Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory

communication-methods-mel-robbings.txt

credit: https://youtu.be/x48578Nmt1M

## Self-Communication (Changing Self-Talk)

**Technique:** Change the way you communicate with yourself, shifting from a critical "bully" inner voice to a supportive "best friend" inner voice.

**Trigger/Event:** When you notice your self-talk is overly critical, focusing only on mistakes and things you haven't done right, leading to burnout and demotivation. Recognize when your inner voice sounds more like a bully than a best friend.

**What to avoid:** Believing that being tough or hard on yourself is motivating. This approach is counterproductive and leads to burnout. Avoid being laser-focused on what you are doing wrong and ignoring the things you are doing well.

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## Self-Improvement Project

**Technique:** When feeling stuck and unsure of what to change in life, make self-improvement your primary project. Focus on areas like health (physical or mental) or learning a new skill.

**Trigger/Event:** When you feel lost, frustrated, and don't know what specific change to make in your career, relationships, or life path. When you recognize that the way your life feels no longer works for you.

**What to avoid:** Staying stagnant because you don't know exactly what you want to change. Don't let the lack of a specific external goal prevent you from taking action to improve yourself internally.

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## Backward and Forward Life Perspective

**Technique:** To overcome discouragement, look back at your life to see how past experiences, even negative ones, have led you to where you are now, providing skills and wisdom. Then, look forward with hope, viewing the current "stuck" moment as a temporary brick in your life's path, believing it will contribute to a better future you may not yet see.

**Trigger/Event:** When feeling discouraged, believing that things won't work out for you, and that your efforts are futile.

**What to avoid:** Letting discouragement convince you not to take any action. Avoid getting trapped in the feeling that "it's not going to work" and instead use past experiences as evidence of your resilience and future potential.

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## Let Them Theory

**Technique:** When dealing with difficult people or in situations that trigger fear of conflict, guilt, or people-pleasing, use the "Let Them Theory". This involves consciously deciding to "let them" have their feelings, reactions, and behaviors without letting your fear of those reactions control your decisions and actions. Focus on managing your own reactions, decisions, time, energy, and truth.

**Trigger/Event:** Moments when you are nervous, annoyed, or afraid of someone else's reaction; when you are people-pleasing; when you are about to freeze up in a difficult conversation; when you are feeling guilt-tripped. Specific examples include: dealing with a friend's potential disappointment or passive-aggression when declining an unwanted invitation.

**What to avoid:** Letting your fear of others' reactions stop you from making decisions that are right for you. Don't try to control other people's emotions, reactions, or immature behavior. Avoid giving your power away to other people's potential reactions.

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## "Let Me" - Self-Accountability (Part of Let Them Theory)

**Technique:** Focus on the "Let Me" part of the theory, which emphasizes self-accountability. Hold yourself accountable to your own standards, values, compassion, and character. Take responsibility for your own actions, intentions, and the kind of person you want to be.

**Trigger/Event:** When applying the "Let Them Theory," ensure you don't become passive or withdrawn. When feeling tempted to focus solely on others' behavior, redirect focus to your own responsibilities and standards.

**What to avoid:** Using "Let Them" as an excuse to become passive or withdraw from relationships or situations. Avoid solely focusing on controlling others' accountability and instead prioritize your own. Do not use "Let Them" as a way to feel superior to others.

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## Normalize "Thinking of You" Texts

**Technique:** When texting someone, normalize sending messages that are simply to express you are thinking of them and hoping they are doing well, without expecting an immediate response or gratification.

**Trigger/Event:** When you feel the urge to text someone, consider if your intention is genuinely to connect or if it is driven by loneliness and a need for validation.

**What to avoid:** Texting someone primarily with the expectation of receiving immediate gratification or validation in return. Avoid placing unspoken expectations on others to respond promptly or in a specific way.

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## Communicate Needs (Instead of Silent Treatment)

**Technique:** Communicate your needs and desires directly and clearly instead of resorting to silent treatment or passive-aggressive behavior when they are not met.

**Trigger/Event:** When you feel unmet needs or desires in relationships and are tempted to become silent, withdrawn, or punish others for not fulfilling them without explicit communication.

**What to avoid:** Punishing others for not meeting unspoken needs or desires. Avoid expecting others to read your mind or know what you want without you communicating it. Don't be disrespectful by punishing people due to your silence and inability to communicate.

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## Choosing to Love Difficult People (Conscious Choice and Boundaries)

**Technique:** Recognize that loving difficult people is a choice, not an obligation. If you choose to love them, do so consciously by setting boundaries, managing your time and energy, and accepting them for who they are, without expecting them to change.

**Trigger/Event:** When dealing with challenging individuals, especially family members, and feeling obligated to love them unconditionally, leading to conflict and frustration.

**What to avoid:** Feeling obligated to love difficult people regardless of their behavior or impact on you. Avoid gaslighting yourself into a fantasy of who you wish the difficult person would be. Don't waste energy wishing they were different.

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## Protecting Your Peace (Micro-Moments)

**Technique:** Apply the "Let Them Theory" in micro-moments of daily stress and frustration (e.g., traffic, customer service issues, rude behavior) to protect your peace and prevent these small stresses from accumulating and negatively impacting your overall mood and communication.

**Trigger/Event:** Experiencing everyday frustrations and stressors that cause your stress levels to rise, leading to potential negative reactions towards loved ones or in other communications.

**What to avoid:** Allowing small, external stressors to steal your life force and build up throughout the day, leading to burnout, irritability, and poor communication. Avoid letting dumb things on the outside affect your inner peace.