gistfile1.md

##Why You Do The Things You Do - Chapter 1 Study Guide

####The Big 5 Attachment Theory Factors

• Seeks clearness in times of trouble
• Safe Haven
• Exploration
• Separation -> Anxiety/Anger
• Loss -> Grief

####Fundamental Questions that are always asked in any relationship:

• Are you there for me? Can I count on you?
• Do you really care about me?
• Am I worthy of your love and protection?
• What do I have to do to get your attention, your affection, your heart?

[img] Secure: I'm ok - you're ok Avoidant: I'm ok - you're not ok Ambivalent: I'm not ok - you're ok Disorganized: I'm not ok - you're not ok

Relationships are Everything

####Stages of Separation

• Stage One: Protest
• Stage Two: Despair
• Stage Three: Detachment

Mom's Matter...and do do Dads!

###Soul Wounds ####Attachment injuries can result when:

• The caregiver or lved one is simply not available, physically or emotionally, due to his or her own emotional distress or discomfort with closeness.
• The caregiver is willing but no able to be there.
• The caregiver wants to be available and normally would be there, but is absent emotionally - if not physically as well - at a crucial development phase or during a time of crisis.
• The parent or loved one is there, but instead of provifing a safe haven, he or she uses insesitive, off-putting, embarassing, or sarcastic language with the needy child or adult.
• The caregiver is there but is smothering and overly concerned about safety and protection, not allowing the child or loved one the freedom to explore the world and gain confidence about mastering life's skills.

####Some circumstances and events that wound children and adults

• Minor Injury/Short Duration

• Parent shows up late to pick up child.
• Parent is upset, tensem and stressed.
• Parent has flu and is temporarily unavailable to the child.
• Adult occassionaly fails to keep a promise.
• Spouse does of town for a week.

• Minor Injury/Long Duration

• Caregiver is constantly unavailble.
• Parent is never there for the big things: first baseball game, school play, karate practice, dance lessons, etc.
• Parents divorce amicably without post-divorce conflict.
• Spouse works too much in roder to avoid home life.
• Adult is emotionally distant.
• Adult demonstrates ongoing insesitivity.
• Spouse is uninvolved in family life.

• Severe Injury/Short Duration

• Parent goes to hospital for a week.
• Child is sick, and parent is unavailable.
• Child gets lost for brief period of time.
• Spouse has an extramarital affair.
• Adults engage in instense arguments and verbal abuse.
• Physical or sexual abuse occurs more than one or two times.
• Complicated grif after loss of parent(s).

• Severe Injury/Long Duration

• Parents have an abusive marriage.
• Parents divorce with ongoing conflicts post-divorce - e.g., custody battles.
• Sibling gets chronic illness such as diabetes, stealing parents' time and attention.
• Marriage ends in divorce.
• Spouse gets involved in frequent extra-marital affairs.
• Domestic violence is chronic.
• Addictive behaviour is chronic.
• Family is dealing with a long-term life-treatening illness.

####Unhealthy Communication

• Criticism
• Defensiveness
• Contempt
• Stonewalling

####Healthy Family Context

• Closeness
• Family's Structure

Knowledge is Power.

####Statements Related to Attachment Styles

• Avoidant Attachment Style

• I don't like sharing my feelings with others.
• I don't like it when my partner wants to talk about his/her feelings.
• I have a hard time understanding how other people feel.
• When I get stressed, I try to deal with the situation all by myself.
• My partner often complains that I don't like to talk about how I feel.
• I don't really need close relationships.
• I highly value my independent and self-sufficiency.
• I don't worry about being alone or abandoned.
• I don't worry about being accepted by others.
• I tend to value personal achievements and success over close, intimate, relationships.

• Ambivalent Attachment Style

• I really like sharing my feelings with my partner, but he/she does not seem as open as I am.
• My feelings can get out of control very quickly.
• I worry about being alone.
• I worry about being abandoned in close relationships.
• My partner complains that I am too clingy and emotional.

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###Secure Relationship Style

• I am worthy of love.
• I am capable of getting love.
• Others are willing and able to love me.

####Sensitive parenting is characterized by 4 main goals:

• Regulating emotions
• Knowing a warm relationship
• Self-awareness
• Develpmental focus

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####Secure People:

• Aren't afraind of emotions - their own or anyone else's
• Are willing to seek and accept comfort from other people.
• Know that relationships can be safe and that knowledge gives them courage for love and intimacy.
• Take reposnability for themselves.
• Find the courage to act when action is needed.

###Avoidant Attachment Style

• I am worthy..........