Famous_quotes_json.py

Famous jokes and text

hilarious_text = ["Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.", "Sarcasm helps keep people from understanding you're saying what you really think of them.", "I once prayed to God for a bike, but quickly found out He didn't work that way—so I stole a bike and prayed for His forgiveness.", 'A train station is where the train stopsA bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...', "You can't be late until you show up.", "War doesn't determine who's right—it determines who's left.", "If you think things can't get worse, it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.", 'Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.', 'Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.', "Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't paySo if you keep reading, you'll go broke.", 'You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.', "It may look like I'm doing nothing, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away.", 'Every rule has an exception, especially this one.', 'History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives~ Abba Eban', 'The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced~ Frank Zappa', "Don't let your mind wander—it's too little to be let out alone.", "Life's a bitch; if it were easy it'd be a slut.", "I'd call you a tool, but even they serve a purpose.", 'Death is life\'s way of telling you that you\'ve been firedSuicide is your way to tell life, "You can\'t fire me, I quit!"', 'Never argue with idiotsThey drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.', 'To err is humanTo arr is pirate.', "I wouldn't say you're stupidYou are, but I wouldn't say it.", "If at first you don't succeed, destroy any evidence that you ever tried.", "If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.", "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.", 'Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?', 'I have a busy day ahead: I have trouble to start, rumors to spread, and people to argue with.', 'I am a bomb technicianIf you see me running, try to keep up.', 'I once stood in the back and said, "Everyone attack!" but it didn\'t turn into a Ballroom Blitz.', "Learn from Pandora's mistake—think outside the box.", "Don't look now, but I'm hiding under your bed.", 'Oxymoron: When an astronaut feels under the weather.', 'Freedom means the right to yell, "THEATRE!" in a crowded fire.', 'I wonder if Ikea has a decaf coffee table.', 'If a mute person burps, does it make a sound?', 'I was complimented on my driving todaySomeone left a note on my windshield that said, "Parking Fine."', "Finding a job in this economy is like playing Where's Waldo?—except that Waldo is looking for a job, too.", 'Today, I saw a commercial for the SnuggieI thought it was stupid idea, but I couldn’t change the channel because I was under a blanket and didn’t want my arms to get cold reaching for the remote.', 'Scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today’s status.', "Words can only hurt you if you try to read themDon't play their game.", "I feel like getting something done today, so I'm just going to sit here until that feeling passes...", 'I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you: the more you have, the longer you live.', 'Tip of the week: When going through airport customs and the TSA agent asks, "Do you have any firearms with you?" do not reply, "What do you need?"', 'I no longer question authority, I annoy authorityMore effect, less effort.', 'TEIAM—problem solved.', 'I just read a list titled "100 Things to Do Before You Die." I\'m pretty surprised "yell for help" wasn\'t one of them.', "I went to the book store earlier to buy the book Where's WaldoWhen I got there, I couldn't find the book anywhere. Well played, Waldo, well played.", 'It recently became apparent to me that the letters "T" and "G" are far too close together on a keyboardThis is why I\'ll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again.', 'I have an oven with a "stop time" buttonIt\'s probably meant to be "stop timer," but I don\'t touch it, just in case.', 'When a fly or small bug lands on your computer screen, has your first reaction ever been to try and scare it with the cursor?', "People think I'm too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).", 'The fact that I woke up this morning means that the assassins have failed again.', 'If your relationship status says, "It\'s complicated," maybe you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single."', 'I dream of a better world, where chickens can cross the road without anyone questioning their motives.', "How long do you think it would take to solve a Rubik's cube if you were color blind?", "I used to be good at sportsThen I realized that I could buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything.", "I decided to cancel my Twitter accountI don't want to sound paranoid, but I was pretty sure people were following me.", '"Dammit I\'m mad" is spelled the same way backwardsThink about it.', "Who decided that paper beats rock? Let's test this theoryHave someone hold up a sheet of paper in front of his or her face, then throw a rock at it. Who wins?", 'Grammar is importantCommas save lives, as in this example: "Let\'s eat grandpa." vs "Let\'s eat, grandpa."', "I feel like getting something done today, so I'm just going to sit here until that feeling passes...", 'I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you: the more you have, the longer you live.', 'Tip of the week: When going through airport customs and the TSA agent asks, "Do you have any firearms with you?" do not reply, "What do you need?"', 'I no longer question authority, I annoy authorityMore effect, less effort.', 'TEIAM—problem solved.', 'I just read a list titled "100 Things to Do Before You Die." I\'m pretty surprised "yell for help" wasn\'t one of them.', "I went to the book store earlier to buy the book Where's WaldoWhen I got there, I couldn't find the book anywhere. Well played, Waldo, well played.", 'It recently became apparent to me that the letters "T" and "G" are far too close together on a keyboardThis is why I\'ll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again.', 'I have an oven with a "stop time" buttonIt\'s probably meant to be "stop timer," but I don\'t touch it, just in case.', 'When a fly or small bug lands on your computer screen, has your first reaction ever been to try and scare it with the cursor?', "People think I'm too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).", 'The fact that I woke up this morning means that the assassins have failed again.', 'If your relationship status says, "It\'s complicated," maybe you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single."', 'I dream of a better world, where chickens can cross the road without anyone questioning their motives.', "How long do you think it would take to solve a Rubik's cube if you were color blind?", "I used to be good at sportsThen I realized that I could buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything.", "I decided to cancel my Twitter accountI don't want to sound paranoid, but I was pretty sure people were following me.", '"Dammit I\'m mad" is spelled the same way backwardsThink about it.', "Who decided that paper beats rock? Let's test this theoryHave someone hold up a sheet of paper in front of his or her face, then throw a rock at it. Who wins?", 'Grammar is importantCommas save lives, as in this example: "Let\'s eat grandpa." vs "Let\'s eat, grandpa."', 'Serenity now = insanity later.', 'The greatest thing about Facebook is that you can quote something and totally make up the source~ Julius Caesar', 'My cell phone is so outdated that it has a rotary dial.', "There are more than two kinds of people in this worldDon't believe the bumper stickers.", "Don't make me have to wound your inner child.", "I hate when mimes get in your face and don't say anything~ Butthead", 'The angle of the dangle is adversely proportional to the heat of the beat.', 'I rear-ended a car this morningSo there we were alongside the road, and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn\'t believe it—he was a dwarf! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"', 'I saw a provocative movie the other day called The Net, starring that girl from the bus~ Mr. Costanza, The Seinfeld Show', 'Fell off the jetway again~ Lloyd Christmas, Dumb & Dumber', "If I knew I had a week to live, I would probably go to IrelandAnd Japan. And Peru. And I'd want to see the Grand Canyon. And the other two oceans. It would be a pretty busy week.", 'If Sergeant Extreme and Major Awesome had visited my high school, I probably would have joined the US Army too.', 'Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it "guaranteed," I willI got spare time. But for now, for your customer\'s sake, for your daughter\'s sake, you might wanna think about buying a quality product from me. ~ Tommy, Tommy Boy', "These things happen, ya knowYou go for a walk in the park one day and wheel-chair ninjas and nazis and pots-and-pans robots show up to kill ya, and dinosaurs show up to eat the remains. You've seen the news. ~ Peter Griffin, Family Guy", "DrShakalu brought some crazy Zimbabwe weed that turns you into a deer. ~ Grandma's Boy", 'Now, I\'m going to do something I like to call the "compliment sandwich," where I say something good, talk about where you need improvement, and then end with something good~ Stewie Griffin, Family Guy', "Dear Facebook: Please stop asking me what's on my mindI'm gonna get myself in trouble if I keep spilling my guts to you.", 'I stopped to smell the roses onceA bee flew out of the flower and up my nose, stung me in the nasal vestibule, and caused a severe allergic reaction and six days of swollen septum. Now whenever I see roses, I keep walking.', 'I feel like Neve Campbell in Scream 2She thinks she can go off to college and be happy, but then the murderer comes back and starts killing off all of her friends. I learned a lot of lessons from that movie. This is just one of them.', "I once reported my roommate to INSTurns out she's clean, but I'm glad I did it.", 'If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.', 'When I discovered YouTube, I didn\'t work for five daysI did nothing. I watched Cookie Monster sing "Chocolate Rain" about a thousand times. ~ Michael Scott, The Office', 'If I were joking, you would be laughingDo you look like you are laughing? ~ Michael Scott, The Office', "I've never had champagne that tastes like cherry cola, but I know someone who wants to live like the ape man.", "Guess what? I have flawsWhat are they? Oh I dunno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me—no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make. ~ Michael Scott, The Office", 'Security in this office is a jokeLast year I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged? ~ Dwight Schrute, The Office', 'I didn\'t say, "Abe Lincoln," I said, "Hey, Blinken!" ~ Ahchoo, Robin Hood: Men In Tights', "I'm gonna grab one of those bulls over there and ride into town like a conquistador to challenge Hatcher to a duel, show him who the real tooth fairy is.", 'I just want everyone to know that I have gone another day without being stabbed repeatedlyI want to thank my friends who did not stab me repeatedly, the fans of the Not Being Stabbed Repeatedly page, the creator of the Not Being Stabbed Repeatedly page, and the many people who contributed to this cause by not stabbing me repeatedly. Without you, I might have been stabbed repeatedly, of which I am not a fan. (Of course, this status is much more effective if you are a Facebook fan of "Not Being Stabbed Repeatedly.")', 'I was God onceIt was going really well until everyone died.', 'Blackmail is such an ugly wordI prefer "extortion." The "X" makes it sound cool. ~ Bender, Futurama', "Leela cracked corn, and I don't careFry cracked corn, I still don't care. Bender cracked corn, and he is great! Take that, you stupid corn! ~ Bender, Futurama", "Just once I'd like to eat dinner with a celebrity who isn't bound and gagged.", "It's been 243 days since my last attempt to take over the worldI've been distracted by my current mission: to leave everyone uninformed and clueless.", 'I do not have the time to listen to you whine, you melodramatic fool.', "I don't want a large Farva! I want a goddamn liter-o'-cola!! ~ Officer Farva, Super Troopers", 'The whole reason you watch a TV show is because it endsIf I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life. Could you imagine if I went into work, did half of the job, then said, "Come back next week for the continuation!"', "How did you fit a lion in your pocket? No wonder it's ready to roar.", 'First the earth cooled, then the dinosaurs came, and they all bought Benzes.', 'Who is Pete and why is it for his sake?', "I danced with a squirrel in my car because I'm sexy, and I do what I want.", "If I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer~ Ace Ventura, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective", 'Call the FBI and tell them I fell down a flight of stairs! ~ DrOz, The Whole Nine Yards', 'If my employer were more democratic than communist, they might allow us to vote on making Wednesday part of the "mid-week weekend" incentive program that I just made upI vote "aye," save me, Jebus! ~ Homer Simpson, The Simpsons', "Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone? But sometimes when you get it back, it's horribly deformed and covered in an unusually smelly gelatinized mass that you can't identify.", "I'd pay a dollar and a half to see a tree museum.", 'The great state of Vermont will not apologize for its cheese~ Senator Ortolan Finistirre, Thank You For Smoking', 'My sarcasm only gets me in trouble when my brain-to-mouth filter is malfunctioning.', "Whenever I'm on fire, I remember to stop, drop, and roll, not run around screaming my head off~ Dead Man on Campus", "I was totally fineI've never even been to Mount Vesuvius. ~ Hansel, Zoolander", 'Easy, guys, I put my pants on just like the rest of you—one leg at a timeExcept, once my pants are on, I make gold records. ~ Christopher Walken as Bruce Dickinson, SNL', 'I got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell ~ Christopher Walken as Bruce Dickinson, SNL', 'Do sealions eat seazebras? ~ Pinky, Pinky and the Brain', 'Calling an engineer an applied scientist is like calling an artistic painter an applied pigment chemist.', "The problem with reality is that there's no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil, or adventurous is about to happen.", "If the game doesn't freeze every six minutes, then you're not watching Fox.", 'I had part of a slinky onceI straightened it.', "If you cooked any slower, you wouldn't need an egg timer; you'd need an egg calendar~ Stewie Griffin, Family Guy", 'I am not crazy! At least, no more than any normal person should be.', 'Humans are the only creatures on earth that will cut down trees, make paper, then write “SAVE TREES” on it~ al masum from the comments section', 'Who likes fruitcake? I mean, really, giving you a fruitcake for a present is just another way of saying, "I dislike you so much that I\'m going to give you 2000 calories of jellied fruit and nut compacted into a brick and wrapped in plastic."', 'A person may be inherently wise or experienced, but that means little or nothing if he/she is perceived as a foolI, on the other hand, am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. ~ Combination of The Princess Bride and "Building Pathology, An Introduction"', '(Name) is trying not to think about penguins.', 'Good things are coming soonStay tuned for more information after a few words from our sponsors.', '(Name) wants to go someplace warm where the beer flows like wine.', 'Whisper down the lane is not as much fun on Facebook as it was when we used to sit in rows on the floor of the school gymnasium.', "You're so vain, you probably think this status is about you.", 'I wish I was as smart as I think I am.', 'The next time somebody texts me with "k," I\'m going to tell them that they smell like a hippoAnd when they respond with "WTF??" I\'m going to respond with just "k."', "Whoever says that pizza is not good for you is so wrongYou can actually get every single food group into a single slice. You can't say that about much else.", '(Name) thinks the xylophone is totally underrated.', 'Where is the chase and how do I cut to it? ~ Chris Griffin, Family Guy', 'If Santa were to name his balls, would he call one "Milk" and the other "Cookies"?', "If winning doesn't matter, then why keep score?", "It's amazing how something as simple as yelling and throwing things, although it doesn't solve your problems or help you find a solution, still makes you feel better! Now I need something to throw and somewhere to yell.", "(Name) is not the rope-totin' Charlie Bronson wannabe.", '(Name) needs to master the art of patienceQuickly.', 'If a person who drinks too much is an alcoholic, then is someone who never drinks called a non-alcoholic?', "If you think you have nothing to be thankful for today, consider this: At least you're not a turkeyHappy Holidays, folks. Enjoy your time today. (Only effective on Thanksgiving Day.)", 'I lost my accountabilibuddy.', "You've worked hard all weekYou deserve to get drunk, vomit on a bar stool, pray to the toilet gods, and sweat on the bathroom floor, where you will wake up the following afternoon with a headache, bad breath, and nausea. Have a good time, because you deserve this.", "You don't want to question meI've forgotten more in the past week than you've learned your whole life.", 'If I become a fan of myself, does that mean that every time I update my wall it will send an update to my wall?', "A Penn State student trying to raise money for cancer came up to my car asking for moneyI told her that I don't support cancer or Penn State.", 'Someone at work said to me, "Inquiring minds want to know if you have a boyfriend." I said, "Yes, I do, but don\'t tell my husband."', "Somewhere in America, someone you don't like is praying for you~ Rachel Maddow", 'Society is never going to make any progress until we all learn to pretend to like each other.', "(Name) is searching for zenSo far, it's not at Subway or Wawa.", 'You are on the phone, someone \'asks\', "Hold please." No, no question—they just say it and put you on holdCan you scream, "NO!" into the phone before they put you on hold? Will they hear it before you get put on hold? Will they think you\'re crazy? Will they still put you on hold? Will they hang up on you? Will they help you sooner? You have now been on hold 24 minutes. Discuss.', "While it's fun to be snarky, once in a while it's good to throw in something sincereAfter all, life is too short not to take a break and try to gain some perspective once in a while.", 'No artist could ever compare to the mastery of Mother Nature.', "If you're so caught up in avoiding lightning, you may not ever enjoy a single thunderstorm.", 'One of the great regrets of my life is that I suffered so many assholes so gladly for so many years, all for the sake of a paycheck.', 'There are so many gods, so many creeds, so many paths that wind and wind, while all the sad world requires is simply the art of being kind.', "If crying doesn't make the sad things better, then why do we do it?", "Go away, bad moodI didn't invite you into my world today.", "Look outside of yourself, and you will appreciate others' accomplishments, failures, hardships, and journeys.", 'I was not part of the problem, but I will be part of the solution.', "If you can't get someone out of your head, then maybe they're supposed to be there.", "Sometimes things happen in life that are not part of the planWhen that happens, don't give up on your dreams; just find another way to reach them.", 'Small repairs in a broken wall help to build a stronger barrier against the sea of negativity that surrounds us.', 'Everything Irie.', 'Dear Life: You have some explaining to do.', "If you remind yourself of the great things in life, the tough times don't seem so devastating.", "Looks can fade as quickly as the clouds pass through the skyIt's the moments that touch your heart and heal your soul that last forever, along with the people who bring them to you.", "Forgive those who hurt you even if whatever they did is unforgiveableYou will forgive them not because they deserve it, but because you don't want to suffer every time you remember what they did to you.", "All men's souls are immortal, but the souls of the righteous are immortal and divine ~ Socrates", 'A hero is born among a hundred, and a wise man is found among a thousand, but an accomplished one might not be found even among a hundred thousand.', 'All noble things are as difficult as they are rare.', 'Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers but to be fearless in facing themLet me not beg for the stilling of my pain but for the heart to conquer it.', 'Every passing moment is another chance to turn it around.', 'Today is going to be difficult and challengingToday, I will face my fears and stand up for what I believe is right. Today, my noble and selfless acts may be accused of cruel and greedy intentions. No matter what the outcome, I will be stronger, my family will be closer, and I will finally have the closure that I have been seeking for so many years.', 'A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.', 'Try this for a day: Instead of saying, "I hate," say "I dislike."', 'A good day starts with a positive attitude and a great cup of coffee.', "We have to hurt in order to know, fall in order to grow, and lose in order to gain, because most of life's lessons are taught through pain.", 'Kudos to those who have the abilities to do what I cannot do.', "My dreams are bigger than my wallet, but I'll find a way.", 'Realize your potential.', "Don't overreact or give advice too quicklyThis only trains people not to be open with you.", 'The only one who is responsible for the way your life works out is youYou cannot change the past, but you can take responsibility for your future. All it takes is a decision. Decide to live a life of discipline rather than one of regret. Remember that discipline weighs ounces and regret weighs tons.', "Beneath the criticism is an underlying messageCriticism is a smoke screen for deeper feelings. Compare criticism to cheese on a mousetrap. What happens when the mouse takes the cheese? He gets his tail caught in the trap. That's what happens when you take the bait of criticism. Don't take the bait.", 'Staying connected is more important than making your point.', 'Saying nothing when you really want to say something only pushes those differences, disagreements, and conflicts under a simmering surfaceJust be careful about how you air your feelings when you decide to open up during a conflict.', 'Nothing will be gained by blaming others for your misfortuneJealousy will not get you anywhere; it will only give you restlessness.', "I can't pinpoint the moment when we started working toward uncommon goals, but I'm fairly certain that it corresponds with the moment when we stopped being productive.", 'Hundreds of years from now, it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I droveBut the world may be different because I did something so bafflingly crazy that my ruins became a tourist attraction.', 'I cannot change the seasons or the wind (at least, not yet), but I can change myself.', 'Although I have loved and lost, it does not make this tragic time any less devastatingAll that I can do is remember the life and love that was given and give thanks for the wonderful people brought together at such an enormous expense.', 'Death leaves a heartache no one can healLove leaves a memory no one can steal.', 'When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.', 'As devastating as things may seem, there is always that glimmer of hope to guide you through the storm.', "I'm pretty much destined for greatnessI'm just pacing myself so I don't freak you out. ~ Shelley from the comments section", 'Everyone is a geniusBut if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid. ~ Albert Einstein, as suggested by Me in the comments section', "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friendInside of a dog, it's too dark to read. ~ Groucho Marx, as suggested by Me in the comments section", "If you watch the Titanic backwards, it's about a magical boat that emerges from the sea and saves people~ Myself from the comments section"]

# 18 +
hilarious_status_for_like_text = ['A big shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money!', "Hi I'm James, let's bond.", "T.G.I.A. (Thank goodness I'm awesome!)", 'Sometimes I prefer to use my face as emoticons.', 'I think it\'s really cool how the word "OK" is a sideways person!', "Today is the first day of the rest of your life...And if that doesn't work out for you, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life...", 'Keep calm and know Google can help you find a way to fix almost every problem. If not it will tell you who can fix it.', "It hurts when you go to unfriend someone and you find they've beat you to it!", "If twitter wasn't around in the olden days why is there a hashtag button on landlines?", 'Time is precious. Waste it wisely.', "If something's not going right, try left.", 'About to dance my feet silly!', 'Why bother reading books? We have Eminem he can read a whole story in 4 minutes.', 'I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.', "Wife: I'm pregnant, what do you want it to be? Husband: A joke.", 'Everyone is normal until you add them as your Facebook friend.', 'Everyone is normal until you find them on Twitter.', 'Relationship Status: COMING SOON', 'Back in 5 minutes (If not, read this status again).', 'LIKE if you hate it when someone tags you in a photo you look horrible in because they happen to look so good in it.', 'Phew! Thank you, warning label. I was actually considering using my toaster in the shower this morning.', 'Looking at school books and thinking - What a waste of a tree!', "Nobody around here treats me like a glamour model, so I'm just going to sit here taking selfies by myself.", "Why didn't you reply to my text? Well, how am I supposed to reply to LOL?", 'Line dancing was originally invented by women waiting in line for the bathroom.', "Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon.", 'Nothing is illegal...Until you get caught.', 'Friends are like boobs... Some are real some are fake.', 'Birthdays are good for your health. Studies show those who have more Birthdays live longer.', 'Food is an important part of a balanced diet.', "When I get a pimple on my tongue I always feel guilty in case I've told a white lie.", 'I dance like a car dealerships inflatable tube man.', "I forgot to work out today. That's 5 years in a row!", "If I went to hell, it would take me a week to realise I wasn't at work.", "I hate it when I'm singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong.", 'That moment when you try talking to someone you\'re hot for and you say GFBLQRINABAH instead of "I\'m good thanks!"', 'You look like I need a drink.', "I wasn't drunk, I was just testing if the plant was as soft as my bed.", 'That awkward moment when you have a crush on the most inconvenient person possible.', "I've got a dig bick. You read that wrong. The awkward when you read that wrong too and said 'Moment' when it wasn't there.", "I put the 'Me' in 'Someone' and things get awkward.", 'Stop calling yourself hot, the only thing you turn on is the microwave!', 'That moment when someone you met for 3 seconds sends you a Facebook friend request.', 'I tried being normal once. Most boring hour of my life.', "You didn't notice that that I used a word twice in this sentence.", 'A fact of life: After Monday and Tuesday even the calender says W T F.', 'The first 5 days after the weekend are always hard.', 'I am 100% done with today and about 37% done with tomorrow.', "At first I didn't like my beard, then it grew on me.", 'Broken pencils are pointless.', '"What\'s up cake?" "Muffin much".', "I don't have goals. Goals are for soccer. I'm not soccer.", "I don't understand those couples that fight and then a minute later change their Facebook status to 'Single.' I fight with my parents but you don't see me change my status to 'Orphan.'", 'I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you are good with grammar you will get it.', 'There\'s a thin line between "I should do a status update about that" and "I should talk to a therapist about that"', 'If you have someone following you that is ugly, they are a stalker. If the person is hot, they are your secret admirer.', 'I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass', 'Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.', 'You wanna cry? Try using a tissue, it works much better than your Facebook status.', 'Enjoy the little things in life, because one day, you’ll look back and realize that they were actually big things.', "I wont block you or delete you. I'm keeping you there so you will be able to see how happy I am without you.", 'True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.', "Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up and down. Yep that's how you wash a cup.", "If 'dress for the job you want' were true, there would be a lot more people wearing capes.", 'Have you ever even watched MTV Cribs? I’m pretty sure we can keep downloading music without paying for it.', 'Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery', 'My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums.', 'Life is weird, first you wanna grow up, then you wanna be a kid again.', 'Seeing a loser from your high school w/ a good job is like graffiti on a highway bridge, how the Hell did that get there?', 'There are two types of human beings found on Facebook. One who gets enormous amount of likes and comments on their posts. And the others are men.', "That awkward moment when you change your facebook status to 'single' and your ex likes it.", 'LIKE if you always dreamed of being slimed on Nickelodeon.', 'That awkward moment when nobody likes your Facebook status.', "Oh, it's sunny outside. I better update my Facebook status for all of my friends that don't have windows.", 'Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship', 'Wife: Honey, I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio', 'I don’t know what I’d do without Facebook. Probably my work', 'Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so waste your time and have the time of your life!', 'This is my Facebook status. There are many like it but this one is mine.', 'I carry a magnum size condom in my purse like a modern day glass slipper. Some day my prince will come.', 'I always give 100% at work: 13% Monday 22% Tuesday 26% Wednesday 35% Thursday 4% Friday', "Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see them tumble down the stairs.", "Are you thinking what I'm thinking that I think that you're thinking I'm thinking, because if you think that I think what I think I'm thinking then we've got a problem.", 'According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, "neighborhood watch" isn’t what I thought it was.', "In a few years priests will say, 'You may now change your relationship status to husband and wife.'", 'The greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source. - Oprah', 'A lot of beautiful people are stupid. There’s a tremendous amount of idiots who look so good. It’s frightening.', 'Haters are like crickets. Crickets make a lot of noise, you hear it but you can’t see them. Then right when you walk by them, they’re quiet.', 'Scientists say the world is made up of Protons, Neutrons, and Electrons…..They forgot to mention Morons.', 'Boobs are like the Sun…you can stare at them directly just for a few seconds. But if you put on sunglasses, stare as much as you want!', 'Women are like IPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberrys, rub one ball and everything moves!', 'Don’t you wish people could be like money, so you could hold them up to the sun and see which ones are fake and who are real.', 'One of the most expensive things you’ll ever do is pay attention to the wrong person.', 'Like this if you have ever checked Facebook while naked.', 'My old aunts always said to me you’re next at weddings. They quit when I started doing it to them at funerals.', 'If you think 7 years of bad luck are too much for breaking a mirror.. Try breaking a condom.', 'What do the Chinese call a 69? Twocanchew.', '100% of the people that talk shit about your life, have shittier lives than you.', 'The first rule of selfie club should be clean your room.', 'Woman without curves is like a road without bends…. You may get to your destination quicker, but the ride is boring as hell.', 'Have you ever loved someone so much deep in your heart, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping.', 'No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that shit and move on.', 'Do the Chinese realize that when they’re visiting America, they buy souvenirs made in their own country?', 'In successful relationships, no one wears the pants.', 'On the internet you can be whoever you want. It’s odd that so many choose to be stupid.', 'Whenever someone calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.', 'Dance like no ones watching. Sing like no ones listening. Live everyday like Maury told you its not your baby.', 'Can you die from constipation? I’m a little worried with how full of shit some people are.', 'Thank you guys for the birthday wishes. And thank you Facebook for reminding them. (Post this one on your actual birthday to make it more effective.)', 'People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.', 'Life is a lot like toilet paper. You’re either on a roll or you’re taking shit from some asshole.', 'In the Beginning, God made the Heaven and Earth. The rest was Made in China.', 'Face your problems. Don’t facebook your problems.', 'I tried setting my yahoo password to “penis”. It said my password wasn’t long enough.', 'Dear Girls, if a guy pauses a video game to text you back, marry him.', 'Whenever a man asks me what kind of books I like, I tell him checkbooks.', 'Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.', 'Making a new mint flavored birth control pill that you take right before sex. I am calling them ‘Predickamints.’', 'Cheating is not an accident. Falling off a bike is an accident. You don’t just trip and fall into someone’s vagina.', 'Ladies- it’s important to have a man that: 1) Rocks in bed 2) Buys you stuff 3) Compliments you 4) The above 3 men don’t know each other.', 'To the guys saying they want a girl who will fix them a snack after sex: If she’s capable of walking you haven’t earned a goddamn sandwich!', 'By the power invested in me, I now pronounce you deleted and blocked. You may now kiss my ass.', '“Does size matter?” “Yes I told you 2 inches makes a huge difference. Now just buy the damn laptop dad, this conversation is creeping me out”.', 'Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.', 'Seeing your ex with someone uglier than you. Awesome.', 'And then God said, “Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I’ll give women the power over which to control it.”', 'Dear guys: Women don’t want pictures of your dick. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.', 'I hate people that say ” He’s a nice person once you get to know him.” They might as well just say ” He’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it.”', 'Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.', 'If I’ve learned anything from the Kardashians it’s that I shouldn’t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.', 'Love is like Wi-Fi, you can’t see it, but you know when you’ve lost it.', 'When I was your age my whole family shared one phone, and it was attached to the kitchen wall by a cord.', 'When people don’t laugh at my jokes I just assume that they’re not up to my level of comedy.', 'we live in WTF generation – wikipedia, twitter, facebook', 'If God made everything, then God must be Chinese?', 'I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, “Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas.”', 'I’m writing a thanksgiving cookbook called “50 shades of gravy.”', 'It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.', 'Deja poo. The feeling that you’ve heard this shit before.', 'My secret fantasy is to have two men at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.', 'Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.', 'Just saw a t-shirt that said “It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean” which translated to “Hey, I’ve got a small penis and a stupid shirt”', 'Everything is made in China. Except babies. They’re made in VaChina.', 'A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, “Where were you between four and six?” I said, “Kindergarten.”', 'Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.', 'Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your dick grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!!', 'Never forget that we live in a world in which it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.', 'The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the “Skip Ad” button on YouTube.', 'I had a dream that I was drowning in orange soda. Turned out it was just a Fanta Sea.', 'I was a huge tomboy. Like, I had barbies, but only because my ninja turtles needed bitches.', 'I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers.', 'My idea of a Superbowl is a toilet that cleans itself.', 'Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.', 'Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma’am? Me: No, I’m just dizzy b/c I’m having a heavy flow day. It’s really clotty and… Cop: You’re free to go.', 'i hate to call it ‘one night stands’..i prefer the term ‘auditions’', 'Excuse me…can you please tell your pants it’s rude to point.', 'I just watch a naked Chinese man run into a wall at full speed with a hard on. He broke his nose.', 'Caution: Spooning may lead to forking.', 'Shit happens, step over it.', 'Man grabs his wife’s butt, “If this was firm, you wouldn’t need underwear” She turns around and grabs his penis, “And if this was firm, I wouldn’t need batteries.”', 'Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.', 'If you need a friend (text me) need a laugh (call me) need a hug (stop by) need money (this number is no longer in service).', 'Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”', 'Silence doesnt mean your sexual performance left her speechless.', 'I want to be the reason you look down on your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.', 'Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.', 'A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine … Well, I bought wine.', 'Does time fly when you’re having sex or was it really just one minute?', 'Guy: Do you want to hear a joke about my penis? Nevermind…it’s too long!', 'Girl: Do you want to hear a joke about my vagina? Nevermind…you’ll never get it!!!', 'If men believed in reincarnation they’d ask to come back as a spider, so they could hear a woman scream OMG LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT!', 'My idea of “friends with benefits” is another one of my friends doing my laundry. What were you people thinking.. I have morals.', 'If someone is angry with you and you laugh at them, you win.', 'Fact: Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.', 'I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.', 'What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.', 'Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.', 'Why do medications always have side effects like ‘anal leakage’ & ‘suicidal thoughts’? Why not ‘invisibility’ or ‘spontaneous orgasms’?', 'SAY it FAST! {I, 1, 2, 1/2, 6} LIKE if you get it!', 'My internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbor forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible.', 'I renamed all my files “the world,” so everyday when I “save” the world I feel important.', 'First say “eye” then spell “map” then say “ness”. -yes, yes you are-', 'Tip for the ladies: If you want a man to leave you alone at a bar, don’t tell him you have a boyfriend. They don’t care.Tell him you have a penis.', 'Sometimes I catch a glimpse of my own reflection and think to myself, “You’re welcome mirror.”', 'It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering.', 'Dating Tip: Find a partner with a compatible phone charger.', 'No, an erection is not considered personal growth.', 'Fuck You autocorrect. I’m tired of your bullshit. Turning you off. Cee I dount kneed yu inh mai laif tu wright mai tughits. Vitch!!', 'I tried to say no to vodka but it’s 40% stronger than me.', 'It’s funny how I am good at giving advices to others but when it comes to helping myself, I don’t know what to do!! 😛', 'Never trust a person with one only facebook picture. 🙂', 'Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I’m heading north to start a new life 🙂', 'Maybe the chicken saw someone from high school 🙄', 'Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can’t even.', 'Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”', 'About to mail my check for $1500 to nigeria for the $15million lottery i just won! Cya later SUCKAS!! 😎', 'Crying for no particular reason other than the fact that my cat spontaneously combusted!', 'I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter. 😆', '“It’s complicated” relationship status = someone cheated but we signed a lease 😀', 'Made my car into a hybrid by siphoning gas out of your tank 😆', 'listening to the latest britney spears record…….. i mean… definately not listening to britney spears', 'The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down 🙂', 'I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter. 😎', 'I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore. 🙄', 'All the cutest and scariest animals are in Australia. How do you Australians get anything done? So much petting and fending off.', 'Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks', 'If you are going to speak bad things about me on my back, come to me. I’ll tell you more 😆', 'I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter', 'When I was a kid, I used to wake up early just to watch cartoons.', 'That awkward moment when all the seats are taken and everybody is staring at you. 😀', 'If only the world would look as hard for a clean alternative to oil and coal as it is for that damn plane we might be alive when they find it', 'Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, and you really don’t want to see a lot of it… 😛', 'I’m gonna name my son Wussell so people think he has a speech impediment.', 'I’ve heard a few women mention that they love to get gifts from men that take their breath away…I’m thinking treadmill 😎', 'I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas 😀', 'I want to ki¦¦ you. (options may vary)', 'I still water my dead plants every 3 months. Just in case… 🙂', 'I was NOT taking a selfie. I was showing off my new bathroom mirror!', 'Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on. 😉', 'I wish I had somebody to blame all of my problems on, like my wife does. 😆', 'Like if you wanna make me smile! 🙂', 'LIKE IF you love sleeping to avoid problems.', 'Hit like if: Moms are so fake when people come over.', 'Like if you’re alive, comment if you’re dead.', 'Should like if your favorite color is money.', 'Put a like if people say you don`t look your age.', 'Only awesome people are allowed to ‘LIKE’ this status!', 'Like this if: Still arguing when you know your wrong.', 'LIKE IF being a girl is so stressful and expensive.', 'Like this if you have ever checked Facebook while naked.', 'LIKE if you have that one friend that Laughs at everything. Even when it’s not funny.', 'If nobody hates you, you are doing something boring.', 'Hit like if plane tickets were free you`d never see me again.', 'LIKE IF 90% of the contacts in your phone are useless.', 'That awkward moment when someone *Likes* One of your Very old Facebook statuses and you think “Creeper”.', 'Hit the like button if: The hardest thing to answer: Describe yourself.', 'LIKE IF it`s been “one of those days” for like 3 years now.', 'I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy.', 'Put a like if:Sometimes I wonder if anyone is secretly in love with me.', 'Sometimes on Facebook, I feel like I’m just talking to a wall.', 'Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.', 'Like this status and I’ll message you something I’ve never told about you.', 'Like if you also randomly swearing at everything when you`re mad.', 'LIKE IF : A rejected high five is one of the biggest insults there is.', 'like if u have ever pushed a door that said pull :/', 'I like my girls DTF [D]edicated [T]rustworthy [F]aithful…', 'Relationship Stages: Strangers → Friends → Close Friends → Crush → Relationship → Heartbroken → Strangers 😛 LIKE IF AGREE 🙂', 'LIKE if: Fighting over who gets to sit in the front seat of the car…', 'Facebook needs a Drama of the day section in my news feed.', 'LIKE IF: When I wake up in the middle of the night, I check my phone.', 'LIKE IF you`re the smart friend that handles situations the best…', 'My status is from a song…its not about you. Get over yourself.', 'LIKE IF : Seeing a picture of yourself, and wondering ” Am I that ugly?”', 'LIKE IF: 8PM: “Just one more episode before bed” and 2AM: “Who needs sleep anyway?”', 'Like this status and I will tell you why you’re my friend.', 'Like if you believe : Someday you will look back and know exactly why it had to happen.', 'That awkward moment when You accidentally hit the LIKE button During Facebook stalking.', 'All our life our parents told us not to write on walls. Facebook teaches us differently.', 'Like my status if calling people on the phone is more stressful than open heart surgery.', 'How much people like singing songs in bathroom ..:p Like who are bathroom singer :p', 'LIKE IF Not being able to fall asleep because your to excited for something the next day.', 'You should like:My cell phone is my watch, camera, flashlight, calculator, iPod & so much more.', 'LIKE IF: When I was little “I`m gonna tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever.', 'I wish Facebook would notify me when people delete me, that way I can Like it.', 'LIKE IF:11 months out of the year: life is a train-wreck and in December: life is a polar express-wreck.', 'Must put a like: When you study, you thinking 30% cellphone, 25 % hungry, 15 % other people, 25% movies, 4% other, 1% book.', 'LIKE IF: you ever liked somebody so much you just want to lock yourself in your room, turn on sad music and cry.', 'Facebook is starting to be like my fridge, I know nothing is there but I keep checking it anyway.', 'LIKE IF you ever stalked someone so hard you ended up on their brothers roommates cousins sisters page.', 'What’s the point of having 300+ like’s on Facebook given that you have to undress to get them?', 'Congratulations!! You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click Control + W.', 'Why is it that Facebook even gives me the option to ‘Like’ my own status? Of course I like my status. I’m hilarious.', 'Like if you have done this, when I was younger I remember watching two drops of rain roll down your window and pretending it was a race.', 'Like if you’re Having like 50 t-shirts but you only wear 7 of them and complaining that you have no clothes.', 'Like this status if you think I’m a good friend. Comment if we have had good memories together. Poke me if you want to hang out soon.', 'LIKE if you LOVE getting hugged from behind.', 'LIKE if your mouth automatically says “shit” when something wrong happens.', 'Like this status and i’ll tell you something i have never had the guts to before', 'Like my status if you are in love', 'Like this if you like to like things.', 'Hit the like button if: peeking out of your 3D glasses during a movie just to see the difference xD.', 'LIKE IF When you don`t know what to reply to someone, you ask your best friend what to reply.', 'Like my status if your friend gave a joke and you were the only one who didn’t get it 🙂', 'Actually no, my status wasn’t aimed at you, but hey, if the shoe fits, feel free to wear it.', 'LIKE IF “See you next year” must be the most over used dad-joke every December.', 'I like my women like I like my weekend – short, filled with liquor and gone by Monday.']

# non 18 +
status = ["What has two ears, but can't hear? Grandpa!", 'Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.', 'Sex is not an answer, but a question. "Yes is the answer".', "I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.", 'We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.', "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.", 'Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.', 'Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.', "The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.", "If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.", 'We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.', 'Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.', 'War does not determine who is right - only who is left.', 'Dogs have masters, cat have staff.', 'Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.', 'Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.', "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.", 'My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.', 'The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.', 'Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.', "Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.", "If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...", 'If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.', 'To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.', 'If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?', 'Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.', "If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.", 'A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.', 'How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?', "Some people are like Slinkies...not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.", 'I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.', 'Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?', 'Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What\'s my mother going to do?', "A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.", "I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.", 'Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.', 'I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"', "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.", 'The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.', 'A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.', 'Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?', 'God must love stupid people. He made SO many.', "The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.", 'Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.', 'Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.', 'Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?', 'Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.', 'The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!', 'You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.', 'Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.', 'The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!', 'The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.', 'A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.', 'Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.', 'Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.', "It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.", "Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.", "The kid's next door imaginary friend.", 'He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.', 'All men are born free; if they marry is their own fault.', 'We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.', 'Make love, not war. Or do both: get married.', "Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.", 'Insert a coin to view my status message.', 'My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.', "Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.", 'I intend to live forever. So far, so good.', 'When in doubt, mumble.', 'Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.', 'Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.', "Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.", 'Facebook account for sale, friends included!', 'Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.', "God loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.", "I'm in shape. Round is a shape, isn't it?", "I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.", 'I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.', "Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.", "I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.", 'I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.', 'Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.', 'Eat right, exercise, die anyway.', "There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.", "I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.", "You're never too old to learn something stupid.", 'When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.', 'Why did Noah save those two mosquitos?', 'Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.', 'Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?', 'With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.', 'To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.', "A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.", 'Some people hear voices... Some see invisible people… Others have no imagination whatsoever.', 'A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.', "If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?", 'Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone.', "If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!", 'A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.', 'Hallmark Card: "I\'m so miserable without you, it\'s almost like you\'re still here."', 'Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.']


programmer_funny_quotes = ['"640K ought to be enough for anybody." (Bill Gates, 1981)', '"A newspaper is a collection of half-injustices"', '"All my hidden skills are undiscovered." - Clinton', '"Are your cookies made with real Girl Scouts?"', '"But honey, we need a 2 gig drive for word processing!"', '"DOS=HIGH" Hmm, I knew it was on something...', '"Good morning!" is an opinion, not a greeting.', '"Graphic Artist seeks Boss with vision impairment."', '"Ground Beef" -- A Cow With No Legs!', '"Hex Dump" - Where Witches put used curses?', '"I\'d like all your $20 bills in this bag", "To go".', '"Leave my blouse alone! I said Spellcheck, not Spillcheck"', '"MEOW"...SPLAT..."RUFF"...SPLAT...(Raining cats & dogs)', '"Please return stewardess to original upright position"', '"Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar" - Freud', '"Uh honey, a P5 with a 20" monitor is perfect for mail"', '"WHO CARES where Carmen Sandiego is?"', '(A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail, (G)rab_Hammer', '*IT IS* documented, look under "For Internal Use Only."', '......64..65...66...67...68...69... "STOP RIGHT THERE!"', '...and I betcha she can say it in 10 different languages!', '...I love children!  They taste just like chicken.', '...I multi-task, I read in the bathroom.', '...So simple a child could do it?  Go find me a child!', '1 + 2 = 3; Therefore, 4 + 5 = 6.', '10 days and 18 messages later, "Oh I understand now"', '20 Dumb Blonds in freezer:  Frosted flakes.', '3 stages of sex: Tri-weekly, try weekly, try weakly.', '50 states, and I had to pick one of confusion...', '69, 714, 2112 : Sex, drugs, and Rock and Roll!', '74% of all statistics are made up on the spot', '89.6% of all statistics are wrong.', 'A .45 beats a royal flush EVERY TIME', 'A big enough hammer can usually fix anything.', 'A bird in the hand is a big mistake.', 'A bird in the hand is better than one overhead!', 'A career is a job that takes about 20 more hours a week.', 'A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.', 'A cynic smells flowers and looks for the casket.', 'A dry sense of humor is better than slobbering everywhere', "A field upgrade,HAL. We're going to make you IBM compatible.", 'A fool with a tool is a well-equipped fool', 'A girl a day keeps the wife away.', 'A good marriage outlasts the first box of dental floss.', 'A hundred years from now, none of us will give a damn.', 'A husband is a lover who pushed his luck too far.', 'A jerk present in a group indicates a jerk in charge.', "A lawyer's opinion is worth nothing unless paid for.", 'A little greed can get you lots of stuff', 'A low yield atomic bomb is like being a bit pregnant.', "A man's incomplete until married; then he's finished!", 'A narrow mind is usually accompanied by a wide mouth.', 'A nuclear war can ruin your whole day...', 'A nudist has no reason to fear a pickpocket.', 'A perfect woman is one that is inflated to 40psi.', 'A short cut is the longest distance between two points.', 'A Smith & Wesson beats four aces every time.', 'A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.', 'A too-short mini skirt leaves a definitive end in view.', 'A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.', 'A wife lasts as long as a marriage, an ex-wife for ever.', 'A woman cries before the wedding, a man after.', 'Actions are usually right, but the reasons seldom are.', 'Adam ate the apple, and our teeth still ache.', 'Age and treachery can always overcome youth and skill.', 'AGGHHhhh, 4 AM Already!', 'ALL bikini clad women, proceed to move to California.', 'All women are automatically born with a shopping disorder', 'Always consider the alternative before making a choice.', "Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.", "Always smile.  It makes people wonder what you're up to.", "Am I ignorant or apathetic?  I don't know and don't care!", 'An idea is not responsible for fools who believe in it.', 'And on the seventh day, He took an aspirin.', 'Any given program, once running, is obsolete.', 'Any sufficiently advanced bug will become a feature.', 'Any sufficiently advanced technology looks like magic.', "Anyone who remembers the 60's...wasn't there.", 'Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.', 'Are you on an ego trip?   You forgot your luggage.', 'As your Doctor I advise you to drink heavily.', "ASCII silly questions and you'll get some silly ANSI", 'Author of "Lead, follow, or get outta the way."', "Avoid the 5 o'clock rush - always leave work at noon.", 'Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic', "Bank Rule: To get a loan, first prove you don't need it.", 'Bathroom scale: Something you stand on and swear at.', 'BBS Tip #45: ALT-H gives you sysop access!', 'Be kind to animals.....Take your Boss to lunch......', "Behind every man, there's a woman with nothing to wear.", 'Black holes are where God divided by zero.', 'Blessed are the meek, for they make great scapegoats.', 'Both of his feet are firmly planted in the air.', 'Bush says "No new taxes!", Clinton says, "No, NEW taxes!"', "But honey, I wouldn't be up so late on a faster machine!", 'Call me if you need my phone number!', 'Canadian DOS prompt: EH?\\>', "Captain we're at 1700 CPS. The UARTs canna take much more", 'Careful.  I know Karate and a few other foreign words.', "Cats are smarter than dogs. Eight cats won't pull a sled.", "Chemists don't die, they just stop reacting!", 'Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.', 'Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.', 'Compatible: Blows up a little later than Incompatible', 'copy *.txt > brain', 'Credit card owner -- Member of the debt set', "Criminal lawyer.  Isn't that redundant?", 'Cross river *THEN* insult alligator.', "Curiosity didn't kill the cat. I got 'im with the mower!", "Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.", 'Debrief:  Wife listening while you talk in your sleep.', 'Dentist\'s famous last words: "You won\'t feel a thing..."', 'Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.', 'Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?', 'Diplomacy: Saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock', 'Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?', 'Do NOT look into laser with remaining eye..', 'Do not merely believe in miracles, rely on them.', 'Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?', 'Do witches use Spell-checkers?', "Do ya really believe her when she says size don't matter?", 'Do you always hit the nail right on the thumb?', 'Does "PIRATE" software come with a treasure map?', 'Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children', "Don't be sexist.  Broads hate that.", "Don't confuse me with facts, my mind is made up!", "Don't even TRY to THINK without proper tools.", "Don't lend people money.  It causes amnesia.", "Don't look now, but your file is unzipped.", "Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.", "Don't open the darkroom door; it lets all the dark out.", "Don't overtax yourself; that's the Government's job.", "Don't take life seriously...it isn't permanent.", "Don't worry the next message will be better!", 'Earth is 98% full...please delete anyone you can.', 'Elvis Stamps:  Where will your mail be spotted next?', 'Epitaph on a gravestone: Cheerio, see you soon.', 'Error-Disk Full Error,Formatting Drive C: to make space', 'Every exit is an entrance into something else.', 'Every silver lining has a cloud around it.', 'Every step you take becomes a twist of fate.', 'Every valuable idea offends someone.', 'Everyone is a genius at least once a year.', 'Everyone is gifted. Some just open their packages sooner.', "Everyone makes mistakes, if not we'd all be single!", 'Excuse me if I sound bitter....I taste that way too', 'Excuse me, while I change into something more formidable.', 'Expert: "ex"=a has-been. "spert"=a drip under pressure.', 'Explosion at sperm bank.  Nurses overcome.', 'Features should be discovered, not documented!', "First, they tax incomes; now they're taxing my patience.", 'Floppy Disk = Lower back trouble.', 'Fools and their money become popular quickly.', 'General Failure reading drive A:  Please remove your fist', 'Get gun.  Shoot computer.  Turn off lights...', "Give a man an inch, and he thinks he's a ruler.", 'Give and you might receive. Take and be sure of it.', "Go ahead, correct my typos.  I'll make more.", 'Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go EVERYwhere.', "Got my Uzi, got some Scotch...let's go to Disneyland!", "Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer again...", "Gravity doesn't exist. The Earth sucks.", 'Great beer bellies are made, not born.', 'Gun Control:  Ability to hit what you aim at!', "Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people.", 'HA HAH HA HAH HAH <SMACK> ... oof ...', 'Have a cold? Let me introduce you to Doc Jack Kevorkian.', 'Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of woman scorned!', 'Help stamp out, eliminate, and abolish redundancy!', "Help!  I've been possessed by a UNIX daemon!", "Here, you go first, you're immune to bullets.", 'Hey Santa, can I have a copy of your naughty girls list?', "Hey!  Don't shoot that postal worker <BANG!> NO  CARRIER", "Hey, wake up! It's time for your sleeping pills.", 'Hire teenagers while they still know everything.', 'History is a set of lies agreed upon by the Victors', 'Honesty pays, but not enough for some.', 'Hong Kong, Son of King Kong', 'Honk if you love obscene gestures.', 'Horn busted! Watch for finger...', 'Hot water Heaters:  hot water needs heating?', 'How can you be so deaf with those huge ears?', 'How did I get round from eating square meals?', 'How do women get minks? Same way minks get minks', 'How do you keep a turkey in suspense?', 'I am correct, the rest of you are wrong!', "I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.", "I am not 40, I'm 18 with 22 years experience", "I am not arguing with you, I'm telling you.", 'I am not young enough to know everything.', 'I am the Shopping Cart that nicks at your paint-job.', 'I came, I saw, I confused.', "I can keep a secret.  It's the people I tell that can't", "I can SPELL, I just can't TYPE worth a hoot !", "I can't be overdrawn, I still have checks left!", "I don't have a solution but I really admire the problem.", "I don't have all the answers, just those that count.", "I don't own any slaves. My wife has one, though.", 'I gave up on my wife, and married my computer.', 'I got everything but the part after "Now listen closely".', 'I have a dirty mind, I mud wrestle with my conscience.', 'I have a firm grip on reality.  Now I can strangle it.', 'I have been poor and I have been rich.  Rich is better.', 'I have but three enemies: fear, anger, ignorance.', 'I have my wife on a 4 year lease with an option to buy.', 'I have seen the data...now bring me some I can agree with', "I haven't lost my mind, it's backed up on disk", 'I idiot-proof my programs, & along comes a bigger idiot.', 'I just took an IQ test.  The results were negative.', "I like your approach, now let's see your departure", 'I love animals!  But they all seem to taste like chicken.', "I may be wrong, but I'm never in doubt!", "I may have my faults, but being wrong ain't one of them.", 'I may have settled in shipping.', "I may look busy, but I'm just confused!", "I need a drink...where's the SPACE BAR?", 'I never get lost, just momentarily disoriented.', 'I still miss my ex-wife - but my aim is improving!', 'I think my learning curve has turned into a circle.', 'I think, therefore I am, I think', 'I thought I was a wit, and I was half right.', 'I tried to drown my sorrows, but they can swim.', 'I tñld yoñ, "Neverñtouch ñhe flopñy disk sñrface!"', 'I used to jog, but the ice kept falling out of my glass.', 'I was on a roll, till I slipped on the butter.', "I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now", 'I was talking during sex and my girlfriend hung up.', "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous", "I'd love to, but I'm observing National Apathy Week.", "I'd love to, but I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.", "I'd love to, but I'm touring China with a wok band.", "I'd love to, but my bathroom tiles need grouting.", "I'd love to, but my favorite commercial is on TV.", "I'd love to, but my patent is pending.", "I'd love to, but my uncle escaped again.", "I'd love to, but the President said he might drop in.", "I'll get to it on the 2nd Tuesday of next week.", "I'll have what the gentleman on the floor is having.", "I'm as confused as a baby at a topless bar!", "I'm Buy-sexual, I have to pay for it.", "I'm easy to please as long as I get my way.", "I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it?", "I'm not a complete idiot - several parts are missing.", "I'm not afraid of flying, I'm afraid of crashing.", "I'm not afraid of heights; I'm afraid of widths.", "I'm not dead, I'm metabolically challenged.", "I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you!", 'I\'m not lost, I\'m "locationally challenged."', "I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?", 'I\'m not rude, I\'m "attitudinally challenged".', "I'm not spoiled...I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!", "I'm not worthless.  I can always serve as a bad example.", "I'm sorry Mrs. Bobbitt, you can't send that in the mail.", "I'm spending a year dead for tax purposes.", "I've met zucchini with more potential.", "I've seen condom vending machines, but this one installs.", "if ( original_ver == OK )  don't_upgrade();", 'If (Wife = "yes") then (MONEY = "Gone") else Single', 'If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.', "If all goes well, you've overlooked something!", 'If an experiment works, something has gone wrong', "If at first you don't succeed, call it Ver 1.0", 'If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil . . .', 'If I save time, when do I get it back ?', 'If I throw a cat out the car window, is it kitty litter?', "If I want your opinion I'll beat it out of you!", "If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy folks?", 'If it jams, force it....If it breaks, it needed replacing', "If it screams, it's not food, yet....", 'If it works, rip it apart and find out why!', 'If it works, you must have done something wrong.', "If it's obvious, it's obviously wrong.", "If it's useless, it will have to be documented.", 'If love is blind, lingerie makes great braille.', 'If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help!', "If screwups were dollars, I'd be a millionaire!!", "If she can't take the heat, get her out of the oven!", 'If the thread ended in her jeans, should we follow it?', 'If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?', "If things improve with age, I'm nearly MAGNIFICENT!", "If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.", 'If Version 1.0 works someone goofed...', "If you can't laugh at yourself ... I'll do it for you.", "If you can't make it good, make it big.", "If you can't make it good, make it expensive.", 'If you have nothing to say, please only say it once!', "If you really want to know, you won't ask me.", "If you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.", 'If you want her to show emotion, cut up her credit cards.', 'if you want someone to keep a secret, keep it yourself.', 'If you want the last word with a woman, apologize.', 'In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a pole.', 'In an empty head, you can hear forever....', 'In zen skiing, you learn to become one with the snow.', 'Include this in your CONFIG.SYS File: BUGS=OFF', 'Insanity is just a state of mind.', 'Insert disk 5 of 4 and press any key to continue', "Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.", 'Invest in negotiable blondes...', 'It is always darkest just before you turn on the lights.', 'It said "Insert disk #3", but only 2 will fit!', 'It was so cold, I almost got married.', "It wasn't my fault your wife wandered into my house!", "It's 10:00pm.  Do you know where your daughter is?", "It's been a business doing pleasure with you...", "It's not a BUG, it's an undocumented feature!", "It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.", "It's not the money I want, it's the stuff.", "It's not worth it.  I'm going back to bed.", "It's tagline poker.  Can you beat EIGHT aces...?", 'Its rarely fun, never easy, and always expensive!', 'Jesus saves....Passes to Moses....He shoots!  HE SCORES!', 'Junk - stuff we throw away.  Stuff - junk we keep.', 'Just got a new car for my wife... Great trade...', 'Just when you got it all figured out:  An UPGRADE!', 'Just when you thought it was safe to go outside...', 'Kinky: Using A Feather. Sick: Using The Whole Chicken', 'Last night sex was so good the neighbors lit cigarettes.', 'Last words of Socrates: "I drank what?!?!"', 'Lead me not into temptation, I can find my own way', 'Life is a game.  Money is how we keep score.', 'Life is not fair...it IS, however, quite a circus.', 'Life is short, eat dessert first.', "Live long and prosper... But don't let the IRS know.", 'Lots of people make sense, I want to make $$$', 'Love is grand. Divorce is twenty grand.', 'Love of money is the root of all politics.', 'Lunatic asylum: where optimism most flourishes.', 'Luxuriantly hand-crafted from only the finest ASCII.', "Madness takes it's toll. Please have exact change.", 'Mail your ideas written on the back of a $20 bill to...', 'May your screen live long and phosphor.', "Maybe they'll send you a free upgrade...NOT!", "Me, indecisive?  I don't think I am, do you?", 'Memories of you remind me of you.', "Microwave Hint#3: Make a hole in the turtle's shell first", 'Minds, like parachutes, work best when open.', 'Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.', 'Mistress: something between a mister and a matteress', 'Money is like a promise, easier made then kept.', 'Money talks - mine says "Goodbye"', 'Multitasking = screwing up several things at once.', "My Body's here, but my Mind's on vacation.", 'My boss is tempermental.  50% temper and 50% mental.', "My wife loves ME--it's the computer she hates!", 'Network management is like trying to herd cats...', 'Never fight with a bear in his own cave.', 'Never hit a man with glasses.  Use your fist!', "Never insult 7 men when all you're packing is a 6-shooter", 'Never trust a person who says, "Trust Me"....', "New religion? I haven't used up the old one, yet!", 'Next time you wave, use ALL of your fingers!!', 'No Credit, Bad Credit? No Problem. No Money?  Problem.', 'No, no, nurse! I said SLIP off his SPECTACLES!!', 'Objects under T-Shirt are larger than they appear.', "Of all the people I've met, you're certainly one of 'em.", "Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most!", 'Of course I have backup tapes!  Do you want last years?', 'Philosophy:  unintelligible answers to insoluble problems', 'Plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery.', 'Plastic explosives will be appropriate later in the week.', 'Please affix a 29-cent stamp on your next message.', 'Please save the above drivel for future reference!', 'Please type your Bank PIN number in your reply again.', 'Politicians are like diapers, they need to be changed often.', 'Politicians cut red tape....LENGTHWISE', 'Polls show that 9 out of 6 schizophrenics agree.', "Pornography? I don't even have a pornograph!", "Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!", 'Procrastination Day Has Been Postponed!', 'Professionals built the Titanic, amateurs built the ark.', "Programmers don't get sniffles, they get a CODE.", 'Proofread carefully to see if you any words out!', 'Public Restroom-The only place a flush beats a full house', "Purranoia: the fear one's cats are up to something.", "Put on your seatbelt. I'm gonna try something new.", 'Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.', 'Resist everything but temptation.', 'Rudolph changed his nose to 500 watts. Blew a fuse.', 'Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.', "Santa uses 'The Club' in New York, a vest in Florida.", "Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.", 'Scaldophobia: Fear the toilet will flush while showering.', 'Schizophrenia beats being alone.', 'Seeing is believing, Touching is convincing..', 'Send $20 and I will doubble your IQ or no money back', "Send me a dollar and I'll send 3 cents to your charity.", "Sharks don't eat lawyers. Professional courtesy.", 'She said she had nothing to wear.  I smiled.', 'Shock me, say something intelligent!', 'Should we tell the children when we move?', "Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.", 'Solve the problems of the world: Vote anarchist.', "Some days you're the windshield, some days the bug.", 'Still sliding down the razor blade of life', 'Stipulation #1:  There will be no stipulations', "Stop talking!  I'm out of aspirin!", 'Success is just a matter of luck.  Ask any failure.', 'Sure I can help you out!  Which way did you come in?', 'SWF, blonde bombshell, seeks man now.  No SYSOPs.', 'System halted.  There is NOTHING you can do.', "Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.", "Take no prisoners, we can't feed them.", 'The above opinion is worth 2 cents.', 'The best defense against logic is stupidity.', 'The bigger they are, the harder they hit you.', "The check's in the mail... Trust me!", 'The earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can.', 'The girl of your dreams is unavailable except in print.', 'The man who dies with the most toys is dead..', 'The most expensive component is the one that breaks.', 'The Negative orgasm:     "Oh no, Ohh nooo, OH NOOO !"', "The only dumb question is one you haven't asked yet.", "The tuna doesn't taste the same without the dolphin.", 'The wise open their minds, but a fool opens his mouth.', 'The world is coming to an end. Please log off properly.', 'There are no bugs, only unrecognized features.', 'There is no such thing as bravery; only degrees of fear.', 'Things working well, no problems.  Time to upgrade.', 'This building is so high, the elevator shows movies.', 'This is your brain.  Postscript on brain your is This.', 'Those with the weapons make the rules.', 'Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.', 'Tip #9: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS', 'To err is human, to forgive is against my policy', 'To err is human. To moo is bovine.', 'To every exception there is a rule.', "To get a loan you must prove you don't need it.", 'To get the point, rub a porcupine backwards.', 'To hell with criticism.  Praise is good enough for me.', 'To know the road ahead, ask those coming back.', 'To our sweethearts and wives.  May they never meet!', "To test a man's character, give him power.", 'Today is a good day for you to jump in a lake.', 'Today is a good day to bribe a high--ranking official.', 'Today is cancelled due to lack of interest!', 'Today is the first day of the rest of your life.', 'Took an hour to bury the cat.  Silly thing kept moving...', 'Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again!', 'Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.', 'Unfortunately, Wife 1.0 is not upgradable', 'Unsolicited advice answers unasked questions', 'Unzip, expand, explode... What pervert came up with this?', 'Veni, vedi, VCR:  I came, I saw, I dubbed.', 'Want to confuse people?  Quote from the wrong message!', 'War never decides who is right, only who is left.', 'We are born crying, live complaining, die disappointed', 'We give nothing as willingly as our advice.', 'We have no solution, but we sure admire the problem.', 'We make our own fortunes and call them our fate.', "We'll burn that bridge when we come to it.", "We're all sitting in the same boat: I fish, you row.", "We're lost but we're making good time.", "Well, to be frank, I'd have to change my name.", 'What are the instructions doing in the trash??', 'What are you looking down here for?  Read the message.', 'What if there were no hypothetical questions?', 'What is this tiny hole in the bathroom wall for?', 'What part of "NO" didn\'t you understand...?', "What principles?  I'm trying to get elected!", 'What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?', 'When a cow laughs, does milk come up its nose?', 'When a girl goes bad--men go right after her.', 'When all else fails, read the directions.', 'When all else fails, read the manual.', 'When all else fails, spend money!', 'When all else is lost, the future still remains.', 'When all is said and done, more is said then done.', 'When an Agnostic dies, does he go to the Great Perhaps?', 'When choosing between two evils, select the newer one.', "When I want your advice, I'll beat it out of you", 'When in doubt, mumble.  When in trouble, delegate.', 'When talking nonsense try not to be serious.', 'When your IQ hits 21, SELL!!', 'Who is General Failure, and *WHY* is he reading my disk?', "Why can't women put the toilet seat back up?", 'Why do those that pay the least complain the most?', 'Why get even, when you can get odd?', 'Wife to sleeping spouse: "Wake up! Who the hell is Tina!!?"', 'Windows speed tip: type DEL \\WINDOWS\\*.*', 'Without my ignorance, your knowledge would be meaningless', 'Women prefer the simple things in life...MEN!', 'Women take to good hearted men. Also from.', 'Women were meant to be loved, not understood.', 'Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.', 'Women who wear mini-skirts sure are cheeky folk.', 'Women! Cant live with them, Cant live with them!', 'Words are not food, though sometimes we must eat them.', 'World Ends at 3pm; Film at 5 on WLKY Early News....', 'Worth seeing?  Yes, but not worth going to see.', 'Would it help if I got out and pushed?', 'Would you like to have some pizza with that sausage?', 'You are an example of why some animals eat their young.', 'You are confused; but this is your normal state.', 'You are in a maze of twisty little programs, all alike.', 'You are in a maze of UUCP connections, all alike.', 'You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories.', 'You can go home now, I can finish this without you.', 'You can never get rid of a bad temper by losing it.', 'You can pick your friends, but not your relatives.', "You can send me to college, but you can't make me think.", 'You CAN trust the government...ask any Indian.', 'You can turn ANY conversation into one about sex!', "You can't do that. It's been digitally cursed.", 'You go to heaven...God sneezes... What do you say?', 'You have an important role as a negative example.', 'You have been selected for a secret mission.', 'You have mistaken me for someone who gives a damn', 'You have only a very small head and must live within it.', "You have PMS and a Handgun?  I'll go quietly.....", 'You have the right to remain silent....  USE IT!', 'You have to be sharp to be on the cutting edge.', 'You have two choices for dinner: Take it or Leave it.', 'You look like a million dollars.  All in loose change.', 'You may use this opinion for a two week trial period.', "You used to be indecisive.  Now you're not sure.", 'You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.', 'You will be told about it tomorrow.  Go home and prepare', "You will become rich and famous unless you don't.", 'You will never be younger then you are today..', "You would if you could but you can't so you won't.", "You're always seated by a crying child during long flights.", "You're not losing more hair, you're gaining more scalp.", "You're not old, You're chronologically disadvantaged", "You're only young once.  You're immature forever.", 'You\'re PC if you think a "chick" is a baby bird.', "You've obviously been educated beyond your intelligence.", 'Your aims are high, and you are incapable of much.', 'Your analyst has you confused with another patient.', 'Your boss is thinking about you.', "Your ex just called....she's with the IRS now.", 'Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder!']
programmer_funny_quotes.extend(['McGowan\'s Madison Avenue Axiom:\n   If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it\'s not $19.95.', "Van Roy's Law:\n     An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.", "How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.", 'Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:\n        Superiority is recessive.', "Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.  They're too\nbusy worrying over what you are thinking about them.", "Ducharm's Axiom:\n        If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize\n        yourself as part of the problem.", 'A Law of Computer Programming:\n        Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you\n        will find the programmers cannot write in English.', "Turnaucka's Law:\n        The attention span of a computer is only as long as its\n        electrical cord.", 'One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they\nnever have to stop and answer the phone.', "Bradley's Bromide:\n        If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a\n        committee -- that will do them in.", 'At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will\nfind at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on\nthe computer.', 'If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage.  But\nthis garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is\nsomehow enobled and none dare criticize it.', 'Old programmers never die.  They just branch to a new address.', "The past always looks better than it was.  It's only pleasant because\nit isn't here.\n                -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)", 'Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.\n                -- Groucho Marx', 'Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.\n                -- Groucho Marx', 'Eggheads unite!  You have nothing to lose but your yolks.\n                -- Adlai Stevenson', 'A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest\nin students.\n                -- John Ciardi', 'The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided\nby the number of people in the group.', 'Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.\n                -- Jules de Gaultier', 'Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of\nindigestion.', 'Justice: A decision in your favor.', 'Kin: An affliction of the blood', 'Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered\nto date.', 'Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the\nworld has ever seen.', 'Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes.', 'Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.', 'Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.\n                -- Mark Twain', 'Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called\nupon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.\n                -- Oscar Wilde', 'Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of', '"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start\nwith a large fortune."', 'Noncombatant: A dead Quaker.\n                -- Ambrose Bierce', 'The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the\npoor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal\nbread.\n                -- Anatole France', 'BLISS is ignorance', "God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh", 'Predestination was doomed from the start.', 'Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, and a dark side, and\nit holds the universe together...\n                -- Carl Zwanzig', 'Xerox does it again and again and again and ...', 'Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.', 'Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.', 'Love is sentimental measles.', 'Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find\nthere is nothing in it.', "If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you\nreally make them think they'll hate you.", 'I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do\nwas to go away.', 'If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are\nheaded.', '"All my friends and I are crazy.  That\'s the only thing that keeps us\nsane."', '"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is\nmake the rubble bounce"\n                -- Winston Churchill', 'But scientists, who ought to know\nAssure us that it must be so.\nOh, let us never, never doubt\nWhat nobody is sure about.\n                -- Hilaire Belloc', 'Hello Dr. Falken.\nWould you like to play Global Thermo-nuclear War?', "Real Programmers don't write specs -- users should consider themselves lucky to\nget any programs at all and take what they get.", "Real Programmers don't comment their code.  If it was hard to write, it should\nbe hard to understand.", "Real Programmers don't write application programs; they program right down on\nthe bare metal.  Application programming is for feebs who can't do systems\nprogramming.", "Real Programmers don't eat quiche.  In fact, real programmers don't know how to\nSPELL quiche.  They eat Twinkies, and Szechwan food.", "Real Programmers don't write in COBOL.  COBOL is for wimpy applications\nprogrammers.", 'Real Programmers\' programs never work right the first time.  But if you throw\nthem on the machine they can be patched into working in "only a few" 30-hour\ndebugging sessions.', "Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN.  FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and\ncrystallography weenies.", "Real Programmers never work 9 to 5.  If any real programmers are around a 9 AM,\nit's because they were up all night.", "Real Programmers don't write in BASIC.  Actually, no programmers write in BASIC\nafter the age of 12.", "Real Programmers don't write in PL/I.  PL/I is for programmers who can't decide\nwhether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.", "Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires you to\nchanger clothes.  Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers wear their\nclimbing boots to work in case a  mountain should suddenly spring up in the\nmiddle of the machine room.", "Real Programmers don't document.  Documentation is for simps who can't read the\nlistings or the object deck.", "Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any of those pinko\ncomputer science languages.  Strong typing is for people with weak memories.", 'The secret to success is sincerity. Once you learn to fake that you have\nit made.', 'Never let your child play with a loaded carp.', 'The answer is 42.\n-Deep Thought', "I don't do booze,\nit dulls the drugs.", 'LSD consumes 47 times its weight in excess reality.', "I'm not as think as you stoned I am.", 'Computers are infalllible.', "The three laws of thermodynamics:\n\nThe First Law:  You can't get anything without working for it.\nThe Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break\n                even.\nThe Third Law:  You can only break even at absolute zero.", 'Famous last words:\n        1) "Don\'t worry, I can handle it."\n        2) "You and what army?"\n        3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn\'t be\n            a cop."', 'Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.\n        Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,\n        in kernel as it is in user!', 'Nothing is faster than the speed of light...\n\nTo prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before\nthe light comes on.', 'Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in\n   San Francisco?\nA: Both of them.', "San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.", 'Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids.', "Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no\ngovernment at all.", 'Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?', 'Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last\nyou are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his\natlantic with his verb in his mouth.\n                -- Mark Twain', '"Now is the time for all good men to come to."\n                -- Walt Kelly', 'Laetrile is the pits', 'Got Mole problems?\nCall Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23', "There's no future in time travel", 'Vitamin C deficiency is apauling', 'Time flies like an arrow\nFruit flies like a banana', 'Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.', 'Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.', '"Really ??  What a coincidence, I\'m shallow too!!"', 'But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the\nsystem, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,\nanalyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.\n                -- Bruce Leverett\n                   "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"', "Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.  Check\nthree friends.  If they're ok, you're it.", 'USER n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.', "Worst Month of the Year: February.  February has only 28 days in it,\nwhich means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three\nfull days you don't get.  Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.", 'Worst Vegetable of the Year: The brussels sprout.  This is also the\nworst vegetable of next year.', 'Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: January.  The lines are the\nshortest, though.', "There once was a girl named Irene\nWho lived on distilled kerosene\n        But she started absorbin'\n        A new hydrocarbon\nAnd since then has never benzene.", 'Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus\nhandicapped.\n                -- Elbert Hubbard', 'Computer programmers do it byte by byte', '"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but\nWorld War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."\n                -- Albert Einstein', 'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.\n                -- Eleanor Roosevelt', 'I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts', 'What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.', 'This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88', '"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."\n                -- Bill Hoest', 'Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: Three.  One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those\nCalifornians trying to share the experience.', 'Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.', 'She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could\nhave poured on a waffle.', "He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.", "People will buy anything that's one to a customer.", 'It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.', 'How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.', "The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.  I\nhope I don't get run over again.", 'What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.', 'Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out if it alive.', 'Forgetfulness: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for\ntheir destitution of conscience.', 'Absentee: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove\nhimself from the sphere of exaction.', 'You will be surprised by a loud noise.', 'As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.', '"In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian."', 'President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and\nforecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.', 'Absent: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;\nslandered.', 'Brain, v.: [as in "to brain"] To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to\ndispel a source of error in an opponent.', 'Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.', 'A computer, to print out a fact,\nWill divide, multiply, and subtract.\n        But this output can be\n        No more than debris,\nIf the input was short of exact.\n                -- Gigo', 'Corrupt: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.', 'Nature and nature\'s laws lay hid in night,\nGod said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.\n\nIt did not last; the devil howling "Ho!\nLet Einstein be!" restored the status quo.', "Razors pain you;\nRivers are damp;\nAcids stain you;\nAnd drugs cause cramp.\nGuns aren't lawful;\nNooses give;\nGas smells awful;\nYou might as well live.\n                -- Dorothy Parker", 'Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time\nto reform.\n                -- Mark Twain', 'There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full.\n                -- Henry Kissinger', 'Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.\n                --Oscar Wilde', 'The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.\n                -- Oscar Wilde', 'About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the\nends.\n                -- Herbert Hoover', 'There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and\nthat is not being talked about.\n                -- Oscar Wilde', 'The sun was shining on the sea,\nShining with all his might:\nHe did his very best to make\nThe billows smooth and bright --\nAnd this was very odd, because it was\nThe middle of the night.\n                -- Lewis Carroll', "It's not that I'm afraid to die.  I just don't want to be there when it\nhappens.\n                -- Woody Allen.", 'The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more\nannoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.\n                -- Oscar Wilde', "I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.\n                -- Joe Walsh", '43rd Law of Computing:\n        Anything that can go wr\nfortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped', 'Never try to outstubborn a cat.\n                -- Lazarus Long', 'FLASH!  Intelligence of mankind decreasing.  Details at ... uh, when\nthe little hand is on the ....', 'Only God can make random selections.', 'Space is big.  You just won\'t believe how vastly, hugely, mind-\nbogglingly big it is.  I mean, you may think it\'s a long way down the\nroad to the drug store, but that\'s just peanuts to space.\n\n                -- "The Hitchhiker\'s Guide to the Galaxy"', "Limericks are art forms complex,\nTheir topics run chiefly to sex.\n        They usually have virgins,\n        And masculine urgin's,\nAnd other erotic effects.", "Kinkler's First Law:\n        Responsibility always exceeds authority.\n\nKinkler's Second Law:\n        All the easy problems have been solved.", '"Why be a man when you can be a success?"\n                -- Bertold Brecht', '"Matrimony isn\'t a word, it\'s a sentence."', 'How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?\n\nNone.  The Universe spines the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of\nthe way.', "University: Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's\nusable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to\nfix it, and ...", 'How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?\nNone: "We\'ll fix it in software."', 'How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?\nNone: "We\'ll document it in the manual."', 'How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?\nNone: "The user can work it out."', 'God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board\n                -- Mark Twain', 'Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors and\nmiss', 'Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.', 'The Pig, if I am not mistaken,\nGives us ham and pork and Bacon.\nLet others think his heart is big,\nI think it stupid of the Pig.', "I think that I shall never see\nA billboard lovely as a tree.\nPerhaps, unless the billboards fall\nI'll never see a tree at all.", 'Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic', 'Today is the first day of the rest of the mess', 'Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday', "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.", 'Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.', 'Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting\nenough cheese', 'Whether you can hear it or not\nThe Universe is laughing behind your back', "Go 'way!  You're bothering me!", 'Put your Nose to the Grindstone!\n                -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.', "Chicken Soup:  An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of\naureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC.  The only ailment chicken\nsoup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.\n                -- Arthur Naiman", 'One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God\ncreate goyim?"  The generally accepted answer is "_s_o_m_e_b_o_d_y has to buy\nretail."\n                -- Arthur Naiman', '"I am not an Economist.  I am an honest man!"\n                -- Paul McCracken', 'Dying is a very dull, dreary affair.  And my advice to you is to\nhave nothing whatever to do with it.\n                -- W. Somerset Maughm', "Good-bye.  I am leaving because I am bored.\n                -- George Saunders' dying words", "Die?  I should say not, dear fellow.  No Barrymore would allow such a\nconventional thing to happen to him.\n                -- John Barrymore's dying words", 'Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.', 'It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct\none.', 'If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.', 'Everyting should be built top-down, except the first time.', "Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which it was\nwritten and another for which it wasn't.", "If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake\nhim up.", 'Optimization hinders evolution.', "A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is\nnot worth knowing.", 'Everyone can be taught to sculpt:  Michelangelo would have had to be\ntaught how _n_o_t to.  So it is with the great programmers.', 'Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.', 'Never call a man a fool.  Borrow from him.', 'Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.', 'A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.', 'Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.', "Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.  Now, if they'd only\ntake a bath...", '"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both\neyes..."', 'It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the\nflag.', 'Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to\navoid responsibility with?', 'SHIFT TO THE LEFT!  SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!\nPOP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!', 'The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the\naverage man can see better than he can think.', '"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."\n                -- Yiddish saying', 'Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"\n1st customer: "I\'ll have tea."\n2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"\n        (Waiter exits, returns)\nWaiter: "Two teas.  Which one asked for the clean glass?"', 'The men sat sipping their tea in silence.  After a while the klutz\nsaid, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."\n     "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other.  "Why?"\n     "How should I know?  What am I, a philosopher?"', 'Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on\npeople.\n                -- W. C. Fields', 'There is something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesale\nreturns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.\n                -- Mark Twain', 'This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget\nit.', 'Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a\nchange.', 'Beware of low-flying butterflies.', 'Green light in A.M. for new projects.  Red light in P.M. for traffic\ntickets.', 'Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.', 'Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.', "Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.  Don't believe a\nthing he tells you.", 'Do not drink coffee in early A.M.  It will keep you awake until noon.', 'You may be recognized soon.  Hide.', "You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot\ntoday.", 'Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.', 'Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.', "You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first\nand last month in advance.", 'Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.', "You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.", "Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.", 'Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.', "Don't feed the bats tonight.", 'Stay away from flying saucers today.', "You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.", 'Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.', 'Help a swallow land at Capistrano.', 'Succumb to natural tendencies.  Be hateful and boring.', 'Half Moon tonight.  (At least its better than no Moon at all.)', 'Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.', 'Message will arrive in the mail.  Destroy, before the FBI sees it.', 'Do what comes naturally now.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.', 'Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.', "Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get any better so\nget used to it.", 'Truth will be out this morning.  (Which may really mess things up.)', 'Travel important today;  Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.', 'Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.', 'You can create your own opportunities this week.  Blackmail a senior\nexecutive.', 'Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.', 'Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.', 'Think of your family tonight.  Try to crawl home after the\ncomputer crashes.', 'Show respect for age.  Drink good Scotch for a change.', 'Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and moving to\na new town.', 'If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens\ntomorrow!', 'Excellent day to have a rotten day.', 'You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You are not paid enough\nto worry.', "Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.", 'Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your\nnails.', "Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.", "A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.", "Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as\nthey ought to be.  Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out\na cynic's eyes to improve his vision.", 'Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery\nof another.', 'Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is\nthey charge fifteen cents for them.', 'Question:\nMan Invented Alcohol,\nGod Invented Grass.\nWho do you trust?', 'The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up\nin the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.', 'You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.', 'Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which\notherwise require harder thinking.\n                -- Jerome Lettvin', "Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop\nwriting.\n                -- R. Geis", "Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.  It's easy to\ncriticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.\n                -- D. J. Hicks", "What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?\n                -- Peter S. Beagle", "If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.", 'According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are\ntotally worthless.', 'Wasting time is an important part of living.', 'Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders\nhas been discontinued.', "I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday\nlife.", 'Excellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike office water cooler.', 'Excellent time to become a missing person.', 'A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?', 'Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.', 'Spend extra time on hobby.  Get plenty of rolling papers.', 'Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.', 'Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to school.', "Screw up your courage!  You've screwed up everything else.", "Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.", 'Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.', 'You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.', 'Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live\nin eucalyptus trees.', 'Surprise due today.  Also the rent.', 'Avoid reality at all costs.', 'Good day to let down old friends who need help.', "Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't\nhave a lucky day this year.", 'You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading\nthis sort of trash.', 'What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.', "Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.", 'Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.', 'Stay away from hurricanes for a while.', "A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.\nAvoid him.  He's a Commie.", 'I really hate this damned machine\nI wish that they would sell it.\nIt never does quite what I want\nBut only what I tell it.', 'Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.', "Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.", 'Nihilism should commence with oneself.', 'Vote anarchist', "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.", 'Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.', 'Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.', 'Old soldiers never die.  Young ones do.', "UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.", 'In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools\nwill be temporarily canceled.', 'Drive defensively.  Buy a tank.', 'Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting\nfor a dial tone.', 'The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.', 'Condense soup, not books!', 'The world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those library books!', 'Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to\nexciting Delaware, New Jersy. (Home of Barry Fletcher!)', 'Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.', 'Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.', 'Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.', 'Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.', "Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.", 'Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.', 'What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!', 'Hire the morally handicapped.', 'I can resist anything but temptation.', 'Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.', "Don't knock President Fillmore.  He kept us out of Vietnam.", 'Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.', 'Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.', 'Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of\n        Western Civilization?\nGandhi: I think it would be a good idea.', 'Xerox never comes up with anything original.', 'Acid -- better living through chemistry.', '"All flesh is grass"\n          -- Isaiah\n\n            Smoke a friend today.', '"You\'ll never be the man your mother was!"', 'George Orwell was an optimist.', 'Chicken Little was right.', '"Qvid me anxivs svm?"', 'Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.', "Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.", 'Cleveland still lives.  God _m_u_s_t be dead.', "Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!", "They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!", 'Hail to the sun god\nHe sure is a fun god\nRa!  Ra!  Ra!', 'Brain fried -- Core dumped', 'Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.', "Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at\nonce.", 'If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger\nhands.', 'What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.', 'Losing your drivers\' license is just God\'s way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"', 'A closed mouth gathers no foot.', "A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano...", "Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?\nA: 33.  1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.", 'Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.\n                -- Salvor Hardin', '"Who cares if it doesn\'t do anything?  It was made with our new\nTriple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process..."', '"There are three possibilities: Pioneer\'s solar panel has turned away\n>from the sun; there\'s a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone\nloaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."', 'If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?', 'Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.', "Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down", 'Down with categorical imperative!', 'Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends', 'Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.', 'Things are more like they used to be than they are now.', 'Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.', 'Lysistrata had a good idea.', 'Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.', 'Paul Revere was a tattle-tale', 'Familiarity breeds attempt', 'Coronation: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and\nvisible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite\nbomb.', 'Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.', 'Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human\naffairs has always been dominant and controlling.', 'Honorable: Afflicted with an impediment in one\'s reach.  In legislative\nbodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the\nhonorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."', 'Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.', 'God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days\nand then pulled an all-nighter.', 'God is a polythiest', "God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.", 'If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?', '"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"\nasked the father of his little son.\n        "Diet."', "Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to\nourselves.", 'Death: to stop sinning suddenly.', '"Might as well be frank, monsieur.  It would take a miracle to get you\nout of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles."', 'Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes\nto work.', '"That must be wonderful!  I don\'t understand it at all."', "The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up\nat the steam fitters' picnic.", 'As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not\ncertain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.\n                -- Albert Einstein', "Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.\n                -- R. Geis", '"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and\nif it were so, it would be; but as it isn\'t, it ain\'t.  That\'s logic!"\n                -- Lewis Carroll', 'It is the business of the future to be dangerous.\n                -- Hawkwind', 'The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.', 'There was a young poet named Dan,\nWhose poetry never would scan.\n        When told this was so,\n        He said, "Yes, I know.\nIt\'s because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line\nthat I can."', "A limerick packs laughs anatomical\nInto space that is quite economical.\n        But the good ones I've seen\n        So seldom are clean,\nAnd the clean ones so seldom are comical.", '"We don\'t care.  We don\'t have to.  We\'re the Phone Company."', '"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from\nPresidents and Kings to the scum of the earth..."', '"Why isn\'t there a special name for the tops of your feet?"\n                -- Lily Tomlin', "God is not dead!  He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's", '"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."\n                -- Albert Einstein', 'If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied\nharder.\n                -- Pope John Paul I', "There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn\nwhat it is I'll get married again.\n                -- Clint Eastwood", 'Flappity, floppity, flip\nThe mouse on the m"obius strip;\n        The strip revolved,\n        The mouse dissolved\nIn a chronodimensional skip.', "...And malt does more than Milton can\nto justify God's ways to man\n                -- A. E. Housman", "WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE\n\n        Oh, dear, where can the matter be\n        When it's converted to energy?\n        There is a slight loss of parity.\n        Johnny's so long at the fair.", 'IBM had a PL/I,\n        Its syntax worse than JOSS;\nAnd everywhere this language went,\n        It was a total loss.', "System/3!  System/3!\nSee how it runs!  See how it runs!\n        Its monitor loses so totally!\n        It runs all its programs in RPG!\n        It's made by our favorite monopoly!\nSystem/3!", 'As I was passing Project MAC,\nI met a Quux with seven hacks.\nEvery hack had seven bugs;\nEvery bug had seven manifestations;\nEvery manifestation had seven symptoms.\nSymptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,\nHow many losses at Project MAC?', "Reclaimer, spare that tree!\nTake not a single bit!\nIt used to point to me,\nNow I'm protecting it.\nIt was the reader's CONS\nThat made it, paired by dot;\nNow, GC, for the nonce,\nThou shalt reclaim it not.", '99 blocks of crud on the disk,\n99 blocks of crud!\nYou patch a bug, and dump it again:\n100 blocks of crud on the disk!\n\n100 blocks of crud on the disk,\n100 blocks of crud!\nYou patch a bug, and dump it again:\n101 blocks of crud on the disk!...', 'THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES\n        The one who has the gold makes the rules.', 'If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances\nare 50-50 it will.', 'A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive', 'Accident: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of\nbody is better.\n                -- Foolish Dictionary', 'Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats.', 'Accuracy: The vice of being right', '"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from\ncoughing."', 'Adolescence: The stage between puberty and adultery.', 'Adult: One old enough to know better.', 'Advertisement: The most truthful part of a newspaper\n                -- Thomas Jefferson', 'Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad\nexample.\n                -- La Rouchefoucauld', 'Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted\nthe morning.', 'Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of\nthem keeps paying for it.\n                -- Peggy Joyce', 'Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.\n                -- Charlie McCarthy', "America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism\nto decadence without touching civilization.\n                -- John O'Hara", "Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.", 'Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your\nshoes.\n                -- Mickey Mouse', 'Ass: The masculine of "lass".', 'Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down\npedestrians.', 'A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no\nresponsibility at the other.', 'A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman\nout of a divorce.\n                -- Don Quinn', 'A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining\nand wants it back the minute it begins to rain.\n                -- Mark Twain', 'Boy: A noise with dirt on it.', 'Broad-mindedness: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.', 'A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well\nas afterward.', 'California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.\n                -- Fred Allen', 'A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the\npoor to protect them from each other.', 'Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every\neffort to teach them good manners.', 'Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.', 'Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of\ntobacco in between.', 'A city is a large community where people are lonesome together\n                -- Herbert Prochnow', '"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live\nelsewhere."', 'Collaboration: A literary partnership based on the false assumption\nthat the other fellow can spell.', 'Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking\n                -- H. L. Mencken', 'Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his\nbreath is called the listener.', '"Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth\nCorner, Vermont."\n                -- Clarence Darrow', 'The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to\neat.\n                -- John McNulty', 'Cynic: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.', 'Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the\nincompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.\n                -- G. B. Shaw', 'Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder\naloud what the country could do under first-class management.\n                -- Senator Soaper', 'Die: To stop sinning suddenly.\n                -- Elbert Hubbard', 'Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.', "A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a\nfur coat.", 'Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain\nof being a damned fool.\n                -- Bellamy Brooks', 'Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.', 'Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a\nmistake when you make it again.\n                -- F. P. Jones', '"It\'s Fabulous!  We haven\'t seen anything like it in the last half an\nhour!"\n                -- Macy\'s', 'Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.', 'Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic\nwithout looking to see whether the seeds move.', 'Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it\nevery six months.\n                -- Oscar Wilde', 'We wish you a Hare Krishna\nWe wish you a Hare Krishna\nWe wish you a Hare Krishna\nAnd a Sun Myung Moon!\n\n                -- Maxwell Smart', 'If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.', 'There was a young lady from Hyde\nWho ate a green apple and died.\n        While her lover lamented\n        The apple fermented\nAnd made cider inside her inside.', "If I traveled to the end of the rainbow\nAs Dame Fortune did intend,\nMurphy would be there to tell me\nThe pot's at the other end.\n                -- Bert Whitney", "Silverman's Law:\n        If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.", 'Hindsight is an exact science.', "Ducharme's Precept:\n        Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.", "If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.", "Naeser's Law:\n        You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it\n        damnfoolproof.", 'The Third Law of Photography:\n        If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined\n        when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of\n        the dark leaks out.', "Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:\n        If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented\n        it wasn't worth doing.", "Conway's Law:\n        In any organization there will always be one person who knows\n        what is going on.\n\n        This person must be fired.", 'It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.', 'Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then\ngive it back to them.', 'There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be\ndoing.', 'Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the\nmail.  Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the\nBoss is reading it.', "Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving\n>from where you left them to where you can't find them.", "DeVries' Dilemma:\n        If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want\n        hits the paper.", 'When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.', "Finagle's Creed:\n        Science is true.  Don't be misled by facts.", "Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:\n        1.  If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only\n            once.\n        2.  If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data\n            points.", "Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention\n        Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will\n        reject the proposal.", "Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming\n        Never test for an error condition you don't know how to\n        handle.", "When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you\nmodify the problem, not the remedy.", "Horngren's Observation:\n        Among economists, the real world is often a special case.", "First Rule of History:\n        History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each\n        other.", "Hanlon's Razor:\n        Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by\n        stupidity.", "Fourth Law of Applied Terror:\n        The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology\n        instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.\nCorollary:\n        Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do\n        except study for that instructor's course.", 'Fifth Law of Applied Terror:\n        If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.\nCorollary:\n        If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you\n        live.', "Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he\nknows what it is.", 'Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.', 'Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn\'t.  The label means the\nprice went up.  The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"\nmeans the price went way up.', 'Re graphics:  A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to\ndescribe the picture.  Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately\ndescribed with pictures.', 'There are two ways to write error-free programs.  Only the third one\nworks.', 'As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free\nvariable."', 'The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";\nbut that\'s because it\'s the best book on anything for the layman.', "Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may\nrevitalize the corner saloon.", 'Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but\nnothing of interest is easy.', 'A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of\nnothing.', 'It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice\nversa.', 'In English, every word can be verbed.  Would that it were so in our\nprogramming languages.', "In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.  Only\nwe can't control when the five year period will begin.", 'Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is\nmeant to be discarded:  That the whole point is to always see it as a\nsoap bubble?', 'A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe\nin God.', 'When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only\nsay what I wish done," give him a lollipop.', "Dealing with failure is easy:  Work hard to improve.  Success is also\neasy to handle:  You've solved the wrong problem.  Work hard to\nimprove.", "One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.", 'Think of it!  With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!', 'Why did the Roman Empire collapse?  What is the Latin for office\nautomation?', 'If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.', 'Be different: conform.', 'Save energy: be apathetic.', 'I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.\n                -- Kehlog Albran', '"Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly."', '"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is\nlightly greased."\n                -- Kehlog Albran', '"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."\n                -- Kehlog Albran', '"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other\'s funeral."\n                -- Kehlog Albran', "There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.\n                -- Dr. Who", '"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn\'t\nimmune to bullets"\n                -- The Brigader, from Dr. Who', 'The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:\n        Support your right to bare arms!', 'They also surf who only stand on waves.', 'Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.\n                -- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet', 'In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.\n                -- Alan Perlis', "You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on\nthe continuing viability of Fortran.\n                -- Alan Perlis", 'A Lisp programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of\nnothing.\n                -- Alan Perlis'])
programmer_funny_quotes.extend(status)

# Good words
one_liner_good_quotes = ['Life isn’t about getting and having -  it’s about giving and being. -  Kevin Kruse', 'Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe -  it can achieve. -  Napoleon Hill', 'Strive not to be a success -  but rather to be of value. -  Albert Einstein', 'Two roads diverged in a wood -  and I—I took the one less traveled by -  And that has made all the difference., Robert Frost', 'I attribute my success to this: I never gave or took any excuse. -  Florence Nightingale', 'You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. -  Wayne Gretzky', 'I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed. -  Michael Jordan', 'The most difficult thing is the decision to act -  the rest is merely tenacity. -  Amelia Earhart', 'Every strike brings me closer to the next home run. -  Babe Ruth', 'Definiteness of purpose is the starting point of all achievement. -  W. Clement Stone', 'We must balance conspicuous consumption with conscious capitalism. -  Kevin Kruse', 'Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans. -  John Lennon', 'We become what we think about. -  Earl Nightingale', '14.Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do -  so throw off the bowlines -  sail away from safe harbor, catch the trade winds in your sails.  Explore, Dream, Discover., Mark Twain', '15.Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. -  Charles Swindoll', 'The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any. -  Alice Walker', 'The mind is everything. What you think you become. -  Buddha', 'The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now. -  Chinese Proverb', 'An unexamined life is not worth living. -  Socrates', 'Eighty percent of success is showing up. -  Woody Allen', 'Your time is limited -  so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. -  Steve Jobs', 'Winning isn’t everything -  but wanting to win is. -  Vince Lombardi', 'I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions. -  Stephen Covey', 'Every child is an artist.  The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up. -  Pablo Picasso', 'You can never cross the ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore. -  Christopher Columbus', 'I’ve learned that people will forget what you said -  people will forget what you did -  but people will never forget how you made them feel., Maya Angelou', 'Either you run the day -  or the day runs you. -  Jim Rohn', 'Whether you think you can or you think you can’t -  you’re right. -  Henry Ford', 'The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why. -  Mark Twain', 'Whatever you can do -  or dream you can -  begin it.  Boldness has genius, power and magic in it., Johann Wolfgang von Goethe', 'The best revenge is massive success. -  Frank Sinatra', 'People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well -  neither does bathing.  That’s why we recommend it daily. -  Zig Ziglar', 'Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage. -  Anais Nin', 'If you hear a voice within you say “you cannot paint - ” then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced. -  Vincent Van Gogh', 'There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing -  say nothing -  and be nothing., Aristotle', 'Ask and it will be given to you; search -  and you will find; knock and the door will be opened for you. -  Jesus', 'The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be. -  Ralph Waldo Emerson', 'Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.  Live the life you have imagined. -  Henry David Thoreau', 'When I stand before God at the end of my life -  I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say -  I used everything you gave me., Erma Bombeck', 'Few things can help an individual more than to place responsibility on him -  and to let him know that you trust him. -  Booker T. Washington', 'Certain things catch your eye -  but pursue only those that capture the heart. -   Ancient Indian Proverb', 'Believe you can and you’re halfway there. -  Theodore Roosevelt', 'Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear. -  George Addair', 'We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. -  Plato', 'Teach thy tongue to say -  “I do not know - ” and thous shalt progress., Maimonides', 'Start where you are. Use what you have.  Do what you can. -  Arthur Ashe', 'When I was 5 years old -  my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life.  When I went to school -  they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I wrote down ‘happy’.  They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life., John Lennon', 'Fall seven times and stand up eight. -  Japanese Proverb', 'When one door of happiness closes -  another opens -  but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us., Helen Keller', 'Everything has beauty -  but not everyone can see. -  Confucius', 'How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world. -  Anne Frank', 'When I let go of what I am -  I become what I might be. -  Lao Tzu', 'Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take -  but by the moments that take our breath away. -  Maya Angelou', 'Happiness is not something readymade.  It comes from your own actions. -  Dalai Lama', 'If you’re offered a seat on a rocket ship -  don’t ask what seat! Just get on. -  Sheryl Sandberg', 'First -  have a definite -  clear practical ideal; a goal, an objective. Second, have the necessary means to achieve your ends; wisdom, money, materials, and methods. Third, adjust all your means to that end., Aristotle', 'If the wind will not serve -  take to the oars. -  Latin Proverb', 'You can’t fall if you don’t climb.  But there’s no joy in living your whole life on the ground. -  Unknown', 'We must believe that we are gifted for something -  and that this thing -  at whatever cost, must be attained., Marie Curie', 'Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears. -  Les Brown', 'Challenges are what make life interesting and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful. -  Joshua J. Marine', 'If you want to lift yourself up -  lift up someone else. -  Booker T. Washington', 'I have been impressed with the urgency of doing. Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Being willing is not enough; we must do. -  Leonardo da Vinci', 'Limitations live only in our minds.  But if we use our imaginations -  our possibilities become limitless. -  Jamie Paolinetti', 'You take your life in your own hands -  and what happens? A terrible thing -  no one to blame., Erica Jong', 'What’s money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do. -  Bob Dylan', 'I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong. -  Benjamin Franklin', 'In order to succeed -  your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure. -  Bill Cosby', 'A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new. -   Albert Einstein', 'The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person who is doing it. -  Chinese Proverb', 'There are no traffic jams along the extra mile. -  Roger Staubach', 'It is never too late to be what you might have been. -  George Eliot', 'You become what you believe. -  Oprah Winfrey', 'I would rather die of passion than of boredom. -  Vincent van Gogh', 'A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty. -  Unknown', 'It is not what you do for your children -  but what you have taught them to do for themselves -  that will make them successful human beings., Ann Landers', 'If you want your children to turn out well -  spend twice as much time with them -  and half as much money., Abigail Van Buren', 'Build your own dreams -  or someone else will hire you to build theirs. -  Farrah Gray', 'The battles that count aren’t the ones for gold medals. The struggles within yourself–the invisible battles inside all of us–that’s where it’s at. -  Jesse Owens', 'Education costs money.  But then so does ignorance. -  Sir Claus Moser', 'I have learned over the years that when one’s mind is made up -  this diminishes fear. -  Rosa Parks', 'It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop. -  Confucius', 'If you look at what you have in life -  you’ll always have more. If you look at what you don’t have in life -  you’ll never have enough., Oprah Winfrey', 'Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck. -  Dalai Lama', 'You can’t use up creativity.  The more you use -  the more you have. -  Maya Angelou', 'Dream big and dare to fail. -  Norman Vaughan', 'Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. -  Martin Luther King Jr.', 'Do what you can -  where you are -  with what you have., Teddy Roosevelt', 'If you do what you’ve always done -  you’ll get what you’ve always gotten. -  Tony Robbins', 'Dreaming -  after all -  is a form of planning., Gloria Steinem', 'It’s your place in the world; it’s your life. Go on and do all you can with it -  and make it the life you want to live. -  Mae Jemison', 'You may be disappointed if you fail -  but you are doomed if you don’t try. -  Beverly Sills', 'Remember no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -  Eleanor Roosevelt', 'Life is what we make it -  always has been -  always will be., Grandma Moses', 'The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me. -  Ayn Rand', 'When everything seems to be going against you -  remember that the airplane takes off against the wind -  not with it., Henry Ford', 'It’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years. -  Abraham Lincoln', 'Change your thoughts and you change your world. -  Norman Vincent Peale', 'Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing. -  Benjamin Franklin', 'Nothing is impossible -  the word itself says -  “I’m possible!”, –Audrey Hepburn', 'The only way to do great work is to love what you do. -  Steve Jobs', 'If you can dream it -  you can achieve it. -  Zig Ziglar']

# Good words
comics_text = ['"Cerebus can destroy ANYTHING.  Cerebus is the POPE."', '"What number is this, Chip?"\n"7 A!"\n"OK, like don\'t get excited, man.  It\'s \'cause I\'m short, I know."', '"I found this seance to pass the most stringent tests\nof credulity, with the minor exception of a phonograph,\nwhich was found under Madame Reynaud\'s dress."', '"It wouldn\'t be sporting to just run over them... Would it?"\n"Yes... Yes, it would!"', '"You know, once in a while it is my pleasure, and my privilege to welcome\nhere at the Refreshment Room some of the truly great international\nartists of our time.  And tonight we have one such artist.  Ladies and\ngentlemen, someone who I\'ve always personally admired, perhaps more\ndeeply, more strongly, more ... abjectly than any other performer.\nA man, well, more than a man, a god!  A great god, whose personality\nis so totally and utterly wonderful, that my feeble words of welcome\nsound wretchedly and pathetically inadequate.  Someone whose boots I\nwould gladly lick clean, until holes wore through my tongue!  A man\nwho is so totally and utterly wonderful, that I would rather be sealed\nin a pit of my own filth than dare tread on the same stage with him!\nLadies and Gentlemen, the incomparably superior human being, Harry Fink!"\n"He can\'t come!"', '"A penny for your thoughts?"\n"A dollar for your death."', '"Any trouble, boy?"\n"No, old man.  Thought I was having trouble with my adding.\n\'T\'s all right now."', '"Exactly how obscene an amount of money were we talking about?\nProfane?  Or really offensive?"', '"No more rhymes now.  I mean it!"\n"Anybody want a peanut?"', '"It\'s no longer a blue world, Max.  Where can we go?"\n"Argentina?"', '"Bally Jerry, pranged his kite right in the how\'s-your-father - hairy\nblighter, dicky-birded, feathered back on his sammy, took a waspy,\nflipped over on his Betty Harper\'s and caught his can in the Bertie."', '"Can you give me a lift back?"\n"Ah -- can do.  But won\'t."', '"May I take your trident, sir?"', '"Decadent rodent, we will bury you."', 'He has been known by many names;  the Prince of Lies,\nthe Director, Lucifer, Belial, and once, at a party,\nsome obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude".', '"Round up the usual suspects!"', '"Use of unnecessary violence in the apprehension\nof the Blues Brothers has been approved."', '"Well, I noticed the lad with the thermonuclear device was the Chief\nConstable for the area."', '"Personally, I was shocked to discover our plastic surgeon was\nan alcoholic."\n"Yes, he raised quite a few eyebrows."', '"Please excuse my wife.  She may appear to be rather nasty,\nbut underneath she has a heart of formica."', '"If we increase the size of the penguin until it is the same height\nas the man and then compare the relative brain size, we now find that\nthe penguin\'s brain is still smaller.  But, and this is the point,\nit is larger than it _was_."', '"What a pinhead!  Does he not fear us?!"', '"What are your general areas of interests?"\n"Aerodynamics.  Designer jeans.  Roofing supplies.  That sort of thing."\n"What sort of thing?"\n"You know, liquidity.  Point-of-sale.  Margin accounts.  Fast lane."', '"The late Mr. Lupner was born without a spine."\n"No wonder he has the posture of a boiled shrimp!"', '"I\'ve got to concentrate.  I\'ve got to concentrate!\n..Hello?\n..Echo!\n..Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbon, Manny Mota!"', '"700 hours of community service work?  Who has that kind of free time?"', '"`Psychophallystisis.\'"\n"Eat hot death, Steve."', '"Listen.  Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is\nno basis for a system of government!  Supreme executive power derives\nfrom a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic\nceremony!"\n"Be quiet!"\n"You can\'t expect to wield supreme executive power just \'cause\nsome watery tart threw a sword at you!"\n"Shut up!"\n"I mean, if I went around saying I was an emperor, just because\nsome moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they\'d put me away!"', '"Happiness is being famous for your financial\nability to indulge in every kind of excess."', '"C\'mon, Hobbes, if you lend me a buck I\'ll buy you a comic book."', '"Nigel, what are you saying?"\n"How do we know he\'s not Mel Torme?"', 'COWBOY WALLY BEER\n"Real beer.  Manly beer.  Ripsnortin\' pukearama.  Dammit."', '"What do you say we guys go down to the beach and shoot\nsome clams?"', 'If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would\nhave made them cute and furry.', '"Lacquered frog bands are no longer popular with America\'s influential\ntrendsetters, Max.  We\'d be hosed."', '"It\'s funny, I hate the itching, but I don\'t mind the swelling."', 'Arriving home, they learned that Glenn and Edna Catwomb had been\nslain by maniacs.', '"I don\'t know what you want here, but I think you should\nknow that I\'ve killed a LOT of old people in my time,\nand I\'m not above doing it again."', '"And Dinsdale\'s there in the conversation pit with Doug, and Charles\nPaisley, the baby crusher, and a couple of film producers, and a man\nthey called `Kierkegaard,\' who just sat there biting the heads off\nwhippets."', '"Please, don\'t make me treat you like dogs.  I don\'t want to\ntreat you like common dogs."', '"It\'s real handy, havin\' an Elder God in the band, eh?"', '"I\'m afraid I\'m going to have to operate.  It\'s nothing to worry\nabout, although it is EXTREMELY dangerous."', '"Right.  Who\'s got a boil on his semprini then?"', '"Hey Dad, if I saved up my allowance, could I buy a monkey?"\n"Of course not!"\n"OK, then I won\'t save up."', '"Like all reputable surgeons, I charge by the pound..."', '"My cigarette smoke mixed with the smoke of my .38.  If business was\nas good as my aim, I\'d be on Easy Street.  Instead, I\'ve got an office\non 49th Street and a nasty relationship with a string of collection\nagents.\n"Yeah, that\'s me, Tracer Bullet.  I\'ve got eight slugs in me.  One\'s\nlead, and the rest are bourbon.  The drink packs a wallop, and I pack\na revolver.  I\'m a private eye.\n"Suddenly my door swung open, and in walked trouble.  Brunette, as usual."', '"You\'d better ask yourself `Do I feel lucky?\'\nWell, do you, punk?"', '"To me it is like a mountain.. a vast BOWL of PUS!"', '"Sometimes you just gotta say `what the heck\'."', '"In accordance with our principles of free enterprise and\nhealthy competition, I\'m going to ask you two to fight to\nthe death for it."', '"I\'m sorry, but you must have me confused with some OTHER\nplate-lipped white girl named `Irene\'."', '"It\'s Czechoslovakia, man!  It\'s like going into Wisconsin!"', '"It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what\'s cool."', 'Ant Boy calmly prepares to execute his new friend ant-style...\nby PINCHING OFF HIS HEAD!', '"Hey, stewardess.  Run through that seatbelt demonstration\na few more times.  It\'s unbelievably tricky!"', 'Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels\nstart closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals\nand then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas.', '"Now it\'s time to say goodbye.  Please get off my property.  Until\nnext year!  I suggest you don\'t dawdle -- the hounds will be released\nin 10 minutes."', '"...And was head of Gestapo for 10 years.. No!  5 years!..\nNo!  No!  Nein, was not head of Gestapo at all!  I make joke."', '"Van Gogh would\'ve sold more than one painting if he\'d put tigers in them."', '"MY SENSORS INDICATE TRACE AMOUNTS OF CHOCOLATE IN THE PANTRY.\nPLEASE LOAD SOME IN MY SCOOP FOR ANALYSIS."\n"No, you\'ll spoil your appetite."', '"MY MISSION MUST NOT FAIL.  PREPARE FOR ANNIHILATION, PITIFUL\nEARTH FEMALE."', '"I guess test-flying F-20 Tigersharks at Mach 3 all\nday has rattled my good manners..."', '"You try any preversions in there, and I\'ll blow your head off."', '"LONG LIVE THE GLORIOUS COCKROACH REBELLION AGAINST THE\nGREAT SUBURBAN BOURGEOIS OPPRESSOR SWINE-PIG!"\n        <Slam!>\n"I HATE revolutionary jargon."', '"In your plan, `A Better Britain For Us\', you claimed that\nyou would build eighty-eight thousand million billion houses\na year in the greater London area alone.  In fact, you built\nonly three in the last 15 years. Are you a bit disappointed with\nthis result?"\n"No, no.  I\'d like to answer this question, if I may, in two\nways.  Firstly, in my normal voice, and then in a kind of silly,\nhigh-pitched whine."', '"Comedy.  Sudden, violent, comedy!"', '"Logic is a tweeting bird, chirping in your ear.\nLogic is a wreath of pretty flowers that smell _bad_."', '"There\'s nothing an agnostic can\'t do if he really doesn\'t know\nwhether he believes in anything or not."', '"I ran out of gas!  I got a flat tire!  I locked my keys in the car!\nAn old friend came in from out of town!  I lost my tux at the\ncleaners!  Someone stole my car!  There was an earthquake!  A terrible\nflood!  Locusts!  It wasn\'t my FAULT!"', '"Koko, will there be gnomes and dwarves for Lebee to wrestle with?"\n"Yes Mishu, and also trolls and mutants we may spar with!"', '"I\'m doing everything I can, and stop calling me Shirley."', '"The great scallop, this tatty, scrofulous old rapist, is\nsecond in depravity only to the common clam.  This latter\nis a right whore, a harlot, a trollop, a cynical bed-hopping\nfirm-breasted Rabelaisian bit of sea food that makes Fanny\nHill look like a dead pope."', '"As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is\nnot important that you understand what I\'m doing or why\nyou\'re paying me so much money.  What\'s important is that\nyou continue to do so."\n"I like overkill."', '"When will I learn?  The answers to life\'s problems aren\'t at the\nbottom of a bottle.  They\'re on TV!"', 'The heart, the liver, the spleen, the pancreas.  All these miraculous\norgans work in _total_darkness_!', '"I have no intention of spending the rest of the evening,\nlet alone the rest of my life, with a compulsive, anal-retentive\nchowderhead."', '"So whaddya want?  Wicker?!?"', '"Darling, would you like to propose another toast?"\n"To a warmed, darkened, slightly crispy slice of bread."', '"Padlock?"\n"The IRS.  Picky picky picky."', '"He\'p me!  Somebody, pleez, he\'p me!  I been hypmotize\'!"', 'A hundred bottles of beer on the wall, a hundred bottles\nof beer.  If one of those bottles should happen to\nfall, it would shake the very foundations of the Universe.\n-from Mauve\'Bib\'s "The Seven Pillows of Wisdom,"\nedited by the Princess Serutan', '"The evidence before the court is\nincontrovertible; there\'s\nno need for the jury to\nretire."', '"I want a full scale Red Alert throughout the world.  Surround EVERYONE\nwith EVERYTHING we got!  Mobilize every fighting unit and every weapon\nwe can lay our hands on.  I want...  I want three full scale global\nnuclear alerts, with every Army, Navy, and Air Force unit on ETERNAL standby!"', '"He\'s not Santa Claus...He doesn\'t LOOK like Santa Claus!"\n"Don\'t judge a book by its hide, kid.  I let folks believe\nthat `fat, jolly\' nonsense \'cause it makes \'em FEEL good.', 'So, are you tots gonna bust me out of here, or stand there\ngaping like trout?"', 'Venn ist das nurnstuck git und Slotermeyer?\nJa!  Beigerhund das oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!', '"I am successful because I am the only person in my city\nwho is not heavily addicted to powerful narcotics."', '"Bring the little ones unto me, and I will get\na good price for them."', '"The part I think I\'d like best is crushing people who get in my way."', '"Okay, so there\'s these two guys, right?  Okay, so this one guy\nsays to the other... oh, right, they\'re in a bar.  Okay, so these\ntwo guys, anyway, so...  So he says to the guy, who\'s black, he\nsays to him, no, wait, he\'s Chinese.  He says, `Hey have you seen\nmy mother-in-law?\'  No, wife... It\'s his wife, right. So he says,\n`Hey, have you seen my wife?\'  And so the bartender says... no,\nthe Jew, Chinese, the Chinese guy, he HAW HAW!  HAW... snort.\nSorry, I just remembered something funny."', '"How much for the little girl?  Your women -- how much for the women?"', '"We\'re taking you to a clambake."', '...sung by the man who turned a personal affliction into a\nsinging career -- Don "No Soul" Wilson!', '"If you could have any amount of money... How much would you want?"\n"All of it."', '"But Calvin is no kind and loving god!  He\'s one of\nthe _old_ gods!  He demands sacrifice!"', '"Pork rinds! *Gasp* *Choke* Vienna sausages! *Uk...uk...uk*\nOrange marshmallow peanuts (The Horror, The Horror)!"', '"Nice tie... BONEHEAD!"', '"But, will I get the chicks?  I mean, in truckloads?"', '"And now, Little Bobby Pootwaddle will read last month\'s contest\nwinner."\n"Last month\'s question --\n    `In 1000 words or less, describe how\n    Amy Sue Sturdfetzer looked much older than 12.\'"', '"If you were happy every day of your life, you wouldn\'t\nbe a human being.  You\'d be a game-show host."', '"I haven\'t time to go chasing after him!  There\'s violence to be done!"', '"What about these commandments then?"\n"You again?  All right...  There shall be TWO commandments,\nand this shall be the first of them:\n    "Keep the noise down."\n"Just that?  `Keep the noise down\'?"\n"You got it."\n"Hmmm.  And the second of Your commandments, Lord?"\n"Do what thou wilst," (sayeth the Lord), "just\ngo away and don\'t bother Me now.  For behold,\nsome of Us are trying to get some sleep around here."', '"Sorry, Nick.  I lied, man."', "You think you got it rough?\nWhat about your darling doggy?\nTen short years\nand he's getting old and groggy.", '"I\'m afraid I\'m not personally qualified to confuse cats."', '"It\'s not me I\'m worried about... It\'s your mother...\nPining away her twilight years..."\n"It\'s a terrible thing when a mother spends her old age\nin a pine tree."', '"True, money _can\'t_ buy happiness, but it isn\'t\nhappiness I want.  It\'s money."', 'We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is\nsecond to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little\nscuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds\nif we felt like it.', '"I hate snakes!  I hate \'em!!"\n"C\'mon!  Show a little backbone, will ya?"', '"Oh oh!  No more buttered scones for me, Mater,\nI\'m off to play the grand piano!"', '"I wish _I_ was a tiger."\n"A common lament."', '"Why is it that the truly brilliant are doomed to a life of obscurity,\nsurrounded by a sea of mediocrity, only to end up covered in sores in\na pool of their own filth?  Oh well, the beat goes on."', '"_My_ side of the woods abounds in natural scenic splendor.  _Your_\nside wallows in decay and filth.  My territory is infinitely superior\nto yours."', '"I\'m not saying we won\'t get our hair mussed a bit.."', '"Mushy mushy mushy."', '"I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of\nbeing told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being\nsick and tired.  I\'m certainly not!  But I\'m sick and tired of being told\nthat I am!"', '"Nazis!  I hate those guys."', '"All Lord Julius demands is total and complete obedience\nand more money every time we pay him.  He\'s being quite\nreasonable, really..."', '"Elvis has LEFT the building!"', '"`Lousy stinking radicals,\' he opines, `figure the law is\nthere for you to hide behind...  Well, the law _isn\'t_ there\nfor you to hide behind, it\'s there for _us_ to hide behind...\nthe good and law-abiding people of this great city-state.\'  His\nfists are like twin sledgehammers dealing out pure and righteous\njustice... `You\'re either with us or against us, vermin... That\'s\nwhat freedom\'s all about.\'  His roach-sense floods the room...\nping!  ping!  ping!  And detects the presence of a heavily unarmed\nmalcontent...`Taste boot, scum...\'"', '"It\'s hard to get a refund when the salesman is sniffing\nyour crotch and baying at the moon..."', '"If you don\'t vote for me I\'ll kill you all."', '"I will point out that a lady of refinement would not wish to be found\nso high in a tree."\n"Then I am a lady of refinement well and truly," said Madouc, "since I\ndid not wish to be found."', '`As leader, you should never forget those who are loyal\nto you.  You should hold parties for them regularly\nand have lots of whiskey (free) for them.  That way, they\nget drunk and reveal themselves as the disloyal vermin they\nall are in reality.\'\n       -- "On Governing"', '"Thank God.  The police."', '"Do you think there\'s a God?"\n"Well, SOMEbody\'s out to get me!"', '"Vaya con dios, scumbucket."', '"Whether to kill yourself or not is one of the\nmost important decisions a teenager can make."', '"There\'s another weird lizard farm coming up fast at eleven o\'clock."', '"I feel the warmth of its presence, Sam."', '"Kirk may be a swaggering, overbearing, tin-plated dictator with\ndelusions of godhood, but he\'s not soft."', '"Captain Kirk.  It\'s a pleasure to welcome you to Noldicia.\nMore fun than humans should be allowed to have."', '"They\'re not booing.  They\'re just chanting `Dave! Dave!\'"', '"Mind your manners, son!  I\'ve got a tall pointy hat!"', '"You got an alarm clock in there, sir?"\n"No!  No, heavens, no, no..  Just vests."\n"Sounded a bit like an alarm clock going off."\n"Oh, it can\'t have been.  It must have been a vest..\nuh.. go-.. going off."', '"`BILLSBY SLASHES FOUR, DIES IN COCAINE BRAWL\'"\n"That\'s the front page, Mrs. Billsby."', '"Why is that ridiculous toy on your head?"\n"Because if I wear it anywhere else, it chafes."', '"Why are you RUNNING?  Cerebus just wants to KILL you a little..."', '"You have an annoying fascination for timepieces, Mr. Sulu."', '"That\'s so deep, I\'m getting the bends.... If you want me, I\'ll\nbe in the decompression chamber."', 'Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidently\ndropped the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag\nthe physician outside where he would beat him to death with a live\nocelot.', '"The living dead don\'t NEED to solve word problems."', '"I feel lightheaded, Sam.  I think my brain\nis out of air.  But it\'s kind of a neat feeling."', '"Kilimanjaro is a pretty tricky climb, you know.  Most of it\'s\nup, until you reach the very very top, and then it tends to slope\naway rather sharply."', '"The good thing about drawing a tiger is that it automatically\nmakes your picture fine art."', '"That gum you like is going to come back in style."', '"My nipples explode with delight!"', '"Ho!  Ha-ha!  Guard!  Turn!  Parry!  Dodge!  Spin!  Ha!  Thrust!"', '"It\'s psychosomatic.  You need a lobotomy.  I\'ll get a saw."', '"How often does the train go by?"\n"So often you don\'t even notice it."', '"I tell you, Molly, I like the work so much, I\'d do it even if\nI didn\'t have to -- by court order, under threat of fine, imprisonment,\nor both."', '"That\'s the fact, Jack!"', '"Regrettable that this society has chosen suicide."', '"Well, there we\'re in kind of a gray area..."\n"How gray?"\n"Charcoal."', '"I would advise youse to keep dialin\', Oxmix."', '"I told them kids to keep their arms inside the ride.\nDamnedest thing I ever saw."', '"A boy without mischief is like a bowling bowl without a liquid center."', '"The band is just fantastic,\nThat is really what I think,\nOh by the way, which one\'s Pink?"', 'Rule #10 of the Miss America Pageant:\n    Liposuction is permitted, but not as part of the talent competition.', '"Inconceivable!"\n"You keep using that word.  I don\'t think it means what you think it means."', '"Max, that bathing suit you\'re wearing makes my flesh crawl!\nAnd where did you get sunglasses to fit your bizarrely-spaced\neyeballs?"', '"Mr. Canal, stop this instant!  I must ask that you\nrefrain from knife-fighting in the White House!"', '...And since the stench of death will always attract flies and vermin,\nthe arrival of Geraldo was perhaps inevitable.', '"How does this sound..?  `Stop, or I\'ll stand very,\nvery still for a surprisingly long time!\'"', '"Guards, beat this man brutally for daring to try to confuse me!"', '"Have you thought much about luggage, Mr. Banks?"\n"No..."\n"It\'s the central preoccupation of my life."', '"This is not a lending library.  Put the magazine back or I\'ll blow\nyour heads off."', '"I try to make everyone\'s day a little more surreal."', '"Did you see it, Reiger?  It was hideous!"', '"I don\'t sing, I don\'t dance, and I don\'t like people who do."', '"We\'re not laughing at you -- we\'re laughing near you."', '"Don\'t fight it - It\'s bigger than both of us.  In your case\nthat verges on the incredible."', 'Spock was waiting for them when they got to the conference\nroom.  "Captain, I\'ve run the data we collected through the\ncomputer."\n   "Well, Spock, you must be a very proud young man.  So what\'s\nthe deal with these council weasels?"', '"Nice girls don\'t explode."', '"How was it, little buddy?"\n"It was dark, like a cave, and there were no\ntoilets -- just black, smoking holes in the walls\nand floor!  Giant roaches howled like damned souls\nas they skittered along the mouldered grout-work!"', '"VROOOM! VROOOM!  Out of the way, lady!  Run!\nRun for safety, foolish pedestrians!"', '"[The vector] has never been of the slightest use to any creature."\n-Lord Kelvin', '"A mind is a terrible thing to waste someone with."', '"Ladies and Gentlemen, seldom can it have been a greater pleasure\nand privilege than it is for me now to announce that the next award\ngave me the great pleasure and privilege of asking a man without\nwhose ceaseless energy and tireless skill the British Film\nIndustry would be today."', '"Have you ever seen a spleen that large?"\n"Whoa, no .. not since breakfast."', '"If you don\'t care for your scalp, you\'ll get rabies!"', '"Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some\nsheep\'s testicles for a bet...God, that bloody sheep kicked him..."', '"Wheat.  So what?"', '"There\'s nothing more dangerous than a wounded mosquito."', '"Hey Dad, you crossed my line of death!"', '"We\'re not just going to let you walk out of here."\n"Who\'s we, sucker?"\n"Smith, and Wesson, and me."', '"This man is no ordinary man.  This is Mr. F. G. Superman."', '"Where does he keep his water dish?"', '"More pie, Admiral?"', '"Dry hair\'s for squids."', '"Really, now, Powers.  Had I intended for educated men to\nread that nonsense, I would have used smaller type..."', '"And when do you expect to get married?"\n"Oh, right away, sport, right away, you know!  I \'aven\'t \'ad it\nfor weeks!"', '"Spontaneous combustion!  What a stroke of luck!"', '"Dick!  You\'re FIRED!"', "Dark and lonely\non a summer night.\nKill my landlord,\nKill my landlord.\nWatchdog barkin'\nDo he bite?\nKill my landlord,\nKill my landlord.", '"You look like a man with the minimum daily requirement of\nintelligence.  Where can I find a book on self-confidence?"', '"I\'m the head waiter.  This is a vegetarian restaurant only.\nWe serve no animal flesh of any kind.  We\'re not only proud\nof that, we\'re ... smug about it."', '"...just when I had you wriggling in the crushing grip of reason, too..."', "Birds of prey know they're cool.", '"You must have had visions of sugarplums dancing in your head, little pal."\n"Oh thank God!  I thought it was a twiching, lemon-sized brain tumor."', "I saw a werewolf drinking a Pina Colada at Trader Vic's, and his\nhair was _perfect_.", '"Get a life!"', '"Flint Paper is insane.  I really respect that."', '"Sweet Loretta Fat, she thought she was a cleaner, but she was a frying pan..."', '"Back off, man!  I\'m a scientist!"', '"If I could walk that way, I wouldn\'t need the aftershave."', '"Oh Mr. Belpit, your legs are so swollen!"', '"Take me away, imperialist puppets of the great Pay-TV satanistic\ncorporate booger-heads!"', '"It was a mutual parting of the ways.  We gave him the freedom to\ndo what he wanted to do."\n"What was that?"\n"Drink himself to death."', 'Two, four, six, eight,\nTime to transubstantiate!', '"Storage compartments?  Storage compartments?"\n"No!  That\'s just what they\'ll be expecting us to do!"\n"Yes, well, that\'s just the sort of blinkered philistine pig-ignorance\nI\'ve come to expect from you non-creative garbage."', '"Are you the police?"\n"No, ma\'am.  We\'re musicians."', '"We\'re aimed the wrong way to be going home, Gumby."\n"Home...?  We\'re on an express elevator to HECK!"', '"Stephanie, do you know what I do when I don\'t understand an emotion?\nI suppress and deny it."', '"Sir, I think I wanted to express the duality of man - a kind of\nJungian thing, sir."', '"?Que pasa, Senorita?  !I am el fugitivo!"', '"I\'ve heard about these cult jamborees.  It\'s an international\ngoon gathering.  Lots of howling and drinking... Orgiastic\nworship of heathen idols... Great looking chicks in diaphanous robes..."', '"How do you do your squid?"\n"Fine.  How do _you_ do, sir?"', '"How many men you got \'ere, Colonel?"\n"Oh, 7,000 infantry, 600 artillery, and 2 divisions of paratroops."\n"Paratroops, Dino!"  "It\'d be a shame of someone was to set fire to dem."\n"Set fire to them?!"\n"Fire\'s \'appen, Colonel."  "Fings\'s burn..."', '"Bicycle Repair Man, how can I ever repay you?"\n"Well, you don\'t need to, gov, it\'s all right.\nIt\'s all in a day\'s work for ... Bicycle Repair Man. <Sniff!>"', '"Where the hell\'s he get the atomic bomb?"', '"Take my Worf, please."', '"I don\'t patronize bunny rabbits!"', '"Now hear this!  The father/son sack race will begin in 5 minutes\non the north lawn.  Participation is MANDATORY, repeat MANDATORY!"', '"Look!  It\'s trying to think!"', '"How does he do it, Smithers?"\n"He\'s a love machine, sir."', '"Kato, what is going on in that little yellow brain of yours?"', '"We would like to apologize for the way in which politicians are\nrepresented in this programme.  It was never our intention to imply\nthat politicians are weak-kneed, political time-servers who are more\nconcerned with their personal vendettas and private power struggles\nthan the problems of government, nor to suggest at any point that\nthey sacrifice their credibility by denying free debate on vital\nmatters in the mistaken impression that party unity comes before\nthe well-being of the people they supposedly represent, nor to imply\nat any stage that they are squabbling little toadies without an ounce\nof concern for the vital social problems of today.  Nor indeed do we\nintend that viewers should consider tham as crabby ulcerous little\nself-seeking vermin with furry legs and an excessive addiction to\nalcohol and certain explicit sexual practices which some people might\nfind offensive.  We are sorry if this impression has come across."', '"Knock, knock."\n"Who\'s there?"\n"Babs\' uvula."\n"Babs\' uvula who?"\n"I don\'t know, Babs, but I do know this.  Your uvula\'s on the fritz."\n"Gee, doc, I must have stupidly glossed right over my uvula!"', '"Mistakes were made."', '"Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"\n"NO!...I mean Yes!  WHAT?"\n"I\'ll put `maybe.\'"', '"Leaving a trail of slime wherev-"\n           >CLICK!<', '"Never mind what I said," the Lord spake.  "Doth thou\nlisten to every crazy idea that comes thy way?" And\nAbraham grew ashamed.  "Er -- not really... no."\n  "I jokingly suggest thou sacrifice Isaac and thou\nimmediately runs out to do it."\n  And Abraham fell to his knees, "See, I never know\nwhen you are kidding."\n  And the Lord thundered, "No sense of humor.  I can\'t\nbelieve it."', '"Llamas are larger than frogs."', '"May I take this opportunity of emphasizing that there is no\ncannibalism in the British Navy.  Absolutely none, and when I\nsay none, I mean there is a certain amount, more than we are\nprepared to admit."', '"Into the mud, Scum Queen!"', '"Want some pretzels?"\n"No thanks, we\'re on duty.  A couple beers would be nice, though."', '"They pelted us with rocks and garbage!"', '"Shall we go down and give blood?"\n"Oh, I don\'t want a great bat flapping round my neck."', '"It\'s a dessert topping AND a floor wax!"', '"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue!"', '"Curse you, Inspector Dim. You are too clever for us naughty people."', 'Hurl that spheroid down the field..', '"There should be a psychology of feet.  For do we not\nmake decisions with our legs, and walk about on our brains?', 'What do you mean, `No, not really,\'?"\n-from "The Notebooks of Mauve\'Bib--Outtakes, Bloopers,\nand Unconvincing Maxims," Edited by the Princess Serutan.', '"I\'m a LAGOMORPH, Sam!  Look it up!"', 'But for the lack of any untoward circumstances for this young\nsecretary to notice, and the total non-involvement of Mr. Mellish\nin anything illegal, the full weight of the law would have\ninsured that Ralph Aldis Mellish would have ended up like all who\nchallenge the fundamental laws of our society: in an iron coffin\nwith spikes on the inside!', '"One of us should bust in and confuse them while _I_\nhead them off around front."', '"Get that finger out of your ear!  You don\'t know where that finger\'s been!"', '"He was a thief, and a terrorist, but on the other hand he had\na tremendous singing voice."', '"If you wanted to make Sarok the Preparer cry, well, mission accomplished."', '"Remember, this is only an exhibition, this is NOT a competition -- please,\nno wagering."', '"I\'ll have you all executed!"\n"I think not."', '"Mind you, I can\'t say much for the volume\'s condition.\nI mean, there\'s a hole in the jacket and the spine appears\nto be damaged."', '"Zere were zwei peanuts walking down ze strasse.\nAnd one was assaulted.. peanut.  Ha ha ha.."', '"It\'s the Peterson kid dressed as an iguana!"', '"Gregor Wass, your presence intimidates me to the point of humiliation.\nWould you care to strike me?"', '"And stop referring to dinner as `the recent unpleasantness\'."', '"Baldrick, you wouldn\'t see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple\nand danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing \'Subtle Plans Are\nHere Again\'."', '"You think they spotted us?"\n"Gimme a donut."', '"Say, isn\'t that a twenty-story-high Gumby-shaped robot\napproaching at about Mach 8?"\n"What do you know...?  So it is."', '"The world bores you when you\'re cool."', '"I\'m 6 foot 5, and I eat punks like you for breakfast!"', '"It\'s classified.  I could tell you, but then I\'d have to kill you."', '"Are there many fires in Norway?"\n"Oh Good Lord yes.  The place is a constant blaze!"', '"All right, you worthless _vermin_!  No more Mister Nice Pope!"', '"They\'re an insidious bunch, your killer pianos.\nHad one get loose on me back in \'62.  It slipped\nout of the cables while we were lowering it out\nof its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six\ninnocents in an insane bid for freedom."', '"He doesn\'t know when he\'s beaten, this boy.  He doesn\'t know when\nhe\'s winning either.  He doesn\'t have any sort of sensory apparatus\nknown to man."', '"Oh no.  Ed Smith, Lizard of Doom, has come from a planet\nfar beyond our solar system to devour us.  Gaze and tremble,\nmortals.  None can escape the wrath of Ed Smith, Lizard of Doom."', '"Have you got a 27 B stroke 6?"', '"Many people in this country are becoming increasingly worried about\nbullfighting.  They say it\'s not only cruel, vicious, and immoral, but\nalso blatantly unfair.  The bull is heavy, violent, abusive, and\naggressive, wth four legs and great sharp teeth, whereas the bullfighter\nis only a small, greasy Spaniard."', "Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes\non a long, dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists\nand turns, being attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and\nnot knowing until the last minute whether it will be turned into a\nuseful body part or ejected into the Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter.", '"Mr. Notlob, there\'s nothing wrong with you that an expensive\noperation can\'t prolong!"', '"You know what I wish?  I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat\nand I had my hands about it."', '"I can\'t think of anything more relaxing than being locked\nin a moving car with YOU for about 300 hours, little pal."', '"That\'s really sweet, Sam.  I may weep openly."', '"Ooh, neat!  Santa got caught in this beartrap I set!  Wow!  He\ngnawed his own foot off to escape!"', '"Help!  Help!  I\'m being repressed!"', '"We interviewers are more than a match for the likes of you, Two-Sheds!"\n"Yes, make yourself scarce, Two-Sheds.  This studio isn\'t big enough for\nthe three of us!"', '"Get your own arts program, you fairy!"', '"Oh, great altar of passive entertainment, bestow upon\nme thy discordant images at such speed as to render linear\nthought impossible!"', '"Strange things are afoot at the Circle-K."', '"Has anybody seen my legs?"', '"I\'ve got a lot of cutting and pasting to do, gentleman, so\nplease, why don\'t you return to your porch rockers and resume\nwhittling?"', '"What better place to begin my reign of Communist terror and\noppression than a memorial to that decadent and imperialist\nAmerican, Melville Dewey, hated originator of the Dewey Decimal\nSystem!!"', '"I\'ve grown to hate them."', '"How many of us can honestly say that at one time or another he\nhasn\'t felt sexually attracted to mice?"', '"Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?"', 'School\'s out!\nSchool\'s out!\nTeacher let the monkeys out!\nOne was jailed!\nOne prevailed!\nBoth asked God: "How have I failed?"\n--traditional grad school chant', 'Senators, TV Crews, and the nation in general are mystified when,\non the third day, Flaming Carrot shows a STAR TREK BLOOPER REEL\non behalf of the defense.', "That's not funny, that's sick!", '"Well, it\'s garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it\nfor a toilet.  The rides are dilapidated to the point\nof being lethal, and could easily maim or kill innocent\nlittle children."', '"Oh, so you don\'t like it?"\n"Don\'t like it?  I\'m CRAZY for it."', '"Don\'t be stupid.  Be a smarty.\n Come and join the Nazi Party."', '"You\'re just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...\n..except, y\'know, not green...\n...and without all the patches of fungus."', '"Captain, how soon can we land?"\n"I can\'t tell."\n"You can tell me; I\'m a doctor."', '"Did you know the phone company uses the bone marrow\nof Third World babies to make microchips?"', '"Once the trust goes out of a relationship, it\'s no fun\nlying to them anymore."', '"Jane, you ignorant slut."', '"Speaking as a Cardinal of the Roman Catholic Church, as\nfirst minister of Louis XIII, and as one of the architects\nof the modern world already, would you say that Harold Larch\nwas a man of good character?"\n"Listen, Harry is a very wonderful human being."', '"Where do we keep all our chainsaws, mom?"', '"Ah, monsieur.  And how are we today?"\n"Better."\n"Better?"\n"Better get a bucket.  I\'m gonna throw up."', '"We have your favorite animal cookies.  Here\'s\na gorilla... Here\'s a collared peccary..."', '"I may be synthetic, but I\'m not stupid."', '"Hey, Max -- Wake up!  You\'re missing all the fun!"\n"What?"', '"A seven-foot specter of evil appeared in front\nof the car, so I ran over it.  Sounded like a bag\nof laundry going under.  Hope I didn\'t hurt the\ntires.  Want a fig newton?"', '"I feel like I know her, but sometimes my arms bend back."\n\x1a']

# Good words
old_famous_funny_quotes = ['The computing field is always in need of new cliches.\n                -- Alan Perlis', 'It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to\nprogram.  What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in\norganizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be\nself-critical?\n                -- Alan Perlis', '"Please try to limit the amount of `this room doesn\'t have any\nbazingas\' until you are told that those rooms are `punched out.\'  Once\npunched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing\nbazingas, and such."\n                -- N. Meyrowitz', "People will buy anything that's one to a customer.", 'Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.\n[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]\n                -- Aelius Donatus', 'If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to\ninvent it.', "It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a\npretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the\nsin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.\n                -- Voltaire", 'The superfluous is very necessary.\n                -- Voltaire', 'It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that\nvirginity could be a virtue.\n                -- Voltaire', "I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,\nI know the scientific names of beings animalculous;\nIn short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,\nI am the very model of a modern Major-General.", "Oh don't the days seem lank and long\n        When all goes right and none goes wrong,\nAnd isn't your life extremely flat\n        With nothing whatever to grumble at!", 'An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.\n                -- A. P. Herbert', 'Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.\n                -- Trotsky', 'It is not enough to succeed.  Others must fail.\n                -- Gore Vidal', 'A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.', "The rain it raineth on the just\n        And also on the unjust fella,\nBut chiefly on the just, because\n        The unjust steals the just's umbrella.", "The world's as ugly as sin,\nAnd almost as delightful\n                -- Frederick Locker-Lampson", '"Reflections on Ice-Breaking"\nCandy\nIs dandy\nBut liquor\nIs quicker.\n\n                -- Ogden Nash', 'Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.\n                -- Jules Feiffer', "Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit\nthem on the head.", 'You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.', 'For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,\nand wrong.\n                -- H. L. Mencken', "Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.", "Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.\n                -- Wernher von Braun", "Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.", '"Grub first, then ethics."\n                -- Bertolt Brecht', '"I drink to make other people interesting."\n                -- George Jean Nathan', '"Pascal is not a high-level language."\n                -- Steven Feiner', 'E Pluribus Unix', 'Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.', 'You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.', 'Immortality -- a fate worse than death.\n                -- Edgar A. Shoaff', 'The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing\nmore important to do.', "You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.", 'All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own\nimportance.', 'If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without\nhaving to accomplish anything.', 'My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.', 'No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.', "The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at\nleast until we've finished building it.", "It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.", 'Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,\nno one we know belongs.', "All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.", "If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.", "Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.", 'There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know\nnothing about.', "What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing\nto compare it with.", 'It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a\nwarning to others.', 'To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,\ncall it the target.', 'If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.', 'Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.\n                -- Andrew Young', 'The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important\npoint to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly\nimportant thing to people.\n                -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King', '"If you can count your money, you don\'t have a billion dollars."\n                -- J. Paul Getty', 'Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.\n                -- Milton Friedman', 'The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going\ndown.', 'There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a\nvagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.\n                -- Gloria Steinem', 'We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.\n                -- Pogo', 'Nothing recedes like success.\n                -- Walter Winchell', 'I do not fear computers.  I fear the lack of them.\n                -- Isaac Asimov', 'Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.\n                -- Lily Tomlin', 'Tax reform means "Don\'t tax you, don\'t tax me, tax that fellow behind\nthe tree."\n                -- Russell Long', 'Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some\npeople have mediocrity thrust upon them.\n                -- Joseph Heller', "Yesterday I was a dog.  Today I'm a dog.  Tomorrow I'll probably still\nbe a dog. Sigh!  There's so little hope for advancement.\n                -- Snoopy", "If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car\npayments.\n                -- Earl Wilson", 'The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.', 'If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular\nerror.\n                -- John Kenneth Galbraith', 'Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what\nis good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.\n                -- John Kenneth Galbraith', 'TV is chewing gum for the eyes.\n                -- Frank Lloyd Wright', 'He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry\nattacks democracy itself.\n                -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS', 'Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.\n                -- Eric Hoffer', "You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable\ndoubt.\n                -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict", 'If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest\nshopping center in the world?\n                -- Richard Nixon', "If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.", 'AMAZING BUT TRUE...\nIf all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end\nacross the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.', 'AMAZING BUT TRUE...\nThere is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it\nwould completely cover the Sahara Desert.', "Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no\naccount be allowed to do the job.\n                -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", "With a rubber duck, one's never alone.\n                -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", 'A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.', 'SOFTWARE -- formal evening attire for female computer analysts.', 'Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.', 'In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to\ndrop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at\ndiscotheques.\n                -- Art Linkletter', "Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.\n                -- Frank Zappa", 'Justice is incidental to law and order.\n                -- J. Edgar Hoover', 'The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by\na major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.', "Flon's Law:\n        There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is\n        the least bit difficult to write bad programs.", "I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.", '"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity\nthat would be clearly understood."\n                -- Alexander Haig', 'This life is a test.  It is only a test.  Had this been an actual life,\nyou would have received further instructions as to what to do and where\nto go.', "To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.\n                -- Woody Allen", '"Earth is a great funhouse without the fun."\n                -- Jeff Berner', "Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.", 'This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.', 'When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.', 'Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.\n                -- Voltaire', 'Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ?\nA: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.', "Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?\nA: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.", "SEMINARS:  From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.", 'POLITICIAN:  From the Greek \'poly\' ("many") and the French \'tete\'\n("head" or "face," as in \'tete-a-tete\': head to head or face to face).\nHence \'polytetien\', a person of two or more faces.\n                -- Martin Pitt', 'CALIFORNIA:  From Latin \'calor\', meaning "heat" (as in English\n\'calorie\' or Spanish \'caliente\'); and \'fornia\', for "sexual\nintercourse" or "fornication." Hence:  Tierra de California, "the land\nof hot sex."\n                -- Ed Moran, Covina, California', 'Armadillo: to provide weapons to a Spanish pickle', 'Micro Credo: Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.', '"Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong."', 'Bumper sticker:\n\n"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British\nmanufacture"', '"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"\n\n"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat\n\n                -- Lewis Carrol', "I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.\nIt's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.", "Serocki's Stricture:\n        Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.", 'Virtue is its own punishment.', 'Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.', 'The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.', 'We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always\nrespect their good judgement.', 'A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices\nthat the system works.', "One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.", "The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.", "Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is\nprobably parked.", "Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy\nit today you can do it again tomorrow.", 'Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.', 'Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he\ngrows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.', 'A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have\nenlightened him with ours.', "Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge\nit.", 'The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.', 'There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire\nsomeone, or forbid your kids to do it.', 'The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody\nappreciates how difficult it was.', 'Politics is like coaching a football team.  you have to be smart enough\nto understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.', "Nobody wants constructive criticism.  It's all we can do to put up with\nconstructive praise.", "History repeats itself.  That's one thing wrong with history.", "Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get\nanother chance later on.", 'Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to\nmake it complex and wonderful.', 'A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an\nexam.', 'Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you\njust how busy they are.', "There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad its not a\nfence.", "The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a\nsoda can, when discarded will last forever...and a $7,000 car which\nwhen properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.", 'One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet\nwhen well oiled.', 'To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.', 'Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is\nwhen you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.', 'A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without\ngetting nervous.', 'Behold the warranty...the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh\naway.', "Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid\nback.", 'How come wrong numbers are never busy?', "One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh\npaint.", 'Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a\ncrack in your sidewalk?', 'Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.', 'Cleanliness is next to impossible.', 'Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell\nall their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.', 'Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...if thou art in the bathtub,\nit tolls for thee.', 'One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.', 'A real person has two reasons for doing anything...a good reason and\nthe real reason.', "Show me a man who is a good loser and i'll show you a man who is\nplaying golf with his boss.", 'Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.', "Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.", 'If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every\nword you say, talk in your sleep.', 'X-rated movies are all alike...the only thing they leave to the\nimagination is the plot.', "People usually get what's coming to them...unless it's been mailed.", "Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune\ntellers take economists seriously?", 'Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else --\nunless it is an enemy.\n                -- A. Einstein', '"Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle."\n                -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth', '"There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the\nother is to read Pope."\n                -- Oscar Wilde', '"She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to."\n                -- Gypsy Rose Lee', '"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity?  If Gladstone fell\ninto the Thames, it would be a misfortune.  But if someone dragged him\nout again, it would be a calamity."\n                -- Benjamin Disraeli', '"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into\nthe smallest amount of thoughts."\n                -- Winston Churchill', 'Actor:  "I\'m a smash hit.  Why, yesterday during the last act, I had\n        everyone glued in their seats!"\nOliver Herford:  "Wonderful!  Wonderful!  Clever of you to think of\n        it!"', '"Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have\ntaken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him.  Such an\nexcess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature."\n                -- Samuel Johnson', '"Why was I born with such contemporaries?"\n                -- Oscar Wilde', '"Wagner\'s music is better than it sounds."\n                -- Mark Twain', 'On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:\n\n"This isn\'t right.  This isn\'t even wrong."\n\n                -- Wolfgang Pauli', "Leibowitz's Rule:\n        When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you\n        hold the hammer with both hands.", "Drew's Law of Highway Biology:\n        The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front\n        of your eyes.", "Langsam's Laws:\n        1) Everything depends.\n        2) Nothing is always.\n        3) Everything is sometimes.", 'Law of Probable Dispersal:\n        Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly\n        distributed.', "Meader's Law:\n        Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to\n        everyone you know, only more so.", 'Fourth Law of Revision:\n        It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about\n        interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for\n        you.', "Sodd's Second Law:\n        Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is\n        bound to occur.", "Murphy's Law is recursive.  Washing your car to make it rain doesn't\nwork.", 'Rule of Defactualization:\n        Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.', "Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:\n        If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as\n        if he had lost his senses.  When he looks down, paraphrase the\n        question back at him.", "Anthony's Law of Force:\n        Don't force it; get a larger hammer.", "Ray's Rule of Precision:\n        Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.", 'Rule of Creative Research:\n        1) Never draw what you can copy.\n        2) Never copy what you can trace.\n        3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.', "Barach's Rule:\n        An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own\n        physician.", 'Ink: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and\nwater, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote\nintellectual crime.', 'Kleptomaniac: A rich thief.', 'Labor: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.', "Trivia pursuit -\n    The culmination of man's\n    never ending search for a\n    lack of purpose.\n              - B.C. -", 'Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.', 'Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly\n        as one man.\n\nMinor Premise: One man can dig a post hole in sixty seconds;\n\nConclusion: Sixty men can dig a post hole in one second.', 'Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence...', 'Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.', 'Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that\nthey are in the market.', 'Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.', "Mythology: The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its\norigin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished\n>from the true accounts which it invents later.", "...It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it\nis thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists\nhave drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of\nsmell.\n                -- Ambrose Bierce", 'November: The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.', 'Once, adv.: Enough.', "In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last\nresort of the scoundrel.  With all due respect to an enlightened but\ninferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.\n                -- Ambrose Bierce", 'Pig: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by\nthe splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior\nin scope, for it balks at pig.', "Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.", 'It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.', 'Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the\non roof and gets stuck.', "Hofstadter's Law:\n        It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take\n        Hofstadter's Law into account.", '"It is bad luck to be superstitious."\n                -- Andrew W. Mathis', 'If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.\n                -- Roy Santoro', "Main's Law:\n        For every action there is an equal and opposite government\n        program.", '"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."', "Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:\n        It's on the other side.", 'The shortest distance between two points is under construction.\n                -- Noelie Altito', 'Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a\nlarger object.', "If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel\nin a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary\nqualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.\n                -- Marguerite Emmons", 'Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.', 'The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the\nstupidity of your action.', "Hurewitz's Memory Principle:\n        The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional\n        to.....to........uh..............", 'Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots', 'It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the\nlowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as\nhigh as the eagle?', '"If you wants to get elected president, you\'se got to think up some\nmemoraboble homily so\'s school kids can be pestered into memorizin\'\nit, even if they don\'t know what it means."\n                -- Walt Kelly', 'Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.', 'A penny saved is ridiculous.', 'The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.\nThis means that only left handed people are in their right mind.', '"You must realize that the computer has it in for you.  The irrefutable\nproof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."', "If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.", 'It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark', "Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!", 'Bank error in your favor.  Collect $200.', 'Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be\nworse in Cleveland.', 'As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there\nis always a future in Computer Maintenance.', 'Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may\nbe in owning a piece thereof.', 'For a good time, call (415) 642-9483', 'AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!\nYou brute!  Knock before entering a ladies room!', 'A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).', 'To be is to do.\n        -- I. Kant\nTo do is to be.\n        -- A. Sartre\nYabba-Dabba-Doo!\n        -- F. Flintstone', 'God is Dead\n        -- Nietzsche\nNietzsche is Dead\n        -- God\nNietzsche is God\n        -- Dead', 'Jesus Saves,\nMoses Invests,\nBut only Buddha pays Dividends.', 'Acid absorbs 47 times its weight in excess Reality.', "Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle science fiction.", 'Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,\nhow many?', 'Anything free is worth what you pay for it.', 'Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the\nStation-to-Station rate.', 'Necessity is a mother.', "Help!  I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!", "!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I  !pleH", "You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.", 'May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.', 'May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts', 'May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a\nThousand Caramels.', 'In the days of old,\nWhen Knights were bold,\n        And women were too cautious;\nOh, those gallant days,\nWhen women were women,\n        And men were really obnoxious...', 'Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.', 'If anything can go wrong, it will.', '$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at\nwhich time it will be worth absolutely nothing.', 'If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their\nHeads.', 'If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.', 'If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.', 'If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit\nEars.', 'How doth the little crocodile\n    Improve his shining tail,\nAnd pour the waters of the Nile\n    On every golden scale!\n\nHow cheerfully he seems to grin,\n    How neatly spreads his claws,\nAnd welcomes little fishes in,\n    With gently smiling jaws!', "You're at the end of the road again.", 'If anything can go wrong, it will.', 'The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.\n\nHowever, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours by\njudging things by their price.', 'In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space\nLet superscripts and subscripts go their ways.\nOur symptotes no longer out of phase,\nWe shall encounter, counting, face to face.', "I'll grant the random access to my heart,\nThoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;\nAnd so we two shall all love's lemmas prove\nAnd in our bound partition never part.", 'Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?\nAbscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,\nA root or two, a torus and a node:\nThe inverse of my verse, a null domain.', "A very intelligent turtle\nFound programming UNIX a hurdle\n        The system, you see,\n        Ran as slow as did he,\nAnd that's not saying much for the turtle.", 'This fortune intentionally not included.', 'flibber-ti-gibbet\nOne who is inclined to look up words like flibbertigibbert                                         -B.C.-', 'Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.\nShe scissored short.  Sorely shorn,\nSoon shackled slave, Samson sighed,\nSilently scheming,\nSightlessly seeking\nSome savage, spectacular suicide.\n\n                -- Stanislaw Lem', 'In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own\nincompetency\n                -- the Peter Principle', "Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate\nit.", 'A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that\nyou will look forward to the trip.', 'A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.\n                -- Ambrose Bierce', "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.", 'When Marriage is Outlawed,\nOnly Outlaws will have Inlaws.', "HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.\nSHE: What?!?  Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.\n                -- Walt Kelley", 'Look out!  Behind you!', 'Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!', 'Desk:  A wastebasket with drawers.', 'Anything worth doing is worth overdoing', "Dentist: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls\ncoins out of one's pockets.\n                -- Ambrose Bierce", 'It will be advantageous to cross the great stream...the Dragon is on\nthe wing in the Sky...the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.', 'If all be true that I do think,\nThere be Five Reasons why one should Drink;\nGood friends, good wine, or being dry,\nOr lest we should be by-and-by,\nOr any other reason why.', 'If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that\nwill cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.', 'If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure\ncan go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly\ndevelop.', 'Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.', 'Every solution breeds new problems.', 'It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so\ningenious.', 'O\'Toole\'s commentary on Murphy\'s Law:\n        "Murphy was an optimist."', "Boling's postulate:\n        If you're feeling good, don't worry.  You'll get over it.", 'Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked\nsomething.', 'If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody\nwill.', "Scott's first Law:\n        No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.", "Finagle's first Law:\n        If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.", "Finagle's second Law:\n        No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be\n        someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c)\n        believe it happened according to his own pet theory.", "Finagle's fourth Law:\n        Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only\n        makes it worse.", 'Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.', "Science is convinced there's no intelligent\nlife in our solar system.\n                S. F. Chronicle", "Issawi's Laws of Progress:\n\n        The Course of Progress:\n                Most things get steadily worse.\n\n        The Path of Progress:\n                A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.", "Simon's Law:\n        Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.", "Ehrman's Commentary:\n        1.  Things will get worse before they get better.\n        2.  Who said things would get better?", 'Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.\nVelocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.', 'Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:\n        Negative expectations yield negative results.\n        Positive expectations yield negative results.', "Howe's Law:\n        Everyone has a scheme that will not work.", "Sturgeon's Law:\n        90% of everything is crud.", "Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:\n        Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the\n        probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting\n        some useful work done.", "Brook's Law:\n        Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later", "Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:\n        Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so\n        vividly manifests their lack of progress.", "Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:\n        There's always one more bug.", "Shaw's Principle:\n        Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will\n        want to use it.", 'Law of the Perversity of Nature:\n        You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the\n        bread to butter.', "Law of Selective Gravity:\n        An object will fall so as to do the most damage.\n\nJenning's Corollary:\n        The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is\n        directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.", "Paul's Law:\n        You can't fall off the floor.", "Johnson's First Law:\n        When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the\n        most inconvenient possible time.", "Watson's Law:\n        The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the\n        number and significance of any persons watching it.", "Sattinger's Law:\n        It works better if you plug it in.", "Lowery's Law:\n        If it jams -- force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing\n        anyway.", "Fudd's First Law of Opposition:\n        Push something hard enough and it will fall over.", "Cahn's Axiom:\n        When all else fails, read the instructions.", "Jenkinson's Law:\n        It won't work.", "Murphy's Law of Research:\n        Enough research will tend to support your theory.", "Williams and Holland's Law:\n        If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by\n        statistical methods.", 'Harvard Law:\n        Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,\n        temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the\n        organism will do as it damn well pleases.', "Hoare's Law of Large Problems:\n        Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get\n        out.", "Brooke's Law:\n        Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool\n        discovers something which either abolishes the system or\n        expands it beyond recognition.", "Meskimen's Law:\n        There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to\n        do it over.", "Heller's Law:\n        The first myth of management is that it exists.\n\nJohnson's Corollary:\n        Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the\n        organization.", "Peter's Law of Substitution:\n        Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after\n        themselves.", "Parkinson's Fourth Law:\n        The number of people in any working group tends to increase\n        regardless of the amount of work to be done.", "Parkinson's Fifth Law:\n        If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good\n        bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.", "Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:\n        People are always available for work in the past tense.", 'Iron Law of Distribution:\n        Them that has, gets.', "H. L. Mencken's Law:\n        Those who can -- do.\n        Those who can't -- teach.\n\nMartin's Extension:\n        Those who cannot teach -- administrate.", "Jones' Law:\n        The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone\n        to blame it on.", 'Rule of Feline Frustration:\n        When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly\n        content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the\n        bathroom.', 'A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by\nblowing first.', 'After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access\ncover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been\nremoved.', 'After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found\non the bench.', 'This universe never did make sense;  I suspect that it was built on\ngovernment contract.', 'In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)\nare to be treated as variables.', 'Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.', "First Law of Bicycling:\n        No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the\n        wind.", "Boob's Law:\n        You always find something in the last place you look.", "Osborn's Law:\n        Variables won't; constants aren't.", "Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):\n        That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,\n        or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you\n        should have gotten.", "Miksch's Law:\n        If a string has one end, then it has another end.", 'Law of Communications:\n        The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications\n        between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased\n        area of misunderstanding.', "Harris's Lament:\n        All the good ones are taken.", 'If you cannot convince them, confuse them.\n                -- Harry S Truman', "Putt's Law:\n        Technology is dominated by two types of people:\n            Those who understand what they do not manage.\n            Those who manage what they do not understand.", 'First Law of Procrastination:\n        Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility\n        for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who\n        imposed the deadline).', 'Fifth Law of Procrastination:\n        Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that\n        there is nothing important to do.', "Swipple's Rule of Order:\n        He who shouts the loudest has the floor.", "Wiker's Law:\n        Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.", "Gray's Law of Programming:\n        'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same\n        time as 'n' trivial tasks.\n\nLogg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:\n        'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.", 'Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:\n        The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of\n        the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety\n        percent.', "Weinberg's First Law:\n        Progress is made on alternate Fridays.", "Weinberg's Second Law:\n        If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,\n        then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy\n        civilization.", "Paul's Law:\n        In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you\n        save.", "Malek's Law:\n        Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.", "Weinberg's Principle:\n        An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while\n        sweeping on to the grand fallacy.", "Barth's Distinction:\n        There are two types of people:  those who divide people into\n        two types, and those who don't.", "Weiler's Law:\n        Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it\n        himself.", 'First Law of Socio-Genetics:\n        Celibacy is not hereditary.', "Beifeld's Principle:\n        The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and\n        receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when\n        he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3)\n        a better looking and richer male friend.", "Hartley's Second Law:\n        Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.", "Pardo's First Postulate:\n        Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.\n\nArnold's Addendum:\n        Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in\n        rats.", "Parker's Law:\n        Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.", "Captain Penny's Law:\n        You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of\n        the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.", "Katz' Law:\n        Man and nations will act rationally when all other\n        possibilities have been exhausted.", "Mr. Cole's Axiom:\n        The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the\n        population is growing.", "Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:\n        Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have\n        another drink.", "The Kennedy Constant:\n        Don't get mad -- get even.", "Canada Bill Jone's Motto:\n        It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.\n\nSupplement:\n        A .44 magnum beats four aces.", "Jone's Motto:\n        Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.", 'The Fifth Rule:\n        You have taken yourself too seriously.', "Cole's Law:\n        Thinly sliced cabbage.", "Hartley's First Law:\n        You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float\n        on his back, you've got something.", "Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:\n        No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the\n        legislature is in session.", "Churchill's Commentary on Man:\n        Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the\n        time he will pick himself up and continue on.", "Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:\n        A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.", "Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:\n        Don't worry if it doesn't work right.  If everything did, you'd\n        be out of a job.", "ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.\nMERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-\n        door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.", '"He is now rising from affluence to poverty."\n                -- Mark Twain', 'A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody\nwants to read.\n                -- Mark Twain', 'If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite\nyou.  This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.\n                -- Mark Twain', 'Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.\n                -- Mark Twain', 'But soft you, the fair Ophelia:\nOpe not thy ponderous and marble jaws,\nBut get thee to a nunnery -- go!\n                -- Mark "The Bard" Twain', '"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?  It is\nbecause we are not the person involved"\n                -- Mark Twain', '"...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often\npicturesque liar."\n                -- Mark Twain', "I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.  I said I\ndidn't know.\n                -- Mark Twain", '"...all the modern inconveniences..."\n                -- Mark Twain', 'We have met the enemy, and he is us.\n                -- Walt Kelly', '"Humor is a drug which it\'s the fashion to abuse."\n                -- William Gilbert', "Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:\n        All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.", "Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:\n        The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the\n        cork makes when it is popped.", "Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:\n        The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.", "Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:\n        Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that\n        is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city\n        can never hope to acquire it.", 'Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,\nAdvertising wondrous things.', 'Angels we have heard on High\nTell us to go out and Buy.', 'The Preacher, the Politicain, the Teacher,\n        Were each of them once a kiddie.\nA child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.\n        Do I want one?  God Forbiddie!\n\n                -- Ogden Nash', "Who made the world I cannot tell;\n'Tis made, and here am I in hell.\nMy hand, though now my knuckles bleed,\nI never soiled with such a deed.\n\n                -- A. E. Housman", "Families, when a child is born\nWant it to be intelligent.\nI, through intelligence,\nHaving wrecked my whole life,\nOnly hope the baby will prove\nIgnorant and stupid.\nThen he will crown a tranquil life\nBy becoming a Cabinet Minister\n\n                -- Su Tung-p'o", 'The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for\nlists of "Ten Best".\n                -- H. Allen Smith', 'Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the\nbeginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get\nout, and such as are out wish to get in?\n                -- Ralph Emerson', 'The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue,\na custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to\nthe contrary, nohow.', "Emersons' Law of Contrariness:\n        Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we\n        can.  Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.", 'Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.', 'There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of\npaying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.', 'The great masses of the people . . . will more easily fall victims to a\ngreat lie than to a small one.\n                                -Adolph Hitler', 'Pay no attention to what the critics say; there has never been set up a\nstatue in honor of a critic.\n                                -Jean Sibelius', 'Every crowd has a silver lining.\n                                -Phineas Taylor Barnum', "A cynic is just a man who found out when he was about ten that there wasn't\nany Santa Claus, and he's still upset.\n                                -James Gould Cozzens", 'The devil was the first democrat.\n                                -Lord Byron', "I don't call them Democrats and Republicans.  There are only Liberals\nand Americans.\n                                -James Watt", 'Vegetarianism is harmless enough, although it is apt to fill a man with\nwind and self-righteousness.\n                                -Sir Robert Hutchison', 'I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I speak the truth, and\nthey never believe me.\n                                -Conte Camillo Benso di Cavour', 'Modern diplomats approach every problem with an open mouth.\n                                -Arthur J. Goldberg', 'Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.\n                                -George Jean Nathan', 'It is inexcusable for scientists to torture animals; let them make their\nexperiments on journalists and politicians.\n                                -Henrik Ibsen', 'Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.', 'It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that\nyou would lie if you were in his place.\n                                -Henry Louis Mencken', 'It is twice as hard to crush a half-truth as a whole lie.', 'Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves\nup and hurry off as if nothing had happened.\n                                -Sir Winston Churchill', 'A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging\ntheir prejudices.\n                                -William James', "Nothing you can't spell will ever work.\n                                -Will Rogers", 'A fool must now and then be right by chance.', "Hi there!  This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person\nreading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,\nnor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.", "Arnold's Laws of Documentation:\n        1) If it should exist, it doesn't.\n        2) If it does exist, it's out of date.\n        3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the\n            first two laws.", "Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:\n        Experience is directly proportional to the amount of\n        equipment ruined.", "Boren's Laws:\n        1)  When in charge, ponder.\n        2)  When in trouble, delegate.\n        3)  When in doubt, mumble.", "Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:\n        When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.", "Rudin's Law:\n        If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will\n        do it every time.", "Bucy's Law:\n        Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.", "Hacker's Law:\n        The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir\n        a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.", "Probable-Possible, my black hen,\nShe lays eggs in the Relative When.\nShe doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now\nBecause she's unable to postulate how.\n                -- Frederick Winsor", "Vail's Second Axiom:\n        The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the\n        amount of work already completed.", 'Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off', '"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I\'m\nthe only ashtray."', "Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,\n        He must be a communist.\nAnd a beard and long hair,\n        Must be a pacifist.\n\n        What's in that pipe that he's smoking?\n\n                -- Arlo Guthrie", 'There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it\n                -- G. B. Shaw', 'Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.\n                -- Howard Kandel', "Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.", 'It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because\nif you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of\npeople.\n                -- Dolph Sharp', "Hand: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly\nthrust into somebody's pocket.", 'You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for\nfreedom and liberty.\n                -- Henrick Ibson', 'Wit: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...\nby leaving it out.', 'Yield to Temptation...it may not pass your way again.\n                -- Lazarus Long', 'I like work...\nI can sit and watch it for ours.', 'Know thyself.  If you need help, call the C.I.A.', '"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as\nwe could with both of them."\n                -- Major Major\'s father', 'Crime does not pay...as well as politics.\n                -- A. E. Newman', 'Keep you Eye on the Ball,\nYour Shoulder to the Wheel,\nYour Nose to the Grindstone,\nYour Feet on the Ground,\nYour Head on your Shoulders.\nNow...try to get something DONE!', 'Magpie: A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it\nmight be taught to talk.', 'Democracy is also a form of worship.  It is the worship of Jackals by\nJackasses.\n                -- H. L. Mencken', 'Peace: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two\nperiods of fighting.', 'NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe?  Everything he\n        says is wrong.\nGUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says\n        will be right.\n                -- G. B. Shaw', "People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who\nhaven't what they want that they don't want it.\n                -- Ogden Nash", 'Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.', 'A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.  I\nbelieve everything positively stinks.\n                -- Lew Col', 'Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely\nget your Feet wet.  Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your\nface.', 'Recieving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than\nbeing flat broke and having a stomach ache.\n                -- Dolph Sharp', 'The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100\nshowed that all had these things in common:\n        1)  They all had moderate appetites.\n        2)  They all came from middle class homes\n        3)  All but two of them were dead.', "Children aren't happy without something to ignore,\nAnd that's what parents were created for.\n                -- Ogden Nash", "Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny--\n        Did you ever try buying then without money?\n\n                -- Ogden Nash", 'Confucius say too much.\n                -- Recent Chinese Proverb', 'Reporter: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with\na tempest of words.\n                -- Ambrose Bierce', 'Fats Loves Madelyn', "Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.\n                -- W. C. Fields", '"Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!"\n                -- W. C. Fields', 'A dozen, a gross, and a score,\nPlus three times the square root of four,\n        Divided by seven,\n        Plus five time eleven,\nEquals nine squared plus zero, no more.', "Who's on first?", 'Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on\nsociety.\n                -- Mark Twain', "We really don't have any enemies.  It's just that some of our best\nfriends are trying to kill us.", 'If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?\n                -- Art Hoppe', 'The Killer Ducks are coming!!!', '"This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,\nregardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling\nkeys..."', 'COMMENT\nOh, life is a glorious cycle of song,\nA medley of extemporanea;\nAnd love is thing that can never go wrong;\nAnd I am Marie of Roumania.\n                -- Dorothy Parker', '"He\'s just a politician trying to save both his faces..."', '"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."', 'Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known\nas Wheels.', 'Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.', 'He who Laughs, Lasts.', 'Now and then, an innocent man is sent to the Legislature.', 'Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the\npens will multiply instead of disappear.', '"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,\nbut I couldn\'t give up because by that time I was too famous."', 'Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.', 'To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.', 'Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.\n                -- Mae West', 'Famous last words:', 'You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.', "Absurdity: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own\nopinion.", 'Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying\nhimself a pleasure.', 'A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,\nand especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.\n                -- Ambrose Bierce', 'Acquaintance: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not\nwell enough to lend to.\n                -- Ambrose Bierce', "Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to\nourselves.", 'Adore: To venerate expectantly.', "Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have\ntheir hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot\nseparately plunder a third.", 'Alone: In bad company.', 'Ambidextrous: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a\nleft.', 'God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.', 'Anoint: To grease a king or other great functionary already\nsufficiently slippery.', 'Bacchus: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for\ngetting drunk.', 'Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather\nwe are having.', 'Birth: The first and direst of all disasters.', 'Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.', 'Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.', 'In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,\nintelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption\n>from the cares of office.', "Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as\na man's head.", 'Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --\n"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."\n                -- Ambrose Bierce', 'Critic: A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries\nto please him.', 'Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed.', '"The first thing we do, let\'s kill all the lawyers"\n                            William Shakespeare', '"Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things\n   they make it easier to do don\'t need to be done."\n                            Andy Rooney', '"I\'d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."\n                            Scott Watson']