Warning: this content is distilled soley from personal experience and completely lacks any sort of expertise (that's never stopped me before, though).
I've been thinking about conversations.
I hate to start off by being presumptuous, but it's likely that you've been a part of a lot of conversations. You might even remember some.
They're tricky things that ebb, flow and meander (like, are you a river? Or are you an exchange of words backed by gestures and facial expressions between one or more people?!). They strike out at unruly tangets and then come full circle. They end abruptly, with a sorrowful amount of things left unsaid and they drag on into the infinite depths of boredom. Sometimes they're heated in an aggressive way, while sometimes they're heated in a ... hot way. Sometimes it's all light-heared, care-free laughs, while other times the tension is palpable and the pressure is suffocating.
People are good at them and people are bad at them. Even more people are terrible at them. A select few are great. They might be one of the most difficult things that humans do and we do them everyday, but I don't know that we ever properly practice, let alone understand, them despite this.
We instinctively respect people who do any type of conversation well. Clear, coherent conversation about complicated subjects is enlightening. A person smoothly navigating the dangerous waters of a casual social conversation is charming and likeable, easing any of 1000 different kinds of tension that could arise at the blink of an eye (or the vibration of a vocal chord).
To help us keep track of a conversation's proverbial North (in much the same way a piece of metal freely spinning on a horizontal plane might), here are a few basic phenomena, ideas and tips n' tricks related to different types of conversations.
A disclaimer: some of the below might seem so obvious as to not even be worth stating, but I think much of it is of the "simple, but hard" variety which requires a lot of practice, constant reminders, humility (blegh).
I think the most fundamental tip/life hack/Gladwell-tier-pop-psych-rule related to conversations is: shut the fuck up. Odd, I know, given that if everyone followed it to the extreme then no one would be talking at all, though it nicely opposes our natural tendency to not shut the fuck up. We talk too much. So, put in another way: listen more.
I heard the phrase "listening for enablement" and I think it's a good way to remember the purpose of listening. Listening to people is not just a way to prompt you to remember things about yourself, it helps you understand them. Here are some specific strategies:
- don't simply wait for your turn to speak
- if you think of something to say, it's really easy to stop listening except to find a gap where you can say your thing
- ask clarifying questions
- even (maybe especially) if you think you understand everything
- best case = you learn something; worst case = a more balanced and engaging conversation
- try to balance the words counts a little!
- not to say that you should force people to speak, but a few directed questions here and there can go a long way
- if someone speaks up in a group, pay attention, even if you think what they're saying is stupid or they're not hot
More related to conversations about specific subjects, these habits are really useful for extracting some signal from the noises you and your friends are making:
- establish bases & intent before starting
- identify tangents; where they started and why
- summarize & re-establish key points actively
- outline actionable items and take-aways
85%* of all words spoken by humanity are in the name of venting, so we should pay extra attention when we find ourselves being vented to (what are here? The vent itself? Some type of exhaust? A pristine river being slowly filled with toxic waste, such that the honest people of nearby towns don't notice until it's too late?).
- * this doesn't include business contexts, where the vast majority of words are purposefully confusing acronyms and jargon people use to justify their salary
Here are 3 ideas related to venting:
-
If someone is telling you about a problem, don't just start giving them advice. Unsolicited advice is the worst kind. Start by just commiserating and then ... wait!. Ask questions about their experience; understand them. If you really want to be explicit and can't read them very well, ask what they'd like from you.
-
Being a devil's advocate can be useful to give perspective, but it's also hecking annoying. Sometimes I want to have that "omg wow, I never thought of it like that! :$" moment, but I also sometimes don't really care that maybe that person has their own problems and I just met them at their worst and shouldn't judge them because fuck them.
-
Despite the mental novel you've been writing where the main character is tuned-up transplant of yourself, not everything is about you. Personal experience and anecdotes can add weight to an idea and that kind of sympathy can help someone process their own issues. However, don't just latch on to any selfish association your mind makes and use it as an excuse to talk about yourself. I love talking about myself and so should you, but just don't.
As a take-away, I think the above hint at 4 general things you can do while someone is venting, in order of increasing activity:
- just listening
- validating emotions
- offering perspective
- being solution oriented
The very FIRST thing you need to do, and then constantly keep track of, is whether you're having a simple discussion or have strayed into the ungodly realm of arguing. I don't necessarily mean yelling at eachother, though that is often the case. I mean talking "at" as opposed to "with" each other, which might be more quiet, but is certainly just as bad. Some sign posts to look for that let you know you're on the road to hellaving a bad time:
- fighting for a particular idea, but you're not sure why
- enjoying any kind of "gotcha" moment
- thinking about that time the other person did something that annoyed you and that this conversation is a reasonable outlet to vent your unspoken gripes
- playing "what about..." or anecdote ping-pong, smacking ridiculous/irrelevant hypotheticals back at each other until someone gets confused or enraged
You can get there without even realizing it. The conversation will turn on a dime and all of sudden you'll realize, "wait, you care about this? ...wait... I care about this?" when neither of you truly do. TBH it's rare that caring about something is ever a good sign anyways, so keep that in mind. Some people fall into this pattern more often than others, almost like they have an instinct to argue rather than discuss, so stay alert!
Arguing takes on such a different form than discussing and any number of rhetorical techniques or personality quirks really muddy the crystal clear waters of #knowledge. Sure, you could learn some of these techniques, but mastering them is a lifelong journey with little-to-no career options aside from (makes sure none are within earshot) political talking heads and content creators. I think a more general approach is less of a headache and will help keep things on the "discussion" side of the spectrum.
To start, try asking these at the outset of any conversation to help prime everyone to be less toxic:
- what's your experience with the subject?
- do you have any stake in this?
- are you okay with hypothetical questions or exploring potentially offensive ideas?
- what do you want to get out of this?
Similarly, state your own answers in some way, shape or form.
Related to listening*, if you find that you very quickly think of ways to tell someone they're wrong, that's probably a bad sign. If you get a rush of pure joy watching them struggle with some weird hypothetical curveball you've thrown at them, think of why you're doing this. Do you just want to be feel right or do you want to learn something? Listen and ask questions. Entertain their ideas. Help yourselves learn about each other's perspectives.
- * spoiler alert: it's a recurring theme and fundamental human skill
Declaring conflict of interest: my partner recently told me an uncomfortable truth, suggesting I change my behaviour. They are wrong and audacious for speaking to me that way and how dare they. No conflict.
People do things. This is true and happens often. People do things that are annoying to you or harmful to themselves and life would be better if they didn't do those things. This is also true and happens even more often.
Change is uncomfortable + people don't like to be confronted with their shortcomings + people don't like to be the center of attention in a negative way = confronting someone with something you think they should change is hard
There's no simple resolution to this equation, but try to keep these things in mind:
- we need some lies, especially related to our internal narrative and world views. "Pull the rug" moments are jarring. Someone starts replaying memories, questioning everything and thinking that their life is a lie. Prescription:
- give feedback as close to an event as possible
- at first, ask questions about a behaviour instead of giving criticism
- state feedback in terms of your own preferences rather than their transgressions
- change takes time, more so for very "low level" habits and instincts. Prescription: - try smaller adjustments and prodding over cataclysmic interventions - if possible, try to take part in some small way to add a social element and comradary
- relationship dynamics of the people involved can be more important than any sort of truth. Pride is easy to prick and indignance easy to ignite. Prescription:
- make sure the time, place and people present build comfort
- admit your own failings and how you try to deal with them
In general, listen more. Frame thoughts in terms of other people, step into their shoes. Try to learn rather than teach.
When hearing someone's problems: find out what they're looking for or what they need. It's not about you.
When discussing a specific subject: be wary of arguments. Ask questions rather than state opinions. Talk with instead of at.
When trying to address someone's behavior: it's really hard. They spent a lifetime learning to be the way they are, so if it's tolerable, then join them on the journey to change. Be understanding.
~Tyty