This has been transcribed from a youtube video I can no longer find.
40. Hypersensitive to disrespect
a) Shame is born in an environment where the child is treated as if they aren't important (at least not as important as those in authority), or a burden, or a mistake, or a failure. It is an environment where they aren't respected
b) Disrespect hurts a lot. It spits on my value. It rubs salt in my wound
c) Disrespect can be verbal, but it can also be felt by how people treat me – as less than, as stupid, as undesirable, not seeing/hearing me, ignoring me
d) Complex Trauma is an environment where the disrespect is ongoing from the significant people in the child's life. As a result, the child begins to believe that everybody looks down on them
e) This results in them reading disrespect into situations where there is no disrespect at all
f) After a seminar – people come up to ask questions. I was talking to someone; someone else tried to butt in; I put up my hand and respectfully asked them to wait until I was done with this person. Left mad; said I disrespected them
d) Complex Trauma is an environment where the disrespect is ongoing from the significant people in the child's life. As a result, the child begins to believe that everybody looks down on them
e) This results in them reading disrespect into situations where there is no disrespect at all
f) After a seminar – people come up to ask questions. I was talking to someone; someone else tried to butt in; I put up my hand and respectfully asked them to wait until I was done with this person. Left mad; said I disrespected them
g) Disrespect creates a powerful reaction in many. The moment they feel disrespect, they lash out. They disrespect the person who is disrespecting them. This can do a lot of damage in relationships
41. Hypersensitive to criticism
a) Many children in Complex Trauma were criticized
i. Verbally ii. By being made to feel they weren't good enough iii. It didn't matter what they did, there was an unrealistic standard that they couldn't meet iv. By being compared to others, and always coming up short
b) We can accept criticism when we know we have done something wrong – something that violates love. But to be criticized for doing our best, for being authentic, really hurts and is very discouraging. It’s unfair
c) When we need validation, criticism hurts a lot. It feels like rejection. It reinforces the message that no matter what we do, we’ll never be good enough – shame
d) As a result, many develop an intense reaction to anything that they perceive as criticism. We never want to be made to look bad again
e) The problem is that sometimes the other person isn't criticizing us at all. They are just: i. Giving a different opinion ii. Giving helpful feedback iii. Pointing out a legitimate mistake iv. Offering helpful input
f) They can easily get to the place where they think that not being critical means:
i. You can never disagree with me ii. You’ll never call me on my stuff, when I violate love iii. If you’re not for me, you’re against me iv. Loyalty to me means that you will never criticize me v. Note: It leads to very distorted, narcissistic thinking
42. Image is more important than reality
a) Shame concludes that they will never be loved and respected based on their authentic self (their internal world), but they still long to be loved and respected. The only way to get it is by creating an impressive external world (their image)
b) This now becomes all important. What people think of me controls everything; and I only have one way to influence it – act perfect, be impressive externally
c) Family going out in public – everybody dolled up, emphasis placed on manners. Behind closed doors, a totally different story
d) This means I must not let people get to know the real me. I must keep lots of secrets (and I must require those close to me to also keep those secrets)
e) This means living with a constant insecurity, a fear of losing what I have, or of something going wrong that could mess up my image
43. Many insecurities
a) Shame – hide parts of me that were rejected – punished, teased, criticized
i. But what about parts I can’t hide? Body, skills, brains. Deep insecurity
ii. What happens if hidden part somehow comes out into the open? Cry, sad, sensitive, anger, fear. Deep insecurity
iii. What happens if what I base my value on is threatened? Money, position, body. Deep insecurity
b) What causes a young child to feel secure?
i. Having physical and emotional needs met
ii. Being attached/connected to a rock – somebody strong and consistent
iii. Being unconditionally loved and accepted
iv. Note: If parents don’t attach, child feels deep insecurity, thinking that it’s something wrong with them. This results in them approaching all relationships with that feeling
44. Promise more than they can deliver
a) So badly want others to love them and respect them that they will promise more than they can deliver
b) They think they have to make themselves bigger than they are to be accepted and liked; that being human or authentic will not get them any respect, just disdain
c) Note: They often spend a ton of time trying to wiggle out of all the things they promised