've talked about! This is not the legacy of Bret Hart! Not this! Not this bawling! Not this whining! Not this crying!
 [officials pull Bret away from Austin]
 You're right! He's snapped McMahon! He's lost it! Get him out of here, drag him out!
 [Bret nails Pat Patterson and goes back to Austin]
 OH HE JUST HIT, HE JUST HIT HALL OF FAMER PAT PATTERSON!! THAT DIRTY ROTTEN SON OF A...!!
 First of all, I wanna apologize. I'd like to apologize to all my fans over in Germany. I'd like to apologize to all my fans over in Great Britain. Actually, I like to apologize to all my fans all over Europe. All over Japan and the far east. I like to apologize to my fans in the middle east. All the way as far down as South Africa. And I especially like to apologize for all my great fans in Canada.
 And to you, my great fans across the United States of America...to you, I apologize for nothing! You know, it seems real strange to me that no matter how much I try that when I beat Stone Cold Steve Austin to a bloody pulp, I thought to myself, no matter how much I win, when I walked back to the dressing room. The way you American fans treat me across the United States of America, I feel like I lost. I mean I took a gutless creep like Stone Cold Steve Austin and beat him to a bloody pulp, even though he knows, and you all know that he lost, you cheer him on the way back to the dressing room like he won!
 You know it didn't just start right here. Let's go back to WrestleMania last year when I was the World Wrestling Federation Champion. When that belt was around my waist and where it belonged. You cheered on a pretty boy like Shawn Michaels and you allowed him to screw me out of the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. I found myself sitting at home watching the WWF on TV in Canada and saying to myself, "The World Wrestling Federation needs a hero, they need a role model. They need someone to look up to." Not somebody who has earrings all over himself and tattoos. Not somebody who poses for girly magazines. By the way, I don't think it was a girly magazine, I think it was a gay magazine! So I felt this calling to come back to set the record straight and clean up the World Wrestling Federation. So I came back in the Survivor Series and I beat Stone Cold Steve Austin there and I think I garnered a little bit of respect. Then I found myself stepping in the ring with Sycho Sid and your hero, your pride and joy Shawn Michaels costs me the World Wrestling Federation championship belt. Nobody cared! Nobody did anything about it! You people didn't do anything about it.
 They say "Oh, don't worry about that. You can get in line with 29 other guys and you can go in the Royal Rumble." So being the man that I am, I got no problem fighting 29 other guys. So I went in the Royal Rumble, and I won. I was the last legal man standing in the Royal Rumble. But again, everyone just turns their back on it. You somehow justify in your minds that Stone Cold Steve Austin won. You know, a better man would've quit. Maybe I should have quit and gone home.
 You did Bret, that's what you threatened.
 I got Gorilla Monsoon and Vince McMahon on their hands and knees begging me to come back. "Don't quit! Think of your fans." Well, I thought of my fans and I came back. And they come up with this idea for the Final Four. The winner of the Final Four will get a World Wrestling Federation title fight at WrestleMania 13. That sounds good to me. So I accept, I came back. Then all of a sudden, your champion, your hero, Shawn Michaels comes up with this life ending, career ending knee injury and he forfeits the title so he can go home and find his smile. But that's okay, you people think that that's just fine. I see people in the audience crying for that. You talk about me crying. So I go into the Final Four with the outcome now being that whoever wins the Final Four will now be the World Wrestling Federation Champion. And who won the Final Four? I did. Right in the middle of the ring, I defeated three other guys in one night. I defeated Vader, I defeated Stone Cold Steve Austin, and I defeated the Undertaker, and I became the World Wrestling Federation Champion for a fourth time. Then they come up to me and go "Well wait a minute! You don't get to rest even though you fought three other guys, even though you're beat up and sore. You got to go in the ring and fight 6 foot 9 Sycho Sid, and defend the title." Do you think I ran and hid? Do you think and found me forfeiting any titles? NO! I put the title on the line and I took Sycho Sid and I tied him in a big knot right in the middle of the ring. There he was in the Sharpshooter after being booed all the way through the match by my American wrestling fans, you somehow justify, only in America you can do this, Stone Cold Steve Austin climbs into the ring and whacks me in the back of the head with a chair. Somehow, you justify that that's okay, that's acceptable in America.
 So I ask, or as you see it, I cried to Gorilla Monsoon. I asked and I begged and I pleaded and I said "Give me Stone Cold Steve Austin. Give me a match with this guy who seems to be making my life a miserable hell." So I got Stone Cold Steve Austin and they agree to a match, a submission match. And then they go, "Wait, we have some even better news for you. We will give you Sycho Sid in a 15 foot high steel cage match and no one will be able to interfere in that and you will have your shot at the World Wrestling Federation championship belt because we respect you." Well in that match, outside interference played a big factor again and somehow for some reason, The Undertaker is out there and he finds himself slamming my head in the door and he costs me the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt for the 5th time.
 So I got one thing on my mind. After being screwed over by everybody in the World Wrestling Federation, after being abandoned by all you good fans right here in the United States of America, I decide that I'm going to go into this submission match with Stone Cold Steve Austin and give him every bit of what he deserves, just a good old fashioned ass whipping. And so when I do it, when I actually take that lousy stinking hyena Stone Cold Steve Austin and beat him to a bloody pulp. You somehow find it in your hearts to abandon me and cheer for him.
 You know, I've proven myself so many times in the World Wrestling Federation and I've tried to be everything that you wanted me to be that it seems to me that you don't understand. You don't understand what it means to have dignity, to have poise, to bring prestige to the World Wrestling Federation, to be a man that brings a little class. Because you rather cheer for heroes like Charles Manson and O.J Simpson. Nobody glorifies criminal conduct like the Americans do and all the countries around the world, they still respect what's right and what's wrong. Respect. Now that we made everything real clear with ourselves tonight, it's obvious to me that all you wrestling fans coast to coast, you don't respect me. Well the fact is, I don't respect you. You don't deserve it. So from here on in, the American wrestling fans coast to coast can KISS MY ASS!!
 [Shawn Michaels comes out to the ring]
 Yo, Hitman! Let's get one thing perfectly straight. You can come out here and say whatever you want about me. Everyone does. And you don't have to explain to me or the World Wrestling Federation that you would never give up the WWF title because no one knows better than me or the WWF that it takes a hand written note from the lord almighty to take that belt from you. But Bret, what you don't understand is just because I come out here and choose to live my life openly and freely instead of putting a facade like you does not make a you a better man Bret. I am well aware of my faults. I can admit them up and down the line. And as far as Steve Austin is concerned, Bret, I was there last night. He didn't give up, alright? Now I'm no fan of Steve Austin but he passed out and even you have to admit somewhere in there, there's gotta be some of the old Hit Man left, even you have to admit that he is one tough S.O.B. Now Bret, I have tried and tried and tried to take the high road and I am in no shape to wrestle and I know, you're tougher than me blahblahblah, whole thing. I admit that, that's fine. I don't have to be number one Bret. I don't obsess like you do. I do it because I like it. You do this because in your mind, marked man, you really think that all of this is yours! Now what you need to understand is that every time they reach into their pocket to watch you, me or anybody else is that they have the right to cheer or boo anybody that they want! Now, hey, you don't have to tell me "They're cheering me now." But they've booed me before. But you didn't see me getting all bent out of shape about it. You wanna know why Bret? It's because in this country, we something that's called the first amendment. And that amendment allows us to live our lives as we sit fit as long as it's causing harm to no one. If that guy there wants to stick a belly button piercing through his navel he can do it whether you like it or not! If that girl over there chooses to go out with someone you don't you approve of, "Tough kitty" said the kittie if she's going to do it! Now I'm going to get on my high and mighty roller coaster Bret. But you my friend, you gotta look at this, I'm in no shape to go. But if you want to go? What the hell? Let's go now.
 Don't tell me. Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels. Shawn is in no condition to wrestle here.
 Then what's he doing out there.
 Because he's got more guts than brains.
 Right.
 Do you know something? We've got a saying in the United States in American and it's called "America, Love it or Leave it!"
 Shawn Michaels, Boy Toy, I think you should go back to the dressing room, get the hell out of my face.
 You know me Bret, I'm not real good with authority. By the way, how did you know I was in that girly magazine? You couldn't help yourself could you? You had to flip through the pages just a little bit!
 [Bret attacks Shawn in the injured knee and puts him in the figure four around the ring post.]
 [Bret comes back out to do commentary during the Rocky Maivia/Leif Cassidy match-up]
 What has made you snap Bret Hart?
 I haven't snapped, I just opened my eyes.
 What?!
 I opened my eyes! Why don't you open yours? Everybody in this building, they sit here and they cheer on Stone Cold Steve Austin, all these guys that set no example for anybody anywhere. And they have the nerve to actually cheer these guys on? Undertaker, there's a great role model. You know, I've had it up to here and these people should open their eyes. I was the guy going to the ring every night wearing a white hat trying to be a good person. Trying to be someone they could look up to.
 [As Shawn Michaels is shown being carried to an ambulance.] There's a good person. Look what you just did, Shawn Michaels.
 Hey, I didn't ask him to come in the ring! I was trying to make a point and that is the point right there. Look at the screen, that is the point. I've had it up to here! Understand? Very simple.
 I think we do. But again, I don't understand the logic. I don't understand why you're throwing away your legacy! You're throwing it away! You're flushing your legacy down the toilet, Bret!
 I didn't flush any legacy down any toilet. My toilet was flushed by all these people right here in this building. Not just in this building, but any building that I've wrestled in in the last three or four months. The only place I went to where I got a little respect was in Germany or England. Everywhere else-- or Canada. But in the United States of America, little kids holding up signs going "(muted)" You know what? (muted)!
 It's almost as if you're at war with yourself.
 No I'm not at war. Hey I feel like I got a million pounds off my chest. You want to see bad? I'll show you bad. Bad is something you have never seen the likes of. You want to talk about wickedly bad? I'll show you wickedly bad! [runs into the ring and attacks Rocky Maivia]
 "Well, we're gonna have to go back a few years, Mr. McMahon. About 20 years to be exact. We're talking about a little funeral home, sitting up on a hill – beautiful old trees all around – and a wonderful, wonderful family-owned funeral home. The family lived upstairs. The father was a mortician who ran the funeral home. The mother was the secretary, the receptionist. But there were two little kids there. One kid was a little red headed punk. And then there was a second kid – a sweet little kid named Kane. Now I was the apprentice at the funeral home. I worked under the red headed punk's father, who by now you properly know as The Undertaker. The Undertaker's father was a mortician of excellence. He told me everything I know. He told me the correct way to prepare a body for burial, how to do the make-up, how to deal with the families. He told me from A to Z. But while I was working on the funeral home, I've seen a lot of things going on, that shouldn't been happening.
 This little red-headed punk, there was nothing funny about him. He had a look in his eye – the look of the devil! It was the devil's see if you know what I mean. What was so sad about the whole situation, is that poor little Kane, the little brother followed The Undertaker around everywhere he went. The Undertaker was little Kane's hero. Anything The Undertaker did was fine. It went on for about two years, my apprenticeship. I was at the college that night taking courses at Mortuary Science at the same time. The Undertaker and Kane would run around the funeral home like wild men. They had three reigning properties. They'd sneak out behind the garage. I'd see what they were doing. Their mom and daddy wouldn't see what they were doing but I saw what they were doing. I saw them, taking chemicals out of the embalming room in that funeral home. I saw them sneaking behind the garage, smoking cigarettes - when they were little kids.
 But you know, one particular afternoon I was leaving to go to school. As I backed my car out of the funeral home, I looked behind and who do I see? That red head devil-seen Undertaker with his little brother. Something wasn't funny – it ain't. Something didn't seem right. But I went ahead and to the drive way, went to school. I came back from school about ten o'clock that night. And what do I see? I see fire trucks. I see ambulance. I see steam and smoke and I see that funeral home in ashes. Someone burnt down the funeral home. Inside that funeral home was this lovely family that took care of me. I looked over to the bushes. Who did I see in the bushes but The Undertaker? Undertaker, you burnt the funeral home to the ground. And along with the funeral home, you killed your parents. You killed your family, Undertaker! I know it. I've had to stick that on my inside all my life – 20 years. You've killed them. Undertaker, you are a MURDERER! YOU ARE A MURDERER! YOU'RE A GOD-DAMN MURDERER!
 love it or leave it.’ Well, I’ve traveled all around the world, I’ve been all over the United States of America, and the one thing that I’ve in particular looked forward to is loving leaving it!
 [after Stone Cold Steve Austin defeats Hunter Hearst Helmsley thanks to interference from Mankind, whom Helmsley hit in the head with a steel chair. Austin grabs a microphone]
 This could be damning.
 I hope he doesn’t say anything to the Canadians.
 Get your ass up, you long-haired freak!
 He’s talking - he’s talking to, to Mankind.
 I don’t like you one bit! But I’ll damn sure go to war with you, if that’s what you want. All you gotta do is shake my hand, and we’re a tag team.
 Whoa!
 Well, I guess the man with the personality of a rattlesnake is softening a little bit.
 Finally Mankind gets what he wants!
 All Mankind ever wanted was to be accepted.
 [Mankind outstretches his arms]
 He don’t want a handshake, he wants a hug!
 [Mankind and Austin share a big hug]
 I can’t believe it. Another moment in the WWF. Mankind, now a partner - [suddenly Austin gives Mankind the Stone Cold Stunner] - oh!
 No! No! Not the Stunner! Damn him!
 DTA, you stupid piece of trash! Don’t ever trust nobody! You ain’t gonna be my partner, never, ‘cause you’re a long-haired freak, and you suck! [drops the microphone and raises his arms for the crowd]
 My! Can’t believe that!
 [Austin leaves the ring and walks up the ramp to the cheers of the crowd]
 Well, if you’d like to have a pet rattlesnake, I’ll give you Austin’s phone number!
 Thank you, no. This capacity crowd-
 Austin! Austin!! I was just looking for a little bit of respect. I was looking for a friend, and you’ve ruined that all!!
 Damn right!
 So it’s become very apparent, that drastic measures will be taken! Because, next week, well, I’m going to have to do something I never thought I’d do again. [Austin leaves] And it will become very obvious that the World Wrestling Federation will never be the same! Steve Austin, you will never be the same! And without a doubt next week, Mankind...will NEVER BE THE SAME!!! [whimpers]
 Well, I guess maybe that pretty much tells you something - a mixed reaction by this capacity crowd. And there is no doubt whether you did your job or you didn't do your job, but if it haven't had been for you, the Undertaker might still be the World Wrestling Federation Champion.
 So let me get this straight. You, the Undertaker, Bret "The Hitman" Hart and — the best that I can tell — all of the fans of the World Wrestling Federation are dumpin' this in my lap!
 I don't know if that's necessarily fair...
 Shut up! Because you know something? It's just like you, it's just like Bret Hart and whether anybody in this arena likes it or not, it's just like all the fans of the World Wrestling Federation to not take responsibility for themselves and pass the buck on to the Heartbreak Kid because everybody knows I don't give a damn what anybody thinks of me! Shut up!
 I went out there last night, for the first time in my career put on a referee's shirt and did one hell of a job. I called it down the middle. Right or wrong?
 Yes, you did.
 Exactly.
 May I ask you a pertinent question, please?
 Yeah, cough it up!
 Are you in any way in cahoots with Bret Hart? As preposterous as that may sound, a lot of people are wondering that.
 You know, I've always known you are a nimrod, but now you have convinced me that you are the dumbest sonofabitch I've ever met in my life.
 Well, first of all, I don't appreciate that. Let's get that straight, okay?
 Ooohh, shoot me while I shudder in my loafers, McMahon!
 Well you just might be shuddering come September 7, when you step into this ring with the Undertaker. That's when you gonna be shuddering! You can take this here.
 Get your ass out of here! [Vince leaves] You can move it or lose it, McMahon! Let me tell everybody what the story is. I am not in any way, shape or form in cahoots with Bret Hart. It is no secret that Bret Hart doesn't like me, Bret Hart doesn't respect me, but one thing is for damn sure, Bret Hart needs me! Because I am the only man in the World Wrestling Federation that has beat his ass! And that is the truth!
 And Undertaker... Undertaker, you and I, for as long as we've been in the World Wrestling Federation have never crossed paths. EXCEPT FOR NOW!
 [chanting] Michaels sucks!
 Oh, I'm gonna tell you people something. Undertaker, the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels lays down for absolutely no one! I don't do it for Bret Hart, I don't do it for you, I don't do it for the fans of the World Wrestling Federation, I don't do it for anybody. Undertaker, the next time you see Shawn Michaels, his Super...
 You suck!
 Ten years! Ten years I've given you, and this is the respect that you give me. Each and everyone of you can go to hell! Undertaker, the next time you'll see me, my Superkick is gonna be one foot down your throat!
 Steve, I want to thank you for allowing us to come to your hotel room here, I know you've got a very busy and a very crucial 24-hour period here in Philadelphia, seeing a specialist tomorrow about your neck, but thanks for giving us a little of your time.
 Well you're welcome for the time, but if you're here to ask a bunch of questions, you might as well start asking, otherwise I'll throw your ass out the window. And to come to the hotel room, this ain't a hotel room that I would stay at! You know, when I got hurt at SummerSlam, when I got dumped on my head, no one called me and said, "Hey, Steve, you okay?" No one ever sent a card, nothin' like that. Not that I would expect it, but at least I would have, you know, maybe a call just to see what the hell's goin' on with the hottest damn wrestler in the world, but I got nothin'! So the WWF sees fit to put me in a room like this, with all this fruit and trash like this, you want a pear? [Starts tossing fruit at Jim Ross] You want an apple? You want a banana or somethin'? Here, make yourself at home, man! [Austin tosses the entire fruit basket at Ross] But if you got questions to ask, you go ahead and ask 'em, 'cause I'm gettin' a little tired of you!
 I'd like you to address three things, if you don't mind.
 Sure.
 One is SummerSlam, your paralysis after being driven in the mat from the Tombstone by Owen Hart; the second thing is what the doctors have told you; and thirdly, and lastly, what you perceive your future to be here in the WWF.
 Well, let's start with SummerSlam. The bottom line is I'm the Intercontinental Champion. Right?
 Right.
 Well, that's that. But aside from that, at the end of the match, close to the end of the match when Owen Hart dumped me on my head - you figure I weight 245, 250, bam, you get planted in the mat, shit happens! And that's, for basically about 50 seconds there, I couldn't move my arms or my legs, and I didn't know if I ever would move again! It felt pretty damn scary, so, um, you know, I'm through with that, looking past that, I've watched that on tape probably 30 or 40 times and it still sucks every time I see it! But I'm over it, and I'm movin' around, and I'm happy about that! But Owen Hart has got hell to pay! You get dumped on your head, you get in the position that I was put in, it ain't worth a damn. And I, I'm just, uh, a little bit pissed off No, I'm not a little pissed off, I'm a whole lot pissed off, but you know what they say, it's better to be pissed off than pissed on. But Owen Hart's got hell to pay when I come back, and as you say, you've got another question, what was the other question?
 The doctors, you've seen several doctors...
 I've seen a couple of doctors, and one guy said, uh, uh, "Maybe you should do something else." Well, Steve Austin doesn't do anything else, what I do is wrestle, and I'm the best wrestler in the world, and can't nobody tell me different! So I'm supposed to see the top guy, uh, the top spine guy in the country tomorrow here in Philadelphia, and see what he has to say, and it doesn't matter really what he says, the end result, the decision's mine! He can sit there and say, "Don't do this, try not to do this," whatever, but the bottom line is I'm the one that makes the decision, so I'll sit there, rethink things, and go from there. But regardless of what he says, Owen Hart's got hell to pay! You know, when you do something to...when you do what he did to me, you know, if it's my last step in life, you can damn well bet he's gonna get the shit kicked out of him one way or the other, and that's it. You know, I don't know when, where or how, or what, but it's gonna happen.
 As far as my future - don't sit there and try to butt in because I'm talkin', right? Okay, as far as my future goes, hell, like I said, I'll listen to what the doctor says, but I'm gonna do what I want. The future for Steve Austin, as far as I'm concerned, is to put on his black trunks and black boots and show up. Im'ma take a few days off, I'll probably take a few weeks off, because, you know, when you're sittin' there at the house, you watch a film of, uh, you gettin' paralyzed for another 50 seconds, you watch that 30 or 40 times, you know, it kinda, you get a little depressed! So I drank a few cases of beer, I'll tell you exactly what I did. I just ride around in my Ford, drink a few beers and sit there and think about it. But, uh, I'm gonna go see this doctor and see what he has to say, and, but as far as I'm concerned, the only way I can see my future is to be Stone Cold Steve Austin, continue on right through the top in the WWF, just like I've done since I've been here! All the damn bureaucratic red tape, all the bullshit I've been through, it's taken me eight years to get where I'm at right now! If you think for one split second that a piledriver's gonna stop me, it ain't gonna happen. Did it slow me down? Damn right, but it ain't gonna stop me. Ground Zero, Sub-Zero, whatever the hell you wanna call it, Louisville, I'll be there! Whether it's to hand the belt over, if I decide maybe it's time to hang it up, I'll do that! I don't think that's gonna happen. I think when, uh, Ground Zero rolls around, you'll see Stone Cold - don't wipe your nose, it pisses me off - you'll see Stone Cold Steve Austin - and don't smile - you'll see Stone Cold Steve Austin in a black pair of trunks and a black pair of boots, and I'll be out there whippin' somebody's ass! I don't know what kind of match it is, it's some kind of little, uh, four tag teams of some kind of shit like that, is that right?
 That's right.
 Okay, well, I'll be there! And... what gets me is, is that Steve Austin's in a new level now, because, you know, if,if I was pissed off before, I'm a lot more pissed off now, and that makes me even more dangerous, not a liability, and that's the bottom line! You got anything else you wanna say?
 No sir.
 Then get the hell out.
 [Before the police arrest Austin, Vince comes into the ring]
 What’s the matter with you?! Get ahold of yourself!
 Arrest him!
 [To the police] Just give me a minute. Just give me a minute! [To Austin] What is the matter with you? You had to forfeit the Intercontinental title, the Tag Team title, of course everybody can understand why you’re upset. I can understand you being upset not being able to compete, I can understand that. But don’t break the law!
 He already did...look at this!
 Stone Cold's not gonna win this fight with New York City's finest.
 Don't you understand? Don’t you understand why you’re not allowed to compete? Can’t you get that through your head? Don’t you know why? Don’t you know that you’re not physically able to compete? Your doctors say you’re not ready. If you compete, you could injure yourself for good! You could wind up paralyzed! And the WWF is not gonna stand by and let you do that to yourself. These people don’t want you to wind up in a wheelchair! They wanna see you compete. Everybody wants to see you compete. But in due time, Steve. In due time. [Austin looks at his watch]
 Listen to McMahon, get the violins.
 Get ahold of yourself.
 He's telling the truth. Makes all the sense in the world.
 [indicating the cops] He'd better be talking to those guys over there. I say put him in the slammer!
 Listen, don’t you know people care? In the World Wrestling Federation, we care. They care, they care about you, that’s all it is. And you just gotta go with it. In other words, you simply, you gotta work within the system. That’s all you gotta do, is just work within the system.
 You know as well as I do that this is what I do for a livin’. This is all that I do, and can’t nobody tell I ain’t the best in the damn world. Don’t even say nothin’. Don’t say nothin’. You sit here and tell me to work within the system. You ain’t the one sittin’ on your ass in the house like I am. But if that’s what it takes to make you or the World Wrestling Federation happy, hell, I feel like Cool Hand Luke. I’ll work within your stupid little system.
 That's all that these people a—
 I appreciate the fact that you and the World Wrestling Federation care. And I also appreciate the fact...that, hell, you can kiss my ass!
 [Austin kicks McMahon in the gut and Stuns him]
 Oh, God! Oh my God!
 Put him in jail! Put him in jail right now!
 Owww, have mercy! Hunter and especially your finer Chyna, I know what you must be thinking. 'Dude, what are you doing back here, when you should be out there kicking some heavy duty booty all over the garden?' Hunter, my man, I do believe it's time we had a little rap, oh-ho. Because you see, Falls Count Anywhere ain't exactly my bag, baby. The pinfalls in the hot dog stands, the pinfalls in the street, the chairs, the tables, it's not exactly a Love thing. But I know somebody, baby, who's bag it indeed is. He's my man, he's my main man, you might even say, well daddy, he's a kind man. A kooky type of cat, let's bring him out right now.
 [Mankind's music plays as Mankind walks into the picture]
 Mankind, my main mandible- up high big man, down low- Owww, you're too slow. Mankind, good to have you at the Love Shack.
 Hey, Dude. Thanks for having me here.
 The pleasure's all mine.
 You really are eye candy for the chicks, Dude.
 Falls Count Anywhere.
 Dude, as much as I've dreamed about destroying Hunter Hearst Helmsley...
 I know you have.
 ...as many horrible things as I'd like to do to him...
 I know you can.
 I know someone who dreams about it even more.
 Oh no, are you thinking what I think you're thinking?
 I think I am thinking what you think I think you're thinking.
 Can you bring him out, Manny?
 Here he comes.
 Where is he?
 CACTUS JACK... IS BACK!
 [Cactus Jack walks into the picture carrying a trash can]
 Somebody spank me, I thought he was dead!
 He's alive. HE'S ALIVE!
 Don't blink. It may be the darkest day of your life, because it's Madison Square Garden, and Mrs. Foley's baby boy...is coming home. BANG BANG!
 Have a nice day!
 Owww, have mercy!
 [Paul Bearer is at the ring with Kane, who just trashed the Hardy Boyz]
 Now that I have your undivided attention— Yes, laugh at the fat man. Go ahead! Here's your chance. Go ahead and laugh at me. Stand up, call me names, do what you wanna do. Here's your chance. The one you should be laughing at is your so-called phenom. The one you should be laughing at is your hero, The Undertaker. The proof is here. I tried to go back to The Undertaker, he wouldn't take me back. I had to do what I had to do. He slapped me around, he called me a liar. He burned me! Burned!
 Kane! Look close, Undertaker. The whole world saw your face last night, when you stood for the first time in twenty years face-to-face with your own brother. We can all tell by the look in your eyes that you knew it was him. Yes, oh yes, he's alive. Look at his eye, Undertaker. He's missing an eye. And it's your fault! The 20 years of suffering, the 20 years of hiding-out is now over. And we have you to thank, Undertaker.
 Undertaker, this is your Stop sign on your highway to eternity. Starting with these boys tonight, we are gonna walk through the World Wrestling Federation, take each one, each wrestler, one by one and destroy them. Until we reach you! You, Undertaker. That is why Kane is here. And we have you to thank. Every time you look around, you're going to see your brother behind you. Every time you close your eyes to go to sleep, you're going to remember that terrible night. The fire! Oh yes, the fire. Undertaker, welcome to your worst nightmare.
 [waiting for footage from Badd Blood] Now I know we don't have any brain surgeons in that truck, but this is a television studio per se. Do you think, Vince McMahon, you could get one of those idiots in your truck to send out my performance at Badd Blood? [Footage appears on TitanTron...] All right, here we go... [...not of Badd Blood, but of the curtain call incident.] Whoa. Wait a minute!
 [both feigning shock] Oh my God, what is that?
 That's not Badd Blood, that's...
 That's Madison Square Garden!
 That's May 19th, Madison Square Garden!
 That's you, Shawn!
 And that's...that's...that's Razor!
 And Big Daddy Cool Diesel!
 But who's that...that's you, Triple H! Wait a minute! Hey, you were a bad guy, I was a good guy!
 What is this?
 You were a good guy, I was a bad guy!
 What were you doing in there? That's...wait a minute! Wait a minute...that was supposed to be Vince McMahon's biggest day—the first time Madison Square Garden had been sold...aw, it's off the screen. Oh, Vin-man, what's the matter? That subject's still a little too sensitive for you, big man. [Both get out of ring and approach Vince at announcers' desk] Vinnie Mac, what's the matter? Come on, what's the matter? Is your dad rolling over in his grave? The family traditions in the McMahon...has it come to an end because me and my buddies made an ass out of ya? Come on, you were an ass long before I made one out of ya!
 This is Jim Cornette, and the views that I'm about to express are not necessarily those of anybody else but me. But they oughta be. And as a matter of fact, they probably are.
 You know, a lot of things in the wrestling world make me cranky these days, especially the way some talent is treated and some talent is looked at by not only the promoters, but the wrestling fans as well. For example, a man like Arn Anderson who just had to retire from this sport, after giving it his entire life, because of an injury that he suffered; a guy like "Nature Boy" Ric Flair, who in my opinion, is one of the greatest talents in the history of this business; guys like Mankind, Cactus Jack, Dude Love, whatever you want to call him. Great talents in the WWF or WCW.
 But who gets a lot of the attention, from the wrestling fans especially? Guys like the NWO, the New World Order. You know, all the fans think these guys are so cool and so sweeeeet, and so funny. Well, as far as I'm concerned, the NWO is like a bunch of guys meeting out in the backyard in a clubhouse in a tree. They're guys who, all they have to do... They got the easiest job in the world... All they have to do is go out there and be themselves—childish, obnoxious, adolescent guys with a case of severe arrested emotional development, and a fixation on trying to act macho.
 You got a guy like Kevin Nash, 40 years old, trying to act like a teenager. Far as I'm concerned, the biggest no-talent in the business. He's got six moves, no mobility, and enough timing to cover up for some of it. But what he does is he goes around and he manipulates. Kevin Nash had a multi-million dollar promotional company, the WWF, push him to the moon to make him a star, and then what does he do? He leaves—after he gives his word he's staying, so by the way, he's a liar, too—he leaves and he goes to WCW for a big contract. Why? More on that later.
 You got a guy like Scott Hall, who's a good wrestler, but "good" is about it. He's the best of the bunch. But he had the same million dollar promotional company make him a star, after he'd been in the business 10 years without putting three asses in a seat. And what does he do? He goes to WCW for a big contract. Why? More on that later.
 And then you got a guy... Syxx, 1-2-3 Kid, his name's Sean Waltman. Whatever you want to call him. As far as I'm concerned, the only reason that he's employed is because the other guys think that he's funny when he gets drunk and throws up on himself. He has the distinction, in case you haven't noticed, of being the only guy since this "wrestling war" got started, that was released from a valid contract from one company to go to the other side, which shows you how valuable he is.
 You know why they're all employed? Why they're all in the spot they are today? Because of Eric Bischoff. The boss of WCW, not the NWO. Look at the credits on their PPV if you can get one for free! The idiot's name is on it! He's the boss of WCW, he works for Ted Turner, and he throws a billionaire's money around, just like water, so he can have guys that he likes to hang out with.
 Because, even more than being a mark—yeah, for his own face and his own voice—Eric Bischoff is a guy who's a big fan of hanging around studly guys with long hair and beards, that smoke cigars, and ride Harleys. So that some of that can rub off on his little pansy-ass frame. So he takes that billionaire's money, and he throws that around like water to buy guys that he can hang around, to prove that his johnson is bigger than everybody else's. And that's the sole reason the NWO guys are employed.
 I think, me personally, that it's about time that the wrestling fans and the promoters, all of them in this business, start recognizing guys like "Nature Boy" Ric Flair, like Arn Anderson, like Cactus Jack. Guys who bust their ass, who work hard, and have ability and have talent to get where they are, instead of a bunch of guys that get to their spot by hanging around with the boss and sucking up. I'm Jim Cornette, and that's my opinion.
 [to Shawn and Hunter on the TitanTron] Why don't you two degenerates come down here right now and step in the ring with me right now? Either one of you, I don't care! Either one of you, right now!
 Is he challenging me?
 Is he challenging us?
 Now regularly, regularly I would take him up on his challenge. But you know why I'm not gonna? You know why I'm not gonna? I'll tell you why. Because the last time I took him up on a challenge was WrestleMania, and I beat his ass for that stupid piece of tin he's got on his shoulder; and at Survivor Series, I'm gonna take that stupid piece of tin you got on your shoulder once again. I've beaten you, I've beaten your brother, I've beat both your brother-in-laws, and I'll beat up your whole family if you get in my face one more time.
 And as far as I'm concerned, Bret Hart, you want a piece of me, huh?! [Shawn holds him back] You want a piece of me?! Come on! I'll take you on, Hitman! I'll give you the worst beating of your life! Hey, wait a second. I did that last week. I did that last week, Hitman! So never mind, I don't need to do it twice! I already did it!
 I tell you, I took so many shots to my head, I almost forgot how bad we beat him up last week. Hitman, I got news for you. Sometime during this show, we are gonna cross paths. And you talk about us being degenerates. You know what, I'm tired of Generation X getting a bad rap.
 Do you think you're a degenerate?
 Well, do you think you're a degenerate?
 Well, I mean...
 I mean, I'm positive I'm one.
 I guess I'd have to be one then.
 Well you know what? Generation X always gets a bad rap, everybody calls us degenerates. Degeneration X, is that us? Degeneration X—Triple H, HBK, Chyna, Ravishing Rick. We are Degeneration X—you make the rules, and we...will...break 'em!
 I'm Jim Cornette, and the views I'm about to express are my own, but as you'll see, they may be yours, too.
 There's a man named Phil Mushnick who writes columns for the New York Post and for TV Guide. You probably never heard of Mr. Mushnick, but you should because he's had some pretty nasty things to say about you. You see, Phil Mushnick hates pro wrestling and he's not content just to change the channel. He doesn't want you be able to watch it, either. Not the WWF, WCW, ECW, nothing.
 And for the past several years, Mushnick has led a one-man campaign to have the wrestling industry abolished. Recently, when Ted Turner donated one billion dollars to charity, Mr. Mushnick said "the world would be better served if he closed up WCW." Phil Mushnick is the man who called for and spearheaded the media and publicity barrage over the federal indictment of Vince McMahon and the WWF on steroid charges. And even though McMahon and the WWF were proven totally innocent in a federal courtroom, Mushnick ignores that fact to this very day and writes his columns as if it were a fact that they were proven guilty just so he can continue his one-man crusade. He even wrote a column one time about the Madison Square Garden Network firing Marv Albert, saying that the Garden should cancel wrestling matches, too.
 "If not for America's lunatic fringe and the disaffected, WCW would be out of business. If you can tell me that you would bring an important child in your life to a pro wrestling match, I have no gripe with you because you clearly don't know right from wrong. And the overwhelming majority of the wrestling fans who contact me simply prove my point by flooding my mailbox with profanities, obscenities, and other acts that show them to be a disenfranchised sub-culture."
 Well, Mr. Mushnick, I'm a wrestling fan and a lot of the people who read the New York Post and TV Guide are wrestling fans, too. And we don't enjoy being insulted by publications we pay money to read. We don't appreciate being told we don't know how to parent our children! We don't want a pompous, self-righteous man with a grudge sitting on top of Mount Olympus looking down his nose at us campaigning to take away the constitutional right that every American is guaranteed, to freedom of speech, freedom of choice, and freedom to enjoy whatever entertainment we choose! Those are facts, Mr. Mushnick, not rumors, not suppositions, but facts. You oughta try to deal in them sometime. And I think it's time that the millions of people you belittle as subhuman every chance you get tell the New York Post and TV Guide what they think of ya.
 "The problem is the mainstream media don't look hard enough at pro wrestling. Imagine if middle-aged pro baseball players dropped dead on a regular basis, this would be page one stuff, and a federal inquiry would be launched."
 [At this point, Cornette is seething with anger.]
 Well, Brian Pillman was a friend of mine. From the time he was born with throat cancer, he had the courage to undergo 36 different throat operations. He had the courage to withstand the punishment of pro football and ten years as a pro wrestler. He had the courage to come back from a car wreck that shattered his ankle, and from a lot of other personal tragedies. And then one night, he went to sleep in a hotel room and he died. And for you, Phil Mushnick, to use his death as an excuse for another call to action in your one-man vendetta against pro wrestling is more vulgar and more obscene than anything that you've ever falsely accused the wrestling industry of being guilty of! So on behalf of the wrestling fans, the wrestling industry, the friends and family of Brian Pillman, and anyone in this country that denies any one man the right to force his morals and his beliefs on all of us and to take away our constitutional rights, on behalf of those people, I say go to hell, Phil Mushnick! And try to reform things down there because we're doing just fine without you!
 I'm Jim Cornette, and that's my opinion.
 I'm Jim Cornette. I'm just wondering if there's any people that are sick and tired as I am to be the icon of wrestling. Hulk Hogan and Roddy Piper claim to be the icon, Shawn Michaels is the icon that can still go, Bret Hart would claim to be the icon if he wasn't too busy crying about being screwed, and Randy Savage is still "Thinkin', Thinkin'!" Well, Shawn Michaels is still the single most talented athlete inside the ring, but outside he's an adolescent obnoxious jerk who takes the tights and goes home if he doesn't get his way. Bret Hart is one of the greatest wrestlers of all time, but if he'd have been screwed as many times as he claims, he'd have struck oil by now. And Randy Savage is a legend, but let's face it, how many records did Frank Sinatra sell last year? But the pinnacle of this icon garbage came at last night's cage match between Hulk Hogan and Roddy Piper to determine—in their minds only—who the real icon is. WCW had the gall to say that this is the greatest cage match in history when it was the greatest in three weeks since Hell in a Cell. But here, you've got a 46-year-old, bald-headed movie star wannabe who looks like Uncle Creepy with a good build, taking on a guy with an artificial hip that hasn't wrestled a full schedule in ten years. It's a tribute to the massive egotism in my mind of both men and an indictment of WCW's promotional policies that this match took place, much less being in the main event when the card was probably the best that WCW was capable of having. By the ten minute mark, they were sucking wind so bad, the first three rows passed out of oxygen deprivation. Would've been funny if it wasn't sad. Well, I'm sick and damn tired of hearing guys claim to be the icon, especially when it used to come from guys who usually didn't know when to quit. Roddy Piper was my idol when I was a teenager, but that was 20 years ago. Hulk Hogan, during his best years, was 50% media recreation, and those days are long gone. This match was a slap in the face to every wrestler that takes pride in his profession, and in my mind, no one man is bigger in this sport. But if there is an icon, it would be a man who has great ability inside the ring, and professionalism and maturity outside of it. Let's leave all the petty backstabbing "I make more money than you," BS with the hat check girl and let's concentrate on talent and attitude. The Undertaker, Ric Flair and Steve Austin have never claimed to be icons, which means that they are big candidates to be just that. And on a personal note to Hulk Hogan, you are a household word, but so is garbage and it stinks when it gets old too. I'm Jim Cornette, and that's my opinion.
 Let's cut right to the chase here. Seven days ago at the Survivor Series, did you, or did you not, screw Bret Hart?
 Some would say I screwed Bret Hart; Bret Hart would definitely tell you I screwed him. I look at it from a different standpoint. I look at it from the standpoint of the referee did not screw Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels certainly did not screw Bret Hart, nor did Vince McMahon screw Bret Hart. I truly believe that Bret Hart screwed Bret Hart, and he can look in the mirror and know that.
 I'm sure in some parts of the country right now, there's a collective groan that you're not accepting responsibility, that you orchestrated the situation, and the fact that there are people not gonna understand what you mean by, "Bret Hart screwed Bret Hart," so what do you mean by that?
 Well, I will certainly take responsibility for any decision I've ever made; I've never had a problem doing that. Not that all of my decisions are accurate—they're not—but when I make a bad decision, I'm not above saying I'm sorry and trying to do the best about it that I can. Hopefully, the batting average is pretty good—I make more good decisions than I do bad decisions. And as far as screwing Bret Hart is concerned, there's a time-honored tradition in the wrestling business that when someone is leaving, that they show the right amount of respect to the WWF superstars, in this case, who helped make you that superstar. You show the proper respect to the organization that helped you become who you are today. It's a time-honored tradition, and Bret Hart didn't wanna honor that tradition, and that's something I never, ever would've expected from Bret because he is known as somewhat of a traditionalist in this business. It would've never crossed my mind that Bret would not have wanted to show the right amount of respect to the superstar who helped make him and the organization who helped make him what he is today. Nonetheless, that was Bret's decision. Bret screwed Bret.
 Some folks along the Internet know that, in 1996, Bret signed a 20-year contract with the WWF. Then I'm sure there are some at home now, some folks are saying, "well, how could Bret Hart be...he's got 18 years left on the contract. How can he leave?" Did Bret Hart ask you to leave the WWF, or did you ask him to leave the WWF?
 This was a joint decision and it vacillated somewhat as well. It was a joint decision from both Bret and me. And ultimately what happened was the two of us got together and orchestrated the opportunity for Ted Turner's wrestling organization to quote, "steal," Bret. I felt that, for business reasons, that Bret Hart and the salary we were paying him was not justified. And Bret felt that for creative reasons and the fact that he had become sort of second banana in his own mind to Shawn Michaels who had, quote, "stolen his spot." So for financial reasons on my part, and creative reasons on Bret Hart's part, the two of us got together and decided, "okay, let's do the very best we can for you, Bret." So the two of us orchestrated Bret Hart receiving a three-year deal, in which he is paid $3 million a year, which I believe is the richest deal in all of professional wrestling, and that's for working 125 days a year. So I felt from a personal standpoint that if Bret wasn't a great investment any longer for the WWF, although I really didn't want him to go, but nonetheless, that the least I could do for Bret is to help him help himself. And I told Bret, "Bret, if you in fact get this deal from Turner, I am going to be the first person personally to congratulate you." And I was. From a business standpoint, I didn't really want to lose Bret. He wasn't paying off from a financial standpoint, but nonetheless, I really didn't want to lose Bret.
 Certainly, the bitterness of the loss at the Survivor Series could never be more prevalent. He stands in the ring and spits in your face. Shortly thereafter, he is destroying WWF television equipment. Were you prepared for what happened after the match?
 I was disappointed in Bret when he hit me. Very disappointed. Um, I sustained a concussion, as a result of it, with vision problems to this day. I'll get over it. I didn't think it was the right thing to do. Bret seems to be crowing about that, that I've read, where, you know, he feels proud of striking me. And it wasn't a question of a confrontation because even at 52 years old, I dare say that perhaps things would have been a little different if there was a confrontation. I allowed Bret to strike me, I had hoped that he wouldn't. I had hoped that we could sit down and try and work things out as gentlemen. That's what I had really hoped for. But that's not what happened.
 Have you considered pressing charges or perusing legal remedies for that situation in his locker room?
 I have considered it. I think those options are still available. I'm not pursuing it at the moment. I guess it all depends on Bret as to whether or not I do.
 If you were only a story writer, and the Survivor Series was the final chapter in the story of Bret Hart, the WWF years, how would have preferred to write the final chapter?
 As a storyteller, I would have hoped that Bret's story would be a dramatic one. I would hope that Bret's story would be one that would give him dignity, that would give him the poise to state that, "I was, maybe, the greatest WWF Superstar ever," in terms of his departure. And one way of being able to give back to the company, being able to give back to those individuals, those superstars, who helped you achieve the level of success that you have, when you know that you are leaving in a time-honored tradition, might have been, for argument's sake, that after the most grueling match that Bret ever had in his life, that Bret was pinned. But in that small moment of defeat, Bret would have stood straight up and shown the whole world what a true champion, both as a human being and a wrestling persona, he really is. And if I had been Bret, if I were writing the story, I can see Bret, after a 1-2-3, simply saying, "Okay," to his opponent, "you got the best of me. I want to congratulate you. I want to stick my hand out and congratulate you. And furthermore, I want everyone in the whole locker room to watch my match, so that I can show, for those who follow in my footsteps, the way in a time-honored tradition, this is to be done. To show every individual, every secretary, everyone in Titan Sports, the WWF, who counts on me to do the right thing, that I was there, that I was a Superstar, maybe the greatest of ever. And I went out the way a true champion would go out."
 Are you able to step back and objectively look at this thing and evaluate your friend, your perhaps former friend Bret Hart, the human being, and have sympathy for this man?
 Sympathy? I have no sympathy for Bret whatsoever. None. I have no sympathy for someone who is supposed to be a wrestling traditionalist, not doing the right thing for the business that made him, not doing the right thing for the fans and the performers and the organization who helped make him what he is today. Bret made a very, very selfish decision. Bret's gonna have to live with that for the rest of his life. Bret screwed Bret. I have no sympathy whatsoever for Bret.
 This is a crazy question. Would you welcome Bret Hart back? If he said, "you know Vince, I've changed my mind. Can I come back?" Would you allow him to return to the WWF? I mean, he spit in your face, notwithstanding destroying television monitors & equipment, certainly notwithstanding the fact that he punched you. Would you allow him to ever come back to the WWF if that was an option?
 This is a strange business, and yes, I would. We would have to have a real frank understanding. I would want to hear Bret say, "Vince, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be selfish, I just kind of lost it there for a while." And I have no problem saying, "Bret, jeez, I'm sorry that I had to do what I had to do as well." Would I welcome him back? I also would tell Bret no more free shots. I would want that strictly from a man's standpoint, I'd want him to know that. And in the future if we're going to have problems along those lines, in the locker room or anywhere else, okay, we're going to have them, but no more free shots. Yeah. If Bret could tear up his contract with the other guys right now and return, I'd welcome Bret back under those conditions.
 Was his motivation...do you believe his motivations then, primarily? He said he didn't leave here for the money.
 There were signs in the arena following Survivor Series, "Bret sold out." Bret seems to be sensitive to that subject, that he doesn't want to be known as someone who sold out. I'm proud of the fact that I helped Bret sell out. And that's what Bret did, he sold out. And it's not a big deal because I helped him do it. So, do I think that Bret left for the money? I think that when your making $3 million a year, and you're working 125 days of that year, I think Bret sold out, and I don't blame him for selling out. I helped him sell out. Matter of fact, I would suggest there could be a long line outside the next locker room with wrestlers begging me, "Vince, help me sell out." So, do I think he sold out? Yeah, and I think that every time Bret says, "No, I didn't do it for the money," I think that Bret loses credibility every time he says that.
 Did this whole ugly ordeal with Bret Hart affect you more professionally, the businessman side of Vince McMahon, or the personal side of Vince McMahon?
 From the business side, the WWF will go on beyond Bret Hart. From the personal side, it definitely has affected me. I think that Bret and I...you can't end a 14-year relationship like was ended without having feelings. I regret that I felt that I was forced into making the decision that I made. I regret that Bret didn't do the right thing for the business and for himself, because it wouldn't have cost him one dollar less with his deal with Turner. I regret that his fans, if there is such a thing separate from WWF fans, are in any way hurt by any of this. I regret that his family is enduring...having to endure this tirade that Bret seems to be on. I regret that a member of my family, my son, had to witness some of this, especially in the locker room. I regret all of that, from a personal standpoint, yet steadfast remain that I made a tough decision, but it was the right decision for the WWF fans and the WWF superstars that remain here loyal to us.
 If you had the opportunity to speak with Bret, and now's not a bad opportunity, because you know he watching. Everybody involved in this situation is watching this right now. What would you say to him now?
 Probably what I said to him in the locker room, and that is that he made a mistake, that I believe he'll regret from a professional standpoint, didn't have to be made that way. I felt I had to do what I had to do for my company, and our fans, and our superstars that remain here. And I'm unwavering in that point of view, and perhaps Bret is unwavering in his point of view. I don't know that we'll ever get together, I hope we will one day. It's too bad that a 14-year relationship was destroyed because one member of that relationship forgot that we're in the sports-entertainment business. Forgot where he came from.
 When will you be over this?
 I'm over it now. At the same time, Bret has been such a part of the WWF. Bret will always...a part of Bret will always be here in the World Wrestling Federation, and I'm going to remember the good times. I'm going to remember all the things that we did with Bret, which he performed to his greatest degree possible, and told those wonderful stories. I'm going to remember Bret as the Excellence of Execution. It's just too damn bad that in the end, Bret really wasn't "the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be." And he had that opportunity to live up to that in his final match in the WWF, and he failed.
 This could be a P.J. Carlesimo situation.
 Who?
 Owen Hart, I know you are here tonight. You've been spotted. Owen Hart, I know you can hear my voice, wherever you may be in this arena. And I must inform you that you've been endangering indeed the safety certainly of our ringside fans with your antics as of late.
 McMahon's turning into Fire Marshall Bill with all this "fan safety" business.
 You are still under contract to the World Wrestling Federation. And as such, I'm ordering you to appear in this ring, right now. [Owen Hart walks to the ring from somewhere in the audience to "Owen" chants] What's this all about, and who do you think you are?
 [takes off shades] Who do I think I am? [pokes Vince] Who the HELL do you think you are?! You think I owe you a goddamn apology?! I don't owe you a goddamn thing! I'm sick and tired of trying to please everybody else around here, and the bullshit stops right here!
 Well, that's showing McMahon plenty of respect!
 This could get very, very ugly in a hurry.
 Now my brother, Bret, and Neidhart, and Bulldog, they did what they had to do, and now it's time for me to do what I have to do, and that is remain right here in the World Wrestling Federation! [crowd cheers] Now, I spent nine years breaking my back day-after-day to earn a reputation in this company, and nobody, and I mean NOBODY, is going to run me out of this company, and you know EXACTLY who I'm talking about!
 Oh yeah, I have a real good idea who you're talking about. You're talking about self-professed "Showstopper," right? You're talking about the Icon, you're talking about the WWF Champion, Shawn Michaels. And isn't that really what it's all about, Owen? Huh? Isn't that what this whole thing's all about? You attempting to gain the only title that's eluded you in your career here? It's all about the WWF Title, isn't it?
 a piece of leather with tin on it?! This is real life, Vince. This is real life - MY life! MY reputation! MY respect! MY dignity! And McMahon, don't you get me wrong. I'm not ASKING you, I am TELLING you exactly what I am going to do! And that is... and that is make Shawn Michaels' life a living HELL!
 A lot of that going around these days.
 I--I know what you mean!
 Let me tell you--
 Listen to me for a second. You can call me the "Sole Survivor," you can call me the "Black Sheep," I really don't give a shit!
 Uh-oh. Not good.
 Shawn Michaels, this is not a game, this is real life, and you started it... and now, it's time for this "little nugget" to end it!
 Shawn Michaels is a marked man, and so is Helmsley!
 All right, now let me tell you what I'm going to do, Mr. Hart. I believe we have some uniformed security I'd like to ask to come to the ring. [crowd boos] And the reason I'd like to ask for uniformed security, Mr. Hart, is to make sure that, again, we do not endanger the safety of any of our ringside fans, because next week... next week, right here, you're gonna come in to the ring down the ramp like every other WWF superstar, and you're gonna compete in this ring next week just like every other WWF superstar. You're not gonna run over any more ringside fans – all right?!
 That's every cop in New Hampshire!
 Look out here. I don't like the look in Owen Hart's eyes. He's been under a tremendous amount of stress.
 Looks like a hungry dog eyeing a steak!
 Owen could snap at any--
 [Owen grabs Vince and stares him down]
 Hey!
 Oh, uh-oh!
 in my opinion, Owen Hart's got some big nuggets! [Owen gets taken out of the arena through the crowd as they chant his name]
 It has been said that anything can happen here in the World Wrestling Federation, but now more than ever, truer words have never been spoken. This is a conscious effort on our part to "Open the Creative Envelope", so to speak, in order to entertain you in a more contemporary manner. Even though we call ourselves "sports entertainment" because of the athleticism involved, the key word in that phrase is "entertainment". The WWF extends far beyond the strict confines of sports presentation into the wide open environment of broad-based entertainment. We borrow from such program niches like soap operas like The Days of our Lives, or music videos such as those on MTV, daytime talk-shows like Jerry Springer and others, cartoons like The King of the Hill on Fox, sitcoms like Seinfeld, and other widely accepted forms of television entertainment. We in the WWF think that you, the audience, are quite frankly tired of having your intelligence insulted. We also think that you're tired of the same old simplistic theory of "good guys vs. bad guys". Surely the era of "The superhero who urge you to say your prayers and take your vitamins" is definitely passe. Therefore, we've embarked upon a far more innovative and contemporary creative campaign that is far more invigorating and extemporaneous than ever before. However, due to the live nature of Raw and The War Zone, we encourage some degree of parental discretion as it relates to the younger audience allowed to stay up late. Other WWF programs on USA such as Saturday Morning LiveWire and Sunday Morning Superstars, where there is a 40% increase in the younger audience, obviously however need no such discretion. We are responsible television producers who work hard to bring you this outrageous, wacky, wonderful world known as the WWF. Through some 50 years, the World Wrestling Federation has been an entertainment mainstay here in North America and all over the world. One of the reasons for that longevity is as the times have changed, so have we. I am happy to say that this new vibrant, creative direction has resulted in a huge increase in television viewership, for which we thank USA Network and TSN for allowing us to have the creative freedom, but most especially we would like to thank you for watching. Raw and the War Zone are definitely the cure for the common show.
 Remember, the European Title on the line. Shawn Michaels putting the European Title on the line here, as he will the WWF Title at the Royal Rumble in that much-anticipated casket match with the Undertaker. [Shawn and Hunter lock up and Hunter immediately shoves Shawn down] Collar-and-elbow tie-up.
 [Hunter over-dramatically runs the ropes over a prone Shawn for 14 seconds]
 And reluctantly on his part, on both of them. He didn't want to put the title up either.
 Wait a minute. Why is Michaels just lying there?
 Well, why doesn't Helmsley slow down and stop? What is it?
 [catching on] It's a mockery. [Hunter jumps and softly splashes Shawn, hooking his leg] We thought that... oh, here it is.
 [Hebner counts to three. Hunter celebrates while Shawn "cries."]
 [over Tony Chimel's announcement] It was a ruse!
 "Triple H" Hunter Hearst-Helmsley!
 [cont'd] A ploy, a plot, a plan, a charade, a conspiracy, a sham! We've been conned, hoodwinked, bamboozled, flim-flammed, had the wool pulled over our eyes even!
 Slaughter apparently has been watching this on the monitor, we've just been informed, and is on his way to the ring. Helmsley with the European Title. We thought it was gonna be Slaughter's revenge.
 Look at these two jackasses! Michael [sic] cries every time he comes to this town!
 Well, the WWF has asked me to do a commentary on the state of wrestling in 1998; I guess they figured, "Cornette's always good for a couple of laughs." Well, I'm not really gonna be too funny tonight. Because you see, I think the state of wrestling in 1998 stinks! I think WCW stinks, I think the nWo stinks, I think ECW is embarrassing, and I think the WWF stinks! And I'll tell you why. You don't have to go back any further than last week on Raw, you got a guy coming out dressed like a Christmas tree, you got a woman dressed like a reindeer, you got two adolescent mulletheads showing their butt cheeks on national TV, and having a phony match for a championship! I think it stinks! I think it's disgusting! I think nobody has any respect for wrestling anymore! Where is "wrestling"? Not "sports entertainment", but wrestling! You know, just a couple of years ago, I left my home in Tennessee and I moved to Connecticut, which is like trading a Hawaiian vacation for a bed in a cancer ward, to come to work for the WWF full-time, the biggest wrestling promotion in the history of the planet! And I moved to Connecticut with snow on the ground seven months out of the year, real estate prices that would make Donald Trump's hair stand on end, the rudest bunch of people I've ever seen where English is the second language, and traffic jams at four o'clock in the morning! But I think that's OK, because I'm with the biggest wrestling promotion of all time, the WWF! But over the last couple of years, I don't see any wrestling! They got some great wrestlers around here, but they don't have any time to wrestle, because of all the folderol and the nonsense going on! You see, what the problem is, is the people running the two big promotions! One guy is a game show host wannabe from Minneapolis with phony teeth, phony hair, and a phony tan! And running the WWF, you got a whole office building full of Yankees from New York City that wouldn't know a wrestling match if it bit them! So they sit around all day, listening to people on the Internet; and the people on the Internet wouldn't know a wristlock from a wristwatch! I don't particularly care what some Yankee from New York City wants to see! I wanna see wrestling matches with wrestlers! I wanna see real old-fashioned wrestling! I wanna see some people who have some respect for the traditions of the wrestling industry, have some respect for the sport of wrestling! I don't wanna see "sports entertainment" and flying donkeys all around! I think it's garbage, I think it's insulting, and I think it's a shame to a fine sport like this! Down south where I come from, they know wrestling, they were brought up on it, they grew up on it, and they respect it! And I think it's about time that the promoters and the wrestling industry today recognize that wrestling fans watching a wrestling programme want to see wrestlers wrestle! That's... That's easy! It's not too hard to understand if you just think about it. But the problem is, is that nobody has any respect for tradition. Well, I got news for you; I got respect for tradition, and I've always been associated with real good old-fashioned wrestling, a sport of wrestling, not a circus sideshow, not a cartoon show; and if nobody else is bring some wrestling around here, then maybe it's gonna be up to Jim Cornette! So that might be my New Year's resolution for 1998! I might bring some tradition, I might bring some real wrestling back and clear this whole mess out, because I think it stinks! So there's my address, there's my opinion, there's my commentary, do with it what you want, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Bah Humbug, I'm outta here!
 [After stunning Mankind and Goldust, Steve Austin puts on JR's headset.]
 Oh hell yeah! No more Mr. Nice Guy until after this Rumble! Jim, someone told me the other day at the airport, "Steve, if you think you can win the Rumble, give me a hell yeah!" And I gave a "OH HELLLLL YEAHHHHH!"
 At this time I'd like to introduce to you a man who is simply the baddest man on the planet! Ladies and gentlemen, "Iron" Mike Tyson! [Tyson enters the ring with his crew] "Iron" Mike Tyson! Mike, it is unquestionable, an honor and a privilege to have you standing in a World Wrestling Federation ring.
 Well, it is a privilege to be here, man. I don't know, I've been a fan since I'm eight, nine years old and I'm just happy to be here.
 Well, tell me your old time favorites here in the WWF.
 Bruno Sammartino.
 Don Leo Jonathan as well?
 Nikolai Volkoff man I go way back. I'm just proud to be involved in this.
 Alright, now ladies and gentlemen. The moment we have awaited, the big announcement, and the announcement is that on March 29th at WrestleMania in this very ring..."Iron" Mike Tyson will... [Steve Austin's music interrupts McMahon and Austin enters the ring. Several officials and execs rush in.] Hey! Hey! Mr. Austin, why are you here?
 Because I'm sick and tired of seeing Mike Tyson, he comes in, he's shaking everybody's hands, making friends with all the WWF Superstars, and it's made me so damn sick, I've been in the back throwing up. [Tyson extends his hand] I ain't gonna shake your damn hand, because I ain't out here to make friends with you. Mike... shut up. I respect... I respect what you've done in the boxing world, but Jesus Christ, son, when you step in this ring, you're messing with Stone Cold Steve Austin and that's something you don't do. Let me make it short and sweet, what I'm telling you is I want a piece of Mike Tyson's ass. [To Vince] Shut up. Don't say one word, Vince; I'll knock your damn lights out, too. I respect what you've done, Mike, but you're out here calling yourself the baddest man on the planet. Right now, you got your little beady eyes locked on the eyes of the world's toughest son-of-a-bitch! I can beat you any day of the week, twice on Sunday. Do I think I... Do I think you can beat my ass? Hell no! Do I think I can beat your ass? Why, hell yeah! I don't know how good your hearin' is, but if you don't understand what I'm sayin', I always got a little bit of sign language, so here's to ya! [flips off Tyson to Vince's surprise. Tyson gestures with his hands and shoves Austin, causing a brawl between the two men. Everybody else pulls them apart and Austin is manhandled off the ring]
 Get out of here! You ruined it, you ruined it! [goes under second rope to get closer down to Austin] YOU RUINED IT, DAMMIT, YOU RUINED IT!!! [Austin flips him off as Shane tries to placate Vince]
 [Shawn and Triple H along with Chyna make their apology to RAW's carrier networks in a manner of an official presidential announcement]
 Good evening my fellow Americans. This past week, Degeneration X was informed that TSN, STAR TV, Sky Sports, and USA Network is drawing the line on standards and practices as it relates to WWF programming and Degeneration X. In the future, we need to be careful of what we do and what we won't do. Again, DX gets in trouble every time we do something fortuitously. Therefore, the following is the standard and practices that DX promises to adhere to. [steps aside for Triple H]
 From the hours of nine to ten PM, we will only use the words "ass", "damn", and "hell". We will, however use the words "shit", "fuck", "goddamn", "Jesus Christ", "bitch," "faggot", or any other sexual or racial slurs. From the ten to eleven PM hour, we will only use the words "ass", "damn", "hell" and "bitch." We will never, however use the words "shit", "fuck", "goddamn", "Jesus Christ", "faggot", or any other racial or sexual slurs. Now as it pertains to video, we promise there will be less dick references-
 Oh shit!
 [to Shawn with light tap on chest] Watch your fucking mouth!
 [scoffs] Fuck me.
 Goddamn it. Fuck! Anyway, we will have less references to our enormous genitalia. [gives way to Shawn]
 On a final note, you know many of you believe that currently, the favored pastime in the Oral Office is "Swallow the Leader"...[delivers like Clinton's famous denial] I did not, I repeat, I did not sleep with that young intern. [normal] As a matter of fact, I was [makes DX crotchchop] UP ALL NIGHT!! [laughs along with HHH]
 [Kane has just decked out a fan and timekeeper Mark Yeaton, but Paul Bearer couldn't assure him enough that a constant tolling of bells was nothing... until they see a casket on the stage hit by a lightning bolt and the Undertaker rises out of it]
 all those times when I return to the world of darkness it's of my own appoint. It's a time for spiritual healing. It's a time for the truth, and I know the truth. At this trip, what I was doing was soothing the souls of my parents, because I had to explain to them why I would have to do the one thing I promised never to do. Kane...
 You're not The Phenom anymore! I'm standing next to the real Phenom!
 [Kane lights up the stage but Undertaker passes right through the fireworks]
 I will walk straight through the FIRES OF HELL to face you, Kane! And when you look into the eyes of your older brother, you will understand why, I am the most feared entity in the World Wrestling Federation. You will understand why, I am the Reaper of Wayward Souls and you will understand why I am the Lord of Darkness. Kane, there is one thing, that I want you to think about between now and WrestleMania 14 – March 29th. I want you to remember, when we were small children, and we would begin to fight, mother and father were always there to pull me off of you. Well, this time there won't be anyone to save you. May the hounds of hell eat your rotting soul and you will...Rest...In...Peace!
 [the lights are out again as Kane and Paul Bearer are in the ring; Undertaker appears at the top of the TitanTron]
 Kane, WrestleMania 14, I will strike down upon thee with anger and furious vengeance!!! I will deliver you to the fiery pits of eternal damnation. You will know my name as the Lord of Darkness! Little brother, I felt your wrath, now you're gonna feel mine. It's too late to turn back. The only thing that you can do now is Rest... In.. Peace!!! [summons lightning bolt that opens upright casket at the stage, revealing an effigy of Kane that suddenly burns]
 [HHH appears in the ring with Chyna after Wrestlemania XIV]
 You know, a lot can happen in twenty-four hours... let's start with Mike Tyson. You know, I must have asked a thousand times, "Is he locked in? Is he with us? Is he a part of us? Are you SURE? Is it sewn up?" Heh - what I heard was "Don't worry, kid - I got it covered. Don't sweat it. You worry too much - it's sewn up. Let me make the decisions." Well, you dropped the ball. But don't worry, HBK, 'cause Triple H picked it up, and now the ball is in MY court! I'll take care of the worries - I'll take care of the problems - and I'll make the decisions. This is the genesis of D-Generation X. Tonight, live in front of the world, I form the DX Army - an army to take care of business that should have been taken care of right from the start. And when you start an army, when you set out to do what no one else can do, the first thing you do is you look to your blood - you look to your buddies - you look to your friends. You look to the Kliq! [points to the stage and DX music plays... as Sean "123 Kid" Waltman appears and heads down to the ring to greet Triple H] You know, when you've been an indentured servant for two years, you run up a lot of feelings - talk to 'em, Kid.
 ALBANY NEW YORK - RAISE SOME HELL MAKE A LITTLE NOISE! First things first - I've got a little something I've got to get off my chest right now. I heard Hulk Hogan come out on television sayin' I couldn't cut the mustard. Well, Hulk Hogan, you suck, pal! So I don't think you have any room to talk about anybody cutting any kind of mustard. And Hulk, I got some... I got some more advice for ya. You'd better not stop short, or Eric Bischoff will go so far up your ass, he'll know what you had for breakfast!
 And now on to important matters at hand. I'm sittin' at home with my mind on my money and my money on my mind - and I get a call from one of my best friends o' my entire life, Triple H, and he says, "DX needs your help." Well dammit, Triple H, any time you ever need anything from me, pal, you got it. And I got something else to say - Kevin Nash and Scott Hall would be standing right here with us if they weren't bein' held hostage by World Championship Wrestling and that's a fact Eric Bischoff, so put that in your pipe and smoke it! So the way I see it right now, this is a new beginning for D-Generation X, and we're here to rip ass on the World Wrestling Federation... AND IT STARTS TONIGHT!!!!
 Oh yeah, by the way, I got two words for ya...
 SUCK IT!
 Yeah!
 [Paul Bearer gloats over Kane mauling Undertaker the night before]
 Undertaker! Behold, your brother. Undertaker...did you actually believe last night, after the 1, 2, 3 that it was all over? Did you actually think so!? You are looking at your flesh and blood - the only man to ever kick out of your famous Tombstone. Not once - but twice! And he would have done it a third time! Don't you know, Undertaker - you have had to change. After all this, I know you've had to change, deep down inside, that cold, cold heart that your body harbors!
 You have faced your flesh and blood, one on one! He beat you all over that ring last night - the whole world's seen it! You cowered in the corner, Undertaker, as your brother put his fist against your skull. After I returned to the hotel last evening, I put myself in bed, I shut my eyes. I was proud, but I was awoken at about 2am with a dream! Yes, Kane, I had a dream! In that dream, I saw a wrestling ring - in that dream, I saw the ring surrounded by fire... in that ring, I saw Kane, standing all alone. Undertaker, I challenge YOU to step into my dream - step into the ring - step into the fire and face your brother one more time! But the dream is not finished yet... in order to win this match, Undertaker, either you or your brother will have to CATCH FIRE! The loser must catch fire - an Inferno! Unforgiven! In! Your! House!
 [Cactus Jack appears]
 I have always taken a lot of chances in the ring and some very bad things have happened to me over the years, but I've always had the comfort of knowing that when I looked at my career, my dreams, the things I accomplished, the things I'd set my heart on... that it was always worth the pain. So people ask, "Cactus, so how's your neck?", I say, that I'll be damned, if I'm gonna let a group of SCUM like DX put Cactus Jack away.
 No, I guess, you see, that... Terry Funk's not here and I haven't talked to Terry, but I've left a message on his answering machine and I'm not saying this to sound tough, but Cactus Jack and Terry Funk do not miss wrestling matches! So I have to guess, if the Funker was hurt enough to fly home, that it's probably pretty bad. And I really wish that people could know Terry a little bit more than what they see in the ring, because people will always debate on who the greatest wrestler of all time is, but I guarantee you, you ask every damn last bunch of people in the dressroom, they'll say that Terry Funk is the gutsiest old bastard they've ever seen in their lives.
 And I guess you've probably seen Terry's back, and I hope you saw WrestleMania because it was a tremendous match and I'm very proud of it, and Terry was laying there on the bed with his belt and he said, "Cactus, I'm gonna be alright because I consider this the last match of my career." See, Terry always wanted to retire as a WWF champion and he said, "Cactus, it's all been worth it, but we don't have those belts now, do we?" And I'm not gonna get into the reason why, but I will say, that when Cactus Jack was laying - and I was conscious and I could move, but it was very hard to move and I was not very far from being unconscious - and when I looked at Terry Funk, well, I heard something in my... in my ears that - I gotta tell you the truth - it kinda made me sick! That's... there was an announcement being made, thanking the fans for coming to the WWF event... and they said something about Stone Cold Steve Austin... and, uh, yeah, people... people started chanting his name. And it's... it's funny, because... when I came here two years ago and I was Mankind, there were always people saying, "Why don't you just be Cactus Jack?" Then I came out in tie-dye and white boots, and they said, "You know, why don't you just be Cactus Jack?" Well, I gave you Cactus Jack. I GAVE YOU EVERY GODDAMN PIECE OF ENERGY I HAD... and when I was laying there, helpless... you chanted someone else's name... [stands up]
 This is not a knock on Stone Cold Steve Austin! Hey I'm happy he's the champion, and he may not admit it, but we've known each other a long time, and he's been my friend. But what you did to me and Terry Funk laying here in the middle of the ring was not only distasteful and disrespectful, it was goddamn disgusting... and I'm gonna give you a chance to make it up to me... because I'm gonna accept a group apology right now. [feels crowd heat] Well... I can finally say for the first time, after 13 years of blood, sweat and tears, that it's not worth it anymore. It's gonna be a long time before you see Cactus Jack in a ring again. [drops mic and leaves ring]
 [DX - the New Age Outlaws, Chyna, and XPac, assemble near a military jeep with recoilless cannon]
 Attention! [the four stand at attention with Chyna poking her M-16 into Road Dogg's crotch. starts pacing back and forth] At ease, men. [group goes at ease. Billy Gunn has his rocket launcher tucked like an erect penis and lowers it a bit] I said at ease! [rocket launcher is lowered more] That's better. [walks to Billy] Stand up straight, soldier. Today we embark on a mission. We have seen the enemy, and he's near. So today, we're gonna go down there.
 Down where, sir?
 There [makes crotch gesture] and we will blow them out of the water. This mission, should you choose to accept it, will start at the Norfolk Scope, with [mock Southern drawl] Dubya-C-Dubya, the Rasslin' [to normal voice] and it will end right here tonight, at the Hampton Roads Coliseum, for RAW is WAR. This is your mission, [XPac makes a few unintelligible words] if you choose to accept it, lades and gentlemen, if you choose to accept it, it will be all for one and [gestures open-palm to DX]
 One for All, so [makes DX crotch chop] SUCK IT! [talk amongst themselves as they mount the jeep. HHH stands on the shotgun seat]
 [gestures with baton] ATTACK!!! [DX starts moving]
 [Paul Bearer has just cut a promo about Kane's predicament at Unforgiven, revealing Kane is his son]
 ... and of course, the Undertaker obviously was shocked. What we're hearing then is that Paul Bearer is Kane's father.
 And do you know what that means? You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that out - that means Paul Bearer had to sleep with the Undertaker's mother!
 Good Lord..
 Whoa!! [scoffs and laughs at the revelation]
 Cut this music... does anybody here know my name? Because to tell you the truth, I don't know who the hell I am anymore. At Unforgiven, I beat Stone Cold Steve Austin - no I do not have the heavyweight title, but I came real close. And for those of you who've never been on the receiving end of a Stone Cold ass-kicking, let me tell you, it doesn't feel that good... If you were to ask Stone Cold Steve Austin how he felt the next day, well he probably would say he didn't feel a whole hell of a lot better.
 So now, how do I get rewarded for my efforts at Unforgiven? By receiving a rematch? No! By being proclaimed the No.1 contender? No! You see, that honor went to... Goldust. The last time I checked my resume, I was going head to head with the heavyweight champion of the world. The last time I checked the resume of Goldust, that panty-wearing pansy... he was wearing a black teddy in a woman's negligee match. And now the WWF has informed me that I am to wrestle Terry Funk in a no-holds-barred, falls-count-anywhere match. And I guess I know what Vince McMahon must thinking, 'hey let those two kill each other and I won't have to deal with them anymore.'
 You see, I don't have all the answers, but I do know a few things. Number one, I'll be damned if I'm going to throw away 13 years of hard work by sucking up to a low-life like Vince McMahon; number two, I'll be damned if I'm gonna let my wife and kids see me bumping and grinding with a couple of second rate strippers on national television; and number three, I'll be damned if I perform in this stuff [Dude Love Outfit] ever again. What I'd like right now is to have Vince McMahon out here, because I, Cactus Jack, want some answers and I want them right now! I am waiting for your replay! Vince McMahon, if you are a man, you come out here and face the music. [Vince McMahon enters the ring] Vince, I don't care what you do - if you bury it [Dude Love Outfit], you burn it or you put it on yourself, but you will not make me dress up like a horse's ass... EVER... are we understood? ARE WE?"
 You've got guts enough to call me out before you? Me? The owner of the World Wrestling Federation? You've got guts enough to call me out before you and all these people? Who the hell do you think you are? Let me tell you something - sure, you hold a victory over Stone Cold Steve Austin at Unforgiven, but you didn't get the job done, because Stone Cold Steve Austin is still the World Wrestling Federation champion!
 And the next night, sure, Goldust becomes the #1 contender, how do you react? You kvetch, you bitch, you cry, you moan, just like all these other people would at their lost opportunity, because you see... they have to make excuses when they don't get that raise, they don't get that promotion, they have to make excuses - I would expect better from you and then... you think I'm trying to punish you by booking you in a match with your best friend, Terry Funk, a no-holds-barred match?
 Yes, I do!
 That's not a punishment, THAT'S REWARD, that's what it is, a REWARD!
 How you figure?
 Because I believe that you and I are a lot alike. I believe that you recognize this as it truly is. You see, I take adversity and turn it into triumph... This match that you have with your best friend is an opportunity, and that's what I give better than anybody else in the world, opportunity... don't you see? Can't you clearly see this picture? Who've you been listening to?
 Because, if you seize this moment, if you take your best friend out to this ring tonight, and you not only beat him, but beat him... an inch from his life, if you tear him limb from limb... if you REACH INTO HIS CHEST AND PULL OUT HIS HEART... AND HOLD IT AND THE BLOOD DRIPS DOWN ALL OVER YA... THEN YOU WOULD'VE MADE the kind of sacrifice that's necessary to become the #1 contender, the kind of sacrifice that's necessary to BEAT Stone Cold Steve Austin, THE KIND OF SACRIFICE that's necessary TO BE the World Wrestling Federation champion!
 I've got faith in you! I've got confidence in you! Because I believe, deep down in that demented cranium.. you can do it! You can do it! You can seize this opportunity and once again become the #1 contender for the World Wrestling Federation championship. When I came out here, you threw Dude Love into my face... How does it feel for me to throw the truth into yours?
 [After JR announces an exclusive interview by Jerry Lawler on Paul Bearer, nobody notices the camera still on and the King is very inquisitive about Kane]
 I told you about it. You hear what I told him. I told the world he's my son. He is my son Jerry, it's that simple.
 Cmon, so you're telling me-
 He's my son!
 You're telling me-
 You don't believe me?
 You're telling me, you're telling me you nailed the Undertaker's mother.
 Well, I nailed - nailed - I [Lawler scoffs] Okay.
 Tell me how that...
 Jerry, can I trust you?
 I'll tell nobody.
 I was 19 years old and I was present at the funeral home. I went out on Tuesday nights to the wrestling matches like I always do with my friends, had a few beers. Coming to the funeral home, there she was in this little titty outfit. I've never been [Lawler begins to laugh] don't tell nobody. I've never been with a woman before at that point. I wasn't fat like I am now, in fact Jerry I was kinda [fixes up tie] studly.
 Oh yeah right?
 I was! Anyway, I come through the door and... she took me right there! Right there!
 Wait where, on the embalming table or something?
 No no, in the kitchen floor.
 Oh no!
 Yeah, in the kitchen floor of the [slaps thigh] funeral home.
 [starts to giggle and laugh] Paul Bearer slips the salami to the Undertaker's mother on the kitchen floor.
 In the kitchen floor in the apartment of the funeral home.
 Swear to God.
 I swear. It's the gospel truth. That's the way it happened. She took me, an innocent 19-year-old boy, as I lost my virginity to her. [as Lawler laughs] It's true!
 Paul Bearer buries his bologna in the Undertaker's mother.
 She was a moaning, and a groanin, and screamin'... and I heard some little feet coming down the stairs. It's a good thing I got up, 'cause it was little Taker coming down the stairs. Stopped me just in time, [Lawler laughs] and if he did took two more steps, he'd have seen his momma's feet, one was in New York, the other was in LA!!! [they laugh as Bearer kicks his legs in delight]
 Can you imagine if little Undertaker had come in and seen Paul Bearer and his mother bumping uglies?
 [Undertaker appears in casual attire]
 Because it's all ratings! He put my family tragedy on the line for ratings. And even after all that, I never lost my smile, I kept on fighting, and as I've been taking care of family business, Stone Cold Steve Austin rises to the top. But don't get me wrong, I got nothing against Steve Austin. The only thing Steve Austin ever did was come to the ring and fight me like a man—and that's all I ever asked. But you see, Vince, after the years of mistreatment and after the last eight months of you throwing my family up in my face, I've had enough. Now it's time the Undertaker got was is rightfully his. I demand... my shot... at the World Wrestling Federation title. Now, I've done enough talking. Now, Vince McMahon, Mr. McMahon, whatever it is you like to be called, I think it's time you've got your pencil-neck-geeked ass out here and face the Reaper.
 [Vince McMahon appears and enters the ring. He suddenly takes the mic from Taker]
 What have you done for Vince McMahon lately?
 As far as your family is concerned, all your family problems, I've got a question for you. Is Paul Bearer telling the truth when he said that your mother was a whore? [stops Undertaker from a sudden reaction] I've got to ask. You want the answer? You want the answer? You wanna be the number one contender. You deserve to be the number one contender. That's what you want, that's what you'll get. Sure, no problem. You'll get it. [goes outside ropes] You'll get it if you defeat your opponent in this ring tonight. There you go, you got what you wanted, okay? So whoever wins the match between you and your opponent will be the number one contender in this ring, live, tonight. So let's see what happens, Undertaker, let's see what happens when you have to face your brother, Kane!!!
 [Kaientai and their leader, Yamaguchi-san have just seen Val Venis defeat Brian Christopher]
 Val Venis, look at me! Listen! Kaientai's gonna challenge you to a match next week. Val Venis, listen. After we win that match, I'll give you a big surprise to you! [gives mic to Dick Togo while Funaki readies a large salami roll on a wooden table. Yamaguchi-san slices it with a katana to his roaring delight.]
 [stunned] That's, that's a pretty subtle message...
 I choppy-choppy your pee-pee!! HAHAHAA!!!
 [Jerry Lawler talks to Val Venis about how his ordeal with Kaientai went the week before]
 Are you still hanging in there?
 Hello, ladies. You know tonight I come to you a humble man, half the man that I used to be, but you know, it's like they say - you live by the sword and you die by the sword. You know there's only one way to stop the mighty boa - and that's to sever it at the head. Well ladies, you better take a rain check on them new snakeskin boots, because - because - the Big Valbowski is alive and ready to bite, baby! Well you know something, thanks to a cold butcher's block, heh heh heh, and a little shrinkage, and of course my good friend, John Wayne Bobbitt, who just happened to cut the lights just at the appropriate time, the Big Valbowski is standing at full attention, cocked, rocked and ready to unload.
 We live on the edge - Val ordered a club soda with a slice and the bartender tried to cut us off.
 John I don't want to cut you short - but I understand your ex-wife Lorena actually threw something out the window and it was lost out there for a while, but they found it right?
 Yeah they found it.
 Well that's a good thing because I was thinking how funny a picture of that would look on the side of a milk carton.
 [to Yamaguchi-san's wife] Baby, it's been a long, hard road - but it ends right here, baby! You know something, ah don't cry baby, you see NO woman is worth the trouble that you brought me - no woman! I hope you enjoyed the ride baby, because this is where you get off! So take your shoes from under my bed and hit the bricks. Adios! Goodbye lady!
 [Vince is bitterly angry that Austin crashed his WWF Championship awarding ceremony for the Undertaker and Kane]
 Ken Shamrock, Mankind, and The Rock! And maybe, just maybe, I hope you could get it right, I'd like to wish you the best of luck. You know why? I think you're gonna need it because as far as I'm concerned, it's like dealing with the handicapped. One's physical [referring to Kane], the other is mental [to Undertaker]. Good luck to you both.
 [Kane has just set up Mr. McMahon on the steel steps and Undertaker has the top two steps]
 Oh no, holding the ankle and the knee across the steps...Undertaker [sees Taker raising the steps] NO NO NO!! [Taker kayfabe smashes steps on McMahon's ankle] OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!!!! [Taker leaves Vince reeling from the pain] Vince McMahon's leg's gotta be shattered now!!
 Don't move it, don't move it!
 McMahon writhing in pain, at the hands of the two men that will meet for the WWF title at the Rosemont Horizon on Judgment Day with Steve Austin as the referee!
 [sad and concerned] How could this happen, JR? McMahon didn't mean it when he called them handicapped! CALL A DOCTOR!!!!
 [over JR's commentary as he helps Vince] ...I can't believe it, those dirty bastards, they BROKE HIS LEG! Get somebody out here!
 McMahon, McMahon needs an ambulance. Well, you better not move him! My God, what else can happen here?
 [to Mr. McMahon] It looks just fine to me. [to a doctor] How about you, doctor?
 [disguising as a doctor] I'll take it from here, nurse.
 NO!
 [Austin attacks Vince McMahon.]
 Get him off me! Get him off me!!
 [mumbles as he strips off Vince's shirt] How about your foot? [attacks Vince McMahon's injured ankle, on a cast at the foot of the bed. McMahon shrieks in pain] What do you think about that? 
 [Austin slams Vince McMahon with a bedpan, and he falls off the bed]
 Calling Dr. Austin--Get up, you piece of trash. Get up, you piece of sh- [manhandles Vince back to bed] Calling Dr Austin we got a emergency!
 No, NOO!!
 [sets up defibrillator] Everybody clear [shocks Vince and stoomps on him on the floor]
 [as Austin bends him over the bed and he gets an enema-like device connected to an IV drip] No! No please no!! No, help me, please!
 I've always known you were full of shit, Vince. You just bow down. This is gonna hurt you more than it'll hurt me! [kayfabe jams device up Vince's butt. Vince screams loudly] You piece of trash!
 [Steve Austin is driving a cement truck toward Vince McMahon's Corvette.]
 Wait a minute.
 I knew it JR. He's trying to drive it right in here, then get ready to run. He'll run over us.
 Wait a minute, there's...
 Hey, wait a minute, don't run over Mr. McMahon's Corvette.
 I don't think he's... [sees Austin setting up the mixer's metal trough on the car] it doesn't look like he's going to run over it.
 Wait a minute!
 Oh my God, I don't believe this.
 You can't do that!
 I do not believe this, ladies and gentlemen.
 Mr. McMahon! Mr. McMahon!
 That's one of the Corvettes in Mr. McMahon's collection.
 That's a $50,000 car! No! JR! [cement mixture is poured into the car] NOOOO!
 Oh my God! Oh my! Austin is loading McMahon's car with cement.
 [watching it on the monitor] That's my Corvette!!!!
 McMahon's car is being loaded with cement.
 Oh my God!
 McMahon's prized Corvette, [cement mix overflows, breaking the car's side and rear windows] one of his collection, is being destroyed by the Rattlesnake.
 NOOOO!
 The Rattlesnake has struck. [Austin leaves cement truck]
 Somebody call the cops!!!
 After those two big bastards beat the living hell out of each other, you can bet your ass, that the only hand Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna hold up is my own. And the thing about this, Vince, there ain't a damn thing that you can do about it. [at the stage, Vince McMahon appears in a wheelchair] Awww... Go ahead and hurl your little ass down here!
 the so-called People's Champion, The Rock!
 16 Construction Company is gonna provide you with a real good rear-view mirror, because I think some time tonight, you're gonna have to have eyes in the back of your head. I think, of all I've been through, these last two weeks—And I admit, my life has been a living hell. I admit—[miffed at "Asshole!" chants] WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE?
 I don't know how good your hearing is, but you got about 15,000 people calling you an asshole! [audience pop]
 Over the last two weeks—it all started after you lost the WWF title, and you recklessly and carelessly drove that Zamboni at full speed into the arena—YOU DIDN'T CARE WHO YOU RAN OVER as long as you got to me! [anguished] And then from there, you got to me, alright. And after you did—And because of you, The Undertaker and Kane crushed my ankle. [gestures to ankle] It's crushed! I may never, ever again, play another polo match. I may never again ride a horse, ever. I may never again compete in an athletic event, and I hold you responsible!
 I promise you, I GUARANTEE YOU, Austin, that if you don't raise the hand of a new WWF champion, this Sunday, on the spot, I WILL FIRE YOUR ASS!
 You stupid bastard, you ain't got the balls to fire Stone Cold Steve Austin!
 I PUBLICLY, I GUARANTEE, I WILL [points at Austin with every word] FIRE YOUR ASS THIS SUNDAY! Hit the music!
 [all WWF Superstars are assembled in and around the ring for an address from Mr. McMahon]
 I guarantee you! Nonetheless, I guarantee you that on November 15 at the end of that evening we will have an undisputed WWF Champion, because on that night, at the Survivor Series, 16 WWF Superstars will compete in a one-night tournament to determine just who will be the next undisputed WWF Champion.
 'Austin, screw you! You're fired!' How did Austin take this news? Well, I show you how he took this news, on the TitanTron; if you'll direct your attention, someone from the production will put up a freeze frame of Stone Cold Steve Austin's face. And as soon as Stone Cold heard those words, Stone Cold had that look on his face. [gloats about the shot] A look of disbelief! He couldn't believe he had just been fired. Austin, as a matter of fact, started mumbling about something about hunting season or going hunting—I didn't know what he meant until this morning someone told me that rumor was, Austin was indeed hunting. He was hunting for a job!
 You'll have to buy a ticket, Austin! [more 'Asshole!' chants] So, what did it feel like? Many of you are saying to yourself, 'My God, what's it like to be Vince McMahon? What's it like to have the balls to fire Stone Cold Steve Austin?' I really wondered. I wondered if Austin provoked me, how I would feel. And last night I searched. And last night, when I fired Austin, I'll admit it felt pretty damn good. At the end of the evening, after asking that question again, I was convinced it felt great. And then, this morning—you know, when you look into that mirror, bright and early, when you first get up, that soul-searching—Alright, Vince McMahon, how did you feel after firing Stone Cold Steve Austin? You know what it felt like to me this morning? IT WAS BETTER THAN SEX!
 16 says, "I've got the brass to fire your ass." Thank you very much! Thank you, Gentlemen! [freeze frame shot of Austin turns into live shot of Austin at his truck, in hunting camouflage bringing his rifle and bow set]
 [Paul Bearer and Undertaker appear one day after they turned on Kane]
 As you can plainly see, there has been a reconciliation made. Brother, Paul has come home to lead my Ministry of Darkness. And I'm sure that there is those who can't understand because they have no vision how I could align myself once more with such a despicable, evil, maniacal individual. Well if those aren't reasons enough, I don't guess I can explain it any better. What we have, is someone with vision. Someone who truly understands the power of darkness. He allowed me to clear my head and refocus on what it is I'm here for. Now what we have is a beginning of a new era. And we will unleash with our Ministry of Darkness, a plague for which the World Wrestling Federation has never seen, nor will it be ever understood amongst those who do not relish in the darkness. So now, those of you, who do not declare, shall be declared!
 Kane, I used you boy. Ever since you were a little child, I took care of you like a pet, like a put dog on a leash. Just for special occasions, yes I used you, because you're stupid! You're weak! You can't even speak for yourself! You turned your back on me twice. The first time was 8 weeks ago, the last time was last night boy! You could never understand the darkness Kane, that's why I'll never have any use for you again.
 I set that fire! And I set it because you were weak as a child, and you are weak now. And we have no room for the weak. Only the strong shall survive.
 [Kane comes with a casket, looks like he is going to challenge Undertaker]
 You and I... tonight... casket match! And brother... you will... REST IN PEACE!
 [Vince McMahon appears with his lawyers, Sgt Slaughter and the stooges plus Big Boss Man]
 you were cheering for every act of humiliation Austin committed against me! You savored every violation, every liberty that Austin took against me, but what you enjoyed the most was when Austin forced me to go to the ring. He made me get down on my knees, he made me beg! He made me... [saddened] he made me cry! He made me urinate myself! [angry] And where were you? Where were any of you? No one came to my aid. [to stooges] Not you, Brisco! Not you Patterson, or the Commissioner, no one. My ankle has been reinjured, I've ruined a perfectly good Armani suit. I hurt all over. But most of all, my feelings have been hurt. They have been crushed, but despite the injury, the insult Austin, after the injury I will never ever forgive you for! That wasn't a latter of introduction you jammed down in my coat pocket oh no, that was a legal document Austin and you know damn well then it was a legal document, and with this battery of attorneys I have behind me, Austin, I will fight you. I will fight you in court if I can, hell I'll fight you all the way to the Supreme Court! Austin, before you make your next move, you better take stock in what I say.
 [appears on TitanTron] Well speaking of stock, here am I. I've been stocking Pampers diapers, in case the bastard pisses all over himself! You know what I mean!
 [Shane McMahon appears as Vince fumes at Austin being employed in the WWF with a new contract and ignores his calls to join him on the stage]
 I don't listen to you anymore. I am an officer, more importantly, a stockholder of this company, and what you did to Stone Cold Steve Austin was wrong, Dad. You were wrong.
 [to the stooges] He's just a kid, he's just a kid!
 no one's bigger than Vince McMahon, oh no! All my life, people have asked me, 'Boy, what's it like to be Vince McMahon's son? Wow, isn't that great?' And I have lied year after year after year... [gets more emotional] to protect you, to protect our family name. Well, the lying stops now! I'm tired of it!... You never cared about me! Everything—I couldn't do anything right for you. Nothing is ever right. My grades in school were never good enough for you.
 [in tears] Yes they were!
 That's never ever gonna happen, because it's never been about me, it's been about you. YOU, DAD! [Vince closes his eyes and grimaces because Shane struck a raw nerve] It's always about perception. Perception. Ever since, I'm always known as Vince's boy. 'How does Vince's boy make him look?' It wasn't about me, it was about how I made you look, that perception, at your big corporate parties.
 [saddened] You're my son—
 Yeah, I'm your son, but I'm not your little boy anymore. I'm a man and I stand in this ring as a man. I'm no longer your boy, Dad. I'm proud of who I am. I am proud of the person I have become. My name is Shane McMahon, and for 28 years—for 28 years I've finally built up enough courage to face you here today, to stand up to YOU! I guess, now you have something to be proud of me about, don't you Dad? Because I finally stood up to you and I had the BRASS to do it!... Isn't it ironic? I guess, I'm just like you after all, isn't that right, Dad?!? [tosses mic back to Austin as Vince rebuffs Pat Patterson trying to comfort him]
 If you think Vince got what he had comin', gimme a hell yeah.
 HELL YEAH!!
 [A wheelchair-bound Vince McMahon has just made Mankind promise he won't interfere in an upcoming match between Ken Shamrock and the Rock and has something for him]
 I have it for you. [takes off black sheet] This is the WWF Hardcore Championship belt, and Mick, you've earned it. You've earned it. [Big Boss Man moves away to open a door]
 [accepts title and laughs] I love it! [kisses belt] I gotta be honest with you, I love it!
 Just one thing. In some respects, I think I lost a son tonight... [puts hand on Mankind's shoulder] maybe I gained another.
 Really? [Vince drives off] Gee thanks, Dad. [Vince stops, visibly irked. Leaves]
 [Austin comes to ring with everyone's cheer]
 For the last few months, here in the World Wrestling Federation, with the title or without, Vince McMahon has seen fit to throw everything that he can at Stone Cold Steve Austin and somehow I've always managed to scrape by. That's all fine and well, but six days from now at Rock Bottom in a Buried Alive match, in my opinion, the stakes are stacked higher than they've ever been for Stone Cold Steve Austin. Undertaker, you come out here, talk about sacrificing me, about wanting my soul, you hit me in the head with a shovel, you tried to bury me, you tried to embalm me and none of that worked... in the Ministry of Stone Cold Steve Austin, at Rock Bottom, you can bet your ass that you can expect no mercy from Stone Cold Steve Austin, and that's all I got to say about that!
 [Lights get closed and Undertaker's theme song plays as a TX symbol appears in front of the screen]
 [voiceover] Austin, we've traveled down the highway to hell, and our journey has enlightened us on a few matters. One, you're helpless against my Ministry, and the other is I can take your rotting soul any time I wish. Tonight, our journey stops in your purgatory, where you will remain until Rock Bottom, and on that night boy, I will sacrifice you to the Ministry of Darkness and let the entire world watch you get buried alive and BURN IN HELL!
 [The symbol gets burned by a storm, as Austin is a little scared]
 Hello, ladies! You know something? For the next couple of days, [points to right leg] this leg will be known as Christmas, and [points to left leg] this leg will be known as New Years. So ladies, why don't y'all come visit the Big Valbowski between the holidays.
 [The Rock is livid that Vince caved to Mankind's demand for a WWF title match just to spare Shane from a broken shoulder]
 I'm the damn champ. How could you just give in so damn easy? Regardless of who it is, I'm not even ready, the Rock doesn't have his clothes, he got nothing... [Shane and Vince talk over him]
 He nearly broke my left shoulder.
 It's my son, dammit!
 The Rock doesn't have his clothes. I'm the champ and then now all of a sudden, I gotta face Mankind?!
 It's my son!!
 I know it's your damn son but dammit I...
 Go get ready, you're a champion! C'mon, get ready, you're a champion!
 [During the No-Disqualification WWF Championship match]
 DX and the Corporate Team are going at it!
 Look out! [Glass shatters] What?! Oh no!
 Stone Cold is here! Stone Cold is here!
 Look out, Mr. McMahon! The Rattlesnake is here!
 [Austin enters the ring and nails The Rock on the head with a chair]
 Stone Cold with a chair! [Austin drapes Mankind on top of The Rock] He pulled Mankind on The Rock!
 [as Hebner counts] No! No! [Three count] Don't do it! [arena erupts]
 Mankind!
 [over the announcement] Oh my God, no!
 Mankind did it! Mick Foley did it!
 No, Stone Cold did it!
 Mankind has achieved his dream, and the dream of everyone else who's been told, "you can't do it"!
 No! You can't do it! You can't do this!
 At the risk of not sounding very cool, I'd like to dedicate this match to my two little people at home and say...BIG DADDIO DID IT!
 This is the blackest day in the history of the WWF!!
 [The Acolytes look on, waiting for "He" and having Dennis Knight ready for him; The Undertaker comes to stage and sits to his throne]
 They lay me down in a grave as if it would be my final resting place.... filling it with the Earth's rotting soil. They tried to destroy me, wishing I would just go away. But what is it? What have they really done? The simple minds of mortal men... they sent me back to the place that is my origin. Destroy me? The more they try, the more powerful I've become. And now, I've risen from my Earthy grave and I will slay the ones I once saved. The reckoning is upon us. The day that the Ministry of Darkness seizes the land, destroys all that you hold dear, make play things our of your heroes and devours your innocence. The plague of darkness is coming; an all encompassing evil from which there is no escape, no mercy, no hope. Its called the future. And in the future, I will look down upon thee and I will decide whether you are an Agent of Darkness, or are you just mere kindling for my fires. The Power of Darkness shall be offered only to a chosen few. And those that resist the temptations of my Ministry, pain becomes synonymous with punishment. Embrace the Darkness and relish in the unearthly delight that pain has to offer. Resist and there are no limits to the torment you subject yourself to. Don't fight it. It will tear your soul apart. So let my servants be few and secret. They shall rule the many and the known, for I am the Reaper of men, the Chaser of souls, the Weaver of nightmares. I am the Heart of Darkness. I am now and ever will be the Purity of Evil. The Hell you were threatened with as a child is no longer an option. It is a reality, a living, breathing reality and you are all right in the middle of it. Yes, Hell has relocated to Earth.
 [He comes to Knight, touches him, cuts his wrist and fills cup with his blood]
 From this moment on, you are no longer Dennis Knight. You are Mideon. Now drink.
 [Knight, or Mideon, drinks Undertaker's blood, Taker gets Knight's cloth open and draws his symbol to Knight's chest with a knife, goes in front of his throne]
 Now you will know why you are afraid of the dark and you will learn why.
 [Undertaker's symbol gets burned by a storm]
 Tonight is the night when the New Age Outlaws see who is the best of the best. You see, it's called competitiveness, and that's what made the New Age Outlaws what they are today—the best tag team to ever step foot in the World Wrestling Federation. But tonight, Mr. Ass is walking out with the Intercontinental Title and the Hardcore Title. Sorry.
 Well, don't be sorry, because the D-O-double-G lives his life all or nothing, and tonight he's gonna walk away with A-double-L. So Mr. A-double-crooked-letter, I'll see your ass at ringside.
 [sotto voce] Yep, and you'll walk out with nothing like when I found you.
 [Vince is asking Stone Cold Steve Austin to deliver the WWF's ownership papers personally to the Undertaker as ransom for Stephanie McMahon, but Austin is not quite convinced of his sincerity]
 Vince McMahon needs Stone Cold Steve Austin.
 That all sounds real good Vince, but hell, you must think that I have a real horrible memory because the last 15 months, every single night I come to work, you see fit to put my life, make my life a living hell, and I will give you credit, you have done one helluva job.
 [Vince is dejected]
 Stone Cold Steve Austin never forgets a thing that happens right here in the World Wrestling Federation, so since Vince McMahon needs Stone Cold Steve Austin, I'll say this. By the same token, Stone Cold Steve Austin needs Vince McMahon...
 [Vince seems optimistic]
 ...to kiss his ass, and that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so!!
 [a saddened Vince walks away]
 [the Ministry of Darkness prepares Stephanie McMahon to be married to the Undertaker - even as she screams away and the Undertaker touches her]
 Dearly unbeloved, we gather here this evening to join Stephanie Marie McMahon, in the unholy wedlock with the Lord of Darkness. Tonight, Stephanie Marie McMahon will step from the light of this evil, cesspool, mortal world, into the sanctuary of eternal darkness. Keeping this in mind, will you, Stephanie Marie McMahon accept the purity of evil and take the Lord of Darkness as your master and spouse?"
 No! NOOO!!!
 [Ken Shamrock tries to get in but the Acolytes hold him down to be squashed by Viscera]
 Lord of Darkness, is it your intent to accept Stephanie Marie McMahon, her body, her mind, her soul, even her breath unto yourself, [Taker lightly reaches for her neck] and allow her to bear your offspring?
 NOOO!!!!
 I do.
 [the Big Show appears and breaks through the Acolytes and Viscera - but Undertaker gets Shamrock's baseball bat and hits him off the ring]
 By the power vested in me by the Lord of Darkness, I now pronounce you as the Unholy Union of Darkness. You may now kiss your bride!
 You know what, Road Dogg? Instead of me and you just kicking the hell out of each other, especially today, why don't me and you and these fine hos over here...we go to downtown St. Louis and we light it up all night long?
 What do you say, me and you go burn one and tell some Owen stories.
 Welcome to Raw Is Jericho! And I am the new millennium for the World Wrestling Federation. Now for those of you who don't know me, I am Chris Jericho, your new hero, your party host, and most importantly, the most charismatic showman to ever enter your living rooms via a television screen. And for those of you who DO know me, well, all hail the Ayatollah of Rock and Roll-a!
 Now when you think of the new millennium, you think of an event so gigantic that it changes the course of history. You think of a dawning of a new era. In this case, the dawning of a new era in the WWF. Thank you, thank you. And a new era is what this once proud and profitable company sorely needs. What was once a captivating, trend-setting program has now deteriorated into a cliched, let's be honest, boring snoozefest that is in dire need of a knight in shining armor, and that's why I'm here. Chris Jericho has come to save the WWF!
 Now let's go over the facts. Television ratings, downward spiral; pay-per-view buy-rates, plummeting; mainstream acceptance, non-existent; and reactions of the live crowds, complete and utter silence. And I know why you're silent! You're silent because you're embarrassed to be here. And quite honestly, I'm embarrassed for you. And the reason why you're embarrassed is because of the steady stream of uninteresting, untalented, mediocre "sports entertainers" who you're forced to cheer for and care for. No wonder you're not cheering! You could care less about every single idiot in that dressing room, [indicating The Rock] and especially this idiot in the center of the ring. You people have been led to believe that mediocrity is excellence. Uh-uh. Jericho is excellence. And now for the first time in WWF history, you have a man who can entertain you. You have a man who is good enough for you. You have a man who can make you jump up off your chairs, raise your filthy fat little hands in the air and scream "Go Jericho go! Go Jericho go! Go Jericho go!" Thank you.
 The new millennium has arrived in the WWF, and now that the Y2J problem is here, this company—from the front-office idiots to all the amateurs in the dressing room, including this one, to everybody watching tonight—will never, eeee-ee-eh-ever be the same a-gain!
 ...After three boring minutes, The Rock says, "Know Your Role, AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" How dare you little jabroni come on The Rock Show, and not even have the class to introduce yourself. What is your name?
 I told you--
 IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS! The Rock says you talk about your Y2J plan? Well, The Rock has a plan of his own, and it's called the K-Y Jelly plan. Which...which means The Rock is gonna lube his size 13 boot real good. Turn that sumbitch sideways, and STICK it straight up your candy ass! If you smelllll...what The Rock...is cooking.
 [Outside Jeff Jarrett's locker room, where a contract for an Intercontinental Title match is taped to the door]
 Chyna, I need a favor. You got a pen? I need a pen.
 I don't have one.
 All right, come here. Stay right here, don't let anybody sign this, I'll be right back, I've gotta find a pen.
 [as Billy walks away] Hey, that...that must be Jeff Jarrett's contract.
 Okay.
 Looks like Mr. Ass wants a piece of Jeff Jarrett, he wants to sign that contract.
 Look! Chyna's got a pen!
 What's she doing?!
 [as Chyna signs and runs away] She's signing the open contract to meet Jeff Jarrett for the Intercontinental Championship!
 You know, these Dudley Boys come into the World Wrestling Federation trying to make a name out of themselves by taking on us. You know, they come out here and they spout their commandments. Well, we got three commandments too, it's real simple. #1—Thou shalt not drink our beer; #2—Thou shalt not mess with our rats; and #3—I guess Public Enemy didn't tell them, Thou shalt not cut a promo on the Acolytes!
 [as Al Snow greets in the front row...] Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute! My god, that's Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero, Perry Saturn, Dean Malenko!
 What are they doing here tonight?
 What the hell is going on here? Those four guys... Well, King, we know it's all over the Internet they thumbed their noses at their last employer!
 Well, I know that. They walked out on the Ted Turner organization, but what are they doing here?
 I know the WWF's been negotiating with those four superstars, but they've not signed any contracts that I'm aware of.
 Well, they haven't signed any contracts yet, so maybe they're just here to... They're just sitting at ringside, maybe they're here to get a birds-eye view of the competition.
 Well, I'd say that's a pretty radical strategy on their part, wouldn't you think? It was radical enough that they walked out on their last employer because it was a lousy place to be, in their opinion. And showing up here unannounced is pretty radical either.
 [to Triple H] So you're telling me, Triple H, that I have to give up the World Wrestling Federation title because that match never took place? You're telling me that I have to give up the World Wrestling Federation title because these Jericho-holics never saw me beat you in the middle of that ring for this championship? Well, I guess we can all believe that. So I guess it's also not true that your wife Stephanie has not slept with half the boys in that locker room. I guess that we can't believe that either.
 [WWF CEO Linda McMahon has set up a six-man King of the Ring tagteam match between Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon, and Triple H against the Rock, Undertaker, and Kane. Vince fumes at the booking]
 We accept, we accept! You think you're gonna embarrass me?!? Huh?!?! You think you can come out here and put me in a position where you're gonna embarrass me in front of all these people, that's not gonna happen! I don't give a damn what match you make at the King of the Ring, I don't care what match you make tonight, tomorrow night, or any other night!
 Well, if that's the case, Vince, how about tonight? [let's sink in] If that's the case yeah, Triple H, you'll defend the World Wrestling Federation Championship... [as HHH seethes] against an opponent of my choosing.
 [brushes off HHH's protests] That's it? You got it! Triple HHH defends his WWF title tonight, and okay he doesn't know who his opponent is. Even so, he'll do it even it's not fair and you know damn well it's not!
 If any member of the Faction interferes in the match at all, you will be disqualified and Lita will be awarded the Championship.
 [ponders the logic in the announcement] All right you got that too, I'm happy. Now you've made your announcements, Little Ms CEO, you can go back to playing CEO somewhere else, maybe where you started your day this morning in Wilmington, Delaware. [tries to walk off with Shane, Stephanie, and HHH]
 Whoawhoawhoawhoa, Vince. [they look back at him] I don't play the CEO, I am the CEO. and as the CEO, I'll make this one final announcement tonight. Tonight, Shane McMahon will see action and also tonight, Vince McMahon will see action. And both Shane McMahon and Vince McMahon will team up in tag-team action against... the Dudley Boyz! [Father and son are dumbfounded] But it's not just any tag-team match. It's a Tables Match! [Shane walks off in disgust while Steph comforts a grimacing Vince]
 [The Rock slams Kane and Chris Benoit as they and Kurt Angle leave him, Rikishi, Mick Foley, Triple H and Stephanie]
 Benoit, when you're by yourself with Kane, pull your pants down [Benoit is blocked by the referees from coming down to the ring] go ahead Benoit, pull your pants down, and prove to Kane that you're not a woman!... and Kane, since you just wanna find things, you go ahead and find the penis Benoit claims he has! [Kane tries to go after the Rock, but the referees hold the line against him and Benoit]
 [Mick Foley is with the Rock and Rikishi in the ring]
 I've come out here in the past, I made wild accusations, but that’s not going to happen tonight. I promised to deliver the person, who ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin, and I will! Fortunately, my announcement will conclude what has undoubtedly been the worst week of my professional career. Unfortunately, all of the evidence points to you, Rock. It was your rental car that ran down Stone Cold, only your fingerprints, only your DNA were found inside the car. Hell, a pair of The Rock's sunglasses were found inside the glove box. And as Linda McMahon herself stated, no one else had as much to gain by Stone Cold's departure, did they, Rock? No, with Stone Cold out of the way, who sold the T-shirts, who picked up the media appearences, whose book went to number one, who showed up on television, who got movie roles? You have not fooled me, Rock, and therefore right here in Anaheim, California, in the case of who ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin at Survivor Series, Mick Foley finds The Rock... not guilty!
 But if you didn't do it, who did? Now I'm gonna tell you, who did. [points to Rikishi] He did. I hadn't quite figured it out until Scotty 2 Hotty said something about 'hang out backstage with Rikishi', hell, Rikishi, you weren't even part of Survivor Series, you hadn't even debuted on television! Who else is close enough with The Rock to go inside his dressing room? [Rikishi shakes head in denial] Who else is close enough with The Rock to reach inside his bag and get his keys? The mirrors and the seat were configured to fit not just a large man, but a very large man. That very large man is YOU! The only thing, I don't know, is why!
 Okay. I did it. In case, you didn't hear, I admit. I did it. I ran over Austin. And you ask, why? I didn't do it for me. No, I didn't do it for me. I did it for... The Rock! [The Rock is surprised] You see, Rock, I took your keys out of your bag that night, when I went to go check into the hotel. And when I jumped into the car, I saw Stone Cold Steve Austin standing in the middle of the parking lot all alone. And suddenly, everything flashed right through my eyes.
 You see, the WWF has always been all about the "Great White Hope"... and I'm talking about such people as Buddy Rogers, people like Bruno Sammartino, people like Bob Backlund, people like Hulk Hogan, and now, people like Stone Cold Steve Austin. You see, the WWF has always let the island boys in, but we were always held back! Now listen to me, Rock, and I really want you to listen to me! And I'm talking about people like your grandfather, a well-respected man, High Chief Peter Maivia, [Rock is visibly shaken at the mention] could have became a WWF Champion, but no, they held him back! People like Jimmy ‘Superfly’ Snuka, could have been a WWF Champion, but no, they held him back! And people like Afa and Sika, Samu, and the Tonga Kid, they were all held back.
 So you see, Rock, I ran Stone Cold over, and I did this for you. I don't expect any favor from you, Rock. No, I don't expect no favors and no payback. Before, I want you people to know all around the world, and set the record straight, that The Rock did not have a damn thing to do with this. I take full responsibility! And you know what, Rock, just you being who you are today is good enough for me and our people. And before I go, one more time, I ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin! And to tell the truth, I'd do it again!
 People, I ask you, what do you consider to be a successful year? For most people, a successful year would be maybe earning a little extra money, or getting a promotion, or maybe spending a little extra time with your families and loved ones. With all respect, that's a bunch of garbage. It's true, it's true. I know that people have obstacles to overcome in their lives. For most people, it's overcoming poverty; for some people, it's overcoming impossible odds, like having accomplished something in your life, being born in a city like Hartford, Connecticut. [Shakes Stephanie's hand] Good job, Steph. Good job. For me, it was accomplishing more in one year than most people will ever accomplish in their whole entire lives.
 Let me take you on a little trip. A pictorial journey, if you will. See, four years ago, I captured the Olympic Gold Medal in the 1996 Olympic Games in Atlanta, Georgia. For most people, after capturing the Olympic Gold Medal, they would call it a career. It's over, done. Thankfully, I'm not most people, and that is true. Four years later, I decided to give it a shot and enter the World Wrestling Federation. "The most celebrated athlete in the World Wrestling Federation," the headlines screamed, and boy, were they on the money!
 [chanting] ASSHOLE!
 [to the crowd] Would you keep it down for a second please?
 A mere two months in the WWF, and I captured my first gold by winning the European Championship. And incredibly, here's the footage, incredibly, tourism grew in Europe 38% from me! Then, only two months later, two months later, I captured the Intercontinental Championship, in this very city, mind you! And I became the first ever EuroContinental Champion in WWF history. Well, besides D'Lo Brown, but he doesn't count, we know that.
 Then four months later, four months later, I not only captured gold, but royalty as well when I was crowned the 2000 King of the Ring. What a memory. Look at that, Steph. Look at that crown and that scepter. And unbelievably, sales of crowns and scepters grew 49%! I couldn't believe it either.
 And then last night, the greatest accomplishment of all, with help from my good friend and business partner, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, I topped the most amazing eleven months in WWF history and became the World Wrestling Federation Champion. We will remember that for a lifetime. That, people, is a successful year. That is what separates great men from supermen. With that in mind, I wrote a little poem in celebration of my victory. The poem is called "What Makes a Man Super-Great", and I'd like to read it to you tonight.
 Greatness comes in many shapes
 Beyond red, white and blue.
 It's the addition of the color gold.
 Yes, indeed, it's true.
 Finally, The Rock has come back to New Jersey! Just as sure as The Rock for the very first time stood in this arena and called [points at] Kevin Kelly an ugly hermaphrodite is just as sure as this Sunday the Rock will be at Hell in a Cell. Now make no mistake this will be the most brutal match The Rock has ever been in. The most dangerous match The Rock has ever been in. The Hell in a Cell. And it doesn't matter, Kevin Kelly, what you call it. Whether it's called a Hell in a Cell, Rage in a Cage, painus in your anus, the only the thing that matters is that The Rock is going in this Sunday night, to do exactly what he does best - layeth the smacketh down and get back The Rock's WWF title.
 And the fact of the matter is this, is that The Rock knows this Sunday night, he has his work cut out for him. The Rock knows, he's got five other guys he's got to compete with. And even if The Rock has got to beat Kurt Angle, which means, [mocks Angle] "I'm gonna drink a big glass of milk, eat some chocolate chip cookies and maybe I'll take three Viagra". Or maybe The Rock has got to face Rikishi, beat Rikishi. [mimics Rikishi's admission] "I did it for The Rock. I did it for the people. I did it for..." oh, shut your mouth, you thong-wearin' fatty!
 Or maybe The Rock has got to beat The Undertaker, the American Badass, beat him so bad, that one more he'll raise up... [does rising from the dead] "Rest in peace!" Or maybe The Rock has got to beat Triple H himself, which [copies HHH drawl]' means-uh, he's got to beat The Game-uh, in the middle of the ring-uh. And he has a two dollar slut for a wife-uh! [normal voice] Or maybe The Rock, has gotta beat... [wears SCSA woodland camo cap and makes Texan drawl] Stone Cold Steve Austin. Which means I gotta get my pick-up truck, drink some Steve-wisers, listen to some Backstreet Boys. And that's the bottom line, 'cause the Great One said so! [normal] One more thing, this Sunday night at Armageddon, The Rock is gonna do all he can to win the WWF title. If ya smell... what The Rock is cooking!!
 [Vince McMahon wanted to deliver the State of the WWF Address, but gets sprawled on the ring thanks to Austin, The Rock, and the Undertaker]
 [crouches down at Vince] Vince... jeez, not a good day isn't it? I mean, you've been Stone Cold Stunnered, you've been Rock Bottomed, hell you even went for the Last Ride! So I guess, there's really only one thing left to do. [pulls out Mr Socko and goes around the ring before going down on one knee. mouths off Mr Socko in tinny voice] Kiss my fat ass, Vince [normal voice] and have a nice day!
 Hello again, everybody, and welcome to the World Wrestling Federation. We're live here in D.C., I'm Jim Ross, and...
 They already know who you are, so tell them who I am now.
 I'm joined by Paul Heyman.
 You're joined by Paul Heyman, because last Tuesday night, The Kat was released by the WWF, and her husband Jerry "The King" Lawler, to his credit, walked out right alongside with her. But where there's chaos, J.R., there is opportunity. And tonight, just like TNN threw off ECW for the WWF, the King is gone, and his chair is Paul E., and the E is for EXTREME! How's that? Not bad, huh?
 I don't know what I did to deserve this...
 The war is finally over, and Vince McMahon is the winner.
 [Vince McMahon gloats over him buying WCW... but Shane appears, revealing that he's over at the WCW Nitro finale]
 What's up Vince? Surprise Dad, you're in Cleveland, Ohio, and I'm here in Panama City Beach, Florida, standing in a WCW ring and as usual Dad, your ego has gotten the best of you. Your ego has gotten the best of you. I mean, Dad, you wanted to have the audacity to finalize this deal - WCW - at WrestleMania? You wanted to have the audacity to ask Ted Turner himself to come down and finalize that deal? Well, Dad, that was just the opportunity I was looking for, because Dad, the deal has been finalized with WCW and the name on the contract does say "McMahon." [WCW fans pop] However, the contract reads, "Shane McMahon."
 [Vince is stunned]
 [on commentary] Oh my God! I don't believe it!
 That's right, Dad, I now own WCW! And Dad, just like WCW did in the past--how it kicked your ass in the past and it will again. That's exactly what's gonna happen to you this Sunday, at WrestleMania!
 I can't believe what we have just heard! Shane McMahon has bought WCW! And Mr. McMahon is in absolute shock!
 Undertaker! Like the Diamond Cutter, you never saw it comin'! Now those of you who know me are asking yourself the question why? Why did I, why did Diamond Dallas Page go after the Undertaker like this? Well I'll tell ya. I'll tell ya exactly why. Because if you wanna make an impact in this business, you go after the biggest, the meanest, the baddest dog in the yard. And once you find that dog, if you wanna get the very best of him, you make it personal - real personal. And then, hey, you find that dog's weakness. Well Taker, you are obviously that dog. And you've been telling people for years that this ring, right here, is your yard. We'll see.
 But, up to a few weeks ago, Taker, you have never shown weakness. I mean, NEVER shown weakness. That is, up until a few weeks ago when you told Stone Cold Steve Austin that if he ever, ever messed with your family, you'd make him famous. Duh! Taker, you idiot, Stone Cold Steve Austin's already famous! But it did get me to thinkin'. Good God. When you said what you said about your family, Dead Man, you didn't sound so dead - as a matter of fact, you sounded very alive. And for you, son, that's a sign of weakness. Taker, think about it. Remember when you used to say, "I've slept through things that make most people's hair turn gray." Remember that? Okay, you didn't say it exactly LIKE that, but you remember that. You also said you weren't afraid of anything. FOUL! I'm gonna call you on that right now. Taker, I'm callin' you a liar! Oh yeah! Oh yeah I am. 'Cause take a look at him now - he's runnin' around his house, lockin' all the windows, lockin' the doors. I can just see him now, calling Vince McMahon this morning. "Mr. McMahon, I can't possibly come in and compete tonight - I can't leave my wife Sara - there's a madman - there's a stalker trying to get to my wife Sara!"
 DDP! Because my whole life, I've wanted to be since I was eight years old, my whole life people have been tellin' me, until you've been to the shizzow, until you've been to the show, until you've been to the very top of our business, you're never really famous. So Taker, trust me, I'm using you to get the top of this business, and you can take it to the bank, whether I gotta buy a ticket or not, I will see you at King of the Ring. You gotta problem with me? Cool. Taker, I'm beggin' ya - make me FAMOUS!
 Billy (Gunn), since you're not really doing anything lately, I was wondering if you could do me a favor. If, in two years' time at the King of the Ring, I'm not defending a title or even in a match, and my very special assignment is to go to WWF New York and eat a meatball sandwich, then please just shoot me in the head.
 [walking backstage] Did you see Tough Enough last Thursday?
 As a matter of fact, I did, and Al, you did a great job, even though I should've been there to help.
 I couldn't agree more...hey, what...what's going on here?
 [They walk up to find several wrestlers around the APA table.]
 Hey, guys, guys, listen up. WCW, now here's a company that, when you came knocking, that wouldn't answer their door for you; here's a company that wouldn't return your phone calls; here's a company that said you wasn't [sic] talented enough to work for them. Then all of the sudden, when the wells run dry and they have to pay for those million and a half dollar homes and those brand new BMWs, those brand new Mercedes, they come running their asses here for us to save 'em. Well, guess what. This is the WWF. We all helped build this house. Now all of the sudden, they want a piece of the pie? I say hell no.
 WCW wants to walk into our house, a house we built, a house you all built? You guys are on the World Wrestling Federation roster; it took some of you years to get here. But you're here now, and that means you're the best in the world at what you do. And now, these guys from WCW, because they couldn't make it on their own, want to come ridin' piggyback off of us 'cause we're the only show in town? Well, let's make this perfectly clear. Diamond Dallas Page, Booker T, Mike Awesome, everybody from WCW, you can go straight to Hell. We'll meet your ass there, we'll kick it there too!
 Whatever you thought about us in the past, whatever you think about us now doesn't really matter. We've stood alone before. What I'm asking you is this. We're asking you to show why you're on this roster, we're asking you to stand up for what you have built. There's going to be a fight. I know there's gonna be a fight because we're gonna start it! There's gonna be some beer gettin' drunk, there's gonna be some asses gettin' kicked, but most of all, it's time we got medieval on somebody's ass!
 [Vince McMahon is shocked at the WCW and ECW groups seemingly together and mauling the WWF group]
 Hey Dad, you want to know what is going on? Can't you see what is happening? I said I could never ever compete with your checkbook, but I can outsmart you and that's exactly what I've done tonight. That's exactly what we did tonight. You see Dad back in the locker room you told me that I will be personally responsible for everything that happens out here tonight. And you know what Dad, you're right. I'm personally responsible for all of this. I'm personally responsible for WCW. I am personally responsible for ECW being here tonight.
 How do you like that Vince? HUH!? How do you like it now!?!?
 and I am personally responsible for the MERGER of WCW and ECW coming together tonight! So, Dad, at InVasion, this new entity, WCW and ECW is gonna kick the WWF's ass! Oh yeah, I got one more thing for you, one more. And I am also personally responsible and privileged to introduce you to the new owner of ECW. I believe you know this person quite well. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up...for Vince's daughter Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley! [Vince reacts as Triple H intro music "My Time" plays and slowly turns around to see Stephanie passing him]
 The new owner of WCW. Oh my God, Shane owns WCW and the princess, Vince's little baby girl, now owns ECW. For the love of God, the sins of the father are costing us all in the WWF! I do not believe this! July 9th, 2001 - a date that will live in sports entertainment infamy!
 [The Alliance leaders are happy with Steve Austin walking out on Vince at the previous SmackDown! show]
 I'm so excited for Booker T to rip off Chris Jericho's head tonight and again this Sunday, at InVasion!
 I love her enthusiasm [to Shane McMahon] Shane, think about it. This Sunday at InVasion Inaugural Brawl, it's our five best against their five best and their very best, Stone Cold Steve Austin, ain't at his best anymore now, is he?
 Now let's get down to out five best that we're in agreement. [counts on fingers] Booker T.
 Right.
 DDP...
 Right.
 The Dudley Boyz, and Rhino...
 GORE! GORE! GORE!
 Will represent us this Sunday.
 WCW and ECW.
 This Sunday, sports entertainment as we know it, the course of it, will be changed forever.
 [Vince, the Undertaker, and the APA meet the entire WWF locker room]
 All right guys, listen up here for a minute, please.
 Hey, hey. I'm sure y'all saw what happened here tonight. Look, they still don't damn get it. But you know what, tonight we're gonna show their asses that we mean business. [wrestlers murmur in assent]
 These second-rate sons of bitches wanna ride piggyback offa us, 'cause they can't make it on their own? Then tell 'em to bring their little inVasion on, because starting tonight, we ain't takin' this shit no more. It's TIME we got knee-deep in somebody's ass! [wrestlers get agitated]
 Guys, let me just say this, that - make no mistake about what's going down here tonight - make no mistake about what's gonna happen this Sunday, 'cause no one in this room has ever been threatened personally...like you're threatened now. None of us have ever been threatened collectively like we're threatened now. This coalition of WCW and ECW - they wanna eat each and every one of you alive. They wanna do it tonight, and they wanna finish us off on Sunday. Now I was hoping that we were gonna have someone with us tonight to lead the way, Stone Cold Steve Austin.
 To HELL with all that! I've heard all of that I'm gonna hear. What it's time for is to find out who the phony tough is and who's the crazy brave. Austin - he's made a hell of a name for himself here in the WWF, and now he don't have the heart to go out and to fight for the company that made him? I say the HELL with him! The rest of you, you need to understand this - there's no shame in goin' out and fightin' and gettin' your ass kicked. There's no honor in not fighting at all. So who wants to fight? [wrestlers murmur] WHO WANTS TO FIGHT??!? [wrestlers get agitated and Undertaker quiets them as a staff member brings in Freddie Blassie on a wheelchair]
 Gentlemen, there comes a time when every man must fight for what he believes in! [rises from wheelchair] You understand? Now's the time! Get up, stand up, and fight! [wrestlers get louder]
 Fight!! FIGHT!!!!
 [at a bar, Austin is so unnerved by footage of the gathering that he moves balls around a pool table and smashes a cue before leaving]
 Steve! Where are you going??
 [The Rock appears after winning the WCW title]
 The Rock supposedly doesn't care about the history of the WCW? The Rock doesn't care about history of the WCW Title? Well The Rock knows damn well the history of the WCW Title. The Rock knows that the title traces back to Frank Gotch, Lou Thesz, Ricky Steamboat, and - woooooooooo! - Ric Flair! The Rock also knows damn well, what in recent years the WCW title has come to... Diamond Dallas Page? Booker T? The guy from Scream 2, the dog from Married with Children, the maid from The Jeffersons! Shane McMahon, this WCW title is just like your sister, everybody gets [makes finger-petting motion] a turn!
 [Vince McMahon is not too pleased to see Ric Flair and demands an explanation]
 The explanation that I'm gonna give you all revolves around the fact that I bet on a winner last night! Woooo!
 What the hell are you talking about?
 I sat home, wooo!! on the big side of town, in that big house, and I bet on a winner last night. But [to Kurt Angle] Kurt Angle, let me just say this to you. You're a man who's got an Olympic gold medal, you got a legacy, you're an ambassador, this is no way you want to win the World title. Be Kurt Angle, be the gold medal winner, and be a man that wins by beating the best man.
 So you came down here 'cause its your hometown to give us your opinion. How nice, Mr Flair. Nice to see you, now goodbye.
 You want, you want me to just cut it to the quick right away? I bet on a winner last night, and do you know, that when Shane and Stephanie sold their stock to that consortium, that the consortium... wooo!! [takes off coat, goes on rope, makes the strut, and swings off rope before going back to Vince] The consortium was me, and now you and I, are limousine-ridin', jet-flyin', kiss-stealin', wheeling-dealin' son of a guns! You know why? Because we're partners! [embraces Vince briefly]
 What?!!
 Oh my god...Flair and McMahon are partners?!!?
 [in interview with Jonathan Coachman] The fact of the matter is this. Big Show, I'm 'bout to come out here and pull an Allen Iverson on your punk ass and show you why you don't put your hands on the [counts fingers on hand] five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time WCW Champion! Now can you dig that... [looks over and looks like he's seeing a ghost, but it's actually...]
 [shaking Booker's hand] Booker T, so good to see you again, my friend.
 [to Coach after Eric walks off] Tell me I didn't just see that.
 We stand here tonight on the sacred ground of the world's most famous arena, Madison Square Garden. And, you can take Bruno Sammartino, Superstar Billy Graham, Hollywood Hulk Hogan...you can combine them all and they STILL don't equal this man. And the funniest thing about it is, I TOLD YOU SO! And none of you would listen to me! I told you Brock Lesnar was the Next Big Thing, and none of you would listen. I told you Brock Lesnar would win the King of the Ring, and none of you would listen to me. I told you that Brock Lesnar would destroy the myth of Hulkamania, none of you would listen to me! I told you Brock Lesnar would beat the Rock for the Undisputed title at SummerSlam, and none of you would listen to me! Well you think by now, you people would learn to listen!
 There is no one better than Ric Flair.
 And all of the things Flair represents, I am today. I have taken all of those attributes and I have put them into the ultimate package. I have put them into a body that every man out there wishes he had and every single one of you women out there wants to be with. You top that off with a mind made for this business and you get the greatest Ring General of all time. You get the best that there is. You get The Game. You get the World Heavyweight Champion. Trust me, trust me when I tell you that there is only one diamond in this business, and baby, you’re looking at him.
 But evolution always continues, and you have to look to the future. And I look to you, Dave Batista. 6'5", 325 pounds of genetic stopping power! Unbridled destruction! In a war, when all seems lost, you take out your biggest gun and you blow them all away.
 And Randy Orton. The business in his blood. Third-generation Superstar, the man has every gift a man can be given. Raw, raw genetic talent. Randy Orton is the diamond-[correcting himself] Randy Orton is the coal that will be squeezed into the next diamond.
 Evolution has just passed you by.
 Damn you, Steve Austin! Damn you anyway! How do you feel now? Are you proud of yourself now, Austin? How did that make you feel?! That wasn't Kane who put the match to Jim Ross! That wasn't Kane who poured gasoline on him! That wasn't Kane who set Jim Ross on fire, dammit! It was YOU! This is YOUR fault! Yours and yours alone! And I've got news for you; I got a call from Linda McMahon! Next week, in Los Angeles, in the ring you're standing in right now, she is going to fire your ass! Fire you! Damn you to hell anyway, Steve Austin! Damn, you, straight, to, hell!!
 [Eric Bischoff has had enough of Triple H and Shawn Michaels, who are being restrained by other wrestlers from mauling each other in the ring]
 That is it, that is enough! Triple H, Shawn Michaels...at Bad Blood, it is going to be has a.. [Triple H breaks out and attacks Shawn and the wrestlers still push to stop them]
 Well look out!
 Triple H breaking loose before Bischoff had to finish what he was gonna say.
 Triple H is a man of his word. He said he was gonna destroy Michaels here tonight, he'll do it!
 ENOUGH!! [everybody stops] At Bad Blood, it will be Triple H versus Shawn Michaels...HELL IN A CELL!!!
 Oh my God, oh my- that's what Michaels wanted! Hell in a Cell!!
 Can you believe this?
 No.
 It's supposed to be the biggest night in Batista's career. It's supposed to be the biggest night in the history of Evolution, Ric. This is the first night, this is where it all happens. You and I are gonna run this business, and it all starts tonight. After everything we've done for him, and tonight of all nights, he has the guts to be over two hours late?
 Champ, you have bent over backwards for him! You created Batista! You made him! You put him in a position to make a huge amount of impact on this industry! You did it!
 I've done more than you even know.
 You have?
 Yeah.
 Like what? Stuff I don't know?
 You know how hard it is to get footage from Smackdown of JBL and Big Show, and get it put into Raw? It's not easy. And do you know how hard it is to find a white limousine and get those stupid big horns put on the front to make Dave think that JBL was trying to run him over?
 Wait, wait, wait, wait, you orchestrated that last week, the limousine almost running over Dave?
 Hey, relax, relax, hold on. Now, it's not like I was trying to have him killed. I was just trying to light a fire under him, for his own good. Listen, sometimes, Dave is not smart enough to know what's good for him. Just trying to ensure that he made the right decision tonight [Ric's jaw drops] and went to Smackdown.
 Oh...my...God, there have been times when I thought you were a genius, I've even told people you were a genius, but now, I know you're a genius! God, that's the greatest thing I've ever heard in my life! You know that?! Oh my God, WOO! WOO! No wonder they call you the Cerebral Assassin! Champ, that's the greatest move I've ever seen, and I've been around a long time.
 Ric! Yeah, it's a great plan, but it's all for nothing if the big idiot gets here tonight and decides to be selfish and stay on Raw. Batista needs to do what's right for Evolution. What's right for Evolution is right for Batista, and what's right for Batista is for him to go to Smackdown. [Camera begins pulling back] Now, when he gets here, we need to make sure...
 You are clever beyond the word "clever." You are a gen... You may be the most intelligent human being I've ever met in my life.
 [As Ric speaks, it is revealed that Batista has been listening outside the door]
 to be the man, you gotta beat that man, Triple H! [Triple H shakes his head at Batista] And this is your opportunity.
 So Batista, this isn't really a question. It's a simple thing. Sign the contract, reach your dreams.
 Whoa, whoa, whoa, just a minute. Just a minute. Now, Batista, actually, there is a choice. Now, you can sign this contract and come to Smackdown. Now, we all... You can't tell me that you didn't feel the electricity when you walked out on No Way Out last night. Now, we all saw what you could do to the WWE Champion, JBL. We also saw the magic when you stared John Cena in the eye.
 one day, it could be Batista one-on-one with the Undertaker!
 But you know something, player? In order for this to happen, you have to sign this contract. Now, you beat JBL, you beat John Cena in a Triple Threat Match at WrestleMania 21, and I assure you that your career will blow up on SmackDown. Now, it's time for you to make that decision, player.
 [Theodore hands the contract to Batista, who now holds both. He grabs the pen on the Smackdown contract]
 Dave, this shouldn't be a very difficult decision for you, 'cause there's really only one person that you need to listen to. See, because it's not [looks at Eric] what's best for Raw, [turns to Theodore] and it's not about what's best for Smackdown. It's about one thing, big man. It's about what's best for you. It's about what's best for Batista, man. And I don't want you to worry about Ric and myself, 'cause hey, what's best for Batista will be best for Evolution.
 I want you to picture something, Dave. Imagine this. It's WrestleMania 21, it's all said and done, and I'm standing in the middle of this ring still the World Heavyweight Champion, and standing right next to me is the new WWE Champion, Batista. Think about it, Dave. We would rule the world. We would answer to no one, man. Everything we ever dreamed of. You know how big that is?
 Think about it like this. It's 1986, the Four Horsemen are running wild, Ric Flair is the NWA Champion! But what if...what if Arn Anderson were the WWE Champion, huh? They would've been unstoppable. But it never happened.
 Think about it like this. DX in our prime, on top of our game, Shawn Michaels is the WWE Champion! What if I had been the WCW Champion? We could have written history. You see that, Dave? But it never happened. You and I, you and I have an opportunity to make history, and we owe it to ourselves to do it.
 Now, Dave, I don't want you to be concerned about Bradshaw, I don't want you to be concerned about Cena, because I know deep inside of my heart, you could beat both those guys at the same time like that. You see, Dave, we have an opportunity to do the greatest thing that has ever been done in this industry. We owe it to ourselves, we owe it to the world, you and I, to walk that aisle with the "Nature Boy" Ric Flair, side-by-side, owning this business.
 Doesn't seem like a difficult decision to me at all, Dave. It really doesn't. And I've got a feeling...you know what you want to do, big man. Don't you? You know what you want to do.
 Hunter, I've known what I was gonna do for a long time.
 [Batista looks at the contracts and throws the Raw contract to the ground. Eric lowers his head in sadness. Triple H and Ric cheer Batista, giving him thumbs up. Batista gives one right back, then slowly turns it down. He attacks both, tossing Ric out of the ring]
 Ooh, Batista!
 What is he doing?!
 My god, Batista, the thumbs-down to the world's champion! Evolution's Animal!
 Jerry He almost took Triple H's head off, and he's dumped Naitch out of the ring! Wait a minute! [Batista sets Triple H up...] Wait a minute, Batista, what are you doing?! If you do this, there's no turning back!
 [Batista powerbombs Triple H through the table]
 God almighty! What a big powerbomb through the table! The world's champion through the table!
 [Batista picks up the Raw contract and signs it over Triple H's prone body]
 Hunter, I'm staying right here on Raw, and at WrestleMania, I'm taking the World Championship... from you!
 Well, the deal is done. The untamed spirit of the animal known as Batista has made his decision. Batista will stay on Raw, and Batista will go to WrestleMania 21. And if the deal is set and granted, Batista will come for the world's title against The Game, and it's gonna happen at WrestleMania 21.
 I came out here with an agenda tonight, to make a statement. And the reason is that WrestleMania 21 is less than five weeks away. We've already announced some of the biggest matches in Mania history. From Batista vs. Triple H for the World Championship, from Cena to JBL for the WWE Championship, Michaels has challenged Angle, Hogan's in the Hall of Fame, Stone Cold Steve Austin on Piper's Pit. Everybody wants to make an impact, so do I; everybody wants to be a part of history, so do I. I have an idea for a match to do that. It's a match that involves Y2J, five other elite WWE Superstars, a chance of a lifetime, and most importantly, one very big solid steel ladder.
 What do you think about Mr. McMahon rehiring Matt Hardy?
 JR, what do I think about Vince McMahon's decision, Mr. McMahon's decision to rehire Matt Hardy? You know what? I think it's genius. Yeah. It's a moneymaking match. Here's a little known fact, though. You see, I actually went to Vince and I asked him to rehire Matt. Yeah. You see, because, with what I want to do to Matt Hardy, if I did that on the streets, what I'm gonna do at SummerSlam, I'd be in jail. You see, at SummerSlam, you're gonna witness legalized assault. Which is why I resent us being sequestered into this dressing room. You know, Matt Hardy has been re-signed to Raw and the lunatic is running around. Well, he's the one out of control, not me. But that's fine, that's cool, and Eric Bischoff wants to put security guards on the door, to protect us. We don't need the protection, he does! So I'm gonna ask them to leave, I want them to go. Yeah. I want them to get out of here, because Matt, I'm begging, I'm PLEADING, I want you to come in here. Come into the dressing room, come on BARGING in. Because you know what'll happen? You'll probably [mockingly] break down and have yourself a little cry, won't you Matt?
 You see, I saw your promo last week, Matt, and I think it was PATHETIC! It was absolutely pathetic, after all the months of dragging our names through the mud, our personal lives out there for everyone to see, AND THAT'S ALL YOU CAN MUSTER UP FROM YOUR STOMACH, FROM YOUR GUTS?! Well, my hands are shaking and it's from hate, it's from real emotion, Matt! [Points at his eyes] This is passion, this is intensity! This is real!
 I see why Lita left you for me. You know, you said last week you wanted me to get into a car accident. You see, for me, it's the opposite. I want you to be nice and safe, Matt. You get in the car and you strap that seat belt in tight. I want you 100%. Because at SummerSlam, I'm going to prove that you don't measure up to me as a man to me in any way. In any way. You whined and complained, and you bitched and moaned last week saying Lita was the girl of your dreams. You wanted to marry her. Matt, you were with her for six years but you never proposed. So let me fill in the blanks here, I figured it out. You see, nobody comes before Matt Hardy and his "wrestling legacy." I heard you say it! Nothing comes before V1.
 So with that being said, Matt, you should thank me. It sounds strange, but you should thank me. You see, you've never gotten reactions like this before in your career. You're in the main event picture now, and why? Why? Because you're riding my coattails in. Yeah. You see, when you were defending the Cruiserweight Championship, running around with your little MFers, me, I was fighting Kurt Angle. Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, I EARNED MY MAIN EVENT STRIPES! I deserve to be where I am. And why are you here? Because your girlfriend fell in love with a main eventer. Yeah. So Matt Hardy, the main event spotlight, it's shining on ya! Your 15 minutes in the spotlight, it's shining on ya, and I know it feels good. Well, we're 13 minutes into and time is slowly ticking away. And at SummerSlam, Matt, I end it. Now I know that cuts close to the bone, I know it does, and I know it hurts. The truth usually does.
 My memories of Eddie Guerrero have nothing to do with wrestling, nothing to do with the ring, because I never wrestled the man. It's all about faith. Eddie and I had a lot of wonderful talks about our faith, we were both born-again Christians, and the one thing I do know, we are assured of, that Eddie's last breath here was his first breath in eternity; and Eddie Guerrero and "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels will someday get to wrestle in what is the very biggest stage of them all and it isn't WrestleMania, it is in the heavenlies in front of a crowd of one, and that is the lord of lords and the king of kings, Jesus Christ. And I want to thank Eddie Guerrero for always being there to be able to share that common faith with and to let him know that he did something that nobody has ever been able to do in the history of this business, and that is bring everybody in the WWE, from the top man to the bottom guy, bring them all together in prayer in the name of Jesus, and Eddie Guerrero left his last and greatest witness here with us today. And Eddie, I want to say God bless you and I will see you again, my friend.
 You (Jerry Lawler) want to apologize? Like nothing happened. Like you didn't knock me on my ass in front of millions of people worldwide, and I'm gonna come down there and work with you. I'm not coming back, and now thanks to the magic of live television, I’m gonna show the whole world why, for seven years in ECW, I was the unscripted, uncensored, loose cannon of commentary! Six months ago, WWE called me. I didn’t call this company because I was looking for a job. I didn’t need a job. WWE called me because they had humiliated and fired…again, Jim Ross. So I get JR’s spot, and from week one, week after week, I've got an ongoing lecture about the differences in professional wrestling and sports entertainment. I'm not allowed to say "pro wrestling," I'm not allowed to say "wrestler." I have to say "sports entertainment" and refer to the wrestlers as "superstars." I'm told to deliberately ignore the moves and the holds during the matches so I can tell stories. Well, ignoring the moves and the holds is damn insulting to the athletes, the wrestlers, not the entertainers who leave their families 300 days a year to ply their craft in that ring! Here’s the best part. Because I’m not a sports entertainment storyteller, I get pulled from Wrestlemania, and the reason I’m given is, is because I don’t sound like Jim Ross, who’s the guy they fired in the first place. That makes sense, right? So I swallow the bitter pill, I’m a company guy. I get bumped from Wrestlemania. Then I get bumped from Backlash? I'm not good enough to call Backlash? In ECW, I called live pay-per-views on my own, solo, no color commentators dragging me down. Wasn't done before me, hasn't been done since! But I'm not good enough to call Backlash because I’m not a sports entertainment storyteller. Well, you know what? I am sick of sports entertainment. I am sick of male cheerleaders. I am sick of boogers and bathroom humor and semen, and I am sick of our chairman, who likes to talk about his own semen, he mocks God… he mocks God! And makes out with the divas all to feed his own insatiable ego. I am sick of sports entertainment, and most of all, I am sick of you fans who actually buy into that crap! This sports entertainment circus! I never needed this job, and I don’t want this job anymore. [Joey takes the collar bearing the WWE logo off the microphone.] I quit!
 A no, no, no, no, a no, no, no, no, a no, no, no, No rematch Ric! Yeah!
 He's out of my life, damned indecision and cursed pride. And it cuts like a knife, you're out of my life! You washed-up piece of crap! Yeah!
 What has become of Ric Flair? You see I'm in a state of disbelief because I watched Raw last Monday and found it hard to believe that Ric Flair resorted to calling me "Fat Boy". Fat Boy, a name so effective he chose to use it twice and I have to admit the name hurt. Yeah, the name "Fat Boy" hurt when my brother used it on me 30 years ago. What has become of Ric Flair? You see it hurts me worse than anything just to see Ric Flair proving to the world, one of the all time great performers in our business, proving to the world that he had the creativity, the originality and the intellect of the average fourth grader. What has become of Ric Flair!? You see I thought I was going on a journey to meet the Great and Powerful Oz! And it turns out instead I see a weak and feeble man operating behind a curtain, digging into a bag of cliches because he's got nothing left to offer! "To be the man, you've got to beat the man!" "I'm a 16-time world champion!" "All night long!" blah blah blah. You make me sick Ric! What has become of you!? You've reduced yourself to being a second-rate circus side show, falling on thumbtacks on an ECW show, all in vain attempt to lure me back into the ring! It's not gonna work! What part of "no" did you not understand? I won't fight you here, there, or anywhere. What has become of you Ric Flair!? Because now not only are you a second-rate freak show, but you've resorted to attacking innocent, beautiful defenseless women. And even worse, Ric Flair, the woman you chose to attack was a friend of mine! Which means I'll be coming to New Jersey, Ric Flair, but I won't be coming to wrestle, but I will be coming to look you in the ring face to face and air our differences in a very public venue. And I swear to your Ric, you leave the cliches at home and you bring your heart and your mind or I will swat you away and embarrass you in front on national TV, you washed-up piece of crap! I'll see you next Monday on Raw! Yeah!
 [Referring to Chris Benoit's death] It's really confusing. I don't understand things like this, and I don't know if I ever will.
 What the hell was all that?
 I gotta be honest with you. I mean, I feel like I'm getting a little old for this. I don't know who writes this garbage, but this is the worst debacle since that whole Katie Vick years ago.
 You got a good point. But the thing is, I don't think anybody writes this crap—they're on strike. [The crowd cheers] But we're not!
 WOOOO! Last night, I wrestled my very last match at WrestleMania. I will never, ever, wrestle in this ring again. [The crowd boos this] Please... please... I... I... I'm not sad about not wrestling. You shouldn't be sad about the fact that you're not gonna see me out here. You should rejoice in the fact that I HAVE HAD THE GREATEST WRESTLING CAREER IN THE HISTORY OF PRO WRESTLING! [The crowd erupts at this] And last night, even though I lost, I lost to a great, great, great wrestler and a better man! [The crowd boos at mention of Shawn Michaels] It's true... Rejoice in the fact that I have wrestled in front of more fans, raised more hell, had more fun, and loved all of you every day of my life! I swear to God! I've been teared up all day long with the thought of not being able to come out here anymore, but I'm off! I'm off, and I'm in a good place, and I love you! [As he speaks, "Thank you, Ric" chants start within the crowd] Please... Let me say to you, I wanna thank you for the memories, thank you for the support, and most of all, thank you all for making me who I am today. WOOOO! WOOOO! WOOOO! [begins to leave, until he is cut off by the music and arrival of Triple H]
 ] TULLY BLANCHARD! J.J. DILLON! ARN ANDERSON! BARRY WINDHAM! THE FOUR HORSEMEN!
 [As the aforementioned Horsemen enter the ring and embrace Flair] This will be the first time the Horsemen have been together since 1988. All four of them in the ring. [No further commentary is uttered.]
 Anybody left that wants to come out here and say thank you to Ric Flair, come on out! ["...To Be Loved" by Papa Roach, then the Raw theme, plays as the locker room empties, line up on the ramp and chant "Thank you, Ric" with the audience]
 Yes, I do have a question, I'm gonna get to that. But first I wanna make a little observation. I mean, like we just heard, obviously our fans, they love you no matter what it is you do. [to the cheering fans] No matter what, right? Case in point, you feigned a knee injury for almost a month, you blatantly lied about it to me, you lied to Batista...
 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Now that might be splitting hairs here, but I was very clear about the fact that I was gonna do whatever it took to win...and I did that. I didn't lie to Batista, I didn't lie to the people. Technically, the only person I lied to was...you.
 All right, fair enough, I'll...I'll take that. Touche. Regardless of all that, when you finally admitted the truth and super-kicked me right in the face, you got cheered more than ever. I mean, it's... [off the cheers] see? I mean, I'm adored by the fans as well, but not even I could get away with that one. And when I pointed out your fabrication of the truth, suddenly I got booed. [The crowd boos] See? You pull a fast one on 'em and they adore you, and yet whenever I try to do the right thing, whether it be tell the truth or not hit you with a chair, not hit JBL with a chair, I got booed. You know. It seems like our fans, even the ones here, would rather boo an honest man and cheer for you. I mean, it doesn't take much to get them to start chanting, "HBK!" You know, it's...HBK, HBK!
 [chants] HBK!
 So that brings us to my question, and my question is this. How does Shawn Michaels, HBK, one of the greatest performers of all time and one of the most highly-decorated superstars in the history of this business, turn into such a lying, cheating, pathetic little worm of a human being?
 [outside the WWE Superstars Locker Room] When I first came to World Wrestling Entertainment, not a single person respected me. Not anyone out in the WWE universe, and not anyone in the WWE locker room. Everybody wanted to get rid of me. Nobody could stand me! They made my life a living hell. As a matter of fact, in this very locker room I got kicked out for eating a piece of chicken over a referee’s bag and spilling some crumbs.
 [Walks away] For 6 months, 6 months, I was banned from the WWE locker room. I would have to find a place to change, a place to shower, a place to use the restroom. I walked down these halls and see superstars like JBL. And everyday that JBL saw me, he would sarcastically say, "Miz, I look forward to your amazing work! Miz, you are a gift from God, Miz!"
 Everybody berated me. Everybody ridiculed me. Everybody wanted me to quit. But all that negativity, I used as fuel to ignite a wrath against everyone in the WWE to become the star I am today. Now I don't even go in that locker room because I have a private dressing room just for me. That locker room is for the Evan Bournes and the MVPs. [He is now on the arena floor] The same MVP that is the #1 contender for the United States Championship. So congratulations, MVP. You have earned the right to join a long list of people to get publicly humiliated by me.
 MVP doesn't even deserve to be in the same ring as me. [He is now in the ring] If it was up to me, MVP would still be in jail. I don't believe in second chances, because I have been perfect my entire life. Yet you mistakes all still boo me and cheer him. Well, go ahead, boo me, cheer MVP, I don't care. I'd rather you all hate me for everything I am, than love me for something I'm not! I am the reason you people watch Monday Night RAW, not MVP! I am the most captivating and entertaining superstar on this brand, not MVP!
 MVP comes out here with his glitz and glam, his pyro, his ballin'. He's got Breitling diamond watches, designer suits. That's great MVP, because let's face facts, MVP. You could put diamonds on a dog, but it's still a mutt. All you mistakes will respect me, everybody in that locker room will respect their United States Champion! Because I'm The Miz...and I'm...AWESOME!
 I told you. I told you all. I...told...you...all I would be Champion!
 You thought Randy Orton and Wade Barrett was the story; you thought John Cena being fired was the story; and then The Miz, Mr. Money in the Bank, comes out, cashes in, and he tells the world that he is the true story. He is the WWE Champion.
 Ladies and gentlemen, the Era of Awesomeness has begun on Monday Night Raw!
 You may to have to bear with me a little bit. I’m probably gonna ramble and not make much sense, but just please bear with me. A lot of people think that the WWE doesn't hurt. That what we do, maybe it’s done with smoke and mirrors, and I wish that were true. But anybody in that locker room, anybody who has ever stepped foot in here, laced up a pair of boots—they know that’s not the case.
 Which brings me to what I am about to tell you. Eight years ago, I broke my neck. I had spinal fusion surgery, which means they move your throat over, they put a plate in there, and screws, and it’s really in-depth surgery. But because of that surgery, I knew that I was...I was wrestling on borrowed time from that point on. So fast forward, and...the last, the last little while, I’ve been in a lot of pain. I...I’ve been losing feeling in my arms. So...I passed strength tests and all of those things, and I made it through WrestleMania. But the WWE wanted me to go get more tests. And thankfully I did, because the MRI showed that...that I have to retire. [The crowd is visibly shocked] I mean, trust me, it’s not my choice. The doctors have told me that I got no choice. And thankfully, they found out because I’m not gonna end up in a wheelchair now.
 [The crowd starts cheering for him, chanting "Thank you, Edge."]
 This is a little bit tougher than I thought it was gonna be. So, you know...thank you, guys.
 I’ll tell ya, this has been an emotional roller coaster of a week for me and I’m not going to lie. I felt sorry for myself. I...until I talked to Christian. And for those of you who don’t know, Christian has been my best friend for 27 years. And you see I was angry, I was angry at myself, I was angry at my body. Because I felt like there’s a lot of people in this company that depend on me, and I felt like I was letting them down. I felt like I was letting you guys down. But then, you know, I was upset too, because I did not feel like I was ending this on my terms. But he reminded me that, that I have competed my whole career on my terms.
 I...you know, I’m still like all of you. I am a huge fan of the WWE. Every month, Christian and I would go down to the Maple Leaf Gardens and we would watch all of our favorites. We would watch The Legion of Doom, we’d watch Demolition, we’d watch...we’d watch Hulk Hogan, we’d watch all of them and just be enthralled. And then I went to WrestleMania VI and I watched Hulk Hogan against The Ultimate Warrior, and I said, “I’m doing this one day.” And you know what? Fast forward a whole bunch of years, and I’m main eventing WrestleMania against The Undertaker. There’s no way I ever would have dreamed of that. There’s no way if you told me when I was eleven years old that I would win more championships than anyone in the history of this company, no way I would've believed you. And if you had told me that my last match would be at WrestleMania in one of the main events defending the World Heavyweight Championship, and that I’d be retiring as the World Heavyweight Champion. Man, I couldn't dream of a better way to go out. I really couldn't.
 You know, I...I started in the WWE when I was 23. I mean, I have been doing this for 19 years, 14 of them with the WWE. My first match was May 10th, 1996 at Hamilton’s Copps Coliseum. And...I was 23 years old, and I feel like I've grown up in front of all of you. I feel like I've made a whole lot of mistakes in front of you. I've learned from them, and I've become a man in front of you. I've gone from being the silent guy running around the streets of New York with a trench coat that was way too small for him, to a pseudo-vampire in The Brood, to one of the funny, goofy guys along with Christian, posing for the benefit of those with flash photography. I became one of the most despised guys in the history of the WWE. As a matter of fact, I got thrown in the Long Island Sound. I had a live sex celebration, thankfully with Lita and not Vickie Guerrero. And I would hope that through it all, I've earned the respect of everyone in that locker room. And I hope that I've earned all of your respect. Because no matter what, no matter what, I came out here and I tried to give you guys as much as I had every single night. And in turn, you guys gave it right back to me.
 So, I’m gonna miss all of this. All of it. I’m gonna miss that reaction when I hear my music and I come out on the ramp. It’s like a shot of adrenaline straight to the heart from you guys, and it’s amazing. I can’t describe it. But, that being said, I don’t have to wear tights tomorrow and I am gonna go eat a whole lot of ice cream tonight. But if you asked me if I would do all of this again. All the way back from getting hired by J.R. If you asked me if I’d travel all the roads, log all the miles, hop on all the flights, all the sleepless nights, all the surgeries, all of the injuries, the metal rods in my teeth, all of it. If you asked me if I’d do it again…in a heartbeat. So, thank you, thank you very much.
 John Cena, while you lay there hopefully as uncomfortable as you possibly can be, I want you to listen to me. I want you to digest this because before I leave in three weeks with your WWE Championship, I have a lot of things I want to get off my chest. I don't hate you, John. I don't even dislike you. I do like you; I like you a hell lot more than I like most people in the back. I hate this idea that you're the best...because you're not. I'm the best. I'm the best in the world. There's one thing you're better at than I am, and that's kissing Vince McMahon's ass. You're as good at kissing Vince's ass as Hulk Hogan was. I don't know if you're as good as Dwayne though—he's a pretty good ass-kisser, always was and still is. [Turns to camera and waves] Whoops, I'm breaking the fourth wall.
 I am the best wrestler in the world. I've been the best ever since day one when I walked into this company, and I've been vilified and hated since that day because Paul Heyman saw something in me that nobody else wanted to admit. That's right, I'm a Paul Heyman guy. You know who else was a Paul Heyman guy? Brock Lesnar, and he split just like I'm splitting, but the biggest difference between me and Brock is I'm going to leave with the WWE Championship.
 I've grabbed so many of Vincent K. McMahon's imaginary brass rings that it's finally dawned on me that they're just that—they're completely imaginary. The only thing that's real is me, and the fact that day in and day out, for almost six years, I've proved to everybody in the world that I'm the best on this microphone, in that ring, even at commentary! Nobody can touch me! And yet no matter how many times I prove it, I'm not on your lovely little collector cups, I'm not on the cover of the program, I'm barely promoted, I don't get to be in movies, I'm certainly not on any crappy show on the USA Network, I'm not on the poster of WrestleMania, I'm not on the signature that's produced at the start of the show! I'm not on Conan O'Brien, I'm not on Jimmy Fallon, but the fact of the matter is I should be; and trust me, this isn't sour grapes, but the fact that Dwayne is in the main event of WrestleMania next year and I'm not makes me sick!
 00 in the morning at the airport, you try and shove it in my face so you can get an autograph and try to sell it on eBay because you're too lazy to go get a real job!
 I'm leaving with the WWE Championship on July 17, and hell, who knows? Maybe I'll go defend it in New Japan Pro Wrestling. Maybe I'll go back to Ring of Honor. [Waves to camera] Hey, Colt Cabana, how you doing? The reason I'm leaving is you people because after I'm gone, you're still gonna pour money into this company. I'm just a spoke on the wheel, the wheel's gonna keep turning and I understand that. But Vince McMahon's gonna make money despite himself. He's a millionaire who should be a billionaire. You know why he's not a billionaire? It's 'cause he surrounds himself with glad-handing, nonsensical douchebag yes-men like John Laurinaitis who's gonna tell him everything that he wants to hear. And I'd like to think that maybe this company will be better after Vince McMahon's dead, but the fact is it's gonna get taken over by his idiotic daughter and his doofus son-in-law and the rest of his stupid family! Let me tell you a personal story about Vince McMahon. All right. We're doing this whole bullying campaign...[The mic cuts off]
 You wanna have fun? Let's have fun.
 [on the contract] I've got everything in here you want...
 Because my lawyers looked over your contract, Vince, and frankly, it just wasn't up to par, so I had them draw up a new one. I have it right here; my signature's already on it, all you've got to do is sign it. I...do think you should know about a couple new perks that I've added to it. You say you don't think contractual things should happen in public? Let's ask the WWE Universe—you people want this to go down in public? [The crowd cheers] You wanna hear a couple new perks?
 Don't push me.
 What?
 He said, "don't push me." Did you already look at this? Did somebody stooge this off? Because this is actually provision #1—[pushes McMahon in his seat] that I get to push you. Vince, I'll push you all I want..Vince, I'll kick you in the nuts and you'll smile at me and like it, and show me some respect! Because if you don't, I find the nearest paper shredder, I throw this puppy in there, and Sunday, I leave with your WWE Championship.
 Provision #1—for a Superstar such as myself, first class travel is not good enough. I want my own jet. And I don't want your jet—your jet smells, don't try to pawn that thing off on me—I want my own jet.
 [Provision] #2—my face will be on everything. I want my face on the TitanTron, I want my face on these turnbuckles, I want cups, posters, spoons, knives, forks, shoes, socks. I want everything with my face on it; number-one thing I want you to bring back—the WWE Ice Cream Bars. [The crowd cheers and chants "WE WANT ICE CREAM!"] Look at that, I just made you a million dollars in ice cream sales.
 The Movie! You can call it The Chaperone 2, except mine will be funny and entertaining and successful.
 And one last thing—the main event of WrestleMania being John Cena against your buddy Dwayne? That's The Rock, for nobody who watches bad Disney movies. You can still have that little fantasy, but the match that I compete in at WrestleMania will be the main event.
 Those are just a few of many new perks that my lawyers have added to the contract. The last thing that this contract states is that you apologize to me. I know, Vince McMahon doesn't apologize, right? But you will apologize to me for suspending me last week; you will apologize... Hell, you know what? I'm gonna be honest, you're not just apologizing to me, you're apologizing to these people for being one of the biggest hypocrites I've ever seen in my entire life. As far as your anti-bullying campaign goes, you are one of the biggest bullies I've ever met in my entire life, and you will apologize. I have had friends, very talented friends, work for this company and be unceremoniously fired.
 They deserved it!
 They deserved it? They deserved it? Why? Because you don't know what makes a superstar in 2011?! You don't know what these people want?! You wanna punish people for actually liking professional wrestling, guys like Colt Cabana and guys like Luke Gallows?! Huh?! You will apologize to me, for them, because they can't be here right now, and they can't stand up to you, and they can't let their voice be heard! I am CM Punk, and I am the voice of the voiceless, and you will apologize, and you will like it!
 I'm not gonna have you sit here and belittle me. Say I've lost sight? I've lost sight of things, John? The reason I say I'm gonna take that and walk out is because I don't fit a certain mold. Because I am the underdog, and that's exactly what you've lost sight of. Earlier in this ring, you mentioned great wrestlers like Eddie Guerrero and you said that they used to look at you and think that the kid couldn't hang. And now you stand here and look at me as the kid that can't hang. John, I was hanging off of your gangster car, WrestleMania 22, as it rolled down in Chicago, Illinois, and I stood there in a suit looking as ridiculous as [points to Vince McMahon] that man looks right now in his suit, holding a phony Tommy gun, and I said to myself someday, I'm not gonna be standing out there watching you in the ring; I was gonna be standing in the ring watching you go down to CM Punk. And now here we are in your hometown of Boston. And now next week, we'll be back there in my hometown—Chicago, Illinois. And this...this is the part where I talk 'em into the building. See, you are the one that's lost sight, and I apologize for raising my voice because I'm not that guy. But when you stand here and tell me that I've lost sight, when you, the 10-time Champion who stands for hustle, loyalty and respect; who, from Boston, Massachusetts, lives and breathes these red colors, the same colors as your beloved Red Sox, who also portray themselves as the underdog, I'm sure just like the Bruins portray themselves as the underdog. Just like the Patriots think they're the underdog! Hey, how about those Celtics? Are they the underdogs too? Here's what you've lost sight of, John, and I'm really happy that your father and your wife are sitting in the front row so they can hear it!
 That's the last time I'm gonna tell you, ease up.
 What you've lost sight of is what you are, and what you are is what you hate. You're the 10-time WWE Champion! You're the man! Ladies and gentlemen, the Champ is here. You, like the Red Sox, like Boston, are no longer the underdog! You're a dynasty. You are what you hate. You have become the New York Yankees! [John immediately punches Punk, who scoots out of the ring, grabs the contract, and goes up the ramp. Points respectively to Vince and John] You're Steinbrenner, and you might as well be Jeter! Mr. 3000, I'm the underdog! [John's music plays for fourteen seconds] Turn it off! Turn the music off because I have something to say, and I'm positive that everybody here wants to hear it, and everybody sitting at home has their DVRs fired up because they wanna hear it! I'm glad you just punched me in the face, John. I'm glad it went down this way because it hit me like a bolt of lightning—exactly why I no longer wanna be here, why I wanna leave. It's because I'm tired of this. I'm tired of you. I'm just tired. So ladies and gentlemen of the WWE Universe, Vince, John, Sunday night, say goodbye to the WWE Title, say goodbye to John Cena, and say goodbye to CM Punk! [Rips up the contract] I'll go be the best in the world somewhere else.
 Relax, relax, relax, relax. I'm not gonna go on a profanity-ridden tirade. You don't need a seven-second-delay, Kevin. I'm not gonna show my genitalia. I'm not gonna talk bad about your family or your company. And I know exactly what you're about to do, and I'm okay with it. Because I'm not gonna have to go through the same things that you made Shawn Michaels go through. Shawn Michaels, the best performer ever to step in this ring. But you made him bent over backwards and for all that he accomplished, for all of his achievements, for years, all they said about HBK was that he screwed Bret! No matter how many championships he won, no matter how many times he stopped the show, he carried that burden, and it began to define him, and he had to take it with him his entire career. And you know what? I thought about that a lot last week, Vince, and I put myself in his shoes. If I was in his shoes, would I want to be the guy who screwed Bret? Would I want to be the guy that screwed CM Punk? My answer was no.
 It was one hell of a match last night, son. Thank you so much.
 [over Vince's protests] Hey, hey, hey, listen. You put me in a position to make a decision. You wanted the match thrown out. I don't do business like that. You're a businessman, you got your way of doin' business. I do my business a certain way, I am not gonna play along with that crap because you would have made the WWE Championship meaningless. So here's the skinny. I had a great career here. And he says he can make another one of me. Fine, Vince, go ahead. Make one, make ten. I don't care. I've even given you some time. You have eight months—-give or take a few days—-to find another opponent for Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson at WrestleMania 28. I'm not an idiot, Vince. You'll do some hocus-pocus and you'll find somebody for Dwayne, and WrestleMania will go off without a hitch as if I was never even here. I get it. Meanwhile I get to walk outta here with my pride and my dignity.
 So before we get into the formalities and the big Vince-McMahon-walk and the whole speech, which I'm gonna let you do. Go ahead. It's what they know you for. I just need to tell you something. And I want this to sink in. I love the WWE and I truly believe I belong here. And, man, I hate saying this. But if you're about to tell me that I'm not welcome here, if you're about to tell me that I have no other option, I love this. This is what I do. And if you make me walk tonight, then I will walk on someone else's television show and keep doing this, brother! That is no threat, that is a promise. And here's the skinny. There's a lot people out there that say I do a lot of things. But I prove tonight that one thing I will not do is kiss your ass!
 Listen, I know you've got a big match, Champion vs. Champion, but what I have to say is a little bit more important. Before I say it, let me preface it by saying one thing. I think you're an amazing performer, Punk. I think you're very, very good. As a matter of fact, you're one of my favorites, but you're not as good as I am. You're not as good as me. You're not the best in the world at everything you do, and you know it.
 You see, I never had to call myself the best in the world; other people said it for me. These people said it for me. And I never had to write it on the back of a t-shirt; they would write it on signs and bring it to the arena. And the reason for that is this—I am part of a special breed of performers. I am one of a literal dying breed of performers that toured the world, honing our craft, learning our skills, becoming stars before we ever got to the WWE. A breed that cared more about having the best match on the show than personal politics, didn't care what the hierarchy thought of us, what position we were slotted in, what we were supposed to be. A breed of performers that were given nothing and took everything. And yeah, I developed a chip on my shoulder because of it; and yeah, I got a bad attitude and a bad reputation in the back with the powers that be because of it; but I didn't give a damn because I knew I was good. I knew I was the best.
 And now, Punk, you're just like me. You're a maverick, a rebel that went against the grain and became something more than anybody thought that you would. But in translation, that's because you just want to be me. You're a Chris Jericho wannabe, just like all these Chris Jericho wannabes, and it's so obviously...[to the booing crowd] oh yeah, you know it's true. It's so obviously blatant by the fact that you plagiarize me every step of the way...
 Stop. Stop. Just stop.
 Don't you tell me to stop, boy. I'm talking to you.
 And I'm listenin', but I think everybody else is sick of listenin', so I'm gonna go ahead. Look, Chris, I know how good you are, these people know how good you are. My problem I have with you is you coming out here and insinuating that I've stolen anything from you. No, I've never plagiarized anything in my life. Everything I have, [holding up WWE Championship] I've fought for and I've earned. It's right here.
 You think you invented saying that you were the best? Are you kidding me? There's a guy I remember watching when I was a kid—you probably watched him when you were a kid, too—his name's Bret "Hitman" Hart, the best there is, [crowd says it with him] the best there was, and the best there ever will be. Did you invent that? Did you give that to him when you were, what, two years old? Huh? He's Canadian too. Did you invent him being Canadian? Did you invent Canada?
 Oh, yeah, laugh along. Laugh it up with Punk. Laugh along with Punk. Very nice. Because it's oh so typical, Punk. So smarmy, sarcastic, never taking anything too seriously, right? Well you need to take me seriously, Punk, 'cause this is a whole different level. A whole different level from anything that you've ever had before. Because like I said, this isn't some kind of gimmick. I am the best in the world at everything I do, and I prove it every night as I have for the last 22 years. Staying on the highest level of any performer in the history of this business. [to the crowd] You can boo if you want, but you know it's the damn truth.
 I have faced every legend, every Hall-of-Fame, future Hall-of-Fame performer in this ring and beaten them all. I've won dozens of championships, I've had dozens of classic matches, classic WrestleMania steal-the-show matches, dozens of moments that will be legendary long after either one of us are gone. [Crowd chants "CM Punk!"] You can chant it all you want, but I am not just telling you, I am proving to you with all the evidence that standing right in front of you is the literal, undeserved, undoubtful best in the world at everything I do!
 You know, you keep saying that, and your words just scream superiority. But I watch you and the way you walk out here and the inflection in your voice and certainly your body language—it screams inferiority. Who you trying to prove? You're trying to prove to me that you're the best, or are you trying to prove to these people that you're the best, or are you trying to prove to yourself that you're the best? I say I'm the best in the world, and yeah, that's a little cocky, but confidence is nothing that I've ever lacked, and it's nothing I thought you lacked. But now that confidence, Chris, seems to be replaced with jealousy.
 You look at me and you see a guy that emerged from the same shadows you did. He came from the same places you did, he overcame the same obstacles you did. But now he's surpassed everything that you did, didn't he? Because sure, you beat legends. You beat the Stone Cold and you beat Rock in the same night ten years ago, and that made you the WWE Champion. But you were never really the man, like how I'm the man, were you? And that just bothers you a little bit, doesn't it? You have a Napoleon clompl—complex because of it, so you come back and you try to point fingers and place the blame. The blame's only on you.
 See, you say that you're the best in the world at what you do, and I say that I'm the best wrestler in the world. The distinction, to me, is very simple. This is nothing I chose, I was born this way. This is who I am, this is what I do, while you choose to leave and write books and have a radio show and be on game shows, and you choose to be a rock star. And all the while, I'm here ON TOP, swimming with sharks while you're dancing with stars!
 When I was dancing with stars, Punk, and killing it on the Tonight Show and becoming a bigger star than you ever were, all I could of was one thing, and that was you ripping me off. Every single night, you ripping me off, Punk. And let me be completely clear and honest with you. All of those January 2nd vignettes and the "best in the world" verbiage and this light-up, flashy, fancy jacket—it's all window dressing. Because I came back to the WWE for one reason and one reason only, and that was to embarrass you on the biggest stage in the world, to take back what is mine, to beat you for that World Title at WrestleMania, and shove down your throat that I am the best in the world at what I do! I prove it, I claim it, I AM IT EVERY SINGLE NIGHT!
 Well, that's all you had to say. When you came back, you didn't have to jump me to get my attention. All you had to do was grab me and say, "hey, Punk! Me and you, best in the world vs. best in the world at WrestleMania!"
 See, this is the time of year everybody points at that sign, but I'm gonna point at my Championship title, because to me, I don't need Chris Brown and you don't need Mickey Rourke, and we don't need all the pyro in the world or inflatable letters to tell everybody how awesome we are, and I don't need a fancy entrance, and screw your stupid Lite-Brite jacket! The only thing we need is me and you in a ring, and on April 1st, we're gonna find out exactly who the best in the world is. Because to me, those are the only ingredients we need in the recipe to have what quite possibly could be the greatest wrestling match in WrestleMania history. But see, I have something you covet, and I say come and get it. And at the end of the night, when you're looking over your shoulder on the ramp and you see this. [Puts down the mic and yells to the crowd] Best in the world!!! [Picks the mic back up and resumes talking to Jericho] It's not gonna be the end of the world, it's just gonna be the end of yours.
 Yeah, congratulations. Way to go, Punk, way to go. Congratulations on your big win. You need to enjoy them while you can. You see, you can smirk if you want to, but I see straight through you. When I look at you, I see a fraud. And I'm not talking about the fact that you call yourself the best in the world, I'm talking about you as a person. Because I did a little research this week, Punk, and I found something, a little deep, dirty, dark secret about you. You've been straight edge ever since you came to the WWE, but you've never explained the reasons why. I wanna tell all of these wannabes why you're straight edge. I wanna tell them that you're straight edge because your father is an alcoholic.
 Yeah, that's right. Your father was an alcoholic who let you down every step of the way when you were growing up, and it terrifies you. You don't want to end up like him. But it's inevitable that you will, because alcohol is in your blood, it's in your genes, it's part of who you are, and that tortures you. I know you've built this facade, this wall that you're a sarcastic antihero with not a care in the world, but I think I've found something that you care about. I've found something that gives you nightmares, something that terrifies you.
 And isn't it ironic that the very alcohol that you crave is the same thing that ruined your childhood? Oh, the nightmares you must have about your father; I almost feel bad for you, Punk. Is that the reason why you have all those tattoos? Was the pain of wanting to drink so bad that you needed the pain of a tattoo needle to take it out of your mind? Was that your only solace?
 It doesn't matter if it is, Punk, because you are going to drink eventually, and I'm the one who is going to make you drink. At WrestleMania XXVIII, I'm going to take away your title, I'm gonna take away your claims of being the best in the world, I'm gonna take away your bravado, and I'm gonna leave you a broken man. You're gonna hit bottom, Punk, and when you do, you're going to embrace your destiny, and you're gonna take a drink. And it's gonna taste so good that you're gonna wanna take another one, and another one, and another one. After April 1st, I'm gonna be recognized for who I am—the undisputed best in the world and the new WWE Champion. And you're gonna be recognized for who you are, who your father was—a pathetic damn drunk!
 Like I said, I respect what Christian has done, but again, he sits on the fence between classic and contemporary, in my opinion.
 What does that mean? What does that mean, "sits on the fence"?
 Well, I'm trying to be nice, Jerry. It means he's old, old like you.
 "WrestleMania moments" are what most everybody in the locker room always talks about, everybody wants their WrestleMania moment. But last week, I had myself a Raw moment; it was a Raw moment that was bigger than most people's WrestleMania moments. But before I get into why I did exactly what I did to the Rock, I wanna shed some light on something. I want to bring to your attention the way Raw 1,000 went off the air, I was uncomfortable with. I...it left a bad taste in my mouth. The way the 1,000th episode of Raw went off the air was with Jerry Lawler saying, and I quote, "CM Punk has turned his back on the WWE Universe."
 [He turns and looks right at Jerry. He leaves the ring and sits on the announcers' table looking right at him.]
 Cat got your tongue, King? You did say that.
 I don't get it, Jerry. I mean, I'm used to really bad, overly dramatic hyperbole on commentary, but...that was horrible, even for you. How do you jump to such a conclusion? I mean, if anything, it was you who turned your back on me because the last time I checked, the Rock was not the WWE Universe. The Rock is one single, solitary man. He's a larger-than-life, extremely charismatic...delusional movie star who came in and showed me, [holds up the WWE Championship] the WWE Champion, an incredible lack of respect.
 First off, he interrupted me, which is something nobody should ever do. He interrupted me, and when he went into his little tired shtick with Daniel Bryan, he acted as if I wasn't even in the ring. I was almost invisible to him. And then when he does what I can only imagine in his brain is lowering himself to talk to me, he tells me that he's been gifted with a championship match at the Royal Rumble, and he acts as if he's just going to take my championship from me? The respect he didn't show me, I showed him right then and there because he's lucky I didn't drop him on the spot. He...he's fortunate that I didn't hurt him right then and there. And then at the end of the night, Dwayne does what Dwayne does best, and he tries to make the show all about him. He tries to make Raw's 1,000th episode all about him. And that's exactly when I showed him the kind of man he's dealing with, come Royal Rumble. 'Cause this is not a popularity contest, this is not ballet, this is the WWE and I am its Champion. You understand me, Jerry?
 And what's the Rock's response been? We haven't heard from him in a week, which is funny to a guy like me because when he was battling with John Cena, you couldn't shut him up. But now...now the Rock has found his silence, and I know what that means. So when it comes to you and your little agenda, however you wanna spin, however you wanna spin it, you can say what I did or didn't do to John Cena, the 1,000th episode of Monday Night Raw ended the exact way every episode of Monday Night Raw should end—with the focus and the attention and the spotlight on the WWE Champion, [holds up the title again] the best wrestler in the world.
 You know, he can make all the excuses in the world, but let's face it—Heath Slater needs to start turning his career around. Now Zack Ryder, on the other hand, look at him. This guy does everything, he goes above and beyond. Social media guru—this guy is on YouTube with his Z! True Long Island Story, he's on Facebook, he's on Twitter, he's interactive with his WWE Universe, and that's why they love him so much.
 Yeah, well, what about Heath Slater? Come on, he's the "One Man Band!"
 I got a song he can cover. How about Beck's "Loser"?
 what are you gonna do to finally shut this phony little punk up?
 "Phony"? "Phony"? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the people. Did you call me a phony?
 A phony little punk.
 Hitman, let me handle this one. Yes, he called you a phony. Does that irritate you? Does that make you wanna come down here and maybe do something about it? If that's the case, I'm calling you a phony too. Two things happen at this point—you either stay up there, or you come down here. And there's forty feet of distance and three ropes between you and the worst decision of your life.
 Well, if that isn't the pot calling the kettle black, I don't know what is. It's quite ironic, the biggest phony in World Wrestling Entertainment history decides to point his finger and cast judgment on its champion. Well, John-Boy, I don't need your judgment, and I don't need your permission. I do what I want, I do what I decide, and right now I've decided to come out here and defend my good name in the face of such rampant, ridiculous disrespect. It almost breaks my heart to see the two of you standing in the ring together. It makes me realize, wow, the Hitman and John Cena are so much alike; and trust me, that's not a compliment. You two can sit here, pat each other on the back, and have a little powwow and talk about how great the both of you were at being the top guy, and completely neglect to mention the fact that you were both unceremoniously surpassed by somebody far superior than yourselves. John, in your instance, I, of course, am speaking of me; and Hitman, in your case, obviously, I'm talking about Shawn Michaels. And by the way, you can't draw a line of comparison between CM Punk and Shawn Michaels. Not the old Shawn, not the new Shawn, because I am better than Shawn Michaels. Oh, hey, hey, Bret, Hitman, you remember that...that hillbilly you made pass out to your little Sharpshooter at WrestleMania 13? Stone Cold Steve Austin? [like to a child] I'm better than him too.
 And I'm better than The Rock, and we all said, we all knew, and we all saw what I did to him in one night, when he showed me one iota of disrespect. Hell, John-Boy, I did in one night what you couldn't do in an entire calendar year. I am the best wrestler, I am the best talker, I am the best technician, I am the best brawler. And I don't say these things from a place of insecurity, and I apologize for your lack of self-confidence, but I say it because I am it! And that makes me anything but a phony.
 He's right. He's right. Because that last statement actually makes you a liar, a hypocrite, and a conceited scumbag. Congratulations! You can also add that to your resume.
 You know, listening to these people tonight, I realize that Montreal is a very honest city. For years, WWE has referred to this building as Bizarro World. Quite frankly, you folks are just honest. You tell us how you feel, whether it's something we wanna hear or not. Tonight, I'm gonna take a lesson from Montreal and actually hit you in the face with a dose of truth, whether you want to hear it or not.
 For 300 days, you have been WWE Champion; for 300 days, that championship has been irrelevant. Month after month, you watch main event by main event pass you by. And your excuse, that there's some sort of weird political conspiracy against you. But the fact is there is no you. You see, you have been here for many, many, many years, and the night you made the most noise was, ironically, the night your microphone was turned silent. Ah, I remember those days. Talk about change. Passionate, convicting talk of change. And then one triumphant night in Chicago, when you were the victor and the universe finally said, "we get change!" And they were lied to. They were fooled into a false claim, because change was not ice cream bars, change was not edgy television, change wasn't even new talent. All you meant by "we want change" is "make CM Punk a star." You don't even know who CM Punk is.
 I remember in those rants that you once said that I'd become what I despise, in reference to success. No, I went from an underdog to an odds-on favorite, but I did it as me. Through all of this, through all of this, the wins, the losses, the championships, the year when I didn't win the big one at WrestleMania, the embarrassment, the humility, I've had to stand on my own two feet and do it...as me.
 Then there's you. You have changed your ideology numerous times, you've stabbed your friends in the back, you borrow colors from Hall-of-Famers, you steal the elbow of the late Randy Savage. All because you have yet to find you. I'm not saying you're not tough—I've been in the ring with you. And I'm not saying you're not accomplished. But your latest phase of development revolves around this. [Pointing to the WWE Championship] You think because you have this, you are justified respect. No, the reason you have that and have kept it is by any means necessary, and that does not define a champion in my eyes. So at Night of Champions, you're going to have to search for a new identity. You've been really, really loud these past weeks because you finally realize, at Night of Champions, you are in serious jeopardy of losing this.
 I didn't want to do this, but the city of Montreal has kind of owed me a favor, so I'm gonna pay one back to you. I'm a little rusty. Me je parle un petit Francais (I speak a little French). CM Punk parle qu'il va victoir avec la nuit de champion, mais je vais lui botter le cul. Which means...
 Which means you have lowered yourself! You have lowered yourself to their level. To speak their language? To speak the languages of the locals? You have lowered yourself!
 ENOUGH! Enough. Listen up, Jack, I don't lower myself to them because they are the reason we are here! You are an ignorant son-of-a-bitch, and you need a little bit of respect! So, in English, what I said was, "you say you're gonna win at Night of Champions, but I'm just gonna kick your ass!"
 Dean, Seth, Roman, been my pleasure to known you guys for a while now and worked with you down in the developmental territory in NXT. And it seems a bit odd though to be conducting this interview tonight under these circumstances. It was eight nights ago at Survivor Series, many people say that you came...
 Many people? Who are these people? Michael, if you got a question to ask us, just ask.
 Okay. Are you three working directly for WWE Champion CM Punk?
 Nope.
 Okay. So if you're not working for Punk, then why are you guys here?
 Now that's the question, Michael. That's the question you should be asking. You see, we sat down in NXT and we saw things clearly. Crystal clear, actually. You see, everybody around here has to answer to the likes of the Vickie Guerreros and the Booker Ts. And Vickie and Booker, they have to answer to the Board of the Directors. And Board of Directors ultimately has to answer to the WWE Universe. The almighty WWE Universe. What is that, Michael? What is that? It's a popularity contest. And that's not right. That's wrong, Michael. We saw things heading in the wrong direction. We stepped in and righted those wrongs. Michael, we are a shield from injustice in WWE.
 I mean, come on, guys. There is no denying that everything you've done so far has benefited CM Punk.
 Michael, it's coincidence. Happenstance. You ever heard of it?
 It's not about benefiting Punk. It's about right and wrong. CM Punk, the WWE Champion, was forced to defend his title in a Triple Threat Match against two guys he already had defeated. That's wrong. So we stepped in. If had been Ryback or Cena, we would have done the same thing. If Ryback was champion for 365 days and Punk tried to ruin his party, we would have intervened on Ryback's behalf. 365 days as champion in this era? That's a huge milestone. That should be celebrated, right?
 Roman, I would love to get your take on all this.
 When I want to say something, I'll say it.
 We're a shield from injustice.
 Yeah.
 We're a shield from injustice. [The three look at each other and like the sound of it] We are The Shield.
 Okay, so...
 Hey, I got something to say. We've said enough. This interview is over, man.
 The time has come to tell you all something very personal. You see, I keep my ear to the ground, and I hear everything everybody says, and for the past year and a half, the words "pipe bomb" have been completely misunderstood and misused. It doesn't seem anybody in the Universe understands what it means, anybody in this company doesn't understand what a pipe bomb is. Basically, what a pipe bomb is, in its truest form, is the truth. It's honesty. You boil it down, and the essence of a pipe bomb is exactly what all of you lack—honesty. Seems the perception of me is someone who was a little disgruntled, sat down on the stage in Las Vegas, and aired his grievances and said "pipe bomb." I became the Voice of the Voiceless, and then maybe my ego was like a runaway train and I suddenly bitched and moaned and complained about respect and how I didn't get enough of it. And then I turned my back on the people.
 Well, that's a lie. Don't be mistaken. I meant everything I said when I said it, except the part about ice cream, 'cause I look out here and the last thing any of you people need is more bars of ice cream. But I was shortchanged and I was disrespected. And sure, I could have just swallowed that bitter pill and accepted my position in the company like everybody else in the back, or I could have left. Instead I made a conscious decision and I sold out. To you. To you, I sold out; to me, I cashed in. See, I created this persona, this rebel, this antihero that you all love to cheer for because I knew that you all love to cheer for your superheroes. Because here is the truth about Las Vegas, here is the truth about the WWE, is that it doesn't matter that if you're the best wrestler, it doesn't matter if you're the best talker, it doesn't matter if you're the best overall performer, it doesn't matter if you make the two clowns sitting to my left on commentary look like amateur hour. There is a glass ceiling and nobody is allowed to break it.
 That's the simple story of this place. The more popular you are, the more money you make. The more you people cheer for any given superstar, the more opportunities you're afforded. Why do you think a guy like John Cena, who has admittedly had the worst year of his career, gets title shot after title shot after title shot after title shot? Or why a lethal grappler, why a serious submission specialist like Daniel Bryan puts a smile on his face and saddles himself, belittles himself with catchphrases. Or why a 400 pound monster, Brodus Clay, soils his hands by touching your filthy, ugly, little children to get in the ring so he can shuck and jive for you. Or why an invisible child, Little Jimmy, is better positioned on the flagship show Monday Night RAW than a workhorse like Tyson Kidd.
 Look at them, they're doing it now. You're doing it now! You're falling for everything I say, you're playing into my hands, but this is the way it is and this is the way you want it because this is the way you handle it. It's easy, it's saccharine, it's simple to digest because you people can't handle anything complicated, you people can't stomach anything interesting. This is the way it's been since the beginning of the time. We're all here in the circus to entertain you. And nobody's ever been able to attain a modicum of success without you.
 Except for now. Until I showed up. I've become the most successful WWE Champion of all time. Not of the modern era. No, that's another little buzzword that somebody backstage wants you to say. They probably wanna put it on a t-shirt. But that's the way you get noticed. You don't get noticed until you start to move a couple of t-shirts around here. If I... if I competed in Bruno Sammartino's era, I'd have been champion for 20 years, too. No, I'd have been champion for 30 years. Because wrestling one night a month at Madison Square Garden is easy. You never see a Hulk Hogan wrestle TLC matches against a superstar like Ryback. Because he had it easy. I wrestle physically demanding matches on free television, week in and week out. So much that my one year equals 30 of theirs. And I have attained this success, not... not because of you. I am successful not because of you. I am successful in spite of you.
 Now, I'm the most honest man in this building, I'm the most honest man in this company 'cause everybody else has got the same, old, tired crybaby story. They'll come out here and they'll say "I do it for the people, I do it for all of you. Let's hear it for Tampa, Florida!" Here's some honesty. I watched Roddy Piper smash a coconut over Jimmy Snuka's head and I sure as hell didn't say "Golly Gee! I can't wait to go electrify the people of Tampa Bay, Florida." No! Because I don't care about the people of Tampa Bay, Florida.
 There's good guys and there's bad guys in this world, and make no mistake about it, ladies and gentlemen, I am a bad, bad man and I can freely admit it. But Ric Flair will come out here and he'll cry his 182-year eyes out and say "Oh, I did it for all of you." Now they're wooing. Shawn Michaels can come out here and lose his smile and find his smile, but then in a... in a tearful Hall of Fame speech, he'll say that his entire career was just to gain your acceptance. Then a man like Edge is forced to retire and he'll say that he misses competing for people like you. Now, these people, these men are either weak, or they're dishonest and they're liars. It's either one or the other. But I— I'm neither weak nor dishonest. I'm the best in the world.
 Two types of people on this earth. Those born to be in the spotlight, and those born to pay to see the people in the spotlight. Ladies and gentlemen, there's winner and losers. Guess which one you are. You're born to pay to see champions like me, it's not the other way round. And I'll be the first guy to come out here and admit it, I'm honest. I have never ever done this for any of you. There's superstars and there's nobodies. I am a superstar, you are all nobodies. And I'm a real superstar. Those real superstars, hell, if they're your friends, why don't they come out here and give you the millions and millions of dollars they earn? Why don't they line your pockets? 'Cause that's... that's not your position on earth.
 Uh, I'm being told that we have to take a commercial break. I'm not done, let me explain something to you. Let me explain something to everybody in the truck. We don't go to break when you wanna go to break. We go to break when the Champ wants to go to break! Listen up and understand something 'cause the Rock's gonna come out here and he's gonna talk a whole lot. Well, I will now tell you the most important thing you're gonna hear tonight. [Pointing to random people in the audience] You do not matter, you do not matter, you do not matter. None of you matter. What you want doesn't matter.
 So I stand here on the first Raw of 2013 your WWE Champion, and I promise you in one years time, I will stand in this ring on the first Raw of 2014 still your WWE Champion. What fuels me is your constant disappointment in your self-appointed superheroes to be able to drag this title away from me, and now The Rock has come back, and its not gonna change the fact, that I am the WWE Champion. And I'm not gonna let The Rock tear down everything that I fought so hard to attain, no no no no no no..... not at all, no, in 2011, when I defeated Alberto Del Rio for this title at Madison Square Garden, I didn't just beat Alberto Del Rio, I beat the system. And every time after that, when I beat one of your superheroes, and I don't care if it was John Cena, Ryback, Chris Jericho, Kane, Big Show, Dolph Ziggler, any of the litany of Superstars that I defeated, I wasn't just beating them, I was beating all of you. And for 414 days, that's exactly what I've done. In your face, jerks. I have beaten you. I have stomped you out under my oppressive boot and I'm gonna do the same thing to The Rock because I don't care if he's back, you all do not get to win. You are losers. You do not get to win. You do not get to...(The Rock theme song comes on)
 The Rock had to hear it all. The Rock wanted to wait until you said everything you had to say, so the Rock knew exactly the kind of man he's dealing with at the Royal Rumble. And now it's become crystal clear to the Rock. You are straight up delusional. You keep mentioning that number 414. 414 days you've been WWE champion. That's incredible, incredible. The real number, it ain't 414, Jack. The real number that haunts your dreams is 20. 20 excuses running around your mind right now. 20 hairs standing up on your straight edge scrotum. Because you know, you know in 20 days you're gonna be defending that WWE Championship against the Rock which means in 20 days you know, the Rock knows, they know, in 20 days, time's up.
 You wanted change, you wanted a revolution. You say that when you became WWE Champion, you rejected the people. No, no, no, no. The people rejected you. You talked about change, you couldn't do it. You talked about revolution, you couldn't do it. You came out and you promised everybody ice cream bars. Ice cream bars for everybody! And you couldn't even do that. You couldn't provide ice cream if the Dairy Queen, Carvel, and Cookie Puss drove an ice cream truck straight up your ass.
 I want you to listen to something. Listen to something, Punk, listen. That's— voices. Voices. You claim, you claim to be the voice of the voiceless, but that's a bunch of hot garbage because here in the WWE Universe, there ain't no such thing as the voiceless. They have...they have voices. And they love to use their voice. They use it every single night. Every night they use their voices. As a matter of fact, as a matter of fact, they know something special is getting ready to happen right now. They're gonna use their voice, they're gonna chant the loudest chant you have ever heard. They're gonna chant, they're gonna chant something that is gonna follow you for the rest of your life. They're gonna chant, They're not gonna chant "respect," they're not gonna chant "best in the world," they're gonna chant exactly what you are. In three seconds they're gonna chant, "Cookie Puss, Cookie Puss."
 [chant] Cookie Puss! Cookie Puss!
 Be the puppets that you are. He got you chanting about ice cream the same way I did a year and a half ago. Congratulations. They still don't get to win. You don't get to win.
 Finally the Rock has come back to Tampa!
 You see, Punk, it's not just that the Rock is back. No, it's why the Rock is back. Here's why the Rock is back. For three reasons. The Rock is back to entertain them. The Rock is back to stop you. And after ten long years, ten long years, the Rock is back to win [points to WWE Championship] that.
 The Rock has watched the show. Every Monday Night RAW watching you, watching you, your deceiving, your backpedaling, your lying. The Rock would watch the TV and he'd scream at the TV "Good God Almighty, somebody tell this man they respect him, just so he shut his punk ass up. And while you're at it, somebody show this man a doctor." Is there a doctor in the house? Because a man who claims that he's straight edge, he's running around here looking exactly like Popeye on crack. Look at you. Punkeye the crackhead. All you need right now is a little thing in your mouth, a little, toot-toot!
 CM Punk. CM Punk, you have one of the most creative and innovative minds in the history of the WWE. The Rock knows it. You fail to use it. You became WWE Champion and you also became the biggest jerk the world has ever seen. The Rock can look you in the eye and tell you this with all passion and with all heart. When the Rock is here, don't you ever say the people don't matter. They matter. They've always mattered. You're the one that doesn't matter.
 Oh, I matter. I'm the most successful...
 IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU MATTER! The only thing that matters is that you understand, you get it straight in your head that at Royal Rumble, there ain't no way, and the Rock means NO WAY, you're gonna stop the Rock from becoming WWE Champion.
 Unlike a lot of people I'm glad you're back. I don't care what your schedule is. I don't care if you work here 16 days a year or 365 days a year. You could be Santa Claus and have his schedule, one day a year. I'd still kick your ass. I don't care how many movies you film every year. I know how hard that schedule probably is, but every time you come back, whenever you decide to grace us with your presence, I'm gonna kick your ass. Because this isn't candy land. I'm like nobody you've ever faced before. You can make fun of the color of my t-shirt and you can talk about pie and you can sing songs and you can rhyme, and you can do your tired, lame-ass schtick. I just want you to know that come Royal Rumble, and you have about three weeks to realize this, I'm gonna kick your ass 'cause I'm the best in the world. I'm the best thing going today. I'm the best guy you've ever stepped foot in the ring with. And you need to understand, congratulations, Rock, you just graduated from the kiddie table, but you just bit off more than you can chew. You're playing little league with your little insults and your rhymes and your "millions and millions" and your "finallys". And I'm in the big leagues and I'm swinging for the fence. You need to understand that your little jabs and your insults, it's all kiddie games. You can't leave a mark on the Champ's face. Come Royal Rumble, understand, when you step in the ring, your arms are just too short to box with God.
 You may think that the Rock is boxing with God. But the Rock knows for a fact you are going one-on-one with the Great One. Don't you think... don't you think for one single, solitary second that the Rock doesn't know how bad you are, how dangerous you are, how tough you are. The Rock knows that. 414 days. The Rock knows the last time we were in the middle of this ring you hit the Rock with a GTS and you knocked him out cold. Cold as a block of ice. The Rock didn't forget it. You hurt the Rock. You embarrassed the Rock. He said it before, he'll say it again. In 20 days, time's up.
 But here's the thing. This is what the Rock wants you to do— from now until then. The Rock wants you to go home and think about the next 20 days. As a matter of fact, the Rock wants you to go home and look in the mirror. As a matter of fact, the Rock wants you to go home, look in the mirror and strip naked. That's what the Rock wants you to do. Go ahead and look at yourself. Don't concentrate on your Cookie Puss. Turn around and look at your backside. Turn around, look at your backside and let's try and find a small space on this body that's not covered in ugly tattoos because the Rock wants you to get two more tattoos. Some more tattoos. Here's the thing. Go ahead, on your left butt cheek the Rock wants you to get a tattoo of a big, fat M&M. And then add a Snickers, a Milky Way, a Mounds. You can't have an Almond Joy because unlike you, Almond Joys actually have nuts. And then... and then on your right butt cheek, this is what the Rock wants you to do. The Rock wants you to get a tattoo of the Rock's size 15 shoe, so you will have a lifetime reminder of how badly the Rock is gonna kick your candy ass at Royal Rumble.
 How does it feel to be the new World Heavyweight Champion?
 You know, Josh, I have been too damn good for too damn long. Now I knew, I knew I just needed the right time and the right place, and I found it tonight. Now I know it's the day after, but this...this is my WrestleMania moment! I'm the showoff, 'cause I'm gonna take my new championship, shine it up, and show it off. It's about damn time.
 DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA!! - Fans singing Fandango's theme
 THANK YOU BIG SHOW - The fans when Big Show attacked Randy Orton and Sheamus
 WE WANT ZIGGLER - Fans during the Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter vs Alberto Del Rio match
 I have no followers, I have only brothers and sisters, all in the name of cause. People are sheep, you understand me? They can't lead themselves, they need to be lead. People buy and sell fear. They worship war, they crave war. But I'm not afraid of their wars. I created war! And I think it's time for the masses to wake up, wake up, WAKE UP! Wake up and look at this lie they're living in man! The world is deteriorating between their toes, and they do nothing about it. They only stand there, they whisper and wonder but never do anything about it! But I've seen it all in my dreams and in my thoughts, and above everything else, I understand. This is not the beginning, it's the end. We're here.
 You know what I'm looking at right now? I'm looking at an empty ring because in my world, you don't exist. Try this one on for size—am I lying? In 2005, WWE had no vision for you. CM Punk was a figment of Paul Heyman's imagination. And what did I do? I took you in, I befriended you, I taught you, I trained you, I martyred my entire career for you. And then we reached the holy grail together. We were the reigning, defending WWE Champion for 434 days. We were the longest-reigning WWE Champion of the past 25 years. We came within an inch of breaking the Undertaker's streak at WrestleMania. We, CM Punk, we were the best in the world. And here's part of the equation you seem to forget about—without me, there is no we. Without Paul Heyman, CM Punk, you're not the best in the world.
 "Paul Heyman, what happened here? Why, Paul Heyman? Why did you betray CM Punk? Paul Heyman, you are a Judas!"
 Here's the truth, because I'll tell you why I have such an aversion to the truth. Because the truth is a lot harder pill to swallow, Mr. Straight Edge, than a spin on things. The truth is, you failed us when you couldn't defeat the Undertaker at WrestleMania. And when you went home, you found yourself. And CM Punk comes back to WWE...and you think you're better than me. CM Punk—better than Paul Heyman.
 So I lied to you. I manipulated you. I played you because you can never claim that CM Punk dumped Paul Heyman. No, history is going to write that Paul Heyman dumped CM Punk! You didn't want a business relationship with me, you wanted to keep it personal. So I made it as personal as I could possibly make it. Come on, you know this to be true. Here's the truth—you have no family. You're estranged from your own mother and father, you have no wife, you have no children. All you have [indicating the crowd] is them. All you have is the WWE Universe. All you have is their admiration! All you have is their respect! All you have is their affirmation! Listen to them!
 [chanting] CM PUNK!
 And all you want, all you crave, all you need in your life is the WWE Championship. You took my best friend away from me, and I took your chance at the WWE Title away from you and each and every one of them! You're gonna find out, as bad a reputation as I have in business, I'm a whole lot worse personally. And here's the kicker to it all, best friend, brother, business son, man who wouldn't be my client. You made me swear on my children, but it was my children who made me see this so clear. "Daddy, why doesn't Punk listen to you like Brock listens to you? Daddy, isn't Brock going to hurt Punk? Daddy, can Punk beat Brock Lesnar?"
 And if you wanna know why I double-crossed you, why I betrayed you, why I cost you your opportunity to cash in Money in the Bank and go for the WWE Title, here's the harshest truth of them all—I betrayed you because, CM Punk, you can't beat Brock Lesnar!
 Are you done? You wanna talk about the truth? I saw first-hand last night that the truth does hurt. And maybe I should have seen it coming, but damn it, Paul, I trusted you. And all I have to show for it now is these thirteen staples in my head. But another truth is that you know me better than anybody, and you know when I'm lying, and you know when I'm telling the truth, and you know when I want something bad enough, I am the most relentless man on the planet. And I will not stop until I get it! And the truth is, Paul, I'm gonna get you.
 This time, I swear on your children that I am gonna get you. And I will get everybody that conspired against me, every single one of your associates, everybody who profited from it, everybody who had knowledge of it, anybody who enjoyed it. Your friends, your clients, your family, anybody in between the time I get my hands on you and now that steps in between you and I and opens their eyes at me, I will get my hands on and I will rip apart and I will hurt!
 You want the truth? The truth is, you don't have a future, because I'm gonna burn down everything around you until you're the last man standing, and I'm gonna keep you alive just long enough to look you in the eye and hurt you worst of all! So tell me, you son-of-a-bitch! Am I lying?!
 No. No, you're not lying, and since you want to tip your hand and tell me I have a lack of a future, let me spell your immediate future out for you. [Kneels down and mocks CM Punk's opening ritual] IT'S CLOBBERING TIME!!!
 [to Kane] I heard you like to call yourself "the Devil's Favorite Demon." But you, sir, are NO DEMON! And the Devil? No, man...shh, shh, shh. Kane, I'd like to let you in on a little secret now. You ought to be careful who you say those things in front of, because you never know [whispering] who might be listening. FOLLOW THE BUZZARDS!!!
 OMG, you guys, I just watched last night's episode of Total Divas, and it was insane. Oh, my gosh. The Bellas were dealing with their obvious daddy issues, the Funkadactyls broke up and got back together again, Natalya's fiance isn't much of a man...and the other two were also there. It was great, it really was, and...it was the end of the world, and it's only Sunday nights on the E! Network!
 Do you want to know what I see when I look in that ring? Honestly? A bunch of cheap, interchangeable, expendable, useless women. Women who have turned to reality television 'cause they just weren't gifted enough to be actresses. And they just weren't talented enough to be Champion. I have saved your Divas division, I have shattered glass ceilings, I have broken down doors. Why? So...so a bunch of ungrateful, stiff, plastic mannequins can waltz on through without even as much as a "thank you"?
 You guys can't even go backstage and shake my hand and look me in the eye because you know that I worked my entire life to get here. I gave my life to this, and you were just handed fifteen minutes of fame! I didn't get here because I was cute or because I came from some famous wrestling family or because I sucked...up to the right people. I got here because I am good. I earned this championship. And no matter how many red carpets you guys wanna walk down in your $4,000 ridiculous heels, you will never be able to lace up my Chuck Taylors. You're all worthless excuses for women, and you will never be able to touch me, and that is reality.
 What is your problem with the cast of Total Divas?
 My problem with the cast of Total Divas is that they're the cast of a reality show. They are not here for this title.
 [back to the match] The Rear View by Naomi. If she connects with that on Sunday...
 This is what is reality, this championship. And you know what? All week long, these girls have been Tweeting about me, talking about me, yelling to .com, crying and screaming. You know why? They're complaining and IMing their every single thought because they know I'm right and I'm getting to them.
 Is that how fights start nowadays, you Tweet each other?
 For them, apparently; I said what I had to say to their face.
 So you have no desire to go on that reality show and really mix it up with those girls?
 It's certainly a big hit.
 I have the date I won this title tattooed on the back of my neck. This is all I care about.
 So...any other tattoos?
 I think I'm a little too old for you, Jerry—I'm 26, I know you like 'em younger.
 Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! It’s an execution live on WWE pay-per-view, as "The Best in the World" CM Punk straps me into the electric chair, puts the poison into my veins, lines me up in front of the firing squad and pulls the trigger himself! For the first time ever — and for the first time ever again — it will never, ever happen … as a non-participant actually gets locked inside of a cell with a man who does not spend his night fantasizing about the Divas. CM Punk spends his night fantasizing and obsessing about the massacre he wants to inflict upon Paul Heyman. CM Punk wants to take me down, take me out, DRIVE ME AWAY from WWE forever!
 But just like when a volcano is trapped inside of a dormant mountain, when that volcano finally erupts, [now screaming] and the lava — the molten lava — drips down the side of the mountain... I’m just like that lava! I’m red-hot! I’m out of control! And all of the villagers, with the lava pouring down into their houses, destroying their cars, suffocating and melting their flesh, and the villagers are going, "Run for your lives! Run for your lives! Run for your lives!" They’re the ones that love and worship CM Punk! And I’m the one...that has a different strategy.
 Because I’m not all filled with emotion like CM Punk, Renee. I’m cold-hearted. And I’m calculated. And I’m in control... the same way I have controlled CM Punk all of these years. The same way I control my monster, Ryback. And CM Punk cannot get past my monster, Ryback, which means CM Punk can’t get his hands on me. Which is why Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, I’m not locked in a cell with CM Punk, CM Punk is locked in a cell with me.
 [The WWE Championship and World Heavyweight Championship hanging in the ring, with twenty former World Champions standing]
 Better than anyone, I know what you are capable of; but I also know what you're not capable of. Remember years ago, when you were making a name for yourself, you claimed you had ruthless aggression. Well, if you had it then, you don't have it anymore because if you did, you would've put me in the hospital last Monday night on Raw. But you didn't. You couldn't do it, you didn't have the stomach, and you're gonna regret that decision for the rest of your life after this Sunday.
 Now last week, John, you said that I had all the God-given natural ability in the world, but that I had gotten lazy. I did not get lazy. Sometimes, when you're that much better than all of your peers, you lack motivation, you get complacent. But John, John, fear not. I have all the motivation I need to beat your ass that Sunday at TLC [pointing at the titles] hanging right here!
 You say that you don't care about being the face of the WWE, but that's...that's a lie. I know you, John. Image is everything to you. But you're gonna be the man that lost the most important match in the history of the WWE. Meanwhile...
 [chanting] YES!
 Meanwhile, I am the greatest Superstar of this generation or any other! Just look around you! Look at these men in this ring! Look at Mick Foley back there! Hey, Mick! I took years off of his career. I took years, literally years off of his life! Where's HBK? [Shawn waves from behind Triple H] Showstopper Shawn Michaels, Mr. WrestleMania, I've embarrassed him on multiple occasions. And there wouldn't have even had to have been a screwjob in Montreal if I was competing 16 years ago—where are you, Bret—because I would've left you laying unconscious in the middle of that ring.
 John Cena, I need you to understand something. This Sunday at TLC, everything that you have worked so hard for, everything that you have fought so hard for, will come crashing down all around you.
 It's funny. I couldn't help but notice you said the word, "work." A little example, for one second. [Brings Daniel Bryan front and center, to the cheers and "YES!" chants of the Seattle crowd] Tell these people your name, please.
 My name is Daniel Bryan.
 We'll get to know you a little bit more. Daniel, where are you from?
 I'm from Aberdeen, Washington.
 Wherever that is.
 Was either your father or your mother ever a Superstar, Hall of Fame, WWE Superstar at all? Father or mother, either one.
 No, my dad's a log scaler actually.
 What?
 So since you've been here, you've have to...work for everything you've got.
 Yes.
 [chanting] YES!
 [back to Randy] You hear that? The reason they cheer for him is because he works and he earns it! A guy like you has been given every single thing in the WWE!
 I'm about to hit you in the face with some truth. Ever since you came to the WWE Training Center, you were untouchable. You were bulletproof. You couldn't be fired. Nobody could touch Randy Orton because they liked you. And then you get to the WWE, and what happens? You get sheltered by the best performer in the business. Nothing's changed, Randy. All do you is hide behind Triple H; all you do is hide behind Stephanie McMahon; and you got the balls to stand in this ring and say you're better that everybody here?! Say you're bigger than all of this?!
 You have always blamed everybody else for your failures, you've pointed fingers, and you've made excuses. You've had behavior problems in the ring, you've had behavior problems outside the ring. And the sad thing is, the TLC match this Sunday is the biggest in WWE history. That's why everybody is here tonight. This changes the very course of the WWE. But you want these championships because you're selfish! Because you feel you deserve it! And maybe, just maybe, if you hold onto this, you can finally walk around with the rest of the Superstars and say, "Hey, guys, look. I'm finally what I was supposed to be ten years ago."
 "You want some? Come get some!"
 And here's the real truth. Whether these guys in the ring like me or not, they respect me because they know it. Whether it's Triple H or Shawn Michaels in a WrestleMania match, whether it's Booker T. Hell, nobody wanted to give Dolph Ziggler a chance, and what did I do? I said, "Let's fight." Everybody said it was a bad idea to give CM Punk a championship match when he was gonna leave the WWE; all I saw was the best in the world. Hell, the only legitimate championship shot Daniel Bryan's ever had was against me, and he won! [Turns to Daniel] So I'll say it here in front of your hometown. If I win on Sunday, [shakes his hand] I look forward to the rematch. A fair rematch.
 You see, that's what being a champion is all about—a certain level of respect. And last week, I wasn't gonna take you out. I just wanted to make a statement that when the chips are down, I can be just as brutal as you. So right now, I'm gonna make one more statement because I know exactly what this means. [Sticks out his hand] This Sunday will be physical and it will be brutal, and I will be at my very best. I just hope you are too, because after this Sunday, the last thing anyone is gonna wanna deal with is just another Randy Orton excuse. Good luck on Sunday, you're gonna need it.
 [to a beaten-down Daniel Bryan] This is where our story ends. I have no mercy left to give! It could've been different, it could've been better, it could've been perfect! No, this is your fault. I'm gonna punish you. I want you to open your eyes. [Pulls Daniel by the hair] Open your eyes and look at your dismay! Open your eyes, Bryan! This is the end.
 You're right.
 Say it again. Say that again.
 You're right.
 Say it again! Say it again! Get up and say it again! Say it!
 [chanting] NO!
 [indicating the mic] You want this? [Bray hands it to Daniel] Say it!
 You're right. You were always right. No matter how many matches I won, no matter how loud these people cheered for me, you were always right. The machine...the machine would never let me win. No matter how loud you people chanted. You chanted "YES!" in every building I've ever been to, and they don't care. I'm yours. Let me join the Family.
 [Daniel crawls to Bray. Bray picks up Daniel, kisses him on the forehead, and hits him with Sister Abigail.]
 Remember, Bryan, this is forever. This is going to change everything!
 [on the Chicago crowd chanting "CM PUNK!"] I believe he deserves louder than that!
 [chanting] CM PUNK!
 [Paul sits in the middle of the ring]
 I came here tonight to tell the story of a Paul Heyman guy. A Paul Heyman guy that was never truly wanted in WWE; a Paul Heyman guy that they thought was too small to main-event WrestleMania; a Paul Heyman guy that didn't have the right corporate look; a Paul Heyman guy that had too many tattoos; a Paul Heyman guy that would rebel against the current system, against the authority, against the first family to such a degree that they didn't want him in WWE from day one, and they don't want him in WWE right now. I came here tonight to tell you the story of a Paul Heyman guy that had the balls to say what nobody else had the balls to say. I came here tonight to tell you about a Paul Heyman guy that was born in, raised in and still lives in Chicago. My name is Paul Heyman, and, ladies and gentlemen, this is my pipe bomb about CM Punk...who is not here this evening.
 And here's the biggest part of my pipe bomb. [crowd chants louder] Hey, if you're looking for me to disagree with you, I'm sorry, I don't. No one is more disappointed that he can't see CM Punk perform in this ring tonight than I am. No one. Because if CM Punk were here tonight, he would be doing exactly what he always claimed to do, he would be proving his detractors wrong and he would be showing the entire WWE Universe that he is the best in the world.
 So what really happened? Why isn't CM Punk here tonight? Why won't anyone talk about CM Punk any more? Because there is a finger to point around here, there is someone to blame, there is someone to hold accountable why CM Punk just wouldn't just wouldn't put up with it anymore. And ladies and gentlemen, there comes a time where you have to risk your own job security and point that finger of blame; and tonight, in this very ring, I point the blame for the fact that CM Punk is not here tonight, I point that finger at each and every single one of you!
 Oh, you can boo me all you want. The truth hurts, doesn't it? This is why I've always found it so much easier in life to lie. People accept lies so much easier, but the truth does sting just a little bit, doesn't it? The fact is, when CM Punk was with me, CM Punk was the longest-reigning WWE Champion of the past twenty-five years. I provided CM Punk the bosom from which his soul could be nourished. And then, then, you took him away from me. You made CM Punk your hero, you said you would give CM Punk your love, your affection, your respect, your affirmation. And how far did it get you? You didn't just take CM Punk away from me, you took CM Punk away from yourselves.
 Paul Heyman wants revenge. So how do you get revenge against the Undertaker? How do you kill what's already dead? The fact is, I want to see the Streak taken away from the Undertaker. And there's only one man on the face of the planet that can do it. I want that Streak beaten, I want the Undertaker stripped of the streak, I want the streak conquered. And there's only one man that can conquer that Streak, [Paul stands up] and he's my best friend in the world. He is the conqueror, he is the beast incarnate, Brock Lesnar!
 [to Hulk Hogan and John Cena] I have always been fascinated with pride. It is my favorite sin. It has the power to blind even the strongest men, even those who claim to be immortal. Hey kids, take your vitamins and say your prayers! All praise be to the virtue of hustle, loyalty, and respect, as if they can do you any good.
 You are both liars, and your foolish pride allows you to prey upon the weak and fill them up with this hope. But hope is dead, as will be your legacy, John. I can see it in your eyes. You don't get it. And how could you possibly get something that you can't comprehend?! But I'll lay it out for you, John, right now. If you look up at me, you will see a friend; if you look down at me, you will see an enemy; but if you look at me square in the eyes, you will see a god.
 Do you even listen to all that weird crap you're saying? You just said pride was the fall of man, and then you follow up by saying when I look at you, I should see a god. I look at you and I don't see a god. I see a homeless dude that spent too many years [singing] wastin' away again in Margaritaville, lookin' for his lost shaker of salt.
 Oh, no, no, no, you didn't find any salt. You found two goons, a tiki torch, and a rocking chair from Cracker Barrel. And now you think you can waltz out here in a Hawaiian shirt and a fedora and be somebody? Well, I say prove it.
 Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and it is the greatest privilege of my career to serve as the advocate for the Beast Incarnate, Brock Lesnar! The conqueror of the Undertaker's Streak, a streak that lasted nearly a quarter of a century. A quarter of a century that ended in three seconds at the hands of the conqueror, Brock Lesnar!
 [chant] BULLSHIT!
 I understand how you feel. You're in shock, which shows me your lack of intelligence, because we hate to say we told you so, but ladies and gentlemen, WE TOLD YOU SO!!! My client stood before you with a shirt. Now, here it is, and I know how difficult it is for you to read, but it says, [pointing across Brock's shirt] "Eat, sleep, break the Streak"! And you had the temerity to doubt the strategy of the greatest manager in sports-entertainment history, Paul Heyman, or the physical credentials of the most dominant athlete in WWE ever, Brock Lesnar! Hey, let's get one thing straight. Brock Lesnar is not here to put smiles on people's faces; Brock Lesnar is here to shock the WWE Universe and put tears in the eyes of children.
 But now that you know all the headlines, let’s go a little bit off-page and shoot from the hip, shall we? Five seconds after walking through the curtain at WrestleMania, the Undertaker collapsed, and all the... [turns to audience] Oh, I know you don't want to hear this story, do you; it's a little too real for you. So as all the paramedics and the doctors are panicking, and there's chaos backstage, the most ruthless man to ever have the pleasure of meeting me, the chairman of the board, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, left WrestleMania and rode to the hospital with the Undertaker. The Undertaker is being treated today for a severe concussion. He came [holds fingers about an inch apart] this close to a broken neck, this close to a cracked skull, and the greatest thing the Undertaker ever did was not getting his shoulder up on that third F-5 because, if he did, he would have had a broken neck, Brock Lesnar would have cracked his skull. Brock Lesnar was prepared to beat on the Undertaker to such a degree that the complexion of this television show would have changed tonight because Brock wasn't done until the Streak was dead.
 Here's what really gets to me. When the match was over, [points to announcers] John "Bradshaw" Layfield and those two other things that call themselves announcers stood up and gave a standing ovation along with 80,000 other people in the Superdome—Superdome, Hogan, not Silverdome—and gave a standing ovation to the Undertaker. Gave a standing ovation to the guy that lost the fight. Here's what I don't understand. Brock Lesnar always taught me, in every fight, there's a winner and a loser. Well last night, the Undertaker was a loser, and the winner, whether you like it or not, was BROCK LESNAR!!!
 But since this is supposed to be the wildest crowd of the year, you should all feel empowered because each and every single one of you is exactly like every single member of that WWE locker room. You're all a bunch of wannabes. When Brock Lesnar walked through that curtain last night, nobody gave him a standing ovation. Everybody looked down. Do you know why? Because nobody respected Brock Lesnar, which is fine for Brock because Brock respects nobody. He barely tolerates me, and he certainly doesn't respect someone who's gonna fly in from around the world to sit here on the Monday after WrestleMania trying to get noticed on worldwide TV!
 So notice this, okay? There's a lot of people in the back who sit there and say, "I could've been the one to jump from the ring to the Octagon." But Daniel Bryan never fought in an Octagon, John Cena never fought in an Octagon, the Undertaker never fought in an Octagon! You know why?! They're all wannabes; Brock Lesnar is the one! There's a lot of people who wanted to be the NCAA Division I Heavyweight Champion, the Ultimate Fighting Champion, the Undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion. The Rock never pulled that off, Hulk Hogan never pulled that off, Stone Cold Steve Austin never pulled that off. Know why? They're all wannabes; Brock Lesnar is the one!
 And then you've got a bunch of guys in the locker room last night coming up to me saying, [mocking] "Hey, Paul, I could've been the one to break the Streak. I could've beaten the Undertaker." So why didn't you? Randy Orton didn't break the Streak, Shawn Michaels didn't break the Streak, Triple H didn't break the Streak. Know why? They're all wannabes; Brock Lesnar is the one because Brock Lesnar is the 1 in 21-1.
 I'm sorry, are you saying "What?" to me
 WHAT?!
 Oh, I forgot who you are, so I'll say it slowly for you. Brock...Lesnar...is...the...one...in...twenty...one...and...one!
 Ladies and gentlemen, there are WWE Hall of Famers, there are Legends, and there are WWE Superstars, and the key to that is that they're all plural. They're all lumped together. And then there's only one that stands head and shoulders above the rest on a platform of his own. There is only one Beast Incarnate, there's only one conqueror of the Streak, and there's only one Brock Lesnar.
 Speak to me, Warriors! As I thought about what I was gonna say this evening, it's been hard for me to find the words.
 [Pulls a face-paint mask out of his pocket and puts it on]
 Well, then, you shut up, Warrior, and let me do the talking. No WWE talent becomes a legend on their own. Every man's heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breathe their final breath, and if what that man did in his life makes the blood pulse through the body of others, and makes them bleed deeper and something than larger than life, then his essence, his spirit will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory of those who honor him and make the running the man did live forever. You, you, you, you, you, you are the legend makers of Ultimate Warrior. In the back, I see many potential legends, some of them with Warrior spirits, and you will do the same for them. You will decide if they live with the passion and intensity. So much so that you will tell your stories and you will make them legends as well. I am Ultimate Warrior, you are the Ultimate Warrior fans, and the spirit of Ultimate Warrior will run forever!
 [The Ultimate Warrior died the following day.]
 The Shield was untouchable. We will go down in the history books as one of the greatest groups in sports entertainment ever. We dominated WWE, we beat everybody, including Evolution. But we weren't healthy. We had a cancer inside of us, little did we know. And that's cancer's name... that cancer's name was Seth Rollins.
 History is full of people like you, Seth. Everybody in this building knows somebody like you, Seth. The kind of guy who would stab his brother in the back. Suck up, sell out to The Authority. When I get the opportunity to rearrange your face -- which I will -- your nose isn't going to be here anymore, it's going to be over here by your ear. I say ear because you're only going to have one left. I'm going to rip your dirty stinking hair out by the roots. I'm going to stuff it in your mouth. There'll be plenty of room from where your teeth used to be.
 Seth Rollins... my brother... you are scum. And we are looking forward to what that scum has to say tonight. We want you stand out here in this ring in front of the whole world and lie through your teeth. We want you to stand out here in the middle of this ring in front of the whole world and we want them to hear Triple H's words coming out of your mouth. We're going to listen to every word of it, and then we're going to beat the hell out of you.
 You don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't piss in the wind, and you don't ever stab your brothers in the back. But you're only part of the problem. The other parts are Randy Orton and Triple H. Randy Orton, he runs around here and he thinks everybody owes him something. He thinks he's the face of the company. When I get my hands on you Randy, you're gonna be the ass of this company!
 And when I'm done with you, I'm coming for you Triple H. "The King of Kings" ooooooh
 Ooooooh
 We're gonna have our own Game Of Thrones. BELIEVE THAT!
 Seth, Welcome. It's been a lot of...a lot of talk over the last week about why...
 Michael, let me let me stop you before you get started here because I don't...[crowd booing] Look I don't get it. I don't understand what all the controversy you talking about is all about. I mean are we just talking about what I did last week? Is that the whole deal? Because to me, that wasn't a big deal. I was just doing what was best for business. What was best for MY business. The Shield Michael. The greatest faction in the history of WWE, created by me. You don't think I have the right to destroy my own creation? It takes an architect, a mastermind to put together a faction like the Shield. Do you think Dean Ambrose is in anyway responsible for that? Dean Ambrose is a lunatic. Given a week to his own devices, he's face down in a ditch. And Roman Reigns...the golden boy...you'll never see anger and fury in a man like you've seen in Roman Reigns. But without someone to harness that, to control it, he's nothing. He's worthless. Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns are nothing without me. They owe me every ounce of success they have ever achieved!
 Seth, many people will argue that the Shield was about three individuals who came together to form an awesome team, not just about one man.
 You know, I guess we'll find out later tonight when the uh...the pathetic remnants of the Shield have their last hurrah out here against the Wyatt Family. But let me ask you a question Michael. Why is this such a surprise? I took the Shield to the very top, as high as we can go, we beat everybody alright. We conquered the world Michael. At Payback, we beat Evolution in a clean sweep. And from every experience in life, you should learn something. You know what I have learned from Evolution? I learned that to be success in this business, you have to evolve. You have to adapt!
 [chanting] YOU SOLD OUT!
 No no no no no I bought in. I bought in to the evolution of Seth Rollins. And another thing, another thing [points to Michael Cole] you won't admit, [points to crowd] that none of you will admit. It took a lot of guts to do what I did last week. And everybody is fixated on the fact that I stabbed my "brothers" in the back. That I betrayed my "brothers". And maybe to Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose, we were brothers. But to me, they were just business partners. And I severed a business relationship. You know, for two years every night, I came out here and I put my fist out and I say Believe In The Shield. And every night, what I meant is what I'm going to tell you right now, is that you, and everybody else have better start believing in Seth Rollins!
 So that's it, Michael. That's all you wanted to hear right? Oh oh wait wait wait I heard earlier tonight, I was watching Dean Ambrose say that he was gonna let me say my piece and then they were gonna come out here and kick the hell out of me. Well...[throws the chair out the ring] I said my piece!
 Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I'm the one behind the 1 in 21-1. I serve as the advocate for Brock Lesnar, who conquered the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania. I am also pleased and proud to represent...
 Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, you can't talk to those people in English. They're French Canadians. But they don't speak French. No, they speak Quebecois. The French can't stand them, neither can the rest of Canada, et tout le monde sait que les Québécois sont pourris.
 [to Triple H] Mr. COO, you...you know how much respect I have for you, sir. I...I hate to point out the obvious, but "Plan A" just...just isn't working with Randy Orton, not while Roman Reigns is around. And...I mean, "Plan B," I like "Plan B," Seth Rollins is great, but every time Seth Rollins is gonna try to cash in that Money in the Bank briefcase, Dean Ambrose is going to stop him. Which is why, Triple H, I think the Authority has the uncomfortable decision right now to agree with me that you need to make the dangerous choice of implementing "Plan C."
 Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and my client, BROCK LESNAR conquered the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania! Which is why, at this moment, my client hereby officially announces his intention to conquer John Cena and take the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at SummerSlam. Now, my client officially acknowledges this divide that permeates through the WWE Universe. There are those who wear their green t-shirts and their pump-up sneakers, and they scream with great passion their love and adulation for their hero by saying at the top of their lungs, "let's go, Cena!" And there are those who offer the contrarian opinion, and whose mommies don't tuck them into bed at night, and they will say with great fervor and passion, "Cena sucks!"
 I offer you what happened the last time my client, Brock Lesnar, zeroed in on someone and decided to give them a beating.
 [Shows footage of Brock Lesnar defeating the Undertaker at WrestleMania]
 You know, for years, everybody said, "I want to be the one to beat the Undertaker and snap the Streak." But that wasn't good enough for Brock Lesnar. At WrestleMania, my client, Brock Lesnar, gave such a violent beating to the Undertaker that Vince McMahon had to ride in the ambulance to the hospital with the Undertaker because even our heartless chairman was concerned for a dead man's well being and life.
 Oh, John Cena? That same beating awaits you. And please don't confuse my client with some stereotypical villain that comes out here and say, "John, you can escape this beating by giving up your title and laying it down at my feet." Brock Lesnar makes you no such offer. John Cena, you can't escape this beating.
 At SummerSlam, my client, Brock Lesnar, will take John Cena down! Brock Lesnar will punch John Cena's face in! John Cena, you are going to be hurt by Brock Lesnar! Brock Lesnar is going to injure John Cena! Brock Lesnar is going to mangle John Cena! And then, and only then, Brock Lesnar is going to F-5 John Cena and strip John Cena of the dignity of being the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, the same way Brock Lesnar stripped the Undertaker of his dignity and exposed the Streak as just being a myth; the same myth that Brock Lesnar hears every week on television when John Cena is referred to as being the greatest WWE champion of all time. Fifteen World Titles in 10 years. Now that sounds like something worth conquering.
 I pledge allegiance to the greatness of the conquerer who stands before me, and to his dominance, for which I stand, one Cenation, under John, now divisible, with no more hustle, loyalty, or respect for all!
 Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I'm the one behind the 1 in 21-1, and at SummerSlam, my client, Brock Lesnar, will beat John Cena and become the WWE Heavyweight Champion of the world!
 He's a 15-time Champ, and he likes to have his fun.
 But not at your expense, so let us school you, son.
 No, we're not from West Newbury; no we can't hip hop like you.
 My client is The Conqueror, I'm just Brock's advocating Jew.
 You see, my name is Paul Heyman, and my client is The Beast,
 And on the 17th of August, on your title, he shall feast.
 You don't like Paul Heyman guys, you think their attitude's too smug.
 You gonna beat Brock's ass, 'cause you the doctor of the thugs?
 I mean, you've beaten all the best, but now Lesnar's on your plate.
 You say your time is now. Brock says your calendar's out-of-date.
 So here's some free advice, with SummerSlam drawing near,
 Get it out your damn system when you say, "the champ is here."
 Because we're six days away from the West Coast's biggest arena
 Where my client, Brock Lesnar, will conquer John Cena.
 Um...ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I'm the one behind the one who conquered the one who thought he was the one to beat the 1 in 21-1. Last night at SummerSlam, my client didn't just beat, didn't just victimize; my client conquered the titleholder, which affords me, Paul Heyman, the opportunity to proclaim myself the advocate for the brand new, reigning, defending, undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion of the World, Brock Lesnar!
 Now let's get down to business, shall we? My client has authorized me to let you know a secret that I don't even think the Authority wants revealed tonight, which is, ladies and gentlemen, John Cena...is not here this evening. Aw, don't get me wrong. John Cena would be here if John Cena could be here, but John Cena can't be here because John Cena can't physically appear, and that's all thanks to my client, Brock Lesnar!
 I love it when you say that. Say that again please.
 Brock Lesnar! Now, I have been in this industry in one form or another since I was 14 years old, and I have never in my life seen a superstar take an ass-kicking the likes that John Cena took last night at the hands of my client, Brock Lesnar. Now, we're not just talking any superstar; we're talking a top superstar. And not just any top superstar; we're talking the top superstar. The top superstar of a generation. And just to put this into historical perspective for you, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's run on top, legendary. How long? Three years? Three and a half years, maybe? Stone Cold Steve Austin's run on top. How long? Four years? Four and a half years? There's been one constant in the WWE Title picture, there's been one WrestleMania main event they're guaranteeing almost every year, there's been one man in WWE for the past ten years, and that man has been John Cena! And you have to give credit where credit's due. Any man in that unprecedented position, after thirty seconds last night, would've just turned the title over to Brock Lesnar; would've given up, would've tapped out, would've survived to fight another day. But no, not John Cena.
 And as I stood right here [pointing to the ringside floor], with the best seat in the house, and I witnessed the suffering on John Cena's face, it was at that moment, Brock, that I truly understood. 'Cause we'd never gotten it before, but I got it last night. I could never understand why so many people who love John Cena, love him with such a passion. My own children are John Cena fans, which really pisses me off to begin with, but now I get it! Now I understand why! 'Cause John Cena was taking this heinous, vicious, violent beating, and he kept coming back for more, and coming back for more, and coming back for more, and coming back for more, 'cause when John Cena says, "never give up," John Cena means never give up. John Cena, you earned my respect and my admiration to the point where, if I had time on my hands, I would love to make you a Paul Heyman guy. Yeah. Hey, you can knock me all you want, I'll tell you to the straight. If they wrote The History of WWE right before Brock Lesnar pinned John Cena last night, John Cena would go down as the single greatest fighting champion in WWE history.
 Unfortunately, my client, Brock Lesnar, does not share these opinions! In Brock Lesnar's universe, John Cena walked into this ring a hero, and left a martyr. And in Brock Lesnar's universe, the credo that martyrdom equals street cred does not apply. And even if it did apply, he who dies with the most street cred wins? [Imitates buzzer] Wrong answer. In Brock Lesnar's universe, he who dies with the most street cred still dies! Dies at the hands of the Conqueror, Brock Lesnar, just like the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania died at the hands of Brock Lesnar! Just like the Undertaker's career died at the hands of Brock Lesnar! Just like this whole stupid concept of hustle, loyalty, and respect died at the hands of Brock Lesnar! Just like the Cenation died and was conquered by Brock Lesnar!
 And here's the problem. The same fate awaits any man that walks into the Beast's lair and tried to take away from Brock Lesnar the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. And it's almost an unfair fight to begin with, because anybody that steps into this ring is just a challenger. Just a man. My client is not a man. My client is the Beast, and this beast will lay wreckage to any man that tries to take that title away from him, which means the same beating awaits, which makes every single title defense by Brock Lesnar not only must-see, but can't-miss.
 Now, if you're too cheap or too stupid or too blind or too ignorant to spend $9.99 on the WWE Network, let me tell you what happened last night. My client, Brock Lesnar, imposed his will on John Cena, and this, ladies and gentlemen, is what they call basic Brockanomics. Eat, sleep, suplex, repeat. Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat!
 Brock Lesnar lives by the motto, Eat, sleep, suplex, repeat! Eat, sleep, F-5, repeat! Eat, sleep, victimize, repeat! Eat, sleep, beat, repeat. Eat...sleep...conquer...[waves hand in front of face like...] John Cena.
 [Dean Ambrose watches See No Evil 2 and slowly eats popcorn when he gets startled by John Cena]
 What are you doing?
 Doing some research for our match tonight. See No Evil 2 starring Kane; this guy is sick, twisted, sadistic.
 This is...this is what you do? This is your plan? This is your strategy, movie night?
 See, me and you are kinda like a comic book movie. It's like Superman teaming up with Batman. You stand for truth, justice, and the American way, nice American square jaw on you. I like to beat up scumbags. I've been known to wear a cape. But really, we just don't mix.
 What are you even... we have a match tonight, and the three people in that match are gonna do whatever they can to take both of us out of commission before Hell in a Cell. How are we gonna handle it?
 Relax. This might surprise you, but even though I am undefeated in contract-on-a-pole matches, handicapped street fights are my specialty, so here's how we're going to handle it. We're gonna throw punches at anything that moves, and if they insist on taking us down, we're gonna take as many of them down with us as we can. That's how we handle it.
 I like it. I like it. The whole Batman thing...does not fit you. You...are much more like the Joker.
 [after John leaves] Why so serious?
 [accepting the Diva of the Year Slammy] Okay, so, three years ago, I promised all of you I would redefine the term "diva," and I am very proud to say that I sure have done that. You can be a nerd, you can be a tomboy, and you can still be the longest-reigning Divas Champion of all time. So I hope that means that next year, this award is won by Bayley or Sasha or Charlotte or Emma or Paige. Any of those girls can be next in line for the throne, but I'm not done being queen. And Sunday, I will take back what is mine, and I will become the four-time Divas Champion.
 Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and all day long they've been trying to get me to preview this video but instead I decided to come out here live and watch this video along with every single one of you.
 [the video is an interview bewteen Roman Reigns and Byron Saxton, with footage of his career through NXT and WWE, as well as previous facings with Heyman.]
 BROCK LESNAR!
 [Lesnar's music hits as he comes down to the ring. The announcers discuss about Reigns' chances to beat Lesnar.]
 Now, I understand what a fan-pleasing video that was, but to my client, that was nothing short of sheer propaganda. If it came out of the tail end of a bull, it wouldn't smell any different. [mocking] "Oh, Roman Reigns was the stand-out in NXT who went on to become the badass of The Shield, where he was also a stand-out, and then he defeated 29 other WWE Superstars at the Royal Rumble to become the #1 Contender, and even defended his right to main-event WrestleMania when he beat Daniel Bryan at WWE Fastlane. Yaaaay!"
 "One man left standing, don't bother coming home for dinner tonight." Roman Reigns' uncle would them take him down to the beach in Pensacola with his other criminal cousins and point out all the muscleheads and say, "One musclehead left standing, don't bother coming home tonight. Take him out with a punch. Take him out with a tackle." Two moves that you see him do today.
 Brock Lesnar will not lose the title to you at WrestleMania.
 If anybody has it in their heads to pull a Montreal Screwjob on Brock Lesnar for the title at WrestleMania, my client assures me any single person involved in a Montreal scenario will not leave that stadium alive!
 "Yo, that's one badass Samoan. He took an ass-kicking like nobody else I've ever seen." When Roman Reigns is too— [Heyman's microphone is shut off. He walks around in the ring and begins clapping at the microphone.]
 This title no longer belongs to WWE! This title belongs to Brock Lesnar! It's his! AND HE'S NOT GIVING IT BACK!
 The reigning, defending, undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion of the World, The Beast, The Conqueror, and the one that's gonna leave Roman Reigns flat on his back at WrestleMania... BROCK LESNAR!
 Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I am the advocate for the most non-PG ass-kicker of the PG era, BROCK LESNAR! So let's talk about it, let's get it out of the way. What happened last night at WrestleMania? My client, as we told you he would do, laid a beating on a Samoan badass the likes of which no one had ever seen before at WrestleMania. My client took his hands, put them on the #1 challenger for the World Title and did nothing but suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex him right through the canvas! [The crowd chants, "Suplex City!" which draws a laugh from Brock] Or, as my client Brock Lesnar said, "Suplex City, bitch!"
 So now, Brock Lesnar is bitch-slapping Roman Reigns all over the ring, and what happens? What happens? This Samoan, this Samoan whose predecessors were eating human flesh, was sitting there eating the pain and liking the taste and smiling at Brock Lesnar and saying, "I'm gonna bring the same right back to you!" I will not spend my time tonight singing Roman Reigns's [sic] praises. I will tell you he can sink or swim on his own from here, but my client almost respects Roman Reigns. Kid, you still got a ways to go.
 So then, Brock Lesnar got bored. Brock Lesnar was hungry. He wanted to go out for dinner. And Brock Lesnar says, "good night, everybody," picks Roman Reigns up on his shoulders, F-5!...And here comes slimy, disgusting, little Seth Rollins, who cashes in Money in the Bank, makes it a triple threat, Curb Stomps everyone in sight, and scores a pinfall on the challenger, not the champion, and scurries away the most undeserving WWE Champion of anybody's lifetime. [aside to Brock] I got this.
 You all know my father was a prominent New York attorney, and I have apprised my client of his legal rights, that I can go to Sacramento, get an immediate injunction at the 7th Circuit Court [sic], I can have the decision reversed, Seth Rollins will no longer be the winner, I will tie WWE up in litigation for the next three or four months, have the title held up. Unfortunately for me, my client Brock Lesnar thinks all lawyers are scumbags, and Brock Lesnar will not file an injunction, will not go to the 7th Circuit Court, does not want to tie up WWE in litigation; my client Brock Lesnar wants to invoke his rematch clause! And ladies and gentlemen, I have been authorized to tell you, that rematch will not happen at SummerSlam, will not happen at next year's WrestleMania, will not happen at Extreme Rules, will not happen at Payback! That rematch clause is being invoked right here, right now, tonight!
 You know, I...I actually just spoke with Stephanie McMahon before I came out here, and I...I'm feeling kinda jet-lagged, to be honest, and...and my foot kinda hurts a little bit from Curb Stomping you and Roman Reigns last night. So...I'm a fighting champion, and I'm going to give you your rematch, just...not tonight.
 (after Lesnar attacks J&J Security, and F5'd Michael Cole, as well as a cameraman) Your actions have consequences! You're suspended indefinitely! GET OUT OF MY RING!
 (being interviewed by Renee Young backstage afterwards about Brock Lesnar's actions) You know, Brock Lesnar will get his rematch when I say he gets his rematch but, Brock Lesnar, actually, I-I think I need to hit Brock Lesnar where it hurts. I don't think suspending him is enough. Actually, I think I'm gonna have to fine Brock Lesnar. I'm gonna have to fine him for all o-of the damage, all of the property damage, the emotional distress of these employees, you know. And if Brock Lesnar thinks for just one second that he can go back to MMA as he announced on SportsCenter, he just signed a contract with WWE. And you know what that means, Renee? That means I own that son of a bitch. (leaves)
 [The Undertaker makes his entrance, as he attacked Brock Lesnar last night at Battleground]
 I stand here tonight a relentless, remorseless, cold-blooded, vengeful grim reaper. Streaks are made to be broken. That is the painful truth, but Lesnar, you had to continuously, week after week, month after month, remind everyone of your greatest accomplishment. Now, I say, enough! You have taken what once was smoldering ashes, and turned it into a raging inferno. Last night was my true resurrection. You see Lesnar, you can't kill what won't die. Unleashed forces will now set our careers toward new destinies. And I will challenge your mortality. I will conquer what has yet to be conquered. In the end, just like all living things, be it man, or beast, you will rest in peace!
 title reigns end. And Nikki's going to get her rematch and she's going to bring her little hippie sister and her little third wheel and they're going to take that back and the Divas division is going to go back right where it was. There is no revolution, Charlotte! You are just a placeholder. No, no, no, Becky back off. You know what? You're never going to be a Divas champion. You know why? Because you're the least relevant of all of us. Let's go to Team BAD. They're all flesh, no substance. Then you got Lana and Summer too busy trying to figure out who they want to climb onto next rather than the Divas division. And then you've got Nattie. Nattie, where are you? Do you even work here anymore? I can't see you, Mrs. Hart. And then you've got the Bellas. We all know the real reason they got to where they are. You all know the real reason. No, I'm not done. Stop trying to act like you are somebody because you wouldn't be here if it wasn't for your old man.
 I just want to take a moment to acknowledge a great champion. I want to take a moment to acknowledge The Man, Seth Rollins. See, when Steph and I chose Seth Rollins as the future of the WWE, we had extremely high hopes for what that future would be, and Seth Rollins exceeded all those expectations.
 [chant] Thank you, Rollins!
 That's right. Thank you, Seth Rollins, for giving back to us the faith that we had in you. Because every obstacle that was put in front of him, every opponent, Seth Rollins made his way through and retained the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. But on his way to becoming one of the greatest WWE Champions of all time, tragedy fell upon Seth Rollins. In Dublin, Ireland, Seth blew out his knee. And while Seth Rollins is still The Man, Seth Rollins, right now, is no longer the WWE World Heavyweight Champion. [Mixed cheers and boos from crowd] That creates an interesting opportunity. Who is gonna step up? Who is gonna fill that void?
 A few weeks ago, a few weeks ago, we determined a new #1 Contender. A #1 Contender who was going to face Seth Rollins at Survivor Series for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. I would like to bring that man out here right now. Please welcome Roman Reigns!
 [on the displayed Championship] Looks good, doesn't it? See, as of this moment, Seth Rollins is no longer the World Heavyweight Champion, and as you know, as the whole world knows by now, there is a tournament taking place that starts tonight to determine who will be the brand new WWE World Heavyweight Champion. And to me, that seems unfair. That seems unfair that Seth Rollins is no longer the World Heavyweight Champion, and it seems unfair that, while you earned the right to be the #1 Contender, it seems unfair to me that you just go back to the bottom of the pile and get thrown into this tournament and have to earn your way back up. It's terribly unfair, and the reality is, it doesn't have to be that way. It could be a lot easier. It could be a whole lot easier. You see, it could be that you don't have to enter that tournament. All those other guys could step into this ring and do battle just for the right to fight you at Survivor Series to see who becomes the WWE World Heavyweight Champion. That, in my opinion, seems much more fair.
 And before you say anything, I want you to understand one thing, and I've never told you this before. But the reality of it is, back when we made Seth Rollins the future of the WWE, we strongly considered you first, and I mean strongly considered. All that time when Evolution was fighting the Shield, I was scouting. I'm always scouting, and I was looking at you. You have it all, Roman. The size, the strength, the speed, charisma, athleticism, the aggression, everything. You have everything you could want, except for one thing. Except for one thing, and that is the one thing that Seth Rollins had, was the willingness to do absolutely anything to be The Man. And that is why Seth Rollins has been the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, and you have not. How'd it feel? How'd it feel, WrestleMania, after winning the Royal Rumble, after going through all those people, after finally earning that spot, for Seth Rollins to roll in there and take your dream after from you? How'd that feel, Roman? Huh? Sting a little bit? I know how that felt, it sucks. Right? You're damn right, it does. You'll never know. Could you have beaten Brock Lesnar? Maybe. Could you have been the WWE World Heavyweight Champion? You'll never know. Could you have kept this title around your waist? You'll never know because Seth Rollins had a willingness to do absolutely anything, that you did not have, and he walked out of WrestleMania as the WWE World Heavyweight Champion.
 And now, here you are. Here you are all these months later, and you still have all of that. All of those positives. You have dug and scratched and clawed to earn your way back to this, and you have met with wall after wall after wall. I can make those walls go away.
 It doesn't have to that difficult, Roman, and I'm not asking you to do anything that you haven't already done. You've earned your spot. You've earned your spot. I'm asking you, do you want to be The Man? Because if you want to be The Man, Roman, all you have to do is be my man.
 So you're gonna give me everything I've already earned, and all I have to do is sell out?
 "Sell-out." "Sell-out," that's an interesting word. You know what "sell-out" is? Sell-out is a word that people that don't succeed created to explain why people did what they could not do. Sell-out is a word they chant because they can never achieve what you can achieve. Don't... Roman, don't let some misguided morals ruin what you could get out of life. Are you kidding me? You think they're not gonna criticize? No matter what you do, if you get this, and I don't care how you get it, criticism comes with the gate, pal. That's the way it works. You win this, you don't wanna get criticized? Then do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing. But if you want this, then be a reality man. See the reality of the situation. Understand that this comes with criticism, and you will never be liked by everybody, Roman.
 Understand what I am offering you here. This is everything you've ever wanted. From the time you were a boy, [places the belt over Roman's shoulder] you wanted to put this on your shoulder, right? You wanted to say, "I'm the man." You wanted everything that comes with it. The respect, all of it. You don't wanna die, and on your tombstone, it says, "yeah, but everybody liked me." You want them to build a monument in your honor. Right? I am offering you an opportunity here for you and what is most important in your life, and I know what is most important in your life outside of this. It's your family. It's your family. I'm not talking about setting up your wife and your daughter, I'm talking about setting up your daughter's daughter, Roman. I'm talking about giving you everything you have ever wanted out of life. [Takes belt back and places on pedestal] All you have to do, all you have to do is be my man.
 Everything I have in life, I earned it. Everything that I've done, I did it my way. I've never taken a handout, and nobody can ever take that away from me. But it ain't going down tonight; you can take your offer, and you can shove it.
 Roman, thank you. Thank you for reminding me why I didn't choose you in the first place.
 If I win the WWE Championship at Survivor Series, I'm gonna turn this whole place upside-down! We're throwing all the rules out the window! Ain't gonna be no more suits, ain't gonna be no more ties. More action, less talking! I want more pyro, I want breakfast for dinner, we're gonna replace Michael Cole with a fish tank. We're throwing all the rules out the window. This Sunday at Survivor Series, I make the entire WWE the Ambrose Asylum.
 [At the contract signing for the WWE Divas Championship match at Survivor Series]
 Ladies, this is what the WWE fans are trying to figure out here. I mean, I was with you guys when you were at your NXT tryouts. You guys bonded, and over the last couple of years, you've become the best of friends. But what the WWE Universe can't figure out is where it all went wrong. What happened to the friendship between you two?
 First of all, this is no friendships, Michael. When you're a true champion, there is no room for emotion or friendships. So I had to teach Charlotte that the hard way, and I intend to do so again this Sunday when I take back my Divas Championship.
 [Paige signs the contract]
 It must be exhausting being this bitter and angry all the time.
 How have I been all angry, Charlotte? I don't even look that way.
 I wanted to be like you. I was the naive, sweet Carolina girl; you were the British badass. You know, we didn't grow up like most little girls. We sat at home watching our parents on the television night after night sacrificing their body. They cared about the WWE almost as much as they cared about us. That's why my late brother...[starts to tear up] When my little brother passed away, you were there for me. I... I am here today because of him, and that's the only reason to fulfill his dream. We were family.
 You know what, Charlotte? It doesn't matter what I said or what I thought about you, okay? This isn't a sorority house, sweetheart. I have been using you since day one.
 "Using" me? Using me? Well, you must really suck at using me, because that's why I'm the Divas Champion and you're not. But the sad thing is, Paige, it didn't have to be like that. Because it's not about the Title, it's about who's got your back at the end of the day.
 And where did you learn that, Dr. Phil or Seventeen magazine? Or...you gonna keep crying, Charlotte?
 Team Xtreme, D-Generation X, the Four Horsemen. Team PCB was going to change the Divas division...until you let your selfish ways get in the way.
 Oh, okay, okay. First of all, wrong. I threw PCB away because I deserve that championship more than anyone, and especially more than you.
 You're not a champion! You never were! A champion is a role model. A champion is someone those little girls sitting at home and sitting in that audience want to be like.
 I won't be Champion forever, but when I lose that title, it won't be this Sunday, and it damn sure won't be to someone like you.
 Wow, Charlotte. You know what? That was quite a speech. I had a tear in my eye. Oh, no, wait, wait, wait. That's confidence. You are so naive, Charlotte, it makes me sick, and it is embarrassing.
 [as Paige is about to leave] Oh, wait a moment, Charlotte, the contract.
 You know what? You know what? I am so sick of this. You think that everyone has your back, and that's a bunch of bull. No one has your back, and no one will have your back this Sunday. Not even Daddy, Mr. Four Horsemen himself. You know what? Where are you, Ric? Where are you? Why don't you come on out here, and drop one of those famous elbowdrops on your jacket. 'Cause you know what? It is so impressive, you old fart!
 You shut your mouth, or there won't be a Survivor Series! You won't even make it out of this building!
 Charlotte, Paige has signed the contract...
 I will continue to fight each and every day, just like everyone in my entire family has, just like my dad did, just like my little brother did, and just like I do!
 You know what, Charlotte? You're wrong, sweetheart, 'cause your little baby brother...he didn't have much fight in him, did he?
 [Charlotte lunges at Paige, and the two brawl before being separated by referees]
 [on the YES! chants from the audience] So, just now, I was able to close my eyes and feel that. Like, literally feel it in a way that I've never gotten to feel it before, because when we're here, we always have to keep our eyes open. But just that experience, literally, I'm never gonna forget it.
 But now...but now, it is time for me to address the giant elephant in the room.
 [chants] NO!
 I know, I know, I didn't want to shave my beard either. But the thing is, is that I wanted to cut my hair, and once I cut my hair, I looked really silly with this giant beard. And this is just my one cheap plug, is that I cut my hair for an organization called Wigs 4 Kids, and one of the nice things about them is that they make wigs for kids who have had cancer, and they don't charge the families at all for that, so...if there is anything worthwhile that comes out of what I'm saying tonight, that's it right there.
 But now to some less fun stuff. So...
 [chants] NO!
 Trust me, I don't want to be doing this any more than you want me to be doing this. But the truth is, I've been wrestling since I was 18 years old, and within the first five months of my wrestling career, I'd already had three concussions. And for years after that, I would get a concussion here and there, or here, or there, and it gets to point that, when you've been wrestling for 16 years, that adds up to a lot of concussions. And it gets to a point where they tell you that you can't wrestle anymore. [Audience boos] And for a long time, I fought that because I'd gotten EEGs and brain MRIs and neuropsychological evaluations, and all of them said this, that I was fine and I could come back and I could wrestle, and I trained like I would come back and I would wrestle, and I was ready at a moment's notice if WWE needed me, I wanted to come back and wrestle, because this...I have loved this in a way that I have never loved anything else.
 [chants] THANK YOU, DANIEL!
 But a week and a half ago, I...I took a test that said maybe my brain isn't as okay as I thought it was, and I have a family to think about, and my wife and I want to start having kids soon.
 [chants] YES!
 That's what Brie says all the time!
 [chants] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
 So...it is with a heavier heart and the utmost sadness that I officially announcement my retirement. But if there's one thing...so I've gone through all these complex emotions in this last little bit. You know, I've been angry, I've been sad, I've been frustrated, I've been all of that. But today, when I woke up this morning, I felt nothing but gratitude because I have gotten to do what I love for nearly 16 years. Let me tell you a few of the things that I love, okay? Let me tell you a few of the things that I love. Nobody outside of this arena or this city cares about this, but I love the Seahawks. Here's another thing that I love. Here's another thing that I love. Right before my music hits, and it makes that weird sound right before it comes on, and when you guys react every single time, even if I'm tired as hell or I've been hurting, every time, I get this weird little smirk on my face that's not like...but it just...it brings joy to my heart, and I love it every single time.
 Do you know what else that I love? I love hitting the ropes and diving right here. [Sticks himself between the top two ropes] It has made me feel like Superman, and your guys' reaction to that made me feel like Superman. I love that.
 Here's another thing that I love. Here's another thing that I love. I have wrestled in the parking lot of gas stations, and I have wrestled in front of 70-plus thousand people in New Orleans. Here's another thing that I love. I have gotten to meet the most amazing people on this planet, such as somebody who looks like a monster, but is the smartest man I know, like Kane. I have gotten to meet a man who has been my mentor and my friend for over 16 years in William Regal. I have gotten to meet children that are stronger than I've ever thought anybody could be, like Connor.
 Grateful. I am very grateful, and I'm grateful because wrestling doesn't owe me or anybody back there, it doesn't owe us anything. WWE doesn't owe us anything, nobody owes...you guys don't owe us anything. We do this because we love to do this. And then, it was strange because I did this because I love to do this, and then all of a sudden, you guys just got behind me [starting to tear up] in a way that I never thought was possible, in a way that fans shouldn't necessarily get behind a guy who's 5'8" and 190 pounds. You guys got behind me in a way that made me feel that I was more than just me, and for that, I'm grateful. I'm grateful because, a little over two years ago, in this very arena, you guys hijacked Raw.
 [chants] YES!
 And they were trying to do a big championship coronation between Randy Orton and John Cena. They were combining the WWE Championship with the World Heavyweight Championship, and they had all the former Champions out here, and this was gonna be the most important match in WWE history, and you guys just wouldn't stop chanting "Daniel Bryan!"
 [chants] DANIEL BRYAN!
 But that's not why I'm grateful. My dad was sitting right over there, where the guy with the goat mask with the Daniel Bryan sign is standing right now. And my dad got to see that, his son getting that kind of reaction from all you people. [Tearing up] And that was the last time my dad ever got to see me wrestle, and you guys made it special for him and for me and for my entire family. I am grateful. I am grateful, because of wrestling, I got to meet the most wonderful woman in the world, who's beautiful, she is smart, and she completes me in a way that I didn't even think was possible, and that's because of wrestling. I am grateful. I am grateful because I get to come out here in front of what I feel is my hometown fans. I get to announce my retirement in front of a bunch of people who love me. Right?
 That special moment that I had with my dad, I get to share this moment with my mom, with my sister, with my family, with my friends. I get to share that with them, I get to share it with you, I get to share it with my wife in the back, I get to share it with all of these wonderful human beings that I have spent the last 15 years of my life with. I am grateful.
 Now, tomorrow morning, I start...I start a new life. A life where I am no longer a wrestler. But that is tomorrow, and that is not tonight! And by damn, I have one more night to feel this energy, and to feel this crowd! So if I could just get one last "YES!" chant, I would really appreciate it!
 Oh, boy, last night was a long night in Las Vegas, and I'm not even talking about the stuff I don't remember. There was an incident with a security guard at the Hard Rock, there was this whole Cleveland Cavaliers celebration party thing. [A few boos and cheers from the crowd] I don't know, I don't like those guys anyway, don't look at me. They were freakishly tall and it weirded me out, I don't know. I think I had my foot ran over by a cab. Oh, yeah, and this other thing happened where I had to climb a 15-foot ladder and win the Money in the Bank ladder match! I think, at some point in the night, I almost got bitten by a dog. I mean, it was a long night. Oh, yeah, and then, this other thing happened, where I cashed in my Money in the Bank contract on Seth Rollins, and I became the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion!
 You wanna talk about another guy who had a long night, Seth Rollins. He was just the right guy at the right place at the wrong time. So listen up, kiddos, Uncle Dean-o's gonna give your lesson of the week. So listen up, pay attention. What goes around, comes back around. You know what, let me give you another lesson while I'm out here pontificating and stuff, here's another lesson for you. Hard work pays off! Busting your ass, keeping your nose to the grindstone pays off! And when it pays off, baby, it pays off big!
 So Seth called himself "The Man," Roman called himself "The Guy." I don't know, what does that make me? The Dude?
 [chanting] DUDE!
 Oh, I kinda like it. I don't care, you can call me whatever you want, but you call me Champion! I've been chasing this for two years, and this is the reason I kept picking myself off... picking myself up, dusting myself off, patching myself back together; this is why I kept on trucking, this is why I kept on swinging. And as I sit here with this Championship in the middle of this ring live on Monday Night Raw, I can tell you, baby, it was all worth it 'cause we ain't having no hard times anymore!
 if he ever becomes a champion, you can be guaranteed there's a scandal involved.
 This is my yard now. (people heavily boo loudly)
 You know what's funny? The way you all react to the manner in which I introduce my client, Brock Lesnar, because someone has a problem with the word "undisputed." Someone wants to dispute the fact that Brock Lesnar is the champion in World Wrestling Entertainment. This same someone, who's over on SmackDown Live has barely survived the title challenge of Randy Orton. This same someone has barely survived the title challenge of Shinsuke Nakamura. This same someone is sitting up at night, plotting and planning, trying to figure out how to barely survive the potential title challenge of AJ Styles. Meanwhile, right over here on the flagship show Monday Night Raw, Brock Lesnar has eaten through the single most stacked heavyweight division in the history of WWE. That fact is undisputed.
 You know what else is undisputed? That we live in the age of trash-talking. Everybody wants to trash-talk, everybody wants to hurl insults, everybody wants to not give props where props are due. Everyone wants to run down their opponent, everybody wants to hurl insults at their opponents' families, everyone wants to be the king of trash-talk, brand their opponents as losers instead of box office attractions.
 You know what else is undisputed? That the king of the trash-talk is the advocate with the mic in his hand right now. And yet, despite the fact that you clamor for me to trash-talk, I don't trash-talk Brock Lesnar's opponents, and I'll tell you why. Because any man deemed worthy of stepping into the ring to fight Brock Lesnar must be a real man, must have a whole lot of merit going on behind him. I didn't trash-talk Goldberg, I praised Goldberg, and rightfully so. I didn't trash-talk Samoa Joe, I praised Samoa Joe, and rightfully so. I didn't trash-talk Braun Strowman, I praised Braun Strowman, and oh, my God, rightfully so.
 But you? Jinder Mahal? The make-believe maharaja, with the Singh-Singh-Singh-Singh singalong Brothers standing behind you doing my shtick of introducing you? Are you kidding me? You're not Brock Lesnar's equal, you're not Brock Lesnar's contemporary, you're not Brock Lesnar's counterpart on SmackDown Live, you're not even a worthy pretender to the throne of being WWE Champion! When we think of WWE Champions, we think of Bruno Sammartino, Hulk Hogan, "Macho Man" Randy Savage, Ric Flair, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, John Cena, and, ladies and gentlemen, my client Brock Lesnar! We don't think of Jinder Mahal, a consolation prize champion offered to SmackDown Live when Shane McMahon and Daniel Bryan realized they got the shaft in the Superstar shake-up.
 And please don't think that my client is waving the flag of Monday Night Raw, marching into Survivor Series to defend the honor of Raw over SmackDown in the name of brand supremacy. Ladies and gentlemen, there is no battle for brand supremacy. Any brand that brags Brock Lesnar—say that three times fast—the brand that brags Brock Lesnar is the #1 brand. The brand that brags Brock Lesnar is the supreme brand. The brand that brags Brock Lesnar is the flagship brand with the #1 champion, the place to be in World Wrestling Entertainment. That's undisputed. And because Jinder Mahal disputes that fact, Jinder Mahal, at Survivor Series, you're going to Suplex City.
 I feel like... I feel like I owe everyone an apology. For months, maybe even a full year, I've come out here and spoke as Roman Reigns, and I said a lot of things, you know. I said that I'd be here every single week, I said I'd be a fightin' champion, I said I was gonna be consistent, and I said I was gonna be a workhorse, but...that's all lies. It's a lie because the reality is, my real name is Joe, and I've been living with leukemia for 11 years. And unfortunately, it's back. And because the leukemia is back, I cannot fulfill my role, I can't be that fightin' champion, and I'm gonna have to relinquish the Universal Championship.
 And I'm not gonna lie, I'll take every prayer you send my way, but I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not looking for you to feel bad for me, because I have faith. When I was 22 years old, I was diagnosed with this, and very quickly, I was able to put in in remission. But I'm not gonna lie, that was the hardest time of my life. I didn't have a job, I didn't have any money, I didn't have a home, and I had a baby on the way, and football was done with me.
 But you wanna know who gave me a chance? The team that gave me a chance was the WWE. And when I finally made it to the main roster and I was on the road, they put me in front of all of you, the WWE Universe. And to be honest, y'all have made my dreams come true. And it didn't matter if you cheered me, it didn't matter if you booed me. You've always reacted to me, and that is the most important thing, and for that, I have to say thank you so much.
 [chanting] THANK YOU, ROMAN!
 Thank you. But you all know the deal. You all know how life is. Life is not fair, it's not all peaches and cream. Sometimes life throws you a curve ball. And right now, the best thing for me to do is to go home, to focus on my family and my health.
 But I wanna make one thing clear. By no means is this a retirement speech. [The audience cheers] Because after I'm done whoopin' leukemia's ass once again, I'm coming back home. And when I do, it's not just be about titles and being on top. No, it's about a purpose. I'm coming back because I want to show all of you, the whole world, I wanna show my family, my friends, my children, and my wife that when life throws a curve ball at me, I am the type of man that will stand in that batter's box, I will crowd the plate, I will choke up, and I will swing for the fences every single time! Because I will beat this, and I will be back, so you will see me very, very soon. Once again, thank you so much, God bless you, and I love you. Believe that.
 Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and tonight, my thoughts and my prayers are with the champion of a man you know as Roman Reigns. It is humbling to me amongst the members of that locker room tonight and to have been in the presence of such courage and such greatness. And when I go home tonight and I have to explain this all to my children, what I want my children to understand about this show, this presentation, this business, this industry that we all love is, what you witnessed tonight, as much as you witnessed that courage, what you witnessed was sacrifice. Because what Roman Reigns did tonight was, he sacrificed his career aspirations because, as he said, he couldn't fulfill the obligations of being the Universal Champion, because to everyone that walks through that locker room, the title deserves the best that any champion has to offer it.
 05 PM, Eastern Time tonight, we had the right to brag that the very best, the #1 was the Universal Champion.
 So now, what do we do? Roman Reigns does not want the title to stop because he can no longer defend it. Roman Reigns is the first person to tell you the show must go on, and so it does. At Crown Jewel, Brock Lesnar vs. Braun Strowman, and only one can say, "I'm the one that carries on the legacy that Roman Reigns brought to this ring tonight. I'm the one that's worthy of the prestige of being the champion. I'm the one that's worthy of the honor of being the champion. I'm the one that's worthy of being the champion," and that sure as hell ain't Braun Strowman! There's only one being in this match at Crown Jewel that's worthy of the honor of being your champion, worthy of the dignity of being your champion, worthy of walking into the Octagon and laying that title down in front of the sports universe and saying, "I am the best WWE has to offer, I'm the Universal Champion, and my name is Brock Lesnar!"
 So Braun Strowman can walk around all that he wants and bill himself as a monster! My client Brock Lesnar doesn't bill himself as a beast. He's not a man, he is a beast! And Braun Strowman, you're not in Brock Lesnar's league. You're not in Brock Lesnar's category. You're not in Brock Lesnar's stratosphere. Braun Strowman, you can't compare to Brock Lesnar! You're not even a member of the same species as Brock Lesnar!
 Look at this. The Man is back on Raw. Ronnie, I told you I'd find a way back to you again. Now, for about a year now, I've been hearing about this "baddest woman on the planet," but the last time I came to your show, I dropped you right...[points down to the left] there. And even after that, you never came looking for me to prove that you're the baddest. So, Ronnie, I've come looking for you to prove you're not.
 [chanting] BECKY!
 And you've heard about this, but last night, I won the Royal Rumble match. And unlike Seth Rollins, I don't need much time to think. I choose you.
 Oh yeah!
 [chanting] YES!
 And at WrestleMania, I am going to break your mystique, I am going to take your title, and I am gonna kick your ass in front of the whole world.
 [chanting, as Ronda Rousey motions for a mic] KICK HER ASS!
 I want the whole world to hear this. First off, how's your leg? Huh? 'Cause unlike you, I want my opponent to be looking me in the eye and primed to fight. I don't just want to beat you, I want to beat the best version of Becky Lynch that has ever existed.
 And let's just be completely honest, shall we? You, me, and everyone else here knows that I can re-break your face faster than you can say, "Nia Jax." In fact, you, me, and everyone else here knows that I have the ability to kill you with my bare hands without even breaking a sweat, and the only thing stopping me is my decision not to.
 You know what, Becky? I just realized that we are the same age. That means while you were training, I was main-eventing in a sport that didn't even want women in it at all, let alone in the main event. And last year, while you were in the... the kickoff show for WrestleMania, I stole the show in my debut! How long have you been The Man, Becky? Because I've been a household name for a decade.
 You gotta learn something here, honey. Any ring I step into is mine, I own the ground under my feet, and I'm gonna own you at WrestleMania!
 Oh, yeah! Can WrestleMania happen tomorrow?!
 Seriously, I am ready to see these two women throw down on the grandest stage of them all! Let me tell you This will be the best match in wrestlemania
 [drags Ric Flair out of his locker room] Hey Hunter, do I have your attention now? [takes off sunglasses] HUH!?
 You know, I... I... I really thought coming out here tonight would cure what ails me. All it did was reinforce what I've realized over the past nine months. It genuinely seems like you miss me. I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart, I honestly did not miss any of this or any one of you. Yeah, so it turns out WWE is a super, like, toxic environment. [Sarcastic laugh] It's not because of the McMahons, and it ain't because of the other WWE Superstars, it's because of this audience and your ugliness!
 Let me be honest. I live a very meaningful and fulfilled life; I'm quite happy. But your lives seem so empty and so devoid of any kind of meaning that the only joy you get, it's not even from coming out and enjoying the shows as fans. You only get joy and satisfaction out of being critics. [Mocking laugh] You wanna know why that is, moron? You wanna know why? It's 'cause it's the only thing that gives you any sort of sense of self-importance. You judge everyone and everything except yourselves. You wanna know why that is? It's 'cause none of you have the balls to look inside yourself 'cause you know the ugliness and the cynicism that lives inside of you. You're so bloody delusional, it's hilarious.
 You really think you guys are, like, the voice of reason? You really think you guys are, like, the [mocking] voices that should be heard. Hear me roar! No. Seemingly overnight, you have become the evil overlords of WWE. Sami Zayn has been about one thing his entire career and his entire life, and that is doing what is right. And now, the right thing to do isn't to come back and [fake heroic] save WWE, and it's not to come over and take over the WWE. The right thing to do is to come out here every single week and hold each and every single one of you accountable because nobody else will. See you in Hell.
 Let me explain something to you. See this right here? [Points to the WWE Universal Championship] This is my life, Lesnar. Yeah, I see that. Shut your mouth. This is my life, this is what I work for every single day, what I sacrifice for every single day, and you come out here and you make a mockery out of it. And not because you walk out here with your stupid little beat box. You make a mockery out of it because you are a joke. Yeah. That's not the joke, you're the joke, and I'm not afraid of you. I stomped your head into the mat at WrestleMania, and I can do it again right here, right now.
 Yeah, you used to be the most feared man in combat sports history, and look at you. You're a coward hiding behind Paul Heyman. The shell of what you used to be. You want a chance to prove me wrong, Lesnar? [Points to the Money in the Bank briefcase] There's your chance. There's your chance, Lesnar. Cash it in! Cash it in! Cash it in! Cash it in!
 "the parties mutually agree that the winner of the 2019 Money in the Bank contract, in his sole discretion"—that's Brock Lesnar—"picks the time and the place to challenge for either the WWE or Universal Heavyweight Championship. The aforementioned challenge shall take place at any time, with no notice, to either champion, on or by the expiration of this agreement, one year after 2019 Money in the Bank pay-per-view event. Therefore, before May 19, 2020, said challenger Brock Lesnar..."
 [Brock cups the mic, stopping Paul's recitation. He looks at the contract.]
 I got a year?
 Yeah!
 To cash in.
 A year! [Pissed, Brock smacks Paul with the contract] Didn't you know?!
 No, I didn't know!
 How could you not know?! You have to make a decision!
 [to Seth] I got a whole year! And I gotta make a decision now? Seth Rollins, screw...you.
 Now, I understand, that there are a number of you... [hears "Asshole!" chants] I understand that there are a number of you... I understand that... I understand that some of you feel as though that the McMahon-Helmsley Faction, last Monday on RAW, just wasn't fair to Chris Jericho. I understand that many of you feel as though, since the McMahon-Helmsley Faction made Chris Jericho compete on three different occasions, defending the Intercontinental title until he lost it, that it just wasn't fair. Well, that's just too damn bad. Because, if you don't think it was fair Monday, you're probably the same kind of people who wait in line, you wait forever in line, like sheep all lined up, you wait in line, waiting your turn, and then you'll see someone like myself, very aggressively cut in the front of the line, and you'll say, "Wait a minute! That's not fair!" And what about the parking lot, we've all been there. There you are, patiently waiting for your little parking space, and it suddenly appears, you start driving your car - Oop! Someone zips in, cuts you off, parks their car, and you say "Wait a minute! That's MY parking space, that's not fair!" What about, what about on those few occasions, when you will honestly and objectively, look into the full-length mirror? [senses reactions] Alright, now we're getting somewhere. And you women, look into the mirror, and you look at yourselves, and you say "Ewwww, eeeeh. Look at the cellulite hanging from my hips and my buttocks! That's not fair!" And you men, you men won't come close to the mirror! But on that occasion where you might take a quick glimpse, you say "Oh, That can't be me. No, that can't be me with the pot belly, and the small genitalia! Oh no, that's not fair!" And you look at yourselves. Go ahead, look at yourselves! Look at the person sitting next to you, yeah, look at ‘em! Look at the person sitting in front of you! Go ahead, look at all of you! You look at yourselves, and you compare yourselves to the beautiful people here in this ring, and you say "THAT'S NOT FAIR!!!" And, forget about the looks, what about [makes money gesture] the money, huh? What about the money?! Uh-huh! You scrimp and you save, you work yourselves half to death, and still, you can't afford what you really want? "That's not fair!" It's not fair that some people are rich and you're not! "That's not fair!" And you know, you have to face the facts, that the vast majority of you are just born with inferior DNA. And you say "It's not fair I'm born with inferior DNA!" but you feel sorry for yourselves, you wallow in your self-pity, and then you have to face the facts, that life is... not... fair. And some of you, a select few, you might as well go ahead and admit it, you might as well own up to the philosophy, for some of you, and that is that - Life sucks, and then you die!!
 He betrayed himself. He became one of you. I know, I watched as he showed compassion and defended Stephanie McMahon. I watched as he showed weakness in losing to Brock Lesnar. This man was not my brother. This man was not a monster. A monster shows no compassion. A monster has no weaknesses. My brother was nothing but a FRAUD. When I stopped that, I took this impostor, I buried him alive... and I enjoyed it. As I look around all I see is a mass of pathetic insects that I can destroy any time I wanted. But at least you people are true your nature. My brother was not. But thanks to me, you will never have to see his pathetic carcass again. This so called 'Deadman' was dead and buried long before Survivor Series. So all I have to say... is rest in peace, my brother. Rest in peace!
 There has been a lot of talk about my actions last week on Smackdown. I have been called a liar, a con artist, and quite frankly, it hurts because you people have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. I'm an extraordinary human being capable of doing extraordinary things. In case you forgot, I won an Olympic gold medal with a broken neck. And last week, when I saw Eddie Guerrero, who I despise, who brings shame and disgrace to this company, who was about to regain the WWE championship, I sucked it up, set aside my pain, and did what I had to do to make sure it didn't happen. I did the impossible. Do I believe in miracles? Yes, I do. And sure, afterwards, I regressed, my doctors told me that my actions enabled me to further damage my knee. My therapists told me that I risked permanent paralysis. But, it was worth it. It was worth it for the greater good, to maintain Kurt Angle's Smackdown. Where men are rewarded by morality. Where men, like John Cena, are stripped of the U.S. championship. Where men, like John "Bradshaw" Layfield, stand tall as the WWE champion. A Smackdown where Eddie Guerrero becomes obsolete. That's right, Eddie! [hears "Eddie" chants] You see, Eddie Guerrero, what he did was wrong. But, I'll tell you what. I'm gonna give Eddie Guerrero a chance tonight to keep his job because what he did, I could fire Eddie on the spot. But, I'm a decent man, so I'm not gonna do that. But, there's one thing that Eddie Guerrero has to do. He has to come out here and he has to convince me to keep his job, provided that he begs for it. If Eddie Guerrero gets on his knees ans begs in front of me for his job back, I promise, as general manager of Smackdown, I will let him keep his job. But, it's got to be good and it's got to be sincere. And I'll show you what I'm talking about.[Turns to Tony Chimel] Tony, would you come in the ring? And bring your microphone.
 [Tony Chimel enters the ring]
 In case you don't know who this man is, this is our ring announcer and Philadelphia's own, Tony Chimel. [audience cheers] Mr. Chimel is a great significance to me because he was the ring announcer at my last match, Wrestlemania XX. The match where Eddie Guerrero cheated to win. And the last image that keeps going over and over and over and over again in my head is Tony Chimel, with a smile on his face, announcing, "And the winner is Eddie Guerrero!" Now, Mr. Chimel, in case you didn't know, when you cheat, you don't win which makes you a liar. And in my book, that's immediate grounds for dismissal. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What, you saying I'm a liar? Is that what you're saying? No? I'll tell you what, Tony Chimel. I could fire you on the spot. But, I'll tell you what. If you can convince me to keep your job, I'll let you have your job. Go ahead.
 Kurt, I...
 Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Knees. On your knees.
 [getting on his knees] Mr. Angle, I sincerely apologize if I offended you in any way. Please, just let me keep my job. Please.
 Are you kidding me? You call that begging? Say it like you mean it!
 Mr. Angle, please. Please, I have a wife and three kids. I just... just wanna have my job, please.
 All right, all right, all right. That was good. Much better. Actually, that was really good, but not good enough. Tony Chimel, YOU'RE FIRED! [audience boos] NOW, GET OUT OF MY RING! GO, NOW!
 [Tony Chimel leaves the ring]
 I'm sorry, but Tony Chimel's not a very good beggar. But, don't worry, people, because someone will be begging for their job tonight. And that man is Eddie Guerrero.
 greatness, dignity, courage, respect. A man who, last week, single handedly, by himself, one-on-one, mano y mano destroyed John Cena! That man is your United States Champion, the greatest athlete in SmackDown! history, Mr. Orlando Jordan!
 [chanting] CENA!
 The "Cena" chants begin.
 I understand Virginia is a little backward, but you're chanting for the loser. Chant the winner's name, OJ. You see, because there's a lot about OJ you don't know. OJ grew up with many brothers and many sisters. OJ grew up in the inner city. OJ realized at a young age that he could be like you people out here and that he could be paying to see me. OJ didn't want that, so he did the right thing. He turned his back on his family. He turned his back on his inner city. He wanted greatness in his life, and here he stands right now, your United States Champion, with you people out there, him in here! And tonight, you will see that greatness has no bounds. Tonight, you will see all the gold come to the Cabinet. You see, I'm a wrestling god, and gods must be adorned with gold. So tonight, Rey Mysterio, you and Eddie Guerrero... tonight, you will face the Cabinet. And tonight, you will see why we are successful and you are not, because we hold ourselves to a standard that you cannot possibly fathom! We hold ourselves to a standard that is so high, most of you never see it. Tonight, you will realize what is class and what is not, and why common people never stand here with championships.[Turns to Orlando Jordan] What is that thing you're carrying?
 Why, JBL, I believe this is what John Cena used to call [spins the plate on the belt] his United States Championship title.
 Looks to me like some little bling-bling sideshow, like a hubcap that these kids, instead of putting money in their education, put on their cars. That, I find disgusting. That, for the time-honored tradition of sports entertainment, must be destroyed. The Bashams, the Secretaries of Defense, would you please do me a favor and get the trash can and the stairs, please?
 [The Bashams bring the top half of the ringside steps into the ring and place a trash can in front of it]
 "Trash can and stairs"? What's going on?
 You people are about to understand why it is sometimes good for America that the rich keep the common down.
 Bashams brought stairs in the... now there's a trash can.
 That belt right there is everything I find reprehensible, everything I hate about John Cena! He has taken a time-honored tradition like the United States Championship and he has made it into a sideshow freak ride! For that, that must be destroyed, just like at WrestleMania, John Cena will not only be destroyed but he will bow at the feet of greatness! John Cena talks about street cred? I own the damn street! [Orlando hands the belt to JBL, who lays it into the trash can and takes a remote from Danny Basham] Just like your career, Cena...[JBL turns one switch on the remote] up...in...smoke.
 [He turns the second switch, which triggers an explosion inside the trash can]
 WHOA!
 You've gotta be kidding me. Cena's championship was in there.
 Orlando, that piece of trash was destroyed. I had something flown in from WWE Headquarters, the WWE Vault, worthy of you. [Doug Basham holds out a briefcase, which JBL opens and takes out the traditional United States Championship] Ladies and gentlemen, to a great American. To a man with class, something with class. The greatest athlete in SmackDown! history. [He hands the title over to Orlando] Give it up for Orlando Jordan, your United States Champion! [Orlando and JBL stand on the steps hoisting their respective titles high] Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you your United States Champion, Orlando Jordan, your future Tag Team Champions, and the WWE Heavyweight Champion, John "Bradshaw" Layfield!
 Well, I told you what was going to happen out here. You'll be screwed up. But Kurt, I should have said, you were the one that was going to get screwed. I am now the manager of the World's Strongest Man, and the next World Heavyweight Champion, Mark Henry.
 What?
 What the hell is going on here? Daivari's Henry's manager?
 Oh my God.
 I never saw this coming. Did Angle get double-crossed here? Is Daivari managing Mark Henry?
 I'd love to know what the hell happened, but the bottom line is that Daivari is managing Mark Henry.
 [Chavo Guerrero appears.]
 I can't wait to hear this. Nothing this man can say will convince me what he did to Rey Mysterio in the past two weeks was right.
 Where's your objectivity?
 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Chavo Guerrero.
 And why are you surprised? Why does Kasparov play chess? It's in his DNA. It's in Chavo's DNA to be a Guerrero. I've known three generations of Guerreros; you cannot trust a Guerrero. Lie, cheat and steal, remember Michael?
 Oh yeah, I remember. That's the Guerrero motto.
 Don't look down on it.
 Eddie Guerrero made that phrase famous.
 And this is his nephew.
 what is betrayal? Is betrayal stealing from another man? Is betrayal stealing his name from him? Stealing his blood? Because that's what Rey Mysterio did to me, did to my whole family, the Guerrero family. What? You don't believe me? You don't believe that Rey Mysterio is a thief? Let me tell you what he stole from me. I grew up with Eddie Guerrero. We were like brothers. We used to lie, cheat, and steal together. When Eddie passed away, we all felt it. We all felt it, we were all devastated. I retired from wrestling, I walked away from wrestling. But did Rey Mysterio? Noooo. He used the Guerrero name, Eddie's name. It seemed like every other match, Rey was dedicating the match to Eddie's memory. Royal Rumble, No Way Out, even at WrestleMania. Every five minutes, he was mentioning Eddie's name, very, very convenient. And when Rey won the World Heavyweight Championship, it got even worse. Rey, you couldn't stand on your own, Rey, you couldn't keep the title on your own. What did you do? You used another Guerrero—me. Rey, I saved you from losing the title to JBL. I saved you from losing the title to Mark Henry. I saved you over and over and over again. But you decided to stand here in the middle of this ring and take all the glory, and use Eddie's spotlight and Eddie's name that all of you chanted to him. At The Great American Bash, I couldn't take it anymore. And that's when I realized that, Rey Mysterio, you didn't just steal Eddie from me, you didn't just steal Eddie from the Guerrero family, you stole the memory of Eddie from each and every one of these people out here, from you [points to one person in the audience], from you [points to another person in the audience]. People ask me why I did what I did. Because Rey Mysterio, you're nothing but a leech, living off the blood of the Guerrero name.
 [Rey Mysterio appears. Rey and Chavo fought each other until Vickie Guerrero appears and separates them.]
 [Hornswoggle attacks Jonathon Coachman.]
 Referees don't do that.
 Well, when you're a McMahon, you can do whatever you want to do, right?
 Oh, that's a good point.
 [The Flower Shop]
 And now, here's your host of the Flower Shop, Adorable Adrian!
 (Adrian Adonis comes out with Bob Orton)
 Ha ha ha ha. Welcome to the highest rated show in television today, the Flower Shop! But unfortunately, unfortunately, my guest, what the hell, Rowdy Roddy Piper. Pretty slow. He needs a weapon.
 (Piper coming out with a stick) You're looking very well today. I'd say about a 34B wouldn't you? Wait, wait, wait! I did not come here to cause trouble Pinky. No, I did not come here to insult you and tell you that you look like you need the home pregnancy test. I did not come here for that. No! No sir, I came here for a reason. I've got something for you. I have here statistics of the WWF ratings and if you gentlemen and you too Adrian wouldn't mind, I would love to read them for you. We have viewers watching us right now, seven million men, six--
 The Flower Shop. Go on.
 Six million women--
 Greatest show on Earth.
 3.8 million teenagers, a total of over two hundred television stations.
 The Flower Shop! The Flower Shop!
 Twenty million people a week watch this.
 The Flower Shop! Come on, come on, say it!
 The first thirty five minutes of the program is watched by the total audience.
 Come on, the Flower Shop! Come on! Come on!
 There is something about the Flower Shop, there is. It says right here that around the thirty-five minute mark comes the Flower Shop and it has been the number one rated for constipation in the world because everybody is in the bathroom! And not only that, I got this for you! (hands a telegram to Jimmy Hart)
 Read that!
 (reading) "The World Wrestling Federation television network please advise that the Flower Shop will not be presented next week in order that we may present a return of Piper's Pit"!!!
 [Adonis and Orton go berserk]
 [Piper's Pit; Roddy Piper walks out to where a six foot tall golden trophy is standing]
 Nineteen hundred and eighty seven and I'm still alive!! In the true fashion of Piper's Pit, I have something that you can tell very prestigious and possibly the most important Pit I have ever done in my life. Obviously, we have here a presentation and to do the presentation, I would like the president of the WWF, Jack Tunney to please come out here and issue the presentation.
 Thank you.
 Pleasure to have you here.
 Ladies and gentlemen, we are very delighted to help honor a very special man on a very special occasion. Let me read what it says on this trophy. "Three years ago this week, you captured the WWF heavyweight championship belt in a memorable battle. You are one of the greatest athletes in the history of sports. You are a champion who has raised wrestling to heights never before scaled. You are one of America's most patriotic citizens. You are loved and idolized by men, women and children of all ages. You are the single most recognizable star in the entire world. We salute you on the third anniversary of your reign. Let's all honor the one and only, Hulk Hogan!"
 [Hulk Hogan comes out to accept the trophy]
 It's yours!
 Unbelievable. You know, January 23rd, 1984 when I won the world title, I knew there was something special man. I knew there was some kind of electricity. But I never believed three long years down the road, thousands of people just like you would all turn into hulkamaniacs. And to receive an award for something I believe in, the training, say your prayers and eat your vitamins, to be rewarded for living this thing, this is unbelievable. This has got to be just as great as I won the world title. This has got to be just as great as the first time I saw all you hulkamaniacs. And from here, it's higher and higher we go. This is unbelievable. Unbelievable.
 [Andre the Giant comes out]
 Whoa! Ladies and gentlemen, Hulk Hogan's best friend, Andre the Giant! I'm sure you've come here for congratulations and I'm sure you have something to say.
 Three years to be a champion. It's a long time.
 A long time yes.
 [Andre gives Hogan a big handshake, squeezing Hulk's hand a bit tight]
 Well, well, nice trophy, a nice trophy here. Here you go Hogan, thanks to you. World's heavyweight champion, Hulk Hogan!
 [Piper's Pit; Roddy Piper comes out to where another trophy is standing.]
 Yeah, you can tell it's 1987 by the way I wash my hair. We have real special Pit again this week as you can see, standing to my right. We had an exceptional one last week and without further ado, I would like to again bring out the president of the WWF, Jack Tunney to present this special award. Mr. Jack Tunney.
 Thank you very much Roddy. We are very pleased to honor another extraordinary WWF hero. I'll read what's on the trophy. "This man is the all time greatest athlete in the history of wrestling. This man is the only undefeated wrestler in the WWF's history. Please join me and saluting the one and only Andre the Giant!"
 [As Andre comes out] In living color, Andre the Giant! This is a very special and prestigious award and you are very deservedly so. You are a tremendous athlete and I am proud to be part of giving you this award and I am sure that you must have some things to say to your many many fans.
 Well, yeah. I have only one thing to say.
 [Hulk Hogan comes out]
 I'm more excited about this I think than you are Andre! You know, this is about time man that they recognize the greatest athlete of all times! Not only is he undefeated man, Andre the Giant is the greatest role model. When I had to pattern myself, I wanted to be like Andre. His sense of fair play, the sportsmanship, the way all over the world he's been kind to all the little kids. Andre the Giant is number one and WWF, I'd like to thank you for recognizing in my book, the real champion of superstars all over the world, that's Andre--
 [Andre decides to walk out]
 I'm sure, I'm sure that-- [Sees that Andre is gone]
 That's the biggest package of modelsty you'll ever see. How about it for Andre?
 [Both Piper and Hogan question as to why Andre left]
 [Piper's Pit; Piper has both trophies standing in front of him. Hogan's trophy is noticeably bigger than Andre's]
 Look at this, this seems to be the year for awards here. My next guest here for some reason is stirring up a lot of controversy over these particular awards. I don't know why he's creating so much hassle over them. I thought the awards were given very nicely. However, my next guest, Jesse "the Body" Ventura. The Mike Wallace of professional wrestling. I'd like Jesse the Body Ventura to come out here if he wants to. [Jesse comes out] Wonderful, just wonderful to see you here. And for some reason, I know that you're a fine athlete and that you have confused a lot of people. But brother, this ain't Punky Brewster. You ain't pulling nothing over me. For some reason, you're stirring up a whole lot of stuff about these two awards for no particular reason and I for one don't understand it.
 I'm not stirring up nothing Piper. All I'm saying is this, there was a reinstatement that took place of Andre the Giant a while back. Right?
 Yeah.
 Now, this reinstatement right away, it was fishy to me. I mean, Andre wasn't at it. He didn't even attend.
 Have you heard him talk?
 Bobby "the Brain" Heenan was there. Now, you know, they're bitter enemies. Andre gets reinstated. Now that caused me to wonder just what is going on here? And Jesse the Body Ventura, nobody hides nothing from me, and I went out and I found out just what was going on and you can't believe what was going down. What the Body knows is going to happen.
 Okay, wait a second. I am interested. Tell me what is going down?
 Well, it's like this Piper. You know when you've got a jewel, like the crown jewel? That only you have? It's like knowledge and what has happened here, it's worse than Watergate, it's worse than Irangate, it's worse than all of it. And the Body has this knowledge like the crown jewel.
 What are you talking about? What are you talking about? Get to the point.
 I'm getting to the point. I know, you don't, nobody else knows and I ain't talking! Ha, ha, ha!
 Wait, wait wait. That's what most of the liars, most of the people that are full of bull, that's what they say to me! That they don't want to say nothing, that they're confused. "I ain't gonna tell you!" Ohhh. come on Jesse! Tell me!
 Hey, I'll tell you what I want to talk about. I want to talk about Andre the Giant and these trophies.
 What about them?
 What about them? Here's Hogan's trophy, looks about one foot bigger, don't it?
 Yeah?
 Yeah, Andre's looks a foot smaller. Now you take a look at the records man! Andre the Giant, fifteen years he has never been beaten! Fifteen years. Hulk Hogan has been champion for three years and believe me, he has ducked some people.
 Wait, wait, wait, wait. Well, get a load of Gertrude around here! I have fought both of them. There ain't nobody more qualified than me and nobody ain't ducking nobody around here! I know that Hogan, doggoneit, if anyone's gonna say it, I'm gonna say it. He's got this trophy. He's earned it!
 Yeah he might have. Look at this one, this one's real gold! What about this one? (Andre's) Feel that. Feels like rotten old lead or something. You know, Piper, It's obvious, both you and I have a difference of opinion here!
 Yeah, it is obvious!!
 A big difference!!
 Yeah, so what the hell you want me to do about it?!!
 Well, I'll tell you what Piper, there's two ways we can settle this!
 What?
 The first way is you and I step into the ring!
 Welllllllll!! Fine, be fair brother! [takes off his belt and shirt] You want to go now?!
 There's a second way!
 Ohh, now there's a second way to settle this!
 The second way to settle this is to get the two men involved out here in a discussion! Just a discussion. And I'll tell you what, Andre the Giant owes me a favor. I will produce Andre the Giant right here next week! Can you produce Hogan?
 You damn betcha man! You want em one on one? I'll get Hogan! You get Andre! Aunt Jemima, you do your best! [leaves]
 [Piper's Pit]
 I promised it to you this week. I ain't gonna fool around, I promised-- (Jesse Ventura grabs the mic)
 Hey, I got one thing to say Piper, my man is here. The man who I promised is here. What about you?
 My man you're talking about?
 My man's here.
 Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome the heavyweight champion of the world, Hulk Hogan! (Hulk comes out) My man is here!
 I'm impressed and I don't impress easy. Now, for this discussion, may I present, fifteen years undefeated, the eighth wonder of the world, seven foot four, five hundred pounds, (Bobby Heenan leads Andre the Giant out) Andre-- woah! the Giant!
 Wait! What's going on here? Hold on man. What are you doing with him? You guys aren't together, come on man. Andre, what are you doing here with Heenan? What's wrong? Andre, man, you can't be here with him. Don't you know what Heenan's done to me? To these people out here since you've been gone? It can't be so! Andre, listen to me, day one when I set my eyes on you brother, you're the reason why I got in professional wrestling. You were like a god to me, a role model! You can't be here with him man! You're the one who took me all the way from nothing to the world's title! Andre, you can't be with him man.
 Let me tell you something--
 No, no, wait one minute! You're the one who taught me man about respect for the fans, about helping the kids. You're the one who taught me good sportsmanship. You set the mold for me to follow man! What are you doing here with him?
 I'll tell you what he's doing here with me. He's sick and tired of you and what you stand for! Let me tell you something Hogan, you're the one that for three years as world's champion used this man! You're also the varmint that made this man tick! I can't tell you what they think of! You used this man! They gave him a trophy, but no that wasn't good enough. It was a lower trophy than yours. But you had to walk out and steal that moment! You're so jealous of this man, you can't stand it! This is the man for fifteen years that is undefeated! But did you ever once--
 No man, you're wrong! You're wrong, you're wrong! The day when I won the world title, he poured champagne over my head! It was like a bond of friendship. You're wrong Heenan!
 Did you ever once, once in your life offer him a championship match? You laughed behind his back!
 No Andre! Listen, it's not happening! Tell me it's not so man! Even you came here with him, you don't have to leave with him! (places his hands on Andre) It's not happening!
 Take your hands off my shoulders!
 He's got one more thing to say to you Hogan!
 Look at me when I'm talking to you! I'm here for one reason, to challenge you for the world championship match in WrestleMania!
 Andre, please no it's not happening man. We're friends! We're friends Andre, please!
 You can't believe it? Maybe you'll believe this Hogan!
 [Andre tears the t-shirt and cross off of Hogan and throws it to the ground, then leaves with Bobby and Jesse]
 Andre, what are you doing man? You can't leave like this man! What are you doing Andre? You can't, my cross, the shirt! What's wrong with him man? He can't leave like this!
 You're bleeding.
 It's not, Andre come back man! You don't have to leave like this! What has he done?
 You're bleeding. You're bleeding. Come. Come.
 [Piper's Pit]
 Are you people half as confused as I am? You're doggone right. Three weeks ago, we came on, the beginning of 1987 and presented an award for Hulk Hogan who has managed to be the World Heavyweight Champion for three years in a row. The next week we come out, we give another nice award to Andre the Giant, for fifteen years of pro wrestling without a defeat. The next week, yes, the next week, Gravel Gertie, the Aunt Jemima of professional wrestling, Jesse 'The Body' Ventura, comes out, and he starts stirring up all kinds of stuff. I don't know what's going on, so the next week comes on, you folks saw it, we got Andre, we got Hulk Hogan, the world's champion. Next thing I know, Andre the Giant is tearing the clothes off the World Heavyweight Champion, and if that don't beat all, if that don't beat all, he says...
 [in flashback] I'm here for one reason, to challenge you for a world championship match in WrestleMania!
 Ain't that the damnedest thing? So I follow Hogan out. I followed Hogan to his dressing room, I go to the dressing room, I'm serious, I go to the dressing room, he's sitting down like this, I've never seen him like this before, man. He's sitting down, he's got his head down, and I said "Hey, Hogan, what's wrong with Andre?" And Hogan just kinda looked up at me and I looked at him and his eyes were all kinda steamy, and his eyes, and he put his head back down, between his legs, I said, "Hogan, what's wrong?" And he just kinda goes like this to me [swats his hand away] Then I said, "All kinds of people have been asking me questions." I said, "There's only one man in the world that can tell us if he's gonna accept this challenge or not." But wait, wait, I saw Hogan in the hallway, I said "Hogan are you coming on the Pit? There'll be nobody else there..."
 [Hulk Hogan slowly makes his way to the pit holding his torn shirt and cross]
 Ladies and gentlemen, the World Heavyweight Champion, Hulk Hogan! Yo, Yo, look at me. Look at me in the eye Hulk. I don't understand something man. Look at me in the eye please. What's going on with Andre? Please, look me in the eye. I've always known you to be a man at least. Look me in the eye and tell me what's going on with Andre. We want to know!
 You don't understand man. I worshipped the guy. He was like a friend man. Everything he was, I wanted to be like him. I watched him on nationwide TV. That's the reason I'm here!
 Wait a second, I thought he's your best friend.
 I thought so. I thought so, man. Like I said, that's why I'm here. I patterned my whole life after him, man. The courtesy, the way he treated people in and out of the ring man. The way he was a good sport brother. That's what I wanted. No, no, no. I knew I couldn't be as big as him man. I wanted to be just like him. I watched him move man. I watched him treat people.
 Treating people? Ripping clothes off is not my idea of treating people right.
 When I saw him with Heenan, I knew he was a different man. I knew Heenan had got to him. I knew something was different. We used to fight for the same things, we used to fight because we believed in the straight and narrow. When I saw him with Heenan, I don't know if it was jealousy, greed, the money, something had gotten to him. But when he pulled this shirt, man, when he ripped the cross off my chest, he didn't just tear it off, he dug in and tore my heart out, man. Why didn't you just take a stake and drive it in my heart Andre? You know something? Now that he's with Heenan, it's all changed man! He's different!
 Tell me, yes or no, are you or are you not gonna fight him at WrestleMania III for the world heavyweight championship? Yes or no?
 YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!
 [It's the contract signing between Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant for WrestleMania III.]
 [after some discussion with everyone] Gentlemen, gentlemen, please. We are here for the most auspicious signing for any title match in history as you all know. Let me introduce just for the record some of the dignitaries who are with us at this time for this historic event. First of all, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan representing the challenger, the eighth wonder of the world from Grenoble France, Andre the Giant. To my right, the heavyweight champion of the world from Venice Beach, California, Hulk Hogan and to my immediate left, the distinguished president of the World Wrestling Federation, Mr. Jack Tunney. Mr. Tunney, get on with the proceedings.
 Would you please sign on the dotted line Mr. Roussimoff?
 Woah, woah, woah, slow down here Mr. Tunney, Mr. president. A few things I want to go over with you first. When we had a discussion about this championship belt, I want a new championship belt.
 That's agreed.
 This one was made and designed for this human being and I use that term very very loosely. I want one made that will fit a man. Fit a giant of a man. Somebody that can represent the world of professional wrestling, not this man. [tosses the title aside] And another thing, I just want you to get something straight Hogan. Fifteen years, this man's gone undefeated. The three years you've been world's champion, you've talked behind his back! You've laughed at him! You never gave this man once an opportunity! Now, he's got that opportuni--
 [pounds table] SIGN IT IF YOU'RE GONNA SIGN IT!!
 [Andre signs the contract]
 Will you sign under his name Mr. Hogan?
 I've signed a lot of things. Signed a lot of contracts, I never thought it would come to this. I thought it was you (Bobby) man! But it's both of you, you're both sick! You're both sick! If you had wanted a title shot, all you had to do was ask me. I'd a gave you anything man. Andre, you were bigger than the world title to me! Yeah, I'll sign it and I'll get your attention too at WrestleMania. When you tore my shirt off man, when you tore the cross, you tore the heart and soul out of all the little Hulksters man! Not just me! We're gonna get your attention man! We're gonna get your attention!
 Now that you signed that contract, you think I told you everything I know in professional wrestling? But I didn't and believe me, WrestleMania III will be your last lesson. [starts speaking French]
 Speak to me in English when you talk to me! As far as I'm concerned, it's not signed in ink, it's signed in blood!
 If you want me to speak in English, I will speak in the ring at WrestleMania. Au Revior.
 All right ladies and gentlemen. With me at this time, Bobby "the Brain" Heenan. Mr. Heenan, I must say you've been skeptical. Last week, you promised that you were going to produce Paul "Mr. Wonderful" Orndorff here and I truly want to compliment you.
 Let me tell you something, I don't lie. If I say I'm going to have something here, I've got something here. I want to prove to you like I've said before that Mr. Wonderful will admit to you about Ravishing Rick Rude's body. He will admit that he is glad to have him in the family. Mr. Wonderful, please come on up here!
 [Paul Orndorff comes up to the platform]
 Well, here he comes, we will indeed get the word from Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff.
 Mr. Wonderful, I want you to tell the people and set the record straight how glad you are that Ravishing Rick Rude is in the Bobby Heenan Family and that he has the greatest physique in the family, in wrestling, in sports today!
 Orndorff?
 You really want to know?
 You tell him how you really welcome him with open arms, how you are blessed that I have him in the family. I've got Bam Bam Bigelow just about signed. Everything's going our way and how you approved of everything.
 You really want to know?
 You tell the humanoids about Rick Rude's body. That he's got the best body. You've got a great body but his is like that much better. You tell them.
 You REALLY want to know?
 I want to know.
 Hold on. Well I'm going to tell you what I think. First of all, Rick Rude does not have a better body than Mr. Wonderful! [takes off his robe] No!
 No, no, tell them what you told me.
 And second of all, I'm sick and I'm tired, I'm sick and I'm tired, I'm sick and I'm tired of lying to you, and lying to those people,...
 Come on, get a hold of yourself!
 ...and lying to myself!
 Paul, I made you a star! I made you what you are today!
 You made me nothing but misery! Misery!
 What about the family, Paul?!
 What about the family? I'm going to tell what I think of Rick Rude and the Bobby Heenan family! [spits] That's what I think! And I'm going to tell you something else! I'm going to tell you something else that you've heard before, YOU'RE FIRED!!! Hey, in case you didn't understand, read my lips, YOU'RE FIRED!!!
 Get a hold of yourself!
 And I'm going to tell you something else, I'm going to introduce to you my new manager, Oliver Humperdink!!!!
 [Oliver Humperdink comes out and hugs Orndorff]
 Paul, you don't know what you're doing!
 The new manager of Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff, Oliver Humperdink! That's certainly a damaging blow to the stability of the Heenan Family!
 Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to my guests. First, the bodyguard Virgil, and of course, the "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase. Yes, Mr. DiBiase, a man who's been trying to prove to us that everyone has a price.
 Well, I would guess by now that all of you would have started to believe, believe what I've been trying to tell you since I came to the World Wrestling Federation. Believe that indeed, each and every one of you does have a price for the Million Dollar Man. I've proved it to you week after week after week. You say how? You've seen clumsy little kids try to dribble basketballs for some of my money; you've seen stupid, uncoordinated little kids trying to do just ten push-ups for some of my money; you've seen women get down on their hands and knees and bark like a dog for some of my money. You've even seen people get in the ring, get down on their hands and knees, and kiss my stinking, sweaty feet for some of my money. Why, I've even bought the producer of this television show; he didn't come cheap, but he had his price.
 that everybody, yes, everybody has a price for the Million Dollar Man. Now, you know who "everybody" is?
 Everybody's everybody.
 Everybody is every man, woman, and child in this arena! Every one of you has a price for the Million Dollar Man. Everybody is you, all you people at home enjoying watching the Million Dollar Man on television. Every one of you has a price for me. And you know who else "everybody" is?
 What do you mean "who else"? Everybody's ev...everybody's everybody.
 Wrong. Everybody's not everybody. Everybody is, now read my lips...Hulk Hogan.
 Hulk Hogan?! What are you trying to say, Hulk Hogan?!
 What am I trying to say? I'll tell you what I'm trying to say. Everybody, nobody excluded, everybody has a price for the Million Dollar Man. And over the next several weeks, I'm going to prove it to you in the biggest way I know how. I'm going to buy the World Wrestling Federation Heavyweight Championship! That's right, baby! It's gonna be mine! Lock, stock, and barrel!
 February 5th, 1988, will go down in World Wrestling Federation history as a day of infamy. Never before has there been such controversy to surround a World Wrestling Federation Championship match. Despite having viewed, time and again, the videotape of the Hogan/Andre match, the decision of the referee is, as always, unfortunately final. Therefore, Hulk Hogan is not the World Wrestling Federation Champion.
 However, it clearly states in the rulebook that in order for a wrestler to be deemed the Champion, he must either pin the reigning titleholder or make him submit. That is the only way a wrestler can become Champion. Therefore, unequivocably [sic], I can state that Ted DiBiase is also not the World Wrestling Federation Champion.
 Furthermore, it also clearly states in the rulebook that a reigning Champion may, at any time in his tenure, end his reign by publicly surrendering the title, which is exactly what happened when Andre the Giant presented the Championship belt to Ted DiBiase. Therefore, Andre is also not the Champion either.
 It is my decision that, to be fair to the last two reigning Champions of record, Hogan and Andre, and to furthermore be fair to the #1 contenders who would have faced either Andre or Hogan as Champion, I now declare the title vacant, and this vacancy to be filled on March 27th of this year during WrestleMania IV in the form of the first ever World Wrestling Federation Championship tournament.
 [The Brother Love Show]
 Thank you! You know, in order to love, you must have a big brain. And speaking of brains, my guest this week is the biggest brain of the World Wrestling Federation. Please welcome my dear close personal friend, Brother Brain Bobby Heenan.
 These two guys were made for each other.
 Why do you say that?
 Welcome, Brother Brain.
 Thank you very very much. You know, I am just full of love. It's just bubbling out of me right now because you see, there's been some changes in the Bobby Heenan family. I'm going to increase the size of the Bobby Heenan family. What I'm going to do in the weeks and months to come is add new members. New members and do the most I can to spread love. And at this particular point in time, I am going to bring up a gentleman. Now this gentleman is the newest member of the Bobby Heenan family. Now, he's limited when it comes to wrestling, he's limited when it comes to size, he's limited when it comes to a won and loss record, but I'm going to make this man the next big superstar in the world of professional wrestling. And if the gentleman can come out right now, his name is Mr. Terry Taylor.
 [Taylor comes out to shake the hands of Heenan and Brother Love]
 Thank you Brother Love, it's a pleasure to be here.
 Now as you can see, the man is limited when it comes to size.
 I'm not too small. I'm alright. About the right size.
 But you're not big like Andre the Giant.
 Nope, it's true. It's true.
 And he's limited when it comes to being muscular.
 I'm pretty muscular at 240 pounds.
 But you're not cut up, you're not that strong like Ravishing Rick Rude.
 That's true.
 And you don't possess the ability of martial arts like the great King Haku.
 That's true, but I'm a pretty good wrestler on my own.
 But you're going to become better, and I don't know how much pain you can endure, what your threshold is, which is limited. I mean, your won and loss record isn't that great.
 Well, I haven't lost 'em all!
 But you haven't won 'em all.
 That's true Brain, that's true.
 And I am going to take you to the top of this great sport of professional wrestling. Because you see, as limited as you are, by not being that muscular, by not having a great great gift at this sport of wrestling. There is one thing though. One thing, one added factor, one ingredient that will make you a superstar, that will make you a great star and that is me! Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. So I suggest you follow me young man, follow me to stardom!
 Now just how much love can one man have? Look at Brother Brain continuing to spread love! I loooove you! I looove you!
 Will this guy ever stop smiling?
 He's a happy guy.
 And you say he's sincere. We'll be right back.
 I am the Genius, Lanny Poffo. That means an awful lot.
 Not only can I prove I am, but you can't prove I'm not.
 I speak eleven languages. Escucha por favor.
 Santana comes from Mexico, yo hablo mas mejor.
 The French I speak is magnifique, they told me in Paree.
 My Italian's molto bene; I learned when I was three.
 I speak Latin, Greek, and Russian, Hebrew and Portuguese.
 I speak Swedish and Norwegian, and I'm learning Japanese.
 Aside from my intelligence, I'm cunning as a rat.
 And I shall put these attributes to use upon the mat.
 I remind the competition and every wrestling fan
 the world's smartest man!
 Behold this humble entourage. Their heads are bowed in reverence at the very slightest whisper of one name.
 Exalting in his splendor, which is altogether fitting of the people and the land from whence he came.
 False monarchies are commonplace as kingdoms rise and fall. But I, the Genius, full of glory and reknown,
 Say the Macho Man is everything that everybody, everywhere would ever, ever want to wear a crown.
 I say this king deserves a queen beside him on the throne, and Sherri is the fairest in the land.
 Nobody else is worthy of this monumental honor and regal splendor of his royal hand.
 We witnessed the dethroning of one Jim "The Hacksaw" Duggan, whose crown and throne are in a state of ravage.
 I now remove my mortarboard and place it near my heart, and thus proclaim you Macho King Randy Savage.
 Macho King!
 And Queen Sherri.
 [as Mr. Perfect puts a royal robe on Savage] Look at this. Look at that robe.
 And it says "King" on the back.
 Wonder if the King's gonna share a few words with us.
 Wait a minute. The Million Dollar Man has a gift. A gift worthy only of a king. So to you, the newly crowned Macho King Randy Savage, I give you this gift a king should never be without. This golden scepter. Solid golden scepter.
 Harry and Leona Helmsley!
 [Ted DiBiase, Slick and the Big Boss Man have left Jake "The Snake" Roberts handcuffed to the ring ropes, taking Jake's bag, which contains Damian and the Million Dollar Belt to the Brother Love Show.]
 My, my, my, what do we have here?!
 What we have here, Brother Love, is another shining example of what I've said time after time after time. There's nothing in this world that the Million Dollar Man's money cannot buy. Everything I want, I get; everything I pay for is delivered to me; and a long time ago, I bought and paid for the most beautiful championship belt ever created. $1 million worth of the purest gold and diamonds that you've ever laid eyes on. And you, Jake "The Snake" Roberts, you have the gall to stick your slithering, slimy hands on my belt, on my property, and stole something that didn't belong to you. And what do you do, Brother Love, when you're dealing with a thief? You go get the police! [Boss Man laughs...] And I went out and I bought [...then stops] the best police protection that money can buy. That's right, and I'd like to thank you, Slick, right here publicly for a job well done. You were very well paid, and the services were rendered; [to Boss Man] and you were very well paid, now it's time to deliver.
 Wait a minute. What's this about money? What's this about a payoff?
 Wait a minute, brotha! I wouldn't call it a payoff. Let's just say Mr. DiBiase has given us a small token of his esteem. Let's just say a little donation.
 "Donation"?! It doesn't sound like a donation to me! You told me I was gonna go out and retrieve stolen property; you didn't say nothin' about no payoff!
 Wait a minute! What's going on here, Slick? Let me tell you something. I bought and paid for your services, now it's time to deliver. Boss Man, you have been paid, now it's time to deliver the goods! So stick your hand in the bag and pull out my belt and give it to me!
 Well, wait a minute, you fat-faced punk! Nobody tells the Big Boss Man what to do!
 Let me tell you something, Boss Man. It's not the money, because any man with any brains would not refuse the kind of money I'm giving you. What it is is you're just plain scared. You're just afraid to stick your hand in that bag and get my belt. So if you're scared, just say you're scared.
 Look in my eyes, boy! Do I look like a man that's scared of anything?! Well, let me tell you something. I'm not scared of any beast, man or life, and I especially ain't scared of you! I'll tell you what, boy. I'm gonna show you what "scared" is; I'm gonna show what afraid.
 [Reaches into the bag...]
 What's he doing? He's going into the bag! Big Boss Man is going in the bag. He has the Million Dollar Belt
 This is what your money bought and paid for. Well, if you want it, you're gonna have to get it the old-fashioned way—you're gonna have to earn it!
 [Boss Man stuffs the belt back into the bag]
 What?! Slick, what's he doing?!
 I may be a lot of things, boy, but I can't be bought, and I sure ain't no thief!
 Thank God, Hulkamaniacs! The first thing we have to do is thank Jack Tunney for expressing his executive privilege so quickly in putting the Ultimate Challenge together for WrestleMania VI! The last two weeks, Hulkamaniacs, have been like burning with the devil, brother. Everywhere I go, the little Hulksters wanna know, "Hulk Hogan, are we still the strongest force in the universe? Hulk Hogan, look at the veins of the Ultimate Warrior, look at his body, look at his eyes. Can we handle him?"
 Thank God, Jack Tunney, you answered our dreams, brother. Me and all the Hulkamaniacs want this burden off our backs. We wanna know who really is the strongest force in the WWF. You know, Maniacs, this whole thing just doesn't seem real, man. It doesn't seem real. As I flipped through the pages of the WWF Magazine, and I see the Warrior's body, the veins, the hoses, the intensity. The guy just doesn't look real. And then when I think about the dude carrying the gods out on his shoulder into the darkness, the way he takes his opponents into the unknown, that just doesn't seem real.
 But deep down in my heart, Hulkamaniacs, the training, the prayers, and the vitamins, everything we believe and stand for, in my heart, I can't believe that the darkness and the gods this brother talks about can beat us. That's why, Jack Tunney, if you'll let us, we'll also put the WWF Title on the line. We're not afraid to find out what the strongest force in the universe is. Ultimate Warrior, I fought for my dreams, in my nightmares, what would happen if you put me over your shoulders and tried to carry Hulk Hogan into the darkness. And then I realized, Warrior, with millions of Hulkamaniacs on my back, there's no way you could even budge us. But on the shoulders of the Hulkster, brother, there's an empty seat, Jack; and after WrestleMania VI, Ultimate Warrior, when you feel the power of Hulkamania, when you realize what the strongest force in the universe really is, I'm gonna put you in that seat, brother, and you'll be the #1 Hulkamaniac.
 When you live by the sword, Warrior, you die by the sword, brother; and when you live by the war, I'm gonna wipe you out in this one, brother. What you gonna do when the largest arms in the world and Hulkamania destroy you?!
 ...with intensity as we prepare to deliver to YOU, HULK HOGAN. You have walked into a frustration like the normals that have traveled before us. There were great warriors, Hulk Hogan. There were warriors that made similar sacrifices, injected themselves with the poison of mankind, knowing that they would give it all, everything they had. The armies that followed them, the believers with no film over their eyes, they believed, Hulk Hogan, that the chance of one last battle was worth losing it all! You, Hulk Hogan, know belts, rules, regulations, normal things that normal people adhere to, mean nothing to me and the pack of Warriors that ride my back. You, Hulk Hogan, do not believe it is real. You, Hulk Hogan, have already made a mistake, for I, Hulk Hogan, am what made you breathe. I am the one that fed you with the life and the intensity so that the Hulkamaniacs can continue to feel the fury. For it was written, Hulk Hogan, that the Ultimate Warrior would come. And you, Hulk Hogan, you stood in the pathway. You stood in the pathway, Hulk Hogan. The deeper I went to the darkness, the closer I came to the light, and in that light, Hulk Hogan, there was a shadow! A man that had walls, walls in himself, not willing to give it all!
 Hulk Hogan, I am reality! I am the frustration that your mankind has swept under the carpet for years! But Hulk Hogan, I've creeped out like a slime! I have been deeper than the devil you speak of, Hulk Hogan, and if I ever run into this devil, Hulk Hogan, then will be the time and place for him.
 But at WrestleMania VI, Hulk Hogan, I bring you the Ultimate Warrior! I bring you the Ultimate Challenge! I bring you, Hulk Hogan, ultimate reality.
 Hulkamaniacs, when I said that WrestleMania VI was more intense than all five WrestleManias put together, I meant it, brothers! Every workout that I train is more intense! The pressure on my back is more intense than ever before! And every minute that I try to sleep, my heart pounds like a drum! I feel Hulkamania's in danger right now, Hulkamaniacs. This is the ultimate test of all times. And when I get in danger, I go back to my roots, I go back to the instincts. That's why I went back to Gold's Gym in Venice Beach, California. The Power Pit. That's when I went to the magic mirror, and I said, "Mirror Mirror on the wall, is the Ultimate Warrior the one that's going to make the Hulkster rise and fall?"
 Usually, I do not get a clear-cut answer, Hulkamaniacs. But this time, the magic mirror looked at me and said, "understand the natural balance in nature. You understand the food chain. You'll know if it happens. You'll know if it comes."
 All of the sudden, Hulkamaniacs, I started getting worried. The mirror faded out. There were no more answers. That's when I realized that WrestleMania VI was the most important day for the rest of our lives because this will predict the future! Ultimate Warrior, if you're that teeny little Hulkamaniac that has trained and said his prayers and eaten his vitamins and finally rose to the #1 contender position, I don't recognize you, brother! Maybe that's why you wore the war paint, maybe that's why you cover your face, so I won't know who you are. But as we get into WrestleMania VI, and you feel the power of the largest arms in the world, and as I wipe that war paint off your face, Ultimate Warrior, if I realize that you are the new chosen one, I have an obligation to my Hulkamaniacs to fight with everything in my heart! My heart is strong like a lion, my arms are like the redwood trees in the forest, I have no faults, my thoughts, my mind, my soul is pure!
 But Ultimate Warrior, it has been written, it has been said, and it shall be done at WrestleMania VI. And if I find out that you're the one that has to walk for eternity in my shoes, brother, let it be! But you got to prove to me, by beating me, and all my little Hulkamaniacs that you are the Ultimate Hulkamaniac! And if you're not, what you gonna do when the largest arms in the world run wild on you?!
 I, Hulk Hogan, have a question...to answer your question. As you, Hulk Hogan, travel to...WrestleMania...by conventional means, the normals you travel with experience malfunctions. As you realize all that is left is total self-destruction, do you, Hulk Hogan, show self-pity? DO YOU, Hulk Hogan, try to reason why? Do you, Hulk Hogan, try and comfort the normals that have even more fear than you?
 Or do you, Hulk Hogan, kick the doors out? Kick the cockpit door down. Take the two pilots that have already made the sacrifice so that you can face the challenge. Dispose of them, Hulk Hogan. Assume the controls, Hulk Hogan. Shove that control into a nosedive, Hulk Hogan! Push yourself to total self-dstruction. As you realize, Hulk Hogan, you are about to enter a world close to Parts Unknown. Ah, smell it, Warriors. Do you, Hulk Hogan, look for a place to hide? Or do you, Hulk Hogan, face the challenge that may be more powerful than even you are, Hulk Hogan!
 You, Hulk Hogan, must self-destruct so that you will know, Hulk Hogan, who is...The Chosen One. FOR HULK HOGAN, I am not the Chosen One...that you speak of. I am not. I, Hulk Hogan, am...the only...one.
 Not only do you now have a perfect World Wrestling Intercontinental Champion, but I would like to introduce my new manager, the perfect manager, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan!
 This week, President Jack Tunney made a statement regarding recent comments made by Bobby "The Brain" Heenan and Ravishing Rick Rude. Here's Mr. Tunney.
 In light of the insidious and inflammatory remarks and unmentionable actions of Bobby "The Brain" Heenan and Ravishing Rick Rude, it is my decision as World Wrestling Federation President to indefinitely suspend Rick Rude from active participation in the WWF. It is furthermore my decision to censor Bobby Heenan from any and all remarks directed toward the Big Bossman's mother. In addition, Bobby Heenan must fulfill all of Rick Rude's single match obligations against the Big Bossman. Failure to comply with this order will resort in a lifetime suspension.
 Now then, on the heels of that proclamation from Jack Tunney, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan had this to say.
 I think there's something here you have to understand Mr. Tunney. Mr. Tunney, I didn't mean anything I said. It was a joke. I just made it out of a levity. I didn't mean anything about the Bossman's...she's a lovely woman, a wonderful woman. She doesn't look her age. But he should be proud to have a mother like her like that. I would be proud if she was my mother. But I can't get in the ring with the him. You don't understand, he doesn't want to wrestle me. He wants to finish me off. He wants to hurt me. So please Mr. Tunney, I'm sorry to you and I'm sorry to the fans and I'm sorry to you Bossman. Please, Please believe me!
 Was Bobby "The Brain" Heenan sincere? You be the judge. We're going to play the very same cut you've just seen but unbeknownst to Bobby Heenan, our Update cameras continues to roll. Take a look at the very tail end and look at the reaction of Bobby Heenan.
 Bobby Heenan...He wants to finish me off. He wants to hurt me. So please Mr. Tunney, I'm sorry to you and I'm sorry to the fans and I'm sorry to you Bossman. Please, Please believe me! [walks away trying to control his laughter]
 Mean Gene Quite obviously, Mr. Heenan not all that sincere. I'm very sincere when I say Ravishing Rick Rude is out, Bobby Heenan you're in, in to face the Big Bossman. In for what? Well you're the Brain, Bobby Heenan. You figure it out.
 Behold, brothers and sisters! Behold, for the end is near! The tombstone is on the way! And the epitaph always reads the same.
 "Here lies another opponent of Kane the Undertaker."
 [The Undertaker is a guest on the Brother Love Show]
 You see, brothers and sisters, the man who stands before you now is a man who requires love 24 hours a day! And Brother Love is unfortunately is a little bit too busy, what with bringing you my message of love every week, to give the Undertaker the management and the love that he deserves! So this week, I will present to you a man whose services I have obtained to guide the career of the Undertaker! And right now, I would like to present to you Brother Bearer! [A morose-looking man enters the show] Welcome, Brother Bearer. Now, Brother Bearer, what is your first name?
 Paul.
 Paul Bearer! What better man to guide the career of the Undertaker than Brother Paul Bearer! [Brother Love looks around frantically] Why, brothers and sisters, I...I've just had a vision! I've just had a vision! I just saw, at WrestleMania, the Macho King Randy Savage defeating the Ultimate Warrior and ending his career! But Brother Ultimate, do not worry! Because as your career ends, right there will be Brother Macho King, Brother Undertaker, Brother Love, and Brother Paul Bearer. And as the casket lowers into the ground, and your career ends, and the last pieces of dirt are sprinkled on your casket, Brother Bearer will have these last words of wisdom.
 Ultimate Warrior, may you rest in peace.
 [Mr. Perfect is a guest on the Funeral Parlor]
 Right now, I would like to introduce to everybody my former manager.
 Did you say, "former"?
 Yes, I said, "former." A man who has taken me to great heights in the World Wrestling Federation; a man who has taken me to the Intercontinental Championship belt; and with my urging, as a broadcast journalist, will be just as successful, [entering the Parlor...] Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.
 Oh, my goodness.
 His former manager?
 What is going on here, folks?
 Thank you, Mr. Perfect. You know, as a enter the field of broadcast journalism, with the likes of Walter Cronkite, Edward R. Murrow, Peter Arnett, I, no doubt, will far, far surpass anything those typewriter pushers could have ever achieved. Why? Simple. 'Cause they are not perfect.
 And now, I give you the man that will be by my side. Coach.
 [as Coach enters the Parlor, blowing a whistle] Coach? What is... what is this? I can't believe this.
 Do you think Ditka could coach? Do you think Lombardi could coach? Do you think the Bear could coach? These guys were peanuts! They were all peanuts! They're on the bottom of the totem pole! Did you know that the New York Giants wanted me to coach, to coach their team? But who wants to coach just a mere football team, when I can coach Mr. Perfect, the Intercontinental Champion.
 Ladies and gentlemen, the Intercontinental Champion, Mr. Perfect!
 You know what they say. If you can't do, teach; you can't teach, manage; you can't manage, coach. And if you can't do any of them, own, Vincent.
 [Jake "the Snake" Roberts is a guest on the Funeral Parlor.]
 When Damian was taken from me from [sic] the Earthquake, yes, I felt Death's ugly hand reach down and grab part of my soul. But that's a price the Earthquake must pay. But should Death ever come looking for me and knock upon my door, Mr. Paul Bearer, I will jerk that door open, look into his eyes, and I will spit in it, because I have something that rests upon my shoulder that will not let me fear Death.
 Oh, Mr. Roberts, you're talking about your snake, aren't you?
 No. I'm talking about Lucifer himself, the same one that rests upon your shoulder.
 Oh, I've always had my suspicions about you. But you know and I know that every man, on his final walk to his resting place, must face the Undertaker. Even you, Jake Roberts.
 The way I see it, the Undertaker, at this moment, has his hands very full.
 Oh, but if you're talking about the Ultimate Warrior, that's no problem at all. We're just stringing him along 'til it's time to drop him in his final resting place.
 Let me ask you this. How would you feel, and how would the Undertaker feel, if I shared the secrets of the darkness, and I shared the secrets of this cold, black heart, and the secrets of the Undertaker himself, with the Ultimate Warrior?
 [scared] No, no, Mr. Roberts, you can't do that. You can't do that. Would you?
 Would I? Yes, I would. And all that the Ultimate Warrior must do to understand the darkness and the cold, is to release, release all those fears of death. And secondly, he must do something that neither you or the Undertaker could ever do. And that's simply...trust me. Trust me, Warrior.
 Ric Flair.
 Ric Flair!
 Let me relay a little story to you, so maybe you'll understand exactly where I'm coming from. Once upon a time, there was a little rabbit hopping down the trail. And he looks out on the roadway, and a snake had been crushed by a car. Nearly dead, but not quite. And the rabbit hopped out, and he looked down at the snake, and he said, "Snake, I know you're hurt badly, and I'm gonna take you back to my den and help you, and I'm gonna nurse you back to health."
 And the snake said, "oh, no, you can't do that. I'm a snake. I'm a snake, you can't do that."
 "No, but I'm gonna make you my friend, Mr. Snake." So he did. And he carried that snake back to his den. He put him in his den, and slowly, but surely, he did nurse him back to health, just like the rabbit said he would. Then one day, the rabbit went out for a walk, for a little more water for the snake. He came back, the snake was gone. He turned around, and there was the snake in front of him! And the snake said, "Mr. Rabbit, I am going to eat you."
 And the rabbit said, "oh, no, I'm your friend."
 And the snake said, "in the very beginning, I told you I was a snake." And you, Ultimate Warrior, have to be the biggest, dumbest rabbit I've ever seen!
 [Jake "the Snake" Roberts is a guest on the Funeral Parlor.]
 Oh, Mr. Roberts, I've always had my suspicions about you, but now I realize we've been on the same side all along.
 [wearing a black leather glove on one hand holding a cobra, periodically smacking it with the other] You know, Paul Bearer, life is tough, man. When you head down that long road, you gotta make a choice when you get to the fork in that road—whether you go the right way, or you go the other way, it's up to you. Well, I made that choice a long time ago, and I went the other way—my way. I can create my own rules, I can live life the way I want to.
 Now, for those kids sitting at home listening to your mother and your father tell you, all you got to do is eat your vitamins and grow up and have children and live happily ever after, it's a lie. It's a lie. 'Cause what you've got to do is, every time you make a choice, it can be right or it can be wrong. What was the noise in the closet that night? What was that? What was that you heard behind you in that dark alley? Huh, was it me? What about when you put your feet off the bed? What was it? Did something grab a hold of ya? Remember that every time you turn your back, it can be someone just like me, waiting for you.
 Now, you're wondering, why the glove? The glove will become a big part of me. When you carry a cobra, you have to be protected at all times. So whenever I step in that ring, this cobra will be in that corner, and so will this glove so I can handle it. So whoever I step into that squared circle with, you must remember that when you play with a snake, you can be bitten. And once bitten, I have proven it, you are no more.
 So now, let's get to the real truth of the matter, and the truth is, Sid Justice, who the hell do you think you are?! Don't make the mistake of stepping into the ring with a snake, because if you do, you will be bitten like all the rest. And once bitten, once again I say, you are no more. I will wear the glove to protect me, Sid Justice. What on God's green earth will protect you?
 You know something, Hulkamaniacs? I can't lie to you, man. I'm worried because this is the gravest challenge I've ever had to face. I didn't understand why so many of my little Hulksters were shaking in fear just at the sight of the Undertaker and Paul Bearer, but now I understand. As I laid myself down to sleep last night, I woke up in a cold sweat, man. I had a nightmare of massive proportions! I saw Hulkamaniac after Hulkamaniac, single-file for miles and miles and miles, walking into a massive grave the size of a football field, man. I woke up, I couldn't believe my eyes! I saw the World Title belt on my dresser. And I realized the fate, the safety, the future of each and every Hulkster is at stake. That's why, brother, the Grim Reaper that has risen in the site on your arm, Undertaker, is none other than Hulk Hogan in disguise. And what you gonna do when Hulk Hogan buries you?
 Oh, Hulk Hogan, you don't know how right you were when you said the safety and future of all your little Hulkamaniacs is at stake. Oh yes, it is, and there's more at stake. It's going to be déjà vu for you. There'll be a funeral, they'll be lined up for miles. But they'll stand and look into the open grave and see the special casket my Undertaker's selected for you, and you'll be inside, and we'll be standing there with your belt.
 The size of the grave will be big enough just for you, and all your Hulkamaniacs will be left untouched so they can suffer the rest of eternity, the fate of Hulk Hogan.
 Last Tuesday in Texas, Hulk Hogan regaining the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt! I'm sure because of all of the goings-on and confusion at the conclusion of that match-up, that President Jack Tunney and the World Wrestling Federation right now has to be pondering, perhaps collecting his thoughts. If you saw that event on pay-per-view, you recall Tunney, true to his word, he was at ringside to observe firsthand. However, our president, not the most agile of individuals. He was upend...as a match of fact, I think his vantage point was somewhat skewed. I do recall, at the end of the match-up, Tunney was on his feet trying to get the referee's attention. Maybe he can shed some new light on all of this because standing by, let's hear from World Wrestling Federation President, the distinguished Jack Tunney.
 As President of the World Wrestling Federation, I am fully aware that the decisions of this office are not always popular, and that this one will be no exception. However, I cannot stand idly by and take little or no action in the face of such grievous circumstances. This past Tuesday in Texas, during the Undertaker/Hulk Hogan Championship match, I witnessed with my own eyes what I believe was a flagrant and far-reaching oversight on the part of the referee. Now the referee's decision is final; I will not challenge his official decision. However, under these circumstances, I have little choice but to decree the WWF Title vacant, and to declare that the winner of the 30-man Royal Rumble will now become the undisputed WWF Champion. Furthermore, in regards to both the Undertaker and Hulk Hogan, and in respect to certain legitimate claims each can make to the WWF Title, it is my ruling that they be allowed to draw their entry number for the Royal Rumble only from numbers 20 through 30.
 What?! Tunney putting the Title up for grabs at the Royal Rumble?! Well, that means 30 superstars are gonna be vying for the World Wrestling Federation Title. I have been told now that Hulk Hogan will have comments later on in this hour. With Update, I'm Gene Okerlund.
 The purpose of this press conference is to announce just exactly whom of the top five contenders in the World Wrestling Federation will be challenging Ric Flair for the World Wrestling Federation Title...just a second...at the Hoosier Dome in Indianapolis on Sunday, April the fifth. Before we give that announcement, I would like to introduce to you the current World Wrestling Federation Champion, Ric Flair. Mr. Flair
 [taking his place at the podium] WOO! Y'all tired of hearing that? Well, that's too bad because when you hear that noise, you know that the World Wrestling Federation Champion is on location. None of you like to know that, do you? But the bottom line is, I told everybody in the world of professional wrestling that I would win this, the most coveted trophy in this sport. And you know what? As I look around this room, I see five of the great WWF Superstars, but five guys that were in the ring with me the night I won this. As a matter of fact, there were 29 men in the ring the night I won this. So whether they like it, or whether you like it, it's too bad because everybody in the sport of professional wrestling knows that WrestleMania, the biggest extravaganza in sports today, looms on the horizon. And for Ric Flair, it means a defense, a title defense of this, the World Wrestling Federation Title. Hulk Hogan, Roddy Piper, the Undertaker, Randy Savage, Sid Justice, it doesn't make any difference to me. They were all in the ring the night I won this. So at WrestleMania, just as I walk in the Champion, I will walk out the Champion, and that's the bottom line. WOO!
 Roddy Piper, the Undertaker; on my left, Sid Justice, "Macho Man" Randy Savage, and Hulk Hogan. Very hard to choose one. However, after careful consideration as well as examining the wishes of the public at large, I have reached a decision. Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed members of the press, challenging Ric Flair for the World Wrestling Federation Title at the Hoosier Dome at WrestleMania VIII will be...[Sid Justice stands up smiling]...Hulk Hogan!
 Yes! Yes! Yes! [Sid sits back down seething] Hulkamania, I told you this thing would turn full circle, man. Now the battle lines are drawn. Ric Flair has the WWF Title. The so-called "real" world's champion is gonna find out what the power of Hulkamania is all about at WrestleMania VIII. And what you gonna do, Ric Flair, when Hulk Hogan and his little Maniacs run wild on you?!
 Macho Man, your reaction to President Jack Tunney's announcement.
 Well, I didn't like it! Bottom line, I wish it was the Macho Man Randy Savage, that's me, I like that, yeah. But since I couldn't get it, I just wanna let you know that there's a piece of me that realizes that Hulk Hogan probably should've got the nod anyway, being honest, okay. So Hulkster, good luck. We've been competitors against each other in the past, but I guarantee you're a good friend, and I respect you. Go against Ric Flair at WrestleMania and do the thing! Ooh yeah, Hulkamania lives, dig it?!
 Sid Justice, you were obviously not pleased...
 Shut up, AND YOU ALL SHUT UP! I wanna say something. What happened at Royal Rumble, it was simple. I was the last man standing! I would be the World Champion if it wasn't for you, Hogan, pulling me out from outside the ring. Now, what you did, Jack Tunney, was BOGUS! The most bogus act you've ever pulled off! Well, I wanna ask you, what is it? Is it because I'm not a big movie star like Hulk Hogan, the big Immortal One himself? Is it because Sid Justice is the newcomer? Well, I wanna tell you something, Hulk Hogan. You couldn't beat Ric Flair on your best day, but I can. Why? Because Sid Justice rules the world.
 [Sensational Sherri is a guest of the Funeral Parlor]
 Sherri, you look so lovely, so happy, so alive! Have you been to a funeral?
 No, Paul Bearer, I'm on Cloud Nine. I've found the man of my dreams, Paul Bearer.
 Oh, does this mean you're in love? Who's the lucky guy?
 Oh, Paul Bearer, I'm in love with a man that has long, blond, flowing locks. I'm in love with a man that has a body sculpture that even the Greek gods would envy. I'm in love with a man that has the most wonderful wrestling ability that any one person can be blessed to possess!
 That could be me, McMahon.
 I'm in love with a man that even has an animal magnetism that makes my blood run hot! I am in love with Shawn Michaels!
 Shawn Michaels?
 Yes! Shawn Michaels, now that he and Marty Jannetty are no longer a team or an item. Shawn has never needed Marty Jannetty. Never ever needed Marty Jannetty. And now that he's gotten rid of that deadbeat, he has all the time in the world to accept the love and everything that I have to give him.
 Oh, but Sherri, what about the "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase?
 My Teddy bear is a wonderful, giving, and very loving man. My Teddy bear has left the door wide open for me to return at any time I decide. And my Teddy bear has given me gifts that any woman in the world would dream of having. My Teddy bear only wants what makes me happy. And my Teddy bear knows that what makes me happy, is giving and sharing all of my wealth with Shawn Michaels.
 Denver, Colorado. Recently, the Legion of Doom were scheduled to defend their Tag Team Titles against the Natural Disasters. However, prior to that matchup, Jimmy Hart, the manager and spokesman for the Natural Disasters, contacted WWF President Jack Tunney to inform him that one of the members of Legion of Doom had been injured in a previous match with the Natural Disasters. He added that, in the interest of fairness, perhaps Mr. Tunney should consider the Legion of Doom defending their titles against a different tag team—in this case, the "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase and his partner, IRS. Now, this request, according to Jimmy Hart, came with the full consent and support of the Natural Disasters, who, again according to Hart, only wished to take on the Legion of Doom when LOD was once again at their full 100% capacity. President Tunney agreed.
 And the result is, we have new World Wrestling Federation Tag Team Champions in the Million Dollar Man and IRS! However, as this story unfolds, it now appears clear that Jimmy Hart took dirty money from the Million Dollar Man to maneuver, to manipulate the Natural Disasters out of their rightful #1 contenders position. The whole thing, folks, was a setup. A sting, a scam, a con, if you will. The Natural Disasters, understandably, have unloaded Jimmy Hart. They have categorically denied ever giving him consent to do anything on this matter. They never knew a thing about it. And of course, World Wrestling Federation President Jack Tunney can't change the referee's official decision. However, he has ruled that on April 5th at WrestleMania, the very first mandatory title defense by the Million Dollar Man and IRS, now managed coincidentally by Jimmy Hart, will in fact be against Earthquake and Typhoon, the Natural Disasters.
 [Jake "The Snake" Roberts is a guest on the Funeral Parlor]
 [to the Undertaker] You and I have a real problem. Now I'm standing here, if you can tell me something, face-to-face, just who in the hell do you think you are, and whose side are you on? You tell me, whose side are you on?! [Undertaker takes the urn from Paul Bearer's hands] Come on! Tell me! Tell me whose side you're on! Face-to-face, come on! Make up your mind, man. Make it up.
 Not yours.
 [Interview from October 12th in Saskatoon]
 Bret Hart, you were born for this moment. You were born for this day.
 You know, Gene, I can't tell you right now how proud I am of this moment. This is the greatest moment of my whole life, and I dedicate this moment to all the people that believe that the biggest dreams can still come true.
 You know, Bret Hart, I could not agree with you more. I know about your work ethic, because I have watched you virtually for your entire career. And I can't help but believe, Bret Hart, that this...this World Wrestling Federation Title in your hands at this time is the result of determination, it's the result of perseverance. You've paid your dues, I've seen you the last eight years in the trenches here n the World Wrestling Federation. And finally, this instant, this moment, all of those dreams, all of that hard work has paid off. And of course, your wishes, your dreams have now come to fruition.
 You know, Gene, since I was this tall, I've been involved in wrestling. My whole family's been involved in wrestling. I've dedicated my whole life to wrestling. My father's taught me, he stuck me on the mat. He's made me scream, he's made me feel the pain, and I've listened, and I've learned, and I've thought about it, and I've dedicated myself to the technical wrestling, to learning wrestling, following up on all those last details. The endurance, the strength, that wrestling ability, and never ever thinking that I knew it all 'cause you never know it all. And I've had my share of wins, I've had my share of losses, but you wait your whole lifetime for one chance, just one single chance, and I've got that chance. And I've got to thank every single wrestler that I've ever wrestled against. I've wrestled the greatest wrestlers in the world, and I've learned. I've learned so much, and I've got to thank each and every one of them. And one in particular that I want to thank is Ric Flair. I want to thank Ric Flair for stepping in the ring with me tonight and giving me that chance.
 I want to thank each and every one of my fans around the world for supporting me all these years. I want to thank all my friends that have backed me up through the thick and the thin. And most of all, I want to thank my family. They've been with me since the very beginning, since I was just a little baby. And most of all, I want to thank God above. God Almighty, thank you for the greatest moment of my entire life. I'm proud to be the WWF Champion.
 Last Monday night in Saskatoon, the Hitman Bret Hart becomes the reigning World Wrestling Federation Champion!
 Saskatoon! Who ever heard of Saskatoon?! I never heard of Saskatoon! Have you ever heard of Saskatoon?! No! Ric Flair has a title match in Saskatoon. I advised him, "don't take a title match in Saskatoon." He turns around, he signs for it anyway. And prior to the match, Ric Flair—and I'm the only one who knows this, I'm honestly telling you—Ric Flair was sick as a dog! He could barely pick himself off the bench and walk to the ring! I said, "Slick Ric, don't go to the ring in Saskatoon"! He goes to the ring anyway, the rest is history! Bret "The Hitman" Hart becomes the World Wrestling Federation Champion, which only proves...what are you laughing about, McMahon? I'm ready to take you out, or anybody else! This is serious business! I'm the executive consultant to Ric Flair! The point is, on any given night, any great superstar can defeat another great superstar! Well, Bret "The Hitman" Hart, you had yours, and next time Ric Flair steps into the ring with you, my friend, Ric Flair will once again become the World Wrestling Federation Champion!
 You know, McMahon, I'm getting tired of your barbs tonight, and I'm tired of you getting down on me, and if you don't knock it off, you're gonna hear from Barry Bloom.
 Who?
 You know who.
 [on #13,Hacksaw Jim Duggan] What's he gonna come in and beat everybody with a 2x4?
 How does he get the Gang over the top? That is the question, McMahon. The Gang weighs somewhere between 450-500 pounds—how is Duggan gonna get him over the top rope?
 Obviously, he'd have to do what I believe, in some sort of fashion, the Gang's momentum is heading into the rope, and with the Gang going into the rope, Duggan can get underneath, he'll go.
 There might be another way too, if he can find the 2x4.
 Why's that?
 Well, he could hit the Gang with the 2x4. That would be the only equalizer I could see.
 Then again, the Hacksaw himself, somewhere around the 285 pound mark...[One Man Gang charges Duggan, who pulls the top rope down. His action sends the Gang over the top rope and onto the floor, winning Duggan the Rumble] Oh yes! That's it!
 He pulled the top rope down! I can't believe it. Out of all the people to win this thing, it's him?
 What a smart thing to do. Hacksaw Jim Duggan drops the top rope on the One Man Gang!
 I can't believe he actually did it.
 Hacksaw Jim Duggan!
 You know, with the brain power that Duggan's got, I'll bet you he tripped and fell and the Gang toppled over.
 [During the Royal Rumble drawing]
 It's time for the Million Dollar Man to pick the Million Dollar number. [Draws his number out of the cage.] And the winning number is... [Virgil opens up the number and reveals it to DiBiase.] Wait a minute...[brings in Slick] Uh, Slick, Slick. When you drew numbers for your men, how did it go?
 [laughs] Brother! It was unbelievable!
 We should talk.
 Look at how the Boss Man is manhandling Hogan.
 Yeah but he just got in the ring. The Hulkster's been in the ring for a half hour.
 No he wasn't! He was in there five minutes ago!
 Hulk still creating mayhem for the Big Boss Man.
 Now, that's illegal! Hogan was eliminated!
 Yes, he is, Jesse. So what?
 "So what"? If they'd have done that to Hogan, Monsoon, you'd have been totally irate!
 And this is what Hulkamania is all about. Going out there and flagarantly cheating. Not leaving the ring when you're eliminated. Causing someone else to be eliminated when you have no business out there.
 Are you condoning what the Big Boss Man did; what he and the Slickster did to the Hulkster?
 That was weeks ago. I'm talking here and now, Monsoon.
 Sorry, you could only go back to the last couple of minutes then, or what happened yesterday.
 Hey, yesterday's gone. It's today that counts.
 [seeing Virgil outside the ring after DiBiase has entered] Hey, he's not supposed to be out there!
 Well who knows, Virgil could be number 31.
 I'll tell you something though, Gorilla. As bad as it looks for the Million Dollar Man right now, don't count him out yet.
 Why, because Virgil's still out there?
 No, because he's a darn good wrestler.
 [Just as he says this, Big John Studd tosses DiBiase out, winning the Rumble]
 Oh, there he goes! [Virgil jumps in and attacks Studd] Look out, Virgil from behind. [Studd turns around and fights him throughout] Big John just turned around and faced him, didn't even acknowledge those shots he got. Virgil is indeed in trouble. Just like a rag doll. You're talking about 280 pounds of man there.
 This is definitely a little bit of an added attraction, isn't it?
 The Royal Rumble is over, John Studd is the winner; he's just having...this is some creme on the cake, Jess.
 Well, I got to admit, Virgil kind of brought it on himself. But you got to respect Virgil, he's a paid bodyguard and he came in and tried to do his job.
 [As he says this, Studd tosses Virgil out]
 There goes the 31st man.
 Big John Studd!
 Not even Mickey and Goofy could get in here and I made sure of that. They didn't have tickets. Do you have a ticket, Schiavone?
 No I don't. I... what are you insinuating?
 Then what are you doing here?
 I just wanted to sit beside you if that's okay.
 Last year, allegedly, Ted DiBiase, you drew #30, which would be advantageous...
 "Allegedly"? Allegedly? No. Last year, little man, I drew #30!
 Well some suspected there might've been a little chicanery, but certainly that wouldn't happen this year, with all the added security of World Wrestling Federation president Jack Tunney, you're not gonna be buying...
 Security? You call that security? I call it downright gestapolism [sic]. I didn't even have the opportunity to draw my own number!
 Wait a minute, Ted DiBiase, you asked Virgil to draw the number for you.
 I didn't ask Virgil to draw the number!
 Well, of course you did!
 Virgil, did I ask you to draw the number! No! Shut up, don't say anything! You made a mistake, I...I can't believe this!
 Wait a minute, what number did you draw?
 None of your business what number I...
 We're gonna find out sooner or later, where's the number? (DiBiase hands him the number) Oh, you couldn't have gotten a worse draw. This is #1—the worst number of the lot!
 Let me tell you something, little man. It doesn't matter whether #1, #2, or #30. What it means is I'll be the first man in the ring, I'll be the last man in the ring, and it's a golden opportunity for me to show all you 9-to-5 nickel-and-dimers out there that I'm the greatest wrestling talent in the world. I'll be there to the end, and I'll win it!
 I remember not too long ago on Saturday Night's Main Event, the Genius upset the Champion Hulk Hogan!
 He did?
 Yeah. Schiavone, who won the match?
 Yeah but Perfect was on the outside with the belt. We all know what happened.
 No yeah buts! Who won the match?
 The Genius.
 Hair grows back, but, Beefcake, your ribs, they may not grow back the right way.
 That was totally uncalled for! To the Royal Rumble—I'm sure you're gonna have to deal with the likes of Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake later on. Thirty of the greatest...what was the number, by the way, that you drew?
 I drew the perfect number, and everybody knows the "perfect number" in the Royal Rumble is #30. And you bet I choose #30! I pulled it right out! And I'm gonna tell you something right now, as I'm standing here, the Royal Rumble is gonna be just like everything else I've done in my life—absolutely perfect.
 It never ceases to amaze me, what the human mind can come up with. I mean, you think of the whole concept. The Royal Rumble, this afternoon you're gonna take thirty men, and every two minutes you're gonna send somebody to that ring—a fresh man. So you're thinking to yourself, well what number might be the best? Well, the last number would be the best, but that doesn't really mean anything, cause there's still gonna be a lot of hungry men out there, and hopefully I'll be one of those hungry men. The man that wins this match is not gonna be the man that's the best wrestler, the best athlete; it's gonna be the man that will do anything, the man that will...take that extra step, do just a little bit more than anybody else, maybe sacrifice a little bit more than anybody else. Now, me—that sounds just a lot like me.
 [Countdown to #11]
 Here's the countdown...who will be next in the Royal Rumble?
 Uh Oh! It's André the Giant! The first member of Heenan family makes his appearance, André the Giant, The 8th Wonder Of The World.
 Watch out! With a... [Demolition hit a double ax-handle on Andre the Giant. The momentum carries Andre over the top rope and eliminates him] He's out!
 They got him! Demolition have accomplished a major obstacle. They've eliminated Andre the Giant!
 Andre the Giant...certainly one of the favorites for the Royal Rumble...will be no more in this event.
 [as Smash, Haku and Jim Neidhart try to lift Earthquake out of the ring] They've got the feet up. They got the Earthquake's feet up, they're calling for more help.
 Here comes Snuka. [Jimmy Snuka pushes from under Earthquake] Underneath.
 There's four of them. Four guys can't get the Earthquake...[DiBiase joins in] Here comes DiBiase–that's five.
 And Bravo... [Just as Dino Bravo tries to stop them, Earthquake finally gets pushed over the top to the floor, getting eliminated] Oh!
 Eliminated the Earthquake! That is a major accomplishment of major teamwork of major proportions!
 It took five of them! FIVE OF THEM!
 It took...many of them.
 Shawn Michaels eliminated by the Warrior. And Rick Martel eliminated by the Warrior and look at this. Look at this!!
 My God.
 Hulk Hogan and the Warrior!!
 There is not a person sitting down. Everyone on their feet. Look at the eyes of the Hulkster...the eyes of the Warrior.
 Whoa!!! What a match up this will be! The Ultimate Warrior and Hulk Hogan one-on-one.
 [Hogan and Warrior stare at each other] Hold on to your seats. This place is gonna explode.
 [Hogan and Warrior collide into each other]Woah! Nobody moved. Again, nobody moved.
 Look at this.
 [Hogan runs vertically across the ring, Warrior runs horizontally.] Criss-cross.
 [Hogan drops face first on the mat] The Hulkster down...he missed a clothesline.
 OH!! And they clotheslined each other. They're both down, unbelieveable.
 Absolutely incredible. These two athletes...the Hulkster, the Warrior...every man for himself going at it...and they both are down. Listen to the fans.
 Here's the Perfect Plex! [Mr. Perfect plants him] Look at this! He could've pinned him.
 [But Hulk Hogan escapes and rises to his knees] NO!
 I don't believe this.
 Absolutely not. [Perfect tries to attack Hogan, but Hogan begins Hulking up] You're right in saying that Perfect is the freshest of the two, but the other is Hulk Hogan. [On his feet, Hogan now attacks Perfect] And here he comes! [Hogan slingshots Perfect into the turnbuckle]
 WHOA! He put him into the post! See what Perfect did to the post!
 [Hogan continues to attack Perfect] Actually, he was saved by the post that time, I think.
 Saved? How do you get saved hitting the post?
 Well, if he hadn't hit the post, he would've gone over the top. [Hogan signals to another corner] There he goes! [Hogan throws Perfect out, winning the Rumble] YES!
 I don't believe it!
 World Wrestling Federation Champion Hulk Hogan!
 [Hogan takes a sign from the front row and presents it to the crowd. It reads "HULKAMANIA WILL LIVE FOREVER"] YEAH! Hulkamania will live forever!
 Sensational Queen Sherri, what are you doing out here tonight?
 I am here to make a public challenge, Mean Gene.
 To whom?
 To the Ultimate Warrior, who else? Now, Sgt. Slaughter has promised the Macho King Randy Savage that, should he win the WWF Championship tonight, he has promised the Macho King that he will — that he will grant him a championship match. Now, being the honorable and brave man that we all know Sgt. Slaughter is...
 Please!
 ...there is no doubt in my mind and in my heart that Sgt. Slaughter will do nothing more than grant and come through with every promise that he has acknowledged toward the Kingdom of the Madness. I only hope that the Ultimate Warrior is as honorable as everyone seems to think that he is. However, I have my doubts. Ultimate Warrior, if you can hear me right now, which I think you can, if you are as brave and as honorable as everyone says you are, why don't you come right out here in front of everyone and accept my challenge. I kind of think he's yellow myself. I don't think you're brave, I don't think that you're even honorable. As a matter of fact, I think that you're yellow from the top of your head to the bottom of your toes. Well, where you at, Warrior? Why don't you come out here? I can tell you things about your precious Ultimate Warrior...
 [The music hits and the Ultimate Warrior walks to the stage]
 Uh-oh!
 Look out! You asked for it, you got it!
 What about it?
 Yeah, what about it, Warrior? You're so honorable, you're such a wonderful champion, are you willing to grant the Macho King — should you win your WWF Title tonight, should you retain — will you give the Macho King Randy Savage a title shot? No answer? You know, I've admired you for a long time, Warrior. I've looked into those great big beautiful hazel eyes. As a matter of act, I've also looked at those lips and wondered what it would be like...and also, I've always looked at your chest...[slowly unzips the Warrior's jacket]...and wondered what it would be like to touch your chest. As a matter of fact, I've often admired you from afar, Warrior. [Slides the jacket off] This strong, long, wide back; and your hair, it's very wonderful, I've wondered what it would be like to see the wind blowing through your hair. So what's it gonna be, Warrior? Are you honorable, are you brave, are you gonna give the Macho King a title match if you retain that belt tonight? Come on, Warrior, can't you talk to me? Come on, what's it gonna be? Come on, Warrior, can't you say something to me? [Leans in and quickly kisses him, to which he smiles] Oh, that's the most wonderful thing, the most thrilling thing that has ever happened to me. Please, as I look into your wonderful face and I know the champion that you are, and honorable man that you are, [sinks to her knees] I know that you would grant the Macho King his title shot. Come on, Warrior, aren't you gonna grant the Macho King a title match? Come on, Warrior, tell everyone what an honorable man that you are, what a brave and wonderful champion that you are, Warrior. What is it to you? Come on, aren't you gonna give the Macho King a title match? Just say yes to me, that's all I want from you. That is all I want from you, Warrior.
 [Warrior pauses, then spits on the stage]
 [before walking away] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
 [having been watching the whole interview from the dressing room, now in a rage] You said no! You said no! I'm gonna get him now! [He runs out, through the audience, onto the stage, where Sherri is irate]
 He said "no" emphatically, and look at the Macho King. Is he bent out of shape.
 Can you blame him? It's like being kissed by a viper.
 Sort of backfired for them, Rod.
 Medusa's got nothing on this gal!
 I wanna make this clear right now that the views of Sgt. Slaughter and General Adnan do not in any way reflect the views of the World Wrestling Federation, or the Arab-Americans, or the overwhelming majority of Arabs throughout the world, for that matter.
 Well, I understand that, Gorilla, but I wanna make a point. This is America, and as much as I hate his guts, you can do what you want to in America, and Slaughter is free to do. That's why our men and women are over there now. They are fighting for the right to be free! If I don't like it, I'll get in the ring and I'll do something about it, but this is America, and that's why we're all here! God bless America!
 [Having just thrown Sensational Queen Sherri onto Randy Savage, the Ultimate Warrior is jumped from behind by Sgt. Slaughter] Oh! What a hard knee. [Slaughter bounces Warrior's head on the second rope, attempting to choke him, as referee Dave Hebner gives Slaughter the 5-count. Slaughter breaks at 4. Just as he does, Savage gets up and winds up his scepter] Wait... wait... [Savage crowns Warrior with the scepter] NO!
 Oh, look at that! With the scepter right between the eyes! What is this, Hot Rod?!? It's 3-against-1 here!
 The referee... The referee, I don't think, saw it! [Slaughter pries Warrior from the second rope] No! [He drops an elbow on Warrior and pins him] No, no, no... not like this!
 [as the referee counts] What is this?!?
 [The referee counts three] No... oh, wait a second, NOW what? No, no... they can't allow this!
 Certainly they're not going to allow this!
 No, no... some... there's going to be officials coming out here!
 We might have had a disqualification here, I hope.
 Well it's obvious! The King came out with a scepter! [Hebner, unsure of what to do, wanders around aimlessly] COME ON!
 Everyone in the entire building saw what the Macho King did!
 No, this ain't going down like this! [By this time, the crowd is yelling "bullshit!"] What do ya mean, "What happened?" What the hell do ya think happened?
 I think the referee, in this excitement, Hot Rod, just automatically went down and made the three-count. [Warrior, having come to his senses, starts to stagger out of the ring] But I think we have a disqualification here.
 I hope so. Excitement, hell! He ought to be keeping his eyes on what's going on!
 We haven't had any official word yet.
 [Warrior runs out of the arena, in hot pursuit of Savage] Where's he going?
 I think he's going after the Macho King.
 Ladies and gentlemen, here is the official decision. The winner of this bout...and NEW...
 NO! NO!
 Sgt. Slaughter!
 Bull! Bull!
 What a miscarriage of justice! I can't believe it!
 That's bull! You're not gonna let this hang like this! I can't believe this! You puke! It took three of you!
 I don't believe it! This is ridiculous! This is an outrage!
 [walking down the aisle, pointing to his many detractors] I told you!
 You told us what?! You can't do nothing by yourself!
 Well he'd better cut that thing in half, Hot Rod, and give half of it to the Macho King!
 [after Virgil drops the Million Dollar Belt in front of him] What do you think you're doing? You get down there, and pick that thing up right now, and you wrap it around my waist. Need I tell you, need I remind you one more time about your family? About your mother?
 Give me a break.
 Virgil, remember it just don't matter.
 Pick it up!
 Remember, Virgil, there comes a point...
 Wrap it around my waist!
 What, are you gonna need it for the rest of your life?!
 How humiliating.
 [Virgil drops to one knee and picks up the belt]
 everybody's got a price... [He is cut off by Virgil, who wallops him with the belt]
 Oh, he NAILED him!
 YEAH!!! YEAH!!! YEAH!!!
 Listen to this capacity crowd, they love it!
 We don't wanna forget, being that it's a rumble, it'd be okay for Fuji to deck Blubber Love.
 Oh, I'd like to see that.
 I'm still expecting #18 to show up. He's not officially out of here until the clock starts for the next participant.
 Yeah, but we don't know who #18 was.
 I know, but he's still got a chance to come out...maybe, I don't know, but until that clock starts again, #18 is still legal. I'm not sure...
 [as the 10-second clock appears] I believe that is a first in the history of the Royal Rumble that the time limit ran down and nobody came through the curtain.
 Animal] WHOOAAA!!
 It's Animal from the Legion of Doom. Well, whoever, Hot Rod, #18 was, he has forfeited his position here in the lineup, so there's no way, shape or form that he can re-enter and be victorious.
 He is history, baby. If you don't got the guts, you don't belong in the building.
 How long has it been for Valentine?
 Well, the Hammer has been in well over a half an hour.
 What tenacity! The Model, too.
 But you know, with Valentine, it takes fifteen minutes just to get his attention, and then he starts to get warmed up. The more you beat on him, the more he likes it.
 Tugboat] It's Tugboat.
 Wait a sec.
 That means that the Macho King was #18.
 The Macho King wasn't hurt.
 He was one of the odds-on favorites to win this thing.
 I can't figure it.
 It could be the Ultimate Warrior ran him right out of the building!
 It could be! It could be. That's the only thing I can think of.
 [Hulk Hogan slams Earthquake after failing to do so earlier] Hulk off... Yes, he got him that time!
 [Hogan signals to the crowd] Throw him OUT!
 [slowly, Earthquake rises to his feet] I can't believe this, what kind of power the Hulkster possesses... He's setting him up here, look out! [Hogan throws Earthquake out, winning the Rumble] It's over!
 What a Rumble!
 the Immortal Hulk Hogan!
 Unbelievable victory by that man, Hulk Hogan! What dedication!
 What guts! What a Royal Rumble!
 [Hogan signals for a sign from the crowd] Well, Hot Rod, he wasn't going to let down our men and women in the Persian Gulf. [The sign says "HULK RULES"] He made a promise that he dedicated this match to all of them, and it doesn't surprise me that he's the last man in the ring.
 Look at the New Foundation, they must've just got up.
 What do you mean they just got up?
 They still got their pajamas on.
 I'm going to tell them you said that.
 I don't care.
 Since Ric Flair is the real world's champion, he shouldn't even be in the rumble. He should face the winner. That would be fair. If you want to be fair to Flair,
 Don't start with that fair to Flair to me!
 Well you know, what we're dealing with is one of the original Village People here, with his manager Jimmy Hart, who keeps kissing the belt leaving all that lipstick on it. I heard the Mountie out here saying, "first thing I'm gonna do," pounds his chest, I don't know him, he's something. "First thing I'm gonna do, I'm gonna take Piper's integrity!" Sounds like Jacques Cousteau trying to find a dry spot in the ocean. I ain't go no damn integrity! How do think I got so far? "Second thing I'm gonna do, I'm gonna take Roddy Piper's manhood!" Huh? I come here to fight! I don't know what you come here to do! I come here to win two titles—I can't do that 'til I win the first one! I think you've been dreamin', I think it's been all wet too.
 Tell me, Mr. Flair, how did you fare in the Royal Rumble drawing?
 Lord Alfred, I drew #3. To a lot of people out there, they'd say, "my god, what a disadvantage you're going at." But look at it like this. When your name is Ric Flair, when you're the claimant to the real World Heavyweight Championship, you know that, to make everybody a believer, that I've gotta beat 29 other men; so I'll get #3, that means I'll be in there close to an hour. It makes no difference—when I walk out, I will be the World Wrestling Federation Champion, against all odds and that's the bottom line.
 And at this time, to make a brief statement prior to the Rumble’s beginning, it gives me great a great deal of pleasure to introduce to you the esteemed president of the World Wrestling Federation, Mr. Jack Tunney! [Tunney enters and the crowd boos]
 Ol’ Jack "On the Take" Tunney.
 Quiet!
 Thank you very much Howard. I would like to take this opportunity to officially welcome everyone who is watching this spectacular event with us. This is a very big undertaking for the WWF. The winner of the R—uh, this event will not only have the prestige of beating 29 other men but also be declared the undisputed World Wrestling Federation Champion.
 [impatient] Come on let’s go!
 Keep your pants on.
 I would like to say, in closing, may the best man win! Thank you.
 Yeah, yeah yeah.
 Thank you Mr. President.
 He’s been the best president since Noriega.
 Will you be serious?
 There goes the buzzer
 [The third entrant is Ric Flair]
 NO!
 Oh, yes!
 DAMN IT!
 That's okay. I know Perfect's got him ready. [Flair gives one last high-five to Mr. Perfect and enters the ring] He's confident.
 Did you hear what I just said?
 What? You talking to me?
 Yes.
 What'd you say?
 No one ever, in the history of the Royal Rumble, has drawn numbers 1-5, and been there at the end.
 OH, SHUT UP! Take your time, Champ. Pace yourself! I'm gonna have to apologize to the people; I don't think I can be really be objective.
 When have you ever been objective?!
 Flair, let Sags do all the work. Go over to the corner and rest, you only have two minutes...
 You're supposed to be a broadcast journalist — be objective here.
 I told you to shut up! Leave me alone.
 Back off, Ric. Let Haku do the dir... the kicking. [Haku attacks Flair] See!
 Oh, there it is!
 What the heck are you doing, Haku? Have you gone nuts?
 Just to show you it's every man for himself.
 Oh no, no, no!
 ...every guy that comes out here.
 This isn't fair to Flair! There are no friends, Monsoon! Only enemies—thirty enemies!
 Where's Perfect?
 They're not allowed at ringside, Brain. You know that.
 He's not a manager, he's an executive consultant.
 Same thing — a pest.
 Shawn Michaels is making guacamole out of El Matador.
 He is not.
 Look at the tights; they're green.
 [Ric delivers a low blow to British Bulldog]
 Did you see that? Talk about desperation.
 You know what's at stake? A man'll do anything!
 Pulling out all the stops, Ric Flair doing whatever necessary to hang in there.
 I'd do that to my own grandmother if I had to.
 I'm sure you would.
 [Roddy Piper saves Flair from a Jake Roberts DDT]
 I never thought I'd say this, but thank you, Roddy. It's a kilt. It's not a skirt, it's a kilt.
 [Not long after, Piper attacks Flair]
 You no-good creep! You skirt-wearing freak! It's not a kilt, it's a skirt!
 [on #19, Jimmy Snuka] He's jogging. He's wasting time, he's wasting energy. He's not conserving his energy or his time.
 He's not wasting time.
 I don't know what I'm saying anymore.
 I know you don't.
 Savage with a high knee... [Randy Savage eliminates Jake "The Snake" Roberts] Jake is out of there!
 [Savage leaps over the top rope (seemingly eliminating himself) to continue fighting Jake]
 Savage is out too! Savage is out, he went over the top! He made the mistake of a lifetime!
 [Undertaker exits to pull Savage off]
 Undertaker went underneath that bottom rope, but I think the Macho Man has eliminated himself. What a mistake!
 I think he did.
 That's what happens when your heart takes over your mind.
 You can't let your loved ones control your pocketbook.
 [Undertaker throws him back into the ring]
 Well, Undertaker threw him back in, but I don't think that's gonna help him.
 [Savage breaks free and chases down Jake]
 Oh, I know what it is, Monsoon! Since...Savage wasn't thrown over the top rope, so that means he can go back in. No one threw him over the rope; I believe that's one of the rules of the Royal Rumble.
 I'll have to check that out, Brain; I'll take your word for it right now.
 [as the Undertaker once again tosses Savage back in] See, the referee's letting him go back in. Somebody has to throw him out.
 He certainly is — you have to be propelled by someone else.
 [on Flair's low blow] He just tried to lift the Undertaker.
 He did not.
 [on Virgil] Don't forget, at one time, he had that Million Dollar Championship belt.
 He certainly did.
 Of course, he stole it, but he still had it.
 He did not!
 Virgil just came out, right? #23, right?
 Yes
 Just think, who knows how many bags he's gone through in the back!
 Oh, will you stop?!
 I'm soaking wet, I need something to drink. Hey, you, stupid, get me something to drink!
 He is right now the all-time record holder, in excess of 55 minutes. Congratulations are in order for Ric Flair.
 Give him the title, that's good enough for me!
 No, I'm not giving him the title.
 We've only got one entry left. No secret involved here; the guy who drew #30 is gonna be coming out in five seconds. It will be no surprise—it is the Warlord.
 But you never know.
 [The buzzer sounds]
 What do you mean, you never know?
 You never know what Tunney and the WWF'll pull on you!
 It could only be one guy.
 [as #30, The Warlord enters the arena] I told you—the Warlord. I was right. I knew it, I was right.
 [as Hogan tries to kick Flair out of the ring] Justice just watching. Flair hooking that bottom rope... [Sid Justice tosses Hogan out completely, eliminating Hogan and allowing Flair to inch back in] And look at from behind, Justice got rid of Hulk!
 Uh-oh. I don't like the looks of things now. There are no friends...
 [to Hogan, who's complaining to the referees] It's every man for himself, big boy!
 There are no friends, only enemies!
 Boy, is Hulk upset. Look, he's...he's saying, "you've stolen my belt!" [Hogan grabs Sid's arm, trying to pull him out] Look at this! Hulkster holding on, trying to pull him out. It's Flair from behind.
 [Hogan keeps pulling as Flair pushes Sid over the top rope onto the floor, winning the Rumble and the WWF Championship]
 OH YES! YES! YES YES YES YES...
 Flair did it!
 YES! YES! YES! YES! He did it! I told you, Monsoon! I told you, Monsoon! I told you, I told you! YES! YES! YES! [continues over Howard's announcement] YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! I told you!
 Ric Flair!
 Flair did it, I don't believe it!
 He did it! He did it! I knew he'd do it! I knew he'd do it! All you humanoids know!
 [Hogan chases Flair out of the ring, where Mr. Perfect meets him and raises his hand down the aisle]
 What a man Ric Flair proved to be...
 I'm gonna meet him! I'm gonna meet him!
 Where are you going? The Brain has just left the broadcast position to join the new World Wrestling Federation Champion, Ric Flair! [Hogan and Sid get into a shoving match as several officials get between them] And two would-be champions left inside that ring. Oh, a lot of hatred shown here as we've got all kinds of referees and WWF officials to step between these two behemoths. Look at Justice, look at the Hulkster. He said, "you robbed me of my title." These guys want at each other. Terry Garvin out there, Pat Patterson, Rene Goulet, Tony Garea—I don't know whether there's enough guys out there to keep these two apart. Lot of trouble in paradise here. As the Hulkster was about to, earlier on, get rid of Ric Flair, and Justice was just standing by watching, and then from the back, flipped out the Hulkster. There are no friends in the Royal Rumble. And now there are enemies, that's for sure. Two guys who were odds-on favorites; of course, Ric Flair was a favorite as well, but drawing the number 3, well, just about said goodbye to his chances. [Sid exits the ring] But he proved everybody wrong. Everybody in the world now knows what Ric Flair can do, what kind of man he is.
 Come on, shithead! Come on! I'll kill ya!
 [Dubbed over commentary of the above moment when shown on TV weeks later.]
 Take a look at Justice just hanging in the corner, biding his time here. [Sid eliminates Hogan from behind] From behind, look at this! I don't believe it! Snuck up like a thief from the night from behind and dumped the Hulkster out of there! Holy mackerel!
 Listen Monsoon, he's calling him big boy! He's rubbing it in too. I like Sid Justice! I like his style. Come on Ric!
 Look at that, he said "Every man for himself!", but yes, be a man and face the guy! At least turn around and look in your face when you dump somebody out. [Hogan pulls Sid's arm and Ric Flair eliminates Sid winning the match and the title] Look at this! Ric Flair, dumping Sid out! I don't believe it!
 YES! YES! WOOOOOOOO!!
 It is official! I can't believe for over one hour! Ric Flair is the new World Wrestling Federation Champion!
 YES! I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU! YES! YES! YES! HE DID IT!
 What a display of guts by that guy!
 And what a great move by Sid Justice to outsmart that big dummy, Hulk Hogan! YES!
 What a creep Sid Justice turned out to be!
 Hey, I gotta go Monsoon!
 Where are you going?
 I'm going to me the WWF World Champion! You wrap it up!
 The Brain out of here! And look at this once again, sneaking up from behind, Sid Justice! Give me a break here! Now it's even, face to face! This is the way it should've been from the beginning.
 All right, by virtue of winning the Royal Rumble, we have a brand new World Wrestling Federation Champion. As the press watches on, at this time, to present the title belt to the new Champion, our president, the distinguished Jack Tunney.
 [shaking Ric's hand and handing him the title] Congratulations, Ric Flair, on becoming the undisputed Champion of the World Wrestling Federation.
 Let me just say, after video-distorting the belt that proclaimed me the REAL world's champion, I'm gonna tell you all, with a tear in my eye, this is the greatest moment in my life. When you walk around this world and you tell everybody you're #1, the only way you get to stay #1, is to be #1, and this is the only title in the wrestling world that makes you #1! When you are the king of the WWF, you rule the world! Think about it like that. Mr. Perfect, the Brain — WOO!!!
 Let's give a big one...
 WOOO!!!
 You did it! I was never so impressed with anything I've ever seen in all my life! He went out there for over sixty minutes, never took a bad step! Took it to Hogan, took it to the Undertaker, took it to whoever got in that ring! That's why he is — and you call him now — the real world's heavyweight champion!
 Bobby, we're not the kind of guys to say, "we told you so," but we...
 Told you so!
 Very good. Ric Flair, you have made World — [off-camera] put that cigarette out! — you have made World Wrestling Federation history here tonight.
 now it's Ric Flair, and you all pay homage to the man! WOOO!!! I love it!
 DiBiase, one half of the reigning WWF Tag Team Champions along with Irwin R. Schyster, and now he and Ric Flair are doubling up on the former champion Bob Backlund.
 Can you get arrested for beating up the elderly?
 Will you stop?
 You know, Jerry "The King" Lawler is the host of Superstars.
 I thought Vince McMahon was the host of Superstars.
 No, he goes and gets him coffee and stuff.
 Will you be serious?
 I think there was a little bit more sting on the reverse knife-edges of Tenryu.
 Well, where do you think they got the word "chop suey"?
 Not from that!
 Are you talking to me?
 Forget about it. It's so deafening in here, you can barely hear yourself.
 WHAT?
 Look, he's got him by his tongue!
 That's his tie. If Irwin is stupid enough to wear a tie in there, then he deserves it.
 Boy, you're gonna get audited now.
 Last time I saw Tugboat... Typhoon... Buffoon, whatever he is, run that fast is when they opened up a lunch line at the free buffet.
 Oh, who's coming out now?
 Well, why don't you just wait a minute and find out?!?
 I'm sorry, I'm excited! So what? [the buzzer sounds] Is that you blowing your nose or is that the horn?
 Now remember that, when a man sticks his hand out to shake hands with you, you shake it...and then kick him really hard when he's not looking.
 [on Backlund] How long's he been in there now?
 46 minutes and counting!
 HOW COME YOU KNOW THIS STUFF AND NOT ME?
 Fatu is bye-bye!
 Who eliminated him, Brain? There's so much going on!
 I think he threw himself out, I don't know.
 Threw himself out? NOBODY WOULD DO THAT!
 Backlund's been in there so long, when he entered the ring, his shoes were up to his knees!
 WILL YOU STOP?
 There goes Backlund, there goes Backlund.
 Tito Santana trying to get him outta there, and Backlund came down on the apron and scooted underneath the bottom rope.
 This guy's like a spider monkey! He just hooks onto things and you can't get him off!
 And he got one hell of a reaction from this capacity crowd for that move.
 That was just totally out of respect. He's like a leech! I had an aunt once like that.
 You resemble that remark.
 [as Earthquake and Yokozuna face-off] Look at this. Look at this. It's like the two Sears Towers meeting.
 Earthquake says, "let's get it on!"
 And look at Yokozuna. "Come on, big boy. Try to make me shake!"
 It is deafening here in the arena as we are live at the Royal Rumble!
 I see your lips moving, but I can't hear you!
 Look at this. Carlos Colon got "The Rocket" Owen Hart perched up there.
 No, that's Martel!
 That's Martel, I'm sorry!
 You should be! If you can't do it right, take a hike!
 I'm outta here.
 Don't go yet, wait a minute, I've gotta ask you another question.
 Fuji's at ringside! He's waving the Japanese flag! Banzai, Macho Man!
 Fuji with the flag from the Land of the Rising Sun.
 SAMOA!
 [Yokozuna runs to splash Savage in the corner]
 Fuji's saying "one more time." [Savage gets out of the way, and Yokozuna hits the corner] Oh, look out! He got out of there! Savage still got something left!
 He's going up to the top rope! [Staggering, Yokozuna falls to the mat] He's down! Yokozuna's down!
 [Savage hits the elbow on Yokozuna]
 Savage with the elbow. [Savage tries to pin Yokozuna] Pinfalls don't count! [Yokozuna pushes Savage off, over the top and to the floor, winning the Rumble] Oh, there you go!
 He threw him off from the floor! He pitched him from the mat over the top rope to the floor!
 Let's go and get the official word!
 Yokozuna!
 Yokozuna on his way to WrestleMania IX! Caesar and Cleopatra, they will be leading the way for Yokozuna to Caesar's Palace for the big one. April 4, WrestleMania IX, Caesar's Palace.
 This man is going to become a national hero.
 Who is going to defeat this unbelievable individual?
 [After the WWF Tag Team Championship match, Owen is arguing with an injured Bret "Hit Man" Hart]
 Well it's... It's obvious to me that Owen Hart is blaming...
 [Owen kicks Bret in the injured leg, knocking the elder Hart down] Oh no!
 HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! That's the smartest thing that Owen Hart has done all night, McMahon. As a matter of fact, that's the smartest thing that Owen Hart has ever done. I think you've just seen a major change in that man's career. He is finally waking up to the fact that he's not going to stand in the shadow of big brother anymore, because big brother wants to hog the limelight.
 [A chorus of boos rain down on Owen as he leaves the ring] Can you imagine what the Hart family must be thinking back in Calgary right now? They thought we were going to see Owen and Bret, as brothers, win the Tag Team championships! Instead, they see that man right there!
 All he had to do was tag me, but he was too selfish to worry about me! He just worries about himself! He's gotta be a hero and fight the whole match by himself! All he had to do was tag me. I know he had a bad leg! Why didn't he just tag me?! Just tag me, Bret, but you're too damn selfish.
 I can't believe those remarks!
 I can! He hit the nail right on the head. That's exactly what I said, McMahon. That's exactly what I said, and Owen Hart has just waken up. From now on, you're gonna see a whole new attitude from that young man, and I see him going to the top.
 Vince, I gotta tell you I cannot believe what I just saw. Owen, please tell me why, why this despicable act...
 Why what? Why what?!
 I don't understand...
 You wanna know why?! Bret Hart, you're nothing but a selfish person! I went in there in a tag team match for the biggest match of my life! It was a dream come true. I thought I had the best partner in the world—my own brother. But you're too selfish, like I've said all along. Your ego is too big. You only worry about yourself, Bret. You don't care about me.
 Unbelievable, in front of your entire family...
 I don't care about anybody. I was concerned about myself and my whole family, the biggest opportunity of my life. I had a chance, Bret, and you stripped it away from me, you took it away from me, Bret, because you're too selfish. All you had to do was just tag me. My hand was there. Just tag me. I knew your leg was bad, I was aware of that, just tag me. But you're too selfish! You just want to put your Sharpshooter on. I could've won the match; I don't need you with a bad leg doing it, Bret. You're too damn selfish! And that's why you're sitting there with a bad leg, and that's why I kicked your leg outta your leg.
 Owen, let me ask you something. You obviously cost Bret a shot at the Championship, there's no way he's gonna be able to compete in the Royal Rumble match coming up tonight. Don't you think that was selfish on your part?
 There's no selfishness in me, there's not a selfish bone in my body. He cost himself the WWF Tag Team belts, and he cost me, his little brother, a guy that's never had the taste of a WWF belt before! He's done it before, he doesn't care about me, he just worries about himself. I don't care about you in the Royal Rumble, Bret, because this is my opportunity. I'm in it too. I'm not worried about you getting cost the WWF Belt. I'm worried about myself, and I'm gonna get that belt, because I didn't get a chance to win the Tag Belts because of you. But I can count on myself, and I'll take the WWF Belt. I'll win that Royal Rumble.
 Be not proud. The spirit of the Undertaker lives within the soul of all mankind. The eternal flame of life that cannot be extinguished, the origin of which cannot be explained, the answer lies in the everlasting spirit. Soon all mankind will witness the rebirth of the Undertaker. I will not rest in peace.
 You gotta remember one thing, McMahon. When it's all over, [the buzzer sounds] done and said, when the smoke clears and the dust settles, they don't care how...
 [#6 is Bart Gunn] Here comes Bart. Here comes Bart Gunn!
 ...they just wanna know who. When it's all over, who won. Not how they win, who won.
 [#7 is Diesel] Look at this monster.
 That's one big man, McMahon. Almost as big as me.
 Yeah, right.
 Hey, if I'm standing on my wallet.
 [#10 is Virgil, an alternate entry, who attacks Diesel] What a story this would be if Virgil could dump the big man out.
 Well, the key word there, McMahon, is "alternate." [As he says this, Diesel eliminates Virgil] Virgil made his mistake long ago when he left me. See what I mean?
 Who is gonna stop this huge monster in the ring?
 Next!
 [After entry #25 fails to enter]
 That must have been Bret. That must be Bret Hart. That's unfortunate.
 [laughs] A matter of opinion.
 Nine men currently in the Rumble, and unfortunately it would've been ten with Bret Hart, I suppose. Bret Hart wanted to be in the Rumble; it was a dream of his to be in the Royal Rumble, to win this one, and then go on to perhaps once again be the WWF Champion. It has been a bad night for Bret Hart, one that I'm sure he will never ever forget, and a bad night for the whole Hart family.
 Not Owen! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
 [as the buzzer sounds] The ring is really filling up with humanity now. Who is it? Who is it? [Entry #27 is, limping to the ring...] It's Bret Hart! It's Bret Hart!
 I can't believe it! I just can't believe it! I'll tell you what. I'll tell you, McMahon, that's sure...he's sure showing a lot of guts!
 Look at that determination! Look at that determination!
 Yeah, look how stupid he is for risking this after he'd been hurt so bad! There's a lot of guts, but no brains at all!
 I don't know what Bret can do in the ring, in the Royal Rumble, if he can do anything. But I'll tell you, if he doesn't do anything, I'll give that man credit for returning. What gumption, what guts on the part of Bret Hart.
 I don't know what you're seeing, McMahon. I give him credit for being stupid. He's out there risking what could be his career with a severe injury, just to prove to all these people that he's got guts.
 [Lex Luger has Bret Hart up in position for elimination] And Luger has Bret up! And, no. [Bret escapes]
 No.
 [Both men go over the top rope] It's Luger, I think... Luger threw... Luger threw Bret Hart out!
 Well... I don't know. I don't... know. Where's the referee?
 Luger... Luger - I believe, I'm not sure - threw Bret Hart out.
 I hate to say it; I think Bret Hart threw Luger out!
 [Referees Joey Marella and Earl Hebner confer amongst themselves] Well, a discussion going on. Let's, uh... let's get the ring announcement. Here we go. Let's get... let's get the official word. Let's go now to get the official word from the ring announcer, as to who won the Royal Rumble.
 Absolutely. The referees are still thinking about it.
 Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the 1994 WWF Royal Rumble...
 [Luger's music plays] Yes sir, it's Luger! What an ovation!
 [Meanwhile, Hebner is yelling something to Howard] I don't know, McMahon. I don't know.
 [Suddenly, Luger's music is cut off] Wait a minute, wait a minute... the music has stopped. [The two referees are conferencing with Howard] There's more discussion going on. [Hebner says something to Howard, and he prepares to make another announcement] Uh-oh. I think there's... Let's go up. There's another announcement to be made.
 Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the 1994 WWF Royal Rumble... [This time, Hart's music plays]
 Well, it must be the "Hit Man" Bret Hart!
 Wow.
 And he's back on his feet.
 Wait a minute, McMahon, who won this thing? I don't think they can make up their minds. First Luger's music plays, [Hart's music is cut off] then Hart's music... they stopped it again.
 Well the announcer has yet to announce exactly who won the Royal Rumble.
 Look, the referees are arguing, they can't make up their mind. I don't think they know.
 [Marella and Hebner take turns holding one of the wrestlers' arms up in victory] I've never seen this before.
 Well, what happens NOW?!?
 I think... I think, uh, the official on the left believes Bret Hart won. [Hebner holds Hart's arm up, while Marella holds Luger back] Both men went out, I guess, at approximately the same time. It was tough from our viewpoint. I thought... [Suddenly, WWF president Jack Tunney enters the ring] Wait a minute; there's president Jack Tunney.
 I think Luger won, McMahon.
 I think I'm going to agree with you, but I'm not sure. [Tunney steps between the two referees] All right, Jack Tunney between the officials. Let's go back if we have a replay; I don't know. If we have it, let's see what we can... Jack Tunney will have to make a decision here, but let's... [The screen shows a replay of the finish] Here we go. We're going to see it; here we go now. And over they go and... I don't know.
 Wow, I don't know.
 [Back to live action] I don't know. I thought it was Luger at first, but I'm not too sure after that. I'm not too sure.
 I think it was Luger, McMahon. Luger's longer-legged.
 Let's take another look at it, if we have it. If we have another angle... [The screen shows another angle of the finish] While Jack Tunney's making up his mind, you make up yours. And we go out and it's...
 Here we go. Luger!
 No, that was Bret, I think.
 [Back live] No, I think it was Luger. [Tunney is talking to Howard] What are they doing?
 Jack Tunney discussing things with the officials. No one has left this building. We are awaiting the announcement.
 Well, when Tunney sticks his nose in this, you never know what's gonna happen.
 Well, Tunney has to make a decision here, and this must be the toughest decision he'll ever make.
 I'm telling you, Luger won it.
 Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the 1994 WWF Royal Rumble... [Howard stops and goes to Tunney]
 Oh, wait a minute...
 They can't figure it out!
 Give me a break. Who won this thing? I thought for sure it was Luger, but I'm not too sure after those replays. We saw a number of angles.
 I think he oughta ring the bell and just let them beat each other to the ground. HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
 Well, the tension is building here at the Providence Civic Center! The tension is building here!
 I'm telling ya, I think Luger won it.
 Let's go back to another replay! [The screen shows another replay] This will be the one that will determine who won! Here we go! And...
 It looks like it, you see?!? It's Luger! I'm telling ya, Luger's feet hit the ground first.
 [Back live] Let's go back. Here we go.
 Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the 1994 WWF Royal Rumble... [pauses for a moment, until finally...] the winners are Lex Luger and Bret "Hitman" Hart!
 [The "WrestleMania" theme plays] What?
 Oh, no.
 Well, Jack Tunney may have made the only decision that he could make after those replays certainly... It was most inconclusive from our vantage point. However...
 But, McMahon...
 The question remains...
 Exactly.
 Who's gonna... Who will go to Wrestlemania and face the WWF Champion? Will Bret Hart get the nod from Jack Tunney? Will Lex Luger get the nod from Jack Tunney?
 Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please! Due to the inability of the official...
 Put that chair down!
 [cont'd]... to maintain control of this contest, he has declared this match a draw!
 Can you believe this? The Heartbreak Kid drew #1! Well, you can bet Shawn Michaels won't be going to WrestleMania as the #1 contender. Michaels fooled everybody on the Action Zone earlier on—Michaels acted like he was proud of his number. It's the luck of the draw, and Shawn Michaels very unlucky here tonight at the Royal Rumble, and Michaels better get all the glory he can right now. [As Shawn dances off his gear in the ring] Oh, please, give me a break.
 Let me just tell you this, McMahon. He loves being the #1 draw because of what he's doing right now. It means that it's just all that much longer he gets to strut his stuff in front of Pamela Anderson. But don't get your hopes up, Shawn. She might accompany him to WrestleMania, but she'll be accompanying me tonight.
 [on entry #5, Jimmy Del Ray] I like this guy. I like him.
 You like him?
 Yes.
 Well, is he gonna win the Rumble?
 I don't like him that much.
 Who do... you don't like him that much.
 I told you I've already gone on record, I started... I did wanna change my prediction. I went on record as predicting Shawn Michaels, but when I saw he drew #1, I thought about changing it.
 To whom? Who would you choose?
 I'll tell you later.
 [on #7, Tom Prichard] I love this guy.
 You like him?
 Yes.
 Is he gonna win the Royal Rumble?
 I don't like him that much either.
 Is Dink in there?
 Of course not. You would see him, wouldn't you?
 No, you can't see him. He gets lost in shag carpet.
 Look at Luke the Bushwhacker—he's heading back already, but he stayed longer than he was in in 1991. He only lasted 4.9 seconds then.
 What, have you got a stopwatch on?
 Yeah, look at this. See Mickey's hand?
 [#16 is Mo] Oh no. It's Mo.
 It's Mo from Men on a Mission. [Mo enters the ring, charges King Kong Bundy, and gets backdropped over the top to the floor, getting eliminated]
 WHOO HOO HOO! WHOO HOO HOO! Look at my watch! Mo was on a mission, wasn't he? He just broke Luke's record! Ha ha ha ha! What did he last? One second?
 One of these men that you're looking at right now, one of them, and only one, will go to WrestleMania and face the WWF Champion, whomever he may be, and escorted by Pamela Anderson.
 Woo, yeah!
 And she is impressed, unquestionably...
 Look, she waved at me! Wink at me, baby!
 She wasn't winking at you.
 Yes, she was.
 And you don't have a date with her either.
 She loves me. I do! I'm telling you I do. I'll tell you all about it, maybe.
 Shawn Michaels and Crush, they're my picks...and Lex Luger.
 Make up your mind. Only one man can win.
 Last year, two won.
 Yeah, that was the first time that ever happened; I would suggest the only time it'll ever happen. Never again will two men go out at the same time, and have their feet touch the floor at the very same time with both feet. I don't think that'll ever happen.
 I can't believe we're back where we started!
 Never before have the first two individuals who have entered the Rumble lasted to the last two! And Michaels just... Can you believe that? Davey Boy kicked him back into the ring.
 You gotta keep your feet on the mat, Shawn.
 [The British Bulldog presses Michaels above him and racks him on the top rope]
 He's outta here, see ya! [Bulldog swings Michaels back into the ring] And again, though, Davey Boy, the momentum bringing Shawn Michaels back in...[Bulldog clotheslines Michaels over the top rope, seemingly winning the Rumble] Forget about it! Forget about it! Michaels has been eliminated! Yes! Yes, it finally has happened! [Bulldog's music plays] It finally has happened! The British Bulldog will go to WrestleMania and face the WWF... [As Bulldog celebrates in the corner, Michaels nails him from behind, sending him over and onto the floor, winning the Rumble] Wait a minute.
 What's the deal?
 Wait just a minute!
 My prediction is true! They're saying that Shawn Michaels has won the Royal Rumble!
 Michaels was eliminated by the British Bulldog! Let's go to the announcer to clear it up.
 Ladies and gentlemen, the referee has informed me that only one of Shawn Michaels' feet hit the floor.
 What?
 The Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels!
 [after Goldust reverses a waistlock on Razor Ramon and caresses him, who is instantly freaked out] I can't believe what I just saw.
 That was a little different.
 Maybe Goldust got what he wanted out of this match already.
 Oh no, I think this man is cagey, very crafty
 Ten-yard penalty for illegal use of the hands.
 ...
 Is he gonna check him for a hernia next?
 [Henry Godwinn has emptied a bucket of slop on everyone outside the ring]
 Hunter Hearst-Helmsley covered in slop, Backlund covered in slop, here comes the King, he got some of it too.
 There's no place for that stinking slop! I think I'm at a Gallagher concert!
 Will it be Yokozuna? Will it be the man they call Vader?
 I gotta stick with Vader.
 And Savio Vega could very well win this thing.
 I learned a lot time ago, McMahon, you never make a redhead mad.
 [on entry #21, Aldo Montoya] He's got his jock on the wrong part of his body.
 [#24 is Steve Austin] He's the winner right there, McMahon. I pick him.
 And there's a good look, ladies and gentlemen, at Steve Austin, known as the Ringmaster, on his way. Another Corporate member of Ted DiBiase's Million Dollar Corporation, and you can bet he's definitely gonna make a difference.
 Look at this guy, McMahon. The Ringmaster—close enough to perfect for me. He gets my vote right now. Look at the shape this guy's in, look at how aggressive he is, look at how good he looks, reminds me of me so much.
 He is cold and calculating for sure.
 [#25 is Barry Horowitz] It's a bird, it's a plane, no, it's Barry Horriblewitz.
 Call him what you will. Barry Horowitz could very well win this thing—anyone can win.
 If a nerd ends up at WrestleMania and gets the World Wrestling Federation Champion, I'm getting back in the ring.
 Almost anyone would do anything to win this year's Royal Rumble matchup.
 If Horowitz wins this match, I quit. You'll never see me again.
 [as Diesel clotheslines Kama out of the ring, eliminating him] It's gonna be Diesel, no doubt about it.
 Kama eliminated! It's Diesel, it's Michaels...
 [Shawn superkicks Diesel out of the ring, winning the Rumble]
 NO! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! TWO YEARS IN A ROW! That's impossible, McMahon! Impossible!
 "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels!
 [over announcement] Shawn Michaels is going to WrestleMania!
 How does he do that?!
 Ladies and gentlemen, Bret "Hitman" Hart has been disqualified...
 Aw, come on.
 the Undertaker!
 Diesel coming in, blatantly interfering; the Undertaker wants the WWF Championship around his waist. [On Diesel] Look at that steely cold look on the face.
 However, the World Wrestling Federation Championship can not change hands on a disqualification.
 Oh, boy.
 [as Diesel cracks a little smile] And no one knows that better than that man right there.
 Yes, that look says it all.
 It does, the Undertaker... [Diesel gives the Undertaker the finger] Wait, look what Diesel just did!
 Oh, come on!
 The Undertaker had piledrived Bret Hart!
 He had him beat!
 But you'll never know whether or not Bret would've been pinned by the Undertaker.
 Of course he'd have been pinned!
 [to HHH] Come on, you piece of shit!
 I've been sitting here counting, I'm up to about 54. Why doesn't the referee count Goldust out?
 Why don't you ask these questions to Monsoon? He's in charge of the officials. We can't answer those questions, King.
 Maybe it's because you would want to be assigned as a guest referee on occasion.
 That'd be a good idea.
 Yeah, you're right. I'd have already disqualified Goldust.
 You'd be the Red Cashion of the WWF.
 What? Who?
 [as Ahmed Johnson scoops Crush out of the ring] Taking it to Crush, and throwing him out. He's gone! Crush is gone!
 [Crush lands on the edge and rolls back in]
 Feet didn't hit, did they?
 You're right.
 That's why the referees are on the outside. No reason for them to be on the inside of the ring.
 Both feet- [Johnson leaves the ring (going over the top rope and eliminating himself in the process) to attack Faarooq] wait a minute, wait a minute, Ahmed just eliminated himself! There's Faarooq! Ahmed going after Faarooq! Ahmed eliminated himself, and Crush is in the ring all alone!
 He is an idiot.
 [Austin eliminates Bart Gunn] The first time Bart held on, the second time he couldn't. And once again, Stone Cold Steve Austin is picking 'em off one at a time.
 [as Austin, all by himself, does push-ups in the ring] Look at this. Please.
 And he's telling us all he's in great shape. He's in fightin' shape.
 He's in great condition, all right.
 I'm sure he's been in a few barroom brawls.
 [Austin now sits on the top corner] Look at this, patiently awaiting the next individual to come out. You talk about a man with a nasty temperament. [Austin looks at his wrist like a watch] Well, his watch is working as well as ours.
 [#13 is Owen Hart] Oh, no, it's Bret Hart's "stinking rotten" brother, as Bret would say...
 What?!
 ...Owen Hart.
 You mean the whiner? He whines about everything.
 Listen to you guys, he's a Slammy Award winner!
 [as Bulldog attempts to eliminate Austin] Austin's going for the ride!
 Yes!
 [As this happens, Owen eliminates the Bulldog, and Austin avoids hitting the floor himself]
 Hey, wait a minute.
 I think that was Owen who eliminated Bulldog.
 [as Owen and Bulldog argue] Owen Hart trying to... the Bulldog is angry.
 Bulldog just called Owen an idiot!
 They're tag team partners, they're Tag Team Champions!
 They're brother-in-laws!
 He flipped me out!
 So what, you whiner. It's every man for himself.
 I understand that, although Owen was professing that it was an accident. He was...
 Probably was.
 ...attempting to get Stone Cold Steve Austin out.
 Owen hasn't told the truth since the King was a prince.
 Oh listen to you now.
 [on #20, "Double J" Jesse James] The guy's a promising young singer, I wish he'd promise to stop singing.
 Stone Cold Steve Austin, and you gotta get credit where it's due. You may not like Stone Cold, you may not like his attitude, but Austin is a competitor.
 While these 60,000+ fans I'm assuming appreciate Austin's intensity, they certainly do not appreciate his attitude.
 Who will be next? Who will face Stone Cold Steve Austin in less than ten seconds?
 The quicker he can eliminate them, the more time he has to rest. [Time expires; #21 is Bret Hart. Austin is shocked at Bret's music.] Uh-oh.
 YES! YES! YES!
 Watch this. [Time expires, and Jerry Lawler's music plays, revealing that he is #22] Oh, yeah! Hey, McMahon, watch this, baby!
 I can't believe it! You are in it!
 [removing his jacket and headset] I said it once, and I'll say it again—it takes a king!
 Jerry "The King" Lawler sneaking up behind the Hitman Bret Hart!
 [Bret turns his attention from Austin to Jerry. Punches him twice, the second one sending Jerry flying over the top rope and onto the floor, eliminating him]
 I think we just saw a record broken! I think Lawler has just broken the record!
 I think you just said it takes a king...
 [putting headset back on] To know a king, McMahon! I told you!
 Told us what?
 It takes a king to know a king!
 Bret Hart thought this morning, when I talked to him on Superstars, that he shouldn't even have to be in this matchup, that he should've come into the Royal Rumble as the WWF Champion.
 He shouldn't have even been in this matchup!
 That's what I just said.
 Not because he should be the champion, it's because he shouldn't even be in the WWF! He's a jerk!
 The Hitman is concentrating on Stone Cold. If it comes down to the Hitman and Stone Cold, I say it'll be the Hitman; if it comes down to Terry Funk and Vader, Vader.
 Stone Cold Steve Austin has been in the ring for over forty minutes.
 If it comes down to Undertaker and anybody, Undertaker.
 I'll tell you, I cannot imagine the fatigue, the exhaustion that must be riveting the body of Stone Cold Steve Austin after forty minutes of hell with these guys.
 I'm not even tired.
 You must have amnesia.
 Mankind and Funk on the far side, they're just mauling each other.
 That's a shame. I think they're doing it 'cause they like it. I'd just like to see Mankind and Terry Funk as a team.
 Good-bye Austin! [Bret has thrown Austin out, seemingly eliminating him. The referees fail to notice, distracted by Mankind and Terry Funk brawling]
 Austin's been eliminated!
 Austin... wait a minute...
 He was in there for 34 minutes!
 [as Austin sneaks back into the ring] Well the referees didn't see it.
 Austin has been eliminated. [Austin eliminates the Undertaker and Vader] Wait a minute, the Undertaker and Vader have both just been eliminated! [Bret eliminates "Diesel"] Diesel's been eliminated as well! And now it's over! [From behind, Austin throws out Bret, winning the Rumble] Oh, no! NO! [The bell sounds]
 Wait a minute here.
 Stone Cold Steve Austin!
 He eliminated the Hitman! I didn't actually see Austin's feet hit the floor!
 [As Austin leaves, Bret enters the rings berating the referees] Austin eliminated the Undertaker and Vader and Bret Hart, but Austin went out! Bret Hart eliminated Stone Cold and the referees didn't see it, and Bret Hart is not gonna stand for it!
 Maybe his feet didn't hit the floor, Ross.
 I saw it! I was sitting right here, King! I didn't even see the monitors!
 Imagine Bret Hart...imagine what's going on in his mind. Stone Cold was eliminated—we saw it, we called it—the officials were over there with Mankind and Terry Funk and didn't see it.
 Bret Hart's obsession with winning the WWF Title is so evident! Bret cannot believe it! Bret Hart eliminated Stone Cold, and neither referee saw it!
 You want to talk championships, you gotta be talking about the World Wrestling Federation championship, in a match that Bret Hart wishes that he was in and apparently it looks like it just won't happen. And you can hear everyone booing. A very unpopular decision, the way that Stone Cold Steve Austin "won" the Royal Rumble.
 Well quite frankly, it was a...I don't wanna say it was a bad call. Both officials were on one side of the ring. That's bad officiating, folks! That's why we have two officials. The referees were out of position. Bret Hart's got a very legitimate gripe.
 Please stop whining! It's the referee's decision! The decision's been made and it's final. How many times have you watched a baseball game or a football game, and the replay shows something different from what the referee saw? It's over!
 Just like your precious 49ers, your precious LOD is about to become a part of history as well. Steve Young will play a major role in the Super Bowl this year—he'll be the one telling his fat wife to fetch him another brewski.
 Chainsaw, Mosh, Cactus Jack. I feel like calling Unsolved Mysteries and saying, "hey, I found everybody."
 [#6 is Phineas Godwinn] He's 6'7", 300+ pounds, he's about a biscuit away from 315. It's Phineas Godwinn — living proof of what happens when first cousins marry.
 I'm gonna tell you something — we're fixin' to have five WWF Superstars in the ring and only one brain between them, and that's in the head of The Rock.
 [#20 is Ahmed Johnson] Ahmed Johnson, I guess he's the only man to compete in the Royal Rumble wearing earrings.
 What a fashion statement. If he was a little smarter, he'd know how stupid that looks.
 the opportunity to wrestle the WWF Champion at the biggest event in the industry, the biggest event of all time, WrestleMania XIV in Boston.
 [laughing] Right, and that rug has been yanked right out from under Stone Cold Steve Austin!
 If...that's the truth, that's gonna be a heartbreaker for the ol' rattlesnake.
 Brought it on himself. [Buzzer sounds, signaling entrant #24. Austin's music blares] What?!
 [as all wrestlers stop fighting and look toward the entrance] Stone Cold...that's Austin's music. The action has stopped, everyone is awaiting the arrival of Stone Cold Steve Austin.
 Look out, he's from behind! [Austin comes in the ring from behind, attacks Marc Mero and eliminates him]
 Austin came from the crowd! There goes Mero! Stone Cold is like a man possessed!
 Dude Love] What?!
 Oh no!
 I don't believe it!
 I don't wanna believe it!
 Mrs. Foley's baby boy is pulling a triple-header!
 Somebody knock his head off!
 [as Austin stuns the Rock] Stone Cold Stunner! And the Rock... [Austin tosses the Rock out, winning the Rumble] ...IS GONE! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!!!
 Stone Cold Steve Austin!
 16! Stone Cold will meet the WWF Champion at WrestleMania XIV!
 [Kane and Paul Bearer have set the casket with the Undertaker inside on fire.]
 MY GOD!! THE CASKET'S ON FIRE!! THE CASKET'S ON FIRE!!! THAT CASKET IS ON FIRE!! THE UNDERTAKER IS IN THAT CASKET!!!
 Now you tell the Rock, after the most electrifying move in sports entertainment today, that you quit!
 Go to Hell, Rock!
 ...
 Say you quit!
 You'll have to kill me.
 Only one other man in the history of the Royal Rumble has gone from #1 to win it all—Stone Cold is gonna try to become #2. There is only one Stone Cold Steve Austin.
 Well that's true, but let me just tell you this. You like to talk about history, I venture to say there is only one WWF Superstar that is gonna be in this very ring tonight that has never ever lost a match in his life.
 And who is that?
 That is Mr. McMahon.
 Oh, please, he's never had one.
 He's never lost a match in his life! Shut up!
 Gillberg] It's the man called Gillberg.
 He could win this whole thing.
 King, you're not serious.
 Well, maybe not.
 Gillberg is 0-2. Who will be #1? Who will be his first victim? He's spending more time posing in the walkway than he is getting in the ring.
 He's got chants.
 [as Gillberg screams out at the crowd] Well, Gillberg now in the Royal Rumble match. And Edge...
 [Edge, with very little effort, pushes Gillberg out, eliminating him]
 Ah, Gillberg!
 Oh, please. Gillberg is in and out. So I guess we can say that Gillberg is 0-3 now.
 Droz and Edge have been in the ring a long time. The longer you're in the ring, the easier it is to toss you out; and the object is to go over the top rope and both feet hit the floor, and Tiger's in danger of having a quick exit.
 Wait a minute, the longer you're in the ring, the easier it is to toss you out.
 Yeah, the more tired you get.
 What about the man called Gillberg?
 First off, you picked Steve Blackman to win the Rumble match, he's been eliminated; you also picked Gangrel to win the Rumble match, you still have a chance to make a little money.
 Well, I know I picked Blackman. That damn Psychic Network lied to me.
 Did they give you the tip on Gangrel as well? And here's Gangrel...
 I'll never listen to Dionne Warwick again. She's an idiot.
 ...who almost won the European Championship match in a great match against X-Pac earlier tonight.
 I'm calling LaToya Jackson.
 Gangrel on the ropes now. Road Dogg... [Road Dogg launches Gangrel out of the ring, eliminating him] ...sends Gangrel for the ride. Road Dogg is cleaning house! Hey, King. Hey, King. You're 0-2.
 [The Rock is calling out Stone Cold Steve Austin]
 Get him, Rock! Get him! [The Rock climbs up to the apron and the two fight] Here he goes. I knew it!
 Here we go now! They're getting it on! [Seeing this, Mr. McMahon, with the help of the Rock...] Wait a minute!
 Look at this!
 [...throws Austin out, winning the Rumble] Wait a minute! NO! NO! Mr. McMahon has won the Royal Rumble!
 Mr. McMahon!
 I KNEW IT! HAHAHAHAHA!
 Mr. McMahon has eliminated the Rattlesnake thanks to the Rock! Mr. McMahon will face the Rock at WrestleMania, and Austin is livid!
 [Austin and the Rock fight all the way to the backstage area] Look at this!
 And Austin taking out his frustrations on the champion! Austin is beating the hell out of the champion!
 But right now, Michael Cole, it doesn't matter! This is, without a doubt, the greatest night in the history of the World Wrestling Federation!
 Mr. McMahon has won the Royal Rumble match! I never thought I'd ever hear myself say that! Somebody slap me in the face!
 Here!
 Is this a dream?
 Vince, you just won the Royal Rumble! YOU'RE GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!!!
 King, he didn't do it by himself; he had plenty of help. He sat here at ringside for most of the damn match!
 I don't care how he did it. He won the Royal Rumble!
 [as Triple H and Cactus Jack brawl in the audience during their Street Fight] Cactus Jack and Triple H are in a sea of humanity here!
 Humanity? But this is New York City, J.R.!
 [as Viscera enters the Rumble, facing Rikishi] This is the old unstoppable meeting the immovable, and they're both unliftable.
 Have you seen Albert's tongue? It's pierced, have you seen that?
 I have not looked at his tongue or any other parts of his anatomy that closely, quite frankly.
 He told me that piercing didn't hurt, but then he showed me one that did.
 Can we see that poor Chinese guy Taka Michinoku get thrown over the top rope again?
 He's Japanese!
 Funaki's eliminated for about the eighth time tonight.
 At least he had a good view there for a second.
 Funaki's been eliminated more times than any other Royal Rumble competitor.
 Taka had to be taken to a hospital.
 Do they have some good Chinese hospitals in New York?
 Will you stop that?
 My god, what a chokeslam! The Big Show trying to break the Rock into pieces with a chokeslam!
 He told this crowd, he's telling the world, "You WILL cheer for me!" He said he has the Rock and he's going to win the Royal Rumble and the people will have to cheer him.
 Nobody can go one-on-one, face-to-face, man-to-man, with the Big Show and survive. [Big Show picks Rock up as the crowd chants "Rocky"] The Rock just seconds away from being eliminated here! It's over now, King!
 Oh... good-bye Rock. I told you I was picking the Big Show.
 The Big Show is toying with the Rock.
 He's picking his... picking his sides. [Big Show attempts to throw Rock out] There he goes!
 [Suddenly the Rock grasps the top rope. The momentum carries the Big Show out. The Rock holds on to the top rope, winning the Rumble] OH THE BIG SHOW'S OVER!
 WHAT?
 THE ROCK! THE ROCK HAS WON THE RUMBLE!
 WHAT? How did THAT happen? How did the Rock do it?
 the Rock!
 How in God's name did THAT happen? It looked like the Big Show is gonna eliminate the Rock!
 I knew that the Rock would win! He's done it!
 The Rock guaranteed a victory at the Royal Rumble!
 He guaran-damn-teed it!
 And the Rock has kept his word! He has done what he said he was gonna do!
 [on entry #5] I can't believe he actually did it. Drew Carey is actually coming out here.
 Drew, don't do it, this is suicide!
 One of the biggest stars in all of Hollywood, a man with a couple of weekly television shows, a guy that's gonna have his own pay-per-view on Saturday night.
 I'll tell you what. If Drew lives through this, he deserves to have everybody watch his pay-per-view on Saturday night
 If I was Drew, I'd just hang around and sign some autographs.
 Yeah, pretty good idea; Drew, don't hurry, don't rush anything.
 Listen to the crowd chanting for Drew Carey. You never know what's gonna happen in the WWF, and by golly, [ Jeff Hardy clotheslines Matt Hardy over the top onto the apron] you never know what's gonna happen in the Royal Rumble, as Matt Hardy almost got eliminated there.
 Come on, ref, get Drew in the ring so I can see how he can handle himself against the Hardys.
 [chuckling] You're sadistic.
 [as Drew enters the ring] I'd like to see Drew do...try a hurricanrana, Drew! Uh-oh, he's in the ring.
 Drew Carey in the ring now.
 Dropkick, Drew!
 Drew Carey encouraged in this by Mr. McMahon, and I think...
 Wait, take your glasses off, you're not a Dudley!
 I still think Mr. McMahon, the ol' head of jealousy...[noticing the Hardys fighting in the outside corner] oh my God, look at the Hardys. They just get higher and higher, and the risk factor...[The Hardys fall to the floor, eliminating each other] Matt Hardy eliminated his brother, and Jeff pulled on his shirt that was around his waist...
 [on Drew looking over the ropes] Wait, Drew's done it! Do you realize if this was over, Drew would be going to WrestleMania?!
 Oh God, I shudder to think that.
 Kane is about to become famous. He's gonna be on the news, he's gonna be on the front page of the New York Post!
 Drew Carey's asking for assistance. I hope he's got good insurance with the Screen Actors Guild.
 I can see it now. Access Hollywood, Entertainment Tonight, the E! Network. Look at Drew, he's calling for the Hardys to come back.
 Drew Carey has been left all alone at the Royal Rumble. He's all by himself, and the Big Red Machine is a carnivore!
 Yeah, I don't think Drew really understands what he's gotten into here tonight.
 The Big Red Machine's a carnivore, and Drew Carey's a big ol' pork chop. Drew's starting to sweat Crisco.
 Hey, Drew? What do you think his blood type is? Ragu?
 [Kane converges on Grandmaster Sexay with the trash can] Ooh my god, Kane's now got a trash can.
 LOOK OUT!
 [Kane hits Sexay with the trash can so hard he goes flying over the top rope] Oh, Grandmaster, [Kane hits Steve Blackman] has been knocked over the top by Kane! [Kane then hits Perry Saturn, then Al Snow with the trash can.]] The Big Red Machine... [Kane next hits Raven] ...has gone CRAZY here!
 He's on a rampage now!
 [after Bradshaw attacks Val Venis, saving the Rock from elimination] Bradshaw should've helped Val, in my estimation.
 Nah, nobody wants to help Val or any member of the Right to Censor.
 Yeah, you make a good point.
 How much left can these two men have in their bodies? Austin's got the steel chair!
 Look at Kane! He's a monster! He's already up!
 My God, Kane is up! Oh God, Kane is up!
 Austin, you're not a monster!
 [Austin strikes Kane in the head with the steel chair] What a shot!
 ACK! He didn't even knock him off his feet.
 [Austin strikes Kane again] GOD ALMIGHTY!
 WHOA!
 [Austin strikes Kane again] A shot to the skull! Austin's going to dump him!
 [Austin bounces off the ropes and clotheslines Kane out, winning the Rumble]
 NO! OH!
 KANE IS OUT! STONE COLD! STONE COLD!
 Stone Cold Steve Austin!
 [over announcement] I knew he could do it!
 STONE COLD IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!
 I knew the Rattlesnake could win this thing! Unbelievable!
 THE BATTERED AND BLOODY RATTLESNAKE HAS FOUGHT HIS WAY BACK - HAS FOUGHT HIS WAY THROUGH HELL ITSELF TO GO TO WRESTLEMANIA!
 Fans chanting, "we want Head," at Al Snow. Al Snow and his former mannequin head.
 I'll get in on that chant, but not at Al Snow.
 Would you behave?
 [The Undertaker stands alone in the ring, having thrown out four men] You don't need RE/MAX or Century 21 to tell you whose yard this belongs to, and I don't think it's for sale.
 You know what, JR? There's only one thing I wouldn't wanna be.
 What's that, King?
 Next.
 Matt Hardy could certainly use some help out here, couldn't he?
 Yeah, he ain't likely to get it. It's every man for himself. [Time expires. Entry #10 is Jeff Hardy] But maybe so, King!
 What?!
 Here comes Jeff Hardy!
 Now wait a minute.
 Undertaker about to suplex Matt to the outside, Jeff Hardy blocked that, and now both the Hardys...
 I got a question—who picked these numbers?
 They were drawn randomly. The numbers are drawn randomly [Lita jumps into the ring and joins the Undertaker beatdown] The Hardys and Lita getting some retribution for their near-career-ending injuries!
 [as Lita is pulled out] They let her out there and she doesn't have a number?
 [off the Hardys embrace] Look at the reunion of the Hardys! They're back on the same page! Lita's on the same page!
 No, Lita's off the page!
 And Maven! [He kicks the Undertaker, who is being distracted by the Hardy Boys who he has just eliminated, in the back. The momentum carries the Undertaker over the top rope and eliminates him] OH MY GOD! MY GOD! MAVEN FROM TOUGH ENOUGH JUST ELIMINATED THE UNDERTAKER!!!
 WHAT?! WHAT?!
 MY GOD, MY GOD, I DON'T BELIEVE IT! Now that is... that is the biggest shocker I've ever seen at the Royal Rumble!
 WHAT?!
 You heard me right!
 Let me do it again. WHAT?!
 Maven just eliminated the Undertaker, and Maven cannot believe it!
 [after an eliminated Austin nails Kurt Angle, Mr. Perfect, and Triple H with a chair] Austin may have been eliminated, King, but he's made his mark indelibly on the head of his three adversaries!
 He is the meanest, maddest snake you'll ever lay eyes on! You don't trust anybody, especially that snake right there!
 The Bionic Redneck is pissed, you can count on that!
 Angle in trouble! Angle in trouble!
 No, Kurt! NO! [Triple H clotheslines Angle out of the ring, winning the Rumble]
 IT'S OVER! IT'S OVER! THE GAME! THE GAME!
 Triple H!
 He went through eight months of hell just to make it back, but many said he'd never make it! And now Triple H is going to WrestleMania! Triple H is going to meet the Undisputed WWF Champion at WrestleMania!
 Ladies and gentlemen, I believe that Team Angle has been ejected from this contest!
 Wait a minute, that ain't...if that's true, that ain't cool, that ain't right!
 What do you mean, it's not right?
 [stammering] Well, I...maybe it is right. I don't know, I thought Team Angle was out here to learn and...observe from Kurt Angle.
 Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit will be a classic match-up. There is no need for Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas to be involved. I believe Kurt Angle, Tazz, deep down inside realizes that he cannot beat Chris Benoit. He brought Benjamin and Haas in here as an insurance policy—that insurance policy has been sent to the back.
 [after Chris Jericho nails Shawn Michaels with a chair] Jericho admitted he always admired and emulated Shawn Michaels, but you'd never know it from that vile chair shot!
 I don't know if Jericho respects anybody or anything!
 Poor HBK caught off guard right from the get-go with the help, of course, from Christian and that phony entrance there; Jericho shows up from behind, low blow... [Jericho tosses Michaels onto the floor, eliminating him] ...and ousts Shawn Michaels!
 Shawn Michaels eliminated by Chris Jericho! Shawn Michaels, battered and bloody, a low blow, a chair shot, the distraction, all combined to eliminate Shawn Michaels. I tell you what, I would not have called that in a million years.
 Yo, Yo, Yo!!! Thuganomics Style!
 Naw, naw, Put down your tea potties, get away from your John Hancocks
 I'm rockin this Thuganomics style
 Yo, besides open mics, one thing that gets me boiled
 Is an old school 30-man battle royal
 I'm-a win this, I'm-a make my impression
 Show Vinnie Mac that I got ruthless aggression
 The odds were even until you chose me
 Now it's 29 dudes and one ruthless MC
 Yo, it doesn't matter, kid, 'cause I'll rip your nose off
 I could batter you naked with no clothes on
 Kid, what you talkin' 'bout. Three reasons I'm-a win this
 Reason #1—I cut you up like cucumbers
 Reason #2 that you care to protest
 I'll be chokin' you like Sprewell be chokin' coaches
 Reason #3's hard for me to explain to ya
 But I'm-a win tonight and go on to WrestleMania
 The Royal Rumble's just another test I got to pass
 Y'all dudes are like a kid with one leg—you half-assed
 Yo, what you talkin' 'bout, kid. You can't touch this
 Throw the double clutches if you're down with untouches
 Yo it's my year, I suggest you take the year off.
 I'm sick like Tyson was when he bit Holyfield's ear off.
 It doesn't matter, kid. Yo, you should stop defeat me
 My style's like a swollen penis, you can't beat me.
 Oh, do you like the rap, JR?
 Ninety seconds of...what the hell'd he say? Word to your mother.
 Cena's an amazing young athletic prospect on SmackDown. He's a future main event player, and you're in the main event at WrestleMania if you can win the Royal Rumble match. Cena's got his whole career ahead of him—a great young prospect, but he rapped for damn near ninety seconds.
 So what's wrong with that? He's still in the Royal Rumble.
 [Undertaker is staring back at an already-eliminated Batista, who he just hit with a steel chair]
 And Brock Lesnar...
 HEY!
 LESNAR! [Lesnar throws out Undertaker, winning the Rumble] And OH YES! BROCK LESNAR'S WON THE RUMBLE! BROCK LESNAR HAS ELIMINATED THE UNDERTAKER!
 Here is the winner of the Royal Rumble match, Brock Lesnar!
 Look at the Undertaker. Yeah, he got you. He got you, Undertaker.
 Brock Lesnar is now in the main event at WrestleMania! The Road to WrestleMania has begun here at the Royal Rumble!
 [Undertaker reenters the ring after Brock Lesnar's win] Wait a minute. What's gonna happen here?
 This could be another explosion.
 No, I think the Undertaker's saying...that's twice you got me. But next time you got a title, he wants a shot.
 if you become the Champion again, give me my opportunity. And Brock Lesnar will give the Undertaker that opportunity.
 Undertaker had delivered that chair shot on Batista, but he took his mind off Brock Lesnar, just for a split second.
 This is gonna kill Paul Heyman.
 Hey, Dudleys! What is it with you guys and championship matches? I mean, we whipped your ass at Armageddon, we kicked your asses all over Raw, we're about to beat your asses again tonight! I mean, you guys are the biggest three-time losers since the Philadelphia Eagles!
 Ladies and gentlemen, as both men were unable to answer at the count of ten, the referee has declared that Triple H is still the World Heavyweight Champion!
 Randy Orton needs to make hay while the sun is shining, so to speak.
 What the hell does that mean, JR? I'm from Brooklyn.
 [after Ernest "The Cat Miller is eliminated, having spent his entire stay dancing in the ring to "Somebody Call My Mama"] Good, enough of the dancing. I'm sick of the dancing.
 Well, we're back down to where we started. We'll continue the wrestling portion of the Royal Rumble match.
 Somebody better call his mama. Call him a taxi to the hotel.
 Cat's got plenty of time to call his mama.
 [as Cena notices Nunzio laying low by the barrier] I think Nunzio's tenure in the Witness Protection Program has just come to an abrupt end.
 [Benoit, on the apron, has a headlock on the Big Show] Benoit's a-holding, and holding, he's holding! [Benoit takes the Big Show off his feet and slowly, but surely, tips him over the top rope] The Big Show's teetering! The Big Show's teetering! Can Benoit--
 Oh my God! Oh my God! He's gonna go! JR!
 THE BIG SHOW-
 Can he do it? Hang on, Show!
 SHOW IS TEETERING!
 Hang on, Show!
 BENOIT'S HOLDING ON!
 [Benoit finally throws Big Show out, winning the Rumble] WOWWWWWWWWW!
 YES! BENOIT!!! BENOIT HAS DONE IT!
 Chris Benoit!
 Benoit's going to WrestleMania, JR, and he's getting a title shot.
 Chris Benoit, for over one hour of hell, has won the Royal Rumble match before 17,289 fans! And yes, Chris Benoit's dream to headline WrestleMania has come true!
 Chris Benoit has worked has ass off for 19 years, and the day has come!
 [Batista walks into the room to draw his number for the Royal Rumble]
 What the hell kind of championship match do you call that, where you have a hundred people interfering?
 What are you talking about? Like your World Championship match isn't gonna have a ton of interference. Everyone knows that Evolution's gonna get involved. Batista...you can even ask him; he can tell you that.
 Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do...
 [having drawn] I just came here to get my number.
 What I'm gonna do...
 What are you gonna do?
 Raw's Championship match—Evolution is banned from ringside.
 Really?
 Is that right?
 That's right, Batista, and my decision is final. The only question is, do you wanna tell Triple H, or would you like me to?
 [thinking about it, then smiling] No, I'll tell him.
 [to Eric, as Batista leaves] You know something? For once, you've done something right.
 If Amy looks good sober, can you imagine what she's gonna look like after this bottle?!
 What's gonna happen at No Way Out, you will face the man that you did not pin tonight—The Big Show.
 What's he gonna do, eat me? What's he gonna do? I don't care if he's from the Jurassic Age, the Triassic Age or the Chevy Classic Age; I'm gonna beat the Big Show like he's gonna eat a pizza!
 The Hurricane has passed through.
 Muhammad Hassan] Unfortunately, this man is from Raw.
 You proud of this guy, JR?
 I am not.
 You can keep him on Raw, I'll tell you that right now.
 I'll make you a trade.
 What the hell is Simon Dean doing?
 I have no idea. Your Raw guys are...I don't know what the hell they're doing playing games, with all respect.
 He's as goofy as a pet coon, I can tell you that right now. Look at him. He's warming up. He had all damn day to warm up! Get in the ring, you idiot! Mysterio taking out Eddie Guerrero face-first.
 [laughing] Dude's doing Hindu squats outside of the ring. [Edge eliminates Eddie Guerrero] Oh, damn it to Hell! You gotta be kidding.
 Eddie Guerrero eliminated. Edge eliminating Eddie Guerrero.
 That's your fault! That's Raw's fault, because this guy on the outside's doing squats and he distracted Guerrero!
 ...
 [as Simon Dean gets in the ring] I hope somebody eliminates Simon Dean, like, immediately. Right now.
 Me too.
 John Doan could've eliminated him for all I care!
 Jonathan Coachman] Tell me, JR, that he deserves to be in the Rumble.
 I can't.
 Well, look at the arms on him. Last time I saw arms like that, they were hanging out of a nest. Give me a break, this guy's not a superstar.
 Don't get mad at me about it, I didn't put him in.
 I'm mad at everybody!
 Bischoff put him in.
 That's true.
 Look at Coach taking his time. He's got...just so you know who he is, you ever wonder, just look at his ass—it's got "Coach" written all over it.
 [as Batista hoists Cena up] Can you say Batista Bomb?
 No, no, no!
 [Cena shifts his weight so Batista backs into the ropes, the momentum sending both over the top rope and onto the floor]
 My God, they both went out!
 Wait, I don't know what I want. [Both sets of referees debate] Wait, who touched first?
 [Jack Doan raises Batista's hand]
 Batista wins it!
 What?! No, wait a minute.
 Jack Doan is calling...Referee Jack Doan has raised Batista's hand. [Batista rolls back into the ring, followed by Cena and referee Jim Korderas] Both men went over the top rope, both men's feet obviously touched the floor.
 Wait, hold on, JR, I think...[Korderas raises Cena's hand] No, Cena won! [Back-and-forth, the Raw referees raise Batista's hand, and the SmackDown refs Cena's] No, no, no, no, no...
 Two Raw referees hold Batista's hand up...
 What the Hell?!?
 We've got a major malfunction in the junction here. We've got two winners of the Royal Rumble, or do we?
 Ladies and gentlemen, per order of the chairman, Mr. McMahon, he has ordered that this match be restarted!
 Batista from Raw overpowering John Cena...
 No, no, no, no [Batista throws Cena out, finally winning the Rumble] NO!
 Batista beats Cena! Batista, the exclamation point, is on the sentence!
 Batista!
 It was not without controversy, but by God, we know now who's going to the main event at WrestleMania, Tazz!
 [as the numbers are being mixed] You see the problem with the whole living in the fantasy world, talking about destiny. I live in reality.
 Reality, huh?
 Yeah, I live in reality world. Realities like...me beating you for a title, or realities of you not standing a chance tonight. I'm gonna win the Royal Rumble. Torrie, would you mind opening your box for me. [Torrie opens the bin and Triple H reaches in to draw a number. He pulls out a ball, Candice taps it with her wand.] Would you hold my ball? [Candice takes the empty ball and Triple H unfolds the paper containing the number] Kid, read 'em and weep.
 [Triple H looks and his jaw drops]
 [laughing] Whoa, bro. Reality? Let me tell you what your reality is—you're screwed. You are screwed, man; tough luck. I'll see you out there...or maybe not.
 Mickie James is obsessed with Trish. She's her #1 fan, she's obsessed with Trish, and time and time again she's attacked Ashley just because...well, for no reason, quite frankly. Just because when anyone gets near Trish, Mickie James goes crazy.
 Well, who wouldn't go crazy when you get near Trish?
 Oh, you know what I mean.
 I would love to be that striped shirt that Trish is wearing. Can you imagine being that close to Trish?
 I can usually read a woman like a book—I prefer the Braille edition—but Mickie James, I can't get a read on her at all.
 Rey Mysterio drew #2, looked up in the skies, the heavens, and said, "Eddie, you got me." Maybe Eddie just wanted to watch Rey for a long time tonight.
 [Randy Orton is about to throw Mysterio out]
 And this is a damn shame that Triple H had to end Rey Mysterio's hopes this way.
 Well, this just shows you how...
 Orton parading around with Mysterio. [Mysterio grasps the top rope] And Rey! Rey hanging on to the top rope!
 Rey hanging on for dear life here. [Suddenly Rey turns around, puts his legs between Orton's head...] Whoa, whoa!
 And Mysterio! [...and does a hurricanrana, throwing Orton out and winning the Rumble] HE DID IT! HE DID IT! HE DID IT! HE DID IT!
 No way!
 REY MYSTERIO DID IT!
 Rey Mysterio!
 REY MYSTERIO IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!
 Latino Heat is alive and well! Look at this!
 Rey Mysterio dedicated this match-up to Eddie Guerrero, he went for over an hour with the Eddie Guerrero logo on his wrestling tights, and Rey Mysterio has won the 2006 Royal Rumble match!
 Well, without a doubt the biggest win in Rey Mysterio's career, but it could lead to an even bigger win at WrestleMania.
 Was that a scream of joy from Melina?
 I haven't made a lot of women scream, so I can't tell you.
 It's been well-documented, JBL, that when Mr. Kennedy can target a body part, he will be relentless and rabid on the assault throughout the match-up, and that's what he's doing here.
 Just what I said. Just exactly what I said! I'm sitting out here with a damn parrot!
 Somebody call the San Antonio sheriff because Kennedy was robbed tonight!
 Kennedy wasn't robbed. He was beaten by a game champion, by the World Heavyweight Champion, the Animal Batista.
 No, he was beaten 'cause Nick Patrick had his head up his ass and laid down...ignored a World Championship count!
 I guess you didn't see the low blow.
 I saw the low blow! So what? You get hit in the mouth, you get hit low, that's what happens in World Championships! Kennedy, after a year of beating six World Champions, had a shot with the lights on bright, he danced his ass off, and he deserves to be walking out with that gold right now, going to WrestleMania!
 The hard thing about the Rumble—and you know this, King—is you're out there, you're tired, you're trying to eliminate people, and all of the sudden, someone fresh comes out there and comes after you.
 You guys know all about, being well, in Rumbles for a long time. JBL, you lasted 40 minutes in one Rumble; King, you lasted over 36 minutes in another.
 Yeah, but I hid for 30 minutes under the ring.
 Well, you stole the punchline from JBL.
 [on CM Punk] They say he doesn't drink, he doesn't do drugs; I call that boring, But that's okay, he's real talented.
 But he's a hell of an athlete...
 He's a great athlete. Obviously doesn't have much of a social life.
 King Booker claiming he never got his one-on-one rematch with Batista...
 "Claiming"?! He never got his one-on-one rematch! That guy right there got robbed of the World Championship. He should be the one fighting Batista, not having to come out here in the Royal Rumble, but what he has the opportunity to do—[as Booker eliminates Gregory Helms] Goodbye, Gregory Helms, see you later!—what he has the opportunity to do is add one more accolade to a Hall of Fame career!
 And the Hardys, who have a long history with Edge, going to work on Rated-RKO.
 Well, they stole all their girlfriends.
 [King Booker eliminates Kane, even though Kane already eliminated him] It's legal to bring a Singapore cane in there, it's legal to bring a chair in there, it's legal to come back in and you can do it!
 So...so, does that mean Kane's eliminated?
 Kane is eliminated, he's over the top rope, Kane is out!
 This is ridiculous!
 It's not ridiculous, it's fact, Michael! It is what it is!
 Jerry It's the Royal Rumble!
 Viscera]
 Uh-oh!
 Here comes Visagra.
 But I don't think he's bringing any love to the Royal Rumble.
 Booker and Kane are still going at it here at ringside! Booker incensed that the Big Red Machine eliminated him...
 How the hell could he not be incensed? He should have never had to been in the Royal Rumble anyway!
 Oh, come on, John, call the damn match!
 Takes a cheap shot at him and throws him out!
 That's part of the match and you know it!
 He should've had...he should not have had to been in the Royal Rumble, Michael! I'm begging you to be unbiased!
 Is there anybody in there capable of lifting Viscera over the top rope?
 Like I said before, seven men it took in Viscera's debut.
 I don't know how many men Viscera's gonna eat.
 JBL, did Michael Cole just compare Rob Van Dam to Gumby?
 I said he was Gumby-like.
 Disgusting. I deal with this every week.
 CM Punk is a popular young star. He's got a huge future ahead of him, whether he wins this Royal Rumble or not.
 Needs to start drinking though.
 Here comes Miz, at #29.
 Miz!
 Don't worry, King, I hate him too.
 And Miz... [The Great Khali picks Miz up and tosses him out of the ring, eliminating him] Well, he may have set a record.
 The Warlord had the record at three seconds—did Miz just beat it?
 [The Great Khali has eliminated seven men, and four lie in the ring] The power, the strength, who can stop the Great Khali?!
 Absolutely nobody.
 [as the buzzer sounds for entry #30] I'd have second thoughts about coming out...
 [Funeral bell sounds, meaning only one man...]
 Here we go!
 Maybe there is someone! Maybe there is someone! The legendary Phenom, the Undertaker!
 But nobody has come in at #30 and won the Royal Rumble ever.
 It's never happened, but Undertaker has faced, he has battled, he has taken out Khali before.
 The roof is about to blow off this place!
 It doesn't get any better than this!
 Throw some gasoline on the fire! My God, I love it!
 Who would believe that the 20th Royal Rumble, the most star-studded, is quite frankly the best of them all?!
 JBL, right now, who do you think? Who's got the most gas left in the tank?
 [as Shawn prepares to superkick the Undertaker] This is how Shawn Michaels eliminated Diesel! Here we go!
 Shawn Michaels eliminated Edge like that! [Undertaker catches him] Went for Sweet Chin Music! Got caught! [Undertaker picks him up, and throws him out, winning the Rumble] And Undertaker has eliminated Shawn Michaels! Undertaker is going to WrestleMania!
 Oh my gosh!
 The Undertaker!
 For the first time in his illustrious career, the Undertaker has won the Royal Rumble match!
 Going to WrestleMania, the main event. The Undertaker, 14-0 in WrestleMania!
 You wanna go to the top of the mountain? Get this tape and watch it over and over and over again because that is the best in the business and how they fight!
 (after Undertaker wins the Royal Rumble) Get ready, WrestleMania! The Deadman's coming!
 How would you like to share a subway car with Snitsky at about midnight?
 I wouldn't want to share a Subway sandwich with Snitsky at midnight.
 [Buzzer sounds for #30. The music plays and doors open for...]
 What?!
 Wait a minute. What the hell?!
 What is this?!
 IT'S JOHN CENA! JOHN CENA, #30!
 Oh my gosh!
 This is unbelievable!
 You gotta be kiddin' me!
 Oh, my God!
 Triple H's expression told the entire story!
 The roof is exploding off of Madison Square Garden! John Cena, the 30th entrant in the Royal Rumble match! And yes indeed, business just picked up!
 These men, somehow, someway, are able to stand, and it's the Game who rises first. [Triple H hoists John Cena on his shoulders and attempts to throw him out, but Cena holds on to the bottom rope] Cena! Cena now in a precarious position! Cena holding on to the top rope, but the Game, so strong, so powerful, with the heart and the soul to headline WrestleMania! [Cena gets off Triple H's shoulders and attempts to FU him] And Cena counters!
 Whoa! WHOA!
 But not for long, Cena countered! [Triple H attempts the Pedigree, but Cena counters and hoists Triple H on his shoulders] The counter... OH, A SHOW OF STRENGTH! [Cena FU's Triple H over the top rope, winning the Rumble]
 WHOA!
 CENA WITH A FU, AND CENA DOES IT!
 WHOA-OH-OH!
 Ladies and gentlemen, the 2008 Royal Rumble winner is JOHN CENA!
 When we started this historic night, the last man I thought that would headline WrestleMania would be John Cena because I didn't think John Cena was physically able to return to combat in the WWE! And, my, my, how wrong I was!
 Not only did John Cena return, he has prevailed! Unbelievable!
 [Both members of Cryme Tyme enter the arena]
 Which one's it gonna be? Big Shad or JTG?
 [as JTG pulls out a coin] There can only be one, they're gonna flip a coin. [JTG flips it, wins the toss, and goes to the ring] Is that a coin?
 What did you think it was, a tooth?
 No telling. Could be a license plate this guys made. [Shad picks up the coin and can't help but smile when he sees that...] It's a double-sided coin!
 JTG wins the toss and has elected to offend.
 It was a two-headed coin!
 In some of the pubs that Finlay frequents, this is the way they decide who picks up the tab.
 Something you usually don't ever do.
 [as Santino Marella, the #28 entry, charges to the ring] The king of the unibrow. No offense, King. [The very moment Santino enters the ring, Kane clotheslines him back out, eliminating him] OH!
 WHAT?!
 Good lord!
 I wasn't ready! I wasn't ready! No! I wasn't actually prepared! I'm going back in!
 [Most of the superstars stop fighting in the ring, amazed and/or surprised over Santino's elimination]
 That was a record! I think the Warlord's record may have been broken!
 Err.. No redos, Santino! [Kane laughs as the replay of the elimination is shown on screen] Ha!Ha!Ha! Let's see if we can time this in our heads. 1,001...one thousan...he didn't even last two seconds! About a second-and-a-half!
 So Santino may have gone in the record books, but not in the way he would've liked.
 [Triple H dumps Orton over the top, but he lands on the apron]
 There goes Orton!
 Orton's gon... Orton's not gone! [Triple H Pedigrees Cody Rhodes] What a Pedigree! A Pedigree to Rhodes! [ Ted DiBiase runs at Triple H, but Triple H sends DiBiase flying over the top rope to the floor, eliminating him] DiBiase's gone! We're down to three! We're down to three!
 [Triple H tosses Cody, eliminating him]
 There goes Rhodes! He's gone! Cody Rhodes is gone!
 [Orton, now back in the ring, dumps Triple H out of the ring, winning the Rumble]
 Triple H...is gone! ORTON DID IT!
 Randy Orton!
 Randy Orton from behind! Just as the Game had eliminated Cody Rhodes, Orton struck!
 The Game eliminated 2/3 of Legacy, but Randy Orton took advantage of opportunity to win the 2009 Royal Rumble! And you know what this means!
 [as Cody and Ted re-enter] It means that that man, Randy Orton, has a one-way ticket to the 25th Anniversary of WrestleMania. But he didn't do it alone—there's his help.
 ...
 The Game fought and fought and fought, tried to hang on, but it was too much. The odds were too much, and now Randy Orton's legacy is this—he is guaranteed a championship match at the 25th Anniversary of WrestleMania.
 [as Orton points to the WrestleMania sign] 48 minutes and 27 seconds it took Randy Orton to win this Royal Rumble.
 Randy Orton is going to WrestleMania to become a champion, to compete in the main event, and it's guaranteed.
 [after eliminating Evan Bourne and Dolph Ziggler, leaving him alone in the ring] Let me thank you all for joining me tonight in what will be the most historic moment my Straight Edge Society has ever seen. These are just the first of 29 other men that will be thrown over the top rope, or, if they have the courage that the WWE Universe lacks, they can be saved. [The clock counts down from ten seconds] But unfortunately, not everyone can win the Royal Rumble. Excuse me, it's clobberin' time.
 Who's the next sacrifice for Ben Grimm?
 [after Punk eliminates JTG] You know what the bad news there is, don't you? We're gonna have to listen to CM Punk again.
 No, nothing wrong with that.
 As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, not everybody can win the Royal Rumble match, just like not everyone can be saved. There are people here tonight that cannot, that will not ever have the reserve and dedication in their heart to follow in my footsteps. [The clock counts down again] Tonight I become the first ever straight edge Royal Rumble match winner.
 [Buzzer sounds; entrant #5 is the Great Khali]
 Oh boy! The Punjabi Playboy.
 Let's see if CM Punk can curry favor with the Great Khali.
 7'3", 420 pounds, making his fourth Rumble appearance.
 CM Punk looking at his Mary Magdalene, Serena. How is Punk going to deal with the Great Khali?
 Great Khali, Great Khali, Great Khali, I can save you. Great Khali, I can make you...I can make you greater! I can see the pain in your eyes—you need to be saved! Please, Great Khali, raise your right hand! [Great Khali raises his right hand] Do you accept straight edge into your life?
 [With his right hand, Khali chops Punk down]
 The straight edge chop.
 CM Punk was only trying to save the Great Khali, but...[Khali starts crushing Punk's head] All Khali has to do is pick Punk up and throw him over the top rope.
 The skull enveloped in those hands of Khali
 Who's gonna save CM right now?
 [as the clock counts down] Who will enter at #6?
 Could crush his head like a grape.
 [Buzzer sounds; entrant #6 is Beth Phoenix, who runs to the ring]
 That's Beth Phoenix.
 The Glamazon! Just the second woman in Rumble history.
 Are you serious?
 [as Phoenix stares into Khali's eyes] Every Superstar is eligible but...really? [Khali picks her up and places her over the top rope onto the apron, pointing her to go back] Khali's the Punjabi Playboy. Gentle.
 Chivalry is not dead.
 [Beth kisses Khali in a mad embrace, pulling him over the top]
 Why does Khali get all the good stuff?! [Phoenix pulls the Great Khali onto the floor, eliminating him, and gets back in the ring] Never trust a woman, look at that!
 Beth Phoenix has eliminated the Great Khali!
 CM Punk has so far eliminated four- well, three superstars and a diva.
 Ground control to Major John, this could be Starship Pain.
 Awaiting #20...
 [Shawn superkicks Triple H out of the ring, eliminating him]
 WOOOOOWWWWWW!!! [continues over]
 Sweet Chin Music!
 Oh my God!
 Shawn Michaels has eliminated Triple H! It is indeed every man for himself!
 #29 on his way.
 Who's gonna join these guys? [buzzer sounds; Jericho gives a shocked look as Edge's music plays.]
 HOLY–!!
 WHAT?!
 -R Superstar! The former World Champion!
 What?!
 [refering to the immense cheers of Edge's return] Listen to the ovation!
 It is thunderous in the Phillips Arena!
 After what many thought to be a career-threatening injury, Edge has returned!
 Look out, here comes Edge!
 [Edge clotheslines Michaels over the top rope, the momentum sending him over as well, with both landing on the apron.]
 Both hang on, both hang on. For a moment. But look at...teetering precariously on the apron. Oh, this is dangerous. This is dangerous for both of these men.
 [Michaels superkicks Edge over the top and back into the ring]
 Whoa! Back into the ring, though!
 Sweet Chin Music... [Batista attacks Michaels from behind, who still hangs on by one hand] Batista ambushing Michaels! [Batista knocks Michaels' hand away and Michaels falls to the floor, getting eliminated] NO!!!
 NO!!!
 Shawn Michaels eliminated.
 Hearts have been broken right now. Everyone wanted to see Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker, the rematch
 [as Michaels reenters the ring, referee Charles Robinson following him] What's he doing? He can't...
 Shawn Michaels has been eliminated.
 Get out! Get out! It's over, Shawn. Get out! All right? It's over. Get out.
 You don't understand!
 I can't help you! You went over the rope! What do you want me to do about it?! Let's go!
 [Michaels superkicks Charles and falls to the mat as referee Jack Doan implores him to leave.]
 Shawn, you gotta go. You gotta go.
 This match meant everything to Shawn Michaels. [An inconsolable Michaels leaves the ring and makes his way up the aisle] It's the one thing in Shawn Michaels' career that he's never achieved.
 That man, Batista.
 Let's not lose sight of what this night is about, though—the road to WrestleMania.
 Yeah, but I'm worried about Shawn here.
 GOD!!! Oh, you've gotta be kidding me!
 I can not help but feel for him. We are down to three, ladies and gentlemen; let's refocus on what's at hand.
 John Cena's been in the match the longest, over 25 minutes thus far. Batista, remember, entered at #30, Edge at #29.
 Well, HBK entered at #18, so he has to be in at least a minute longer than... [As he says this, Batista charges Cena, who grabs the top rope and pulls it down, sending Batista over to elimination] ...CENA! OH!
 Batista eliminated!
 John Cena, a little payback from 2005. John Cena has eliminated Batista. We are now down to two.
 [as Edge preps from the other side of the ring] Watch your back, John.
 [Edge runs to spear Cena...]
 Here it is. [...but Cena catches him with a knee] Look at him take advantage. Cena...saw it coming... [Cena charges Edge, but Edge steps aside and tosses him out of the ring, winning the Rumble] OH NO! EDGE HAS DONE IT! EDGE HAS DONE IT! EDGE IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!
 The Rated-R Superstar, Edge!
 Oh, my God! On this day, I see clearly. The Ultimate Opportunist, Edge, is going to WrestleMania!
 I cannot believe it, ladies and gentlemen. Edge wasn't supposed to be here. Edge wasn't supposed to be back in action for months, and he came from out of nowhere, and he entered at #29, and he eliminated John Cena, and he's won the Royal Rumble match!
 [on Vickie Guerrero] She looks like a can of strawberry soda with botulism. Look at that top.
 [as Edge is about to spear Dolph Ziggler while the referee and Vickie are out cold] He can't do this!
 Oh, yes he can!
 No, he can't! It's illegal!
 Remember, if a tree falls in the woods and no one's there to hear it, it never happened.
 [Edge spears Ziggler]
 Somebody had to see that! Ref, get up! Edge isn't hurt! Edge is acting, he deserves an Oscar nomination here! Come on, ref, you fool!
 [as the ref slowly gets up] This is great.
 How did the ref not see that?!
 What do you mean, "how did the referee not see that"? The ref was knocked down, Vickie Guerrero's knocked down.
 This is ridiculous! This is a travesty!
 Somebody wake Vickie Guerrero up. She definitely needs to see this.
 [Edge gives the Killswitch to Ziggler]
 Look at this! A little shout-out to his buddy!
 The cover. [The referee counts to three] You've gotta be kidding me!
 ...
 It's too damn bad the Oscar nominations came out last week, because this man would be a frontrunner for Best Actor!
 ...
 How many times had Vickie Guerrero slapped, punched, and done all those things to Edge? I don't think that Edge...I don't know how he kept his composure. But right here, he realized Vickie Guerrero was down; he looked over, he saw the referee down.
 But this is illegal! The spear is illegal!
 The cat's away, the mice will play. The teacher didn't see it, I didn't do it!
 Miz, you're just moments away from your title defense, however you requested this time to address the WWE Universe.
 Josh, my entire championship reign has been smeared with lies and accusations, from "if it wasn't for Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler would be Champion", "if it wasn't for Alex Riley, Randy Orton would be Champion." There is a reason why I'm a champion, and people like Randy Orton, Jerry Lawler, and even Tom Brady are not champions.
 The Miz can outbrawl Randy Orton, outwrestle him, outshine him, outsmart him, and outclass him. He's gonna beat Randy tonight, and he's gonna go on to WrestleMania the WWE Champion.
 As I told Randy Orton as I stood over his barely conscious body two weeks ago, I'm the Miz...and I'm awesome.
 The Miz does not even realize that he's won.
 It doesn't matter, he's still the WWE Champion. He's retained the WWE Championship.
 The Miz, fat lip and all, is asking the referee what happened. You gonna tell me, Cole, the Miz is gonna be a proud WWE Champion after that?
 He should be proud—he's still the WWE Champ.
 What's interesting about Daniel Bryan is that he spent twelve years honing his craft, toiling in the minor leagues; imagine what it would mean for Daniel Bryan to go to WrestleMania.
 Minor leagues???
 Yeah, before he came to the WWE, everything's the minor leagues.
 Well, for CM Punk, he's in the big time now. CM Punk, the three-time World Champion and about to go to school on this dork Daniel Bryan.
 Yeah, if what you is right, then CM Punk was in the minor leagues.
 Yeah, this is...a lot of the Internet loves this match-up right now.
 The Internet loves this, the Internet loves that. Who cares about the stupid Internet?!
 [Alternating chants]
 DANIEL BRYAN!
 CM PUNK!
 From Merrick, Long Island; cocky and brash, even "The Situation" finds this guy annoying—Zack Ryder.
 [On the Nexus working together and standing alone in the ring]
 Say what you want, this is not what the Royal Rumble is about.
 Why not?!
 The Royal Rumble is supposed to be about every man for himself.
 King, you would do this.
 No I would not.
 You would do this.
 Yeah, if I could find four or five suckers that would play along with it, I might.
 Just call up Mid-South.
 Not funny.
 [The buzzer sounds for #32. The sound of an engine turning over causes the crowd to roar and the action to stop.]
 Holy sh...!
 [A big truck horn sounds, perfectly timed to censor Striker]
 You've gotta be kidding me! Big Daddy Cool Diesel!
 WHAT?!
 Diesel's back! Diesel's here! 6'11", 311 pounds, from Detroit, Michigan!
 This is what it's all about! You never know who's gonna show up!
 The former WWE Champion...
 Look at the faces!
 Look at your face.
 King, who will ever forget in 1994 when Diesel entered the Rumble match and eliminated seven men! Nearly seven feet tall! Diesel's back!
 [unaware Riley was eliminated] Notice Alex Riley. Alex Riley is being very smart right now.
 Where is he?
 You win the Royal Rumble, you headline WrestleMania. You have a choice—which championship do you go after? Which match do you want to be in?
 You gotta win the Royal Rumble match first. One of these men looking to live their dreams...[Randy Orton eliminates Wade Barrett] Wade Barrett eliminated...
 [Alberto Del Rio gets Randy over the top rope...]
 Yes, do it! Do it!
 [...and out to the floor, seemingly winning the Rumble]
 YEAH!
 Del Rio! Del Rio! Del Rio! Del Rio does it!
 Vaya con dios, Alberto Del Rio!
 Cabas y caballeros, su ganador de Royal Rumble eras ALBERTOOO DEL RIIIOOO! (Ladies and gentlemen, your winner of the Royal Rumble is Alberto Del Rio!)
 Alberto Del Rio is going to WrestleMania!
 I can't believe it. I can assure you I would've never made this...[Mike Chioda talks with Alberto in the ring after Santino re-enters] whoa, wait a minute.
 Folks, remember, King, remember what you said earlier. Remember what you said earlier. Santino was never eliminated, remember? He never went over the top rope! He went underneath the bottom rope!
 Santino's still in this... [Alberto turns around and walks into Santino's Cobra]
 The Cobra! The Cobra! Oh my God! Oh my God! The biggest upset in Rumble history! This is gonna be the biggest upset in Rumble history!
 Throw him out, Santino! Throw him out!
 Santino is gonna go to WrestleMania! Oh my God, you gotta be kidding me!
 No, this is great!
 You gotta be kidding me!
 [Santino runs Alberto to the ropes, but Alberto reverse the run and sends Santino flying out of the ring, finally winning the Rumble]
 Del Rio!
 One more time! Alberto Del Rio is on his way to the main event at WrestleMania!
 [In the ring, Rodriguez is singing Del Rio's praises in Spanish]
 Viva Del Rio! Viva Del Rio!
 Can I press 1 for English?
 The thing is, Kane says Cena and, in turn, the WWE Universe not embracing hate is a cowardly act. And that's the words of Kane. They live lives filled with delusions, they all wanna cheer for John Cena or at least be a part of his life, or they wanna boo him. They want to live vicariously through Cena. That is a cowardly way out, in Kane's estimation.
 Well, if you're gonna try to make sense out of anything that Kane thinks, good luck.
 [after John Laurinaitis ejects Vickie Guerrero from ringside] Remember, CM Punk defeated Jack Swagger a couple of weeks ago. With that victory, it ensured that Swagger and Guerrero would not be at ringside for this match-up. Great move by Laurinaitis.
 I just think he's sucking up.
 Here we go, Punk roll-up, shoulders down, and a kick-out. Sucking up? He followed the rules, Booker. I mean, give the man some credit for once in your life. What, did you have an issue back in the day of WCW with Johnny? That's why you're all upset with this man? Because he was a better worker than you? Because he was a better wrestler than you?
 [clearly in disbelief] What? You gotta be kidding me.
 I mean, come on now. John Laurinaitis is...he's awesome!
 You're talking about a guy who has done nothing in this business, right?
 Who, John? He was a world champion in Japan. That's what he was.
 In Japan.
 Yes.
 In the world of Japan.
 Yeah, the world of Japan.
 John Laurinaitis right now... I know you say he's got a lot of things on his plate, a lot of things to take care and be concerned with, but he's got his phone out, he's texting out here.
 He just texted me to tell me what a wonderful job I'm doing tonight and how glad he is to have me calling the Rumble.
 [on Vickie Guerrero] She's quite enamored with Dolph Ziggler. Unfortunately, he's already found the love of his life; too bad he can't marry himself.
 [to Laurinaitis] Next GTS is for you, Clownshoes!
 Every Superstar backstage has been snickering at me all day. They think I'm actually bothered by the fact that I'm the #1 entry in the Royal Rumble match. They think it scares me. They think I'm intimidated by it. They think I don... they don't think I will make it to the end. But those are the same people, the same Superstars that told me I would never main-event WrestleMania, that I would never be in the main event, that I would never be in this ring a WWE Champion! Every time they have denied me, I have went above and beyond and proved them wrong, and tonight will be no different. I may be the first one out here, but I will be the last man standing, and I will go on to headline WrestleMania XXVIII because I'm the Miz, and I'm...awesome!
 [Buzzer sounds for entry #8. Alberto Del Rio's music plays]
 Hey, hey, hey, hey!
 What the hell?
 Alberto Del Rio's back! Alberto Del Rio, last year's Royal Rumble match winner, is back! [Car horn honks] Oh, this is gonna be awesome!
 [The car producing the horn drives out.]
 What is that?!
 What the hell? We got an old 280 Datsun? 280ZX?
 Hey, that's not Alberto Del Rio! Look!
 Worth about $600.
 [as the driver reveals himself to be...] Is that... is that Ricardo?!
 I don't know, but his back window is a Hefty bag.
 It's Del Rio's personal ring announcer Ricardo Rodriguez.
 And that's his car?!
 Well, yeah, you know, he's...never been champion.
 Wow, a vintage 1985 Datsun 280Z.
 Kofi in trouble from the top rope.
 He needs a little bit of help right now. Kofi needs a little help.
 [Buzzer sounds for entry #12. Jerry's music plays]
 Yes, he does, and you know what? What would a Royal Rumble be without a little royalty?!
 [as Jerry removes his headset and sweatshirt] You've gotta be kidding me! What are you doing?!
 You didn't tell me you was in it, King!
 [after Jerry drops a fist on the Miz] Vintage King right there, baby.
 Oh, now you're stealing my lines!
 No announcer should enter the Royal Rumble match.
 As we get ready for #17.
 Who's it gonna be?
 [Buzzer sounds. Booker T.'s music plays]
 WHAT?!
 NOW YOU?!?!?! YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME! NOW YOU?!
 Go get em, Booker! Go get em, sucka!
 Kofi still alive. Hands on the floor. Remember, both feet have to hit the floor. [Miz pushes Kofi's legs away] Oh, my God. Dangerous situation.
 [Kofi, now out of the ring, walks on his hands to the steps]
 Oh, look at this!
 Oh, my God.
 LOOK AT THIS!
 [as Kofi lands his feet on the steps, crawls backwards onto them, and reenters the ring] ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
 He saved himself!
 ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
 Kofi Kingston, what a move!
 That's gotta be the greatest thing I've ever seen!
 Who's gonna enter at #20? I think I know. I got a hunch. I got a hunch. [Buzzer sounds, Nickelback's "Burn It to the Ground" plays, and Michael Cole is revealed as #20. He immediately undresses, revealing his orange singlet] YES! YES! YES!
 Oh, tell me this is not so. Tell me that Michael Cole is not entering...
 What the hell you doing? You're not in the Rumble!
 Keep your pants on, nobody wants to see... just get in there!
 Look at Cole avoiding any contact with anybody.
 Look at his stomach. I mean, he looks like he's been eating donuts all month.
 That's the way he works out. [Buzzer sounds for #21] Somebody get in there and get him.
 Don't that just break your... [A cackle is heard and Michael Cole is instantly afraid] ohhhh....
 WHAT?! Wait a minute there, am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?
 [as #21, Kharma, walks to the ring] Aww, wait a minute!
 [laughing] Kharma!
 King, check this out. This is only the third time something like this has ever happened. Kharma is about to break somebody off a little something proper-like, dog!
 Oh, I hope she goes right after Cole!
 I hope she just eat him like a piece of chicken!
 Michael Cole is already crying, I see tears running down... [Kharma clotheslines Michael] Oh, yes! She knocked his headgear right off!
 She's looking at that boy like a chicken bone! She's fixing to eat!
 [Michael climbs over the ropes]
 Oh, look at Cole.
 King, come on.
 [As Michael begs Kharma to go easy on him, Jerry and Booker leave the table and take his legs out from under Michael, eliminating him]
 ...
 Cole, you okay?
 You guys just cost me my spot at WrestleMania! I was gonna win the thing!
 Trying to help you out, dog.
 I didn't wanna touch a woman, that was why I climbed over the top rope!
 [As Chris Jericho tries the Codebreaker on Sheamus, he gets caught and dumped over the top rope, but hangs on, avoiding the floor]
 No, they didn't hit. The referee's right there; his feet did not hit the floor. This match continues.
 [as Jericho gets back onto the ring] Once again, Jericho teeters and holds on for dear life.
 [Sheamus hits the Brogue Kick on Jericho]
 Oh, Brogue Kick!
 [Jericho falls to the floor, winning the Rumble for Sheamus]
 Oh my goodness!
 Sheamus is going to WrestleMania!
 Sheamus!
 Ladies and gentlemen, the Great White is gonna be on the prowl on South Beach! Sheamus is going to WrestleMania!
 They said we were dysfunctional, but we're still the Tag Team Champions!
 Still the Tag Team Champions!
 Excuse me. Excuse me! Daniel, Kane, as managing supervisor of Raw, I am happy to give you your entry numbers into the Royal Rumble match. [Hands over two sealed envelopes] Good luck.
 [She chuckles and leaves as Daniel and Kane open their envelopes. Kane looks at his and shrugs while Daniel points at his.]
 Interesting.
 Well?
 Well, what?
 Aren't...aren't you gonna show me?
 Show you what?
 Show me your number.
 Oh. Let me think about it for a second. No!
 "No"? What do you mean, "no"?! It's the rules!
 Trust me. You would feel very inadequate.
 Wh...what does that mean? Just show it to me!
 Daniel, it's bad strategy to reveal your number before a Royal Rumble match to anyone! See you out there, partner.
 Not if I see you first!
 [holding up envelope] Yeah, that's highly unlikely.
 I stand before you all alone in the spotlight, exactly where I belong. And tonight, when this Royal Rumble match comes to a close, it's gonna be exactly the same—me standing in the middle of this ring all by myself as the winner of the Royal Rumble match!
 Only twice in history has someone won from the #1 spot. Only twice in history...
 And I don't even care who #2 is, so just send him out already.
 Well, only twice in history has someone won from the #2 position. The question is, who will be the man to start the Rumble match against Dolph Ziggler?
 BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!
 Oh, my!
 [chanting] YOU'VE STILL GOT IT!
 I never lost it, baby!
 [on entry #9] It is the Harvard Law School graduate, David Otunga.
 All right! Jennifer Hudson's husband!
 Otunga entering his third Royal Rumble match. All three of us here at ringside have been part of the Royal Rumble match. John, you've actually been in five in your career; one year, you lasted nearly 36 minutes, as Otunga goes right after Goldust.
 You'd been in one, hadn't you, Michael?
 Yeah, last year, I lasted...
 How long did you last?
 Almost two minutes.
 Did anybody last less than you?
 Yes.
 Who?
 Jerry "The King" Lawler.
 How long did he last?
 Less than a minute.
 You lasted longer than Jerry Lawler?
 Yes.
 Wow. Did you beat him at WrestleMania too?
 Yes.
 Hey, listen. I've stopped listening, you can stop talking.
 Kofi just landed on Tensai's back! Kofi's still alive!
 Wait a minute, Kofi's not disqualified!
 No, Kofi's still alive. [Tensai puts Kofi Kingston on the Spanish announce table] Kofi didn't hit the floor. Tensai...they gotta get Tensai out of here.
 Jerry Now what's Kofi gonna do?
 Oh, he's in a predicated now because Kofi's not been eliminated. But how the hell can Kofi Kingston get back to the ring? It's impossible.
 He's like a bird when the world's on fire! Where do you land?! [Kingston is now standing on the table, considering jumping to the ring] What's he gonna do now?
 What did they use to do in Star Trek, teleport themselves? That's what Kofi'd better try to do here.
 Jump! Jump, Carl Lewis, jump for it!
 I don't think there's anybody that's gonna beam...
 He's gonna try! Jump for it!
 ...beam him all the way into the ring.
 [A few moments later...]
 [to JBL] The chair!
 For what?
 Come on, just give me your chair!
 Chair for what?
 Come on, just give him your chair. He wants it.
 [getting up] I gotta see this. I've gotta see this. [JBL hands his chair to Kingston] I gotta see this! I gotta see this! This is gonna be good! I don't know what he's gonna do!
 [A few more moments later...]
 Meanwhile, high drama, high drama building ringside.
 [as Kingston stands on the chair] This is unbelievable!
 Kofi's not been eliminated. Kingston is still alive.
 [Kofi starts jumping with the chair towards the ring]
 I love it!
 Look at the referees staring Kofi down.
 This is awesome! This is incredible!
 He's using the chair like a pogo stick!
 I get an assist!
 Kofi Kingston, give the assist to Bradshaw...
 [Kingston gets onto the ring apron and the referees give the safe signal]
 That's the craziest thing I've ever seen!
 I can't believe it!
 Kofi's safe.
 Kofi's still in the Rumble! Now give me my chair back!
 The Godfather, accompanied by two lovely ladies] From Vegas! He brought his Rat Pack!
 [Ryback carries John Cena, who escapes and pushes Ryback...]
 Oh, whoa-whoa-whoa...
 [...over the top rope to the floor, winning the Rumble]
 Ryback eliminated!
 HE'S GONE! HE'S GONE!
 John Cena is going to WrestleMania!
 John Cena!
 John Cena has done it!
 The 10-time WWE Champion is going back to the dance, to the main stage, to the grandest of them all, WrestleMania!
 John Cena has made history tonight. John Cena becomes only the fourth man to win two Royal Rumble matches.
 [John points to the WrestleMania logo and the fireworks go off]
 There was Austin, there was Shawn Michaels, there was Hogan, and now there's Cena!
 I think we are gonna see the most electrifying move in all of sports!
 Look at the people! Look at the people!
 That's because it's the People's Elbow!
 [Just before The Rock can hit the Elbow, the entire arena goes dark. The following is unseen]
 What's happening?
 What the... who the hell?! Wait a minute! Someone's destroying our announce table! Who the hell is that?! They're attacking Rock! Holy cow, King! King, look at who that is! Oh, my God, it's The Shield!
 No!
 The Shield! The Shield! That was The Shield! And they just triple-powerbombed Rock through the table! [The lights come back on, revealing The Rock laid out on the dismantled announce table, CM Punk lying in the ring] Ladies and gentlemen, th...King, that was The Shield!
 The referee didn't see it! The referee doesn't see it! He has no idea The Shield did that! He's got no idea!
 [referee Mike] Chioda, that was The Shield!
 Shut up, you stooge!
 I think they did something to the referee too! I think The Shield did something to the referee!
 It was The Shield! The Shield was out here, Punk, and put the guy through the table!
 Who?
 The Shield, that's who!
 I have nothing to do with The Shield!
 Day 435 will be tomorrow for CM Punk! Admit it now, Michael! He's the best in the world!
 CM Punk!
 This is absolutely horrendous!
 It's all fair, Michael, in love and war! CM Punk is the best in the world! Now would you please acknowledge...
 No, we're gonna acknowledge it.
 How is that fair?! We watched The Shield, three feet away from us, walk out here and triple-bomb The Rock through a table!
 Michael, I saw the exact same thing you saw! Michael Chioda, the referee, didn't see it! CM Punk is about to leave the Royal Rumble Champion!
 So you're saying it's not cheating if you don't get caught.
 That is ex...oh, you're one to talk, King!
 Seems to me that, CM Punk, your celebration is over! I told you if The Shield got involved in your match-up, we would strip you of the Championship!
 Yeah! Yeah!
 Oh, I know! I know, technically, we couldn't see The Shield involved, right? So that means we're all stupid, it wasn't The Shield? CM Punk, it is my duty as Chairman of the Board...
 Oh boy. Yeah!
 Oh, shut up, cheerleader.
 Oh boy!
 ...to officially...
 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We ain't ending this night like that. You don't take it from him. I am. Restart the match now!
 This match is over!
 [after a few moments of deliberation] You heard the man, restart the match!
 That's why The Rock's the People's Champion! Give the people what they want! Give them a conclusion!
 This is vintage Rock!
 Here it comes! Another People's Elbow! [Rock hits the Elbow on Punk] Yes!
 What do you gotta do to beat this guy?!
 Cover, hook of the leg. [Chioda counts to three] THE ROCK HAS DONE IT! THE ROCK HAS DONE IT! THE ROCK HAS DONE IT!
 [over Cole] You're kidding me! You're kidding me!
 The Rock!
 The ten-year wait is over!
 Unbelievable!
 The Rock is again People's Champion!
 Ten years, just like Muhammad Ali came back and won the World Championship, The Rock, the Great One!
 [on Bray Wyatt's backwards crab walk] This freak needs an exorcist.
 Yeah. Linda Blair.
 She was not the Exorcist.
 No, she was the one that needed to be exorcised. That was so long ago, I don't think anyone remembers. That was, like, the early 70s.
 [chant during the Bryan-Wyatt match] THIS IS AWESOME!
 Randy, tonight you put your championship on the line against John Cena. I mean, this is a man that is...
 This is a man, Renee, that I've beaten. But you already know that, everybody knows that. But after tonight, when I beat him again, John Cena goes to the back of the line.
 That's actually an interesting choice of words, Randy, 'cause right now, it seems that there's quite a line formed to challenge you for your championship. Brock Lesnar's made it clear that he wants to come after your championship; Batista now back in WWE after being gone for four years, he wants a shot at your championship. If you retain your title tonight, the winner of the Royal Rumble will go on to face you at WrestleMania. And now with Bray Wyatt fresh off of his victory over Daniel Bryan, he's now thrown his hat into the ring.
 Renee, Renee, when you're on top of the mountain, people are gonna want a shot. That's just how this business works, that's why that line is forming. But no one's gonna touch me. See, Brock Lesnar, Dave Batista, they're good, but they're not great...like me. Bray Wyatt? I mean, he's a Duck Dynasty reject, for God's sakes. He's definitely not "face of the WWE" material, like me. I'm the true face, the one and only face. It's not Brock, Batista, CM Punk or Daniel Bryan, and it certainly isn't that deranged hillbilly who sits in a rocking chair every once in a while. No, and I'm gonna make sure tonight that once and for all, everyone knows that it is definitely not John Cena either.
 [Chants during the Cena-Orton match]
 DANIEL BRYAN!
 RANDY SAVAGE!
 Y2J!
 YOU BOTH SUCK!
 THIS IS AWFUL!
 WE WANT DIVAS!
 [after the Wyatt Family's interference costs Cena the match] THANK YOU, WYATT!
 Behold the creators of the new world!
 Kofi Kingston on the barricade. Kofi Kingston went over the top rope, guys, but remember he's not been eliminated.
 That's right, Kofi Kingston's still in it.
 Kofi Kingston has been a highlight reel of spectacular moves in the past...
 Guys, guys, come on, he's a mile away from the ring.
 He is that.
 I know he's not out, but he might as well be.
 Last year, he borrowed my chair.
 [Kofi Kingston walks back on the barricade]
 What is Kofi gonna do here?
 He'll do what he can do. What's he trying to do?
 I don't think he can fly.
 He can't fly. This is impossible.
 Kofi King...
 [Kingston runs on the barricade and leaps onto the ring and re-enters]
 YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!
 WHAT?!
 Kofi Kingston just turned into Bob Beamon!
 He's hopped on chairs, he's walked on his hands, he's used a human bridge.
 Unbelievable!
 [cont'd] He's leaped from the barricade to the ring. He's the Royal Rumble Highlight Reel!
 Guys, I just said he can't fly, but I believe he can.
 [after the buzzer sounds for entry #20] Los Matadores! Which one, though?
 Diego and Fernando. And of course, [El Torito charges through their capes] they brought the bull. [El Torito charges to the ring] Hey, wait a minute! El Torito is in the Rumble?!
 I think he is!
 [after Fandango nails El Torito in the head] PETA's gonna be upset about that. You can't abuse a bull. I hear Mantaur's his grandfather.
 JBL, you seem to know all your Royal Rumble facts. Has somebody won from every position of entering?
 No, they haven't. #6, #7, #9, #10, there's a few spots that nobody has won.
 You have way too much time on your hands.
 It's called research, guys. It's what I do.
 He knows Willie Nelson's middle name.
 [after all participants had entered the Rumble] DANIEL BRYAN!
 It's a Roman Reigns moment. Is it his night? [Reigns flings Batista, but Batista reverses and tosses Reigns out, winning the Rumble] Roman Reigns eliminated! Batista's going to WrestleMania!
 Batista!
 Batista is going to headline WrestleMania XXX for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship!
 What a showing, though, by Roman Reigns. 13 Superstars eliminated by that one man.
 Bubba Ray Dudley] OH MY!
 WHAT?! Oh, you've gotta be kidding me!
 Welcome home to Philly!
 [when Bray Wyatt and Luke Harper team up on Bubba Ray] WE WANT D-VON!
 [after Daniel Bryan's somewhat early elimination] DANIEL BRYAN!
 [having eliminated four people] Open invitation! Everyone in the back, I hope you got the message! This is Bray Wyatt's year!
 [as Bray Wyatt stands alone] Remember, Roman Reigns set the record last year—12 eliminations in a single Rumble.
 [over Cole] Not a damn one of you's takin' it! Not a damn one of you's takin' it!
 [cont'd] Bray Wyatt is at five.
 All of you left, let's keep this Rumble going!
 #10 will soon be on his way. What a performance so far, guys, by Bray Wyatt.
 Just waiting.
 It's only gonna take me about half a minute!
 [on Daniel Bryan] Chinese calendar says 2015 is the year of the goat; we're about to find out if that's true!
 Adam Rose, accompanied by his Rosebuds] First Royal Rumble. Three people had a 100% success rate in the Royal Rumble—Brock Lesnar, Big John Studd, and Mr. McMahon.
 [As he says this, Rusev throws Kofi Kingston out of the ring over Adam's head, but Kingston is caught by the Rosebuds]
 Lookit!
 [as the Rosebuds carry Kingston around the corner] But Kofi's not on the ground. Kofi's not on the ground.
 Thrown all the way over the top rope, [Rusev flings Rose into the ring] but caught by the Rosebuds.
 Both feet have to hit the floor, [The Rosebuds prop Kingston onto the ring, then make their way back] and Kofi Kingston...
 Those idiot Rosebuds! How stupid can they possibly be?!
 [As he says this, Rusev eliminates Rose on the same side as Kingston, who rolls back in]
 Adam Rose eliminated by Rusev!
 And no Rosebuds to catch him!
 Where were the Rosebuds?! Where did they go?! What a bunch of goofs. You can't trust a guy that dresses up like a hot dog!
 [furious, pissed off and frustrated, when Big Show, Kane, and Roman are alone in the ring] BULLSHIT!
 [hearing the negative chant reaction from the fans] WWE fans, of course, not happy with the elimination of the, the likes of Daniel Bryan and Dean Ambrose, Dolph Ziggler here tonight, after the absolute dominance here in the last few minutes by Big Show and Kane.
 [As Kane and Big Show try to eliminate Roman]
 Like you said, Michael, what's gonna happen between Kane and Big Show when they get rid of Roman Reigns? [Big Show tries to push Kane out with Roman] There's what's gonna happen! Look!
 [Kane elbows Big Show, then confronts him]
 Big Show, I think...I think he was trying to keep Kane in the match.
 I don't think so. I think he was trying to eliminate Kane and Roman Reigns at the same time.
 [Kane and Big Show start trading blows]
 That's what Kane believes.
 Here they go!
 Haymakers landed by these two massive men. [Both grab each other by the neck near the ropes] This is a test of wills right here.
 [Roman picks up both men's feet...]
 Hey, Roman Reigns! Roman Reigns!
 He's got 'em! Can he do it?!
 [...and pushes both over and out of the ring, seemingly winning the Rumble]
 Eliminates both men! Eliminates Big Show and Kane! Roman Reigns!
 Roman Reigns has won the Royal Rumble!
 Roman Reigns is headed to WrestleMania!
 [As Rusev, who'd been out of the ring for a little over nine minutes, re-enters]
 Guys, guys, guys, Rusev's in this! Spear! Looking back, Rusev was never eliminated!
 WHAT?!
 Rusev is still in this match! Rusev entered at #15, and looking back at my notes...
 I thought he was gone!
 No, Rusev was never eliminated!
 Well, wait a minute!
 [Roman tosses Rusev out, finally winning the Rumble]
 But now he is! Roman Reigns is going to WrestleMania!
 Roman Reigns!
 We have witnessed the advent of Roman Reigns! Last year, he tasted it as runner-up; this year, he wins it!
 [on Brock Lesnar watching in the locker room] That's the prize that awaits Roman Reigns—Brock Lesnar.
 [Buzzer sounds for entry #3. An unfamiliar theme plays and the crowd erupts at the entrance of...]
 Is it? Can it be?!
 It is!
 The Phenomenal One is here! AJ Styles!
 Oh my God!
 It has been rumored for weeks that the hottest free agent in sports entertainment was heading to WWE! Styles is here!
 Former IWGP Champion, same as Brock Lesnar!
 An 18-year veteran, a mastermind of offensive innovation.
 A star around the world. Roman Reigns realizes what he faces now.
 And entering at #12 is R-Truth. R-Truth's eighth Royal Rumble Match.
 I'm just happy he knew what day the Royal Rumble was on.
 [Once R-Truth gets to the ring, he pulls a ladder out from underneath and pushes it in]
 What is he doing? [R-Truth sets the ladder up in the ring] John, do you have any idea what he's doing?
 I know what he's doing, Michael; I don't know why. He's...putting the ladder in the ring, but I don't know why.
 [R-Truth climbs the ladder as everyone else in the ring stops to look at him.]
 Wait, wait, wait a minute. No, no, no, no, no. [R-Truth reaches the top of the ladder and looks up to find nothing there.] I think R-Truth thinks this is a ladder match for the Championship.
 That young man is not all there.
 I think he was expecting the WWE World Title to be hung above the ring, and he'd climb the ladder to grab it.
 [Kane pulls R-Truth down]
 That's the wrong event.
 [during this, Kane grabs R-Truth by the neck, and pushes to eliminate him] Either that or the briefcase, maybe he thought it was the Money in the Bank Ladder Match, and he's eliminated by Kane.
 [to AJ Styles, before eliminating him] Welcome to the WWE!
 [Sheamus is about to hit a second Brogue Kick on Dean Ambrose, but Ambrose ducks in the nick of time]
 Sheamus missed; got hung up on the top rope! Sheamus barely hanging on. [Suddenly, Roman Reigns charges from behind and hits the Superman Punch on Sheamus. The momentum carries Sheamus over the top rope and eliminates him] SUPERMAN PUNCH! Sweet, sweet revenge!
 [While Reigns' back is turned, Triple H (who entered at #30) dumps him over the top rope...] Whoa, wait a...
 [...and eliminates him] ROMAN REIGNS ELIMINATED!
 Oh my gosh. [Triple H performs the "DX Chop" in celebration]
 Roman Reigns is no longer champion! We are guaranteed to have a new WWE World Heavyweight Champion, and it's going to be Triple H or Dean Ambrose! The Authority and Mr. McMahon finally did it!
 Ambrose... [Dean Ambrose throws Triple H over the top rope] Triple H OVER THE TOP ROPE! AMBROSE'S GONNA DO IT! [But Triple H hangs on to the rope] AMBROSE'S GONNA DO IT!
 Wait, he hung on! He hung on!
 [Ambrose spears Triple H, but Triple H retains his grip on the rope] Triple H still hanging on! [Ambrose charges again] Is this gonna be it?!?
 Here we go! [Triple H sticks his knee out, and Ambrose runs into it]
 Triple H caught him with a knee to the face! How the hell is Triple H still in this match? [While Ambrose is stunned, Triple H takes Ambrose over the top rope]
 Oh... oh... [Triple H eliminates Ambrose, winning the Rumble and the WWE World Heavyweight Championship]
 AMBROSE ELIMINATED! TRIPLE H IS A 14-TIME WWE CHAMPION!
 Triple H!
 Triple H is a 14-time WWE World Heavyweight Champion! Triple H will main event WrestleMania!
 I can't believe what I'm seeing right now!
 [Stephanie McMahon enters the ring and embraces Triple H, while Mr. McMahon stands on the apron] And Stephanie McMahon in the ring celebrating with her husband, as is Mr. McMahon.
 What a great night for the Authority!
 What an incredible Royal Rumble match!
 [after Sami Zayn asks to have his number read to him] 8. Sorry, I was holding it upside-down. [Turns the slip over] 8.
 My name is Enzo Amore, and I am a certified G and a bona fide stud, and you can't teach that! And this right here?! This is Big Cass, and he's...
 [continuing] ...seven foot tall, and you can't teach that!
 And he is the #1 entry in the Royal Rumble Match, and you can't teach that! Bada boom, realest guys in the room! How you doin'!
 If it were up to me, Enzo would be searching for Pee Wee Herman's bike in the basement of the Alamo right now.
 [singing with crowd] The stars at night are big and bright deep in the heart...
 ..of Texas!
 And there ain't no two stars shining brighter tonight than your boys Enzo and Big Cass! San Antonio, how you doin'!
 King, I've had root canals I've enjoyed more than this.
 Cass, I've got a question for you.
 What's that, Zo?
 Pretty much common knowledge, I think. What is it that they say about Texas?
 everything is bigger in Texas!
 You're darn skippy, Cass! Because tonight is the biggest Royal Rumble Match of all time, and it has some of the biggest names in the history of the Royal Rumble!
 What kinda names we talking here, Zo?
 [crowd shouts "how you doin'" after each name] Brock Lesnar, Braun Strowman, the Big Show, Goldberg, the Wyatt Family, the Undertaker. But I'll tell you what. None of that matters, 'cause Big Cass is entering this ring #1 like it's 1995 and he is HBK in his prime!
 It doesn't matter if you're #2 or #30, 'cause the fact of the matter is this. When the dust settles, I will be the LAST man standing in that ring right there! Because I am winning the Royal Rumble Match, and I am going on to main-event WrestleMania.
 Sounds pretty confident. Would that be your worst nightmare, Corey?
 Yes.
 And as for the 29 other men in this match, I will prove that there's only [crowd joins in] ONE WORD to describe you, and I'm gonna spell it out for ya! S-A-W-F-T!
 SAWFT!
 Every time I see Braun Strowman, I wonder where he parked his blue ox.
 James Ellsworth]
 Wait a minute.
 Well, I guess the WWE Universe has spoken. James Ellsworth has been all over social media lobbying for a spot in this match-up. And there's, I guess, his new girlfriend, Corey? Carmella?
 Carmella's the best possible thing that could've happened to Ellsworth. Ellsworth's career has skyrocketed since these two came together.
 This guy's a total waste of skin. How on Earth did he get a place in the Royal Rumble?
 King, James Ellsworth has taken AJ Styles to the limit on multiple occasions.
 You just like him because you two obviously share the same barber.
 Zayn with a big Helluva Kick!
 Caught him right in the jaw.
 And now Corbin... [Baron Corbin clotheslines Braun Strowman out of the ring, eliminating him] ELIMINATES STROWMAN! CORBIN ELIMINATES STROWMAN! CORBIN ELIMINATES STROWMAN!
 how do you stop Braun Strowman? You do it with a Lone Wolf!
 [Brock Lesnar has beaten down everybody as the clock ticks down]
 #27, the luckiest number in the field. Four winners over the years from this spot. Who has it?
 [Buzzer sounds. Enzo Amore and Big Cass's music plays]
 Wait a minute, King.
 What?
 I think I know what this means.
 Yeah, Corey, you could get your wish.
 Oh, my God, this may be the greatest moment of my life. [Entry #27, Enzo Amore, enters] This idiot, Enzo Amore, is gonna have to go face-to-face with the Beast Incarnate, Brock Lesnar.
 This poor schmuck, just turn around and go back to the locker room.
 Keep running, Enzo. Keep running straight ahead into the storm. I am begging you, Enzo.
 Lesnar with a big smirk on his face.
 Put your shirt back on and go back home, Enzo.
 Or just use it as a blindfold because you're about to be in front of a firing squad.
 [Enzo runs at Lensar, who clotheslines him]
 Lesnar turned Enzo inside-out.
 Oh. He's history already. That didn't take long.
 [Lensar nonchalantly tosses Enzo out of the ring, eliminating him]
 Enzo eliminated by Brock Lesnar.
 We are down to Reigns and Orton!
 Reigns is gonna do it!
 Will Roman Reigns win the Rumble match for the second time in three years?
 I knew it all along. Roman Reigns is gonna...
 [As Roman Reigns runs to spear Randy Orton, Orton catches him in the RKO]
 RKO! RKO by Randy Orton! [As Reigns gets to his feet, Orton clotheslines him out of the ring, winning the Rumble] Randy Orton wins the Rumble! Randy Orton's going to WrestleMania!
 I was right!
 Randy Orton!
 The Viper strikes WrestleMania paydirt!
 This is a Randy Orton rebirth! Amazing!
 Randy Orton becomes the seventh man to win two or more Rumbles. Randy Orton's won his second Rumble in eight years.
 [on the #11 entry, Sheamus] Representing The Bar, they have a Tag Team Championship opportunity later tonight, but it's the Celtic Warrior, Sheamus. Guys, back in 2012, Sheamus won the Royal Rumble Match.
 Oh, not again, Heath.
 [Sheamus tosses Heath Slater, who has been unable to enter the match in 11 minutes, into the ring]
 There, you got in the ring, Heath. He's in the ring. [The very moment Sheamus enters and stands upright, Heath clotheslines him out of the ring, eliminating him] AAHHH!
 Oh, no!
 Oh, my God! Slater eliminated Sheamus on Sheamus's birthday! Tonight is Sheamus's birthday, and he was eliminated by Slater!
 Sheamus's birthday's on Rusev Day?!
 That's the worst present ever. I can't believe it.
 [Roman Reigns has Shinsuke Nakamura on his shoulders and is attempting to eliminate him]
 Roman Reigns trying to power Shinsuke over the top. [Nakamura escapes Reigns' grasp and bounces off the ropes, missing a clothesline in the process] Reigns...
 [Nakamura slides and hits a Kinshasa on Reigns] Oh, no!
 OH MY GOD!
 Shinsuke connects, right in the face!
 Oh, no! No, Roman!
 And now Shinsuke Nakamura...
 Oh wait, he got him!
 No no no no no no, wait! ACK!
 [Nakamura throws Reigns out, winning the Rumble] ...ELIMINATES ROMAN REIGNS! SHINSUKE NAKAMURA IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!
 I called it! I called it!
 Shinsuke Nakamura!
 Guys, Shinsuke Nakamura lasted almost 45 minutes in this match to pick up the victory in his Royal Rumble match debut tonight!
 As much as Nakamura has accomplished in his storied career around the world, there is nobody that gets in this industry that doesn't dream of doing it at WrestleMania. Congratulations to the King of Strong Style!
 2 years ago to the month, Shinsuke Nakamura signed his WWE contract, and now Shinsuke Nakamura is headed to WrestleMania!
 So, Shinsuke, you've now won the right to face the champion of your choosing. So have you made a decision?
 [Shinsuke pauses as the audience chant their choice]
 A...J...STYLES!!!
 YES!
 Corey, it is gonna happen. The match that the WWE Universe has wanted is gonna happen.
 I could not be more excited for WrestleMania! Get me to New Orleans already! Nakamura and Styles for the WWE Championship!
 The dream match, ladies and gentlemen, is going to come true.
 the exact time that Shinsuke Nakamura lasted in the Royal Rumble. And yes indeed, Shin, you're going to WrestleMania.
 Boy, this has essentially become a singles match at this point. [Nikki Bella puts Asuka on her shoulders and prepares to throw her out] There's only one task left, and that's to throw your opponent over the top rope, which Nikki's about to do.
 Asuka may be eliminated!
 There she goes! There she goes!
 [Bella takes Asuka over the top rope, but Asuka holds the top rope for dear life] Nikki Bella, with Asuka hanging on to the top rope, out to the apron!
 She's still hanging on!
 Asuka still barely in this match.
 [Asuka stands up. Bella strikes Asuka, but Asuka continues to hold the ropes] OOH!
 Nikki Bella again with a strong shot to the face, but Asuka lands on the apron!
 I don't know how Asuka's hanging on, but she sure is. At least for now!
 Disbelief on the face of Nikki.
 [Bella charges at Asuka] Nikki Bella looking to use all of her momentum...
 Here comes Nikki!
 [Bella runs into Asuka's boot] ...Asuka caught her with a kick!
 [Asuka uses her foot to grab Bella by the neck, and then attempts to take Bella over the top rope] Uh-oh. Uh-oh!
 And look at Asuka!
 What is...
 ...What?
 Asuka trying to eliminate Nikki in one of the most unique ways we've ever seen!
 Oh my gosh! [Bella goes over the top rope, but falls to the apron] OH!
 Nikki Bella to the apron! [Asuka loses her grip on the top rope and hits the apron] Asuka to the apron!
 OH! Asuka almost fell!
 Both women teetering on the side of the ring, just feet away from defeat.
 [Bella gets up, and Asuka struggles to do the same] High stakes, high pressure! Asuka and Nikki Bella both on the apron. [Bella roundhouses Asuka, who falls back onto the apron] Both of them went over the top rope! Asuka floored! [Asuka kicks Bella's legs out from under her, sending her careening to the floor and winning the Rumble] ASUKA ELIMINATES NIKKI BELLA!
 OH! ASUKA DID IT! [applauds Asuka]
 ASUKA'S GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!
 Unbelievable!
 [As he says this, the camera pans toward Raw Women's Champion Alexa Bliss and SmackDown Women's Champion Charlotte Flair, both sitting across from each other near the announcer's table] I knew it! I called it from the start! There was never any doubt! No one was ready for Asuka!
 Asuka is a history-maker! Asuka is going to WrestleMania!
 Smart strategy by Banks, staying in close quarters with Ronda. I was questioning, I didn't know if that would be a great decision. Sasha's done it very, very well up to this point.
 Wow, an accolade from Graves! I appreciate that.
 I've never questioned Sasha Banks's talent or her abilities; I question her ability as a human being.
 Tonight, y'all will witness history. My name is Lacey Evans, and I am the one and only true lady of WWE. And I am here to clean up this entire women's division.
 Lacey Evans just soaking it in.
 Natalya] You don't get these moments very often, Tom, but now, Beth, your girl!
 I hope Lacey enjoyed it while she had it.
 [on Corey as entry #3, Mandy Rose, enters] Look at the smile.
 I'm so glad you're sitting next to him, Beth, and not me.
 We are in the desert, but this is no oasis, it is real life! It is God's greatest creation, and the Royal Rumble Match just got downright amazing!
 Do you ever talk to Mandy Rose in person, or do you just talk about her from here?
 Listen, I get a little nervous, I sweat a lot, my tongue feels...swollen, I don't know.
 Mandy Rose is still in the ring.
 Nobody asked, Graves, but thanks.
 [on entry #14, Kairi Sane] Do the same rules apply about running with a telescope as they do with scissors?
 [as Naomi, in danger of elimination, walks the barrier] This is incredible. Never mind the fact that I'm disconsolate because Mandy Rose got eliminated, Naomi still hasn't been. [Naomi wobbles a little] This is nuts.
 Again, both feet have not touched the floor, Naomi is still technically not eliminated.
 I don't trust that guy with the red beard, he's probably gonna try and trip her.
 I feel like I should hold my breath.
 [as Naomi eyes the ring steps] There is no way, that is way too far.
 [Naomi leaps onto the steps]
 Heck of a long jump for Naomi. Hey, wait a minute... [Mandy Rose yanks her down, eliminating her] Mandy Rose still eliminates Naomi!
 That was magnificent!
 Naomi's gonna beat her in the parking lot afterwards.
 Hey, calm down over there! That was wonderful!
 [on the mask and claws of entry #20, Zelina Vega] I've played Street Fighter a bunch of times, and I never remembered that Vega looking this good.
 [As Charlotte Flair, who has been attacking an injured Becky Lynch (replacing Lana) for several minutes, prepares to charge at Lynch, who has to use the ropes to get up] The Queen has become fixated on the injured leg of Becky Lynch, and the Man can barely stand.
 Charlotte Flair getting methodical, not giving any opportunities to Becky Lynch. She's measuring her.
 [Flair charges at Lynch with a kick, but Lynch ducks and sends Flair over the top rope] Oh, Charlotte Flair... [Flair lands on the apron] Charlotte Flair sent over the top! Sent over the top!
 [Lynch clotheslines Flair] OH!
 Charlotte Flair...
 [Flair falls to the floor, winning Lynch the Rumble] OH!
 CHARLOTTE FLAIR'S BEEN ELIMINATED! BECKY LYNCH IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!
 Becky Lynch!
 BECKY DID IT! BECKY DID IT! MAN, OH MAN!
 [A nearly-eliminated Braun Strowman has just delivered a chokeslam to Seth Rollins and is about to throw Rollins out]
 Much like Strowman did at the Greatest Royal Rumble, looking to dominate again here tonight and eliminate Seth Rollins, and get the matchup and the champion of his choice at WrestleMania.
 Brock Lesnar or Daniel Bryan? [Strowman dumps Rollins over the top rope, but Rollins stands up on the apron, and headlocks Strowman]
 Oh, oh... W-w-w-w-w-w-w-wait! Wait! Wait!
 And now Seth Rollins, now trying to eliminate Strowman! Strowman in trouble; top rope! Rollins trying to wrestle him down to the floor!
 Rollins has a death grip on his head!
 [Rollins takes Strowman over the top rope, onto the apron] Strowman trying to hang on; both men are on the apron of the ring!
 Ohh… [Rollins, still with a headlock on Strowman, is overpowered by Strowman who lifts Rollins onto his shoulders]
 And again, the power of Strowman. Look at Strowman! [Rollins slips out] Rollins, though...
 [Rollins pushes Strowman into the steel post] Whoa!
 Posting Strowman! Strowman still on the apron.
 [Rollins superkicks Strowman in the gut, taking Strowman down] Oh!
 Rollins to the midsection!
 One foot.
 Strowman still staying alive! Rollins...
 [Rollins Curb Stomps Strowman] OH! ACK!
 [Strowman careens to the floor, winning Rollins the Rumble] SETH ROLLINS WINS!
 OH MY GOD!
 ROLLINS IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!
 Whoa-oh!
 Seth Rollins!
 Seth Rollins is going to WrestleMania! Seth Rollins has won the Royal Rumble match!
 [Recent ex-WWF talent Lex Luger shows up at the beginning of the Sting/Ric Flair matchup.]
 [notices Lex] Oooh, what in the hell is he doing here?! Get the camera off of him!
 What is this?
 Wait a minute. He's got a right to be here, this is a public mall.
 Get him out of here!
 Somebody call the security guards!
 (crowd starts chanting "Luger! Luger!") What?! Get the security and get him out of here!
 What's he doing wrong? What is he doing wrong?
 This is just unabashed arrogance.
 We have a major problem here.
 We have a situation starting here. A big one.
 I want to know what he's doing here.
 Well don't ask me! Get on the headsets to the truck, ask somebody.
 Welcome back live to the first hour of this edition of WCW Monday Nitro on TNT! Tony Schiavone and Larry Zbyszko. And we are taking a look at the Mauler completely maul his opponent Steve Doll.
 (Scott Hall, formerly known as Razor Ramon in the WWF, is seen in the crowd.)
 Well you know, Steve Doll's trying to get an offensive going.
 Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here?
 But the Mauler, well he just got reversed right there. The Mauler runs him down.
 That's not what I'm talking about.
 What are you talking about?!
 [Hall leaps over the railing]
 Look here.
 Well, what the hell?
 Get me a mic!
 What's with this?
 We need security out here. I have no idea, wait a minute! I can't believe what we're seeing.
 [climbing into the ring] Hey, you people, you know who I am, but you don't know why I'm here. Where is Billionaire Ted? Where is the Nacho Man? That punk can't even get in the building. Me, I go wherever I want, whenever I want. And where, oh where is Scheme Gene? 'Cause I've got a scoop for you. When that Ken doll lookalike, when that weatherman wannabe comes out here later tonight, I got a challenge for him, for Billionaire Ted, for the Nacho Man and for anybody else in uh...WCW, huh-huh-huh. Hey, you want to go to war? You want a war? You're going to get one!
 Fans, what about the match? I don't know what to say. Randy Anderson's coming-- Randy. Randy, what's going on here? What about the match, Randy? What's going on? The match. Fans, we've gotta go to a break.
 The match left!
 I have no idea what to say. Stay with us. Geez.
 Hey, lookie here. Ken doll, you got such a big mouth and we, we are sick of it.
 What do you mean? Who's we?
 You know who. This is where the big boys play? What a joke! I tell you what, you go tell Billionaire Ted, you tell him "Get three of his very very best." Maybe the Nacho Man! "Oooooooh....No." Hey, maybe he can get the Stinger! Ooooh, I'm so scared. You go get anybody you want because we...
 What do you mean "We"?
 We are taking over. You wanna go to war? You wanna war? You got one. Only, let's do it right. In the ring where it matters. Not in no microphones. Not in those newspapers or dirtsheets. Let's do it in the ring where it matters. If uh, if Billionaire Ted and his big boys, if they got any guts...
 You're stepping over the line.
 Because we are coming down here and like it or not, we are taking over.
 You're outta here!
 [Scott Hall appears again at the announce booth]
 Just relax chico. Yo, Ken Doll, I had such a good time last week that I came back for more.
 Look there's no reason...
 Look, look, look, relax man, relax. You started it. You want to go to war? You got a war. You started it, we gonna finish it.
 What do you mean "We"? You come up with this We stuff.
 You know who man. You know who. Did Daddy Warbucks? Did he get his money yet?
 (Sting comes out)
 Wait a minute, Stinger. Not here, not now. Don't even dignify it man.
 You came out here last week and said some real horrible things about WCW. Some real horrible things about the Hulkster, about the Macho Man, about the Stinger. Somewhere along the way, you got lost because do you have any idea where you are? You're in the jungle baby! This is WCW! That's right! Hold on! And every week you come out here and you say you want three of the best.
 That's right man, three of the best.
 You want three of the best, I don't see two of you. All I see is you and me. So why don't we just do this one on one right here, right now!
 Yo, yo, you wanna fight man? You wanna fight? You got one. Only, no one tells me what to do and chico, nobody tells me when to do it. [throws his toothpick at Sting. Sting responds by slapping Hall] Ok, ok tough guy. I got a little, no, I got big surprise for you next week.
 [Scott Hall shows up again]
 Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I don't want any trouble from you. I don't want any trouble with you here, now, but I don't have to point out. You came out here last week. Where is it, the big surprise? I mean I heard a lot of talk but where's the walk? [Hall points behind Eric] What? Where is he?
 (Kevin Nash, formerly known as Diesel in the WWF, appears from behind and grabs the mike)
 You've been sitting out here for six months running your mouth. This is where the big boys play, huh? Look at the adjective, play [sic]. We ain't here to play! Now, he (Hall) said last week that he was going to bring somebody out here. I'm here. You still don't have your three people and do you know why? Because nobody wants to face us. This show's about as interesting as Marge Schott reading excerpts from Mein Kampf.
 No trouble tonight, man. Speak your piece and...
 Yeah, no trouble cause you know, I'll kick your teeth down your throat. Where are these three guys? You know you couldn't get a paleontologist to get these fossils cleared? You ain't got enough guys off a dialysis machine to get a team? Yeah, where's Hogan? Where's Hogan? Out doing another episode of Blunder in Paradise? Where's the Macho Man huh? Doing some Slim Jim commercial? Hey, we're here! You wanna say something?
 00, I'm going to be in Atlanta. I'll be in the offices of WCW. I'll try and get you your fight and do you know what? Live this Sunday in Baltimore, Great American Bash, you guys want to show up? You want a fight? You show up and I'll see if I can get you your fight.
 I don't know about you but they love us in Baltimore.
 Hey big man, I say me and you, we be at the Bash. Maybe these punks want a fight.
 Yeah, bring what you got! The measuring stick just changed around here buddy. You're looking at it. [Tosses Bischoff around before he and Hall leave]
 Sting, a very somber mood tonight. I can't believe it. I can feel it, you can feel it. These people continue to make our lives very very tenuous. They did it again tonight right in the middle of your match with Arn Anderson. But lets go back to last night. What's your sense of what's happened at the Bash at the Beach?
 I am not at all surprised. What happened last night, I'm not surprised about coming from the two outsiders. But I will say I'm very very surprised at you Hulk Hogan. But I should've known. I should've known that when you were traveling to every town in that big fat limo. I should've known because you didn't want to travel with the Macho Man, the Total Package and the Stinger. Uhn-uhn, you were too busy making big movies and coming in for a little cameo appearance! You were too busy walking on the dark side! I should've known when you referred to the Macho Man, the Total Package and me as "three little dogs" waiting for a chance to wrestle the great Hulk Hogan. I should've known when I looked into your eyes. Do you know something, I made a mistake. But you made a bigger mistake because last night, you wiped out and trashed every single little kid, every single person that was a part of your life, that patterned their life after you! You told them to believe in the man upstairs! You told them to say their prayers and to take their vitamins! You told them to believe in themselves and you know something? It's a good thing you told them to believe in themselves because they sure as heck can't believe in you!
 By the way--
 (grabs mike) And last but not least, to put the cherry on the top, all those little kids, you told them to stick it! No, you stick it Hulk! YOU STICK IT!
 That is very strong. By the way, as fate would have it, these two men and their partner last night. Lex Luger got knocked out early by the action so the two of you had to go at it against the Outsiders. But Macho Man Randy Savage, you were very close with Hulk Hogan as I was. You were part of the Mega Powers. And if anybody got it stuck up, stuck up, well, stuck to him, you really got it stuck to you.
 I got a message for Hollywood Hogan. What I want to tell you and what I want to do to you, I can't say here on television especially at Disney. But you take the worst thing you can think about and you multiply it by the number nine million and then you multiply it by infinity and beyond, it would be just like one grain of sand in the Sahara desert brother. Because, it's really really scary. What I'm thinking and going to do to you, yeah!
 Hulk Hogan, Outsiders, you have led us down the primrose path!
 Well you know something Gene-o, I wish I would've done this two years ago brother because the New World Order is taking over professional wrestling. Hulk Hogan is bigger than the sport of professional wrestling. And with the Outsiders, the new blood, the foundation of the New World Order, we shall rule the wrestling world Mean Gene!
 What about the children? You know about the thousands and thousands of telephone calls that came into WCW. Every man, woman and child on the face of the earth is totally disgusted with you Hulk Hogan, including myself!
 We all know about the training, the prayers and the vitamins brother and like I said, these people out here, after I led their children down the right path had the gall to boo Hulk Hogan one more time. You fans can stick it brother!
 Wait a minute, I think Sting and Eric Bischoff brought it up earlier on. I think Sting said it best earlier on when he retorted "Hulk Hogan, you can stick it!"
 Well you know something brother, as far as people like Sting go, ten years ago when I shook his hand in Venice Beach, he was a skinny little bodybuilder. And when he laid his eyes on Hulk Hogan, he was shaking in his boots. I heard all the crying from the so called Macho Man. For three years, he blamed his divorce, the fact that he couldn't rise to the occasion on Hulk Hogan brother. And over and over and over and over again this past week, I've heard WCW blame Hulk Hogan for their problems. The only problem is I'm the greatest wrestler in the world, I made professional wrestling, I will always be bigger than wrestling and with these two friends of mine, the New World Order shall rule the wrestling world!
 This conceited jerk!
 You call these guys friends? You know about this man's background and this man's background, this nWo, Where is it going to go? Who's going to be a part of it? I think that's the question we're all asking ourselves and I'm going to ask you.
 Well these are the renegades brother! These are the men that when I open the door brother, they had the guts enough to walk through it. These are the guys that are going to set the trend for the nineties. They will lead Hulk Hogan and professional wrestling to its destiny. But these guys are just the foundation. The thing that everybody, the people out there don't realize is as I build my empire, will there be more outsiders that I bring in? Or will it be people that are so close to Ted Turner, maybe Eric Bischoff's friends. Who knows man? Maybe the guys that are in the locker room right now. There's always been a double loyalty man. In this business, they've been loyal to the promoters who have paid their bills and they've also been loyal to Hulk Hogan. Because they know where Hulk Hogan goes, that's where professional wrestling goes.
 You have to vent all of this on these people, the peers of this business. How about the kids that have looked up to you for years and years and now it comes down to this? And this is a pretty good example of the way your life is going to go Hulk Hogan.
 Well you know dude, I laid it out straight for all those kids, brother. They didn't want to follow the path, so I'm done with them! But as far as I'm concerned, I'm not going to mess with that skinny little Macho Man or that crybaby Sting. I'm going right to the top of the ladder, brother! And at Hog Wild, brother, on August the 10th, if the Giant has got guts enough, I'm going to dismantle the whole Ted Turner organization in one night. We're going to take the WCW belt, make it the New World Order belt and we shall reign supreme from that day forward. And as far as I'm concerned brother, if Ted Turner has any boys in the back that have any guts at all, come on out right now! We'll beat up the whole WCW right now, and what are they gonna do?!!
 [Sting comes down to the ring with a microphone]
 [with his back turned to the main camera] I want a chance to explain something that happened last Monday night on Nitro. Last Monday night, I was on an airplane flying from L.A. to Atlanta. When I got to Atlanta, I tuned in the TV to Nitro and I thought I was watching a rerun. It was a very convincing film. Often imitated but never duplicated though and what else did I see? I saw people, I saw wrestlers, I saw commentators and I saw best friends, doubt the Stinger. That's right, doubt the Stinger. So, I heard Lex Luger say "I know where Sting lives, I know where he works out, I'm gonna go get him!" So I said to myself, "I'll just go into seclusion. I'll wait and see what happens on Saturday Night." And I tuned in Saturday Night and what did I see? I saw more of the same, more doubt. Which brings me to Fall Brawl. I knew I had to get to Fall Brawl to get face to face with the Total Package to let him know that it wasn't me and what I got out of that was, "No, Sting. I DON'T BELEIVE YOU STING!" Well, all I've got to say is, I have been mediator, I have been babysitter, I've given him the benefit of the doubt about a thousand times in the last twelve months! I have carried the WCW banner and I have given my blood, my sweat and my tears for WCW! So for all of those fans out there and all of those wrestlers and people who've never doubted the Stinger, I'll stand by you if you stand by me. But, for all of the people, all of the commentators, all of the wrestlers and all of the best friends who did doubt me, you can stick it! From now on, I consider myself a free agent. But that doesn't mean you won't see the Stinger. From time to time, I'm going to pop in when you least expect it.
 [The show opens with the Outsiders in the ring with chairs having laid out the Nasty Boys and High Voltage. They go down to ringside where Tony and Larry are standing.]
 Not again. Not again with this!
 What's the problem here?
 Does this work? Nice to see you dressed up this week, Larry! (to Tony) Hey, I don't see you laughing today huh?
 Funny guy, huh?
 I was so funny last week right? Funny like a clown right? Were you laughing at me? I ain't so funny tonight am I? You see, we can put this on any time we want. I can be funny, I can be deadly and so can this man! Hey, let me ask you a question.
 You got the bad neck, right?
 You got the bad neck, right? Do you want to pick up your kids, huh?
 (to Larry who's not standing up for Tony) Do you want to step in here?
 Hey, you're the one that laughed at them. They let me know what I think.
 You talk about a triangle match, right? There's two of the combatants laid out right now.
 You know, what I want to know is I've been hearing my whole career how scary the Faces of Fear are. They say, everybody says that Meng and the Barbarian are the two toughest guys in the business. Well you tell those two islanders, come on out here and we'll slap that coconut breath out of you. Tell them to come on down. You can't have a Pay Per View in WCW without inviting the nWo.
 You can't be upset by what happened. These guys are thugs, they're paid by Dibiase and you're okay. So relax about it, don't be all upset.
 Yeah well, I don't need to be pushed around. I'm not a wrestler. You're a wrestler. So why didn't you step in front for me? How long have we been friends?
 You're okay and I'm not Clint Eastwood.
 Well I can only say this and I'm going to apologize to everybody because I've never done this before at all. But I don't need to be pushed around. I've got five children. I've got a wife. I've got a great job. I'll tell you what, big mouth! Why don't you go ahead? Why don't you go ahead and step in front of me? Why don't you handle the broadcast? Why don't you try play-by-play?
 Don't get upset!
 I don't need guys who are seven feet tall coming out here! (takes off his headset and walks away)
 I don't need guys seven feet tall either coming out here!
 [The show opens with footage of Ric Flair after being stitched up in a hospital as a result of last night's Fall Brawl when Curt Hennig slammed the cage door in his head]
 [very shaken up] Fans, uh... Nitro, as you can see, is on the air. Before I go into this card, I need to say something that I've really never said before. You know, 13 years ago, I got into this business because of Ric Flair. I was a minor league baseball announcer in this same city. He went to bat for me for the promoters and I became a wrestling announcer and when I look back on what has happened to me, I credit Ric Flair. And you have seen Ric Flair and what hap.......I can't do this show. I'm sorry. [takes off his headset and leaves]
 That's very impressive, a gentleman the stature of Hugh Morrus, and you absolutely got in there and manhandled him tonight. [Bill Goldberg just walks away] Sir, I've got to get a little bit more than that. Gentleman's just walking away from me.
 Is he a mute?
 I can't believe that. Tony, I haven't seen anything like that. Very impressive. But who is this guy Goldberg?
 [Eric Bischoff shoots on DX's recent assaults]
 As I look through the crowd tonight, I wonder what you must be thinking and I wonder what Vince McMahon is thinking. You know because for the last couple of weeks he's been sending his little wannabes around demanding to talk to moi. The only problem with that is, he only sends them where he knows I'm not going to be. That's okay because I've got a little solution. Sean Waltman, you want an apology from me? You actually show up at our offices on a Monday afternoon when I think even you Sean are smart enough to figure out I probably wouldn't be there. As far as the apology goes - bite me! I apologize to no one.
 But I've got a better idea because, Sean, I know you're just a little puppet and you do what Vince McMahon tells you to do, so Vince McMahon, this is for you. I'm coming to your backyard this Sunday. That's right, in Worcester, Massachussetts we've got a little PPV thing going on and I've got a hell of an idea. You want me? I'm gonna be in your back yard. Consider this an open invitation, Vince McMahon. You show up at Slamboree, it will be me and you McMahon, in the ring. How about it, Vinnie? But I want to warn you people right now, if you think Vince McMahon has got the guts to show up, don't buy this PPV because I guarantee you he is not man enough to step into this ring with me. But I'll be there Vinnie Mac, I'll be waiting for you. And I'm going to knock you out. See you there.
 The fans stand, showing their signs, and we are walking with Goldberg, and security from Goldberg's own locker room area following with him all the way to the ring, as you look live back in the locker room area. Surrounding Goldberg, some of Atlanta's finest, Doug Dillinger as well with WCW security, and here they come.
 What's going through his mind right now? I've never been in that situation, going for a world championship, let alone with that list of victories this man has, in his backyard, hometown in front of everybody he played for, played with. What an evening, what drama right now.
 Long walk for Goldberg, but it's been a long wait since he arrived in the Georgia Dome earlier in the day. So what's another long walk for Goldberg? They're almost down here now.
 [Goldberg now walks alone]
 Well, Hogan may be taking a long walk too. A real long walk back to the dressing room empty-handed.
 But could the unblemished mark, the incredible series of wins by Goldberg come to a crashing end here tonight?
 And you know, Tony, if Hogan is to defeat this man, you know what the nWo's gonna be like then with Hogan and Eric Bischoff in charge.
 [as Goldberg reaches the entrance] And there he is.
 And here comes the eruption.
 Bigger than before.
 This is his moment.
 [Goldberg stands on the ramp as the pyrotechnics envelope him for twenty seconds. When they subside, he walks to the ring surrounded by the security from before]
 It's a long way down.
 There you look at Goldberg, and think about what Goldberg represents. A virtual unknown in this sport who walked into WCW, and he represents every wrestler who wanted just to walk in here and become the World Champ. That's what he represents as he makes his way to the ring.
 He looks ready! Do it for me! Do it for the fans! Get rid of Hogan! And what's Hogan's mentality gonna be at Bash at the Beach if he's not heavyweight champion of the world along with Rodman?
 Look at Goldberg! He's ready!
 He's poised... [Goldberg spears Hulk Hogan] Hogan goes down!
 Okay, there's part one! Now finish him off! Finish him off!
 [Goldberg signals for the Jackhammer] He's calling for it!
 This is it! This is it! [Goldberg sets Hogan up for the Jackhammer] Your career's on the line here! Do it! Do it! This place'll erupt when he picks him up.
 [Goldberg lifts Hogan in a suplex] He's got him up! [...and slams Hogan to the mat] Oh Hell Yeah!
 [counting with the referee] One...
 [continues] ...two...THREE!!!
 OH, THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! We got a new heavyweight champion of the world! The first undefeated man in the history of this sport to ever win the World Championship, and have a record of 107, 108...who cares?! There's zero on the other side! We've got a new champion! Listen to this! [pauses to acknowledge the cheering crowd and "Goldberg" chants] Wow.
 31-year-old Bill Goldberg, less than ten months in the sport, is on top of the wrestling world.
 [off a shirt] "Who's next?"
 Who cares?
 "Who cares" is right.
 If you're even thinking about changing the channel to our competition, fans, do not. Because we understand that Mick Foley, who wrestled here one time as Cactus Jack, is going to win their World Title. [sarcastically] That's gonna put some butts in the seats.
 Fans, I want to reiterate something I talked about before the commercial break. If you're thinking about changing channels to our competition, we want to let you know that unlike us, they've got their show in the can, their show's been taped. Later tonight, Mick Foley, who once wrestled here as Cactus Jack, is gonna win their World Title. I mean, that's gonna be their World Champion. Ha ha!
 00 hour. We're gonna stay right here, we're gonna follow all the action as long as it takes, so stay with us. These are not taped matches. This is happening live, this is Nitro. [Bell rings] The bell sounds, Billy Silverman making the call. No matter what happens, we're staying with you here tonight.
 Even if it goes on all night, we're gonna be here.
 That's what we're all about.
 We're live!
 ...
 Listen to the fans! Look at Hogan's reaction!
 Over 40,000+! This is better than a playoff game!
 Hell, this is what pro wrestling, what World Championship Wrestling is all about!
 [on Hogan] He's been in so many big matches.
 Boy, he has.
 [Hogan fakes a punch, then lightly pokes Kevin Nash, who drops to the mat. Hogan covers him.]
 [as Silverman counts] What was that about? What's going on here? [Silverman counts to three. Hogan, Nash, Hall, and Scott Steiner celebrate in the ring] What just happened here?
 This stinks.
 Ladies and gentlemen, the winner and new Heavyweight Champion of the world, from nWo Hollywood, Hulk Hogan!
 [having been silent all night] It is unbelievable! The new World Heavyweight Champion, Hollywood Hulk Hogan!
 Before we start with tonight's action, Brain, there's something we both, but particularly you, have to say about our longtime friend Gorilla Monsoon.
 Gorilla will be sadly missed. He was one big, tough man, he was a decent honest man, and we're all going to miss him very much. And you know the pearly gates in heaven?
 Yeah.
 It's now gonna be called the Gorilla position. Goodbye, my friend.
 [Scott Steiner, his women, and the NWO are in the ring]
 Now last week, I was watching TV and I watched a 53-year-old man come down here who wears more loose skin than a Shar-Pei puppy come out here saying he's still "The Man." I see Ric Flair No.2, the Nature Boy come out here, who's been the butt-end of all the jokes, 'cause he's supposed to be the limousine-riding, jet-flying son of a gun, but I'm saying one time, you shoulda take a cab, and used to that money to fix that scrooked yellow teeth! So I asked myself, "if WCW was going to hire the Nature Boy No.2, why wouldn't they hire the Nature Boy, the original Nature Boy, Buddy Rogers?" Now I know that Buddy Rogers is dead - God rest his soul - but Ric Flair, your career is dead! And I know as he lays six feet under, he's still styling and profiling, 'cause when you used your little brain and stole his name, there's one thing you couldn't steal, and that was his class. So when you walked down that aisle last week, I know I wasn't alone, 'cause the people at home, all they did was grab their remote, change the channel to WWF and watch Stone Cold, a person you and your old friends got fired from here 'cause you're a jealous, old bastard. So Ric Flair, remember this, in this wrestling business, there's never been a bigger ass-kissing, butt-sucking bastard in this business, but also in life, you're the biggest ass-kiss, back-stabbing, butt-sucking bastard and you belong where you're at, in WCW, because WCW sucks... and so do you! Me? I'm just gonna stand here in the NWO for life!
 [Jeff Jarrett reveals Vince Russo as the Powers That Be]
 You know, after giving six years of my life to the World Wrestling Federation I came to WCW with one thing in mind - and that was to beat Vince McMahon at his own game! And you know what? Within a matter of weeks, the new blood in WCW was not only getting back in the game, they were changing the game! And that's when the good ol' boy network kicked in - afraid of change, and more importantly afraid of their jobs - the political BS took place in the back to bring Vince Russo down. And you stayin' at home know who you are 'cause you're watching me now. And then one day I'm told that there's gonna be a change in direction - a change that I knew SUCKED! And you know what? I wasn't the only one who knew - Benoit knew - Guerrero knew - Saturn knew - Malenko knew - Douglas knew - and they left! They're gone! Scott Steiner - he knew it, and they suspended his ass! Well you know what? That's all over now. It's done. And Vince Russo is back in charge again. And I wanna turn around now and I wanna say something to everybody in this ring. It is OVER. The old boys management is over. The inflated egos in the back, afraid to lose their spot - it is over. It is the dawning of a new day - it is your opportunity - seize that opportunity!
 [Eric Bischoff appears]
 Are you done yet? Let me tell you something. This man - Vince Russo and I - have more in common than anybody knows. But the big thing is the fact that we were both screwed by the same... good ol' boys network. Vince is right - those days are over. But it's okay! I don't even mind. And you know why I don't mind? Because it's giving me a hell of an opportunity to think about all the great things I did in WCW, but it's also given me an opportunity to realize the mistakes I've made... mistakes like Scott Hall, Kevin Nash, Sting, Diamond Dallas Page, and oh yeah, oh yeah... let's not forget Sid "Wished he was" Vicious. But you know what the biggest mistake I've ever made? I mean this is the real big one. Hulk Hogan. I'm sorry - I really am sorry.
 Everybody told me he would screw me - he would use me - they said, do not look into that red and yellow light because you will be blinded. Well, I was blinded, but tonight I've got 20/20 vision - I'm seeing real clearly for the first time in a long time, and right now I want to apologize to everybody in this ring - The New Blood - and I want you guys to know that if there's anything I can do for Vince Russo that will help you, I am there for him - I am there for you, because it is a whole new WCW. And where are they? Where are they, where is Diamond Dallas Page? Where is Sting? Where are they?
 I think they're hiding in the back with the old tail between their legs.
 [Tony Schiavone and Mark Madden talk about the Billy Kidman/Torrie Wilson sex tape on Nitro and the subsequent segment between Torrie and Shane Douglas on Thunder.]
 ... that fueled the fire for this "Viagra on a Pole" Match.
 I'll tell you... I'll tell you what, you can't come out of here limping in a match like this. You gotta get it up right away and keep it up.
 [Standing in the ring with Tank Abbott at the start of the show] You know, it seems like deja vu all over again. I stood in this very ring one month ago, and I made history. I made an example out of somebody... and you all know who that is, because that piece of shit hasn't been around since! Well tonight, I'm gonna make an example on live TV out of another piece of shit, Goldberg! You don't screw with me and the fact is I came out here tonight to fire Bill Goldberg's ass on national TV! Yeah, cheer for him you asshole Canadians! Well you know what? Brad Siegel wouldn't let me fire Goldberg because the fans love Goldberg! Well I say screw the fans and I say screw Bill Goldberg! And Goldberg, since I could not fire your ass, well I'm going to have your ass kicked right here tonight and he's right here Bill. Remember what happened at the Phillips arena Bill? Well we all know that was bullshit! So I say Bill, you bring it out here and lets call it in the ring. Do it Tank! You know, let me explain something to you assholes! You see, Bill Goldberg, Bill Goldberg believes in his own little mind that if this world were real, then he could take everybody! He could kick everybody's ass! He could kick your ass Tank! You know Bill, you think you're Superman, you think you're invincible, you think I can't beat you huh? Well I'll tell you what, I've got the kryptonite to stick up your ass tonight pal! What do I got to do? Do I got to beg you to come out here chickenshit?! What's the matter Bill? You don't want to come out here? You don't know the script? You don't know the storyline? Tank will call your ass!
 [Booker T calls out Big Poppa Pump and Ric Flair]
 Yo Steiner, Flair. I told you I was gonna talk to the man and that man is Eric Bischoff, so shut up and listen.
 [by phone patch] Thank you Booker. For those of you in the arena and all of you watching around the country this evening, I would very much would have chosen to be there tonight in person as I could be but given everything that's going on tonight, that's just not possible. Many of you may know that for the past six months I've been working with a group of people whose goal was - and is - to acquire World Championship Wrestling and to grow it once again to becoming a competitive, dominant wrestling organization worldwide.
 But recently, we've hit a couple of roadblocks that may be in fact brick walls, and while it is still in my power, I want to do something befitting what could be very well the last night of wrestling on the Turner networks. Given the fact that that wrestling has been such an important part of Turner's history for the past 29 years, I've been thinking over the weekend on what I could do to provide an exciting program that this historic event should be. To that end, I want to make an announcement now that next Monday night in Panama City is indeed going to be a "Night of Champions." By that, I mean every championship will be up for grabs, starting with the World Cruiserweight Championship, the Cruiserweight Tag Team Championships, the World Tag Team championship, the US title, and the World Heavyweight will also be up for grabs next Monday night at Panama City. And Scott Steiner, Booker T, I want you to, to be aware now that your match is a "Title Vs Title" match. The contracts are prepared, a WCW representative is standing by to make sure that the contracts are executed. Read them carefully, sign them, be prepared to defend your titles next Monday night. And also given the historic nature of this occasion and my relationship with this company for nearly ten years, I wanna personally extend an open invitation to any former - and I mean any former - World Heavyweight champion in WCW to join us in Panama City, and don't be afraid to bring your boots with you.
 Lastly, Ric Flair, you and I have had a very rocky relationship over the past ten years. While I have a tremendous amount of respect for you and what you've done in wrestling history and what you've done for WCW for so long now, I want to make sure in your case, a promise made is a promise kept - and Ric Flair, it is in your best interest this evening - to kiss Dusty Rhodes' ass. That being said, I'll see you all in Panama City next Monday night, The Night of Champions, thank you.
 [After the WCW opening logo, Vince McMahon appears]
 Imagine that. Me, Vince McMahon. Imagine that, here I am, on WCW television. How can that happen? Well, there's only one way. You see that it was just a matter of time before I, Vince McMahon, bought my competition. That's right, I own WCW, so therefore in its final broadcast tonight on TNT, I have the opportunity to address [hands gesturing to camera] you the WCW fans. I have an opportunity to address, you the WCW superstars. What is the fate of WCW? Well tonight, in this special simulcast, you will all find out, because the fate - [cups hands] the very fate of WCW is in my hands.
 [Ric Flair comes down to the ring]
 Did I - Did I - WOOOOO! Did I happen to hear Vince McMahon say he was goin' to hold WCW in the palms of his hands? Is that what he said? Does that mean that YOU are gonna hold Jack Brisco, Dory Funk, Harley Race, the Road Warriors, Sting, Luger, the Steiners, Bagwell, Ric Flair, Steamboat, does that mean you're gonna hold us all in the palm of your hands? To coin a phrase, I don't think so! You know, at twelve o'clock today, someone very special to me said, "Do not go onto that show tonight knowin' it's the last time that you'll ever be on TNT or TBS" - knowing it's the last time, she said to me, "Don't go out there and cry - don't go out there and say you're sorry" because I'm not - I've been fourteen times the World Champion - in my eyes, one of the greatest, you got it! The greatest wrestling organization in the world - WCW!
 We... I'm talkin' about the Stings, the Lugers, the Steiners, the Road Warriors - I'm talkin' about my best friend, Arn Anderson and the Four Horsemen - we have been on a par, and we have been equal to any wrestling organization in the world - as a matter of fact, we have run neck and neck with you, Vince McMahon, for years - for YEARS - and just for trivia, Vince McMahon, do you know that in 1981, when you were trying to become an announcer, your dad was on the board of directors and voted for ME to be the world champion - WOOOO! How 'bout that? And ever since that day, I have been a limousine-ridin', jet-flyin', kiss-stealin', wheelin-dealin', son of a gun, that along with the whole WCW dammit all, have kissed the girls worldwide, and made 'em cry! 'Cause ya see, we were every bit the force, we were WCW - we lived, we breathed, we sweat, we paid the price to be the best - never been about the boys - it's always been WWF vs. the WCW in the office - the boys that have gone out there, night in and night out, doing everything they could to be the very best at what they chose to do in their life - those boys are here tonight - we are!
 We're not going anywhere, you can't hold us in your hands and predict our life! We're WCW! We've bled and we've sweat - when was the last time you wrestled for an hour, cut yourself five times, bled for 45 minutes... when were you there? You weren't! You weren't! You were never in the dressing room, on the road 40 days and 40 nights, bleedin', sweatin', goin' to the next town, you weren't there, you can't hold people's lives in your hands. We're the greatest wrestling company of all time - I wanna say it again - you can't control us or our future, and in closing, let me say this - in all my years in this sport, my greatest opponent with this company has been Sting - so tonight, if we're going out, if we're going out on a high note, Stinger, the Nature Boy wants you right here, because - that's right - that's right - ya hear it, Sting? Sting, my greatest opponent - Sting, it's your last chance - your last chance to be... [crowd chants Sting] Sting, Sting, Sting, Sting, Sting, Sting - Sting! To be - the man, you've gotta beat the man, and Sting... I'M. THE. MAN. WOOOOOO!
 [The Honky Tonk Man is outnumbered 3 against 1]
 You know, now I think this is wrong. They can go for a pin, they're trying to torture the Honky Tonk Man.
 Well it's payback time.
 And you condone this?
 Absolutely. Anyone who would take Elizabeth and throw her down to the canvas is a piece of garbage in my book.
 You shouldn't let personal things enter into it Gorilla.
 Oh now I'm trying to be more like you.
 Round and round and round she goes and where she stops, there she stops.
 Only Velvet knows. How do you like the end of that poetry?
 Maybe they'll put it on record.
 I'm better than Leaping Lanny Poffo.
 Perhaps we can get a comment from the eighth wonder of the world. Andre the Giant.
 Hogan, I did it once. Say that I will do it again!
 [Smash kicks Dynamite Kid when Dynamite puts his head down.]
 Oh he got caught. Cardinal mistake, put his head down. Now Dynamite's in the wrong part of town and he's going to pay for it.
 And when you get caught in the wrong corner here, you've got six or eight boots hitting you.
 At the same time.
 Oh yeah.
 To the best of my knowledge Jess, there's--
 And you know what else is great? They've got three or four guys to distract the referee [Smash throws the referee across the ring] and uh oh! Smash just fired the referee across the ring. [Bell rings.]
 Well, that'll take care of Smash and Ax then.
 As a result of a disqualification, Demolition has been eliminated.
 Ax and Smash are gone. That was kind of stupid, Jess.
 Well, they got overzealous. What can I say?
 Haku is back in there. Nice clothesline!
 No that's Toma.
 You're right. It's Toma. It's Tama.
 Tama, Toma. It's Toma if I say it's Toma.
 It's Tama take my word for it.
 I tell you, they do love their Strike Force here in Cleveland.
 This is Richfield, Jesse.
 Yeah, that's a suburb of Cleveland. That's worse yet.
 If the Young Stallions get eliminated here, it will leave the Killer Bees up against three teams.
 That's almost a little rough right there.
 And suppose maybe you'll see them running much the same as Honky Tonk Man did earlier.
 I don't think so.
 Why?
 Because they're not that kind.
 I would think that would be the smart thing to do in that situation.
 Did you see the agility of that? Haku weighs what, 280?
 He's well over 300 pounds.
 And he went from a standing position, leapt up and drop kicked Roma right in the face.
 I'd like to see the Anvil try that. (Anvil also does a standing drop kick right here) Oh, he didn't get as high but he got up there. He must've heard me.
 Tell me Gorilla, is he wired to your headset?
 Could be. Deja vu.
 [Million Dollar Man, Ted Dibiase recalls when he bought a public pool for himself.]
 Yeah, I'd like a lot of privacy. When are all these little brats going to be out of the pool?
 00 in the evening.
 Yeah, well what would it take to make this a private pool right now?
 I'm afraid I can't do that. It's a public pool and the taxpayers. I'd have a lot of problems with the mothers and fathers.
 Listen mister, I pay more taxes in a month than these people make in a year. Virgil, (snaps his fingers, Virgil hands a couple of $100 bills to the manager.) I think we can find something wrong with the pool today. Don't you?
 I really can't. It's a public pool, I'd really have problems with the mothers and the fathers.
 Virgil, (snaps his fingers, Virgil hands two more $100 bills to the manager.) I think there's a little too much chlorine in the water. Don't you?
 I'll be right back.
 Yeah get these brats out of the water!
 [Virgil and the manager walk over to the pool.]
 (blows his whistle) All right, everybody out! The chlorine level is too high. We're going to close the pool. Let's go. Come on.
 Come on you little brats! Get out of the pool! Come on! All of you, out! Out! Out! Come on! Let's go!
 Ladies and gentlemen, as a result of a countout, Hulk Hogan has been eliminated. And futhermore the referees have instructed that if Hulk Hogan does not leave the ring and go back to the dressing room immediately, he will award the bout to Andre the Giant's team.
 All I've got to say to Sam Houston is welcome to the big leagues.
 Bobby Heenan's team, the Brain Busters. He says he's going to take them to the top.
 Well if anybody can, Heenan can, Gorilla.
 Well he hasn't proven that to me. He doesn't have one champion in his family.
 Oh, you don't like him because he's your partner on Prime Time!
 No I didn't say that. If you want to make champions, then go ahead and make champions but he hasn't proven to me that he's made one.
 What are you talking about? Andre held the title.
 For 30 seconds.
 Only because he gave it away.
 [Mr. Fuji is up on the apron.] Nice clothesline by Smash as Ax tells him "Put him away!"
 [Fuji pulls the ropes open and Smash goes through to the outside]
 Whoa! Did you see that Gorilla? Fuji was hanging on to the rope!
 I don't know. Inadvertently or not. Maybe he just lost his balance.
 No! I distinctly saw Fuji open the ropes and Smash went through them.
 And he got counted out!
 Demolition has been counted out!
 [Ax starts arguing with Fuji] Look at Ax call on Fuji now!
 I don't care! I'm the boss! And I did not pull the rope down!
 Fuji saying "I'm the boss!"
 Ooh, Fuji hit him with the cane! Did you see that Gorilla?
 He hits him again with it.
 It's not having any effect. [Fuji whacks Ax from behind with his cane]
 From behind he nails him again with it! [Smash throws Fuji into Ax who slams him on the floor] He forgot about Smash! Ax slamming Fuji on the canvas, on the concrete!
 All I can say is we've definitely had a major falling out. Happened here tonight.
 History made here tonight here at Survivor Series! [The Powers of Pain help Fuji back up]
 Wait a minute. What have we got going on here now?
 Action continues, but look at this! Why are they helping Fuji?
 I tell you, Gorilla, there's more to this than meets the eye I think.
 Something stinks here.
 And it ain't Cleveland.
 I've noticed you're wearing shades now, Gorilla, is that because you want to be like me?
 No, it's because I want to see.
 [Slick hits Randy Savage from behind with his cane]
 Oh look at that!
 Did Macho trip? What happened?
 Slickster from the outside tripped up the Macho Man with his cane.
 Now how can you be so sure?
 I saw it!
 You saw it? Through those bifocals you could see it?
 Yo Hulkamaniacs, it's Thanksgiving night and this is the happiest time of year for all the Maniacs brother! You know, me and all of my little Hulksters, we've got a lot of things to be thankful for. Number one, we're thankful for being happy and very healthy. We're thankful for having time to share with our loved ones. We're also thankful that Hulkamania is still the strongest force in the universe and after the turkey's done, after the blessings are all done, I can tell you what the Hulkster's most happy about, it's Survivor Series time and I'm thankful for my team of Hulkamaniacs!
 I'm thankful because I'm rich and you're not! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
 I'm thankful for having Damien and the DDT.
 You know what we're thankful for?
 We don't have to fight each other!
 Ooh, yeah! I am thankful that I am the only man worthy of being the Macho King. Ooh, yeah!
 I'm thankful for the privilege of living here in the good ol U.S. of A. Tough guy!
 I'm thankful, I've got the big Earthquake on my side!
 What I'm thankful for for Thanksgiving, is for my polka dots!
 I'm thankful for the justice I serve!
 I'm thankful for wrestlin', cuttin' and struttin'!
 I'm thankful for my good looks.
 I'm thankful for having the most ravishing body in the WWF.
 I'm thankful because I hate Ricky Rude.
 I am thankful for being the world's smartest man.
 I'm thankful for being absolutely perfect!
 Yeah! We're thankful for having sardine stuffing in our turkey tonight!
 I'm thankful for spending Thanksgiving with all the members of the Heenan Family.
 Thanksgiving is everyday but especially this day as the Warriors give me the intensity to deliver the power at Survivor Series, it is going to be a waaaaaaaaaar!!
 We're underway, as the 4x4s have cleared the ring.
 What do you expect? They run in the ring with boards.
 No, they're 4x4s.
 Yeah, boards, that's what I said.
 No they're only two-by-fours.
 ...
 Well, the Macho King, he had a scepter out there. He had a weapon, didn't he?
 Come on, Monsoon, get serious for a change, will you? Do you condone for a minute them being allowed to bring boards in the ring with them?
 That's just a symbol of their team.
 Yeah.
 You don't see them out there now, do you?
 I got a bridge, Monsoon, that's for sale. You interested?
 [Hacksaw Jim Duggan, having been defeated, clears the ring with his 2x4]
 Now do you condone that, Gorilla?
 Absolutely. After what they did? Yes!
 You condone him coming in from behind...
 Are you deaf, I said yes!
 [cont'd] and hitting somebody with a foreign object. You're despicable, Gorilla!
 Look at the big Z on the side of his head there. What's that, in case he gets lost or something?
 No, it means Zeus, Gorilla. You know Zeus starts with Z.
 Oh I understand that.
 Then what'd you ask for?
 See if you were paying attention, Jess.
 [as Hogan and Demolition triple-team DiBiase] Now what do you call this, Monsoon?
 It's called survival.
 Oh, it's "survival" when your favorites do it; it's cheating when the other team does it.
 I didn't say that.
 Yes you did. Look at this, triple-teaming in the center of the ring. Now why won't the referee disqualify them?
 It's the referee's prerogative.
 Yeah, a little biased, if you ask me, Gorilla. I mean, he fires Zeus out of here right at the getgo and he's letting the Hulkamaniacs get away with murder.
 Did Zeus not knock the referee down twice, Jess? You can't put your hands on the referee. I don't care whether you've got a Z on the side of your head or not, that's not legal. That'll cost you the match. And I don't know. If Zeus was still out there, I'd have my doubts.
 Well if Zeus was still out there, Hogan wouldn't be.
 He (Ted DiBiase) spat at him!(Hulk Hogan)
 Spat at who?
 At the champ. Well, what are you watching?! Aren't you paying attention?!
 I'm watching knee drops right into the back. I'm not looking at where spit and sweat is flying.
 Well pay attention!
 How can you see spit and sweat fly when there's knees and elbows?
 I might want to ask you a question later.
 The Powers of Pain are big and they are strong and they know how to double-team.
 There's evidence of it right there.
 The Warlord caught Hogan. Hogan stumbling to the wrong corner, Gorilla.
 Yeah, but where was the tag, Jess?
 There wasn't one.
 Oh, double clothesline by the champ. And the Powers of Pain are down. And Fuji's upset.
 DiBiase and Roberts outside the ring. Hogan is getting double-teamed unmercifully here. Oh! Spike Piledriver...it's over!
 Oh, Spike Piledriver nails the champ.
 (in background) The Powers of Pain, have been disqualified
 Oh, the referee saw that...he's disqualifying someone.
 WHAT? I can't believe it! He's saving Hogan again?! Not once! No, twice Hogan's gonna get saved in this match!
 Referee may have just disqualified both members of the Powers of Pain.
 Aw...this makes me sick, Monsoon! He disqualifies Zeus 'cause he beats up Hogan, now they disqualify the Powers of Pain because they beat up Hogan too!
 No, He disqualified Zeus because Zeus manhandled the referee, and these two guys got caught in a deliberate double-team effort.
 The tights on my behind are telling the tale
 Which team will perish, and which will prevail.
 [on the Bushwhackers] A lot of bushwhacking going on here in the Rosemont Horizon.
 What do you expect, Gorilla? It's Chicago. These guys are probably half normal in Chicago on Halsted Street.
 And look at this, Neidhart's getting beat up in the corner already. This thing's going wild.
 And look at The Anvil unloading on The Brain.
 The bell hasn't even rung yet. And look at Andre...
 We don't have all the team members out there yet!
 Yeah, but the big man, Andre the Giant is gonna eliminate The Anvil before the bell even sounds.
 I believe the referee has called for the bell. And there's the Warrior.
 There's the bell. There's the bell.
 Warrior with a clothesline. Warrior just... He's knocked Andre silly! The match is official, it's underway, and Andre's down and out. How are they gonna pick him up?
 Well the problem is, the bell rang with Andre in the ring. Andre's gotta get back in the the ring before a ten-count. The referee's counted...
 Andre the Giant has been counted out.
 Andre's gone.
 Wow! What a blow to The Heenan Family.
 Did you see the look on Arn Anderson's face? He can't believe it.
 "Weasel!" Listen to them, I told you they all know his name.
 Yeah, and I know that you instigated it, Monsoon. You sit down and quit waving at 'em to start that up! Pay attention to your job instead of picking sides!
 [as Haku tags Bobby Heenan] And here comes Heenan.
 Yeah sure.
 There you go.
 Yeah, he wants in when somebody's in trouble. [Heenan kicks Marty Jannetty before getting punched in the gut and quickly tags Arn Anderson] Oh, did you see that?! Give me a break.
 Hey he got in, did the damage, and got out.
 Did what damage?
 Kicked him in the nuts.
 Please.
 [Bobby Heenan is in there alone in the ring with the Ultimate Warrior]
 Look at the Warrior just waiting for the right opportunity. Uh-oh... [Camera pans to Heenan looking terrified] Look at that look. That's worth a thousand words.
 You're loving this ain't you, Monsoon?
 I am.
 You're just eating this up, aren't you?
 I am.
 The Warrior can beat up a manager.
 You said he was a intricate part of this team. Now he can show me that he is.
 The Ultimate Warrior has worked his way to the Grand Finale, Rod.
 The idea here — how do you become a survivor? You need to be a leftover! It's Thanksgiving!
 Like I've said a million times before, everybody's got a price for the Million Dollar Man, so without further ado, I will introduce to you now my mystery partner. Led to the ring by his manager Brother Love, weighing in at 320 pounds, from Death Valley, I give you THE UNDERTAKER!
 The Undertaker, the mystery partner is now revealed.
 I've never heard of him.
 [seeing the Undertaker walking to the ring] Oh, take a look!
 Holy cow! Look at the size of that hamhock! Check out them drumsticks, baby!
 320 pounds, looks to be 6'9", 6'10", somewhere in that neighborhood, Rod.
 6...6'10", I don't know, it's hard to tell from here. Holy cow.
 Look at the look on the face.
 I don't...you think it's his coffee? Doesn't look like he's having a good time. You think he'd steal the gold out of your teeth?
 There's only supposed to be four members on a team; this guy makes four and a half, maybe five.
 We don't wanna see quitters here, we wanna see real men! And real men wear kilts!
 It's the first time I've been wrong since '54.
 [on Jake Roberts] At this point, I hate to see the man get hurt. But there comes a point where you just maybe wanna see him get pinned so he don't get hurt anymore.
 Well, you'll have to pin him 'cause he's not gonna quit, Hot Rod.
 He's too much of a...
 [as Jake hits a DDT on the Warlord] Oh, look at this! DDT!
 YES!
 He nailed the big guy!
 YES!
 [Jake crawls for the pin, but referee Mike Chioda is distracted.]
 [as Rick Martel sprays Arrogance at Jake, forcing him off the Warlord] Oh, look at Martel.
 Did he get him?
 No, Jake saw it coming, he turned his head, Hot Rod.
 Alright.
 But the referee didn't see any of that action.
 [as Jake releases Damian from his bag] He's got a partner! He found a partner!
 Can you blame him?
 [Jake chases Rick out of the ring to the back]
 Not at all!
 Look at Martel, scared to death! And Jake right on his tail! Hobbling, limping, but still going after him!
 Martel, you coward, you did the least in there!
 Referee's counting. Warlord, of course, the legal man in the ring, and Jake the Snake. [Chioda finishes the count and calls for the bell] Oh, he's out. I don't think he was worried about being counted out, Hot Rod. He wanted a piece of Martel.
 Ladies and gentlemen, Jake "The Snake" Roberts has been counted out. Therefore, the winning survivors are the entire team of the Visionaries!
 Oh, the entire team of the Visionaries have made it to the Grand Finale.
 Including...
 Including the Model, of course. The whole team, the first time in the history of the Survivor Series that an entire team has made it.
 Martel would be there, but right now, he's running down Main Street Hartford.
 With all the excitement, I almost forgot about that humongous egg that's gonna hatch here.
 The last time I saw an egg that size when Milli Vanilli laid it.
 The Russians give us Nikolai Volkoff, we give the Russians MTV and 2 Live Crew. There's a fair exchange, huh?
 I wanted to point out to you and your cohorts that the Survivor Series is being shown around the world to our armed forces. They are gonna be seeing you in action here tonight against the Alliance, and especially those great guys and gals who are serving our country proudly in the Persian Gulf, and by the way, they find you and your commanding officer despicable.
 Despicable?!
 Yes! Despicable.
 Stand at attention, you puke. Shut that hole and listen up! And all you maggots out there, listen up! Despicable is saluting the red, white & blue! I, Sgt. Slaughter, salute one flag, and that flag is the banner of that brave Iraqi nation!
 You've gotta be kidding me!
 You know what, pukeface? Today, my Mercenaries and I sat down to a beautiful, hot, delicious turkey dinner with all the trimmings, and we didn't have to worry about swatting any desert flies away from the table; and we didn't have the smell of camel dung in the air when we chewed our food and swallowed it; but best of all, we didn't have any sand in our pumpkin pie! What did all of you American gung-ho soldiers out there in Saudi Arabia have in your K-ration can today? Hot turkey sandwich?!
 You call yourself an American? You've got to be kidding.
 Always think twice because the Iraqi Army soldier is just like the Mercenaries and Sgt. Slaughter — we take no prisoners and we are survivors, and THAT'S AN ORDER! You're dismissed.
 What a despicable piece of garbage.
 You pig! You pig! You know why he got kicked out of the service? For saying "Shazam!" too much.
 ...
 If these boys don't finish them off, I'm grabbing his butt, I'll take him over to the Persian Gulf and let our troops have a go at him! Let's see what kind of drill sergeant he is! You're nothing but a pig, you hang around with pigs, and you ain't got enough guts to eat a can of K-rations! I would rather eat K rations that eat turkey with you, you pig!
 Gentlemen, I must say the odds look to be stacked against you in the Grand Finale Match of Survival. Hulkster, it is your team of three against their five.
 Well, you know something, little dude. We're not too worried about the odds being stacked against us, you know. The way I count this thing, brother, it's those five over there against the Warrior, my man Tito Santana, the stark raving Hulkster, and millions and millions of those little Hulkamaniacs out there, brother. You know, this is what it's all about, brother. I've been around the WWF for quite some time now, and the Hulkster has always ruled. But never before have I seen such intensity in a man like the Ultimate Warrior, brother, to rise to the top so fast, to take it all the way, and to have so many little Warriors following him, brother. And as far as Tito Santana goes, brother, me and the Arriba Man have been around since day one. And as far as I'm concering, me, Tito, the Ultimate Warrior, we're gonna survive this thing, brother.
 to survive, baby, the Grand Finale!
 to do combat with those that believe they are the greatest! You, Power & Glory, a reminder that we feed off such things! And you, Rick "The Model" Martel, no competition to the powers that we possess! In Hulkamania, in Warrior Wildness, and Arribaderci!
 You know, the way I feel about it, dudes, this is the eleventh hour, and we are walking that fine razor's edge between greatness or disaster. And the way things stack up, with all those Hulkamaniacs, with everything running wild out there, brother, there's no way they're gonna beat us. The energy, the focus, the mind, body, and soul. What you gonna do when our team survives and wipes out you dudes out there?!
 [making a statement from when Jake Roberts' king cobra bit Randy Savage in the arm.] With the tragic events of this past weekend still fresh in all our minds, I accept full responsibility for allowing such a potentally dangerous reptile at ringside. I will accept Jake Roberts' explanation at face value that this was indeed an accident and he had led to believe that his king cobra had indeed been devenomized by the lab. However, resting upon my shoulders is the welfare of everyone here in the World Wrestling Federation. Therefore, effective immediately, the king cobra and all reptiles are barred from ringside. In addition, after careful consoltation with the Macho Man Randy Savage and his doctor, it is my decision that he is reinstated immediately and that a match between Randy Savage and Jake Roberts be sanctioned at the earliest possible date which will be this coming Tuesday Night in Texas. Therefore, Jake Roberts will not be a participant in the Survivor Series. Instead, the Legion of Doom and Big Boss Man will face the Natural Disasters and I.R.S in a three on three tag team encounter.
 [Regarding Davey Boy Smith] Million dollar body, ten cent mind and Whoopi Goldberg's hairdo
 [after Piper kisses Sherri, who was not supposed to be at ringside] The referee's finally realized that she was out there, not supposed to be, she's on her way out of there.
 Know where she's going? She's going to get a tetanus shot.
 I hope so.
 If Piper kissed you, you'd have to have shots too, Monsoon. Well, maybe not, I don't know.
 There's gonna be a lot of trouble there in the Macho household.
 What are you talking about?
 Well, he's been reinstated, right? He can wrestle again.
 Yes.
 Who's gonna do the dishes?
 [During the Team Piper vs. Team Flair match]
 Six remaining, and they're all in there. [Piper whips Flair into the corner, who flips over the top and onto the floor] Flair into the corner, up and over the top and out. He's the legal man out.
 Hold my jacket!
 Where're you going?
 I think I have to go down there and help him out.
 Oh, please.
 Well, if you insist, I'll stay here.
 [The referee, failing to contain the battle of the five men in the ring, calls for the bell]
 Referee calling for the bell to ring here. Disqualification perhaps, or count-out. [The action spills out to the floor. As this happens, Flair re-enters the ring.] I know Flair's the legal man out there.
 Well, they shouldn't disqualify him. They disqualify Piper? Who'd they disqualify?
 Why don't you just wait a minute? Somebody's gonna be sent out of here.
 I think Piper gave up. I think he quit and said, "I've had enough." I'm not sure what happened. There're bodies all over the place.
 Ladies and gentlemen, here is the referee's official decision.
 Here it comes.
 Ric Flair!
 How on Earth could he do that?! [Piper attacks Flair, sending him out of the ring] Piper not too happy about it.
 Doesn't matter. The winner of the first tag match at Survivor Series, the real world's champion, Ric Flair! Now give me one, Monsoon! WOOOOO!!!
 I'd like to give you one.
 Right here in Jim Louis Arena.
 Joe Louis!
 Joe Louis, sorry.
 Who's Jim Louis?
 Who's Joe Louis?
 Brain, if you keep quiet, no one will know how stupid you are.
 You're kidding.
 It's four against four. Do you realize Duggan's looking across the ring and sees eight?
 All right, Jake "The Snake" Roberts, these people saw what happened this weekend, I saw it, and millions around the world had an opportunity to see what took place. You said it was an accident.
 Trust me, it was.
 You said that snake had been devenomized by the lab.
 Cross my heart and hope to die, that's what I was told.
 You know, Jake Roberts, do you realize how much anguish you have caused the Macho Man Randy Savage and Miss Elizabeth, the torture that these...
 Yeah, it excited me a bit. Yeah, I thought about it for a long time.
 You are a sick man, Jake Roberts.
 Thank you very much.
 You know, there are many who say that Jack Tunney should have 86'ed you for your actions, you should be out of the World Wrestling Federation altogether! You're very fortunate to have an opportunity to meet the Macho Man Randy Savage one-on-one, This Tuesday in Texas, and I, for one, can hardly wait.
 Is that right?
 That's right.
 You know, let's start off by saying this. You're trying to cast me as the original sinner; well, I spoke to God this morning, and he said he doesn't like you. So let's point the finger at somebody else besides me. Let's point the finger at the people that voted for Savage, let's point the finger at Jack Tunney, let's point the finger at the World Wrestling Federation, not at me.
 You know, when you take a look at everything, the one-on-one match-up between you and the Macho Man Randy Savage, all of a sudden now, there is a very interesting hook to all of this—the fact that there will be no reptiles allowed at ringside, and that means no snakes in the bag.
 You know, it's hard to believe after six years, you people haven't caught on yet. The thing in the bag was simply a toy, something for me to amuse myself with. I've always been the snake you should worry about, and for six years you haven't caught on. It surprises me that anyone, even you, can be that ignorant.
 You laugh.
 Yeah, I laugh. Because Tuesday in Texas, Elizabeth, you have a ticket. You have a one-way ticket, a one-way ticket, Elizabeth. So don't be shy, sweetheart, let's use it, huh? You show up. A one-way ticket to the other side, if you will. Because this Tuesday in Texas...princess, don't expect the prince to be there to wake you up with a kiss, because you see...Tuesday in Texas is not the end, it is not the beginning, it's not even the beginning of the end, yet the end of the beginning.
 Undertaker trying to rip the face off the Hulkster.
 What a rip-off, huh? Well, Detroit's known for hockey, so that would be a face-off.
 Will you stop!
 [after Paul Bearer chokes Hogan a second time] I'll tell you, this monitor just keeps kickin' in, kickin' out.
 I'm gonna start kickin' you in and out in a minute!
 [after Hogan nails Flair on the outside] Whoa! He said "What are you doing here?" and unloads!
 Why did Hogan have to go touch Flair? Flair never touched the ring!
 Look at this! [Flair places a steel chair in front of the Undertaker and he tombstones Hogan on it] Flair with a chair, a steel chair! Oh! He got piledrived, right through the steel chair!
 Wait a minute... one, two...
 [as the referee and Bobby count] Come on! Get out!
 WE'VE GOT A NEW WORLD CHAMPION! WE GOT A NEW WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION CHAMPION! WOOOOO!
 What a miscarriage of justice!
 I told you so!
 The Undertaker!
 This is horrendous! Three guys it took—it took the Undertaker, Paul Bearer, and Ric Flair to beat Hulk Hogan!
 Hulkamania is dead! It is dead! Long live the Undertaker!
 WWF officials in the ring right now checking on the Hulkster, obviously knocked silly, knocked unconscious as Ric Flair slipped that steel chair underneath the bottom rope, allowing the Undertaker to piledrive the Hulkster's head right into it.
 Well, had Hogan not gone outside the ring and put a hand on Ric Flair, the real World's champion, maybe he'd be standing right now. Maybe the match'd still be going right now. Maybe he'd be World Wrestling Federation Champion right now. But no, Hogan. You wanna live by your own rules. "Hulk rules," right? There's what Hulk rules, his back on the mat, no gold, no belt, and all these little punk Hulkamaniacs crying their eyes out! I love it, Hulkamania's been buried and it's dead!
 Brain, give me a break. What business from the get-go did Ric Flair have down at ringside during this title match?!
 I don't know.
 Oh you don't know. "I don't know." That's your standard out—"I don't know."
 You ask him if he...
 He's the one responsible for this title change!
 Roddy Piper, you saw what happened! You tell me!
 All right, man. It be a bad day in the WWF. They say anything can happen in the Survivor Series in the WWF, and it has. The Undertaker, the new WWF Champion, you Addams Family reject! I just saw Hogan down there, he got red in his eyes, he got hair on his teeth, screaming "Tunney! Tunney!" Where are you now, Tunney! You saw what happened. Oh, and Lurch's new-found friend, Cousin Itt, Ric Flair running down there. You're a real handy guy when someone's got his back turned! Ding-dong! Ding-dong! We're hearing the bell, Undertaker. Ding-dong! Flair, we're hearing the bell! As far as I'm concerned, when it comes to the Undertaker becoming the WWF Champ with the help of Ric Flair, ain't no different than David Duke becoming Prez. We hear the bells, and we be coming. Ding-dong.
 Never in my life have I seen anything quite so disgusting! Quite so despicable. As a matter of fact Jack Tunney, It's a travesty! And I want to know what you're going to do about it.
 Gene, not withstanding what actually occurred this evening in the gravest challenge, the referee's decision is final.
 That's wrong!
 And cannot be challenged by me. However, it is well within my authority to order a rematch at the earliest possible date. Therefore, it is my decision that the Undertaker meet Hulk Hogan in a rematch for the World Wrestling Federation title this Tuesday in Texas.
 Amen.
 And furthermore, I will physically be at ringside to ensure a fair and just outcome.
 President Jack Tunney, you have acted very quickly. I know it's a difficult decision but I certainly concur and look forward to this Tuesday night.
 I have trouble telling the Beverly's apart.
 Beau's the one with the blond hair.
 What a night this is for me. And tomorrow, I'm having a bunch of guests over to my home in Beverly Hills, turkey for everyone, only 8 bucks a head at the door.
 Marty Jannetty, in picking up one of the Nasty Boys, accidentally kicked his own partner right in the face with the legs of the Nasty Boy. Shawn really bent out of shape here, furious with Marty Jannetty, and Marty Jannetty saying...Marty doesn't even know what happened.
 Well, I'll tell you, it's like I was reading in WWF Magazine, there's dissension between the Rockers. You know, they've hated each other...
 They did not! Will you stop, that's not true!
 They don't get along at all! They're both prima donnas!
 They are not!
 The rumors about them are true!
 What rumors?
 That they can't stand each other, in the World Wrestling Federation Magazine. Don't you read that publication?! I have my own column in it, I read it every month!
 All you do is look at the pictures! I don't think you can read!
 Well, it's all gonna happen This Tuesday in Texas, Brain. The big one. Newly crowned World Wrestling Federation Champion, the Undertaker, his first title defense against the former Champion, the Hulkster. What an opportunity for him to become 4-time, unprecedented, holder of the WWF Title.
 Is that gonna be something, when they play that "Real American" music, and he walks to the ring without the belt?
 And also, the Macho Man Randy Savage...
 Oh, yeah, with Elizabeth.
 ...back inside the ring to face Jake "The Snake" Roberts. [Checking headset] What's that? Yes? Oh, we have found, we have located...
 [checking his headset] Hello?
 Mean Gene Okerlund, we understand he has found the Undertaker. [Bobby takes out his headset and picks up the phone] Gene Okerlund, where are you?
 [Cut to Mean Gene in a dark place]
 I'm not quite certain, Gorilla Monsoon. However, I must say I feel very uncomfortable here in the catacombs, in the bowels, if you will, of Joe Louis Arena where I have finally found the new World Wrestling Federation Champion, the Undertaker. Manager Paul Bearer, you cannot be happy with the decision of President Jack Tunney ordering the rematch This Tuesday in Texas with your man, the Undertaker, facing the Immortal Hulk Hogan.
 Oh, Mr. Okerlund, nothing is immortal, not even Hulkamania. Hulkamania died right here this very evening, oh yes. And normally, Mr. Okerlund, when something dies, you hold the services almost immediately, but not in the case of Hulkamania. We'll hold him over, yes, right in the embalming room of my funeral parlor. And sometime between now and Tuesday, we will eviscerate him. Oh, yes. Eviscerate his bluing flesh. Oh, that stench.
 We warned you what was in store for Hulk Hogan. And now, Mr. Okerlund, let me enlighten you what we have in store for Hulkamania. [Opens the coffin] Look into the coffin. Look, Mr. Okerlund. Look. Hulkamania, it died at Survivor Series. Now, the only thing left is this Tuesday. [Closes the lid] The burial.
 Mr. Perfect, oooohhh yeahhhh!!!
 Take a look at this, Bobby Heenan!
 This is turning my stomach.
 Come on! Where is he? Where's Mr. Perfect? Where's the Macho Man's tag team partner?
 He took a hike!
 He to... [Perfect enters] There he is!
 There he is, that no good backstabbing ingrate! Oh, you're gonna get it! You're gonna get it good!
 Perfect, you chew that gum with that arrogant smug look, but you may never see Thanksgiving tomorrow! You dirty, no good, rotten, lowlife, poor excuse for a human being! Razor, cut him up! Flair, slap that figure-four on and break both legs! They're not perfect, that's what's perfect! Savage, you picked yourself a loser. Listen to these humanoids — the audacity of them to cheer on a...shows you what society has come to.
 Think about the Macho Man and the only perfect athlete in the WWF together.
 What do you mean "the only perfect athlete"?
 You've said it many times before, I'm quoting you.
 Well, I thought he was! But to be a perfect athlete, you have to be a perfect man, a man of integrity! When he turned on me, Flair and Ramon, he showed me so! He's not perfect!
 That doesn't take anything away from his athletic prowess, does it?
 I believe it does!
 With me now, the reigning Intercontinental Champion, Shawn Michaels. During the past month, we have witnessed an incredible turn of events in your life. Conspicuous by her absence, your manager Sensational Sherri, who right now is recovering from injuries she suffered during a confrontation you had with Marty Jannetty, and many believe it pushed you to save yourself to pull Sensational Sherri in front of...
 [interrupting] That's a lie, that...is a bald-faced lie.
 Nonetheless, without your manager, less than two weeks ago, you captured the Intercontinental Title from what seemed to be an invincible British Bulldog, Davey Boy Smith. And tonight, here at the Survivor Series, you face a man many believe is the greatest scientific wrestler of all time, Bret "The Hitman" Hart. And he is indeed a fighting champion. During his short tenure, he has defended the title more than any man in World Wrestling Federation history.
 You wanna talk history there, Sean Mooney? Let's talk a little history. Who is the man that beat Bret Hart at SummerSlam for the Intercontinental Title?
 The British Bulldog.
 That's right. Now, who is the man that defeated the British Bulldog—quite easily, I might add—to become the new WWF Intercontinental Champion?
 Well, you did, everyone knows...
 That's right, me. Now, for all you mathematical geniuses out there, 1 and 1 make 2. Two belts. See, when I signed for this match, Hitman, I knew I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. Your belt's on the line, mine stays right here. So tonight, all over the world, the last thing the people will hear is, "ladies and gentlemen, Shawn Michaels, the Intercontinental Champion...and new World Wrestling Federation Champion, has left the building."
 All right, we have just heard from challenger, Intercontinental Champion Shawn Michaels. With me right now, the World Wrestling Federation Champion himself, Bret "the Hitman" Hart, bringing his scientific knowledge here to the Survivor Series. Bret Hart, I vividly recall recently up in your home country in Canada, Saskatoon, you defeated the Nature Boy Ric Flair and made World Wrestling Federation history. You did it with your patented, painful leg submission hold, the Sharpshooter. Since that time, you've embarked on a most ambitious series of title defenses. You've said "no" to no one; you've taken on all comers. I recall in two and a half week span of time, you met and defeated—get this lineup—the Mountie, the Berzerker, Rick "The Model" Martel, big Papa Shango. Most recently, you defeated Virgil. You did it with the Sharpshooter. Tonight, this title—your title, Bret Hart—the World Wrestling Federation Title is on the line as you meet Intercontinental Champion Shawn Michaels.
 You know, Gene, Survivor Series and Thanksgiving have always been held in real close association. And everybody around the world knows that Thanksgiving is maybe the most special day for giving thanks. And nobody knows more about giving thanks than I do. As I stand before you right now, being the World Wrestling Federation champion, took me a long time to get this far, Gene. And Shawn Michaels, it's not about giving thanks for surviving one night. It's like surviving eight and a half years. That's what I've been doing, Shawn Michaels. I've been surviving a long time. I started out on the bottom, Shawn Michaels, of the World Wrestling Federation, I started out taking on everybody, clawing and fighting my way to the top, fighting my way through injuries, pain, all kinds of opponents. All kinds of shapes and sizes. And it didn't matter who it was, Shawn Michaels, I went through the tag teams, I went through the Intercontinental. But you know, Shawn Michaels, I've won a few, I've lost a few. But I'm right now, I'm at the highest. I am the World Wrestling Federation Champion, and I am proud of it. Shawn Michaels, you're a great wrestler, you got all kinds of great moves. And I got nothing but respect for you. You're gonna be a great Intercontinental Champion. But Shawn Michaels, tonight we're gonna find out who's gonna survive as the World Wrestling Federation champion. And the Excellence of Execution is feeling pretty excellent tonight.
 [as Shawn Michaels tries to grab Bret Hart's hair] You can't yank that hair. 65 pounds of oil in it.
 He is on fire. He's white hot. This man is hot.
 The Hitman Bret Hart is indeed, I agree with you.
 You bet. No, I'm talking about Shawn Michaels! Don't you ever pay attention to me?
 You know why the Kid's not doing well? Look at the time! Its half an hour past his bed time!
 That's surviving, McMahon.
 Pardon me, that's cheating.
 Well, cheating and surviving go hand in hand.
 Have you ever cheated somebody?
 Of course not.
 You shoud try it! It's a ball!
 Bobby Heenan...
 Oh come on, ref...
 What, do you want to referee now too? You wanna be president of the World Wrestling Federation?
 A good big man will always beat a small little punk.
 I don't know if I've ever heard it put quite that way, Bobby Heenan...
 (Adam Bomb and Rick Martel are obviously cheating) Come on ref, open your eyes!
 Hey, he's doing a great job!
 Is that you call teamwork, Bobby Heenan?
 Yes I do, what do you call teamwork? (disgusted) Fair tags? Life isn't fair, McMahon.
 Razor Ramon might just be the WWF superstar of the year!
 Am I still in the running?
 Come on, tear his leg out of his socket!
 Stop it, Bobby Heenan!
 What heart this young man has!
 So kick him in the heart.
 Aw, gee, can you imagine that? I upset the Hart family. I feel so bad about that. I got news for you. If I had a mom and dad that looked like that, I'd have put 'em six feet under a long time ago, whether those hearts were still pumping or not. And I got news for you. Bret "The Hitman" Hart, you and I have a history. I got a little something to settle with you anyway after what happened last Survivor Series. But you know, something's a little bit different — I still got my gold, and you got nothing. And what else do I have? I got three knights that I handpicked myself. What's he got? He's got his little brother, "The Rocket" Owen Hart; and he's got another brother, a fireman — I got something for the fireman, I'm so hot you can't put me out — and the other guy? He's a substitute schoolteacher. I don't need anybody teaching me anything, I know it all. Hart family, you guys are going down where your mom and your dad oughta be. And if that old man sticks his nose in my business, I'm gonna waffle him upside the head and somehow make him uglier than he already is.
 (after Ross and Wayne Hart are introduced) That's what it is. (sniffing) I thought it was zoo dirt.
 (on Ray Combs) Are you sure that's not Wink Martindale?
 There are 20 Hart family members here at ringside tonight.
 And Helen just gave birth to 8 of them.
 Stu Hart last wrestled at the Boston Garden in 1945.
 No you're wrong about that. 1845. He was at the tail end of his career.
 Ray, you know the movie Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan? Stu and Helen are going to remake the movie. They're going to meet eye to eye over a bowl of prunes and call it Senile in Seattle.
 Excuse me one minute. (yelling) Hey Stu (Hart), wake up! He fell asleep.
 He's gonna wake up. He's gonna come over here, Bobby.
 That'll take two hours. We'll be off the air.
 (On Bruce Hart) His name is Bruce, right? What a stupid name. You have nine months, and you come up with "Bruce"?
 (On being told Keith Hart is a fireman) Keith is a fireman? He's more like the spotted dog that rides on the back of the truck!
 (On the hooded Blue Knight) This Blue Knight's really put together, huh? I know who he is!
 Alright, who is he?
 Oh, I can't tell YOU.
 Say Bobby, I think you should wear a mask like the Knights.
 I should?
 Uh huh, as a public service.
 You know, the Hart family is known as the cowards of Canada.
 What do you mean, the cowards of Canada?
 That's just what I hear from people.
 (On Stu Hart) I asked Stu earlier, I asked him, you gotta be proud of your boys. He said, "I have boys?"
 (Things break down in the ring and everyone starts fighting) Oh, it's just like dinner time at the Hart house.
 Now, wouldn't you classify 20 members of the Hart family living together as a ghetto?
 Stu just yelled over to Helen, "Helen, I'm damp". What does that mean?
 Bobby Heenan, you're a bad man. You owe the entire Hart family an apology, as well as our audience.
 (The Red Knight kicks the fireman Keith Hart away from behind) Oh! He kicked the fireman right in his backdraft!
 (On Keith Hart) You know, that little man out there is man who goes out and risks his life every day.
 Eating dinner at the Hart house is risking your life every day!
 I hope the director doesn't show the Hart family anymore.
 Why's that?
 The phone'll be ringing off the hook over at America's Most Wanted!
 I think they oughta start a show for you family.
 Oh yeah? What would they call it?
 America's Most Unwanted.
 You know, all the Hart daughters look like the mom. I mean, the same age, like they're going on 85, 87...
 You are an unkind man, Bobby Heenan.
 Her face could hold an 8 day rain with all those wrinkles!
 (On Stu Hart's jacket, which has a picture of a bear on the back) Oh look! He's got a picture of Helen on the back of his jacket, isn't that nice...
 [After Owen Hart is eliminated]
 Shawn! Shawn! (throws a bottle of water to Shawn)
 He's hanging-- You can't really give him water Bobby!
 I didn't. Someone from behind me threw it.
 (about Mabel) Mabel with all that hair and makeup on. Are you sure that's not Oprah Winfrey?
 Would you be serious, Bobby Heenan?
 Oh that's right. She's dropped down to about 350.
 We still don't know who Shawn Michaels' Knights were-
 I do!
 Sure, of course you do, but you're not telling.
 Mabel is huge, Bobby Heenan!
 Well, if you wolfed down 65 turkeys, you'd put on a few pounds too.
 (Afa is chewing on... something.) Look at Afa! He's eating the carcass of a... wow, this is Jurassic Park, isn't it!
 What's that smell?
 That's Bastion Booger, I believe.
 WOW! ... I thought it was just Boston.
 Whoomp, there it is!
 Whoopsie, there it is.
 The ring is a mess. It's like the table when Bastion Booger eats!
 [At the end of the four Doinks match]
 This is a cartoon! Forget about Looney Tunes. Forget about Hanna Barbera. They've got nothing on the WWF!
 Not tonight!
 Not tonight!
 This looks like a match Chief Jay Strongbow should've wrestled in.
 ...
 There's confetti on the floor, there's bananas on the floor, there's turkey carcasses on the floor, there's bananas in the ring, there's skins in the ring. There's a drumstick, there's a wing, there's a gizzard.
 Where's a gizzard?
 I feel like I'm at Dahmer's house.
 Thanksgiving Eve, live from the Boston Garden, an American tradition. I am standing in the middle of the Foreign Fanatics' contigency on this American eve, Thanksgiving, after all, the celebration of America and all the victories we've had in this country...
 Yeah.
 Quite simply, your denigration policy across this country at this time specifically was not very well planned, Jim.
 "what is your strategy? How are you going to fight the All-Americans? Is it gonna be divide and conquer? Are you going to mount a frontal assault, an all-out attack?" Well, let me just say this. We've sat down and we've thought about this. The All-Americans — we look at them like one man, because they fight together, they stand together, they think as one. They're a unit, so how do you take a man out? Well, you can go for the mind, you can go for the heart, or you can go for the soul. Now, the heart of the All-Americans is the Steiner Brothers. They got a never-say-die attitude, they'll fight to the end; but you give a blow to the heart, it can be devestating. Now the mind, the mind is the Undertaker, because he's the master of fear, the master of psychology, the master of the psych-out; but if you take away a man's mind, he's confused, he's disoriented, and you can easily take him out. Then there's the soul, and the soul of the All-Americans is Lex Luger.
 Team captain Lex Luger.
 mind, heart & soul. The All-Americans are going down in the Boston Garden tonight!
 Ladies and gentlemen, on Thanksgiving Eve, in the middle of the Foreign contingency, coming up next, it's the "Clash of the Superpowers."
 [on the Steiner Brothers] Graduates of the University of Wisconsin.
 The University of Michigan, Bobby Heenan.
 I think they got their jackets on upside down. Anyone can graduate from Michigan. You could, even, a man who's hooked on phonics.
 Mr. Fuji, my hat goes off to you... if I had a hat.
 (Jacques hits a piledriver on Scott Steiner and covers him) It won't work. It won't work. (Steiner kicks out)
 Why wouldn't it work?
 Because he dropped him on his head! There's nothing in there!
 Ok, so now it's three on...
 Two, it's three on two.
 Three on two is five.
 (pause) That's right. You're the Brain, huh? You can add.
 Well, I thought I'd tell you, you know, help you out.
 Well, we have now have confirmation that Randy Savage has AGAIN been ejected from the building...
 How does he keep getting in? Is he Batman? Is he hanging from the rafters? Does he swing in on a pole?
 (On Lex Luger fighting Yokozuna) This is like a Volkswagon fighting a Greyhound bus!
 You know, The Undertaker's gonna start a new basketball team. Yeah, it's for guys six feet and under.
 (Undertaker sits up after being slammed down by Yokozuna) HE'S NOT A HUMAN BEING!
 (Yokozuna slams Undertaker down harder) He can't get up from this, or I'm a weasel!
 (On Ludvig Borga) He'll beat you all day until he beats you, but he'll do it nonchalantly if he has to beat you 100 times.
 [on Jeff Jarrett's CD, "Ain't I Great"] I understand it's on the NAA label, Vince.
 The NAA label? What's that?
 Not available anywhere.
 the Bad Guy, Razor Ramon!
 Imagine that if you would. Razor Ramon victorious against all odds. Shawn Michaels with one instruction too many. Shawn Michaels and Diesel with apparently a huge difference of opinion, one I'm not so sure can be repaired.
 You tell Big Daddy Cool, he needs a ride, try hitting the pavement! Hit the bricks!
 [During the Bret Hart/Bob Backlund match; Bret is in the Crossface Chickenwing. Owen Hart, in Backlund's corner, is pleading with Helen Hart to throw in the towel for Hart.]
 Bret Hart, against all odds is somehow hanging on! Owen Hart, standing by with his mom and dad, watching Bret suffer in this hold!
 [to Helen] Throw it in! You've gotta throw it in!
 [Helen takes the black towel from out of the grasp of Stu Hart. Stu attempts to stop her, but Helen throws it into the ring before he can do anything] OH NO!
 SHE THREW THE TOWEL IN! SHE THREW THE TOWEL IN! [The bell rings and Backlund releases the hold. Owen enters the ring and retrieves the towel. The referee then raises Backlund's hand in victory] And the towel has been thrown in! Oh no! [Owen, both towels in hand, runs backstage] But wait a minute! Wait a minute! I'm not going to believe this until there's an announcement.
 [Stu and Helen discuss what had happened, while Bret continue to rive in pain] Hitman is hurt, Vince, and hurt bad.
 [as referees check on Bret] Gorilla Monsoon, I think we have a new World Wrestling Federation Champion, and Helen Hart did what she had to do.
 What's a mother to do?!
 And... oh no. This can't be. [WWF officials arrive and help Stu and Helen get Bret out of the ring. Meanwhile Backlund is being offered the belt, and Backlund requests the belt be put around his waist] Can you believe this? Officials here in the WWF trying to help Bret back to the dressing room area. Imagine the anguish that Helen Hart and Stu must feel...
 Hitman...
 Imagine... because it was Helen Hart who finally yanked the towel out of Stu's hand and threw it in, and thus she ended the match, and thus she ended the reign of Bret Hart. Oh no.
 Mr. Bob Backlund!
 [Over Finkel's announcement] Look at that! That's gotta break Bret Hart. That's gotta break his heart!
 Well we've come full circle, eleven years has gone by, and Bob Backlund is once again the reigning World Wrestling Federation Champion.
 I can't believe it, I cannot believe it! Bob Backlund wears the World Wrestling Federation Championship! George Foreman did it in boxing; Bob Backlund has just done it at the same age, 45, in the World Wrestling Federation; and Backlund looking at his hands, his characteristic look, I don't know that he can even believe it. But the Hitman never quit.
 ...
 This is the new WWF Generation? I shudder to think!
 This is the flag-bearer now for the World Wrestling Federation?
 We're being told, not to cut Backlund's celebration short. Look at him, he's acting like he's 10 feet tall! Look at him.
 Obviously, we've just witnessed some...we thought you were having compassion for your brother. Vince McMahon said we're seeing the "true Owen Hart." This obviously was some sort of setup.
 A setup? You got it right, it was a setup! This is the greatest Thanksgiving of my life! And Mom and Dad? [Laughing] You fell right into my trap! You threw the towel in! And Bret, you're no longer the WWF Champion! Mr. Backlund is! And Bret, I could've beaten you before, but you cheated; but now you're nothing! You're below me, you're down there in the gutter, Bret! You're not a champion anymore, [sing-songy] you're a loser, and I'm a king, and Bret, you're a nobody. I'm gonna be the WWF Tag Team Champion, I am gonna be a WWF Intercontinental Champion, and Bret, I am gonna be the WWF World Heavyweight Champion; and I, unlike you, will never quit, I will never surrender! You're a quitter, Bret! Mom and Dad threw in the towel, and you're history, Bret. And I am the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be. Don't you forget it, brother. Woo!
 Let's go back to ringside. [cut back to the commentary table]
 I can't believe it.
 What a creep! Unbelievable! I thought he was showing legitimate compassion! Tears were running down his face, Vince!
 I actually feel betrayed. I mean, for Owen Hart to...he was pleading with his mom and dad...
 How could you do that?
 ...and all along...
 How could you do that to your mother and father, and your brother? What kind of an ingrate...he's a worse individual than I thought he was. He's a creep, first-class.
 Well at any rate, we have a new WWF champion.
 A lot of folks crying out here. I don't blame them. You got to wonder what Stu and Helen are thinking right now.
 I am standing with Bob Backlund. He did exactly what he said he was going to do. Agree or disagree with his tactics, he is now 2-time WWF Champion...
 [interrupting] Wait a minute, wait a minute. First of all, young man, it's Mr. Bob Backlund, and you're incorrect. I've been the Champion since 1978. I never lost the Championship. Tonight I just regained the belt, and I beat the man that represents your society! I beat him so I could save you! I'm going to scrutinize you to the fullest, pasteurize you, homogenize you, and synchronize you back into morality! You understand, ladies and gentlemen? It's sports-education! I'M YOUR CHAMPION! And I'll take on anybody...anybody at all, ladies and gentlemen, in your generation, 'cause I'm fighting for something that's more important than anything in this world, is put morality back into your lives; and now your children have somebody that they can emulate after, and try to catch up to... 'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE GOD!!!
 As far as his popularity goes, The 1-2-3 Kid has gone from the penthouse to the outhouse.
 Any individual who is as resilient as Michaels is, who's been knocked down so many times, and just keeps getting right back up.
 Well, that just shows how stupid he is!
 Suffering a concussion recently in Syracuse as a result of a brutal attack, Michaels returns to the squared circle! Yeah, Shawn Michaels ready for action here, but will he survive in the tag-team elimination wild card match-up? It's gonna get wild here in a minute!
 Can you imagine, in a small room, putting Bill Clinton and Newt Gingrich—how would they get along? Even though they got one common goal, that's to balance the budget. That's exactly the charge that Shawn Michaels, Ahmed Johnson, Psycho Sid, and the British Bulldog have—to balance the budget. Can they get along? We're gonna find out.
 [on Ahmed Johnson] This guy's terrible.
 You just said you were impressed with Ahmed Johnson.
 Eh, when he's up, he's good; when he's down, he's bad.
 Don't worry, Uncle Paul. Think back to Buried Alive, think back to, with his last dying gasp, how the Undertaker came to life. It doesn't bother me! Because I know, whatever form you take, Undertaker, you'll be crawling with your gasping breaths down the aisle at Madison Square Garden! And I will stomp you like the cockroaches I used to call dinner. And just like those lovely insects, at Survivor Series, Undertaker, I'm gonna eat you alive! Have a nice day!
 Here comes the bizarre one with Marlena.
 No, it's Marlena, followed by Goldust. Get it straight, big guy. Any self-respecting woman lets her man follow her.
 You don't smoke though, do you?
 Oh God, no. I'm allergic...absolutely horrible. I'm as innocent and pure as I look.
 Wow...
 Anyway, so much for truth in broadcasting.
 The King really hates this "Burger King" chant.
 Well I bet you would like a "Vince, take off the toupee" chant huh?
 [as Hunter Hearst Helmsley enters] Wins the gold, loses the chick? What's the deal with that?
 I think he's focused.
 That's one word for it; stupid's another.
 Why would he want to have a woman at ringside with him anyway? What purpose would it serve in this matchup?
 Wait a minute, who are you asking here, Jim Ross?
 Well, you're the only woman sitting here...
 Listen, I make a living out of being at ringside with men and telling them what to do and...hey, if I feel like it, I'll tell you what to do too. So why don't you just sit there, Chubby, and be quiet.
 Okay, thank you very much.
 Crush is a lot like Michael Irvin — keep him out of jail, he can play.
 [on Rocky Maivia] Look at this, he's a newcomer and they're already chanting his name. The entire building, 20,000 people.
 It won't be the last time!
 Rocky Maivia!
 Oh my God, I feel like my name should be Adrian!
 What a way to make your debut, with a big show in the Big Apple at the Survivor Series!
 What a dream come true for this first third-generation WWF superstar! And how proud is Rocky Johnson and his mom? How proud are Mom and Dad sitting in Florida, watching this on pay-per-view, JR.
 They've gotta be loving this, Grandma watching in Hawaii, and I'm sure the High Chief is looking on with a big smile on his face.
 Well you know, I'm proud of him too, and I haven't even gotten a chance to seduce him yet.
 Everybody talks about "the best there is, the best there was", all the other crap. The Excellence of Execution. Bret, cliches are cliches, an ass-whipping is an ass-whipping, and that's exactly what you're gonna get tonight at the hands of Stone Cold Steve Austin, and that's the bottom line!
 How ironic would it be if Stone Cold Steve Austin placed the Sharpshooter on Bret Hart and won by submission? Again, anything can happen in the WWF.
 Bret Hart won his 2nd WWF title here at the Garden at Wrestlemania X. I watched that on pay per view Vince.
 [on Razor Ramon II and Diesel II] Okay, JR, these are your guys, they're your proteges!
 I'm not their manager! You manage Vader. If I were managing these guys, they'd be doing a heck of... if I were managing Vader, he'd be doing better! He'd probably be the champion!
 You couldn't manage a Wendy's!
 I could if you lived in the town.
 [On Flash Funk's entrance] I tell you, red and yellow never looked so good in the Garden.
 Shawn Michaels said earlier that he would do anything to retain the title, and Sid proved he would do anything to take it.
 Hello, all you maple leaf loving freaks! You're about to find out the true meaning of "southern justice". I see that "Steers n' Queers" have already made their way to the ring. Well, now all you real true-to-life Yankee bastards are gonna see what southern justice is all about. Blacktracks and Buttbangers, you are done for.
 Interestingly enough, King, only one member of Team Canada was born in Canada — that's Phil LaFon. The Bulldog's from Manchester, England; Doug Furnas from Commerce, Oklahoma; and Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart from Reno, Nevada.
 Don't ever let the facts get in the way of a good story, Ross. Who cares? This is Canada against the United States, and quite frankly, I'm a little bit ashamed of the team that we're fielding.
 Vince, I'm gonna put you on the hot seat now—who's gonna win?
 I don't know.
 Owen Hart with a tremendous ovation in his home country, and Owen Hart...aw, look at this. What an act of bravery. Owen Hart, defending the Intercontinental Title, is bringing Team Canada with him.
 Well, it takes that many guys to carry all of Owen Hart's awards — those Slammies, all the titles, those flags.
 Yeah, Owen Hart has won a couple of Slammies, he's won two WWF Tag Titles, he's been the Intercontinental Champion twice. In some people's view, he is the real "Hitman" of the Hart family, because he almost put Shawn Michaels on the shelf with a kick to the back of the head, and we all know what he did to Stone Cold Steve Austin at SummerSlam.
 And you know, let's face it. In actuality, the physicians have not cleared Stone Cold to wrestle. They probably never will again. He had to go...he had to sidetrack the physicians. He had to get this match OK'd...well, he had to okay it himself. He had to indemnify Vince McMahon and the World Wrestling Federation, tell them they wouldn't be sued if his career was ended, and that may be the biggest mistake Stone Cold's ever made in his life.
 Austin again... [hits the Stone Cold Stunner on Owen Hart and covers him] OH AUSTIN! THE STUNNER! THE STONE COLD STUNNER! It's... [the referee counts three] YES!
 No!
 AUSTIN'S THE CHAMPION! STEVE AUSTIN IS THE NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION! [Doug Furnas and Phil LaFon attack, but Austin Stuns both] Wait a minute! Team Canada's back! Furnas, LaFon, Stunner for your trouble! The Rattlesnake did it!
 Stone Cold Steve Austin!
 Austin walks into hostile territory, and he comes away with the Intercontinental Championship, and now the fans seem to love him!
 I told you these Canadians are idiots!
 Ring the bell! Ring the fucking bell!
 Tonight, the mystery opponent...to square off against Mankind. This legend, in the ranks of sports-entertainment, made his WWF debut in 1990. Over the course of the next six years, this charismatic superstar boasted a won-loss record that set new standards here in the WWF. Unfortunately, seeking more opposition of his own caliber, this natural athlete jumped ship to the "dubya-C-dubya" (WCW)...
 Woah! Who is it?
 ...and after suffering a massive shoulder injury, this cornerstone of the World Wrestling Federation has been sidlined for the past two years. With his career on the line, he fought back with resilience, dreaming of this triumphant return to the ring here tonight. Therefore, without further ado, allow me to introduce to you. Currently, the coach of the Pasadena Chargers. The man...the myth...Dwayne Gill.
 Who?
 What...is he....?
 Dwayne Gill? Wait a minute I know him, that's Dwayne Gill!
 Well I'm not...he's...he's...he's got a video. McMahon has had a video prepared to Dwayne Gill, who has spent more time on the canvas than Rembrandt.
 What? This is Mankind's mystery opponent? Handpicked by Mr. Vince McMahon?
 Well, I tell you what...when McMahon told Mankind that... (pyro goes off) OH! I don't think Dwayne's quite used to getting pyro.
 He's got pyro and it scared him!
 I think that, I was informed just a second ago by our producers, that the Pasadena Chargers...is an elementary school football team. It's no as as if came...
 Well don't hold that against him.
 It's not as as if he came from the NFL or something.
 Why don't you just listen to me a little more, JR? I've been doing this a few years, you know. I know what I'm talking about.
 I watched you when I was a kid; I learned something every day.
 You got a promise, Kiel Center, from the D-O-Double-G and Mr. B. A-Double-Poisonous-Serpents. Buttbangers, go get you a WWF Merchandise Catalog and see if you can't order a couple of IC belts.
 Ladies and gentlemen, the World Wrestling Federation Championship is coveted in this industry, there's no doubt about that. The biggest names in the game have worn the World Wrestling Federation Title. It will be bestowed, it will be won by a new man here tonight, King. Either Mankind — obviously the chosen one, a corporate chosen one by Vince McMahon — or the "people's champion", the Rock.
 Vince, just like last Sunday on Heat, when the Rock said he'd rather be the People's Ass than to ever kiss yours. Well tonight it's time for each and every single piece of trailer park trash to kiss the Rock's, if you smell what the Rock is cookin'!
 You do not boo an Olympic Gold Medalist. You do not boo an Olympic Gold Medalist! I'm the best in the world. I came here for you. You do not boo me.
 Vince McMahon in the ring! Now Vince has got the title belt.
 OH! [Big Show chokeslams Billy Gunn]
 Vince McMahon has got the title belt in his hand, King.
 Look out! Wha... [Vince swings at Triple H with the belt, but misses] Uh-oh.
 Oh, going for Triple H's head...
 [Vince swings again, and this time hits Triple H] NO!
 AND HE GOT IT! McMAHON JUST KNOCKED TRIPLE H DOWN WITH THE BELT! [Big Show picks up Triple H and chokeslams him] THE BIG SHOW WITH A CHOKESLAM!
 [Big Show covers him. Vince, who was scheduled to be the referee for this match, counts and the audience counts along with him] No! I can't believe it! [Vince counts three]
 THE BIG SHOW! McMAHON HAS SCREWED HELMSLEY!
 The Big Show!
 Vince McMahon has screwed Triple H, and it is Show Time! It's Show Time! Triple H has lost the WWF Title to the Big Show!
 [As Austin has the Rock in the Sharpshooter]
 Why doesn't Hebner call for the bell?!
 Because the Rock hasn't tapped!
 Well, that never stopped him before at Survivor Series, did it?!
 Austin thrown right into the face of Earl Hebner. Down goes the referee. The Rock measuring Austin! [The Rock sets Austin up for the Rock Bottom, but Austin counters] Looking for the Rock Bottom!
 [Austin hits the Stone Cold Stunner on the Rock] STUNNER! OH MY GOD, IT'S OVER! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! IT'S FINALLY OVER! The legacy of the World Wrestling Federation dies here! [Austin covers, but Hebner is still down] COVER!!!!!
 But there's no referee!
 DAMN IT!
 Austin, he... he... he knocked his own referee out.
 It was unintentional!
 But then he... he inadvertently ran over Earl Hebner. [as he says this, Kurt Angle, who had moments ago been eliminated, reenters] The Rock starting to stir, but wait... wait a minute.
 [Angle grabs Austin's WWF title] Here comes Kurt. Thank God.
 That son of a... [Angle hits Austin with the title belt] OH! KURT ANGLE JUST... HE JUST NAILED AUSTIN! [The Rock delivers the Rock Bottom to Austin] THE ROCK BOTTOM! THE ROCK BOTTOM! [Hebner slowly makes it to the Rock pinning Austin and counts slowly. The crowd counts along with him] THE COUNT! THE COUNT! [Hebner counts three. The crowd and the WWF locker room erupt] IT'S OVER! IT'S OVER! THE WWF HAS WON IT! [In shock, Heyman drops his headset]
 The World Wrestling Federation!
 [Speaking to Heyman] How do you feel about that? You're out of work! You're out of work again! You didn't win, Paul! Your man lost! Kurt Angle just screwed you guys! [Cut again to the anguished Alliance's locker room, and shortly back to the WWF locker room's celebration] The Rock with the Rock Bottom, and Kurt Angle drilled Austin with the WWF title belt! How ironic was that?!? The WWF wins! The Alliance dies at the Survivor Series! The weight of the WWF world, resting on the shoulders of The Rock! And a Bizarre, Shocking Assist, by Kurt Angle!
 Gimme a fucking mic!
 And the Game going back; he's going to try it again.
 Oh-ho.
 One more Pedigree! He's going to stop Michaels!
 [But Michaels back body drops out of the way] Look out, Game! Look out!
 And Michaels back body dropped the Game! [Michaels gets into Superkick position] He came out of it!
 [Michaels hits Sweet Chin Music and the crowd erupts] Oh, he GOT him!
 "One"] THE COVER! ["Two"] HE GOT HIM! ["Three"; the crowd erupts again]
 NO! WHAT?!?
 SHAWN MICHAELS! SHAWN MICHAELS IS THE WORLD CHAMPION!
 What?!? WHAT did you say?
 HBK, Shawn Michaels!
 THEY'RE ON THEIR FEET AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN! MY GOD, I DON'T BELIEVE IT! I DON'T BELIEVE IT!
 They're on their feet all over the world right now, JR! Nobody believes this!
 SHAWN MICHAELS IS THE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD!
 ACK! Look at this! [Confetti begins to drop from the rafters]
 MY GOD, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
 This may be the world's biggest celebration!
 I know it's been said before, BUT IN THE WWE, DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?!?
 Well, of course, coming out to his nerd music...
 That's "Ride of the Valkyries", that's a great song.
 Yeah, from Apocalypse Now, and every time that Daniel Bryan comes out, that's what it is out here. Nonetheless, Daniel Bryan would know nothing about the way Maryse would dress, that wonderful Versace dress and Prada jacket. How gorgeous does Maryse look here tonight at Survivor Series?
 Oh, she's always very, very beautiful...as most...
 Arm candy?
 ...gold diggers are.
 Well, Daniel Bryan said he was honored...
 Wait a minute, how can you say Maryse is a gold digger?
 Let me ask you, if you think—Matt, you can probably vouch for this. You said you would love to take her shopping; you used to be a teacher—what if you still made a teacher's salary? You think she would still be around...
 He still does!
 I would take out a loan and mortgage my house.
 Trust me, Maryse would not be hanging around with somebody that is a regular joe out the street.
 Michael, let me shift to you. Daniel Bryan said he was honored to have Hall-of-Famer Jim Ross call his match this past year on "Old School" Raw.
 How did that work out?
 Sorry to interrupt, because we all know how much I respect Daniel Bryan, but I have something to say.
 [The lights go out momentarily]
 Oh, you can't turn the lights out on the Miz, he needs a spotlight!
 [as the lights come back on] That's better. I am a proud citizen of Cleveland, Ohio. [The Miami crowd boos] And it's fitting that I'm here in Miami because, truth be told, the Miami Heat are a lot like the Nexus—they're both arrogant, despised by millions, overrated and, in a word, the Nexus and the Miami both are hopelessly mediocre. I think LeBron is...is like the Wade Barrett of the NBA, not that he's a leader, because we all know LeBron is nothing more than Dwyane Wade's little sidekick. No, the reason LeBron is like Barrett, because they both feel that they are entitled to a championship. Well, there is one important difference—Wade Barrett might become champion tonight, whereas LeBron will never be champion! LeBron has a commercial where he asks, what should he do? What should you do? What you should do, LeBron. What should you do? You should go back to Cleveland and apologize to each and every one of us for what you did, you traitor!
 The "Let's Go, Heat!" chants. Of course, the Miami Heat play in this arena.
 As for you, Barrett, I don't care what happens to Cena. All you and Randy Orton need to know is I am tired of carrying this briefcase. So right now, it's not a matter of if, it's a simple question of when, because I'm the Miz, you are all witnesses to the fact that I'M...AWESOME!!!
 For somebody that's so closely associated with NXT, you seem to have no respect for their former stars.
 I like everybody on NXT.
 Daniel Bryan and Kaval?
 No, but I like my commentary.
 I'm being joined by Team Alberto Del Rio member, the All-American American, Jack Swagger, and Jack, how does it feel to be a part of Team Del Rio?
 Team Del Rio? Team Del Rio? Todd, let me tell you something? As the only former World Heavyweight Champion on this team, it should be called Jack Swagger's All-American Americans, which is important because we're not in America right now. We're not in Miami. This is "Little Cuba". Jack Swagger don't habla Español. Are you kidding me, Todd?
 You'll have to excuse him, Todd. See, I know where all this animosity stems from. I caught our Jack Swagger last night trying to get into a club here in South Beach with the most busted broke shoes I have ever seen.
 They were my grandfather's, and they're vintage.
 Right. Listen, I don't know what it's like to stand behind a roped entrance unlike you, [indicated Todd] unlike you...
 Bravo, bravo, I love it. I was just talking with Drew and Tyler, and I bet them a dinner that in the moment Jack Swagger starts talking, we're going to have a train of interruptions. [Mocking] Ooh, you're nothing. I'm better than you. You're nothing. Come on, guys. Come on. That's boring. We're here to destroy Rey Mysterio, to destroy Rey Mysterio and his little friends. I want to see little kids crying; I want them to see their idols on the floor; I want tears; and if we do that, I buy the beers. Sound good? Of course it does. And hey, come on, guys. Don't worry, I'm your captain. Your captain is the one and only Alberto Del Rio.
 [as Alberto, Drew and Tyler walk off] I hate to admit it, but he's good.
 There's no doubt that this man, Dashing Cody Rhodes, fits right in at South Beach
 [Exasperated] Oh my gosh....
 Cody's narcissistic, ego-driven, cocky, conceited, capable and confident.
 And he wins.
 I think it started with the letter C.
 This guy is... look at him!
 I am looking at him, it looks like his neck threw up. You think he's Dashing?!?!
 He's perfect!
 Oh my gosh! [Laughs]
 This guy right here, Matt, could be the wild card in all of this.
 Well, this is the x factor. I mean, let's not forget this past Friday on Smackdown on SyFy, Tyler Reks took The Big Show off of his feet. How do you prepare for the unknown, how do you prepare for Tyler Reks?
 Madison Square Garden...[the crowd cheers] Madison Square Garden...let me tell you something about Madison Square Garden. 1977, five years old, Dwayne Johnson is sittin' in the seats right out there, right in front, front row watching his grandfather, the High Chief Peter Maivia take on Superstar Billy Graham for the WWE Title. Seven years later, the Rock, twelve years old, hanging out in the back in the dressing room with Andre the Giant! Let me repeat that—hangin' out with Andre the Giant. Watching the Rock's dad, "Soul Man" Rocky Johnson defend his WWE Tag Team Title! And here we are, 1996, this very arena, this magical arena, the Rock makes his debut at Survivor Series, November '96! The Rock makes his debut at Survivor Series, and despite having a hideous outfit and the worst haircut known to man, this was the place! This was the place where the people, for the very first time in the Rock's life, chanted the Rock's name! [The crowd chants "Rocky!"] That night, that night started an odyssey, an epic odyssey that will go down in WWE history. That will go down in WWE history from "Know your role" to "Shut your mouth", all the way to "Layeth the smacketh down"; from "one on one with the Great One"; all the way back to "do you...like pie?"; to "it doesn't matter what you think!" All the way back, all the way back, then the Rock becomes...the Intercontinental Champion, then the Rock becomes Tag Team Champion, then the Rock becomes 7-time WWE Champion. But above all that, more importantly than that, on that night, the Rock became the People's Champion! Becoming the People's Champion, after seven long years, finally the Rock has come back. Finally the new era, the People's Era begins tonight, because finally...[the crowd says it with him] FINALLY, THE ROCK HAS COME BACK TO NEW YORK CITY!!!
 [The crowd resumes the "Rocky" chant"]
 Miz and R-Truth, Miz and R-Truth, it's as simple as this. It's as simple as this! Boots...to asses. Miz and R-Truth, boots to asses. Now, now on to the Rock's tag team partner, John Cena. [The crowd's usual reaction] You see, John Cena. John Cena, you called the Rock out to be your tag team partner. Well, guess what. You got your wish. But what you didn't count on, what you never counted on, what you never counted on was the Rock doesn't come alone. No, no, no, no, no! The Rock, as you can clearly hear, and later on, your monkey ass is clearly gonna see, that the Rock brings 17,000 strong! And what we're gonna do, we're gonna take a lightning bolt and shoot it right up your ovulating lady parts! [The crowd chants "Lady Parts!"] New York City, you and the Rock know just how magical Madison Square Garden is. You know it, the Rock knows it. You know how special and historic this night is. Frank Sinatra performed out there in Madison Square Garden, gave the performance of a lifetime! Not only Blue Eyes himself, it was Ali-Frazier, delivered the fight of the century in this very arena! And tonight...and tonight, the Rock wakes up in a city that never sleeps. In a city that never sleeps, he's A-#1, top of the list, king of the hill, A-#1...[sings] These little town blues are melting away. New York City, this is the Rock live, the Rock ain't singin' by himself! No, no, no! We're gonna make [sings with the crowd] a brand new start of it in Ol New York! If we can make it here, we'll make it anywhere. It's up to you, New York, New York!
 Boots to asses all night long, New York City, it's on...IF YA SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN'!!!
 And now Punk kick to the side of the head! [Punk covers Del Rio] The cover! [The ref counts to two, but Del Rio gets the shoulder up] Two-count, Del Rio, shoulder up! [Punk immediately hooks him into the Anaconda Vice] In the Vice! In the Vice!
 He's in that Vice!
 [as Del Rio tries clawing Punk's face] What a move by Punk! What a counter by Punk! Anaconda Vice! Anaconda Vice! Del Rio's in trouble! The Champ's in trouble!
 Hang on, hang on!
 Del Rio doing all he can!
 [Del Rio taps out]
 THERE IT IS!!!
 Oh...you gotta be kidding me! A great victory!
 CM Punk is WWE Champion!
 Wow.
 What a counter.
 What a match-up. [Punk exits the ring and dives into the crowd] I mean, these two were fists on fire, toe-to-toe for thirty minutes and it was totally, totally off the hook!
 CM Punk!
 For the sixteenth time in the history of Madison Square Garden, the WWE Championship has changed hands! CM Punk now a two-time WWE Champion, and a five-time world champion!
 [sitting on the barrier and holding the belt high] BEST IN THE WORLD!!!
 Got a lot of respect for CM Punk, man. For all intents and purposes, CM Punk is that good. [Punk runs and jumps into another part of the crowd] Wow! Just jumped in the mosh pit!
 You can call that the Punk Pit right now.
 Cole, you're quiet. You're sitting there with that look on your face, Cole. Why are you sulking?
 You all right, Cole?
 I'm picturing the WWE with that man as Champion.
 I thought you was picturing yourself in that Anaconda Vice. Stuffed up like a chicken, screaming like a little girl.
 You guys do realize that that man is representing your company now, right? You realize that! So much for the class and dignity of Del Rio!
 Well, I'm on Smackdown.
 I don't think this capacity crowd here in Madison Square Garden has any problems with CM Punk representing them.
 [on Brodus Clay's entrance] A funky start to the Survivor Series.
 "Funky"'s a kind word. This is what happens when you cross a plesiosaur with Adele. This is the offspring.
 What are you talking about?
 A plesiosaur, from the Cretaceous period.
 No, I mean Adele's a singer, not a dancer.
 Okay, Kirstie Alley.
 Cesaro was considered too aggressive when he played rugby; he was actually kicked out of his league...
 That's what I just said.
 ...before he came over here...
 I'm over here with a freaking parrot!
 ...to WWE.
 Good grief, I just said that! He was thrown out of the Top 14. Like Buck Shelford, All Blacks; Springboks-All Blacks! It's an island just south of Australia, parrot!
 Now you know how it feels.
 Come on, JBL, you can't blame him for not listening.
 [on Del Rio] And you like that guy, JBL?
 Love that guy! You have your ring announcer, you got a $100,000 collector's Rolls Royce! This man is terrific!
 You know, you had your own Cabinet. How did that work out?
 Not so well. We were the antithesis to the Four Horsemen.
 Daniel Bryan a former World Champion.
 And a vegan. Something else no one cares about. Tyson was a vegan until he ate Holyfield's ear.
 [laughing] You've talked about every sport imaginable tonight, even rugby.
 Your Google was busy today.
 Ladies and gentlemen, tonight marks day #364 that CM Punk has been Champion. He is currently tied with Hulk Hogan for the eighth-longest reign in WWE history.
 How could you possibly understate a record like that?! 364 days?! When CM Punk became the Champion, Mitt Romney wasn't even the Republican nomination, Snooki hadn't even had a baby, Hostess was still in business. One day away from being a year, CM Punk!
 But wouldn't it be ironic if he doesn't quite make the year?
 It would be a year if he can make it to Monday Night Raw. CM Punk's current reign is the longest in six years. The man who stands in the ring next to him now, John Cena, held it for 380 days between 2006-2007. Now isn't that ironic? Now, John, I gotta ask you. A lot of people have been talking all week long about Punk being paranoid heading into tonight, that perhaps tonight is the night that things all are gonna crash down around CM Punk. Have you heard those rumors? Do you believe in them?
 The pressure of carrying the Championship that long, one day away from being one year, of course he's nervous. He's not facing one beast, he's facing two in Cena and this crazy manimal Ryback.
 And he's also facing the law of averages.
 Boston, Massachusetts, the home of the Boston Tea Party, where, at one time, a group of patriots banded together to spark a revolution. But looking around at this motley crew assembled here tonight, I can clearly see that there are no revolutionaries amongst us. But if the Boston Tea Party were held today, none of you would know it, because you don't pay attention. None of you would know anything about Paul Revere or Nathan Hale because you're too busy doing other things, stupid things like twerking.
 Twerking?
 [Zeb demonstrates, but almost throws out his back to the laughter of the commentators and the crowd]
 Oh, he threw his back out.
 Oh, you think that's funny? You're doing stupid things like talking on your cell phones or Tweeting to some idiot halfway across the country, or cheering some foreign guy by the name of David Ortiz! Disgusting! You should be cheering real Americans like Jack Swagger...
 Enough, enough, Zeb! None of these people here paid to listen to you talk!
 I did.
 You paid?
 And none of these people wanna see you twerk.
 I do.
 They were down 5-to-2 at one point. And it's not that Rey Mysterio had an off night; Roman Reigns just had an incredible night.
 I've been called many things—needy, adorable, psychotic, champion—and I have not come this far to be taken down now. Now, I know that all of you are far less successful than I am, but that's no reason for you to feel inferior. No, no, you should draw inspiration from me. Yes, this is the time for you to shake off all your insecurities, this is the time to prove everyone wrong, and to take back our Divas division! Who's with me?
 Who are you calling inferior?
 What makes you think you're better than any of us?
 Is...is that, like, a rhetorical question or...I'm sorry, do you know what rhetorical means? I'll speak real slow. It means...
 Rhetorical means, a question that is so obvious that it doesn't need an answer. For example, why would any of us trust you? I mean, you basically ruined my life, you used Aksana and Fox in your ridiculous crusade against the Total Divas, and let's face it, besides your hired help, you have made enemies with every single one of us.
 Oh, Katie, I don't like you, and I know you don't like me, but this isn't about us. No, this is about the fact that Total Divas doesn't want any of you. And maybe it's because they think that you're not pretty enough, Kaitlyn; or because you have a silly accent, Aksana; or because that all you can do is dance, Summer. Yeah, what I know is that right now, Total Divas has new episodes playing on the E! Network, and none of you are on them, because they think that you don't deserve to be. Well prove them wrong. Start your own show by stealing this one tonight.
 [as Nikki Bella does "The Worm"] Scotty 2 Hotty oughta sue somebody for gimmick infringement!
 She speaks to me. She whispers in my dreams. She told me about you, Punk and Bryan. She said that y'all would be tough as nails, and if we wanted to take you down, well then we'd have to hunt you like dogs. She was right. But we are the reapers, and there's nowhere left to run.
 Oh, my God!
 What?!
 It's Sting!
 What?!
 Stinger's here!
 A six-time WCW Champion, a two-time NWA World Heavyweight Champion!
 But what the hell is he doing here?
 The Icon! The Franchise!
 The man who has never stepped foot inside WWE's arena before!
 What a hell of an impact he's made the first time he did!
 But why is Stinger here?!
 None of his business, I'll tell ya!
 This is incredible! [Sting comes to the ring and attacks Scott Armstrong] Down goes Armstrong!
 [Sting enters the ring and stares down Triple H for two minutes, amidst the chants of "Holy Shit!", "Sting!" and "This is awesome." Triple H attacks, but Sting evades, then kicks him in the gut.]
 Look at this! Sting!
 Triple H with the first shot, but he missed!
 [Sting hits the Scorpion Death Drop on Triple H.]
 Stinger strikes! [Sting pulls Rollins off of Ziggler onto his back, then pulls Ziggler on top of him, and walks out] And he pulls Ziggler into the cover of Seth Rollins.
 [seeing the original referee make the count] Hey guys...
 Here's the cover.
 No! [The referee hits three] NO!
 Team Cena wins!
 Whoo-hoo!
 Dolph Ziggler, and Team Cena!
 Oh, happy day!
 The Authority is gone!
 What has Sting done? And why?
 Ladies and gentlemen, the most incredible moment in Survivor Series history! The Authority is out of power! Dolph Ziggler is the lone survivor, and the iconic Sting returns with a Death Drop to Triple H!
 [Triple H and Stephanie McMahon stand alone in the ring after losing the match to Team Cena, leaving the Authority out of power.]
 NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
 [Crowd starts to sing "Na Na Na (Kiss Him Goodbye)"]
 NA NA NA NA. NA NA NA NA. HEY HEY HEY Goodbye.
 NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! THIS IS NOT OVER!!!!!!!!
 [After Roman Reigns won the WWE World Heavyweight Championship in the tournament finals, only for Sheamus to cash-in Money in the Bank and become champion]
 Roman Reigns finally reached the summit, and he got Brogue Kicked right off of it!
 Toronto!
 [crowd cheers]
 Look what you've done! We are a couple of star boys! And tonight, these star boys...we got enemies, got a lot of enemies. We got a couple of haters...a couple of haters...from SmackDown trying to drain us of our energy!
 And ain't nobody could've drained us of our energy, because we are in Toronto, and we've been sipping on Timmy Horton's all day long! [crowd cheers) And as for SmackDown Live, they've been sipping on their cup of Average Joe.
 [crowd cheers]
 Tonight, we are running through the six with our foes. So Team Raw's on their ones and twos. I got 'em all BO's. So SmackDown...you better be on your Toron-toes, babe. [He strips down his overalls to reveal a writing of "If You're Reading This, It's Too Late" a la Drake's album as the crowd cheers louder]
 If you're reading this it's too late because there's only [the crowd joins in] one word...to describe you, and I'm gonna spell it out for ya! S-A-W-F-T!
 SAWFT!
 Oh, Toronto! Don't you dare...be sour! Clap for your world-famous 2-time champs and feel the power!
 [The New Day's music kicks in and they enter as the crowd chants "New Day rocks!"]
 Tonight, we are much more than just your [The New Day members wiggle their hips and the crowd joins in] WWE World Tag Team Champions...
 And that goal is to put the whooping on Team SmackDown, baby!
 But why? But why? Because...Team Raw rocks! [the crowd joins in as Team Raw marches their way to the ring] Team Raw rocks!
 [Woods plays his trombone to the rhythm of the crowd chanting "Team Raw rocks" while Team Raw marches to the ring]
 Feel free to join us on this...chanting anytime, Otunga.
 I'll pass on this...as much as I have a point.
 Seth Rollins said, "Survivor Series has always been big to me. I'm gonna stay the course tonight and lead Team RAW to victory."
 Well, his shirt tells me he's a little bit of self-interest in there. He's got half of his own shirt, half of Team RAW.
 What an astute observation there, Jennifer Hudsband.
 SPEAR! Goldberg hit Lesnar with a spear from out of nowhere!
 Goldberg may shock the world.
 Goldberg looking to end this early.
 Lesnar's hurt. Lesnar's hurt. [Goldberg hits Lesnar with another spear] Goldberg again with another spear. 2 spears to Lesnar. Brock's in trouble. Brock's in trouble.
 I don't think anybody expected this sort of dominance right out of the gate from Goldberg.
 The Beast may be on the verge of getting slayed.
 Goldberg looking for a Jackhammer. A Jackhammer to Lesnar..here's the cover...[Referee counts the 3] OH MY GOD! Goldberg beat Brock!
 Here is your winner...Goldberg!
 A monumental Upset after 12 years, Goldberg returns to the ring and absolutely destroys The Beast.
 I cannot believe what I just witnessed.
 You and me both. Goldberg said he had one last Jackhammer and that one last Jackhammer was good enough to pin Brock Lesnar.
 The entire world has got to be in shock right now.
diff --git a/wwe_w_attribution.txt b/wwe_w_attribution.txt
 Howard Finkel: Welcome to Wrestlemania!
 Jesse "The Body" Ventura: Woodstock was to rock and roll, what WrestleMania is to wrestling.
 Mean Gene Okerlund: Finally, your men, in a very controversial match...
 "Classy" Freddie Blassie: What do you mean "controversial"? He pinned him right in the center of the ring, didn't he? Did he or did he not pin him for the count of three?
 Mean Gene: Where's that cane of yours?
 Blassie: What cane? I...didn't have no cane!
 Mean Gene: All right, we're just moments away from the big one. When I say big, the battle of the titans. Big John Studd, Bobby Heenan, come in. Andre the Giant putting his entire career on the line.
 Big John Studd: Oh man, this bag is heavy man! This is what it was all about. $15,000 that we used for bait. John Studd, the only giant of wrestling. 7 foot plus, nearly 400 pounds of solid muscle. And this is what we wanted to prove to the whole world that I am the giant in a few short moments, along with this $15,000. You're going to see me in the ring and you're going to see the last match of Andrea because he retires if he can't do it.
 Mean Gene: Bobby Heenan, I'm just counting the money here.
 Bobby "The Brain" Heenan: You know what we did, just keep your hands to yourself here. For $15,000 and a haircut, we are eliminating Andre the Giant from professional wrestling. Oh yeah, a lot of gladhandlers out here today. Keep your hands out of there pal! Only two people are going to see this money. That's Studd and myself. Oh, three, the people at the bank when we deposit the money. But not the Giant.
 Mean Gene: Stand by! It's upcoming. [to Heenan] I know.
 Bobby: He's retired, he's done, he's done and don't you touch our money.
 Jesse: I've seen plenty of anticlimactic Super Bowls in my day, I've seen a lot of lousy NBA Championships in my day, but we definitely are not seeing...we're seeing the greatest spectacle in wrestling history right now.
 Hulk Hogan: WrestleMania, Hulk Hogan, Mr. T, Superfly Jimmy Snuka: we reign supreme, can you dig that?!
 Lou Duva: He's the prospect, I think of the heavyweights out there today, he the best prospect known. He's trained diligently, he's in real good shape. Heavyweight's one punch and it's all over. Tonight, he's in shape and he's going to do his job. Right Roddy?
 Rowdy Roddy Piper: I'm cute. I groomed my hair long, that way during the fight tonight, you can tell the difference between me and T. I figured some of you folks out there may get a little confused. I have got the absolute best coach in the entire world to train me. I've been down with Biggs training, with Spinks training. He went and got Smokin' Joe Frazier in his corner. Are you ribbing me? He threw a medicine ball at my belly. Didn't move an inch! I'm down to 219 pounds in 30 minutes. You see, he talks cheap! So you say Roddy, you're sitting there talking? I say this to you! I say if Mr. T can knock me out in this fight right here, I would not only quit professional boxing, I would quit and retire from professional wrestling, I will quit tiddlywinks, I will quit dating girls! [To Cowboy Bob Orton] I'd stick with you. I would quit it all! I right now say if T can knock me out, I will retire and I'm going to stick my head out there round after round after round and put it out there because as pretty as it is, he's going to shoot some punches, I'm going to be moving like that just like coach taught me. He's gonna shoot some more, I'm going to be moving like that. And another thing, you know Mr. T, I know you're a smart aleck. You come out with a kilt, but let me tell you something, never will I shave my hair like an Indian and paint myself black. Too-hoo!
 Susan Saint James: All right, George, eat his leg!
 Jesse "The Body" Ventura: Hogan, your ribs are injured, you're facing the biggest, toughest man I believe you've ever faced in your career in King Kong Bundy inside a steel cage. Man, I can't believe you'd do something like that as Champion of the world!
 Hulk Hogan: Well, you know, Ventura, I don't care what you believe, brother. You're gettin' paid to ask the questions. Whether my ribs are busted up or not, I'm gonna defend this World Heavyweight Title, man. It's everything I believe in, all those little Hulksters, and it stands for America, brother! Bundy's goin' down, it doesn't matter about the ribs, Ventura. And as far as Mr. T and Rowdy Roddy Piper: I'm gonna make a prediction that Mr. T's gonna come out on top because he's fightin' for what he believes in too; and Piper, just like a lot of other dudes out here [pointing thumb at Ventura], like you, Ventura, take a lot of shortcuts and go down awful quick!
 Jesse: I'll just say this: good guys don't always finish first.
 Howard Finkel: Ladies and gentlemen, in the fourth round, the referee stops this bout, he awards the decision as a result of a disqualification to Mr. T!
 Piper: If I wanted to come for a picnic, T, I would've packed a lunch.
 [During the Uncle Elmer v. Adorable Adrian Adonis match]
 Elvira: I have never seen so much cellulite in one place at one time, I don't think.
 Jesse: Between the both of them?
 Elvira: No, I was just talking about Adonis.
 Elvira: I never trust a man who wears pink legwarmers.
 Bobby "The Brain" Heenan: No more Hulkamania, no more Hulk this, Hulk that. It's Bundymania from now on.
 ...
 Susan St. James: Bundymania? It doesn't even sound good.
 Jesse: Hulk is coming back with a tape of his own. Now, Alfred Hayes, what do you got to say about the champion?
 Lord Alfred Hayes: Well, that's tit-for-tat, Jesse. What's good for the goose, is good for the gander.
 Jesse: I figured an Englishman like you'd come up with something like that!
 Elvira: You jealous because you don't have a cartoon show, Jesse?
 Jesse: Don't you get on my case either, Elvira, or you won't go out with me later!
 Jesse: Someday, sometime, he's gonna have to showdown with me.
 Elvira: If you win, I'll go out with you.
 Vince McMahon: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the magnificent Silverdome! And welcome to Wrestlemania III! And now here to sing America The Beautiful - the Queen of Soul - Ms Aretha Franklin!!!
 Bob Uecker: Little Beaver reminds me of a girl I went with about 25 years ago. She had the same haircut.
 Uecker: Hey! You see what, hey!
 Jesse "The Body" Ventura: What happened there?
 Uecker: Little Beaver just gave Bundy a shot in the boiler.
 Uecker: It's Moolah! She's here! No wonder you guys are here all the time! The moon is full and so am I! I gotta get with Moolah! I'm leavin', see you guys later!
 Gorilla Monsoon: Look at that, Jess. This is unfair, the outside help to get your man back on his feet.
 Jesse: You're calling that help? He threw him right into the JYD.
 ...
 Jesse: What's a manager for, Monsoon?
 Gorilla: A manager's to give advice, not to physically get involved.
 Jesse: You're starting to irritate me a little.
 Vince: Heavyweight champion of the world in the locker room just one hour away from his moment of destiny.
 Hulk Hogan: Well you know they said it was my last ride man! Yesterday when I finished hanging and banging. When I jumped on the Harley man. As I went thru the intersection. As I headed for the mountains, some of the nonbelievers in the gym said, "See ya later Hulkster, man! This is your last ride." It ate me alive brothers. When I felt the fury as I ripped, as I tore this shirt, as I headed for the sunset man, I looked down brothers, and as the sun beamed off the gold in my eyes, I realized that sooner or later, you gotta live and die and you gotta face the truth. And for you, Andre the Giant, it's time to face the truth brother. Because when I think about what you and I have to do man. What I have to do is nothing. All I have to do is merely beat a seven foot four 550 pound giant. But Andre, you've gotta face the truth brother. In its purest form man. The purest truth there is man. The training, saying your prayers, eating the vitamins. And to beat me man, You've got to beat every little Hulkamaniac, every little Hulkster in the world. Everyone that plays it straight. All the ones that don't take any shortcuts brother. And they usually say "If the dirty air don't get you, the politicians will." But in this case. It's going to be Hulkamania. And the reason it's going to get you man, it's the purest form of the truth there is. And I can't wait to see you go down at the feet of Hulkamania in front of 90,000 plus in the Silverdome. What you gonna do Andre The Giant when the real truth, the 24 inch pythons and Hulkamania runs wild on you?
 [Bobby Heenan comes into the broadcast booth during the Rougeau Brothers/Dream Team match]
 Gorilla: The weasel has just snuck into the broadcast booth. What are you doing here, Heenan?
 Jesse: Welcome to Wrestlemania III.
 Bobby "The Brain" Heenan: Thank you Jesse. First of all, I'll speak at any place. I am two for two, Monsoon! Two for two! Billy Jerk did not beat my man! As far as I'm concerned...
 Gorilla: Well, your man didn't win either.
 Bobby: Just a minute, I'm talking 'cause I'm on a roll here! What happened was he knew he couldn't beat Hercules, so he kept him outside; as far as the Brain's concerned, that's a victory, we win that one! The King—you saw him in the chair, he left with the crown; the miserable Junkyard Dog, he bowed, he curtsied, he did everything we said he'd do! I am on a roll, I am 2-0
 Jesse: Bobby, I'd just like to say—and I went on the record with this—I thought that was the biggest cheap shot I'd ever seen, when the JYD hit the King Harley Race with that chair.
 Gorilla: Let me clear something up here a minute, Brain. You're one-for-three in my book—you didn't win the Hernandez match, King Kong Bundy lost.
 Bobby: I wasn't out there for that match.
 Gorilla: I don't care, he was still one of your men.
 Bobby: I don't care about midgets. I don't even deal with midgets. I don't like midgets. Forget that match. Talk about my career! What I am doing. I'm making history here at Pontiac Silverdome. 2-0!
 [After the Dream Team wins due to Dino Bravo's interference.]
 Gorilla: I suppose you call that fair, Brain.
 Bobby: A win's a win. When you're at WrestleMania, you take what you can get. It's not easy. They got a win. I got two wins and I'm going to have three wins today!
 [Bravo and Johnny Valiant pull Greg Valentine out of the ring and leave Brutus Beefcake inside]
 Gorilla: Look at this. Look at these three beauties, they left Bruti inside..
 Howard Finkel: The winners of this contest: The Dream Team, Brutus Beefcake and Greg "The Hammer" Valentine!
 Gorilla: Well, Beefcake isn't celebrating the victory is he?
 Bobby: Am I on a roll or am I on a roll?
 Jesse: What's the matter with that idiot Beefcake? They got the win. What's he arguing about?
 Gorilla: I don't know. A lot of dissension among the ranks of the Dream Team for sure.
 [Valiant, Bravo and Valentine get on the cart and leave]
 Jesse: Hey, they're leaving Beefcake!
 Gorilla: Look at this! They're leaving Bruti behind.
 Jesse: They're leaving him! I can't believe this. What's the matter with Beefcake? What's the matter with him? He gets the winner's money!
 Gorilla: What's the matter with Johnny V and the rest of his crew? Why are they leaving this guy behind?
 Jesse: I can't believe this. I can't believe Beefcake. He wins the match.
 Gorilla: There they go. Special match upcoming. The adorable one, Adrian Adonis and Rowdy Roddy Piper. A lot of interesting things led up to this one.
 Bobby: How am I doing, Monsoon? Huh? How am I doing?
 Gorilla: Horrible.
 Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, at this time I would like to introduce to you a man who allegedly tells it like it is—Jesse "The Body" Ventura!
 Jesse: Hey, what are you talkin' about, "allegedly" tells it like it is. I am the man who tells it like it is!
 Mary Hart: Can we just clear one thing up? It's very important for everybody to understand that Jimmy and I are not related. At one time, I might have wanted to claim that, but since he has Danny on his team, and Danny is not exactly...I just wanna let everybody know that as much as I'd like to be rooting for The Hart Foundation, I just can't under the circumstances.
 Mary: We're going to have to rename Dynamite, Firecracker if he doesn't shape up now.
 Mean Gene Okerlund: With me at this time, manager Bobby "The Brain" Heenan, and I'm privileged to be standing next to the most extraordinary athlete of all time. He is not elected until this date to challenge Hulk Hogan for the Heavyweight Championship, and this afternoon at WrestleMania III, Bobby Heenan, your man, André the Giant will be doing just that.
 Bobby: You bet he's going to be doing just that. He's going to become the heavyweight champion of the world and I'll tell you why. First of all, the man is undefeated in over 15 years as a professional athlete. Hulk Hogan has never been in the ring or met a man bigger than him, stronger than him, taller than him, that weighs more than him, and with a burning will inside more than Andre the Giant. You see Hogan, few short hours from now that clock is ticking, and it's ticking in our direction, not yours. Hulkamania is over. Hulkamania is dead. The doors going to be shut on the history books on Hulk Hogan once and for all. There is a new Heavyweight Champion of the world. The odds on favorite in Las Vegas and all over the whole wrestling world, they're picking Andre the Giant. Nobody can defeat this man. Nobody even can come close to defeating this man. And Hogan, I know it's happening to you now because it's happening to me. The butterflies are in my stomach. The adrenaline's flowing thru my veins and I'm getting ready, 'cause I'm gonna manage the Heavyweight Champion of the world. And Hogan, hey you've had three good years. You've got nothing to look back on. But it's all over. Andre the Giant, the new heavyweight champion of the world.
 Mean Gene: The biggest Heavyweight Title bout of all time. Andre the Giant to meet Hulk Hogan.
 Gorilla: Jess, I wanna go on record of saying you were one of the guys—you and the weasel-breath Bobby "The Brain" Heenan—who said that this guy would never step back in the ring.
 Jesse: Well, I'll go on the record, he surprised me. You know, they said he's got a lot of heart; but I personally say he's got a lot of throat, because it wasn't the heart that got hurt.
 [Savage has sent Steamboat over the railing into the crowd]
 Jesse: What's Dave Hebner doing? He should be counting Steamboat right here.
 Gorilla: He's reprimanding the champion.
 Jesse: [As George Steele is helping Steamboat back in the ring] Yeah, but he's giving Steamboat a chance to recover and he's letting Animal Steele out there. Now look at, you talked earlier on about how managers should not be touching people and helping people–look what's going on out there.
 Gorilla: He's not a manager, he's a friend.
 Jesse: Oh that's different then. He should've been counted out by Dave Hebner, the referee. I've already counted to 20.
 Gorilla: [after Savage kicks Steamboat in the head] Oh, he put his head down. I don't blame him, he's probably exhausted.
 [Savage runs at Steamboat, who backdrops him over the top rope]
 Gorilla and Jesse: OH!!!
 Gorilla: Backdropped right over the top.
 Jesse: That should be a disqualification. That was an intentional throw over the top by Steamboat to save himself.
 Gorilla: Just like the deliberate clothesline; I'd say they're even right now, Jess.
 Jesse: I tell you, you got an answer for everything, Gorilla.
 Gorilla: Well, that's why I'm here—to keep you in line.
 [As Savage climbs to the top rope with the bell, Steele shoves him off]
 Jesse: Flagrant interference from the outside.
 Gorilla: The Animal pushed him right off. I think the bell rang Savage in the head, Jess. But the champ still in control... [Savage attempts to bodyslam Steamboat, who grabs the leg and rolls into a small package] No, small package by the Dragon.
 [Hebner counts to three]
 Jesse: No!
 Gorilla: He got him! I don't believe it! History is made!
 Jesse: You talk about a miscarriage of justice, Monsoon! Flagrant outside interference on the part of Animal Steele!
 Gorilla: History made here in the Silverdome for WrestleMania III!
 Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this contest...and NEW Intercontinental Champion: Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat!
 Gorilla: Standing ovation by this capacity crowd, Elizabeth was in tears, Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat the new Intercontinental Heavyweight Champion.
 Jesse: Well, all I've got to say, Gorilla Monsoon, is that Steamboat'd better cut that belt in half and give half of it to George "The Animal" Steele, because without "Animal" Steele's flagrant interference, "Macho Man" Randy Savage would've won; he had Steamboat pinned for 30 or 40 seconds. Deny that.
 Gorilla: But the referee was out of it, Jess. I'm not denying that fact.
 Gorilla: I don't wanna hear the Honky Tonk Man sing.
 Jesse: Really? You'd rather hear Alice sing?
 Gorilla: Well, yeah, or anybody else, for that matter.
 Jesse: I'd like to see Jimmy Hart get his hands on Alice Cooper.
 Gorilla: Please, are you kidding? All 101 pounds of him.
 Jesse: Hey, Alice don't weigh but about 112 and a quarter.
 Gorilla: Yeah, but Alice's got snakes, Jess.
 Howard: Ladies and Gentleman, may I have your attention please? I have just been informed that we have a very special announcement and here to give the announcement is the World Wrestling Federation's own - Mean Gene Okerlund!
 [Mean Gene enters the ring to a huge round of applause and then grabs the microphone to make the history making announcement]
 Mean Gene: Alright, Ladies and gentlemen. We all are part of history in the making here this afternoon for WrestleMania III. I have come to the Silverdome, like you to be part of this historic date: March the twenty-ninth 1987. Thanks to our millions of fans all around the world, and a special thanks as we have established - all of us - a brand new indoor attendance record - of 93,173. Give yourself a big hand.
 [The audience cheers as the spotlights roam the arena]
 Jesse: Wow!
 Gorilla: 93,173 here in the Silverdome, Pontiac, Michigan.
 Mean Gene: Let's hear it!
 Gorilla: History has indeed been made.
 Jesse: Bigger than the Rolling Stones.
 Gorilla: You got that right.
 Jesse: Broke the record that the Rolling Stones set in New Orleans. 93,173 — Gorilla, did they count you and I in that, or is it 175?
 Gorilla: I don't think they counted you and I, Jess.
 Jesse: Well then I think we should bump it up two more.
 [Nikolai Volkoff is starting to sing the Soviet National Anthem prior to the match between The Killer Bees and himself and The Iron Sheik when Hacksaw Jim Duggan runs down the aisle and chases them outside the ring.]
 Hacksaw Jim Duggan: Volkoff. Volkoff understand one thing, you're not singing that Russian National Anthem. Because this is the land of the free, and the home of the brave!!!
 Mean Gene: Andre the Giant, just moments away from your stepping through the ropes and into the ring to meet Hulk Hogan in the biggest title match of all time. I want get your thoughts.
 André The Giant: Gene, you see me now. And I'm going to the ring and believe me, it's not going to take me too long to come back right in front of the camera with the World Championship belt around my waist.
 Mean Gene: Bobby?
 Bobby: Oh I can feel it. Oh the adrenaline's going! This man right here is going to make me famous. He's going to become the Heavyweight Champion of the world, and I'm going to go down in the history books as the manager of the World's Heavyweight Champion. I'm ready. Hogan, you'd better be ready!
 Mean Gene: Moments away from the biggest Heavyweight Title defense of this man ever. Hulk Hogan, you've got to be ready.
 Hogan: Well you know, I hope Pontiac, Michigan, recovers man. I'm glad I snuck in early last night, brother. I didn't realize the interstates, the Pontiac Silverdome was in danger. Not the 90,000 plus on the inside. It's the 90,000 plus on the outside of the Silverdome. Those are the ones I'm worried about, because when I get my hands on that big nasty giant. When he faces the truth, when he feels the wrath of Hulkamania. The day the whole Earth is going to shake. What are those 90,000 plus Hulkamaniacs on the outside gonna think? I'm not worried about the people on the closed circuit. I'm not worried about the people all around the world. They'll see it! But the intensity of Hulkamania. The way it's turned this whole state upside down. The way the whole world's turned upside down. What are they gonna think when the giant hits the ground, he feels the wrath of Hulkamania and the whole world shakes at my feet?
 Mean Gene: We could conceivably blow the roof off this great facility, the Silverdome.
 Jesse: [said at every WrestleMania] I wanna say hi to Terry, Tyrel, and Jade in Minneapolis.
 Uecker: This is the main event of the evening. It is for the World Wrestling Federation Championship. It is scheduled for one fall with a one hour time limit. First, the challenger, accompanied by his manager, Bobby "the Brain" Heenan. He hails from Grenoble in the French Alps, he weighs 520 pounds, Andre the Giant!
 Gorilla: An awesome figure. The 7'5" figure of Andre the Giant who has literally been brainwashed by that man right there, Bobby "the Brain" Heenan.
 Jesse: No, I disagree with you a little, Gorilla. The man has never had a championship title match. Don't you feel, in a 15-year illustrious career, that he should be granted one shot at the title?
 Gorilla: Jess, the man never, #1, asked for a title match, and #2, never wanted a title match. To my knowledge.
 Jesse: Never wanted it? Your knowledge is wrong, because right here he's got one, and he definitely asked for it—he ripped the shirt off the champion, as well as the crucifix. I figure that's a direct way of asking for it.
 Gorilla: Yes, it certainly is, but all that came at the provocation of that guy right there with the white waiter's jacket on, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.
 Jesse: There he is—7'5", 525, neck 24, chest 71, biceps 21, hands 16, wrists 11 inches, forearms 17, thighs 36, calves 22.
 Gorilla:: You could be looking at the next heavyweight champion of the world.
 Jesse:: And I just gave you the tale of the tape!
 Uecker: And now his opponent. He is from Venice Beach, California. Weighing in at 294 pounds. He is the World Wrestling Federation Heavyweight champion, Hulk Hogan!
 Gorilla: The roof of the Silverdome about to explode here! As the Hulkster greets and these 93,000 plus greet him. You're looking at the greatest professional athlete in the world today. The world's heavyweight champion.
 Jesse: Well right now Gorilla, he may not be a few minutes from now. Let me run it down. Hogan—6'8", 294, neck 21, chest 58, biceps at a phenomenal 24 inches, forearms 18, wrists 9 inches, hands 13 and a half, thighs 30 and a half, calves 20, the tale of the tape!
 Gorilla: Look at the stare of the champion against the challenger. The irresistible force meeting the immovable object.
 Jesse: Look at the size of the Giant! I mean Hogan is 6'8"
 Gorilla: Andre is 7'5"! The bell has gone, this one is officially underway. Look at the look of the disdain on the face of Andre.
 Jesse: What's Hogan saying to him I wonder? What could Hogan possibly be saying to him?
 Gorilla: Certainly like to be able to read lips at this point.
 Jesse: He's almost, he's hulking up right now!
 Gorilla: Shove by Andre and the champion retaliates. Oh, big right hand blocked by the champion and the Hulkster unloading! Going for a slam! Oh, he almost got him up. Oh, he collapsed! One, two. [Hulk kicks out] Two count only.
 Jesse: Two count? Was that two or was that three?
 Gorilla: Two count only.
 Jesse: Ooh, that was close, Gorilla!
 Gorilla: Shoulder was up.
 Jesse: Oh, was that close. Andre thinks he's won it just like that. Hogan is hurt! Hogan went for a bodyslam early in the bout and he may have injured his back.
 Gorilla: May have hurt that lower back area for sure with that extreme weight of Andre the Giant. Referee showing the timekeeper that it was a two count and the shoulder came up.
 Gorilla: He's hulking up, Jess! We're seeing what this guy is made of! What he is! The greatest professional in the world today--
 [Hulk Hogan scoops up Andre the Giant]
 Gorilla: Look at this!
 Jesse: HE SLAMMED HIM!
 Gorilla: [overlapping]: HE SLAMMED THE GIANT!
 Jesse: I DON'T BELIEVE IT! I DON'T BELIEVE IT!
 Gorilla: Hulk dropping the big leg! Over for the cover! [Hulk pins Andre] IT'S OVER!
 Jesse: HE GOT HIM! UNBELIEVABLE! I never thought it could be done Gorilla!
 Gorilla: Neither did these 93,000 plus as the world's heavyweight champion, Hulk Hogan has proven to everyone what he's made of.
 Jesse: What can I say? I never thought it could be done, Gorilla Monsoon.
 Gorilla: He's thanking the guy upstairs Jess, as he always does. Let's get the official announcement.
 Uecker: The winner of the bout, and still World Wrestling Federation Heavyweight Champion — Hulk Hogan!!
 Gorilla: Listen to the ovation. He is truly a Real American Jess.
 Jesse: What could I say? I'm the man who tells it like it is. I'll give credit where credit is due. I never thought the man could ever defeat Andre the Giant.
 Gorilla: Never underestimate the ability of the World's Heavyweight Champion Hulk Hogan - he proved a lot of guys wrong Jesse.
 Jesse: That he did Gorilla.
 Gorilla: You're looking at a tremendous individual. [Andre and Bobby Heenan prepare to leave the arena, but not before Andre threatens Hulk saying I'll be back]
 Jesse: That's the first time in 15 years that Andre the Giant had ever been defeated.
 Gorilla: Ever been slammed for that matter Jesse.
 Jesse: Wow. And that's 525 lbs and that's not dead barbell weight, that's 525 pounds of living flesh that he picked up and slammed.
 Jesse "The Body" Ventura: You know Uecker, if Vanna White is great taste then she's less filling then.
 Bob Uecker: Yes I'm really familiar with that.
 Jesse: Hey Uecker! I'll bet you never saw anything like this when you were in baseball!
 Uecker: Nah, this looks like the final day of cut down day in Spring Training!
 Uecker: [during the invitational battle royal] Dr. Frank Jobe would have a picnic at this thing.
 Jesse: Hey, Uecker, know something?
 Uecker: Yeah, what?
 Jesse: With your lifetime batting average of .200, that means with every swing, you could only hit one guy out of five.
 Uecker: Well, at least the guys that went out first got their per diem money.
 Gorilla Monsoon: Well...
 Uecker: You know what I mean?
 Gorilla: Yes, I know.
 Uecker: It's the only way to go.
 Gorilla: Please! I'm going to have trouble broadcasting with the Body and Uecker here.
 Uecker: [After Ken Patera eliminated Nikolai Volkoff, he gets Boris Zhukoff out as well] Hey U.S.A is in! Yes sir!
 Jesse: [Bad News Brown eliminates Patera from behind] Yeah there went U.S.A., Uecker.
 Jesse: That's kinda like talking to the third base coach before you lay down the bunt, Uecker. Then again, in your case, Ueck, you gotta make contact with the ball.
 Robin Leach: [reading proclamation] "Whereas the World Wrestling Federation has experienced certain extraordinary circumstances concerning the Championship, and whereas the World Wrestling Federation sought to establish a fair and just way to diligently determine who should be the undisputed WWF Champion, and whereas WrestleMania IV has selected as the specific site to determine who will be the undisputed Champion by way of an elimination championship tournament, and whereas the top 14 competitors in the World Wrestling Federation have been selected and paired and are present in readiness to compete, I now proclaim that the championship tournament should begin." With champagne wishes and caviar dreams, may the best man win. I'm Robin Leach and I do know why.
 Jesse: You know what'd be unique that just came to mind to me, Gorilla? Let's say if DiBiase advances here, and let's say Andre beats Hogan, that means that DiBiase and Andre would face each other...correct?
 Gorilla: Not necessarily—if DiBiase's victorious here, he has to meet the winner of the Muraco/Bravo match.
 Jesse: Right, but let's just say that DiBiase wins twice, it could end up Andre/DiBiase; what will happen?
 Gorilla: Well, money will talk, I think, Jess.
 Jesse: You think Andre'd step aside, or will DiBiase step aside and let Andre go forward, feeling he's the unbeatable man?
 Gorilla: Well, it's possible, but he tried that before, and he knows that he can't get the belt without beating the champion.
 Uecker: For what you did to that dog, the ASPCKGBY ought to be on you forever.
 Bobby: I don't have to take insults from you or anybody else. You talk about people writing in letters? You had over 700,000 votes to get into the Hall of Fame. You'd have had a lot more than that, but you ran out of stamps.
 Jesse: What was your biggest weight that you wrestled at?
 Gorilla: 440. Superheavyweight.
 Jesse: 440. The heck did you eat when you weighed 440?
 Gorilla: Just about everything...
 Jesse: I know, you were on a see-food diet, right? You ate everything you saw.
 Jesse: I know right where Vanna's at, but I just can't say my room number over the air.
 Gorilla: It takes a man-and-a-half to do that.
 Jesse: What, to sit out there and pose?
 [Tito Santana hits Demolition Ax with his flying formarm.]
 Jesse: Chico learned that move in the Mexican Football League. The MFL.
 Uecker: Introducing first: accompanied by himself...uh-uh—he's got the big boy with him, Andre the Giant. Here is the Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase.
 [On the Twin Towers—Akeem and the Big Bossman]
 Gorilla Monsoon: Biggest tag team in professional wrestling today, bar none.
 Jesse "The Body" Ventura: Well, I won't argue with that unless you've got a double, Gorilla.
 Gorilla: Million dollar champion? Who did he beat?
 Jesse: I know who he beat. He beat the banker.
 [During the match between Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake and Ted DiBiase]
 Gorilla: If you make a mistake in this league, it'll cost you the match.
 Jesse: But not the Million Dollar Belt.
 Gorilla: No, definitely not, because the guy wouldn't put it up.
 Jesse: Yeah, but you know, you think about it Gorilla, what is Brutus putting up for collateral?
 Gorilla: His reputation.
 Jesse: Aw, that's worth about two cents.
 Jesse: [on the Bushwhackers' walk to the ring] Gorilla, I noticed you the other night walking through the casino looking like that.
 Gorilla: Me?! Walking through it looking like that?
 Jesse: Walking like that. Why is that?
 Gorilla: Was I? Well, sometimes it happens. You know, you get caught...
 Jesse: Were you hittin' the joy juice, Go