[Deliver all instructions in a calm, meditative voice, as if teaching a wellness class]
OPTIMAL BRAIN ROT: A GUIDED PRACTICE
Duration: 20 minutes
Delivery: Over FaceTime
Required: Phone, laptop, tablet (if available)
[Begin with deep breath]
Welcome to Optimal Brain Rot Strategy Guide. I'll be your guide through this transformative practice. Please ensure you're in a comfortable position with at least two screens visible.
First Phase: Preparation
- Open Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter simultaneously
- Position them so you can see all feeds at once
- Turn on all notifications
- Remove any blue light filters
- Disable time limits and screen time warnings
[Pause for setup]
Second Phase: The Practice
[Speak softly, as if guiding meditation]
Now, begin scrolling. Don't stop to read anything fully. That would be inefficient. Feel your thumb moving automatically. Up... and down... and up... and down... Like a mechanical metronome of meaninglessness.
[More hypnotic now]
When you see something interesting, immediately:
- Open it in a new tab
- Don't read it
- Open three related links
- Don't read those either
- Keep them all open
- Let them multiply like digital rabbits
[Gentle encouragement]
You're doing great. Now switch apps every 15 seconds. Don't worry about finishing any videos. The algorithm knows what's best. Trust the algorithm. Become one with the algorithm.
Third Phase: Advanced Techniques [Speak with increasing enthusiasm]
Now we'll layer in some optimization techniques:
- Start typing a reply to something
- Delete it halfway
- Start another reply
- Delete that too
- Feel the dopamine drain
- Perfect
[More intense]
Let's amplify the practice:
- Watch a YouTube video at 2x speed
- While scrolling Twitter
- While half-listening to a podcast
- While texting someone
- Don't complete any of these tasks
- This is optimal
Fourth Phase: Peak Performance [Speak with reverence]
You're approaching peak brain rot when:
- You can't remember what you saw 5 seconds ago
- Your thoughts come in meme format
- You have 47 unfinished tasks
- Everything feels boring and overwhelming at the same time.
- Perfect. You're almost there.
Final Phase: The Release [Soft, calming tone]
Now, try to read a full paragraph of text. Notice how your brain resists. This is success. You've done it. You've achieved optimal brain rot.
[Closing]
Remember: If at any point you feel the urge to focus deeply on one thing, fight it. That's just your brain trying to maintain its outdated neural pathways.
End each session by immediately checking your screen time and feeling simultaneously proud and horrified.
[End with a notification sound]
This has been Optimal Brain Rot Stategy Guide. Remember to like, subscribe, share, retweet, and forget everything you just learned.