oh PHP how I not miss thee.php

// For today's WTF moment, I present to you:
//
// The wp_get_archives function from WordPress 2.9.2 (the latest)
//
// ...but wait, there's more! The total line count for the file this
// can be found in (general-template.php): 2049 lines.
//
// Save me jeebas!
function wp_get_archives($args = '') {
	global $wpdb, $wp_locale;

	$defaults = array(
		'type' => 'monthly', 'limit' => '',
		'format' => 'html', 'before' => '',
		'after' => '', 'show_post_count' => false,
		'echo' => 1
	);

	$r = wp_parse_args( $args, $defaults );
	extract( $r, EXTR_SKIP );

	if ( '' == $type )
		$type = 'monthly';

	if ( '' != $limit ) {
		$limit = absint($limit);
		$limit = ' LIMIT '.$limit;
	}

	// this is what will separate dates on weekly archive links
	$archive_week_separator = '–';

	// over-ride general date format ? 0 = no: use the date format set in Options, 1 = yes: over-ride
	$archive_date_format_over_ride = 0;

	// options for daily archive (only if you over-ride the general date format)
	$archive_day_date_format = 'Y/m/d';

	// options for weekly archive (only if you over-ride the general date format)
	$archive_week_start_date_format = 'Y/m/d';
	$archive_week_end_date_format	= 'Y/m/d';

	if ( !$archive_date_format_over_ride ) {
		$archive_day_date_format = get_option('date_format');
		$archive_week_start_date_format = get_option('date_format');
		$archive_week_end_date_format = get_option('date_format');
	}

	//filters
	$where = apply_filters('getarchives_where', "WHERE post_type = 'post' AND post_status = 'publish'", $r );
	$join = apply_filters('getarchives_join', "", $r);

	$output = '';

	if ( 'monthly' == $type ) {
		$query = "SELECT YEAR(post_date) AS `year`, MONTH(post_date) AS `month`, count(ID) as posts FROM $wpdb->posts $join $where GROUP BY YEAR(post_date), MONTH(post_date) ORDER BY post_date DESC $limit";
		$key = md5($query);
		$cache = wp_cache_get( 'wp_get_archives' , 'general');
		if ( !isset( $cache[ $key ] ) ) {
			$arcresults = $wpdb->get_results($query);
			$cache[ $key ] = $arcresults;
			wp_cache_add( 'wp_get_archives', $cache, 'general' );
		} else {
			$arcresults = $cache[ $key ];
		}
		if ( $arcresults ) {
			$afterafter = $after;
			foreach ( (array) $arcresults as $arcresult ) {
				$url = get_month_link( $arcresult->year, $arcresult->month );
				/* translators: 1: month name, 2: 4-digit year */
				$text = sprintf(__('%1$s %2$d'), $wp_locale->get_month($arcresult->month), $arcresult->year);
				if ( $show_post_count )
					$after = ' ('.$arcresult->posts.')' . $afterafter;
				$output .= get_archives_link($url, $text, $format, $before, $after);
			}
		}
	} elseif ('yearly' == $type) {
		$query = "SELECT YEAR(post_date) AS `year`, count(ID) as posts FROM $wpdb->posts $join $where GROUP BY YEAR(post_date) ORDER BY post_date DESC $limit";
		$key = md5($query);
		$cache = wp_cache_get( 'wp_get_archives' , 'general');
		if ( !isset( $cache[ $key ] ) ) {
			$arcresults = $wpdb->get_results($query);
			$cache[ $key ] = $arcresults;
			wp_cache_add( 'wp_get_archives', $cache, 'general' );
		} else {
			$arcresults = $cache[ $key ];
		}
		if ($arcresults) {
			$afterafter = $after;
			foreach ( (array) $arcresults as $arcresult) {
				$url = get_year_link($arcresult->year);
				$text = sprintf('%d', $arcresult->year);
				if ($show_post_count)
					$after = ' ('.$arcresult->posts.')' . $afterafter;
				$output .= get_archives_link($url, $text, $format, $before, $after);
			}
		}
	} elseif ( 'daily' == $type ) {
		$query = "SELECT YEAR(post_date) AS `year`, MONTH(post_date) AS `month`, DAYOFMONTH(post_date) AS `dayofmonth`, count(ID) as posts FROM $wpdb->posts $join $where GROUP BY YEAR(post_date), MONTH(post_date), DAYOFMONTH(post_date) ORDER BY post_date DESC $limit";
		$key = md5($query);
		$cache = wp_cache_get( 'wp_get_archives' , 'general');
		if ( !isset( $cache[ $key ] ) ) {
			$arcresults = $wpdb->get_results($query);
			$cache[ $key ] = $arcresults;
			wp_cache_add( 'wp_get_archives', $cache, 'general' );
		} else {
			$arcresults = $cache[ $key ];
		}
		if ( $arcresults ) {
			$afterafter = $after;
			foreach ( (array) $arcresults as $arcresult ) {
				$url	= get_day_link($arcresult->year, $arcresult->month, $arcresult->dayofmonth);
				$date = sprintf('%1$d-%2$02d-%3$02d 00:00:00', $arcresult->year, $arcresult->month, $arcresult->dayofmonth);
				$text = mysql2date($archive_day_date_format, $date);
				if ($show_post_count)
					$after = ' ('.$arcresult->posts.')'.$afterafter;
				$output .= get_archives_link($url, $text, $format, $before, $after);
			}
		}
	} elseif ( 'weekly' == $type ) {
		$start_of_week = get_option('start_of_week');
		$query = "SELECT DISTINCT WEEK(post_date, $start_of_week) AS `week`, YEAR(post_date) AS yr, DATE_FORMAT(post_date, '%Y-%m-%d') AS yyyymmdd, count(ID) as posts FROM $wpdb->posts $join $where GROUP BY WEEK(post_date, $start_of_week), YEAR(post_date) ORDER BY post_date DESC $limit";
		$key = md5($query);
		$cache = wp_cache_get( 'wp_get_archives' , 'general');
		if ( !isset( $cache[ $key ] ) ) {
			$arcresults = $wpdb->get_results($query);
			$cache[ $key ] = $arcresults;
			wp_cache_add( 'wp_get_archives', $cache, 'general' );
		} else {
			$arcresults = $cache[ $key ];
		}
		$arc_w_last = '';
		$afterafter = $after;
		if ( $arcresults ) {
				foreach ( (array) $arcresults as $arcresult ) {
					if ( $arcresult->week != $arc_w_last ) {
						$arc_year = $arcresult->yr;
						$arc_w_last = $arcresult->week;
						$arc_week = get_weekstartend($arcresult->yyyymmdd, get_option('start_of_week'));
						$arc_week_start = date_i18n($archive_week_start_date_format, $arc_week['start']);
						$arc_week_end = date_i18n($archive_week_end_date_format, $arc_week['end']);
						$url  = sprintf('%1$s/%2$s%3$sm%4$s%5$s%6$sw%7$s%8$d', get_option('home'), '', '?', '=', $arc_year, '&', '=', $arcresult->week);
						$text = $arc_week_start . $archive_week_separator . $arc_week_end;
						if ($show_post_count)
							$after = ' ('.$arcresult->posts.')'.$afterafter;
						$output .= get_archives_link($url, $text, $format, $before, $after);
					}
				}
		}
	} elseif ( ( 'postbypost' == $type ) || ('alpha' == $type) ) {
		$orderby = ('alpha' == $type) ? "post_title ASC " : "post_date DESC ";
		$query = "SELECT * FROM $wpdb->posts $join $where ORDER BY $orderby $limit";
		$key = md5($query);
		$cache = wp_cache_get( 'wp_get_archives' , 'general');
		if ( !isset( $cache[ $key ] ) ) {
			$arcresults = $wpdb->get_results($query);
			$cache[ $key ] = $arcresults;
			wp_cache_add( 'wp_get_archives', $cache, 'general' );
		} else {
			$arcresults = $cache[ $key ];
		}
		if ( $arcresults ) {
			foreach ( (array) $arcresults as $arcresult ) {
				if ( $arcresult->post_date != '0000-00-00 00:00:00' ) {
					$url  = get_permalink($arcresult);
					$arc_title = $arcresult->post_title;
					if ( $arc_title )
						$text = strip_tags(apply_filters('the_title', $arc_title));
					else
						$text = $arcresult->ID;
					$output .= get_archives_link($url, $text, $format, $before, $after);
				}
			}
		}
	}
	if ( $echo )
		echo $output;
	else
		return $output;
}

Uh oh, spaghetti-code!

Best thing about it is that it still probably doesn't do what you'd want:

"WP template tags: None of the options you need, none of the code you can read"